Myra Strober
Appearances
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
The conventional wisdom is that love and money decisions are intertwined. That you make love decisions with your heart and money decisions with your head. And that's just not right.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Thank you, Mike.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
I think there are two reasons. One is that people don't make these decisions in a systematic way. That's the first reason. And the second reason is that people tend to see money and love decisions as separate. So money decisions concern money and love decisions concern love and never the twain shall meet.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
But in fact, most life's decisions, especially the big ones, are both love and money decisions.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
You certainly can't predict the future, but you can ask yourself when you make your decision, what are the likely consequences of this decision? What are the likely things that are going to happen? So for example, if you're considering moving to another city for a job and you have a family, you might think this is a money decision. The money is so much better in this new job.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
But in fact, it's a love decision too, because your family is involved. And if six months down the line, your daughter is depressed because she can't adjust to her new school, had you thought in advance, what are the likely consequences for my daughter of this decision? You might have predicted that she would have a difficult time. You might have taken some steps to ease that transition.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
And the situation might be a little bit better had you anticipated the consequences.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
No, I don't really think it's quite a crapshoot. Of course, you can't know everything. For instance, you can't know that the girl next door to where you moved is going to make life difficult for her. You couldn't know that. But you know your daughter. You know if she adjusts easily to new circumstances or not.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
you should have a conversation with your daughter about this move, unless she's under the age of five, and ask her, what is this going to be like for you? Are you looking forward to it? Are you concerned about it? What are you concerned about? And then you could take steps to try to mitigate the effects of this for her.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
I think that may be true, but we have a very flexible five-step framework for making these decisions. What the hope is, is that after you've taken these five steps, you have convinced yourself that this is the best decision that you can make given whatever circumstances you're facing.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
So, you know, you might be taking a walk in the beautiful woods and think about what might have happened, you know, had your parents been born millionaires. But you need to deal with reality and you need to convince yourself, and I think our framework helps you do that, that this is the best decision that you could make given what you knew at the time.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Well, the first one is clarify. Clarify for yourself what it is that you want, what's important to you, and what's important to you, not to your parents or your spouse or somebody else in your life. Try to figure out what you really care about. And then the second step is communication. Then you need to communicate that to whoever else is in your life making these decisions with you.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
And as you communicate and you listen to the other person's hopes and dreams, you may revise your own. You may start thinking about some issues that you hadn't thought about before. So first clarify and then communicate. And then you need to consider a broad range of choices. So let's go back to the moving decision. You've been offered a job in another city.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Your family agrees that you need more money. It's a good career step for you. And you have already clarified that your career is important to you.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
but what are the other possible choices have you looked around in the same city where you are at other possible jobs or did this this new job possibility come out of the blue and it seems so attractive and you're going to take it so unless you convince yourself that in order to get what it is you're looking for you must move um you may well be sorry later on because you didn't do uh the kind of
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Seeking, that would give you a broader range of choices. The fourth step is check in. So it's the five C's framework. These all start with C's. Clarify, communicate, consider a broad range of choices, and now check in. So you want to check in with family and friends and other people whom you admire and ask them, have they faced these kinds of decisions? What did they do?
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
How did it turn out for them? Share your thought process with them. I'm doing this because I want more money. I'm doing this because I think my career will be furthered by this. Ask them about family ramifications of decisions that they may have made. And the last step is what I talked about before, explore the likely consequences.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
And you need to explore the consequences both short-term and long-term. So let's go back to the daughter who is not happy in the new environment. Maybe she's not happy six months after you move, but maybe she's in a school that's far better than the one that she left. And three years from now, she'll realize that this was a really good move because her school life and her education
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
is far better than it would have been. So, you know, there are short-term consequences and longer-term consequences.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
I taught a course at the Stanford Business School and also in the undergraduate part of the university for more than 40 years on the topic of work and family. And so over that time, I've had thousands of students who write back to me and say, I mean, not all thousands write back, but many of them write back and say,
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Thinking about these issues when I was in your course has really helped me down the line. I feel that I have better decisions. I feel that this helps me when I have a big decision to make. I think about the class. And in fact, my co-author, Abby Davison, was a student in that class. And the man who took the class with her is now her husband.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
So they have used this framework for their entire marriage, and now they have two young children. And the anecdotal evidence is that people feel helped by this framework and this way of deciding.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Well, I think they haven't really gone through steps one and two. They have not clarified for themselves what it is they want. Most of us are stuck for life with, you know, our parents' voices in our heads and our parents' for the most part, not all parents, but our parents pretty much told us what they want for us.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
And somewhere along the line of reaching an adult, we need to put our parents' voices in the background, develop our own voices, and make decisions based on our own voices. But I think lots of people still are not making decisions that are going to benefit them as much as might be the case. And the second place they go wrong is in communication.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
So a lot of these decisions are fraught because couples are in different places in their lives and they haven't taken the time to come together and figure out what it is they can both agree upon. And I think a lot of these fraught decisions come when couples have other issues underlying this particular decision.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Right. And so think about somebody deciding to apply to medical school. Their whole life up to that point, their parents have said, you know, this would be a good career for you. Their older brother is already in that career. And so they talk to their older brother and their older brother says, you know, this is just a wonderful career. I just love it. medicine. I love being a doctor.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Well, the next step is to talk to some other people who don't like being a doctor or who thought they might and decided otherwise. You know, if you stack the deck toward a certain decision, you don't really have enough input to figure out if this is the right decision for you.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Yes, I think that's right. And that's why, you know, you may need help figuring out what you need. But yes, confirmation bias could be a real problem. You do want to talk to some people who have a different perspective and see what you think about that.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
True enough. I mean, you know, there's an old Yiddish saying that man plans and God laughs. Because planning only gets you so far. There are things that happen that nobody anticipated. Nonetheless, if you don't plan, you're certainly not going to get what you want. So yes, you have to have course corrections. And you and your spouse need, or your partner, need good communication.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
So when this new curveball comes onto the field, you have somebody to talk to about it. And, you know, OK, what are we going to do next? And it's we even though it's a job decision, it involves love and involves your family. And, you know, they need to be supportive of you and they need to know what they want.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Yes. That's what I have learned over the years is that people tend to do that. And you know, it's rare that a decision this big has to be made certainly within 24 hours or maybe even within a week. And, um,
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
People need to take the time to go through our process, to check in with other people whom they admire and make sure they check in with people who have a different perspective than theirs and take the time to make these decisions. Take the decision, who am I going to marry? Certainly, you have to make that decision in part with your gut.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
I mean, you don't want to marry someone, never mind marry, but live with them, be a partner with them. It doesn't matter whether marriage is involved particularly or not. But is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Well, that is surely a biggie. And you want your gut to be involved, but you want your head to be involved too.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
And you want to think about the financial implications of this decision. And making that decision solely with your gut is not going to necessarily work out.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
You know, Daniel Kahneman talks about system one thinking and system two thinking. System one, you make the decision with your gut and you move on. System two is more like the framework we are proposing. And you need to make these very big love money decisions using system two thinking. And particularly I think our framework is helpful. The second thing is that love and money decisions
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
are intertwined. The conventional wisdom is that you make love decisions with your heart and money decisions with your head, and that's just not right. Even when you're deciding how to invest your portfolio, you might think that that is only a financial decision, but it isn't.
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
because the question now is what do you want what do you want this money to do for you to whom do you want to leave the money if there's money left over at the end and why and what are their needs so there are no purely financial decisions and no purely love decisions they're all intertwined
Something You Should Know
Eleven Inventions That Changed the World & The Right Way to Make Love and Money Decisions - SYSK Choice
Thanks, Mike.