Arturo

Yo muy nervioso.

Tenso.

¿En serio? No, pues no sé.

Dímelo, dímelo, ¿eh?

O sea, no es como que se tomaba por hecho ya, pero yo sentía que era una conversación. O sea, se podía como pedir en una conversación.

Yo que sí.

No, o sea, yo planeaba decirte como, bueno, pues ya deberíamos de ser novios. Llevamos tanto tiempo saliendo tal, ¿no? Pero sin como el... ¿Quieres ser? Ajá, o sea, es que... Tuve eso con la primera novia que tuve. Y luego, espera, espera, espera.

Espérate.

25.

Yo soy un chavo... Yo no sabía si se usaba o no. No, pero yo voy a contar.

A ver.

Sí.

No, no, no, no. O sea, está fuera de contexto. Grave, grave.

Pues es que, o sea, para mí no había tenido una relación ya grande. Entonces, no sabía si... Estaba raro de que... Hacer un show, si me explico. O sea, de que vas al cine y en los créditos. De que quieres ser vino. Si me explico, o sea... En el recibo de... No sé. En un plato en el restaurante. Ah, sí, sí, sí. Y luego... Si lo... O sea, en las películas y así. La gente adulta.

Dice que, bueno, pues ya están saliendo y ya. Y ya.

Pues no sabía si iba a estar raro. Si tú vas a decirle que qué pedo.

Ajá, exacto.

Pues... No, pues... Sí.

O sea, no sabía, no sabía yo.

Cómo... Cómo era el show.

No.

No.

¿De aquí para acá?

Y él,

Y ya.

No.

Es que ¿cuánto llevábamos saliendo?

¡Órale! Dos semanas. Y según yo, ese día me fui a, creo, Puebla o algo así. Y venía de regreso y te puse, ¿qué onda? En la tarde, ¿qué hacemos?

Porque teníamos un plan. Pero pues no teníamos un plan concreto. Entonces yo dije, bueno, pues ¿qué hacemos?

No me acuerdo.

Dormido. Yo pregunté.

No, pero fue como cinco horas después.

Y yo acababa de ir a Puebla.

Tú dijiste.

Bueno, al día siguiente tú te ibas a no sé dónde en camión. ¿Te acuerdas? ¿Dices qué? Y te dejó el camión y te quedaste tú enojada.

Ya.

No, pues sí, ¿qué onda? ¡Órale! no sé si le pregunté a alguien seguro le pregunté a alguien es normal no yo ser mala onda bueno el chiste es que seguro no me acuerdo bien la verdad pero seguro pregunté sobre si estaba bien mi comportamiento en ese momento yo no sabía eso Pues yo me imagino, ¿no?

No, yo que le hablé a Diego.

Y le dije como, oye, hice esto. Me fui a Puebla a trabajar. Y luego regresé y le pregunté, ¿qué hacemos al rato? Y se enojó. Y pues ya.

Y Diego, ¿qué pendejo eres?

No. Me dijo, no, pues... Pues es ilegal, ¿no?

Yo también.

No, luego no hicimos nada. Es lo que querías. Ya. Ya no hicimos nada. Ya no hicimos nada.

Y fue Jay Cortés. Estuvo cool.

Pero el día siguiente, seguías enojada y te ibas tú a Puebla, o no, ¿a dónde te ibas? ¿En camión? Para una marca, ¿te acuerdas? Y te dejó el camión.

Y fui por ti. Sí.

Pues se solucionó. Fuimos contentos.

Y estuvo bien.

No, pero se solucionó y nos fuimos contentos.

¿Qué? ¿Qué? ¿Qué?

En la central de camino...

Es que eso fue, pero eso fue ya fuera de mi casa, sí, ¿cierto?

Sí, sí, sí.

No, pues pensé que fundamentalmente... ¿Tú no querías? Sí, o sea, yo dije, pues te enojaste y yo en el momento... Y sostengo que no hice tampoco nada tan grave. Entonces dije como, maybe no... Pues no jalamos, ¿o qué? Y estamos en la calle, ¿te acuerdas?

