What the Hector

I freaking love wrestling so much. How about you guys? I love wrestling so much, my parents thought I was going to be gay growing up. Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking Raw, you know, freaking Undertaker, Stone Cold, all teabagging me above my bag. Like, when are you going to get a poster of a woman, son? So I got a poster of that one wrestler, y'all remember Chyna?

Hell yeah, like, you like that shit, dad? I guess it'll do, son. You got to support your artist, guys. Not very many people know Chyna did porno. She had the most muscular fleshlight on the market. Get your penis in a chokehold. Extra large clitoris. You got to freaking finger wrestle her to turn her on and shit. Sometimes she don't want to turn on.

My favorite, though, was wrestling on the trampoline with my little brother. And my favorite was The Undertaker because I'm dead inside, too. chokeslamming my little brother, and I would do the tombstone. Y'all remember the tombstone? It's pretty much a tombstone, a 69 standing up. But we're on the trampoline, I'm all, hell yeah, wrestling's badass.

Dad comes out, he's like, what the hell's going on? Finish him, the neighbors are watching, thank you.

I was like, holy shit.

I was like, should I run the bell like two seconds and have him come out again?

Hector, how long you been doing stand-up? About nine, ten years going now.

Where at? Mostly in Phoenix. I'm from West Texas, though. Pecos, Texas.

We just had a big train wreck last week. I don't know if y'all saw the Union Pacific hit a big old truck and all the train derailed. Wow. Like Stranger Things.

Recently just happened, man. I live in my RV and I moved it back to Pecos where I work with my dad. I parked it in the back of the shop working from home, you know, and fucking, uh,

I left it unlocked, man, because I had some cats in there watching out in case rats get in there.

In the RV, because I'm not there a lot, you know, so... And you pulled your RV to the house that you live in? No, I park it at the shop that I work at. Uh-huh. So I'm working from home, you know, just get up out of bed.

Yeah. So you... No, and I didn't get to tell you, so we came home, and I was going to check on them before we left, and I found a bald-headed white lady in there, all drugged out, naked. She had tore up the whole place and drawn all over the walls. I was like, what the hell is going on here? I didn't want to call the cops because we were late to a show, but I had to, man. I had to do it.

It looked weird. I'm lucky that one of my friends was with me. She's a girl because it would have looked weird that, you know, just some weird random girl. She wouldn't talk or nothing. I don't know. I'm trying to find her. If you're out there listening...

He did all the paperwork.

What does the paperwork look like? No, he talks really good English, too. He's one of those code talk. He could change his voice, like, to a white guy. He could change it to a Mexican dude. Okay. I haven't heard his black voice, so I'm pretty sure he has one.

What do you do for fun, Hector? For fun, let's see, I smoke a lot of reefer. Where y'all at? And then forget everything else I was going to do, right?

It's pretty, pretty hard, man. That's why I was mad she was in there. I was like, well, you're getting pussy in here and I ain't getting it because it smelled like pussy. I was like, you're in there. Either she was getting ran through or she was running a brothel out of my place. I was like, who's getting more pussy in here than I am? What the fuck?

When she was in there, that crazy bald-headed white bitch from Stranger Things, the train crashed and all of a sudden she appeared. Eleven. Eleven.

I was like, damn, they shave your head? What's wrong with you?

Uh, yeah, you know, for weed. Texas being illegal and all, you get in trouble for weed a lot. Uh-huh. All right.

They ran out of joke books. I was like, man, did I do good or bad? I didn't even know and shit.