Ari Matti

I'll go on there. What's your name on there? I'll find you on there. What's your name?

I mean, I'm not saying my name.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's fine.

You saw me eat a piece of white bread last night.

I took it out of my coat pocket and acted like it was a pocket square. And then your brother fucking stonewalled me, so I did it to him, and then I ate the piece of bread afterward, and he was like, oh, hell!

I remember. Good Lord, covered in sorghum. That's a fucking funny bit.

It's eight and a half hours or one Montgomery family sing-along. Yep, we have really long sing-alongs.

Ten years. It doesn't seem a day over one year.

Yeah. You've aged gracefully.

And you're still a substitute teacher?

Yeah, you're doing a lot of yes-ing. It's the and we have to work on. All right.

I liked the opener about the forehead.

That's a funny thing to say right away. Sam's a huge football fan. I do. Peyton Manning fan.

Football rules. Go on. Football rules.

Keep going.

What are your thoughts on holding?

Yeah.

Wow.

Picking up the Kleenex.

Yeah, yeah. Not 10 yards, though.

Whoa!

Hey, do you want to do the secret show? Yeah!

Time for Red Band to pretend like he doesn't know what that is. Looking it up over here. Keep looking. Clips for sale.

Do you like stomping wet dog food and stuff?

Why not? Don't you want to make money? That's where the action is.

Okay.

That's a good idea. Okay, yeah. Hey, I'm all about the money. If you can get some, get some.

What makes your feet so, like, sexually exceptional?

Whoa.

Disgusting.

Brutal.

Can we see one?

Show us the bad one.

Whoa.

Isn't that sexy? Whoa, you're really stretching out that sock. Well, there it goes. It's like watching a reverse birth.

Guys, I wish you could see this because you'd be incredibly not turned on or off.

Congratulations. Oh, God.

I got an idea for you for a video. There's a room in the Holocaust Memorial of Washington, D.C. with just a bunch of shoes.

Those boots are made for walking.

Sock it to me.

Except for a clap of your hands. Right.

I love it. It's like looking into the future right now.

When he was saying that, I just saw a bunch of fat dudes just kind of grabbing their arm in the audience.

If it wasn't for Kill Tony, I probably would have. No, that's why I would have.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, you can put it down no problem?

What?

Because you didn't have a ramp to get in? No. This is pre-stroke.

Wait, buddy, I'm sorry. I got a question. These people said you could park your RV out back. Who stole your RV?

Well. The one-armed man.

Yeah, what's that like, Tony?

Well, I meant more the super rich thing.

What a bitch. This lady is not a nice lady.

Do you regret not hitting it when you had the chance?

You never will, that's for sure.

Fuck, yes. That would go viral.

It's true. It looks... It's called Outside the Lines.

Okay. Yeah.

I've never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life. It's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing.

Turn over a new leaf. I don't do that anymore. It's childish.

Wes, do you have a favorite fabric?

This is very exciting.

Thanks, buddy. It's hard to concentrate. I see a lot of cleavage right that way. It's going to be difficult.

Where the fuck is the money, man? Check.

Left pocket? Yeah. There's no way.

Wait, I got to tie my shoe real quick. Okay, got it.

That was a fun trick, wasn't it, Sam? Yeah, it's my favorite trick ever.

T-Madness just challenged that fucking other retard to a fight.

Oh, well, whatever he's got.

You should talk to that stroke guy from earlier. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we've exchanged numbers. That's good. What? What number is your weight?

Stop fixing it, you hoe. What's your OnlyFans? No? Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, fellas. I got it.

Do you regret... Go ahead. Do you regret eating Wonka's blueberry?

They put the horny in horn players over there.

Oh, no. I mean, I'm a big fat guy, but get it together, probably. You can't be chicken frying bacon. Do you want to be my life coach? No.

shoes hey we should we should weigh the shoes first and then i'll get them i'll put them back on i'm gonna go three nine zero here okay i'll read it to you when you step on 420 for ari that's a safe bet i'll take the under i'll take 377 377 a very optimistic pick that is by the great sam talent

Well.

I'll take the win, you know. At some point the scale said, what the fuck, man?

Yeah. It said humans only. Oh my God. You should have taken your hat and glasses off. I know, man. Yeah. Have you ever weighed in nude? Yes. Yeah, that's fucked. I've done that.

Yeah, yeah. Because all the fucking young doctors come in to laugh.

It's fucked, man. Dude, you're 70 pounds heavier than you thought you were. Yes. Yeah. That is a big deal. That's one Tony.

It's been rough on the bones and joints, too. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I'm not a doctor. My wife is. I'm just gonna tell you, you should avoid wicker furniture.

It should avoid me.

No hammocks for sure. No.

Yeah, but no tip, just shaft. Yes. Because there's no nipples over here.

Wait, even Dee Madness... What are you going to say? Even Dee Madness can't tell them apart.

I'm colorblind too, D. Yeah, we're all just human beings. Yeah, but how much do you have visual? Yeah, I have visual. Yes, sir. All right. Yeah.

He just sight-checked me. He's going to pull my card.

I'm going to just be quiet.