Sí, todo bien.

Pues sí, o sea. Obvio. Sí, y luego estábamos, te digo, en la calle, estuvo raro, o sea, como que siempre hay gente cortando en la calle, ¿no?

Y de qué pasa si dices, como, se están peleando. Uy, ¿y eran esa pareja? Entonces, como que éramos nosotros eso. Ajá. Y yo dije, como, qué pedo.

Sí.

Sí.

Sí, empezó a llover.

Sí, pero no estuvo tan grave.

No, pues que está muy mal eso. Yo no entiendo de esa gente. Ah, ya sé. De que... Se ve que Cassandra te trata mal, escapa de ahí Arturito. Y yo de que, ¿qué pedo?

Sí, pues un amigo me mandó un, un este, como clip de TikTok, donde estabas hablando de mí, y luego lo borró, dije como, qué pedo culo, ¿por qué?

Y lo volví, ah, me dijo de que no, es que ya vi los comentarios, y pues ya, o sea, dije como, mejor no se lo mando, entonces obviamente le dije, mándomelo otra vez, y ya lo vi, y eran puros vatos de que, escapa de ahí, de que se ve que esa morra es de la verga, las dos, de que andabas hablando de pura pendejada.

Sí, te metieron ahí.

Bien, bien.

No, no, no, pero sí.

O sea, yo obviamente no tomo parte como en los comentarios, ¿sí? Pero sí recuerdo pensar como...

Sí, es todo absurdo. Ya regresamos a lo mismo. Luego hablamos.

Por mensaje.

¿Eh?

1, 2, 3.

¿Cómo?

No, estamos hablando de Juan.

¿Eh?

No, de broma.

Ando.

No.

No.

Es que sí tengo un problema.

Ajá, sí, sí, sí. O... Sí, es que sí, estoy enfermo. O sea... No, no estás enfermo. Tengo como... Como que no me gusta usar las cosas.

pero para eso son es que Arturo dice que yo el otro día me dijo de que el shampoo y así bueno no el shampoo pero como entonces no me baño no no el shampoo no el shampoo pero como como que la pasta no no no no todo por ejemplo Arturo no cosas que son como de un solo uso ya entiendo como una gorra a lo mejor

Es un ejemplo, no sé. Pero, por ejemplo, como los... Cosas que me pones como en los garinitos, las estrellitas. Y es como, nada, seguro se quita solo para que lo uso.

Ajá, exacto. porque siento que son tus productos como como mis calcetines como no pero Arturo es caro y cool y yo es como como que no me gusta usarlo digo como no pues ya es tuyo y también lo mío así lo trato por alguna razón sí sí sí la vez pasada me dijo de que es que tú tú tratas muy mal tus cosas y le dije Arturo no las trato mal las uso jaja

No, pues ¿qué tal que nos mudamos?

No, lo de hackeado ya aquí con el ojo.

Es que sí, sí, sí.

Tienen valor.

Va.

Sí.

¡No!

Es muy importante eso. No, real, real, sí. Hay gente que se dedica nada más a hacer cajas.

Espectacular.

¿Por qué?

llegando a la casa ¿puedes unirte al camino de Juan?

Ah, pensé que nosotros decíamos. Ustedes dicen.

Es jueves.

¿De qué? ¿De qué?

¿Por qué contaste ese secreto?

Es que así decía mi papá y así decía su papá.

Pero es algo que hacías tú.

De esto se trata la dinámica, ¿no? Sí. De algo que haces tú.

Y tú, ti.

¿Me gugutata? No, no, no. ¿Ah, sí?

¿Te gustó la ensalada?

¡Oh, no!

¿Te acuerdas? Ayúdame, Arturito.

Yo me acuerdo más que tú.

Pues fuimos a cenar.

