Hugh Grant

So far, check, check for me. Yeah, exactly. I wish I could remember the other ones. They're good.

So far, check, check for me. Yeah, exactly. I wish I could remember the other ones. They're good.

So all three children are adopted. So what does she see in you, man? I know. It's a mystery. And she was married before to a very butch ski champion instructor or something. There was an ugly moment when I was filming this film, Heretic, in Canada. When I went for a walk one day, we were filming in Vancouver, I went for a walk on Whistler Mountain nearby.

So all three children are adopted. So what does she see in you, man? I know. It's a mystery. And she was married before to a very butch ski champion instructor or something. There was an ugly moment when I was filming this film, Heretic, in Canada. When I went for a walk one day, we were filming in Vancouver, I went for a walk on Whistler Mountain nearby.

And I told my wife on the phone, and there was a bit of a silence, and then it turned out that her ex-husband lives on Whistler Mountain. I'm not very good in nature. And I did get into slight difficulties that day. And I had this nightmare scenario in which her ex-husband rescues me. Carries me down the mountain over his shoulder. That would have been a low point.

And I told my wife on the phone, and there was a bit of a silence, and then it turned out that her ex-husband lives on Whistler Mountain. I'm not very good in nature. And I did get into slight difficulties that day. And I had this nightmare scenario in which her ex-husband rescues me. Carries me down the mountain over his shoulder. That would have been a low point.

I had a career before Four Weddings, but it was a bit lame. I specialized in really low-quality miniseries. Like Judith Krantz's Till We Meet Again. I was always, for some reason in these miniseries, I was always a champagne baron, an evil champagne baron. I did hundreds of those parts.

I had a career before Four Weddings, but it was a bit lame. I specialized in really low-quality miniseries. Like Judith Krantz's Till We Meet Again. I was always, for some reason in these miniseries, I was always a champagne baron, an evil champagne baron. I did hundreds of those parts.

And I, you know, used to sell the family reserves of the best champagne to the Nazis and then get horse whipped out of the house by Michael York.

And I, you know, used to sell the family reserves of the best champagne to the Nazis and then get horse whipped out of the house by Michael York.

Yes. Another alternate title for the biography. Having raped my half-sister, Courtney Cox. Oh, my God. Yes.

Yes. Another alternate title for the biography. Having raped my half-sister, Courtney Cox. Oh, my God. Yes.

And? I'd love to see this. Oh, there was another one where I was, you know, there's a brand of champagne called Charles Aidsic. Anyway, I was him. What do you mean? Well, I played him. I played him. It was partly sponsored by the champagne makers themselves. It was not a high point in television history, I don't think.

And? I'd love to see this. Oh, there was another one where I was, you know, there's a brand of champagne called Charles Aidsic. Anyway, I was him. What do you mean? Well, I played him. I played him. It was partly sponsored by the champagne makers themselves. It was not a high point in television history, I don't think.

And I made the mistake of doing a French accent. I didn't have great lines. I remember I had to say things like... You must listen to the champagne. There is laughter in the bubbles. You know, it was lines like that.

And I made the mistake of doing a French accent. I didn't have great lines. I remember I had to say things like... You must listen to the champagne. There is laughter in the bubbles. You know, it was lines like that.

No, you're fine. I never trained. The whole thing started by mistake. I had left university. I was heading off to do another degree in a different subject, which I didn't really want to do that much. Which is what? Well, I was highly pretentious. I'd just done a degree in literature. Thank you. I was off to do... A history of art masters.

No, you're fine. I never trained. The whole thing started by mistake. I had left university. I was heading off to do another degree in a different subject, which I didn't really want to do that much. Which is what? Well, I was highly pretentious. I'd just done a degree in literature. Thank you. I was off to do... A history of art masters.

And anyway, in the summer when that was about to happen, someone said, come and watch this amateur film that I had played a small part in while a student at Oxford. And I thought, I might as well. I was showing BAFTA in Piccadilly that night. And I went there on my bicycle and I watched it. It was not a good film. I was not good in it.

And anyway, in the summer when that was about to happen, someone said, come and watch this amateur film that I had played a small part in while a student at Oxford. And I thought, I might as well. I was showing BAFTA in Piccadilly that night. And I went there on my bicycle and I watched it. It was not a good film. I was not good in it.

But at that time in England, it was very much the vogue for actors to be hoity-toity posh. It was the time of Chariots of Fire and Brideshead Revisited and things like that. So agents said to me, would you like to be an actor? We'd like to represent you. And I said, no, thank you very much. I went back to prepare for a world in the history of art.

But at that time in England, it was very much the vogue for actors to be hoity-toity posh. It was the time of Chariots of Fire and Brideshead Revisited and things like that. So agents said to me, would you like to be an actor? We'd like to represent you. And I said, no, thank you very much. I went back to prepare for a world in the history of art.

And then I suddenly thought, actually, I've got no money. So maybe I should do that for a year, and then I'll go and do my other degree. So I rang them back. I said, yeah, look, I'll do this for a bit. And I got jobs, but I was so bad, I thought, I can't leave it at that. I'll do one more and try and be better." And that has gone on for 40 years.

And then I suddenly thought, actually, I've got no money. So maybe I should do that for a year, and then I'll go and do my other degree. So I rang them back. I said, yeah, look, I'll do this for a bit. And I got jobs, but I was so bad, I thought, I can't leave it at that. I'll do one more and try and be better." And that has gone on for 40 years.

Yeah. Well, when I did this acting, I was nervous of them because I thought they must know stuff I don't know. And I did read books about, you know, the voice and the body. And I did tragic drills in the park by myself. No, really awful.

Yeah. Well, when I did this acting, I was nervous of them because I thought they must know stuff I don't know. And I did read books about, you know, the voice and the body. And I did tragic drills in the park by myself. No, really awful.

I did one where you had to, it said, you must run backwards with your arms spread out, shouting, haaaah, from your diaphragm. And I was in the theatre up in Nottingham, in north of England at the time, and I went to the local park and I did these things. And then I remember looking over at some local kids who were saying, look, he's doing it again, what a wanker.

I did one where you had to, it said, you must run backwards with your arms spread out, shouting, haaaah, from your diaphragm. And I was in the theatre up in Nottingham, in north of England at the time, and I went to the local park and I did these things. And then I remember looking over at some local kids who were saying, look, he's doing it again, what a wanker.

In many ways.

In many ways.

Well, you all know this. It's only about parts. It's just about how good the part is, really. And in the end... The script for Weddings and a Funeral came across my desk, and I auditioned, and they really didn't want me. The guy who wrote it, Richard Curtis, really didn't want me. He thought I was all wrong. But the man who directed it did, and that seemed to help.

