Shane Gillis
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Now I get it, Kirby. Now I get it. The second I'm calm and interested in the story just rips me for no reason.
I do like that. You think it's very funny when I do gay shit. When you do gay shit, I like it. Like what?
It's disgusting. We're all living in the same world.
Can you whack off?
I don't know. So we're talking about that. You got to try and stand. Yeah.
Like what? Like what?
Oh, man, that's so fucking gross. So, when would that happen? At what point in time would that happen?
But that's how I met him.
He's really good.
What? I ate these. You do enjoy that? But you have a girl, so now we're... Wait, wait, wait.
On Isis Toyota. Isis Toyota is unbelievable.
Welcome to the show.
Let's watch it. Let's watch it real quick. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gervs.
See, I'm telling you, it's a great fucking draw. It's still up there, bro.
Paint to the corner of the pentagon. Okay. Are we not getting that video up?
That is true.
Yeah.
I wasn't ready. I didn't know I was on. You didn't know you were working?
I was outside, dude. It's a window.
Goodbye.
He's just in the corner laughing.
click images and then just copy it and send it to your dad and see hey putting on his glasses no this does not work with my dad we did this we did this with my dad send guys naked ass He was like, Fred?
It's fun.
No. Imagine dragging these bulls on your fucking ass.
And he goes, the end of my dick in your mouth. The guy who works at MSG. What?
That was actually really funny.
And Al gets so uncomfortable. He doesn't know how to handle it.
Yeah.
Came through the roof? Came out of the roof.
Take it easy.
I had a pump on probably.
And the guy who's running the little TSA machine, he's seeing it. He's like, nah, this is going to get interesting tonight.
You told me you didn't kick a single person out of the bar.
It's just if it's the brands we like.
Surviving.
Who ate a tuna sandwich?
I'm definitely going to die in a hot tub. Okay, okay. What other activities would you like to do in New York that would drive Shane fucking crazy?
Yes, he does.
You hated it, and then everybody at the mat's like, I'm a fan. That's all intense.
He didn't even say that. He just walks up. Hey, you want to be on Flagrim?
That'd be cool.
He's like, whoa.
We make a whole new world over here.
We're big fans of a whole new world.
We can show you the world.
In a whole new world. All right, well, thanks for having us.
Peace.
What is it? Shane just walks up. He's kind of hulking. He goes, shit. Stop it.
You'll see. He's in like two scenes. Okay, okay.
We didn't.
Yeah, Steve Gerby.
This is crazy. See what I mean? He doesn't like me. He doesn't like me judging everything he does. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Psychological warfare.
Is it war, Gillian? No, no, no, no, no. Me go to war with fucking Bobby Lee? No.
Yeah, I'm not. No, I think you're great, man. I look forward to the special.
Hey, good luck, man. I wish you guys nothing but the best. Bobby, keep it up, man. You're hilarious. I love you, Shane.
Absolutely.
A school teacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week. It's like a thing now, right? The teacher of the year. Parents were outraged. They were like, how does something like this happen in our community? And I'm here to tell y'all, who do you think's voting for teacher of the year? It's the students that are fucking the teacher. It's a hell of a campaign to go.
I'm not saying there's a correlation. Look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down, am I right? It does feel like the teachers got together and they were like, hey, we can solve this shit in-house, you know? We can solve it. We're gonna start a detention, we're just gonna run it a little bit different, you know?
My son sees this shit on the news. I asked him the other day, I said, you ever fantasized about one of your teachers? He's like, dad, you're disgusting. No, that's gross. And I don't know if he's socially awkward because we homeschool him or what his problem is or... Roll Tide, right? I mean, if he can make his mom cum, at least somebody in this fucking house can get it done, you know?
That's my time. Thank you.
Yeah. I look like the singer of Creed. I get that all the fucking time. Oh, you spit a lot. That's all right. Guys, I'm sorry. I'm a little bit drunk. I've been hanging out with autistic people at Poor Choices for fucking two hours. This guy definitely rules. There's ShamWow guys over there, if y'all want to know. The pitch guy. Is he really? That punched the hooker. He's walking around. Slow me?
His handler is wearing a ShamWow hoodie.
No, he's over there fucking talking to people, dude. It is bizarre, dude. I'm so glad to be here with y'all, dude. I can't believe I got called. And on top of that, this panel's great, but goddamn, I couldn't wait to get out of there, dude.
I'm a career drummer that quit a year and a half ago to do comedy. You're a career drummer? I paid for my house playing drums and quit to do this. Well, boy, oh, boy, do I have news for you. Watch out, dude. A white man's coming for your job. No, no, no. I don't...
You see why I quit, right?
I paid for my house and got out of that industry.
How the fuck do you pay for your house with that?
I worked for the drama for Guns N' Roses for a couple years.
Babysitting. Did you make him feel better about his talent? I'm telling you, it was a full-time job.
Line Em. Wow. Yeah.
I didn't name it. I didn't name the band. I would never name the band my last name. But you did. Yeah, but no. But then you did. No, no, no, I did not. The rest of the band called it that. We were last in line when they were going out band names, obviously. It gets misspelled on every marquee across the country, so...
Yeah, we did. We flew below your radar, but we made enough money to pay for a house in Alabama.
In the shared beds, the mom always slept it away like she was like her ass was always fucking. What are you doing? Yeah.
I can help you with that.
Scrolling is a trigger for me. Because my fucking, my Twitter feed and my search page on Instagram is just bad news. And I'll just, I'll catch something and I'll just be like, all right. And then fucking right to fucking you porn. Yep.
Drink drugs. Eat something.
Yeah.
I agree. What's all the fighting about, huh? There's enough of me to go. What a catch you are, huh? Plenty of bagel bites for everybody, girls.
If the hookers and wives just got together, the wildebeest could... That's what I'm saying. Isn't it weird? Nature documentaries, the way they present it, they can really twist your view of like... Say it's a baby wildebeest and it's a lion. You're like rooting for the wildebeest to get away. Yeah. But then other times, you're rooting for the predator. Yeah, they change it. The way they spin it.
He's working on the car. What are you talking about?
Grass-fed, grass-finished, baby. Let's go. Oh, yeah. Grass-fed hamburger helper. Oh, don't get me started. That was my move back in high school. I'm home from wrestling practice. My mom has a fucking hamburger helper stroganoff sitting on the table. Big glass of milk, go to town.
I couldn't hear nothing. Immediately gets up to me and I got a huge stain right below my stomach.
I don't like down here, too. They get in your business.
Yeah, man. You just got to go on the old school ones. What are you supposed to do?
Hang out at liquor stores. Hey, Billy, what's your email address?
exactly yeah told it let's go great those those passwords and shit like that our dads is who they that who fucked they got fucked up by that all that kind of stuff and the pop-ups yeah my dad literally went through five laptops in like a six month period i don't know it's crazy it's coming up my mom's like what the fuck
Searching boobs like a fucking eighth grader. Something about my dad. I was like, dude, we know you're fucking... Nah, what are you talking about? He's a fucking fucking... It's like, dude, you're watching porn.
I had it work out one time. You know the numbers that you call and you can like talk to a lady?
I was able to convince her. I was like, well, we should meet up. And I ended up meeting up with her.
Yeah. She didn't look anything like she described.
She's the hottest girl in the world. Where'd you meet? I met her at her place. What? This was in... She's hearing you come up the steps. He stopped at a landing. He's just breathing heavy.
I used to love SpaghettiOs and the peanut butter and jelly with it.
And I would dip the peanut butter and jelly in the SpaghettiOs. Yo.
did you fuck with the meatball spaghettios or how did you did we fucked with them yeah i liked it they were pretty big i didn't roll out of the can it's very good when i was a kid i couldn't do the beefaroni something about it creeped me out i don't like the thickness of the nudies the nudies were a little slimy yeah they're too thick i agree it was too bucatini for I'm an angel hair man. Dude.
And I went up there. And it was a bad... There was just a dude sleeping on her couch. And her kids were there. What? And we went in the room. I stayed overnight. It was bad. There were so many roaches in there. And I had just seen this documentary about roaches crawling in somebody's ear and screaming. What a sweet life you were living at the time. I was so bugged out. And the kids were so sweet.
And I remember we were in there. We hooked up. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I thought for like a week... that this was a sign from God that I was supposed to, like, marry this woman and save her and the kids. I just never talked to her again. But... For a couple of days, I really thought like I had like a sign from God. But I remember she was like, let's get the kids out of the house or whatever.
And they were like, can we go to the store or whatever? I'm like, yeah. And I had like, you know, a couple of 20s on me. Then the dude on the couch comes in. He's like, oh, can I grab something to just keep him at 20? And then they came back with like Chinese food or something. And we all ate as a family.
And then watched Kung Fu Hustle and went to sleep. And I slept with toilet paper in my ears because I didn't want the roaches to crawl. Jaboner? Yeah. I'm sorry. What are you talking about? On the Chinese food run, you banged? Yeah, on the Chinese food run.
When that shit hit, when that angel hair hit the households, in dirtbag households in the 90s, we thought we were fucking from Sicily. Thought we were the Medici or whatever. It's angel hair. You're like, what the fuck? Medici family.
Not at all. The yoga ball story. I was living in a studio apartment in Queens. This is towards the end of my first run in New York, before I moved home to Philly and did comedy. I was doing a lot of blow. My brother had, like, got engaged and moved out of the apartment that we lived in. I was by myself, and it was bad. I was working at this place. I was doing blow.
And maybe, like, six months in, it was like a nice little apartment on the first floor. It had just been redone. It had all stuff in there. I was making a go of it. I got bed bugs and I had to throw out everything in my apartment, every single thing in my apartment.
So I had a blow up mattress that was like my bed, like in the corner, like I had like a comforter and shit on this thing after I cleaned it all out. And my I had a yoga ball for my computer where I would fucking sit there, do blow jerk off all that kind of stuff. You know, the norm. And I had this hooker over there one night and I was smoking.
You know, we're watching porn, obviously, and all that kind of stuff.
And I was smoking a cigarette and I was I was naked and I was probably covered in like olive oil or Vaseline or something. Completely naked. You were ready for sex.
I just want to eat him up. He's fully. And I just put my cigarette down and it popped the fucking yoga ball. And I just fucking. And I remember she started laughing at me. And she had like a deviated septum. She was like, just snorting and laughing at me. And man, I'm sorry about that.
I mean, sitting there bouncing, smoking a cigarette.
Yeah, I wasn't. How big were you? Like, you were still... Maybe 250. Yeah. All right, that's good. You can't believe that. Dudes who are 250 ain't doing yoga. You can't bounce up and down on a fucking... Goddamn Chinese-made yoga balls. Fucking bullshit. Yeah, I was... No way it was the cigarette. No, I think it went down in a pot because it blew up, like, from the burn hole.
I believe you.
It was for sure. How's it going to land on a... Maybe it rolled over a safety pin or something like that. Sniper in the next building. Took him out.
I had some jacks sprinkled on the floor. That's right. I had a set of spike strips in the house. I forgot. I forgot.
I'm showing him my butterfly knife. Yeah, pretty cool. Did you fall flat on your back? Like that. Yeah, right on my ass. I remember my coccyx bone was sore for like two weeks after that.
dude it's like a gun went off it was like four in the morning and i was real paranoid because i was on the first floor in the lobby and i had two doors like i had two doors that entered my apartment and like i get so cooked up i'd be like listening to doors to see if anybody was in there i was sketched out you want to take the romance out of the room if i can pop a yoga ball covered in olive oil
I ain't real dry skin. I'm a freak, man. What are you talking about? You've never been covered in Pam spray before. Yeah.
For some reason, it was fancier.
It's so much better. So much better. It's crazy. Sexual.
Yeah, it just ruined the bed. You're not going to get your deposit back, baby.
Grab me some Cheez-Its when you're in there, will you? Grab me a Whitman sampler on the way out to the door.
Big night, huh? I remember when the... Remember when the pharmacies, they started getting the freak aisle? They didn't have that for a long time.
Family planning now. They call it condoms lube. Wild. The condoms, the fucking heat up lube and all that kind of stuff.
It's down at the shaft, shaking.
that's for the horniest brothers yeah me and my brother one better i like it it is sexy man little olive oil and garlic you don't see it out of restaurants either it's all this bucatini all this shit we don't you know we're trying to it's all fettuccine which you brought it up that that's that side piece shit the fettuccine fettuccine alfredo if you're at the dinner with a girl and she orders the blackened chicken pasta she's a whore
Yeah.
I don't know. I think my dick's too small for that. My balls would be going back and forth. Like one of those things on a desk. That wouldn't be a good look.
You guys did dry runs back in the day. You did dry runs with condoms before you started having sex.
Yeah, that was a dress rehearsal. They were fun.
I would say stay out of it. I was going to say, you know, McCuskey was a little freakazoid.
Okay.
I told them my mom's going to find this and get me very mad. It's a piece of gum on the tip of it.
So what? You put it on, jerked off, and then just slung it to the side in your parents' house?
When I first saw one, I never thought that's what it was going to look like. I thought it had, like, straps. I didn't understand what it was. And when I saw it, I was like, man, that's a great design. It's just a thin... If I would have been in research and development on condoms, we'd be 30 years behind.
Oh, remember those? Yeah. somebody used to have a good job i think it was the polo had a good joke about that a landstip skin condom then you'd fuck the girl in the whole room would smell like a gyro his straps are so fucking yeah that's what i thought i thought it was like like foam and went around and it couldn't click in my brain that it was supposed to catch the stuff coming out
I thought it was like a knee brace like a lineman would wear. I thought it was a donjoy.
I know, I know. Did your parents ever catch you having sex in the house with anybody?
Who was this bruiser wearing a fucking flyer starter jacket?
Which Foley's going to go over is... Exercise regimen. Yeah, we're going to talk about exercising. Talk about crockpots.
I know. I like how you did it like that, too. Opened it up.
A long zipper. It was an all-the-way zip down.
The Orlando Magic for some reason.
Those things are wild. I couldn't wear a basketball jersey. Even as in shape as I ever was, I could not wear a fucking jersey. I just looked bad in them. I look like I work for the Joker. Like it was just like I like proper henchmen. It was just not a good look. Yeah. And I used to do that could pull those off. It was great.
I made a promise to myself a long time ago. As fat as I was, I was a kid. I'm not going to be the kid wearing the T-shirt or whatever. Yeah. So I would take the shit off before we got to the pool. You'd be like, this is it. This is me. Let's roll.
That's asking to get dunked. The fat kid wearing the shirt. That's easy pickings. You're going under.
Yeah. Getting called out by your parents for fucking late night snacking.
My mom still does that. She'll be in bed at like 830. And if we stay at the house, I'm down there fucking rummaging through. What are you doing down there? You're rummaging. I'm like a grizzly bear.
Yeah. I think filet mignon's kind of got that rap, too. With sluts? Some broad, yeah, some broad will think she knows what she's doing. She'll get a filet mignon and get it, like, medium well.
Ah, fuck that. I'm going the other way.
I'm praying for it. It's actually going to wait until 2032. Until this thing hits us. It's 2032? That's what they said, yeah. Are we going to use all of our missiles to blow it up? Can't deflect it. It's past the point of deflection, they said. So I don't know what they're going to do. I think they're just going to ride it out wherever it hits. Deal with it.
Wait, why can't they blow it up into a bunch of pieces? Armageddon this thing.
If we shimmy on the horn. I read something that it's too far past where we'd be able to hit it or something like that. I also have no idea. I'm getting this from Instagram. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Mid-beat, he's reading that.
That thing's cooking. That's like 28,000 miles a second. We'll bounce right off of it.
Now you're all in big trouble. Gets bigger.
If it even hits us.
Yeah, god damn it. All of us have to fly every fucking ten minutes. That's a flight that any of us could have been on. Minneapolis to Toronto? Yeah. Dude, what the fuck? I know. Everybody lived, though, so I don't know if the pilot's a hero or a fucking dumbass.
You are a retard and a dumbass. I don't know if he overshot the runway, but it looks like he hits the right...
engine immediately catches on fire so he like bounced and then it just flipped over but as it flipped over those wings came right off yeah so and it was on fire but everybody inside was cool they got out everybody got out yeah but i always take my seat belt off early and i think about that all the time before we land up before landing i do it every now and again yeah i'll be like the second we touch the ground i snap that thing off yeah that's what i'm saying your proper i'll take it off i'll just if they don't remind me to put it back on i'll just
Yeah, I would be done. I'd probably take out the lady next to me.
I would definitely have shit in my pants, too.
We've crunched those numbers. It's been like four months where every week, every couple of weeks, it's something.
And if you go globally... I mean, South Korea, they had like nine.
They get that like a cranberry juice. But you fucking dirty bitch.
Asia's been going nuts, though. Nuts. Yeah, those airlines. Crazy. I'm never going over there. You see the video of the one last year, the guy he's filming himself, the one that went into the gorge? Yeah. Fuck pretty quick.
When you think they have that shit kind of all in lock, though, do you think South Korea? Everything's probably fucking tight, meticulous. That's what I'm saying. I mean, fucking.
Like the noise or something. I wonder who did that. We were talking this morning. It was probably like an intern or something like that that snuck that in there.
I mean, that guy should have got a writing job somewhere.
I've got six pairs of underwear with me. I'd be furious. How'd you bring enough NXIVM? I'm going to have wicked heartburn up there. He's brutal to travel with.
Yeah, I had it so bad.
Yeah, because some people, they don't get the side effects that bad. We're talking to Mike Eaton, hosted the other night, and he was saying that.
You nasty little slut over there with your parents. Mac and cheese in a Shirley Temple. Now you're speaking my language. Although, this is how much of a dirtbag I am. I've never had the upgraded mac and cheese that touched the shit in the box. Ever. Once in Philly, Cotton got a platter delivered.
But he said he doesn't have problems with it, and I know people that don't have problems with it. I had it so bad. We're like, shit would just, it just stops your stomach. Yeah. So my shit would just sit in there and fester.
like the sarlacc pit just fucking bubbling up and dude it would the burps were so fucking bad we were worse than the farts which is crazy whoa i had a real bad me and my wife flew to greece and we came back and i got jammed up at customs and it was like an hour and a half line and it was like every 30 seconds i was like try to do the fat girl blow out the side i would hear i started to hear the people behind me go what the fuck
So I started, every time I would do it, I'd go... What the hell? What the fuck? You guys, that's crazy.
It sucked.
The only one that ever smelled it was Ari. He was the only one brave enough. I was like, you're the only one I can answer this to. Do you want to smell one? He was like, yeah, go ahead. He didn't want any more of it. He didn't want the smoke. It's like rotten eggs, dude. You're a dragon. You're a dragon. A proper dragon.
I do get mad when the international line's moving faster than the American line. What the fuck are we doing here?
But we were only moving in small increments, so I couldn't even, like, do it and then get away. Bad. Phew. Had to keep that up for an hour and a half. Sipping a ginger ale, praying it would go away. Get some carbonation in there.
It's like a gas leak.
I would press through it. i probably should have stayed on the japanese say you eat till you're 80 percent full yeah if i was maybe doing that i would have been all right but i would i would push through it because at the time his japanese neighbor says it all of the japanese it's called something in japan japanese the japanese neighbor but japanese neighbor
It wouldn't hit until later, so I wouldn't realize how full I was until a couple minutes after I ate. It was going to be bad. And it would just sit there. You could feel it in your stomach. It was like having a crock pot down there, just slow cooking. Set it and forget it. Bad news is coming. My girl fucking hated it. Imagine having to sleep with that, dude. That's crazy.
I had to get real defensive and bat it on my seat popper. Like, what do you want me to do?
That would wake me up in the middle of the night and be like, what the fuck? Fucking hotboxing himself. Be like punching out of an F-16. Under the covers must have been nuts.
I had a first-class education on that shit because we did Cotton's bachelor party, and I went out and bought all this stuff. We did a little grill barbecue. I must have bought about $400 worth of store-bought potato salad, and it was all his boys from the neighborhood, and nobody touched it. And after like an hour, I pulled one of them aside, and I was like, why?
I remember one night she got up in the middle of the night and was like, I woke up and she was standing at the end of the bed. What are you doing?
Because sometimes when the noise of the plane and the air moving around, you can get away with murder up there. You really can. You really can. You build it up.
You can fucking hit the aisle.
Directional, yeah. Dead giveaway is when you're moving the fan around. But yeah, you do that one little test to see if it smells and if it's all right. Plus, you got the seat, all that stuff, you know? But man, sometimes you're just like, fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Folds a crisp Wall Street Journal.
Oh, fucking bastard.
We love you.
Route 66 special. Route 66 special on our YouTube page. Check it out. Yeah, so we did this whole big tour from Chicago to L.A.
Yes.
I had Ozempic problems. Ozempic problems the whole time. But we filmed all the shows. We filmed everything on the bus and all that stuff. And we put it all together. Connor directed it and fucking shot it and edited the whole thing. And we think it came out great. We think it's something different, something fun. So we're excited. When's it coming out? Route 66 comes out February 25th.
Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, man.
How come no one's eating a fucking potato salad? And he's like, black people don't fuck with store-bought potato salad.
YouTube channel. On YouTube.
Nice. So whenever this comes out, it could be there. It'll be coming out very soon.
Yeah. And you could never wrap up the end airtight enough. So you had to go through. It was like Normandy. You had to get, like, the first couple of waves of fucking hard, dry cheese to get to the good shit. I remember my mom, when shit was tight, she'd be like, just eat it. And we'd be like, fucking eat and fucking drywall. Suck.
There was always that one kid that you were friends with that you knew there was trouble in the house that when they would offer you to eat over, you'd be like, nah, I'm good. I'm going to go home.
Some random dude leaving with a work truck out front named like Ron or something. I see you guys like your last Dunkaroos. Yeah.
Some house painter every couple of weekends showing up. He ain't going to say shit.
I feel like you had to do that shit in the summer. Whatever house you were at and there was no one home, you tossed the place like the arena. Like you're turning a warrant, dude. Look for everything. Yeah, like a no-knock. Cutting open pillows. Dude. Dumping out fucking coffee and shit. Fucking stethoscope on the wall going around.
Hamburger meat?
That's like a news camera. Yeah.
Oh, the biggest. Yeah, if they were doing it back then, they were real freaks.
You had to set up a tripod and all that kind of stuff.
Was there ever?
Freshman year, I worked at a West Coast video. And... If you're not familiar with West Coast video, they had the room in the back. Yep. With the fucking beads. You paid a couple of visits. Oh, what? You worked. I used to look at the box and jerk off to the memory of the cover. I remember one was called Heinfeld. It was a Seinfeld spoof. That's nice. Hot. Yeah, Kramer had a hog on him.
But this kid worked there and his mom, single mom, worked there, too. They both worked there. And you could see what everybody took. Like, you know, you get to take your movies home a week. No lie. This kid's mom rented time for an ass fucking two. And he was time for an ass fucking for the next four years in high school. That's tough. Hated us. Damn.
Yeah.
It's time.
I know. And they also spent, I don't know who they had, the writers. And I know it was like my hormones were pumping. But, man, the storylines. You'd be like fucking pre-coming when she's talking. Like, oh, he's not coming back for a while. And the maid's in here. Oh, I got a feeling where this is headed.
I love the fact that all these fitness guys are now coming around on hamburger meat. Yeah. That's what it's all about. Yeah. Fitness guys like me? Yeah. All these guys on the Internet, they're like ground beef or grass fed organic ground beef is great for you. I knew that since the 80s.
Stepdad, stepdaughter have to share a hotel room. Hello. Bro. Man.
It was crazy. Yeah. What the fuck? Then you walk back outside and it's paradise. It's the most beautiful place you've ever seen. Hold on. I'm going to go to the bathroom.
It was very organized.
Yeah. Damn. It was intense. The bathroom lines were quick, though.
It was very efficient.
Yeah. What do you think? Free Diddy? There's a lot of rumors going around that Diddy's trying to destroy men's structural integrity.
food could go fuck itself yeah it was like wait till you try the cheese sandwich it's only a dollar fifty turns out they got that price exactly right that thing was a dollar fucking fifty cheese sandwich It sucks. It's so fucking funny. I don't want to shit on the Masters because it was awesome. And everyone there was nice.
It was O'Connor. Oh, comment laying down. Yeah, we're at the 18th. So they went into extra, I guess, playoffs at the end because it was tied. So apparently it was they play the 18th again and then the 10th and then the 18th or just 18th and 10 and then 18th.
yeah who won uh rory oh wow yeah okay but uh so we posted up at the 18th tee box just in case it went yeah to an extra round and we could see them tee off uh so we were at the end we could a mile away the guy won and there was like five chris was laying on the grass farting And we were like, get up, dude. He was just rolling around.
There was a lot of lost fights.
Some lost fights. He cried on the plane. no i got i had a panic attack right before takeoff yes i'm gonna just get a hotel here and drive i gotta go no sit down girby baby yeah but you were so helpful john and chris and then then the pilot pilot was very helpful but the during his panic attack i was like would it help if i blast drake And he's like, no. He's just completely honest.
Drake for a panic attack. That's why I said it, though. I was like, would it help you if I blast music?
That's fine. Black people take a long time getting in and out of cars.
I do a lot of black stereotypes. Think of one. Think of one? Yeah.
It just gets more complicated. Farnsworth Bentley?
The Engine. I just... Silence. Yeah. You don't listen to music in your car?
Four fucking real, dude.
Damn, that was probably right when you got cable, too. they were using it back then yeah uh there is a youtube channel that plays like soft jazz at all just like a piano and yeah it's not bad yeah so it's just like chill yes nice i guess coming from that which is the whitest way on earth to drive i probably seen black as hell in my car yes that's you drive too white Quiet is nuts.
Run.
Go now.
I'm just kidding. What? Silence is crazy to me in a car for the most part. I don't think so.
But listening to Pirates of the Caribbean theme song and driving around.
Man, driving in Philly, you must have had a tough time.
Because the killer bees are out. I don't know what you're talking about. The bees.
Yes. Were they Bs or Ws?
Yeah. The ghetto boys. The ghetto boys.
Really?
I grew up in a W neighborhood and that happened. Oh, okay. It still happened.
Do you have any proof? I have a counter argument. Yeah? Gay guys walk different. It's true. I think it actually helps your structural integrity. The posture goes way up.
You were excited.
Halloween's an awesome holiday.
Yeah.
Tell me you were dressed as Jack Sparrow.
You wore orange and black?
What was it?
Orange polo, black pants.
Pumpkin suit. What were you wearing?
Did you dress your cat up?
All right.
True. Yeah.
The Masters, it was good. I'm happy we went.
It's because you're special.
Not drinking six beers, that was a fucking crime.
At the end of the day, you turned it on during that panic attack. Yep. That was nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's why I wanted it.
We were having fun.
No, I can be grumpy in the morning.
That's nuts. Yeah, thank you.
No. The Ocon man rallied yesterday. I thought there was no shot he was going to be all right. Oh, yeah. He's got no problem crushing pills.
That'd be the move. Mushrooms would have rocked.
It would have been really overwhelming, though. Shane was treating me to... I would have laid down. When I got lost the first time, I would have just... But the problem was I was trying to get their attention because I lost them. I thought they were in front of me when we were walking. It turns out they just stopped next to me and I kept walking because people kept talking to me.
And then I was trying to find them and I was just like standing on a hill just trying to gain attention so they could maybe see me so just everyone saw me. Yeah. And then all of them were like, yo, bro, fucking chug this beer. I was like, God, give me the fucking beer. It was the Georgia Bulldogs football team. Was it really? Yeah, it was the,
Georgia players came up and they were the ones who got me to chug a beer because it was while I was lost and I was like I'll chug it with you, but now it's a real race against the clock for me to find these guys because I was on the cusp of being hammered.
I was, for real, 30 yards away just standing. And then you took the hill.
Dang.
Yeah, he was a man. Him and his boys.
How about that dude O'Connor was battling with?
It was just a guy behind us that was a roofer from Florida that was just so obnoxious. Kid in the back of the class. Yeah.
It was really funny. Was he yelling out? They were just being loud. If somebody's hitting, you've got to be really quiet. We were right next to the green, so dudes were putting, and he was like, Yo, dude, where are all the squirrels?
And O'Connor was hammered next to him like, shut the fuck up.
Somebody farted during a putt, which was a former NFL quarterback. I want to name him now. He farted at the Masters.
It was extremely funny. Yeah. That was a fun time. Sitting at the 16th when we were all... It was kids in class. You had to be quiet, and everyone there was just like... Yeah, that's hard.
But then... Yeah, you don't know. There's no phones, so you can't check. You got to literally stand in front of an actual scoreboard they're putting up, which is kind of cool.
Yeah. Like a crazy tack.
Once again, these are tough to refute. I do. I kind of hold to it. Yeah.
20th probably makes that pretty easily, yeah. That's pretty tight. Yeah.
I thought that's exactly what it was designed for.
Yeah.
Because it's a disability. True. You're handicapped by your score versus whoever you're playing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seems communist to me.
What's that?
There's never three of them at once.
Slut.
that's worse than dumping i limped out i was dumping in the handicap yeah you come out and you're like there's no chance there's a guy in a wheelchair have you ever encountered i have it's devastating i took a family dump the family bathroom and i've opened that after a dump and there's been a family that needs like change diapers yeah those things get hit hard
That's what I do. Yeah. Instead of like limping out, I'll go, excuse me. I'm handicapped. I'm a family. I'm a fucking family.
Yeah, that'd be fun. Party. Fun. People would be getting in there.
Bro, think if you hit it, you had to hit. There's the only toilet open. You got the walk of shame coming out.
Speaking of slots, how about the space slots?
Yeah. It's a lone, it's a single bathroom. It's perfect. You can, you can lose yourself in there. You can take some time. You can look at Instagram. You can fuck around. Yeah. That's a big, a long time. And then come out and seen two fans, like a line of, you just got to come out and go, you got to come out of there and go, the fuck's my family.
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Since I've tried. It's just as hard. They escape. So, I bought a bug light. You got a bug light? I got a bug zapper out there. That's, you know, kind of the opposite of what you're doing, but just as fun. You're battling. You sit in the hot tub and all of a sudden. God damn, that guy. You get some of these big bugs out here, so big. My dad's big on bugs. When they die, they go.
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They should come see me and Philly on May 6th. I mean, we should just put that out as a special.
You're going to scare the fuck out of Matt's kids. Promise I won't.
First of all, no.
That's all he is. That might have been the biggest attempt to get rid of your wife ever. Yeah. Just being like, I built this spaceship. I'm going to launch you up there. Yeah, man. With Gayle King.
You know what you do.
All right, good.
I was trying my best to make things worse for you.
On the takeover, I didn't know how bad it was until we left. On the way there, it was pretty funny.
Holy shit, we're really high up.
Do the South African. Do the South African.
You can do it.
Yeah, the whole fucking thing fell off.
Damn. Now, I'm not making fun of him because I fly a lot and I really don't want to die that way. It was making me thinking about if that space shuttle with Katy Perry did explode and her hit song was...
He'd be like, change the law. Yeah, true. For sure.
Dude, think about having that over your baby. We don't go anywhere anymore. I took you to fucking space, bitch. Yeah.
The astronaut food sucked. You were up there for ten fucking minutes. What did you eat?
I didn't feel good. Because you kept me up all night with your fucking snoring.
I guarantee in the car ride home, one of them was like, Gail was being a bitch. Gail was a fucking bitch the whole time we were in space.
Not that it's all about me. Not that it's all about me, but like, let's be honest. It was Katy Perry's trip.
He was probably bummed out when he saw that thing landing.
Yeah, it was probably just another day for that guy. He probably woke up like, oh, fuck, I got to launch those women into space.
You think so?
You like Jeff Bezos?
yeah he's a mathematician so he was saying like you're like the geometry like the underpinning of your structural manhood is your physical yeah like yeah but it's also it's mental too the center of gravity he thinks is your but it's your butthole and once you which by the way i can't prove him wrong it's something to it sounds like he's right again you say it's terence howard mathematician hustle and flow oh
Fuck, I was almost out of that one.
I remember that. I'd go hang out with you and Chris. All you guys talked about was fucking Mars.
Shut up about Mars. No. You need to worry about Halloween. Sure. You got to focus on Halloween before we can focus on Mars. Mars bars. Yeah. Mars bars.
That would be awesome. We're initiating double sonic booms. I was down there for some space launches. Did you really? Oh, yeah.
There's nothing. It's the coolest thing possible.
Yeah. It's great. Although the last time I was there, it got rained out. i sat on the beach all day waiting for it they're like 2 p.m 2 p.m launch i was like i'm gonna have a good buzz by 2 p.m they go it got delayed eight hours and i was like that's fine i'm in the zone fucking the sun's going down i was like oh shit fuck that rocket fucking bullshit And then a giant thunderstorm came.
That's pretty, it was awesome. Yeah, that's kind of cool. Listen to fucking, not for whom the belt, fuck it. Listen to a Metallica song. Do you want a thunderstorm? Yeah. That's kind of sick. Yeah, it was awesome. It was a great day.
now my family that lives there sends me rocket launches every day really yeah we got another video for you i think there was a rocket launch in san antonio or like it was visible from san antonio maybe it was from houston but yeah the guy went like saturday it's probably fucking katie perry he probably saw katie he saw katie maybe i don't know where they launched that thing
Roswell. Remember the guy who tried to prove the earth was flat and he made himself a rocket? no he just fucking died i'd be sick if he got vindicated he's like i'm falling off the edge clearly i'm coming right off i didn't think that on the way down like yeah seems pretty flat to me i'm about to fucking hit it flat as hell it was in texas would they launch
Who? There's six ladies.
I don't know, dude. You get up there. Space rules.
Oh, I float into all of your butts. God damn, there's not a lot of room up here. I keep floating right into all of you guys' boobs the whole time.
Yeah, that was good. What?
Do you watch Japanese bus porn?
There's a mutiny on this ship and now I'm on charge. We're going to the moon. True. I'm taking the ship. We're flying somewhere else. Me and the space base. We're going to start a new colony. We're going to have to repopulate. True.
I don't know.
I think they said it was a million dollars a minute.
A minute. A million a minute is what someone was talking about. Yeah. Yeah.
You have to.
And you got to go, I'm the first guy to ever do it. It's like, brother, no, you're not. Who do you think did, Neil? Neil and Buzz?
Please slurp that. Please float over to that and slurp that. Please slurp that out. You got to do it. Just for me one time, baby. Slurp that. Slurp that down. It's going to be the best moment of my life.
Yeah. Laika? Laika.
I mean, that guy and lady were stuck in the space station for like... Really? I wonder if they slurped.
Somebody's slurping.
You probably did. Never mind. I got a whiz, actually.
Let's take a break. Time out. Oh, good.
Nice. This is... We're good? Huh? Sick. Steak and beans is back.
Space dog. The doll with the space on it.
Yeah.
Katy Perry standing in front of a camera instead of looking out at the universe. Yeah. She's like, it's not about me. And then she's up in space literally staring directly into a camera.
Yeah.
I like San Antonio. Yeah, it's kind of cool. The river walks fucking very nice.
Did you get to go to the Alamo? No, I didn't do shit. You got to check the Alamo someday.
You're going to have to come fucking get me.
You're going to have to come and get me.
Standing outside of school sometimes. When they go to recess, you stand by the fence.
Yeah.
And the guy wears a cowboy hat. I was trying my best to figure that out. The what? Cows from the north. Vaca del Norte.
You're a fucking Norteño.
You're a fucking junkie. You're a gringo, boy.
You're a nasty little gringo. You can get pills for cheap in Mexico. You can move down here and start to hate DMs.
You're going to have the M's on your ass.
Dude, her singing up there. Yeah, she got up there and sang. What a Wonderful World. What a Wonderful World. Yeah, it's good. That's what we need.
Oh, you'll see. Oh, you'll see. The M's. They're tough drivers. They test my racism.
Yeah, I've maintained for a while that the A's get a bad rap, that it's actually the B's.
Turns out the M's are right there.
I got some.
They do fly the flag. Very pirates.
Yeah, go to Jolly Roger on the back.
A pirate flag.
You should get the actual Pirates of the Caribbean logo on there. You should get your car wrapped in strictly Pirates of the Caribbean. What? If I paid for it, will you do that?
It doesn't want to make you swashbuckle at all.
When you listen to it.
No adventures on the high seas or anything.
Oh, you daydream about throwing a pitch.
You listen to Pirates of the Caribbean while you're driving and daydream about being a hero?
True.
All right.
Why does it bother you? It doesn't bother me. I'm jealous. I just sit there and go, I'm a fucking piece of shit.
I just daydream about failures.
I listen to Pirates of the Caribbean and think about failures.
That song?
50-50 got me. What's 50-50?
and it just got me the first time i told the story i was on a like a first date with a girl we saw that movie really had my arm around her and i was trying to hold in a cry so bad that i was like my body was shaking i was crying i saw it i bought it and i said if i ever need to like just get a cry out watch that scene it's been very effective
I'm sure.
yeah that's pretty funny being in like a very serious scene being worried about like everyone here's gonna think i'm a fucking pussy cut i'm not fucking crying for real i don't even care about the script i like i really can't wrap my head around that that's such a wild thing to be able i mean i guess you could do it if you think of something sad enough but like being able to do that in front of all those people i'm always like i'm just like fascinated by that yeah it's kind of nuts
Yeah, I don't think I could do it.
I could. You could definitely do it.
Steve.
I know you did.
And I appreciated the way you handled yourself on the flight.
By making you fly a Cessna with a guy?
He pulled it out.
Hey, yo.
With a guy, you can only get in through one door. You've set up a crazy innuendo. So the 55-year-old pulled it out.
Sweet man. Taste or...
It's like living with a mayor. He goes, oh, the office is my room now. Yeah. All right.
You lashed out against him the way you lashed out against Sweet Drake.
It's a totally fair opinion. I play it a lot.
I like my music loud, dude.
Yeah. Do you guys like the loud music on the plane? Oh, that seemed like a bunch of no's.
We like the music. I thought you guys were B guys. I was just trying to play loud music.
I thought you guys were B's.
Yeah. It's the difference. See that? I listen to him howling.
How was landing?
Do you think they should be confined or occupy more space?
i don't like i don't come on you can do it occupy more space yeah in what in what regard true tires june 5th true what tires june 5th oh yeah yeah women need to occupy more space of course tires watch tires they should be they should if they choose they want to of course you know they want to take up more space you don't want to confine them no you don't ever want to confine your woman
Yeah.
I want a daddy.
Yeah. I want a daddy. Also, that way if things go wrong, we just fully smash. For sure. On impact. For sure. You get to experience the hardest fucking plowing.
True. From the fucking stratosphere.
Getting smashed?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's switch over to the Patreon. Yes. God bless.
What a cliffhanger.
What if your two-year-old said, I want to foot train? Would you say yes?
Why? So you're against trains? What if your public school teacher came and told you your daughter wants to foot train?
The hustle and flow guy that's now a super genius. Okay.
That's very true. They tried Adderall for years. And they're like, you know what? Fuck it.
Yes. You've been known to stuff some P-I-T-M.
If they're into it. Yeah. While you're poorly fucking her.
And it's huge in the podcast sphere. Okay. This is what we talk about. Yeah.
No, it was girl. It was boys. It's been a few years of us talking about it. Boys becoming girls.
That is Russian. That's actually Russian disinformation.
You laid on the ground. That's what I'd like to talk about.
How was the Masters?
And what did I ask for in return? Six beers. Oh, God, no. By the way, everyone at the Masters had heard that. Everywhere we went, dudes were like, how many beers has he had? To the point where I started defending him, where I was like, guys, just leave him alone. He's only ever won.
No, not even. Not even a spray. He had a deodorant stick of sunscreen.
It doesn't get all over your hands. It's fucking crazy. You're doing like the Ugg from Camp Onowana.
You got to see the X Games right away? That was the first thing. You're like a Soviet.
But no, the Masters, I didn't... So I was trying to hold my tongue. Yeah. Because I knew it was big for Kirby's. Yeah, yeah. I just... I don't give a fuck about golf.
I really wanted to.
Yeah, you can't see a fucking thing.
There were some awesome spots. Like, was that six? That was a par three? Yeah. That was great. But I couldn't see anything. Oh. So, like, if you could see. Well, he's also, he can't see.
So, we did get to 16. Took a fucking blind guy to the Masters. Yeah. He couldn't see a single thing. I was like, it's beautiful out here. He was like, is it? The Ocon man last second got a ticket. What? Yeah, the Ocon man got in with us. Nice. Yeah, it was a miracle. That's awesome. The people at CAA just were like, all right, here you go. You can have this. That's tight.
But he was planning on not going, so he had already started drinking a little. He was ready to lock down by himself at Hooters for the entire day. Which I couldn't have been more jealous.
If there's anybody out there that might have wanted to, I would say Diddy's a prime suspect.
I could not have been more jealous.
Yeah, and also be like, I have to be here.
There's nowhere else I can go. True. They drop me off. I got to stay here until the sun goes down. From noon to fucking 8 p.m. at a Hooters.
Yeah, we got lost a couple of times.
Every single person is dressed like a golfer.
Everyone was extremely nice.
Everyone was great. The staff, everybody that worked there was awesome. Other than the bathroom, you go in there.
It's prison in there. It literally became prison. So the only black people I saw were people, the bathroom attendants. The second you go in the bathroom, it's like...
Yeah.
All right.
It starts right now.
What the fuck, man?
I just thought it was going to be funny. Garfield trans.
That's taking it easy. That's 95 readiness for me. God damn, I was good.
I told you, I'm not sleeping.
Yeah, you get the flu every week.
Yeah.
Ugly, bro.
What did you do with that?
Ooh, baby, baby.
Could be better.
You're quiet. Since I've come back, you're so quiet.
Joke's on you, bitch.
Did she say that?
It's like, dude, what? High school kids tossing pies.
There's no way you're pulling out with that fucking ass. I do pull out, but when I get the opportunity... Dude, you're going to leave the room to get out.
I had to guess.
Back it up. Big red fucking fire truck. Damn. I had to guess. I don't know.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Who the fuck is that? Write that on a piece of paper. I want to know who that is.
The squad. The fat boys. The fat boys rappers. That's the squad, bro. That's a good quote.
The fat boys.
Huge rule.
178.
Yeah, they were fucking... They ran it.
Bro. I'll go full Catwoman. You gotta. L.A.? Yeah. Damn, Shay Shay would be sick.
Yeah, they get me. That sucks.
He did.
But also just they're everywhere.
It's tough to go in there and battle.
Yeah, the Trump card. Going into a black podcast and battling is nuts, dude. Yeah, dude. If you get me on Breakfast Club or any of these, I'm going to be like, fucking, yeah, I hate racism. Fucking Trump racist piece of shit. I like Biden.
they're fucking everywhere here like they're in my house i was i tried to get in the hot tub last night there's 20 of them yeah yeah you're around that water too fucking swamp back there around the bayou yeah i'm down here on the bayou yeah i don't i'm uh i don't do that the mosquitoes i swear i got up on the high plains i'm on the high plan i'm in the grasslands i really am kind of in the grasslands but i will say i'm battling a neon green spider right now
I like Biden. Obviously, I hate racism.
I hate racism. And yeah, Kamala Harris was great.
I don't think they would give me a spaz, but I think they would get me to finally be like... What you're saying is wrong.
Oh, yeah, yeah. On Breakfast Club?
It's not Angela Yee, is it? No. Who is it?
I know who it is. They bring her in for Ramaswamy. She zooms in to battle like Ramaswamy. Ramaswamy eats her lunch. They always have Ramaswamy and he fucks her up.
Arguing with zero facts? Come on, man.
Did you see The View? Did you tell me ladies argue with zero effects?
Chappelle's was fucking awesome. It sounded sick as hell. First night, some members of Wu-Tang were there and performed. That's awesome. And then Talib Kweli was up there. That was good. Nice. Sick. It was awesome. I mean, it was the whole time.
and i guard dog and i brought guard dog and james came the next day and they you know rightfully they were nervous to be like holy shit we're gonna hang out with dave chapelle i was telling the whole time i was like wait till you meet this guy he's literally the nicest yeah dude two people have truly stunned me louis ck i was like whatever i was like i couldn't think i was like holy fuck dude and then i i when you did that show in the garden i was just in the same room as dave chapelle and as soon as he's like how you doing i was like
oh fuck yeah completely blanked i was like dude whatever i'm pretty normal pretty natural no i just added a third to the uh people that have stunned me who caitlin clark dude what clark was at the show i don't know if she was a fan or her boyfriend or i don't know who you know but before the show we were in indianapolis on saturday and we were like this is the house that caitlin clark built we were talking about the pacers arena and then uh
We were at lunch, and I was like, it'd be fucking sick if Caitlin Clark came to the show. That'd be nice. Yeah, it'd be awesome. And I was pacing back and forth between the show and the green room. And then Caitlin Clark walked by.
And I was like, do you want to hang out in the green room? She was like, yeah, sure.
Yeah. That's sick. And then I walked in, and I was like...
also james brought his friend james brought his friend to fly back with us to austin who's a priest okay which is great he was awesome but i did have a priest in the green room it was me big j who soda was making fun of looks like my goth stylist and my road priest road like having to explain to people like i don't bring a priest all the time Kaitlyn Clark, I don't bring a chaplain on the road.
But yeah, she was one I was like, got me a little.
Chaplain. Cook, golf stylist.
Green room and watched me play UFC. Yeah.
yeah I had another good invite to the green room which was very fun so in Columbus right before we were leaving the green room a bunch of the Columbus Blue Jackets wives came back to say hi I guess so it was literally just four professional athletes wives came walking back literally first thing I said I was like what are you guys doing here Because there were no husbands. For sure, yeah.
What's he up to? Have you figured out what kind of spider it is?
It was literally just four beautiful women. Yeah. And I was like, what? Can I help you? I was like, for real, what are you guys doing here? And they're like, can we get a picture? And I was like, yeah. And then I was trying to be polite, but it looked like I was being a sex pervert. How so? Because I was like, do you guys want to, there's drinks in there if you guys want to hang out.
And they're like, no, we're all right. I was like, if you want, you can hang out. And then I walked away like, probably looked like a fucking psycho. Yeah.
it was being hospitable i know i know but when it's four hot ladies and you're like do you guys want to hang out in the green room you guys want some alcohol there's alcohol in there if you guys need anything i got it you know yeah there's chicken tenders and nachos and bud light if you guys want it you know typical hot lady stuff we got an xbox and chicken fingers Where were their hubbies?
I don't know. Maybe they were on the road. Maybe the Blue Jackets, they were probably in a way game.
Must have been rained out or some shit.
That's a Biggie Smalls reference. What was? What I said. Must have been rained out.
Yeah, nothing. It's a song he sings about fucking an NBA player's wife. Oh, Jesus. And then the NBA player comes home. I was like, what's happening? He's like, I don't know. Shit must have been rained out or something. Which one? Now you're showing your true head.
I am. Or just Jackson's going to eat it. Bro, look at that guy.
Now you're like, yeah, fucking. Yeah, the players are gone. And the Wags, when the players are gone, the Wags will play.
No, that was the next night. That was Indianapolis. Oh, it's Indianapolis. Yeah, in the house that Kalen built. I forgot you're the aviator, dude.
That's not on you. Yeah, they literally just came back for a picture and then left. But I was... Yeah. It was just one of those things where I was like, do you guys want to hang out? Yeah. They're like, no, we have to leave. And I was like, you could hang out. You could hang out. There's a giant couch right there.
No, start at the beginning there. Oh, with my skin?
NHL. I got you. NHL. That sounds like one of those. It's a pretty sick name, though, because it's for the Union. Is that what that's for? Civil War, yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like a cannon. There's a logo. It's pretty sight. I think they actually have a pretend yellow jacket.
And the whole time I was like, I can't wait till these guys get this fucking cocktail sauce.
I was like, I cannot wait. And then the waiter comes over and I was like, don't, you know, don't spoil it. He's like, it's the hottest cocktail sauce in the world. And I was like, that was what I was talking about.
i tried it when i was there our dog cowered it out admit you cowered it's not that dude and we kept being like all right dude get it for real we've all done it like i got it and almost died yeah and then our guard dog took a big one and i was like all right this is it as soon as he picks it up 90 falls off he's like what i did it This isn't true. Everyone at the table gave you guff.
I must have had about six or seven shrimps. You did have a lot, but you kept not putting the cocktail sauce on it. No, it was on it. You were glazed? He would take some off, and then he'd go, I'm Zandini. It doesn't affect me. Oh, man. He goes, yeah, because you're not doing it. You got to scoop it, dude. I had a lot. It hurt my belly really bad. Yeah, everyone in the squad got sick. I was fine.
I was like, I was born in this darkness.
Upon your recommendation. I mean, eating the whole thing, and that's tough. Who was I with? Maybe...
Yeah. Not for me. Yeah, it'll fuck you up. Good for the science. It's great for the science. Me and Lamise went to town on them. Me and Lamise went nuts on them. Then I went to the airport the next day and there's one there and I ate some at the airport. I ate some before departure at like 11 a.m. I was like... And it's one of those, like, where the restaurant's, like, basically in the walkway.
Like, there's just a tiny fence separating you. So people were just walking by at 11 a.m. I'm like... Fuck! Just going back for it? Just kept going for it. I don't know. Horse rash doesn't fuck my stomach up. Yeah, I don't know. I was probably just nervous. I feel like the spice just goes away right away. It does. That's what I'm saying. And it doesn't affect me.
Like, if I eat, like, really spicy food, that can fuck you up. Oh, for sure.
That's disrespectful. It's crazy. I think the last time you did it, it was a mistake, but a big glob fell off. And everyone at the table noticed.
Yeah, but with the crackers, it's easier. That's what the crackers are there for.
I mean, you and then bragging while you were doing it. This is nothing to me. I'm Zandini.
what is this this is a behind the music i'm finding out about a lot of rich things i'm just finding out about rich things i just found about auctions that you can buy like from people's estates i told you about the estate sales are sweet bought a bunch of the oj gear huh i didn't tell you this i thought you're talking about like estate sales like on the corner where you just go to a dead guy's house and buy his chair no not like a yard sale like a garage sale no like literally like oj simpson's estate what auctioned a bunch of his stuff and
I got it. You got some of his stuff? Mm-hmm. What'd you get? The other glove? They were up for sale. What? There was a couple sets with gloves. I did not get them. I got all of his ties, though.
I got his tie collection.
And now I've got to find out what this gold belly is. Dude, I was... I can ship that stuff to my house. Yes. You can get food from anywhere.
That's another one. Yeah, I'm fully against this. Yeah. You do got to make a cheesesteak is the easiest.
I think they're fibbing. You think he's fibbing? Yeah, I think they're fibbing.
You should have thrown in the hummus encampment.
It's really nice.
Yeah, yeah. Since I've tried. It's just as hard. They escape. So, I bought a bug light. You got a bug light? I got a bug zapper out there. That's, you know, kind of the opposite of what you're doing, but just as fun. You're battling. You sit in the hot tub and all of a sudden. God damn, that guy. You get some of these big, the bugs out here are so big. My dad's big on bugs. When they die, they go.
You hear them hit the fucking bug light and they go, Jesus. God damn. Another great investment, taking care of yourself. You know, you're talking about these bugs. I didn't even think about that. Why don't you think about yourself? Traditional therapy can get crazy expensive, though, like between $100 to $250 a month or more or something like that. Therapy is worth it, though.
And you do have options like BetterHelp, the help with the bet on it. It could help you save up to 50% per session. While getting you the help you need. I've had a lot of sessions where I think about myself. Yeah. Take care of myself. I like therapy because... I've benefited from therapy.
Everyone could learn something from therapy. Yeah. Because it teaches you positive coping skills.
And set boundaries. How you're doomed. Yeah. Basically, you get on a Zoom call and you talk about how dumb your family is. Hate to break it to you. Your family are idiots and you're doomed. With BetterHelp, you can work toward being the best version of yourself while saving money. And because everything is online, it's easier to get into a session with your schedule.
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Yes. That's awesome.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
People shitting themselves stories are like the best. Dude, they hold up. I don't know who it was. I'm trying to remember who it was. You remember the guy, he shit himself on a train? And then had to throw his pants out the window of the... No one remembers this?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. If you wait, he'll be down to eat steak and beans.
I feel like it's either somebody we know or a Barstool guy, and I can't remember.
I'm sorry to cut you. Who the fuck is shitting? Who's risking a fart on a date?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Salisbury steak. Salisbury steak and beans. I had some beans last week. Did you really? What kind of beans? Just so you know. Baked beans. You guys can laugh all you want, dude. Beans. Baked beans rock, dude. You don't understand this. I ate those beans so you all could run, dude. I was in Philly eating beans, and now look at us. We made it off the beans, dude. Trust me.
We wouldn't be here without Bush's baked beans from my parents' house that I drove two hours to get and drove back to Philly with a grocery bag of baked beans and chunky soup. It's going to be the new Margaritaville, dude. Steak and beans. You sure? Delicacy could be some chunky soup.
Yeah, you're going to get diarrhea. It's actually like a cleanse.
We're going to hire another big guy to just play Xbox. Go like Disney World. It's animatronic. It's just a guy playing Xbox.
That's gay. Nice kids.
Back to the game. Yeah. We get the whole band, though. We get all the boys.
I do like the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic, though, of these three coming out. You on the flute, animatronic Matt on the flute, you three in the back playing keyboards and shit.
It is. You fucking... Steak and beans. Jane's steak and beans.
I'm talking borderline slushy. Don't talk about that. I get brewskis tomorrow. I'm trying to stay off the brewskis. I got to wait until tomorrow. And I know I got a six-pack of BLs in that fridge. Oh, man. Where are you going tomorrow? I got to go Pittsburgh way. I got a long-ass fucking week. I got to go to Pittsburgh, and then I'm going to stay in Pittsburgh Thursday, Cleveland Friday, D.C.
Saturday, and then Sunday I'm going to go to the Masters. What? Yes. That'll be sick. And they gave me one extra ticket. And they were like, my manager was like, you should take Gerben. He loves golf. I was like, that hang is going to suck dick. And I called him because he loves golf. So I called him and I was like, bro, I got us tickets to the Masters on Sunday, which is that's the day. Yeah.
Oh, dude. Very easy. Short sentences, four word sentences.
And he was like, oh, my God. I was like, all you have to do is drink six beers. And he was like, I can't do it.
I just I can't. I don't know what to tell you. I can't do it. He was practicing. He does drink. He's just a little fuck. What? Everybody that talks to me is like, yeah, Gervin was wrecked. I saw him. I'm like, that fucking asshole won't drink with me. Why? He does every single time. He always drinks. Yeah, you're going to get him a beer. But he's always a little reluctant baby. Yeah.
He was drinking three Bud Lights and watching the Phillies. That was last baseball season. I'm sure this baseball season, especially the Phillies, are off to a red hot start. Yeah, so what's going on with him? He's just being a baby. He just does that. Yeah. It's like his nature. Yeah. To be like, I'll take you to the Masters if you drink a six pack of light beer throughout the day.
It's like six hours. Yeah, it's not that bad. It's nothing. Yeah.
He's got to do it. I was like, you have one hour to respond. And I hung up. And then he never responded, so I was like, you're coming. I got you the ticket. That's so fucking funny. He called my bluff. That's so funny. So me and Gerby Babies at the Masters.
I had to buy, yeah, you can't wear this. What do you got to wear? Like a polo? You got to kind of wear, yeah. I just got to find pants that aren't jeans. Go to Dick's. I'll go to Dick's Sporting Goods.
I ordered a bunch of Under Armour golf gear, but I hope it's not skin tight because I'm not wearing tight pants and walking around all day in fucking Georgia. I didn't even think about it from that angle. Yeah.
Yeah. I think it'll actually be nice weather, though. Probably.
Augusta weather Sunday.
I'm going to make sure I ruin this experience. I'm bringing him there to ruin the Masters.
Irish space shuttles is so fucking funny. Boy, I bet the Masters has good shuttles. Oh, probably.
I don't know, though. It's a lot of fucking people out there. Yeah, you're right.
But I'm sure they are. But I feel like that's the one it's like, I don't know if it's going to be like Kentucky Derby where everyone just gets dressed up and gets fucking obliterated. Yeah. Golfers. This is Mecca. This is like a genuine. True. But in honor to order or honor the golf gods, you do get wrecked, but I'm sure they're very strict about it there.
Yeah, it's awesome. They build, like, a stadium around the course. And they just get fucking hammered. Like, they build, like, big stands.
Kind of, yeah, on certain holes. I think the 17th. I think the 17th at the Waste Management. What's the waste management thing? That's just like a tournament? It's just a PGA tournament in Phoenix. Dang. People go nuts there.
Hole to hole. Some people post up. Yeah. You get a good spot at a hole. Just chill. Just chill. I don't know how you don't get fucking obliterated at this thing. Just sitting outside in a beautiful area. Yeah. Just waiting for another golfer to come by.
Yeah.
Yeah. It's fun to be there and play.
Kirby's is going to be in heaven. He's going to be in heaven.
Yeah. It's so fucking fun. He's spending his tires money on a sick indoor golf thing in his garage.
the video of him practicing is so funny and losing his club into the trees oh one time we were at the bar and he was like he just he's always he's one of those guys that once he started playing golf it's the only fucking thing he talks about yeah literally it's the only thing he talks about at all fucking times and uh we're at the bar and he was like could you put on the uh tournament
Came back like I had that alligator skin. But... I've got it right now. I was staring at my skin the entire meeting I was just having. For one straight hour, I was going, God damn, I got dry skin. Yeah, I do that every now and again. Shane, what do you think of that? Yeah. For sure.
And they're like, oh, sure. So we're just watching golf. And he's like, God, I'd just love to be like a commentator for one of these things. I think I could do it. And I was like, well, it's on mute now. Just commentate.
just commentate now and i made him sit next to me and commentate on the golf it was so good he's like and uh rory rory he's looking good today he's uh oh that was a good shot and uh it's good for him he's off so the next golfer it was just because he was like that's my dream and then i made him do it and i was like see how bad you are he's ruined his dream you can't do your dream yeah
It's impossible, but he went for it. He believed in himself.
Yeah, he was trying his best.
I don't know. Does he go golfing a lot or does he stay? Yeah, he goes. Well, he's up in PA now, so he's been on the indoor for a while. But I'm sure he's ready to break loose. Spring has sprung. True. The Gerbys is out. Westchester has nice courses.
After a little, yeah.
Yeah. That makes sense. I think they're crud.
Yeah, why don't you keep playing? This is the best round of your life.
Yeah, that shit's terrible.
Yeah.
Also, this is just nap. This is nap time. For real. Which I understand. My dad watched a lot of golf. Naps to it. Perfect. It's the best nap. Yeah. But if other people are around and you're like, put on the PGA Tour. Also, it's not Sunday. You're watching fucking Friday night.
Yeah. Put on the British Open.
Yeah, you don't have to talk. Yeah, she's on vacation. We can chill.
We can watch fucking remodeling shows.
Yeah.
I ran into a wife crusher last night. What? Put on Interstellar. Really? Not for the babes. There's a lot going on. You've got to explain relativity in the middle of a movie. But it's emotionally charged. You go, well, what's going on there with relativity? And I go, well, I know what it is, but I can't explain it to you.
But I understand relativity.
Master those.
It was, yeah, but it worked. It worked eventually, but there was a lot of questions. Yeah, like, wait. There was a lot of questions. He's behind the fucking bookshelf because he's in another dimension. Yeah, somehow humans built the other dimension within the black hole to guide him there from the future because we figured it, yeah.
Yeah. They were trying to say, like, I can't believe you guys have smoked enough weed to think you understand quantum physics.
Both of you are like, no, I get it. It's very simple. You don't. You don't understand.
I know you remember the words. Neither of you can explain any of it. I can explain it right now. You can explain quantum mechanics to me?
You're already off to a good start with rest upon. Yeah.
I do remember that. I know what that is. And if you're looking, it's there. If you're not looking, that one?
he's like now steve's a family man through and through and he's like a guy taking his family to a football game he shits his pants it's so funny dude it's so funny i shit my pants before the super bowl did you six sixth grade oh shit yeah i was trying to cut weight got vicious diarrhea from not eating or eating some crazy shit
And you've wrapped your head around that.
It is cool, without a doubt. It's just super cool. But yeah, I just never got high enough to be like... You got to get high as fuck. I fully understand this. I don't feel that's a thing. It's a bottomless mystery. I think while you're high, you feel like you fully understand it. You're in awe. That's the thing. I'm just in awe. I know he believes he understands it, and that's fine.
Yeah, I could say things like this. Anybody can say things like this. This is true. It's just like unlimited energy and waves.
That was good. That was a good rundown.
Fucking bullshit. Yeah, right. You get Nat Geo?
That's sick. I haven't seen a good Nat Geo in forever. I used to be so pumped when I would get a hold of a Nat Geo.
It's good to have, and it's good to tell people you have them. You go, I actually have The Atlantic.
And then right when we got to, right when we drove the whole way to the field, I shit.
Steak and beans. Steak and beans. The mayor, you need to stop focusing on quantum physics and focus on getting your jack-off computer out of a kitchen.
And your shoe fell off.
Imagine the quantum goon. Two guys can jack off in the same apartment at once. Two male roommates can jack off in the same apartment at once.
Lemaire, stop. Not the kitchen. It's the gravity. He's sending me coordinates. I learned about dark matter today.
It was what we call the Super Bowl. It was just pony. Yeah, what do you mean? And shit, yeah, I was in sixth grade. I was playing in the Super Bowl. I was trying to cut weight for the bowl.
Yeah. We got to switch over to the Patreon. God bless. So bad.
No, no, the Rams, Rams Titans. That was sixth grade, sixth grade Super Bowl. Titans weren't going to let me play unless I cut weight. No, I had to lose weight. You were about to play in the bowl. Yeah, I was about to play in the bowl. First bowl game. That was my first Super Bowl.
And I shit. And then I tied a hoodie around my waist. I was wearing white shorts. And I knew it had to have gone through. It was a spurt. It was a spurt. It was right when I was getting out of the car. Some people were just watching me walk away. And I tied my hoodie around my waist like a fucking weirdo.
I mean, what else can you do?
Come on, man.
Yeah.
I wasn't staring at my skin. I know. I've been pretty spacey today, too. I wasn't staring at how red my face is the entire Zoom meeting, just going, Jesus Christ.
We probably got some good shit-your-pants stories out of this crew. It looks like we got some bruisers in this squad. Yeah, I... Well, Meezy, when's the last time? Meezy, yeah. Come on, man. I'm not a pantshitter.
No, when you say you don't really, I mean, the last time I shit my pants was like sixth grade. It's not like I really shit my pants.
By the way, as I was saying it, I realized that's a complete lie. We've got to save the tails for the book. True. You should take this to Simon & Schuster.
You've got nothing on me. Take this to Simon & Schuster. I feel like there's guys that shit their pants a lot. Didn't Del Calo talk about it a lot?
I bet you guys are shitting your pants at the creek in the cave a lot when you guys are out. Yeah, I probably have shit my pants. Lamar, why are you acting like this isn't you?
Or just had a messy fart? That counts. A messy fart is what basically we're talking about.
I fart in my sleep. You stink fucking rooms. You can't even think of it.
You got to get poisoned a lot.
I should do cat face. Just put the cat face. You ever see that lawyer? It was during COVID, and an old guy had to call in for a thing, and his grandkids were fucking with the computer, and it was like a cat. When he talked, it would talk, and he was like... I'm not a cat. And they're like, yeah, we know. It's classic. That is pretty good. I've been fired up. There's too many skeeters.
How was the episode received? I figured, right? Yeah, because it was supposed to be a Patreon episode. Yeah, I know. Me, Guard Dog, and we let the squad down a little. No, I don't think so at all. I thought we had it. I thought we had one. You guys went into the fucking... We were at Chappelle's. We had it. We recorded it. The ask is great. Dude, I'm so scared of asking.
I've asked Chappelle to do so many things.
I know.
I was like, Dave, this is crazy. Feel free to say no. We got to do a podcast. Depends when you ask him.
Yeah. And then in the morning you go, there's no way he's going to do that. Yeah. And then he was like, I don't want to do it. And I was like... Fair. Fine. And then I waited like 20 minutes. I called him back and I was like, dude, dude, just do the fucking podcast.
They're not fucking... But then we did it and the audio is... Not Guard Dog's fault, but the audio is horrendous. Maybe we'll put it out on Patreon, but it's not... I listen to some. The audio is not... It's just... I had... I was just nervous and the conversations just kind of... Me... it's one of those podcasts we do where you go, I'm just going to tell him these stories.
I'm talking only to him. Yeah. Everybody that's listened to it has heard me tell these stories. Yeah. 900 times, but I'm just trying to talk to him. I don't know.
I ended up being a dud.
Yeah.
But the mic was on the bar and he was just walking around. Such a power move. So you can't really hear him. Yeah. He'll hop in sometimes.
Yeah.
