what my meltdowns have shown me
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What led to my meltdowns?
If I had a dollar for every time I got so angry that I threw my phone at the wall and shattered it, I would have $2. And that's not a lot, okay? But it's more than you would expect. Because I'm not an angry person. I don't raise my voice at people very often. I don't break things very often. I'm pretty chill overall. And don't get me wrong, I have a lot of unfavorable traits. And that's a topic for another day. But I'm not an angry person. I'm just not. I actually take pride in the fact that I'm really good at controlling my negative emotions. If I'm in a heated debate with someone, it's pretty easy for me to keep my tone at a respectable level. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't get road rage.
I might cuss a little bit under my breath because I'm startled, but once it's all said and done, I'm just grateful that nobody got hurt. I'm just not an angry person. I have other issues. But because I'm not an angry person, it's extra disturbing when I have some sort of angry outburst because it's so out of character. It has not happened many times. I've only gotten angry to the point of breaking things twice. And for some odd reason, both times I broke my phone. I've tried to break other things, but never successfully. And it's only when you break something successfully that you realize how angry you truly are. To throw something and it not break is to just let off some steam and then move forward.
To throw something so hard or punch something so hard that you break it is to then have a wake-up call. You're like, holy fuck, I really, wow, I just broke something. But what I'm here to discuss today is not how mortifying it is that I have gotten angry to the point of throwing my phone at the wall and breaking it twice. Instead, I'm choosing to look at these two very distinct meltdowns in my life from a positive lens. Because the truth is, even though I'm not proud of these two moments of my life, I've learned so much from them. I was shown so much from these two moments. And maybe you can learn something too.
How do meltdowns reflect our emotional state?
Now, listen, I have had far more mental breakdowns than these two, but I think these two stand out in my brain because they were extreme in a way that differs from my other mental breakdowns. Like both of these two mental breakdowns, I think, were very much rock bottom for me. It was like the accumulation of 50 mental breakdowns beforehand that then led to this massive one. where I became somebody I don't recognize. And I think that that's why they're so potent and filled with things to discuss because they were filled with, you know, months and months and months of pain in a way. They were a breaking point. So let me take you back to when I was 17 years old and I got into my first romantic relationship. It was very exciting for me.
It was also something that I never thought would work out for me. I was always really insecure about what I provide as a woman. Not to get so deep with it all of a sudden, but I've always been somebody who maybe was a bit more humorous. Like, I think my dominant personality trait growing up was humor and silliness, not femininity. I didn't have a super stereotypically feminine body. I went through puberty late, so I didn't have curves. I didn't have boobs. I didn't have butt. That came later. And so I was always very insecure about myself as a woman. And so it was a huge accomplishment for me to be accepted by a boy and not just any boy. This was a boy that I had had a crush on for a very long time. And he did not like me at first, but eventually he did.
And we dated and it was this magical thing. It was like doing the impossible times too. Dating this guy that I had liked for a really long time and he disproving the idea that I was not attractive to guys because I didn't have a feminine enough personality and body and whatever. So this was really good for me in the beginning. And, you know, the relationship lasted for... About nine months. I won't get into the details. It had its highs. It had its lows. It was not all sunshine and rainbows, but it also wasn't all negative. There were some really great moments there. We ultimately ended up breaking up after nine months. Now, I know what you're thinking. Emma, that's a very short relationship. Yeah, no. That relationship seemed like a lifetime to me. Because everything was so new.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What led to my meltdowns?
0:00–2:36
2
How do meltdowns reflect our emotional state?
2:36–6:45
3
What can I learn from my first romantic relationship?
6:45–9:13
4
Why are breakups so painful?
9:13–15:15
5
How did my second meltdown occur?
15:15–26:31
6
What does throwing my phone represent?
26:31–31:00
7
How do I cope with perfectionism in my work?
31:00–36:39
8
What insights have I gained from my experiences?
36:39–41:24