Well, you all know this. It's only about parts. It's just about how good the part is, really. And in the end... The script for Weddings and a Funeral came across my desk, and I auditioned, and they really didn't want me. The guy who wrote it, Richard Curtis, really didn't want me. He thought I was all wrong. But the man who directed it did, and that seemed to help.

Although I must say, I never really felt I got that part. You know, you get that feeling, don't you, when you think, I'm being rather good, I'm absolutely in character here. I never felt that way. How do you mean? That guy. How do you mean? I couldn't hear him. I have to hear them, and I couldn't hear him. Well, I couldn't anyway off the page.

Although I must say, I never really felt I got that part. You know, you get that feeling, don't you, when you think, I'm being rather good, I'm absolutely in character here. I never felt that way. How do you mean? That guy. How do you mean? I couldn't hear him. I have to hear them, and I couldn't hear him. Well, I couldn't anyway off the page.

It helped after I finally met Richard Curtis, who wrote it, who is that guy. And so in some ways, I'm just doing an imitation of him in that film.

It helped after I finally met Richard Curtis, who wrote it, who is that guy. And so in some ways, I'm just doing an imitation of him in that film.

Well, this night of you, I've got better. And that is a mystery. Again, I think it's partly parts. When I got too old and ugly to do romantic comedies and started being offered these weirdo parts, it suited me best.

Well, this night of you, I've got better. And that is a mystery. Again, I think it's partly parts. When I got too old and ugly to do romantic comedies and started being offered these weirdo parts, it suited me best.

And, you know, I have another weird... I have two theories about it. One is I learned really much too late in my career that you have to mean it, that you have to think it. There's a whole other script behind the script which is all about thoughts and feelings. And prior to that, I'd always just thought, I just need to land this funny line at the right timing. And that's not the way to be good.

And, you know, I have another weird... I have two theories about it. One is I learned really much too late in my career that you have to mean it, that you have to think it. There's a whole other script behind the script which is all about thoughts and feelings. And prior to that, I'd always just thought, I just need to land this funny line at the right timing. And that's not the way to be good.

So meaning it was one thing. But the other thing was I have a weird theory that it was having children. I think I was a dried up, middle-aged, golf-addicted Englishman. Then I had children and suddenly I had heart and I had more layers or something.

So meaning it was one thing. But the other thing was I have a weird theory that it was having children. I think I was a dried up, middle-aged, golf-addicted Englishman. Then I had children and suddenly I had heart and I had more layers or something.

Well, I entirely lost faith that I could do anything else. I believed my critics, really. But I see now maybe I was wrong, because at the very beginning, If I had any talent, it was for doing strange characters and silly voices and things, outlandish things that were nothing like me.

Well, I entirely lost faith that I could do anything else. I believed my critics, really. But I see now maybe I was wrong, because at the very beginning, If I had any talent, it was for doing strange characters and silly voices and things, outlandish things that were nothing like me.

And I had this comedy group that was actually quite successful, the London and Edinburgh sort of fringe circuit, which was all character stuff, you know, silly characters. What kind of year was it? That would be mid-'80s. Okay, okay. And... Yeah, we used to perform in pubs with people like Mike Myers. He was next on the bill. And that was fun.

And I had this comedy group that was actually quite successful, the London and Edinburgh sort of fringe circuit, which was all character stuff, you know, silly characters. What kind of year was it? That would be mid-'80s. Okay, okay. And... Yeah, we used to perform in pubs with people like Mike Myers. He was next on the bill. And that was fun.

And actually, just after I made Four Weddings, I shot another film with the same director before Four Weddings was actually released, which was, you know, I was a nicotine-stained, predatory... evil, twisted, unpleasant theatre director. And I was pretty good. And I wish that at least I'd kept that other strand of my career going through all those years and years of rom-coms.

And actually, just after I made Four Weddings, I shot another film with the same director before Four Weddings was actually released, which was, you know, I was a nicotine-stained, predatory... evil, twisted, unpleasant theatre director. And I was pretty good. And I wish that at least I'd kept that other strand of my career going through all those years and years of rom-coms.

Not that I hasten to add. Not that I hate the romantic comedies. I'm proud of them. It's nice to have made films that actually entertain people. And they're much harder than people think. And in some cases, much better, I think, than the sneerers think. My wife's good on this. She was watching, I think, Love Actually the other day. Because we like to watch one of my films every night.

Not that I hasten to add. Not that I hate the romantic comedies. I'm proud of them. It's nice to have made films that actually entertain people. And they're much harder than people think. And in some cases, much better, I think, than the sneerers think. My wife's good on this. She was watching, I think, Love Actually the other day. Because we like to watch one of my films every night.

I make all the children watch it. If they don't watch them, they don't get fed. And she said, quite correctly, she said, what's good about this film is that it's about pain. And those, the good romantic comedies I did were really about pain. It's about humor dealing with pain. The pain of being in unrequited love, et cetera.

I make all the children watch it. If they don't watch them, they don't get fed. And she said, quite correctly, she said, what's good about this film is that it's about pain. And those, the good romantic comedies I did were really about pain. It's about humor dealing with pain. The pain of being in unrequited love, et cetera.

Yeah, exactly. Greed plays a big part in this. Yeah. Greed and laziness. And those two have played a huge part in my career.

Yeah, exactly. Greed plays a big part in this. Yeah. Greed and laziness. And those two have played a huge part in my career.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I still had some confidence coming off this other weird film I did before, Four Weddings. And then another one called Restoration, which was not a very successful film with Robert Downey, but I played a... kind of freakish cameo in that. And I was pretty good, I thought. And I should have at least kept that going.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I still had some confidence coming off this other weird film I did before, Four Weddings. And then another one called Restoration, which was not a very successful film with Robert Downey, but I played a... kind of freakish cameo in that. And I was pretty good, I thought. And I should have at least kept that going.

Well, I suppose that's what I've been doing for the last seven or eight years.

Well, I suppose that's what I've been doing for the last seven or eight years.

Oh, that's nice of you. Yeah, not easy. But very well directed, that thing. Very well. Susanna Beer, Danish, you know, that whole Scandi Noir thing. She made that what it was, I think. Really cool. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was going to say, I don't want to spoil it, but it's ancient history now. To be that charming guy, the ideal husband, he's a cancer doctor for kids.