Literally, I'm just sitting there going, no one's going to be able to hear this. He's just walking around.
yeah i don't know you should have lobbed him with the mic i think he rightfully doesn't doesn't give a fuck yeah he just didn't give a fuck and i was you know i was like we're not gonna film it there's no video yeah you know that's sick because he's always worried about getting clipped yeah like everything he says someone's gonna clip yeah true and it's like yeah he's he was he was in the crossfire for a while or the crosshairs for a while there with netflix
Yeah? Oh, yeah. What is it? What's it called?
The skeeters, the Texas mosquitoes. They do. They don't.
I never had access to old black people radio. It's fucking sick. It's like four songs. Central PA did not even close. I mean, I remember being excited when we got popped.
I got to ask to do Club Shay Shay.
When's it coming? I haven't done it yet. I'm just going to say my friend Matt's a Hollywood pedophile. That's all I'm going to do. He's going to go, what? I'm going to say, yeah.
you gotta do Shay Shay no I just I would love to whenever I'm hopefully I can be in town for it where is where is he where is Shay Shay I don't know they were talking about doing it in Vegas at one point dang but I don't know where it is me either it's probably LA or Atlanta I was thinking I was thinking yeah where do they film Shay Shay Yeah, I've been checking in. I can probably get in there.
Oh, dude, that's the best. When did you jump off the porch? They all use, like, good slang.
Oh, Skrilla was, he interviewed Skrilla on one of them. And Skrilla was the man. Skrilla is the man. So far, everybody in Philly was like, Mr. Disrespectful.
I was like, Matt's going to do it, and Matt's going to try his hardest. And there's going to be no... There's no pressure. Like, he's going to just be like, I'm going to do my best. That's exactly what I did. Yeah, I know.
RIP. Bro. He got killed. It was the funniest interview I've ever seen. He's like, so why do they call you Mr. Disrespectful, bro? He's like, I'll just really be disrespecting everybody. It's like, all right, you fucking asshole.
He digged up the ops graves.
Yeah, he got killed right after that interview. Yeah. But Skrilla was the only one that, because every time he always asks, he's like, would you put the guns down if the ops put the guns down? And everyone's always like, no, we got to exterminate the ops. Yeah. Skrilla was just like, yeah. Yeah. For sure. I think he had like a nice upbringing. Or nicer.
Yeah, he kind of rules.
I did like Mr. Disrespectful. I love, yeah. It was pretty fun to look how he handled himself.
I was like, holy shit.
Did you know that that's what it was going to be like?
Yeah, you see, I've gotten in fights at games.
It's crazy how people think they can talk to you during a football game.
Because you can just destroy somebody and just shove them. I had some Michigan fans a while ago. Did you? Behind me and my cousin. Bro. And my cousin's nuts. He's out of his mind. And these guys were talking shit. And they're like, oh, what are you guys going to do about it? And I was just like, we're going to fucking kill you guys.
They did. They were the row behind us. But we would have fucked them up.
Yeah, I guess I have been in every game I go to. The Ohio State-Notre Dame game.
That's family business. All right? Don't bring up Notre Dame.
People are going to catch some strays. After all we did for the whole world, the Catholic Church. I know, dude. What did Penn State do? One title in 60 years under Joe Puff?
You get fired for that around Notre Dame, right?
I think that's mine. What are you doing with it? Let's get mad at coffee.
It's too big. So when I was living here, I started to like – not like Penn State, but you know what I mean. I'm like – Yeah, exactly. I know some of the guys that played for him now, and it's like –
especially in the south where like the north they can't play football yeah yeah yeah so then you start to be like now penn state's actually not bad yeah and then i went back home for five months surrounded by my friends yeah i fucking hate penn state i fucking hate them i hate them dude
It's the semifinals. So we're down to four. It's going to be Ohio State-Texas on Friday.
i i mean yeah i i maybe or maybe i just dissociated it makes total sense that's why i spazzed and talk shit on saving like the fake because he was like what do you think about the game and i was like i don't know fucking nick saving cheated it was just a full spaz it was so good though i mean that i get i'd like to explain that because that was so
Definitely need Texas to win that.
You were drunk trying to get into the cemetery.
The Freedom Trail. Isn't that what it's called? No.
What's his name? You see that? Sam from Boston. No, he used to do the... Yeah. Sam Huck used to do that.
He used to be a reenactor on that. Yeah. Anyway.
after i said that we had to go into the stadium to sit at the desk which is where he didn't he wasn't with us when i said it the first time yeah yeah so then i got in there and right before we go on he looks at me and he's like i heard what you said and i was like holy shit and then herb street and mcafee were like he's just breaking your balls dude he loves messing with guys like he's literally just fucking with you and i was like oh all right i'll fuck with him back
You got to go to the Cheers Bar.
so dude they have they have oh god they have those dumb plates you can buy that's exactly what this fucking dipshit brought well dude they have you want to hang it in here they have like a bucket and they have they have little day one during his panic attack from moving he thought he was dying he was laying on my couch like i'm dying it's like you're just you're just nervous from the move bro it's okay how many didn't you drink like 10 jake paul drinks on the way down here
Zoomed in on my face for a full episode.
It was six Celsius. Oh, my God.
Yeah, the next day.
And I go to Nickel City at night.
It was a good time. It was New Year's Eve. It was a good time. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.
You made no friendly advances.
Yes. Strictly business. Straight from the Cheers bar. You were nothing but serious at this point.
She's going to love this one.
We can fuck around. So then I would have never done that if I thought he was serious. Yeah. But they told me he was fucking around. So I started fucking with him. And then as soon as we get done, I tell Herb Street and McAfee, I'm like, bro, he was definitely serious. And they were like, no way he was serious. Go talk to him. So I went up to him after news like,
Who does he think he is touching? Obviously my wife.
She has a crush on me.
The horniest guys on earth are guys talking to car girls that golf. Those are the horniest guys. There's videos. There's videos. You can find it. There's some good videos online of guys coming up to car girls and like, you understand how beautiful you are, right? Like what you do, you brighten my day. Like cutting her off from getting back in the cart and being like, I love you.
yeah and just just out of like like literally innocent it's the hottest outfit possible yeah it's like tennis skirt and polo i was trying to figure out i was like is this a thing i thought it was just like a one-off and she comes to give you drinks and snacks really while you're already hammered on the golf course and you go see i didn't know that and while your wife is saying where are you you've been gone too long you go bitch i'm on the third fucking hole
I went to the driving range a couple times. Driving range is sick. With Gerby's. He loves it. It's all Gerby's talks about.
Yeah, you could just walk on.
People might come up and be like, who are you? I'm hiking.
My daughter was, I'm from Pennsylvania. My daughter went missing. I think she's a car girl.
Yeah, you can play. People ask me to go golfing all the time. I'm like, bro, I'll hit a 250. Yeah. You won't believe the number I'll hit.
Unless we're drinking.
The back nine, you're blacked out. You get to drive a golf cart around. You go, watch this.
They got to figure out how to hit it under pressure.
You think the SEC dominated because we cheated? That's bullshit. And he spats on me. Weren't you helping him down? So he was still on the stage and I was on the field. So after he yelled at me, I had to help him down. And he looked around to see if anybody else could help him, but I had to help him down.
Yeah, if I hit a car, I'm obviously leaving and not telling anyone I did that.
That was so fun.
I was hammered just watching them play ping pong at night. Yeah, that was... It was great. I just sat on the couch, watched you guys try your hardest, diving. Were you surprised about the fucking... It was really good. But then I did... When you went to bed, I said... I'm going to bring in my old workhorse, Chris O'Connor. Get down here. I know O'Connor's going to be good at this.
O'Connor was nasty.
That was my favorite part of the trip, probably. I was talking you and James into going back down and competing again.
Yeah, they were like, Matt told me who won. They played three games?
Okay. It was an easy one. Even Hammer did just be like, James, didn't you just say you won the game? He did.
And then they both are like, no, no. We had to go back upstairs. You guys were itching to play anyway.
I'd see you out there. I'd like to see you at a home run derby. I bet you can hit it.
Yeah, because it was scary because someone was throwing a fast pitch.
Just kill me. Knock me the fuck out. I'm done with this day already.
I'm worried about that.
I said, you better slow down, man.
You're going to break a fucking collarbone or something. I'm not worried about bones.
You're going to look like a dumbass.
That's a nightmare to have it slowly zoom on your face for a full episode. Dude, that was the best.
Bro, it's skate life at this point. That's what I'm talking about. You're a skater boy. You're obviously going to seduce women. I'm not going to. Well. Come on, man. Look, here's what I'm about. If I see a guy on the board, I go, honey, don't look. Honey, close your fucking eyes. Don't look.
Next time I do game day, I'm dressing exactly like him. I'm wearing that hat.
There's a guy on the pump track going one mile an hour. Don't look.
How many bails have you been bailing out in Arlie?
And that's it's hills. Right.
Like a little skullcap. Is that Ralph? Is Ralph the bully? No, Ralph Nelson. But Nelson's friend. Nelson's friend is who I was thinking of.
Nelson is the boy.
I feel like all the skater girls look like Jimbo Jones and Dolph Starbeam.
So much better than your boyfriend.
You're trying to show off for the little kids. You're Matt Skate Dusky.
Run your game right now.
I have San Antonio, Dallas, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Vancouver, Seattle, Minneapolis, Tampa, Jacksonville. Be on the lookout. Let me see who's not selling tickets. What the heck's going on here? Whoa. Birmingham, Alabama. I need you. I'll be in Birmingham, Alabama. April 26th. What else you got? Go ahead.
Hey. Take a knee. Take a knee.
Take a knee. Take a knee.
Hey, everybody. Hello. It's me, LaMare. January 16th, I'm going to be at Hilly-Philium. Hilly-Philium. Hilly-Philium. Come to that. That'll be sick. Hilly-Philium. January 19th, the Emmaus Theater. Please come there. Yeah. LaMare, leave that fun.
Walked straight into it.
Goodbye. Thank you. Let's get back to that fun episode. Hey, Sean. No, you decide. Stop rolling your eyes, dude. God. I'm just joshing you, bud. Hot motherfucking day. I mean, it's been so wonderful to be back. It's been nice, man. To see the fellas.
But now they're back. Now the bros are back.
Morale's at an all-time high.
Now you're back. Now you guys run the mothership. Now that I'm back, you guys get to walk around with your chest held a little higher. You go, do you know who my friend is?
You should, dude. Why not? You guys got to do battle with the Kill Tony crew. Yeah, you guys. You have to. We can't do that, dude. Why? You have to battle them. They think they own you guys.
Don't get me started, dude. I'll do it. You will do it.
You're going to do it without us even fucking asking. And I'm not defending you. I'm going to side with the Kill Tony crew. The Kill Tony crew of mutants versus guard dog.
Thick and thin, dude.
You're going to have to take on the mutants.
It's time for major moves.
I'm going to need some beefs.
Oh, have you been publicly spazzing?
I have not publicly spazzed. I've independently spazzed. I've privately spazzed. I've privately spazzed a lot.
I'm not getting enough stage time.
I think I think I I kind of was right though. Now that the SEC isn't the only conference that can pay players.
They hate me over there. You know what the beef, this is the beef. I'm going to manifest it. Hans Kim versus Nate Marshall.
I need that beef. That'd be a good beef. That's a good beef.
That's a great beef.
It's going to be such an easy one to start. Just immediately have Nate be like, he didn't say shit, but what if he did? Yeah, it'd be fun to get in there.
Dude, was that the thing that ran again?
No, there's a fucking creature that lives in my house that sprints across the roof, dude. It literally sounds like a man. It sounds like it's two feet. It's just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it'll stay still for an hour.
It's either a raccoon or a possum. I've seen a couple possums around this way. I do like the possums. I've seen them crawl across the fence back there.
You had them executed for your porch?
Yeah, it's not. So that's the thing. I think a lot of the coaches can distance themselves from it. Be like, I don't fucking, we didn't pay players. I don't know how all these guys got Dodge Chargers, but I didn't fucking do it. I don't know how everyone on the team has chains and cars.
No. What, the smell? No, it couldn't be a dead animal on the roof that smells bad for a year.
Who are these people?
He does like to grub. He just wants to grub. He seemingly wants a way out. He just doesn't care, dude. How's his legs? How's his surgery? His leg's good. It went well?
So like, that's when it's, that's your dog.
Something's wrong with your vagina.
That would, that might affect longterm.
Well, I was, I've been telling, I'm like, but it might be even weirder if you're like, no, honey, your vagina is great.
Dude, I wish Notre Dame was fucking cheating.
Trying to get in there and snack a little.
It'd be awesome.
Give me the sweat. Let me eat it.
Notre Dame vacated wins because a couple players cheated on, like, a summer class. Meanwhile, the SEC was like, we'll give Cam Newton $500 million if he comes to this school. Yeah, true.
Free time's pretty sick. Although, too much free time.
I just had too much free time. Once we finished filming Tires, and then I was just in Westchester. Nothing to do.
He hates Notre Dame, dude. Fuck him. What's his problem? I don't know. He dresses like a cat. He literally looks like a cartoon cat.
An empty house, silent, and then they're like, I'll just go across the street and walk along the creek. That's chill. It was nice. That's chill. But it was also dead silent out there. You walk back in your house, it's a giant, silent, old fucking house from the 1700s. I'm just standing in there like...
fuck i gotta do stand-up that gets so disorienting we're like what am i the sun goes down at fucking 2 p.m yeah i'm just standing there in the dark a haunted house the house makes noises i'm scared now and it's dark for 10 straight hours it's dark to i'm awake the whole time it's dark it's scary i'm scared for hours it was remote too it was very remote and i was very scared
That's how you got rid of your Christmas tree?
I wish I was doing crazy. I had a couple fires. I had some fires going. Bro, I'm telling you. I spent most of my time standing outside looking for drones. That was a fun nighttime task. I would go, ooh, there's no clouds tonight. I'm going to go try to find drones. If you got a sighting, that would have been that. I saw several planes that I stood there for 10 minutes watching. That could be.
Are your neighbors out, or is this just you and your family?
We had our friends over. Dude, the neighbors must be like, what the fuck's this guy doing?
You should just expand throughout your neighborhood.
You should start setting up chill spots.
He's huge, bro.
You're buying up land.
My sister's running into a big problem with Indian neighbors.
I was by there for Christmas. No lights.
Her whole neighborhood's Indian people. Bruh.
Nobody's cutting the grass.
It's just wild. Ah, it's not good. Everyone's holding hands, walking outside. Or they hold hands.
that's the move where it's an indian lady and then the husband's five feet behind her hands behind his back they did get that right that's nice going on a walk with your lady blows stagger it try to hold hands or something it's like i'm walking yeah hey i'm walking here what is three-legged race and then you get like a narrow part of the path and you slow down to let her go first then she slows to instinctively stops yeah you go no yeah this is a single file part of the path
That is nice.
I hit my lady with one of those recently. I was like, god damn, I've been sitting around.
He's wearing future clothes.
Nice. Yes, sir. Let's switch over to the Patreon. We'll see you on the Patreon, good friends.
Is Scamalib? Yeah, dude. Scam Noodle. Yeah, I guess you could tell by the fucking outfit. Yeah, bro. Otherwise, it's Scam Noodle.
Just dueling Gordons. Especially if we got in an argument.
But it was funny. Scam Newton, I was wrong about him, though, in the NFL. I remember having a very intense argument with my college roommates being like, Jimmy Clawson is a professional passer from Notre Dame. Cam Newton, you can't run like that in the NFL, dude. This guy's going to get fucking killed. He dominated his whole career. He was incredible. He's changed the game.
yeah he was nasty did you see him throw hands at one time yes he's also terrifying so that was kind of nice we're just joking around scam yeah scam i'll stop going scam cam you're the man oh scram no you'd be scram newton scram newton yeah scrambling yeah he there was the man he really like it's wild to be that old and get like into like i mean i would say the bleeding edge of fashion Yeah.
It's crazy. It's also weird to be that big. Yeah, true. You can't be like giant and wearing cool stuff. It looks nuts. It's very erotic to be threatening. You ever see Magic Johnson's son? I just saw a video of him yesterday. He's still going nuts, dude. Yeah. What's that kid's name? I mean, dude.
Yeah, when they zoom in on my face, I was like, fuck, they're definitely going to catch me being a little bitch. Like you say something to me being like, oh, yeah, right. As if. As if, Matt. It's good to be back. It's fantastic. Last time I saw you was Notre Dame.
That would be crazy. No, I was right about that. Did he? Did he attack the UCLA football coach with a kettlebell? What? Yeah. Primal? You think it was a primal on it? It was probably, yeah. It was probably facing a gorilla head.
Damn, his son was pretty good, it looks like. Really? I don't know if he played ever because his dad attacks him with a kettlebell.
Three way. I mean, all facets of the game. You had it.
Actually, Saban mentioned he said, who was that guy who kicked that ball?
True. I do wish my father had held it down like Diddy like that. Yeah, man. Came down to Elon with me the whole year I was riding the bench, just attacked our strength and conditioning coach with a kettlebell. Got his ass beat by our strength and conditioning coach.
Occasionally, he would come watch practice, which was a little weird. Was he quiet, though? He didn't say anything. He just would look over, and you'd see a car in the parking lot. You'd be like, how bored is this fucking guy? No, he probably loves it, dude.
Phil could be your mentor. That would be nice. Phil could mentor you.
I think my mom just had knee surgery today and my dad's not home helping her because he's going to a girls basketball practice. We'll be like, Phil, skip the fucking practice. No way. She just helped him the entire time.
The whole time he was recovering from that. I mean, girls are so good at that. Day two. She got surgery yesterday. Really? And he's already, he's like, I got to go to the practice. Duty calls.
That was like, so when I was on my way there and I hit up McAfee, because I don't know, I wanted to get the bros on. For sure. And I was like, the only thing I can think of is Matt coming out. If Matt kicks a field goal, he'll do it. You know what I mean? Like anybody else would be like, fuck no. Like, that's, like, scary. Dude, I don't know. When you told me... And Matt just answered.
K&N, bro. Yeah, I know. Just fucking ketamine.
You just go down. You just go down. Yeah, that's nice.
Ain't nobody control. I've been watching a YouTube guy that you've probably watched or would enjoy. There's like a Pakistani English guy. I think he's Pakistani. I don't know. For sure. But he goes to America to go to hoods and interview people. Really? In the ghetto. Dude, that's a huge genre right now. So, Brav, when did you decide to jump off the porch?
The Wild Wild West. You guys want to smoke another cigarette out there and perv out or what?
But, yeah, man, he's iced out now. He's got the swastika ice fucking flooded on both sides, too. If you can't flood the other side of swastika, it's flooded on both sides.
A lot of them.
Yeah. Never mind.
Yeah, I mean, it'll be interesting, man. This is just a phase. He's going to be on to something else. Yeah.
Oh, man. Yep. Yeah, he was showing that thing off. Oh, shit. I mean, here's the thing.
No, hell yeah. It's all flooded out, bro. You were just saying if anyone else can't flood the other side of there, so I'll stick a diamond. They're swastika diamond pendant. He was calling them a loser. He said, what are you, a fucking loser? Damn. Yeah, he's flexing, man. He's got a new song. His new songs are out. You read the lyrics. They're pretty. I mean, they're so funny. I haven't. Yeah.
well do these guys seem so confident they're in like a very like so goddamn cool room and they were like well obviously tesla driving a tesla reduces your testosterone by 18 and the other guy goes i mean yeah that that's indisputable the emfs they're trying to say the emfs from electric vehicles lower your testosterone and i can't get it out of my head
Oh, his new raps are tough to find. Oh, they're on Twitter. He's doing like vocal runs of like the lyrics. And it's like, again, he is a wordsmith. But it's just about him being a Nazi. That's so funny. Oh, it's a Nazi album? I mean, the cover of the album is a giant swastika as well. He's fond of them right now.
it was a joke he's doing it man and you know that's the uh i mean it is a good experiment like what if we just let all the worst stuff out of the bag and you know maybe it'll prove that most people actually are pretty level-headed and they'll just be like oh fuck this is weird but uh we feel confident this won't catch on that's the thing i think people worry this is gonna catch on and people are gonna be like hold on a second actually yeah yeah
I feel like every, I don't know, I feel like black men do have a hall pass right now to be like, dude, this is my favorite artist. I don't know, I was just trying it out too. Black men kind of have a Nazi hall pass for the next, I think 2025 is all about the black male Nazi hall pass.
Lamar, as a hill dyer yourself, you've got to be just taking notes. Is that what you're taking notes on right now?
Oh, yeah.
They might be hitting more of the white algos right now.
That makes sense. My algo is crazy, dude. I'm the least xenophobic guy in the world. And I get nothing... I get nothing but just the craziest content. Yeah. And, you know, I watch it, but it's like it's so hard. It works. I become hateful. It works really well. It literally is is all hate. It's for real. Yeah. And it works. I mean, it's just it works is that it gets the most numbers every fight.
Seven million views. And then I watched a really like it was like a genuinely touching video of like it was like a bunch of like young black kids about to fight. And this old man came up and gave him. Do you see that? Yeah. Give him the speech. Like, what are you doing? Blah, blah, blah. I checked the view count. I was like 200,000. Then it was just a lady getting socked in the face.
I got picked up on an Uber the other day, and I was like, God damn, bro.
Seven million. I was like.
Maybe they'll rise, the thousand-man slut ladies. Everyone's worried about Kanye and his Nazi army. What if those ladies rise? That's a problem. They're putting together an army. They are, dude. They could send those thousand men. One of them's pregnant. One of the sluts. One of the sluts. That was fake. It was fake? It was fake. Well, wasn't she like raising awareness? That made no sense.
She goes, using my platform to raise awareness for pregnant ladies. I'm a lady? Yeah, that's some bullshit. You shouldn't fake being pregnant. That's not right. I agree. It's a classic. Why was she faking it? What a fucking psycho lady move.
Fuck you, dumb bitch. If you put that trial on her, I'll fucking kill you, bitch.
I'm sure. Well, she would have showed that fast either. I got trained. I'm a fucking dumbass. I should have known that.
Or maybe months ago. And perhaps before that thousand man gangbang, she was maybe up to some other lewd acts before that. No, her?
That's all we'll have now. That's the world, dude. In 2030, it'll just be Nazi men and thousand lady slut gangbangs.
That's a weird arms race because then someone's got to go. There's got to be like a speed of sound kind of thing. Like someone's going to hit the absolute limit. Or do you try to work it where like if a thousand in a day, I'm still kind of like, I don't think it's to completion. Or is a gay guy going to step up and go, this is how guys do it?
I think thinking about your testosterone.
Are we going to smash the record?
Yeah, where are all my motherfucking sweet boys at, man? Let's fucking fire this up.
We can't have them crushing the record. Although that could be one of those things. You ever see when guys go like, this is the women's powerlifting record and just crush it?
Women might. That might be their record, man. I don't know if a dude could break a thousand guys in the butt. That seems like it would actually kill you. In the butt's love. Yeah.
From what?
Yeah.
True. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. Got my green shirt. My whole family, we decked the kids out today. Gave them the little beads in their braids. Orange, white, and green. It was pretty sick. Yeah, we irished him out. It was pretty sick.
You got to break out a celebratory claw.
You did a kegger yesterday?
Did you get roasted or did you judge the roast? No, I was judging. That's sick. Yeah, it was pretty fun. I get anxiety thinking about those things. Yeah. Just being up on a roast battle, it would just get demolished and be like, no, seriously, you're being a fucking dick right now.
This is bullshit. Even judging to catch one, I'm like, fuck you. You know what, man? I never do this. I never do this. Fuck you, man.
She was very nice. She was nice. She was so nice. That's a smart gal. Take the stress off the real one and be like, here, fucking pull it out.
No, what were you saying?
They stut them out. For breeding purposes.
The clone army. The clone army. No, that nation would be captured by the sluts instantly. That's what I'm saying. There would be serfs in the sluts.
You guys would be serfs in the sluts. Fuck the ladies pocket pussy in Metter. Dude, it'd be Simpsvane. Simpsvane, dude. No way, dude. Simsburg would be conquered immediately.
How? That's your core. Did you ever see Inside Out? That's like the core marble. That's like the core memory. You're the loneliest guy alive.
Damn, the clone Nate would attack the clone the mares.
Yeah, true. Although the black skinhead Nazis would have some pussy going on. You know? They would be strictly... You guys, your queen would be... You guys would answer to your queen. The naked lady. Who's Kanye's naked wife?
That's just one of his side... Yeah, that's like... I mean, that's his wife.
I think that's a room. They tricked me a couple times. Did they actually break up? I'm not sure.
I know. That's the funniest thing. She's being mind-controlled. Or she's a slut. Hey, that's a man's wife, man.
I think that's actually part of you hot wife to get a bull.
To get a bulldozer.
Yeah, you're a fucking bulldozer troll.
No way.
Yeah, you're absolutely right. Podcasting has destroyed... The EMF's coming from... I don't even know what they are, but those... The EMF's are coming from podcasts.
He might have the clone. He might have the clone on him.
Well, there's a lot of enhanced ladies, too. A lot of ladies are going to start. We're going to have a lady singularity because they're starting to all look the same.
Time stomps. Dude, by the way, remember last week when I was saying on White Lotus when the guy said swastika? Yeah. He did say swastika. Everyone thought. They're like, no, it's swastika. I believed you. It was swastika.
Didn't she just have a movie come out too? I don't think so. They did like a movie in Japan that was called like Bianca. About her? Yeah, I swear to God. She starred in a movie in Japan.
For sure. Surrender at the women. I mean, that's that. Huh? That's true. Yeah. She's got a movie started in Japan. You're tapped in. I take a break. I just go on. I put the phone down, bro. It's on X on my computer. I take a break from writing and I go, I go into X and I go, oh, shit. Holy fuck. It's happening. She's got a fucking movie on fun. Fucking in Japan.
Damn, what is the movie all about? I might fly to Japan and go to the premiere.
I might dress up a little bit. Yeah, I might dress up.
It's fashion-focused?
It could be the next summer block. This is the thing I was worried about.
If he comes out with a... Yeah, that's kind of... He's also banned from Italy, I think, from getting head on a boat. Oh, yeah. He's on the dongle and the gondola. He had plumbers crack. He was getting head. He had plumbers crack getting head on a boat in Italy. Apparently, Italy was like, you're not allowed to back in Italy. I can't believe Italy's against this. That's what I'm saying, dude.
That's like nothing for Italy. I would assume that's all Venice is. That's what it's about. You have a kid with a stick pushing you around. You have half your ass out. On a murky, fucking, shitty river. Madone. Yeah, this is a... I worry he's going to come out with an absolute summer banger, though. And everyone's going to be like, God damn, it's so good. That would be nice. It would be sick.
But that's going to... That could charge things up. If people are saying, you know, people will like, if the song's good, people are going to rap it. So if there's like clubs full of people all summer, they'll be like, yeah, I'm a motherfucking Nazi. Yeah. Yeah, you know, that could be problematic.
Yeah, if I was like Jewish in the club, if the club got that turned up, I'd be like, fuck. Yeah, true. That could be a problem.
Every fucking person on the internet.
But, yeah, I think we're safe from that. I don't think the Nazi stuff is going to catch on culturally. People really worry about that. It's like, nah. What do you mean?
No, I mean catch on, bro.
That's what I'm saying. But you're talking about a small percentage of people. There are already people banging like that. They just started tweeting about it. But if a fucking hit, undeniably hit, catchy song hits the mainstream, then it's a problem. But it's like, I don't know. Will people just fucking sing the song?
Because people listen to it. I don't know. If you think about gangster rap, does that have a weird subconscious sway? on like people's behaviors. I would say definitely. So maybe now I'm sounding like a white guy. No, I agree. I'm going to violent music. It makes you do violent things. That's his whole point.
Well, when Europe... That's the problem. When Europe gets tough guys... You got to watch their tough guys. Their tough guys go pretty wild.
He's like, if we can talk about killing each other in songs, why can't I talk about being a Nazi? I hear you. But either way, let's get out of this. Switching gears. By the way, you guys can't see my band. I don't want you guys to see this. It's fucking real badass. Matt tried to take his own life. For real. Matt got sad. For real, dude. Water. Dude, a five-gallon glass water jug got me.
I should have known. How the fuck? It's a five gallon jug. It's huge. I know. It's fucking massive. Where was that? Outside of my driveway. It got delivered. And I was like, you know, like my little thing near my garage. But I. What are you doing with it? I store. I store water. I always keep. I try to keep like 30 gals on me at all times. Why? Dude, remember when Philly? Were you in Philly?
I know you were in New York.
philly had like chemicals spill into the river oh yeah and then i started i started getting them there then i kind of liked the five gallon glass jugs so i just kept getting them delivered to my new house and they were outside and there was just a fucking there was a hole and i saw water i'm like what the fuck and then i saw a hole in one of them i don't know if they got like slammed down and popped yeah maybe somebody a lawnmower shot i don't know what happened but there's a hole i'm like that's weird so i went to pick it up and the it just it was already cracked i couldn't see it's when i picked it up the weight of it just came down and fucking oh fuck gash me right before this
I just dressed my wound and fucking, I apologize. This morning? Just now, like before I left.
Frank, it was bleeding. That's why I wrapped it so aggressively because it wouldn't stop bleeding. So I just wrapped it up and I was always like, you know, time do its thing. And also nicotine constricts the blood vessels. So I had to do that. Yeah, of course. I had to constrict my fucking blood vessels. I've been pretty disciplined on those things. They've been starting to fucking overcome.
They've been starting to break down. Yep, that's how it goes. So I'm no caffeine for lit. And honestly, dude, I think nicotine greater than caffeine, I would say.
We need more Teslers over there in Europe. Teslers. Yeah, the right wing in Europe. I don't read enough about it, but I think they're fucking heating up. They're heating up. Boom, shock alarm. They're heating up. He's on fire.
See, I couldn't. Now I can. Now I go, well, there's something better.
I wouldn't have the weekends. I wouldn't be writing, so I wouldn't be taking them, and I'd be like, man, I'm just really tired. I have no energy. I'm just really irritable right now. I must have some sort of bug. I'm like, oh, it's fucking nicotine withdrawal. God damn it. For sure. But no, I stay disciplined. I've been doing one a day. A three or one six? Huh? One three or one six? Three.
I'm a three milligram weirdo for sure.
like just like because you just yeah you're just paul's just swollen true sure thank you spicy it is spicy you swallowed a spicy dude i had a man don't stop taking notes yeah true man what did what's uh take me back to the last time our stenographer it says nicotine okay sir how'd you spell it uh n-i-c-o-t-i-n-e
I was hoping there was a K in there. Dude, I think I might have outed myself as an absolute psycho to my neighbor yesterday. Walked outside. I usually in the morning, nobody's out back and I let my dogs out. And we have a little frisbee outside that I'll throw to Matilda every now and then in the morning.
And if I'm in a rush, she doesn't get the frisbee, but she'll hit it and be like, and I was like, dude, you're not getting the frisbee. I was like, go pee. I was in a rush. I was like, go pee. My neighbor's on the other side of the fence. I was like, Matilda, go pee or I'll fucking kill you. And then I just hear, oh! I was like, ah!
Oh, hi. I don't really know what I said, so it might have been even worse. I just say the worst shit. Whenever she doesn't listen, I'll be like, for real, I'll cut your fucking head off. I'll just say, the start of the day and the end of the night, that's the last thing I do before I go to bed. I let them in if they don't listen. I'm like, you motherfuckers, get in here. I swear to fucking God.
The lady heard, I don't know what I said, but she heard me say it. She's like, oh. is she an older lady or yeah a little bit yeah oh i was like oh hey how you guys doing over there and i was like fuck what did i just say did you try to clean it up like i was just playing with him i talked to him like that not even i just let it run yeah i just let it ride
Yeah. That's how it ends. Our brothers in Europe, chill. Let us handle this shit.
But, yeah, other than that, though, dude, my backyard's been popping, dude. Gardening might be my favorite thing ever. That's very nice. You got animals in there still? Nope. I put a cayenne. So I tried the red pepper flakes to keep out the mice, but they're flakes. You got to get pepper powder.
My brother Kevin was telling me to get cayenne pepper powder, and I dumped like, I ordered like a pound of cayenne pepper powder and just dumped it where the, I fucked them up.
Yeah. Pause. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Oh, yeah. We're in the second half of the basketball season, and the race to the playoffs is heating up on PrizePix, the best place to cash in on your favorite sports. This is what we're thinking for picks this week. I mean, Shane, I'm looking at the basketball board and selecting, I don't know, maybe Jason Tatum for more than 25 points.
I like that a lot. I've never thought about Jalen Brown and doing fantasy sports action on more than four assists.
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It doesn't look good when they do it, too.
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Yes, more or less. More or less. Thousand times, dude.
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Bang. Just like that, 1,000 times more, you've won literally a billion dollars.
1,000 millions is a billion. 1,000 millions is a billion. That's all I'm saying, man.
You're mad at Elon? Maybe picks. A billion dollars to become a billionaire. Yeah. Picks.
Just... Fuck!
Oh, thank you. The, um... Yeah, dude. I, so I've been at war with the mice. I got that. What, what works for birds is birds were fucking me up too. You got to get shit in your garden that moves. So I have like in one of those owls, those like fake owls and its head swivels. I have wind chimes scares them.
And I also have like a little spinny things that they detect like motion that it freaks them out. But mice don't really give a fuck. So you got to give them like, you just got to spread, you just got to sprinkle the spices around for them. They step in that cayenne powder. They have, like, strong senses of smell, apparently. Oh, they don't like it.
Dude, where they, like, live, I just... A whole fucking... Just a big bag of cayenne powder. Just fucking them up. Fucked them up. Yeah. Not killing them. Just making them uncomfortable. Huh?
Just making them uncomfortable. They smell it. They're like, nah, I'm good on that. Yeah. Wait, are you done doing the... The bacon powder? Dude, apparently I made an ass of myself. They were close. I was close, but I don't know. I haven't seen them after that, though, I will say. And then some time passed, and I saw one. And, dude, I got... Too many radishes to lose right now, dude.
It turns out that's the only thing I can grow.
You sound like you're playing Animal Crossing. I'm going to pickle them. Do you get to eat any of the radishes yet? Not yet. I got like, they'll be, I think in a month they'll be fully grown. I got a lot. I'll drop some off to you.
I got some radishes and I'm growing flowers right now too.
What kind of flowers? I don't even know what they're called. They're just big. I just picked the craziest looking flowers. Yeah. I'm starting to see what it takes. So they're thriving. My flowers are thriving. My leeks are thriving.
I like that narrator, bro.
I got it right in time. And then I have, this will be, it's a year out, but I have blackberries, raspberries, just blackberries, raspberries, and like golden raspberries. I don't know. I've never heard of those.
It's just a, it's called a cane. So it's just a raspberry stalk. So it takes a year to bear fruit.
That's what I'm saying.
I have a couple carrots going. Your carrots are like, oh, fuck you. I'm going to eat a carrot from my garden. Come back one day. The greens are gone and they're all fucked up. And it's like, it's truly, it's kind of nice. I will say it does teach you patience. Because like every day it's like another thing to check and go, oh, you see a little bit of progress.
And then if I'm like rushing out the door, if I'm in like rush mode, I'm like, damn, I didn't water my garden yet. If I'm like, if I'm rushing to where I don't water my garden, I know I have a fucked up mentality and I got to switch back. I got to go Zandini. Keeps me Zandini because you got to go, dude, I got to stay kind of somehow connected to this.
Mystery. World War I is a total mystery.
I've been Zendini.
True, true, true. You're just defending yourself like a master. I've been pretty Zen. You're Zend out?
It's pretty Zendini to admit that, though.
Amazing.
I might move from Zendini to Sean Stradamus. It might have been the easiest prediction of all time. Yeah, that is true. Sean Stradamus?
Yeah, I'm back on my Zendini tip. I was off it for a while. Our day will come. Caffeine will put me... I'm not Zendini. When I'm on daily caffeine... Really? Oh, my God, no.
I get... Yeah, it's grumpy and it's like... I just have my fuse is so fucking short. Usually I'll notice things and I'll be like, okay, well, you shouldn't have done that. If I'm on the caffeine, I just fly.
That's the weirdest part.
I know, but I'm saying for sure. They catch the wrath. You're saying Zandini or Spazio? I think they do both. Yeah, they'll Spazio. They will. But when I crush the coffee and then the morning's euphoric, I have energy. When it starts to dip and I'm just like...
dude i was telling me all weekend i'm like my favorite thing is like i chill during the week and or during the weekend and then this sunday i drink i drink like as much coffee as my body can handle the point where i'm like what i get so jacked up on caffeine on sunday like two two cups for me i'm yeah that's what i mean yeah yeah dude and it was self-serve so i'm like talking 80 off it's like my second cup of coffee i'm like and then britney called me i'm like i'm having a conversation with her and our food comes out i don't even remember what i said to her i was like
i can't do this right now and i just hung up because like the waitress or waiter when i was met well oh dude that was handled and i didn't realize i did it until i'm like eating i'm like still like so anyway nate and i stopped and i was like oh shit i think i just hung up on britney and like a total coffee spaz I did. I apologize real quick.
Yeah, dude. How did that happen, though?
And she was just asking me normal shit. And I was like, I can't talk right now. I don't know what the fuck. You always keep me on the phone. Just fucking dick editor on the phone. Yeah. Totally uncalled for. And I did apologize. I was like, yeah. And she had been like, although was she driving? She wasn't even slaving me. She wasn't time slaving me.
She was just asking me like I was flying home that day. It was like a very normal question rather than being like, oh, hey, our food's coming out. Let me call you back. I was just like. I don't know. I just purely short-circuited.
That's what I do. Bro, come Easter.
Dude, Shane, one cold brew. I swear to God, one cold brew, I'm high. Like, it's a drug. Like, I'm talking to people, and it's just like... They feel like they're very far away from me. It's weird. We got to get you some Adderall. I told you I can't have that.
That's when I got kicked out of the Beastie Boys concert. It was Adderall. I jumped down.
Dude, something happens to me on Adderall where I lock in on things and it's just like, yes. And I just. Here's my plan.
Yeah, the one guy was fucked up. The one Kaiser. Was he dumped, too?
That's my problem. I got down a level at the concert, got kicked out.
First fatality in the Blazer Tag. Because when I have Adderall, especially it was always with drinking and like smoking weed, I would just get an idea and it's like, go. There's no like, well, it's like, yes, let's get this. So I remember I saw, I was in like Westchester and I just saw like a 32. You become bees. What? I become the bees.
There was just these guys sitting down with like, you know, like girls on like the curb outside eating pizza, like a little college town in Westchester. And I just saw this big cup of soda from a block away. And I was just like, I'm going to kick that thing. And I was like, I'm definitely going to kick that cup of soda. And I came up to it. And sure enough, I booted it.
And the dude was like, what the fuck, man? And I just like came up and was like. Yo, my bad. Just kept walking. I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Adderall is my Mr. Hyde.
Drinking on Adderall made so much sense in college.
It made so much sense in college. Like, I'm tired, but I want to drink. They're like, bro, take an Adderall. And I was like, yo, good call. And it would just be the worst situations ever.
Yeah, the Adderall drinking combo?
No, it's not necessary. Once my critical thinking goes offline, I need to get out. I need to go to bed. I do not need to be turbocharged.
Yeah, when you're a little tired, you're like, well, I deserve to have some fun. But yeah, it ends up with pretty unsavory behavior on my behalf. Do you ever take it at all?
Day drinking is, I think, day drinking I love.
I've had a couple where I end up in bed by like 9.30 a.m.
But yeah, you're right. I did it in Boston and I just stayed up super late and woke up the next morning with the most vicious weed slash alcohol hangover. It was not even weed. It was still high from edibles. Hungover in the morning.
Yeah, I was, I was, I had like frill from that night slowed down on drinking incredibly. I fear it now. It was such a wretched state that I was like, I frill thought I was like, I'm like, you know, when you're high and you're like, I'm stuck like this. I thought I was like, I was like, dude, I think I broke my brain. Yeah, it was being high with all that alcohol hangover anxiety.
That stinks. Well, actually, it's a total mystery.
Just flying home with my wife and just being like... Oh, man. It was a rough one.
You're supposed to get home to your kids, and you're like, fuck. Fuck. I'll let you know. Your father made some poor decisions last night. There was four margaritas in the afternoon that were totally unnecessary.
Yeah, let's get crunked, dude.
Oh, shit, yeah.
Once the sketch chills, we'll schedule just a crunk day.
Let's get totally crunked. I got my sketch today, this morning. I'm fucked. How's your sketch? I'm fucked forever. Doesn't fucking end. Any room for a daytime pool party? There's going to be a couple of daytime pool parties. My months fly. Yeah, my months fly. I'm fucked, dude. So yeah, we'll do a daytime pool party. That is, man, that's fun.
Can I bring the butter dog?
He's perfect. Is he a swimmer at all? No. He's never gotten in the water. That's good.
I'm sure he can. Like if he gave it a shot. I'm sure he can. That'd be crazy if he swam exactly like you.
Guaranteed.
His ass.
Nate Lemaire, will you guys shoot me straight on my idea of the black swim club? I see you guys are so resistant.
Yeah, but, like, they all say, like, oh, they were cousins and stuff. But has anyone, like, looked into, like, how did – was that just, like, England trading somebody to France and being, like, you marry a guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I figured that was the hang up. We were getting good.
Lemaire's been killing it.
My problem is like, dude, you guys are running a podcast. Nate swimming is the funniest. There's actually a swim instructor in Austin called the swim Nazi. Well, you get a private lesson from the swim Nazi. They call themselves the swim Nazi? They're called the swim Nazi, but she just rolls with it. So she's like, I'm the swim Nazi, and she's an excellent swim instructor. She'll scream at you.
Dude, my fucking five-year-old can swim, like, swim for real. From the Nazi. She got Nazi training. She got swim Nazi training.
I started downing myself. I'm like, did I just hear that? I mean, there is definitely a Nazi frenzy going on right now. I was like. Started worrying. I go, what the hell? Am I just hearing stuff? Are you starting to hear it? I'm starting to hear it. That's a dog whistle.
You were training your Pokemon. I literally was.
I didn't tell you about that.
There's no way he could be past... Yeah, it was sandbar. Yeah, it was shallow stuff.
I've seen him in the pool.
Oh, no.
He goes, just fucking stand up. True. You don't think the Black Swim Club will be empowering? I don't know. People won't be laughing. They'll be like, this is good.
I've seen you. I remember going, okay, Lemaire, he's in practice.
Yes, I do remember that.
Yeah, you go to the other end for sure. I've seen you in action. It's just the ass coming up. I don't know how. It's not even a bathing suit bubble. It's just your ass. It is just your ass. Breaches the surface.
True, it's like the North and South Pole. As the belly grows, the ass shrinks. It does. It is electromagnetic. It's the EMFs.
you're just being pulled forward I have been driving a hybrid that might be actually you've been driving a hybrid yeah the EMF might be careful dude I saw these guys on Instagram saying you're probably only reducing 9% though from the hybrid yeah probably that's good what's going on with you guys
those old pubs i've never been to london but the old pubs are very sick it's the coolest thing yeah i did like that in australia being like an ancient pub it's like dublin dublin's i love dublin manchester fucking rules i bet yeah once once my family gets old once the kids get older i do want to go to bring them all to europe and go over there that'd be sick that'd be awesome yeah i've never been to italy i'd love to go to italy yeah i'd like to go to rome
And they showed you a fucking secret recording blackmail home video, and they're like, never, motherfucker.
But you're empowering, dude.
They dissolve fast.
Dude, if Obama's chef had done the Black Swim Club, he'd still be here to this day.
They should have that where it's just like kind of a pit crew more so.
You get caught in your room with a party helmet and straws. Dude. Yeah, they lift up a cushion. It's my party helmet, no!
This is fucking light beer heaven. He's doing the most inflexible yoga ever.
Anytime I've been told I've been inflexible, I've been like, yes. I'm like, you're real tight there. I'm like, yeah, dude. Yeah, of course I am. Like, no, that's like really bad. You got to work on that. I'm like, yeah. Yeah.
So my, yeah, my hips are so bad. I mean, shoulder flexibility back's been nice. That's nice. Shoulders, shoulder flexibility straight as hell. That is straight. Hips. You ever hear when they're like, you actually keep a lot of pent up emotions in your hips.
And if your daughter doesn't work to satisfy the nation, you have to, like, millions of men have to die.
Yeah, dude. Let's keep them in there.
Especially from your hips. That would suck. If you unleash something from your hips, you're like, oh, no.
Oh, I remember that party. Yeah, girls got to stop stretching. How about that?
Oh, we fucking tighten their fucking hips and butts up. Too flexible. That's a problem. You need to keep some of that shit in their fucking glutes and their IT bands.
Tighten them up. That'd be weird, though, having an inflexible lady. If a lady went to lift her leg and was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. That would be fucking sad.
I might have to start dressing up to see how it feels. Yeah.
But I don't think, like, would they like that? Would that excite them socially? I think they'd pretend to, but we'd mentally check that with you. Yeah, they would go, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, let's go through your phone and look through all your friends. Like, all right, which one am I going to switch to? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although, didn't, like, I guess he was just doing it as, like, a party trick. That one boxer. Yeah. De La Hoya. De La Hoya did it.
I thought he... I think that was the real deal. You think that was the real deal?
That seems... That could be, like, a liquor and cocaine thing.
French maid outfit wouldn't be bad either.
Switching gears, have you seen that Michelle Obama has a new podcast? Does she? Yeah. Switching gears. It's with her brother. I thought it was Craig Robinson. Switching gears. What's their pod about? Dude, I don't know. The left is scrambling to dominate the podcast space, and they threw Michelle Obama and her brother at it. It doesn't get as many views as you think.
Yeah, dude. That'd be so hurtful.
I know, that's what I'm saying. I thought it was her and the comedian. No, it's her and her brother.
I thought it was the guy who plays piano.
Worst thing you could do. That was the worst possible move. But yeah, it's probably very hurtful.
Yeah, that does.
Bro, she's still ripping on the McCrones.
She seems confident. I watched her on Theo's podcast, and she is like, I mean, prove me wrong, dude. And she's like, I have all the paperwork filled for all like the... Basically being like, she sent the McCrones a yes or no. I mean, which I get. She's like, they didn't even fill it out.
I was like, well, I could see them being like, yeah, I'm not going to fill out the am I a man questionnaire for the Candace Evans show.
are you a guy check yes or no it's like drawn up by it's like a legally binding like yes or no questionnaire like yo just answer these questions and we'll fucking drop it because they were i think they're trying to sue being like yo stop calling my fucking wife a man she's like but you in order for defamation i think in europe the defamation laws are a little different where like
Yeah, you have to be wrong. In America, it's flip. It's like vice versa. It's like, well, prove me wrong then and I'll take the back.
So she's getting hit with some French.
I know.
Yeah, they were like this.
I got you.
It was just like straight. This was legit.
Let's go to the Patreon. Yo, guys. I fucking love you guys. Goodbye. We love you. Don't get my bandage in there. It's a fucking emergency.
Dude, as a brother, your job was hot daughter. Okay. Hot daughter was perfect. It was like fucking having a Tesla, dude. It's like getting a Tesla. It's like a Tesla truck. Yeah. That's like a side blitz truck. Hot daughter does.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's more mid-daughter behavior. If you have a babe daughter, you've got to go way higher.
Yes, right away. Divorce right away. You say, babe, I don't have a problem with you, but our daughter's just way too hot. Our daughter's too hot. We've got to split up. I've got to fucking focus on myself.
Oh, I'm starting to hear the whisper from the nest. I'm like, what the hell?
Now I get to prepare myself to sexually assault a 21 year old man if I have to Crossfit Just a bulldog a kid in his apartment like post-college I didn't get to see a nice story of a guy getting bulldog It's so funny My brother, Tom, was telling me that he thinks, and I haven't seen it, so I can't comment on it, but he was like... Tom got hit with the ultimate taboo last night.
But yeah, no, he actually did. It was in the script because they actually interviewed him about that. Like, did you improv that? He goes, no, they put it in the script.
Did he get hit violently? There was a big taboo last night. Tom said it's the ultimate sex addict share. He was saying, like, coming to a meeting. Oh, that's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to see it.
Which one's Sam Rockwell?
No.
Fuck it, I'll just tell you. Hey, there's no fucking sensual bulldogging here.
Oh, so it was a consensual dogging.
Instead of saying Sawatida, which is like hello and whatever, Thailand. Yeah. Just random swastika. What? They're in Thailand. Yeah. Yeah, whatever. But he did say swastika. Yeah, man. Swastikas are... I could say it. I'm not... They are hot right now. I don't agree with them. I don't agree with them.
If you want to feel better about yourself, if you ever want to feel better about yourself sexually, read like Sex Addict, like anonymous, kind of like them reporting on them falling to real sex addiction. It's harrowing, dude.
it's crazy just like this just the shit they do to get i mean dude it's like yeah like like like imagine instead of the podcast was like later babe and i was just raw dogging prostitutes and like worried about it i really want to spoil it there's a soft way don't spoil it
Was he trying to get his pipe game better?
Size-wise, too? Didn't talk size. Yeah.
I mean, if he was going facial appearance, he was probably checking.
That's true. That's why, you know, we have beautiful statues of us in antiquity.
We were just in there like charting the stars.
You can see a lot of planets out there. We have the app. I mean, obviously, dude, yeah. We have the app. Did you look at the stars last night, or were you just fucking freaking out?
You get a ride? Yeah, you get a ride.
There was a lunar eclipse a couple days ago. Yeah, so I didn't know if it was a big lunar eclipse. I missed it. I was driving home from motherfucking Dallas. I didn't know there was a lunar eclipse. Yeah, it was at like 2.30, 2.34 to be exact, Thursday night.
Well, there was a blood sun due to the fires. You didn't see that? There was a blood red sun. Oh, nice. Yeah, I wasn't here. This weekend, yeah. Because they had fires in like Douglasville or wherever, somewhere out there. Yeah, I keep calling it Douglasville. Fredericksburg. It was in the new $20 Billsville. And yeah, dude, it was crazy. It was a blood red sun.
Oh, yeah. Through all the smoke. Yeah, yeah. It was fun. I'm sure the pilots were just going, it's smoky in here. I've got to fly on fucking Wednesday. Where are you headed? Royal Oaks, Michigan. Nice. Yeah. Just added an early show, by the way, on Thursday. Please fill it up. But yeah, that'll be sick. My whole family. Now that I know if you land on water, your plane explodes, man.
Yeah, I couldn't believe you said that. I was so confident being like, if we're over the water, we'll just fucking glide down. You were like, nah.
In my head, I was like, you're so fucking negative about everything. I looked at it, I was like, god damn, this fucking blows up.
It's like a car. They were like, if your plane doesn't break into pieces on water, that's literally the miracle of a puzzle. You're like a wheel grabs the water, and the whole thing just stops. Cannon. Damn. That was surprising. I've been over bodies of water being like, we're safe.
I'm sorry.
You really need a runway, pretty much. You need a runway. Yeah. You know, maybe a flat plane.
Although the ramp, though. If you like landed and then got out, the ramp, the air would be sick.
You would get some crazy air.
Take off my mask. You're going to see that fucking... Someone was saying if the masks are just to get you high off the oxygen. If that's the case, let's break something else out. Heroin. Yeah, anything. Drop down the heroin. Dude, nitrous at least? Like, come on now. That's fucking bull, dude, to be like, oh, yeah, we're giving you a boardwalk oxygen bar.
nobody said he basically did him and elon did like a car commercial for tesla in front of the white house he goes we love tesla tesla yes they really did a car they did like a tesla car commercial dude i heard this and i i again i haven't substantiated it i saw it was just two guys in like fitness gear on instagram so this is my source so definitely hard allegedly that's where everyone gets their information now
Something.
Yeah, I would anesthesia my family. I would definitely. Just in case one of the pilots passes.
Dude, yays. His shit now is... I mean, I can't even... He is dying on the craziest hill.
Yeah.
Well, not if he's a Klansman too now.
Wait, is he? He wears Klan robes.
where were you on the fucking Nazi shit like you finally you've gone too far I was dying because ever since you said that he's gone several steps beyond I keep seeing that comment now I keep laughing being like alright that's enough now I'm done you think he's doing a bit I think he's just fucking around obviously he's doing a bit yeah I for a while didn't realize I'm starting to I mean yeah he is taking the most hateable things in me like he's now being like the audition is my favorite
Did you see the new audition for Vultures or whatever? He wants to do like a live chorus. I guess not like his Sunday service. It could be a Sunday service. I don't know. But it's like he wants to do now a chorus of all black men, no white men. And you have to be at least the complexion of Diddy. Dark enough. You have to be at least as dark as Diddy. Diddy's his benchmark.
No, that's his exact words. You got to be at least the complexion of Diddy. And you must be willing to shave your head and his volunteer. And you have to wear swastika. But other than that.
Oh, for sure.
It's going to be in Compton, too. Oh, man. Or like this L.A. area. So, yeah, be on the lookout for that. That's going to be a bunch of shaved tail. It's going to be the funniest thing that's ever happened.
That would have been a real bummer. Oh, that would have sucked. Yeah.
It's Campinas. Can you believe it? Virginia Camp Penis. I know.
Yeah.
There you go. Either or. Sure.
Yeah.
Like, stop.
I'm freaking out right now.
He said he was going to send him to Auschwitz. Well, he said he wanted to give him a tour of Auschwitz. But he also said he was going to get him a trip to Germany because he was under the impression that Auschwitz is in Germany, which is false. It's in Poland. See, I didn't know that either.
That was fun to be in Philly for that. I couldn't stop talking about it. I just kept being like, let's go get bottle service. Be like, but we're not thirsty. We just want the signs.
Yeah. You're about to do next. I'd go. I'd go check it out.
Listen, learn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're all just trying to screw in light bulbs over there.
Figure out how to get out of cars and screw it.
Hey, you.
Everybody's raising 20 Gs.
Everybody's just doing GoFundMes for...
No, Portnoy just got word of it. It's his bar. It's his barstool bar on Sansom. He went across the street from Fergie's.
Uh, you know, Del Calo is beautiful. He was like, he could have just wrote Israel. It would have been so fun. There's so much. Why don't people do that? I don't know. I don't know. He's passionate, I guess. Yeah.
not a fan yeah they don't yeah he does not like them but then he's going on like white supremacist podcast or whatever this is because sass and everybody was there too so they knew about it more than i did and i guess he's like going on like racist dudes podcast and they'd be like oh that was really good about the jews but then it'd be like but we still don't like you though we don't like you either but we like you a little bit more than just yeah yeah
Yeah, that must have been a crazy vibe. Fuck the Jews barstool bar? Fuck the Jews. And then just like, I don't know, Tiesto is playing really loud. And there's like sparklers going off. Yeah, well, again, maybe. It doesn't seem like a place where you'd want to make a statement like that. But they were probably just being nasty.
Well, there is that one that said the N-word. It says the N-word all the time. You ever seen that lady? Who, the lady at the park? No, no, no. Do you guys not know what I'm talking about? No. It's hard to explain. Meezy, do you know who I'm talking about? Ah, shoot.
It's not OnlyFans, but I think she did like Piers Morgan or something. And he was like, do you use the N-word? And she was like, yes, very frequently.
Yeah.
Did he?
Blow my numbers up. Yeah, you could. It's there, bro. It's there. We can all do it. Yeah, what would you do if you rage baited?
Lamar's been doing it lately with the hot dog in the mouth guard and the hot dog water. That's kind of rage bait.
Why?
Yeah, you could do more.
Yeah.
Nate loves Rachel Dolezal.
22. I don't know.
Before we go to the chat, you want to do the read?
Rip the bandaid off.
It's a little judgmental.
Yeah, but it is at 27 and a half now. For real? More or less than 27 and a half.
I think you have it. Well, I have the updated picks on my phone.
I would say yes to that. That doesn't seem like a lot.
More for the Ant-Man. You say it's 2.5? I'm saying more for that.
Less.
I think the Pacers need to recruit Kaitlyn Clark to be their extra.
Well, everybody's entitled to their own opinion.
I don't know either, but those were the picks.
I feel like I shit my brains out. This is my remainder, dude. It sounds tasty.
Yeah.
Yeah, that happens to me too.
What's up, Ivan?
Yo, Ivan, you're smoking inside?
Cool.
Yeah, good painting over there.
What kind of prayers are they doing? If they're on the street, yeah, it's probably.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. Well.
All right, well, happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. Necessary. Fucking Blade Runner. Yeah. All right, take it easy. Thank you, bro. Take it easy, bro. Nice to talk to you.
He just went to Russia.
Bro, holding up Christ. Probably got a nice hose.
My bad.
Well, at least you're not in Austria.
That's a big-ass skeeter, buddy.
Yeah, there seems to be some political unrest worldwide.
Dude, a pastor. I've never been to a church where the preacher, the pastor, the priest could get pussy. Can't pastor? It helps them.
Oh, you muted yourself, bro.
Yeah. Girls love the TV now. Who told you that?
James from Love on the Spectrum. Yeah, basically.
Yeah, that's some type shit I would do.
You're approaching Mario Kart age and stuff like that. Mario Party. That'd be so fun.
True. Imagine the shame, though. Losing? Yeah. Losing to a girl in vigils. Yeah.
Would you get mad if she did, though?
I always forget that girls are allowed to play video games. I know. I think, like, I don't know.
Yeah, nice.
That's good. I would have been three minutes tired.
Yeah, absolutely.
Nice to talk to you. You always, guys.
It's going to be that guy's girlfriend. True. I'm at work. I know my boyfriend's beaten up.
Nothing, just chilling.
It's... But on what kind of pornography do you mean? Like illegal kinds of pornography?
My grandpa used to have those and he would pop them out and scare us when we were little.
Yeah. Smile.
Dude, I really don't like dentists. They're basically car mechanics to me.
Yeah. Go to the dentist.
Yeah, that was a nice talk with you. Thank you. So long.
Let me pee real quick. Get the... All right, now we can say whatever the hell we want.
What's up?
Yeah, match the speed. We can chop it up for a little. Where are you from, man? I'm noticing an accent.
Where in Europe are you?
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
That was a stray from Ramirez. What did Lemaire say? He insulted his culture. He insulted his culture. Yeah, Matt.
He's from Rotterdam.
Rotterdam.
It's very funny that he's had a horrible thing happen to him four days ago and he's still in so much better spirits than the other Europeans.
It's the guy being like. God said that. God said it. He's giving us the word of God. Yeah. And God's telling you to stop being so mean to him.
Well, best of luck, friend.
Outside and giving his Instagram to the girls leaving.
Thank you.
Bye-bye. You too, man. Bye-bye. Hello, everybody. This is the end of the regular episode. Join us on Patreon if you want to hear the rest of the Zoom Jam. Have a great rest of your week. Goodbye.
You should start holding it down like that, though. Like what? You can't go nowhere? You're staying home. I should.
Take your cell phone. No cell phone.
That's how I would be, too. It's like a samurai.
They gave all the responsibility.
You're just concerned with war and... Just strat. I see.
I got a white boy on my roster. He feeding me pasta and lobster. I saw my mommy on set. What? I saw my mommy on set. That was nice.
We went to an Italian restaurant and got really drunk. Nice. Philadelphia, yeah.
Maybe we shouldn't say the title.
Yeah, I read about that, how it's just scrubbed immediately.
I don't know. I don't know what you call them. I don't know what you call them either.
No, I didn't see this.
That's not good Mother's Day talk.
I wonder if you got Kim anything, though. If what? Mother's Day? Yeah, I wonder what Kanye got Kim Kardashian for Mother's Day. I hope not a – Well, yeah, but, you know, she's still a mommy after it all.
She deserves a card or maybe a bouquet or, I don't know, maybe a diamond-encrusted swastika or something.
Yeah, yeah, a new dice necklace.
I've been trying to really unplug because it's been too racially charged lately.
Everything. They're just trying to get me so bad. I'm not going to let them get me.
They can't make me hate my brothers and sisters. That's what I'm saying, dude. It's the last thing I'm going to do.
Oh, I see. So, yeah. Okay. I'm not, I was so like, yeah. How does it, how did they like your ethnicity? Okay.
Oh, so all the coworkers see it? Yeah. Oh, that's a crazy Mac.
They should do Yelp for countries.
I would have never guessed.
Yeah, true.
I don't know. You say that. But LeMaire said I kissed my dad on the lips a couple of weeks ago and I was. Yeah. I think it depends on whether... True.
Yeah, I'd lock you up for something like that. I mean, that's kind of the thing.
True. If it were true... Yeah, that's actually a good point.
But I did see my daddy this weekend.
The urge to kiss was strong. We did not kiss. Hell yeah. Unfortunately. Well, maybe.
Yes, that's right.
I don't know where, uh, I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You're teared up.
Right.
God damn it, Henry.
Yo!
Yeah.
This is where they get dogs.
Every dude goes through it. So if he texts you, you're like... Well, because you're so cool, too. I've never... I don't know many people that are cool.
That's why Austin's got a little too comfy with Joe. They'll be up in that green room, and I'm like, you guys are not... Fucking Joe Rogan's here. Tighten up.
Did you play sports growing up?
Did you remember being on... Basketball and rugby. Oh, real sports. Fuck. Played football. That wasn't for basketball. That was for rugby. Rugby is pretty sick. No, on my baseball team, there'd be an older boy. And then there'd be a cool older guy. That's how I feel when I see Joe. If I say something stupid, I'm like, fuck, dude. just said a stupid thing. Yeah.
They can still see you.
Like he was showing me his compound, you know, and he was like, this is the cold plunge and then this is the, and then he's like, and this is where I shoot my arrows or whatever the fuck it was. And so then I was like, I was like, oh, cool. And I said something stupid about the elk or whatever that was up there. And he looked at me like, like it was a question he'd never heard before.
And then I was just like, I beat myself up about it for like the next two minutes. Don't ask stupid shit about the arrows. Yeah.
Also, I never know what to do with my other hands. I know that's a Will Ferrell thing. Like, what do I do with my hands? But have you noticed, like, Even your boy, it's like he's always on the thing. Like I do it behind my back that I hate. I hate that I do that. Like you're a magician. I hate that I do that. I'll sleep in this with myself like, I fucking suck. Why am I doing this?
I was like, you didn't film that?
What would be the first question you'd ask Joe Rogan? What would be the... If it was like, hey, Joe... Yeah, he said you'd ask... You got a lot of dumb ones. What would be like a...
Besides being black, what do we... That's interesting. Yeah, the athletes being our age, I always wondered if it was because I think there's nothing cooler to me than a baseball player. Yeah. Or like the idea of Griffey to me is like that's God. Yeah. It went Griffey, then God, then my dad. Like it was Griffey's number one.
Just high school. Okay, sick.
Shortstop. Yeah, I played shortstop. That's awesome.
But, like, when you go, oh, they're going to be young now.
It's kind of shitty. What if I have a gun, dude? True. If you have a gun, yeah.
That's true.
I'd get him while he was sleeping like McNair, you know what I mean? Start proactively killing all the young athletes. One thing's cool about being older than them, though, is, you know, at least if you're in our world of comedy, comedy's kind of become cool now, which was not the case for a long time. You can just DM them, and they'll be like, holy shit, dude, like, I love your stuff.
And they'll, like, give you, like, that's a better part about being older than them. For sure. Now I'm not the boy asking for the autograph. They think I'm cool. That's a nice switch.
I got a good J.D. Martinez story. Do you know who that is? Still plays. I think he's one of the most. I think at this point he's probably one of the older guys in baseball. No, he played for the Boston Red Sox. I think he's on the Dodgers now.
Handsome guy. Really good looking guy.
A lot of hunks out there on the baseball field. He's a good looking fella. So this girl goes, you're going to Boston? I'm playing this comedy club. She goes, you want to go to Fenway? I love Fenway. It's hard to get tickets. I've been before, but I'll take you up on that. She worked at William Morris.
I've been doing this long enough. I should know what to do with this hand.
and so she's like she's like i can left me tickets i go to the box office i do the whole thing when i sit in the seats they're they're good seats and then it says at the top zero dollars comped you know and then it said jd martinez i was like i wonder if that's like related yeah that's weird so then i dm jd martinez on instagram while we're sitting there i go hey dude thanks for the tickets this is rad you know i've been a fan of you for a
I don't remember what he said, but it was something nice and flattering about my comedy. And then he was like, hang out after the game. I'll come say what's up. He was texting you during the game? It was before. Oh, that's crazy.
I'm like an eight-year-old. I'll get to the game two hours early, have 75 beers. So then after the game, I'm like, this is pretty cool. And we're just hanging out with all these skanks. It's like me, my friend, Maddie Chimber, who's a comic, and then just a bunch of girls who are like banging the players or whatever. And they're trying to get everyone out of there. I'm like, I got a DM to stay.
So then you're at the front of the net. And it's funny. Some guy with a clipboard is like, who's fucking this guy? Why is he fucking this guy? It's more like that in NBA games.
Yeah, you don't pay for anything or do anything.
Wait, this is, we've got to separate that it isn't Brittany Grineer. No, Brittany Reiner.
I was going to say, holy shit, that would be breaking news. Famously lesbian. Allegedly trans Brittany Griner has been banging all these dudes.
