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Chapter 1: What hotel experience did Josh have that was particularly bleak?
Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with... Can you say... Can you say Rob Beckett? Go on then. Beckett. And can you say George Widdicombe? Yeah. Widdicombe. Very good. Wow!
It's a lot more joyous listening to that than a hairy, pitted 16-year-old going... That is Ozzy, real name Oswin, or Oswin, in case he wants to be a doctor or something proper. Having a go at your names from the bath. Oswin. O-S-W-I-N. Never heard of that name in my life. No. What was Ozzy Osbourne called? Obviously, Ozzy comes from the surname, so I don't know what his first name was.
Hole Caller. What's that from? My mum always used to say that. Oh yeah, you've been on Gemini. Is that from a sitcom? What's that? Quite the arse Gemini. Oi, Jim! Shall I quite the arse Gemini? Yeah. Gemini, what's Ozzy Osbourne's first name and where is the phrase holdcaller from?
Ozzy Osbourne's first name is John. The phrase holdcaller isn't a common one, so I'm not sure where it's from. Could you provide more context?
My mum used to say that. She also says, better than Shanks' pony. What's that mean? The phrase, better than Shanks' pony, is a humorous way to say walking. Shanks' pony refers to your own legs, so it's basically implying walking is the best way to travel, often in a playful way.
Just to be clear to the listeners, We weren't even paid for that. That's how we live our lives. So, we've been listening since the beginning and you've definitely demystified the terrifying prospect of parenthood for us, provided much entertainment on many long car journeys to visit our families who all live several hours away. Thanks for your honesty, humour and occasional wisdom.
Keep it sexy and relatable. Lots of love. Adam, Vinnie and Ozzy.
Yeah, that is a thing. Your family will disown you and move away if you call your child Oswin. Do you know what, Rob? I just moved the mic then, yeah?
Does that take much? I don't mean that. It's a bit of fun. You haven't done one of Richard's podcasts, have you?
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Chapter 2: How do Rob and Josh handle the challenges of parenting?
We live in Exeter. No, every Thursday she travels up from Exeter because she likes the way they do it. No, that's a nice thing to do.
Good for Rose, good on her. It's near the birthday. It's near the birthday. Yeah. Where's the birthday? The perfume counter? It was a place where I'd never heard of it, so I thought that must be exclusive. It's swanky. Yeah.
What's been happening though, Josh?
You're a dad. I'm so tired.
You're working. I'm so tired. Have we done this episode before? Last night I was in Leeds. You do look tired. I'm fucked. I feel like I'm visiting a granddad in an old people's home. I'm fucked. The way you're sat in that chair clinging on to it.
Do you know what? If I was doing something where I had to pretend to have energy, this would be a killer. Do you pretend to have energy sometimes on this show? Not on this show, no.
Yeah, I know.
No.
But like if I was doing TV. My mate texted me the other day and went, I can't believe sometimes Josh yawns through emails that he's reading out.
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Chapter 3: What funny stories do they share about their kids?
Oh. When we got there, he found out. Oh, so that hit morale because he's leaving half an hour later. That hit morale. And then he had to pump up my lilo so that I could have a little sleep. Yeah.
Sometimes, when we have to think of your schedule, no one thinks of Ali's.
Yeah, Ali's is worse.
Because his is the same, but worse.
Because he had an hour-long drive after dropping me at the hotel because he didn't want to stay in London. So he drove back home? No, he drove to the outskirts, so then he could just drive home easily tomorrow. Right, OK. So then I do the gig, get in the car by 10.03. Absolutely buzzing about that. Yeah, OK. Can't sleep in the car, I've got restless legs.
Luckily, Ali had to stop to get coffee, so I tried to walk off my restless legs so I could have half an hour's sleep in the car. Wake up, I don't know where this hotel I've booked is. I've just asked for a cheap hotel near Spotify with a gym, as if I'm ever going to use that.
We met at 9.30 this morning.
I know, what was I thinking? It's one of those hotels. I've never seen this hotel before. It doesn't feel like a hotel. What's the name of it? I don't want it because I'm going to slag it off. So I get there. They give me the key to my room. It's half two by this point. I go up to my room. Dump your bag, get on the treadmill. Get those restless legs working.
Didn't even need to turn on the treadmill. The legs were just working themselves. Go in. I wish I'd taken a photo. I thought I'd take a photo of that in the morning because it's so bad. Yeah. It's a mattress on the floor. No. There's a raised wooden bit, like a futon, basically, that takes up the whole wall, right? So it's raised up. So the mattress is the whole wall.
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Chapter 4: How do they cope with exhaustion while podcasting?