He's colored blonde.

It's called the quality, brother.

Nature is healing.

The venue was built on that.

You're part of that bloodline, right? Yeah, we came a long time before things were recorded.

What gave it away? The fat guy walking down the stairs. Is he still walking down? Yeah.

Him and the Stroke guy are in a race right now.

You were doing really well for a minute.

I wasn't asking that.

This country's lucky to have you. Thank you, Soundtown.

I appreciate it. Your wife, for a living, is a retired chef?

Retired has a different meaning in this country. She's a part-time chef. Part-time, there you go. She's a chef who's on Smoko. That's good for me. I get it.

Yeah, you have like a Mitch Hedberg delivery, but like a fat Mark Norman face.

I thought his delivery was like Mitch Hedberg now.

Do you think it helps to follow a complete zero?

Maybe a little bit, yeah. It's a lot easier to go up after a human nothing, right? More like lean? No.

Lino.

Great.

Have you made any friends out here? Are there other warlocks in town?

If we had to guess which of these comedians was the up-close magician, it would have for sure been you. Yeah, no doubt about it.

You look like you kill women, is what he said.

If you're lucky, all you do is kill them.

Ah. Which is what? Let them put them in your trunk?

Uh... Did she just avoid your advances by going like this?

It was a show, right? It wasn't through a telescope?

Okay.

He's going to steal my damn wig.

All right, well... That laugh and stare at you was pretty evil. He was like, ha-ha.

Keep it up, fat man. I'll be wearing you soon.

Oh, yeah. What do you think you weigh? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Yeah. Like a lot of tears or like an Indian that sees one piece of trash? Only when the door's closed.

I cry at movies, too. Schindler's List makes me cry. It does. I hate the ending. Fuck you, man. That's fucking bullshit.

Yeah, wait until you get paid, then go the whole time.

I saw the name, and I'm like, oh, fuck.

You changed it from Hirsch to Z?

Why not H?

God. You're really making it easy on the comment section right now.

Because you guys can have spam, right? It's not real pork.

That's it?

Nothing else.

No, that's Jesus Christ.

Ari? Yeah, what's the question?

Barely. I paid $13 in taxes last year. I'm not happy about that. That's a waste of $13. Still kind of bothers me. I guess that would be the most Jewish thing about it. It still bothers me, the $13 I paid in combined federal and state taxes last year. Yes. I'm upset you brought that up, because I kind of buried that. That is more Jewish than me.

He's riffing, man.

Is he in jail or a floating glass box?

No, they weren't.

Yeah, they weren't prostitutes because they can't consent.

What's the craziest thing he made you do?

Yeah. His Wikipedia is hearty. More like a Wickedpedia.

What's the hourly wage for a henchman?

Sure, okay.

You would think as a Jew you would want to sell them to Iran.

Is that why your last name is Z now? Because of all the genocide you committed?

It's like five Gazans.

They just keep showing it from different angles. Look at the shadows. Where's the teeth, you know?

It's redundant.

A Jew rat is like saying an Italian Dago. All right. Are you scared that you just admitted this to millions of people?

Is she Palestinian?

Why do you keep saying you can't blame her?

Huh? She said on top.

What time do you have to be back in the home?

Thank you.

Kajistani. Yeah.

I got nothing, fellas. Yes. That means you can't read and you're not allowed to read.

Yeah. Hey, Ari, thank you.

Hashtag me too. Hashtag me too. Yeah. My goodness.

Is the gym just for petite brown people? Um... Oh, no. I said petite. Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay. Big Mike. You sign up as Big Mike.

There was a guy up here who was eating Muay Thai earlier.

No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

Yeah? We are the same.

Yes.

What's your boyfriend do for fun?

He's around?

Like around? Like he's a big fat guy? What do you mean?

Are you avoiding a gunshot? Yeah.

And that homeless person was Hans Kim. Yeah, you were like, what am I going to do? How will I ever be able to remember all my genius musings? And it was mostly like when dad comes home, we have a song about it. That joke was in there?

That was your boyfriend? Yeah. Have you always been attracted to much older men?

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Okie dokie.

I love America. Life is so good in America that you guys create your own problems. That's how cancel culture started. Bitches with blue hair with nothing to do. Can you believe what Tony Hinchcliffe said? Kill yourself, you miserable bitch. Life is good! Even me, couple of nights ago, I'm at home, it's 3 a.m., I'm fuckin'... By the way, this is how men look like when we jack off.

It's fuckin'... It's fuckin' dark, dude. Don't ever walk in on your man masturbating, it's fuckin'... Like, I don't know how women do it, but I imagine it's a bit, you know, like... It's a bit more feng shui, you know. Maybe there's a candle or something. Atmosphere. Dudes are just fucking on the shitter pants by our ankles, fucking...

And there I was, 3 a.m., I was doing my thing. And only in America can you do this. All of a sudden, I feel my tummy want a little bit of yummy. You get that Uber Eats? What? 3 a.m. Beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. There could be a hurricane outside. Pablo is coming, dude. On a bicycle with my burger. I pay five extra bucks. Pablo will parachute in, fucking.

