Alain De Botton

speaker

1,037 appearances 5 recordings 5 series first heard Jan 2024 last heard 1 Jul

Alain De Botton’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.

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Recordings per month over the last 12 months — 4 in all, peaking in Jul 2026 with 1.

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Conversations · Special Collection: Alain de Botton on the true hardwork of love and relationships · 22 May 2026 podcast

And they feel so vulnerable in front of a partner that they love, but they don't know whether they are loved back, that they feel the need to kind of shore up their kind of ego elsewhere.

I'm not saying it's a great idea, but it's important to kind of get sympathy.

Generally, what I find is that there's a lot of repulsive behavior on the surface of relationships.

People call each other unbelievable things.

They're mean in ways that are extraordinary.

We don't have the cameras on most of the time, but you, dear listener, you know there are some really appalling things.

You're probably a really great friend and a fantastic colleague, but when the doors are shut, there's horrific stuff.

Now, it's very easy to think, well, you know, my partner is a monster or I'm a monster.

I think that a lot of bad behaviour really stems from anxiety and vulnerability.

It is incredibly frightening to make yourself vulnerable to someone.

And, you know, classic thing, you know, somebody comes home from work, they're tired, they're exhausted, they want their partner and their partner's sitting there and they say to their partner something like, hi, nice to see you.

And their partner goes, hi, just hi.

And it's a little, just a

tiny thing, but you kind of get the sense the partner's not that happy to see you.

At which point, normally, what can happen is you put the barrier back up and you go, well, actually, I'm quite busy tonight.

I'm going to go upstairs.

I don't really need to see you.

And in fact, this weekend, I'm going to be with my friends and your thighs are looking a bit fat.

In other words, you suddenly turn mean when really what you wanted to say is, I really need you, but I'm scared that you don't need me.

And this can happen in people who've got a mortgage together.

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