Colin Sledge
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
OK, thank you. So when I was in middle school, my Texas history teacher, Mr. Gomez, used to tell us all the time, you don't know how good you have it in America, because back in Mexico, my family has to jack off horses for money. And I was confused. I was like, where are the horses even getting the money? So my parents want grandkids, right?
And I don't really want to give them grandkids, so I thought I'd give them the next best thing, a homemade cream pie video. You know my parents hate to see me coming. Okay, so I'm in therapy now, right? And my therapist asked me recently if I ever had any homicidal thoughts. I was like, I ain't gay. You ever say that shit again, I'll fucking kill you. Okay, thanks y'all.
Boom, Colin Sledge, smart, funny.
Look at you. Adam Ray said, I'm pretty when I smile.
Yeah, the last time he said that.
How's life going for you, Colin? It's been okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Should I answer more? Should I say more of what I've been up to, or do you want to ask something? Why did your therapist ask you if you're having homicidal thoughts? Oh, that was made up. That was a lie.
Just sit down on the floor.
It's pretty fucking believable.
Well, my copay went from 50 to 90, so I haven't seen her in the new year. Wow. I emailed her my Kill Tony appearance, though. You did? Yeah, she says it was funny.
I'm going to go back soon, probably. Okay.
Well, I still teach piano. You do?
Yeah, it is. I got... One of my piano families found out about this. Oh. Yeah. The dad, who had never said anything other than, like, hello and goodbye, was like, golden ticket.
Yeah, and then his wife wanted me to demonstrate that I knew how to play piano.
I did okay there, though. Was it the husband or wife that was going to bat for you that you could be around the kids and it's okay? It was the wife hired me, yeah. What was the interview like?
Well, they just got on a referral. They're like, hey, you teach piano to this other kid, and she's good, so you can teach our kids. That was it. So nothing in person? No, I mean, I don't remember.
Just serial killers. I do get a pass for being a little eccentric. That's how I refer to it. That makes sense.
Yeah, piano tuners are the real serial killers. Ah, very interesting. I did not know that.
Well, she wanted our IDs, and one of my friends lost her driver's license because she's sort of a mess. We got a warning, by the way. I didn't finish the story. Go ahead. Thank you for clarifying. Okay.
She didn't have her driver's license, but she had her passport, and so she gave the cop her passport, and she said when they took the passport to the cop car, she said, I think there might be weed in the passport. Hell yeah.
And I was like, what percent chance do you think? And she was like, 100%. Was it in like a baggie? No, it was just in the pages.
I think we've all watched this. Let's go.
She was not the fan. I'm sorry. Oh, she wasn't a fan. No, it was another guy.
It was a white guy. All right, well, all right. Sorry about that. All right, well. Almost had her. But yeah, she... Well, I was in a good mood because obviously. And so I thought, she's probably not even going to notice. And then she came back and she was like, we noticed the weed in the pages of the passport. And... This is incredible.
Other cops pulled up, and that's when I thought they were going to jail. Not me, though, because I had a legal Delta 8 gummy. They had weed. Okay. So then what happened? They searched, they frisked all of us and sat us on the curb in the cold. And then they searched my car. They found some more of her weed, maybe.
And then the other passenger, they found more weed, a fair amount of weed, and a scale and little baggies. Oh, my God. So now it's an illegal drug dealing operation. Well, I think the scale, I'm going to go with he has an eating disorder.
They sat us on the curb, frisked us. And then they found the scale and more weed. Yeah.
And then they made her pour out all the weed from her passport and, like, step on it.
I don't know. It wasn't shake? It was real weed? Like, nugs of weed? Well, it was, like, folded in the pages. I don't know how much it was. I didn't ask. This is absolute fucking insanity, by the way.
I understand the dynamics of a physical passport. She uses it to roll joints or something. She pours it from the passport. That's so retarded.
Yeah, she's sort of my number one advisor in comedy. Okay, so then what happened? Then they asked him, like, why do you have the scale and the baggies? And I think he just didn't answer, which is probably good. And then they made him stomp on all his weed with his cowboy boots and let us go. I did... I think it was because we were talking about, like, where are you coming from?
And we said we were going from Austin back to Houston after I killed Tony. And he was like, you know, the... white guy cop's like, did you get on? And then my friend was like, yeah, you got a golden ticket. And he was like, well, congrats. He was really nice. Wow.
He's like, cool, you want to shoot this guy for no reason? I'm a big fan of KT. I thought about being like, you can have the joke book if you don't arrest my friends, but I think that would be bribing a police officer. You did everything just fine.
No, I got a warning For what? What was the initial stop for? So my Mazda CX-5... Has a taillight that's out. No. Well, yes. That's what happens. Yep. So, no, the headlights are always on. I can't turn them off. And so when the lights get switched off somehow, I don't notice because the headlights are always on.
How do you not notice when your lights are off? Well, I know the lights are on because they're always, but the tail lights are behind me and I can't tell if they're not functioning. That is true. So I got a warning for that. They didn't get a warning for copious amounts of weed. I don't know what that's about, but... Incredible. Adam Ray.
I don't really make decisions. I just feel it out.
Yeah, that's what I usually do. Yeah. Also, when I get nervous, I tend to just shut down completely. I'm not nervous now for the record. Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. So I used to work at the mall at Express. One time, these two ladies were in the same fitting room. And when that happens, apparently you're supposed to say, I'm sorry, we only allow one person at a time in the fitting rooms. But what I said was, oh, yeah. In my head, it was really quiet, you know, but they said I shouted it. I always say the wrong thing, you know?
Like, I was hooking up with this girl, and she was like, you know, talk dirty to me. And I was like, what do you want me to say? I'll just say whatever you want, just tell me what to say. And she was like, just make me feel like a slut. I was like, you're such a slut, you're having sex with me. And at the end, she was like, did you even cum? I was like, bitch, did you?
No, so why are you talking shit?
I mean, man. My friends say I have resting serial killer face.
Which question should I answer?
What would surprise you about me? I quit comedy for eight years and I just sort of got back six months ago.
I just wanted to do something with my life.
Not very much. That's why I came back.
I hang out after open mics. That's a lot.
So when they diagnosed me with autism.
Yeah, they could tell in high school just the other kids, but I had to pay a lot of money and I didn't get diagnosed until I was like 27 or something. Wow. But yeah, they had me go to like an autistic support group, but I was... Just a bunch of guys staring at the wall? Yeah. I was too high functioning for that. Okay. You were? I was the most charismatic guy there. Jesus Christ.
Must have been a real who's who. Yeah. And so I had to find, like I was too high functioning for the autistic people and not high functioning enough for the normal people, so I started doing open mics and those are sort of- That's perfect, yeah. Bridges the gap, you know? Amazing. Thank you. Amazing, Colin.
I worked at the mall. You did? Wow, what did you do at the mall? I yelled at ladies going in changing rooms.
I wasn't much for the customer service aspect.
I like just cleaning, you know. Cleaning. Yeah, folding shapes.
This is the only thing I've memorized. Chopstick. This is Charlie Brownshake. Can I have a piano?
There is? Yeah, there's multiple pedals. Well, I'm not doing that again.
Well, I kept writing for the eight years, so I don't... You have a lot of material. I have a lot of material. Okay.