3.25, I had a belly full of burger, belly button full of cum. What a country!

The whole show combined was able to match that.

Thank you.

My big fat ticket to America. I love him!

Double Ari's, yeah. It's going to change the world.

Life's been so good. Ah, the titties.

The boobies!

Them fucking corn-fed titties, you know what I'm saying? They really are. In Estonia, we have them all malnourished. When we just have the nipple, we're like, oh my God! I found one with a bump.

I got two special sex.

Christmas party was great. Every chick here was in a relationship. Amazing.

that's always a fun party it was everyone had a plus one with them it was a real fucking look but don't touch type of party I have been actually speaking of masturbating um I'm actually like incredible uh Like, see, I got too deep into the pornography for a while. I was down bad. Oh, also, in Texas, you know, they're like, no Pornhub, hqporno.com, not sponsored, it's recommended.

High definition, curated, curated by a pervert. Wow.

High definition. 8K. You see the bad childhood. And it was going so, for a while, I went off the rails, you know, like, just like my tabs started getting fucking shorter and shorter. You know when you go so deep that there's no more words, it's just fucking scribbles. So what I did now is like, I cut the porn out of my life, no more, no more! And now I just do it, dude.

Sam, today in the shower, from memory, bro.

Titties, titties, titties, titties, titties. Sam, Sam! No, I like did it in the, literally, in the shower, eyes closed, dude, like fucking, like I'm Neo, dude, I'm so fucking powerful, dude. Congratulations. It's crazy, no porn needed, just fucking instinct. I know, hard work, that's what I'm saying. Oh, you're listening to Big Mike over there.

I don't think you have a lot of cum in the side of you. It is.

It's like... Michael comes like this. Huh? Huh? Pew!

Ari, you're so fucking funny, man. Yeah, you're the man.

Thank you, Ari. Thank you.

You're so nice.

All the time, too.

This fucking guy.

It's unbelievable. I've never done this before, but in this show, I've been on at least a dozen times, probably more. But how would you like to open for me in San Antonio in February?

Boom. Look at that. Somebody hook me up. There you go.

That's off-the-book money, so... Oh, I love off-the-book money. Fuck Palestine.

We just added a show.

Thank you so much.

Tony just yelled at the Netflix guys, what the fuck's wrong with you?

It's two sacks, but it's still also just two testicles. They live separately.

Thank you.

Red Van hates Christmas because the cookies are for Santa. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, your algorithm's fucked.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

Do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells Juan Retard? LAUGHTER

Who's the Jew now, Tony?

375.

When he stood on it for a second, the scale said, help me.

342.

No.

It says 2618. It says the time. It's on central.

How could you be a door guy if you could get windage showing someone to their seat?

Come on! Really? Is there the spider from Charlotte's Web in the audience?

I like how there's a bunch of girls looking down like they want to be called on in high school. They're just like, all right, never mind. I was wrong.

Let's see some tongue.

He's dressed like in living color.

You look like Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian.

Don't do that. Do it. I give you permission. You have to carry on the banner.

Thank you. I appreciate that. For a podcast, this show has really become a lot of TV on the radio. What? What does that mean? This is the lead singer of TV on the radio. What's up, Tony?

31, 31.

I know what you mean.

We all know what you mean.

Who did you talk to for research about those jokes about eating pussy?

Yeah.

Yes. What's the state have to do with it? What's an at-will state?

You're like, don't ask, no need to tell.

Was that a $10 bill? It was a 20. I thought it was a one until it was in his hands.

I don't think he stole it. I know. It's just funny.

Nah, Cam's a man. Super consistent. What were you doing? How were you helping people?

Great setups. A lot of good setups. Setup after setup.

Tony, how much do you weigh?

How old are you?

41.

41.

You want to make it official? Hey, Little Beaner, let me ask you a question. Look this way. Your mom was Jewish? Oh, my God, she is?

Rudolph with your nose so bright.

Yeah, let's measure noses. Oh, yeah, I like that. What are we going to do, water displacement? Somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it. We'll smell where it is.

I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him. You guys ever fight?

When you were in school and you were young and you were bad and he had to hit you, did you just laugh?

No, no, no, no, no, no. So your mom's Mexican, or your mom's Jewish? No, my mom's fully white, fully white.

She just got the nose, just the nose.

Half white.

Well, it is genetic, so... Judging by me, I would say that's probably fair. That's probably fair.

100%.

I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

Hey, it's all luck, all luck. You make good cabinets? Always, always. Is it your own company? No, sir, I do, I service cabinetry. Okay. I'm as Mexican as it gets. They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything.

Absolutely. That's your only job? You ever work as an elf around Christmas time?

Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. It's my only job.

He directed a movie I was in. Me and Adrian Brody in a movie directed by this ShamWow guy. How insane is he?

Wow. Whoa. Hey. Yeah. That was a close one.

I think it's for how many it's spelled Dairy Queen.

Who the fuck would trust you with their kids?

You nasty motherfucker, Drama King!

Come on.

He got you in one word.

What the fuck were you doing? What'd you think that was? That was actually a mistake. No way. We was talking about Donkey Kong.

