Larry David

No. No, just to get out of college.

Yeah, I wasn't interested in show business.

I know. You know, if you would have split it up, I don't think it would have been the worst thing in the world. If you would have given me a half and half, I admire the halves, you know? Sometimes somebody will tell me he's a half, and I'll go, oh, that's great, that's great.

No. My mother was funny without... trying to be funny without realizing she was being funny. Right. She had a kind of a Gracie Allen quality about her. In fact, my friends called my mother Gracie. But it wasn't purposeful. Right. She wasn't cracking wise. Right. And we will be right back.

After college, you were in the Army Reserve? Yes. Yeah, because Vietnam was going on. I didn't want to go. And I signed up for the reserves. And never got drafted. No, I never got drafted. But I got out of the reserves after two years with a psychiatric discharge.

Well, I told this, I think, on Howard Stern. It's kind of a long story, but should I make a long story short? No, we have a 45-minute and a completely different audience.

No, I was in the Army, the Reserves. I went to basic training. It was horrendous. It was the worst experience of my life. I was ducking under live ammunition and firing weapons.

I had bayonets. Yeah. And so I did that for eight weeks, and then I had occupational specialty school. I was a petroleum storage specialist. What? And then we had to, yeah, well, you have to fill up the tanks with gas. Sure, sure. Somebody has to do it. So then after I got out, I had to go to meetings once a month.

at Floyd Bennett Field, a big airplane hangar, and it was freezing and I had to go home and I stayed at my parents' apartment in Brooklyn. I stayed with them for Friday night and Saturday night and then I'd go home back to New York on Sunday. But the meetings were Saturday and Sunday and then I heard about a psychiatrist who was writing letters to get people out. So I borrowed $250.

I went to see the psychiatrist. I convinced him that I was insane. He wrote me a letter saying I was insane.

My flavor was I wanted to kill myself.

Life was just too hard.

I was able to act, I was able to act it.

I think I could have fooled, I don't know if I fooled him, because everybody was acting for him, but when I went to the meeting armed with the letter, now I'm really acting insane.

And these people who knew me for two years, Well, because I went off into the corner. I was huddled by myself. I was looking around, acting crazy. Rocking back and forth a little bit. Good, good. Still rolling. Where's the Major? Where's the Major? I need to talk to the Major. Where's the Major? Yeah. And so somebody, and I saw people pointing at me, talking about me. I know they were.

Because you're nuts. Like what was going on with me? And then I went to see the major and I gave him the letter and he read the letter and I'm sitting across from him acting as nutty as a fruitcake.

Well, he had the letter. He read the letter. He asked me a couple of questions after the letter. And then he said to me, can you drive home?

I'm sure I could have made a contribution in some way.

Wonderful, Larry.

We were both comedians in New York. So you knew each other? So we knew each other in New York. He generally performed at the comic strip. I was at the improv. But we would see each other a lot. We always enjoyed each other's company. We would actually go and write together in the afternoon. He'd bring his premises, I'd bring my premises, and we'd go over them.

And I had written a screenplay that somehow he had read. And then when NBC approached him about doing a show, he came to me and asked if I'd be interested in working with him.

Wait a second, wait a second. I did write one half-hour, I did write a half-hour pilot for Gilbert Gottfried. No kidding. Yeah, that was filmed and they didn't pick it up. That was for HBO.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, they didn't like it.

But then the premise of the show, the premise of the show initially was how how does a comedian get his material? Right. So we would go through an episode and you would see whatever happened to him on the show. He would turn into material. Yeah, that was that was like the idea.

I don't think after the first year. I think it was a couple of years.

Um... No, I was okay with it. I didn't mind it at all. At one point I said to him, I can't believe they're letting us do this. I was really surprised. Really? Yeah, I felt like, how are we getting away with this?

Well, for the first four shows, I wasn't the executive producer. Yeah. They brought in someone who had experience. Sure. And who had a show on the air previously, and they brought him in, and he was my boss.

And so we handed in the first... A couple of shows. And then we were called into his office for notes. And he just, it was just four episodes. That note meeting, it did not go well.

I said no to everything he said. Yeah. Right. I said, I can't do that. And then I... And then I quit, and they said... And then Jerry went to Castle Rock and said, look, forget it, we're going to do this or not. And so then that guy didn't really participate after that. Yeah. And it was essentially my show after that.

The pilot came on in the summer of 89, and then the first four shows came on in June of 90.

Yeah, the first season, yeah.

Or just the pilot, I think. I think it was just the pilot. Oh, was it? I don't remember, yeah.

He championed the show. Great dude. The show wouldn't have gotten on the air if not for him.

When they got older, it was off the air.

Real quick. Did the show do well with babies? Sean, the show went off in 98. My daughter, Cassie, was born in 94. Oh, okay. And Romy was born in 96.

No, not consecutively.

But when we started, we started. Holy shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well... It was, Seinfeld had ended and I was thinking about what I was going to do next. And Jeff Garlin had, I had an office at Castle Rock and Jeff Garlin had an office next door. And he said to me, what are you going to do now? I said, I'm thinking about going back to stand up. And he said, well, you should film it. And then I thought about, oh, well, what is that gonna be?