Y yo había llegado y había dejado mi coche en el ballet. Y tú llegaste en el tuyo.

Me metiste una sonrisita ahí.

Pues igual que Juan, muy bonita.

No, así. ¿Para qué más?

Arturo está odiando.

¿De qué?

Pues que eres muy chistosa, fluía muy rápido. Y yo estaba nervioso también, como ahorita.

Stay out of my corner. That's my corner. You couldn't pay me to get anywhere near that corner.

Oh, fuck! I got a three. Move my guy three spaces. Oh, move back three spaces! Fuck! Hold on, hold on. Okay. I got a five. Oh, move back five spaces! Oh, fuck! Hold on. Gosh! Six! I thought we were playing Trouble! I got a six, move me. Move me six! Oh, I just win, that's it? Oh, this is a stupid game, let's play again. Oh, let's play the Game of Life! Gosh, I'm a travel agent!

Oh gosh, I forgot that this was back... Oh, I'm counting. Oh god. I get a split level of this salary? Gosh, I remember when that was possible.

Well, there's a set of books called Dungeons and Dragons. I'm going to roll up a character. I'm going to play Barnabas the Dreadawake, a triton barbarian. Now that sounds pretty fun.

Oh, yeah, the time I broke my back. I don't know how we got off so easy.

That's true. All right, uh, Feobold, what the fuck is that? I guess Feobold. Oh, yeah, no, they're cow people. Cow people? Yeah. Wait, cow people? Yeah, you're a fever. That's me, I'm the cow person. Yeah, you give me the cow person, yeah.

They got really popular around 2018, 2019.

Yeah, what the fuck? The brutal blade? God, who thought of that? It's very edgy. It's edgy and uncreative.

Who buys the title The Dreadway? Isn't that pretty badass?

That's just what I fucking am. That's so lame. Oh, why don't you make him gold so it's just a little different? Oh, I guess. Just to run Peg down. Yeah, just make him gold.

Wait, was it visible the whole time?

And then, hello, I am Greg. My name is Dungeon Master. Greg. My name... Oh, it's Dennis! It's me, I'm Greg. I am the Teller of Tales. We're doing mysteries. My name is Mr. Encephius. Mr. E. Isn't that cool? I will run the adventure. Finally.

Gosh, I feel like after all of these 387 years... I've lost my optimism and cheerfulness. I'm down to one cheerful instead of double cheerful. Well, had he walked up the stairs, he would have been in a world of hurt. Yeah, I would have free skied yeti him. Don't get any weird ideas.

My name's Ladle L. You can just call me Ladle for short. I grew up in a soup house. My folks were the masters of muktuk stew. So I ate a whole lot of muktuk. I'm so cheerful, I'm double cheerful. I'm double cheerful and optimistic. So I'm not too worried about this dragon. I'm sure everything will turn out fine. And, you know, so what I knew is that the key to a good mug tuck is steel.

Is that you just gotta use cheese just past expiration. You know, that's my secret, I think. What's your name? My name is Ladle, spelled Ladle. You can ignore the L-E-L at the end. Ladle-ell. My parents were memers on Reddit at an unfortunate time.

My weapon of choice is a giant ladle. that I've reflavored from a mom, and I'm double cheerful and optimistic, and my greatest achievement is that I'm so good at eating muktuk, I won silver medal at a muktuk eating contest, and that's the best one, because we're silver dragon ballers.

That's canonically true, gold in second place. I got first, which is silver. I got a giant fucking spoon, so I eat a lot of muktuk, which if you don't know, it's made from whale blubber. I came from a long line of harvesters of whales. Anyway, everything's going to be fine, folks.

Can we call you Z for short? And what's your weapon of choice? You can call him. It's like Lazy Boy. Laz-y. That's how I wrote it. He's like a one-piece character.

Hey, hey, hey, fellas. The name's Arturo, but that's dumb as fuck, so you can call me Artie, all right?