That was a Donkey Kong sound effect.

Bro, you're gonna have a heart attack. You gotta chill.

Me, you, Adrian Brody, Lizzie Lohan. That's my dude right there.

It was wild. You should look it up.

Yeah.

It's pretty good. It's not bad.

I am so fucking tired of being poor. I'm about to snap. When is it my time? Even if you make a million dollars now, remember when you were a kid, you thought million dollars, that's a fucking summer house in Italy, downtown apartment in Austin. Now a million dollars, woo, one bedroom in Pflugerville. Now I feel bad for millionaires. I'm like, fuck, Chick-fil-A is hiring. I don't know.

When you look at rich people, don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school? Like where they talked, where the bag is at, you know? Because my school was like, alphabet, Hitler. And then they were like, okay. Now go pay taxes. What the fuck was algebra? Teach me how to run a scam, you bitch. Remember when we spent three years on a triangle? I'm 32 years old, never even seen one.

Teach me about offshore accounts. And when you meet rich people, I always ask, I always ask, how? And they never say, always some real vague.

You know, rich people love to say like, ah, the right place at the right time.

I've been everywhere always. Let me in, rich people, come on, let me in the circle. Let's go, I get it. Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone. Let's go, I'm cool. Take me to Epstein Island, let's go. I'll fuck the kids. And keep my mouth shut. The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto, huh?

How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus? It's always your friend Tyler with like bong breath. Dude, Bitcoin's coming back. You want to be like, Tyler, the fact that this information has trickled down to you means we're already too late. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Wow.

Can't announce a tour without a visa.

I hope so. It's my birthday, Trump. Give me it.

Give it to me. I'm white.

The perfect specimen. Come on. I've seen your family. You love me. Superior genetics.

He's gonna deport you. I know, Ari, I know. I'm scared.

Probably, huh? He's scared. He won't. You think? I think he's too frightened.

What's that car ride like between the two of you?

Uh-huh. Makes him worried, maybe.

Sometimes I see, like, American guys here, they have, when they have the flag and they're, like, proud, you know, they're, like, fucking... When they hear my accent at a cafe or something, you can tell they're like, what the fuck is moving into my country now? Just another fucking accent.

No, not really. There's no Estonian pride? We don't have that fucking genocide energy, you know? What do you mean? You guys killed everybody. You know those people here before you. You know that, right, Shane?

I'm so sorry about that.

Yeah.

I went to Tulum for eight days. I just got back yesterday. Diarrhea, I have now. During the trip, no diarrhea. Street food, everything. Nothing. And then I got here. I went to the airport. That's where I got the diarrhea.

Who is this guy? Aaron Belisle. He's the one that we were talking about. He's secretly gay. We weren't supposed to talk about it. He looks cocks. Aaron Belisle loves cogs, loves sucking them, black, white, brown, whatever. Aaron Belisle, the cocksucker.

I ate, well, a burrito, I know. I came from Mexico, but I just felt like one. Can't remember the spot, though. I think it was called guacamole or some shit. That could have been the problem, huh? Because I've eaten chipotle. You've eaten chipotle? Big fan.

They do love me there, the brown women.

I've never had a hooker. I don't know. That's like an American thing, right? Get a hooker. What?

Well, I went to a strip club here, the one that's supporting the show, too. That was a wonderful experience.

I was at the Yellow one. Okay. And I've never been to a strip club where it's like... There's an Asian one?

It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know?

Because I've been to like Estonian strip club. It's not exactly like, you know, it's all like... What do they do there? Well, it's all women who don't have passports and they don't want to be there, you know?

They're like prisoners? Something like that, yeah.

If you look into their eyes, you get fucking... Hard? Hard. But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone. There's ups and downs to everything.

Bro, your voice makes me hate juice.

Tony, what the fuck did you invite me down for here?

What's up? Any fat people here? You're fine. I mean like medical fat.

He was fucking fat. I have one fat fuck friend. His name is Matt Fat Fuck. And one day we were talking And I noticed that me and Matt, you know, we have to use the same toilet bowl. And I noticed that the distance from Matt's cock to his asshole is quite a journey. So I ask Matt, what do you do? Do you just fucking shove it in there? And fat fuck Matt goes, no, I gotta choose.

So I ask Matt, okay, so if you go poopy, if you go poopy, does it sometimes happen that piss flies out too onto the floor and shit? Matt looks at me, he goes, oh yeah, all the time. That's what I respect about Matt. That even though he's cleaning up his own piss, he's like, fucking worth it. And then he goes, you think that's bad?

Matt goes, sometimes I come home and I fucking eat so much shit that I every hole shit, piss, and puke. And he has to sit in the bathtub. and just full Coachella. Just fucking. Now that should be the McDonald's commercial. Fuck the hot yoga girl with a burger. Oh my God, Maccas. Put my fat fuck friend Matt in the tub of his own shit, piss and puke and let the camera pan out.

And he just looks at the camera. Still loving it.

What's up, Tony? What's up, Brian? Hello, Garrett.