Filming it? That sounds intrusive. I don't know. What are they, the camera's gonna follow me into a dry cleaner? I could understand. I could see how it's gonna be on stage. That could be somewhat interesting to see the growth of the act. from beginning to end. But offstage, I didn't like the idea of filming myself. The camera's following me around. I didn't feel I'm all that interesting to follow.

And so I thought maybe if I wrote some... fictitious stories that we could do that around the standup. The standup could be real, but the offstage stuff would be just stuff I made up. And so that's what I did. I wrote an outline. I made Jeff my manager, Cheryl auditioned. She was my wife. We had kids in the first special, because that's what it was. It was a special. It wasn't a pilot.

It was just a one-off special. Right. We got it. And did you get it? Or should I repeat it one more time?

Well, I didn't really want to see the kids, I realized, after the special. Sure.

I just pretended the first show never existed.

Just fucking changed it. I didn't want kids in the show. I just thought the show would be so much funnier without kids. I didn't want to deal with kids. I didn't want to keep having to explain, what about the kids? Where are the kids? Are the kids okay? Who's watching the kids? I didn't want to have to keep justifying everything that was going on and having to explain where the kids were.

I know.

I haven't noticed that, but it is... Acting and doing that Larry David on the show, it is so much fun, first of all, and kind of a little cathartic in a way.

I was pretty surprised by it. Yeah. But... It was just about a law that exists in that state.

It's so unbelievable. So stupid. It's so great. Yeah, I remember when I heard about that law, I wrote it down in my notebook. And then... I knew I was going to, you had to use that.

You're good.

I'd love to be an offensive coordinator for an NFL team.

That would be my dream job.

No, I don't know anything about it, but I feel like I'd be good at it. Yeah. Yeah, I know nothing. But I feel like if I studied it, if somebody took me under their wing, I feel like in a year or two, I feel I could design great plays. It's a creative endeavor, really, when you think about it.

Well, you know, I'm a Jet fan. I'm also a Giant fan, but I'm more Jets than Giants. When Joe Namath came in in 1965, I really took to him, and so I became a Jet fan.

Well, I hate, you know, it becomes a job returning the birthday emails and the texts.

It's a bit of a job. So, yeah, I don't like it.

All you can do is make a face and shake your head. Yeah.

It becomes a job. I detest all holidays. Not one. Not one. There's not one holiday that I like. I particularly hate Halloween. I hate Thanksgiving. I hate Christmas. New Year's I can stand because I know that the whole thing's going to be over soon after that night. Yeah, but you've got to stay up late. You hate to stay up late. No, I would stay up. I haven't stayed up past 12 in 15 years. Yeah.

Why Halloween? Because you've got to dress up. The... The costumes, the kids, the bothering, you know, knocking on the door. By the way, my house is in darkness on Halloween.

The thing about the dinner party is you don't know who's going. That's right. And that's what really bothers me about it, that it's such a fucking secret as to who you're inviting. And then you show up, oh, you're here. Oh, hello. Who needs that? Tell me who's going and I'll see if I want to go. Why can't I know?

Exactly. And all of a sudden, then you're spending two and a half hours with a stranger. You've got nothing to say to them.

Exactly. I don't get it. I don't get it. So a couple of weeks ago, I was invited and I asked. I said I was going to be there.

And offense was taken.

Okay. And I didn't go.

Yeah. You know, I'm golden ruling it. Yeah, I'm not trying to trick people over to my house. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I'm golden ruling it. I'm doing unto them as I want them to do unto me.

The bar mitzvah is even worse than the wedding.

Anything to do with it. They're just intolerable, top and bottom.

Yeah.

For six months? I was going to fly to New York? Yes. I flew to New York to see yours. Who asked you to? I didn't tell you to do that. I would have dissuaded you. I would have said, are you nuts? I don't want you to come. That's what I would have told you. And you should have told me the same thing.

It was called Fish in the Dark.

Yeah. I don't know. It was the dumbest decision I've ever made in my life.

It was my fault. I'm the one who agreed to it. It was my fault. I didn't write it to be in it. Right. I got talked into it by the producer. Wow. Yeah. And you hated it. How long was that run? The first show was February 4th. The last show was June 9th in 2015. Wow. Wow. So 144 performances.

February, March, April, May.

You think that? Sorry. February, March, April, May. Four and a half.

He knows his number.

Oh.

Yeah.

It was boring. Doing the same stuff over night after night after night, I found it boring.

Okay, good. Did you... I did notice that the... Great question, though, Sean. Thanks. That... It becomes so rote and... No, there's no creativity at all after you do the first 10. Right. You're just doing the same thing over and over again.

Okay, I tried something new once.

And I got so thrown by it. Uh-oh. The whole system broke down and I forgot the next line.

Oh, no. I looked a different way. Instead of looking to the right, I looked to the left and all of a sudden it all went askew.

No, I realized where I was finally, but that was the last time I tried anything different. Yeah, exactly.

No, not really. No, nothing.

I do what everybody else does. I read, I watch TV. These guys don't read.

Romance novels? Yeah, you know, kind of fun. Do you read any spy novels?

