Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 01/13/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Go to https://shopify.com/killtony to start selling with Shopify today. Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order through https://nykdpouches.com/tony - this special offer isn’t just for your first purchase… use this up to three times! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What are the special announcements for the Kill Tony Show?
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, you're here. Are you guys excited to be here? That's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Make some noise for them. You've been listening to them. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Charles Reid joining us on the drums tonight. Crushing it.
The male model Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys and Dee Madness on the bass guitar tonight. An unbelievable episode for y'all coming at you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, well, well. You know, every single week I am lucky to be able to book some of the funniest people in the world on this show. Sometimes it's up and coming talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first. Sometimes it is an old legend of comedy that's joining us.
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Chapter 2: Who are the featured comedians in this episode?
Tonight it is three of our favorite guests in the history of the fucking show. It doesn't get any better than this. As I bring to the stage, indeed, coming out, debuting with his newest Netflix special tonight at midnight, it's called America's Sweetheart. It is Ari Shaffir.
Shane Gillis! Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, and Mark Norman. Let's fucking go. We are in Austin, Texas. This episode brought to you by Shopify, PrizePix, BlueChew, and ZipRecruiter.
Oh my God. You are here in the vortex of comedy. Fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks, this is indeed the boys, Mark Normand, Shane Gillis, and Ari Shafir. American Sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. Americans or American? America's. America's Sweetheart. Belonging to America? Absolutely. That's me. That is you. The old red, white, and Jew. Mark Norman here. Sunglasses up.
Long day. Protect our parks. Five hour episode from what I'm understanding.
All profits go to the Maui fires. Yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking blacks. And brought to you by Bud Light. Shane Gillis is here, ladies and gentlemen. Three veterans of the show. You guys all know how it works. Who's on drums? That is Charles Reed. Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere. This band plays. A round of applause for Keith Urban.
Who gave to our folk? The band looks more urban. You got some new digs here, Tony. Like, nice new equipment. Yeah. Leveling up.
We're upgrading. Upgrading. We even got... Look at that. We got it all. We got a little fucking monitors here so that we can hear better for the first time ever.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of the Maui fire donations?
Just got to get rid of Red Band and we're moving.
Yeah. He's hanging on by a thread. Oh, my God. That would be the... All he does is press fucking bird buttons.
Oh, fuck!
He got you.
He got you bad on that. He got me...
I pre-pulled the first name. We've gone to wrangle them across the bar. It's all over you. A little brewski? Oh, yeah. One bud light down. Right on the new monitor. That's great. The table explodes.
Oh, yeah. It's on.
That green light means that there's power running to it.
That's my jizz rag.
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Chapter 4: How does the bucket pool segment work?
Okay. All right. Okay, you're really running with it there.
If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids? Yeah.
Some random black guy. One of the band members is going to knock him out.
I forgot about that. So what's been going on? Tell us about your life, Jack, since we've seen you last. Anything crazy happening?
Man, Aaron Belisle's been taking me on the road with him, dude. He's been fucking awesome to me. He's been really cool. All right, so you're opening for Aaron Belisle. Yeah, opening for a guy who can't talk. Do you ever walk in?
My fucking career's starting at the bottom, dude. You should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured. It's me, Aaron. I'm totally fine.
I love it. I love his audiences, man. I did a show with him in Sacramento, and this lady came up to me after the show, and she said, Jack, I love your comedy. You're such an inspiration to my son. He's also retarded.
Yeah, hopefully Aaron's audiences make more noise than he does.
What's that car ride like between the two of you?
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Chapter 5: What are the fun interactions with the audience?
If this was the Holocaust, Ari would be like, he's underneath the floorboards. Please, for the love of God, get him away from me.
Ari, you look like an anti-Semitic drawing of a Jewish person. You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! We're supposed to be friends! Look at your fucking face! God damn it!
Look at the Jews turning on each other. I don't know what to do.
Free Palestine! Don't free Palestine! Free Palestine! We don't know what to do, man.
That is quite an Iron Dome you got here. For real, though, you guys shouldn't free Palestine.
Yeah, I know. No, that's definitely true.
It's done!
Let's do it on the count of three, Ari. One, two, three. Free Palestine.
Go home. More free. It's all about free with you guys. Yeah, yeah.
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Chapter 6: What are the latest updates from the comedians?
Amazing.
Way better than it would have gotten. Amazing. What would you have done on the date? Who was it with? Just some lady on Hinge.
Okay. You've never been with her before? No, never. What was your big plan? What were you going to do with her?
I just get drinks at Las Perlas. Okay. Talking, chit-chatting stuff.
How does that normally go for you? You seem like you'd be an awkward date.
Yeah. Yeah, that happens. I'm an acquired taste.
Uh-huh.
30.
Wow. Hey, you're cute. That hair.
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Chapter 7: What humorous incidents happened during the show?
Look at that. Looks like he found a date after all. Shane wants to get some drinks at Perla's after that.
Absolutely.
I'm not going to say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight.
Going from a canceled date to being gangbanged by Protect Our Parks is not how I thought tonight was going to go. Hey, that's how we met Rogan.
How else has comedy been going, Andrew Tarr? What else is happening out there?
Just opening up for a couple of local people, opening up for a couple of... Going on the road?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where have you been? What do you like? What do you hate?
Oklahoma City, Tulsa. I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me. Can't exactly be picky.
Right, so just one state up, just a few hours away.
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Chapter 8: How does the episode wrap up?
Well.
Who's the Jew now, Tony?
I am. Because I don't even pay for these. These are made by the great Bones Eye. They're available at killmerch.com. Here's a big joke book. And I would love to have you on the secret show, man. Whoa. Book on the road. One retard, a.k.a. Whoa, there she is, the lovely Heidi, adding a little mustard to this sausage fest.
Can I get a cigar? Do you guys have cigars back there? Yeah, thanks. All right. Hell yeah.
What are you going to pull a Bill Clinton over there? What's going on?
That's a good idea. I'll jizz on the dress.
He's going to get one, too. We have 3,000 action stores in Europe and we celebrate with extremely low prices. For example, our Superfin Waschmittelpots, 18 pieces, only 2,99. And our Spectrum Sprühfarbe for perfect coverage, only 2,33. For even more extremely low prices, visit our stores or check out the app Action. Small prices, great fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name, and it looks like the type of name that I like out of a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny. Big Vinny. Let's see what happens here. Oh, yeah. It's Big Vinny.
Hello, great people of Austin, Texas. And Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are Make-A-Wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody. Like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish.
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