Martinez. This is the end of the story. So we're at the Nets, and he goes, you know, he's like, oh, man, it's nice to meet you. How's it going? Nice to meet you. We're talking through the Nets. And he's like, how do you know? He's a fake name. How do you know Christine? And I was like, oh, she's the best, dude. Yeah, she just set me up with these.
She's not in her mind going, I'm with Jeff Dye or J.D. Martinez. And we're not going, oh, she's our girlfriend. It's just two grown-ups.
Maybe.
Yeah, that is true.
Or trying to make us jealous of each other so we step up our commitment game.
For this chick, it could be anybody. Yeah, true. She worked at William Morris, and she was like an 11. Like, she was so beautiful.
I think it's an agency. Oh, okay, I got you.
I was like, I think it's an agency.
Yeah, I hate the pocket. I did it recently. I think I did it on Sunday, and I go, what am I doing? I immediately took it out. Rogan holds the mic. Hate it. I think Rogan holds the mic the worst. Like a snow cone? Yeah. You go, what are we doing? The bottom, the very bottom. Yeah, like on the actual cable.
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I knew they were big because they don't rep me. That's how I knew. It must be something good, you know?
Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was cool of him and cool of her. The whole story was positive, but it was like a very funny, like, modern story, you know?
It wasn't like some gross guy that I think sucks or something. It was just like, oh, it's J.D. Martinez. And he's going, this comedian guy that I know.
Oh, yeah. I don't wrap it up. Okay, cool.
I thought you were about to say, I don't go raw.
Condom programs are strange. Yeah. It's similar to the homeless thing where they're like, give them clean needles. I worked at this homeless shelter in Seattle. We would give them like clean needles to go do drugs with. Yeah, you'd hook them up. And I'm like, and they were like, they're going to find them anyway. So just guys like, I don't think this is a good idea. Yeah.
Just providing them all the shit. Like, it seems strange. Well, dude.
Matt, I've been around the neighborhood. It's not working.
Dude, I'm so insensitive about the homeless situation. I used to be like, I worked at a homeless shelter. And then after 7,000 interactions with homeless people a day in Los Angeles, you just lose all your sympathy for it.
Yeah, I know.
It's exhausting. Like, you see, like, I think when I make fun of the homeless on the internet or, like, in my act around these towns, they're picturing some lovable boxcar hobo with, like, a bindle stick. And, you know, they think that that's what, they go, leave him alone, Jeff. No, it is, go to L.A., go to downtown L.A., For just a morning, walk around, you'll go, oh, I get it.
Yeah, these people, there's a lot.
Also, most of us are stand-up comics.
Oh, you do the head. The glands, yeah. That's the Eliza Schlesinger.
she's like a hip-hop artist you go what are you doing no i i just hold it right in the middle dude right in the grip and i just keep it right here and i talk the entire time yeah i've tried to do like mike in the mic stand kind of talk that's tough too i start fucking with the stand and then yeah it's like i do the two i've done the two hands most of my career i think gillis is ruining it for us because now everyone now everyone goes oh he's doing gillis he goes i'm just
what you know something about like a oh yeah you are the five people you hang around yeah i hate that uh saying because then it just makes my loser friends get nervous you know jeff's gonna leave us soon yeah and i want to let them know i won't i love you boys i got your back yeah i do that is kind of a weird rule be like you are the five people you hang out with the most yeah no i'm not what the fuck are you talking about
Yeah, we got to tell my buddy Aaron, like, you're out, dude.
Yeah, kids are good that way.
But you wouldn't have cared at all about that. Like, the wonderment of a child is like... Because I used to go to Disneyland drunk all the time with all my buddies, and it rules. It rules. Dude, you're... Strong recommend. It is tight. But then my buddy once goes, oh, my family's... My nieces and nephews, they want to go to Disneyland. I was going to take them. Do you want to come with us?
So I just kind of, like, came with them. Totally different experience. Yeah. And it was awesome. I was like, oh my God, to like, you know, like tease the kids and like make jokes and they think I'm cool because I'm an older guy or whatever. I was like, oh, this is like a really wholesome version of what I've been doing. Yeah, it's better.
No, just having a good time. Just chilling. Okay. I'm curious. It's kind of exciting to sneak the booze in, you know?
don't they serve it in there well no you have to go to like california adventure or go to this one club that's called club 33 that you have to be like the pope to get into so i'm not getting into club 33 damn disney world they let it fly you can get hammered at disney world it's great it's in florida yeah that's great disney world alcohol is abundant you can just get shit faced disneyland doesn't do that dinner and you can just i didn't know that it's part of the rebellion true sneaking it in west coast that's how the fuck did you get it in
Well, we would like take these like plastic flasks that would, you know, whatever. Or the way that doesn't work, don't do this. We took like half Gatorade. Yeah. Like just dumped out half and then filled the rest with like vodka or tequila. For sure. They've seen that a million times, I guess, because they've caught us before we even got to like the thing. They're like, that's alcohol.
We're like, shit.
Standing. Yeah, dude.
There's no fat people at Disney, dude. You should.
Oh, really? Not at our Disney. Disneyland is beautiful.
Sounds like it's right up my alley, then. Many fats.
Interesting.
Because you could be waiting for like an hour to get there and be like... Also, by the way, it's amazing you brought this up. Get rid of these... In front of everyone, practice seats where they bring a big person over. They go, you, fatso, hey, come here. We sit in this to make sure you're going to fit. They treat them like luggage at the airport. When do they do that?
They'll give them like a practice chair where they'll put the thing in. And if the person doesn't fit in it, that means they won't make it on the ride so that they don't want them to have to wait in the line or get disappointed when they get to the front. So they have like this kind of like example chair.
Like, you know, kind of like the are you tall enough line, but they do it with an actual chair.
I saw this young man in there, and I was mortified for him. Because they were trying to pull the thing down, and these teenagers that worked there were like, yeah, I think you're too big. And I was just going, holy shit. Why didn't they make the seats bigger for the Harry Potter ride? A lot of fat people love Harry Potter. I couldn't believe how... Did he try to suck in and did they push?
What's that? Oh, he was doing everything. And he was also mortified because we're just all waiting in line going, look at that fat kid over there.
Also, aren't there fat characters in Harry Potter?
Yeah, Haggard wouldn't even be able to ride the ride.
You know Matt's doing well. He's like, I used to fly Southwest. Sometimes I'll fly Southwest.
The fact that you framed it like that. I love you, dude. Sometimes I will. I prefer American. Sometimes. I don't like to admit this.
It drives me crazy. There's nothing wrong with you, dude.
Also, you're being very conservative saying that it's like a fat guy and then like a guy in a wheelchair. They'll say, does anyone need any extra time boarding? That's a very vague question. Yeah, that's kind of bullshit. So now it's just two parents with like three kids. You've got a guy that's got like a limp or something. And then there's like a deaf lady.
You're like, these handicapped people are always going, we're just like everyone else. We can do anything you can do. Then what's with the special treatment early boarding bullshit?
Also, don't worry about sounding like a dick. I'm going to take it to the next level. Fuck all of them. You're just like us. You don't get to get on there early. Everyone's taking their time. You can go be 56 just because your legs don't work. I have to let you board first.
Why does it matter?
Dude, again, if you're main... Oh, I'm missing an arm. I have to be on the plane before you. Who gives a shit?
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's a slow one.
That's the diagnosis.
Have you ever had this happen? They do the pre-board, right? Or they'll do the thing they need extra time, right? There's some sort of, they need more time on the airplane. They're really just hogging the overhead space. But anyways, so they'll get on. But then they'll sit in the exit row. I'm sorry.
I thought that you were some sort of handicapped person, but now you're going to assist in an emergency? You're going to leave the charge.
There's so many things I could talk about on this. I wasn't with Trump himself as far as those are like the actual presidential campaign, but there's all these other organizations that do things to campaign. Gotcha. You won't believe the group I was with. I'd be curious to learn about them. They're called Log Cabin Gay Republicans. Whoa. Did you know that was a thing?
No, but recently yelled at a guy for doing it, and it turns out he was telling the truth. What was the truth? I said, hey, can I sit there? Because there was, like, very few seats left. I'm one of the last on the plane. He's like, hell no. He goes, well, I'm... No, I said, hey, do you mind if I sit there? He goes...
yes instead of just saying whatever that kind of caught me off yeah and then he goes i was like uh okay and he's like i'm saving it for my wife and then i was like i'm the last on the plane so i'm like looking around like this guy's full of shit so i find like just another one because there's like four seats on the whole plane available and i'm sitting there fuming like fuck this guy yeah he was his wife was like in the bathroom or something she came out and i was like oh he was right yes that is crazy not just be like yeah my wife's in the bathroom
Yeah, he was kind of chippy about it. Yeah. I didn't like that.
Drives me crazy.
Yeah, you go, it's a line.
They'll pretend to not understand lines.
If you know you're boarding group six, why are you in the fucking way while people are trying to board one, two, three, four, and five? Because you want to both.
Yeah.
They're like first class and then literally there's people just standing there just waiting. Can you move a little? Make a lane?
That's annoying. I think my biggest battle on airplanes is the flight attendants. That's who my battle's with. They're mean.
Why are you angry with us?
No rush.
It makes no sense.
Yeah, but I don't give a shit when they get paid. I think so. That's terrible. They suck. Why don't they get paid? They think they're plain police.
You know what that stool is? It's a tiny fucking table for my drink and set list. That's all that is.
You were getting gay Republicans fired up?
Don't yell at me. I'll check for the overhead space. I'll open the thing. And she's like, if it's closed, it means it's full. And I was like, I see people mindlessly close these things all the time. That's not true. There's often a lot of space available. Sometimes I'll put mine in and just close to see if it closes.
It's like a disease of if it's obvious to you, you think everyone should know it. Not everyone flies every day. Some old lady's like, do I need to take my iPad out? And they're like, everybody, electronics, come out.
It's like Uber.
Yeah, but here's the thing, Matt. Here's the thing. Being criminals are difficult to deal with, but I won't tolerate a fucking grumpy, shitty, bad cop. And kids are a lot, but that doesn't mean teachers get to be mean to the kids. That's true. And yeah, oh, it must be real hard to be a gay guy or a hot chick that's a flight attendant, but you still got to do the job. True.
They don't understand it. They shouldn't have to do that. They go, what is this? But I'm hot.
Do you guys fart a lot when you fly?
I don't know if you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Yeah, but then for a while there.
You just said that loud, honey.
You grab her arm.
A lot of farts. And I'm like so embarrassed. I'm doing the blow thing.
Yeah, a lot of boners and a lot of farting.
The peeing's a little hard for me. I'm 6'5". So when I pee, the wall's going like this. You know, I got to do like a strange limbo piss.
I feel like Slender Man. Because, you know, the middle of the door is like a fold, so the door will open. My knees are right on that thing. And I'm like, oh, this will be my worst nightmare.
I've shit in there. But it'd be like my worst nightmare if that just pops open and people are waiting. They're like, ah!
Oh, no.
Also, slavery had nothing to do with racism. It's free work. It's a leverage of power. That's all it is. Money. You go, wait, now I have to pay these fuckers? Look at Amazon right now. They just got a bunch...
He made having a popped hemorrhoid sound cool. He was able to go, I don't know, pop a hemi, you know? Yeah, you could.
Interesting.
Guilty of the first one, not guilty of the second one. You pop right up. Because I'm pushing so much. I'm like a little rabbit, man. If I went and took a shit right now, none of you would believe I took a shit. You're quick. They call it zero chance digest shit, dude. Really? I'm in like a rabbit. I'm fucking out.
Oh, interesting. Well, you're a family guy. You're trying to get away from the wife and kid. That's a big one, too.
We know what you're doing in there. You're on Candy Crush. I can hear it going. It's huge, man.
That was like a poverty thing. Guess who sold us the slaves?
Yeah.
Make it a table.
When are we going to let these Chinese ones that we got... True. When are we going to let these Chinese children slaves go?
I love that LeBron James is like... The civil rights, he's reading Malcolm X upside down and he's acting like he cares about slavery while he's dripping in Nike. Yeah. You're wearing the slave clothes.
Wait, so how do you – I don't know if you guys want to even talk about this, but do you have to get, like, surgery to get rid of it? No, you can't. Just wait.
Oh, that's terrible.
Yeah, I feel real lucky, Doc. Thanks.
I'm such a bitch about these kind of things. Dude, it hurts. I just was washing my ass too thoroughly, so it was just dry. But it was so itchy that I was like...
i've got to go to a professional you know i'm 40 now i want to see what's going on and he was like you just are you're you're washing your ass too much like what's your ass watching regimen well i was just getting the shower i would just use like showered gel or or soap to just wash make sure my ass is clean yeah but like i'm using all these soaps and things and but anyways so once i saw him he's like your asshole's fine you know he's like you just need to not be how did you show the doctor your asshole i had to do the whole thing
Like, bend over? I laid on the bed thing. Because he gave me the whole 40-year-old check after that.
Let's just check.
Oh, so dry. You had a chapped ass. Yeah, I would itch it so much that it would, like, bleed. And I was like, I need to go because I'm itching it up. But what I was going to say is, like, if you could have... Yeah, I'm a confident guy. I was such a bitch when I was, like, in there. Yeah. Like, I kept saying sorry to him. I was like, I'm sorry. He's like, you know, you're all right.
I do this every day. And then I was like, he's like, it's just dried out. And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. He's like, you don't have to keep.
Yes.
I just kept going. I'm so sorry. I feel like MacGruber. Like, I'll suck your dick, dude. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I felt terrible.
Yeah.
I was like, I feel terrible. I had to come in here and waste your time. I don't even have a thing. You're on antidepressants now.
I don't know why I felt so strange. Sorry, sir.
This is before you had a family and all that. I had a family.
Oh, no.
That's great. How good was that feeling? To not every time you go to the bathroom, reminded of the problem that you have. It was crazy.
I got kicked out of an STD clinic because I refused to like cooperate with the nurse.
I wanted to just get... So, like, sometimes I would just randomly go get STD checks because, like, I would break up with a girl and then hook up with a couple other girls, and then that girl would be like, I know you were fucking around when we broke up. Like, I want you to go prove you don't have anything. And it always comes back clear. I'm not hooking up with homeless chicks.
Yeah, why do I have to prove the paperwork? But they'll be like, well, I haven't slept with anyone. I was like, all right, then I'll just say that, too. Like, if we're just using an honor system.
So I'm in there, and she just was asking all these questions, and I was in one of my Jeff Dye moods. She was like, how many partners have you had? I'm like, don't worry about it. And she's like, I need to know. I was like, no, you don't. You don't need to know. And the nurse was like, I have to ask you this. I was like, I know.
Damn, she hit you with like, you probably sleep with a lot of girls, don't you? That's what it felt like to me. And maybe it was because I was projecting on her from like the conversation I just had with my girlfriend or something. She's like, well, how many partners have you had? And I was like, if it's more than zero, check my dick. And she goes, sir. And I was like, no, but that's true.
Sex slaves, yeah. Like, we have sex trafficking in our own country. Like, those are slaves. And that's just a leverage of power. I mean, it's sad. You know, we all agree slavery's bad. But when people try to pretend like it only happens to black people, I'm like, grow up. Read some things. Yeah, that's true. They're the hot potato. They got caught with the hot potato.
Just check my penis. You want to know your body count, dude.
Yeah, check. Yeah. Let's say I checked with a thousand women. Are you going to check it more thoroughly? Yeah. Just check my cock. Like, what's the problem?
That is a fair question. No, that is a fair question. They don't need to know any of that.
Yeah, I thought it was strangely... My guy. Yeah, it was so weird, and they didn't want any of my bullshit. So you got kicked out? I got kicked out before they did the test. What did you have to do then? I lied to my girlfriend. I was like, I got checked. We'll see. Pretty cool. A lot of good people up there. Great spot. You were done quick. I know, I know, I know.
Why is the date on this STD thing wrong? Why didn't you just say, like, I don't know, five? You should have been like a girl. Like, five. Like four. Yeah. I guess I wanted to check, too. In my mind, I'm like, maybe I do have something.
You should be furious. You've never ate my pussy. I'm like, oh, sorry. It's kind of an other girl thing.
Yeah, that's what we should be lying. Overexaggerate everything to our physicians to see if they'll check us different.
Yeah, tons of times. Oh, yeah.
The questions are in strange orders, too, thinking about that one. Before we went to Africa, we had to get a bunch of shots and stuff. Not for COVID, don't worry. They were like, have you had sex with anyone? Oh, no, have you been to Africa? We're like, no, we're going to Africa. And the next question is, have you had sex with anyone in Africa? I was like, well, no. I haven't been to Africa.
Like, the question was just, like, strangely worded. Yeah.
I guess. I don't know. It's maybe a part of the thousand questions they asked me.
It is kind of fucked up. Yeah.
This African fucker.
You don't want Jeff's blood. He's fucking all these people in Africa. I had one summer. I had a wild... I had a hot African summer.
It's ruined my medical history. Me and Jane Goodall is the fucking best example I've ever heard.
I was just done with it. Done with doctors.
I find myself being dishonest with my doctors.
Yeah, they'd be like, how much are you drinking? And I was like, I don't know. He's like, well, like, three times a week. And I almost, like, laughed out loud, like, what a fucking pussy. Thinks I drink three times a week. And then he's like, oh, more? And I was like, yeah, how about every day since 2001? Is that a lot? Yeah, true. Yeah.
That's what I'm saying. Just check our bodies. Yeah, see what I'm... These questions are very intrusive.
Native Americans had slaves. They did. India, every place. I dare you to find me a place that didn't have slaves. The whole world. It was a global institution. Yeah, for sure. We had it for less than 100 years and got rid of it. It was ended by the British. Yeah, we tried it on. We said, this feels icky.
Yeah, see, I hate it.
And all my friends that smoke weed fucking love you boys, but you're losers. You know, like it's, I don't like. How do you figure? They're not like high achieving. You know, they're just doing nothing.
I don't know anyone that's thriving. Such a lame take. All my alcohol friends are fine, successful. All my friends that do mushrooms, they won't shut the fuck up about it. They're happy as hell. They're making relationship connections. They're doing beautiful things with their mind. And then all my weed friends are fucking not doing shit.
Maybe here's where I'll adjust. I'm teachable. just enjoy it right like i had to ask you i didn't come in here and you're like oh we got the weed painting yeah i got a marijuana leaf on my laptop those are the guys i'm talking about Who can't even talk to me at a fucking smoothie place without taking a rip off some mechanical weed thing? Yeah, that is true. That's who I'm talking about.
No, you're absolutely right. Kevin Smith. These fucking losers that have some teenage obsession with weed. That's who I'm criticizing. Not a man with a wife and kids and a successful career.
Okay. What kind of project, though?
Okay. Something you got to get done, I see.
Okay.
Potheads are so optimistic, too. Until bedtime. Well, no, they'll say, no, I mean, they're optimistic about pot.
Like, I'll be like, oh, I hated that. And they're like, you got to try a different strand. And I was like, all right, and then we'll try a different. I'm from Seattle, so it's been legal my whole life. Yeah. So they'll be like, all right, try this. And I've had like, after 30 times, I'm like, I think I just don't like this.
And they're like, but try, if you try, sativa? Or is it like, guys, I can't.
It's like, dude, you have no fucking idea. When I got a DUI, they were like, maybe try brandy.
Do you like mushrooms?
Yeah, me too.
Oh, way better. And also, I feel like that made me smarter. Yeah. My friends all say to me, like, dude, you came back different. Like, it, like, changed something in there.
So, like, how much or, like, where was I setting was? Yeah, the whole thing. okay so my first time ever I knew I wanted to do it for a long time and my boy Randy Valerio was like he's like king mushroom guy so he was like I got you like you know just tell me when so we've planned this trip out to like what's the hottest desert in the world that's in California the Gobi
Well, colonization, yeah, like, that's a tricky one, too. I can't believe we're getting into all this. It's the podium. It is the podium.
No, it doesn't really matter.
Yeah, it's where they film Star Wars, some of the things. I can't remember.
So we go to Death Valley, and we waited until nighttime, and then we just all took a shit ton of mushrooms. It was just three of us dudes who trust each other and know each other, and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. It's awesome. It was absolutely incredible, and we took a lot. And then so after that, every couple months, right? It wasn't like a daily thing.
Slowly built up to like four and a half grams is like what we would... Nice. That's like the dose we... Yeah, yeah. We only go like full journey. We're not doing like a little. Yeah. Yeah. Where'd you sleep in the desert?
We had a hotel room, but we were.
No, for sure. Yeah, yeah. We went to the woods to do that. I'm a glamping guy.
No one's ever taken me real camping.
I want to go real camping.
But I just want to do it for a couple days or something. Or even just one day.
Because here's the thing. It's like my buddies go, oh, we'll take you camping. And I've had girls go, we'll take you camping. And then they take me to some national park where I can see other people like me. setting up their stupid picnic table. I want to be in nature. I want to be in a movie. You're like, here's where we have to set the tent down. Dude, I agree. I've never gone camping.
Really? Zero. I don't want to do it for a month. Not even a night.
And then they'll be like, mom was right. This sucks.
Yeah, bare feet on the ground, too. I like how you said city blacks. That's funny. Is that a term?
Yeah.
Oh, man. I had to do a project. I got to do a project in Atlanta. And it changed my perspective on black people. I was like, God did this to keep me from being racist. Oh, in Atlanta? All my favorite people in the world.
It was like a game show where we would shoot like 10 episodes a day. It was quite a grind of work, but it made me there for like six weeks. And I had to live in a hotel. So every day I would see black women that like, you know, Southern black women who worked at the front. I'd have, you know, if I was going to eat food at a restaurant, it was just all these like Southern Atlanta, black people.
And I was like, my favorite group of humans. This is the, this is amazing.
I like church city, black people.
Really? How do you know that? It's a strange stat.
All those download brothers went to Atlanta. I could guess. Yeah. With what?
you can't have them because they didn't want anyone gaining the fucking... There also might not be anything more diverse than slavery. What do you mean? Well, it's every land. It's every person. Oh, yeah.
When are we going to get this list?
Also, once the list comes out, no one will care. They did that Epstein Island list.
But nothing happened.
He did a show last night in Vegas. It changed nothing.
Yeah.
Well, and also people are just inconsistent. The real rule, the way, or not rule, but the real way people navigate their minds is if you like the person, you're fine with it. And if you don't like them, then you're outraged. Yeah, burn them on a cross. Yeah. David Bowie, like, admitted in his book to, like, banging 13-year-olds. Yeah. But it's David Bowie. So they go, oh, that guy rules.
Yeah.
Yeah, good for you.
This guy's owning it. He really looks good on you. He's doing the eight mile, man. He's trying to get ahead of it. What are you going to say now?
That's why the diddy list is so interesting, because if he was just guilty of being nefarious as like a rock star or thug rapper would be, it would be no story. But black people are still working on the gay shit. You know, every group's got their own things they're working on. So this one is encroaching into a new territory for them.
Freaky-ass bulls.
That would rule.
Yeah.
I'm...
Yeah.
I always think about that. Like, I always like to think that, like, if my boss of anything I had, I mean, this is, it's hard for me to try to pretend to be someone else. That's why I struggle with it. Yeah. But it's like, if my boss was, like, doing things, I'm such an impulsive person that I'd be like, what the fuck? Like, I would just like blow it up.
What I will say is working for the log cabin guys, it breaks my liberal friend's brains. Yeah. What do you mean? Because I'm like, oh, I'm working with Log Cabin. Like, what's that? I'm like, gay Republicans. And they're like, but gay is good, but Republican bad. Like, they can't get their mind around it.
I wouldn't be able to keep a secret to keep a career or job.
I like all this other stuff. That one part was weird. I like all this other stuff. Well, I'll just bottle that up for later when I can kill my wife at age 55. I'm low, Jeff.
Sure.
Yeah.
It's crazy what people care about or pretend to care about. Because of the Diddy List, too, they'll just go, hey, he was at a party. You can't prove he did anything. It's like Chris Tucker went to Epstein Island. I know. Like three times. And he's like, I played golf. I didn't even know they were doing that there. But, I mean, maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe he's not. But it's like...
you'll always have that out. Like, I just went there because they're rich guys. I know. So, like, who wouldn't have wanted to go to a P. Diddy party before you knew what a P. Diddy party was doing?
Yeah, because I only learned... He knows the consequences.
Keep tradition alive. It's like when I go to parties now and I'm like, I don't drink. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm not doing the raping thing. You guys have fun, though. I'm just happy to be here. Got a pick with J-Lo. Hal's not drinking, Ben.
Yeah, totally sober. I feel great.
I've lectured a few young comics. I'm going, what are you doing? Get your fucking ass off there. What are you doing? Talk about jerking off and you're sitting?
Yeah, I feel like because it was such a big part of my lifestyle that, like, there's some disappointment, but then also, like, my buddies have been kind of supportive of, like, dude, you're way more fun to be around. Like, you don't just ditch us for a chick at, like, 10 p.m. Get hammered, yeah.
Yeah, like, we're having actual conversations and cigars, and, you know, we're connecting in ways that we didn't used to. So it's been mostly positive. It occasionally rears its head.
Like, I think I've dodged a real... Last night, I did Kill Tony. And afterwards, everyone hangs out at the bar called Mitzi's. And there was, like, this girl who might have been one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. But she was just so intoxicated. That, like, I left. She terrified me. Just her being near me was so scary.
Exactly. I wanted nothing to do with it. She kept grabbing my face. I was like, hey, don't fucking touch me. Get off me. Which normally, yes, you, but you're so drunk. Yeah. That's the bad part about being a guy, too, in modern times, at least in America.
It's like, not only if I'm drunk do I have to be responsible for drunk Jeff's behavior, and it will be held accountable in a court of law, but I have to also be responsible for her drunkenness.
I don't know. Or just a bunch of dicks in a cabin?
Yeah.
Right.
It's tough to be responsible for both of us when I'm hammered.
So last night I had to be responsible for her. I was like, hey, I'm not going to even touch you. That's the thing. But if I was drunk, Jeff, we'd have fucked in the bathroom.
They're the greatest group of dudes ever. They have the best sense of humor. I think they're also new Republicans. They're sick of this new shit. Yeah. So they're just gay guys all about their paper. No, they're like the bread. They're just like tired of trans people because considered the same community as theirs.
You should.
I know.
My worst behavior.
With this headset and this, it does feel like a church. The earlier analogy is perfect. That's why it's a sin to be that drunk, Jeff.
They're like, these fucking idiots are supposed to be for the.
That's why I shit so fast, dude. I'm having like 10 coffees a day. That'll get you, yeah. I've already had two coffees this morning before I got here. Did you really?
I wouldn't even know what to do with my day if I didn't have coffee. Well, let me tell you about raw milk. Because I like the whole process.
Yeah.
Like just straight out of a glass? Straight out of a glass. Oh, my God.
That is the next part. I shook the booze thing, which I feel great about. I'm very proud of it. It's been a year and two weeks. But the thing with, I'm eating trash, dude. Eating bad. I've been eating bad for a long time. It's tough. You're traveling a lot, I'm guessing. Yeah, McDonald's is available, you know. Yeah. You know what I mean? Dude, when I... How many points you got?
Like that's annoying. Yeah, man. What do you think?
You know what I do? No, I don't got the... You don't collect the points, dude?
But I don't even do that at my own home, let alone if I was on the road.
Just make it sound cooler, dude.
Yeah, they also drank water.
It's pretty easy to make those statistics when you just lump it as white. How many countries are white?
Jews are pretty white.
I'm doing it for this country, though.
No, no. They're saying like, why is this guy pretending like he's with us? I think they're just conservative gay guys. They're like, we're LGBTQ. That's kind of it. We're not, what's this new T thing? Why is T here?
Really? I didn't know that about them. I didn't know any of this.
And you enjoy it. It's not like you're trying to get through it for the superfood.
It was nuts. I'm definitely trying it. Dude, I'm telling you. I live in a city that'll be the easiest to find. For sure. If you just Google raw milk. Right, they'll bring it right to my door. They probably will. I could have it in 15 minutes. He's gone a week before, not in L.A. Yeah, it's on GoPro right now. They got some bullshit for sure.
It's like... Who said that?
If it's more natural, that should be better.
Right.
Those calves are so strong and I want to be strong as a calf.
I like it. I'll be in, dude. You're going to get a text from me in a week. I tried it, dude. My brain's on.
I'm excited. You're going to be firing. I'm going to be pissed. I'm going to be like, this shit's not working. I got a thick milk mustard. I'm going to sit on the couch going, I've been fooled again. You're just farting nonstop. He told me Nazis did this. That's all part of his get Jeff to do it thing.
Because it is tough to drink. Immediately my brain went to, can I put chocolate syrup in it? You could if you want it. Or if I steam it, does that take some of the... No.
Does it, like... Will that change it? Yeah. Totally fine. Will it curdle?
Not to curdle, but... Like, I used to crush, like, eggnog, and people were like, that's disgusting. And I was like, yeah, but it's so good. Eggnog rules. Yeah. But it's just so flavor-y, and that's the thing. It's like, if I could make it taste like eggnog, I would crush, you know, real milk all day.
Oh, really?
Yeah. So that is the new hunting, trying to find things that are good for you. Yeah. Our ancestors had to be like, go shoot an animal and skin it and whatever and keep it cold and then cook it. Now our hunting is going to the grocery store and finding anything that's good for you. Yeah. Literally, you could go to Whole Foods. Doesn't matter. Half that's trash.
Oh, yeah.
But even that produce, they found a way to like inject it and do all this shit.
Or you'll go to like a real health place where they're like, everything in here is good for you. And the carrot's like $20. You're like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. That's the new hunting.
Do you think they're going to murder us after this podcast for like talking about the food industry like this?
yeah you know well if you get a sex change you become straight again that's the rules those are kind of yeah yeah they go now i'm a straight go yeah this is confusing yeah you gotta take the log cabin and be like boys i think the trans thing's really smart like if you're trying to like you know the whole dead name rule yeah like it's not you like if you become a woman and i go i fucking loved man i hung out with him in austin you better not they would go
Remember, Michelle Obama's original thing was, like, food.
She was like, I'm going to make it healthy, you know, these young kids, but we got to do something about it. And it's like someone took her in her back room and was like, listen, bitch, do you know how much money we fucking get? And then she was like, maybe just go outside and run a little bit. Yeah. Maybe just run outside. Maybe it's about fitness. 10 minutes a day.
What happened to the food part you were talking about?
She changed. She immediately turned it into like a fitness thing as opposed to a food thing.
Yeah. It is kind of like what makes it cool to be a man.
Some people think a man has a big beard and he doesn't give a shit and he's got an axe. And then some people think James Bond is cool. But James Bond is wearing this fucking three-piece suit and he's drinking fine vodka. That's true, yeah.
But he's got to eat right. You've got Bond going, well, you guys don't drink real milk? And they go, what a fucking faggot over there. Shut up. So it's like they're both men, but you've got to decide which man you want to be. It's a fair point.
Well, maybe it's a test. Actually, I think I know the answer to it, but go ahead.
Yeah. Yeah, 100%. That's true. Yeah, it's lazy. Yeah, people are dumb and lazy. They're right about that. I think that the reason...
Men would do that To each other Is it is a test Of toughness It's a test of like Can we You know Oh you care about that Like we're tough You know We're tough And that's healthy Cause men have always Had to be tough That's true But it's like My thing is like Why Cause I've done that Like I don't give a fuck I'll eat that Then I just have like A quiet tummy ache And I'm like
But the inner caveman in you back in the day had to not care about how cold it is because he had to kill a wolf. There's this idea of not caring about your well-being to be a fucking man.
That's still in there.
hey don't you dead name me right that's the rules but like you know Caitlyn Jenner like did some you know some crimes you know we talking about the car thing but like in court they could be like Mr. Jenner and be like that was Bruce baby that wasn't me don't dead name me I think once you go to court they're like alright time out
There's nothing less masculine than having a tummy ache. It sucks, dude.
Laying in a hotel room burping by myself. But my tummy. Why the fuck did I eat that? Fuck. I gotta tighten up. I've never had fish and chips at like a pub and not had a stomach ache. Yeah, it's every time. And I go, I'm never ordering this again. I fucking forget like six months later. It's the worst. Every time.
Jeff Dye, thank you for coming. Thanks for having me.
I prefer it.
It's the future.
Yeah, nuts. Oh, there we go. No, he wasn't lying. This is sweet. You should get some pyro in there. It'd be amazing. And if it goes bad, it'll just be funnier. Hilarious. Like if the pyro screws up.
Just the smoke is collecting in here. It's not even that grandiose.
Hell yeah. Great club. Yeah, you can go to jeffdye.com or follow me on my socials and all my live dates are there. Right on. Love you guys.
Can I do timeout? I'd love this.
Damn it. Can I do challenge flags? Can we go to someone that can call timeout? Potentially. I like that. You could do whatever you want right now. We should adopt timeout and podiums. You're really going to change the world. I'm telling you, dude, this is pretty good stuff.
Patrice waited 20 years before he sat on the fucking stool.
I did comedy and just told them what I think about why they should vote for Donald Trump. Yeah. It was awesome.
At the end, they're like, we're all doing poppers upstairs. I'm like, what the hell? But no, it is. It is like jalapeno poppers.
Yes.
Right. That's why it's great. I'm a 2001 liberal, which is just now Republican.
Okay, so in 2001... I didn't change any of my views. And you just became over pumped. But now I seem like a crazy person. I was like, I didn't change anything. You guys changed. Yeah. Did you get your flack for that? Because you live in L.A., right? Yeah, I get a lot of flack for it. But also, I didn't get much flack. People were just like, that's how Jeff thinks, until I endorsed Trump.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's what was over the line for them. They were fine with me being Republican, conservative Jeff. They weren't fine with me being pro-Trump. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like girls don't really care, though. All the girls are, like, closetly obsessed with it. They, like, message me. They, like, they'll, like, secretly message me, like, hey, just so you know, I think this is bullshit.
Yeah, it's our thing. That's where you guys bond. It's our thing together. You guys love wrestling? Because I know I look like this, but then people go, oh, he likes wrestling? He's actually a fucking, yeah. Makes sense on a pub thing now.
No, I love... I think it's also one of the newest things that's happened to me. There's a comedy called Finesse Mitchell. Great guy. I thought we were friends. I was at the Lafferty. He's like, you've gotten real political lately. I was like, what? People keep accusing me of like, oh, you've really chosen a lane. Oh, you're pandering. It's like, no, it's just what I think.
No, you were these fat black guys always.
Why does it have to be pandering?
I did comedy in Seattle, Washington. That's where I'm from. And every show, every open mic, every showcase was, like, Jesus sucks, anti-religion, fuck George W. Bush, you know, abortion this, abortion that. I didn't once go, wow, you guys are really leaning into this whole Democrat bullshit. I didn't once accuse them of grifting or anything.
But then I say a thing and they go, oh, look, he's trying to get that Republican coin. It's like, no, no, these are just how I feel.
But in my mind, it's like, we're going to make the money either way.
Right. But I think the accusation is insane to me. You know, like when I was like saying nice things about Barack Obama, all I got was little pats on the bottom. Like, good job, Jeff.
Yeah, I wasn't. pandering to them, but now that I'm endorsing a guy that doesn't think we should cut our kids' dicks off, everyone thinks I'm nuts.
Don't hack them the way they like.
It's comedy. We're just doing the job.
I love it. Well, also, what do you think about these becoming a part of stand-up comedy?
Yeah, you're only allowed to be political if you're left.
And, like, then if you're a little bit right, you better be real, you know, you better be careful over there. And you're like, why? I'm just going to say what I think. We're comics. Who gives a shit? Yeah. I'm all about getting that bread anyway, dude. Someone's like, you're a painter. And it's like, bro, I'm getting that bread. Well, like, I'm not getting the bread from it.
Like, when I do Greg Gutfeld on Fox News, I get zero dollars. They pay me nothing.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the biggest show on late night. It gets people to come to my show, yeah, for sure. So I guess there is a way to make money on that back end, for sure.
Well, like, podcasts are free. True. Yeah. Joe Rogan's the biggest show in the world. I've never been paid to be on Joe Rogan.
But it's worth it. I want to be on it. Have you ever asked him? Asked him to pay me? Yeah, but hey, Joe. No way, dude.
It's just worth it. You do the things you want to do. When Joe replies to a text from me, I'm like, holy shit. If we had phones when we were in fifth grade and Amber Shoemaker replied, I'd be like, there's a girl on the phone. I literally am like that when Joe replies. I'm like, holy shit.
Every time I... Well, no way it was in a cake room. That was after I got killed. Every time I got killed, I was like, okay. Not every time, but... And then your body would relax. Yeah, yeah. People are going to go away, you know? It was like the death rattle.
That's so sick.
I thought McConaughey would be like shorter. He's like no. He's a big guy. Yeah.
Fluffy was there. It was pretty nice.
Dude, that kid was up front, bro. He was having the time of his life.
We got to hold the real belt, dude.
Yeah, Bloodline. She's Bloodline. She's part of the Bloodline? Yeah, but the one's out for the Bloodline. Does The Rock ever go back to anything like that? Yeah, he's the final boss now.
What's he up to? He's settled out of court. Oh, so he's just chilling out. Yeah, he's just chilling.
Blue Blazer. Blue Mini's ECW.
Blue Blazer, yeah. Blue Blazer.
Or was that like... You don't see it happen.
Yeah, they continued. They thought he was alive because he stood up and then fell. Oh, he stood up?
This is a vibe crusher, dude. Ultimate vibe crusher.
Dude, Ray Mysterio killed a guy. Well, he didn't kill a guy. He hit him with a, he started, you know, the 619 where it starts with the toe drop to the rope? He did that to the guy, and the guy, like, flopped dead onto the rope. What? Yeah. How did he die? Like contusions or something. I think he had a heart attack. I don't know. But he died there.
Well, yeah. The 619, he does a toe hold where it's like you grab his foot and you flip him to the ground and then his neck. And they're laying like facing out of the ring.
Yeah. Was this recently? Maybe like 2019. That's pretty recent.
What do you mean? How do you process that? He died the way he wanted, you know? It's like a good way to, I don't know. I don't know if it's like a bad way to go, but like, you know.
Triple H breezed by us. He walked behind us real quick. Triple H was there? Yeah. Oh, that would have been cool to see. Isn't he the president? Yeah, he's the boss now.
So who's in charge, The Rock or Triple H? Triple H is in charge of wrestling. The Rock is in charge of TKO, which is a company that owns UFC and WWE. Damn, he owns that? Yeah. Shareholder, shareholder.
Sean said he admitted to it.
Guys would trade accounts like RuneScape. You know, you'd like give a level 100 RuneScape account and then you'd sell it to like another guy. That's probably what he did. He just probably bought a bunch of level 80 accounts.
You're like, well...
I just know about mining. Yeah. I tried to build a rig. I couldn't do it. The programming part was too hard for me.
Yeah. How far did you get? It was like in 2015. I had like two GPUs ready to go.
You could have put a program on there, and I couldn't do it.
I don't know. That's what I was trying to figure out.
What's a qubit do? A qubit is a measure of quantum power. Yeah, but like, okay.
That's what I'm saying.
Okay, so I watched your video. It was like explaining like I was five. The guy was like, quantum computing is like, so you know how a coin has two sides? Sure. There's an endpoint. Both parts are entry and endpoint. But like quantum computing is like spinning a coin because there's an infinite amount of entries and exits.
Yeah, but like infinite because it's an infinite amount of points.
Points of data, points of computing, points of processing. So it's not binary code? These are all general fucking words. It's not binary anymore. I don't like these words.
Yeah, back in the day, dude.
You might have sized out of your dork city.
The prophecy is fulfilled. I did get a lot of tickets. I also stole a lot of tickets. It was a good time.
Yeah, they got three swords now.
He's unked up, dude. He was. We were full of burritos, too. We just ate burritos that morning.
I think it was Nate, too. We had the same food.
Goop man, the big goop.
Just some movie on Netflix like, These beautiful things that I like.
He's the guy who says, These beautiful things that I've done. Oh, that guy.
The Wild Wild West.
I'm not going to put a needle into my body. You have to.
I've seen a couple in real life. Yeah, take that back. I think there's that guy that hangs out at the bar by us. I saw a bit of Lego, bro, walking.
You do a little patch?
A little rhino horn? If they made a snortable tea, I would do it, actually. That's a more fun way to do it.
I think more people have snorted creatine than they realize. That's a common cut for cocaine. Really? Oh, yeah. Creatine is like...
Bumping creatine off it would be kind of nasty. I might bump some fucking coke off that.
We got a fucking Call of Duty sponsor, baby. We did it. The original. Fucking T dosage, bro. A little bump, bro. Shane, you got high T. No, I don't think I do. Yeah, you do.
Super high T. You haven't had it tested? Fuck no. That's a sign of high T. Yeah, you're like, I know.
Yeah, I would say there's definitely more. I feel like they're outside, bro. There's more than you think.
I've also, I've been doing my best. I've been a crybaby. What do you mean? I mean, we always talk about it, but I was just, you get done with a long weekend. Like, I was in the UK. I was fucking totally exhausted. I came back home, and I was like, what the fuck am I doing again, dude?
obviously i'm just hung over so i'm sad but it's like yeah cut it out although with high t comes high estrogen because they do kind of a couple oh really yeah if you have high t you usually have high estrogen as well yeah because you have your body has to you know that's why sterile like bodybuilders they take estrogen blockers because their estrogen raises with the t is that why they get titties i don't know maybe it could be
Could be. Or maybe they're just in the gym working on it. Maybe they just worked hard and finally got the results. They got big woman's tits.
Rocking tits.
I'd be in the gym like crazy if I could get woman's tits on my butt naturally. You can.
Dude, you ever see those like jacked fucking, they have. Really? It's funny. Sometimes, yeah, I'll see a dude in a movie like that's supposed to be like a jacked, ripped guy. And he is, it's just because his pecs are gigantic. but just a smooth set of woman's tits. Damn. Yeah.
Yeah. Tiny nipples.
Ooh. Yeah. Dude's nipples poking out of their shirt is for real. Like the opposite effect. I see a dude's nipples out of their shirt. I'm like, bro, woman is like, this is what have I done? Nipples on a guy. Yeah.
I mean, these dry fit fucking polos, this nipples, it's a nipple show. Yeah. Your nipples aren't poking out. Not right now, but I'll get them going. If you were to broad set AC kicks on.
That hurts. It hurts like hell. I get that normally. If I wear like the wrong, if I got a shirt with like a patched on logo, my nipples get, or a dress shirt. You have giant nipples. You think I have giant nipples? No, I don't. My nipples are good. You have perfectly normal nipples. They're perfectly normal, dude. I need to put that on someone. I instantly believed it. I was like, I guess I do.
No, normalize it. It's nice. Normalize it? I'm excited when I see it. I've talked about it before, but there were some albino Indians that worked at the Sbarro's in my mall growing up.
Yeah. You've been sending me some shirtless pics. I have been sending Shane some shirtless pics. Every time he makes progress in the gym, I think it's just for me.
yeah i think you go to the gym to be like shane check what i've checked what i've done to my body post immediate post pump picture oh yeah it's the best i do it in the dude from i get in the steam room i come out i have a glistening glaze on my body bro and i send it to shane i'm like look at this bro this is nothing sam hyde has been sending me nothing but pictures and facetimes from when he's in the sauna and he puts the phone at his feet and goes
Yeah. Super high tea. Super high tea. Too much. Super high tea.
There's no way you're low tea. Go back and fight the doctors.
That's the proof of high tea. Yeah.
That's a long sell. Takes himself a long sell. Getting rid of smoking and drinking is low tea. That's a low tea activity. That's literally a girl decision. Yeah.
can you drink too much shut up bitch that's the low that's the slow sell too to be like dude i'm on your side he's gonna do the same test he's gonna print like a fucking like furniture fax office printer like oh yeah dude you actually dropped that's crazy you're funny he's like on the semen scale but that's cool yeah that'll be fun It is cool to look forward to. I say it all the time, man.
It's like if you get older, you can just smash the T button and go nuts. Just go do double whatever they say. Just go double that up. Double that up. See what the fuck happened. I watched a video because they were like, dudes are taking. I watched this last night. They're saying a lot of dudes are finding out theirs are average and taking it. And they're like, it's only for people who are very low.
And I was very excited to see them.
Yeah. Well, I think it really if you're high T taking more T doesn't really bring your T up.
What?
right i don't know also there's a question of absorbing it you could put it in there you might not be able to absorb it so whatever that'd be cool i think it'll be a lot of it too it'll just be nice if i'm getting injected by anything by a doctor i'm gonna be like oh fuck yeah yeah hell yeah you like it yeah i would like that i hate it i hate taking blood i hate taking needles yeah i'm not a big fan actually can't do it
Every time I go, holy hell.
This would be like a needle in your butt, I'm pretty sure. Okay, I can do that. No, I'm not trying to be like... You put a needle in your butt cheek.
Dude, that's something I've never seen.
You got a flabby ass?
Are you serious? Dude, my butt. This is also another female psyop. Men should not have fucking sculpted.
This is like the 90s. I was like, we don't have any differences in Mechanicsburg.
I got a peach. Matt's got a dog.
I admired Matt's dog several times.
He does have a nice donk. Yeah. I was watching White Lotus, and the guy comes in and fucks a lady. He has a giant sculpted ass. I was like, ew. Who, the Schwarzenegger? No, the guy when she fucks one of the Russian guys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a fucking jacked ass, and I was sitting here by myself, and I was like, ew. Fuck is that, dude? It's the guy's bike.
I'd rather see his dong. You're on a flight from London. You're like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, not now. Will it ever end? The boner is not going away.
Did you watch that episode? Yeah, I'm caught up. It's the funniest thing possible.
unbelievable kid there was a clip recently i saw online of him like finding out he was in white lotus with his family and he like crying and being like yes oh no he's also at a white lotus style resort he was his rich family's at like a beautiful resort yeah i thought it was on set yeah that's funny yeah oh my god but then you get the script and you go
I never even knew Indians could be Albino.
I mean, what else is... Wait, hold on a second. What is he... I know, dude. You're going to jerk your brother off. Although, dude, I will say he's been... I'm so impressed by him.
They were. I can tell fucking alligators can be Albino. Anybody can be Albino.
Bro, if his dad would have blown his head off, that would have been the funniest day ever. You got jacked off by your brother, came home, and your dad blew his head off.
It's also so sick being like, yeah, we blacked out. I don't remember anything. And he's carrying the memory the entire time of being like, when the girls confront him and he's just like, that didn't happen. Like, no, I watched it. And he's like... Can we just stop talking about this right now?
Yeah, I don't know. You have to kill yourself. That whole family might... Suicide. Yeah. My mom was talking about it. She was like, I can't live any longer. I'd kill myself.
She's hilarious. Unbelievable.
I got a theory of what's going to happen. Do you really? I heard a good theory, too. It's going to be Goggins and the Bulldogger go to try to fuck with that guy. The guy they've been trying to fuck with.
Public constrictors, Indians. That's a fair point. That's exciting. What was their vibe?
and then there's going to be a shooting at the place, and I think that sweet guard is going to be the one. I think he's going to get popped trying to protect his babe.
My theory right now is the older brother
Could be multiple shooters. It could be he brings his gun back from Bangkok, and then he hears maybe a suicide shot go off. He's thinking it's the other guy, and he fires. There could be multiple gunmen all firing at each other.
I hope it's monkeys. I hope it's monkeys. That'd be the funniest thing possible. Like one of those little fucking capuchin monkeys.
That would be, yeah. If we just got to watch a family fall apart and then get killed by a monkey, that'd be great.
You got jerked off by a brother and then a monkey shot you. True.
They were great. They were running around. They have to be. The family owned the Sbarro's, and they were having a good time.
Yeah. Do you have a sister? I have a sister. Can you imagine doing drugs and her jerking you off? Yes. I would kill myself. That's different, but still fucked up.
Your brother jerking you off? I mean, it's not ideal, obviously. I don't have a brother. I can't. I mean, dude, I was watching it. Sisters, it's all hell. It's hell, for sure. But, dude, having a brother jerking you off is crazy. You and Baby Billy. That's crazy. I was sitting there with, I was watching it last night with Brittany and she was like, I was like, dude, he's like visibly sick.
And she's like, do you think you would get sick from that? I thought about it, immediately felt sick. And I was like, yeah, I guess so. I was like, yeah, that made my, it turned my stomach immediately.
Yeah. Who's your brother Fabio? It would suck if it was one of your boys. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's like you and me did something and I, you know, you ended up. I feel like our situation would be different. Our situation would be different. If we like kiss just to make it a funny joke and then you ended up stroking me, that'd be fucking crazy. Our situation would be different.
And that's genetic. It was like a portion of the family.
Yeah, our situation. We'd have a different sitch. Yeah, that'd be different. He was his brother. To be fair, to your point, Lewis, his brother was plowing. So there was a woman involved.
A lot of the fam was albino. There was albino kids. And the wall, they were right next to the wall in the food court, so they would just run over there.
So it's just the South Park episode with the aliens. Well, they're like, oh, God, you suck in my thing with like the Jewish aliens. No, I didn't see that. Earth is a reality show and these aliens are coming to cancel it, which is just they're going to blow up Earth. And then the boys go and hang out with them and they start doing blow and they fucking suck each other.
That's true. And it's, you know, the problem is, this is the thing I was wondering about. Is it, like, something where he's, like, dying to relive it? That could be part of his revulsion. Because they were, like, kind of, like, he was, like, showing his brother's ass and jerking off.
Why did they immigrate to America? Do you think they're being worshipped too much? Probably.
best how is it we had the pig rankings of all of our friends who's the top pig really the topic i can't say it here i'll tell you later it was the funniest first initial the first name nope but it was funny because he'd be furious really the topic okay that's a compliment i'm hoping i think if you just do i don't know yeah i could guess yeah this is really how do you define a pig
just pig behavior dude just the trowel you put out this you put out the fucking slop in the trowel and they're fucking drink drugs women yeah oh yeah the most vice versa pigs maybe you i'm up there i'm a good pig that's why i assembled on this trip i took o'connor and derosa yeah i needed the pigs to ride and i'm not gonna go to the uk and fucking not be picked
Verdansk. Where is Verdansk? Is that just a made up place in Call of Duty? Yeah. The original map.
They were probably on one of those 900-foot towers that everyone in the village carries and drops. They keep dropping them. They drop them every day. No. In India, there's some ritual where they build like a giant tower. It's like a parade float, and they carry it. And it collapses every time, and everyone has to run. I've seen it. It's my algorithm is Indian towers collapsing.
Yeah.
What?
They are super smart. Yeah. I feel bad about eating bacon. Every time I see those like pig pet Instagram videos, I'm like, fuck, it is kind of like eating a dog.
They're great guys.
Yeah, they're awesome. We had a pig when I was growing up. We had a little pig kicking around. What'd you do to it? Just chilled. Actually, they're very sexual, by the way. It used to hump. We had, like, an exercise ball. Yeah, dude. We had an exercise ball. We threw it in the pen, and it just, like, for real, in front of all of us, just humped it and jizzed all over it.
I mean, dude, that's exactly what you would do on an airplane with no societal training. If you saw like a hot flight attendant, you would just go up to her and start being like, no. All right. Fucking.
okay it's like walk back maybe be like come on they just like fight you just fight your dad go sleep by yourself in the corner yeah dogs do growl a little bit when they fuck do they really yeah they bite the back of the other dogs little shay shay shay and sharp head How was the UK?
It was awesome. It was nice? It was nice. Yeah, it was fucking great. But we went to the UFC fight on Saturday. I didn't know there was one out there. Yeah, it was in the same... I was doing the same room the next night. It was great. But we were sitting there and we were up close. The chair next to me had Jared Leto on it.
and i was waiting the whole time i was like damn jared leto's about to sit next to me this is gonna be crazy over and fucking uh talk to him about thin red line he just never showed up but it was nice a guy from philly beat the fuck out of leon edwards that's sick yeah sean brady and the entire anytime he had him ground and pound because the whole it was in london so everyone's cheering for leon anytime the whole time it was ground and pound and brady was just fucking destroying him and i was just sitting there going
go birds go they i haven't watched it back but you have to be able to hear it that's awesome and then after he won he was like all right thank you guys so much go birds it was just the nicest that's awesome yeah he beat leon edwards ass fucked him up dang yeah it was crazy i got to meet louis thoreau he was with us that was awesome really yeah yeah yeah that dude rules yeah he ruled
Might be one of the best investigative documentarians ever. Yeah, he's the fucking man. Ever motherfucking do it.
Noah Gallagher came and hung out at the London show from Oasis. Oh, really? Yeah, he's the fucking man. Yeah, it was crazy.
Yeah, apparently there's a lot of drama with that whole band. I didn't know. Oasis? Yeah, apparently. I could be wrong, but I remember watching something on it. They haven't been together in 16 years.
They're not talking shit. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe Liam jerked him off and then caused a rift in the family. I mean, yeah.
Would you like a wank? How about I do that on stage? That's funny. Because I was talking about jacking off and I was like, oh yeah, you go, how about having a wank? It was nice.
That is the funniest way to say it.
Dublin, I was talking about black people in Dublin boot. What? It was so funny.
When's Conor McGregor going to become the president of Ireland?
They hated him. Did they? I was shocked how much they hated him. Really?
He's one of the top pigs. He's one of the top pigs.
Yeah, true. He's one of the all-time pigs. Oh, yeah.
It's the pigs. It's one of the biggest pig qualities. And he got, for sure, busted.
See, I thought it was allegations. Until the people that were in Dublin were pretty confident. Oh, no. I think he lost.
India's sick. India's getting like a lot of recognition right now on social media. Not a lot of it's great. I'll be honest. People are being pretty negative towards them.
Yeah, I heard he lost the case.
He, for real, pig. Like, he did pig out. He's a pig. Yeah, dude, beating up old people, pig behavior. Pig. He, like, morphed his entire physical... Yeah. His being just morphed in, like, a year from pigging out.
Yeah, I'll be honest. I wouldn't mind whooping the hell out of an old man every now and again. I'll be honest, bro. Just his bones are breaking. They're all brittle.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can only take so much. But, I mean, as a UFC fighter, you can't beat up an old man.
People hate his whiskey. He was like, fuck that. I mean, that's setting yourself up for his people. If you're like a rich guy who's starting a whiskey company in Ireland, everyone there is going to be like, I don't want your fucking whiskey. It's a terrible piss. Get it out of here. That's just a recipe for a giant Irish spaz. That's the best whiskey I've ever had in my life.
They were negative for a while. Now they're back. I think so. It's pretty. They survived it. India got canceled for like a month. And now they're back, dude. They're getting that bump.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Well, dude, fucking Rama Swami's back. He's going to be like the governor of Ohio, I think.
Yeah, Ron Swann, he's giving it a shot.
He bounced back. He was going to be president, but then he spazzed on Twitter and now he's governor of Ohio. Not bad. Not bad. He's got a lot of time. Shoot for the moon. Yeah, exactly.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Where's Casey? End up in fucking Ohio. Aim for the stars. Yeah. And you'll land in Ohio. Well, it's good to be here with Luis J. Gomez. Thanks, Shane. I missed you, buddy. I missed you, too. It's been too long. It has.
Me?
Applying for Beast Games is... You applied for Beast Games? I applied for Beast Games. That's why we need to move it up a little. He's got a meeting this afternoon to apply for Beast Games. What the fuck?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
What's the layout of that show?
The first layout was great. Everyone's in the same room and they offer your row.
verdansk ukraine verdansk i'm excited i like call duty is important man call duty is like a it is for like dudes well-being i feel like dudes need to play call duty at nighttime now more than ever i think yeah men are lonely it's actually the most stressful dejected right yeah i got mlb this show going myself you what i got a career going road to the show baseball What's going on with it?
like you can eliminate your entire row and take the bribe the money yeah but then everyone else in your row is eliminated and it gets up to like 150 000 and people are like no i'm staying i love you guys a million i love you they did this the entire fucking time the million thing made me want to kill myself crazy i think we talked about as soon as they hit a hundred thousand dollars i was like this is what i've been laughing about i hope you get the show and you bail on five bucks just eliminate a hundred people go ten bucks
That's lawyer client confidentiality. Hold on a second.
oh yeah i'd like to have that thrown out your honor objection yeah that's all that matters you get a boner the pulses are that's your and even that i you could argue i could argue your pulse too I could stand in front of the good people and argue at polls, but guys, that could be anything. It could have been anything. It'll glitch for the Twitch.
About that 16-year-old's rocking tits on an airplane. Her huge bare breasts. They were covered in flowers. That was the one thing the movie did. Didn't they cover it? No, no, no.
That was Nina Savari. The other girl shows her boobs. You do know these girls' names.
What?
True. Hey. I can't believe you know the daughter from American Beauty's name.
Dang, it's turned into a pedophile hunter.
Who's the girl from Fast and the Furious? What other movie is she in?
Yeah, dude. What are you talking about?
What about Birch? What are some other movies you enjoyed her in? Yeah.
I don't know.
If you know this, you're out of your fucking mind.
Yeah, that's how I know about this. I didn't know about this. Yeah, she was like 16 as well. This was another CP... Yeah, they just filmed it.
I don't know.
I never saw it.
We were like lusting after this girl.
We looked it up.
What if they counter-eliminate you? How does that work? You're out.
Yeah, I rip it. That's nice. That's good. It's pretty sick. It's important. Yeah.
You get nothing and you're done. You could walk out with nothing. No, it's a psychotic show.
They deserve that perk in life. Yeah. All the bullying, all the stuff. They got to peep your dong.
Yeah. It's only fair. Speaking of gay guys, I watched this documentary on the Joplin tornado. What happened with that thing? It's just a giant F5 tornado that ripped through the middle of the town and killed like 160 people.
But they filmed this documentary. Every person that was in it was gay. What? Yeah. They interviewed like three different people that were clearly gay. One of them was a young boy newscaster from San Diego that wanted to be a meteorologist, and he was corresponding with an adult meteorologist from Joplin.
They had a little thing going, and he was like, I'll tell you what, we usually get crazy storms in May if you want to come by. No. And then the mom was like, I'm coming with you. What the fuck? So I think that guy might have been caught at Walmart by the mom, but then had to be like... Nah, it's just a storm. I don't know.
Storm chaser.
But then the kid happened to be there when the most devastating storm ever happened. Was his mommy there too? Mom was there. Damn. They made it out. They were all right. Thank God. If you get killed by a tornado.
Then there's a bunch of challenges. But the first thing to eliminate half the contestants was people being greedy and taking it and eliminating everybody. But the whole time, everybody was going, I love you.
Also, thank God you didn't get.
Watch the documentary.
you can get rocked by oh oh dude you go to a basement you're fine how then the house falls on you i don't know it's the biggest tornado the house gets lifted up it's the biggest tornado ever they got fucking killed i don't believe it it would fucking rock you so hard they're trying to drive natural disasters i just don't buy i was in a they're trying to drive away from it they're one group was getting chased by it one of the dudes got sucked out of the sunroof
Who, the kid who went over there to hang with the old man?
No, no, no.
He made it. But it was a different kid that, you know. He got pulled out of the sunroof of a car? I keep calling them all gay. Yes, he got launched out.
I mean, that's kind of sick. That's a great way to die. If you got to die, well, yeah.
No, apparently it fucking hurts because it's all debris. You're just getting hit by glass and dirt that's going 300 miles an hour. Just cows hanging in the fucking chair. You're getting hit by the worst shit ever. Entire houses flying.
An old lady on a bike just fucking hit you in the side of the head.
Yeah, I for real just thought you got launched super high and fell. I didn't realize all the debris would fucking kill.
The debris just hurts, yeah. Bro, the one... He's getting pegged by debris.
Wait till you hear this. Because it ripped through all this old dead soil and dead vegetation, it had... fungus in the air that was like a flesh-eating fungus that got into people and killed a bunch of people oh no yeah it was it was they had a flesh-eating fungus in their dirt everyone does that sucks yeah You're thinking about your garden.
I just added another roly-poly to my garden today. Dude. You added it? I find them. I find them walking around. I keep them in my hand, toss them in my garden. That's nice. What do they do? They're just good. They break stuff down, eat other pests. Nice. Very beneficial for gardens.
I didn't know that. I was fucking with roly polies my whole life.
dude i'll never they just met yeah dude within the first hour there's people crying it's everyone's crying it's crazy it's actually crazy sacrificing themselves they'll be like i'll get eliminated for you dude go win this you need they don't know each other they've never met these are the most insane you're gonna fit right in it's gonna be nuts to beat the fuck out of someone for taking the bribe you're gonna fucking you're gonna go in so you cannot be the one where they're in the cube
So yeah, everyone. Just watching those fuckers when I find them. Everyone fucked those things up. Watch it roll up and you go. Toss them. Yeah, it was like smashing.
Yeah, and the legs still twitch.
I'd love to condemn you, but I've seen a couple of those legs come off and keep moving.
Yeah, it's pretty sick. Yeah. Damn, so you turn it into just a fucking head? Just a fucking little ball. Just a daddy. Just a regular daddy. Yeah. That must be crazy. Just be a fucking legless daddy long leg trying to interpret the world and just sitting there like...
say mercy we fucking uh yeah but did they uh do you gotta hurt them well here's the thing because they say they don't have the pain receptors but even if it doesn't hurt it's still got to be experienced as a giant inconvenience yeah yeah to just be like you know on your p's and q's trying to munch some ants and all of a sudden you just all your legs have been ripped off you're just rolling you're not even rolling they can't even roll at that point they just yeah kind of just a disc
They're just like a little observation point. They're just... Until they die. Yeah, probably quickly, yeah. Yeah. It's probably sweet for birds, though.
No, not like worms.
Worms can do some weird stuff like that.
But no, I don't think a daddy long leg spawns legs. I don't think they could survive the period of growing new legs. You know what crabs do? What? You ever watch them rip off their claw?
No. Yeah. They'll rip off their own arms.
They get bigger, better?
Yeah. Shit. It'll take its one fucking claw and just go... What the fuck? And just sit there. Crabs are... I'm into that. You ever watch moose shed their... And deer and shit shed their antlers?
I've seen them scrape their shit off their antlers.
That is pretty sick. They just stand there and they go like this. And both their antlers fall off and they get scared. What the fuck? Oh, shit. They just take off.
I've never seen them knock them off. I've just seen them just like scratch them.
No, they'll fucking literally just shake their head and their antlers fall off. Damn. They take off. It's pretty fun. And it's pretty tight. Anyway, that should probably be the end of the episode. I think it's the bigger bettors. How are we doing? Oh, I thought we were well past. Never mind. I was going to switch over. I know you have to get to your Mr. Beast interview. Yeah, true.
That'd be great. We'll see. He did Kill Tony with me and Matt. Oh, did he really? Yeah, he did give me a little inside. Get me on, dude. I'll try to help. Get me on. That would be the best. Talk to Mr. Beast for me. That would be the best. It would also add a lot of viewers. I promise. But otherwise, actually your viewers, yeah.
Yeah, true. You'd be in the middle of taping. They'd be like, actually, we're taking you home. No, I hope you get that.
It's like, well, I'm just saying. It's not your fault they were in the movie.
I'm sorry that I'm a movie buff. You're just a consumer. That is crazy to be a director. What trophy are you going at? You don't need it.
It was totally fine until after American Beauty. It made it that far.
That is true. You know, yeah, at that time, we definitely were, like, parading kids around and, like, putting them in makeup and making them sing.
I've heard. I feel like I heard of this movie when I was younger. Like, my older brothers would talk about this, but I don't remember. Yeah, it was like a brother and sister.
Did you watch the whole thing? I watched, hold on, was the cube worth three people going? Yeah, dude. The guy who didn't take a million got eliminated over like a sandwich. Yeah, dude. So at one point, each group, there's like four groups of 100 people maybe. They have to pick one person that they think is trustworthy that won't take the bribe.
Dang, La Mer, that's even worse.
I don't know. I never got past the first 15 minutes.
Hold on, Your Honor. And they couldn't get off the island? And then they waited as long as they could. Damn, they had to repopulate the island with Southerners.
I mean, yeah, that's a wretched thing to put onto a kid's mind, being like, and this guy gets stuck with his cousin on an island, they have sex, they're 14, and you're like, I know exactly what cousin.
I know exactly which cousin I'm thinking of. Mom, I'd like to do a carnival cruise.
We don't see each other as a family.
Every time that boat rocks, you're like, this is it.
The boy was 18. And it's suddenly awesome again.
Damn, shout out to that kid. That boy. He was 18, dude. Sweet ass. His name was Chris Adkins? I know that. Did you just know that? No. Okay. I know who Christopher Atkins is. Let me take a look at this movie.
Also, as a casting director, it's got to be crazy to be like, we're trying to have someone who can pass as a naked 14-year-old girl. And then they got to, that might be the ultimate transcendent pig. Oh, man, this is child porn.
It's crazy.
What the fuck? That's the... Oh, dude. I'm just looking at the posters for the movie. Looks like they remade it. Oh. In 2012, Blue Lagoon, The Awakening.
Because if you take the bribe, your entire team is eliminated and you get to stay. and a chance to win. So they, they have four or three or four people on this big platform. They're offered a million dollars.
