if i had a dollar for every time I got so angry that i threw my phone at the wall and shattered it, i would have two dollars. i’m not an angry person, so it’s extra disturbing when i have some sort of outburst. it's like a wake up call. but i’ve learned so much from these meltdowns, and maybe you can learn something too. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What led to my meltdowns?
If I had a dollar for every time I got so angry that I threw my phone at the wall and shattered it, I would have $2. And that's not a lot, okay? But it's more than you would expect. Because I'm not an angry person. I don't raise my voice at people very often. I don't break things very often. I'm pretty chill overall. And don't get me wrong, I have a lot of unfavorable traits.
And that's a topic for another day. But I'm not an angry person. I'm just not. I actually take pride in the fact that I'm really good at controlling my negative emotions. If I'm in a heated debate with someone, it's pretty easy for me to keep my tone at a respectable level. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't get road rage.
I might cuss a little bit under my breath because I'm startled, but once it's all said and done, I'm just grateful that nobody got hurt. I'm just not an angry person. I have other issues. But because I'm not an angry person, it's extra disturbing when I have some sort of angry outburst because it's so out of character. It has not happened many times.
I've only gotten angry to the point of breaking things twice. And for some odd reason, both times I broke my phone. I've tried to break other things, but never successfully. And it's only when you break something successfully that you realize how angry you truly are. To throw something and it not break is to just let off some steam and then move forward.
To throw something so hard or punch something so hard that you break it is to then have a wake-up call. You're like, holy fuck, I really, wow, I just broke something. But what I'm here to discuss today is not how mortifying it is that I have gotten angry to the point of throwing my phone at the wall and breaking it twice.
Instead, I'm choosing to look at these two very distinct meltdowns in my life from a positive lens. Because the truth is, even though I'm not proud of these two moments of my life, I've learned so much from them. I was shown so much from these two moments. And maybe you can learn something too.
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Chapter 2: How do meltdowns reflect our emotional state?
Now, listen, I have had far more mental breakdowns than these two, but I think these two stand out in my brain because they were extreme in a way that differs from my other mental breakdowns. Like both of these two mental breakdowns, I think, were very much rock bottom for me. It was like the accumulation of 50 mental breakdowns beforehand that then led to this massive one.
where I became somebody I don't recognize. And I think that that's why they're so potent and filled with things to discuss because they were filled with, you know, months and months and months of pain in a way. They were a breaking point. So let me take you back to when I was 17 years old and I got into my first romantic relationship. It was very exciting for me.
It was also something that I never thought would work out for me. I was always really insecure about what I provide as a woman. Not to get so deep with it all of a sudden, but I've always been somebody who maybe was a bit more humorous. Like, I think my dominant personality trait growing up was humor and silliness, not femininity. I didn't have a super stereotypically feminine body.
I went through puberty late, so I didn't have curves. I didn't have boobs. I didn't have butt. That came later. And so I was always very insecure about myself as a woman. And so it was a huge accomplishment for me to be accepted by a boy and not just any boy. This was a boy that I had had a crush on for a very long time. And he did not like me at first, but eventually he did.
And we dated and it was this magical thing. It was like doing the impossible times too. Dating this guy that I had liked for a really long time and he disproving the idea that I was not attractive to guys because I didn't have a feminine enough personality and body and whatever. So this was really good for me in the beginning. And, you know, the relationship lasted for... About nine months.
I won't get into the details. It had its highs. It had its lows. It was not all sunshine and rainbows, but it also wasn't all negative. There were some really great moments there. We ultimately ended up breaking up after nine months. Now, I know what you're thinking. Emma, that's a very short relationship. Yeah, no. That relationship seemed like a lifetime to me. Because everything was so new.
When things are new, psychologically, time moves slower. And when I tell you, I thought I was going, warning, I'm about to get a big graphic here. I thought when we broke up, I was going to die. I was like, I don't know how I can survive this breakup. I don't know how I can survive this feeling. I had never felt that level of loss. I know what a lot of you are thinking.
