Beverly Gooden

I'm not okay with abuse. And it's the abuse that needs to be named and confronted.

I'm not okay with abuse. And it's the abuse that needs to be named and confronted.

Yeah, mutual abuse in this context is basically saying that Diddy and his partner or Diddy and the people involved in the situation were abusive toward each other, allegedly. And I think it's important to clarify that mutual abuse is not a true concept. Abuse is about a pattern of behavior designed to maintain control over another person. And so even if both people engage in harmful behaviors.

Yeah, mutual abuse in this context is basically saying that Diddy and his partner or Diddy and the people involved in the situation were abusive toward each other, allegedly. And I think it's important to clarify that mutual abuse is not a true concept. Abuse is about a pattern of behavior designed to maintain control over another person. And so even if both people engage in harmful behaviors.

One is typically the abuser controlling the situation. I find that many people don't fully understand that abuse is about power. It's about control, manipulation, not just physical violence or aggression. So the focus should always be on understanding the context and power dynamics that are at play.

One is typically the abuser controlling the situation. I find that many people don't fully understand that abuse is about power. It's about control, manipulation, not just physical violence or aggression. So the focus should always be on understanding the context and power dynamics that are at play.

Yeah, I find that what often gets labeled as mutual abuse is more accurately a trauma response. And so the science shows that being in an abusive relationship literally rewires your brain. It changes your brain chemistry. That's what PTSD is. You start living in survival mode and your body and mind adjusts. to that constant threat.

Yeah, I find that what often gets labeled as mutual abuse is more accurately a trauma response. And so the science shows that being in an abusive relationship literally rewires your brain. It changes your brain chemistry. That's what PTSD is. You start living in survival mode and your body and mind adjusts. to that constant threat.

So what people see from the outside looking in is, yeah, you might act defensive. You might lash out. You might shut down. And so it looks like there is harm going both ways. But it's not because you're trying to control anyone. It's because you're trying to cope. You're trying to stay safe. It's your nervous system literally doing what it was trained to do under pressure.

So what people see from the outside looking in is, yeah, you might act defensive. You might lash out. You might shut down. And so it looks like there is harm going both ways. But it's not because you're trying to control anyone. It's because you're trying to cope. You're trying to stay safe. It's your nervous system literally doing what it was trained to do under pressure.

The thing that I always say is that trauma responses can cause harm. And I think that's what the public is seeing when they see or when they hear about even someone lashing back or lashing out at the abusive partner. But that's not the same thing as being abusive. Harm is not abuse. Conflict is not abuse. Abuse is about power and control. It is a pattern, not just messy behavior on both sides.

The thing that I always say is that trauma responses can cause harm. And I think that's what the public is seeing when they see or when they hear about even someone lashing back or lashing out at the abusive partner. But that's not the same thing as being abusive. Harm is not abuse. Conflict is not abuse. Abuse is about power and control. It is a pattern, not just messy behavior on both sides.

It frustrates me because I think survivors really deserve a society that can tell the difference between the two.

It frustrates me because I think survivors really deserve a society that can tell the difference between the two.

We often have a hard time believing that someone we hold in high esteem could be abusive. That and more after this quick break.

We often have a hard time believing that someone we hold in high esteem could be abusive. That and more after this quick break.

Yeah, the dynamics of abuse are really complex. I think one of the things I always talk about is that we're talking about human hearts here and we're talking about human hearts in distress. You know, I think just bringing it back to that really basic level, things can be confusing. You may want your partner to change or you think you can change them.

Yeah, the dynamics of abuse are really complex. I think one of the things I always talk about is that we're talking about human hearts here and we're talking about human hearts in distress. You know, I think just bringing it back to that really basic level, things can be confusing. You may want your partner to change or you think you can change them.

Just things like that that happen in most relationships, right? Add to that the dynamic of abuse. And abusive relationships aren't violent all the time. There are lives, laughs, and loves, right? I married my ex because I loved him. We had fun. We had beautiful moments and things felt good a lot.

Just things like that that happen in most relationships, right? Add to that the dynamic of abuse. And abusive relationships aren't violent all the time. There are lives, laughs, and loves, right? I married my ex because I loved him. We had fun. We had beautiful moments and things felt good a lot.

So I stayed with him because I hoped we could get back to that version of us before the violence started. And so other people stay for different reasons, financial stability, children, fear, right? Sometimes it's because they've been threatened or their children have been threatened.

So I stayed with him because I hoped we could get back to that version of us before the violence started. And so other people stay for different reasons, financial stability, children, fear, right? Sometimes it's because they've been threatened or their children have been threatened.

And I think if you don't understand course of control, it's really easy to miss how abuse can show up in quiet ways that make it hard to leave.

And I think if you don't understand course of control, it's really easy to miss how abuse can show up in quiet ways that make it hard to leave.

Yeah, something Lori said earlier that I think is really important is that the defense is banking on the fact that the rest of us may not understand the type of relationship that they have. And kink is not abuse, right? Like if you're in a relationship that participates in kink, then there is enthusiastic consent involved. From all parties.

Yeah, something Lori said earlier that I think is really important is that the defense is banking on the fact that the rest of us may not understand the type of relationship that they have. And kink is not abuse, right? Like if you're in a relationship that participates in kink, then there is enthusiastic consent involved. From all parties.