Probably two 40-year-old fat lesbians.
Eric Bross and Mikkel Solomon were the directors and put those boys on the list. Wait, the remake? Yeah, they remade it.
Oh.
Yeah, that's nuts to remake, to be like, let's run that one back. Although Romeo and Juliet, technically they were probably like 12.
so yeah no that's true I'm not gonna put that on them it is weird though that every every like a lot of women's shows are centered around high school romance It's true. Yeah.
Euphoria. Yeah.
But even before that, all those soapy WB things, they're all high school things that a lot of adult women would watch. It's like high schoolers making out and simulating sex scenes.
It's about high school kids. Do you see It Follows? I love that movie.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what gets me going. Stranger things. Shows hot as hell.
Yeah. Really? That's the one where the... You've seen It Follows. I've never seen it. There's a scene where the thing that It Follows just turns into Pedro. Looks exactly like Pedro Salinas.
Really? It's so fucking funny. I've never seen that.
Oh, it was me and Beezer. Okay.
Loved that fucking movie. Was that a Stephen King movie?
No, you're thinking of it. True.
No, he did a new movie. He did a new show that was on HBO like five years ago. Yeah, that was... About a guy who was in the same place.
It was kind of like The Stranger or something. The Outsider.
Yeah, it was The Outsider. That's what it was.
The Outsider. Yeah. We're at an hour?
Hell yeah.
Let's go straight into the Patreon.
Yeah.
They're crying again. They're all doing this again. Yeah.
When did that become... Are there 99 people watching you?
Yes.
They're all like, don't do it, please.
And there's just guys up there like, I love you guys so much. I would never do it. How did they pick the trustworthy people? They picked the most insane.
You got to pick up like a $20 bill and like, someone drop this.
this isn't mine anyway i'm just gonna leave it here i would never do that care about this stuff that would be standing in front of 99 people you just like a kicked off a tv and be like just dash their hopes of making millions of dollars would be a pretty interesting feeling yeah stand in front of that go you know a million dollars not doing it is the dumbest thing yeah ever yeah because at that point it's supposed to be one person winning five million dollars
Yeah, the end result is everyone gets eliminated except one person. Yeah, exactly. So who won?
Who won the whole thing?
I didn't finish it. You want me to give a spoiler? Sure.
He must not have gone to high school with me. All we did was creatine.
We just bullied this little kid. I really used to think creatine was steroids. I thought creatine was like an insane thing.
We're starting now. The beginning of that didn't count. Verdansk. Verdansk returns. The box of rations. What an insane choice that was. What? To say that right away. I know. It's pretty crazy.
I had no idea it was a natural thing in your body.
Yeah, like it's apparently something you like kind of have to take, I've learned.
Full of water.
Damn, so he used the whole 10 mil. You're taking creatine? I've been taking creatine. God damn, man. Taking so much. I've been taking it every day. Yeah, I like it.
You're all over it. That's good. Hey, Matt. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. I'm pumped for opening day. It's good to see some Phillies baseball again. Hopefully our bullpen improves with Jesus Lizardo. Speaking of pitching for the Phillies, what was throwing out the first pitch like? I'll tell you what. I was probably more nervous about that than hosting SNL.
Taking Joey Weaver. He got drafted. I went to TCU. They included college baseball in it for the beginning, and that got me high school and college. You played high school baseball? I played a little high school baseball.
I just didn't want to end up like 50 Cent. And get shot nine times or what happened? Yeah. If I had to do it again, I'd take myself more than one nervous breakdown throwing out the first pitch. Citizens Bank Park, baby. Book it.
Wow. That, dude. This week on PrizePix, I'm going with... I think I'm going to go with the... Orlando Magic.
You got to pick an individual. Oh.
Okay. I'm going to go... Hold on.
Let's go Bryce Harper.
Moore. I'm trying to figure out who's a good player from the Orlando Magic. I was going to start broad and narrow down. Victor Oladipo. Victor Oladipo.
Less. Penny Hardaway. Moore. Shaq. All right. You heard our picks. Now it's time to lock yours in with prize picks. I'm telling you, these guys are legit. I love prize picks. I've been messing around on the app and it's super simple. You just pick more or less on two or more players for your shot to win up to a thousand times your cash. I've been messing around that app big time.
You can talk to guys on that app.
Really? Yeah. I've been talking to guys. You can talk to a fellow. You cannot talk to the other guys. You cannot talk to guys. Unfortunately.
But you can pick more or less.
That is not part of the ad. That's something that may matter considering pitching two prize picks. Let us talk amongst each other.
That'd be fun. Nice to chat with guys. Chat, meet up. On PrizePix, you can mix and match player projections from different sports, combine your favorite basketball players with players from baseball, hockey, esports, and much more. PrizePix is the best place to win cash while watching sports. Join over 10 million users and sign up today.
Don't worry about it. That's crazy. There's nothing I can do. That's when the career starts. What do you want me to do? That should be illegal.
Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, run your game. Run your game. Must be present in certain states. Visit prizepix.com for restrictions and details. It's time to run your game. Me and Louis are stacking right now. We're T-maxing right now. You guys are fucking jacked. No, we're T-maxing right now.
We're both trying to do endogenous T-maxers. What's that? Just boost your T with like adaptogens. What's an adaptogen? It's like an herb. Anything like a natural substance. Adaptogen is just like a word for an herb.
But yeah, dude, I've been taking maca. I know about the maca. Maca, shilajit.
I've been waiting on some shilajit.
And moringa. And moringa? Bro, I woke up this morning... With a boner. What do you do on the merengue? It's my third day on it. I woke up for real, like, afflicted. Just kind of like, Jesus. I don't know.
You play as girls in Call of Duty, dude. Shut up.
I didn't take anything. I flew home from London. I was hard for an 11-hour flight. I had a boner the whole fucking flight. You didn't go rub one out? It was great. I considered it.
The sink is diabolical. Come on. Look, I've been there with you before, brother. I'm saying hit the toilet or like a napkin or something. The sink is crazy. No, I put napkins. I've jacked off on flights. I've jacked off on flights. Sometimes, like you're saying, I've had that crazy flight boner attack.
This is the closest I've considered, and it was 11 hours. I would take a nap, I'd wake up, it'd be harder.
yeah that's a character you can choose is a black chick with vitiligo what yeah it's crazy it's kind of i think vitiligo that's the skin uh yeah where she's like got natural camouflage that's why i chose her true the vitiligo community might be the most overrepresented community in the world it's a very small percentage every fucking model i look at scout it every you know what i mean they're everywhere yeah i've never seen one of them in real life
On a flight, I will say, you're... It's a quick one. Fast one.
Really?
It's probably because of all the pills you took to get super hard. It's probably a StemFab thing.
Taking fucking Molly and meth. No, I don't take drugs anymore.
What was the thing that sparked this? What sparked your like? I wanted to raise my tea.
Every single dude I've ever talked to is like, yeah, I have no testosterone.
I have no idea. Whoever the big tea salesmen are. It was Joe Rogan. They're making fucking money. I've never talked to one guy that's gotten his tea checked that isn't like. Dude, I was talking about this on the podcast. That's why I'm tired all the time. It's like, no, you're just getting old. You're fucking tired.
What are your plans, though? What are you trying to get your tea up to? You want to be more aggressive.
You're the horniest, angriest guy I've ever met. You have too much tea. No, I don't. The doctor was lying, dude. I've never met someone with more tea. You're screaming and coming constantly.
Chill out with the tea. It's all you do. If there was a Mucinex commercial for tea, you'd be the meekest guy.
Yeah, but did you, like, sleep bad the night before or all that? I know that stuff affects it.
Well, it can't hurt you. If you're just taking, like, maca and stuff. I'm taking Tongkat Ali. That's my... Tongkat Ali is nice, too.
Nice. I feel like nobody ever thought about this stuff ever before. No, for sure. People were mostly fine. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Nobody was talking about any of this stuff. People didn't even know what it was. I didn't even know. And also, I think it's kind of a gift from God that it drops off as you get older. That's the last thing you need is to have high tea and be like fucking 50. Yeah. It's just like you're setting yourself up for the most potent disaster ever.
The thing with it, it's like, I think it's the Manosphere podcast have really fucked a lot of people up. Yeah. But it all does stem from Rogan. But he was being original. Yeah, he was the first one. You know what I mean? He's just like, now those were his interests and he got so popular. that it's every dude in America's fucking interest. That's a fair point. It's like, I love jujitsu, tea. Space.
Space is fucking nuts.
Well, I've been on a space train since a young man. I used to read astronomy. Yeah, I used to read astronomy. Astronomy. Astronomy.
attacking each other i've been on animals attacking you since i was a young lad animals do animals rock i will say the tea is nice for end of life if you want to i i really want to save it till i'm like i'm going to really feel a dip to like the lowest possible pretty much borderline trans yeah and then just like a phoenix out of the ashes yeah just be sitting there one day being like in
and just be like, it's time, and just fucking just take so much tea. No, I'm not injecting anything into my body.
wild wild west yes yes what a uh man what a little what a week what a crazy week what a absolutely crazy week i'll say this about shannon yeah the funniest thing to me about shea shea defending himself was being like you only have a 30 second video release the full 10 minutes it's like he was like i didn't fuck for 30 seconds i fought for 10 minutes but the whole sex tape out
Yeah, I mean, we'll see.
I mean, dude, it's like... Hopefully it's all fabrication, you know?
The phone call was the one you just played where you said, black guy chokes white girl?
That was a goof.
I'm going to shay-shay on that, but that's all I heard.
I haven't looked into anything about it at all. Other than I just saw a little bit of Shannon defending himself. But it just cracked me up being like, it wasn't 30 seconds, dude. It was 10 minutes.
Ah, that gummit.
Once you get a wascally, whatever. Whatever.
the west we will have it in front of the 12 of my peers so yeah it's it's you know we'll see i mean if he releases that's gonna be crazy to sit in court and watch just read those texts oh just getting freaky bro that might be not his i was gonna say that's everybody's nightmare uncle might be like yeah that's what i do yeah dude for sure yeah he already got caught up with the
Dude, this is way off topic, but saying how bizarre reminded me of, I've definitely said it on here before, Bob Lazar on Joe Rogan with the UFOs. It's called Bob Lazar. I was out in Area 51, Bob Lazar.
They were brothers, dude. They literally said, I love you every day. I watched it every day during the Peaceful Purpose.
You're telling me that was fake? It was fake, bro.
According to Chris Cuomo... It was fake. He was the one leading it. I watched it every night. Cuomo was overly like, I love you, brother. We're going to get through this. Dong Lemon was always the one that was kind of like, all right, I love you too, bud.
I never thought I'd say it. Maybe sinners change me. I'm siding with Dong. I'm siding with Unk. I'm sorry. OJ Simpson, I'm back. Yeah, bro. In the spirit of an innocent man. Drew.
In an Italian way.
But that's Italian culture.
He had a hot dog snatch. No, he had a hot dog snatch allegedly at the Hamptons. He allegedly hot dog snatched.
A major. It was one of the great hot dog offense. One of the old, what are you selling? Hot dogs?
Like all great podcasts, dude.
Aren't they all calling one of the girls on ESPN a whore? Who? Who? Yeah. No one's saying shit about Shannon Sharpe's out here putting out sex tapes. What'd Skip get fired for? He was being a horny ass.
I know. You just got to wait a year. Pomo's all about loyalty. True. It's the Italian way.
I wonder if he had Dongs back when Dong went through the hot dog scandal. I mean, he didn't. The great dog scandal. The great fucking Sag Harbor dong scandal. A good weenie caper.
Lights came back on. Dong was gone. Oh, it was you, Dong.
He said leak the tape.
She was a wascally wabbit. You're saying she was a fine wabbit. She might have been baby of the week under different circumstances. Yeah, she's a lullabunny.
Still could be. I don't see, you know. I don't want to see your eyes light up like that when you talk about lullabunny. I know you want to fuck cartoons, dude.
Lullabunny's unbelievably hot. And again, they took it from us. The woke left took that from us. I'm a Jessica Wabbit kind of guy. Jessica, I mean, obviously. I'll tell you what, I'm also back on my lib shit. What's up? I watched just a video today of... It was at the UFC when Trump's cabinet was there. And they do that thing where the camera gets in front of you.
Every single one of them was like... Trump's cab? All the bros. Fucking Marco Rubio was like... It genuinely pissed me off.
I'll show you. It's going to fucking piss you off. You can't be a repub after you see this.
oh yeah i saw skip do that debate about lebron he looked like he was gonna get gangbanged what happened did that he just did a like a one of those things where you sit down and people argue with you first like 25 people yeah it was like lebron versus jordan but it started he was like i'm skip and i'm gonna and there's just a bunch of dudes standing behind him it looked nuts these people are out they're bonkers yeah i don't understand the need for like that level of discourse where it's like it
These are the bros. Mark Ingram being funny. Sick. Deion Dawkins, beast. Licks his wife's face. Awesome. Now, RFK keeps it classy. He's how politicians should do it. Uncomfortable waves. Here's the head of the FBI. Cash Patel.
I never thought of it. Cash Patel is an Indian in the cupboard. He truly is. The FBI director. Ugh, what's going on? You fucking kidding?
Those guys aren't as cool as they think. No. The libs are probably as gay as they are being accused. Yeah, for sure.
RFK did the right thing.
Next to his... That's what I want out of a politician.
I think Patel ruined it because Tulsi's Hawaiian. So that's probably what that was.
And Patel beat her to the punch.
I had a fun experience. A guy gave my girlfriend his number right in front of me, which is pretty funny.
But then I got his number, so he left. So I started texting him. I catfished him for a while.
as long as i as long as i could and then i said you're probably good at it too i was really good i was about to say and then i was like can we hang out tonight and he was like i can't hang out tonight but soon and i was like uh are you awake and he was like yeah i was like can i at least call you he was like yeah called him i go it's me pussy you dumb fuck you gave my girlfriend your number right in front of me you dumb bitch he was like oh dude i didn't know i'm sorry
So that was the other night. That was fun. What a beast. I mean, I respect him too. And he wasn't, now here's the way I was looking at it. Cause he wasn't a great looking guy.
He was kind of an older drunkard, which he probably saw me with her and was like, fuck it. She'll fuck anyone.
fuck it i'll give this thing a shot uh or he thought the discrepancy between me and her was so great that we were just friends sitting there or he saw you chatting i was sitting with her what the fuck he's probably an old drunk horny devil he was a beast i'll give him i'll give him credit for that a lot of old drunk horny devils like shamelessly yeah he was i i respected him
And then I got my gun. I got an MPX. Nice. Perfect timing. I got a gun so that guy can come fucking find out.
I'd say, come over here.
No, I don't want to make fun of them because the gun is awesome and it was a gift. And it's really cool. But they painted it. And it's Eagles colors with an Eagles logo by the clip. And they gave me a fucking Call of Duty. They gave me a Fortnite gun.
that's and that it's cool but you know you should shoot him you said nate saw it me and nate went and fired it it's a great gun did you get to shoot it yeah it's an awesome gun it shoots like it doesn't yeah you can't miss yeah so it was it was sick this house is shooting that guy's dick when you were trying to shoot wait what the target i was blowing his dick off oh yeah it was crazy perfect you can't miss fucking 20 shots straight to the dick you literally cannot miss center grab that's where you got to go dude right to the center
Yeah, that's what we were told, too.
Turns out that's actually a good place to shoot someone. It's perfect. Because you got the dick and all these arteries there. And, you know, if you shoot, you're shooting to kill, bro.
If I discharge my firearm, I'm trying to dispatch you into the next world. For sure. I'm not trying to find out. He's still in the fight if he's wounded. I'm going for his teeth. I want to make sure he's not in the fight. Take out the sidearm.
But I got, yeah, I got a gun, but they painted it. So it's kind of a silly.
And they're Cowboys fans because they're going to be down here. They're definitely going to be Cowboys fans.
Yeah. It's literally Bukkake. By the way, we've all been there. I'd like to see her take on more than just one guy. Let's see what 25 looks like. I wish I hadn't done that. I'm not the man I thought I was.
Yeah, I actually felt bad after I catfished the guy.
I hope he knows it was all in good fun. I mean, was it? It was pretty bad, although I did go get up and look for him immediately. I was like, what the fuck? I'd be pissed, man. Yeah.
Now they're scared of us. True. Now they know we're vampires.
Potatoes. I might grab a hot dog. I might break in there and grab a dog if I need to.
And then shoot the dog and then go.
You're not some fucking Dong Lemon. You're Cuomo at heart.
I do want to say this because people are going to be gay about me talking about sinners. The Irish vampires might have been a little nod to Irish oppression. What happened? Because that's how they became vampires. There's certain people that can play music so good that it communes with the otherworldly. And the Irish are one of them.
Yeah. Rocky Road to Dublin gets the evil ghouls coming. Just so you know.
The problem with Ireland, they better fucking let immigrants in. True. What the fuck have they been up to? They're all entire fucking... Immigrants. Yeah, that's all they do. They go, ah, saved up enough money, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Yeah.
Chill. Yeah, I did that in Dublin. I did a joke and I was like, I brought out like black football teams and the whole crowd went boo. And I was like, yo, yo, we're not allowed to boo black people. I know you guys are allowed over here because there's like six of you, but chill, chill.
They were having a piss, and they knew it was funny, and everyone in the room knew it was funny, so everyone was laughing.
Funny vamps, bro. They're the funniest vampires. One, two, three, four, five.
You need to see... Sorry. I don't speak about another man's house. Don't talk about him, dude.
They'll spazz on you.
What was with the plumbing? Because we had a toilet that was like that.
The ladies from space. I'm back on that, too. That fired me up. I'm getting hit with videos of Katy Perry's dumb ass.
Yeah. Could have been in WAPO.
Yeah, that could have been better babes. Better babes. Better babes. That's what we wanted. Different bunnies, man. They could have grabbed some different bunnies. What if they just took the last six babes of the week?
I have dolphin consciousness. True. Fully.
What about, they're a bit of a Kanye. They'll fucking suck their cousins. Dolphins will suck their cousins.
You got it, bro. Nate? Big no from me. I'd like you to leave the snow buddies alone. That's something me and Dr. Umar can agree on. I got triggered last night, dude. What happened? Saw Sinners. What's it about? It's about evil Irish vampires attacking black people to steal their souls and music. To steal their rock and roll. What was this on? It's a huge movie. What?
You can go ahead.
How do you think animals mate? Although there are courting.
Dolphins rape guys. Dolphins rape other male dolphins. They all stick their dicks in like their blowholes and shit.
They know it's a rapist.
bros apparently the dolphins are they're sly devils i think there's like a lady that live with dolphins that end up jacking them off yeah yeah there's people get a little fucking horny around well there's that whole job huh dolphin killed himself because the lady had to leave really yeah they found out about her jerking off the dolphin they reassigned her and then the dolphin just like drowned yeah john lily john lily got like that's pretty nice the dolphin drowned the guy john lily was like he's just like i'm not going back up dude he
I'm not getting jacked off. It's been a fucking week since I got jacked off. I'm staying at the bottom of this tank. Fuck it. Fuck it.
That'd be the coolest fucking thing in the world. I know. Until one of them turns on you and fucking bends you over a barrel.
There was a guy who claimed he would fuck the same female dolphin. He would swim out and fuck this dolphin. What? Fuck. I got to find that. That was a great story. Yeah. It was disgusting. He should be executed.
How come bats don't? They might. Well, then we need to get to that bridge in Austin. Yeah. True. Margaret Howell Lovett was a lady who jacked off dolphins.
I think so. Dang. Margaret Lovett.
How did Peter the Dolphin... His name was Peter the Dolphin. Peter? Oh, Lily was... Yeah, Lily was with her.
Dang. She was known for living with and attempting to teach Peter, a bottlenose dolphin, to speak in the 1960s. Part of the John C. Lilly project. She was trying to teach the dolphin to talk.
To talk. To speak. It said speak, not like communicate.
She did. Eventually, Peter, being an adolescent dolphin, frequently had sexual urges.
Not cool. Not cool. Which disrupted his lessons, and taking Peter to a downstairs pool with two female dolphins proved to be a logistical issue for Lovett.
eventually love it relieved peter's urges herself stating it wasn't sexual on my part sensuous perhaps it seemed to me that it made the bond closer not because of the sexual activity but because of the lack of having to keep taking breaks and that's really all it was she's saying jerking them off decrease the amount of breaks you think that would increase the breaks little dolphin siestas that's pretty hot
That was part of Peter. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch. Just get rid of that scratch and we can be done and move on. She's not wrong about that. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I mean. That's the hot part.
Obviously 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Obviously. Yeah, yeah. No, the movie fucking does rule. It was a very good movie. Irish Vampires? Yeah, it kind of hyped me up. At one point they sang Rocky Road to Dublin outside of the... It was... I mean, it's basically Dusk Till Dawn with... Django. There's a Django scene. There's a Django scene. You'll see when you see it.
Lovett might be the only cool lady on earth. Yeah. She might be the only one that understands it's just an itch. It's just an itch. Just scratch the itch and then we can move on. It's just an itch, man. Then I'll go to the Charlie XCX concert. I'm not going to the fucking Charlie XCX concert unless you scratch the itch a little.
You are a machine.
You're a complete machine.
I need to be gripped.
Oh, man. Matt, if you know me. Look, guys. If you want to make your mom happy this Mother's Day, it's simple. Call her. But if you want to go the extra mile, and you should, it's your mom, get her an Aura digital picture frame and send her some meaningful photos.
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they didn't say when it has to be read verbatim true that's true so I'm a fine print guy Matt true that I can't wait to show my mom this picture of me me flexing shirtless oh yeah
from behind flexing from behind shirtless showing my back traps glutes my mom needs to see my gains close up on my glutes it's actually a good idea to aura frame out and send your mom befores and afters of your gains for sure she probably hasn't seen you in a while go this is what i worked on yeah man wait till you've done the gains don't just send her a whole before album eighth grade to now just being like i'm such a that's actually a great idea it'd be nice yeah just flexing hard i'm gonna start taking the same picture every year
They're going to be in there, but... That's what it is.
She would understand that. An aura frame is exactly what she needs to store and display all those pictures. You can even send her a picture the next time you're talking to her on the phone telling her about that game you went to. There's a reason aura frame was named best digital photo frame by Wirecutter. That's no joke, folks. That was in Wirecutter and featured in 495 gift guides this year.
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Please come. Yeah, go to ShaneMGillis.com for tickets. I'll be in a bunch of cities. Goodbye. Oh, wait, Guard Dog, do you have a show you'd like to promote? Yes. You know to get in front of the camera. You know that. Okay. Would you like to join me? Are you coming, Lemaire?
You're never going to guess. Jim Crow, Mississippi. You're never going to guess. One of our proudest moments. Yeah. There's running back the hits. There's a running back. The big time hits. No, it was... The movie was good, but again, I'm working on not getting triggered by race baiting. But the movie was good.
Because I went to the show and it wasn't good. I went to Optimum Noctis, and the lineup stunk, and there was 20 people in the crowd.
It seems more like an excuse for you three to go fuck off than that.
You're like, it's not funny. Your uncle fell from the zip line.
You're lucky I didn't hit the rocks.
Yeah. What noise did you make when you hit the ground? I don't remember. It was definitely like... It was like a wind knocked at you type.
If you were in a chair, this would be a sick pod. That would be nasty. You'd be smarter. True. Then you could understand quantum physics.
Was it a trick? Yeah, but did he fall off a horse or hit a ski?
Yeah, it was good.
The evil white vampires did kind of piss me off. And the only white people in the movie were evil, nasty folks.
I hope they sue you for breaking the zip line.
I'm on the, yep.
Did you read the rule book in the house?
Oh, dude, we didn't even talk about our fucking beautiful papa. Our pope passed away.
Sweet, sweet papa. Papa's gone. What? I don't think that was real.
I don't think that was a real New York post.
Forgive me. Somebody in our group chat posted a thing from the New York post. Trust me, I checked. I was like, there's no way that's fucking real.
I don't know what I would do first.
Dude, the Green Goblin. I was so excited when I got the Green Goblin. And I took pictures and I sent it to everybody just because I was very excited. And then instantly started getting negative feedback. What? And then I realized, fuck, they're kind of right. It is gay. And then it took me a while to come back around and be like, no, this gun's fucking sick. Fucking rules, dude.
Obviously, it's strategic.
They shoehorned Native Americans and Asians into the good side. What? So it was everybody against the honks, dude. The honks were outside going...
Lev Furze, fucking bitch ass. Who? Lev. Do you know Lev? You would like him. We call him Heavy Levy. He's a guy who ballooned during COVID. Beast? He was a handsome devil. Really? And then COVID happened. For real, it was before and after La Mer on the Green Bay trip. He just beefed up. He beefed up. Not his fault. The government did that to him. Kind of.
I mean, I wish I, I want to tell that story about that. It's a live personal story. Yeah. True. Making his girlfriend cry. It was one of the funniest stories I've heard.
fuck i want to tell it i'll tell it i'll tell it and then text him and if he says no we can edit it out but we he gets he gets a lot of guff for being heavy and he said one time he ate so much that he made his girlfriend cry and i guess what happened guard dog
Yeah, they were in the middle of an argument about him having to be healthier. Yes. And in the middle of the fight, he had just ordered two Subway footlongs. And they arrived. And arrived, and he sat down and grubbed 24 inches. 0.67 yards of subs. Of hoggy. Of hoggy, right in front of his babe. Subway's buffalo chicken. Subway rules. Everyone tries to shit on Subway. It's great.
Yeah, I doubt Lev wants us to air that out.
Because that's a truly devastating story.
He probably won't care.
Your babe crying. My dad was... Dude, if I grubbed so hard that my woman left the room crying... Such an... We can only aspire.
I don't know if you're wrong. Yeah, I guess I could. I think it depends on the dish. If you sit down and smash a cake, they're going to be not too pleased. Yeah, like, mmm, that was yummy. Ooh, yeah, ice cream. That's another one. Yeah. Two Subway footlongs.
I know, I am pretty hungry.
I don't know, but I guess. They had it figured out back then. It's a thing in the Delta, I guess, Mississippi, where Asians did go there. And due to Jim Crow laws, opened bodegas and shit.
What type is that?
That would make a Bay proud.
Yeah, they'd be hyped on that.
the thick layer of tis man my it's so fucking good it's it's stand-up fuel left said it's okay yes be obvious beast he is b i've never seen someone that doesn't care more about yeah i love heavy and he talks shit to everybody he's very funny animal he's a nasty fuck i must have i must have met this guy i never yeah for sure i'm not yeah i'm not a uh but you weren't really that much in new york
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he's not a mothership brew.
It's a good group chat.
i was i was playing we played halo me and him would play video games together and one night it was like 3 a.m when we're playing halo and he's like i'm kind of hungry i think i'm gonna get a chicken parm sub and i was like dude just go to bed yeah it's 3 a.m let's just go to bed you do not need to or you need to stay up until five like four to get that parm sub Don't get me wrong.
I was jealous of the man's freedom.
I wish I was willing to go, yeah, fuck it, palm sub, 3 a.m. The wake-up's... Sober.
He was sober hitting these orders.
And he gained 500 pounds. And he drove a motorcycle.
To be like, you guys can fucking... Yeah, they're a middleman minority.
And they did that, I guess, back then. I don't know how prevalent it was that it needed to be in the movie. I don't know how many fucking Choctaw Indians were running around in 1930. But, you know, fuck it. They're vampires, so...
That's a really good score.
That's a very good score.
Don't do this to me. Hold the baby corn snake. I'm going to take that one. I might use that tonight. I might use that tonight with my woman. Hold the baby corn snake. You know what time it is? What? What time? It's time to hold the baby corn snake. The baby corn snake's hungry.
what was it what was it what was the vibe in like the uh the vibe in the theater no the vibe you went to the theater and watched i saw last night oh shit yep i was one of the few honks talking about in the in the bodega whenever they'd make a point in the movie i'd hear a lot of and it didn't piss me off until i got on yeah well actually i almost was standing up going uh
I don't think he's going to fucking bite his ass, too. With the bearded dragon? Yeah, this thing's a fucker, dude.
I think a girlfriend might come in between him and his bearded dragon.
It's time to put down the bearded dragon.
He'll be carrying it down at Easter, going, everyone...
Lemise, we could get you a bearded dragon.
Damn, I didn't know they were this chill. They're chill as hell. They're the king of chill.
don't get me wrong bearded dragon's cool but i mean i know what you mean i don't want a pet that's nothing you're talking about being a reptile adult yeah yeah it's tricky i knew a reptile adult a dear friend of mine i think i might have talked about it my my cousin was dating a reptile adult she had a giant fucking like iguana she had a huge lizard that they would she would like put in bed with them
You got aura robbed on that zipline, dude. I mean, the zipline. That's devastating. Crush. That was all your coins.
Now that's a good animal.
You have a 31 year old Shetland pony.
If you look into the actual history, I don't know. I don't know. What do I know? You've never been there? I wish you did. The only thing that bothers me, it's not that movie. It's just that that's how people get their history. Yeah. That's what they think was real.
That's way more enviable. Yeah.
All right. All right. All right. All right. That's good.
Always. No, not the Irish vampire, but I got on Twitter and someone was like, that's why black people don't have welcome mats to let vampires in. That's just old Mississippi voodoo. There you go. Yep, for sure. Every single thing that we do today was from that. What? I think that was just one dumb person, but... What the fuck do welcome mats... It's about vampires.
I don't know. You'll see. The movie does. Michael B. Jordan fucking rules. He rules in it? He fucking rules. And he plays a twin brother. He plays himself twice. What? Which normally I fucking hate. Yeah. He did a great job. He nutty professored. He nutty professored out. And it was pretty good. That's awesome. When they told me he was playing his brother, I was like, oh, that sucks. Yeah.
And I saw it and I was like, man, he's pretty fucking cool.
They're trying to get in there. Give me your spuds. Give me your spuds. I know you've got spuds in there.
let me in i'd like to suck your sports i know you're keeping the spuds back there let me in there uh yeah the music scenes were sick and really yeah you'll see yeah whatever i'm complimenting a lot because i got frustrated you're gonna love it you guys are gonna i'm really looking forward to seeing it actually I would love it. Let's get a white movie.
Where we kill all the other races. Oh, you can't do that. Why? You guys do it every single fucking time. We used to do it. We had those movies.
They were a big hit. I swear to God, I think they showed Birth of a Nation at the White House. Yeah, remake Song of the South.
I have – I would like to see the Lakers win it all. I like what they're up to, and I usually don't like the Lakers, but I'm enjoying it. I'd like to see – Lena Doncic and LeBron Jones.
I will mention a particular player. LeBron James.
I hope. You want to see him? I'd like to see him do great.
If he wins here, this could be it. Yeah, true. But he's doing great. He's having a great year.
I'm going to go Shea Gildress-Alexandra. I don't know how to say his name. Really? Shea Gildress-Alexandra. He's the man. You'd like OKC. They're a fun team.
They're beating the brakes off of the Grizzlies. Yeah, they really? They're fucking killing them. That's awesome. Every game. It's two games, but good guy.
Yeah. Beautiful. First game was by like 50. Yeah.
You're back. I'll let you finish. I'm back, though. I'm back in my... Right wing king. Right wing king. Saw Sinners last night.
You guys were some bad guys for, yeah. They had a good run of being. Not really.
In the early... Early 90s? Early 20th century. Early 90s.
I don't remember them being a bad guy in a movie. In the last 30 years since I've been alive.
Russians have been bad since 1980.
I don't know. Thug henchmen are always white. It's like a fucking Home Alarm System commercial. Yeah, true.
No, that's a horse of a different color. Let me get movies mixed up with the news. Yeah, movies since I've been alive. Now, I will say they did hit black people with... cool black friend sidekick yeah for a while yeah which come on man we're trying Yeah, I'm going right now. This is the honks trying their best. Movies? Now it's white friend sidekick in black movies.
We've switched. Yeah, I watched G20. You guys are going to love that. What's G20? Oh, come on, man. It's the best film. What's G20? It's Michelle Obama biopic. What? No, it's not. It's not. It's Viola Davis plays a kick-ass war hero that becomes president and... Saves everyone's lives. It's time to save the whole world again. It's good? It's good.
It's based on evil white guys break in to try to kill the coolest black lady and the coolest black husband and their kids.
It's very good. Enough.
Kanye might be a vampire. He sucked his cousin. He fucking wanted to suck his cousin.
I mean, it could be making it up.
It could be just chatting. But that one seems, that's a tough one to put on yourself.
He says that in the song? I think. Oh, this song fucking rules. I gave my cousin head. I gave my cousin head.
Yeah, we need that. Instead, we got cousins. Is that what it's called?
That's the summer banger.
They could be playing that at the club.
He probably saw White Loaves. True. He's probably like, I could do that.
You're trying to avoid... After Unk got in trouble, you're trying to distance yourself. You're trying to leave the Unk sphere.
You're still in the Unkle sphere.
It goes to the very top. Curb street. It goes all the way to the top. Lee Corso said we could do it.
That'd be fun. Let's just start. Fuck it. Hey. Yeah, I thought it could have been House again.
All right. I watched season one. It was great. Yeah, it was, man. It was hilarious. It's very interesting, I'll tell you that.
Any female witness is nullified, dude. One male witness is equal to like five female witnesses.
Yeah, I don't think there was like an alien UFO. That was just a fucking weird government thing to do. I'm gonna be out there tonight. I'm gonna look again.
There's also a chance it's just a guy. Yeah, just a neighbor. Just having fun with it. It's a big fucking drama.
That's what I'm trying to figure out. A lot of tech down here. There's nothing here, bro. It's all tech now. It's tech?
Yeah. This is a lot of tech down there.
Pouring his heart out like that?
Yeah, yeah.
He's trying to do the keks.
That was a close one. Yeah. I'm usually quick to defend. That one was.
I went to the Notre Dame National Championship.
I was, not through the administration. You're one of the pure ones. AB invited me. I got invited with AB. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was tough to turn down. Wait, AB was there? Yeah.
Antonio Brown was at the inauguration. With Theo Vaughn and the Paul brothers. I mean, that was a crazy lineup. Dude, it was.
I didn't see him either. He was there. For sure. Yeah. I saw a picture of him and Trump. And he invited me to go with him.
Oh, yeah. Trump's behind him kind of fucking laughing.
That's how we both naturally talk. This is our radio voice right now. We've been code switching this whole time. Whenever we talk, we're like, yeah, I'd like some Chipotle. Could I get chicken bowl with rice? And he says, yeah, no problem, Shane. One day the portions will be bigger. This is some bullshit.
Can you do it? Can you do a good MLK?
It was crazy.
It's like, we know that's not how you talk. What are you doing? It was bad. Who is that guy? Was he a pastor?
Oh, it's the 40s and 50s again. Everybody's going back. Let's just do whatever we were doing.
It didn't happen. Huh? Theo came back and said, my bad. Turns out they didn't fuck with the chair.
I don't think, I think he was serious. I have no idea, I didn't talk to him about it. I think he seemed serious. Yeah, yeah. I was ready to ride.
Yeah, you can't really tell, but that seemed serious.
It's Epstein. No, you're going to keep it changed. Okay. This is bordering on.
Unless he sells a fight with them. True. Because he just goes and gets knocked out by the Paul brothers. I was ready to ride against the Paul brothers.
Maybe he sells just getting knocked out in a couple months. That'd be so sick. Yeah. Yeah, falling through a chair out of anywhere is hell. But inauguration, that's... That is funny to think about.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I get him confused. They're both box, but the younger brother's the one who just beat the fuck out of Mike Tyson. So unnecessary. So bad. Yeah, that was, like, sad, man. Yeah.
It has nothing to do with that at all.
I think that was Mike. Yeah. I think Mike was doing that. Yeah, no, that's what I said. Yeah.
Yeah, true.
It does, yeah. That's actually a decent point. CTE does get kind of spread. He's got a point. Yeah. They got it from somebody who probably had CTE too.
I think it's probably just most former NFL guys.
Yeah, they're wrecked. Real old.
Yeah.
I'm not going to watch it. That kind of ruins the whole fucking thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know. You had to go to Atlantic city or.
Yeah. It was illegal. Yeah. They just made it legal. And now every single person gambles.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I was mad at LeBron during the national title. Why? Oh, he was Ohio. Yeah, he was in the box. Oh, yeah. I mean, you had to know. Put a crown on his own head. You knew Notre Dame wasn't going to win that. I didn't think Notre Dame was going to win, but. First drive looked good. Great season. You gave a pep talk, though? I did. You did. I'm not supposed to talk.
Well, that might have been the reason right there. That shit didn't happen for you. What happened? No, I just met the boys in the morning, gave them a little...
That's incredible. I think I'm not supposed to talk about it. Okay, okay, okay.
But no, that was awesome. Yeah, got to meet Marcus Freeman before the game. Phil talked to him. It was nice. That's awesome. Phil made his way all the way back to the title after the week two heart attack. Huge. Beast.
Did you feel all right? I mean, it was... I knew it was... I was like 21-7. I was like, that's game. Yeah. And then... They cut it to one score with like four minutes and then questionable decision to try to kick a field goal for no reason down 16 or whatever. Yeah. But great season. We'll be back for sure. We got to raise some money for the Irish now.
I'm going to give them a little. Yeah, that's where all the money's going. That's where all the money's going. I'm going, fuck my family. It's going straight to Notre Dame football.
Yeah. I was looking at the confetti, watching Ohio State score, just sitting there going. I called my agent immediately. I was like, let's book a show and give all the money to Notre Dame. Notre Dame needs a champion. I woke up the next day like, ah, fuck. Fuck, that's a lot of money. Fuck.
Fuck the LA Fires. Notre Dame needs a de-tackle. I need to give that to an 18-year-old. Those dudes are nuts, man.
That's on Monday. Me and Burr are going to do a show out there. Where's it at? Where's the show at? I don't know. In L.A. I forget what it's called. The Wiltern? Yeah. Is that what it is? The Wiltern?
Yeah, it'll be good.
What I'm doing? It's a fundraiser for the fires for LA.
No, what's happening is all those rich people whose house is burnt down, not that I'm like, fuck them, but they are all renting apartments now in LA.
and the prices are just oh everyone's now because now thousands of rich people yeah just buying came down from the hills yeah just crushing it like landlords are calling people like hey get the out of here that's i got a guy who's gonna pay triple what you're paying and if people don't know the laws they're just like oh my landlord said i had to leave that sucks yeah so what the are y'all talking about man
Yeah, I don't know anything about all that. So they were telling me where shit was burning. I was like.
Like the houses and everything.
Whoa.
Was it fucking windy?
Oh, wow.
As he's talking.
For sure. No, but I'm doing a fundraiser. What are you doing to help?
That's why I brought it up. I wanted to involve myself with you guys. There you go. I mean, anything y'all are doing to portray. No, he was in Atlanta when I was, and I was like, cause I was going over to say what's up to the team before the game. And I was like, it'd be nice to have Drewski with me for the black players. You know what I mean? I walk in, the O-line was hyped to see me.
Let's get the White House and DBs fired up. Let's get the wide receivers fired up. Let's get the running backs and wide outs going a little. Here's Drewski. Let's get Drewski.
Linebackers in O-line, we're flying.
I was surprised.
I didn't think they'd get as hyped. I was going into it like, no one's gonna give a fuck, this is gonna be awkward. I walked in there like, ah. Sick.
I feel like he would have went longer. What do you mean? If it was intentional, I think he would have went longer. That was quick. I didn't get to see how it ended either, though. It was quick. Well, yeah. It was like two minutes. Yeah, but it could have been. He was going hard, though.
Yeah.
Two or three.
What do you usually say? The second is like, don't come, don't come. Don't come, I'm right there. You go, oh shit. I wish you would have shot that bitch goddamn.
Okay.
It's just nice. I just like having it around. And also, I think about it a lot. Maybe when I'm having sex, I go, good Lord, if somebody heard me.
I was just wondering if the show was about black love or not.
That should be what you walk out to. Just play it for two minutes straight. Oh, that's a good girl.
In the middle of a good dick beat session, this guy was researching facts about how to come better. You definitely, he stopped watching porn. Now you're jacking off to fucking research. Don't act like you wouldn't jack off to some research.
The questionnaire, maybe.
37% of dudes were around.
He's in the dungeon, man. He's cooking up research on guys being gay in the 50s.
It's an insane, insane statistic.
google i want to know if my brother's brother man dude 30s in the 50s dude that's crazy and that's self-reporting it's good they included the jizz part because otherwise back then everybody would be like i was kind of fucking gay i said good night to a guy when i was leaving a party yeah
Fuck, Tom.
He's the oldest.
Oh, oh, it was Tom.
These are insane numbers. We're just throwing shit out. Hold on, hold on. Here we go. I trust the science with this. Me and my brother were trying to say... Did 37 say yes?
We'll do a blind study. Everybody, I won't tell on you. Everybody, close your eyes. Raise your hand if you did something gay. Close your eyes. I didn't close my eyes because I'm not fucking gay. I feel like if you participate and close your eyes, I feel like you're a part of it if you close your eyes.
Yeah, he closed his eyes. You closed your eyes? Yeah.
I did, but if you participated in any way, that counts. You're part of the percentage.
I might be out. I've been in the room when dudes have jizzed. That's crazy.
You go to one kid's house who has a perverted dad. You go, bro, break out the stash. The boys need to party.
Oh, and it's no phone. And it was just on. Yeah, you're just like, fuck, I'm going to jerk off real quick. Yeah, you guys go over there. I'll go in the cell room. Don't look. Yeah.
I mean, we all got primule.
What's up with the train? Yeah, what's going on with the train?
And that's also considered gay.
How did that? Of all questions. Did you miss that train? How did that go? That train might have left the station, but you were right there. You were right there to get on that. That train took off from the station for sure. You were close.
I forgot you actually might have. I've seen pictures with you. Yo, what's the look you gave me?
No, good for you.
I've been relieved. Turns out no one was there. Everybody I've asked says, no, I was not there.
It's like, how do you know? Wasn't Denzel saying that? Yeah. Denzel was like, no, I got out of there.
Denzel, yeah, that would fuck you up. You're on Ecstasy at a Diddy party. Fuck. Denzel Washington comes up and whispers a quote. Training days, you? Training days, you? Oh, shit. These guys are sick, man. Seriously.
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Nah, you're the man.
What a cool story you just told us. What a cool story you told us, man. You the man, bro. Make sure you edit that out.
That's neither here nor there. That's fun. I know nothing about that. Scooping balls is fun. That's guys having fun. I agree. Diddy might have liked horseplay. And sometimes people take that the wrong way.
girl this probably isn't good yeah no yeah now we're back we had to scratch all this no it's fun stuff huh no it's good it's fun so we definitely think this is fun stuff it's fun stuff you'll be all right there are serious allegations against him but yeah i would never yeah he's he's a innocent till proven guilty in my book so we'll see what happens
You're being a little sweetie on the show.
You're being a sweetheart. Yeah, what's the difference?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a completely different topic. All right, so it's you and a ton of women in the house. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.
No handjobs in the sauce.
That's pretty sick, actually. You kiss?
What was his name?
You going every episode at once?
This episode will get taken down, but we could just air this part. Just certain parts. We could have like a three minute podcast of us going, when's it out? Great. That's a three minute five. Are you going to do it like all the episodes at once or are you going to do it weekly?
Every few days?
That's crazy.
Yeah.
That happens. What's next? What's next on the duck?
Thank you. Thank you.
I didn't notice that.
No, for real. He has like a mustache and a crew cut and a helmet and glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People didn't know it was him. Nah, that's dope, man.
I think you've done a good job. I don't think you've said anything wrong. Matt, on the other hand, you have some explaining to do.
He's fucked, man.
Good shifting, though. Good shifting. I thought my drone show was going to be a topic for a while. No one gives a fuck.
I got to see it. I was so excited.
Could be.
They do have different smells. I'm glad you said different instead of bad. It's not all the same. Yeah. Although this particular house does smell bad. Do y'all have dogs? Y'all got dogs? No dogs. That's just whites.
How many people have y'all had on the podcast? Not that many.
Yeah, it's kind of fucked up. And I keep trying to get it fixed, and for some reason, plumbers don't believe me. I go, bro, I swear to God, the house smells like shit. And then it never smells.
No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't at all. You did. You said you didn't know white people smell like dogs.
God. Damn. How long were you guys in there for? Hopefully forever.
So you're doing the, this is the white part of your press tour and you're going to come in and say we stink like dogs?
Does your mic smell like a wet dog? I can't smell it. Mine doesn't smell like it. That's why I smell it. Fox can't smell his own hole. Smell his. Smell his. Let's trade. Oh, yeah, this one does smell a little.
A full week we were in there. A lot of Muslims have killed themselves for that exact scenario. Are you really? Yeah, it's 72, but yes.
The what? Oh, the blue one's supposed to be for the... Oh, you got the butt mic. We record farts on this podcast and we fart into... If somebody has to fart... He's kidding, he's kidding. I would never do that to you.
That would be real. Don't give him the butt mic. You would have every reason to be very, very upset. That would be so disrespectful.
No, it is. It's pretty fucking funny. I just watched the one where the kid was like, my dad's the president of the NAACP.
He's like, well, that's not true. Your dad lied to you.
And then he was just like, all right, I'm done with that. And then here comes a tragic story. Yeah, there's more trauma.
That's what he did. That was like for real, the guy's audition.
He was the man. Yeah, yeah. You could tell he was a good guy.
Are there any little people on the show this year?
Yeah.
I was going to say, typically.
They're running around. Ha! Yeah, they're around. Yeah, they're around. I've never seen more midgets than when I put on anything with you. There's always a midget.
It's good.
They are an ancient part of it.
Honestly, that's not far off, yeah. Yeah, I swear to God. I was in a museum, and they would just paint them. Yeah. Yeah, because courts, like a royal court would hire you to paint.
Paint them. Paint the midgets. Yeah, but imagine you're a barber.
I bet, dude. They're strong as shit.
Yeah, of course. I think that's what's so nice about it is you treat them like regular people. You make fun of them, it's great.
I get it. Trust me, I get it. I don't know who you're lying to right now. I've watched the show. I've watched the fuck out of the show. Every time you say something, I go, God.
Now, do you get them an Uber home or do you fire them out of a giant cannon?
Oh, hell no. You cannot let that happen.
We're just joking.
I'm like, did we fuck up yet? No, you support the studs. Yeah, nah. No, that is pretty. By the way, fuck you. I watch your stuff.
No, I'm not. Not yet.
I had a tiny sip of water.
That'd be dope, yeah. That'd be dope, yeah.
I think we've done it. Yeah, damn right.
Oh shit.
Oh, okay. Sorry about that. Dude, thank you so much. Yeah, thanks a lot, man. And honestly, if you guys think of anything that you want edited out, we will.
We watch the auditions here. We usually, before we film or after, we're fans. We toss on the auditions. Yeah, so what is the show again?
I definitely was going to have a talk with y'all.
Thanks for joining us.
For sure. Yeah, yeah. That would be awesome, man. Yeah. What happened to La Mer?
He got disabled. He's headed back to his.
This is my house.
Yeah, LeMary used to live here. Who? He just moved out. The guy that just went back to his office. Back to the beach laboratory, dude. That's where he used to.
No, we just had to clear it out. He was jacking off back there. I was in Philly for the last five, six months.
He made it his gaming room. And then lied to me about jacking off in there. He said he didn't jack off. He said once. Just once, dude. That's like when a cat pees in the basement. It's going to pee again. He cracked a seal on that room. There's no way you were getting hard in there and walking back in there. You're not walking outside.
You'd probably swim across the pool.
Yeah, no taxes.
Taxes.
Why here? They don't have comedy clubs. Like here. Here you can do comedy every night of the week. Okay, okay. Versus like Tennessee and Florida. Yeah, Tennessee. Nashville could get it. They could have that. Why don't you open your own? I don't know. Maybe. But I don't know. I'm not going to build a comedy club. Somebody else.
I think I will. Nice crib. Thank you. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, this is all I need. I'm never here.
Yeah.
You're not wearing that type of bullshit. Fucking holes in my sweatpants.
You guys are going to be wearing Kahurus in about 10 years. Yeah, but I'm saying...
Women?
It's like $500 a week. That's good, though, man.
No, I should wear nicer clothes.
A lot of times, yeah. But you're not just doing it on leisure. Yeah, it's usually with the gig, with the show, that's in the contract.
Yeah. Okay, so you like doing it? I do like doing it. All right, so yours is kind of like.
Getting to and from the show. Yeah. That's it. That's it.
Not anymore. Those days are gone. That was your thing? No, I never really did that.
Drewski, are you going to shut the fuck up right now?
What are you doing? Yo.
Nah. Yeah, yeah. Naked girls dancing? No. I hate it.
You want to know something wild? Yeah. I saw a fucking drone last night.
Yeah, one of the drones.
You hear about the drones? Yeah. No, I haven't heard about it. You didn't hear about the drones in New Jersey? No. That's crazy. You're just hearing about this?
Everything. Shade Room?
where did y'all where was that right here i saw it outside there was a drone like a real big fucking huge drone for like an hour it was flying and they would come around it was doing the same lap over and over you might have actually been there might have been someone just watching you just like oh it was a it was a real big fucking drone and it was far like it was high do you feel like um do you believe in all the alien shit
No, I just don't think anyone knows what the drones are. I mean, if you've never heard of this story, I probably sound like a fucking maniac. No, I've heard of drones, like the fucking camera drone thing. Yeah, but there's drones right now that people, no one knows what they are. And the government won't tell us what they are. What? And they're like SUV-sized drones.
In the air.
No, it kind of looks almost like a plane, but it's got lights everywhere. I'll show you. Damn, it's tricked out.
It's got the ground effects.
I mean, it's not that exciting, but there it is last night. It's far away. You got raw footage? Yeah.
No, it's not. I knew this was going to happen.
I was afraid to tell you guys. I'm literally looking at it. This is a plane with red lights on. This might have been an emergency plane. Trust me, daddy.
It was literally just doing circles for as long as I was out there. What the fuck? You'd see it every like 20 minutes.
No, people are... Senators are literally asking the government to tell us what it is and they won't.
The first video is very good.
Filming it never does it justice. I saw it live. Why does nobody have good HD footage of shit? I don't know. I tried to film it, and it just got blurry.
Yeah, my girlfriend was making fun of me for being old because I couldn't film it. That's good UFO footage. You fucking film it. I can't film it. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just the conventional healthy way. Yeah, like the newfound fame. You know what I mean?
I wish, oh, O'Connor was there. He can vouch for me. For the UAP? I can't have girl vouch. Yeah. You know what I mean? For what? To see a UFO, you can't have a woman be like, yeah, we saw it. No one's going to trust her. Because they believe everything? No one's going to believe the woman, but I do have, O'Connor was there too. You can't have a female. You need two male witnesses.
Also, Ontario, California, huge weekend, June 26th to the 28th. I will be taping my special at the Ontario Improv. Oh, boy. Coming up, so please come to that. It'll be a lot of fun. It's going to be Thursday through Saturday. Fuck yeah. It's live taping.
All right. I just pray the disrespect stops. I was like... I was sitting there the other day. I was kind of high, and I was just thinking about all the evil against me. It's not a lot, but if you really zoom out, there probably is at any given time just people spewing evil just about your name and likeness. All the time. It hit me, the overwhelming scale, and it was just kind of like...
So I think it was you. She's like, I'm just saying. And I was like, okay. She's like, you're not in here. So the only thing I could think of is that I had Gardini's and my boarding pass on my phone. Maybe I beeped Gardini's, but that's her. If I beeped the wrong one, that's on her. So I'm like, look, whatever. We go into the lounge, and I'm like, this wasn't sitting right with me.
I just had to make peace with it. I was like, I wish them all well. Anyone who wishes evil against me, mostly airline attendants. I wish them well. I had to just, I was like, I wish them well, even though they're speaking evil on my name.
Fucking piece of shit. Just five minutes of people making faces at each other. Like not even talking. Fucking. Yeah. Great. You'd be sick to bug that thing.
Oh, it crashed?
That was the Mexican Navy? Yeah.
Was that an incursion?
Is there a belly room? Is there like a belly room underneath it of just 50,000 weed whacker motors?
What were they coming into? They're like pirates. Their booties are just jobs. Arr! Arr! Arr! The sight's up ahead, matey. Grab your brooms! Grab your wheelbarrows, mateys. Oh, crap.
They were fit to plunder.
You're just in your house with your wife. You're like, get back. I got to protect my gerb. Go for my gerbs.
And I was like, lady, I wasn't trying to be a dick, but you do realize you kind of accused me of lying to my face in front of my friends.
Was that the Golden Dome Trump was talking about? The Brooklyn bridge?
He's calling it the Golden Dome.
That's... Yeah, that's all. That's what we need right now. We need domes.
There's a lady and a, and they're all, they're like official sailors in the Mexican Navy?
no her name is for real america yeah all right p that's fucked i bet not to be rude at this point objectify somebody who died but she sounds hot yeah you i if i were if i were a high up in the mexican navy i would name my hottest daughter america for sure yeah yeah that's again dang that sucks true you're here like hey man let me see your like dude my name's i'm literally america my name's actually that means she could have been captain america
That's crazy. I just saw like a quick glance at that bridge, that thing cracking in the bridge.
Yeah, probably lanyards going on. Damn.
You undermined me in front of my openers.
Yeah, drop the anchors.
Next thing I know, they'll be doing an extra five. They'll be doing 30.
Their arms wide open. That's the Mexican constitution. It's just the OSHA 30, man. Dude, that is fucking wild. Dude, a helicopter crashed into Hoss's backyard. Yeah, dude, a helicopter. He sent me a picture. Crash landed in his backyard. I think they survived. But imagine, of all places, a crash in a horse's backyard.
Oh, dude, just hammering you. He was probably running around. Hammering you with quite. What the hell are you guys doing out here? You wake up, you're like, oh, what the fuck?
He'd be like, who is that?
Yeah, crashing into Hoss's world is so funny, man. Yeah, I don't know what the hell's going on.
They'll be walking all over my fucking bits and tags.
You can't drive? What the hell's going on? Pussy? You're like, no. Yeah, man. I don't know what's going on, people. Is it the smartphones, dude? You think it's the 5G taking down the... Or just the distraction. Or again, it's like there's the thing like this always happens. But but also like because they say like when things happen, the media starts to focus on them.
But it's also like, dude, that's two crashes in just the northeast Philly or whatever. No, he doesn't live in northeast Philly. He lives out there. But there was one in northeast Philly in the Philly area. Yeah. There's been two crashes. It's like I've never heard of that. Man.
It was a rocket. The hell's going on? Yeah, I mean, every year I'm hopeful. I go, please, man.
Apparently, Asian pilots have a big problem. I was actually when I when I. No, no, I swear to God, because of the like honor culture. When you were gone, I did and I like just did one of those zooms with a bunch of bros and there's a guy in air traffic control. It's pretty sick. He zoomed in from air traffic and in the tower. He was in the tower. That's not good. No, he said he said and he did.
He's like zero nine. Roger is a guy's got any. Jesus Christ. But Jesus Christ. But he was saying that there's a problem with the honor codes among Asian pilots.
Yeah, there's an epidemic of just single anime beats.
I don't know, dude. They stab themselves in the bellies, dude.
Yeah, but that's the... These are young Asians. You're thinking cool, hip, young Asians with sunglasses being like, oh, yeah, whatever.
Yeah, but then he has to undergo tests that like, you know, it's all about tests. I think the big test is the plane going down.
You got to go super cyan to tell the older.
Oh, I said it. Yeah, I'm telling you. I used to witness it when I worked in the Korean beer distributor. The guy would like... Bro, I'm not lying. He was the boss of the whole place. He owned it. And he would put his feet up on one of those little plug-in radiators. And I watched him knock a cup on the floor. And another younger guy came and picked it up. He just went like that.
And I was like, damn. Didn't say a word. Just like... I think you could do that here. You think I could lure it out? I think knock one of those cups over. K-ball. I could... Now you have his little split thing.
Who does he think I am?
Two more years of this Spotify money and I will be Lord.
Did you say if his apartment had any freak-offs?
Okay. There's no way.
oh no his thought bubbles coming out of his head yeah that's pretty wild because yeah they're like that's the defense i guess they're hitting her with like and you fucked this guy too right she's like uh yes i did the problem is there's so many texts of her like
Apparently. Allegedly. I have no idea. Yeah. No, there was. Yeah. That's the whole case being like, bro. The problem was he lied about hitting her, and that video of him beating her came out. Which, again, if you're in Diddy's defense, you go, okay, he hit his wife. Sorry. Like, let's press charges on that. But not sex trafficking. But, yeah, the texts are damning. Yeah.
But I saw there was a thing from his former assistant. That stated like, you know, he got in there and they were like, bro, we're this is his kingdom. We're here to serve. And then it like kind of jumped to the fact that there's a video of him dancing around like a fool on Molly. He said he was in there like, were you partying? He goes, I was drunk off the Ciroc. I had taken Molly.
Don't name your brand. I was Diddy Flip. He literally goes Diddy Bopping. He goes, I was Diddy Bopping. And he literally in front of the judge under oath goes, yeah, I was vibing.
he was vibing at the fo but he goes you kind of like i don't know if he was trying to paint the picture like he was kind of forced on you to like party down like that which is like you could have just said no yeah he was like i kind of had to vibe in order to keep the job so that that's not it's kind of it's kind of starting to look like from my perspective that everyone was having a great time at these ditty parties
Which I've said all along. I'm like, look, there might have been evil, evil stuff going on, but I do think people were partying down. It's, you know, it's a giant drug-fueled orgy. Yeah, they were talking about like four-day sex parties. Yeah.
I don't think so. This blows. It's so much. Yeah. No, this is like when you need stimulants and electrolytes.
I'm about to freak off right now.
Did you get the electrolytes going?
Swabbing the deck.
Yeah, that trial, I guess that's going to fall apart, I guess, you know, if you get the texts. Because again, the sex trafficking has to be... They have no idea. You have to be tricking them into taking them.
Yeah, but it's also like, yeah, it's definitely broadened.
You're in the gray area. If you say, hey, let's just sit here. You want to chill and watch a movie? Do you want to watch me play Xbox for a weekend?
Yeah, it's pretty wild, man. But, yeah, I don't know. The thing is, if he gets off, like say his defense, they rally, they get him off. He's going to have to team up with the A if he gets off. That's exactly what I was saying.
There's no choice. He's going to have to become a Nazi.
Same thing, dude. I was hot. I had to go back up to the lady and be like, dude, that was kind of weird you did that to me. I just want to let you know that was crazy. I'm not asking for preferential treatment in here, but I'm like, don't do that. That was nuts. And I was like, and you scanned me in. She's like, I don't remember that. It's like, that's not my fucking problem.
The whites and the Mexicans ride together. Yes. So he could unite the factions. I mean, again, you know, people keep acting like that's genuinely a summer banger. It's like it's not a summer banger. Let's be real.
Do you think that's the summer? I mean, again, I'm not putting you in the hot seat.
I didn't know that was all quiet in the Western Front.
Stop doing this to me.
I could feel it. I mean, yeah, he could. He's got something else up his sleeve. Because that's obviously my thing is like... You know how it just came up right away on my... Yes.
That's the thing. What I'm saying is... It's pretty easy to find.
My thing is if he dropped one that you can actually play somewhere, that would have been... I think kind of devastating. Obviously, you know, he got, he, he got his message. But I'm saying for more, I mean, I don't know why I'm even saying like he needs him. He needs to come out with a more broadly popular. I think he's over that. I think he's been there, done that.
Now he's kind of more in a niche.
You see the dudes in the wolf costumes? They're down, bro. I mean, for sure. Those guys are all about it. I know. It's crazy. That's a weird casting call. It's like, bros, let's go. Because his casting call was... Yeah. I think he said, man blacker than LeBron, minimum. Which is such a funny... I don't know if it was that exactly, but... Oh, that wasn't AI.
That's been a silent battle for a while.
So then we had a... Was this a white woman? Yeah. Yeah.
Our Uber driver was blasting it.
Our Uber driver was just blasting Kanye. So he was, you know, he's not off him. I'm still listening to Kanye. Yeah, his songs are great, yeah. Yeah. His songs are great. They were, yeah, it was a nice little playlist he had going on.
Yeah. It was fun showing my wife. I was like, check this out. She just got to be like, what the fuck?
i was gonna say yeah man it was a wall yeah if you were confronting a black woman like this i would have been bro i would have said hats off i've been trained to the trenches i know that i pull no punches i know you're out the month i'll pull no i did that one time back in philly in an old apartment and the lady spazzed on me and stuff she spazzed on me and i was just fucking the last sam i was the one dude i was just kind of like you have no idea lady
So wait, is he a billionaire or not? He keeps saying he's a billionaire. Then I hear he just doesn't even have, he can't even have a bank account. That would be tough to.
Yeah, you can't do that. We've got to pass a law where you can't do that. You can't take everything from someone? Yeah, you can't just take their bank account. Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, Kalen threw a shot, man.
Nah. Well, she was... It looked like she was attacking. She was, like, doing a hard fail against Kayla Clark's teammate.
And then Clark was, like, kind of broke in, like, get off her.
It was a pretty... It's also, it's girls' basketball. Yeah. It was a hard fail.
What are we doing here, guys? Y'all getting about girls' basketball? Guys, what are we even doing here right now? Let's go look at some trucks. Some big boy toys. We could look at big boy toys. We could be looking at big boy toys. We're bickering. But yeah, that's... I mean, it's kind of nice that... Were you guys excited at all to see Angela Reese beating up on... What's her name? Angel.
Oh, my bad. Angel Reese beating up on Kaitlyn Clark. Be honest. When you saw it, did that stoke any tribalism? No.
Not you, dude. What do you mean?
Oh, yeah. I thought I saw that.
You are the COO, dude. Chief Operations Officer.
Yeah, I saw that go. What else is going on? Is there any controversy? The sports world is quiet now. It was all Shadur Sanders.
What were they fighting about?
Dude, I can absorb a black spaz like none other, dude.
No one in the room can talk WNBA other than Matt. Just me. Did you see the clip of Cameron and Mace talking about Paul Pierce's remarks about why NBA players tend to date white women? No, what was it? Dude, it was the first two and a half minutes. Mace was, I guess, remote, zooming in from an Airbnb. I forget the other guy's name. I don't know who he was. I believe he was a basketball player.
they both have, well, they both have black wives. And so when they're asking about like, what do you think about that? They both laughed and neither of them would talk. And he's like, well... And they kept like, go ahead and take this. And then Cameron kept it real as hell. He goes, you motherfuckers are proving the point, dude. You got the pit boss leaning right over you.
But from the get-go, we get to the Austin airport. We're early. I say, hey, let's be a nice treat. I'll take Sean and Egan. Brought the Eganism with me. I was like, we'll take Sean and Egan up to the American Airlines little club lounge. Treat them. Two free guest passes. I'm like, what a great way to start the day. I go in early. I was there. I'm just kind of writing on my laptop. Sean texts me.
And Cameron started talking about how he loves using it to his advantage with white women. Like, you did hold my people down. Go get me a fucking sandwich, bitch. It was funny just watching them giggle for two minutes. They're the funniest dudes ever. They're unbelievable. They're unmatched. Yeah, we got to get them on the pod. They're so good.
But yeah, it was just Mace in the kitchen just kind of like, oh, it's pretty complicated. He goes, I can't talk right now. It was unbelievable. But that's a big thing that pops up. There's a lot of black dudes that are... They just go online and they're just like, this is why we date white. And they love just bashing queens, dude.
It was undeniably funny. Yeah, it was very fun. It was very fun to watch them just kind of dancing around in Airbnb just being like...
yeah you go ahead and take it now you go and he goes look man i'm i've been happily married i don't know about this but you know it's really funny but it is a hot issue man it sucks it my thing is like it sucks you can't like just to have like some you know smut like put towards your way for having a white wife that's you know that hurts my heart it's crazy you guys need to work on that
I just sat on the steps and I was like, oh yeah, oh yeah. The realtor that I had worked for that lady.
Playing in the snow. Shannon Sharp fucking... Shannon the Sharp got fucking frostbite.
Yeah, free all the black guys out of court.
Goddamn, free all the black guys for getting some pussy for once.
You can't hire a bunch of male prostitutes on a train ride to lick it all up at your party?
Did anyone even check if any of these were his birthday party? What if it was his birthday weekend?
Also, as a male prostitute, most of your day is like blowing gay guys. You get the call, you go, Jesus Christ, thank God. I've been swabbing the deck all day.
dang that what a battle in court just the most like harrowing sexual experiences just coming to light you go haha got her oh shit i remember that fuck just back and forth for the whole country stuff yeah it's a fucking nightmare it's genuinely a nightmare it could be why epstein killed himself
Dude, that one clip of the egg shape, that was a brutal clip.
Egg-shaped dong was brutal. You know what? I'm done with this shit. We can talk about me being a child sex predator all you like. Don't talk about my egg-shaped penis. Leave my egg out of this. That's it. That's it.