Yeah. Okay. So then I'm going to have to go to the Apple shop. I Google it. It opens at 10, so I'll have to go after this. Yeah. Right. I know I'm meeting Rob and Michael in Lyon at 9.30, so I just walk to Lyon. I know I can't buy anything there. You don't take your wallet out, do you, anymore? No.
So then I was like, if my phone is working, theoretically I could use Apple Pay just through memory of what it would look like, just by pressing the button, doing this face, and scanning it down. Yes. So I get to Leon before you. Oh, was you there before me? Yeah. And I put my order in. I think, let's see whether this works. Get my phone out. Suddenly the screen's working again. Oh.
So I'm like, well, I've got some time to kill. I need shaving stuff. So then I went to Superdrug, bought the shaving stuff, came back to Leon. There you were. And my phone's now working, but I know it's on borrowed time because why did it stop working for three hours?
You said something to me that was wild where you said you've never had a phone and then bought a new phone and transferred everything over. You've always broken or lost it.
Yeah, so I've never done the thing where it says put your phone next to it because I've never got to the point where I haven't fucked my own phone. Not that. Little USB-C dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm annoyed they've changed the port, actually. Thunderbolt. Thunderbolt charging system. I've only got my penis adapted for the new port.
You can also use your penis to get the old SIM card out as well, can't you? Stick the little nozzle in there. Oh, Josh.
So then I've done this.
I'm fucked. Can I tell you something that might make you feel better? Yeah. I went and got my hair cut yesterday. Oh, yeah? Got my beard done, got my hair cut. I came out and I was in Iceland buying some protein yogurts because if you spend over five, you get free parking. Right, okay. Lady sees me.
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What insights do they offer about traveling with children?
Oh my word. It's a football shirt. It's a football shirt. Columbia? Club America. Club America. Look at that. Can you see it on the camera, Michael? Yeah, that's yours. Look at his little face. Toby B. Chatting that. Now this, I'm very, very frustrated. I bought this in Hong Kong. Yeah. And it's an XL. Why is that all Hong Kong sizes?
asian size right here we go um and it doesn't fit me you go fully it's a japan football association adidas would this put you off if i podcasted like this either it's i've never honestly whenever i've done a thing where someone might maybe like takes a top off a comic effect I've never seen anyone get undressed for no reason without anyone noticing. Normally you get egged on on a show.
Great catch. Hopefully it fits. It should fit you. Oh, it's a beautiful material.
It's lovely, isn't it? It's so nice.
It's going to a good home. Oh, it is. It is. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Do you like yours, Michael? Love it. Yeah, it's a cool... Got it in America. Do you know what? Oh, it fits nice. Beautiful. You wouldn't want it any smaller, would you? No, that is great.
You've got the ticket sticking out the back. XL, yeah, but I'm not going to take that off yet.
You've got to put it on the vintage. I'm not going to. Yeah, XL, Asian size. Lovely top, though, isn't it? Oh, that is beautiful. I love that. I'm delighted with that.
There we go. Mood up. Oh, mood up. So, big times. Yeah. On the podcast. Go on. So, big news. What? No, I'm just trying to get the mood up. Oh, right, so it was you doing Toby B? No, I was just trying to move on to the next thing, but I realised I haven't got anything to say. Oh, my son. Yes, I have. So, obviously, I can't put this picture on, Rob. My son went over at school. This is brutal.
Went over? Like, hurt himself?
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Chapter 6: What are the challenges of being a parent in the public eye?
I'm going to put that in the podcast app. I'll put it in Spotify because it's a better app. Is it chat and that?
Chat and that.
and that could be like a chat and that it could be northern it could be like the closest thing that comes up with is chatterbox hey up welcome to chat and that with me it'll be me yeah no no it's not there sorry what did you say no i was saying that as a compliment by the way you're very funny even when you're oh no i was just gonna repeat something from the simpsons that's one of my favorite lines ever
Go on. It's a man without a face. Do you remember it? Mel Gibson, he's got burns on one side of his face or whatever. Seymour Skinner falls out with his mum and he says, she's put cardboard over her half of the TV. Yeah. And he says, I watched Man Without a Face, I didn't even know he had a problem. That's so funny. So good. Isn't it? Such a good joke. So quick and throwaway as well.
Oh, so good. Oh, I love The Simpsons. Anyway. You said you wanted to talk to me about Rory Stewart. Oh, yeah. Rory Stewart officially doesn't know who I am. Really? So, you know, we've seen him here. Yes. And I've always thought he doesn't seem to acknowledge us.
No, no, I'd say no. I'd say he's quite a eyes forward focus guy. Yeah. So you have to be when you used to be a spy. I'd say Stuart and Campbell pride themselves on being like one of the biggest podcasts in the country. And they are talking about really serious things. Yeah. Talking about potential like political, social change. Yeah. And they will be pushing certain things.