I read a great book about the spies in England. I forgot the name of it. Sorry. I apologize. I'm so sorry. We'll be cutting this, right?

I probably read it.

You old softy. I thought that was real sweet. Yeah. Let's cut that too. Okay, great. Sweet Larry. Sweet Larry. Larry, listen. We don't want that out in the public.

Do you ever watch Shark Tank, by the way? It's a very good question.

I'd rather live without the internet, even without the air conditioning.

No, it's just true. I don't think so.

That's Enough. That's Enough. Yeah. I like that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's very good. Yeah. I'm looking, Sean, I'm really looking forward to people seeing you on Curb because you're fantastic in it.

We'll just do promo.

Hey, guys, this wasn't as awful as I thought it was going to be.

I see them out there. We're going to play together one day. I'm off until October.

Yeah, I don't even get invited to that. Is that true?

Don't you find it curious that I'm not invited to play in that pro-am?

What's your index?

Oh, you're not terrible. You're much better than I am. No, you're right around there, Larry.

This Bateman character.

Is that so? Where are you going?

What are you playing, a cop?

Well, you're very, very nice to say that. I wish I could take it in.

A little grin. A little thought bubble. All right, guys. See you. Thank you. Take care, pal.

Larry? Larry? Larry?

Hi, this is Larry David. I've been asked to say that I'm going to be on the show later. So I'm complying with that request. Yeah, welcome to, what is this? I don't even know what I'm on here. What is this?

But here's the sad part. By the way, the dog thing, I love when the dogs are out of the house. So I can have a meal.

And relax. That's what I'm saying. You can't eat with them. That's what I'm saying.

No, she started feeding them from the table. It's all her fault. I gave her a dirty look, but she did it.

I'm telling you, I take snacks into my bathroom. I do.

What do you mean?

Can we talk about Sean's appearance on Curb this year? Wow, it's going to get there. I haven't seen it yet.

Do you have notes? Be fucking real. Be honest. Be honest. I'm going to be as honest as I can. He was fantastic. I don't know about that. I'll bet he was just fine. No, fantastic. He played a lawyer, and you believe this guy was a lawyer. And he had to do a scene where he wakes up in the morning. It was like Gene Hackman from The French Connection. Oh, boy. Yeah.

The acting, the acting display of him getting up in the morning. Sure. You know, the whole deal. Yeah. I was like, I was, my mouth dropped. I was in awe of it.

I think it's the improvising. Actors really love to improvise.

Yes, not many, but there have been a few who really couldn't. Had a tough time.

It's only happened a couple of times in the show where... people were trying to be funny. And that's like the worst thing you can do.

Here's the note. Don't try to be funny. That's the note.

But it was out of character, yeah.

Before I ever do anything, any show ever, I always regret that I said yes. And I feel that way today.

No, I'm good about saying no.

I wanted to be a great stand-up. I wasn't, but I wanted to be one. And I really would have settled if you had told me in 1987 And you offered me $200 a week to do standup in New York at the clubs, $200 a week for the rest of your life. I would have taken it. Wow.

I had no hopes to do anything.

I know who the majority leader is, yes. If only you'd been in Times Square for us.

And he was like... Well, I'm from Brooklyn. Are you from Brooklyn? Yes. Are you from... No, I was just telling you about my life. I remember my life, yeah. You do remember your life.

I could be worse than Harry Reid. We'll see.

Already.

Can I lean back? Do you mind if I lean back? Does that bother you? It doesn't bother me at all. Do you feel comfortable? How about my foot up over here? I don't mind. Is that a problem?

Please. People are a little surprised by my athleticism when they see it, when I demonstrate it. For example... If we were playing basketball, I'd go like that. You wouldn't know what to do. You'd be stymied. I'd go around you so fast. You'd go, jeez, Larry David, he can play basketball.

Yes.

That's hard to mind, though, because your hands go in.

Can I tell you something? Yes. I'm a little concerned that I don't have the right sock length to do it. I'm going to try, and I want to, we'll just, let's look at the sock length. What color are the socks? Also an issue. It's a beigey, but the thing is, you can't show any skin at all on, you know, ever in life, right? When you cross your legs on a man, you can't do that. Let's see.

I've got the sock length, yeah. I've got the sock length, yeah.

It's very, very bourgeois. Wardrobe. I didn't pick it up. Is that true? Yes, wardrobe, yeah. Everything I'm wearing is wardrobe. In your life, you have a person that picks out your clothes? No, I steal it from the show. They buy it, and I take it home. What would you wear? This, this, wardrobe, wardrobe.

I could say that. Yes, I haven't.

I walk out of the house with this and I'll wear it all day. Yeah, you'll stay with it. I'll stay with it. You won't get a grass stain playing in the yard or anything. John, this is me. You're not talking to me, but you know something? I'm not talking to you. What? I'm not talking to you.

Can I do something now as only a friend would? Please. Your collar's up a little bit.

Look at that. It's very humbling. Who's the worst guest you ever had on this show? The worst. The worst, the absolute worst guest. I've been here 10 years. I want to give them a run for their money tonight. You think you could do that? I think I could try. I've had some bad guests.