Deborah Fine
Appearances
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
finding the perfect way to start a conversation and know that not everybody wants to talk to me and it has nothing to do with me okay so some conversation killers to avoid well here's one that happened so I asked somebody so you know bring me up to date what's new in your life since the last time we talked oh it's been really rough you know I got laid off from my job
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
and the tech market is difficult now. And this is my response, Mike. Have you thought, Joanne, about your resume? Like, is it one page or two pages? And what's the objective, Joanne? I become an advisor, Mike, despite the fact that Joanne did not ask for advice. She simply responded to a question. She actually gave me information about what she was going through, and I chose to give her advice.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
How often have... every parent or every girlfriend done what i'm about to illustrate hey mary how's it going oh good i'm just so sick of my husband he does this he won't do that he's he's caught up in this and i'm just sick of that i'm just so frustrated and here's my response to that mike Well, Mary, why don't you just leave him? I mean, refrain from you. I mean, be done with him. Cut the cord.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
You know what? Mary doesn't need that, Deborah. She's a citizen of the United States. She has the freedom to leave her husband when and if she chooses. She doesn't need your unsolicited advice. This is what she needs. Wow. That sounds rough. Gosh, is there anything I can do? Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. Anything besides offering unsolicited advice to someone who has not requested it.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Here's another one. Women have a tendency, and that's a stereotype, I know, but I'm going to get to the men. Don't worry. We match each other. So how was your vacation, Deborah, to Mexico? Oh, it was great. We did this. It was so fun. The weather was perfect. And this is her response to that. Oh, you went to Cancun? You went to an all-inclusive? So did we. Oh my gosh, you can't imagine.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Deborah, it was fabulous. They had this. Don't match each other. This isn't a contest. This is when you should say, so Deborah, I mean, have you been there before? Or what did you like about it the best? Would you recommend it? I mean, let's show an interest in me, would you, before you match? I mean, it happens with our kids all the time. So, Deborah, what's new with the kids?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Oh, well, my son lives in New York City and, you know, he has a live-in girlfriend now. Really? Oh, my son, you know, he's been married. He's been married a long time. They're having kids now. Okay, folks, this is not a contest. This is not a game. Why don't you ask me who he's living with? Tell me a little bit about her. Tell me about your son. Why does he live in New York?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
That would be a better response.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
I, I say, turn it into a task. That's what's, that is what worked for me. And I know it's worked for others because now I do have a history of 30 years of doing this, of helping people.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
So what I mean by turning into a task, next time you go to a baby shower, next time your spouse dragged you to an event, or you were excited about an invitation and ordinarily you wouldn't go ultimately because you're an introvert and you don't like these kinds of things. Let me make a suggestion. Go armed with a task. Here's the task. I'm going to talk to one new person. Really?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
So when I go to networking events to this day, Mike, for my business, I tell myself, you'll talk to three new people or two new people. I get to pick the number. I make myself look for two new people to talk to. I use icebreakers to launch the conversation. We can talk about that in a second if you'd like, Mike. You cannot get good at something unless you practice and invest time in it.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
I'm not asking you to invest an hour of cardio a day. I'm asking you to invest, tell yourself, three times this week at back to school night, at a lacrosse game, at a party that I'm invited to. Before the meeting begins, I'm going to start a conversation with a person that I've never really connected with or I don't know much about. And it will come, Mike. I promise you it will come.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
But it will not come because you expect lightning to strike. And I waited most of my life for lightning to strike, and it never happened.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
There is no such thing as a perfect icebreaker. If someone is willing to talk to you, almost anything will work. That's not offensive. If someone's unwilling to talk to you, nothing's going to work. But the best way to launch into a conversation is to use what I call free information about the occasion or location.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
If I'm at a baby shower, I would say, hey, how do you know either the mom, probably in my case because of my age, I would say, how do you know the mom of the future grandparent, grandmother? Or how do you know the mom-to-be? What's your connection? What's your connection to the host? That's free information about the occasion and location. If I'm on a trip,
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
