Ben Hart
Appearances
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
You can't say, once I get into Harvard, then I'll change. No, it's you have to say, okay, if I want to be that, how would somebody like that carry herself? How would she make decisions? What would she put up with? What would she not put up with?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I'm going to tell you, a lot of people that are in that framework of commitment or one would call maybe wife or a husband wouldn't put up with certain behaviors that are not conducive for long-term success inside a relationship. And that means no long-term situationships. You don't need to do all this stuff. And they would communicate thoroughly.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
They wouldn't be doing all this fuckery shit that I – excuse my language, that I always see happen. And then blame the guy because he was a narcissistic, manipulative dude.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
An example of like what I hear?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Well, I was seeing this guy for, you know, this guy is nine years older than me. I was seeing this guy for six and a half months. And now he's telling me that he doesn't know if he wants to commit. He's still feeling things out. And I don't know what to do here at this point. How do I get him to commit? I said, well, you can't get him to commit, number one.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I think that dating, specifically for a lot of people, is difficult because they've developed a structure around a lot of other aspects of their life, like their work and their school and their gym routines. There's a lot of structure associated with it. You do X, you get Y. And I think that with dating, there's not a lot of structure. A lot of people have this really unique Disney...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But number two, you stayed in a situationship way too long. You shouldn't have been in situationship. You should have required commitment in order to continue this thing at month two and a half, max three. if that's what you wanted. And especially, you know, it might be a little bit different, right?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I say that, I'm giving a specific example right now, but if somebody, if a young girl says, hey, you know, I would like to have a family and I'd like to get married, then that is pretty much a line you should start to draw.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Now, if it's not that big of a deal, if you already have kids and he already has kids and you guys just want to find somebody to share your life with, the rules can kind of bend and twist a little bit. But at the same time, you should still be transparent and communicative about those things that are important to you. So that's kind of one situation I can kind of outline.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
fairy tale attached to how it should happen. And not a lot of people actually like to think about dating so strategically. And I get, I get why it's not an attractive thing to be like, Oh, what do you mean? I got to do this, this, and this. I'm like, well, you don't have, no, you don't have to do anything.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But if you think about it a little bit more strategically without focusing on the hard truths of the details, just strategically framework. And then like, think about how to progress that aspect of your life. Like, you know, if you don't think about dating or dating fundamentally with more purpose or more intention, then I don't, I don't see how you just expect things to happen.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I completely agree, by the way. As far as the marriage thing goes, that's like a different category. I think you got to get to know people a little bit. And, you know, I personally, especially for somebody in their 30s, I give it around like a year before he figures out if he wants to marry her or vice versa. But at the same time, right, on the flip side of it is like,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
When I say hard line in the sand, I mean, a hard line is kind of the way you communicate that hard line. Some people are like, oh, I don't do this past that. And that's probably not going to make somebody very interested to keep continuing with you anyway. But if you voice...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And if you communicate thoroughly about what it is you're looking for, like, hey, I've been having a really good time with you. I really enjoy this. But at this moment, I am looking for commitment to go things forward. That's really important to me. If that's not where you're at, I totally get that. But that's just kind of what I'm going to need to move forward. If that's not it, I totally get it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
that's a different perspective to have after, you know, 10, 12 weeks. And he's not saying he's going to marry you. He's saying, yes, I want to commit to you because commitment is on a route to like maybe something a little bit deeper than that. And so I think that's very important. I think it's important to have intentions and purpose, but I'll just understand that like, yeah,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
There's a way to communicate those things that makes somebody respect it and say, yeah, that makes sense. Like some guys don't really see commitment in the way that a lot of girls do. Some guys, if they hang out with you long enough, they'll just be like, yeah, we're in a relationship. We just never talked about it. Why do we need to talk about it?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Whereas a lot of girls are like, no, we kind of need to communicate about it because I want to know. I want to feel secure that when I'm with you, you're not seeing anybody else. I'm not seeing anybody else. And the investment makes sense to me. So there's partially that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I think that if you communicate some of that a little more thoroughly and have some expectations so he understands where you're coming from, and if he doesn't want to, then cool, he doesn't want to. But marriage, I think, is a little bit more longer. But even just the first level of commitment.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
