The Bobby Bones Show
TAKE THIS PERSONALLY - Understanding the Enneagram Beyond the Stereotypes
23 May 2026
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Chapter 2: What is the Enneagram and why is it important?
Because they kind of see everybody else as having their identity, but why can't I find that identity that fits? Really being seen and understood is very important to fours, as it is to all of us. They bring that to the world. They can also be amazing at taking their inner world and making it a reality, be very successful in implementing their cool imaginations and ideas.
They search for authenticity and they also bring authenticity to relationships, spaces. They're amazing at creating places where people feel safe and welcomed to be exactly who they are. Well, I just heard a wing of my fiance there. Oh, cool. Potentially a very strong portion of it. I keep trying to encourage him to take it. He keeps forgetting. But I want him to take it.
And you just sitting there described that. I was like, oh, that sounds a lot like my fiance. A little flavor might be there. Yeah, for sure. Very neat. Just a wing or his maybe core type? Do you know his core type? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You see some flavor there. Something. Yeah. Okay. Next are the fives, which I am a five. So that we're describing little me.
We have a fear of being overwhelmed or incapable. And so what we do, the world feels that way. I used to joke that I would walk outside and be overwhelmed by watering my plants and be like, why do I have so many plants? And you can see the plants behind me. The world feels overwhelming and the world feels like it demands of us and it feels like people demands of fives.
And so fives respond and try to handle that by being very independent, by meeting their own needs. Gathering knowledge and information is really important to fives in order to feel like they have enough knowledge and competence to then do what is needed to be done, either for others, for their jobs, for their family members, for their own life. or even to just keep themselves safe.
It is a lot about knowledge. They're very up in their head, don't tend to compartmentalize feelings and need to kind of get into the body. And yet they also bring knowledge such rationality and logic to the world.
It's a real gift to have a five in a kind of tumultuous situation with you because not only are they calm, they really want to understand what's actually going on and they can be very neutral in that kind of understanding. So there really can be a safe space for lots of different opinions and keeping it copacetic, but in a way that is inviting real true
knowledge, logic, reason, and understanding. So that makes sense why you are a life coach and you like to help people. That tracks. Honestly, I'm an artist and a writer first and stumbled onto the life coaching. And then when I did, I was like, oh, I have been a life coach all day long and I didn't realize it. I was like, oh, I've been doing this with my friends and family the whole dang time.
So yeah, it was a fun surprise. Oh, I love that.
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Chapter 3: How can understanding your Enneagram type lead to personal growth?
The true calling just happenstance by way of the Enneagram, which I think is really cool. Yeah. Yeah. It was a cool, yeah, happenstance that was not planned for. Love that. Okay, sixes. They have a fear of not being able to handle life on their own. They want security and assurance and safety. And so how they try to get that is through thinking, assessing, planning, predicting, worrying.
It is a lot of head energy trying to assess what's happening in the moment to be prepared for the future. They're the ones on the Enneagram that move and fluctuate constantly. They call it a phobic six or a counterphobic six. Sixes that are more aware of their fear are phobic sixes. Sixes that are more like, no, not fear. I'm going to go towards that thing that's dangerous.
Those would be the counterphobic sixes. And I tend to find that one's not one or the other. They tend to just move along the spectrum depending on the day, month, or year or era of your life. They have lost touch with their inner authority. And so they try to find authority in authority figures while also distrusting authority figures.
They try to find assurance and reassurance in relationships and other people, even though they tend to be wary and distrusting of other people. It's a hard thing. in and out, very warm and friendly, but also I'm watching you sort of vibes. They are, though, so loyal, so loving. They make sure we're doing all the jobs that we're supposed to do. They care about everybody's safety and well-being.
They are team players. They're wonderful souls to have around you. So that is the good part of the six. I have a six who is a really good friend of mine. And we always say that she'll tap into her worst case scenario girly because she comes out in full force when she is unsure of a situation. And she's like, this is the worst that could happen from this.
And then you have us on the other side is like, this is the best that could happen from this. And it's a typical conversation that we have. What is your type? You haven't told me yet. Yeah, that's part of the hot topic that we're going to get into. That's why I wanted you to list them all. Because I got a little hint from what you just said, so I'm, okay, maybe, I have a guess.
Okay, I want to hear your guess too before you tell me. Do you want now? Yeah, what's your guess? From what you just said, sevens are in the best case scenario usually. They're like, hey, what could happen in the best possible way? Okay. I'll tell you I'm not a seven. Not a seven. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Let's go on. Can I go to sevens next? Yeah.
Let's talk about the sevens though. The sevens are the happy people of the Enneagram. But that doesn't mean that they're shallow. They're very deep and very intellectual and smart. They have a fear of being deprived or depleted or trapped in pain.
And so what their type does then is try to make sure that never happens by being fast moving, having lots of ideas about the next fun or cool or interesting thing to do. They like things to be happy and light and positive. I have a seven friend who's like, I don't want to tell you how I felt because that would bring down the vibes. It's okay. It's okay to bring down the vibes, babe. Be honest.
