Chris Cabral

Do you all know I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records? You all know this? Yeah, that's pretty cool. World's longest infant penis. Thank you. Thank you. I'm very proud of that. Very proud of that. In fact, the doctors wrote, they hand wrote in my medical records, it says, wow. We thought it was a baby anaconda. Yeah, I'm very proud of my records. In fact, I had my record for about one day.

Only one day. Yeah, as it turns out, they measured the umbilical cord instead of my penis. So, yeah, it was kind of embarrassing there. But, yeah, so that's my one minute. Thank you.

Three years.

Charlottesville, Virginia. Okay. Yeah.

Go ahead. I'm a park ranger in my civilian life. But what did you say originally? I used to do law enforcement in the park ranger world.

Yeah, that little. Spit out the nut.

Yeah. Typical law enforcement stuff, but mainly people vandalizing things and kind of doing all that type of stuff. But now I do education for the parks.

How old do you think I am?

All right. I like the music there.

I was mugged. I was mugged by a two-year-old. Okay. Yeah. And that is true. That's a true story. Okay. Now tell us the story, Chris. I was on the U.S. national luge team.

All right. I was in Moscow, Russia, and a... Little kid latched onto my leg, and this turned out to be a big deal. I'm trying to get the kid off. I had a teammate with me. He would not leave. It's like zero degrees in Russia. I'm grabbing his head, trying to pull it back. He's going . He just kept on. He wouldn't let go. The kid wouldn't let go. I was with a buddy of mine, a teammate.

The mom came out, grabbed my teammate. And I'm still struggling with the kid. He wouldn't let go. And his little snot was run down. It was crazy. And I remember I was pulling his head back. He's going, no, no. And I finally shoved the little baby on the ground. I may have kicked him a little bit, too. Shoved him, and my friend threw the mom into a snowbank because it was the middle of winter.

It's a winter sport. And we ran. We ran from the baby, and we ran down the street in Moscow, and we pounded on the bus to get in, turn around, and we get in the bus, and the baby was chasing us. We didn't know this. He stopped. And he stopped crying, and then he latched onto another leg. So that was my getting mugged by a baby.

I'm here in Texas. I'm a reservist in the Air Force, and I'm retiring, which is cool.