Oh, that's nice of you. Yeah, not easy. But very well directed, that thing. Very well. Susanna Beer, Danish, you know, that whole Scandi Noir thing. She made that what it was, I think. Really cool. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was going to say, I don't want to spoil it, but it's ancient history now. To be that charming guy, the ideal husband, he's a cancer doctor for kids.

loving to his child, loving to his wife, marvelous. And it turns out he's an absolute savage psychopath. Yeah, I love that.

loving to his child, loving to his wife, marvelous. And it turns out he's an absolute savage psychopath. Yeah, I love that.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I feel actors can sometimes get a little pious or reverent about what they're doing, and I've never been able to go down that alley. I do, in the end, think we're in the entertainment business And if you're not entertaining people... What are you doing? What are you doing? It's a bit of a... It's a bit masturbatory. Yeah. I agree.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I feel actors can sometimes get a little pious or reverent about what they're doing, and I've never been able to go down that alley. I do, in the end, think we're in the entertainment business And if you're not entertaining people... What are you doing? What are you doing? It's a bit of a... It's a bit masturbatory. Yeah. I agree.

But that's not right either. Right. I take back everything I just said. Okay. Because if you don't have the people trying new stuff... No, I know. It's a balancing act. It's a balancing act. And the problem is, I think under the umbrella of art comes an awful lot of pretentious dross that deserves to die in the forest. That's true. But also some absolute gems and...

But that's not right either. Right. I take back everything I just said. Okay. Because if you don't have the people trying new stuff... No, I know. It's a balancing act. It's a balancing act. And the problem is, I think under the umbrella of art comes an awful lot of pretentious dross that deserves to die in the forest. That's true. But also some absolute gems and...

artistry that actually genuinely gets me going. On the plane last night, I watched Zone of Interest, and you cannot get more incredible filmmaking in every aspect than that film. It's incredible. And that clearly is not made for, you know, what you might call entertainment or money, but it's, you know, incredible.

artistry that actually genuinely gets me going. On the plane last night, I watched Zone of Interest, and you cannot get more incredible filmmaking in every aspect than that film. It's incredible. And that clearly is not made for, you know, what you might call entertainment or money, but it's, you know, incredible.

Right, right, right. For sure, for sure. And I think what sometimes has got lost, or perhaps has got lost, is the... It was possible to make big, successful box office films that were smart. I used to have a deal with Castle Rock Pictures. And Rob Reiner, who was the kind of boss of that, always said there are $200 million movies in this country. One of them's...

Right, right, right. For sure, for sure. And I think what sometimes has got lost, or perhaps has got lost, is the... It was possible to make big, successful box office films that were smart. I used to have a deal with Castle Rock Pictures. And Rob Reiner, who was the kind of boss of that, always said there are $200 million movies in this country. One of them's...

moronic and the other is very bright and and you can make big successful films that are intelligent smart yeah you know groundbreaking and he did lots of them you know and uh i think it's sad that that's got lost that that doesn't seem to exist so much anymore or maybe it's um it's moved over to netflix or something we'll be right back

moronic and the other is very bright and and you can make big successful films that are intelligent smart yeah you know groundbreaking and he did lots of them you know and uh i think it's sad that that's got lost that that doesn't seem to exist so much anymore or maybe it's um it's moved over to netflix or something we'll be right back

Yes, you do, I suppose. But you feel a bit of an asshole if you do that. Because you come to love the filmmakers, don't you? Everyone's put themselves out there, and it's a terrifying moment when you're about to present something to the public, and to just walk away and say, I'm too grand to talk to the media is a bit wanky. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Yes, you do, I suppose. But you feel a bit of an asshole if you do that. Because you come to love the filmmakers, don't you? Everyone's put themselves out there, and it's a terrifying moment when you're about to present something to the public, and to just walk away and say, I'm too grand to talk to the media is a bit wanky. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Brilliant. Then you're kind of out of the loop. Very smart plan.

Brilliant. Then you're kind of out of the loop. Very smart plan.

I am very happy with the end product, and you're right. Well, part of the reason I did it was because it was A24, and it's not often... in life that you get something as surprising and uplifting as what they've done for cinema with just sheer balls and courage and good taste creating film after film that's fresh and new and often utterly fucking terrifying. I'm still getting over Midsommar.

I am very happy with the end product, and you're right. Well, part of the reason I did it was because it was A24, and it's not often... in life that you get something as surprising and uplifting as what they've done for cinema with just sheer balls and courage and good taste creating film after film that's fresh and new and often utterly fucking terrifying. I'm still getting over Midsommar.

You ever seen that film? No, I want to see that.

You ever seen that film? No, I want to see that.

And that's the dream scenario, exactly. That's the bullseye.

And that's the dream scenario, exactly. That's the bullseye.

Well, it's definitely very smart. I mean, it's fascinating. I'm a character who makes a lot of quite long speeches in it about religion. And they were genuinely fascinating to me. These two weirdos who wrote and directed it, Scott and Brian, who also wrote, for instance, A Quiet Place. They're interesting guys. They...

Well, it's definitely very smart. I mean, it's fascinating. I'm a character who makes a lot of quite long speeches in it about religion. And they were genuinely fascinating to me. These two weirdos who wrote and directed it, Scott and Brian, who also wrote, for instance, A Quiet Place. They're interesting guys. They...

did years of research to come up with the arguments I make in this film, and I think they are really quite startling and fascinating. So, yeah, I enjoyed all that part of it. And it's filmy. I am obsessed with films being filmy and not just like a big format TV. So it's got incredible production design, incredible... photography.

did years of research to come up with the arguments I make in this film, and I think they are really quite startling and fascinating. So, yeah, I enjoyed all that part of it. And it's filmy. I am obsessed with films being filmy and not just like a big format TV. So it's got incredible production design, incredible... photography.

And it's daring because traditionally, as you know, films tend to try and keep their dialogue quite pithy and short. This is very dialogue heavy. How are you at learning your lines? Well, worse and worse. You know, the older I get, the more I drink. But I now start weeks and weeks early. And I go for walks every day, going through every single line over and over again.

And it's daring because traditionally, as you know, films tend to try and keep their dialogue quite pithy and short. This is very dialogue heavy. How are you at learning your lines? Well, worse and worse. You know, the older I get, the more I drink. But I now start weeks and weeks early. And I go for walks every day, going through every single line over and over again.

Because I think they, I have a theory that they're like dance steps. And that the more you repeat your dance steps, the more you can't forget them on the day. And then on the day you can have other thoughts and other feelings and do what actors are supposed to do.

Because I think they, I have a theory that they're like dance steps. And that the more you repeat your dance steps, the more you can't forget them on the day. And then on the day you can have other thoughts and other feelings and do what actors are supposed to do.

It's in your skin. And I hate seeing in my eyes or any other actor's eyes, I think he's just looking for his next line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's in your skin. And I hate seeing in my eyes or any other actor's eyes, I think he's just looking for his next line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right. I worked in the theater once with a very good director who used to say, don't nest, you're nesting your lines in rehearsal. And that was brilliant. You don't want to nest, but at the same time, I've worked with actors, as I say, where they're just struggling for their lines the whole time. That's all that's going on in their eyes.