Lucky you, you fucking bitch. Like your first breakup was like the saddest you've been. And yes, it was. And I know that that's awesome. Like that's lucky, you know, because no one died. Everyone was fucking fine. But for whatever reason, that breakup, I was beside myself because number one, they helped give me a sense of self in a weird way.
They made me feel confident in areas that I had felt insecure my entire life. So I was losing that by losing them. It was sort of reconfirming the suspicions that I had before, like that I was not, you know, a worthy girlfriend, which again, I know is toxic and blah, blah, blah, but it doesn't matter because that's what I thought at the time.
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Chapter 3: What can I learn from my first romantic relationship?
This is how the first love goes. Unless you marry your first love or you just don't care about dating. I don't know. But like this is a very common occurrence. The first love is always the deepest. yeah, it sucks. It sucks. Cause when you lose it, you're, you're destroyed for months and months and months. And I was.
So after that breakup, I was just a wreck, sobbing, sobbing, not sure how I was going to survive. Literally feeling like he had died. I felt like I died. I felt like everything, it felt like death. It was very odd. And breakups after that did not feel that way. It was very weird. It But I'm saying this to portray to you how fucking heartbroken and sad I was.
I mean, I did not stop crying for multiple, for like probably two weeks, okay? It was really fucked up. It was bad. It was really bad for me. And, you know, for three months after we broke up, I pretty much just spent that entire time in bed watching Jersey Shore and then occasionally going to a SoulCycle spin class, which honestly, I thank SoulCycle for helping me get through that breakup.
Having like a workout class to go to, that was so healthy for me. Anyway, but then at a certain point, I was like, you know what? I need to try to get him back. And so I did. I started talking to him again. We started hanging out as friends again. And it was not a super healthy situation because he did not want to date me again.
You know, he was pretty clear like, yeah, you know, like I still would hook up or whatever, but I'm not committing to anyone right now. I don't want to date anyone right now. I'm not going to be exclusive with anyone right now. And that did not work for me.
I was like, well, okay, I guess we just have to be friends then because I cannot emotionally hook up with you, be physical with you, knowing that you're with other people. I can't do that. I just can't psychologically do that. It's too painful for me. But then we'd end up hooking up on accident. not even on accident, but it would just happen.
Like we'd been, we'd dated, we liked each other like before and we had physical chemistry to an extent. So it was like very hard to not do that. Like it would just happen because we were hanging out as friends and then it would just be like, oh, maybe you could sleep over. It just was a fucking mess. So we kept hooking up with each other and then we would do that a few times.
And then I would find out that he's hooking up with somebody else too. And I'd get really upset. And then he'd be like, well, I don't know what we can do. I guess we need to stop. Then we'd stop for a little bit. And then I'd be so sad and want to get back together with him even more because it was like whatever. And then we'd hook up again on accident.
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Chapter 4: Why are breakups so painful?
And then eventually he was like, you know what? I'm ready to be exclusive again. I was jumping for joy. Okay. Jumping for joy. I was so excited. He said it one night, like casually, randomly to me. And I was like, oh my God, I'm back. He was like, I don't want to date, but I want to be exclusive. I was like, okay, whatever the fuck that means. And then he kind of stopped talking to me.
Like literally the next day, he just kind of stopped talking to me. I was like, what? We were, what? We're exclusive again, I thought. What's happening? He's like not responding to my texts. He like doesn't want to hang out. I'm like, this is so odd. Like what's happening? And I was like, it's fine. So I let it go for a few days. But then I was like, this is weird. Like what is going on?
Something's off. Finally got him on the phone and I was like, what's going on? And he's like, I don't want to be exclusive. I was heartbroken. I had thought, I was like, why the fuck would you say that? You're throwing my emotions around. We go back and forth. I rip him a new one and I hang up on him. I get so fucking pissed that I hang up on him. and we don't talk again for multiple weeks.