If a guy doesn't know if he wants to commit to you after three months, I mean, that's kind of a problem, especially in your 30s.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I think the one I just kind of mentioned seems to work very well with people because it's letting them know that you don't want to last in a situationship because you're looking for other things in your life. But if that's what he's looking for, no problem. That's like a soft line that you're trying to draw because you should have some boundary here.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Like you don't want to continue in these long situationships and then waste. All of a sudden you get in one, two, three situationships and all of a sudden you got like three or four years out of a prime moment for you. I don't think that's fair enough, right? And I think that you need to communicate it in a way that's understanding.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And after you've vetted a little bit, a lot of women that I speak to are trying to figure out commitment a little too soon. Like a couple of weeks in, they're like, well, I don't know. You think he's going to come in? I'm like, well, you're still vetting him. You're still going to get to know him. And that's why I kind of give the framework of like the two and a half, three month mark. Because...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
It's fair enough if you guys have one, maybe two dates a week at that point. That's a good 12, et cetera, dates in there at minimum. And if he doesn't know if he wants to commit to you by then, you kind of have to make a call on that. And you can't just say, he should have done it. Well, he's not in control of your life, and he might see things very differently.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
So you should take control of your life and kind of do something about it. It doesn't have to be a hard line, but it has to be like, hey, if this is not going to continue, I totally get it. That's fair. That's respectable. And he can only say, well, I really respect that, even if he didn't want to.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
What do I see? It depends, right? I think this like idea of,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
femininity and masculinity has gotten a little overplayed but you can kind of see them go both sides right i can see you see more productive successful women in the workplace that have kind of developed what one would call or consider a little bit more of masculine traits and maybe you've seen that as a result as a response a lot of guys have sat back a little bit more and not been overly aggressive in their pursue in some sense because of a variety of reasons which we can get into but
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I've seen a little bit of that, right? You've seen a little bit more of a lighter pull on men just because of like their jobs per se and what they do. And maybe the testosterone is going down. All these things are playing a role. And, you know, hypergamy tends to be typically more real than not. And there is that. And that affects how women and men choose for sure.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
That's a really hard balance. I'm not going to lie about that, right? Because guys don't have that same problem. So I have to acknowledge that first. Women tend to have that problem because they think of it as like a switch. I don't think of it as like a switch. I think of it as like you can... By the way, some of the most productive, successful women I know are...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
highly actually more in their feminine because in my opinion i feel like the feminine controls the chessboard and they some people haven't really figured out how to use and they use it as like a competitive streak to like compete with men and then they want to like shut off the switch and that's difficult i think setting off that switch is hard to do and i don't think that's easy and i think about it very differently i think about you can be this way and you don't have to see a lot of girls will come in and say well he didn't make me feel like i could be feminine enough
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I said, well, why is it so conditional? Why is your femininity so conditional? If a guy said this to you, you'd laugh him out the room. Well, she didn't make me feel good enough to make me be my masculine. You'd be like, come on. And I understand that there's traits of masculinity that go into your job and everything else.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But you have to understand also, too, a lot of times you have that framework when you're meeting new guys. Some guys look right past you because of that, because of how hard you are on the outside and more like that. Some guys, the guys that most of the women actually looking at are going to look past them just because it doesn't it's not not the most attractive thing on a superficial.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And now if they get to know them, fair enough. But you can't assume that somebody has to break those walls down so quick right off the bat.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
yeah and i'm not gonna lie like i'm not a femininity coach so i don't like teach them all these details about how to be more feminine i think that would be a little bit out of my league if i'm being honest so i kind of i feel like i kind of know my limits like even people call into my stream like i have a live stream that i do on tick tock monday through thursday and they're they'll go they'll start going into like childhood stuff i'm like listen i'm not a therapist i'm not gonna lie to you i'm gonna stop this right here because
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
