Jimmy Moynihan

Thanks, everybody. You guys seem very nice, which is good. I've been depressed lately. But I have a therapist now, which is good, because I can't talk to my friends about depression. I can't. They're not helpful. The other day, I was talking to my buddy. I'm like, I don't know, man. I think if it wasn't for my parents, I'd probably kill myself.

And he was like, I think your parents would understand. I mean, they love you, but ultimately they want what's best for their son. I had that one married friend who has like a family, so he thinks his problems are worse than everyone else's, you know? We were out late and he says, I have to go home. I've been up since 8 a.m. I'm like, I had to wake up at 7 a.m.

And he goes, yeah, but you don't have a wife and three kids at home. I'm like, oh yeah, no, you're right. Every morning when I wake up tired and depressed, I think to myself, well, at least I'm alone. Oh man, I had that nightmare again where I had a loving family. Hey, thank you very much.

Jimmy, have you been on this show before? I've never been on. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? So I've been doing stand-up six and a half years. Okay, six and a half years. Where at? So I started in upstate New York in Binghamton, and then I moved to Orlando, and I did it in Orlando for about four years.

We were very close. I love it, Jimmy. So six and a half years.

So Binghamton, New York, and then I moved to Orlando, Florida. Did it for four years there. What made you move to Orlando for comedy? So I moved to Orlando for rehab.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went to rehab and then I ended up staying. So what'd you go to rehab for? I was... Pain pills? It was like everything. I was addicted to Xanax. Benzos for sure. All right. Okay. So, yeah, I got clean, and then my parents lived in Florida, so I stayed with my parents for a little bit, three and a half years.

And then... How were you in Binghamton, New York, if your parents were in Florida? Right, so...

They turned 65, and then they moved to Florida, because that's the law. That makes sense. Got it.

So this seems bad, but looking back on it, it's not. So I would go in a grinder...

Because gay, and I would look for guys that had coke.

Maybe a little bit.

All right, good. So one time this guy, he came over, and I would never get hard, but he would just suck my soft dick. Right.

Exactly.

Completely straight.

Yeah. So yeah, we would do, we did coke. We became pretty good friends.

There's nothing like it.

I didn't... I know, I need a haircut. It's called depression. You guys like it?

I just roll the dice, basically. Uh-huh. And then... if they don't have coke.

Yeah, I guess that's not rock bottom. I got my dick sucked in free coke.

I need to go to rehab.

So, um, my girlfriend broke up with me. Aw. Shut up. Sorry. Uh, and I was already in, like, a bad place, like, mentally, and then, um, I was dog-sitting. Scooby-Doo? So I, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goddamn it! Red band, I'm getting it from all angles!

Fuck.

She broke up with me. Velma? Yeah. Yeah. So I was dog sitting at this guy's house. I was staying there for the week. I get there. There's a bunch of, there's like 65 Adderall. And then there's mushrooms underneath his bed. And then there's a bunch of weed. And she broke up with me. And then I just went to town. Wow. Yeah, I haven't told him yet.

No, I didn't tell them. So did you, let's start with the Adderall.

So I crushed Adderall up and then I snorted it. And then I took two, so that way I have the slow release.

I know, it's a nightmare when I'm on drugs.

Okay, I really, this is a comedy show, and this is going to be sad.

Just say the truth. Okay, so I took six grams of mushrooms. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Yeah, yeah, and they're in capsules. Right. So, take us through it. Okay. So, I take the mushrooms. Okay, so, I left this part out. Next to the bag of Adderall in the dresser, there's a gun.

All right. So... I've had suicidal ideations before.

And so it's always been a gun. When I think about it, it's always been a gun. Sure. So I... This is crazy that I'm doing this. You don't need to set it up, Jimmy.

Okay, so I'm kind of, like, I'm fucked up, and I keep circling the dresser with the gun in it like a dog that's, like, waiting to be fed. Yeah. And, um...

starving dog just like literally like thinking to itself this guy's taking medicine he's been eating things the whole time i'm hungry it's my impression of the dog while he's on mushrooms okay so i'm circling and um i'm so i'm crying i'm like sobbing right and have the mushrooms kicked in oh yeah yeah okay yeah this was like about an hour and a half like oh shit circling it um

And then I had texted my buddy Joe that I was like feeling like shit earlier. Sure. So eventually I pick up the gun and I take it out of the thing. Yep. And then I put it to my head. Oh, my God. And I held it there for, like, probably 10, 15 minutes. Wow. Sobbing. Yeah. Just sobbing. Yeah. And then my buddy Joe called me. Uh-huh. And I'm like, this is a gun. I picked it up. And I said, hey, man.

You were talking to the gun? What's going on? Yeah, I was talking to Joe. So I had a gun in one hand, my phone in the other. Wow. And I was sobbing on the phone with him. He was like, dude, where are you? Tell me where you are. And I'm like, I'm not telling you where I am. And then I told him I had a gun in my head. And then he's like, you have to tell me where you are.

I'm like, I'm not going to do that. And then he said something that, I forgot what he said, but it made me laugh. And I started laughing really hard. And then I put the gun down and I went outside. You look so concerned. I went outside. I'm so sorry. Calm down, he's alive.

No spoilers, Ian!

Keep going, Jimmy.

So I... Keep going, Jimmy. Stick with me, Jimmy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go outside, still crying. The gun is on the dresser outside. I call my buddy Justin, and I do the same shit. I just don't tell him where I am. Right. Eventually, he's like, I'm going to have to call the police, and they'll track your call, and you can tell me where the fuck you are.

So I did, and he came over, and I cried, and he hugged me, and... Chuck each other off.

So basically, he took me to his house, and his wife, his girlfriend made me chicken noodle soup, and I cried more. And then two days later, I went to an AA meeting. Did you ever feed the dog?