And their opinions matter and their opinions can sway lots of people.
I'd stop you there. Yeah. I don't think their opinions matter.
Well, no, but I think they may think they do. They do, yes. And they're very proud of how popular it is. Yeah. And how important what they do is. And then we're knocking around like a bad smell. Yeah. Getting similar numbers. Pulling them out of our fucking arseholes. Yeah, we don't have to wait for Trump and the king to go on a tour.
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Chapter 7: How do they navigate social situations as parents?
And so it's quite heartbreaking. I quite like Roy Stewart. Also, I do like him. He's been on The Last Leg as well. Oh, my God. He must know who you are. It was years ago. It was before he was part of royalty.
Your face hasn't changed in 15 years. But your soul has. My soul has. Your eyes have. The rest of you hasn't. Other news. Go on. Have you done that thing again where you started without anything to say?
Yep. So, I'm going to this birthday party tonight. Yep. I'm going to get a present on the way.
What are you going to get? Hard to get a 50-year-old man a present. Get him a football thing? Yeah, I think I might get him a Japan shirt.
is he an asian xl why don't you go past them classic football shirts and buy him a old tottenham shirt where is the classic football shirts you still have one in town but i think it's over in east london now yeah that's why i won't be going past it okay sorry yeah if only you live there if only i live there you've got your way in exactly when i went to anton deck's birthday party this is the stress isn't it when i went to anton deck's birthday party i got him sunderland shirts did you that's good
I bought one each, one with Ant on it, one with Dick. But when you bought the shirts, you got two tickets to the game. You got a free ticket to the game. I felt a bit of a waste because I was like, it's a banter prison.
That's a shame. It is a shame. I don't really know what else to do, but I'll get something. I don't like those situations where I don't know who's going to be in the room. Yeah. Do you have that? Did you have that Ant and Dex?
If I go with Lou... I'm more nervous and worried because I'm being a real person going to something. I would be more comfortable going on my own. Yes. I double down and I just treat it like a sort of work event type thing. Yeah. You know, and that's easier. Yeah. Because if you don't know them that well.
Yeah, so there could be anyone at this. There could literally be an Andrew Lloyd Webber there. So I find those, it's the walking in I don't like. The moment you're with someone, you're gold.
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Chapter 8: What small business shout-outs do they give in this episode?
Ask. Because the thing is, right, I've always thought, I know this sounds bad, I read Boris Becker's book about being in prison, and I read another book about being in prison. Yeah. And I thought, do you know what? I think I'd be all right. 23 hours a day on my own in a room, I think I'd be fine. Fuck that.
After this morning, when my phone wasn't working, I didn't have a window, and I didn't have tea-making facilities, I thought, I wish... I just... I need to get out of here as fast as possible.
Is it illegal for a hotel to give you a room that has no window? In the UK, building regulations typically require rooms to have natural light and ventilation. which usually means windows. However, there can be exceptions, especially in older buildings or specific types of rooms. If you're concerned, it might be worth checking the hotel's policy or the details of the room you booked.
I just think it has to be... Because you know when you... I don't think windows is a thing you normally specify. It's like saying, has it got a toilet? Has it got floors? Yeah, exactly. Are there walls? Has it got a bed? Like, a window is bare minimum. It's fucking mental.
I should do some correspondence, Josh. Yeah. Here we go. What do you want? Flying solo as a child? Yeah, we haven't done that much. Let's do a couple of them. Flying solo as a child, Josh. Hello, guys. I loved hearing about the kids who have flown on their own and have just heard the story of the 12-year-old and 8-year-old sisters travelling by train from Glasgow to London.
When I was 8 and my brother was 12, we flew to Iran via Moscow on our own to visit dad who was working there. Oh, my God. 8 and 12. This was in 1976. Oh, my God. Two years before the revolution. It was also the time of a strike at Heathrow. And I remember my mum going to the chapel to pray for our safety whilst we were battling the crowds. Jesus fucking Christ.
That was before we even left England. We flew on Aeroflot. And they judged my brother to be an adult. We didn't even get an escort. Not even through Moscow airport where the alphabet isn't the same. Jesus fucking Christ. We didn't even get seats together on the first leg. Oh my God. But I remember I made a friend and luckily her mum saw us through Moscow.
oh my god in the soviet union on the way to iran on the way to iran it was nicer before the revolution though yeah i know but fuck me mate i mean it's not worth going through moscow for it is it Where are they fucking flying from to get there? He's gone up to go down. Good point. We got to Tehran. We didn't know our dad's exact address, so they wouldn't let us through.
They held my brother behind, as once again they judged him to be an adult. I was taken through with security guards to try and find our dad.
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