One, I'm not qualified. Two, I don't talk about relationships. And three, I don't talk about marriage, specifically the early stage dating. And I think that's important because the early stage is like, how do you start to attract the kind of guy you want? And I think a lot of the qualities I was talking about being just a little bit more
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I guess we use these buzzwords like feminine or a little bit more softer, a little more open, a little more caring, a little more present. You're presenting in that light as opposed to presenting like you're a ball buster. And I think that when guys sense the ball busting, they tend to leave.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Oh, for sure. I mean, I talk about a lot of different things, right? So a couple things I kind of made up along the way, which is the pest, which I originally talked about before, like the basics fundamentals of flirting. And I talk about the devil bag, Bonnie, which is like eye contact and looking back when you pass a dude, you know, you make eye contact, you pass him, you look back.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
It's like giving the keys to the key. I talk about a lot of different ways to flirt, but I always talk about breaking the touch barrier. Eye contact, smile, and breaking the touch barrier, specifically on date one or after date one, are little things that you will start to see how fast they start to ignite men to want to do more for you. And I feel like when you don't have those tools...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
it's harder to get men to be like, oh yeah, I really want to step up. Because honestly, yeah, a lot of men are a little bit driven by ego, but they're driven also a little bit by like, they want to be able to do something here. And if they don't feel like they can do, there's very little, there's little ambition to want to do. So I think that's important.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
That's why I kind of, like I always talk about like, you know, when you're walking next to him, grab, hook his arm, like little things like that, they're going to make a huge difference in how he treats you moving forward. So I talk about those things, which I feel like you could say it could play a little bit in being a little more feminine, but it's really just being more open and flirty.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I don't know. I mean, listen, I could see, I could see a woman's perspective on that, but like, where's the L like, where's the L like, what's the fear of like, what's the fear associated with it? I'm just trying to understand. I get these questions all the time.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I talk about it all the time, but like, where's the, what's the L you're fearing is that they don't look like you it's the, sometimes it's like the story that's being framed about what's happening here. And like, this story is like, one story is, Oh, if I try and I don't get it, damn, that's just, that hits me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I think that part of the thing is that guys are so accustomed to failure in some way, especially when it comes to this, like they get shut down so much. Even the most like good looking, thorough, he gets shut down too. Believe it or not, he gets shut down more than a lot of women think.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I think that if you redefine the story of like looking back or giving a look or just presenting yourself in an open manner or even just even saying hi, oh my God, I know crazy, crazy theory. But even that is like when you reframe it to being like, oh, I'm just going to be like a exuberant, nice human being. as opposed to like trying to like get and measure every little outcome of your look.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Like that doesn't make a lot of sense because of course you're going to look back at some point and the guy's not going to be looking back. What is that going to like put a thorn through your heart or something? Like what's happening here? This is just part of the thing, right? And like, it's not like women haven't always done this in the past too. They've given some eye contact.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
They used to drop the handkerchief. Like all these things are very real. Would they always work out? No, but that's a part of the interaction between men and women, you know?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah. And I get the fear. Like I taught so many women to say, now women tell me that they don't even look at the guys. They're like, They can look at the guys they're not that interested in, but the guys we're interested in, they just totally avoid eye contact with them. And I said, well, I don't understand.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Like the waffle brain of mine doesn't really get that, but I get why that maybe makes sense for you. But for any guy, like, I don't understand that at all. It makes no sense. And because of, right. We were talking about before, maybe guys have gotten a little more hesitant to approach girls for a variety of reasons, but you could argue, yes, guys have gotten a little, uh,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
a little more risk adverse in that sense, but also on the flip side of that, and this is not me defending guys because I've met a ton of dweebs and bums and everything else. But on the flip side of that, I have to mention that, you know, when guys are on social, just like a lot of girls are, they see a lot of women, uh,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
kind of talking shit about a lot of men basically saying like oh they're putting their hinge profiles up to saying this creep was in this gym looking at me and they get this reinforced into their system and they're like i ain't gonna do that fuck that i'm not putting i'm not getting from her to talk so there's there's there's this hesitancy with being a little too much where some girls would be like oh what are you doing that happens even just saying hi that happens