Hello, how are you? Hello, everybody. So, is people causing you some guff? Trying not to cry, bro. I got literally, Gardini witnessed it from the start of the weekend. And the shows were fun. I was in Ball Sacramento and LGBTaddle. Ball Sacramento. I was in Ball Sacramento and LGBTaddle. Those are two good ones. They were great. The show's phenomenal.
I've had enough. You've put enough on my name today. You've crossed the line. Yeah, man. It's like... It's crazy. We're living under, like, a genuine surveillance state anymore. It's just, like, not saying you should have giant freak-offs and, you know, drug ladies, allegedly. But it's, like... Yeah. You know, you really can't let your hair down anymore, man. Keep it buttoned up.
We're living under a giant panopticon. You should be able to have fun. I mean... You should be able to fly under the radar. Let's say that now. Yeah. Although I always assumed that's kind of what every celebrity was doing when I was younger. I just imagine you're in a mansion full of naked women doing drugs. It's kind of what I thought when they're like, did you get this? It's like, yeah.
You're not supposed to be in here. We're not supposed to have a giant hole in our basement floor. So what's happening? That was the best. When our dishwasher was moldy and I was like, yo, we have mold in our dishwasher. She came in and she was like, I think we might have different definitions of what moldy is. I was like, there's mold on the dishwasher. You're spraying bleach on it.
That's what I thought.
That was, that was like, they were saying this 15 years ago.
It's gotta feel good. Just to be like, yep, wasn't there. Yes.
True. I'd be just a young sapling in the fucking redwoods. Yeah. Like, guys, I'm out of here.
What kind of party is this? That'd be so funny to have to go. You're the star witness. You're like, what happened? Be like, I went there and I just got jerked off by a guy.
And that's when my butt plug fell out.
I doubled back for my vibrating raccoon tail butt plug.
That's crazy. Tony, they have, like, you need, like, IVs and shit. You need, like, IVs. Yeah, it's insane. Not eating. You're, like, laying there. The next morning, you're eating.
I don't know a single person who's ever... That's just movies where they're eating a turkey leg and having sex.
Sex eating? Yeah. That's wild.
Usher's Bowl of Cherries? That's my favorite footage. Of Usher allegedly destroying marriages. Do you ever see those cherries? Yeah. Just... It's evil. Bro, but they're... Cherries is weird because when he holds them up, they look like a little boy's testicles. And there's just a 40-year-old lady like... Just swirling them around.
Yeah, that's... It's kind of, you know... It's not really a responsible behavior. No. Dude, imagine seeing your babe. Did you see some of that footage? Dude, they're like eyes closed, like grunting. It's like, what the fuck, man? Like, I get it.
What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Did the Lump Man hook us up with a fridge? Yeah, Lump connected the fridge. That was nice. Yeah, that was pretty sick. But yeah, so then I get on the plane, and I've been doing a thing on the plane where I get on, and they're seating the whole plane, so I bust my tray out. Again, just getting some writing done, just working.
It's Usher, dude. It's Usher.
It's public record.
That's why he uses the bowl of cherries. Yeah, allegedly, by the way. Allegedly. There's a guy who claims Usher gave him her piece through gay sex. What is going on with these fellas?
He's just faded. I saw some of that, too, and he's just kind of... He's off the hill. Yeah, he's off the hill. He's just standing in his room kind of like with his hat like this, just kind of like rapping to himself kind of high.
I just think he's crunk right now. I mean, I'd be getting crunk if everyone was like, are you okay? And you're like, well, what? The whole Diddy thing? Get the fuck out of my face. I'm getting crunk right now.
Yeah, nothing would crush my vibe. You go, what the fuck? I thought we were having a good time. You're at the club, just having a good time. Just the IG live.
He does rule. I thought about it. I saw some thing trying to say, like, he lost all of his money and this and that. I'm like, dude, Biebs is a legend. He's killed it for so long. We support Biebs here. Full support of Biebers. We support the Biebs. Yeah, boy. But, yeah, I was a little sensitive in my hotel room. I was going, I saw that clip, like, he lost all of his money.
And I was like, leave the man alone. I bet he didn't. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I'm like, dude, it's almost impossible.
Yeah, he's all right then. Yeah, $200 million. They're like, he lost all of his money. Now he only has $200 million. It's like, it'll be all right. He's got enough to get crunk on IG Live. He's good. Yeah, if you have $200 million, you're going to get crunk on IG Live.
Does he... I don't know if this is true. Does he live in an underground cave in Hawaii?
I think he bought an island. Zuck might have a tunnel, dude.
Look that up, because I did see some sort of diagram. I didn't watch it.
And then, I think this might have been on the second flight, but this guy, just this, like, you know, big gay guy from the sky kingdom of gay guys in the air. And he just, like... Who's he? The stewardess? Steward, yeah. Steward-o. The steward. Steward.
It does. Dang, that's crazy.
Tunnels. That would be sick, though, just arguing with your wife and just retiring to the bunker.
Just go like 40 fucking 400 feet underground. Yeah.
Yeah, I just like to do it.
funniest fucking thing i've ever seen god that would ruin my day if i was jewish just like eating breakfast reading the newspaper and i just saw that a jewish guy got caught and it wasn't like it was like yeah and it had to be like the like capital j jewish guys with the fucking the dew I'd be like, dude, I'd call a meeting. I'd be like, guys, we got to hit the GOG and figure this out.
This is bullshit.
We got to hit the GOG. Everyone get to the tunnels to the GOG.
We changed the title as well. The title must have been nuts. Do you know what the title was? I remember it. No. It was Charlottesville. And I had to change it. Charlottesville. I had to change it. I remember that. I forget what I changed it to.
The job steward.
damn i said a lot of crazy shit last night i didn't know they're gonna do this today exactly that's the fucked up nothing we could do about it we didn't know that's what happened to me when i was in grade school i wrote like oh yeah i copy and pasted some sort of rap lyrics about shooting someone the next day columbine happened i was like shit yeah goddamn reporting kicked off aol
Getting kicked off AOL was bull.
Imagine no messenger after school.
Yes. And he... Dude, literally, I'm, like, completely absorbed.
I don't think the person can get in trouble for this, but I knew someone who had... Who found one of his teacher's AOL screen names and just anonymously for a year just... Bot like very viciously attack this guy online. Nobody. I was surprised his classmates knew and they didn't. Nobody snitched. He got pulled into the disciplinarians office. I was like right away. It was crazy.
He got like grilled and he was just like and through the the name was. Oh, my God. What was the name? Silver Thunder 6420 69.
Yeah, it was a screen name. Silver Thunder, and it was just his screen name.
I think it was Silver Thunder. Remember that, like, malt liquor, Silver Thunder? No. It was just Silver Thunder 420. Just having that guy calling you Fs and Bs on the internet. And the dude would be like, who is this? What's up, F? What's up, B? What's up, B?
somehow it got hotter dude he goes we're waiting on you i'm like what i snap out of working i'm like oh shit my bad dude and i like shut my laptop and i was just kind of like the fuck is going on today why is everyone shitting on me and then we land we get to ball sacramento we land and dude we're outside the hotel and this actually made me laugh but a lady comes up homeless lady walks by and goes move it or lose it i
Did you have any teachers in high school that had zero control of the class?
That was the best, dude.
Yeah. Every now and again, you'd hit the jackpot in high school and your teacher would be like a totally autistic nerd. Like, we can do whatever we want here. We had one guy who was just, every time he turned around, like five kids would go, his name was Mr. Horn. Everyone would go, Horn! Knock it off.
It's like, what the fuck?
Oh, that's so fucking funny. The Ave Maria used to genuinely fuck me up when I was little. I'd be like, just being a monster in church, just checking out babes, just fucking around with my brothers, and they'd hit the Ave Maria, and I'd be like, God, this is so fucking beautiful.
The Cantor. The Cantor would belt out. We had that. We literally had an organ lady who would crush cigs between...
Yeah, that was sick, dude, when the toys, when you're like, we're finally leaving.
And then the priest, it was like, people start leaving. I look at my mom, like, she'd be like, not until the priest goes by. And I'm like, fuck.
I think I made that up. It's not the annex. I know what you're talking about, that little area outside.
I was like, what the fuck? And then she did start laughing.
What the hell was that called? I blank on that terminology all the time. I'm always kind of like... What the... The narthex.
The narthex is such a crazy...
It's you guys rattling around. Yeah, you have to go shake his hand.
You are a bad boy. We had a guy who was, when he wasn't doing masks, he would chill in the Narthex and catch the early defectors and be like, what's the rush? And you'd have to just walk by him like, shit.
She could feel the... Yeah, she turned around and flashed just such a sweet smile. That's funny. And I was like, dang lady, that was kind of funny. And then there was an older lady in like a mobility chair. I was telling Sean, I was like, I might hit her with a move it or lose it.
Shut the fuck up right now. I would see my brother go. He would come back and be like, can I go to the bathroom? He's like, you guys should have waited for me to come. I would be real quick. I would literally just walk around.
I would see the family standing because they didn't get a seat. I'd be like, that's so sick. I want to stand so bad. I wish I was standing in the back.
It'd be me and my brothers, and you'd get separated out.
Oh, it sucked so bad. It was nice, though, when another one... I'd have another one of my brothers get picked off, and you'd somehow get back together. You'd be like, it's on.
I would kneel down and go like this and just slap my balls against my leg the whole time.
For absolute sure. I used to get so bored that the priest, it would literally, my vision would go into black and white. I vividly remember staring and just going into black and white and just being like. Yeah.
Drop the kneeler quietly. Yeah, Catholic Church fucking ruled, bro. Put it down with your hand, you fucking jackass.
It's a hard step down.
Yeah. Embarrassing. I never got to.
It was... In a 24-hour period, I've never sustained just not – it was nonstop disrespect. I can't think of – I don't know if there's anything else.
First Friday mass, just belting out with your boys.
The teacher would look and just be like.
You don't know how I sing.
Why would you say that to me?
That's the funniest request ever.
Yeah, some people are like, let's do middle fingers in the picture. I'm like, can we not, man? I know. Middle fingers. Yeah.
He's like, You know, he texts me, like, hey, we're outside. I'm like, okay, Sean's outside.
They're just kind of, like, milling around by that front desk. And I'll be honest, I was, like, tightening a paragraph. So they were there for, like, maybe, like, how long were you guys there for? Like, a minute? Yeah, they were there for a second. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. I was just locked in. Sorry about that. Dopamine stack locked in. So... I go out to let them in.
I do have a... Really do. Yeah, it was crazy, man. That was pretty much it. The weekend was sick otherwise. The weekend was great. It was just nonstop mounting disrespect, just one after the other.
not the last lady the last lady had it was older lady with braces very sweet but all the stewards were just that's hot yeah i know was she hot in her own way yeah yeah i would say um she was she was kind of a she's a darling very nice too i even i was so just just so beaten down from the weekend i'm like doing my work before i was at plane loads and i like looked up at her one point i was like just let me know when you want me to close this i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to do you're fine sweetie so
Getting sexy for your fourth husband? Nice.
If I got attacked in court.
She'd go, Jesus Christ, can you turn the other way? The sun's bouncing off those things and blinding me. Put on your rubber bands and shut the hell up.
I told you about my dad. They tried to get him to get braces, and he was just like hell to the gnaw.
Good Lord. He couldn't even drive and not drive a pickup truck. He had a little Ford Fiesta.
nine million dollar truck he wants to buy it's his absolute achilles heel yeah he yearns for like doramax the most gigantic trucks imaginable it's crazy big trucks it's like a little fucking boy he is he loves a big truck he loves big big boy toys
He was, I had rented, what the hell did I have? I had some sort of wagon here, I think, when I was in Philly.
I'm like, Hey, these guys with me, I believe I have two free guest passes. And the lady goes, yeah, if you're a member at this lounge and I go, okay, no big deal. I go, but I am. And I, you know, I coming out of it, I scanned in, she didn't scan in with me. I'm like, and then the lady I scanned in with,
You've got to set up a trust for your fats. What do you mean? You got to set up a trust. What are they going to do when you're gone?
It's a bit of a splurge. I'm more of a civic man myself.
They've been surprising me.
Everyone's been saying the Celtics were the best, and, you know, I don't know.
The Knicks beat them. Exactly.
So, yeah, I'm like, what the heck? Yeah.
I think the OKC Thunder.
Yep. I think I've been hearing their, you know, they could win it all.
You know, I mean, yeah, I think about the Knicks a lot. I think the Knicks, that upset was huge.
Yeah, that's a good team.
Dang, that would be nice.
comes up and goes who'd you scan in with and i was like whoever was sitting where you are i think you yeah she's like i don't remember that and i'm like what do you guys think i'm lying like i can assure you i didn't sneak in here we didn't say that i'm like you kind of did and i was like anyway here's my thing but i definitely know i was like i even i beeped in and you went do you need help with anything else
Yeah. Ethiopia... They all had great music in the 70s. Ethiopia held it down. Held down the battle. Even when the WAPs came a-knocking recently. Really?
Now white haircuts are just either guys with those mustaches or go to the hair cuttery at Walmart. Yeah. Now we're talking a cut.
Ethiopian and Somalian are very distinct.
7-Eleven by our old house. Yeah. Ethiopian fellas. Great Ethiopians.
That was an Ethiopian guy.
I was like, bro, I've been to that 7-Eleven.
It was cool. Damn, have you ever met the black guy that opens the door? He's the man.
The Ethiopians were great. They were good. Ethiopians are also beautiful ladies.
Yeah, they would have done you better than the monkeys.
But they were getting... The clientele seemed to have the biggest attitude.
I ran into the clientele a lot.
Yeah, I will say American... Just drunk college kids and the locals. Yeah. I've witnessed... The locals and the drunk college kids. Everyone was disrespecting the... A lot of Mr. Disrespectfuls.
To me, like I was next in line and they kept going like. Successful lottery ticket?
It was just taking, I think there was a language barrier a little.
It was getting the opportunity. Yeah. I think it was redeeming tickets. I think the guy was maybe going too slow for the customers.
He wants his money and he wants it now.
Yeah, scratch-offs.
Yeah.
This thing's going to pay out fucking crazy if they win. It's a nice gift. That'd be, yeah, putting on like parlays for your... Yeah, I put together a nice parlay for you.
It might hit next year. We'll see. That's going to be cool. 50 bucks on it.
Yeah.
Do you know the Eurovision... You owe me... There's going to be... There's a big... Do you know what the Eurovision Song Contest is?
How would you pick?
What show is this? Eurovision Song Contest. We should be doing that in America. We should go state by state. They tried it once. They tried it once.
We've got to bring it back. We should do state by state everything. We should do a state fighting contest.
It was worse.
Yeah.
Yeah, this was one of Trump's first day playing. The America Olympics? Yeah, he's like, we're going to have football. He's like, every state. Remember he was talking about having an American fair? What, like state of origin? He was bringing that back, and he was like, in that, we're going to have the American Games.
We do that in Australia. It should be Steelers and Eagles. No, no. High school. Oh. It'd be like all-star teams from each state. It'd be the sickest thing ever, dude.
California, Texas versus Rhode Island and Connecticut. They're going to get the Ocon man out there.
Yeah.
Why are they covering up all these beautiful architectures with just bricks and shit?
I want to ask him. No, I don't. I don't know.
Yeah, you should get a mullet.
You lost me on the pitch. I did lose you on the pitch when I said the coach was fat. He was like, the coach is just a big, fat, ugly fucker. I didn't say that. And he was like, I want you to play him. I was like, oh, all right, you piece of shit. I'm not reading that.
Because this is big.
Now keep going because I like what happens in Japan.
Wimbledog runs into a PR disaster.
Oh, man. Well, James, the special's doing great. You got to feel good.
I didn't know it was about child. I didn't know the child porn happened. You shut it down. You shut it down. Okay, good.
Well, what happens to him with Wimbledog?
And you're funny. You're the Medici family.
You're saying, I need more art.
So I'll do another one.
Damn, you guys are overlapping a little.
It was football, soccer, probably a couple basketball ones.
Air Bud went to space?
Yeah.
Hold on. What's the...
I was devastated with the raw milk. Well, that was the conversation we had because he was like, I think it was the raw milk. And I was like, I don't know, I just got raw milk. Matt gave me raw milk and it was great. It was the most delicious milk. I sucked Matt's raw milk down and it felt great. But then he was like, no, I had like seven glasses. Yeah.
Yeah.
Missy?
Is it? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I loved the fuck out of that movie. It got me every time. It got me every time. I know. Shadow fell. I didn't see it coming every single time.
Are you sure you're not thinking of Milo and Otis? Oh, yeah. Milo and Otis.
That was the Korean or Japanese. Milo and Otis used to be my go-to. They killed a bunch of dogs to make Milo and Otis? It was a puppy, pug, and a kitten. You'd have to... And at one point they fight a bear. And apparently they were just tossing those things. There was no need to do that. For real? Yeah, they filmed it for real and they finally got it. I think the bear finally got full from pugs.
They also do that in... Did they really? In Milo Notice and they lost a couple cats in the river. Used to be able to kill animals in movies.
Apocalypse Now is nuts.
Big knives. Yeah.
didn't know it was a japanese movie it is i didn't know that either uh i've heard uh what's his name lewis talked about this it was very funny yeah lewis gomez was the first person i heard break this story uh yeah yeah they were tossing some dogs and they'd have to get a new replacement pug every time pugs luckily look pretty similar
Yeah.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
The regular milk will fucking do that too.
Tommy Pope had a pug, and it makes me laugh. It was huge. He showed me a picture of it. It was, like, a fucking 10-foot-long pug. It was laying flat on the porch with its arms and legs out. What the fuck? This is the biggest pug I've ever seen. He was like, oh, that's Bufferini Marie. His pug's name was Bufferini Marie. Was it a wiener dog mixed with a pug? No, it was just straight pug.
It was just a big one. What? I just love that it had a WAP name, Bufferini Marie. Think of it, Tommy Pope with a pug. Bufferini Marie. Bufferini.
It is so good.
Alright, hey, we're here live today and our guest today is Simple Jack.
You had some guys hitting dogs.
I've witnessed Phil punched. He fucking punched dogs. He punched them in the head. That dog was being bad. He hit Riggins. He popped Riggins. That was recently.
Good for him, though. Just keep going back. Right. True.
Phil installed a giant chain link fence in our basement. And we'd put Shaq in there and he would fucking break out. He would rip through the fence. He'll chew out. Yeah.
He said it would stand on the roof.
That's nice.
I focus almost entirely on the green flags.
Don't need no help there.
Sorry, better help you kick rocks. I can see tits for a mile away.
So wait, that helps suggesting that I squeeze my own tits while I jack off?
All right.
BetterHelp. They keep coming back.
I'll tell you what, man. I was goofing off and making fun of Vaya. They've won me over.
Yeah, let's just get fucking high as shit.
Now you're being funny and I'm back, Vaya.
I know you're going back. This is not enough for me to stay away from. I know you're going to go back to the beef bourguignon.
Blue was my favorite. Blue was great. Blue ripping the woodman's food right out of his hand was the craziest thing I've ever seen. We were just.
i know we've talked about it a bunch of times over here but whose dog was that was that tom tom yeah dog r.i.p as well the dog was awesome he was so yeah he literally just walked like say we're sitting here yeah our friend chris wood was sitting down eating like a tortilla he just he would get a bowl of meat and put in a tortilla and just sit there and yeah a dog slowly walked up to him and just went
the entire fucking thing out of his hand and then just walked away like it wasn't like it fucking grabbed it it literally just slowly walked up to him i've never seen anything like it It reminds me of O'Connor. We were just in Seattle. O'Connor, when we were in Vancouver once, he got so fucked up. The next day, he's hungover, and I forget what he got. He might have got a donut.
The seagulls are fucking huge out there. O'Connor was standing there, and a bird just took it.
I had a fry once where that happened. Just think of O'Connor being like...
Is anyone going to do anything about these fucking birds?
Yeah, me and him went out one night in Philly. I never told you this? No. And he got fucking hammered. He got shit-faced at dinner. And he got beef bourguignon. And then we got back to my apartment and he was fucking puking. He was like, Shine, don't follow me. I asked him not to record. He was like, don't record this. And I was like, I'm not.
That's a classic battle. That is a battle they've been battling for centuries. But he was up here.
I mean, we've all had that thought.
I like this bird talk.
You know what's funny? The time we went to see Scorpion King, me and my buddy had a creature storm at the beach. Did you really? Yeah, we did it with a bag of Doritos. Dude, how sick is it? It was great. It's the fucking best. Yeah, what are the odds?
And you are ruining everyone's day.
Now you control the storm. You control it, yeah.
You just run straight at them. Oh, right at them. I like watching the little guys that run with the tide. That's fun.
I just like to observe those guys.
I swear to God, like, there's something that happens where they just, the whole coop will just kill itself. Really? Yeah.
Yeah, they just start killing each other. What?
That's good.
What is the message there? This is mutual destruction.
Speaking of, O'Connor got me that painting there. And that's a nice Irish brigade at Antietam. Turns out the guy looks exactly like Tony Hinchcliffe. No, I was going to say he looks like... He kind of got ruined for me. You guys were like, he looks like Tony. You got a painting of Tony?
But the beef burger, in between, he vomits so loud. That is a problem that I do have. Then he goes, too much beef burger noise.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think he died right there. Did he really? Yeah. At Antietam. I could be wrong.
The Irish people would go. They came to America to learn how to fight so they could bring it back. What? To England, yeah.
And he was apparently a monster. That's pretty tight. Read about him. They're like, he was the best soldier ever. Really? He was just fearless. And then, you know, got the best of him when he was like, I'll stand right in front of everyone. Yeah. He got shot like 20 times. Oh, no. He was a horse, so he was like, I don't care. Come on, boys. Yeah. You can see it there. He's got some wounds.
Yeah, he's saying, fuck you, pussies.
No, that was... World War II. That was Barcelona. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. He's got a rest stop. Does he really? Yeah, in Jersey. That's awesome.
Yeah.
No, the movie.
He did. We have one of those. We have the Killdozer. I heard about the Killdozer. It's the same thing. He was like, you guys are going to take my land, and then he went into the warehouse and spent three years building a tank.
No, I've only seen the documentary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They had to bring in like a sniper, like a .50 caliber sniper to try to get some bullets in there. It was pretty great. Did he kill people? No, he was just driving through all his enemies' houses.
I think he got no fatalities. That's crazy. It was a bulldozer, so it was going slow as fuck, but no one could stop it. So he would go through someone's house and then be like, all right, I'm headed down to the fucking town hall. Everyone just had to be like a fucking asshole.
No.
They killed a bunch of kids. Oh, that's bad. There was a daycare there.
I try so hard to be silent. Yeah, at the very end of it, you can hear a little Australian.
Yeah, that was recently.
In an RV and he had speakers. And he was playing music and he was like, everybody get out.
What was his beef with AT&T? I think it was NSA. Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, if I was a little schizophrenic, and they're like, there's a terrifying tower there.
I've been taking it easy on the drinking all of a sudden. I'm like, I remember books. I love the Fountainhead. Fountainhead fucking rules.
Yeah, it's one of the best.
It's crazy. It's such a great book. That's crazy. I did not get that out of it. Really? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, it was her first big, big hit. I like it more than Atlas Shrugged.
Yeah, she hated communism.
Really?
I've never really taken a look at young Ayn Rand.
Bro, I'm Tony. She's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen. You're far right, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A couple of vodkas, potatoes. True. A couple of Ayn Rand's kicking around. You dig them up out of the dirt. You get this shit. Dig an eye out. You go, this is a tuna. Oh, fuck. It's a turnip. You go, never mind. It's an Ayn Rand. It's an Ayn.
That's kind of all I ever read was like classics.
I was just putting it out there, you know. That's crazy. Show people a little something crazy.
Norm's book, I got tricked by it. I read it way too long before I realized it was a joke.
Way too long. I was on like chapter three.
No, but I was like, yeah, I was ashamed at how long it took.
A lot of Adam Egan in there. It's great.
He's walking shirtless back to the bathroom. That's a bourguignon shuffle. That's a bourguignon shuffle. Like, leave me alone. Stop. You don't have to lock it.
It's just the perfect sentence.
I believe you, Nate. You are very, very horny. I think you like playing as a girl.
No. We were just playing UFC. You wanted to pick fucking female fighters.
I never read it. It's good. I think it bothered me.
Yeah.
I don't even know what it's about.
It's hell let loose. Yeah. And it was amazing. I can order Chipotle. Yeah.
I'm so envious that you have that. If I read a footnote, I'm like, I'm done with it. I got to read this sentence four times. I still can't understand it.
Yeah. In high school, yeah. I just finished it. I love it.
Brother. And it never did. We've talked about this. I read the entire book and somehow missed in the beginning that his dick didn't work. There's nothing. I was furious. At the end when they're in the car and they're like, oh, we could have been something. I love you so much. You're just like, why not? Fuck. What happened? You dumbass.
Yeah, he got his dick injured in World War I. His dick gets injured in the war. Yeah, I missed that part. And this is what I love.
I'm sorry.
I just read the other one. Farewell to Arms. Is it good?
No, it's great. Especially the first, the beginning when it's about before he gets hurt. It's great. The war scenes. It's awesome.
I'll leave you alone.
Yeah.
I mean, that's terrible advice. That was good. That's insane. I love it. It's awesome.
An all boys school teacher being like, all right, enough of that lesson. Women suck. You guys are about to find out. You got to learn how to fucking cry.
He does. We'll tag him up a little. We'll fucking end with a, touch me, cunt. Yeah, I went to Hemingway's house too. It's pretty sick. And when I was in Spain, I went on a nice Hemingway bar crawl. Now, have you been to the bullfighting? I didn't go to the bullfighting.
I don't think I would like it.
Yeah. And he just has to watch the love of his life just keep... Fuck other men and ruin them.
Brett. Isn't that her name?
We had wine and we went fishing.
Yeah.
I don't know. I don't think it ever really described... I imagine it like it was missing.
They don't go into detail, but there were scars. I think he lays down with a lady at one point.
Let's take this cum talk into the Patreon.
All right, nice. See you there.
I think it went, like, winos.
When you read, like, Bukowski's, like, I'm fucking in Skid Row with all the winos.
You guys are just drinking wine?
Franzia made it to me. You fucking get a box of that shit.
We might have a conclave at some point. Pope John Paul? No. Frankie. Francis. Oh, Pope Francis. He had bronchitis, they said, so he couldn't even talk. He was just up there like...
His fucking neck fat is... I mean, I'm not one to judge on that category, but goddamn. Yeah, he'd be getting the bargain. He's like... His neck fat is like... Like the dude from Mad Max? It's truly impressive.
I'm not making fun of him, but they did him dirty with this...
Washington Post was doing him dirty on this.
Sleepy.
He was the first guy to come out.
You were like, that's where I want to go.
Beef bourguignon. You got the bourguignon going.
No, is it any good?
Amelia Perez. I watched it. How was it? It's fucking terrible. It's one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen. It's about a Mexican trans? It's about a cartel leader that transitions. Nice. They quit the cartel and the way they're hiding is transitioning. But instantly the character becomes like a sympathetic character.
It's like, yeah, they were just beheading everyone. It's like, oh, they trans. You're like, oh, I love them. And it's a fucking musical. With not really good singing. It sounds great.
Yeah.
And then comes back. They think the family thing... Then he misses Doubtfire's the family. Nice. It truly does. He comes back to his family and he's like, it's me.
Yeah.
Which was clearly him.
No. We had that conversation. For real. While we were watching it, it was like, damn, this is what it must have been like. A little girl is holding, or he's holding a little girl as a woman now. And the little girl's like, I just miss my dad so much. I miss the way he smelled. I loved him. And Mrs. Doubtfire's like...
Did Bruce go the whole way? Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Bless you. Thank you.
Yeah. I don't think so. If they did not, you're exactly right. This is the ultimate. Yeah. It's the best move possible. You have tits. Just get some fucking jugs. Hold up. Sex change and all.
You're making me sick right now Why? Why are you talking about other people's genitals? They didn't push it on you I don't know if you've been to a public library That's all it is You probably still get that prostate going
Where's it go? You go, oh, beef, bacon, y'all.
Can they still hit the prostate on a... Right?
Mine might not break the surface. I've got a deep belly button and a tiny dome. That'd be perfect.
I might be able to hide it. You'd be on search. This would be my little secret. A little door in my shirt.
What are you doing? A little door. I go, ooh. Indian in the cupboard.
Oh, I guess maybe they're, yeah, because Indians.
The barbershop? It's a white thing.
everyone's last samurai all the Europeans that came here just kept losing yeah for 400 years yeah everyone's just like I'm going I'm gonna fucking get it this time I think the Ethiopians were the only ones nope one of us brother yeah the Ethiopians did it the Ethiopians survived they kept trying to take the Ethiopians they held on did they really and the Siamese managed to hold on
Damn, would you get in trouble if you smacked your wife's cheeks? Oh, it was on her.
Really? Yeah. Oh, man.
So you're dancing around the campfire to the violin music, and you're grabbing your wife's tush, and the entire village just turns on you and shreds you. They rip you apart. They would just be kind of like very, very lowbrow. You guys should be just there. Keep an eye on his crops.
If that's what he's getting up to around here, who knows what's going on.
What are you doing, Matt? Don't get me high and do this conversationally.
You're spitting me out because I recently, I got into like a high tailspin about not knowing anything about math. Welcome to my world. I don't know. Really? Now I'm fixated on learning something about it. I think I'm going to start with geometry. I started with an introduction to geometry video on YouTube.
It was a shaky start. Really?
I'm not looking for algebra. You're good at algebra.
I started this geometry video and I figured, here's what I was thinking. I'm going to click on this. They're going to go, Hey, welcome back to learning math as an adult. Yeah. I thought they were going to give me like maybe circle and square. They're going to go, all right, you know, circle and square. Let's start with like maybe the Pentagon, maybe trapezoid, maybe that kind of shape, bro.
They started with lines. I was like, Oh, I forgot all about lines. I forgot all about not shapes at all. I forgot about rays and segments.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And so, yeah, I'm really worried I'm going to fail this YouTube and math test.
I'm going to cram the night before. Stay up all night. What's the test? I haven't found the test yet. I have to take some sort of metric. Yeah, you got to take the test. I told Mary Jo about it, so she'll hold me to it. She's going to make sure I get math.
How long would you get grounded if you were to say something like, I don't know, ain't this about a bitch?
Really? Yeah. Why? I thought you were the math guy, though.
Yeah.
That's the whole summer indoors.
I think it's real. I don't know. I think the universe is just doing its thing, and we're putting graph paper on it and tracing it, and we look like fucking idiots.
But is the universe structured around that or is it something that we use because it's as close to as accurate as possible? to contextualize the universe around us. This is where quantum physics is.
Not that it makes a fucking difference for me, man. I don't even know what I'm saying.
I'm indifferent to it. I'd be okay with it, I guess. You want to randomly create a universe? Yeah.
I would love a loving creator. That's great. So you can't be indifferent. But even he could have like, this could be a Minecraft world for him where it's just like a different seed generator. You know what I mean?
It's the fun of the story. We probably were never supposed to worry about it. He's probably just like, why are they fucking monkeying around in the server room? Just fucking eat apples, dude. There's apples on trees.
Why are you doing that?
Is that a desirable outcome?
I'm still eating English muffins with butter and jelly and being very happy about it. That is nice. Careful, though. What's your guys' AC1? Do you have diabetes?
Honestly, I don't even believe in diabetes.
I guess it leads to like every it fucking destroys you. I guess I just feel like if you're a person that gets diabetes, then it's like you're already fucking everything else up anyway.
Yeah. You know?
Right. The arbitrary constraints that create great art, you know?
That's why we need European soda and candy. That's what we need. They're not getting diabetes like we are. That's true. They're ruining our snacks.
Oh, yeah. You're a big junk food guy.
I like it. I need to be controlled. I need my portions picked for me. 38% of people are pre-diabetic.
How much cereal at night were you eating? Not a lot.
Oh, yeah. CEO. Do you think it was him? I guess it was him, right?
I don't know. I'm worried about the eyebrows in the surveillance photo and the mugshot. I did see that. I don't know if those match up. That's why I'm holding off on having any kind of emotional reaction to it because I want to know if this is the real guy or not. If it's really him and they caught him, that's an interesting outcome. Yeah.
if the whole story is straight and they didn't make up a manifesto and plan it on them.
He only disappeared for a few months after getting into psychedelics, I guess. I'm basing this all just, like, tweets about him. For sure. That's all any of us have.
Oh, I saw that too. Did you see that? I saw that. It looks like it's written by a lady.
I thought that was like a Tristan Tate tweet.
Every time I like, I always shrug that stuff off. That's crazy because that might be the moments where I feel most respected.
Tristan Tate would tell you you're a fool right in your face. You're a fucking fool, dude. He's got a lot of money. I defer to you, man. You've got definitely something figured out. I don't know. He might go to jail for sex trafficking. That's the game you play, though. Trill. You got to put your money down if you want to get in. Yeah, either get a wife or sex traffic. That's the move.
What percentage of consensual sex do you think is trick?
He paints a big tunnel on the wall and she runs into it.
I was a bus safety. I think I was a bus safety. Sidney was tactically running with both arms behind his back. How big was your school bag at the time? Naruto blasted through it. You're a giant school bag kid running off the back of the bus. Damn. Isn't that like the opening scene of a Goofy movie? Isn't that what the son does? Does he skateboard off the back of a school bus?
It's your property, sir. I think they made some progress on that during the interview.
That's the universe. I've been seeing a healthy number of like, am I the asshole on Reddit? Or it's like, I accused my husband of sexual assault because he took me when I was blacked out or something.
No, not at all. You don't like their behavior?
It's ridiculous. You know what really sets me off is if I'm banging into something really loud, like I'll hit my head on a ceiling fan or something.
I have some low ceiling fans. That was a bad example. But I'll bonk, right? And then I get a really sick feeling in my stomach because I know she's going to, without coming to me, she's going to go, are you okay? And that makes me madder than anything else in my marriage. And so now the joke around the house is if I stub my toe or something, everyone takes a deep breath and goes, I'm fucking fine!
It's the worst. Are you okay? Shut the fuck up. My shit is throbbing right now.
I have very poor vision, an enormous head, and slightly above average height. It's a recipe for disaster.
Fuck off.
Am I okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
Yeah, I don't know if I ever used Neosporin before my wife started healing me.
Hey, it's good to see you.
The Goofy Goon Squad? I don't like those guys. They make you uncomfortable. They make me slightly uncomfortable. Goofy's, he's too about the bullshit. He's all about the bullshit. You're too structured.
Please, how do you play? Because I'm looking forward to the Pygmus spectacular.
He's going to let some fucking white boy fuck up his Christmas.
You can't handle Goofy. I can't handle Goofy.
Yeah, Chiefs-Steelers. I'm excited about that.
You know what, Matt? I don't know. I was going to say that. That was going to be my pick as well.
But it is Christmas. The boy might have to put on a show for us.
Although they haven't been able to protect him very well, and hopefully a healthy T.J. Watt gets home. I'm going to go less. You're going to go less? Patrick Mahomes passing yards. How about – 239. Do they have – what's his name's – Travis Kelsey's numbers?
Less on my homes. I don't know. I'm going to have to see what the number is because I couldn't even guess. I would imagine Christmas and T.D. Swift's going to be there and he's going to want to put it, you know, he's going to put it on a show for his baby.
so yeah I think that's a good I do value this conversation I think it's a good idea and you can combine up to six points shut up dude you can combine up to six picks dude this is the thing I really wanted to sit you down and talk to you about we're taking apart the podium when I'm getting back it'll never die dude it'll just move and go I'll get in there you gotta get the headset on dude dude
And they're just giving everyone $50. Yeah, dude.
That's nice.
What episode is this going in?
Little stony dads?
Yeah. So, yeah, we're going to toss it in. We can probably just keep it rolling.
What are you doing?
Oh, yeah, you just got your glands sucked.
I got my... But is it a guy or a girl?
You wouldn't care if it was a guy?
That's good. Ren and Stimpy, I think, is spaz energy that you don't need. I didn't do it.
And then I pop up and I'm like, you threw a thousand in an hour and an hour. Can you rip a thousand in an hour?
Your parents were like, this is too white, man.
It's better if you're not prepared. It's significantly better if you end up getting like 48 push-ups in an hour.
It is very funny. So you're thinking like a Ben Shapiro owning kids. No, it's you doing pushups.
You're going to want to find some topics. Yeah. You think so? Cause if it's just fucking Q and a, they're going to be like, how do you come up with your material? Although that's funny.
coming back dude there's there's some babies dude i'm coming back the babies are falling i think the babies are falling off yeah the babies there's still there's a couple babies i got on twitter and a guy who's he was being a baby don't go on x dude i was i i get depressed every time i go on like instantly instant depression every time i go on yeah it's i go on x and i've been trying to find out about the drones and there's nothing you can't find out anything
Yeah, I watched a bunch of Muslims guys stone a guy to death.
I don't like that. I don't like that. Babes have found their way back into my algorithm. I don't know what happened. Babes are back? Babes are back on the menu, dude.
You know what I mean? Sometimes there's things that can do that. You know, true. This is true. Nobody can work my spot like a fucking Indian guy on the internet.
Speaking of dizzying aromas, I got I got it's easy to be, you know, xenophobic when you get in an Uber and it smells. Yeah, but I can fight through that. I'm like, all right, whatever. It smells weird. That's fine. I got a fat Uber. The stink, dude. Yeah.
It's just a fat one. Did they complain or were they silent? No. I was so close to complaining. It was a battle of fats complaining. I got in the backseat just... I didn't say anything, but I was close to putting the window down, which would have been, I feel like, too mean. Yeah. 20 degrees outside.
That was probably the most powerful I felt as a child. When they were doing extreme Ren and Stimpy close-up, I was like, I'm tapped into the source. I know what's up.
A fat complaining spaz. They are quick to hit the complain button.
Yeah. And then driving, driving Uber is tough. And then, yeah.
Yeah. So you're just kind of, but anyway, God smelled the fat smell destroys American fat smell. We got to stop complaining about Indian smelling.
They have nothing on our American fats.
Oh, so bad.
Yeah. Anyway, what else is going on?
How'd it go?
And I was like, hold up, bro. What the fuck? It's my Peñas.
The truth is out there.
I don't want to protest close-ups. I want everyone to look very shiny. My mom's going to get furious if she sees that.
Wow, what did Lemaire do?
Is it on air? Is it on YouTube, I mean?
for like you know that is like you're on that show which is dudes it's just guys getting like just beaten down yeah it kind of wears on that guy got fucking queer on yeah dude he got he fully got queer i don't kill tony you'd look so much better like this
Yeah.
Yeah, turn on Hang of Mr. Cooper now. Oh, man. I think my entire highlight reel of like childhood joy was just like a veiny face with bulging eyeballs and like a sound effect. I was like, that's all that ran through my head, man.
But Lemesie was holding it down. He did good.
Good. Yeah, it's pretty sick. He better hurry up because he's got to move out and not get home.
Yeah, it's coming. It's coming soon. I got to do a bar crawl. Billy Brook is like, what did you say?
Bar crawl is going to be sick. I'm a little jealous.
I'm here by myself in this haunted fucking house. You're by here lonesome. Yeah, my lady went home for a couple of days. I'm just here in this fucking spooky ass house, dude. Yikes. I'm afraid the entire time I'm here. Yeah, dude, I was scared the whole time. I'm so scared the entire time.
I was fucked up until you're like, it's an old house. I look outside. There's the front porch is right here. So you can just walk. Somebody walks. I think I see people the entire time. I'm looking out my window. Dude, you might have a six cents. The only cure is brewskis. I know. The only cure is a couple brewskis. I'm like, fucking ghosts aren't real. Fuck ghosts.
It's so scary.
By itself, it gets very spooky.
I'm going to call Blizz. I'm going to have Blizz sleep over again.
He's like... He doesn't even wake up.
and the laundry the laundry's in the basement in the fucking dude forget it original basement it's so scary just forget it dude i don't have a basement in my house now is they don't have a lot of i guess in austin they don't dig down for basically i don't have basements
Yeah, I took a shower last night. I was terrified the entire time. Thought I heard stuff like six different times. Thought I heard something. Dude, I'll just be sitting here playing Xbox and pause the game and go. All right. Go back to playing. I got to get back to Austin. I'm ready.
That's fine with me. Yeah, I'm excited. Yeah.
At the driving range with Gerbys and O'Connor today.
Had some golf balls. It was nice. That is nice. Gerbys is a golfer. It's very fun.
Yeah, he's good. He is bagger man. He was helping Chris. Was he really? Yeah, Chris is just naturally good at it. Chris is dumbass and like TJ Maxx and bought like a golf outfit to go to the driving range.
He's wearing a fucking glove.
He bought a golf glove. He's got glove money now, dude. It's crazy.
Season two money came in.
Glove, pops collar, fucking fleece. I was wearing this. I was wearing an Eagles hoodie and sweatpants.
Yeah, it's not hard. It's not hard to get him in there.
And Durbin's fucking country clubs right across from like a horse... like an equestrian fucking thing. So there's horses outside and it was very white. It was a very white thing.
Yeah. Watching Kirby's be actually good at golf. Piss me off, dude.
Move, peasant. I like to make fun of those country clubs, the poor country club. He's like, do you want to go to my course or the other course? I'm like, I would never go to your course, dude. It's for poor people.
it's so yeah but it's so funny to tell someone they belong to a poor country club so bad it's like oh that one has kind of a poor country club yeah it's a poor people country club he's like it's the only one that let jews in for a while oh that's so that's great yeah it's yeah man well fuck yeah dude Yeah, I'm excited. I'm truly excited to get back down there.
Like, we finished... Yesterday was the first day without doing tires. And it was like... Killed. Yeah, I just woke up. I jacked off. My girlfriend wasn't here. Just jacked off.
I haven't been able to treat myself in so long. I'm so fucking sick, dude.
That'll be awesome. I'm excited.
We have a good squad going.
Okay, sick. I might already be over there. Sick. Yeah, I'm excited about it. I can't wait. Notre Dame better not fucking lose to Indiana, dude.
It is going to be really cool. And then the problem is if they win, that means, I mean, I got to go to the Sugar Bowl, dude. You'd have to. If they win, I got to head down to New Orleans to watch them take on the Bulldogs.
Georgia Bulldogs? Yeah. If they win, you might be good luck. You might be spending New Year's Day in NOLA.
You pieces of shit.
Yeah, I'm super excited to get back to work with you in a professional manner.
Yeah, put out – well, I don't know. Second edition.
Back then might not be – they might not hold up. True, true, true, true, true. No, I'm glad to hear Lemaire's doing well. Gardini's in a diaper. Nate's doing well. Yep. Everybody's doing good. Yeah, Gardini's – his hiney's messed up, but I think he'll get through it, so. It's good he took care of it. I would have ignored whatever that problem was. Dude. He got a cyst on his ass?
Lemaire's burst into fucking urgent care, and he said it smelled.
All right, bro. I'll see you, bro. Thank you, PrizePix. PrizePix, thank you. Later, bro. Goodbye. Let's get back to stoner dance.
Yeah, he was wrong.
Fuck. Damn. I wonder if the hot shooter was trying ice, and that's why his back wasn't getting better. He was slowing down his platelets and had to shoot a guy about it.
You think he was also wheeling against traffic the whole way?
Giant speaker in the basket.
That's cool knowledge. What do you need? You probably need, like, a Flipper Zero or something for that. I want a Flipper Zero so bad. What is that? It's, like, a little hacking device. You want a Flipper Zero?
Oh, man, it's a little, like, hacking device, and it, like, it can connect to, like, Bluetooth and, like, Wi-Fi and, like, a bunch of other, like, near-field protocols and shit, and you can, like, reprogram. You can, like, take a hotel key and, like, duplicate it. What? Is that how people break into cars?
It has a physical key thing where you lay a physical key over it and then you can match up the notches on the little interface on the device and then take that and get a key printed to replicate. Yeah, dude, I want to commit some felonies. That'd be cool. I want to do some high-level crimes.
Yeah, that would be great. Number one, traveling with your boys. Be so tight. And really fucking with them. It's petty theft. Yeah, dude, you could go crazy. Oh, my God. Imagine pulling off a kidnapping prank on your boy in a hotel. That would be so sick. Or just an ultimate scare prank. Would you go supernatural? Jump on him. In bed, while they're asleep. I'll jump on him.
Jump on your friends screaming at the top of his lungs in pitch black.
Yeah, I think bums used to, like, World War Z people and just throw their bodies at an obstacle.
It's probably in your book. A bum Russian. It started in the 1920s.
I think that was all travel. It was just, like, eventually you were outside of anyone paying attention and you had to worry about the highwaymen. Exactly.
Yeah. What about what about the subway choking guy? What do you think of that case? The subway choking guy got.
Yeah, that's the best verbiage, brother. I mean, bold words as the movie theater industry dies around. Yeah, we need to do something about it.
I think he got on the train. He said, I'm ready. Everyone's been on the public transportation with a guy that says, I'm ready to die today. And I think he made the threats to everybody. He identified himself as an immediate threat. Damn. And then the Giga Chad jumped on his back and held him. I don't know if he ever actually choked him out. I think he just held him there for a long time. What?
Yeah.
I mean, right after it.
Well, depending on who you ask on Twitter, it was either a combination of drugs and hard living, or it was the guy strangleholding him for six minutes.
He had the rear naked choke. Not fully sunk. Dude, here's my thing.
Yeah, some of them go that way.
Did you see the detail that when, I guess, the cops or the EMTs got there, he was still alive, but they didn't want to do CPR because he was yucky. What? Yeah. Yeah, the EMT showed up and got the ick, and they were kind of just like, you know. Hang out here. Let's just bang on his chest a little bit. My thing is all right. Wake up. Come on, man. Wake up. Come on. It's okay. You're okay.
You're okay.
I think it was like, I need resources and I'm ready to kill and die for them, essentially. I'm paraphrasing.
It was like, I'm starving and I need money and I'll do anything for it and I'm ready to die and I'm ready to kill or something like that. Okay. That was his terms.
You're saying he was stopping Asian hate and he's a hero.
Yeah.
I am willing to die over resources. You know what's going to be crazy, though, is that he's going to get a, like, influencer boxing offer.
He's going to get, like, $10 million to box, like, a canceled, like, kick streamer. You think so? Like PewDiePie or something.
Luigi. That's the most suspicious. There's no way there's a guy, a 30-year-old guy named Luigi.
You don't think?
I think he was probably responsible for or again, I'm just reading tweets. I think he was responsible for like an automated claim denial system that really started racking up the screws to people. Yeah, that's terrible. And then there was also I think I don't I don't sympathize.
You're going to be forcing people in the corner offices, and they're going to be, like, grabbing onto the walls. No one's going to want to be a CEO. Take the fucking stock option.
It's like the hacker that gets hired by the FBI. It's like, we like what you got. You're just sitting in a corner office with a gun every day waiting for your match.
But these are also the pull yourselves up by the bootstraps people. Like, lacking is your responsibility.
Don't let me catch you lacking.
A new Fortnite battle pass drops that day, so I'm going to give myself 24 hours with that.
How long was this lockdown? Like three days?
Don't worry. You're sharpening the metal edge on your ruler.
It's a heavily reported thing.
It's like the main driver of pharmaceutical advertising sales. They kind of are hoping for one. It could be a closed loop system.
Probably a lot of overlap in the pool. You know, the path of the school shooter and the path of the... early droon you know what i mean the young uh
I'm talking about my blackness. My family wouldn't let me. Are you saying Sidney's leaving blackness on the table? I think so.
Yeah. They had My Little Pony for a while. That was an option. Can we cure that part of autism? There's got to be a way. You just give them enough Sonic the Hedgehog that they don't hurt anybody. We've got to drop the new Sonic.
There's like a pretty, I don't know what the percentage of the population is, but there's kids, but there's no more compelling thought than Sonic the Hedgehog being pregnant. Holy shit. Their eyes will just glass over for like significant chunks of the day. They're just like, what if Tails got Sonic pregnant? That would be pretty cool. Yeah, I guess I could doodle that. Sonic's a boy.
I know, that's what makes it so interesting.
Next is going to be our brains, by the way. Could be. If Neuralink takes off or whatever competes with Neuralink, we're going to forget about dicks and pussies for a while and be like, what do we do with our brains? Be big on our brains. Actually, the dick and pussy are just going to be getting in the way of having direct access to the chemicals in your brain.
That's going to be crazy. Giving over your entire nervous system to the cloud just so you could have access to Wikipedia in your mind.
Don't sell yourself short.
Are you talking about, like, reverse cowgirl?
That's Nirvana for ultimate pussy guys. You reach the final and you go, it was gay the whole time. Yeah, it was just all gay. You transcend body and soul.
We got a 69.
Yeah. Maybe he was waiting for someone to say no. I think a lot of these people, he pressured them to go along with it, but I don't think any of them were just like, I'm not really into it, man. Like full stop? Yeah, I think he was thinking eventually someone was going to say.
Yeah, like Asian languages. They had what, 10,000 years of spoken language to figure it out, and they forgot the? They forgot the and forks?
I like that.
I was like, damn. It's a very high thought to see if in your mind you could define the word the. That's what I'm saying, dude.
It's actually knows violence against men.
It's crazy. 70s even.
An hour and a half.
Did you? No. I just have a bunch of dumb shit I've been scrolling past in my head.
Well, I'd like to hear it at least. Did you hear about the teacher that all the kids would be in bed and she said no one can go to the bathroom anymore and all the kids pissed themselves and she got fired? What? Yeah. No? Yeah. I think all the kids were like your girl's age. How bad? What? Like little, little kids? Yeah, it was like that. I told you guys. I told you guys to calm down.
Yeah, that would be totally improper.
And now no one can go to the bathroom. And now all the kids piss their pants and the teacher got fired. Yeah, of course, dude. A whole class pissing themselves is crazy.
Oh, that would suck to be the first piss. Dude, you're all tapping your feet on the floor, not trying to be the first pisser.
I know a kid in second grade that pissed his pants in school and he had to change schools.
She made a documentary. Yeah, did you see her cry? Yeah, tears welling up in her eyes.
100 cums? Yeah. The entire village had to split that in a year.
Yeah.
Now, everything smelled back then.
They might not even notice 100 combs. True. It might not have. The tannery on the edge of the village fucking reeks.
Yeah, but I mean, probably you had to get through the winter. Yeah. You had to ingest a little bit of it.
Big time. Do you think they called each other gay back then or is that off limits?
Bro, you're making some pretty serious accusations right now. Yeah. I'm actually going to run this pitchfork through your body if you say that again. I don't know what you're doing with your voice and smiling right now. They didn't know laughing at all.
Were they, like, crying for, like, the same tears that you get for winning the championship? No, she was being very brave. She was trying to, like, be very powerful and brave and just be like, yeah. And it's just, you know, it's just like.
The crops weren't stable enough to ponder gay.
You ever watch like the YouTube guys that run laundromats? They make that look pretty attractive.
no how that how what do they do with that they just go they go around they collect all their quarters and shit they go here's how much money i made and they count a bunch of money and they go all right man thanks for checking out the video see you guys next time yeah they break down like the economics of having a laundromat and all their locations are vending machine guys watch those what's the numbers what are they how much are you pulling in from the laundromat uh i don't know like i think i've seen people where they were like i made three thousand dollars this month that's passive income you know what i mean but then i think they probably do better from being a content creator
It's like Scrooge McDuck. Yeah.
That would be a great sound to have in the background. Did you ever hit the penny arcade? Or like the coin star? The coin star? Yeah. I lived on the coin star for a stretch there. That shit rules, dude. Yeah, you ever get $40 from a coin star and be like, oh, thank God. Yeah, it's awesome.
There's no better feeling. When that receipt prints out and your checking account is overdrawn, that's like, that is, it's Indiana Jones grabbing the hat under the door. Good news. I can get home from work today.
OK, yeah, I remember that. That was and then you could guess you could guess your total. I want a lollipop one time.
That's my day. I might have counted it beforehand, too. I might have cheated. Can you edit that out? Don't let them know that I cheated. That puts me in a really negative light.
As long as you know in your heart that you didn't count every single one.
$2.25.
Well done, man. You know, hats off to you, man. You won fair and square.
Got to put you in the elevator.
Ooh. This is green.
You have to get in someone's face about that.
It's not working on this shit. The stop sign because it's not scanning and you're running it again and again. Exactly, dude. I'm going, are you taking my points right now? Excuse me, I'm trying to play Fruit Ninja. I spent $200 on Fruit Ninja and it's not working.
And it's not working. Nothing worse than a fucked up air hockey table. That'll make me... That's depressing. Do you guys care about anything? Yeah. Half the thing's not even blowing air.
Bro, a dead spot in the air hockey table. It's fucked up. Some fucking bullshit, dude. No one cares about anything anymore, man.
I saw her saying in the Twitter clip that some of the guys were like, she was cutting them off after like two minutes. And he's like, it said five in the DM. And she was just like, yeah, come on, you got to go. Come on, get out of here.
Yeah. Did you ever see a phone store guy that they tried to rob and he stabbed one of the kids to death?
Yeah. Okay, everyone else has seen it. These two kids come into a phone store or something, and they try to jump over the counter and grab all the shit, and the guy running the place pulls out a knife and grabs one of the kids, and the other kid runs, and he just starts stabbing him. And the kid just bleeds out on the floor, and he's going... I'm dead. I'm dead. You ever seen that video?
I don't know. I've seen videos like that. It's pretty funny. I saw, I haven't seen a stabbing video. I didn't know it was a phone. Yeah. Or something like that. He died though. Yeah, he definitely died. Yeah, he died. Yeah. And the cashier posted the video himself. Like, you know, they tried it. They found out what was up. Did he get in trouble? I think they tried.
I don't know if he was convicted or anything like that. I mean, did he have that thing? Did he have that thing on him?
Yeah.
You ever see Indian guys defend a 7-Eleven? That's cool. Yeah. That's really nice. There's a really good one where a guy comes up behind the counter, and they just start hitting him with, like, brooms and shit. They're not really doing any damage, but, like, they're definitely getting some Indian aggression out.
Yeah, true. Bitch bastard.
I stay in I mode.
You shouldn't be having a reaction to it. It's almost like abstract information. It's so far from you. There's almost no way it can impact you. It's none of my business. It's a huge mistake to constantly just be seeing stuff and be like, you know.
Yeah.
Please get a PS5, man. Just get a PS5 and shut the fuck up.
Yeah, it's half people being tricked by the dead internet and the other half is bots, you know? What is the dead internet? I've never really had that explained to me. Was I talking to you or Swim about it? Swim. I think I was talking to Tom about it. It's that internet theory is that like almost everything you see online is not real. It's not real people.
And then when you see real people engaging with it, you kind of look at them and be like, you're being tricked. Do either of you guys go on Facebook still?
I'm mostly on Facebook Marketplace.
Take my lesson.
Yeah, the coin.
I don't think she had any idea what was happening. I think right now, I don't think she's learned a single thing about it. Yeah. She was rug pulled as well? There could have been dudes. No, she benefited from it. Yeah, she probably made money. But there's probably dudes who are like, we're going to set all this up for you. Or it's like... They're doing it to, like, MMA fighters.
It's like a roving horde of, like, tech wiggers in California. Why? What's the draw? To be like, this is a unique coin. It's going to rise. It's like a penny stock, basically. Yeah, they go, look, there's no better way to capitalize on all the recognition that you're getting. It's never been a hotter time for you. What we can do, we're going to build a community.
It's going to be like a financially independent community around your identity. And you can't lose. You know what I mean? And then, like, the first day, the... price shoots up, they rug pull, and then the celebrity is standing there like, what the heck? Thank you for the $15 million, but everyone's really mad at me. Everyone's pissed.
They're the best of people who are like, I lost my life savings in the Hockatoo.
They talked to like a POG advisor, and he's like, look. Yeah.
Well, did you see, like, a 10-year-old did a meme coin, and he got, like, $30,000. I was like, gotcha! Like, cashed out. Now I think he might be in big trouble. But then I think they boosted that so, like, he could have made, like, $12 million if he didn't, like, rug pull in the first, you know, hour or so. I mean, how can you blame a 12-year-old? That'd be so sick. You should meme coin.
That'd be tight. Rug pull. Matcoin? Rug pull would be nice. You call it rug pull?
yeah yeah i don't think anyone's like inventing new technology i think they're just like copy and pasting the framework of every other coin and then you just give it a cool name and have like an endorser and that's that's all you need really you could probably do it yourself there's probably some youtube videos for how to do it what if i turned it into an nft
Do you think, obviously, being anywhere in the 90s would suck, but I think being guy 100 would probably rule.
It might be a surprise.
I don't think that any of them, none of them were like great art. I think it's just like they want to be on. It's attached to you. You know? Crazy. Yeah, you got to meme up. Yeah, I should meme coin. Time to go crazy.
I'm out of the game. I'm going to rug pull.
No, there was... Okay, so there was... The way that they argued back was that they said they weren't rug pulling. They were saying other people were driving up the price so they could, you know, dump. Dump real quick. Yeah, and so... Pump and dump, I guess. And so, but... Even if that is the case, what they did was they had a high transaction fee for all of the purchases.
So even if they weren't the ones doing the rug pull, they were getting 15% on every transaction. So they still pocketed, you know, $20 million or whatever. Really? Yeah. Even if they didn't do what everyone is saying that they did. Well, I don't know. I'm just going off what CoffeeZilla said. Thank you, Coffee. Yo, shout out Coffee Zilla, man.
No one wants products anymore, man. We're past that. True.
People just want to think about a weird thing and then have money assigned to it. That's all. That's true. Well, that's pretty sick. That is pretty sick. Yeah.
Thank you so much. Thanks for having us in the arena of ideas. I knew you guys could rock the setup, dude. Yeah. Do people get competitive on here? I want to win the podcast. I know.
Like, you did it. You're so good.
Great idea.
Thanks for flying us out here and putting us up in the lap of luxury.
I can't believe it.
I know.
When we got in the hotel and saw how nice it was, I felt sexually pressured. Oh, guys, this is the industry we're in, right?
That's the best part of the weather down here, man. You can play naked all year round.
You know, it's got to be nice. I would say maybe when she gets her second wind around, like, in the low 70s, that's probably a nice spot. You know, she gets a little bit of... She can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Ejaculate. She submitted herself to, like, Al-Qaeda, like, interrogation tag.
They were doing 100 in the 80s. They were doing 500 when I was a teenager. Yeah. Howard Stern was having girls on.
The sandwich has been sitting for a while kind of like a room-temperature hoagie should use that rough like hands Lava yeah lava soap with the granules. Yes mechanic grant No water just rubbing that shit on her eyes and just peels and falls off drawing your hands on newspapers. Oh
Did they ever send you as, like, their emissary to deal with white people? All the time.
Oh, man. It's more impressive than penetration.
Yeah, you think the stroke locks in eventually, and you're like three, four pumping guys? You can even... You're talking like... Yeah, like, how fast are you making them come when you really get in your groove? Or a hypothetical woman, not you. Yeah, not me, obviously. Never. I'd be, I mean, me? I'd be lights out. I wouldn't even be in the building.
Yeah. That's got to be fun floating that out there to your like existing, like when you start promoting it and it's just like people, you know, they're just like, uh, like you flipping the coin and whether they'll check it out, you know? Yeah. That's going to be a uncomfortable.
You're doing the soft core on Instagram and she'd be like, check out, you know, go to my link tree, you know? Yeah. Oh boys, you know, before it really catches on.
Would you be DMing them too? You know, would you be sending DMs? Because, you know, in IT, this was like security testing where we would like send a phishing attack to an employee to see how they react. So would you pop in the girl's DMs and just be like, you know, damn, you look so good. And just seeing how they responded. Yes.
Didn't think I was going to be that sweaty. Dude, I'm dying. Good fucking God, dude. Dying. We had fucking long penis cheating. Immediately everybody sprinting around. I mean, dude, you can't not run. It's fucking, it's absolute war. Long penis with the one of the all time cheats. Cheating. Long penis is Sean Gardini. He called himself that. I was not cheating. You were not cheating?
No, I was playing by the rules. Okay. Running? No, I was moving swiftly. Running? Walking swiftly. I will say, I had a trick where people would get too close to me. I'd be like, dude, my fucking gun's not even working. Sorry, I did it to you, Andy, like five times. Also, Andy really held down the Terminator 2.
That's a good recipe.
Yeah. There's a move you go, dude, my fucking shit's off. And as soon as Andy walked past me, I'm like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Snake. Total snake. Sorry, Andy. I did that to like five different people. I'm like, fucking shit's not even working, dude. As soon as someone got the drop on me, I'm like, what the fuck? This shit sucks.
Who betrayed you?
I asked him to ally. I never shot you once. Spider did not ally with me.
So, Lamiz, you betrayed.
I tagged Big Unk a couple times. I know Unk got brought in. I was like, Unk, stay here. We both shot him immediately. I saw Unk down in the mix. I was like, now I'm going to grab a couple points off him.
that was uh man dude speaking of laser tag rules if laser tag god damn i want dude i want to formally challenge dr marta laser tag really yeah he's in hot water right now why what'd he do dude is uh his alleged although he did his alleged daughter although i have reason to believe it could possibly be his daughter because he claimed to have paid child support her whole life came out and was like you're a fucking deadbeat just give me my sister's number
You know Dr. Mars? Yeah. He doesn't like interracial dating and all that stuff. Doesn't really like white people, I get the feeling.
Dude, his daughter for real crushed him. Came out and was like, you're a fucking deadbeat. You're a loser. Nobody should be listening to you. And then he came back, rather than being like, I don't know who you are, which that would be devastating to your strange daughter to do that. But he goes... He was saying something like, get your mom on the phone. We can hash this out.
And he was saying, I'm sick of... First of all, he goes, you're either with me or against me on this. No more frenemies. He doesn't want any more frenemies, dude. I appreciate that. Next time, yeah, if my daughter ever confronts me for being Debbie, I would be like, I have no time. You're either with me or against me. I know. That's fucking hilarious. And then he called her a struggle streamer.
Trying to get clout off of his name. Trying to get clout off her daddy. Calling your estranged daughter a struggle streamer. Phil's a fucking struggle streamer. I have the opposite. Phil's always trying to get clout.
He's a struggle streamer. He wanted clout. Now he gives away tickets. Every show I go to, there's fucking eight guys from the Elks in the green room.
It was killing me. It was fucking unbelievable. It was fucking killing me. Shane, how about a little meet and greet? The guy's one of the top sales guys in Tampa. Could you meet him?
no that was the list was crazy yeah the list he handed my my manager a list that is 40 people at every show that was a wild night tampa was it was awesome tampa and jackson tampa was wonderful yeah all those fucking studs were there yeah true aaron judge's fucking big ass was there he was fucking huge He's still a unit. I was less starstruck this time. Yeah. That was the first time.
Yeah, the last time when I met him at that game. Didn't you see him at a baseball game? Yeah, full Yankees uniform. Just hit a giant home run. In batting practice. Came over. He was like, what are you doing back there, big man? I was like, I saw you. You just drilled that ball. I've never spazzed like that. Seeing him at the game would fuck you up.
Talking to Bubbles here, I was a little... Bubbles was fucking me up. Taking him back. True. I mean... Yeah, he was fucking... That guy was... He's on the fucking videos outside the bar. Watch the videos. It's him fucking mixing drinks. Bubbles is the man. He gave me some good pointers. We might get Bubbles in this next game. I'm on his team. I call Bubbles' team.
Did he tell you about the zombie game? Yeah, that sounds fun. Zombies sound sick. Everyone's green. One red zombie. And then you spread... If you get hit by the zombie, you become a zombie as well. It's kind of sick. I don't know how you would cheat in that game. Yeah, how are you going to cheat, long penis?
Dude, you got to bleep the GoPro. I was saying horrible things to you. I was screaming on the GoPro. You shoot me. I was like...
What was your strategy, Gardini? It was run right at everyone. Stick and move. Stick and move? Stick and move fast. Yeah. You were running. That was swift. Swift walk. You were running. I might have been running. I saw you run. That's fine. You cheated. Bubbles is on your ass for the next game. Well, that's concerning. Yeah, he's going to personally follow you around. I came here for a good time.
And immediately guys take advantage of the rules. Man, I finished seventh. That's not bad. That's pretty good. Sucks. First game. I beat Spider. Fuck yeah. I lost a big – oh, I lost a Nicky Blazer.
Adam Eget. I lost to Nicky Blazer by probably one shot. It was close. It was a close one. And you were camping.
I was camped, and then I would run and gun. I would just get hit 50 fucking times. You were hitting the lay down, which was a nice move. Lay down was pretty good. That sounds like that's against the rules. That's cheating so much. That sounds like that's against the rules. He was lying. He was laying down. He was going, my fucking pack doesn't work. That's what Chris keeps saying.
Chris keeps saying his gun was broken. That's why. He was RoboCop. They changed his name to RoboCop. Wait, his gun wasn't working, but he didn't come in very last place, did he? No, that was the one. It happened to be the one female that was brought on.
Damn, dude. Oh, there's my fucking gym shorts. I've been looking for those. Goddamn spiders wearing them.
