Someone says something that hits a nerve, and before you know it, you’re on the defensive. Defensiveness is a normal reaction. But it can quickly escalate arguments and make things worse. Good news: there’s a better way to handle it. In this episode, I’m sharing 3 ways to stay calm and not get defensive—no matter how heated the conversation gets. These strategies will help you stay composed and avoid escalating the situation. So you can turn difficult conversations into productive ones. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Visit cozyearth.com/jefferson and use my exclusive 40% off code JEFFERSON to give the gift of luxury this holiday season. If you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from The Jefferson Fisher Podcast! Pre-order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
What is defensiveness and why does it occur?
If there's one thing that I personally struggle with, it's feeling defensive. It's natural, but it's also the number one killer of conversation. If you feel defensive, you shut everybody off. And if they feel defensive, they're not going to listen to anything else you have to say. On today's episode, it's all about how do you handle defensiveness.
Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, leave a review or a star or anything. It really matters, and I read them all. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments.
I also want to make sure that you know my book, The Next Conversation, is officially out on pre-order, and I put the links down in the show notes. If there's one thing about defensiveness, it's that it's so easy to do. It's just biological. It's natural. Because anything that you perceive as a threat or a challenge, you fight against. It is natural as part of your fight or flight.
On any argument that you're going to have, there are two sides. There is an ignition side and a cooling side of it. And that ignition is triggered by things that trigger you. So anytime somebody challenges your opinion or disagrees with you, your body perceives that as a threat. It says, I don't like that. Somebody gives you an opinion and you disagree, your body says, I don't like that.
Somebody's telling you what to do, your body goes, I don't really like that. So every time that happens, there is a desire to push back against it. If somebody's telling you, you need to go do this. you automatically want to go, no, I don't. If somebody says, oh, you were behaving this way last night, you were in a bad mood last night, you automatically want to go, no, I wasn't.
Who are you to tell me how I was or how I'm feeling or what to do? We preserve that element of autonomy within ourselves. And so anytime you feel defensiveness, it is just so... And it's nearly impossible to stop from the get-go, but there are some tips and techniques that I'm going to give you to make sure that you know how to handle it in the moment.
Number one, to keep yourself from getting defensive, let their words fall to the ground. This is what I mean. In case you forgot, other people's words are not your responsibility to carry. It's not tennis or volleyball. You don't have to throw anything back. So instead, you're just going to take a breath.
Imagine that their words fall to the ground and you get to decide whether to pick them up or just leave them there. And you're going to find more often than not, you just want to leave them there. Get rid of beginning your sentence with you.
When it comes to responding in an argument, the word you is very triggering because it's you telling them what to do, how they should behave, what they need to say, what they need to do, and they're going to get defensive. So instead of you, we're going to tweak that to start with I. When you start with I, it's not nearly as triggering.
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