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Now, again, there's a line to be drawn where guys don't know how to come off and they can do some stupid shit. Of course they can. But there is a hesitancy also because of that moment, too, whereas they're fearful of some girl going on and talking shit about them or her entering the group chat. This guy was a creep. So there's the hesitancy there.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Thank you, Heather. You're just, you know, the way that you hype it up, you're just such a stage person. I love it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I think it depends, right? That would really depend on how long we're talking. Like if she's been seeing him for like four months or if she's been seeing him like two weeks.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Two months. So he starts to pull back. So he's pulling back, like not talking to her for a week. All right. And he was talking to her for more than that before. Yeah. So something changed.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Right. That just means he's losing interest. It means he's lost interest or he's losing interest or he found some... Most of the time, that's typically the case. When a guy starts pulling back and he had an energy at first and that energy changed, for whatever reason, it doesn't necessarily have to be her even.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
It could just be like, well, I just don't see myself getting down on my knee for this girl. And maybe...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
there's a lot of factors i might he's not gonna slam the door shut a lot of guys keep the crack open but they're not gonna like hey this isn't working out it happens but it's rare it happens but it's just not as common whereas a lot of guys will keep the door open and sometimes yeah they may find their attention going elsewhere maybe there's another girl that's taking up their time and energy and they're like okay well i don't i just don't feel over her as much but i'm not gonna be like i don't like you because x y and z
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah. The second one is very valid. I agree with you that he could have gotten really close, but not necessarily freaked out of success, just freaked out of the fact that he like didn't see, he probably didn't see a future. And he's like, I don't want to get any closer because it feels like, but also feels like maybe I should take a step back here. That's possible.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
The first one, would you say again, the first one that, uh,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, and listen, by the way, I don't disagree with that. You know, here's the thing, right? Like that could always be the case. And depending on the phase of life, depending if he has kids, like these things matter, right? Like you're talking about a guy who's like living in the city at like 32. You're talking about a guy that's like has a house and he's 55 or 60 and he has kids.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Like these two different scenarios and I want to separate those. But either way, right? Let's just say, and this is a classic example too. So this is good to actually talk about. Either way this goes, right? We can come up with theories and we can say, hey, this is the reason and that's the reason and that's the reason.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And maybe some of those are going to overlap to be correct, but who knows until it's communicated. So I value communication. I put it very high and I agree with you. I think that if you want to find out, go find out. And that means, hey, like you just said, hey, I was going to put your face in the milk cart and haven't seen in a while. Like there's nothing wrong with that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
There's just like a fear attached to that, just like there's a fear of making eye contact with a dude. It's like, well, I don't want to not hear from him. Then I'm going to have to sit in my room and just pout for a week because I can't figure out what about me he doesn't like. There's a lot of associations with that story.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But either way this goes, you have to have enough kind of like yes in you to say, okay, let me reach out. Because I'm not the guy to be like, oh, just ghost his ass. I don't believe in that shit. Like if you're, especially if you're starting to talk to somebody and it's been like two months, like you're already getting accustomed to getting in the routine. What's the problem with communicating?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
So I'm big on communication. So I don't disagree with actually both of those things you said. So like it could be he lost interest. Could be he's seeing another girl. Could be he's going through something. It could be all those things. And all those things are valid, but unless you like are willing to communicate, especially at two months in to figure out what it is.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, that's a good question. By the way, shout out to Vanessa. Shout out to Vanessa. Give her a little shout. Where did it come from? You know, honestly, I came from the entrepreneurship space. I had a startup in my 20s, and we merged with a media company.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And by the way, you reach out and he doesn't get back to you or he gets back to you days later, you know, you know, and then you can say, okay, well now I've put my best foot forward. I tried and now I can, I can just say, okay, well, it's not going to work out and that's okay. But at least you know that you don't have to live in regret. Like, why didn't I even ask the dude?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
oh yeah big time like you know for the level of anxiety that a lot of women that i speak to have their fear of communicating exceeds that it's like there's just high level of fear associated with saying something that's going to scare them off i'm like what do you think he's gonna get scared off from your communication if he gets scared off from your communication he doesn't like you like that like we have to kind of make decisions kind of in some capacity right and like how could you even move forward without saying to yourself well at least i tried
