Riley Keough

Well, I think that I just sort of perceived them that way. And I think that there was just this environment that was like, especially in the 90s, it was very like... My mom was... They were very like anti-establishment, kind of like very not wanting to follow the rules. Told me like I didn't have to go to school. You know, it was very like... kind of anarchy, you know, was the vibe in my house.

And both my parents were kind of, though my dad is actually very sensitive and quite soft. And so was my mom was extremely sensitive. She just, you know, was very at a strength to her that was sort of unshakable. My dad was more of a softer, though he was very sort of wild and charismatic and all these things. He was quite like sensitive and fragile.

And I think that I got, and my brother as well, got more of that than my mom's sort of... That's not true. I think we both have had her strength as well, but... I think that he was, I definitely can see more of my demeanor in my father. But we always felt very close, the four of us. Like I didn't feel like I was different or anything.

I actually felt really quite similar to my brother and to my parents. But I think that as I got older and into my 20s, like when I was younger, we would all hang out or party together in my early 20s or do these things.

get very drunk on the holidays like that was very normal but then into my later in my 20s it became you know my brother's drinking was it just there there was just something about it that just felt darker I would say yeah you know in in sort of my mid-20s and where it was like not like just a fun party night, you know?

And I think in those moments, I sort of became more of like, took the role of like this sort of narc, I guess, like I was, you know? And then as their addictions progressed, I very much was like the one who People didn't tell things to, you know, which I was kind of OK with because in the moment I felt like I'm doing the right thing. I'm being responsible.

But I would always get the feedback of like, you're not an addict. You don't understand, which I tried to take on a lot. But I think the way I felt was. If I don't do everything in my power to drag you out of there and do all these things and put you here, then I'm not going to be able to live with myself. So I have to.

And so I think a lot of my life and my 20s were spent resisting what was and enforcing things. And I kind of didn't understand the point of it. I was like, why am I in this life where everyone around me is just like, trying to take themselves out, essentially. And there's nothing I can do. Like, what is the lesson in that for me, you know? Which I still haven't figured out, but... Damn it.

I thought you were about to tell us. But what I do know is that I was forced to surrender because they died, you know? And I felt like I was... holding on for dear life or waiting to get punched in the face and doing everything I could to not have this thing happen. And then it happened twice, you know? And so the only thing I know is that by the time my mom was about to pass away in the hospital,

I was really surrendered in that moment in a way that felt really liberating. And I truly felt like I was, you know, there's a moment where she was in the hospital and I didn't know if she was going to make it and I was on an airplane. And I kind of in my mind was saying, like, you know, do whatever you want to do. You can go if you need to go, kind of a thing.

there was no part of me that was like, come on, you know, hold on, just hold on till I land, you know? And that was a big deal for me for, for how resistant I had been for so much of my, my life with these things. But it could be that, that I was, I don't know, had so much of that sort of lesson that I did get to a place where I did feel surrender in a pretty sort of

And that's another thing I really saw clearly when writing the book and also having my own child. She totally, and my father too, my father, his dad left when he was two and he kind of left the house early and didn't have a really nurturing home. They both shared that experience.

And both of them were incredibly loving to the point where my brother and I would often talk about how lucky we were as adults. And so I don't know where that came from. You know, I don't know if she was born with that.

instinct but it was so strong that I find myself going I hope that I can make my child feel like half as loved as my mother made us feel you know which considering where you know her her sort of story it is pretty incredible talk to us about the loss of Ben and what that did for you and her

So I think the hardest thing about writing a book about real people is that you can't describe a full human on the page. And I would spend just hours going back and talking to my husband and my dad going like, how do I describe Ben? How do I describe my mom? And to me, and this is probably a very human experience, like they felt so unique and so special.

So I think there's like words that I use to describe him, you know, like he was so kind and sweet and sensitive and funny and hilarious and all of these things. But he, to me, just felt like, just like an angel kind of, you know, and so special. You know, one of the things that

I really felt, and this could also be a shared experience with many people, is I really felt this feeling of like there was a mistake made. He shouldn't be gone. And I think that that just speaks to the closeness probably and the relationship and the uniqueness of like all individuals. But it's hard to describe him. He was incredible, like a really, you know how a lot of boys are very sort of

like wild and rambunctious when they're young. He was very soft and like sensitive and sweet and had this beautiful curly blonde hair and was kind of wild and loved to be in the garden and plant and very thoughtful. And that sort of was his essence, I think. When I think of him and when I went to speak at his service, or I didn't speak, I wrote something, he really kept the essence of

him as a child through his life, which is also, was also a really beautiful thing.

Yeah. I think. Kept that fire. Totally. And so he was just the funny, like very funny and quick, smart, intelligent, kind of one of those people who would retain all information. If you're, if you were like, what is that kind of tree? He'd be like, Oh, that's a, you know, this thing, or, or, you know, where does this tree, I don't know. He was just new.