I'm sort of in mental turmoil. I'm like, I don't know. I'm missing him so much, but I'm also so mad at him. I couldn't figure out how I felt. And up until this point, I'd never gotten angry to the point of throwing my phone or punching a wall or doing anything. I had kept it cool, but I had put myself in an incredibly emotionally turbulent situation.
On top of coming out of an emotionally turbulent situation, like I had just come out of my breakup. I was in a very vulnerable state of mind from the relationship itself, but then also from the breakup. It was like I was weak times 10. Then I put myself in like a psychological blender by trying to get back together with him when he wasn't fully sold on it.
And now I hung up on him and haven't talked to him since. I'm hanging on by a thread, you know, like all of that stuff. I had kept it together. I'd cried a lot. I'd been sad. I'd, you know, but I had kept it together. Then he texts me, hey, and I'm faced with one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. And listen, I know that sounds really fucking stupid.
But for some reason, the psychological grasp that this man had on my brain should be studied in textbooks because I was, I've never felt that way about a guy again. And for the better. He fully had his fingers in between every single fold of my fucking brain. getting rid of him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
And again, I know that sounds stupid because there are a lot of way worse psychological challenges that a human can deal with for fuck's sake. I know it sounds stupid, but this is my experience. I have to just share it with you. This is the story I'm telling today for better or for worse. And I think a lot of you can probably relate.
There's something about romantic feelings, lust, love, all of these things that is just dangerously powerful. Anyway, he texts me, hey, and I'm faced with a very, very challenging decision. Am I going to respond to him and reopen this wound that was finally healing or am I going to ignore it and move on from him?
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Chapter 5: How did my second meltdown occur?
And subconsciously, I think it became clear to me, if this was my soulmate, if this was who I was really supposed to be with, I don't think it would be leading me to this point. Do romantic relationships have their ups and downs and challenges? Absolutely. But would I be reaching this point? I don't think so. Without even fully analyzing the meltdown that I had at the time,
I still gathered from that experience that something fundamental in my life needed to change. I needed to break that cycle. It was really unhealthy for the both of us, but especially for me, especially for me. And I am so grateful that I had that meltdown because if I had not, I don't know that I would have broken the cycle and I would have wasted God knows how many more years on this guy.
And that's what this meltdown did for me. I had to turn into a monster in order to break it. And now, hindsight being 20-20, I've taken that experience of getting to my breaking point and used it as a reminder of how hard it can be to make the right choice, but how rewarding it can be down the line. Because very quickly after I made the decision to not respond, my life improved exponentially.
And it became very clear to me very quickly that I made the right decision. But there's so much value in making a really hard decision that is ultimately the right one because it teaches you about delayed gratification. It teaches you about why we make the hard choices sometimes to better ourselves and our lives.
So, you know, I was really grateful for that outburst, even though I was a bit ashamed of it as well. I look back on that outburst positively. But then it happened again yesterday. I had another meltdown where I threw my phone at the wall and shattered it. So now this has happened twice in my life. Granted, four or five years apart, but it has now happened twice.
Let me tell you what happened this time, okay? This happened literally yesterday. Ironically, it has to do with recording podcasts, what I'm doing right now. So for a while now, I have developed this unusual pattern of pressing record on my recording device, on my podcast recording device, and beginning to say the intro, okay? Which my intro for my podcast varies depending on the episode.
I don't have like a set intro like, hey, it's me, Emma, the host of Anything Goes. Welcome back. Today we're talking about this. My intro is... very spur-of-the-moment random, and it tends to just come out, okay? So, oh yeah, today I said, if I had a dollar for every time I got so angry that I threw my phone at the wall and shattered it, I would have two dollars.
That's something that just came to my head when I started recording. So my intros are very like, they're kind of spur-of-the-moment. So I've gotten into this weird habit of pressing record, saying my intro, and then feeling like it wasn't right, pressing stop. Being like, eh, I could have said it better. Let me try again. So I'll take that same intro that I just said and I'll keep it in my brain.