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I don't know. I think that's with everybody, guys too. If they have an inability to communicate something and they're not communicating, everyone would just be like, you're soft. What is your issue?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
A hundred percent. And this is kind of like in your expertise as well, I'm sure, especially with the confidence building, you know, but a lot of it is that story. And I always go back to that because this is a typical topic that I always hear is like, well, that means this and that means this. We can all draw these assumptions.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And then I started doing some consulting, and I was doing some content around high-level perfect development, which is kind of like where my book, I wrote a book called A Zero Mindset back in 2021. And, you know, kind of like it was around recalibrating points of zeros in your life so you can develop a different mindset, you know, risk assessment, ideas of failure, what that meant, redefining it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Well, there's a story that's attached to the reason why you're not doing something. And I think you need to tell a different story. You need to say, well, maybe, you know what, maybe I'm going to go and be my best self and I'm going to communicate thoroughly. And if somebody doesn't want to communicate that thoroughly, then maybe that's not for me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
There's a more empowering way to deal with this as opposed to just being so fearful all the time. You can't kind of scare a guy that likes you away because you communicate. I don't see that ever happening.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
if you've just gotten your heart broken, that's one thing, then maybe you need to take a little bit off and like, okay, I need to regain yourself and refocus a little bit.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But like, I'm not a big proponent of like taking a lot of time off because a lot of people get really engulfed in routines and they get very comfortable in their own routines and they find it very difficult to now actually do something that's in their favor. That's going to be their benefit, even though they know it's going to be in the benefit.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But when I talk about confidence specifically, what I talk about is building momentum within confidence. So I talk about bits of progress. And I always say, stop thinking about the big, gigantic goal and really start the smallest bit of progress. example, small bit of progress. Okay. You're an introvert. You're an avoidant, whatever we want to call you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And you're inside and you have a very difficult time interacting with people. Small bit of progress is literally just going around certain guys, small bit, one bit next time. Okay. The next time is just, just literally looking at a dude, small bit of progress. And all of a sudden you start to see the benefit of all these small bits of progress.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And that kind of starts to build a viable course of momentum for,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
for you and the momentum starts to actually build confidence but you kind of you don't want to overwhelm people by being like you got to go in here and look at them and smile at them and stand next to them they're gonna be like i would never do that but just you know just get off your couch number one get outside and just take a walk number two when you see a guy maybe just stand next to him for a second and pretend you're number three like these small bits of progress tend to work right and i've worked with women who've been like i'm just really afraid to like
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
you know i don't want to go out alone or with a friend and actually focus on this i said okay well you don't have to you know you could just you do what you you do what you want to do but there's a beautiful thing that many women have said you know what benny i can't believe it actually i just went to the bar and the story about going to like a restaurant let's just say for example there's a story like i don't want to go to a restaurant and be that girl i was like no no you're just going to a restaurant to have a dish or to grab a
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
You're not going for a specific, you're just placing yourself. You're not even doing anything. I don't want you to do anything. Just go. The smallest bit. And then all of a sudden, things just start happening because they just have one bit of progress. And then, by the way, not even the fact that a guy comes up to you. A guy can just look at you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And all of a sudden, a woman who has been out of the dating scene for like 20 years, I've worked with plenty of them, but they've had this moment where it's like, I don't know how to date. It's so new. It's so different.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And it kind of like niched itself into the dating world. Like I've been... I'm fascinated with the details and the intricacies of interaction, specifically in the context of attraction and dating. So I find that I've always found that super fascinating to me. I've been like, you know, and I have my own personal history of dating in New York for over 20 years.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Just putting yourself in a position where you dress up nice, you go out, you just have an hour to yourself out and you get one look from a guy and all of a sudden you're like, wow, you know, he didn't do anything, but I kind of like the look. And then you go back next time and the guy smiled at me and he was talking to me, but he didn't ask my number, but I liked it. It was really good.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Those are the momentum pieces. And I just find that when you overwhelm the story with all the expectations you have, you tend to fall short of all of them. And it's really important to detach from an outcome, but just start getting engulfed in embracing the process of putting yourself in position.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Totally. And that's where I stem from. Like when I wrote the book, I've been in like the startup business world a little bit, but like, that's kind of where this came from. It was more like, honestly, like I'm not, I don't say anything innovator. Like it's really sometimes like my delivery is a little bit different, but like, it's nothing innovative. It's very, very like fundamental.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
