Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything golden pony including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the sunset strip or get some death squad merch go to death squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hetchcliffe!
Who's ready for the best fucking evening of their lives, huh? You made it, indeed, to the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Hi! Brought to you by Game Time, Liquid Death, Connect Mobile Health, a bunch of great sponsors, amazing stuff. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? My goodness gracious.
Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, The great and powerful mutilator Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Carter Arrington joining on a very special electric guitar. And of course, the great and powerful Dee Madness here on the bass. A lot of fun stuff coming right up.
Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show? How many of you watch every episode every fucking week? Well... You're in Bird Street.
This is a very, very, very special episode. We've done this before, but not with exactly these three human beings, because everything has changed. Everything has evolved. I present to you a bucket bizarre episode where we will get many bucket pools out more than normal because your three guests tonight are the three regulars of Kill Tony.
Here the entire episode, I present William Montgomery, Cam Patterson, and Casey Rockett. Oh, shit. Our sweet, sweet boys. William Montgomery. Cam Patterson. And the one and only Casey motherfucking Rocket.
Yippee!
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Chapter 2: How does the show format work for the comedians?
Cam Patterson. Who is that? Yeah, it's... Exactly. He literally hasn't done anything since you've been out of the womb. But he used to do diabetes commercials and what was he, like the Quaker oatmeal guy or something, right? Yeah, it was all about oatmeal. Matt Muehling, our senior oatmeal correspondent, knows... All about oatmeal. I am interested in you. What else?
What are we missing here other than fast cars, Remy? What else? What's something that's kind of like maybe it's like a guilty pleasure?
I'll leave that to your imagination.
No. No, you won't. You're on this show. You signed up.
No, I like to stay busy. I like to make people laugh. I like to drive a bunch. I like to travel. I mean, learn languages. How about that?
What kind of languages do you know?
Well, I speak English, Arabic, and Spanish, and I know how to say thank you in like 12 other languages.
Wow.
Yeah, hello, this and that.
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Chapter 3: What unique experiences do the guests share?
For those of you that haven't noticed yet, A literally has an A tattooed on his face. Do you want to turn towards the audience, show them that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the side that it's on. I'm a branding genius. Brand yourself. I love it. Yes, indeed. Casey Rocket. What does that shirt mean? Oh, it's a local band in Austin. It's called Rickshaw Billy's Burger Patrol.
But people got sick of saying it, so they made a shirt like this. Casey is immediately becoming one of my favorite panelists ever, by the way. Casey's awesome. What the fuck? There's so much we have to get to, A. Armstrong. Let's get through it. One of the parts of your set, you said that the guy only says four words. You proceeded to say six words after that. I'm high as shit.
Oh, that's everybody's excuse tonight. Except for Remy Swice was completely sober, everybody. Yeah, right. I love it. What are you high on today? Face tattoos? Just weed. Just weed. I don't smoke weed. What made you get A tattooed on your face?
I really had just gone through a divorce, and I was a big little peep fan, and he said something.
You were? Yeah. Well, I am.
I am.
He died, so he... How are you a big Lil Peep fan? You're a white guy. Am I correct? I know. I love Lil Peep. You're a straight white male. Am I correct? Yes. You're not Latino. No, I'm half Mexican. Half Mexican. Okay, that makes sense. That's why only half your face is tattooed. Yes. I love it. You got your white side and your left side. I love that. Oh my goodness.
What in the world do you do for a living?
I work at the Goodwill as an intern for the corporate office.
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Chapter 4: How does the episode conclude?
I'm a sperm donor. What? Oh, God. Our future is fucked. Cam Patterson. That should be illegal. Yeah. A lot of surprise little ginger chatterbox is going to be popping up around the world. You're not a ginger, dude. Holy shit.
What the fuck?
What do you call a white guy that tries to be a ginger? A piece of shit. Fucking idiot.
You're not a ginger. You have like blonde hair or something. It's fine, but just so you know.