Call me Artie, all right? Jeez. Yeah, Artie. And I'm a bit of a pugilist, a bit of a brawler, and you can see that, you know, I'm a little greedy.

Well, everybody knows that I use illicit dragonborn drugs. Heavily. And I'm greedy because drugs are expensive. I'm known for the fact that... I like bigger gals, to the point of I once fucked and then married a Yeti.

That's true.

Um, and, uh... Oh gosh, I get it! Uh, and my, uh... My, I think my weapons would be two large, like, dragon claw gauntlets. Ooh. Okay. Yeah. Hell yeah.

I was without a road trip! with my wife and a Yeti, and it was terrible. One was a beast that was super hairy and bad breath and really male tempered, and the other was a Yeti.

Gosh, I think it's going to all work out fine. That dragon's probably gonna leave us alone if we, you know, once it's had enough.

Shucks, they're screaming with joy. And there's no place I'd rather be with my pals already lazy and sorry. Here on the top of the mountain. And you know what? Even if there's rough stuff happening down below, it sure is a nice view.

Well, the plan is we go down there and we kill it, because it's coming for us next.

Of course we'll win. Yeah, exactly right. It can't beat us. Yeah, there's no way. There's no way we could lose. You always got to look on the bright side of life. Unless... Ooh. Unless what? It's under all of our weaknesses. Gosh, well, that means that it'll see us as more vulnerable, kind companions that'll let us go.

Yeah, you always... I want you all to know that. You always mention it. I keep mentioning it because I mean... It always comes up in conversation.

Absolutely. I thought that movie was man, given the subject matter and all. Conflict of interest. Well, all I know is that whatever we decide to do, it'll be the right decision. Listen, the one thing we can all say for sure, okay, is that we've all had sex. Okay? You've had sex?

I took a vow of celibacy once, but we all know the only reason I did it was so that I could break it, because that's a badass thing to do, okay? Well, I don't know about you fellows, but as chaste as chaste gets, I wear the white cloak with pride. I am by vows. Do you have something in your eyes? Yeah, the snow blighters. Do you know the huge car snow blighters can manifest as an elemental?

Of course you know that. Is that fucking true? Yes. What a stupid idea. After the mud tucking contest, it's just a little tough. Oh, shit. It's a little tough.

No, your grace, you always got to look at the bright side. You always said that Argent Holm would never fall.

Yes, your grace.

Yeah, he's kind of like a Gary Stu, you know what I mean? Someone who's being dragged wasn't enough.

Why would you break your oath?

Well, you know, I'm sure that his grace will look the other way. I mean, this is the fucking kid, the emperor, you know? He's got wings, he just flew up. I mean, as he was talking about, oh! Yeah, he's got two different colored eyes. It's really cool, your grace. We'll do whatever you say, because you always have the best plans.

We'll protect the mansion with our lives, not like we'll need to, because we'll all survive.

Yes, Your Grace, we'll do anything if it makes you proud of us. Just tell me what to do. I just need orders, that's all. I'm very decisive.

No, ever Laszlo Gagorovitz!

What do we do? What do we do? Somebody tell me what to do. Yes, you guys just gotta use positive thinking. We're gonna be okay.

This is fine.

So I guess I'll sacrifice my giant ladle, folks. And I would do anything for the survival of my friends and my king, I mean my emperor, whom I've taken a vow of loyalty and celibacy that I've never violated. Yes, thank you. And I haven't regretted it once. Okay, here we go, ladle saving the day. I'm gonna stick, I'm gonna flip my ladle around and try to shove it into the bed.

Animal Crossing, okay.

You guys are never going to believe this. I got a 26. You're right, I don't believe it.

By the power of Bucktuck, I've done it!

Sorry, you're using the great cheesecloth technique that your dear old dad taught you. I got a 19. A 19.

What happens if he dies? Does it work like Santa Claus and, like, we become the Emperor? He's not gonna die, he's gonna be fine, look! Hold on, I got just the thing, I got just the thing.

