Alain De Botton

My view is that in a relationship, you really have to decide what variety of suffering you really want to go for, because each of these good things has a really negative associated with it.

So, you know, do you want to have loyalty, in which case you also have boredom?

Or do you want excitement, but in which case you'll also have chaos and you'll hurt people and there'll be jealousy, etc.

I was giving another talk in California and I said to the audience, you know, sometimes there are choices to be made.

You know, what kind of suffering is least bad for you?

The audience just looked absolutely stunned.

This is California where they expect an answer, you know, and we are...

Very, you know, we're an age nowadays that wants the complete package.

And I think, you know, the UK hasn't produced much good of late, but one of its chief good exports is melancholy.

And I think that sometimes in love, there is no answer but a kind of melancholy, which is different from bitterness or rage or fury.

It is the incompatibility of life.

well handled, handled with dignity.

And I think that society really doesn't help us in this area.

It constantly excites us to expect total fulfillment across the board.

Yes, I think it is a profound attempt by one person to understand another and vice versa.

But also, and you put your nail on the head, compassion is absolutely key because, you know, a lot of what goes wrong in relationships is self-righteousness, bitterness, a sense that you're okay.

you've done the right things, but it's your partner that's to blame.

And I think that the relationships that go well, and this is eventually what happens to the couple in my novel, is that they learn to forgive one another, which sounds so weird because we've heard it from church pulpits, etc.

But what does that really mean?

It really means being aware of one's own imperfections.