You know I got bad luck. Uh-huh. I was in Florida. Yeah. Fort Myers. Yeah. I found out that the show that, do you know who Tito Ortiz is? Tito Ortiz, yes. Tito Ortiz, former light heavyweight champion, UFC. Yes. Apparently he owns a bar called Tito's Cantina. And the person from Florida tells me, if you drive past this bar and you see a white Rolls Royce outside, that means Tito's in the building.

I drive past, Rolls Royce is there. I go to the bar, motherfucking Tito. Tito and three people, they're watching the UFC. So I sit down, find out they have a raffle. Raffle! I love a raffle. You know what a raffle is? You win shit. There's three other people at the bar. I'm gonna win this fucking raffle. I go to, Tito! Tito! What's the prize? He goes, it's a bottle of vodka. I'm like, eh, okay.

Then he goes, but the final prize after the pay-per-view is over A championship belt. Wow. And I see this fucking belt, and I love belts. Listen. I love belts. I love belts. I love belts. I see your belt. I'm with you. I'm with you. But it's a big, like, champion belt, you know? I never won in MMA. I'm 0-3, so I need a fucking belt. Me and a belt. I need that belt.

Three people at the bar, raffle, belt, championship. So I go, okay, how much the ticket? He goes, 10 bucks a raffle. Unbelievable. One ticket. It's a no brainer. I go, give me 30. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, what? I go, give me 40. So I got... 40 tickets. I got 40 fucking raffle tickets. I spread them out at my bar. Three other fucks. I'm getting this belt. I spread them out at the bar.

I took a selfie to my friends. I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to be a champion. You know. I'm high-fiving Tito. Hell yeah. So then, first round, they pull the vodka. Of course I win the vodka. I have all the fucking tickets. Yeah. I'm guessing a bottle of Tito's. Yeah, and fuck the vodka. It's just sprayed out. I don't have carry-on anyway. I want the belt. Exactly. Dude, my flight is at 4 a.m.

$400.

Dude, fuck you. I didn't even get a picture with Tito. Today Tito post, our champ at Tito's Cantina last night. Takes a picture with the retard. He goes, everyone had a great night. Oh, did they? Where's my fucking belt? I didn't even get a t-shirt. Look, this is me and my raffles. This is me and my fucking raffles.

Yeah, dude, I would look... Dude, imagine today I come out.

Hello. Any ladies here on OnlyFans? If you're not on OnlyFans, you are stupid. It's free money. Upload that pussy. Sometimes I see a homeless lady on Sixth Street, I'm like, lady, you don't need to be here. You're sitting on oil, lady! Upload that pussy! I have a friend, he's dating one of those OnlyFans girls, and when they started dating, he made her quit OnlyFans.

And he's one of those crypto, eh, the future. Now they're in a one-bedroom apartment with two cats. What an idiot! Dude, if I ever get a wife, My wife, kids, I don't give a fuck. Every pussy in this household is going online. Stand still, baby girl. We need a new kitchen. I'm like the Vince McMahon of pussy. This is a family business. Thank you very much.

What's up, my friend? Happy you're alive.

Well, I'm a bit nervous about these immigration comments. Hey, Mr. Donald, I'm white. Please, mister, remember. I'm coming from the other side of the border.

I mean, they're all saying, get him out, and there's a new guy, and you know, like.

Are there a lot of Estonian... No, I'm the only one here, so... Okay, perfect. And keep the rest out. As soon as I get in here, close up the border, Donald! We're fucking full! Fuck off, we're full!

I actually, I do. Some pussy's so cheap there, it's crazy. It's like $2.95 with the weekend special. You're like, what the fuck? At that point, as a lady, aren't you offended that your pussy's cheaper than a Snickers bar? And you can subscribe, jack off, cancel, free. You got behoove, bitch.

Yeah, but there's that excitement. You see what I mean?

I tried my first Twinkie yesterday.

First Twinkie.

Not the cake, not you.

I see why you guys are fat.

What a cute name for a heinous result, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Are you talking about actual Twinkies? Twinkie. It's the cream that's in the middle.

Actual Twinkie. I tried it yesterday. Apparently a big thing.

A black guy offered it to me.

Anything a black man offers, I accept. Wow.

A friend of mine got cheated on by his girl. Very sad. And he found out that she cheated the only way men find out that they've been cheated on. She told him. Let's be honest, men ain't figuring shit out. We don't notice when you get a new haircut. You think I'm gonna notice a sparkle in your eyes? You think I'm gonna notice an overall glow about you?

Dude, I can't imagine how easy it is to cheat on a guy. I could come home, the other guy's in the closet. Smell of sperm is all across the apartment. I'll still be like, baby, what you cooking? Is that full? You could have the other guys cum fall out of your pussy, I'll be like, holy shit, I'm killing it. I'll tell my friends, my baby girl cum white, dude.

Cheating on a woman though, different story. They can tell. Even if they don't have evidence, they'll just look at you, fucking... You'll just fucking... Dude, if you want to cheat on a woman, you got to meet that other bitch in, like, Guadalajara with a fake passport. You got to destroy the evidence after. You got to fucking... You might have to drown that bitch. You might have to...