I take out a little silver, almost like a little vial with like a flat bottom and a little screw cap, and I'll screw it off and I will, I have like long dragon boar nails, but my dragon boar nail is especially long. And from this little vial, I tap out a little bit of silver dust onto the nail. All right, I will prop the ember up.

All right, you just snort as hard as you can and do it, like you're shoving it in his nostril. You do that, and he...

Did you just get the ember so high you left off the platform and thought you could fly to the bottom? Yeah, I mean... He has wings, ladies and gentlemen.

Your father was a real good guy. The good old cheeseburger. Our folks always used to be good friends. I look away. Your dear old dad, the cheeseburger. Oh, yes, my...

As good as we can be. Pretty good stuff, right? Nothing hurts us. Nothing hurts us. Yeah, there's really no time limit. We're pretty good. Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers.

No, I'm sure we'll see it real soon.

Well, yeah, and your order and your command, your grace. We'll be right down, no problem at all. If only we had wings. We've got the wings on our hearts. Thoughts of praise, thoughts of praise.

How's he gonna reimburse me?

Oh, gosh, is he okay?

I guess he's in a better place now. Wait, so does it work like Santa Claus? I don't know. Wait, I have an idea.

I always feel better after I eat some butter.

Thank you, Ladle L. No problem, you can just call me Ladle like you always have, son. Yeah, sorry, you're getting a little sentimental, huh?

I mean, are you a little down that your daddy died?

I think you've managed to escape. I need a parachute.

Oh gosh, I could use a nice cask of wine right now to celebrate our survival.

You know, Lazy, you're killing me. I went last to make sure that nobody else used this voice, and now there's two of us, and I guess that's five minutes.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll take a bump of beer unless it drives. Alright, you wanna use my nail or yours? Yeah, well, I don't have a nail.

Just get up in there, yup.

Oh gosh, I think you could too!

You could probably just punch it right through, and it would break off through and save the day! It wouldn't even be close, I mean, I could punch it right through. Why didn't you try it, Lazy?

Sarcophagus. Sarcophagus, thank you. You know, gosh, I can't wait until we can all get executed. I'll reach down, I'll pick him up. I'll be there helping you. We gotta follow our vision. You know, we all failed as Kingsguards, so now it's really only right that we all get executed as soon as we wake up. You remember.

It doesn't matter anymore! Well, I do enough shaving at home, let me tell you, you're not missing anything. I haven't seen you grow a facial hair after once this entire time. I mean, with Dragonborn, I mean, we don't... Hey, why are you giving him a hard time? We're just asking the question... The Emperor just died, we're all feeling a little emotional, we failed our sacred oaths, but that's okay.

Everybody fails their sacred oaths sometimes, and is destined to get executed after centuries of stasis, lovebirds. It's not so big a deal.

Damn it to the downhills. Oh. Well, shut up, Parge, anyway. Down the hedge! See all of the next quadrillion years!

Thank goodness no one discovered my terrible blood curse. LAUGHTER

I'm a real threat in the Muktuk eating contest, and I never told you about my blood curse of cetacean lycanthropy!

Oh, everything's going to be fine, your grace, even a death. And I'll just grab a giant rat and go off. Roll to attack. I'm going to just try to devour... I'm basically cho-gathing my way through this, for those who know. 20 to hit. Oh, that hits. I don't know if my Limit Break gives me special powers or anything.

Yeah, I just grab it and I rip its head off. Gosh, tastes just like Muktuk.

You picked the wrong day to get a taste of the claws!

Are you literally a whale guy right now, or am I just fucking tripping? Yeah, have you always been able to do that?

We've been here for centuries, right?

Oh, no worries, I have a sundial.

Can't we even go back to sleep without any more potion? The Emperor never told us if there was any more potion. Then he just died after saying yes. I think we're kind of like undead wights at this point.

