Ankar Singh

I'm single, I'm trying to date, and all of my friends and family, they're in relationships and they're always trying to give me advice, you know? They're like, be safe out there, man. STDs are on the rise. Be safe. Oh, my God, it's so scary. It's like, yeah, STDs are scary, but you know what's scarier than STDs dating today as a man? It's how expensive dating actually is, dude.

I went on a date with a woman a couple of weeks ago, and honestly, I much rather would have gotten crabs from her in the bedroom than have to pay for crabs at the dinner table. Yeah. All of my friends are like, oh, my God, HIV is so scary. HIV, you know what's scarier than HIV? MKT market price. We don't even know how much this shit costs. I didn't know there was a market for it.

I'm on Robin Hood trying to short the stock. I'm doing everything. But I did bring that girl home afterwards, and she was a little heavy set. She was a little big. She was fat. And... We get back to my place, we're making out. She takes my pants off and she sees my uncut gem and she goes, ew, you have extra skin. And I was like, you have extra skin, you big bitch. What the hell?

Victory for you, sir. Well done. Hello, Sam. Hey, how are you? Pretty good. I'm upset that the bear went off at the punch, but it's okay.

Yeah, I was pretty fat, yeah.

I was very meaty and, like, empty. Was that it?

Yeah, so she says I have extra skin because I'm uncut.

LAUGHTER I'm Punjabi. We're like Northern Indian. Okay. Sikhs? Yes, Sikhs. The warriors.

Two years in Houston.

A little bit. A little bit.

No, he worked at a gas station.

She doesn't really work. She's retired. Traditional home. Yes, very.

I guess I just spend my evenings doing stand-up. That's really it, and then working throughout the day.

Yeah.

I've slept with one, yes. You've slept with one. There was a lot of oil in my bed the morning after. Wow, incredible. That's not bad, it's true.

Because I don't really secrete that much.

No, she wasn't. She was in the audience. Wow. And she thought you were so funny. I guess so, yeah. And you invited her back to your place.

They talk a lot. What?

Sorry, Ian. Just like... Apology accepted. I don't know, a bunch of like stuff about black history and I didn't really pay attention to much of it. Yeah, you didn't want to hear. You're just trying to fuck. No, I didn't.

And then she showed up the next week at the same spot, and I kind of just pretended like she didn't exist.

And, yeah, I never talked to her since.

You came out here so likable.

What does Ankar mean in your language? It's the first word in our book. It means like oneness with God and like the interrelatedness of everything. And I think my mom kind of fucked up with that. Yeah? Yeah. I have it in my car.

Uh, I don't know. Be good at comedy, make people laugh. Other than that? Uh, buy a car for my mom. Aw. For your mom? Yeah. Wow. What kind of, uh, car? She has an Acura TSX. And what do you want to get her? I don't know, like a mom car. Wow. Like a Lexus or something, or a SUV. My dreams are very achievable. I keep them low. Mom, it's me on car. I got you a mom car.