It's like very fundamentally basic. I'm like getting specific outcomes and kind of getting engulfed in the process and enjoying the moment and having fun and doing those things. And then I think that dating specifically for a lot of people is, is difficult because they've developed a structure around a lot of other aspects of their life, like their work and their school and
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
and their gym routines. Like there's a lot of structure associated with like, you do X, you get Y. And I think that with dating, there's not a lot of structure. A lot of people have this really unique Disney story fairy tale attached to how it should happen. And not a lot of people actually like to think about dating strategically.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I get, I get why it's not an attractive thing to be like, Oh, what do you mean? I got to do this, this, and this. I'm like, well, you don't have, no, you don't have to do anything. But if you think about it a little bit more,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
strategically without focusing on the hard truths of the details just strategically framework and then like think about how to progress that aspect your life like you know if you don't think about
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
dating or dating fundamentally with more purpose or more intention and i don't i don't see how you just expect things to happen i don't know no other part of your life do you kind of expect things to happen and i think that it's kind of like a rewire of like well maybe i need to put some focus on it because dating has changed so drastically over the last decade that maybe it's worth with the abundance realm of what of availability of people online and the attention you get how do you start to focus that into a place where you can start to get some momentum
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
in dating to your point by the way it's just very fundamental it's not like anything crazy no and i and i love that because it's doable and you can see how you've done it in other aspects of your life so why couldn't you do it in this aspect as well right and i just think a lot of people don't like to think of it that way that's my point it's like it's it's it's supposed to be romantic it's supposed to be gray and mysterious and undefined and beautiful and not so thought through
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Oh, a lot longer. And, like, you know, I always talk about, like, there's people who operate like leafs, you know, and I use this term because it's like leafs. Like, whatever way the wind blows, I blow. You know, what are you looking for? Whatever. I don't know. We'll see. And that's okay. If you don't have any wants and desires, nobody's going to pressure you to want that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Like I kind of understand some of the things, you know, and that's what kind of makes it maybe more unique than some others is that I try to make it fun. And I started doing dating specific content in, what was it, 2021? Three end of 2023. So I kind of took the content I was doing, which was very general, high level personal development.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But, like, just nobody wants to hear it later. That's all. We just don't want to hear... I don't know why it didn't happen, but like, you know what I mean? That's all.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I would say the one piece of advice, if I have any advice is honestly consume less and have some fun. And I think we've gotten to a consumer culture when it comes to paying advice and getting input from people online and friend groups. And you're, you're overly bombarded.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
comes to this aspect of life and it's kind of paralyzing people and it's making people very fearful and scared and you know one woman asked me on a podcast before she said well you know why should women listen to us and i don't think they should matter of fact they'd be better off just not listening to anybody and just going to live their life and having some fun and without over complicating all this because the more you consume all of a sudden everything becomes a problem you're over analyzing everything but i heard online what do you have to say about that i don't have anything to say just go live your life
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
How about that? Just don't listen to anybody. You'll be so much better off. Like part of my stuff is like, I don't, even when I take my one-on-ones, I don't get you on one time with you. I don't need any more. We don't need to do this every week. If you want to, fantastic. But this is not, this is not what I'm doing here. Reframe it a little bit and then you go live your life.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Don't overcomplicate this.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, I appreciate that. And thank you for summarizing it up. It actually beautifully said, you can find me at Benny Inc. B-E-N-N-Y-I-N-C on Instagram, on TikTok. And I have a dating with purpose community that anybody can sign up for. It's a subscription, but anybody can sign up for it on my website, bennyhartink.com. And that's it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
You're the best, Heather. Thank you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
