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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Brad Pitt coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, and the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike on the drums. This is Sean Greenberg joining us again here tonight. Matt Muehling's away. The great John Dees on the keys.
And this is, believe it or not, the one and only, the great and powerful, the force of nature, D Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. Oh my God, what a special, there's a special vibe in the room tonight.
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible, other than Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify, who are exclusively the sponsors of this episode. Here's the others.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's show? You know, every single week, I book two of the best comedians in the world. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. And this week is no different. It's not St. Paddy's Day, but they are both extremely Irish. One is one of the greatest MCs in Comedy Store history, the first man to ever bring me on stage, May 7, 2007.
And the other one is truly one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite drinking buddies. They're both two of my favorite comedians. Make some noise for tonight's guests. It's Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neal, everybody. Monsters. Two of the funniest people I know, Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor. It's the O episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to the show, guys. Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor.
What an exciting start to the episode. Guns a-blazin'. Everything is happening. Ryan O'Neill has the Slop Quest podcast, and he's at Ryan O'Neill Comedy on everything with two L's. Chris O'Connor is one of the stars of the show Tires. I don't know if you guys know the number one comedy series in the world. He's in Cleveland on August 15th and 16th. ACrisOConnor.com.
Literally the world's worst website for tickets. ACrisOConnor. Is there an apostrophe in that website?
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Chapter 2: Who are the guests featured in this episode?
It's pretty, yeah, we're close. It's pretty chill. You know, I have a garage apartment, so, you know, some degree of space. Yeah, just make sure your dad doesn't warm up the car in the morning. You'll fucking die, dude. So how long have you lived in the garage? I guess when I moved back from college. They might have built it so I would be further away from them.
But yeah, it was around that time. College? College. Did I say it weird? Yeah. I'm sorry. So it's separate from the house. There's not a direct doorway. Yeah. Okay. That's exciting. But when you say garage, does it mean there's a garage door on the front?
Well, there's a garage door and then there's a regular style door next to it.
Uh-huh. But that's just all you in there. There's no cars in the garage. Well, there's one car in the garage you can pull in the garage. So you sleep next to a car? No, there's an apartment above the garage. Oh, it's above. Yeah, it's a garage apartment. Okay. Yeah, I don't sleep next to the car. I mean, you're so close. You're saying it like I'm the asshole.
You sleep directly above a fucking car. So whether it's your next door neighbor or it's just below you, you're next to a fucking car. Up or down, side to side, vroom vroom. That's fair. You're next to a car, buddy. Basically, the car is on the bottom bunk. You're in bunk beds with a car as far as I'm concerned. What kind of car is it? It's my stepmom's BMW, Suzanne. Wow. Wow.
Seems like there's one thing in that garage that your parents don't want to live without. That's good. It's the BMW. Do they ever hint to you that it's maybe time to get away from them? Not really, but I sort of feel like it is time anyway. Do you have siblings? I do have a brother. He lives in Honduras. See, your brother is in the opposite of your parents' garage. It's incredible.
In fact, in Honduras, there's a chance of hitting an actual jungle bird. There it is, the sound of a jungle bird, everybody. Colin, you got it started with a new minute. Congratulations, fun times. Thank you. That's the way that it works. Golden Ticket winner with a strong minute to show you how it's done, Colin Sledge.
Now this is where things get interesting because we go to the sweet, sweet bucket of destiny, which means we're about to either meet somebody or see somebody again. that most likely meet somebody, that this could be crazy people. It could be the next fucking great talent of the show, or it could be pure insanity. They could be a 15, 20-year veteran of comedy. They could be a couple months in.
It could be their first time. It could be whatever. You get it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Surge A.M. Surge A.M. Here we go.
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Chapter 3: What is the format of the show?
Yes.