And on a train, I can say to somebody, are you from this area or are you from somewhere else? Because the free information I have is they're either from this area or they're from somewhere else. Free information about occasion, location. How did you get involved with this charity? If I'm at a conference in Orlando, I'll say, have you been to Orlando before? That's the free information I have.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Yeah, like what brings you here is one of my favorite ways to start a conversation. So wherever we are, except if it's a party, then I say, how do you know the host? But what brings you here? What's your connection? I mean, if I see you talking to somebody, I pretend I don't know you or I approach you. How do you two know each other? And everybody, this is such a conversation killer.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Do not make assumptions about people. Oh, is this your wife? Or is that your husband? Or I mean, is this your girlfriend? Please stop that. Just stop. How do you two know each other is the way to find out what they're willing to tell you.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Thank you very much. Thanks for having me today. I was excited.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
today on something you should know why do you have eyebrows well there are three reasons then small talk it's really important to be good at it and we're just not we ask these rhetorical questions and don't expect an answer so we fall into these ruts how you doing mike good how are you deborah good what's new nothing what's new with you nothing i mean geez where are we headed with this that's where small talk needs a little help
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Thanks so much, Mike. I'm glad to be here.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
I agree with you that small talk is definitely demeaned as just a waste of saliva. However, I believe that small talk is the appetizer for any relationship. When you look at your social relationships, your romantic relationships, your business relationships, they probably started with small talk and then grew deeper.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
and or that you started in a business conversation such as we are having now this is a business conversation there has been no small talk if we have any hopes of developing a friendship or a business relationship then it reverts back to small talk in order to accomplish that small talk is the appetizer for relationships
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
But I don't have statistics to prove what I'm about to say, Mike. And I know where you're coming from. I used to be an engineer, and I was no fan of small talk. I didn't like chit-chatting with people. I got down to business. A part of that was my discomfort with it too. But small talk, think about everyone that's listening.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Think about the relationships in your life, the person that is your romantic interest. When you went on that first date, even if you started with a virtual via texting app, if your skills in small talk were lousy when you came face to face, I bet it was an excruciating date. And I'm surprised it didn't.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
took the journey into a real relationship the same goes in business mike i think that people do business with their friends and you cannot form or cultivate a connection or friendship with someone without introducing small talk now small talk doesn't have to just be about the weather or sports it can be something as simple as
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
one of my favorite ways to get to know someone is to ask someone like yourself or anyone what keeps you busy outside of your work because that's mike i i google stalked you before going on this program because i'm always prepared with conversation i didn't find out a lot about you outside of your business and your work history.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
So if I had a chance to have a cup of coffee with you before we launched into another interview or some business collaboration, I would say to you, what keeps you busy outside of your work in order to foster some kind of true relationship with you?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
And I don't think that's a waste of saliva because I would like to get to know you or anybody else I'm with unless they're a class A jerk or abusive in some way. But that goes for your kid's teacher. Don't you want to know them a little better?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Beyond the parent back-to-school night situation, don't you want to know the person sitting next to you when you're watching the kids' soccer game and or you volunteer for an organization that's dear to your heart and you either want to cultivate connections with fellow volunteers and or bring in new volunteers? Well, small talk... comes in handy for that, Mike.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
There's lots of ways you can use the tools of small talk in a sincere and genuine way to bring those connections into your life.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Right. And also, I'm not opposed to asking, what do you do, especially at an industry conference or I'm at a meeting waiting for it to begin and our vice president is about to launch into whatever. Then you say, well, what do you do for the organization or what's your connection with work?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
But outside of that, I could be at a party and meet someone's spouse, partner, whomever, and just say, I will say to him, her, they, what keeps you busy? It's the same idea. What keeps you busy outside of work? But now I'm at a party. I'm not sure, do they stay at home with their kids? Are they retired? Are they in transition? So just what keeps you busy?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
The goal is to find something that you are willing to talk about about yourself without putting you on the spot. I'm not going to ask you, Mike, are you married? Because what if you say no? Where are we headed with this conversation? And I'm not going to ask you, do you have any kids? People do that. Do you have any kids? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow this down.