You know, it was just a little too gray, if I'm being honest. And I understood that, too. But when I started to say, you know, I said, OK, let me just talk about the shit I really want to talk about. And I use TikTok as a playground for that. And then the first day I did, it just kind of started to go. And then I realized.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
that obviously the you know the dating niche is a very interesting one but i realized that i was going to quadruple down on something that i feel like if you just asked me a question i could just kind of go on whereas some other topics i was like all right let me think about one two three these are kind of things i can kind of just flow with it became more of like a flow state thing for me and that's kind of just how it really started and then you know everything for me over the last year and some change has been a result of me using tick tock as a playground
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, it was like a point of zero for me. I didn't know what to expect here, right? Like it was, that's one of the reasons why TikTok was big for me because it was a place where nobody knew me. And that was really important because I didn't have an identity box I've already established. Like, you know, when you're on Instagram, all of a sudden you're a long lost ants there.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And then like other people are starting to be like, who's this dude now? You know, and TikTok was that thing for me. It was like, nobody knows me. Let me just say the shit I want to say and test it out there. And then when I did that, you know, after like nine, 10 months, then I brought it to Instagram.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, I felt like it gave me more. It took a while for me to gain the confidence to distribute it and talk about that around people I already knew. You know, like that's kind of the identity box, right? You establish an identity and it becomes a perceived risk when you're like, well, do I want to hop out of this box? And do I care? Why do I care? Which everybody cares to a degree.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And then, you know, there was a point that it came where once I started to get more wildly accepted, I started to care a little bit less. Yeah.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
I think so. At least for me, it was. I think it is. I think depending how deep engulfed you are in an identity, I think it could be more risky for people.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, for sure. And that takes some time sometimes with people, right? Like different people have different, the way they absorb that kind of pressure or perceived pressure from society or their close circles. Yeah.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, yeah.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Quite honestly, I think it depends, right? But most of the women that do tend to follow me and the advice I tend to give, I would say from, you know, it kind of goes, right? To give you an example, I have one in my group that's 78. It does span a little bit depending on where you're at, right?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And most people that are starting to want to date more intentionally or with purposes, I like to call it, are people that have kind of gotten past the fun moments and want to take things a little bit more serious now. And that tends to be more around like 28 to 55, if I were to give like an average age.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, I think the women dating thing has been very interesting for me because that became a very quick focus point of mine because I realized that their troubles are very different from a lot of the male troubles, especially in that age bracket that they want to start taking things a little more seriously. And when they, you know, there's a struggle.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
So I always kind of say this reference for men, it's most of the time, it's about their struggle is getting to date one. And for women, their struggle is typically past date one or three. And they're trying, because they've already kind of chosen a guy that has, you know, they've
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
let's say they've cut 45 out of the 50 that have come at them, approached them, but the five that they've chosen, they start to get a little more invested in when they start to go out with them. So two specific struggles.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Number one is navigating after date one, which is like how to maintain, how to not get so attached to an outcome, how to stop telling stories about what's going on and what's not going on. Whereas I think guys have a little bit less of that as a problem.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And number two, what I see being the bigger issue is sometimes a lot of women can get in their own way in terms of being approachable or open for the kind of guy they want. So those are the two things. It's like being approachable and open to the kind of guy you want, kind of like low-key choosing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And then the other part is kind of like keeping and maintaining early stage up and not driving yourself crazy.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
feedback in terms of like, what do people think of them?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Well, number one, I think that they get very confused because they're trying to figure out how does the guy feel? What does this mean when he does this? What happens when I don't talk to him for a week? The reality is there's two things that qualify a guy showing interest that means he's interested. Number one, does he take you out?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And if he doesn't take you out, it's really irrelevant at that point. And number two, is there some realm of does it get to a place where he's showing committed behaviors and it leads to some kind of commitment? Because most of them I talk to are always looking for some sort of commitment. They don't want to just be out here and dilly-dallying.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
