Aasif Mandvi
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
College athletes, they're princes of their schools and enjoy everything from the love of enthusiastic coaches to all the attention they get when they twist their poor little ankle out of their skin. But there are still some students, like this University of Minnesota wrestler, who would spit in the face of the NCAA and defy their perfectly fair rules.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Yeah, but it's not your name anymore. It belongs to the NCAA. That's right. NCAA rules say athletes can't profit by using their own name in a song that they wrote that has nothing to do with sports. Don't forget, the NCAA is giving them the gift of education.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
And then you're also making a buttload of money on this song.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Let me tell you your first problem. You're rapping under the name Joel Bauman, okay? Dude, Joel Bauman is the accountant of the record label. Understandably, the NCAA must also distance themselves from Bauman's degrading gangster rap.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
But you're a good wrestler, though, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Yes, this type of profiteering would sully the NCAA's image as stewards of amateur athletics. After all, their mission is to protect college sports from the corrosive influences of commercialism and to uphold the ideal of the student athlete who simply plays for the love of the sport. But ex-UCLA basketball player Ed O'Bannon thinks he's entitled to more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Oh, really? Billions of dollars? Well, our research shows that the NCAA's total revenue is only six billion, so it's not that many billions. And those one shining moment montages don't pay for themselves. Of course, we can't show you any of those because the NCAA won't license it to us. But instead, we bring you this. It's one shining moment. It's all on the line. It's one shining moment.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
It's frozen in time. Okay, you get the idea. But somehow, O'Bannon is still ungrateful and is suing them for using his likeness in their one minor little video game. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, the other platform. No, not the one for the Xbox. Not the Wii. No. Yes, this one. That one. Dude, I'm in a video game, okay? The Last Airbender. I mean, nobody's ever played it, but I'm in it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Yeah, I got paid . Yeah, I'm not a schmuck.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
I couldn't believe these detractors were slandering this upstanding and open institution. So I went to the NCAA to let them respond. I wanted to sit down with you to give you a chance to clear your good name. First question, why am I talking to a telephone?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
What are you, Philip Morris? I've spoken to racist Islamophobes. I have spoken to a guy who makes asbestos. You're the NCAA.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you reading a statement?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Is this even the NCAA that I'm talking to?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
But ultimately, when all is said and done, the athletes know that the NCAA will take good care of them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
But the school will cover the expenses should these concussions lead to any medical expenses after you graduate, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Are you f***ing kidding me? Okay, now I think I understand why they don't want to talk to us. Yeah, they're kind of douchebags. It's one shining moment.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
What is, what is all this WikiLeaks? Well, John, it's the 21st century. What I've coined the information age. A glorious, thank you, a glorious utopian data scape in which everyone has a right to know everything about everyone. It's why I get to see your penis at the airport.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
Oh. Oh, really? Yes. Is there something about your penis that you don't want us to know about? Are you in favor or are you not in favor of transparency?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
Ah, wrong again, Rip Van Old Grandpa Man. Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know. Because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping it from me. Like your penis.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
Sure. That helps you sleep at night? All right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
Oh, I'm an old 20th century man driving my car to get food. People still do that. You don't do, I'm not that much older than you are. Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's count the rings on your penis. That's not how you find out. Stop with the penis already. I know, I know, John. I'm annoying you. But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark of a free press.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
That's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important. It's basically our generation's Pentagon Papers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
Well, it's not meant to, man, no. It's about the beautiful anarchy of information. It shows that what the government says in private is not necessarily what it says in public. But who doesn't know that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
And that's why your fly will always be up and my generations will always be down.