Big Vinny

Hello, great people of Austin, Texas. And Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are Make-A-Wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody. Like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish.

Imagine you're the Make-A-Wish kid's dad, $50,000 in debt, swimming in medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time. You're in the room crying. That's so cute. Close the door, walk out. That sick sack of shit could have cleared my fucking debt. I would have brought him to the fucking theater one more time. I'm very Italian. There's more to that joke.

Do you want me to finish it? So yes, my father did beat my mother within an inch of her life.

Fuck yeah. What's happening? You're really Italian? Yup, and I love you guys, all of you. Fucking Teptar Parks is my fucking shit. Tony is the fucking man. You're the fucking goat.

What is that? It's a, you know, a parachute, you know, so I can save myself if I fall from a high building, if I want to kill myself after this, you know. Okay. All right. We'll see how it goes. It's been going well.

I haven't been weighed in a while. I'm excited.

Nothing right now. I need a job. I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs. Like what? What do you mean? What are you really good at?

I'm very athletic. I'll beat you in a race, Ari.

Guaranteed. Guaranteed. What? Fuck yeah. I'll fucking dust you. Yes. Yes.

Someone I went to school with did, but not me.

I always choose the highest apartments, so I have to walk up the stairs. I forced workout almost every day. And I go to the gym every once in a while, and I run with my Husky, and I think I can catch him. You run? Yeah, at the park with my dog. That's the only thing that forces me to run. You have a husky? Yep. So does he. Oh, shit.

Yes, I've been living here the past two and a half months. So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job? So I worked at an auction house before I moved here. He's been eating homeless people. Come here! Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily when you're walking down the street. It's like, another bedroom, Jesus. Oh my goodness.

So at first I started in the shipping department. I had experience, but those bastards put me at the lowest rung. And then I became a lister. You list all the sports cards and autographed items. Tekashi 6ix9ine baseball, shit like that. Okay, all right.

I can work a bitch's clit really good, like a smudge on a window.

I have not gotten anything out here yet, though. I've been talking to ladies. I could have secured some shit, but nothing yet. Have you kissed a girl in Austin?

I'm only 365 pounds!

White girls don't like me, Tony. It's mostly black chicks. I'm telling you, and there's no sisters in here. Is there any sisters? Unbelievable. Is there any single sisters in here? Come on.

The scales of justice. Did I kiss a teacher? Are you a teacher? I'm a violinist.

There was no kiss? I did it for the show. I'm not into you. Oh, big Vinny.

I'm an actual beautiful chick.

She's beautiful, too, but I'm not. Come on. Because you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue down your throat. What the fuck?

Big Vinny, how dare you? I kissed her, and then you're asking why I didn't go harder. I can get laid, bro. I've been laid. Don't need that. Vinny, it's been months. Yeah. What are you talking about? I turn it down. I'm not even fucking around.