I kind of like this. This is sort of better than your old version. You should just stay like this. Yeah, I think, I don't know how to turn it off. I ate all of my mud tuck and washed it down, and I think this might be permanent, folks.

Well, hold on. Maybe if I, oh, God, it's my sarcophagus is in pieces. I should have burst out like the Kool-Aid man. I should have thought about that.

Well, thank you. I'm gonna throw you up into the hole. What do you think, Zari?

One of us could invent a grappling hook, and I don't even have to get up there. Gosh, that's like, none of us will fit in that hole. Yeah, it's about like one-thirtieth of an ogre wide.

I'm a pretty big fella. I have my limit break, the master of buck tuck.

I got a 17.

I mean, that's about the distance of, like, nine ogres laying down.

Go!

Hold on, we're twisting you twice. Two twists, two twists, two twists.

While they're doing that, can I invent a grappling hook and throw it up there?

My magic! Gosh, thank goodness for my large, blubbery body. Otherwise, you would have broken the rest of you. Moments later, you're... Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers. The rope is holding. You're not as good. I'll open the box again.

Who's got a knife? What's the knife for? To get all the whale oil. Oh, I got a knife, take this. It's gonna be like, ahhh!

I always skipped conversions class. Fractions, fractions of an ogre. It's okay, because the death rate of hobbyist spelunkers is only like 60%. Does this count as spelunking?

You're doing great, Sauron! Also, shit, I didn't notice we got a raid seven minutes ago. Dang, thank you! Don't follow Dead Aussie Gamer. Hopefully you guys are still here. Thank you so much for the raid. We're just playing some D&D, some side story shenanigans. So give Dag a follow, and thank you so much.

Hey, are you okay?

All right. I guess we gotta go get him. I mean, I can just shoot him down if you want me to.

That sounds pretty cool. It's a multi-purpose. You think I can just punch? I mean, we got a fucking ranged attack. I'm not going to leave that on the table.

You can just shoot him down with your gun.

Okay, well, good luck, John.

The AC is 20! So if I roll well, fellas.

I'm gonna try to catch my dearest chum, sorry!

You think that means we can't leave this room at all? Yes. Well, is it either that or maybe there's drugs up there? If it felt kind of like drugs, I mean, is it possible that the rats had drugs?

Almost instantly. It was painful. It wasn't fun. I mean, there could be illicit dragonborn drugs, is all I'm saying. But hey, you're alive and you have your libs intact. That's true. We should chalk that up as a weird, you know what I mean?

Yeah, sure, what's up? You think they have girl were-whales anywhere in the world? Like, blood curse-wise, you got a sister? Gosh, I don't know. You don't know if you have a sister? No, I mean, I don't have a sister. Oh. I come from a long line of whales. And we all eat so much mud chuck that we all turn into were-whales, because you are what you eat, you know what I mean?

It's like the saying of over the lips through the gums, watch out stomach, here it comes.

I was always worried that if I, once you break the, you know, it's like a can of ye olde Pringles. Once you pop, you just can't stop. You know what I mean? I was just worried that I wouldn't be able to transform back into a beautiful, draconic form.

It's okay. Maybe I'll be able to just shrink back down if I just believe hard enough. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.

Oh, fuck! Well, I guess it's true that I am the master of bucktuck. I'm a real threat to the bucktuck unicorns. What you're saying is that all I got to do is feed someone just a lot of muck duck, and this happens? Well, I think it's kind of more of like a combination. Like, it's nature and nurture. You know what I mean? It comes from a long line of muck duck stew bakers.

Wait, can you summon the Wienermobile to drive us out of here?

He farts.

I got a fever, and the only prescription is Lady Weh-Weh. Oh. Because you know what they say, once you go Yeti, you never forget-y. And then you just, you got to keep climbing on that ladder. I'm looking for the next run, fellas.