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Chapter 4: What are the nine personality types in the Enneagram?
They're not afraid. They're the protectors of the Enneagram. So not only do they protect themselves, they really have a radar for the weak and the vulnerable and make sure that those people are also being taken care of. They're very justice-minded and oriented, like ones as well. Ones are very justice-oriented and forced, actually.
We all are, but they're ones that that's a really big, important thing. They are known... stereotypically for anger. And they do present with a lot of anger, but they will tell you that actually that's misunderstood. They're like, yeah, I am. Duh. But also 50% of that is misunderstood as passion. I'm just passionate and I'm telling it like it is.
So it's really important for people to be honest with them. They bring a lot of empowerment to others, right? So they're all about empowering themselves, but also empowering other people. They want other people to step into their own and be able to stand their ground. And they have the most tender, squishy hearts you will ever, ever find in people.
They are just like squishy teddy bears and so soft and so loving. And when they let their guard down with you, it's a really special thing because they would hate it. They'd be so mad right now, but they're so sweet. That's so funny. I've never.
So in all of my research and doing a lot of these, I don't know that I've ever heard that description, that last part of the eight of having the big heart side. I know a lot of eights who do. That's a big side to them. But it's funny because it's not in a lot of the text, if you will, about the Enneagram eight. It's really more about the heartedness that they have and the empowerment side.
But yeah, that squishy heart you talk about, we don't read a lot about it. Yeah, I think it's happening more and more in texts that people are finding out and making sure to say that because maybe like with fives, we don't give off a lot of things. So you have to dig a little to find out. With eights, you have to dig a little to find the tender heart that's there. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I'm glad it's becoming more in text. That's cool. Yeah. Me too. Because they deserve us to know how sweet they are. Okay. Lastly, nines. Their fear is of loss and separation and annihilation. So not having a sense of self if they lose connection with important people in their lives. So what they tend to do is make sure they're in harmony or unity or peace with themselves and with others.
And they merge and go along with other people in order to maintain connections that feel good or that they feel are life-giving or necessary. They take their fire and passion, which does exist, dampen it down and go asleep to that and who they are for a little while. But it doesn't stay that way forever. Nines have times where that kind of wakes up and they're not as
flowy and easygoing and sometimes that's like a volcanic eruption and sometimes it's, oh no, I matter and this is the right thing and I'm important in life. So they're very warm, very friendly people. They tend to have trouble with prioritizing things because everything feels equally important. important.
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Chapter 5: How does trauma affect Enneagram personality results?
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Now, Melissa, this is where the hot topic comes in. All right. I'm unprepared, but let's go. So when I took the Enneagram test, I was actually going through a very deep therapy experience after getting out of an abusive relationship. So I do think my test was a thank you. But I think my test might have been a little skewed because I know it's not possible to be two core ones.
But I was 49 percent, 49.5 percent of an eight and 9.5 percent of a two. Mm-hmm. So my test was both. And it did not really lean into any wings as much. It was really more those two were very foundational for me. So I've tried to, as I've gotten older, when I learned that it's not possible to have two core types, really look into that and understand that.
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Chapter 6: Can you have two Enneagram types or wings?
And you're like, why? Why am I stuck? Why am I doing the same things? What's going on with me? I've tried everything. I'm in therapy. I'm in and I'm trying all the stuff and it comes across your awareness or something. And you go, oh, shit. You might read it and say something like that because it peels back.
I felt like my skin had been peeled off when I finally found out my type and people could see all my messy little insides and go, shoot. It's really helpful to understand your motivations of what's going on and to figure out your childhood and to understand your inner child and to work on the parts of yourself that
It's really a tool that can be combined with other tools for, I think, a high level of effectiveness in healing and transformation. When I had experience learning the Enneagram, even at that time, and now I can obviously look back and see a different side to that.
But when it happened, it was really formative for me and understanding the things that were happening to me of just why it might relate, how it might connect to different parts of my life and the story that I'd been telling myself, right? The things that I had convinced myself of and That's why the Enneagram in general just holds a really special place for me.
I think it can be a really big healing tool for people. I think that it can work in a way that allows you to heal and see yourself from a different perspective than you ever really thought possible. And I don't know if your clients experience that same feeling as well. Yeah, I try to approach any kind of work with self-compassion, consent, love, kindness, right?
So we're not going into anything deeper without really trying to understand with a lot of gentleness what's happening here, right? And when we see that, okay, let's explore that of why, but let's go there with kindness.
compassion and no shame and no judgment and no any of this of let's I love that you said your story it is about our stories right it's not just a type the type helps you give a pathway to tell your story and do so with more understanding and gratefulness for what kept you safe for so long these patterns they did so much good for you let's thank them before we learn how to expand. And I think
Doing inner work in that way and having something, a tool like the Enneagram that helps you get, that has complexity so that you can really get clear and you can, it's almost like a language that we can speak back and forth between each other that just goes, oh, oh. If I know somebody's a four, I can speak to them in a way that they will resonate with and then we have a connection, right?