I was laying... That's why you weren't running around. Someone's going to bump into her. The worst thing you want is something terrible to happen at a fucking laser tag. I startled the shit out of her. I was laying down behind a corner. She walked. I went... I was like, sorry about that. Sorry about that. Dude, if she does give birth in a laser tag, that's America's next emperor.
It's chosen by God. True. If you give birth under the artificial fog and black lights of a laser tag. Just being that that's your first image coming out into the world. Surrounded by Team Fats. Everyone's sweaty with packs on. My thing is I'd be still racking up major points. I'd be sitting there hitting their fucking sensors while she's giving birth.
Every single person would be sitting there going, all right, dude, it's fucking time out. Have some fucking respect. Yo, my pack's deactivated. You can't even shoot me right now.
You betrayed. I shot you at the buzzer.
Probably knocked me out of fun. I thought James, I thought one of them hit me. No, that was me at the buzzer. I shot you. I betrayed you. Wow. I just want you to know, but this is me coming clean. I appreciate you coming clean. Obviously, Blazer Tag is a game of nothing but treachery. Obviously, there was one ultimate cheater. Long penis. Just so happened to be the champion.
bro you cheated it was crazy bubbles even said so bubbles watching the footage he's like yo for i might kick him out bubbles did bring it up so we'll see yeah he might address it james interesting technique yeah james is big just hiding behind the stinking like shit so blind my enemies body odor that's my great i did find something out so i think the reason
What was going on with that dump? What led up to that?
Yeah, I'm coming for you. Now you know. Now we know that long distance doesn't work the same way. Close quarters. New rules, though. If somebody is running, you are allowed to tackle. Yeah, for sure. Trip or tackle. Trip or tackle, for sure. If they're laying on their stomach, you can step on their backs.
Yeah, we took a strong one.
Cool. I was patrolling like an L shape. I would come here, come there, come here. And then I'd wander off, run back. Please, Sean. Don't be confident. Sean, I'm going to for real follow you the whole time now. I'm going to sacrifice my whole game. I'll be last place. And I'm just going to take you down to like fourth place. That's okay. I'm going to do that. Damn, guard dog's confident.
Dude, he's... No, there's nothing wrong with fourth place. If I shadowed him, dude... Fourth place is nice. Huh? Fourth place I'm happy with. Bro. One first, one fourth. If I shadowed him, it wouldn't be fourth. One first place, one fourth place. Bubbles scrubbed that from the record. It doesn't count. Bubbles did bring up, he was like long penis. He had his eye on you. Just so you know.
He was like guys. He's a guy that appreciates. Bubbles was all over long penis. He took us aside. He was like, guys, for real, I'm glad you guys are having fun and shit, but that guy's like, if this wasn't a private event. He was a pregnant woman. It's the battlefield. Fucking knocks her over. I saw you knock her over. She didn't want to talk about it.
We opened the doors. We had to open the doors of the house. You crushed the girls? Crushed the girls. Was it a giant log or like a pile?
Cause you were like, you fucking don't want to kill you.
Bubbles is walking by. He's covered her mouth. Yeah. You were, I didn't, I've never seen that side of you, man.
It's a weird side to see. You bring your friend, you put him in any type of competitive situation, he instantly cheats. It's fucking crazy. Who would have thought? The two biggest cheaters right there. James cheated at my birthday. I was fucking pissed about it. You cheated at the birthday?
That's first. You two are the captains for next game. Yeah. You got to pick teams. It can't be random. That would not be fair. Strong alliances. If the guys who cheat versus the fats. Cheaters versus fats. I'm not on fucking Terminator's team. Terminator. That's actually a strong move. Everyone behind Terminator. That's not a bad idea. It's a new form of cheating that we just invented.
Yeah, for sure. We're all going to cheat and scream as soon as everybody, as soon as we got in the room. By the way, shout out to Blazer Tag Pizza. I told you. It fucking hits.
How long have we been going? We got to get back in.
Oh, shit. 16 minutes for the first one, so we're about a half an hour. Are you fucking kidding me? I got here.
Next time we need like an eight-hour all-day pass. We need to tag for like three hours. Bubbles is not afraid to give you a speech. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. We love BetterHelp. Love ButterHelp. As nice as it would be. The help with the butter on it. ButterHelp. As nice as it would be. You don't have all the answers. Prompt for a host rift. I struggled with dot, dot, dot.
I personally, I don't like to get into this, but I struggled with deep sexual feelings for amphibians until I got out. Until I got help from. Better help. Better help. And we overcame that struggle because they were like, it was like a stern father. Like, oh, you want to smoke cigarettes? Well, how about you do a hundred of them? Yeah.
butter help said how about you do a hundred of them tough guy boxing 100 frogs you don't come out of that room until you cream by every one of those fuckers mouths i said but butter hill it's it's it's important that you have a good support system you know people you can go to when the going gets tough like a therapist from butter hill
They're always nice to have in your corner because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends. You can't tell your family about those frogs. You can't tell anyone about that.
I didn't trust the professional. Oh, my God. Yes, we already riffed. We riffed with things that helped us. Therapy is great because, I mean, dude, after I stopped my whole thing with those amphibians, my social skills were much more positive. I overcame those problems, and I learned how to reach out. I learned how to reach out for help and save space.
If you want to give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin, check out Butterhill.
Oh, bro, trust me. When you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog, but you hear it jump into the water, I go, I just want to fucking jump in after and bring that thing out. Hopefully I kiss it and it turns into a prince. Guys, check out BetterHelp.
It's fully online, so easy to get started, and they have access to a wide range of credentialed therapists, over 30,000 with all sorts of different specialties.
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You. They said it couldn't be done. I know. They said it could not be done. Nobody would be crazy enough to do a podcast live from Blazer Tag. I know. I didn't know you could pull it off, dude. This is. Yeah, it turns out it was pretty easy to pull off. Yeah, true. Just had to rent that fucking place out. Yeah, true. What are you guys doing at 1 o'clock in the afternoon?
He might have Elvis'd out. It was a long dump.
Yeah, dude, they do fucking rock with this.
Thank you, Butthill. Butthill. Ah, dude. Yeah, next time. It's like we already saw the video. I do. This is a fun topic that I came across the other day. There's a restless leg medication that's been causing women to do horrible sexual stuff. So like, like, there's just like someone that's taken some restless really watch them, dude.
It's like they'll like there was ladies who were taking it like 5040 60 year old ladies who were on this medication and then like, they would fake go to work and just like show their tits to strangers and like,
like troll they would start trolling for sex i got restless tit syndrome yeah restless tit you gotta get those things out dude it'd be like it would be like uh one of your aunts would just take this take these meds and just like leave sunday mass and start like trolling a city and trying to get blowjobs and strangers off the meds for like a couple years shout out to big pharma for that one
That's what I'm saying. Thank you. And then they came off of it and they were just like, what the fuck did I? Symptoms went away immediately. Imagine, dude, if like three of your aunts were just gobbling, dude, for like three years, hitting like the L in Philly and just fucking. Oh, my God. It's a nice lady that just.
normal ladies dude kids are in college you take the restless leg meds and you just cheat on your fucking husband like 45 times in a year you just meet dudes at the home depot bathroom and it's fucking blown in the back no yeah i read the whole thing about it it's pretty crazy
I had RLS. Thank fucking God. I think actually maybe I did take that for a while. I might have been on the RLS for my entire 20s and some of my teens. God damn restless legs and you're throwing the whole room off. Me and you get to talk about that every day. You guys aren't together? What the fuck? Why are you guys touching elbows? You're throwing me off. You're throwing the whole room off.
Just finally getting out of like a multi-month bomb. He's spilling water in your eye. Splashing fucking water in my eye. I know. It's not the first time. The other time, I just straight up missed my mouth and just poured it all down my shirt in a little boy. That was the RLS medicine. That might have been the RLS medicine. You took a facial. I was thinking about my next victim. Yeah. My next suck.
But yeah, so we got that going on. That's hilarious. Yeah, I was pretty pumped about that. Keep an eye on your fucking aunties, y'all. Keep an eye on your motherfucking aunties. Dump that medicine right down the drain. For real. They don't know about that. I mean, dude, imagine you're just watching the VMAs with your aunties.
And they're just seeing like JT's fucking teenest dude flying through the air. You've seen that guy flip? Who's that guy who does flips off the piano? Oh, Blazer Tag. Nicky Blazer ripped his clothes off at the VMAs. I forget his name. The guy who sings... I know who you're talking about.
Reporting for duty, Team Pat. Team Pat reporting for duty.
It's pretty accurate. It's like girl rock. It's fairly accurate. Passionate girl rock. It is girl rock, yeah. Benson Boom. That's kind of an unfair... Now you can just take a formula and just create those songs and girls will like literally every single one.
I like this song. I like this song. Listen to the words. This song fucking sucks. You listen to the words of Edmund Fitzgerald. You think about the chef. Think about the cook coming in and saying, fellas, it's been good to know you. After the main hatchway gave in. You dumb bitch.
Fine, I'll listen, but we're actually going to sync up Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz after this, and you've got to watch the whole fucking thing.
No. I tried to listen to The Guns of August last night. Put it on? Not a big hit. What the hell?
Yeah, the mutual audio book is tough. My girlfriend's friend stayed in our hotel room. Nothing. They were on the meds. They were on the meds. It was after SNL and she was like, I'm going to take a nap before I go home. Because it was 6am. And I was like, alright, this is what I listen to when I sleep. And I put on rain noises.
He's still reporting for duty.
And now I can't listen to the fucking rain thing anymore because it sounds exactly like applause. She was fucking right. You need to stand and know to pass out. I need to stand and know. I can't. It's rain. You hear the trickle. Obviously rain. Maybe across the room in a hotel. Oh, there you go. Is that fucking applause? With some distance, it sounds like applause.
On a day they're closed, we got blazer tag. I have glazer tag. God damn it.
Because you can hear the trickles. Yeah. That's maybe a babbling brook. I'm going to have to switch it up, get some thunder in there or something.
for duty team fat oh yeah that's gonna be camped though that's gonna be tough you guys will camp you're gonna have to breach the roof yes you guys gotta get the tactical position another reporting for duty What up, Pat? We're splitting up the Razortag team.
There's nothing wrong with listening to that at bedtime. Dude, that could trigger an exorcism. Yeah, I've done that. I've done the audiobook at night time. It's like, what is this? What are you listening to? Fine. It's about how World War I started. I want to have a better understanding. Are you still listening? So we don't fucking fall into it again. Yeah. Are you still listening to that?
Like, yes, it's fucking on. I'm still listening to it. Oh, I had a fucking bug crawl across me. What? In the middle of the night. You know this is one of my deepest fears. Yeah, what happened? It fucking woke me up. The thing was huge. Was it in the hotel? No, it was in...
it literally went up the side and I was like I woke up yeah and it wasn't it wasn't like a night I don't think it was a night I felt it it like woke me up I could feel it on me kind of bug kind of creepy crawler I didn't get to see the crawler which was made for a worst evening because then I was flashlight out looking under the blankets and laying down I was like I didn't want to tell her I couldn't be like a giant spiders in our bed
No way. Because there has been a giant spider in the pool house. That'd be a hot new cuck genre where a spider just fucking literally laser tags your wife. Spider just runs. Spider, no. They just hold the camera like, yeah, spider. And then you suck the cream pie. Oh, fuck. I need you to fart, Spider. Oh, fuck, dude. You love that fucking smell, babe. I'm not having fun anymore.
It's not even that fun.
Well, I'm looking forward to May.
Yeah, I'm going to see that again. That was... Friendship and French onion boys. No, no, no. Don't tell them. Don't tell them that we all got French onion soup after we saw a movie and discussed the movie.
It's unbelievably funny.
I'm a sensitive boy. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, but to see that movie and be like, that fucked me up is crazy. The movie's hilarious. The trailer looks awesome. It's everything. It's for you. I can't wait. You're going to fucking think it's the funniest movie. I saw the trailer and I was like, this looks phenomenal.
Yeah, it's got to be. It's up there. Yeah. Comedy movies are back. True. In a big way. Pendulum swung. Pendulum swung. Pendulum's fully swung. Maybe too far. Head down to the mothership, you go, ooh. Yeah. Pendulum's maybe swung a little too far. Not everyone has to say it. True. Every single set. Dude, I think we're in like the new version of the 70s now.
We had like a version of the 60s, like the hippie dream, which was just like state-sponsored basically propaganda at this point. It was just like the super woke stuff. It's completely falling apart. Now we're in the 70s. Now I got evil hippies. Exactly. And then we're about to hit the 80s pretty soon, which will be sweet. Yes. We're about to have a new 80s. The 30s are going to be the 80s.
We're going to be dying during the 90s, which is a good time to die. 90s are the best one.
Dude, do you think the Middle East will still be there in the new 90s, dude? It's going to be casinos. It's going to be the Riviera. It's going to be Trump casinos. It's going to be the other Riviera of the Mediterranean. You'll probably have to do a VR. 9-11 will be like a ride at Universal Studios. You'll be in the building.
If you have the lightning pass, they'll be like, hey, we actually know about an attack. We're going to get you guys out of there before. It's coming. Yeah, Tower 7 will be the haunted one. Drop out of nowhere. Tower of Terror. You just go, oh, we're dropping. Tower 7 of Terror. Against all odds, we're dropping. Oh, my God. Yeah, that'll be awesome. But yeah, definitely, it's heartening news.
We are... The pendulum's fully swung. The pendulum's swung. The dream broke, but the residue of it, just like the hippie dream, will still kind of saturate the culture, but it'll just be like breakfast. It'll blend into ice cream stuff. Damn. The hipsters were kind of fun at first. Huh? You remember like 2010? Yeah. Yeah. It was kind of a nice group of people.
It was Nick and Nora's infinite playlist. It was. And then they... And I was at the right age to be gay enough for it. I fucking loved that shit. And then they turned evil. What did you love about it? I just liked all the music. Freedom, yeah. The dawn of a new age. I liked the gay music. LCD sound system still rules. Shit does fucking rule. All that. Yeah, that shit rules.
Yeah, I don't know what happened. I'm telling you, dude, it was Occupy Wall Street and then it just total psyop and they turned into still wearing masks today, which is...
it's unsettling when you see a guy just a dude by it's like it's like maybe you're visiting your grandma but like i don't know i've said it before if you're great if you're like a grandmom or grandfather and you're worried about that it's like i think you've kind of failed yeah why don't you shut up you're just a pussy it's like if you're 80 and you're worried about covid you you're a pussy even if you don't die of covid you're gonna be a pussy definitely the people that should be worried about though for sure yeah but it's you imagine you don't want to die like that you don't want to die well i guess they all do die of pneumonia
Yeah. Eventually, yeah. You can't be scared of death by the time you're 80. I mean, it's close. It's easier said than done, obviously. Dude, when you're making your grandkids get experimental therapeutics... Yeah. ...so they can chill with you, I think... I don't think that many grandparents were doing that.
That's true. I did my part. What up, Nate? What up, big onk? We're just all coming clean here. Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry. I shouldn't rag on 80-year-olds, but I pray by the time I'm 80, I'm not going to be scared of some fucking bullshit ass. I'm trying to take the moral high ground. I'm just thinking of when I was 80. If I was ever 80. Past life transgression. No shot.
I hope by the time I'm 80, I'm truly not afraid of death. I hope I'll be trying to get the 40s. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. You got to get on the fucking good foot. It's time. It's time. It's time to get a blood panel. That's going to be a real bummer. Yeah, trust me. I got mine. Mine was not great. Yeah, it's going to be a bummer. Although right now, I've said it before, but I always stray from this.
I don't care about aesthetics. I'm going just performance. I toggle back and forth. It's like, could I just be coming to Donna's? And then I just get fatter every day, and I go, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. So I'm going just pure performance now. It doesn't care, weight, don't care. I don't care about anything. I'm just caring about mile times, hang time.
We've got to have a BMI. It's got to be a BMI cutoff. You guys are in Legion right now.
I mean, I think I got like a 140 hang time, whatever. It's not a big deal, but it's fucking hard. I believe you, yeah. It's cool. Awesome. Thought we could talk about fitness shit. Hang time is tough, dude. That does blow. Hang time, it's hard. I'm in a stiff competition with Billy right now.
billy you might get him on the hang time now did you ever see his fucking hands yeah he's big yeah but he's got fucking fat he does have paws yeah he's for real like dog paws so i right now we're tied but i i gotta overtake him for sure in the hang time it's weird they're saying like that's all that matters everyone's worried about covid but they're like if your thighs are jacked and you can squeeze stuff really hard you're not gonna die
so i actually believe that i'm telling you they're saying if you have like jack thaws exactly they're saying grip strength and like muscle density in your legs are a bigger indicator jack thaws win the grip strength every time at rogan's other than rogan not a big deal yeah man so fuck you looking at adam your ass loss well what was what's the poundage on the grip strength
I think I got – it was like 145 last time. That's good. And then no one could beat it, so I only went once. I was like, all right, good. That's good. First try. I'm on your bumper right now. I believe it. I'm on your bumper. You better not be on my bumper. I'm on your bumper right now. If any Democrats out there say something mean about Donald Trump, I'm on your bumper.
They better chill with making that kid famous because – What do you think is going to happen? Same thing that happens to everybody. There's going to be a nasty story about that sweet angel. Oh, God. He's going to shoot an unarmed white kid. True. That'd be fair. I could see them doing some nasty false flag like that against him. I'd be on their bumper. I'd be on the CIA's bumper if that happens.
He's a sleeper cell. No, I'm definitely on the CIA's bumper. I just got a fucking laser tag on the brain. I do too. Yeah, let's get a post game.
One more laser tag. Yeah, good call. We don't got to watch the video again.
That's just the smell vibe in here right now. That's the blazer room, post game, locker room. We need showers here. We got to get a pro team going. We could put in the work and get a pro team. I mean, we got two of the best cheaters in America. We weren't cheating. What's like the game plan? Yeah, what do you do? What's like the game plan? The game plan is stick and move, stay low and keep firing.
Instantly leaves the floor. Yeah, somebody went to the towers big time. Wasn't me. You weren't up there? I defend cheating. How did I see you up there? I don't know. You must have been a mirage or something. You must have been loopy from the bed. Oh, man, that sucks. And I'm not against cheating. That's disgusting. You're a liar. James was on the ground.
If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. Except when we had to move up. Yeah, well, you can move up. Yeah, the floor was lava then. You had to move up. The floor was lava. Yeah, the floor was lava. The balconies were lava. Somebody who's lava-proof. Lemaire, dude, they went five-minute warning. Lemaire was on level three already. I was like, I was. I was on level two. Exactly.
Lemaire was cheating up there.
Thanks for being a man and admitting it.
That was weird. I was just trying to be joking. You went early? You went up early? I thought it was funny. Sean, that's not how the blue team does it, dude. That's not blue stuff. I thought it would be fun. I thought about it. I was tempted, but I waited. I got stuck in that corner. I couldn't get up there. I kept trying to go to that ramp. Corner was nice. True.
The guy was policing the ramp, too. I was like, I'm taking it. And I would see that guy, and I'm like, fuck. Next time I'm putting bubbles in there, get him on the ramp. Anyway, what else is going on? Not much, man. Fuck, what else is going on? Dude, how was SNL? There we go. Let's talk about that. I got that.
God damn it. You got that blood taking out your little fucking week. I mean, yeah, it's hard to podcast knowing laser tags on the back end. What are you thinking about? We're going to be taking breaks, hit the tag, come back and report. What were you thinking about, Thames? I'm thinking fats versus thins. That's not bad. Fats versus thins is going to be nice.
After a week in laser tag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laser tag is more important. It was...
it was easier the second time but the one thing that sucks is you know what's coming the second time so the first time you go through and you're like all right monday that was easy tuesday that was easy then all of a sudden you do everything on friday you film all those pre-recorded sketches you film so you're there we had to get there at like six oh six a.m so you gotta like pick up at 5 30 and then you get done at fucking 2 a.m and then you gotta do the real thing and then you wake up the next day oh why do they do it that way i don't know
That sounds good. Why not? Yeah, do that first. I have no idea. Rest up. Yeah. Maybe just to get you jacked up and, like, juiced up. I don't know. Yeah, you know. It was actually. I mean, it doesn't matter how late you stay up. When you do the rehearsal live, it's the scariest. If they ever showed that monologue I did. Oh, yeah. Fucking nuts. Oh, fuck. It's the most nervous I've ever been.
And then the real show, I was...
uncomfortably not nervous that's that's a good idea i was like oh this isn't yeah giving you the run-through is a genuinely good idea yeah every sketch you're nervous you're like fuck i can't read that's dude that reading everyone's i've talked to people before like yeah you can read off a card i'm like dude i can hardly read books to my kids gotta read the card like you're telling a joke that's like no i don't know and then they change the lines in between rehearsal and the real show
Cool Shooter is awesome.
I'll tell you what I would do. I would fuck the first card up immediately and I'd think about it the rest of the time and I'd fuck up every single card after that. So that's my prediction. For sure. That's what I would do.
And I think I fucked it up so bad they were like, it's not that good.
Yeah. That's what happened. You do a sketch and then they're like, all right, we're not going to use that. And you're like, fuck, that was my fault because that was definitely funny. Now they shouldn't have went back to the well. The Jamaican well. I liked the Jamaican well. I love it. It's funny every single time. Damn. Exactly right. So they had the Jamaican part, too.
They did have Jamaican part, too, and I think I fucked it up. You know. Nah, you never know. They're not going to tell you. You never know. You should get on like an M.R. vibe, dude. What's that? M.R. is a white English guy who just does dancehall, and he does it really well. Oh. You ever seen that guy? Jamaican dancehall guys? No. Pussy Turn Red? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pussy Red? Yeah.
You got to get past their filter. They don't like that. Doctor Hits. Doctor Hits. Someone's got to be General Fat. Oh, that's great. Hey, Spider. General Fat Spider. I was thinking of cool names last night. I was like, what can I slide through? Yeah, last game.
I didn't know that was his name. Turn a Pussy Red. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You should. Something to consider. Just do like a year.
Take one year off and rebuild. Let me tell you about this, man. Yeah, the monologue, though, is the scariest. And it was like there's Tate McRae fans in the front. Oh, God. It's like, oh, man, they're not going to fucking like me talking about Ken Burns. Yeah. It's just like young. How did they? They did like it. That's cool. The monologue went well. That's cool. But the rehearsal.
Who were the fans? Was it just like attractive ladies sitting up front? Yeah. They're the fucking worst. How are you? If you had to pick a demographic that you didn't want like two rows of in the front, it's just hot ladies. Hot young women. No. And the way that's set up, you saw it, was like two sections and then everyone else is just in the back of the room. Yeah.
it's not conducive for stand-up no unless you have like a point they like that yeah if a comedian goes out there and makes a fucking good point true everyone's like that's incredible you can get the hot young babes with good points even if they don't fully understand they'll be like wow awesome i never thought of it like that yeah hot young babes are lasting what you think you want them
Give me a room full of hot young babes. I'll fucking spin their heads around. I'll make them very unhappy. They also don't have the best attention spans either. No. The worst show I ever did was the small room at the stand upstairs. It was five different tables of hot young women. The whole room was empty. Then they brought food in. They had like 10 waiters at once.
Just fed everyone at once while I was standing up. Immediately it was on to the food. Every waiter was probably like, I'll get that for you right away. Yeah, I'll pick that one up. I'll get that for you right away.
Everyone's eating. Yeah. Perfect. And they're like, no, you're doing good. And you go, ugh. I mean, it's got to be just crazy being in like a hot lady's body. I couldn't think of anything else. If I was just a hot lady in a hot lady's body, I'd be like, God, I'm so fucking hot right now.
I'm literally, I just, I just be so turned on by myself. I'm like, dude, I'm just, I'm just way too horny to listen. I was waiting for it. Why isn't this guy a billionaire? And why isn't he just fucking picking me up on my head and taking me to his house? That's what I would think about if I was a hot lady. In the city of New York?
The one thing that was funny with SNL was the first time... Tate McRae, by the way, extremely nice lady. Nice Canadian lady came in. She was very like, hey, how are you? So the host screen room here, the musical artist is right across the hall. And I was sitting on the couch trying to fucking read, freaking out. And then she walked in and I was like...
for real I don't know why I did this I was just like trying to say and she kept walking and I was like oh that hurts but then she came right back in and was like hey how are you did you re I was like but then the first thing we did was a sketch where I was in a fucking like motorized scooter dressed like an animal and she had to sit on my lap and right before they were like Tate are you okay with this is everything okay are you alright with sitting on his lap she was like yeah I don't care and I was like no one asked me and they were like Shane are you alright I was like yes laughing
Which seemed really funny at the time until it's literally just me, her, and the director. And I was like, I hope you understand. I was kidding. She didn't laugh? I think she laughed, but I was immediately embarrassed that I did that. She's like 21. I'm sitting there like, yes, I'm good with it. I mean, to be fair, it was very funny. Yeah. Funniest thing you could possibly do.
But yeah, the aftermath of that would have been like, I'm just fucking around. And it was like, we just got done filming the first sketch. And I had to rush to that one. And they were like, hurry up. She's got to leave. And, uh, so I was like sweaty. It was a nightmare. And then it was, she's like, her character was supposed to flirt with me. And so she was like, we have such a nice thing.
And she like rubbed my chest and did my head.
That was like, I'm really sorry about this. I'm sorry. I was just kidding when I said I was super happy. I was just joking about that. She's like, what? I was like, it's a joke. I told her. I don't even know if you heard it. What? Yeah. It's fucking bullshit what Trump's doing about Canada. I don't even understand. It's fucking bullshit. It's fucking terrorist and fucking bullshit, man.
I definitely felt sweat on my chest. Damn. Yeah. You're in the presence of a diva. She's a diva. That's so sick, though. I keep hearing about new divas. There's new divas. I am completely. Divas, yeah. We're too old. I'm out of the diva loop. I'll be back in the diva loop. Be careful. I'll be back in like six years, seven years. Be careful when you get back in the diva loop. Why?
Not bad. Yeah, that would be good.
It takes over your algorithm. Well, I'm saying... I followed Tate McRae on Instagram. You're in the diva loop now. My diva loop's fucking insane. What are the other divas right now? Sabrina Carpenter's a diva. Okay.
They have to be the hot ones? I mean, now you're making us the bad guys, but yeah.
You'd be Netanyahu. Netanyahu? Bibi would be nice. Don't get him started. I might be Bibi, actually. Bibi! Bibi Net.
I've never seen Chapel Rowan. I've never seen Chapel Rowan.
Yeah. That is also right up your alley. Triple room dressing like a drag queen.
It's very all... You got to think for that. But yeah, I just learned this weekend, girls will dress as drag queens. Which is dressing as... It's got a dong face. It's got a dong face.
I love to tell you, I wasn't just watching RuPaul's Drag Race yesterday. Were you really? It was on at my house and Whitney Cummings was on it. Really? She was one of the... Yeah, they did a roast. Yeah. It was great. Roast the drags? That's scary, man.
Yeah. RuPaul's got some conservative ideas. She's anti-trans. I think trans people are not allowed on the show.
I thought that was cool. Yeah, RuPaul kind of rules for that. Damn, that's pretty cool. Just like every other black comedian.
Yo, I did it again this time. I was like... They were like, do you have anything you don't want to do? I was like, I'm just not going to wear a dress. I can't do it. Yeah. From Kat. You can't, bro. Otherwise, I'd be like, yeah, whatever. It's funny. I'm not doing anything wrong. You can't, bro. Now it's... If I put that dress on, it's over, dude. It's over. No, Danny, bro. You can't do it.
No, I'm not. It's tough, though. It's tough to speak up at NBC. It's weird to be in an office and they're like, do you have anything? It's like, I'm just not going to wear a dress. They're like, okay.
Because of Cat Williams? You don't need him on your bumper for sure. Fuck no. I wouldn't want him on my bumper.
yeah dude especially yeah and also it really is like what would the what would a good enough scenario or joke be for you to be in the dress would have to be a dynamite fucking sketch yeah it's Doubtfire Doubtfire there was although Robin Williams couldn't handle it I don't know if I'm allowed to spoil sketches I don't know if I'm allowed to spoil it but there was a very funny Mrs. Doubtfire sketch they're probably maybe they'll use it again because it was good because we didn't use it really really funny
Maybe those guys need to live to 2000. He's the potent of Israel, for sure. Man. You can feel it. It is a blazer tag. The air, the air in here. Now that the boys reported for duty, the air got thick.
Why, they didn't use it because of your... No, no, no. The character would not have been wearing a dress, but he would have been... It was a guy getting confronted that he was Mrs. Doubtfire. Hilarious. That is funny. I hope I didn't spoil it. This is a good one. They'll still rip it. They'll rip it. They'll rip it. And you can go, that was my fucking idea. I said that on my fucking podcast.
I said that on my podcast. Dibs. I want to start fake comedy beefs. I expect that was my joke. Anyone puts out a clip, be like, bro, I've been doing that, dude. People do that. I actually tweeted that six years ago. Yeah, of course. Every single joke is on Twitter. You can find it. Yo, I fucking did that, bro. Oh, that thing with three likes from 2013? Yeah, I saw that and I stole it.
There's got to be a statute of limitations. Bernie Mac's material is up for grabs as far as I'm concerned. Oh, I got dicks on you and I understand. It's up for grabs. I got milk and cookies. You got milk and cookies. True. I got these badass kids. These badass motherfucking kids. I clearly don't even have kids. These badass motherfucking kids. I ain't ashamed. Your family fucked up too.
But yeah, that's awesome. That's nice. That's gotta be so nice to be done with that again. Yeah. It's the most stressful fucking thing. Yeah. Possible. Then. Yeah. Especially a diva throwing a diva on the mix. It's like that would, that might fuck me up a little bit. I wish it was 21 and he got to sit on my lap. Both you guys are wearing dresses. You should push for the next time you do it.
Push for like in all, every sketch has to be gay, like just gay stuff. Yeah, I have to kiss a cast member every single time. Who was that? Not Ben Affleck. Matt Damon. He just went hog wild on that one movie. Liberace. Matt Damon. No, Crystal behind the candelabra. Behind the candelabra. Yeah, yeah. He just went fucking hog wild.
Dude's been acting for like 25 years and he was like, I'll do full gay, like total, total gay. It's got to be there. After you've done it all. I think that came out in a year that people weren't that critical. What do you mean? It was early. It was before the culture wars. It was. So it was right there. Yeah. I mean, it was just on the table. It was a bag, obviously.
Denzel went for it in Gladiator. He got gay bag? How gay was he in Gladiator? I think they had to cut it. What did they do? I think they cut out a scene where he was like making out with guys. And then Denzel, chill.
Just thousand year craft. It's like, okay, we can see you play a cop, but can you play Gilbert Grape? Can you play a gay guy or Gilbert Grape? Gay Gilbert Grape is the ultimate. That would be nice. Why haven't we had that yet? Probably have. It's got to be one. Nobody's played a gay special needs guy yet? I don't think so, man. Maybe Yonk Lee. Forrest Gump had straight A's.
He didn't do anything. Him and Bubba might have fucked around a little bit. That's true, Bubba. Gets lonely on the high seas. Although Gump, yeah, Bubba never made it to the high seas. He also might have sucked Lieutenant Dan. Yeah, he probably sucked Dan. Yeah. Well, I'll be. Man, I'm tired from all that laser tag. Bro, that shit. We didn't even talk about the final match. We got two minutes.
Once they bring us the rations, the movie theater pizza, this is going to be thick in there. It's going to be like the fucking jungles of nominal. It's It's going to be a pure bog. Humidity, 87%. Guys are going to lose their minds, dude.
We could get one more Blaze. We could. We need one more Blaze, honestly. That last match was bullshit.
You need one more, Matt, because this is devastating. I need revenge. At the end, they give you who you killed the most. He killed me. I was getting... I was getting... I only killed Matt. 15 times. I killed Matt 15. I keep forgetting you're in that corner. I would come back right away. The rest was 3, 4, 4, 0, 4, 1. 15 on Matt. Now you got me. I got you 10. I got you 10.
I kept thinking our alliance was still on. I just, the last second, would hesitate. At the beginning, I didn't know what color my team was. Really? Yeah, I was shooting reds. I saw you. I heard you getting kind of confused. Yeah. So I was surrounded by blues. I'm green team. The blues were swarming, man. It leads me to believe where the rest of the reds were. What was your strat?
By the end, we did. We set up on that first platform. That was nice. Our dog was sneaking behind. Cheap shit. We had like a line. Hanging over the balcony. Cheap shit.
I was having fun. You can't, but your gun has that big fucking sensor on it. So you can't hang the gun over the target shot. James never discloses.
What's your strategy?
Yeah. Well, there you have it. I've been all fucking tactical and shit. I love killing.
That's why it felt so good when they were like, red team won. It was that close, bro. We won by 400 points. Ask Bubbles, dude. We won by 400 points. Dude, that's nothing, bro, in a game. That was all your charge-ups and power-ups. That's true, bro. Can we please talk about it? We can look at the scores. Alright, check it out. Premier Woman did get dead last, but I was not that far above her.
Yeah, bro. Yeah, I don't know. I do know that when I was playing against her, I hit her like 40 fucking times.
What else? What else did everybody get? Be honest. She said there was somebody who was just on her bumper shooting her the whole time.
Terminator 2. Sarah O'Connor. Yeah, you're killing it. Dude, Arnold Schwarzenegger's son in White Lotus.
unbelievable yeah he's really funny out of nowhere i don't know why if this was like unscripted but they're like on a yacht and they're about to approach these girls and out of nowhere he goes swastika and just for no reason as they're walking i was in bed holding my stomach laughing really i don't remember that part right on the yacht listen he goes back and they're about to watch it go over to the girls and go swastika and just it was like what the fuck
So funny seeing you yell ad lib. Yeah, I'm interested to see where that goes. It's going to be fun. So good. The girls turning on each other. Wonderful. Yep. Finding out one of them's a Republican, the other two being like, it's so awesome. Yeah, dude, we think we did it. We got time for one more. We'll do the ads in the parking lot. No problem. What are the ads? Yeah. Yeah. MattMcCuster.com.
Please come to the shows. We'll be in Omaha. That's a big one. Please come. Manchester, England next week. Come on.
You know exactly the smell, the snores. Guys are going to be taking naps.
There he is. Hold on. James is on the call. James, you thin team, fat team. Which team? Oh, fat team. Actually, it's a fat room. I don't know. That shirt's looking straight down, bro. Whoa. Is that the definition?
He's slouched. Oh, it's not bad. This is not bad.
But James has lost enough weight. James has been losing, man. In this group, he's right there. That is true.
Did they give you lipo with that haircut? No.
You might be thin-teamed here. I think you're thin-teamed. It would be the honor of my life if I made it to the thin-team.
I might have to start doing thin propaganda.
No offense. You are down right now, PG. You're down on a weight loss journey.
Like two years. Yeah. Lamise, what's the highest you touched?
You guys are some fucking A2, A2 Lancaster cows. This is crazy.
That would be, that is nice. That is the dream. Move to like truly the middle of America and just get as big as you can. That'd be awesome. I'm not kidding. I'm on my way. So nice. And your president wins. You're as fat as you can possibly get. I knew I was right about everything. Oh, man. This is exciting stuff. Do we have anybody else here? There's no con men out there. This is somewhere.
Other than that, I don't know. We got Ahsan. Ahsan's team's skinny, although I don't know where his loyalties lie. Yeah. True. Yeah. Something about him. I don't know if I trust him in there. We're going to have to send waves at each other.
clear out some mines i'm gonna see if we can get a school bus in here for a time oh man sorry that's terrible i got a feeling i'm gonna be really bad at this you might i'm not gonna try there's a couple tactical perches if you grab it it's tough to get you out of there yeah
Because they're secret things you can shoot and they give you power-ups. I don't really fuck with that. I heard that, but it's like I got too many ops out there to be fucking with the power-ups. We're going to have to divide these teams. I know. We can't do fat and skinnies. We're going to have to do... We'll just do the fattest...
darkest complexion to lightest oh i like that we'll do shirts and skins 100 i do have some level of shame oh man um yeah we'll have to figure we'll have to go we'll have to assemble the troops and just look at you know give everyone a good up down
see what's going on it's about you has anyone here got flat feet i'm sure you're out you can't do it chris is colorblind he's out oh yeah shit i'm gay i'm out not allowed to talk about it where's chris he's out playing video games he's preparing probably the arcade probably fucking time crisis right now getting ready That's cheating. Yeah, it's fucking bullshit.
They can't play until we get ready. That'll be bullshit.
Guitar Hero is kind of nice. That's all you need. And they have the basketball. Basketball hoop. Football toss. Ski ball. But yeah, they have a couple of things. Oh, man. Sounds like a woman. That's my wife. My wife found out.
All right. Oh, all right. Here we go. Hey, we're podcasting, man. We're in a good place right now, dude. Come on. Dude, we're podcasting for real.
It was just a funny joke. Hang tight. Hang tight. You can play a game. Wait till we cast. You can blaze. All right, later. Love you. Love you, babe. Love you so much. She's just off a period right now. It's going to be so sick tonight. Dude, this cracked me up the other day. We were at home, and she was washing Maya and Chloe's hair. She was washing Chloe's hair. Maybe Maya's.
Chloe wanted to watch TV, and she was like, I want to watch Gabby's Dollhouse. And she clapped with every word. And I was like, dude, you see that? And Brittany was like, yeah, she's black. And Chloe looked at Brittany and went, I'm not black. You're black. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Just for a two-year-old to be like, you're fucking black. I'm not black. Fuck. She's so mad.
just friendly fire we might send blade we might send spider in his little suicide bomb you guys are gonna shoot him a lot but he's getting a fire i see him pre-loaded on the cheetos he's got the cheetos we're just gonna fucking go all the way did you eat a burrito before you came Thank God.
She doesn't know what it means. My sister's kids have struggled with this.
yeah true how come she's not black yet that's so sick just waiting like i can't wait to my sister yeah my sister's gonna be black soon it's gonna be sick the rest of us turn black around two three that's when i first remember being black oh man god damn that's blazer tag pizza is calling my they're gonna be
yeah people were tearing them up they're gonna be i'm gonna fucking rip it apart oh yeah i'm so hungry bro i've been to a lot of kids here's the thing bro i've been to a lot of kids parties and i've been eating like just play place pizza and it's it does fucking slap it hit your you eat a first slice and you're like all right yeah yeah this fucking rules oh man i haven't done this since i was 12 so laser tag yeah i'm psyched
Dude, this is... It's been probably a decade for me. Last time I was here, my dad's cum was all over his pants. I literally thought about it as soon as I put these pants on. I was like, ooh. I was driving over.
Why does cum glow?
And like a month later, he was like, I have cancer. I was like, sorry, I was making fun of you. But that's the perfect excuse. It was just whiz. It was whiz. Dude, you're struggling. Wait, so whiz and cum shows up in the blackboard? It looked like it was a whiz. I mean, the boy probably wasn't washing the trousers very often. Oh, yeah. That was probably like three months worth of elk's lodge piss.
Bro, if he was just coming like that, I want prostate cancer. True. I'm just glazing. Honestly, he's probably got it. I mean, I should knock on wood.
That's great, man. Load max of prostate cancer? God, I can't wait. I fucking can't wait, dude. You want to get in there? Yeah, let's tag. Let's tag. Let's tag and see what happens. Yeah, for sure. Come back, sweaty. Right back, right back. We'll be right back. Hello to the audio listener. I just wanted to let you know that these sounds are from a video, a GoPro video of the Blazortag match.
Wow, wow, Wes. Hey.
But yeah, I'm like pulling up, and I already struck. He was just sitting there with his family, and he was like...
he was with her family yeah just all right i'm gonna head out for a minute i gotta he got the itch and he was like i ended up being late like it was like they were down there like to visit she's just jacked off in the car bro which would have been crazy that would have been psychotic that's i mean dude hitting being like yo if you guys will excuse me
smelling totally different you just reek of dollar store yeah you mean while you're drenched drenched and just fucking totally relieved yo i hugged a guy this weekend i was drenched did you really yeah why was he drenched i don't know he was oh because it was raining it was raining at the super bowl before we got in the guy came just came in from outside and i was standing like he's a big fan i was like god damn dude you're fucking soaked
By the way, I don't even buy the belts. I go to, well, sometimes when I'm on the road, I will have, I have to buy a belt. I usually just go home and steal Phil's belts. Do you? Every time I'm home, I steal Phil's belts.
I need a belt on stage because I'm already doing, like, the fat shirt tug. Ah, yeah. You toss in adjusting pants on top of the fat shirt tug. Yeah. It's a very active scene. You know what I mean? The guy's constantly... I was hands in pocket all weekend.
He's going to come around and knock in a second and say, yeah, that thing's leaking like crazy. I'm going to go, oh, great. Thing's leaking like a sieve.
I mean, I actually knew all along. Because I'll try to heat it and it barely heats. Yeah. And that thing like backfires. You can hear it like a car. Dude, I'm telling you, man.
Isn't that the only thing he has to declare? Wasn't that him? What? When he got to America, the idea of anything to declare. It was like my genius. Probably.
Okay. Yeah, for the record, that was Oscar Wilde, not James Joyce.
Great whites are so spooky. Dude. I was like, Lemaire, there's no shark. I Googled. I'm like, great whites. I saw a video of a giant hammerhead. What? It's like a different type of hammerhead. They're fucking massive.
He gives forth two sons.
Yeah, I don't want to get confused with Joseph Campbell's interpretation. It is type of interpretations.
There's nothing else.
I know. It is a very dumb head, but it's certainly that can bite you. Yes.
That's so close. That's such a short amount of time.
I would love to spend two minutes.
It's nothing to me.
You sit down two minutes later. My personal experience on it. It's crazy. Love it.
You know what I was thinking when we were going through the lawyer thing? Yeah. Is that like what marriage feels like?
It was just like a, it was like, we've, you know, we've been friends for a while now, you know, let's make it legal. True. We're legally bonded.
yeah let's fucking lay some fucking ground let's work on a bad faith lever here what you want to do is yours mine and ours like let's talk about what's yours let's talk about what's mine let's talk about what's ours that's definitely want to do a prenup um guys introduction and personal no that's a good one that's a great it's a good segue to the next thing host tell a story of a previous valentine's day date night and struggles to find a tailored fit that leaves a little more room for that steak dinner uh
Yeah. One time I went for a steak dinner and I struggled to find a tailored fit. For sure, man. And then I went to a steak dinner and I found a true classic and I said, I'm going to wear this to the steak dinner.
And the true classic tee was, it was good because it accentuated my arms and chest. Oh, dude. My girlfriend was like, yo, your tits look fucking crazy tonight. Your tits look banging. Yeah. Your tits look crazy here. Yeah, she was dying to cup them, dude.
I'm going to go up on you. We were at Valentine's Day dinner. She said, is that a curved hem crew? It accentuates your massive melons. I'm going to go up on you after the steak dinner. Best-selling t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and more are available in three, six, and nine packs. The more you bundle, the more you save. Oh, my God.
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Oh, man. This is good. We did it today. If we did it yesterday, I would have been asleep. Dude, I was sleepy, too, man. That was an insane weekend.
Yep, 200,000 guys.
I'm going to go up on you. Lay down.
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I should include in the disclaimer here, your tits may not look fucking sick in these. We're not sure.
Personally, I've experienced prize picks and I enjoy it.
1,000 times a month.
Think about that.
Run your game. Yes, plug your show.
Yeah, Friday, Saturday. Dude, the one time I went with Bert two years ago, we got there on a Monday. We stayed for a week. Oh, you did? I remember that. We did shows during the week. Yeah, you guys did? That was a week. Weren't you guys staying at a bop house the day before? We were staying at a full-on bop house. With nothing but cameras. Just Bert and his team and cameras.
That's the best way to put it.
Tillich's dimension of depth of course that's how I've been feeling you're in Tillich's dimension of depth that's how that's how I've been feeling lately so that's been a nice feeling to kind of leave I had a feeling have you been caught whacking off lately I know you've been timeless I know you've just been an ageless wanderer but have you been caught jacking off in a bathroom I mean dude like HCE yes I was caught fucking I was tempted
I wish I could tell you. I almost didn't get caught. I had to scamper. Did you really? But she didn't hear the scamper. I survived. Oh, you got... I scampered to the lav. I heard the door open. Scampered. So you got the entrance. I got the skedaddle. I heard the door open. And I skedaddled on back to the lavatory. Bro, that's not like we've been training for that our whole fucking lives, dude.
And every day I'd be like, Shane, we're going to go do activities.
This trip was, it was just the Okama and Tommy down there partying it up. It's good to see the boys get loose.
Yeah. It's sick. Trump and T-Swift. Yeah, dude. Fucking... Her getting booed? I know. That was... I'll be honest. I was in the Eagles section for that. That was a fun boo. That was a... She's wearing a cheap skier. These are Eagles fans. Yeah, because... You know what I mean?
And I thought it was very funny while it was happening. And then I saw like a quote from Travis Kelsey that was like, that sucked. I felt terrible. While I was on the sideline, everyone was just booing my girlfriend. And it was like, yeah, I guess that's really terrible. That'd be sad.
Damn. But that was, yeah, so it probably started last April. I was just hoping you'd say 420. Yeah.
No, this has lasted longer than the Will Smith slap.
Yeah, she was a Chiefs fan. It was all Eagles fans. It's so funny. At the beginning of the game. Of course, everyone's going to be like, ah, fuck you, bitch. Yeah, and there was also, like, she was... People were like, she's ruining football. Before she was on, they were literally showing a Chiefs fan, showing an Eagles fan. Boo. Boo any time it was a Chiefs fan.
Was there that many Phillies people?
It felt like there was more Eagles fans. And there's one thing I noticed. The Chiefs fans are like all old, fat white guys.
They're all just chubby white guys from fucking Kansas and Missouri. Yeah. This is the third one in a row they've been to. Yeah. They didn't like... They didn't care as much. They didn't have the fire in their bellies. Eagles fans were all fucking trash gremlins that were there. Needed it. Yeah, birds. Everywhere you looked, it was Eagles fans.
Nah, come on, man.
You're two-time. I mean, I guess they made it to the Super Bowl, so I guess they weren't relaxing too hard. It's pretty hard to do. That's true. They just got there and couldn't protect their quarterback.
Yeah, I mean, the Chiefs also throw the ball every fucking down. So your defensive line knows they can pass rush every play. And then when you get... When they're down 17, it's like they're going to be throwing the wall. Yeah, fuck. Just send... Just send four.
Poor Reed, though. I went to the after party. Did you really? I got to hold the trophy. It was crazy. Did you raise it? No, I was just like... Yeah, I didn't really take it in. I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's lighter than I thought it'd be. I felt like a real imposter. Why? I don't know. What the fuck am I doing holding those Super Bowl trophies?
Everywhere I go, I feel like a fucking imposter. And that was crazy. Yeah, that is fucking nuts.
It was awesome.
I left before I think things got real crazy. Dude, and that coach, where did he coach before, the guy for the Eagles? Sirianni, I think it was with the Colts. I think it was like an offensive coordinator, I think. And how long has he been there for the Eagles? This is year three.
Yeah. Shit. They're going to have to stop talking shit. Yeah, dude. Reed? Yeah. He was an IUP guy. He coached at Indiana. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I think there's like three guys on the staff that were from IUP. That's crazy. Yeah.
I think he's dressed like a 70s porn star every time. I could be wrong.
I was like, bro, that's all they want. Because, bro, a week fucking... Last season ended in complete disaster. They were 10-1 and then lost every game. Yeah. And then this year, they started out 2-2 with some bad fucking losses. And people were starting to really get on them and be like, we're going to have to fire them. So for the next four weeks, maybe five...
I think he does that. Yeah.
Everyone was just waiting for him to lose one game, and he would probably have been close.
a super very good team and went straight to the super bowl his first year and when coaches do that they usually don't get credit for that i got you that makes sense so he had had a somewhat of a building year the year after that and then the year after was like all right let's see what he does and they fucking exploded yeah terrible yeah so then yeah he was on the hot seat a little then he he's good he's the bro do you think there's a chance they'll go they're the new chiefs that they'll go back and try to get it again i'm
I do. Yeah. I think there's a strong chance. They get a lot of guys back.
They're going to lose some key defensive pieces. Okay. But maybe they won't lose them. They're just up for free agency. Okay. Contracts, I think, should be all right.
It'd be the funniest dynasty of all time.
Oh, that changed. They wear cool outfits.
I was jealous. I was jealous. I mean, even being at the Super Bowl was obviously where you want to be, but Philly would have been fun.
It's like, dude, don't do it, dude. I'm going to go viral committing a crime. It's going to be my face. I'm going to share it.
Yeah, he goes away for a while. Yeah, I beat you. Most of the time.
It better not be.
No rematch. I called it no rematch. Yeah, I don't know. That's kind of like if you want to be the best ever, if you're fucking. Yeah. If you're one thing is beating a guy in a rap battle and then going, I'm done.
Impoverished gladiators. I'm sure they're going to tell the story on Stuff Island, but it was... So we did Bert's show on Saturday night. And that's when the O'Connor man got in. And he got in. He was a little banged up. I think his flight got delayed. I think he wanted to catch up on the way. I got you.
I was watching videos of, I never got to see the halftime performance.
I was making my way up to Trump Dog Suite. That's so sick. But I didn't get to see the performance. We just watched it right now. And I was like, I was only seeing videos online of old guys that were watching the Super Bowl getting filmed by their grandkids that were like, what the hell is he saying? What the hell is going on? And I watched that thing. I was like, I haven't understood one word.
And I know the songs.
I've had this theory since the old test. Yeah, true.
this has been my working theory and now i'm just sitting back and watching it play it's your theory of relativity it is dude you can't be it dude and it's like i'm watching it i'm like yeah dude it's losing like it's not it's uh it's not like the stuff of like a charged counterculture it's been fever pitch and then since then it's been kind of like yeah we're still doing this yeah but no that's that was that was the sense i got off that i'm like oh this is like
It's almost time.
He went first. There's a lot more coming, dude. I know, dude. No shortage of... I kind of like a lot of it, though. The Indian bros. The Indian bros?
And I think he went a little too far.
this country do you hear what he said when he was signing it what he's like and i think the sharks are gonna be okay is they're eating everything in the ocean all right all right man hilarious that is sick to be like sharks can bite anything he's like sharks can bite anything we're gonna sign that what's next i had lamar lamar went in the ocean for the first time this weekend we're in dania beach florida yeah wasn't he at the beach at skank fest he's never gone on the ocean or no the florida comedy festival
I'm like, that's a pretty cool religion, dude. I mean, it's not just all about you guys. How come we're the only ones that get fucking crushed for shit like that? I don't know, dude. Like, if an Indian guy came up and was like, tell me about Jesus Christ. I'd be like, bro. I'd be more than happy. What do you want to know?
So he shows up. But I didn't know he was hammered. So we're sitting there and then Tyreek Hill walks in and he's standing right next to us. And he has his people with him. But Chris was against the wall. Tyreek Hill's right here. We're in the tunnel at the arena. And I just I'm standing next to Chris on the wall. And Chris just reaches through Tyreek Hill's people and grabs his arm.
I think when you grow up with it, it's just like every eight or nine weeks, you and all your bros have to get sticks and swords and fight the Muslim guys with sticks and swords in the street. And then you call it a day and they go, all right.
Have you ever seen their fucking stick and sword fights? They all have Ninja Turtle weapons and they just fucking.
They have the stick fight. God, that's the funniest thing in the world. I'm sucking hitting the fucking face with a stick during the fight.
That is kind of... I think there's also... It's kind of wimpy on some level. White people have been dying to be allowed to be racist. True, true. That is like a Diet Coke kind of racism. Yeah, they go, what about Indian people? And everyone goes, are we allowed to?
It's a dangerous world. It is. If you get into that fucking political clickbait shit. Oh, yeah. They're going to get you, left or right. It's true. They're going to get you.
And they turn around like, what the fuck? And I was like, no, he's my friend because I just met him. And I was like, he's good. He's my buddy. And then they walk away. And I was like, Chris, what the fuck was that? And he was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. As soon as he did that, I was like, oh, you're fucking blacked out, dude. What the fuck are you doing?
But, no, you're not wrong about that. Indian waistline is the ribs.
Because those boys had some pretty high pants over in Deutschland. Kanye pulled his pants up. Kanye pulled his pants up to the moon. Kanye's pants are in the fucking stratosphere. Kanye pulled his pants up too much. Kanye, you got to fucking pull your pants down a little.
I didn't either.
It's been a good read.
All caps. Sometimes you need to slap a bitch or something like that.
I could be securing a bag that no one on earth can see. That's what I'm saying.
I wonder how his swastika t-shirt sold.
You know you're in a sleeper cell. He was a full sleeper cell. I had no idea because I wasn't really talking to him. I was about to go on stage. Then I was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? You don't just grab people's arms.
Shit, I still have seven in my shopping cart. I was getting one for everyone I know.
Yeah, I want to get my mom a swastika t-shirt.
You're good, man.
It's going to be tough to make music with that lingering.
Maybe they unfroze all his fucking accounts. True. Gotcha.
Then I go on stage and apparently while I was on stage, Julian Edelman walks by and Chris goes, can I give you a hug? And he was like, why? And then walked away and Chris was like, oh, So then he's coming back through the tunnel.
The funny thing is, he was like, he did all that, got everything frozen. And he was like, all right, I'm good. I'm good. Sorry about that. They go, all right, here's all your money back.
But that's also the green light to just also pop off on the internet for the most part. Yeah. True. I don't know. It's wild. It is a wild dude. It's a tough one to comprehend.
Or maybe it's the most simple thing ever to comprehend. As soon as a guy says he loves Hitler, you go, shut up.
Hitler was gay. Yeah, true. No one's taking that angle.
yeah it's just that's the thing i'm gonna yeah i guess that's kind of what i'm saying it's like like when i was listening to that hitler book every fucking day yeah listen to it you go this guy sucked dick yeah like there's this whole like thing online where they're like he was actually cool as fuck i don't know if you really look into it it's like he sucked yeah he was really look into it he was truly a baby he was yeah big time baby
Certainly was. He hexed himself. Certainly was bad luck.
I mean, I get it. He doesn't even know the guy. I know. And some guy is standing drunk in the tunnels like, can I give you a hug, man? And then I realized I've hugged every single person that's ever asked for a fucking hug. I'd be like, yeah.
Yeah, he was like, why should I? Why would I hug you? And then Edelman's coming back in the tunnel and apparently Chris went for a super low five. He was walking by and Chris was like... And they said Edelman just was like... No. The fuck? And I was like, dude, of course he did that. I would have thought someone was just purely fucking with me. Like a low five?
I wouldn't have even thought he was giving me a high five.
If I was walking by and somebody was like... Yeah. What are you doing? What is this, man?
Wanting the hug is nuts. And I was like, what the fuck are you asking for a hug for? And he was like, it's Julian Edelman. I love Julian Edelman.
Yeah. But it's like...
Give me the lowest five. That was the O'Connor. And then he carried that shame all weekend. And he was just constantly just, oh. That's so funny. Yeah.
Yeah. The Okan man took that one very personally. I think he punched a wall later. It was quality footage. Somebody just sent me a video of him, like, outside punching a gate. And I was like, oh, man. The Okan man.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I kept getting caught with the beer. That was the bills. That was Gabe.
yeah it is it is wild it's just so many celebs true celebs and you're hammered and you're like holy fuck there he is i gotta go say it it's time this is my one chance man come on i didn't even i just like saw him and reacted to like something that was bubbling like beneath my brain it's like dude you're our only hope you're the chosen one take us to the promised land
No idea what I was talking about. Yeah, I mean, that's exactly what happened to the O'Connor. He saw Julian Edelman and was just like, Julian, can I get a hug from you right now? No.
I mean... I just... I didn't... He was a full sleeper, so I had no idea. He was among us.
I was like, what the fuck happened? He was like, my flight got delayed. I had a couple of whiskeys. I was like... Well, it's a long night. It's fucking 7.30. That's how early it was? It was early, yeah.
That is super early.
I don't know. He's good at Irish accenting. He can hit a good Irish goodbye. Like, out of nowhere, you'll just be like, where's O'Connor? And somebody will be like, he got in a car. Yeah. He just stumbled out. He'll also walk. He'll go on a journey. He'll walk, too. He'll start running. He'll hit a fucking long walk. He used to sprint. I forgot about that.
But he didn't get in the water. He stays away from the water.
He was listening to Bob Seger. Yeah. Every single time. He went on a Bob Seger phase for like three years where he would listen to Like A Rock. He would get hammered and listen to it.
Damn, dude, that's night one. Night one, yeah. And then... That night after Bert's show, me and Zach Bryan did a show at a bar, which was very funny because Zach was like, all right, I'll go first. Then you go on and do some stand-up. And I was like, bro, that would be the worst possible show. Yeah, me first. Of all time. Comedy cannot follow music ever. Never. And he was like, all right, man.
He's like, it's up to you. He's like, that's fine. That'll work. So we go in. It's just a packed show. college, like just young kids packed standing room. Only the stage is like a rug on the floor. There's no stage. And it was, it was like, I went on fair to Midland. Yeah. Fair to very fair to Midland. I was excited to be like, that's it for me, Zach. Right. And then he, he murdered.
And while he was killing, I was like, This is crazy. You thought I was going to follow that with like a jacking off story? Yeah. Yeah, that's impossible. At the end, it was a small bar. And then in the backyard, there was like a construction area, like in a muddy alley, which is where we went after this, just hung out back there.
But from the exit of the bar to the back alley, there was like a pretty big drop into this construction area. And I literally got to the door. There were people behind me. And I was like, watch out. There's a very big drop here. And I just stepped out and rolled my ankle. Oh, my God. I literally looked at what was going to happen. I was like, watch out, guys. You could get hurt on this.
Thank God I didn't fall down. I was so close. I really fucked my ankle up on that. Yeah, dude. How deep? What was you talking like 12 inches? There were just trenches everywhere back there.
No, in New Orleans.
Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, that's tough. There was nothing.
We were there for the national championship. That's what it was. Gotcha.
Down in New Orleans. I love New Orleans.
So I'm sure they've recovered. Isn't that a Juvenile song? Bounce Back? Bounce Back. I'm about to bounce back. I think. Trust me.
No, that's a juvie classic, Bounce Back.
Yeah, there's a bounce-back juvenile. Sick. Nice. Thank God I got that. We have a visitor. That was a weird knock. It was kind of a friendly knock. Who's that rapping? Who's rapping upon my door? Be careful, Sean. Oh, it's Texas Gas Service. Let's see how Guard Dog handles this.
And we're back. Just a minor gas leak in my house.
That would scare me.
I'm going to go get some books. I'm about to read for the next. I'm going to read for 15 minutes, and then I'm going to just wait here. So I'm sitting there. I'm going to come back wet from a shower. My hair is all wet. Fucking bookstore had a shower. You wouldn't believe it.
Fucking take me right now!
It's the Pizzagate.
It's so fucking funny.
Then you take them off when you get to the... Yeah, sneakers on the beach.
Yeah.
It ain't turban. It ain't turban. I think you're not allowed to eat or drink while the sun's up. Really? I know. They wake up early in the morning. They wake up before the sun comes up. Yeah. And then you eat a big breakfast. Yeah. But then, yeah, you're not allowed to drink.
You got bigger fish to fry, dude. You're hungry as fuck. You're hungry as fuck.
I supported you during your juice fast. Can you imagine if a woman did this? I was trying to talk to her about it. You can't.
They will kill you. They would for real. Howard too. I know. We don't have anything to eat in the house because of you, you motherfucker.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I ate that, man. My bad. On day five. And it sounds like you didn't waver. I would have wavered. I would have wavered pretty quick. Dude, I was making breakfast for the family in the morning.
When you were making breakfast, you kind of like, God damn, I'm in complete control.
You love to have a bite.
A little bit of the batter gets on your finger. That doesn't count.
You can have seven pancakes. It doesn't count.
I throw a ball around. You're good at the beach.
Oh, no. You can't be hungry. I spun it, though. I was like, dude, I was just trying to be polite.
You're not allowed to eat the pussy.
That's the whole point.
It's really funny. You too? Come on, man.
I'll die on every single fucking hill. Any hill. Name a hill. I've seen him die on the sand hill before. This is the second sand-related hellish argument.
You need to stop anyway, dude. I'm fed up, dude. I'm sick of it, dude.
Did he? With the... He was a Jewish doctor. There was a clip during that time. He's wearing like a ski mask and a bubble vest. Just like, I don't know. I might be autistic. Yeah, bro. Or you got dinged up in that car accident. His head. Yeah, true. I think it's his head from the car accident.
Kind of got a little rowdy ever since then. That makes sense. But that was right when he got famous too. Yeah, it's hard to say. But it is a nice move. Fame and a wild traumatic brain injury will... That'll lead you to Hitler.
Eventually you go, oh, fucking Hitler.
Bryce Mitchell. Yeah, I saw Bryce Mitchell.
It's embarrassing how...
Yeah, I saw it. It was great. He was like, he's the dumbest guy I've ever talked to. It's actually a nice fucking, that's a good thing to have your boss go out and be like, look, he's a fucking moron. I'm not going to fire him. He's a dumbass.
Yeah, I mean, that clip started with these, because I've done my own research, not what the government indoctrinated me with. It just happened to Dan Bilzerian, didn't it? Bilzerian's been on it. He's been on that? Israel-Palestine kicked it off.
He's been real. Israel-Palestine took a nasty little turn for me last night. What happened? I was watching the Netanyahu-Trump press conference live.
You better get your boy in check, dude.
No, you're here. Starting to fast on Sundays. That's me. I've had enough. We're talking about your homeland. Fast is off. We're talking about your homeland. Fair. That's fair. That's fair. That is my leader, Netanyahu, like it or not. No, your boy Donnie T got a little... He said we're gonna just take over Gaza. He was like, America's just gonna take over Gaza, and we're gonna make it really nice.
We cannot talk sand. A con man has an intense relationship with sand.
We're gonna make it the Riviera of the Mediterranean.
No, I watched him say it. Really? Yeah, he was like, we're just gonna take over Gaza. And it's gonna be nice. And they're like, what about all the people there? He's like, they're not gonna be there. We're gonna make them go to Jordan and Egypt, and then they can come back. It'll be nice.
Yeah.
A couple slingshots.
I agree. That's pretty dastardly. What the fuck is he talking about? No water socks. No. This is American territory now.
I think they swim in full fucking white pajamas. I think so. Oh, they might. Yeah. I think so.
I'm not saying they're an asshole. I'm saying they're weird. I'm saying sometimes... If they're what?
It's like he was, he did it. He just has the most basic ideas that technically he's like, we can't go back to what we're doing because it's not going to work. If we just go with the two state solution right now, it's going to be a war again. Yeah. And then, I mean, I don't know. One cool, but it was, it was bad. Yeah. I wish he didn't say that.
I don't think there's a politician in America that's not. Yeah. Other than, yeah.
Bernie's obviously it. He's conflicted. Yeah, there's Omar Ilyan, whatever that lady's name is.
That is my opinion. Let's stay out of this. It's none of my business.
You don't know that yet. I know. If Trump turns that thing around. Yeah. Sure.
Now this is all making sense. This is a really small area and it could get it done. Yeah. But, you know, it would. Where are they going to go, though? You have to displace two million people.
They killed a lot. Yeah, the whole thing's fucked.
Donkey Kong roller coasters? Shit. Minecart roller coasters? Yeah, I thought of that. Subterranean log flume?
Well, shit, what the fuck is that? Fuck! You might hit some Jewish tunnels as well. True.
Probably.
He's funny.
No matter how you slice it. Cartels, super Jews, and Muslims. Sometimes there's cool ones. Like French resistance. Occupied Germany. For the most part, yeah.
There's a lot of drama on the surface. If your drama is so intense that you can't be on the surface of the earth... You're in trouble. The surface is too hot. We're going to have to go on the ground for a few years.
The ops are everywhere.
He said it's been real oppy outside. He said he checked the weather. It's getting real oppy outside in Gaza.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But... Yeah, I don't think we were bombing civilians at such a high rate. Yeah, true. Well, yeah, hopefully we're at least trying not to do that, but... Yeah, dude.
I know. He was like, I mean, I don't want to be, I don't want to say the wrong thing, but it's going to be so nice. He was like, of course the people, but also it's going to be so nice. Dude, I watched the whole thing. He's nuts. I mean, it's fun to watch if he's not talking about, you know, kind of a genocide.
If he's not talking about ethnic cleansing, it's really fun. Yeah.
I mean he might just be the ultimate optimist he's being really optimistic about it really rose tinted glasses like look guys I know this is sad you know you've seen the footage but yeah what was the plan for getting him out by boat he wouldn't really answer yeah he's because Jordan and Egypt both said they wouldn't take Palestinians and he was like I bet they will so that was his answer for that I mean that's a fair point yeah yeah yeah but dude they're gonna attack the park
They're going to attack the park.
They're going to attack the cool park.
I'm not going to the Six Flags in Gaza. No. Getting attacked while you're on a roller coaster? Not for me.
Just drunk, peeing in a lazy river. Yeah, no. Not happening.
but yeah, it would take at least, yeah, it would take forever.