Yeah, I'm sorry to say. And I mean, you should stop chasing the mythical blowhole. That's a saying in my family. You don't want to go down that road. You go down a path that no one can follow. It's a dark turn. But chasing the mythical blowhole's all I know.

You know, I appreciate your gumption, but Artie, what the fuck are you talking about?

Yes. Yes. You're gonna get broken. You're gonna get snapped like a twig.

That's what the drugs are for. It keeps you powered through, eh? A little bit of chipper up. It does.

Yes. I don't know if I can... I don't know if I can do it.

Yes, I heard she married a doctor. I cannot believe your memories are that vivid from fourth fucking grade. You really did peak, didn't you?

Do you have a single accomplishment that's not second-handed and related to somebody else? Well, I've met a lot of famous people in our time here. Oh, you've met somebody, you've danced with somebody, you're the son of somebody. What have you done, huh?

It came up organically. Well... Is that on my card or something, or are you just making this shit up? At least I was told that I fuck a Yeti.

Put it up. Imagine owning the world's greatest love songs. Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? Time Live Music presents the ultimate love songs connection.

It's very explicitly noise. Please turn it down. Please turn it down. I can't wait until we get to the part about love lifting us up where we belong. Love lifting us up where we belong.

Oh, remember that commercial? I think that maybe 75% of our audience is too young to understand that. Gosh, some people have an ocean breeze, some people have a storm, but gosh.

Oh, well, maybe I can try. I mean, I just became a whale person to eat some giant rats like 20 minutes ago. Hold on. Hello. Hello. Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

With the seals broken, you will be awoken. I'm twisting, twisting.

Oh gosh, my sacred blowhole!

This is it, fellas. This is our ticket. This is our ticket back to sleep. What? What is it? What did you find? You ever had a poppy seed bagel?

They're pretty good, but everything's better. Everything's better than a poppy seed bagel?

Oh, you would like a bagel dog, wouldn't you? Just a bagel just wrapped around the hot dog. I mean, the only way to make a hot dog better is by wrapping it in a bagel. Artie, it's fucking science. Just look, just imagine a poppy seed bagel, but like 38,000 ogre times better. You understand? That's a lot of ogres. Now remember, one drop makes you feel real good, right?

Two drops, it'll knock you right out.

No, no, we're taking two drops and we're going back to sleep until we get woken up by more rats.

Oh my god. This is perfect. It's so fitting.

No, no, nobody said that, okay? Is it a little dull?

Well, I think two droppers. Yeah, hold on, hold on, I don't know.

As you give coffee here, two compact discs for $16.00. Unbelievable. Oh, God.

Hustle the fizzlers.

I'm serious, Sister Fletch!

What?

I only awoke because of Ladle L's horrific screams!

It's a pretty good one.

16. It's gonna be fine.

I see the mark, it's like a little rat. The target's, like, swirling.

Oh. 20.

I'm the master of Muttler!

I must devour the trailer, the whispers of the old ones.

I'm gonna grab one of his legs and start pulling him out of the grasp of the ladle.

Laid-A-Low, I know that I wear well and laziness.

You better be careful, I'm gonna take you on a Nantucket sleigh ride! Motherfucker! A little bit of old whaling history for ya. What the fuck's Nantucket? What the fuck is this? Fuck! What does it say? What does it say? I mean, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm just so double cheerful and optimistic. Everything's going to get fine.

We're going to keep out of here just fine. I think I can... I'm so cheerful and optimistic, I'm going to squeeze into that rat hole, you know what I mean?

I slide down. I think we're trapped. It's okay. Everything's fine. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.

That's really funny. Oh no. Oh gosh, where's Mr. Bombastic when you need him? Gosh, I really wanted to get out so we can all be beheaded for failing our emperor.

Gosh, I think I'm too much of a big whale for that to have much of an effect, I guess. How long do you think until the madness truly sinks in?

I'm a little, you know.

