Dan Savage

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NoCD offers virtual therapy that can help you reclaim your life from OCD. Their therapists are all OCD specialists, so they understand intrusive thoughts, even the ones that feel too shameful to share. To learn more about therapy with NoCD, go to NoCD.com to schedule a free 15-minute call. That's NoCD.com.

She doesn't like to be kissed on the mouth. She doesn't like those wet faces coming together. How does she feel about, I don't know, the other end of her gastrointestinal tract? How does she feel about having her ass eaten? Does that do anything for you, making out with the other end of the GI tract? I don't know. It seems to me that you two have a fundamental disconnect here.

She doesn't like to be kissed on the mouth. She doesn't like those wet faces coming together. How does she feel about, I don't know, the other end of her gastrointestinal tract? How does she feel about having her ass eaten? Does that do anything for you, making out with the other end of the GI tract? I don't know. It seems to me that you two have a fundamental disconnect here.

If kissing is something that you require... to get going, to feel engaged erotically, to become aroused. And kissing is something, for neurodivergent reasons, that she absolutely positively cannot do.

If kissing is something that you require... to get going, to feel engaged erotically, to become aroused. And kissing is something, for neurodivergent reasons, that she absolutely positively cannot do.

If this thing that gives you not just tremendous pleasure, but this thing you kind of need to experience all the other pleasures that come bundled with sex, that thing triggers her fight or flight response, probably you're not going to be able to do that thing. You may be, or you may not be, you guys have made this work up to now, sexually incompatible.

If this thing that gives you not just tremendous pleasure, but this thing you kind of need to experience all the other pleasures that come bundled with sex, that thing triggers her fight or flight response, probably you're not going to be able to do that thing. You may be, or you may not be, you guys have made this work up to now, sexually incompatible.

You know, if you need X and somebody absolutely positively cannot do X, and X isn't just something that you enjoy, one of the many things that you enjoy, but it's crucial. It's the gateway enjoyment thing that takes you to all the other things that you enjoy and that hopefully your partner also enjoys, but they can't do X. Well, maybe you shouldn't be together. You are together.

You know, if you need X and somebody absolutely positively cannot do X, and X isn't just something that you enjoy, one of the many things that you enjoy, but it's crucial. It's the gateway enjoyment thing that takes you to all the other things that you enjoy and that hopefully your partner also enjoys, but they can't do X. Well, maybe you shouldn't be together. You are together.

So far, you have figured out how to make this work. You bring up neuroplasticity and not to change her and her feelings, but to change you and your feelings. And what I think you're trying to get at there is, is there a way to decenter kissing from your erotic script, erotic imagination, the thing that gets you going, the key that you slip in to start the engine? Is there something else?

So far, you have figured out how to make this work. You bring up neuroplasticity and not to change her and her feelings, but to change you and your feelings. And what I think you're trying to get at there is, is there a way to decenter kissing from your erotic script, erotic imagination, the thing that gets you going, the key that you slip in to start the engine? Is there something else?

maybe eating her ass, maybe making out with her armpits. Maybe there's some place you can go with your mouth that engages with an erogenous zone of hers where she enjoys that kind of tonguing, open mouth kissing, that sort of allowing you to be the sucker fish or whatever it is that you need to be to click in. When it comes to people adopting different like

maybe eating her ass, maybe making out with her armpits. Maybe there's some place you can go with your mouth that engages with an erogenous zone of hers where she enjoys that kind of tonguing, open mouth kissing, that sort of allowing you to be the sucker fish or whatever it is that you need to be to click in. When it comes to people adopting different like

sex acts, whether we're talking, you know, just from the vanilla play box or the kink play box, people will grow and change and will wind up one day doing, enjoying things that when they first began their sexual journey, they didn't anticipate that they would enjoy or ever really want to do.

sex acts, whether we're talking, you know, just from the vanilla play box or the kink play box, people will grow and change and will wind up one day doing, enjoying things that when they first began their sexual journey, they didn't anticipate that they would enjoy or ever really want to do.

And when you sit down with somebody and really talk about it, you can usually trace the thread back that there was a thread that ran through from, you know, being held down for a kinkster, like, They really were aroused by being held down.

And when you sit down with somebody and really talk about it, you can usually trace the thread back that there was a thread that ran through from, you know, being held down for a kinkster, like, They really were aroused by being held down.

They liked to be held down, all the way up to the insane bondage they do now, which if you'd suggested to them they might be interested in that, when all they really wanted to do was be held down, they would have been like, ooh, no, gross. But they grew in that direction, but there is this thread. I don't know what that thread would be for you, for kissing.