Yeah. There's footage of that. Like of like when the Taliban came back, they got ahold of some, remember that they were riding like duck boats and ponds and shit. They're dancing. Yeah. Like a good time. AK 47s and duck boats. Yeah. Yeah.
It's a power vacuum, so somebody awful is going to get on this ride.
Yeah, but he was talking about sending our boys over there. Ah, no. Can't do it. No. What are we talking about? That's why the whole point of electing him was to not send our guys overseas. I know. That'd be some bull. Day fucking 20.
That was a take I heard on X. It's for real what he's talking about. He's like, it's the best piece of property in the world.
the gaza strip i mean he could for real there is that's the other part like i was like i was watching it and i was like no don't say that you fucking idiot and then i went and floated in my pool i was like damn if he fucking gets peace in the middle east and a sick ass fucking just and a thing that america owned like he was like we're not gonna give it up with something we can
It would just be a territory or something?
Well, no, that's for real what the plan is.
But seeing Netanyahu sitting right next to him, like... That's a bad sign. It's definitely yours. It's definitely not absolutely ours.
Yeah, it's yours. Here's a video of you and a child we got at Epstein's house. Are you sure that's yours?
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah. I think the Panamanians went in there and got a little rowdy on them. Yeah, I think so. And then we were like, thanks, fellas.
Yeah.
Yeah. Were they mostly Panamanian? Were they Panamaniacs?
Oh, yeah.
It's the nice idea to be like, oh, we should give it to Panama. It's in their land or whatever. China just immediately took it over. As soon as we were like, Panama, you can have it. Contracts straight to China. What? Yeah, bro.
Take that back. Give it back. We built it.
Gulf of America, which didn't sound as embarrassing until he was like, Gaza's ours too. You go, bah. God damn it, dude. I thought you were just being funny.
Yeah.
Google Maps has to do it. Oh, Google did it. Google's going to do it. Yeah, true. It makes literally no difference at all.
I think he just signed probably on the desk where he... Yeah.
Next.
Only for sexual activities.
I've taken them. Got a giant rock-hard boner. Did you really? Yep.
Yeah, it was the hardest I've ever gotten.
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Beezer's literally the only white guy I've ever seen. I bet. Unless you're a local. Actually, my cousin Frank did it. Yeah. He wore sneakers on the beach.
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Yeah, the aqua socks. That's a pretty big honky. Yeah. Aqua socks are definitely the honks. I don't think there's just honks. That is, for sure. Yeah.
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Dania, you get there.
Manchester, England. St. Pete, Las Vegas, SeanGardini.com. Thank you. God bless you. That was unfortunate timing for the anti-DEI people. Oh, yeah. The helicopter pilot. Yeah, dude.
Yeah, that's not it. Makes no sense. No, it definitely doesn't make sense.
I heard they went quiet for a while, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense. They were talking to him, though. Yeah. I listened to the audio on Jones.
They were just kind of like, hey, what are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Yeah, they're like, the plane has the right of way. You got to chill.
Yeah, I had to fly the next day. I had to fly the next day. We were on a plane just going. If it goes down like that, though, those people didn't feel a fucking thing. That was a missile. They passed out in the sky, for sure. That thing was going fucking nine million miles an hour. Oh yeah, I saw that. Who? Philly just got crashed. No, he didn't survive the crash. That was somebody who got hit.
He got crashed on.
If that guy survived that plane crash and walked out, that's a superhero, dude. Beast. You saw a superhero. Did you see how fast that thing went? Yeah, that was a bomb.
It was going too fast.
Yeah, it was scary getting on a plane. And it's crazy to be mad, dude. That's what I took to the bottle on the flight back. I bet. And it was a bad Monday. Really? Great Sunday on the flight back. At least you didn't crash. True. You get enough vodka up there, you go, I'll fucking die.
Half flapping off the foot. Wife beater's on still. Well, you gotta keep the beater on. No, you don't. It becomes see-through. It looks fucking crazy. It does. It just sees your wet nipples through the fucking... It's fucking weird. I got no defense for it. It just feels right. It's immediately see-through.
I told my lady about it, and she was like, oh, is this like when you saw the drone? I was like, you saw the drone with me. Are you telling me you were lying?
That's crazy. Yeah, I was fucked up. You saw the drone?
It was a real drone? Yeah. I even called Chris a week later to go, did you actually think it was a drone, or were you just being nice to me when I said it was a drone? He was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I was like, all right, just making sure you weren't just being nice. Because I've been running my mouth about this drone.
I've been sitting out in that fucking pool every night going.
Yeah, it was low.
No, these were very clearly bald eagles. Thank God there were tons of witnesses.
Birds of prey are nice.
It's not a fucking hawk.
I can spot a turkey buzzard. Yeah. I can get those guys. I'd get tricked by the turkey buzzards all the time. Turkey vultures have those little tiny heads. It's pretty easy.
They're bigger than hawks.
I'm good with hawks. I'm...
They were in my backyard every day in Westchester. There's like four of them that were in these trees right behind me. There was a big-ass owl. What? That would hoot at night.
No. Just, like, across a room? Yeah.
Yeah, you can't hear his wings. Really? Yeah, it's pretty sick. There's an animal that lives on this roof that...
occasionally just sprint sounds like it has two legs it sounds like a guy probably it is huge dude i had a raccoon on my roof it sounds like a person on your roof dude and then it'll just stand still for three days and then three days you've heard this fucking thing just sprints across the roof at nighttime or during the daytime or nighttime all time anytime bro okay he's got no he's got no clock
You'd think it'd just be nighttime, yeah.
I know, I'd like to be able to see up there. I want to see that guy. I'm going to need to get a drone. His days are numbered. There's no way he can do the summer on the roof up there. He's sprinting up there. I think he just goes in that tree. Oh, yeah, true. It kind of touches the roof. True.
He cools out up there. Yeah.
You've heard them sprint. Big boy, yeah. He's fucking huge. His legs are going to come through the ceiling while he's there. He's going to be wearing shoes.
I'll toss some dogs up there. Toss some hot dogs. Toss some dogs, dude. See how many animals I can get living up there. Just keep throwing food up there.
Dude, we had something that was killing animals around this house. We would hear it all the time. You remember? Like, in the middle of the night, you're just like... That's raccoons.
I thought it was possums.
I was just looking for a scout. Coons? I'll just brush them off the porch with a broom.
That's not me. That's Don Axe.
He's doing good.
There's someone in the replay. Turns out Tom Hanks, not a pedophile. We're going not a pedophile.
You guys swim like it's the 1920s. Everyone's in full suits.
They're still in the film room on Big Mike right now. They're still analyzing tape. Going to New York. They're going to the headquarters.
That one actually could be.
How much older? Wasn't it like his teacher?
She had time.
They hooked her up with a good picture.
Never mind.
McCrone's wife is 71. Whoa. Yeah.
Yeah, she's way older than him, dude. She was his fucking, like, teacher when he was real young. He was, like, 12. Very French. Very French. She was 39. He was 15. Whoa. I mean...
He was a minor, and Macron has described it as a love often clandestine, often hidden, misunderstood by many before imposing itself.
It's not sexy, shut up. I hate fucking dudes being sexy. Fucking pisses me off every time. Imagine the likes of Paris.
I've seen it go the other way, but yes. I've seen it go the other way a lot of times.
Not romantic.
We were watching some Catch a Predator. We were watching Catch a Predator. With throwback actions.
Bro, one or two things happened. That's like saying you guys make it so we can't go to gas stations. We still go. It's just a risk. Why would we acid our own pools? There was a couple times where people were tossing it in. Some acid? Yeah, black people got in the pool and they're like, ah, ah, ah.
How did I get here? That is not my text message. That is not my beautiful text. I just remember one guy being crazy for the Nats. He was a Nationals baseball fan. His username was crazy for the Nats. And he's on there like, yeah, I'll fucking de-shape your pussy. Crazy for the Nats. It's almost more embarrassing than the text.
No. Did you text this kid? Yeah. Yeah, I did. That is not my fucking screen name.
I don't know. They let Obama in. And he sucked. He seemed to have kept it of age.
Barry?
I didn't know any people were talking about it. John Podesta is going down today. His aide. Good.
I think that was a real one.
I was listening to War Mode today about it. The what? They were fired off about it. Were they fired off about the Pizzagate? Yeah, yeah. They maintain Pizzagate's never been debunked. Well, the guy went in there with a gun, right? Yeah, and apparently he shot, I don't know. I don't know. I'm getting it from War Mode. Sure. His one shot went into the hard drive of the, I don't fucking know. Really?
But I think that guy just got killed. Did he really? I think, yeah, some cops rolled up on him and they were like, oh, he's got a gun and executed him.
It'd be like Ellen talking to Diddy, like, oh, when are we going to have another pizza party?
Although Sandler was on one of those clips I saw saying they have the best pizza parties. And it's like, bro, I know the Sandman's not involved. So they're just legit talking pizza parties.
That's not, that wasn't like a fucking common occurrence.
They could trick cool guys. They could bring the Sandman in and go, we actually are having pizza parties. Talk about the pizza parties. True.
I don't know. I feel like you kind of age out. You'd have to arm yourself. I've never had a real good pizza party. If there's a pizza party, I'm leaving there just... That's a good pizza party. That's a terrible pizza party.
Sandman, I think, saw a clip of the Sandman. I think he was on Ellen talking about how good the pizza parties were. Crazy. Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know, man. And hot dogs. Hot dogs are sus. I know they're not eating dogs like that. Nah. I love you, Chicago. Obama?
Yeah.
I can't believe you tried to put not being able to swim on us.
It's been a while.
The hot babe is the nicest rumor.
He got in front of black people like, come on, brothers. I know. Y'all ain't black if y'all ain't voting for Kamala.
Although you could, you could. You could with urban, like being forced into a city without pools. That's the one way you could do it. Yeah. I'll take it. That actually, I mean, you could if you wanted to find the root of all your problems with white people. You could. Yeah. There is an argument. But swimming, come on, man.
That was right when it was coming. It was pretty clear that the black vote was starting to swing more towards Trump than it ever had.
I mean, or you could get in an Uber and talk to a black guy. Yeah, true. Every single black guy I knew.
It's true. You can get ousted, bro. Republicans do a good job of that with men. Yeah. Because you vote for a fucking Democrat? What are you, gay pussy? It's true. I might perpetrate that sometimes. It's nice. I might be a perpetrator. You're a dude who voted Democrat? I've seen that. That's so embarrassing.
He might. You never know. Yeah. He might. He's going to be gazed up at the end of this run. Yeah. He might go out. How old is he now? He's like 80, bro. He's probably 79. He eats bad, too. He could go through an FDR phase. No, he's at least 70. In the wheelchair? I think he's 79. Is he 79?
We're going to bring him in as our guest. It's a pizza party. We should stick a tripod up there. We do have to talk a lot of Hell Let Loose. Oh, yeah. We got to talk Hell Let Loose. Hell Let Loose is incredible. Join us on the Patreon.
Take the ferry?
Oh, you're saying to the beach. I was just talking like pools. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's tough.
Matt, why don't you tell us what's going on with you? Because you got to be. You're talking about fasting? You can't wait to talk about it.
It's the cat who swallowed the canary. He's ready to talk.
Oh, my God. I would have never guessed that. Me either. You'd think they'd be able to...
Chris bought me with the if you can poop, you can fart idea.
It's really just... Rats cannot fart. Yes, rats can fart.
One year ago. Today I learned that rats can fart. Mice don't fart.
Why can't they fart? So rats can fart. Yes, rats can pass gas. In fact, rats produce the most intestinal gas when fed dried skim milk. What? Get some milk going out there. Let the boys turn your garden into a fucking fart den.
When did you surprise go to the beach? It's not that I prefer it. When did you surprise go to the beach?
Yeah, that looks like a mouse to me.
Good for them.
If it was Jackson already, he was a farting dog.
How much worse could he get?
How come mice can't fart? Yeah, it's true.
It's just got to be the way their bodies just can't. Mice can fart. What? What? Yeah.
The misconception that mice can't fart likely stems from the idea that they can't burp or vomit to release gas, which is true. This is also AI. AI is, who knows?
I think any other, it says like any mammal, they can pass. I think every mammal can fart.
I don't want to hear that shit.
I forgot. You've had a lifetime of torturing these fuckers.
I just got to get this in before you guys attack me. I'm not yelling.
True.
Yeah. You'd have to kill him.
They're so good.
Fresh tomatoes are so good.
Fuck those tomatoes.
Yeah, man. What y'all fools up to? I'm just thinking about your fast. Oh, dude. I'd like to hear about it.
Easy. Easy.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're supporting us.
100%.
It's over.
This is a quiet, slow blowjob.
He's like, the fuck are you doing, man?
Interesting.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Maybe eventually they'll take it down.
Thank you, brother. Hell yeah.
Carlo Gambino. Carlo Gambino's kid. That was the most Italian thing I've ever seen. DeFecchio's fucking sandwich shop. It's Italian autism.
He's trying to go straight to the source.
I knew him way back when he was famous. I can confirm that cock, dude. I saw it in high school, bro.
Say it like
Yeah, you had to be like, dude, his dick's huge.
Wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild, wild,
Yeah, it is interesting.
We talked about this. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to coulda, woulda, shoulda, but he could have just fell back and just been the greatest producer loved around the world. Yeah. But is he a billionaire? That's the one thing I can't wrap my head around. I'm like, you're a billionaire?
Yeah, but then he said he is again now. He's like, I'm back. He's like, I'm a billionaire again. Kind of awesome. So he's a billionaire. Wow. Sick.
He's doing jujitsu and shit now. I'm telling you, I think that's like brand. You get guys to manage your brand for you. So that's like a full stylist, PR, brand management, total self-reinvention.
That is nice. No, I just get my kids wake up at like 7 a.m. So it's either I get up before them or I get woken up to just like a kid through a monitor. Like, yeah, it's like for real. The worst fucking way to wake up because you have to get you have to get out of bed and like go to action right away. So if you get up before them, you like chill, relax. Yeah. Drink my coffee.
Yeah, I mean, it does suck to have – Zuckerberg's got to be, what, like a couple hundred billion or a hundred billion maybe? Yeah.
185 billion dollars have 185 billion and then being like i have to be able to figure out cool it's like i've got to be an algorithm there's got to be it's an algorithm algorithm there's an algo and he's kind of hitting the years he's all dressed like a black guy yeah i figured that out in seventh grade and then in eighth grade you go it's not cool when i do it
Yeah. All right. Me and my cousin and my bro Phil would just get crushed. We'd show up at family parties and everyone would be like, what the fuck? My cousin Pat had a Wu-Tang charm. So tight, dude. So icy. I just had the Jesus piece. You had a Jesus piece in seventh grade? It was a little smaller. Maybe I just did a... Did I have the J? We all had charms at one point. Charms?
That was the big one. You would go to fucking Sterling Silver or wherever in the mall, and we would cop our silver chain. I was three small loops, one long loop. My cousin was Cuban Lynx.
Cuban Lynx with the Wu-Tang charm was nasty. I got to remember what my charm was. I'm pretty sure it was just a cross if I know myself. Damn.
i never got a chain never had the chain i couldn't i never did it oh dude i was my friend got caught stealing one from the mall was the funniest fucking thing i've ever seen he switched his took a bigger one it was like it was in like seventh grade there was a silver chains that were like 132 dollars might as well have been a root like a six inch ruby yeah that's crazy i was like dude you're fucking going for it and he put it on walked out as soon as we stepped out a guy came out went on his shoulder me and my cousin were just like later
He had to sit in the mall security booth until his dad came into the mall to pick him up.
I would have done anything to get out of that.
I would have been full casting couch.
I would have got onto the mall security. I would have been in dog. I would have initiated it.
Nasty little power bottom. Getting caught stealing at the mall would have been the apocalypse.
I would have gotten in so much fucking trouble.
And then it's like, you'll hear them wake up. You're like, sweet.
I had the puka shells at the beach. I'd hit the boardwalk, try to get numbers. This is so sick, though. Puka shells, sunburned, beyond recognition. Yeah, the puka shells were sick.
I had the pukas, bro.
Yeah, we would try to go get numbers from the babes at the beach. That would fall apart, and then we would just do horrendous, horrible pranks. The poop dollar was the worst.
I will say, sticking the dollar up between the boardwalk cracks, people would grab it and pull it down. Nothing better. Yeah, that's great. So funny. Wait, it'd be a poop dollar? No, you'd leave the poop dollar. You want them to pick that up, and they go, sweet, and they go...
that's fun but you can also put you can also put a dollar between the cracks of the boardwalk technically the promenade I guess you can stick it through and people are like fuck yeah and they go they put their foot down on it and then they lift it up and it's gone it's so funny there's a bunch of 12 year olds laughing at you but you have every you have to take turns because you want to watch because boardwalk guy you couldn't see underneath so you get to watch your boy do it and it was the funniest shit so funny
Yeah, you pop up. Because the only alternative is like, they're fine. And then you wait and wait and wait. And that can turn into just like the rest of their life, really, if you want to fucking tell them. Yeah, you can just leave.
Yeah, dude, for real. I literally, I'll second that. That's like my, that's why I love the beach so much. Yeah. My aunts and uncles would just go get after it all day. They'd be done by nine o'clock. They're just, just destroyed. They'd be in a room and we would just have a cooler that had beer sitting in it from noon at like 8 PM.
And we would just devastate the, and they'd all wake up and be like, Were you guys drinking beer last night? I'm like, yeah. Well, you guys were. You fucking drunk. They would try to do, like, the math, and they were just like, there's no way.
But the one time we got caught was we were, like, hiding the beer cans under our bed for some reason, and my aunt just, like, set them out and just wrote a note that said, who drank me? We just saw them. Fuck.
Yeah, I used to get so fucked up at the beach. It was so fun. That was like honestly one of my fondest memories of like when you're drinking beer and you're like you've been inside the house and you step out and it's like you smell that salt air and you're like kind of hammered.
Bro, it was the best. still is yeah true nothing beats it but as dude that's like a fucking 14 15 year old it is truly getting drunk with no hangover so sick zero hangover you just go out it'd be two in the morning the bars are let out we just walk past like drunk adults and be like pussy fuck you
no no you guys were talking about the reading squad never got to the beach we just would drink hurricanes at the park at 3 a.m it was that's probably it was actually the best yeah i had a hurricane phase dude three for five hurricanes was an unbeatable deal could beat it i would go i would i had a guitar case i would keep outside i'd walk from the bar back to my dorms they would just sell in west philly they would sell hurricanes to anybody yeah and i mean whatever else probably too and then like
I would come back, load up a guitar case with as many hurricanes as I could fit and just walk into my dorm like... So tight. I can never drink the third hurricane. I knew people I could drink all three, and I was like, dude, I got two, and I got half of that third one done. I was just like, I'm at capacity.
Anything will help them.
Four Locos were a bad time. Four Locos. I kind of missed Four Locos. I didn't really get hit by the Four Locos. I got hit.
I got sparks.
i had sparks sparks were sick yeah sparks were nice but i never got the four locos i had nelly i was it juiced nelly threw his hat yeah nelly threw his hat in the ring of energy drink uh alcohol and i think it was j-o-o-s-e drank some juice one night blacked out i was down in like north carolina somewhere completely blacked out It was bad.
A little boy named Sue. I made you stronger. I've been looking at schools. We finally found one. Dude, it's such a fucking insane process now to find, like, schools for kids. Yeah. We, like, looked at them. It's insane. We looked at a bunch of schools, and then what a lot of them do, I noticed, they, like, card out their eighth graders.
Fuck. Dang, bro. You were unk before you even knew it.
i really i bet he's gone he might be the new onk oh yeah 100 million's yours dude the root turned on onk big time yeah vicious article about and it was like mean it was like not even about his case they were like let's all talk about what everyone's thinking he's just dumb it's like damn it was mean like he's like let's all face it he's just a fucking dumb ass i know that wasn't a honky that wrote that one
I don't think so.
It better not be, man. I don't think The Root would have allowed a honky to fucking rip it like that.
I mean, it was funny. They're like, yeah, dude, he's a fucking... Let a honky rip it like that. I'm just going to say it. This guy's dumb as hell.
Yeah, they were just saying he should have signed NDAs. Why does he not have control of his sex tape? They're bringing up fair points, honestly. They're like, dude, he just got busted for this. But also, he's probably got crazy sex. A ton of them. There are dudes. There's a strain of dude that has to film every encounter.
I'm not going to lie.
I got you.
I think that was just a smash.
Dude, I just invested in two bug tanks. I got two bug tanks from National Geographic. So they have a little magnifying glass on them. I got not one, but two. What type of bugs are you going to put in there? Right now, we've only gotten some roly polies. So you can throw them in there, create their natural habitat, and you can kind of like... I'd like to see what roly-polies are up to.
Bro, I got... I catch like... Me and my daughters catch like four roly-polies a day and put them in my garden.
It's awesome. I have so many roly-polies. So yeah, I got... The bug tank's nice, man. Because otherwise, you got to carry them in your... You ever try to carry a roly-poly in your hand for like... They fucking... They're escape artists. So, yeah, I got some bug tanks.
Yeah, yeah.
as like give you a look say this is what we do these kids out but then they come out they're like fucking robots dude these kids come out and they're like uh my passion is and it's like who's back there hitting you with fucking bamboo sticks when i was in eighth grade if they pull me out in front of parents like what do you like about school i've been like i don't know zero eye contact yeah like recess recess i don't know if i was math socks these kids are coming out like they're running for fucking president they're like well i'm actually going to a very real runs like
Yeah. I think it's nice. I think it's a nice thing to do.
Like how dumb your family is.
How you're doomed. Yeah.
No tokens. I tried. You cannot use tokens.
Get in front of the camera.
Yeah, get in front of the camera.
This weekend, this very weekend, Cobb's Comedy Club, San Francisco, California, 5-1 to 5-3. Crest Theater, Sacramento, California. Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington. And the Hollywood Improv. Neptune's awesome. Neptune should be sick. You'll get some really good shows. I know. Final leg for the taping. Those are all great venues. I'm pumped, man. And also, I'll be doing a live taping at the...
Ontario, California improv coming up. I didn't list it yet. It's going to be great.
I can't wait.
Oh, bro.
Macchiato's hitting. Dang. I'm a big espresso guy now. Yeah. Sabrina. Shots of it. What'd you say? Sabrina Carpenter. Who's Sabrina Carpenter? It's just me, espresso. Dude, you know what I've been thinking about? Did you see the whole thing now about, I think it's kind of already out of the news cycle, but white rappers getting crushed for going country? Getting what?
Getting crushed for, like, people who were white rappers that now are doing country. Oh, like Post? Yeah, well, there's a couple others, not just him. Well, it's like there's Machine Gun Kelly, not country specifically, but him going to punk music, blah, blah, blah. They tried to get, uh... They were saying something about Post Malone.
But it's also, like, Beyonce's doing country. He's a fucking beast. Beyonce's doing country. Which is fine. I don't care. Why are you attacking my fucking... My people invented country. Fair enough.
And it's also like, dude, I'm all about the bag, dude. They're getting the bag.
For what? What did he do?
Yeah, but it's fully rapping.
What the fuck?
My thing is like, okay, what about the bag, dude? It's the bag.
That was, dude, Jim Jones had the best take on the whole, whatchamacallit, Drake suing UMG. Yeah. They're like, the only thing that's bad for hip hop, and Jim Jones was on someone's podcast, and he was like, bro, he's getting the bag. I was like, yeah, I'm kind of with that.
And it works. You might have wrote that article at the root.
I'm on white Twitter, bro.
It helps. My ex is for real. I open it, and it's like, holy fuck. It's like, can we all agree that they're just not good? And I'm like, yeah, yo.
It's got to be a business model thing. It's just a business model thing, though. It is. It's the algorithm. Yeah.
Well, that's shit about how they claim that they can literally watch your micro-expressions as you read stuff, and they'll go, yep, and they'll keep feeding you shit like that. Watch me go.
I read a thing years ago, and they said they were watching your face through your camera and gauging how long you're staying on a thing, all that stuff. God. If you got the wearables, they can literally track your biometrics and be like, it's working on you. Yeah. It's not working on me, dude. Why do they keep sending it to me? Why do they keep sending me these fucking hot ladies?
Yeah, they notice, too, because they go, it's like, scroll, stack up for a second, down, back up.
I cast a wide net. Yeah, I have a rule of thumb. I feel like if you're with... I feel like if you're with a babe and she can gain weight, but the freak has to increase with the weight. So the bigger they get, the bigger of a freak they have to become. That's my rule of thumb. That's totally fair. You can get as big as you want, but you've got to become. You're talking about pig wife.
Yeah, the bigger you get. A true pig wife. Exactly. Yes. For every pound, for every 10, let's say every 10 pounds has got to be a new thing you unlock that you do.
Just to come out and be like, I'm very deeply, I'm actually working with my community right now.
I bet she's a... You gotta dial up the freak. She must be a pig wife. I'm not trying to be a dick. That is just my rule of thumb. People can do whatever they want. You are free to gain as much as you please. Every 10, 20 pounds. It'd be like an RPG. You've got to unlock a new thing. Oh, yeah. It's like, well.
I'm doing it for us. But that would be, I mean, imagine that. For every 20 LBs, it's just like a new act where you're like, whoa. Damn, I'd be a freak bitch.
I'm a freak bull. True, man. You'd just be at one point and be like, I just got to hit a ditty party, bro. I have not been going to the gym. I just got to go deep now. I'd be willing to see what my – there's got to be like the X and Y axis. Yeah. I wonder where you would tap out at.
When the weight goes up, the X, you go further out, the X axis.
C student energy for sure.
Give me your arm. The crane comes in, you're just like, no. You can't take my blob. Hold on, let me get her back in his rabbit hutch. Blob wife.
Pure Jabba the Hutt. Let me Jabba the Slut, dude. He's Jabba the Slut.
You'd be like Han Solo on the edge of that fucking ring.
It would be. I mean, again, it's like you have to use your imagination, but you could probably go pretty. It'd be pretty wild.
Yeah. And then you would start with you. I've talked about feeders and gainers. You know what feeders and gainers are, Nate?
no a feeder and a gainer it's a feeder and gainer feeders and gators it's a fetish i i like talked about this to someone recently like assuming he knew what i was talking about he's like what the fuck what dude like a bit of a feeder aren't you so a feeder is when you so they think so if you're a gainer you're just someone who's you're you're yeah you're just going to feed them your fetish is getting people fat yeah and their fetish is becoming your little fat blob
And you can just get into that whole thing where it's like, yeah, eat up, babe. I look like a dabble in different types of love.
Oh, the live show was last night. Yeah. So you were with the babes.
P-I-T-M, babe crew.
What do you think about getting something of a mascot for PITM? Maybe a blob. You guys could get a blob.
I don't understand.
Not even a confrontation. It's like an exploration.
What?
It wasn't me. She laughed. So it's like there's another level you can unlock for that.
What about if you exhibit the blob? Wait, what if what? Exhibit the blob.
No, I'm saying just get a PR company just to take pictures of your scantily clad blob and publish it.
Now we're talking pimping.
Now we're talking we're pimping the blob.
Once we start pitting for the blob, but you all hit piercing pagoda, you get like the $132 silver change. That would be so sick.
You can find a blob pretty easy. We got to get a Dumbo drop, though, bro. I don't feel like growing my blob. I don't have the patience to grow my blob.
This whole operation would fall apart. It would be nothing but infighting. Like, dude, I saw you with the blob. What the fuck?
A guy hit me up recently. He was like, you can buy, apparently, gorilla food, and it's like the same macros for people, but it's like $2 a day. So.
No, I'm saying I would never feed. I would feed the blob. The blob is fucking queen, dude. That'd be Uber Eats. Feeding the blob gorilla food would be fucked. If you fell on hard times, you'd have no other choice than to feed her. You'd have to feed.
You can buy apparently like primate food and it's like the same macros and it's like human grade. It's like $3. Some guy was like, you think I should do this? I was like, I don't know, dude. I was like, if you want. Yeah. He's like, it's so cheap. This is true. It'd be pretty fucking sick just crushing gorilla feed. It's probably terrible. Oh, it's got to be so bad. Yeah.
You might as well just do the McDonald's. It's a little omnivore. Did you ever see those guys? Yeah, true. No, aren't they omnivores? No, I think gorillas are herbivores. Yeah, what the fuck? Those macros must be fucked.
That'd be nice. Yeah, you could really feed chimpanzees. Has anyone put a gorilla on steroids before? Shit. That would be sick. That's, we need another pool house for our juiced up gorilla.
Now we're getting into the darker quarters of the internet. Horse comes to shove.
Getting held back senior year is insane.
You teach it sign language. It's just going, take me to the blob.
One day they would come take your blob. Once a lady's 600 pounds... The government would find out. Once a lady's 600 pounds, the government comes and she just goes, the claw, and it comes down. Did you ever see Toy Story? The claw.
They'd be in a big machine like a pizza planet. The claw.
We would for sure have to.
No. We need some grazing land, too. Just get, like, little ash-o-turf.
Some fixer uppers.
No.
True.
This is what it is. Take them away.
You got to be careful, dude. You get black YouTubers, be like, that blob's a clone.
It turns out your pool house is just like an ancient fucking pyramid thing that we need to investigate. The secrets of the pyramids. There's an energy vortex.
Lock down. This is not a drill. You just hear that drill like, mom, I'm out of my mind.
They're going to breach. This is one big guy. We'd have to definitely secure that fence.
They just all have miniature fucking pictures.
True.
He'd be a railroad bull. He'd be real far apart. He'd be a hard-headed railroad bull, dude. He'd be down there like, what the hell? Breaking up the stone. We can stop talking blob talk. No, blob talk's good. I think it's a good rule of thumb. That's all I'm saying. And then if you can take it anywhere you want, if you're business-minded, obviously, like we are. Yeah. Take it anywhere you want.
remember the video I sent you this lady just she just had like dude I found this video online and it's a lady with I mean dude beyond F's the most giant boobs and she it's just her husband tapes her going down a water slide in one of those little things, like the raft. And, like, it's just every turn, they're just... And it has, like, a million views.
And he wrote a disclaimer being like, guys, this is a family video. My wife, please don't poke fun at the way she's built. It's like, dude, you knew what you were doing. You knew what you were doing.
It's the Shiva. That is Shiva. There's a village that's like their exclusive deity. They build the water park like she will come. She will ride the slide. That would be pretty tough. I always forget about it. It's a nice thing about how horny guys are in India. Anywhere where there's a billion. Again, the census could be wrong, by the way. I was on war mode recently.
Or just excuse me.
Turns out the census is they totally botched it.
I think so. But the black conspiracy is that there's way more black people than they say. That one I kind of believe.
Yeah, true.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yeah. It's true. America is a giant double stuffed Oreo. It is.
The Minnesota Trail. They're in there.
Talking Arkansas way. I mean, here's the thing. It's all fun and games until the blob turns on you. Then you got to go. She could turn on you, man, and that would be ugly.
We would never fat her up for our own pleasure. Women will fatten you up, though. They're trying to get the male blob, dude. That's all they do.
Just so they can shame you. Women are the biggest fat shamers on the planet. They will fatten you and then shame you.
Yeah.
Dude, for every five I gain, though, I get freaked out.
No, no, I'm saying they will feed you. They will blob you up.
Yeah, they do. You need to worry. It's like, you gave me all these fucking treats. You gave me this.
Peanut butter ripple, bro.
Give me some peanut butter ripple.
You gotta dial up the freak for me. Or I will walk, bro. I will fucking walk. I will walk. What do you want?
You know about my dream I had, bro? It's in Patreon.
Yeah, I... I had a fucking workout this morning. I was yesterday, man.
That would be nice. But, dude, they're not ready for blob theory. They're not ready for blob theory. Quantum blob. Quantum blob, dude. Have you studied blob theory? I mean, if you hit a gender studies major with for every 20 you got to get freakier, they would leave. They would fucking leave. They'd be out, dude. They do not like that kind of stuff.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
You would be. I'm a big fan. You guys wouldn't ask the hard-hitting questions. I thought you did pretty good at the NAACP.
Yeah.
Dan, it's so nice to just doggy your way out of a racial snafu.
It's all one thing?
Why do you guys get looped in with that all the time?
If it was like Irish studies and gay people, I'd be like, why are you doing that?
It's kind of BS, man. Come on now.
Also, you'll feel like a superstar going to community college. If you go to college, you can go back.
That would be nice.
Yeah, true.
Is Jewish studies... Is that the same thing as Jewish studies, Italian studies, gay guys, and... Probably.
Black studies. Remember when universities started doing Ebonics? They don't do that anymore, do they? Was that a thing for real? I swear to God, I think that was like maybe one or two places did that. I like it. I might go back and major in it. That's fat.
Cap. Yeah, call him Cap. It would be so nice. Yo, teach. Just trying to figure out when to say type shit. I don't exactly know how to put it into a conversation. Type shit is so nice. They should study Ebonics.
That would be tight, man. I think that was like a thing. It's still a thing. I guess if you do linguistics, maybe it's just like a... Because I remember just back in the day you'd hear about it. I didn't know anything about it. I didn't know the specifics. But I remember they busted that out on colleges. It could have just been linguistics. Like, let's dive into this. But I don't know.
I don't know a motherfucking thing.
Guys. nerds the director you're talking nerds damn everybody here is a made-up name for real the faculty directory what kind of what are we working with i don't feel like naming yeah yeah don't name names oh who's that guy are they caucasoids some are oh yeah there's one for you what is it caucasoids
failing yeah i i was at drexel westchester i gotta get my grades up to get into west true dude i was at drexel like school so dumb what's the point of this and i went i worked uh i was with like the labor union with my like working for my dad so i had to sign up to the laborers union to work for him so the union didn't say anything and i was like college is so pointless and i was like chilling with like laborers and i would talk to them and i'm like
What is this for? What thing is this?
That's why everybody has made-up names. That's why everybody has made-up names.
Engineering is going to be. Dude, I didn't do engineering school.
That guy's last name is kind of funny, though. What the fuck? Yeah, engineering, dude. Drexel was an engineering school, and, like, I had teachers I, like, couldn't understand, just for, like, math classes.
Yo.
Lameez, can you handle him?
Get an engineering professor to come debate, like, critical race theory. It's like, um, uh, I don't, this isn't my area of expertise, but shut up, nerd. Talk. Do big words. I know about making bridges. Hmm?
Oh, yesterday.
Shelter that man from the sun.
Shield that man's identity. Or we could have LeMayer moderate a debate between two professors and then have him summarize everything in between. That'd be kind of nice. It'd be like gender studies versus astrophysicists and be like, go. Go. Go.
That'd be kind of sick.
Go ahead. Going back to school for gender studies would be nasty. I did social work. I might as well go all the way back. Dude, being in a hostile classroom, I kind of genuinely miss it. It's so fun.
Dude, before 25 versus Charlie Kirk, I lived it for two years. Yeah. I just didn't know it was a cool thing on the internet. I should have live streamed the class.
When those conservative YouTubers will debate 25 college students at a time. Oh, yeah. Sit at the table. 25 woke students versus Charlie Kirk. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I don't like being gay. You're like, what? No. Yeah, right. You just talk fast as fuck. Yeah, you just talk fast as fuck.
Yeah.
You'll get a bunch of nervous college students on camera. All I want to do is destroy libs.
I'd have tape over my mouth the whole time, like, all right, I guess I'll take this off.
Damn. That's gay.
i think college worked on me a little bit yeah so they would read the paper and i'd be like yeah but like who you got to think like who wrote that paper they all have an agenda they always look at me and be like dude it's in the paper this is before donald trump busted the fake news people would read the paper and be like well that's what happened yeah that's that
Yeah, it does. It's a huge moneymaker.
I'm voting Dem this next election. I'm Dem.
The bear blob is a total blue wave.
I'm secretly rooting for him so hard, dude. I can't wait until he bans all that bullshit in our food. Yeah, didn't he ban like Daz?
There's just like 70 things illegal to put in foods in Europe that we eat.
You can remove that shit pretty easily. Still keep the color and remove it? Yeah, dude. You can use beet juice powder and all that bullshit. I mean, you might not be able to have certain... You could probably honestly get certain hues. I used to make gummies, and I used natural dyes in my gummies. I had some of those gummies. They were good. They were a little too good.
RFK would have definitely taken away my Keefy Crawlers. Keefy Crawlers. Keefy Crawlers were a million-dollar idea. Keefy Crawlers. Keefy Crawlers were so nice. I had these bug gummy molds, and I would toast Keef with sugar. So I'd decarb the Keef, and then once I got the gummies, when they were still sticky, I'd roll them in Keef. You could actually eat because it was activated.
Those used to fucking crush me, dude. Yeah. I would drive around.
I couldn't. Skizzlers.
Skizzlers.
They might have had fentanyl.
I was getting blind. They were an alcohol tincture, so you were also eating like Everclear.
I remember I boiled off. I like took grain alcohol, made an extraction, put in a rice cooker in their backyard. And it was just the smell of just like burning alcohol. It's a really harsh smell. And then I thought it was done. So I was like, all right, I guess all the alcohol is out. And I put my face in it to like and I just I don't know why I took a big whiff.
And like I just inhaled a bunch of alcohol fumes. It fucking felt weird. I bet. Yeah, it was not a good feeling. I kind of panicked for a while. Definitely took me aback. That shit had to fuck up.
Yeah, definitely.
That thing was sick.
Yeah.
I would have had to snatch the Dragon Chain, bro.
Turns out grade school kind of helped me a little bit, too. Dude, some of the schools are still fucking wild now. We went to this one school. I really wanted my daughter to go there. And, dude, we had a meeting, like a parent interview or whatever. And they were like, well, we do a reenactment in the, I think, third or fourth grade where we reenact the taking of the land from Mexico.
We would have sexually blackmailed you with Barn Dog. The Barn Dog. Barn Dog's legend. Barn Dog would have got you.
That would have been Game of Thrones. They would have killed the wrong guy. He would have smashed the baby. What did you do? That was House of Dragons, I think. Dude, I'm walking. Dude, I used to eat those. It was like I had the bug mold. The butterfly was like the smallest. Then there was the spiders. Then I had these centipedes that I did the math.
Did that thing where I opened my eyes and tried to gauge the hangover before I woke up. And I felt all right. I was just hot. I, like, woke up. It was 1,000 degrees. I thought it was 7 a.m. I reached over to, like, see what time it is. If Brittany's in bed, I'm like, all right, it's probably, like, 7. Didn't feel her, and I pat it, and it was just a pillow. I'm like, there she is.
They had to have been at least like 120 milligrams. Yeah. And like, dude, I could only... I did a spider once and was rocked. And I remember I would eat those like a butterfly and spider in the morning and just forget and be driving around. Yeah. And just they would hit me and I would be blasting L.S. Dream.
The music I used for the intro for the first special was like, trying to cross Lancaster Ave like, I'm never getting across the street. It was crazy. I was like, I'll never get across the street.
That sucks. Man, I clocked a lot of hours driving up that just like. Lancaster Ave is fucking chaos, dude. It is absolute fucking chaos. That street is nuts, dude. It's also... Did you ever walk up and down there?
Open air. It's open air sex. Hoes are on Lancaster Ave.
Lots of hoes.
Yeah, we are talking. Lancaster Ave. Yeah, you can go get the blob, bro. You can secure the blob on Lancaster Ave. For sure. For sure. God damn, my shorts are so fucking short.
What, are we at an hour?
We use the third graders to reenact this. And it was just like... And I'm sitting there the whole time. I told Brittany going into it. I'm like, they're going to probably say a bunch of dumb bullshit. Just go along with it. I just like this. Thank God we didn't get in. But we were in the thing. It's like the lady was talking about people of color. And Brittany's like, I didn't see any.
She's like, she mentioned Asians. And Brittany goes, son of people of color. Yeah. Like held her leg under the table and shut up. Oh, yes, dude. It's so nice. It was kind of a beast. It was beast. So nice. It was beast. The lady claimed it, too.
It was so funny. Dude, I was dying, and the lady tried to claim it herself. Bro, I mean, same as me, bro.
Yeah. That's fucking nuts. It's also, like, if you're going to read it, like, why that one? Why not, like, that's kind of weird.
Well, then it's like, why not go even further back in time? Why stop there?
Yeah, how did they? How did they?
Yeah, they weren't like... I just thought it was distasteful.
Yeah.
and disembowel them in front of their families that'd be pretty cool fake scalpens yeah that'd be nice fake little kids real hollywood blood packets that might be yeah i can see that stepping up like kids productions we're doing reservoir dogs yeah yeah we dodged a bullet i was i was happy that uh Brittany was yapping because that was looking back on it. I was like, that was such a sick move.
Nah, I held it down.
What's the tableau?
Oh, that's sick.
I was like, what if I could spit? True. It's like, you never know. It's like, what if I never know? I've never even tried. Maybe I could spit. In high school, we'd all get high, and people would freestyle and stuff. It was sick. It's the best. Yeah, it's pretty fun, actually.
I knew it didn't happen to me. My one friend would just do Eminem. He'd be like, that's an Eminem song. And he'd be like, no, it's just an Eminem song. I just came up with that right now.
I don't know. Is that a song? I didn't know that. That's crazy.
It was good. I'll never forget. I remember I was with this one dude. I was just going to my house to sell weed or whatever. There was a black guy, and my neighbors in West Philly, I actually knew them. I worked with one guy, and they were out in their car blasting someone they knew. It was their family member's demo tape. They're like, come listen to this.
That was crazy. That was decadent, dude. Usually, it's 6.37. I try to get up before my kids. It's 11.
The black guy I was with, and he leaned in the car, and he was like, yeah, that shit's fucking trash, and then just walked into my house, and I was like, what the fuck? I didn't know you could do that. He's like, yo, that shit's fucking trash, and then just came in. I was like, dude, it's my fucking neighbors, man. Why are you doing that?
The funniest thing, and he just, like, didn't even, like, we came in, and I was like, if I had done that to someone, I'm like, did you see me do that? He just was like, anyway, so what is going on here? And I was like, did you just fucking do that to my neighbors? Yo, that shit's fucking trash.
It was such a beast move.
They give it to you. And you're like, thanks. You're like, you're not going to give me any money? It's like, I didn't ask for this. I don't want this. I'm helping you.
50s beefing with like Big Meat right now, isn't he?
Someone just like, is it who? One of those guys got out of jail and he's like calling the dude a rat. He's like, he's a fucking rat.
I mean, he's like, no, I don't think so right now. But he's also come out and he's like, I've beat women before. I've done this. The beast thing that I will give him, I suck my cousin's dick, obviously.
But the one thing that I will give him is when Iggy Azalea came out being like, Kanye used to take me aside and tell me he jerks off my pictures. And he retweeted it and just said, true. Like, all right, that's kind of sick. I feel like he's got another era, a different thing in him. I think he's going to drop this stuff.
I don't think it can.
I don't think it can.
I wonder, I was like, is this some, I've said this before, is this like, is he on just another level of like performance art where it's like he's expanding just the boundaries of all this weird stuff of like KKK sucking your cousin's dick?
Gay incest.
Dude, I don't know. I can't even wrap my head around it. Like, why you would do that or what. But, again, work could just be he's fucking nuts, man.
You got to give him 100 years, see what's up. He could go into, like, a Luke Skywalker phase. If he goes on a misty mountain and goes dark for a while...
Wow, wow, Wes. And we're live. Joel Blazer, what the fuck is going on, dude? Thank you. Thank you for coming. Doesn't it feel good? Yes. Feels good, dude. Every now and again, just to jump in hot. get the juices flowing. So Joe, I, I, so we met in Milwaukee. I saw you on soft white underbelly and I was taken by, I was like, dude, this is, this is crazy.
Letters from Marion. The notes were, I thought, beautiful, man. I gave them their books, and we were reading them. They're just beautiful notes. You're the man, dude. You're an absolute beast. But we went to the steakhouse. Thank you. Five o'clock steakhouse? Yes. Might have been the best steak I've ever had in my life, dude. I'm not lying. It was good. It was so good.
Oh, I see what you're saying. You weren't even, like, fully sentenced yet. And the thing that struck, I didn't know this.
Exactly. So you got, like, a taste, and you could have totally been like, bro, fuck this, I'm out. I did like the thing in the book where you talked about how they gave some people what was called diesel therapy. And they just keep prisoners traveling just in perpetuity. The diesel therapy. Dude, that's fucking terrible.
Yeah, and you don't know anyone, so you're just getting shuffled or you're a stranger everywhere.
Yeah, it probably kept, like, infections at bay. Getting sick in jail would fucking... No one ever thinks about getting sick in jail.
Well, my friend was in a county jail, and that's the thing people don't know, too. Apparently, county jail is the worst. County's the worst. Exactly. That's what I've heard. It's cesspool wickedness. It sucks. My friend was there, and he was an older guy, and he was in the county jail. It's dirty.
He was there during COVID, and he said the guards were so whacked out about interacting with the prisoners that he was like, they didn't come check on you at all, and the heaters were fucked up, so he was like, it was freezing cold.
And then the thing that really killed me was... I've never seen this happen before. When you showed up, you had had an incident with gasoline. Oh, my God, dude. That was... Dude. You smelled like gasoline. You showed up. We were all sitting there eating, and I'm like...
Yeah. He was like, it's freezing cold. And he was like, I'm an older guy. He had, you know, health issues. He's like, if I had a health complication, I would have died. Cause like we would, there was like a bell or a button they could ring to like get people to come. And he's like, they would all ring it. Nobody would like for, you know, eight hours a night that people just wouldn't show up.
Cause they were like, we don't want the guards. We're like, we don't want to be around the fucking prison.
You would think the county would be the nicer one because it's lesser. Well, at least you can be waiting to trial. But usually if you get a DUI, you think the conditions would be nicer to go serve a DUI sentence. It's got to be the worst place in the world.
No, I'm saying if you did a high-level crime, you get better jail conditions, basically. You get to go to federal prison.
But that just shocked me, because my friend went, and I was always kind of like, oh, you would think, like, federal prison's, like, worse than the county, but he was like, no, it's actually way better. He's like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying?
But either way, so you got, so you got, uh, so once you were there and in the book, you move around a lot.
I like it. Yeah. I like it. You did it. You did a good, you did a good job of like chronological leaps. Cause it's like, you know, you're talking about your one time period, like, you know, I'm waiting trial. And then like, you're jumping to like being released and the stuff you were doing after that. And then back. And I thought, yeah, that's, you pulled it off. The chronological job. Thank you.
Hold off. The letters were, So what was your thought? Because within the book... It was too many. Well, here's the thing. I think they were fine, but they really... You gave a pretty serious glimpse into the psyche of an incarcerated young person.
I loved it. I thought it was great. The best is when you send a letter to your brother being like, I'm going to fucking destroy you when I get out of here. I'm so jacked. That made me literally laugh out loud in my bed. I was reading that. I'm like, what a funny fucking thing just to be in jail. I'm going to fucking beat your ass when I get out of here. I'll be so strong.
I'm sure you're fucking around with your brother, but it was like... Yeah, the letters did... The story was flowing. The letters, they really gave it some weight to it, man. Some of those letters were kind of dark. I thought it was cool. Here's my thing. You didn't have to put those in there, and you did. You really showed kind of an unfiltered view of how you were, and it was kind of cool.
that means it could be edited if this letter this is it like you can't change that so with the letters there was i i couldn't i didn't know what you were talking about you were asking um your mom for photos what what was the photo oh she's for playboy my parents met at playboy and she pulls that i heard yeah that i knew so what did you want the photo for
They're not nude, yeah, obviously.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, that was the one. I think it was a bet. That was a letter I saw in there. There's no context on the letter, so I kind of looked it up, and I was like, okay, that's what I thought it was. You wanted the Playboy photos for a bet. You never said that in the book. No. When you're reading it, you're going, this is a freaky-ass bull, dude. In prison, I'm going to be jacking off to my mother.
I would never say that. I would never say that.
I'd never say so. God, it just made me laugh because I was reading the book, and I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about, these photos? And that makes sense. You had a bet with somebody. They didn't believe you.
Yeah, that was an interesting story, too. So how did that go down?
Yeah, back then, that was a big deal.
I guess if you're in the environment, you get kind of... They do that at strip clubs a lot, too. They'll take the bartenders, and they'll be like, yeah, you should get up there. It's just when you're in that environment, they're probably just kind of pushing you.
Bro, I swear to God, I've never, it was such a pungent smell. I'm like, what am I going to do? You had to just show up. It was a beast move. You could have lit me on fire if you were smoking cigarettes. I seriously was concerned. I was worried someone was going to order, like, Aflambe or something and you would have went up because it was a thick gasoline smell.
Really?
What was it like growing up with, like, a hot mom, basically?
What do you mean? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You can't say, yeah. I was wondering what that was like.
attracted to her um i don't know it probably helped me i mean if i'm doing my ugly no yeah i think she might have been able to do a lot better than my dad though right yeah so what was and what was uh in the book you include some stuff like you guys had a rocky relationship and then he just died yes how was that because you go into the it's kind of jarring because i read it so you guys have this almost unbelievable altercation and then he dies that day
Yeah. That's, and you were, you know, early twenties. It's gotta be a pretty heavy experience.
Okay. Damn, that's pretty wild. Yeah, that was just like a quick thing mentioned in the book. But then what happened in Marion?
Yeah, it's kind of crazy.
Although, that's kind of the most manly, like, cologne. Maybe we could start it.
No. Yeah, that does. That was a, it was like a heavier moment. And the, uh, and this was, I thought this was kind of interesting too, in the book, the, uh, I mean, this was kind of like the crux of the tale was like, you're in jail, you know, you're kind of having a good time here, you know, sound a little blacked out heroin.
What the fuck? It is crazy. But for me, it was crazy that you just tried heroin and we're like, man, Oh, yeah.
But yeah, so, okay. So you're, and this is what kind of got my interest. I watched you on soft white underbelly and you had the story basically about going to a super max prison for selling, you know, LSD and the case was crazy. Like, you know, we talked about it. It was just, you sent, you know, LSD in the mail, Western union, some guy got caught. He never got even caught with it. Right.
Was that was that like creepy as fuck doing that? Like, I don't like needles at all.
Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So it wasn't it wasn't this like otherworldly.
Yeah.
That makes sense. So that was part of the thing. Like, I'm going to try heroin too once. Once. Now I can do it.
you were getting crushed by the corporate lifestyle of selling LSD. So you're like, I was always to get to the next show.
That was amazing.
Yeah, you weren't really getting after it like that.
I think, honestly, I think you're one of their best guests that, you know, they've done some, thank you. They've done a lot. They've interviewed a lot of people, but you know, I just kind of struck me, bro. I saw you. I said, damn, this guy is the man. And we talked. And then eventually we met in Milwaukee. I didn't, it was pure accident.
Yeah.
No, his friend got caught.
You took 10 hits, you're saying.
Jesus Christ. And then he gave you up and then you got on some bullshit trial where it was like, you'd never got caught with drugs, but there was enough circumstantial evidence to suggest that you had used a fake name to Western Union money and LSD around. And they sentenced you to, you said they were.
Yeah, that makes sense. And you were saying in the book, too, these people who were like, there was only a few people who were able to somehow secure the ingredients necessary to make alimony. Because it is hard. I knew a guy in a lab. and he could make almost anything, but he's like, I can't make LSD.
Damn.
Do you think how much they were giving them?
I mean, imagine in the, and again, in the fifties, like LSD, like, you know, I, I grew up hearing about it. You have like a context for what it is like, Oh, it's like, you know, it was like hippie stuff. And,
Or even being like, say I was following fish. If I was a kid, I would have been like, yeah, it's like weed. It's like you get high. But in the 50s, if someone just hit you with 10 hits of LSD in a lab and they're like, get your fucking life together, I'd be like... I always thought it was going to make you go crazy.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah. I mean, it does seem like it could, you know, do that. It is, it is unfortunate. Cause I, like you were saying, it's not for everybody. And I have seen people who will, who abuse it kind of lose it. Like,
Yes.
But I think you have to have underlying stuff already kind of kicking around. You used it, like, daily? No, there was, like, every weekend. Boom. And, like, constantly. As you said in your book, you didn't take it that many times.
Yes.
Exactly. Because it's so profound. What do you need? These guys were every weekend. That, the nitrous. They were just partying with it. And they... I remember... Wow. I see the one guy... I was in a grocery store, and I'm like, oh, hey, what's up, man? He was working there. I'm like, how you doing? Dude, he cornered me. He's like, I'm fighting a battle against light and darkness.
And I was like, oh, boy. I was like, all right, bro. I was like, you know, I'm going to grab my stuff and get out of here. But it was... Yeah, I remember this guy. But again, it could have been just, like, underlying stuff. Because that is, like...
If you take a person who already has, even if they could have had a job and just been a little weird or whatever, but it's like if you really kind of ramp that shit up and you don't give them any kind of way to work through all that stuff, it's like, yeah, it kind of makes sense. You would lose your fucking mind.
That was a I'm still trying to figure out how to do it. I have an idea with what I want to do, but I got obsessed. So I've always liked psychology. So I've always liked psychology. And then I went to school for social work to get my master's. Yes. I wanted to start something like a that's just not centered around drugs where you can you can kind of get anything. Yes. Who are like you?
I could talk to people who are, you know, like PhDs or whatever and have them help me come up with some sort of program that could be peer led around like just mental health stuff in general. That way, like you can't afford a therapy. If you can't afford a therapist, you could still have like a group that's like, it's not like therapy per se, but it would be using, um, sharing the tools. Yeah.
Like that. These people like these PhD level people make up and like, how do you kind of disseminate them in a way that like, that could be done in like a peer to peer thing. That's my goal. And I'm still now looking for therapists now. Cause I, I want to just salary a couple of therapists now that I can to just kind of like run groups and like, kind of like curate the whole like online space.
And it'd be, it's for, how did you get that name? I made it up. It's like, no, I don't know. It sounded funny. Cause you know, but, um, but yeah, so that, that is my goal. Cause you know, we, we do need to figure something out collectively. Cause this isn't, you know, it's clearly not working, dude. It's like the fact that we're immune to like kids shooting kids in school. Now it's like,
It happens enough to where it's like, all right, dude, there's some... We need to organize ourselves mentally a different way. We're organized around, you know, one thing right now, and it's not really... Money? Yeah, pretty much. And it's like, it's good. I don't hate money, but it's like, it's clearly... Something's getting fucked up.
And it's like, I really feel like as human beings, you know, we're organisms. And like, we're not... It's hard for people to wrap their head around the fact for everybody that they're not like the most important person in the world. Because as an organism, if you think about organisms... The cells. We're all a cell.
Yeah, well, if you're an organism and you sense an organism that's bigger than you, that's a threat to your life. You know what I mean? Because if you're an animal, just say you're an animal. If you're an animal and you see... If you're a wolf and you see a bigger wolf...
that wolf is could very well kill you and that sets off a chain of reactions but human beings are sense of like largeness is kind of abstract so if you just perceive somebody's bigger than you in some sense it can set off like a very real reaction biological events that can color your thinking and behavior and it's like no one really thinks about that but it's like something people have to come to grips with but whatever but the um but yeah so that's
And that was 1992. So this is like... It's crazy to think about the drug laws back then. There was even like weed back then. You could go to jail for like four or five years for selling weed if you had enough.
I don't know, man. I think we could have a good time up here on Earth, but it sucks for everybody. It's kind of shitty.
Yeah.
from 2013 i shut off my iphone too dude that motherfucker is worse than bad cocaine yeah dude i'm coming to grips with how addicted i am to my phone and it's like it's bad man i got my screen time down to like i think like three hours and i i think this week i should be hitting two but it's like dude it's such an addiction but you need it for your business right
Yeah, I do, but it's like I could use it in a way where I'm not, like, pulling it out, being like, let me see if anyone... Every two hours, you're just... Well, the worst part is with social media, you're addicted to yourself. You're, like, you've commodified your personality.
How much money? Yeah, now you have, like, it's, like, very real, you know, quantitative data on, like, your personality. And so, of course, there's an addictive component to the phone, but, like, nothing's more addictive than yourself and, like... you know, your insecurities and checking on all that. And I think that's what ties a lot of people to it.
Yeah.
Yeah. So that's, you know, but either way. So, yeah, I kind of agree. You know, something needs to happen. But, you know, it's one of those things where it's like when people try to push the pedal, like I got the solution to push the pedal. Usually it's just 10 times worse. So I don't know. I'll be curious to see what happens with people. But either way. So, dude.
Okay, so what else did I want to ask you about? Oh, this is the thing that I thought was crazy. So you're kicking around different prisons. Six. Yeah, you're six different prisons.
Who does, right? True. But you're kicking around. Things are going well. You've got some hustles going on. Always hustle. And then you have the altercation with the guard. And this was the thing I thought the craziest part of the book. You have the altercation with the guard.
The guard who sent you to Marion.
What guard are you talking about?
Dude, that was crazy.
I thought it was kind of nuts. You're in jail. Things are going well, whatever. This black lieutenant takes your bag. You guys gave him an altercation. He called me a hippie rat. He did.
It's all right. You don't have to.
Yes. And he had to do something.
Oh, I didn't realize that. He said that to you in front of all the other prisoners, which is kind of a death sentence.
And your friend stitched it for you. It was like your prized possession.
Yeah, so the thing I thought that was wild was like that incident happened kind of aligned itself with the crack laws where it was like they reduced the sentences on powder cocaine, didn't reduce the sentences on crack cocaine. So then there were these racial riots in the jail.
12 prisons around the country. Dude, the extent of the damage was crazy. Did you see the report?
That was a crazy thing.
Well, it was really like a racially inspired riot because it was like black guys were going to jail for crack. For the most part, white guys were going to jail for coke.
Oh, okay. So the black guys were understandably kind of pissed. So they rioted.
I know. But then that lieutenant was like, oh, yeah, this guy instigated the riot. So you went to from just like, you know, prison to then having to go to Supermax prison based on really just a beef you had with the lieutenant, which is fucking crazy.
The young people have no fucking clue, man. Yeah. Even the early 2000s, it was like you could go to jail for little bullshit like weed and stuff. I guess they softened, obviously softened the penalty.
And it was 23-hour lockdown, one hour outside a day.
Damn. And you were saying in the thing that really kind of like I thought was nuts in the other prison during the riots, you were like about to go to the yard to work out and you were like. It was weird. Let me go back to my room. And you were saying the yard itself was just like an apocalyptic battle of like dudes getting raped, people getting their heads smashed.
No, they would have said... I know, I know that. I'm saying I know. That'd be crazy taking that down. In that book, I taught... In the book, You Can't Win by Jack Black. He's like a burglar or whatever in the early 1900s. He ends up finally in a jail in California. I think in... Was it Folsom? Maybe it was Folsom. I don't know where it was.
But either way, there was an earthquake and all of the records for all the prisoners got destroyed in like a fire or something. And he ended up getting stuck because he couldn't get out. He couldn't go in or out because he was already there. So he couldn't prove like he did enough time. But he eventually did get out. But yeah, that's... Damn, if only those guys had grabbed the records.
yeah texas is texas it's still illegal like if you austin you're fine if you have weed in austin they don't care if you leave austin you can still they'll like throw you in the hotel everybody they don't care in austin but if you is that isn't that right josh i think if you leave austin and you get caught with weed like i knew someone who was decriminalizing austin proper
That would have been so sweet.
Yeah, you got to see the damage.
Oh, he said all the other ones, and they kind of tried to suppress that. Yeah, I remember reading how they were trying to act like, nah, we're good. And then didn't other ones, like, say there was stuff just so that they could clamp down and get overtime and all that? Exactly.
That was always my thing. It's like the prison law should be according to who would you rather have as your neighbor, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would I rather have a guy who sold Coke or a pedophile? It's like, all right, a pedophile should be a longer time than a guy who sells Coke because it's like that's who I'd rather live next to if I had to choose.
Or if I didn't have a choice, it would be like, you know, people should be sentenced accordingly.
What a tool. They're everywhere. And there's a lot of them, man. I did it when I lived in Philly. And I was shocked. There was a decent amount. And I think they had them all in one house. They were all in this one house four blocks away. And I don't know if they're just some landlord.
yeah pretty much i i mean they at least they don't they don't prosecute it at all it's not it's the lib side it's a lib this is a lib haven yeah they actually have like decent food here but uh you gotta deal with all that stuff but but yeah man you can in austin i think i knew someone who got pulled over with a vape cartridge and got like held overnight in austin no outside oh so austin's a safe haven so they could where do they sell it here
Yeah, they should have to. Ever. There's a documentary to watch. It's called Pervert Park. It's a really rough watch. But they have a trailer park in Florida. And they're just a gated community. They just all live in here. And people just fucking... of beer bottles over at them.
But dude, not like... So I used to get housing for people. When I went to school for social work, one of my jobs was to get housing for prisoners. So you get out of jail, I would do a little interview. I'd be like, hey, you know, I'd have to get like, what is the nature of your crime? But it was like... It was just like selling drugs and stuff.
And then the lady who ran it didn't tell me she had opened up to pedophiles. Cause that was one of my, I would like, you know, the crap break the ice. Cause I didn't like being like, Hey, what'd you go to jail for? So I'd be like, Hey, I have to ask you this. As long as you're not like a pedophile, whatever, don't worry. And they'd always be like, well, the fuck I'm not a fucking pen.
I'm like, ah, you know? And then one day the guy was like, well, I actually am. And I was like, what? And then they were like, yeah. And I talked to my boss. I'm like, what the fuck? And she was like, yeah, I decided to start taking pedophiles. We got to find them housing too. And I was like, ah,
okay but what year this was only like this would have been 2019 2019 2018 around then my thing was like i didn't want to and i would call their uh probation officers because i would be like i don't isn't there laws these guys can't be i can't like throw this guy in a best buy like there's kids around no there's the thousand feet or whatever that's my school and all that i think there is
That's what I thought it was, man. But this person, it was kind of like, you know, leading the thing. You know, as far as I remember, it was kind of like, no, no, no, they're fine. They have rights. And I called the guy's probation officer. I'm like, this guy can't work here, can he? The probation officer was like, fuck no. And I was like, yeah, I didn't think so. So it was weird.
I remember I ended up telling the lady, I was like, I don't... Don't ask, don't tell.
I was like, bro, I'm not sending this guy, you know, into apartment buildings. I don't know. So it was, I just told her, like, I don't, you know...
Cause I would just cold call landlords and be like, Hey, I got this great deal. Six month upfront paid rent. And they'd be like, Oh, what is it? What is it? I'm like, here's the catch. And then they will go, Oh, come on, man. I'd be like, dude, they're not like fucking pedophiles. They're just, they just sold drugs. Like, come on. The six months is paid up.
And then so they were cool about that. But once she tried to have me find like the pedophile and I had to tell her like, look, I'm not the guy to help because now they're going to you. Well, not even that. Yeah. Then you're going to fuck up all these other guys housing. And it's also like like I remember the one dude would call me the guy who was on my caseload who had that kind of stuff.
And he would just be like, hey, I'm outside in my head. Like, you know, I wouldn't even be there. And I'd be like, I don't give a fuck. He's like, it's raining. And I'd like off. So I'm like, there's got to be someone who can help that guy. So they do need help from somebody, but it was like, I'm not, I can't do it, man. I just, I couldn't do it.
Dude, it's a weird thing to do. And they just kind of like hush the, yeah. And quietly tuck them in a neighborhood and like, Hey, you know, here's the guys here. And it's like, it's fucked up, man. It's really fucked up.
So, yeah, you were in the Supermax. No, I did.
Yeah, it's like now we have that weird stuff where it's like the hemp... It's one little thing. The hemp bill. No, the hemp bill. Oh, yeah. The farm bill. Exactly.
It's just all entertainment anyway, dude.
That's cool.
And it just ran right through there. That must have been wild, dude.
Yeah, or the big thing is THCA. THC is what's illegal. THCA, now you have to heat up weed and make brownies.
That must have been terrible, getting that high in jail.
I couldn't do it.
I have a friend who smoked K2 in jail, like the synthetic weed. Yep. And he said he... And this guy, you know, this guy was doing... Isn't it just like weed? Yeah, but apparently it's like kind of harsh from what I've heard. It's like it can be like... Because it's just a chemical. So like weed, the plant can only get so strong. But K2, they're spraying these synthetic cannabinoids.
You know, it could be fucking... Who knows? Exactly. Exactly. So he said this guy, he had done like tripping all the drugs you could possibly do. And he was like, dude, fuck that shit. He said he was in there. He kept hearing people come in, checking on. And it wasn't happening. It was him and a dude in there just in terror.
Yeah. It worked perfectly.
Yeah, decarboxylate or whatever. So now if you have that extra carbon molecule that heat removes from literally of a lighter, it's technically legal because you can be like, well, this is hemp. Weed's legal now, by the way. But is it medically legal here? No. No. Now, Texas is like... I think it's... Yeah, I don't think they even have a medical program.
That was the college trick. You would put the Febreze fabric softener sheet in a paper towel thing and blow it out.
Yeah, smoking weed in jail does seem like a lot of trouble. Seems like you'd have to be really kind of careful. I guess you could go outside.
