Aasif Mandvi

Well, that was the old slogan, John. America has rebranded its immigration policy. And the new slogan is? What can Brown do for you?

They're already in your state, your town, maybe even your street. And they are called Latinos.

Boston Market. Watch out, because they're not leaving until they get what they came for.

A life as boring as yours. And they are prepared to do anything to get it.

And when the chips are down and their backs are against the wall, they'll make the best salsa you've ever had. So wake up, America. The Latinos aren't coming. They're already here. Latinos.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Well, it's not supposed to be, John. It wasn't easy for our European ancestors. They had a long, arduous journey just to get here. And then they had to kill a continent's worth of squatters while still suffering from boat lag. I think these new immigrants have it easy. Give me a choice between wiping out a nation of indigenous peoples and bussing tables. It's no contest. Better tips.

I know I'm brown. But I'm from India. I'm tech support slash cardiologist brown. Shout out. Not dishwasher slash Los Angeles parking attendant brown. And I say that with no disrespect.

Absolutely not, John. This debate has nothing to do with the ethnicity of these Mexicans.

Oh, it's a nervous tick. Mexicans make me nervous.

That's right. For example, immigrants that speak English will get ten points. Those who work in science and healthcare get eight points. Military service, five points. No leprosy, two points. And if you use all your letters, 50 bonus points. Austin, what is the point system trying to accomplish? Well, it lets us know who's worthy.

You know, people like you could be satisfied with this being a nation of 12 to 15 point immigrants. I think we can do better. It'll be like the SATs. Assigning a point value will keep us from becoming a safety country. This is America, John, not Wesleyan.

College athletes, they're princes of their schools and enjoy everything from the love of enthusiastic coaches to all the attention they get when they twist their poor little ankle out of their skin. But there are still some students, like this University of Minnesota wrestler, who would spit in the face of the NCAA and defy their perfectly fair rules.

Yeah, but it's not your name anymore. It belongs to the NCAA. That's right. NCAA rules say athletes can't profit by using their own name in a song that they wrote that has nothing to do with sports. Don't forget, the NCAA is giving them the gift of education.

And then you're also making a buttload of money on this song.

Let me tell you your first problem. You're rapping under the name Joel Bauman, okay? Dude, Joel Bauman is the accountant of the record label. Understandably, the NCAA must also distance themselves from Bauman's degrading gangster rap.

But you're a good wrestler, though, right?

Yeah.

Good.

Yes, this type of profiteering would sully the NCAA's image as stewards of amateur athletics. After all, their mission is to protect college sports from the corrosive influences of commercialism and to uphold the ideal of the student athlete who simply plays for the love of the sport. But ex-UCLA basketball player Ed O'Bannon thinks he's entitled to more.

What for?

Oh, really? Billions of dollars? Well, our research shows that the NCAA's total revenue is only six billion, so it's not that many billions. And those one shining moment montages don't pay for themselves. Of course, we can't show you any of those because the NCAA won't license it to us. But instead, we bring you this. It's one shining moment. It's all on the line. It's one shining moment.

It's frozen in time. Okay, you get the idea. But somehow, O'Bannon is still ungrateful and is suing them for using his likeness in their one minor little video game. No, not that one. No, not that one. No, the other platform. No, not the one for the Xbox. Not the Wii. No. Yes, this one. That one. Dude, I'm in a video game, okay? The Last Airbender. I mean, nobody's ever played it, but I'm in it.

You don't see me complaining.

Yeah, I got paid . Yeah, I'm not a schmuck.

I couldn't believe these detractors were slandering this upstanding and open institution. So I went to the NCAA to let them respond. I wanted to sit down with you to give you a chance to clear your good name. First question, why am I talking to a telephone?

What are you, Philip Morris? I've spoken to racist Islamophobes. I have spoken to a guy who makes asbestos. You're the NCAA.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you reading a statement?

Is this even the NCAA that I'm talking to?

But ultimately, when all is said and done, the athletes know that the NCAA will take good care of them.

But the school will cover the expenses should these concussions lead to any medical expenses after you graduate, right?

Are you f***ing kidding me? Okay, now I think I understand why they don't want to talk to us. Yeah, they're kind of douchebags. It's one shining moment.

Asif.

What is, what is all this WikiLeaks? Well, John, it's the 21st century. What I've coined the information age. A glorious, thank you, a glorious utopian data scape in which everyone has a right to know everything about everyone. It's why I get to see your penis at the airport.

Oh. Oh, really? Yes. Is there something about your penis that you don't want us to know about? Are you in favor or are you not in favor of transparency?

Ah, wrong again, Rip Van Old Grandpa Man. Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know. Because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping it from me. Like your penis.

Sure. That helps you sleep at night? All right.

Oh, I'm an old 20th century man driving my car to get food. People still do that. You don't do, I'm not that much older than you are. Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's count the rings on your penis. That's not how you find out. Stop with the penis already. I know, I know, John. I'm annoying you. But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark of a free press.

That's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important. It's basically our generation's Pentagon Papers.

Well, it's not meant to, man, no. It's about the beautiful anarchy of information. It shows that what the government says in private is not necessarily what it says in public. But who doesn't know that?

And that's why your fly will always be up and my generations will always be down.