You might have to drown her in the lake. Like, sorry, mamacita. But the bitch will know. Lo siento, mi amor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

It's pretty crazy.

Yeah, my life, dude, 12 fucking years. Nobody wanted me. The festivals didn't want me. Fuck JFL. I hope you fucking burn to hell.

They did, by the way. They went bankrupt. Somebody bought him. I hope he dies, too. I've auditioned to every fucking festival. I've been to London, Melbourne. Fuck you. Nobody wanted me. And then I finally found this motherfucking hardcore comedy community. Yeah.

Like, you mentioned that, like, you're obviously like... In Austin, yeah, but I think it's like the Kill Tony fans, they're always so cool, you know? They wanna be cool. You know, they don't wanna run up. The guys are always weird, you know?

Men, all men, all men. It's always men.

Men always after shows in the corner. That was a great new tag. I noticed you were fucking... That was a great new tag.

Fuck, I even, fuck, I'm blanking what he's done. He's something with money. But he's, okay. In the government. No, he's in the fucking European whatever commission.

I know everybody's been sending me this fucking meme this whole week.

Have you guys seen this fucking haircut? I know the guy, too.

I mean, in modern-day politics, you gotta stand out. Yeah. Yeah. He has a really hot girlfriend, too. Bang him!

It is a crazy haircut, but if you're in front of a commission from a small country that nobody gives a fuck about, this is a great start. You gotta stand out.

Oh, this is the prisoner, right? Yeah, that's the guy over there. I thought, and yes, you are very... Very prison.

Killers of Kill Tony, amazing, you know? Yeah, yeah. Dude, we go out sometimes to party. Dude, you should check out the crew we go. It's David Jolly, me, and Martin Phillips. These bouncers don't know what the fuck kind of Avengers are walking in. Just a fucking... The blackest guy you've ever seen. A fucking Nazi and a cripple.

It's like a... It really... It's like a fucking anecdote when we just walk into bars. Yeah. And I love the way they look at Martin from the distance. They're like, what the fuck? How fucked up is this guy?

Well, David Jolly's a real coupon.

Thank you to all the fans. Thank you for supporting me.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Wow.

Wow.

Hello. I have a confession to make. I eat ass. I'm tired of hiding it, ladies. Don't hide your asshole. My tongue is going up that ass. If you're a lady with a guy who doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong? A little poo-poo on your mouth? A little poo-poo? Gay boy? I don't give a fuck. I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official, squirt this piss.

I was at home like, I guess I'm a toilet. I don't give a fuck. Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth as soon as possible. Anybody on their period, save the tampon. I want to make some tea later.

Thank you.

I was walking home last night and guys will notice feeling, you know when you're walking late at night and you're like behind a woman you don't know and you're walking the same direction and there's that tension. She turns left, you turn left. She turns right, you turn right. And you're kind of in a rush. But you also don't want to seem like an assailant.

It gets really strange, you know, when you notice that she knows you're there as well. The body language changes a little bit. They start clutching the bag, warming up the hamstrings. And then there's a really tense moment, you know, like when they finally look. And now you, like, gotta try really hard to not walk like a rapist. would a rapist do this?

then you take an alternate route and then you reappear from another street you gotta be like don't worry I just live where you live thank you so much

To be honest, I was kind of stressed back there, huh? I love it. When the show started, they started booing, I was like, oh, dear God. If they boo near this act out, I'm fucked, huh? I love Nashville. Second time here for me. Oh, my God, what a place.

The beautiful women, they got them... You got white girls that got some badonkadonk here. They do. I love that you noticed that. Just a fucking... And I love the cellulite on your ass. I love it. It is... Feel those craters would come.

I love it. Kid Rock, oh, my God, such a big fan. Such an honor to meet you. I love you. Thank you. I love it. We both say the N-word. I love it.

It's my Def Jam shirt today. I saw it at the store. I was like, it's Def Jam time.

Yeah, I was at a secondhand store, and I was skeptical because it looked so big. But then I watched Def Jam all day. I was like, if they can pull it off, I got it. You know what I'm saying? I love it. I love it. I can't wait to get like a fucking onesie with my face on it. You know what I'm saying? You know that Def Jam shit? Bam.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's that chicken. They love the chicken. They love the fried chicken. Everything that gives you diarrhea. Yeah. Nobody has a solid shit in Nashville, huh?

You just pee out your butt.

Austin, thank you guys so much. You guys are, y'all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me and he's like, excuse me, has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Bryant? I'm like, nah, I just get Dalzeem from Street Fighter. Yoga flame. Yeah, but I'm not technically even black. Nah, like, I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah, like, we pretend to be black.

So, fuck that bitch, because today's Freedom Day. Justin Trudeau just resigned, and I'm fucking celebrating. 51st day, here we come. But yeah, I just got back from Japan, and people wanted to take pictures with me. I didn't know why, because I wasn't even wearing this jersey. It's a children's large. Yeah, I got it for my 40th birthday four years ago.

But yeah, honestly, I just want to thank Seaman Retention for the last 18 months because I'm manifesting this fucking moment right now. Thank you for even like, yeah. All right, TJ. There you go. That was your part.