So we don't have to understand the details of these relationships to know that consent was not obtained here and consent should never be implied. Right. And so when it comes to the public's reaction and how this works. trickles down into the public, I find this sort of thing thrives where there is love or admiration involved, whether that's Diddy or your cousin, a family member or a friend.

So we don't have to understand the details of these relationships to know that consent was not obtained here and consent should never be implied. Right. And so when it comes to the public's reaction and how this works. trickles down into the public, I find this sort of thing thrives where there is love or admiration involved, whether that's Diddy or your cousin, a family member or a friend.

We often have a hard time believing that someone we hold in high esteem could be abusive, that the same hands that create art can also create terror. That's really hard to sit with. And I empathize with people who are working through that because I've been there.

We often have a hard time believing that someone we hold in high esteem could be abusive, that the same hands that create art can also create terror. That's really hard to sit with. And I empathize with people who are working through that because I've been there.

And I think a healthier way to deal with that hurt and confusion is to accept that someone can be good to you and still hurt someone else.

And I think a healthier way to deal with that hurt and confusion is to accept that someone can be good to you and still hurt someone else.

And it's OK to feel shocked and disappointed or even conflicted. I think that's OK. But for me, it helps to remove the language of good and bad when discussing people holistically and directly address the action. You are a person who made choices. And your choices were violent. And that violence has consequences. You being good or bad is irrelevant to me. I'm okay with duality.

And it's OK to feel shocked and disappointed or even conflicted. I think that's OK. But for me, it helps to remove the language of good and bad when discussing people holistically and directly address the action. You are a person who made choices. And your choices were violent. And that violence has consequences. You being good or bad is irrelevant to me. I'm okay with duality.

I'm not okay with abuse. And it's the abuse that needs to be named and confronted.

Yeah, mutual abuse in this context is basically saying that Diddy and his partner or Diddy and the people involved in the situation were abusive toward each other, allegedly. And I think it's important to clarify that mutual abuse is not a true concept. Abuse is about a pattern of behavior designed to maintain control over another person. And so even if both people engage in harmful behaviors.

One is typically the abuser controlling the situation. I find that many people don't fully understand that abuse is about power. It's about control, manipulation, not just physical violence or aggression. So the focus should always be on understanding the context and power dynamics that are at play.

Yeah, I find that what often gets labeled as mutual abuse is more accurately a trauma response. And so the science shows that being in an abusive relationship literally rewires your brain. It changes your brain chemistry. That's what PTSD is. You start living in survival mode and your body and mind adjusts. to that constant threat.

So what people see from the outside looking in is, yeah, you might act defensive. You might lash out. You might shut down. And so it looks like there is harm going both ways. But it's not because you're trying to control anyone. It's because you're trying to cope. You're trying to stay safe. It's your nervous system literally doing what it was trained to do under pressure.

The thing that I always say is that trauma responses can cause harm. And I think that's what the public is seeing when they see or when they hear about even someone lashing back or lashing out at the abusive partner. But that's not the same thing as being abusive. Harm is not abuse. Conflict is not abuse. Abuse is about power and control. It is a pattern, not just messy behavior on both sides.

It frustrates me because I think survivors really deserve a society that can tell the difference between the two.

We often have a hard time believing that someone we hold in high esteem could be abusive. That and more after this quick break.

Yeah, the dynamics of abuse are really complex. I think one of the things I always talk about is that we're talking about human hearts here and we're talking about human hearts in distress. You know, I think just bringing it back to that really basic level, things can be confusing. You may want your partner to change or you think you can change them.

Just things like that that happen in most relationships, right? Add to that the dynamic of abuse. And abusive relationships aren't violent all the time. There are lives, laughs, and loves, right? I married my ex because I loved him. We had fun. We had beautiful moments and things felt good a lot.

So I stayed with him because I hoped we could get back to that version of us before the violence started. And so other people stay for different reasons, financial stability, children, fear, right? Sometimes it's because they've been threatened or their children have been threatened.

And I think if you don't understand course of control, it's really easy to miss how abuse can show up in quiet ways that make it hard to leave.

Yeah, something Lori said earlier that I think is really important is that the defense is banking on the fact that the rest of us may not understand the type of relationship that they have. And kink is not abuse, right? Like if you're in a relationship that participates in kink, then there is enthusiastic consent involved. From all parties.

So we don't have to understand the details of these relationships to know that consent was not obtained here and consent should never be implied. Right. And so when it comes to the public's reaction and how this works. trickles down into the public, I find this sort of thing thrives where there is love or admiration involved, whether that's Diddy or your cousin, a family member or a friend.

We often have a hard time believing that someone we hold in high esteem could be abusive, that the same hands that create art can also create terror. That's really hard to sit with. And I empathize with people who are working through that because I've been there.

And I think a healthier way to deal with that hurt and confusion is to accept that someone can be good to you and still hurt someone else.

And it's OK to feel shocked and disappointed or even conflicted. I think that's OK. But for me, it helps to remove the language of good and bad when discussing people holistically and directly address the action. You are a person who made choices. And your choices were violent. And that violence has consequences. You being good or bad is irrelevant to me. I'm okay with duality.