Look for any secret levers or levers or buttons. Or maybe at least more potion. I mean, anything. We got a fucking eternity in here. We got time. That's right. Until we perish. Surely we'll find something! I smash the jar next to me, and I just start ripping things apart. My tail comes down and smashes it.

Oh my gods. What does this mean? You open, from the music, you open a portal to a tauren inn. I completely forgot that.

I just can't believe it. It didn't occur to me at first. Well, gosh, I knew that we were going to figure it out. We're all so smart and everything's going to turn out so well. This is what our great emperor wanted to happen. He knew that rats were going to devour his desiccated corpse. So now what? What do we do now? Now we go on.

We fulfill our destiny and go find someone who can behead us for failing our emperor.

I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure that dragon's long gone and all of our families are real safe and sound. Well, regardless, we're doing what we were tasked to do.

Flip through some of these options and let's see what, you know, I kind of want to kill something, so is there like a portal that we can go through?

I know, it's fucking hard to write. Arturo was my father's name, all right? I have always called you that, my brother. Well, I don't like it.

We have an eternity together.

Ah! We found it! We did it! The Lifetime's ultimate collection of love songs. It was really the power of love. Which isn't shocking when you actually own this collection. It seemed like a missed opportunity.

Anyway, I'll take this with us when we blast off to the stars. Oh, it already broke!

I love studying!

We've got all the time in the world!

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

We're drug addicts and we're... Well, that's because it's goofy. With some silver dust, that's all I got. It's busy bad eggs! Drink up, be hardy, yo-ho!

I think I would.

Well, I'm out of ideas. I thought I saw this book. Ye find yourself in yon dungeon. Ye see a flask. Obvious exits are north, south, and Dennis. Dennis? Dennis is in your direction. What would thou need? What are you reading?

Okay. We go in the direction of Dennis. I think we're trapped. There's no way out. Here's the thing, I haven't used my limit break yet. Should we just fight to the death? Just to pass the time?

And then all of a sudden, you will see a sea mammal. appear in the shape of a glorious animal, weirdly, appear around my hand as I say, dolphin blow! And I uppercut his hand. And I leap, and there's a beautiful silver dolphin that comes with my hand.

Oh my gosh! I didn't know the dolphin blow was so powerful. I just really like dolphins and blow. I mean... Stop trying to play cool, you did that on purpose. Wow. First, that's very funny. Second, I mean, he asked for it. I mean, I figured we were like zombie knights. I didn't think we'd just die like that. I think I just severed his vertebrae three or four and just killed him instantly.

Everything's actually going to be fine. I don't know my own strength. Everything's going to be fine. When I whip out the old dolphin blow. Well, you know what they say. You know what the crime, the crime for killing a fellow brother of the Watchers is? To get beheaded. On walkovers. I fucking freeze to yeti.

Holy fuck, where did you come from? Did I even have a way to get out of that? Did I need a space bomb or something? It was really unclean.

No, what is that? What the fuck? Lifetime. Lifetime. Yeah, Lifetime, whatever.

Love lift us up where we belong.

That's what I was afraid of. I'm going to be double the personality trait. Double stupid. Yeah.

I think we'll be out of here the next week! I think it'll be fine.

Thoughts and prayers! Thoughts and prayers!

Folks, I invented bowling! It's terrible, but there's nothing else to do!

Scoring doesn't make any sense! Oh, look, you got a strike. Let's all look at the screen while it plays a weird, metaphoric, bad CGI short film. The spaceship from the other room flies in and crashes into the emperor's bones and they all get alive.

He's born as a child, then he like goes through life, and he flies through space, and then he quickly ages and dies, and like, whoa!

Strike!

DNA discovery. Helped a woman meet the little brother she never knew she had.

Hi, I'm Arturo calling from New York City. Leadership support for Radiolab's science programming is provided by the Gordon and Betty Moore Foundation, Science Sandbox, Assignment Foundation Initiative, and the John Templeton Foundation. Foundational support for Radiolab was provided by the Alfred P. Sloan Foundation.