All right.

It's a beautiful country. It's way better than, well. Are you the head of tourism there? It's great. I actually, oh my God.

Just over a year. I quit my corporate job. I've been doing this full-time. I've been touring. I went to Bangkok, open mics. I did a show in Tokyo. Just open mics. How hard are you bombing in Tokyo? I can't even imagine. Yeah.

Living the dream. Wow. So the mentality. OK. I'm going to be better each and every day. OK.

I'm a Republican from Canada.

It's just more right wing. If you think about what's gone on in the world, I feel like... All right, forget it.

Reputation management. What does that mean exactly? We protect people's reputation online. Oh, okay.

No, I'm asking. No, he wants to know. No, because I'm 44. I finally figured out this is what I like doing, and I'm finally fucking doing it.

I didn't grow the balls, so it was demon retention. Like, I actually finally grew the balls.

Possibly. I don't know. No, they were pretty supportive. They're supportive of me being here right now, so they're fucking awesome. Okay. All right.

I technically don't play. I play tennis.

Oh, you will.

Okay. All right, guys, that's a very earring-heavy episode so far.

Thank you, lady. Fuck you, bitch.

Oh, fuck all of you.

It is. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, he's cooking up something good here.

That watch ain't going nowhere. Look at that thing. I've never seen a more secure watch in my entire life.

I don't know if it's a solution exactly.

Wow. Yeah.

Prepare to be called a bigot, I guess.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Stacey, Stacey, Stacey. Oh my goodness.

What do you mean?

I'll drive you to the airport.

I'm pretty progressive. Like, I watch... Like, I can imagine a black guy. Like, if... I can watch... Wow.

I am white. Can you watch a black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy? I can. Oh, you can do that?

No, but, okay.

Son of a bitch. But the classic thing is that, like, it gets the... The more you're scrolling, the harsher it gets. Like, the more tabs, you know. You know when the tabs, there are no letters anymore, just these fucking... And you're just looking for the one, dude. Then it gets pretty dark.

One crazy- Well, you know, all the chicks are crying. Perfect.

You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help. The doors are locked. It's dark. It's a fucking storage unit with a couch. Dudes have sneakers on.

What's up? Sorry, I'm a little on edge. There's no porn in Texas. Give me back my porn! I'm a little on edge. Don't look at me weird when I'm in the bush waiting now. I gotta get my release. I love how some of my friends are like, yeah, you can watch porn in Texas. All you gotta do is get a VPN. Yeah, I'm just trying to beat my dick. I'm not Edward Snowden.

I'm trying to get my belly button full of cum. I'm not trying to rig an election. Dude, the first time you go to watch Pornhub in Texas and you see that fucking message come up, it's fucking weird. You got your lotion ready, dick hard. All of a sudden you're like elected officials. Legislation. And I've read the whole message.

If you scroll to the bottom of that message, you actually find out that you can watch Pornhub in Texas. All you gotta do is get age verification. And that means you gotta send a picture to Pornhub of your face holding your ID. Yeah! I'm not gonna do that. It's not like the porn I watch is illegal, but I definitely need to explain it. Thank you so much.

I've been to some janky, janky.

Dude, I'm like 15 again. I jack off to GIFs on Twitter now.

Dude, all I need is three pictures, I'm good. Fucking dark out here. It is. In the dark web.

I'm a laptop guy, you know.

Yeah, but I mean, the phone is there too, you know?

Holy shit, no. But I do remember when I was younger, I would watch like UFC and porn just back to back. I gotta tell you, it really fucked my brain up. Because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling.

Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay, from dudes on these Killers of Killtone, it's the number one question. Yeah. Nobody gives a fuck about my visa. Everybody cares about... And by the way, if you ask me whoever is gay, I'm going to say he's gay. Just so you know.

I was in Philadelphia this weekend, you know. Eagles.

They did that too, just grown men. No job, no nothing. When I went to Philadelphia, I'm a big sauna guy. There's no saunas in Austin. I'm a big sauna guy. And I was trying to find these Russian saunas. In America, all the saunas, like, the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna, because the gay people, like, own saunas here, huh?

So then I just had to go to, like, I found, like, a sauna place near the hotel, but I was fucking lurking outside just to see, like, who walks out, you know?

But I didn't go in. I was scared. Because I saw two guys come out. At the same time? Yeah, and they were like... Like, I'm happy after a sauna, but they were... Just a bit too loose, you know? Yeah.

We have some... We have, like, a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark, um...

Most porn comes from Ukraine. You know, Ukraine is like number one. Number one, baby. Porn, porn, porn. All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian and shit.

Romanian too, but... Why do you think that is?

It is.

I don't know. I think just the chicks are hot. They're clever, you know?

Yeah, they're clever.

There's that too, yeah. I want to look into their eyes for too long, you know what I'm saying?

You know, like if you would see the porn, like... Yeah, I know. Like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn you actually, you know. Right.

I've, like, we've all done that. Traveling beautiful woman.

Give us a little taste. It depends on, like, what's... Do you watch any of our stuff?