You're right. I worked in the theater once with a very good director who used to say, don't nest, you're nesting your lines in rehearsal. And that was brilliant. You don't want to nest, but at the same time, I've worked with actors, as I say, where they're just struggling for their lines the whole time. That's all that's going on in their eyes.

It is of interest. There's lots of it which is of interest. The bit that would get me down is the work. a year or two years on the same story I've produced films in the past and you know by the end of the year and a half you just think I don't care anymore just get it out you know when you're in a Foley session about which footsteps for the postman coming up the stairs you know

It is of interest. There's lots of it which is of interest. The bit that would get me down is the work. a year or two years on the same story I've produced films in the past and you know by the end of the year and a half you just think I don't care anymore just get it out you know when you're in a Foley session about which footsteps for the postman coming up the stairs you know

Yeah.

Yeah.

How did you get the 40-story one? Did you actually throw someone out?

How did you get the 40-story one? Did you actually throw someone out?

It's also very, very hard to see the story, I find, after a year or a year and a half.

It's also very, very hard to see the story, I find, after a year or a year and a half.

Yeah. To produce one of those films, we used to call, you know, the cleaning lady in the editing room and just say, come and watch this film. And then suddenly you could see it. You see it through someone else's eyes. But I couldn't.

Yeah. To produce one of those films, we used to call, you know, the cleaning lady in the editing room and just say, come and watch this film. And then suddenly you could see it. You see it through someone else's eyes. But I couldn't.

Well, increasingly, I ginger up my dialogue. Not on every film, but on some of them, a lot. A lot. Maybe up to 80% is scribbled by me. Oh, really? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.

Well, increasingly, I ginger up my dialogue. Not on every film, but on some of them, a lot. A lot. Maybe up to 80% is scribbled by me. Oh, really? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.

I agree. It's a little window. I'm a master of that.

I agree. It's a little window. I'm a master of that.

particular labyrinth though and i also am fully aware that nine times out of ten when an actor says i got some ideas it's going to be shit and yeah yeah you don't want to hear it and then you dread it and then you know sometimes the director will have to say now let's do one of yours uh just which you know is going to end up on the cutting room floor just to keep him happy

particular labyrinth though and i also am fully aware that nine times out of ten when an actor says i got some ideas it's going to be shit and yeah yeah you don't want to hear it and then you dread it and then you know sometimes the director will have to say now let's do one of yours uh just which you know is going to end up on the cutting room floor just to keep him happy

Well, I was a golf addict for 12 years, so I used to get the guys together and go and golf. In the very old days, in the Judith Krantz Do We Meet Again days, I used to go to Rancho Park. I bet you never played there. Of course we have. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I was a golf addict for 12 years, so I used to get the guys together and go and golf. In the very old days, in the Judith Krantz Do We Meet Again days, I used to go to Rancho Park. I bet you never played there. Of course we have. Yeah, yeah.

They used to announce your name through a loudspeaker. They still do. They still do. And you team up with three guys you never met.

They used to announce your name through a loudspeaker. They still do. They still do. And you team up with three guys you never met.

Yeah, that killed everything. And also, I got the shanks. Uh-oh. Did you? Yeah. I got the shanks, or the Tom Hanks, as we call them in rhyming slang, worse than anybody's ever had them.

Yeah, that killed everything. And also, I got the shanks. Uh-oh. Did you? Yeah. I got the shanks, or the Tom Hanks, as we call them in rhyming slang, worse than anybody's ever had them.

That's when the ball goes far right instead of straight. It's almost impossible to achieve if you try to do it, but it's where the head of the club meets the shaft of the club. Oh, yeah. And so the ball goes humiliatingly.

That's when the ball goes far right instead of straight. It's almost impossible to achieve if you try to do it, but it's where the head of the club meets the shaft of the club. Oh, yeah. And so the ball goes humiliatingly.

Yeah. Well done. I once lost a ball chipping from off the green on live television. I was in a big pro-am in Scotland. And all I had was the tiniest chip up onto this green, one of those courses in Scotland, shanked it, went into one of those little streams and was taken out to sea lost. That's probably when I gave up golf.

Yeah. Well done. I once lost a ball chipping from off the green on live television. I was in a big pro-am in Scotland. And all I had was the tiniest chip up onto this green, one of those courses in Scotland, shanked it, went into one of those little streams and was taken out to sea lost. That's probably when I gave up golf.

That's shameful.

That's shameful.

Would you like to know my most shameful moment like that? Yeah. Took my dad and my brother to play golf in northern France, and there was one course we wanted to play on. It wasn't open, but they said, because we've got our big tournament today, but we will open it specially for you, Mr. Grant, Monsieur Grant. In fact, come early.

Would you like to know my most shameful moment like that? Yeah. Took my dad and my brother to play golf in northern France, and there was one course we wanted to play on. It wasn't open, but they said, because we've got our big tournament today, but we will open it specially for you, Mr. Grant, Monsieur Grant. In fact, come early.

We'll cook you a special breakfast, and we'll take you to the first tee. So long as you get off before the tournament, everything's fine. So we turn up. They cook us a lovely breakfast. They drive us to the first tee. Round about the third hole, I'm already in a rage. I had terrible golf rage.

We'll cook you a special breakfast, and we'll take you to the first tee. So long as you get off before the tournament, everything's fine. So we turn up. They cook us a lovely breakfast. They drive us to the first tee. Round about the third hole, I'm already in a rage. I had terrible golf rage.

I got the shanks with some chip and threw my wedge as far as I could over a kind of hill by the side of the third green into the bushes, thought, right, I never want to see that funky thing again. Then realized over that hill was not the bushes, but was in fact the first green.

I got the shanks with some chip and threw my wedge as far as I could over a kind of hill by the side of the third green into the bushes, thought, right, I never want to see that funky thing again. Then realized over that hill was not the bushes, but was in fact the first green.

and I go over the top of the hill, and there is my wedge embedded like a tomahawk in the middle of the green, right next to the hole, and the competition has now started with their best players coming up the green, and the guy who'd cooked us breakfast sitting in a buggy right by the green.

and I go over the top of the hill, and there is my wedge embedded like a tomahawk in the middle of the green, right next to the hole, and the competition has now started with their best players coming up the green, and the guy who'd cooked us breakfast sitting in a buggy right by the green.

Hello there. Yeah.

Hello there. Yeah.

I did. I got to 6.7. Nice. Yeah, but you're lower than that. I can tell from your face.

I did. I got to 6.7. Nice. Yeah, but you're lower than that. I can tell from your face.

Concerts? Yeah, no, not concerts. We'll go out for... Scandi drinking dinners. And I still have friends here, remarkably. Especially my old Castle Rock friends. Doing golf with them. Oh, good.