and have a good time because then at some point they actually do get a little bit more attached to this guy and they actually don't want to date four or five others they're looking for one dude that they really like that's one number two is one of the things i always emphasize is you know i talk about past proximity eye contact smile those are the three kind of like buckets that i put in for like sending choosing signals stop being so face down because a lot of guys are not going to approach women who are not approachable now sure there's a select few of women that are going to get approached no matter what they do
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But that's not a majority of women. And people have to understand that maybe you don't live in that category. Maybe you have to actually be a little more approachable, friendly, make some eye contact, crack a smile here and there, get around him. That's why I call it past proximity, eye contact, smile.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
So those are the kinds of things I typically tend to, the intricacies and the nuances of being approachable. And then like the framework of how to maintain the interest post date one. And sometimes, yes, I advise getting a little flirty, but also understand that like, Don't get so attached to a specific outcome, like trying to close a deal. Like, we're not closing a deal here.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
You're vetting him, too. And sometimes people forget that. They forget that once they choose, they think, oh, I kind of like this guy. But you're vetting him, too, along the way. You should be seeing his behaviors as they unfold, as he's doing for you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Yeah, and I think that's an important question to ask. And, you know, it's also an important question to ask is when you consider, like, okay, I want X. I want X type of guy. What does X type of guy want? And I'm going to tell you, not a lot of women ask that question. That I could definitely tell you. They don't ask the question of the kind of guy I want, what is he looking for?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And I think it's... Listen, I think that a lot of women that I speak to, a lot that are on my channel, it's difficult because when you're in a place where you've never really had to like understand men, you know, because a lot of men kind of have to understand the basics of women just to get to first date. Which is like, well, what's going to turn on? Why did I just turn her off?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Like, why did she turn me down there? Like, what was the deal? There's a part of them that have to be that. And when you've never really had to understand men, when you choose the guy, all of a sudden you have to understand their behaviors a little bit more and make some good decisions. And sometimes that can be difficult for people. So I try to make it fun.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
But my method is essentially it's all about, you know, I'm very big on accountability. So I do put the mirror up to a lot of people. And I'm not a big back rubber person. And not to say that I couldn't be, but on my one-on-ones, I definitely am. I'm understanding and empathetic. But in general, you kind of have to look in the mirror.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
If you keep attracting F-boy, I mean, there's a common denominator here. And you can't just be thinking about it's everybody else's problem. And I think that's very empowering. And I think that that can kind of get... the message can get a little diluted if you're not considering it actually an empowering thing that you actually have more control than you think.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Totally. And like, you know, I don't my point is I also don't want to see people get caught up in this like victimhood of like, you know, for example, there's plenty of them. But like I give you one like, you know, there's OK, a guy was I was in a situationship with a guy for six months. I don't know what to do. I'm like, why would you be in a situation for six months?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
You know, like that right there is a basic level of like framework of accountability. Like you don't do six month situationships with a dude when you're looking for commitment as a whole doesn't work. The fact that you actually had control whether this goes to a situationship or not. It's not just on the man because he led you down a situationship. You kind of stayed.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
A situationship is basically anything besides relationship. And if we're getting very general about that, that's a very general framework, right? Like it's anything besides relationship. You know, you hang out a lot, no commitment. You do friendly stuff together. It's, you know, maybe you sleep together or whatever. But there's all these other things where there's no commitment.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
And that's what most people would call it's a situationship, kind of.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Correct. Not having that conversation. See, like if you're somebody that cares about it, right? Like if you're somebody who says, yeah, you know, for example, let's say most women that call in, yes, I am looking for, you know, I would like a commitment that leads to marriage one day and I would like to have a family. Let's just give a classic example.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
#520 What He’s Really Thinking in the First 3 Dates: Flirting, Communication & Navigating the Early Days of Dating with Dating Strategist Ben Hart
Okay, there's an identity that happens, right? You have, this is the way I like to think about it, the way I always talk about it and teach it is there's outcome. And then there's, who do I need to become to get outcome? And just like anything else, right? Like if you want to get into Harvard, you got to become Harvard student first before you get into Harvard.