It's just everyone calls me a ginger because of the beard. But a ginger... I know. Like a white guy that tries to be black is a... I don't know that one, brother. Yes, you do.
A ninja?
No. I think the term is neighbor.
Oh, nah, I don't want to call you a wigger.
Right, yes, but is there a word for, I'm asking you, William, is there a word for a white guy with light brown hair that tries to be a ginger? Is it a whinger? Uh, yes. Okay, all right. A whinger. Welcome to my improv course, ladies and gentlemen. Casey Rockett. Cam, did you say a ninja?
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Chapter 5: What humorous situation does the comedian share about having kids?
Oh my God. It might be the only way I can have kids. Shut the fuck up. Do they pay extra for that? Or you just did that for free? No, I volunteered. You're talking about checking the box? Yeah, yeah.
Chapter 6: What is the process of donating sperm like?
Why would you ever do that unless they paid extra? I mean, you got nothing to lose, right? They can't come after you for money or anything like that or whatever. Yeah. I kind of like myself. I think I'm a likable person. And if they did, I mean, can you imagine 18 years from now, some person coming up to you being like, hey, you're my dad. Can I have some money?
And you're like, did your mom tell you how I was making money? Like, I jizzed in a cup for a living. Just do what I did, son. Wow. Unbelievable. He's like, I'm a substitute teacher. I'm also a substitute husband. I guess so. I guess so. What do you do for fun, Derek, when you're not doing stand-up? Well, lately, I've been really enjoying some pitch and putt golf. Yeah. Down at Butler?
It really is unbelievable. Another one of the fucking gems of this city. It is a super-duper fucking putt-putt on steroids here in Austin, Texas. Butler Pitch and Putt, another fun thing to do during the day. How often do you do that? About once a week, maybe once every two weeks. I shot a 30 the other day. Par is 27 on that course. Wow, you shot a 30 into one of the semen cups? Yes.
No, I shoot more than 30 into the semen cups. Wow.
Chapter 7: How does the comedian describe his experience with stand-up comedy?
Now, when you do that, is there something that you look at? Do they let you watch porn? How does that go down? They just put you in a room? Take us through the process here. Well, you walk through... You sit in a cooler on mushrooms? Yeah, right.
Keep your balls...
Keep your balls on ice first.
But yeah, you go back into like a little medical examining room, and there's like some cabinets, and they have wipes for cleanup, and they have lube for doing the thing, and they have a drawer full of Hustler magazines.
But I just watch porn on my phone. Right. That seems like that would be the move. Do they have good Wi-Fi at this place? Yeah, but when I'm ambitious, I just use my imagination. Okay. What do you think of when you use your imagination? Big tits. That's what you're into? I love big tits. You do? You love big tits?
Yeah.
Old city boy LaCroix is over here.
He has six nipples.
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Chapter 8: What unique background does the guest share about his family?
Don't stare at me, you bastard. What the hell? None of that. None of that. Did you just say Casey has six nipples? Like a Rottweiler. What the hell? Is this true, Casey?
Look, man, this isn't about me. How big are your loads, man? This isn't about me.
That's a great question. Let's go back. How big are you? We're bragging about how big your loads are. Do you have exceptionally large loads? Big enough to cover six nipples. Okay, making callbacks to that. I imagine they're average sized. Okay. I don't have hyperspermia or anything like that. Whoa.
That's when you have a really huge load, but it's actually not good for getting people pregnant because there's a little bit of semen and a bunch of cum stuff, and so it doesn't swim too well.
I read a lot online.
Wow.
How much do you get paid for that? 110 per pop. Are you serious? How many times can you do it a week? Oh, every two days you can. So you go back every two days and shoot a load in a cup. It's how I make a living. Well, yeah, no, every two days. Do the other open micers know about this? These guys are sweating bullets, postmating for eight hours a day to make $110.
They're going to all be like, wait, what? Do a jizz in a cup. Holy shit. I mean, if you're like driving by one, why not just go?
A hundred and ten bucks.
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