Concerts? Yeah, no, not concerts. We'll go out for... Scandi drinking dinners. And I still have friends here, remarkably. Especially my old Castle Rock friends. Doing golf with them. Oh, good.

What do they look like?

What do they look like?

Well, the fantasy, which is the same fantasy I've had for 40 years, is that I finally knock it on the head and write my novel or possibly a wonderful script. But I can't seem to get over that hurdle. I sit down and I'm terrified of failure. But I have pages and pages and pages of ideas and notes.

Well, the fantasy, which is the same fantasy I've had for 40 years, is that I finally knock it on the head and write my novel or possibly a wonderful script. But I can't seem to get over that hurdle. I sit down and I'm terrified of failure. But I have pages and pages and pages of ideas and notes.

And that would be really nice because also I think, right, in the last few years it's become less enjoyable to be recognisable in the street than... Well, it's just harder now. I find it harder.

And that would be really nice because also I think, right, in the last few years it's become less enjoyable to be recognisable in the street than... Well, it's just harder now. I find it harder.

The camera thing is tough, particularly with children. Yeah. So it would be nice to gently disappear.

The camera thing is tough, particularly with children. Yeah. So it would be nice to gently disappear.

Well, I looked at your three names and thought, I'm frightened of all three of you because they're all brilliant. No, no, no. You're very sweet.

Well, I looked at your three names and thought, I'm frightened of all three of you because they're all brilliant. No, no, no. You're very sweet.

And then I Googled this podcast because I don't know much about podcasts.

And then I Googled this podcast because I don't know much about podcasts.

It's gigantic. You're the richest people I've ever met.

It's gigantic. You're the richest people I've ever met.

Yeah, there's plenty more. Do you do concerts? We did a tour. We did a tour. Really?

Yeah, there's plenty more. Do you do concerts? We did a tour. We did a tour. Really?

Yes, I'd do that, yes. We'll play golf at Sunningdale.

Yes, I'd do that, yes. We'll play golf at Sunningdale.

Oh, Sunningdale, yes.

Oh, Sunningdale, yes.

No, no, no. I'm not a very nice man.

No, no, no. I'm not a very nice man.

No. I don't know. I was probably a bit hungover and grumpy. There you go. No, no. Did I have a child with me? I've got millions. And that always makes me unpleasant.

No. I don't know. I was probably a bit hungover and grumpy. There you go. No, no. Did I have a child with me? I've got millions. And that always makes me unpleasant.

Well, we think it's five. But I had them much too old in life. You know, I started when I was 52. And now, you know, I... Your first kid, you were 52.

Well, we think it's five. But I had them much too old in life. You know, I started when I was 52. And now, you know, I... Your first kid, you were 52.

Yeah, no, I'm 64, you know, and the youngest is six. And I need a long stint in a sanatorium or an abbey. I often look at the abbey that Maria lives in in The Sound of Music and wish I lived there.

Yeah, no, I'm 64, you know, and the youngest is six. And I need a long stint in a sanatorium or an abbey. I often look at the abbey that Maria lives in in The Sound of Music and wish I lived there.

I'm frightened of monks. Okay. I don't mind nuns.

I'm frightened of monks. Okay. I don't mind nuns.

I've just arrived last night. I've come to bang the drum for my film. I'm from London.

I've just arrived last night. I've come to bang the drum for my film. I'm from London.

It's brutal both ways, I find. I can't do it anymore. I think that's another age thing. I woke up hours ago very, very hungry and it felt like my heart is made of Play-Doh. Do you have Play-Doh?

It's brutal both ways, I find. I can't do it anymore. I think that's another age thing. I woke up hours ago very, very hungry and it felt like my heart is made of Play-Doh. Do you have Play-Doh?

Yeah, of course. I used to eat it.

Yeah, of course. I used to eat it.

I feel humiliated.

I feel humiliated.

Do you know what I forgot to bring? Because I'm a bad packer. Underwear. So I'm talking to you commando this morning. I feel a little bit exciting.

Do you know what I forgot to bring? Because I'm a bad packer. Underwear. So I'm talking to you commando this morning. I feel a little bit exciting.

I like to be cupped. Yeah, exactly. You like to be cupped.

I like to be cupped. Yeah, exactly. You like to be cupped.

No, I've already asked a concierge in a hotel to provide some. He looked surprised. I'll go shopping.

No, I've already asked a concierge in a hotel to provide some. He looked surprised. I'll go shopping.

No, that is correct. We can call it horror, or we can call it psychological thriller. Perhaps for people who are frightened of horror films, like me,

No, that is correct. We can call it horror, or we can call it psychological thriller. Perhaps for people who are frightened of horror films, like me,

Yes, that's true. Why is that? Explain that to me.

Yes, that's true. Why is that? Explain that to me.

It's very sad. No one's sadder than me. My local cinema just closed down after 30... I mean, I've been going there for 30 years. It's been going for 100 years. It's just awful. Yeah. To me, I can't understand the instinct of someone who says, I think I'll just sit at home and stream. That seems so utterly sad.

It's very sad. No one's sadder than me. My local cinema just closed down after 30... I mean, I've been going there for 30 years. It's been going for 100 years. It's just awful. Yeah. To me, I can't understand the instinct of someone who says, I think I'll just sit at home and stream. That seems so utterly sad.

My only object in life is to get out of the house. Yeah.

My only object in life is to get out of the house. Yeah.

I've always regarded home as hell. I think homes are hell.

I've always regarded home as hell. I think homes are hell.

The guy who dresses me on films wants my autobiography to be called Coffee in the Custard. And I think that is better, actually. Well, yeah, homes. I don't get it. That's why I don't understand why everyone wants to work from home. I cannot imagine anything more dreary or depressing.

The guy who dresses me on films wants my autobiography to be called Coffee in the Custard. And I think that is better, actually. Well, yeah, homes. I don't get it. That's why I don't understand why everyone wants to work from home. I cannot imagine anything more dreary or depressing.

Yeah. I'm married to a terrifying giant Swede.

Yeah. I'm married to a terrifying giant Swede.

Well, actually... She's magnificent. Yeah. And... As are the kids.

Well, actually... She's magnificent. Yeah. And... As are the kids.

Yeah. No, I should point that out. No, she's great. To my great surprise... While I was being pretty drunk for a few years in London about 13 years ago, the bar I used to hang out at, there was this hot Swede at the other end of the bar. And it was her. She's an athlete. She was very nearly a pro tennis player, but she's just too angry.

Yeah. No, I should point that out. No, she's great. To my great surprise... While I was being pretty drunk for a few years in London about 13 years ago, the bar I used to hang out at, there was this hot Swede at the other end of the bar. And it was her. She's an athlete. She was very nearly a pro tennis player, but she's just too angry.

