Matt Rivera

Hey, everybody. My name is Matt. I've always struggled with my masculinity. I think it's because I like bubble baths, which is really confusing because now ice baths are cool. It's like, what, you get in a tub of ice, you're manly and you're stoic, but you had some soap and you're a pussy. I don't know how to treat people, man. I saw this homeless guy the other day and he asked me for money.

I opened my wallet, I only had $2, so I told him no. Then the next day I came back and he was dead. And when something like that happens, it really, like, fucks with you, but it teaches you to appreciate things in life. Like, I am so grateful I didn't give that guy any money. Because he's fucking dead now, and it's a tale as old as time.

You know what they say, a bird in the hand beats two in a dead homeless, guys. In a bush. I've been getting a little freakier in the bedroom. Recently, I had sex in the Amazon position. Yeah, it's pretty hot. It's when I'm on top and she's at her phone looking at throw pillows. All right, thank you guys.

I don't know. I was just, yeah. Were you surprised? I'm surprised that I'm here right now. What the fuck is a lightning round, dude?