Freaked out.
It really set in. Weed does that to you where the reality of stuff sets in.
Fuck it.
Oh, yeah. I read about that.
Don't you get a dilute, though? I heard the drug test now, it was too diluted.
whatever but if you didn't piss you would get it dirty then it's 90 days in the hole and you'd probably get transferred yeah it sucks which is the fucking worst and you also if they you know even if it was diluted you'd have the time because you'd have to get mailed out ran through a lab and by then it's like hey i don't know did they do that in the 90s the dilution i've just heard about it i don't know i was so young in the 90s i was a i was a wee boy but the uh i remember hearing about that move like just slam a bunch of fucking water but then it would the test would come back as like inconclusive because it was just too diluted
No, it makes sense back then that they would have been.
yeah i had anything i had to do a drug test when i was working for my dad he does demolition we were like working in like a on the hospital kind of or it was at hospital it was a school it was a school so they like everyone had to get drug tested so i remember what we had to do we you know we had all day and it wasn't like you had somebody watching you so we just had like i filled up a latex glove of pee from somebody i knew and then you just keep a hand warmer on it so it keeps it at like 98 degrees how did you know he was clean you just hoped
I just knew he would. I asked him. He didn't smoke weed or do anything. So I was like, let me get pee in this glove for me. Or pee in a thing. And then I just dumped it in the glove. And it worked? Kept it on a hammer. But then I got there and my friend needed some too. So we had to split it. And then we both, I didn't realize there was a minimum amount. So we both gave like that much.
The nurse was cool. She was really, but they, they hit you with a temperature. That was a big thing. They temp check it. Cause then they see if it's cold. Exactly. So the hand warmers, I'd asked for ham warmers in like July. I was like, you guys have ham warmers back here. And they're like, yeah, but why? I was like, I don't know, man. I just need them. I'm going somewhere.
So, but yeah, that is a, that's pretty crazy. So then that, that story too about getting, what about the duffel bag? What about it?
What, the duffel bag you got taken from you? Didn't you get it? Did you get it back?
Yeah, that was the end of the book, man. That was it all came together. That guy.
What the hell was that about? Why did he give it back to you?
What? You don't think that was? I took that as the guy who had a nice moment where he was just like, yeah, let me give this guy his bag back.
That's cool. That makes sense.
It is weird. Also, is it normal to keep like, how would he even get an alert that you were out?
That's pretty cool.
This thing's out of here. That makes sense.
i had to let it go i had to just get rid of it it symbolized so much yeah and just to move was that bad psychologically what do you think no i think that's you know feel good doing that get rid of it just to you know that way you're out that's like a chapter that's totally done with yeah and there's something kind of cool and ceremonial about being like all right i'm done with this part i can let go especially if you think the guy was fucking with you i'd be like fuck you dude
Didn't Portugal... Yeah, I mean, obviously locking people up for years. They did.
Yeah, that would have freaked me out. Like, first of all, I was like, dude, you're keeping tabs on me.
It is weird. And then the one thing I did want to ask you about, cause this is in the book as well. You got out and you started a pretty successful real estate.
That's cool. Yeah. And you got into like just kind of, I remember the book.
Yeah. That spot was unbelievable. And you got hit with a subprime mortgage crisis.
Yeah, man.
That's wild, dude.
Yeah.
That's true.
For sure.
Yeah. No, that's pretty cool.
I like working out. It's a nice physical job.
Yeah, so what's the plan now? What are you up to now, and what's your plan to do?
You want that liquid death money.
So are you going to start a podcast or something?
Right, but you just want to do the real estate.
Yeah, but the book, it was funny because you sold, you did what, 5,000 copies? Yes. Sold them, and now the only books are on Amazon, and I was like- I'm not selling them for $200.
We looked up his book. Me and Nate were there. Nate Marshall, we were looking up his book. You thought it was me. I was like, damn, this guy's selling his books for fucking $200? No. And that's all their secondhand sellers. Cause they sold all your ones. Yeah.
You got to print more, dude.
Yeah. The book was, I did. I'm telling you, the book was great. I couldn't stop reading it. So,
That was cool. And it was fascinating.
and you take the the mexican cartel would go out of business like that think of that so that's the big one yeah well that that's the uh but here's the thing i i was i read the book chasing the scream by yeah yeah great book yes they talk about that now like in in london they would give people heroin and then uh if you had someone if they had to go to a center and the heroin was clean like there were way more way less deaths but now the critique in america is like the um
I'm like, what the fuck? I think it was crazy how you were in there, and you were describing, like, The people, especially in Marion, these guys would kill you without hesitating. And you have to form friendships with these guys and hang with them. Bruce Pierce, Doc Holliday. And the fact that you did tell the guards. I'll leave that in the book.
But yeah, that is funny that you just completely beefed with the guards on that level and threatened them that you were going to kill them.
i don't know the naivety i still have probably this day in some form but no that was that was pretty sick but well dude um yeah man fucking pump thank you for coming on thank you for having me perfect thanks bro thank you see you man thank you
well it's a cesspool america did it wrong like oregon and seattle is just like a whole area of exactly it does give the harm reduction stuff a bad name because it's like if you just let people lay on the street and you're like oh here's here's needles and then my my friend jerry clickstein was actually living in skid row for a while and he said the problem was you like throw these guys in like a apartment like oh here we're gonna give you housing and then they od and die and nobody finds them because they're by themselves rather if they're outside
Yeah, that's true. And it's also it loses a lot of the allure. It's like, you know, if you're telling me, yes, I got to go to like in a professional office building to like go do heroin. I'm going to be like.
Where's my life going? Yeah, what is it? What the fuck am I doing? It's not the thrill of like, you know, you're getting it. It takes the rock and roll element out of it. I think good work. And it always is a personal choice. It is like, you know, it comes down to personal choice.
Yeah, well, apparently they told you. They sent you to jail for fucking 15 years. So, dude, so you have a book. It's called Letters from Marion. I read it. I love the book, dude. I thought it was great. Thank you. The book was fantastic.
Yes, I did. I did. I did. Actually, I parted it, too.
I've never tried this sock in the fucking pressure play at the end.
Got to wash the sock, yeah. Got to wash the sock.
But not, I don't want to put it in the machine. Ah, true. You need to keep it pure. Yeah, you need to keep it pure. I get that. True. You don't want all those chemicals on you. So you were telling me this made me laugh a lot. So you go to trial. You took your case to trial. You fight it yourself, which, you know, that is honorable. You go take your case to trial.
And then you were sentenced, like you said. What was the first thing you did upon sentencing? You go back to the cell. What was your play?
I couldn't miss you. I'm obviously stealing your grip right now. I couldn't miss you.
That was that was your primary concern. You said going in, you didn't want to have to.
You can say that. Yeah. It's your journey.
Dude, that's a real fucking fear. I'd be terrified, man, because you were down wearing like Kentucky.
Exactly.
And also, I did like that. I have to say, so you're there, just being like, look, I've never tried sushi. I'm going to get that when I get out. I'm going to surf around the world when I get out. And it is funny to just jerk off. There's something serious about that level of acceptance to be like, this is my situation.
Because I feel like people in and out of jail struggle with that, of just accepting your lot in life and just kind of getting with the program rather than just constantly spinning yourself out.
You were wise. You were definitely at 22 to be like, all right, this is what it is. It's pretty crazy. I wouldn't have been able to take it. I would have been like, this is bullshit. I would have been in total denial, I think.
So, yeah, we talked a little bit, and then we met. Dude, you're the fucking man. We met in Milwaukee. You gave the signed copies to Nate and AJ of your book.
Yeah. So they were pissed. So they had to literally transport you from Milwaukee down.
Sure.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Totally.
Yeah.
Yeah, it sucks. And most people don't do it.
We'd be like, oh, dude, fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm saying. I'm like, I have a fucking authority problem.
Sure. Yeah.
That was the funniest. What? Hold on. I know you've told this story a million times, but can you please tell us that story? Which? The dressing up and... There's a couple of them. The Elmo.
25, 25, 25, 25.
Are you trying to catch a lawsuit? Yeah, 25, 50 is crazy. Yeah, I'd say the yellow, the yellow and green one. Yeah, true. The basic one.
You wouldn't expect the from behind that was truly a master From behind it was from the front It was so in there like
Warm's sexual.
It's real sexual.
They're sorting it out. Sorry to interrupt.
Yeah. You want to have sex with frogs all the time?
You can't tell your family about those frogs. You can't tell anyone about that. You got to go to Muddle Hill. You got to get on a Zoom call and go, I want to fuck frogs. They go, holy shit. We got to help.
Still can't really go near any bodies of water. Really? Yeah, because due to the possibility of a frog would send me into a frenzy.
That's good.
It's all right.
Yeah, and all jokes aside, BetterHelp's a great company.
Yeah, they do rock.
Also, I run through those things. And then just don't go back to the store.
Butterhill. Hey, we just got back from that fantastic ad read. Yes.
Yeah, it was the best dick pill underwear.
No one's going to think you're a loser this time. Dude, you guys, I always associate Kratom with Gas Digital. How could you not? And then I came down to Austin. Yo, Kratom presents Gas Digital.
But then I came down here in Austin and it was one of those like Huberman said it works type shows.
yeah like i don't think he did but like that type of mindset because down here that's what everyone is great heads no but like uh huberman dads huberman like zin is actually a neurotrophic dead so it's good for you like that okay one milligram you can't just enjoy anything it's got to be science yeah you can't just go yeah like it but uh they're like kratom's it they would just create them in nice bottles in the green room what the fuck are you guys doing
Have we put this under the Rogan scope yet? No, it was under there. It was like, Joe, get your loop. He goes, oh, this. This is different.
We'll be right back after another ad from heroin.
As you were saying.
It's coming.
It's coming. Sorry, guys. Got to do some light belt sanding. Yeah, it's on me. Hand up accountability. Honestly, I was told they'd be out of here.
How's it going?
Yeah, Jay, don't come in here with a girlfriend bragging like that. Do not make me make fun of my girlfriend. It was more the assistant skills. That was a girlfriend brag and now I had to put my girlfriend down with her lack of skills.
Did anyone walk back there? I think the toilet's just exploding. What is it? Is there anyone in there? What the fuck?
A lot to that thing, man. I take notes. Sometimes. If Gardini says something funny when he's drunk, I write it down. And then send it to him the next morning and go, remember when you said this? Someday, everyone will know I'm right. It's 2.30 in the morning on a Thursday. That's a Gardini guarantee.
Smoke looks good. Toilet back there.
It's not great. He goes, oh, shit.
Smokey shit. Smoke turds. There's been turds trapped in the walls since day one. There's turds everywhere. I've never heard a plumber once do that.
No, never went to a crazy one. The craziest one was I think it was... Who's fucking part with Lewis?
It was Zach's. That's a pretty wild bachelor party.
But me and O'Connor, that was the first time I really, I think, did Molly. Oh, yeah? And I just sat on a couch. Oh, that wasn't Molly. That was actual ecstasy. It was great. Yeah, I was afraid of... I didn't talk to the women at all. And then I was on drugs watching Lewis, like... Yeah, bitch, come here, man.
He's very... Not he wasn't calling him a bitch, but he was very... Show your butthole, this lady. He was ready to party in that gear.
That's fair. Yeah, I would feel the same way.
I feel like that'd be a nice fap sesh. No, I've hit the post, uh, like strip club. Yeah. Where you're like, I could have, uh, and then you go home and you're like, damn, this is cause you're horny while you're jacking off. You're like, damn, this would have been so much cooler with a fucking lady.
We were all probably hitting the same commercial a couple times. Big time. You know how when it's like, if you look at the moon? Dude, I'm pretty sure. Any time on earth, if we stare at the moon at the same time. It's true. It's like, those girls gone wild.
Yeah, before the show, you're like, fuck, I don't have any material. Let's go back into the archives. Ah, gay pizza.
Get the fuck out of here, Stern.
He does look like a witch. He does. Looks like a brouhaha. He is a brouhaha, dude. Howard Stern.
He's a juhaha. He's a vitch.
I wish I was on the road when Squiggle Vision... Yeah, Horny Dad with fucking... Horny Dad with Spice Channel.
She smoked out a toilet.
Do you have this on your phone?
I can't wait to see this. It's pretty good.
I never caught the poop, but I've seen their other work.
This might be a job for Reddit.
Turns out.
It's tough to get porn here. Governor Abbott's locking down the turd porn.
I don't have a VPN for turd porn. It should be equal with child porn to me. If you're watching Turdborn, you should be in fucking prison. Getting beat up by other guys in there. They're like, you're the Turdborn guy?
Governor, your honor.
It's the best. You never used one?
I'd like to see it. I want to find it for you. I just had a bunch of scat pornography. He might be a shit porn guy. That's the number one shit porn.
I don't like this stuff. It's in the file I have here. No, I don't like it. It's in my homework file. That's not true. You got the voice of a scatman. There's got to be one shitty one guy in this room.
Oh, no.
Yeah, that might be the real deal.
Chuck Berry farts, one of the funniest.
I love the lady's face.
His head pops back out of it. Whoa, there it is. It's real.
Farting in hookers' faces is fucking wild.
He must have, he filmed it. Yeah.
Now we're talking. That's just a joke for you and me. No, that's not for the pod.
I'm like, that is quite bold. Pointing to that jar of almonds.
The Almond Brothers. Come on now. Come on now.
I don't know. I don't think they even did it back then.
Allegedly. Talking about it 50 years later. Yeah, it's fine.
It stood the test of time. Kid pussy. Yeah, you know, it was right back in the day. Our whole government seems to disarray about it. The Epstein stuff went off. Society's collapsing over the weight of kid pussy.
Long drive in a car, I go, this is going to be good. I'm going to get some material out of this. Just rap for three straight hours. I didn't have one thought the entire drive. But you got the premise. I was in rap career.
And then I'd show him my ding-a-ling, and we'd get out of there. My dad had a nice little creep growing up. Legendary pervert? Yeah, legendary pervert that would give you crimpits if you showed him your dick. What? Butterscotch? Butterscotch. Nice. Yeah.
According to Phil, he never did it. How is it shelf-stable and that moist?
His one boy would go for it all the time and then split the crimpets with my dad. Phil was pimping out his boy. He was pimping.
I appreciate that.
Running kid dick to a weirdo.
I think you're just showing me your dick.
We were just watching To Catch a Predator. I know that's one of your all-time favorites.
Oh, no.
We did. We both had a Whole Foods desk.
Jay, this is insane.
Yeah.
Guess what's about to happen to you.
True.
You put me back on. You were like, I let the lead out. I said, it's been a while. You got to let it out. Dude, it was crazy. Shit rocks.
You're literally going to get shot by a pedophile, which sucks. That's such a shitty way to die.
Shot by a pedophile in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot.
I just saw one that was very funny. The guy walks down the aisle, and he's like, all right, I knew this was coming. Hey. He's like, I know what you're up to. I know what I'm up to. Let me talk. He tried to amuse.
Yeah, my Whole Foods experience was much like my experience at the mall. Literally, I was like, I'm going to go to the grocery store. I got there. I was like, I don't even know what I want. I don't even know. I got chicken and bacon and eggs and left. That is why. I spent $30. Do you scan every aisle?
You're having a special needs little person over and over again.
When he leaves... Yeah, I'm sorry. He runs around like the little guys in Halo? He does.
Just bust him at prom ten times. Taking the prom picture, and we got him. No! No! Now we're just fucking with you. Get out there and dance again.
Yeah, yeah.
I've never seen someone grub that hard. But just, like, grub like it was while getting in trouble. He hit a fucking hard grub set. It's because he thought it was going to make him look more natural.
And he's like, hmm. And he's like, you got the text? He's like, oh shit, you have the transcripts.
would you like to kiss me frank yeah clear there's a cloth in the hallway that he opens you know that's normal would you like to he goes don't mind that that's video village back there we've talked about before but when they get indian guys it's the best just a foreigner that's just like
It's like the South Park episode where he's like, I'm going undercover as a prostitute. Wow, Daddy, that sure was a lot of cum.
I'm going back to that house. And by the fourth time, it's like, no, I knew she was 20. Yeah. Yeah, this is a show.
Yeah, I came here to meet you, dude. I was trying to work my way up. That's a good move. You keep going to kids' houses and be like, where's Chris Hansen? I'm just trying to meet Chris Hansen.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're giving you guys some, any pedophiles out there, we're giving you some nice hacks.
Guys who knew, guys in the 90s came.
I've shit in there like 10 times. Well, it was always because you do Real Ass Podcasts. It's at 11 a.m. Sure.
Yeah. Now, can we get this over with and kiss?
These are more good ideas.
Tomorrow or Wednesday?
Actually, we can wait a week if you want. It's up to you guys.
Yeah.
I'm selfishly like, let's just get rid of that entire camera, that angle, because I look like a blimp. Let's just do a head-on from above, the entire special.
Yeah, I think about it the whole time I'm on stage because I slouch like crazy.
Yeah. I do it the whole show because it's now I'm doing the round. So it's like half the the whole audience is seeing my hunched over back. And the weird thing I do with my hand behind my back, which I never thought anyone was going to see. The whole time I'm going like this. It's really fucked up. It sounds like I'm being conversational, but you can tell I'm obviously internally like, fuck.
I had somebody DM me like, were you doing hand signals? I wanted to know what the hand signals meant.
Your whole thing sucks. Ah, this sucks. Fuck you. It sucks. You can hear every single person. There's so many people, so someone's going to be like...
fuck you yeah turning around to be like what did you say sitting back down yeah that would hurt i was talking to the guys what's that okay i thought so you're just dad in the back of the car just like knock it off excuse me shut up back there okay okay i was uh last night i was talking to the are you garbage guys about it and that was like they were talking about a thing they don't like doing and i was like yeah i mean i thought i was i was like i'm done with trump i'm gonna stop doing trump first show i did one minute in a guy was like
Do Trump right now. I was like, all right, I guess I'm doing Trump for the rest of my fucking career. Yeah, they yell out. You can hear them. Are you sick of doing it? Trump? No. I love doing it. Yeah, the material keeps coming. Yeah. Yeah, I got to. Well, this will be out. hopefully by the time SNL gets announced. So I'm gonna host SNL and it's like, I don't know what to say for my monologue.
I'm already like, oh shit. Because they tell you you're hosting pretty quick. You have like two weeks. You're like, oh fuck, what am I gonna say? And I was like, Trump will say something. He'll say something that week. He's gonna work on it. I'll just fucking make fun of that.
Yeah, because I don't like doing that. I think that sucks.
I think when comedians go out there and just every single comedian on earth is like, fuck Trump.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen him react to anyone doing an impression of him. That's true. I don't think anyone responds really well to that. If somebody does any impression...
Write it down. Dick too big for fourth grade. Notes. That'll come in handy in eight months.
I have to wake up at like 9. Mm-hmm. And I was always late. So you got to get that morning dump when you get to the studio. And then bidet. And then you go, I've never tried this. It's this button. It's close. You had the mothership. God damn it. And was it awesome? You can't believe the accuracy. So why don't you? I thought it was going to hit me.
Yes, they went... Anti.
No. And people were.
Dude, they got. Was it on? It was like a vacation with a coach.
Coach Sarkeesian to a cabin. Yeah, it was like a boy's vacation in the cabin. Yeah.
Did you get anything at the gala?
How much was she trying to raise her hand?
$50,000.
Dude, it was intense. Everybody I know will go to that.
Sexual energy. Very sexual. In the gala. Everyone's laughing, drinking, spending money.
Let me get you away from all this. Yeah, that's what I did when I was catering. You're going to take one of the parms.
If I'm driving a hooker, I'm going to go, come on. I'm going to kiss. One kiss. They're never going to know.
Of course.
It's this one over here. Where you going?
Yeah.
Who's going to wipe his ass?
Like that.
No.
That's fucking sick. From like $30.
Oh, yeah.
No, it wasn't really great. I was at Westchester University. I remember the first show I ever did. The first time I ever went on the road, it was a hotel outside of Pittsburgh in Mars, Pennsylvania. And it was in like a hotel lobby. And I bombed so badly that the club owner took me aside and was like, what are you doing with your life? And I was like, I'm a college student.
I'm studying to be a history teacher. He was like, why don't you just do that instead of stand-up? I was like, all right, man. I kind of took it to heart.
Yeah, exactly. I swear to God, it was in between shows. I still had a number of sets. I go up there like, this might be it. This is my retirement.
You know it all. Well, I don't know. I like World War II. I like American Civil War. It's great. Yeah, right.
Yeah. I love them both. Yeah, yeah. I like the Civil War one I like better. It's so powerful. The West. Vietnam is great. His Vietnam documentary was great. Yeah. Yeah, because I didn't know shit about Vietnam.
I did a bunch of Ken Burns material at my SNL monologue, and everyone was kind of like, what the fuck is he talking about? That was it. That was it. That was hilarious. It was recent, right? Yeah, every time my monologue doesn't go great on SNL, I'm 0 for 2 on those things. I loved it.
I like it. Look, I like it, and I'm having fun up there. But it was... Tate McRae was the musical guest, so the audience was like... 20-year-old chicks just in the front, and I'm up there talking about fucking Shelby Foote and Ken Burns, Civil War. And they had no idea, literally. Just some ogre walked out onto the stage and talked about Shelby Foote. They were probably scared.
Right. I don't know. You guys probably know what it's like. It's kind of uncomfortable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty uncomfortable, you know, with the imposter syndrome and depression and all that, but... You know, I just... I just drink a lot, so that helps.
That really fucking makes things easier, you know?
Yeah, there was definitely some moments along the way. I mean, hosting SNL when I did that, that was one of those moments because I had gotten fired from the show before and I was like, I just wanted to do it. Yeah, for four days.
It was, I don't know, but it was like, oh, great, we're going to go through this again. There was pressure because once they announced it, everyone's like, fuck him, don't let him back. And it's like... I was fine without it. I was, you know, I'm doing all right. But it was still awesome. And I was so happy they let me back on. And those people, everybody there has been, they've been awesome.
But it was funny. Back to the original, the question was those moments. I was with my friend, Dan Soder. He's one of the best comedians. Super funny dude. His name is Dan Soder. He's unbelievably funny. But he was like one of the first people to take me on the road. And then he and I were doing an arena. We were doing like the Cleveland Cavaliers Arena.
And I was standing in the tunnel before I went out there. And I looked at him and I was like, dude, I really just wanted to do a one-nighter at the local comedy club. I thought that was the ceiling. I don't know what the fuck this is. Hotel lobby would be nice. I don't know how I got here. This has gotten out of hand. Wow.
Yeah. Usually that happens when the joke doesn't land. Silence is even louder. There's fucking 20,000 silent people and you're standing there going, oh, fuck. That's much more powerful, yeah. That's a real powerful moment.
Yeah, yeah. It's the best feeling in the world watching one of your friends bomb. There's nothing better. It's the most fun possible thing. But yeah, that happens.
There should be. And you think you have one. Like, a good example is The Cellar is a perfect example because it's, like, four different rooms. And so, like, I would do... There was one night I did The Village Underground, which is a great room downstairs. It's one of my favorite rooms in the country. But I killed. I was doing... It was crazy how... I couldn't believe how good it was.
And then I was on next upstairs. So I literally walked offstage and walked onstage upstairs. And in your head, you're like, oh, I just... You go on with the same confidence you just had from killing. Where you're like, this crowd, wait till they fucking see this. The first joke doesn't work and you're just immediately crushed. And so it's kind of a mix of the crowd and you.
You went up there kind of fucking arrogant. And then as soon as they fucking shut you down, you're like, I just shut down completely. And then... At the end of my set, I did like a fucking Trump joke and they all laughed and I was like, fuck you guys. You guys hated me this whole time. You don't get to laugh now. I hate you guys.
I don't mind it. I really like acting, especially on Tires, because that's just me and my friends. It's all just our friends, so we can kind of fuck around, and you don't really have, you know, you can improv a little on that. Gotcha. I do have some kind of real acting coming up in a couple weeks, and I'm pretty nervous about that. We'll see how that goes.
Yeah, it's scary. And it's with real actors, and that's going to be... Yeah. Oh, boy. I mean, not real actors. I'm not, like, shitting on my... friends. But yes, you are. Yeah, you are. No, this one's real. It's not that bullshit.
They... Yeah, they weren't on board for a long time. And then, especially early, like I did a YouTube special. It was like the first thing I put out. And in it, I talk about my sister. And her addiction, I talk about my sister doing heroin on a YouTube special, and she was like, what the fuck? I was like, trust me. Trust me. It's going to work for us. Just hang on. Trust me.
It's going to pay off for me. It's going to pay off for me. All right. Oh, my God. No, she got an apartment and a Chevy Cruze out of it. She's all right. Okay, sure, sure. Chevy Cruze. There you go.
I'm not married. I have a girlfriend. She lives here with me in Austin. She comes on the road sometimes. If it's like a cool venue, she'll come. Like this weekend, I'm going to, tomorrow I got to go to Knoxville, Tennessee, and then Birmingham, Alabama. So I think she's going to sit this one out. Okay. She's not coming.
Because if you haven't emptied, you know... The shit goes away right away. The adrenaline of the stand-up, the shit goes away. The headache goes away. Because I've done a lot of shows hungover. And I've been like, oh, this is going to be terrible. And then as soon as you get on stage... It cures it.
Other than one, I had one show. I did Crypto Arena in L.A., and I did the forum the night before. It was the best week ever. I did the Greek the night before, then the forum, then Crypto. Wow. It was incredible. But after the forum, I'm buddies with Post Malone, and he came to the show. We're hanging out, and it's like 2 a.m. after the show. I have to do Crypto in the morning, but he was like,
do you want to come to my studio and listen to my new album? And I was like, yeah, definitely. So then he kept us there and we drank till like 6 a.m. And the whole time I was looking at my watch like, oh shit. So then I wake up and it's, I wake up at like 4 p.m. The car is outside to take me to my next show. And I was like, all right, this hangover will go away. I've done this a million times.
The hangover just didn't go away on stage. And I kind of fucking bombed at Crypto.
Yeah, it was like the biggest show of my life. Did you let the crowd know? They could see it. There was a jumbo drone on my face.
I literally just started a trainer. I'm on week two. I got to go to that today. Good for you. I saw some photos and I was like, all right, it's time to.
I need it. Otherwise, I would, you know, after this, I would go, well, that was tough. That was a long day. I'm going to take a nap.
And then stand-up. I'll always, stand-up's always number one.
Yeah, for sure. People are like, yeah, that's the only thing I do really. People are like, what else do you do? It's like, no, that's kind of it.
trainer maybe go to the gym buy the xbox then uh sure pretty pathetic what's the current what's the current xbox um uh favorite uh right now i there's a game called hell that loose that's uh It's pretty awesome. It's just a World War II... What's it called? Hell Let Loose. Hell Let Loose. Is there a headset involved with this? There is. People take it very seriously, which is pretty funny.
Yeah, it's multiplayer, and guys take it very seriously. It's like a World War II simulation, so there's no radar or anything. Like, it's... It's very funny. There's guys, like, you'll hear, you'll turn your headphone on, guys will be like, I need ammo on this hill. Where are the, where the fuck are you? It's pretty funny. It's really funny.
Yeah, now I'm friends with both of them. It's crazy. I was just in Ohio. I was just at Dave's house. Two weeks ago. Wow. And he built a club and he basically owns the entire town. He does this thing where he brings in music to this small town like an hour outside of Columbus, Ohio. I was there a couple weeks ago and it was like Wu-Tang was there. What?
Tiny 200-seat room in an old firehouse in Yellow Springs, Ohio. I mean, it's crazy what he's doing.
I don't think I'm good enough to build a town. I do want to be in Wu-Tang. I don't smoke weed, but I had to smoke a lot.
I think that would require a lot of longevity, and we'll see. We'll see if I have it. I think you'll have it.
It rose too fast. And now people are going to go, all right, that guy, the fucking Bud Light commercial guy, get him out of here.
I'm a big fan. Big fan of all three of you guys. You guys are awesome. Thank you. Thank you, Shane. Back at you. Thanks for being here. Thank you for being here. You're a great dude.
And how is it in Austin? It's all right. It kind of sucks. It's hot and humid. Hot already? I don't love it. I don't love it. Yeah, it's hot. It's going to be hot until December. Wow. It's one of the worst places I've ever lived.
It's literally the Colorado River. I don't know. They call it a lake. I have no idea.
I didn't know that either. Is that something that happens down there? Yeah, it's just the Colorado River. And it doesn't even look like a lake. It's just a river. There's just nothing lake about it at all. You could throw a rock across it.
he's right here he's got a gun to my head he's down there right yeah he's down here and he opened a club here and it was either for a comedian it's either New York LA or that was always the only two options and then he opened a club here so you can you know you can evade some taxes and do stand up here now he was a stand up right and then I remember he was on one of the greatest shows ever news radio so he was an actor for a minute right but he did start a stand up didn't he he's still I mean he's done stand up the entire time
Yeah, no, I want to hear it right now. No, it's going to be, Will doesn't want to hear it because it's flattering. Well, that's what I thought. I was like... So they asked me to help write for the movie. And I was like, if I write any material that's good, I need to keep it because I have nothing. So I was like, the only way to do it is just to actually do stand-up.
So he came down and we did stand-up. And I was like, he's going to fucking bomb. This is a lot harder than he thinks. And he was so naturally funny right away. I was in the back of the room like...
I mean, I think it's kind of, I mean, yeah, it's a skill, I guess, but it's also like, that's kind of how I feel most of the time, you know? Like I don't, I don't like picking a side on, I don't know, publicly picking a side on an issue typically comes back to make you look like a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, unless it's like a glaring thing that you should support. Whatever. But I want to go back to the Austin thing. So the first show we went up and it was fine. The second show we did like an hour later, it was great. And it was really frustrating how good you were at it. Oh, with Will? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was reading a script and it was still funny.
No, he wasn't. They did it themselves. In fact, I read the material first and I was like, I don't think this is going to fucking work. So wait, so what type of... I didn't want to say anything.
uh it was it was more storytelling but it was uh it was exactly how i like the stand-up it was it was stories with jokes with jokes within it which was do you remember any of it willie or have you deleted the files can you give us a taste no well a lot of it as shane knows he read it because a lot of it is stuff that we use uh in the film so we're working on it so it's various stages of
No, we were laughing. I was just at the Cellar this week and we were laughing because there's a comedian there. His name's Will Silvance. And Will's playing a character on stage. And after the show, he goes on with the comedian and asks questions about the set. And I think he took the set very seriously. It was like... Man, I'm really sorry you're going through all that. Oh, really?
Yeah, I would say yeah, although, I don't know, I used to be a lot better at it. Now I'm kind of just, I should be like that, and I'm not. Okay, great. I got to work on that. I got to go back to only thinking about stand-up. Okay, for real? Yeah, I mean, otherwise, I don't know. You feel like you're not coming up with any new material.
I just kind of, I go, this could be a good idea, and then I go on stage and try it. And if I get it, great.
no i mean you yeah you do that for like like i'll do if i did stand up tonight i would do basically 10 minutes that i know i know but i just know every word to it and then i'd maybe try five minutes and see what happens and uh probably abandon it and then have one of my friends in like four or five months go hey that was a funny idea and then i'll try it again
I think they do that sometimes. I told them I didn't really – I wouldn't want a date on it, maybe 2026, because I got to – Right now I'm doing arenas, and I don't think the best way to work an hour out is in an arena because it's just different. I don't know. I think I'll do arenas for maybe the rest of this year and then go down back to clubs and really... the hour that I'm doing right now.
Yeah, I was washing dishes at my friend's restaurant, and I always thought I was funny, and I just had no idea how to get into stand-up. And then one of the cooks was like, I'm going to go to open mic at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone tonight. And I was like, oh, you can just do stand-up? And he was like, yeah. So I went and I watched. And I thought everyone sucked. And I was like, I can do that.
And then I went back every week for like two months just watching. And then I finally got on stage and I fucking bombed. I was like, I don't have to write any material. I'm just funny. I just got up there and couldn't talk. It was crazy how bad it was. Right, right. Yeah. Stopped for a while after that traumatic experience, but I always still wanted to do it.
And then eventually I went back and really applied myself and tried and did it.
They have fun and they forget that they're on Mike and times have changed. They don't give a fuck. They don't.
People like, what kind of music? Anything except country. Anything but country. That was the standard. That was the thing. They wouldn't mention polka. Right. Have you listened to polka?
Fucking Beyonce's doing country. That's how popular it is. Right? Oh, shit. Is she doing it well?
They're scary. I love Dave Smith's point on that. He's like, the left is like. The left is going, no, trans people should also kill innocent people in Yemen.
Yeah. It should be don't kill random people at a wedding party.
Also possible. Yeah. I didn't know those guys.
Yeah. And that's been Bush, Obama, Biden, Trump. Just kill anybody, label them later.
Such a crusher.
Suicide drones is such a great term. It's just a bomb.
And the ones who dance at clubs. It's the methiest molly. Gets you going.
Oh, yeah. I saw it on TV.
Don't turn around.
Yeah, they want hungover people.
When I moved to L.A., it wasn't the first time I realized how phony Hollywood is. He came into the improv, and all the agents and managers and the suck-ups were like, John, you look amazing.
And Michigan's not even good here. But it's nice to watch. But they haven't lost to Ohio State. So it's like a great MMA game. Okay, here we go.
After that, you've got to show Billy Joel in USSR. We've done that, too. We've done that as well.
He saw this and goes, I'll be back.
No, he had one other big one. Right off that one. Really? Yeah.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
That's like, okay, good for a staff.
He was so good. If Ozempic was earlier.
Go from a fighting style of this to... Also, all that chewing.
Your jaw is one of the weirdest things.
I thought it was one of those. I was like, you guys are wrong about this one. It's not a trans. It's actually just some. It's a biological male.
No, no, you gotta uppercuts. It's like they have all the technique down from years. You know what's really dark?
I told you not to bring that up. It's such a good, like, help me out here. Give me a good pitch.
Both sides are going to blow that bubble. Yeah, they don't play no games. They actually maybe come together on who gets to blow it up. Maybe that can bridge the gap here.
This is going to be your life now forever.
She is trying. Gamefully employed, who cares?
But this is when they got the South Park kids to fight against Harbucks. What's Harbucks? Harbucks coming in.
Harbucks. Make the kids do a story about it, and they're like, ah, all right. And everyone's like, the children are upset. It's the easiest way to go to get your calls done. Let a kid be crying about Trump.
Yeah, none of the climate change people are like, these bombs are increasing the temperature.
everybody's saying dead babies are bad. They go, well, let me see where they were from first. It's crazy how everyone's just not, this is all just terrible.
Are you on the Ozempic?
We just want to track you completely.
It's all the tax-free states, too. Florida, Tennessee. Florida, I don't know. Tennessee, for sure. It is a bummer, and the only way you find out is when you're doing the show in Tennessee.
Yeah, but then sometimes it goes like, it's not registering right. It's not doing it. It's like, come on.
I'll tell you the result is, I go on Xvideos now. Xvideos. More regular chicks. Now I'm turned on to just regular bars. Before it had to be at this level. Now I'm like, you only got 10 pounds extra. I'm into it.
It's rough. Bad lighting, bad stomachs.
I'll talk about it afterwards. It's fucking sketchy.
Big J's doing great.
He's slowly going down.
He's like slowly going down.
Yeah, fire him up. Greta Thunberg going to Palestine is like those people going to the uncharitable islands and be like, hi, I'm Christian.
Jesus, you've forsaken me.
How about the dude who was a Rockefeller?
Yeah, he fucked up because he said, I'm actually very important where I am. They go, oh, that's more nutrients.
Pull it up. I read that it's because also he was an important man in America, in another country. That's better to eat that. That's a good person to eat.
I wonder if he's telling this at a party. He goes, guys, just so you know, they were going to kill him and eat him anyway.
Jamo's been around for 130 years.
What do you guys do?
We all would have done it. We all would have given him a handkerchief. Not knowing what it's going to be? What does this mean? What do you mean?
Yeah. Because he's already killing and eating people. You don't know what you're getting.
Pissing on the tree in Midsommar.
In Midsommar. He pissed on the tree. He's like, what are you doing? He's like, I just wanted to piss. I don't know what that is. What is that reference to? Oh, it's a hell of a movie. Midsommar? Ari Aster?
It's a horror film. Good rec. Yeah.
It's pretty great. But it's cool. It's an A24. Anyway, the reference. Forget it.
All of them. Let's get rid of the actors. I'm all for it.
Yeah, we don't have to hear from him.
Let's get these guys not at their best. Play Freebird 40 minutes in. Yeah, we'll do some Hitler stuff.
Get a couple drinks in there. Some Hitler speeches going. Hey, everyone play Come Out of the Closet.
Yeah. It's wholesome. It's nice now. That's like when they changed the Let's Get Retarded to Let's Get It Started.
It might be. 100% might, in the end, be bad for you.
He used to come into the store, Little Richard. Stay next door. Really? Stay beyond us.
I blew it the last time it's Theo's I
Yeah, he lived at the Hyatt back then. Holy shit. Weird.
I think Val Kim will live in a hotel too.
It's the right level of coke where I think I have powers.
Oh, 100%. That's what a maid is like. You're coming in, you're coming all the way in.
If it don't fit, don't force it. You can grease it, make it easy.
Oh, yeah. It hits different when you know it's gay.
Fetty Wap could do it. Free Fetty Wap. Free Fetty.
Juicy J could pull that song off of your lips. Yeah. He never came off his game.
Can't get a mouth pregnant.
Just wear masks.
Crazy English mob show.
They need a rating system back on TV because I am too deep into these shows where it's like, oh, this is made for children. What are you watching? Paramount Plus has stuff on regular TV and stuff like that, and they just blend it all in together, and you don't know what you're getting into.
So you need that, otherwise you're like, I can't have it? Anyone's made for this? They're half deer, all the kids are half, like, animals.
I saw the first, yeah, yeah. You just see a season end, you're like, oh.
Rug. Rug on the stage also.
It's like not made for adults.
More violence? More real violence. It's just too sweet.
Terrible idea. Don't do it.
The show's recommended rate is 10 and up.
There you go. You're over 10.
He's going to shoot the antlers and not them?
Triangulate, right? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. They kill all the birds. They kill birds and present it to you. Yes.
I love those missing cat pictures on the... On the post? Yeah, in L.A. Guess what? It's like, buddy. They're gone. You ain't getting that cat.
Terrifying. That's so scary. Filming crimes is a very... No, that's a hard stage. We're already watching it again.
Just like humans. Appalachia wins over New York City. If Dallas had to fight the ranchers?
It kind of gets enveloped into the stage.
But that's all... That chicken's cost is worth you saying that. Oh, 100%. Yeah, 100%. But...
Damn. Honeydictum?
What's that term?
That's what the Mormons do.
The Mormons are out in Salt Lake. They sent all the cute ones to try to convert you, try to get you in.
It's a fucking hot water lady if you're 21. No, but the problem is it's a Utah hot, so it's like a five.
The ones out, the ones still in are chubby and fucking not tattooed. You see Japan. Good. Ari's like, they have me tattooed for I like them. That's hilarious. Anyone in Utah that's out of the Mormons that are just like, fuck, sleeves, heroin.
You ever get an accidental joke where you say something and everyone laughs? You're like, oh, I can see the double meaning on that.
Just leave it in, no movement. She's like, that's what I like. I'm like, whoa.
New York. You got to get an Amish lady.
Also, you know you're going to blow if you're soaking. I blow just being next to a girl.
Deep in the whatever. But like, yeah, Reykjavik rules. It's a cool drinking town. Yeah, great town. Interesting.
Yeah, what percentage? They're all the same.
I don't know what they're going to do with my spit. I know.
Yeah, it's not everywhere anymore.
It's funny, the corporation's like, oh, we don't have to anymore? Turns out we always didn't give a fuck. We never once actually gave a fuck.
It's not an official thing.
Isn't Title IX where they have to get women's sports money?
Matt has a joke about it.
I think he did it in a special.
Yeah, where it's like he went to Iran or something with his chick, and she was like, we're supposed to come here. I was like, you let her talk to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, I'm going to take my baby on a nice vacation.
I love that moment. You say something out loud, you're like, actually, that might not be.
And so you're not gay, you're trans, so it's like...
Ayatollah Khomeini.
What? During the entire Khomeini's rule? That's crazy.
Oh, yeah. He's pushing at them.
We had it. Edgar Allan Poe.
Dogs do that every one night stand. That's mostly. You're like, I want to get out of here.
I've seen it at the dog park all the time, and it's so funny because the owners get like, hey, I'm so sorry. And the dog's like, leave us alone. Right. We don't care.
The owner's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
They just do it real quick and get out of there.
Always. I saw two guys get in a fight, Jim Painter and Carboni. And they were watching a dog. We were all watching a dog fucking a chick. And Jim was like, she has nice tits. And Pete Carboni was like, what the fuck? She's getting fucked by a dog. And he's like, that has nothing to do with the tits. The tits are nice. What does it have to do with it? I'm glad they had that argument.
That's everybody's internal argument about whether her tits were nice or not.
I think Jamie's not looking up because he's still worried about that money you owe him.
Comedy wasn't paying.
What was this, a year ago? Yeah, the drunk Mexicans on Fridays. Just steal money off them on paydays. You can just say Mexicans. They would just go all in with the jack food. Yeah.
You got to know when, oh, it was great.
It's the mathematicians. My math wasn't great. These other guys are crazy. They know the exact note. But mine, compared to just a regular, I was pretty good.
You play with the fucking owner of the Lakers. Didn't know what it was going to become. And then Jose Canseco was there. But you're all equal. Tournament. You're all buying for the same. And then I just started smoking weed. At the time, so I could see through people when I was high. Really? Oh, yeah.
You're just like, got it.
Yeah, it was nice.
Well, I played with the bank. Oh, jeez. So, like, whatever I had already won a little bit, it's like you're just playing out of there. And so when you, like, win big, you see all these, like, guys kind of looking at you as you're going to cash in, and you're just like, can you keep this money here for me for next time? They're like, yeah.
100%. You leave with $12,000 on a fucking second place victory at fucking Hustler Casino or Hollywood Park.
Just get a gun.
And then you go like midnight one, go down there. And then if you played for like five hours, you're all right, leave. If it's seven, like, hey, it's rush hour. That means you got to play for 10. You got to miss rush hour to get back. You just be there forever.
Oh, yeah. There's no windows.
It's just like- It's like this. Different world of people, too. Real degenerates.
Same as the pool hall people. Probably those are worse, probably.
You get to know each other. Yeah. Like, oh, you're regulars. You talk all the time. It's just like, we're all trying to steal money from each other. Yeah. So we're like enemies, but we're being friendly.
It's like something to do, you know, after a show. Okay, cool, an hour or two. Seven. At some point he's like, Joe, can we please get out of here?
Yeah, you can catch heroin or you can catch fishing. Yeah. That's a better one. Fishing's a better one. Pool's a better one.
I had a call duty problem where I'd oversleep spots. You go to sleep at like 4 p.m. You know, just like up, up, up. And then you're like, oh, fuck, I missed my spot because I was sleeping. Man, you've lived a lot of lives.
You could die, but the people didn't know that they were robots. They thought they were in the game. Right. But they were like, whoa, who am I?
We're all ones and zeros. We've been in the AI for a long time. Did you hear that theory?
Humanity ended hundreds of years ago, but they mined us for our info. Well, this is just what reality is.
Yeah, what happens?
Nobody's going to do a single thing. Eventually you've got pussies so big they'll have to flop down to freedom.
That's what I'm in the name of. That's old school. Right. That was old school.
That's the number one thing. You go, like, give my son a big dick. Let's see what happens.
Oopsie. We also made them way more intelligent.
You're like, damn it, good point. And they leave to find a woman to beat up.
Then they'll shoot you to school. It must be crazy. Yeah, if you have a son, you just have to get him to not shoot up or rape until they understand why both of those are wrong.
They don't need it.
You wear cups for jujitsu?
You wear a pitcher.
Yeah, the extracurricular skills off stand-up is interesting. Bobby Lee can dance well and skate.
Yeah, and some math. Yeah, certain guys can get into other sports. Andy Haynes can shred on skis.
There's certain guys that are just like, what's this other thing? Right.
Really? I would never have guessed that. It's like there's people that can do something like what?
Wow. About kicking that guy. Some young comic was trying to get in with him and be cool, and he was making fun of his kid. Just too familiar. Jason Kanter.
He just kicked him. Boss kicked him. Broke his ribs. Yeah.
Broke his ribs. He was like, actually, nah, Jason. Nah. Just broke a rib.
I think I heard Jason was like, no, I was out of line. He was.
You got a story? Barkley threw a guy through a window.
Barkley threw a guy through a window at a bar. What? Charles? But there's no video. He could just do it. Whoa. The guy was being too close to me.
I'd be 6'5", but I rebound like 6'9".
I love when he was going to do the play-by-play or color, whatever, for L.I.V. For golf. Yeah. The colored comment. For a live golf. And they were like, well, that's evil. He goes, where did you get your money from? Don't you all do iPhone ads? That's easy on the judgment.
It's coming out tomorrow or the next day? It's coming out tomorrow. The song is.
The math don't seem right. It's so funny.
And the officer's like, okay, you can just talk to him with an arm's reach.
You're like, you're rich. They're like, I wasn't raised rich, so that's who I am.
He was out of his, he was walking, he delayed himself four seconds.
He comes at him with, like, you want them? Okay.
That's scary because that could happen to anybody. So he had to go to court. Hey, what's up?
Florida does rule.
I love Florida. What was that medicine they give you during COVID? I forgot the name of it. Ivermectin. No, no, no, no, no. The treatment. Monoclonal antibodies? That. Yeah. That's what I was trying to remember.
It doesn't seem right for her. For her. That she wants more than that.
When I was down there, you were like, oh, thank God you're in Florida. Okay, cool. Do this.
Jews? Olds. Oh, yeah. They don't come to shows.
Cocaine, Jews, trannies.
Before we got to the store, somebody pulled up in a limousine. It was a door guy. And I was like, ooh, who's this? And the manager's already been jaded. He goes, somebody with $50.
Made a deal with, the rumor was, Leno and Letterman said, hey, all three of us, whoever makes it, we'll take care of the other ones.
Yeah, if he didn't have a guitar, that's a strangling.
Sounds like a deal you make one night while you're drinking, not a real deal.
It's Shane Gillis, Dave Chappelle, all talking about it.
WB the Boston and the Seattle the competitions with But it was like it was like weeks long so you had to either keep going up there or be there Yeah, that's yeah. I was like that was hell.
He's Lisa Loeb. Remember Lisa Loeb? Did she do everything? She had a top five hit on a subway. Whoa. And then every label was like, we want you. And she's like, well, hold on now. I think I got the upper hand.
Or a Seattle resident.
Did you do any competitions? I think I lost one to Sam. Yeah, I did a bunch at the beginning.
Atlanta, Muriel. I think he ended up winning. I think we're both in the final. Oh, the Laughing Skull.
He did win that. Did they just kick them out? Huh? Did the Vortex just kick out the laughing skull?
I don't know. I think the Vortex said, like, you guys got to go. The owner's got to go. Pull it up.
You got to pee?
It's a headline. It's just a headline. 85 seats.
Someone's got to film the special. There's no space for cameras, but someone still had to.
Yeah, Atlanta's a great comedy town. What happened? There was this headline I kind of passed by for a second. You ever do those and then go and you're like, I wish I actually read that one.
But it all goes into your brain. And you know the headlines are all lies. They're all lies. Made by some other, not the writer. So you're like, oh, okay, I guess it's that. And you're like...
What does that mean? There'll be no Laughing Skull or just the guys out?
Laughing Skull Lounge will still be open in the Vortex, but not as we know it today.
No, no, no. Nobody cares about the name. Wow. It's the venue.
Nah, the rooms are important. Size of rooms. It's not a Chipotle. You can't just reproduce it somewhere.
No, because the actual room, the old stand versus the new stand, they're different. The La Jolla Comedy Store versus the regular Comedy Store. The Comedy Store versus the main room. Those are different rooms. Elliot Page. Yeah, Elliot versus Elliot. So it's like you can't reproduce that.
Yeah, you ran it well. That part will be reproduced.
Those are different.
And the location is big. Like what kind of people are in that area already versus like.
It's a specific. Smoke is built into the walls. Evil is built into the walls.
It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. And then he would go and crush it.
I'd love to see him in that little of a room. A few people know what that means. Oh, yeah.
It's just plastic made in America. Hold on. I'm going to piss.
I saw him tell a story about what's his name, fucking with him too, about me.
I was like, thanks, man, appreciate it. And then a year later, I'd be like, so, you all right? I'm like...
He also said, like, when he told me that they said you had cancer, I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, they said you had cancer, and that's why you're like that, because you don't care anymore. Ah! What?
The guy's dying. This was 15 years ago. It was so crazy. Let him spike your drink.
It's funny that... That's why he's bloody, right?
He must just be passing through the room, saw him watching any stand-up, and goes, oh, that guy's got cancer. That's amazing. And then got in a beer.
Yes. Like a sitcom. Because he was a lawyer, so he could build this off your life. That's what they always do. What was your job right before this? Let's make a show.
That's why he got tires.
Check it out. On Netflix.com. Drop ship you a fucking CD. Watch it. Mail it. Check your mailbox. Check your mailbox right now. It's going to be a DVD with the tires. Hopefully it didn't send you first season. It's going to skip a little.
We all got shit on there. That's right. But yeah, tires.
You've managed to reign in trash Kylo in a way. It's un-reignable.
Hold on. I mean, she was my employee for a long time.
What was the line you had before? It was how to talk trash. It was like... I spilled a coffee colada on my scratcher.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, he brought his own outfit in?
You've got to run into him.
It's also nothing ever happens. It's every day. It's like a fucking India-Pakistan.
You're like, this is it. Why am I going to be aware of this? Yeah. I guess all of us remember before it, right? You're the youngest. Yeah. Yeah. But still, it's like, those were good times.
And so it's like, I get we have better stuff now, but like parts of before were okay.
You know, throwing up on the street and you got to worry about somebody's filming you?
That'll happen to us tonight.
Yeah, it's 80 people coming at you to do, it's a fun thing, a show or something like that.
And it's like, it's too much now. I'm supposed to run into you and say, yes, I can do that date.
I need an answer now. It's just constant.
What is the plan of the official tonight?
Oh, I guess we won't tell. I knew we were doing a show. No, I mean this tonight. When this airs tonight, but we'll tell. Well, at least we'll be safe in that green room.
Wait, isn't that right? Oh, yeah.
We were talking about it yesterday where it's like, what's the plan usually? I'm like, okay, so we get way too fucked up. Then we go shove meat in our mouth. And then immediately we're like, you're on in five. I'm like, okay. Run to the store, get up. Or with the mothership and then get up and then be like. All you got to do is drunk.
And the OR. Yeah.
It's either OR or belly.
Because the main room is also the OR is the main room.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm always like you're in the store tonight.
Well, you built it with that in mind Yeah, I mean it's there.
You work out. Wait, isn't that where Brody was on Seroquel?
He's not gay anymore holocaust denier Did you wait a week that night ten minutes?
But for a moment, he believed it. The way we're all like, I'm not going to do this one evil thing anymore. I'm not. Imagine if the whole world didn't want you. That's the most brutal thing about homophobia. You want some though? Fuck.
I think he was. I think that's when he got off.
How many times have you quit drinking for a week or quit weed for a week and then not made it that night?
Irish people have exported the bar, the proper bar, the best way. The Irish bar is the same in every country in the world. Yeah, and it's the best.
Somebody gave me some Nazi money. I have a wall for my You Be Trippin' podcast. I put money up there from different countries. Somebody was like, you want some Nazi money? I'm like, yeah, I want it for sure.
You're not revering him. You're just like, he was notable.
There's somebody who's like, I was reading Mein Kampf just to read it, but she was reading it on the bus, so she had to go.
Adolf Eichmann. Not just on a piece of paper.
No, Eichmann was. That's right. It's not Adolf. Oh, here we are. Here we are. This is where this show goes. It always goes here. How much is that Holocaust?
It's in thrift stores, too. It's not. I've seen them.
I have a new version of that. Oh, no. The Chinese. This shit really wants that. The Chinese made new money to give it up for the workers during COVID. And it's all these scientists on their bills. They made a whole new bill.
He's a polarizing figure.
Wait, wait, that's so funny. I mean, it's a whatever bit, but like calling Hitler a faggot will get you in trouble for the wrong reason.
It was actually Eichmann was drove it more because Hitler was like, whatever you need to go. Eichmann was the one. That's where I think I remember is him going, let's find, we need an other. He was a smarter one about it because we need some other. And he goes, let's do the Jews. They stay to themselves. But he was like, well, anyone will do. Really?
He was the writer of all of it, and Adolph was like, that'll help us get nationalism going.
Powder. Yeah, we're upon stars. Jen Washington.
But that's the founding father. Same, same, but different.
Yeah, but you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know if his hats were just recreated like that. I wouldn't even know if you sold one of my hats. I remember an old, old pod we were doing at your place, at your house. That's how old it was. And it was like, we're talking about art from like the whatever era. And you're like, well, this one's hella old. We're like, well, how do you know?
And it was like, oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, you have no idea. Don't really know.
How much is Judge's 63rd?
You got to wear that while doing doggy.
Yeah. Did we talk about what Hitler did to Napoleon? Did we talk about this already? When Napoleon's tomb, everyone had to bow their head to get in. And Hitler built a series of mirrors so he wouldn't have to bow so he could look at it without bowing down. That's wild. It was before I go in. Yeah. Change all the mirrors so he could just go, you didn't get me, Napoleon. But he loved him.
Yeah. Interesting.
Shit on my chest to get hard.
I feel that way about a lot of them. I don't know. They told us and I could see them. That's big propaganda for Jim. He was pretty stupid.
Stanhope's got elephants. Stanhope's dosage is not your dosage for anything. For anything. Yeah, I woke up on Wednesday.
Shit on my chest. Yeah. It might have been accidental shit on meth.
Everything goes from that.
This is Elvis with karate.
No one can tell him.
That was karate, sir. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Shout out to Roots of Fight.
Just be like, I'm the best fighter every time. We went to Graceland. That's right. We were there at the same time. We went to the Graceland tour. The racquetball court where he died. He had multiple TVs so he could watch every channel in existence all at once. We had four TVs. Come on, man.
Like the first beloved star. Was he 60s, 50s? When was he?
He was already past the huge then. He was just fat.
But he got big.
His entry, I got something good. He got his entrance in some place where it's like, and he just walks here, the mic's there, walks this, and he's like this, and he's just going back and forth, and he won't take it, and then immediately goes and starts singing, and I'm like, what a fucking entrance. What a fucking entrance.
What's the hate?
So funny when somebody gives you drugs and you're like, it's strong. To who? Who are we talking about now?
No. It's a different guy. It's a different handler.
So I heard Dolly talking about him.
He's not making no difference in the wine house late. Wow.
This is like O'Connor before he goes on drunk. He'll be fine. He'll figure it out.
They go, two weeks, King. It's just pure talent that'll overcome the obstacles. Look how sweaty he is, dude.
He's a mess. He's the best. He's riding it till the wheels fall off. Give that to Oliver Anthony and say, run with it.
He's launching this song right now? Yeah. He's showing it to them. He's like, I know you're about to hear it all the time.
I'll be coming home.
You have a kitchen, you have a TV. No playground next to you to wake you up.
Or if you want a dog. Yeah, you want to have a room to be like, I don't know where to put this. I'll just shove it in. I always had dogs. My garage is fucked.
Sam Kinison pissed on Marc Maron's bed up there.
We're in the smoking room at a bar in Ljubljana. I think I'll film a special here.
Wow, what a weird thing he had. That was his big call. That was his big thing. That was his thing.
But you ever see Moms or Mothers? What is it? That's a brilliant one. What is it? He writes a script, realizes he can get some local, I'll try to be an actress, to read the lines. So they're like, oh, well, let's write crazy lines. And they're reading these lines not knowing what it is. And he goes, it's something like, yes, I am the curly-haired one.
I think we should try to fuck the curly-haired one. It's crazy. And they're just like trying not to laugh so hard.
They're doing some wild stuff. Locking a bunch of homeless people in a fucking room and just let's watch them.
I think this one's wild.
You're talking fish tank. Bum live. It's just like, it's real world. You're saying fish tank. Yeah, it's real world. You get the craziest people put together.
But they always got a racist and a black on real world. I'm like, let's put them in.
Yeah. Fish tank.
I saw it after... Who was with me? It was Patriots versus Broncos. So there's some fucking drunk Boston fans who were leaving, and some old man talks some shit to them. He goes, all right, better luck next time. He's like, shut your mouth. He goes, easy, bro. And then just leg kick to the face, knocked him out.
Oh, to the leg. A leg kick.
Yeah. Oh, God. He was like 60.
True, yeah. I guess it humbles you a little. Yeah, you don't care. I could do it. I don't do it to anybody. That's what I noticed about going to UFCs, the backstage stuff, is they're so quiet and just very chill, meek people. Very nice.
Nate's not fun. He's a different animal. Nate's an outlier.
It wasn't Storm the Field guy.
I was at that one with Epstein.
Epstein. This jujitsu guy. He caught a dude in a triangle.
To the cameras?
Einstein, Einstein. Damn. Amazing. His name was Einstein? Yeah, his name was Einstein.
He won. And he won, but they didn't give him the money. What? Yeah.
Like any black room? Like, we'll send you the check. I'm like, give it to me now. Give it to me now.
Yeah, right. Jamie, delete all the stuff I said about Hillary.
Yeah, if you're lucky. I saw you almost fucking beat a guy in Vancouver Island. Oh, yeah. He's like, I'll send it to you later. I've never seen him because the checks were always from him. They're coming. And he was like, give me my money. He goes, no, we got to send it. He goes, bro. He went to the back.
I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Write the check now. Pay me now.
Purple. They always say purple, right? As he was doing this, he was like, I'm just a purple belt.
COVID was the best. Noon, you'd be with DeRosa, you'd call Big J, like, it's 1202, you want a drink? That was the good thing about COVID, right?
How did he ever lose when he lost?
He beat Shamrock.
But when he lost in his prime, how did he lose?
You go outside, too, and just drink out there.
Because if he went full, he'd tire himself out.
Yeah, maybe. Exactly. Holloway's or Poirier's?
I think Max Holloway might be the number one guy for fights in this dance.
Really? He's Hawaiian? Yeah, they go. They love fucking fighting.
Smuggled in little airplane bottles and then like, what are you talking shit about Holloway? Are you talking shit about Holloway?
I know. It basically means whites only. Yeah, they should have just gone. That's all that is. How do you say it without saying it? Not all black farmers listen to talking weed.
Bro, that's so bad for your brain. I went three months.
Just my parents' house.
A lot of guys never came back.
I don't want to name them, but... I know what you're talking about.
Sober from alcohol. Yeah. Be clear.
And nothing else today.
It's funny to see them the first week, and you know that's where I was when I got back. I was like, hey, too close, too close. Lewis immediately goes... I'm like, hey, I'm still trying to... And he just licks your face. Come on, Lewis. But you see people like, hi. I'm like, oh, you just got back? Okay. It took a week. You've got to get back now, though.
And not moving.
This one only gets kids. It's catchy. It's catchy with the kids.
Kids was a big one. They always threw kids at you to make you like, oh, I guess we have to fucking take care.
Look how they describe this. It was actually really funny. We were all talking about it afterwards. It was so silly.
I forgot about it. That was really funny.
Thank God. It would have been way worse for her.
It could have been worse. My sister flipped her car once when she was in high school, and she was totally fine and totaled the car. The cigarette lighter was the only thing salvageable. She was fine, wasn't wearing a seatbelt, so she was on the roof of the car. And we're all like, thank God you weren't wearing a seatbelt or it could have been worse. That's what they always say.
There was somebody on this not happening at this. I fucking Irish Chicago guy forgot his name Sullivan something But he was listening to you lose and there's walked off a building and the nurses like the nurse was like It's only thing saviors. Did you not know you were falling? Oh
It's about fucking time. I'm feeling these envies, though.
Getting the yawns.
Yeah, Diaz did that once at the improv. Shut up, Jamie. It's still cold, dude. He goes, I stopped smoking weed and everyone booed. He goes... Oh, I mean, I'm still doing vapes and stuff.
He goes, no, I just hurt my throat.
You saw me fall down.
The hangovers are real later.
Forced me to move here. It was my favorite, too. Really? What a fun time. Really? You had time to think, time to hang out with your friends. Also, I had just gotten canceled. What?
I totally could have a drink. We're saying we don't judge you for your current situation. Thank you. But we would love to have you back.
It's also like, at this point, like, who gives? So don't drink. See, I have a different thing.
Same thing. It's not even like. You can't just have all of a beer.
I would gladly pay you tomorrow for one hamburger today. That guy.
Did you ever see the stories of Blow on the set of Popeye? Huh? The blow on the set of Popeye. Like the movie Popeye? Yeah, because they were shooting in Malta. They were shooting in Malta so they could be away from the studios, and they would send film cams back, and they'd send the empty film cams back full of cocaine for the set. What? Because they wouldn't check through the film cams.
Stoned. What a lame way to talk about blown out of blow. Dorks.
What advice did I give you when you went to North Carolina? It was something normal. Don't say goop. Make a fire on the pitch.
It's you, bro. 72 is a little hot. It's you.
It was a good bit.
It was not a bit. I'm legitimately, I was schwitzing in here. I was schwitzing too, dude. You feel better now? That'll be a meme.
I am hot. I mean, it's obviously the stuff.
I've got it myself. It's like, guys, you're both fucking off.
Because that was a throw down.
BLM, Me Too, this.
I remember you called me like, hey, you were right.
Let's platform this guy.
I'll take a little-y.
The NFL does the cancer research. 70% goes to administration. 30% goes to the actual cause. These non-profits. That's crazy. Yeah.
I'll do a little guy. Is that a short story?
You know how many times I've pledged stuff?
No, you don't really.
But that's a big thing with colleges, right? I just wanted to win before my dad does.
It's kind of crazy. I talked to one at Barstool in Chicago. He played at Indiana Center. And it's like, how much per year? He goes, 300 grand to transfer to Indiana.
And it's just like, that's a good living. I don't have to go into this for my life. I'm going to take my degree and actually start a life.
The only negative is you can't have a player for four straight years.
I don't like any of them. Let me see all of them. You don't know what the fuck that is. Oh, this is the one. It's open-end.
They've got to make them make a four-year pledge. Even then, the big schools are all going to get all the best players. The Olympics, they don't get nothing. The Olympics, they get nothing.
You said that they were all about that one. And now that new info came out. What's that? I thought you were like, no, that's actually not a trans. That's a different.
Micropenis, internal testicles.
It's normal. Come up with the pills, you scientists.
We got to go back in time and then shoot my dad up with this stuff to get me the real shit. Viking genes. Yeah.
The short stories are great, though.
You won't appreciate it.
Do a short story. How about that one?
Yeah. Cigarillos. Tiny cigars. Darius has those all the time.
Do you know what they're actually doing at the Forest Department? Every email they sent that mentions biodiversity gets bounced back.
They are so against the word diversity that biodiversity, those emails are not allowed to be sent from company emails.
Here it goes. Trump shares. Look at this.
It's like a lower level... Sizzler? Some reference I can't remember.
The wheels are off, bro. Chili's? The wheels are off. I love a Chili's. Cracker Barrel, whatever.
You know what the Pittsburgh salad is? Is that where you shit on a guy's chest?
You know how to do it.
He's towering over his wife.
You don't know your reference of a name you've never heard of? Why do you think he went to Seattle in 2016? Who is any of these people?
The picture you took of me.
Because I loved Metzger for two decades.
Cash Patil? Cash Patil? I don't know.
Jesus Christ. You know, Down Citizenship was just an experiment gone wrong.
Yeah. It was the South Africans.
Yeah, Matt's got his first birthday like four years ago.
He's going through it. Rock's like, you'll be mad if you make 30 grand if you have to give up half. Half at 10 million is nothing. Half at 30 grand. That's a fucking crazy song. Great tune. Reminds me of Mike Lawrence's joke on Ralphie Mae during Rose Battle. He goes, your wife's divorcing you, which is crazy to split up now and get half where you can just wait six months and get all of it.
It's so weird, too. He started in black rooms. That's crazy.
Black rooms will have you. They will have you.
Dude, Miss Pat got me a spot in Atlanta once. I was down there for something. And she was like, all right, go. And the show started at 8. I got there at 7.30. Doors are locked. No. Until 845. Then I go in, I'm like, hey, it's Pat Samuel. I go, we gotcha, gotcha. The emcee does almost an hour.
Yeah. And then he goes, oh, y'all, Billy from Iowa. Billy from Iowa?
Oh, is that me? What?
Yeah. Eight dicks in front of my manager at the time. Oh, my God.
I'm not secure with my hair.
You know, there's talk about some Donald financial problems in Atlantic City, and I said that Donald took his daughter for a drive through Atlantic City and said, someday, honey, your name will be at the top of all these buildings. That's if you marry a guy named Borgata.