Eddie Lursa

I've been clean for two months now.

Thanks.

By clean, I mean I'm not using fluoride toothpaste.

Yeah, I used to be a real degenerate.

This one time, I was driving drunk across a bridge, and I thought it'd be funny to hit every single construction zone cone with my car.

The next day, I woke up in a panic.

I was like, fuck.

Then I thought, it wasn't the booze that caused this reckless behavior.

It's because I brushed my teeth with cress this morning.

Another time, I was in Colombia on a three-day coke bender, and these ladies wanted more money.

I refused, so they beat the shit out of me.

The cops got involved.

It wasn't very good.

And it wasn't because I had grippling addiction problems, it's because I brushed my teeth with cress that morning.

That's why every time I'm having sex with a girl and she looks up at me and stops and says, did you just cum inside me?

I'm like, oh, shit, babe, sorry.

I brushed my teeth with fluoride this morning.

Thanks, that's my time.

Somewhat accurate.

I've been on a year-long motorcycle trip through South America, so I just got back here.