Okay. And people are laughing in the room at these open mics? Yes. They are? Yeah. Is it mostly comedians? Sometimes they're comedians. Sometimes there's actual audience members and stuff like that. Okay. Here's the catch, Serge. Is it almost nothing you said made any sense whatsoever? So if there are people laughing, you're performing in front of insane people.
Yeah.
That's the good news and the bad news. Yeah, I got you, yeah. Ryan O'Neal.
Chapter 4: How does the audience participate in the show?
This is why we can't have Latinos anymore, sir. You're fucking it up. Yeah. Yeah, you're ruining it for everybody. Your first joke, that guy sleeps in my garage, but we just talked to him about how he slept in his parents' garage for 29, 30 years. The other year is Mississippi State, so that didn't make sense. Human trafficking, people complain, but that's how I got here. Not really a joke.
Sister's gay, but she's LGBTQ. Let's get another bottle of tequila. Not a joke. You're calling, well, my sister's a drunk. That's a setup. Yeah, yeah. She works at Chick-fil-A, which makes her LGBTQ CIA. Why? Why does that make her CIA? Working at Chick-fil-A. Explain that one. Let's just go with that one. I have questions.
I have more questions than a 60-second set should ever have about specifically your 60... I don't even care about your life. I'm obsessed with how weird that set was. So explain the CIA Chick-fil-A. Fuck, I don't know. I just, you know... You don't know? No, I do, I do. You wrote it. You should at least have some fucking weird theory. I thought about the letters. I just added the CIA at the end.
But if it was Chick-fil-A, why would it be CIA? No, no, I... Huh? Don't look at the audience for help.
His sweaty armpits, I was just like, oh, shit, my bad.
No, no, no. Stick with me out here, buddy. I'm getting easily distracted.
Yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. I fucking came up with it. I was drunk one night and just thought about it. I thought it was personally, I thought it was funny. I don't know. Jesus Christ.
I think it's a good joke.
It's funny.
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Chapter 5: What does Chris O'Connor miss about New Jersey?
And is there anything that you miss about New Jersey?
You know, I miss the mornings.
Spotlight? Spotlight for Timmy No Breaks.
Chapter 6: How does Timmy No Breaks make money?
No doubt about it. Whatever Timmy wants. Every member of the Kill Tony crew should know. Whatever Timmy asks for, Timmy gets from this point forward. There's a thumbs up from the great Yoni. Timmy, go ahead. What do you miss about Jersey?
Yeah, I miss the mornings, you know? Walking out, fucking walking up to bitches saying, Hey! Bitch. That's what I'm talking about.
Chapter 7: What was the craziest thing that happened to Timmy No Breaks?
That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's what I miss most, you know? We're good on the spotlight, thank you. We're good. We got out of that. Wow. That's my story. I'm sticking to it, Tone.
I don't want to keep you up here all night. I don't want to be a bother to you. You let me know when you want to go.
Chapter 8: How does the show wrap up with final thoughts?
You're the first person ever that I'm giving full creative control over here. Yeah, I'm good. Okay, hold on. You're good now? You want to go or you're good to stay?
Fuck, Tony, it's your show.
No, no, no. I'm literally, again, I've never told the crew you get whatever you want. I've never given creative control to anybody. All right, Timmy, let's do this. Here's something I really want to know, and I don't know if I asked you this last time, but if I did, I'd like to apologize in advance.
Tony, it's okay.
Thank you.
How do you make money, Timmy No Breaks? Yeah, yeah, it's me, that Ray Tone. You know, I used to sell weed. Before that, I was selling coke. Now I'm just coasting on comedy, Tone. Okay.
Hold the horns on that one. Hold the horns.
Yeah, it wasn't a punchline. That's for real. I'm doing big shows. I'm doing H-E-B, I think.
Timmy No Breaks is doing H-E-B? The grocery store or the arena? Tony, you watch your fucking mouth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Timmy. Sometimes I fall back on my habits here. It's okay, Tony. For making fun of people on the stage sometimes. I mean, no disrespect, Timmy.
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