Big Vinny
Appearances
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hello, great people of Austin, Texas. And Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are Make-A-Wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody. Like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Imagine you're the Make-A-Wish kid's dad, $50,000 in debt, swimming in medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time. You're in the room crying. That's so cute. Close the door, walk out. That sick sack of shit could have cleared my fucking debt. I would have brought him to the fucking theater one more time. I'm very Italian. There's more to that joke.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Do you want me to finish it? So yes, my father did beat my mother within an inch of her life.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Fuck yeah. What's happening? You're really Italian? Yup, and I love you guys, all of you. Fucking Teptar Parks is my fucking shit. Tony is the fucking man. You're the fucking goat.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What is that? It's a, you know, a parachute, you know, so I can save myself if I fall from a high building, if I want to kill myself after this, you know. Okay. All right. We'll see how it goes. It's been going well.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I haven't been weighed in a while. I'm excited.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Nothing right now. I need a job. I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs. Like what? What do you mean? What are you really good at?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I'm very athletic. I'll beat you in a race, Ari.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Guaranteed. Guaranteed. What? Fuck yeah. I'll fucking dust you. Yes. Yes.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Someone I went to school with did, but not me.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I always choose the highest apartments, so I have to walk up the stairs. I forced workout almost every day. And I go to the gym every once in a while, and I run with my Husky, and I think I can catch him. You run? Yeah, at the park with my dog. That's the only thing that forces me to run. You have a husky? Yep. So does he. Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yes, I've been living here the past two and a half months. So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job? So I worked at an auction house before I moved here. He's been eating homeless people. Come here! Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily when you're walking down the street. It's like, another bedroom, Jesus. Oh my goodness.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So at first I started in the shipping department. I had experience, but those bastards put me at the lowest rung. And then I became a lister. You list all the sports cards and autographed items. Tekashi 6ix9ine baseball, shit like that. Okay, all right.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I can work a bitch's clit really good, like a smudge on a window.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I have not gotten anything out here yet, though. I've been talking to ladies. I could have secured some shit, but nothing yet. Have you kissed a girl in Austin?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
White girls don't like me, Tony. It's mostly black chicks. I'm telling you, and there's no sisters in here. Is there any sisters? Unbelievable. Is there any single sisters in here? Come on.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The scales of justice. Did I kiss a teacher? Are you a teacher? I'm a violinist.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
There was no kiss? I did it for the show. I'm not into you. Oh, big Vinny.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
She's beautiful, too, but I'm not. Come on. Because you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue down your throat. What the fuck?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Big Vinny, how dare you? I kissed her, and then you're asking why I didn't go harder. I can get laid, bro. I've been laid. Don't need that. Vinny, it's been months. Yeah. What are you talking about? I turn it down. I'm not even fucking around.