Anyway, we got closer and closer, and then we started breeding, and then we fell in love, and now we're married. I love that. She's very much the man in the family. She comes from the northern part of Sweden.

Anyway, we got closer and closer, and then we started breeding, and then we fell in love, and now we're married. I love that. She's very much the man in the family. She comes from the northern part of Sweden.

I mean, Swedish men, I think, are quite masculine anyway, but when they come from the north, where everyone lives among the trees, they're really seriously masculine, and men are not supposed to talk. If you talk, it's a bit girly. No, it's true. Her brothers, I've never heard them say a word. For yes or no, they just suck their teeth. That's northern Swedish for yes or no. Oh, look at this.

I mean, Swedish men, I think, are quite masculine anyway, but when they come from the north, where everyone lives among the trees, they're really seriously masculine, and men are not supposed to talk. If you talk, it's a bit girly. No, it's true. Her brothers, I've never heard them say a word. For yes or no, they just suck their teeth. That's northern Swedish for yes or no. Oh, look at this.

Oh, the food's coming for you. Yeah, I got some coffee, thank God. Thank you very much.

Oh, the food's coming for you. Yeah, I got some coffee, thank God. Thank you very much.

That's absolutely correct. I don't allow my wife to go on any of the group chats with the schools because she offends everyone instantly with remarks exactly like that.

That's absolutely correct. I don't allow my wife to go on any of the group chats with the schools because she offends everyone instantly with remarks exactly like that.

I just can't believe she likes me. I mean, you know, I'm a bit chatty compared to Swedish men. And I, you know, she catches me watching The Sound of Music in the afternoons. I love it. We get along great. Yeah. God, I love the visual. She also has a long list of things that she says... are unshaggable in a man. And they're really tough, like having tea instead of coffee, driving an electric car.

I just can't believe she likes me. I mean, you know, I'm a bit chatty compared to Swedish men. And I, you know, she catches me watching The Sound of Music in the afternoons. I love it. We get along great. Yeah. God, I love the visual. She also has a long list of things that she says... are unshaggable in a man. And they're really tough, like having tea instead of coffee, driving an electric car.

So far, check, check for me. Yeah, exactly. I wish I could remember the other ones. They're good.

So all three children are adopted. So what does she see in you, man? I know. It's a mystery. And she was married before to a very butch ski champion instructor or something. There was an ugly moment when I was filming this film, Heretic, in Canada. When I went for a walk one day, we were filming in Vancouver, I went for a walk on Whistler Mountain nearby.

And I told my wife on the phone, and there was a bit of a silence, and then it turned out that her ex-husband lives on Whistler Mountain. I'm not very good in nature. And I did get into slight difficulties that day. And I had this nightmare scenario in which her ex-husband rescues me. Carries me down the mountain over his shoulder. That would have been a low point.

I had a career before Four Weddings, but it was a bit lame. I specialized in really low-quality miniseries. Like Judith Krantz's Till We Meet Again. I was always, for some reason in these miniseries, I was always a champagne baron, an evil champagne baron. I did hundreds of those parts.

And I, you know, used to sell the family reserves of the best champagne to the Nazis and then get horse whipped out of the house by Michael York.

Yes. Another alternate title for the biography. Having raped my half-sister, Courtney Cox. Oh, my God. Yes.

And? I'd love to see this. Oh, there was another one where I was, you know, there's a brand of champagne called Charles Aidsic. Anyway, I was him. What do you mean? Well, I played him. I played him. It was partly sponsored by the champagne makers themselves. It was not a high point in television history, I don't think.

And I made the mistake of doing a French accent. I didn't have great lines. I remember I had to say things like... You must listen to the champagne. There is laughter in the bubbles. You know, it was lines like that.

No, you're fine. I never trained. The whole thing started by mistake. I had left university. I was heading off to do another degree in a different subject, which I didn't really want to do that much. Which is what? Well, I was highly pretentious. I'd just done a degree in literature. Thank you. I was off to do... A history of art masters.

And anyway, in the summer when that was about to happen, someone said, come and watch this amateur film that I had played a small part in while a student at Oxford. And I thought, I might as well. I was showing BAFTA in Piccadilly that night. And I went there on my bicycle and I watched it. It was not a good film. I was not good in it.

But at that time in England, it was very much the vogue for actors to be hoity-toity posh. It was the time of Chariots of Fire and Brideshead Revisited and things like that. So agents said to me, would you like to be an actor? We'd like to represent you. And I said, no, thank you very much. I went back to prepare for a world in the history of art.

And then I suddenly thought, actually, I've got no money. So maybe I should do that for a year, and then I'll go and do my other degree. So I rang them back. I said, yeah, look, I'll do this for a bit. And I got jobs, but I was so bad, I thought, I can't leave it at that. I'll do one more and try and be better." And that has gone on for 40 years.

Yeah. Well, when I did this acting, I was nervous of them because I thought they must know stuff I don't know. And I did read books about, you know, the voice and the body. And I did tragic drills in the park by myself. No, really awful.

I did one where you had to, it said, you must run backwards with your arms spread out, shouting, haaaah, from your diaphragm. And I was in the theatre up in Nottingham, in north of England at the time, and I went to the local park and I did these things. And then I remember looking over at some local kids who were saying, look, he's doing it again, what a wanker.

In many ways.

Well, you all know this. It's only about parts. It's just about how good the part is, really. And in the end... The script for Weddings and a Funeral came across my desk, and I auditioned, and they really didn't want me. The guy who wrote it, Richard Curtis, really didn't want me. He thought I was all wrong. But the man who directed it did, and that seemed to help.

Although I must say, I never really felt I got that part. You know, you get that feeling, don't you, when you think, I'm being rather good, I'm absolutely in character here. I never felt that way. How do you mean? That guy. How do you mean? I couldn't hear him. I have to hear them, and I couldn't hear him. Well, I couldn't anyway off the page.

It helped after I finally met Richard Curtis, who wrote it, who is that guy. And so in some ways, I'm just doing an imitation of him in that film.

Well, this night of you, I've got better. And that is a mystery. Again, I think it's partly parts. When I got too old and ugly to do romantic comedies and started being offered these weirdo parts, it suited me best.

And, you know, I have another weird... I have two theories about it. One is I learned really much too late in my career that you have to mean it, that you have to think it. There's a whole other script behind the script which is all about thoughts and feelings. And prior to that, I'd always just thought, I just need to land this funny line at the right timing. And that's not the way to be good.

So meaning it was one thing. But the other thing was I have a weird theory that it was having children. I think I was a dried up, middle-aged, golf-addicted Englishman. Then I had children and suddenly I had heart and I had more layers or something.

