All of us want to "seen" by the people around us. We want to be recognized as unique individuals. Yet the experience of being seen in this way can be dispiritingly rare. This week, we kick off our "Relationships 2.0" series by talking with researcher Allison Pugh about the psychological benefits of what she calls "connective labor." She explains why this labor is often overlooked, and how to cultivate the superpower of making other people feel seen. In this episode, you'll learn: *The definition of connective labor, and why this skill is like "engine grease" for our personal and professional relationships.*Why connective labor is vital to success in a surprisingly broad array of careers. *The gender stereotypes around connective labor, and why these stereotypes overlook the role that men play as connectors. *How connective labor affects our mental and physical health.*How connective labor by teachers may affect students' ability to learn. *How to slow down in interactions with other people and explore the emotional context behind their words. If you have a follow-up question for Allison Pugh after listening to this episode, and you’d be willing to share it with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone. Once you’ve done so, email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “connection.” And thanks for listening!
Full Episode
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. Some years ago, a homeless woman was being discharged at a Philadelphia hospital. On her way out, nurses noticed the woman was wearing flip-flops. It was January, and January's in Philadelphia can get very cold. Nursing director Julie Munger had an idea.
Her daughter was a basketball player and had left a bunch of old sneakers in the trunk of Julie's car. Would one of those pairs fit the homeless woman? They went out and took a look, but the shoes were all a size and a half too small for the woman's feet. That's when, Julie told a reporter from WTXF-TV, things took an unexpected turn.
So as I was leaving, she's like, your shoes are nice. I said, well, what size are your feet? And she's like a 10.
Julie looked down at her own shoes. They were a size 10. They were also super comfortable and she loved them.
I'm like, these are a 10. Do you want these? And she just cried and thought it would be great. So I just gave her the shoes.
Julie unlaced her shoes and handed them to the other woman. Perhaps you've had experiences like this yourself. Our sister show, My Unsung Hero, often features stories like this where people reach out to help one another in unusual acts of generosity. But the reason these stories stand out is because they're at odds with the way most of us feel treated as we go about our days.
We don't feel seen and heard. We feel ignored and passed over. This week on Hidden Brain, and in a companion story on Hidden Brain Plus, we examine the reasons behind the growing disconnection in our schools, hospitals, and workplaces, and what we can do about it. It's also the start of a series that has long been a favorite with listeners, Relationships 2.0.
In the coming weeks, we will look at the art of negotiation and ways in which we can get along better with the people in our lives. When boarding a train or subway or going shopping at the mall, we may take in hundreds of people at a glance. On a Zoom call for work, the faces of our coworkers fit into a grid.
Even when we're spending time with close friends and family, our familiarity can get in the way of really seeing the person in front of us. Alison Pugh is a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University. She studies how we relate to one another and how this has changed over time. Alison Pugh, welcome to Hidden Brain. Thank you so much for having me.
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