Sharon Ruth Hensley

Good evening, Kill Tony people. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I am deeply disappointed that I have aged out of being a sugar baby. Had I known all the ways life was not going to work out for me, I'd have been cool with being kept. Now, all the men who can afford me want teenagers, which is super stupid. I passed the Perry part of menopause a while ago. You're not going to knock me up.

I can't sue you for child support. I will understand your 80s references because I was alive then. But that's okay. Keep playing in the kiddie pool. Did y'all know there's a bunch of dudes out there paying big bucks for sweaty socks? I wear a nine and a half and have hyperhidrosis. Someone should have told me sooner. I'm going to be able to keep myself. Thank you.

I'm from Texas, so I'm a carnivore.

I refer to it as the cesspool. Y'all know it as San Antonio.

I can kill my own deer and hang it up and gut it and skin it and cook all the good parts.

My uncle was a career Marine scout sniper and he trained me on a ranch in Fredericksburg.

Um, I'm probably one of the few people that you know that has shot somebody.

No, um, Bear County Jail let a prisoner out on work release and didn't bother to check to see if he had a job. So he took a VIA bus to my house and cut my phone on electricity and got himself shot.

He specifically told me it was so I couldn't call for help.

No, I'm old, so it was before I had a cell phone.

Well, no, he was outside trying to get in.

Banging on the door, and the front doorknob had been broken off.

At first, yeah.

I guess so the cops didn't get there before he could get in.

I'm not sure what the time frame on which particular criminal activity.

Well, I was trained, one, be prepared. Two, if you have the gun out, you have to use it. Three, if you use it, you empty it.

No, I mean.

Just because I'm.

357 with hollow points.

Well, the sad thing is... He was white. Oh, the dude was a marathon runner. Dude was a what? He was a marathon runner, so he was really muscular, but he was really thin, so the bullets just went straight in and out. They didn't have a time to expand. Hilarious.

No, he's very Mexican.

I tried.

I am hungry. Yeah.

Three.

Neck, chest, shoulder.

Neck, chest, and shoulder. The shoulder was my off shot.

They went into the floor and the wall behind them.

He was in the hospital for a month because when I hit the shoulder, that's actually what almost killed him. I hit an artery. Nice. And he had to have several surgeries, and he still doesn't have full use of his arm, which he blames on me, so he's been looking to kill me since then. Oh.

I enabled him to collect a check from the government for the rest of his life.

No, he actually is from here.

I would appreciate that.

Pretty much. Yeah. The first time I did a show, they wanted to promote it and I was so used to being in hiding. Like I talked to my therapist and I was like, what do you think I should do? Like if I'm going to be in this and take it seriously, I'm going to have to promote. What do I do? And she goes, I don't think you're ever going to feel safe anywhere.

So I told the promoter, I was like, go ahead. And then I told them, I was like, well, you know what? If he's going to kill me, he's going to have to make a big show of it. You know, like I'm real good at seeing if somebody's tailing me or anything.

We talked about it, like, the first time I signed up for an open mic, I put TBD, like, to be determined, and I was like, say TBD, like, it's foreign.

And people thought it was really cute, they wanted me to keep it, but then I was like, I'm also a writer, and I've already been published under Sharon Ruth Hensley, and everybody was like, just for professional purposes, you just need to streamline it and have both.

I travel too much.

No.

My last dog was a Rottweiler German Shepherd mix.

Are you circumcised?

I prefer uncircumcised because they're really good at doing my favorite-est thing ever. Like an excellent... Favorite what? My favorite-est thing ever. An excellent impersonation of those tubes filled with water and glitter and stuff, you know? Like, now you see it. Now you don't. Now you see it. Oh, favorite-est.

Yeah.

I love an uncircumcised penis.

I know, like, my whole life, people are always like, where are you from? They always think I'm from up north.

I don't know what happened.

No.

But I do love wrestling.

I never said I was sporty.

Find me on Facebook, seriously.