Well, I entirely lost faith that I could do anything else. I believed my critics, really. But I see now maybe I was wrong, because at the very beginning, If I had any talent, it was for doing strange characters and silly voices and things, outlandish things that were nothing like me.

And I had this comedy group that was actually quite successful, the London and Edinburgh sort of fringe circuit, which was all character stuff, you know, silly characters. What kind of year was it? That would be mid-'80s. Okay, okay. And... Yeah, we used to perform in pubs with people like Mike Myers. He was next on the bill. And that was fun.

And actually, just after I made Four Weddings, I shot another film with the same director before Four Weddings was actually released, which was, you know, I was a nicotine-stained, predatory... evil, twisted, unpleasant theatre director. And I was pretty good. And I wish that at least I'd kept that other strand of my career going through all those years and years of rom-coms.

Not that I hasten to add. Not that I hate the romantic comedies. I'm proud of them. It's nice to have made films that actually entertain people. And they're much harder than people think. And in some cases, much better, I think, than the sneerers think. My wife's good on this. She was watching, I think, Love Actually the other day. Because we like to watch one of my films every night.

I make all the children watch it. If they don't watch them, they don't get fed. And she said, quite correctly, she said, what's good about this film is that it's about pain. And those, the good romantic comedies I did were really about pain. It's about humor dealing with pain. The pain of being in unrequited love, et cetera.

Yeah, exactly. Greed plays a big part in this. Yeah. Greed and laziness. And those two have played a huge part in my career.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I still had some confidence coming off this other weird film I did before, Four Weddings. And then another one called Restoration, which was not a very successful film with Robert Downey, but I played a... kind of freakish cameo in that. And I was pretty good, I thought. And I should have at least kept that going.

Well, I suppose that's what I've been doing for the last seven or eight years.

Oh, that's nice of you. Yeah, not easy. But very well directed, that thing. Very well. Susanna Beer, Danish, you know, that whole Scandi Noir thing. She made that what it was, I think. Really cool. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was going to say, I don't want to spoil it, but it's ancient history now. To be that charming guy, the ideal husband, he's a cancer doctor for kids.

loving to his child, loving to his wife, marvelous. And it turns out he's an absolute savage psychopath. Yeah, I love that.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I feel actors can sometimes get a little pious or reverent about what they're doing, and I've never been able to go down that alley. I do, in the end, think we're in the entertainment business And if you're not entertaining people... What are you doing? What are you doing? It's a bit of a... It's a bit masturbatory. Yeah. I agree.

But that's not right either. Right. I take back everything I just said. Okay. Because if you don't have the people trying new stuff... No, I know. It's a balancing act. It's a balancing act. And the problem is, I think under the umbrella of art comes an awful lot of pretentious dross that deserves to die in the forest. That's true. But also some absolute gems and...

artistry that actually genuinely gets me going. On the plane last night, I watched Zone of Interest, and you cannot get more incredible filmmaking in every aspect than that film. It's incredible. And that clearly is not made for, you know, what you might call entertainment or money, but it's, you know, incredible.

Right, right, right. For sure, for sure. And I think what sometimes has got lost, or perhaps has got lost, is the... It was possible to make big, successful box office films that were smart. I used to have a deal with Castle Rock Pictures. And Rob Reiner, who was the kind of boss of that, always said there are $200 million movies in this country. One of them's...

moronic and the other is very bright and and you can make big successful films that are intelligent smart yeah you know groundbreaking and he did lots of them you know and uh i think it's sad that that's got lost that that doesn't seem to exist so much anymore or maybe it's um it's moved over to netflix or something we'll be right back

Yes, you do, I suppose. But you feel a bit of an asshole if you do that. Because you come to love the filmmakers, don't you? Everyone's put themselves out there, and it's a terrifying moment when you're about to present something to the public, and to just walk away and say, I'm too grand to talk to the media is a bit wanky. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Brilliant. Then you're kind of out of the loop. Very smart plan.

I am very happy with the end product, and you're right. Well, part of the reason I did it was because it was A24, and it's not often... in life that you get something as surprising and uplifting as what they've done for cinema with just sheer balls and courage and good taste creating film after film that's fresh and new and often utterly fucking terrifying. I'm still getting over Midsommar.

You ever seen that film? No, I want to see that.

And that's the dream scenario, exactly. That's the bullseye.

Well, it's definitely very smart. I mean, it's fascinating. I'm a character who makes a lot of quite long speeches in it about religion. And they were genuinely fascinating to me. These two weirdos who wrote and directed it, Scott and Brian, who also wrote, for instance, A Quiet Place. They're interesting guys. They...

did years of research to come up with the arguments I make in this film, and I think they are really quite startling and fascinating. So, yeah, I enjoyed all that part of it. And it's filmy. I am obsessed with films being filmy and not just like a big format TV. So it's got incredible production design, incredible... photography.

And it's daring because traditionally, as you know, films tend to try and keep their dialogue quite pithy and short. This is very dialogue heavy. How are you at learning your lines? Well, worse and worse. You know, the older I get, the more I drink. But I now start weeks and weeks early. And I go for walks every day, going through every single line over and over again.

Because I think they, I have a theory that they're like dance steps. And that the more you repeat your dance steps, the more you can't forget them on the day. And then on the day you can have other thoughts and other feelings and do what actors are supposed to do.

It's in your skin. And I hate seeing in my eyes or any other actor's eyes, I think he's just looking for his next line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right. I worked in the theater once with a very good director who used to say, don't nest, you're nesting your lines in rehearsal. And that was brilliant. You don't want to nest, but at the same time, I've worked with actors, as I say, where they're just struggling for their lines the whole time. That's all that's going on in their eyes.

It is of interest. There's lots of it which is of interest. The bit that would get me down is the work. a year or two years on the same story I've produced films in the past and you know by the end of the year and a half you just think I don't care anymore just get it out you know when you're in a Foley session about which footsteps for the postman coming up the stairs you know

Yeah.

How did you get the 40-story one? Did you actually throw someone out?

It's also very, very hard to see the story, I find, after a year or a year and a half.

Yeah. To produce one of those films, we used to call, you know, the cleaning lady in the editing room and just say, come and watch this film. And then suddenly you could see it. You see it through someone else's eyes. But I couldn't.

Well, increasingly, I ginger up my dialogue. Not on every film, but on some of them, a lot. A lot. Maybe up to 80% is scribbled by me. Oh, really? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.

