Alison Wood Brooks

I thought, whoa, whoa. You're right, for sure. I definitely was coming from this sort of heteronormative perspective. And I couldn't have imagined that such a sort of a moment of levity could be experienced in that way as sort of exclusionary.

And I was really disappointed in myself. I was really, I was in my 20s still. I was really young as a professor. And I thought, gosh, of all of the faculty here, the young woman is the one who's getting this wrong. And I'm so sorry. Like, I really, I want to be the inclusive one. And then he said the sort of saddest part of all, he said, well, most professors make me feel this way.

And I was really disappointed in myself. I was really, I was in my 20s still. I was really young as a professor. And I thought, gosh, of all of the faculty here, the young woman is the one who's getting this wrong. And I'm so sorry. Like, I really, I want to be the inclusive one. And then he said the sort of saddest part of all, he said, well, most professors make me feel this way.

And I was really disappointed in myself. I was really, I was in my 20s still. I was really young as a professor. And I thought, gosh, of all of the faculty here, the young woman is the one who's getting this wrong. And I'm so sorry. Like, I really, I want to be the inclusive one. And then he said the sort of saddest part of all, he said, well, most professors make me feel this way.

You're just the only one that I feel comfortable enough sharing it with. And I thought, oh, my goodness. Like, I guess that's good for me, but so bad for us collectively in terms of sort of conversational safety and the ability to have these hard conversations.

You're just the only one that I feel comfortable enough sharing it with. And I thought, oh, my goodness. Like, I guess that's good for me, but so bad for us collectively in terms of sort of conversational safety and the ability to have these hard conversations.

You're just the only one that I feel comfortable enough sharing it with. And I thought, oh, my goodness. Like, I guess that's good for me, but so bad for us collectively in terms of sort of conversational safety and the ability to have these hard conversations.

So there's so much going on in that story, Alison. And as you're telling the story, I'm putting myself in your shoes, sitting across from the student. The student basically says, effectively, you were being insensitive when you made this joke in class.

So there's so much going on in that story, Alison. And as you're telling the story, I'm putting myself in your shoes, sitting across from the student. The student basically says, effectively, you were being insensitive when you made this joke in class.

So there's so much going on in that story, Alison. And as you're telling the story, I'm putting myself in your shoes, sitting across from the student. The student basically says, effectively, you were being insensitive when you made this joke in class.

And I can imagine you at that moment sort of tensing up and sort of getting a little anxious and getting a little worried and feeling a little aroused. You know, there's a spotlight being trained on you and you are being called out as someone who is, you know, an unkind and sensitive person.

And I can imagine you at that moment sort of tensing up and sort of getting a little anxious and getting a little worried and feeling a little aroused. You know, there's a spotlight being trained on you and you are being called out as someone who is, you know, an unkind and sensitive person.

And I can imagine you at that moment sort of tensing up and sort of getting a little anxious and getting a little worried and feeling a little aroused. You know, there's a spotlight being trained on you and you are being called out as someone who is, you know, an unkind and sensitive person.

That's right. And we all feel these moments and there are these fleeting moments where you have high arousal and negative feelings. There's a map that scholars call the affective circumflex, but my students like to call it the wheel of feelings. And it's sort of high to low arousal on the y-axis and then negative to positive on the x-axis.

That's right. And we all feel these moments and there are these fleeting moments where you have high arousal and negative feelings. There's a map that scholars call the affective circumflex, but my students like to call it the wheel of feelings. And it's sort of high to low arousal on the y-axis and then negative to positive on the x-axis.

That's right. And we all feel these moments and there are these fleeting moments where you have high arousal and negative feelings. There's a map that scholars call the affective circumflex, but my students like to call it the wheel of feelings. And it's sort of high to low arousal on the y-axis and then negative to positive on the x-axis.

And that upper left quadrant is this high arousal, negative feelings, anger, defensiveness, anxiety. Your heart starts to race. You're feeling bad. And these feelings happen in conversation when something starts to not feel right. And it's a familiar feeling.

And that upper left quadrant is this high arousal, negative feelings, anger, defensiveness, anxiety. Your heart starts to race. You're feeling bad. And these feelings happen in conversation when something starts to not feel right. And it's a familiar feeling.

And that upper left quadrant is this high arousal, negative feelings, anger, defensiveness, anxiety. Your heart starts to race. You're feeling bad. And these feelings happen in conversation when something starts to not feel right. And it's a familiar feeling.

And that's definitely how I was feeling in that moment, this arousal, my heart's racing, probably your stress hormones start to release in your body. And there are a number of ways that you can react to it. And I think we all grapple with, well, should I react defensively? Should I react angrily?