In a world where it’s normal to match attitude for attitude and shade for shade, what if you chose a different route? In this episode, Ryan unpacks why matching someone else’s energy might be the most overrated move you’re making — and how setting the standard can change your relationships, your leadership, and your peace of mind. From sibling fights to toxic work cultures, this one’s got real-life stories, a little humor, and a reminder that you don’t have to reflect the room — you can lead it. To subscribe to encouraging text from Ryan, text PODCAST to 469-809-1201.
Chapter 1: How can I stop matching others' energy?
Hey, what's going on, everybody? Welcome to the Ryan Lake Podcast, where we keep things short, sweet, and we always try to give you something practical to do that I believe can add value to your life. And I hope that today's episode is one that truly sticks with you long after the episode ends. I don't know if you've ever noticed. how easy it is to match somebody else's energy.
If somebody gives you an attitude, you think all of a sudden, well, I got to have an attitude right back. I got to match attitude for attitude. If somebody is a cold towards you, you think, oh, I'm going to just get colder. If somebody throws shade, you say, you know what? I'm going to throw a whole tree. I got something for you. You want to throw shade at me?
I'm going to throw a whole tree your direction. I think that we live in a world where it's totally normal to go mood for mood, comment for comment, insult for insult, silent treatment for silent treatment, passive aggressive email for passive aggressive email. I'm going to show you. And I just have to wonder if that's a mature way of living.
Chapter 2: What lessons can we learn from children's behavior?
I've got two kids, two boys, 10 and 5, and they're always wrestling. They're always fighting. And inevitably, one of them is always going to end up crying because the other one poked his eye out or punched him in the nose. There's always something, right? And I always ask a question that really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But for some reason, it always comes out of my mouth.
And the question is, why did you hit your brother? Why did you hit your brother? It really is not a logical question to ask a five-year-old as if they're going to give you some sort of academic explanation as to why they hit their brother. But nevertheless, I say, why did you hit your brother? And what do you think I hear every single time? Because he hit me first. He hit me first, daddy.
He hit me first, daddy. And it's like, when I watch them, I think they're kids. But it's interesting when I see adults, it's like that logic doesn't expire. We just get taller and start driving. Some of us never grow up. We just get promoted. And it's easy for us to find ourselves in a world working with people like this.
Chapter 3: Why is it important to set a personal code?
marrying people like this, dating people like this, raising people like this. Sometimes we're sitting next to people like this at dinner, or we're standing behind them in line, we're in traffic with them, or maybe we're on a group project with them in some way, shape, or form. And we can find somebody in our world that has an energy that we are tempted to match. And here's the deal.
Unless we make a decision, I think we are going to end up becoming just like them. So here's what I'm learning. You've got to choose the code in which you're going to live by before things go sideways. Because if you don't, if you don't choose your code, someone else is going to choose it for you. Because everybody's got a code. You've got a code. You have a code in which you live by.
And people get their codes from all kinds of places. Some people get their codes from their parents. If you have great parents, that might be a good thing. But you might also have a parent that said, my mama said knock you out. So if somebody double crosses you, if somebody breaks your trust, you say, all right, it's time to fight. Some people get their code from their zip code.
Chapter 4: How do our backgrounds influence our reactions?
They'd be like, I'm from Detroit. Yeah, ain't nobody gonna mess with me. You'd be like, man, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why you got to say it like that? How come you can't just say, I'm from Detroit? Some people say, I'm from Chicago. I'm from the Bronx. You don't know what I've been through. You're like, man, why don't you just calm down just a little bit? But for some people, where they grew up,
and how they grew up believes it gives them the right to treat people in some type of way. Some people, they get their code from culture. Yeah, from influencers on social media. Some people actually get their code from politics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their behavior is dictated by what the left tells them to do. Their Behavior is dictated by what the right tells them to do.
But here's what I want you to know. Here's the good news today. You get to choose your code. Did you know that? You get to choose your code. You get to take charge of your life. You don't have to match dysfunction. You don't have to become the worst version of yourself just because somebody else already did. Did you know that you can choose kindness over sarcasm?
That you can choose grace over gossip and Patience over pettiness? Did you know that you can choose peace over trying to prove your point? Did you know that you can choose joy over judgment? Did you know that you can choose love over labeling other people? Did you know that you can choose to be the calm in chaos? That you can choose to walk away when others want to wage war?
Did you know that you get to set the standard? You don't have to match the energy. I'll never forget one time I was speaking for a corporation. It was actually a federal credit union out in the Bay Area in San Francisco. And I was asked to do an hour on kindness. Truth be told, they asked me to do eight hours and all my best stuff was like already taken up in six hours.
And I was like, I mean, I can do an hour on kindness. And that just happened, is what it is. And I'll never forget that after the eighth hour, we did Q&A. And a woman stood up during that Q&A and she says, sir, I don't have a question. I have a comment. I said, okay. She said, I grew up in a toxic house. I went to a competitive college. My last job was dog eat dog.
I was taught that the only way to climb the ladder of success was to pull someone else off of it. But here you come in our office today and you taught me that I could get ahead by being kind. Sir, I have never heard anything like that in my entire life. And if I'm honest, this is what she said. I don't like the person I've become. But today you gave me a new way to be human.
And I just wanted to say thank you. My friends, I think that's what it's all about. It's a new way to be human. My friend, I don't think you have to match the room. I don't think you have to clap back for every clap. I don't think that you need to flex just because someone else is loud. No, no, no. I think you get to be an example, not a mirror.
Yeah, I think you get to set the standard, not match the energy. So the next time someone's negative, harsh, judgmental, cold, selfish, dramatic, or just plain rude behavior just drives you crazy, do not match it. No, set the standard. You're better than that. Because when you do, you show the world a better way. And maybe, just maybe, you give somebody else permission to be human again.
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