I agree. It's a little window. I'm a master of that.

particular labyrinth though and i also am fully aware that nine times out of ten when an actor says i got some ideas it's going to be shit and yeah yeah you don't want to hear it and then you dread it and then you know sometimes the director will have to say now let's do one of yours uh just which you know is going to end up on the cutting room floor just to keep him happy

Well, I was a golf addict for 12 years, so I used to get the guys together and go and golf. In the very old days, in the Judith Krantz Do We Meet Again days, I used to go to Rancho Park. I bet you never played there. Of course we have. Yeah, yeah.

They used to announce your name through a loudspeaker. They still do. They still do. And you team up with three guys you never met.

Yeah, that killed everything. And also, I got the shanks. Uh-oh. Did you? Yeah. I got the shanks, or the Tom Hanks, as we call them in rhyming slang, worse than anybody's ever had them.

That's when the ball goes far right instead of straight. It's almost impossible to achieve if you try to do it, but it's where the head of the club meets the shaft of the club. Oh, yeah. And so the ball goes humiliatingly.

Yeah. Well done. I once lost a ball chipping from off the green on live television. I was in a big pro-am in Scotland. And all I had was the tiniest chip up onto this green, one of those courses in Scotland, shanked it, went into one of those little streams and was taken out to sea lost. That's probably when I gave up golf.

That's shameful.

Would you like to know my most shameful moment like that? Yeah. Took my dad and my brother to play golf in northern France, and there was one course we wanted to play on. It wasn't open, but they said, because we've got our big tournament today, but we will open it specially for you, Mr. Grant, Monsieur Grant. In fact, come early.

We'll cook you a special breakfast, and we'll take you to the first tee. So long as you get off before the tournament, everything's fine. So we turn up. They cook us a lovely breakfast. They drive us to the first tee. Round about the third hole, I'm already in a rage. I had terrible golf rage.

I got the shanks with some chip and threw my wedge as far as I could over a kind of hill by the side of the third green into the bushes, thought, right, I never want to see that funky thing again. Then realized over that hill was not the bushes, but was in fact the first green.

and I go over the top of the hill, and there is my wedge embedded like a tomahawk in the middle of the green, right next to the hole, and the competition has now started with their best players coming up the green, and the guy who'd cooked us breakfast sitting in a buggy right by the green.

Hello there. Yeah.

I did. I got to 6.7. Nice. Yeah, but you're lower than that. I can tell from your face.

Concerts? Yeah, no, not concerts. We'll go out for... Scandi drinking dinners. And I still have friends here, remarkably. Especially my old Castle Rock friends. Doing golf with them. Oh, good.

What do they look like?

Well, the fantasy, which is the same fantasy I've had for 40 years, is that I finally knock it on the head and write my novel or possibly a wonderful script. But I can't seem to get over that hurdle. I sit down and I'm terrified of failure. But I have pages and pages and pages of ideas and notes.

And that would be really nice because also I think, right, in the last few years it's become less enjoyable to be recognisable in the street than... Well, it's just harder now. I find it harder.

The camera thing is tough, particularly with children. Yeah. So it would be nice to gently disappear.

Well, I looked at your three names and thought, I'm frightened of all three of you because they're all brilliant. No, no, no. You're very sweet.

And then I Googled this podcast because I don't know much about podcasts.

It's gigantic. You're the richest people I've ever met.

Yeah, there's plenty more. Do you do concerts? We did a tour. We did a tour. Really?

Yes, I'd do that, yes. We'll play golf at Sunningdale.

Oh, Sunningdale, yes.

No, no, no. I'm not a very nice man.

No. I don't know. I was probably a bit hungover and grumpy. There you go. No, no. Did I have a child with me? I've got millions. And that always makes me unpleasant.

Well, we think it's five. But I had them much too old in life. You know, I started when I was 52. And now, you know, I... Your first kid, you were 52.

Yeah, no, I'm 64, you know, and the youngest is six. And I need a long stint in a sanatorium or an abbey. I often look at the abbey that Maria lives in in The Sound of Music and wish I lived there.

I'm frightened of monks. Okay. I don't mind nuns.

I've just arrived last night. I've come to bang the drum for my film. I'm from London.

It's brutal both ways, I find. I can't do it anymore. I think that's another age thing. I woke up hours ago very, very hungry and it felt like my heart is made of Play-Doh. Do you have Play-Doh?

Yeah, of course. I used to eat it.

I feel humiliated.

Do you know what I forgot to bring? Because I'm a bad packer. Underwear. So I'm talking to you commando this morning. I feel a little bit exciting.

I like to be cupped. Yeah, exactly. You like to be cupped.

No, I've already asked a concierge in a hotel to provide some. He looked surprised. I'll go shopping.

No, that is correct. We can call it horror, or we can call it psychological thriller. Perhaps for people who are frightened of horror films, like me,

Yes, that's true. Why is that? Explain that to me.

It's very sad. No one's sadder than me. My local cinema just closed down after 30... I mean, I've been going there for 30 years. It's been going for 100 years. It's just awful. Yeah. To me, I can't understand the instinct of someone who says, I think I'll just sit at home and stream. That seems so utterly sad.

My only object in life is to get out of the house. Yeah.

I've always regarded home as hell. I think homes are hell.

The guy who dresses me on films wants my autobiography to be called Coffee in the Custard. And I think that is better, actually. Well, yeah, homes. I don't get it. That's why I don't understand why everyone wants to work from home. I cannot imagine anything more dreary or depressing.

Yeah. I'm married to a terrifying giant Swede.

Well, actually... She's magnificent. Yeah. And... As are the kids.

Yeah. No, I should point that out. No, she's great. To my great surprise... While I was being pretty drunk for a few years in London about 13 years ago, the bar I used to hang out at, there was this hot Swede at the other end of the bar. And it was her. She's an athlete. She was very nearly a pro tennis player, but she's just too angry.

Anyway, we got closer and closer, and then we started breeding, and then we fell in love, and now we're married. I love that. She's very much the man in the family. She comes from the northern part of Sweden.

I mean, Swedish men, I think, are quite masculine anyway, but when they come from the north, where everyone lives among the trees, they're really seriously masculine, and men are not supposed to talk. If you talk, it's a bit girly. No, it's true. Her brothers, I've never heard them say a word. For yes or no, they just suck their teeth. That's northern Swedish for yes or no. Oh, look at this.

Oh, the food's coming for you. Yeah, I got some coffee, thank God. Thank you very much.

That's absolutely correct. I don't allow my wife to go on any of the group chats with the schools because she offends everyone instantly with remarks exactly like that.

I just can't believe she likes me. I mean, you know, I'm a bit chatty compared to Swedish men. And I, you know, she catches me watching The Sound of Music in the afternoons. I love it. We get along great. Yeah. God, I love the visual. She also has a long list of things that she says... are unshaggable in a man. And they're really tough, like having tea instead of coffee, driving an electric car.