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How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
First of all, if they don't have kids, you're headed down a rabbit hole. Secondly, if they do have kids, they probably won't shut up. So either way.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Okay, so I have a couple of ideas and tools for that. Mike, one is what I call digging in deeper. So I happen to be married. When my husband walks in at the end of my workday today, he'll probably say to me, How was your day? Right? Moni, how are you? Right? It's now everyone that's listening that has a spouse or partner. That's what we say to one another. And it becomes rhetorical, Mike.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
It's like we just mean hello, right? If I ask you how your weekend was, it means hello. If I say, how's the project? It just means hello. People aren't really asking for a response. They're just... at throwing out these rhetorical questions. So when my husband asks how my day is, how's your day, Deborah? I'll say pretty good, because I'm not certain he's interested, Mike.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
If he then digs in deeper with one more question, so what'd you have on your plate today, Deborah? Or tell me about what you worked on today. Then I know my husband genuinely wants to talk about my day rather than the fact that the Denver Broncos just hired a new coach, which is what is on his mind only at this moment. So digging in deeper is saying to somebody, how are the kids? Good.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
So what's new with the kids since the last time we spoke? That's a digging in deeper question. How's the project going, Joe? Oh, pretty good. So what's been the greatest challenge? That's the digging in deeper question. How was your vacation? Oh, it was great. What did you enjoy the most? What was the highlight? What did you think of the speaker today? Oh, good.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
So what was your number one takeaway? I mean, I could go on and on, Mike, and I'm sure you don't want me to. So that's an example of digging in deeper and it's critical, especially these days, because in North America, We ask these rhetorical questions and don't expect an answer. So we fall into these ruts. How you doing, Mike? Good. How are you, Debra? Good. What's new? Nothing.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
What's new with you? Nothing. I mean, geez, where are we headed with this? That's where small talk needs a little help.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
What else? Playing the conversation game. So if you ask most people what's been going on, let me just throw that out there so your listeners can answer in their own heads or out loud. What's been going on?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Mike, we didn't even rehearse that. That's amazing because that's what most of us say, nothing or not much. Mike, I don't know you, as I mentioned. I just can't believe it. I mean, I bet you a full day is busy and whatever else goes on in your life, you're busy, right? You're busy. You got stuff going on. But we say nothing or not much. for two reasons. Number one, because we're lazy.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
We don't take the time to think of something else. We don't work hard and invest in conversation. The other reason we say nothing or not much is because there is so much going on that we can't think of what it is. So here's my suggestion. When you have the time. Today, before we started our interview, I believe you asked me how I was.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
I sensed that you didn't mean it, that you wanted to get down to business. And so I didn't play the conversation game. I didn't do what I would have done if you and I met for coffee. If you and I met for coffee and you said, how are you doing? I would have said, well, I'm great. It's been literally below zero freezing in Denver the past week, and the sun is out today and we're up to 45 degrees.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
That would be my answer. to give you something to talk about. We could talk about the weather or the weather where you're at. Now, let me take it to another step. Someone says, how are you? If you want to connect with them because you're waiting for a meeting to begin, give them a sentence. Well, I'm doing great. This weekend, I'm really looking forward to a visit from my brother.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Well, where does your brother live? Why does he live a different place than you live? How did you come to live here?
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How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
if you don't give me something in a sentence when my grown-up children adult children say to me how's it going mom they probably don't mean it mike okay they probably don't mean it but when they say how's it going i always play the conversation game oh it's great i did a podcast with this um gentleman he literally has over a million downloads i mean you know podcasts are so popular these days and everybody's got one but this guy has one that's concrete that's solid that's successful
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How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
It was amazing. And then I stop. If they're interested, they'll ask me about it. If they're not interested, they'll go, that's nice, mom. You know, can you help me with fill in the blank? So playing the conversation is critical. When somebody asks, what's new? How's it going? How's the project? How have you been?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Could you please give me an answer in a sentence so we now have something to talk about?
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
Well, I'll give you that in a second because what I do want to respond to is that I would be successful conversing with anyone. Well, I'm pretty good at it, but I do want to say if somebody doesn't want to talk to me, there's nothing I can do about it.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
And people need to know that because most of us fear rejection so greatly that we don't start conversations with new people or acquaintances because they might reject us. Listen, oh, and we're looking for the perfect icebreaker, Mike. So everybody's looking for the perfect icebreaker. And if we don't find it, then we don't launch conversations. Let me tell you, I have hundreds of icebreakers.
Something You Should Know
How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice
But if you don't want to talk to me, Mike, because you're busy or you need to go or you just don't, I'm too tall or whatever your reasons are for not wanting to talk to me, there's nothing I can do to change that. So everybody get over that.