Austan Goolsbee

Their fresh new lifestyle has begun to interfere with their extracurriculars. Frankie missed his soccer game because he was weeping over the beauty of an Hermes handkerchief, said Rebecca Giovanni. Kevin wouldn't come down for his dino nuggets because he was in a bidding war for the jacket from Scarface, said Tony Farina's mother, Trish.

The boys now eschew playground time to gather in their finest velvet suits, holding unlit pipes and discussing their bones growing weary, the turbulent market, and the long-forgotten days of third grade.

It's great to see you again.

It was a bumpy week, wasn't it?

This is a day or a week or a month or a year or this is the life of the Fed. You know, the Fed was invented coming out of the panic of 1907. So we've been dealing with financial stability and market chaos and... cleaning up messes for a long, long time.

What do we do all day? Well, exactly. I still ask myself that question. There's five functions of the Fed. I kind of think of it as being on your hand. At the base is monetary policy. It's the opposable thumb. It's what separates us from the animals. And we have a research department. We go every six weeks or so to Washington, D.C. for the Federal Open Market Committee. The shades come down.

There's a giant table, and they go around the room. And it's kind of, I don't know, it's kind of paradise if you're an econ nerd. All right, let me interrupt.

And then... There's no pope and there's no flyers. But other than that, yes, that's pretty much how it is.

Yeah, pretty much. Now, everybody sits around the table. The Board of Governors are political appointees, and they're at the Washington, D.C. Fed. And then 12 of the 19 people around the table are from the 12 Reserve Banks. The Chicago District's kind of heart of the Midwest. It's most all of Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan. I feel a little regional pride.

Oh, majorly.

The head of the Atlanta Federal Reserve is Rafael Bostic. He's an old friend of mine. He was, in fact, the guy that... Yeah, but he's not here, man. Say something. I was applying for the job. Actually, he's the first guy I called. I said, what do you do all day? Tell me about this job. I try, when I go to make my statement...

I try every meeting to come with some receipts about why we're the greatest district in America. Like that something on the order of 90% of the pumpkins grown in America are grown within a 100-mile radius of Peoria, Illinois. And that's insane. So if we have a meeting around Halloween, you bet I'm trotting that one out. And I'll still try that.

I have no problem with that. Can I ask a personal question?

LAUGHTER

And my Aunt Trina's lasagna.

Well, look, the last time we talked about tariffs, I forgot to give my Aunt Trina any warning that I had talked about. All her friends began calling her up. And they said, is it true you're lasagna? She was like, I thought it was a pot roast.

The way you phrased it is right, Peter, and that is when you become a sworn member of the Federal Reserve, you don't have to sacrifice your aunt Trina. No, but you are out of the fiscal policy business. So Congress and the president, in their wisdom, can do anything they want. Wisdom? I would say— The Chicago Fed motto is like the Chicago City motto. There is no bad weather.

There is only bad clothing. You tell us the conditions, we pick the jacket, and we get on with it. The Fed is who you call when it's like, clean up aisle three, and we go out and we clean it up. If it's peanut butter, it's different than if it's milk, but basically our job is to weigh in there.

It's not dreary at all. What? How could you say that?

Hi, Jen. You sound strong.

Let me apologize up front, Aaron. I hope I can deliver, but I don't know.

It has to be the evil midway kitty. It is, sir.

Of course.

Yikes. Those are the three choices? Those are the three choices. I mean, how would it be anything but a movie? And you're right again.

Oh, my goodness. It has to be the sexy pizza rat.

I thought you were going to say how much I owe you, and the check is in the mail.

He is lucky that horses don't stop. They do just keep going.

So he wasn't even wrong, even though he was.

Exactly. Just to justify the ink.

They just get it.

They can't tell the difference between a pumpkin and an unwell head.

I'm a barista in Brooklyn. This news is not very shocking to me. All my co-workers are sporting them. What are they getting though? Just like really scary like skulls and stuff.

Yeah, they're all like goth and LGBT. And skull, the goth crossover is like crucial, I guess.

We need queer elders now more than ever.

I've been at bars when running clubs come in. Afterwards, you don't need to tell me twice that they're a little dumb. Yeah, I know.

I'm not invested at this time.

I can't wait to have some money to put in there when things chill out.

Thank you.

It's a new one for... for fishing...

El Salvador.

There's maybe 20 bucks in there. Yeah, I understand.

Basketball.

Thank you, guys. It's not as easy as it looks.

Bit of a genius.

Why can't they make more of the buff guy? Just some of my friends are asking.

We could always go for a couple more.

I think boys are an incredible resource, and if you're using dating for anything other than to learn information, then you're missing part of the point. They can be so helpful. I just broke up with someone before we enter a recession. Do you know how many questions I'm going to have to send to my dad instead? That's such a bummer.

I think they're incredible.

People who do their own taxes are also sexier because they're probably in a lot of trouble with the law, which is always hot. If you're on the run, that is so... You're on the run.

You have to say it's true.

After their Xbox exploded at a sleepover, a group of 11-year-old boys from Syosset, New York, resorted to watching an old Sherlock's Home DVD, which caused a new obsession that is a huge mystery to their parents. The six boys who attended Frankie Giovanni's 11th birthday party have begun collecting tobacco pipes and smoking jackets. Each boy has amassed dozens of velvet, silk, and satin jackets.