Then we can go deeper rather than I just speak to them like I would as a five person. with my logical left brain kind of stuff, I meet people where they're at. And that's, I think, a really great tool too for relationships and not only with ourselves, but with others. It really brings more connection and understanding.
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Chapter 7: What are the stress and security arrows in the Enneagram?
If you do X, Y, and Z, you can make that happen. And... I understanding that side of who I might be allowed me to pull back and become a much better listener and not a challenger when it wasn't the place to be. And that really strengthened a lot of relationships for me because I could understand my own flaw in a moment as it was happening. Yeah, that's what awareness does.
There's the three A's in life coaching, which is awareness, acceptance, action. And so if you're working with that, you're seeing and being aware, then you're accepting about yourself. Then you decide. what you want to do with it, right? And so the Enneagram gives you really specific ways to get into all of the nooks and crannies of yourself to make that happen in a myriad of different ways.
But the acceptance part is really important because it gives you, I feel like acceptance gives you more of an ability to change in ways that are congruent and alignment, like with your core values and who you want to be as a person versus just like crapping on yourself. We don't need to do that. That's not what we're here to do. We're here to be nice to ourselves, right?
We want to grow, but we want to grow from a place of love, not a place of, oh, I'm so bad and I'm so terrible and I failed so much. Like, sure, yeah, we all make mistakes, but let's get to the reason why that happened. Let's be kind, accept it, and then say, okay, what do I want to do now? So I like the example that you gave of that. I think that's really great.
It's almost a self-policing thing that's happening. It's not somebody else doing it to you. Once you have the information, knowledge is everything. And like you talk about here is those three A's. But what's so important in that is that you are the one who's getting to make those choices. It gives you your own autonomy. Yeah. Where you get to say, okay, this is what I know.
This is what I can do about it. And I'm going to do X, Y, Z. Instead of it being somebody suggesting because they understand you in a certain way. And then you're doing it because of somebody else. It's all you. The Enneagram is all you. It's all the self-understanding, self-awareness, self-realization.
And nobody can take that away from you, which was also something that I found very powerful about the Enneagram. Is that something you've also experienced? Oh, yeah. I tell all my clients all the time. It's not about, yes, I need to be trained. Yes, I need to know my stuff. Yes, I need to do my job well. But you have all the answers already inside of you.
The space between us is a place where we create enough safety and love and connection for For those answers to emerge. And all of the aha moments are like really magical. It's not me imparting all of my wisdom on somebody else. It's us talking through things till they're like, and something spills out of your mouth. I'm like, did you catch that? Or a micro expression? What are you feeling?
And then I'm like, do you realize what you just said? It was so amazing. And they're always like, wow. oh, thanks, Melissa. I'm like, no, that arose from within. So not only is it giving you agency, it's also showing you your own power. And it is a tool that helps your power arise from within. All of your answers come from you. Do you see a lot of, yeah, and you just said it right there.
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Chapter 8: How can the Enneagram improve communication in relationships?
It's not just the stereotypical explanation of a four, right? There's room for it to be bigger and broader and wider. And then I think the other big thing is that it just, it's giving you a type, it's giving you a label, and you are that.
When in actuality, it is a tool for transformation and healing and growth and is not meant to label somebody or label yourself and be like, this is the way I am. Excuse, excuse, excuse. And I can keep going. It's really meant for you to take a deep breath. Look at yourself again with compassion and love. No shame. But really look at things and go, no, no, no excuses.
Let's figure this out and let's live a bit better and expand and grow. So I think those are the two main ones. Yeah. Yeah, those are great perspectives. I assumed I knew there had to be something that the negative side, if you will.
But you mentioned those also sub parts, the stressors, the triad, these kind of other categories that fall once you figure out which Enneagram you fall under and you most identify with. Talk to me about those kind of subcategories and how they help us really understand further. Okay. I'll try to do so in a way that's not confusing. Your wings.
So if you have your core number and it's on a circle, a wing, do me a little thing. It's like the number on either side of your core type. Okay. And it can only be a number on either side. It can't be like another, how I was talking about, like I'm an eight wing too. That's not possible. You can only have a number on either side of your core type. So it's just, it doesn't change your type.
It gives you, if you're like, I'm a five wing four. And it's if I'm a logical, reasonable, head-centered five, but I'm also really into beauty and I love artistic expression. It's not that fives can't be that, but you could further explain that with a little flavor of four over here, right? I like the flavoring. It's a little sprinkle of oregano or something. It's just a spice.
It doesn't change your core type. There's not a lot to do with the wings other than it just helps explain a little bit of your flavor of five or whatever your core number is. You're more dynamic than just a one. You have a few more sprinkles, cherries, you know, that are part of the party.
And some people have both wings and some people have one and some people are like, no, I don't resonate with either of them. And I say to each their own, whatever helps you feel like expresses yourself best. Okay. Stress and security. These are really important. These are big. These help you figure out your main type.
I think they're one of the most key things to help you figure out your core type. Where you go in stress. I don't have it. I want to draw it and hold a little picture. If you look, all the numbers are in this hexad. They're all connected. And so each number has a line that moves out from the main type. They're called arrows or lines.
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