Press start on the recorder. Say it again. Ah, that didn't quite feel right. Stop. Fuck, cut that again. I'll press record. Say the exact same thing, maybe slightly different. That didn't feel right. Stop. Press start again. Try again. That one wasn't right either. Stop. Press start again. I stutter this time. Stop. Start again. I stutter again. Stop. Start again. Say it right this time, but...
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Chapter 6: What does throwing my phone represent?
That's what the mental health conversation has become. And it's very harmful. And I think I'm somebody who's good media literacy, right? I can tell when things are real, fake, reliable, not reliable. But even I subconsciously absorb information And it's out of my control, okay?
So for a period of time, I was on mental health TikTok where every other TikTok was diagnosing me with some sort of mental disorder, some sort of psychological disorder, whatever. And it's just irresponsible and it's dangerous and it's false information and it's fear-mongering and it's all these other things. But I was on that section of the internet for a while.
It seeped into my subconscious in a way where... To me, when I analyze my own behavior, this reoccurring issue of me re-recording my intro over and over again, I can't help but diagnose myself with a slew of things, right? Now, I've never been professionally diagnosed with anything because as far as I know, I don't have anything going on.
And from probably an hour to two hours after this event, I was overcome with fear and confusion around what's wrong with me. But I talked to my loved ones and they were the ones to remind me there could be something wrong, you know, something bigger going on. If that's the case, we'll figure that out. However, it's normal to have outbursts every once in a while.
Like, yeah, if you're having a major outburst every week, that's something to probably pay closer attention to or, you know, maybe treat that sort of differently. But if you're having a large outburst once every four years, it That is very different. This is a very unusual situation. Don't look at what's wrong with you. Look at what caused it. How did you get to this point? Why are you here?
And it was very hard for me to see from that lens. But once I allowed myself to look at this situation through that lens and not just immediately write it off as like me being mentally unstable or something, I it became very clear to me immediately what is going on. This sort of outburst, it was long overdue. What triggered this outburst was me re-recording my intro over and over and over again.
Not just yesterday, but for years. Now, it took me a little bit to figure out, like, okay, so I'm re-recording this intro over and over again. I've never really stopped and asked myself why I'm doing that. What is the root of that weird habit? And it took me a little bit to figure out, but once it clicked, just like everything made sense.
A few years ago, there was sort of a shift on the internet where cancel culture sort of began, okay, right? Now, listen. What I'm about to say is not me saying that I'm like a victim of cancel culture. That is not what I'm saying. But I'm just simply telling you how cancel culture on the internet has impacted my brain very, very deeply.
cancel culture on the internet has sort of scarred me in a way. Not even necessarily through things happening to me, but seeing things happen to others. The culture on the internet has become very much of like, there is no room to make mistakes. It is very hard to gain forgiveness.
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Chapter 7: How do I cope with perfectionism in my work?
But either way, there are times when people get canceled for stuff that's either not true or, you know, maybe it wasn't their fault or, you know, maybe it's like not a great thing that they did, but it's like, you know, arguably sort of like forgivable. Like they're like, oh my God, I'm... I don't know. It's complicated.
But either way, the existence of cancel culture has really fucked with my head. I'm very afraid of it. What I'm more afraid of than anything is an accident. Me saying something on accident and it being taken out of context and used against me. People getting their feelings hurt by me saying something or what, like, I don't want to hurt people. I don't want people to be disappointed in me.
I don't want people to have supported me and then feel like, oh my God, she does not align with my morals and values. I have regrets about supporting her. I like, this feels icky to me. Like, there's a lot of things about it that cause me a lot of stress and anxiety constantly. I want to be a good person. I want to have a net positive effect constantly. on the world.
And what I've noticed with sort of cancel culture is at times you can be blamed for doing things like that, or you can be told that you are doing things like that when maybe you didn't or it was an accident. So it's like, I'm not afraid of being canceled for genuinely doing something wrong. Listen, if I do something wrong, like genuinely wrong, I would fucking hope people would hold me accountable.
Absolutely. So I'm not afraid of that as much as I'm afraid of it happening on accident. And it can, and it does. And because of that, I've developed this level of really extreme perfectionism in my life. And I've struggled with it for many years in every single category of my life. And honestly, it's a great thing in a lot of ways, and it's a horrible thing in a lot of ways, right?
But I don't want to make any mistakes. But see, here's the problem. You can't control when you do something on accident. That's what makes it a fucking accident. So I have a lot of sort of anxiety and like obsessiveness around my podcast, for example, because... This is a medium where I talk for a long period of time.
And the more you say, the higher the chances are that you're saying something that could be taken out of context or used against you or whatever. And I've sort of developed this irrational fear of... being wrongfully attacked, I guess.
I think one of the ways that it's presented itself is through me re-recording the intro a hundred times, not feeling confident in it, being afraid, being afraid to keep going. I have like a mental block. It reminds me of when I was a cheerleader and I would tumble, right? Like I do round off back handspring tuck, round off back handspring layup.
And when you tumble and do those flips and stuff, you can get hurt. You might run wrong when doing a round off back handspring and kind of trip a little bit and then roll your ankle. And then the next time you go to do it, three months later when you heal your ankle, you might be afraid to do it because the last time you did it, you rolled your ankle.
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Chapter 8: What insights have I gained from my experiences?
It's not like, oh, now all of a sudden I'm going to speak freely. It's like, no, I was speaking freely before just with like crippling anxiety attached and it took me fucking 30 tries to get there, to get the courage to just talk. It's all internal. And so the point of this episode is not about cancel culture. It's not about getting out of a shitty relationship.
It's about the importance of the occasional meltdown. I've realized my most severe meltdowns are like my subconscious saying, pay attention. There's something deeply, deeply wrong. And the two examples today were the two times that I threw my phone at the wall and chattered it.
But there's been other times in my life where I've had really severe meltdowns that looked a little bit different than these two. But when I look at those two, listen, if I told a story about every single meltdown I've ever had, we would be here all day, baby. And we don't have time for that.
OK, so that's why I just use the two about me throwing the phone to just fucking narrow it down somehow, because there's been a lot of them. But the truth is, every meltdown I've had has forced me to take a look at fundamental issues in my life. These meltdowns have given me wake-up calls that I don't know if I could have had otherwise.
And my point of all this is, again, we should not be ashamed of our occasional meltdown. As much as, you know, the internet and society has come a long way when it comes to mental health awareness and education and all of these things, there is still this weird pressure to, like, keep it together.
I still feel it because if you read the comments under a video of somebody talking about their mental breakdown, it's not going to be all positive, supportive comments. You're going to see comments like, why are you talking about this? This is too personal. You should go see a psychologist. You're clearly very mentally ill. You're a full-grown adult. Like, you shouldn't be crying like a baby.
Like, you're still going to see negative comments. Now, whether or not those are valid or rooted in, like, constructive criticism or not, like, okay, whatever. But there is still this sort of pressure to like keep your shit together or like have a graceful meltdown where you're like beautifully crying in your bed and the light is shining beautifully through the window under your tear.
Like, no, we can feel ashamed and frustrated by our meltdowns. But I really do believe that we should not. They're helpful messages from our souls to get spiritual with it, telling us we need to make a positive shift in our lifestyle. We need to address the stuff that we've been shoving down. We need to go get help from professionals, whatever it may be.
Something needs attention immediately, and it's going to be really, really rewarding when the attention is given. Pay attention to your mental breakdown. It didn't just happen for no reason. You're not just broken and losing it. It's like, no, there's something going on that needs addressing. Let it be a moment of almost empowerment.
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