Howdy. A little bit about myself. Watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn? Yes? Good, good, good. I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos. Yeah. But I'm reading the comments. That's kind of where I'm at. You know what? The one thing I do like about porn, the one thing I do like about porn, nobody, and I mean nobody, is ever like, the book is better.

I do like that about porn. Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right? I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial. You know what I'm saying? We're not sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right? If you want to describe millennials, we're kind of like the generation of eating ass. and peanut allergies. That's, that's us.

What you gotta hope, hopefully those two rows don't cross, right? That's like Tony having to go to the hospital because Red Band ate a peanut butter sandwich, you know?

Yeah. What do you do for work? Pretty much this, man, yeah.

It's not a living, but I'm alive.

I don't really pay rent.

Parent's house, girlfriends.

No, no, no, no. I'm here now. Yeah, I live here now.

Yes, sir. You are here now? Like at the mothership, yes, sir.

Fuck, you got me. I do pay rent now.

But that just happened like two months, I just moved here like two months ago, so yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, probably like $500, $600 a month.

How do you do that? Oh, wait, did you say a month?

I've done enough shows. I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money. How much exactly did you save?

What should I do? Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy.

$2,000.

The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy. Yes, 100%. Okay, you stated the very obvious there. How much, wait, no, I'm curious. How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy, Tony? Okay, all right. Is it $3,000 a month?

Actually, you've lost a lot of weight.

I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually. I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there, drove here. All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes.

I woke up at like 3 p.m.

Because I'm a comic.

Yes, sir.

Where were you last night at 2 a.m.? I was at the Capitol, dude. I fucking... Yeah, no. I just drove here. I got super drunk last night after the show.

I took the bus last week and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there and he has the down syndrome. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. He just got it. And he notices me too. And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first is a pussy. And you know me, dog.

If you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck you back. So I stare this motherfucker down. And we keep going. I miss my stop. Now who's retarded, huh? And it was one of those buses, you know where the middle part has this slinky accordion? So every time the bus would turn, me and my guy would lose each other. And then every time it straightened out. There he is.

The only moment when he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops from the middle door, a lady enters the bus and she has, I don't even know how to say this, but she's got... They were so big that the tits were on the bus. She almost missed it. You know what I'm saying? And me and my guy, we like both at the same time, we like both look at the tits.

And brother, when we looked back at each other, The connection we had? That's how perverted men are. It's in our DNA. Because I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room. But at that point, we were both like... So ladies, get those milkers out and bring this country together. Thank you so much. Proof.

I mean, people like me, I have an advantage, so.

I was listening, but I had to go. I had to walk. Yeah. Dude, I was starting to bomb. Like, you know when you listen to comedy, you're like, what is stand-up even?

What are we doing? Exactly.

Yeah, it was crazy hot, the crowd. You get a bit too confident up there, maybe, you know, after some shows. It is ridiculous. I didn't like the Denver airport, though. You know an airport where you take a flight and then you gotta take a train? Bro, we flew 1,800 miles. Can we fly two more?

I can feel the energy. Hey, don't you guys think James looks like a cute dog with glasses?

I appreciate it. Which one of us is going to get a green card first, huh?

He lost confidence in four seconds.

Thank you.

How crazy for the girlfriend, huh? Dude, I saw you have a panic attack there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's up, guys? This is my impression of Italian Bill Cosby. Agabagool!

It's good to be here. I, uh... Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. I stopped watching the news recently. I feel like they're not talking about the important stuff on the news. They're never talking about how Bill Cosby's out of prison, you know? Never talking about how he might be Italian.

They're never talking about how Shel Silverstein would be, like, the perfect name for a Jewish turtle, you know? Don't worry, guys. I'm allowed to do that joke. My mom is actually a turtle, so it's fine. I've got the... Reptile pass. It's very good. It's very nice. I'm a confused man a lot of the time. I don't really know what's going on much.

One of my friends the other day was trying to talk to me about Wyoming. I was like, pretty sure his name's pronounced Yao Ming. That's not even kind of close. Where's the W, sir? Explain. We're at a P.F. Chang. Stop, sir. I'm not going to watch Yellowstone. That's ridiculous. I would never do that. All right, we'll call it there. Thank you so much.

Where at? Three and a quarter here. I started in Virginia, but, like, barely. Okay.

Three years ago, yeah. Okay.

I think you called me vitamin deficient. I, um... i'm still probably true i uh i'm from charlottesville virginia we talked a bit about the fun rally we had yeah oh how the tides have turned yeah pretty much that i think i uh so how's life changed in the three years since you've been on um slightly less bad now i uh i still live here still the same job at a restaurant i uh

Yeah, I play saxophone too. We talked about that. I didn't bring it last time. I didn't bring it this time either, but you guys have a much better player here. I do get to play saxophone for The Absolute Show. It's a show that Lucas McCurry and Liz do at the Creek, so that's fun.

I play basketball. I like to get high and play chess and do very badly. It's kind of a fan. Okay. Make it harder on myself. All right. Yeah. Go on walks, you know? Really exciting stuff. Really super, you know, buy weird sweatpants. I don't know. I don't know. All right, Will. Mostly just the stand-up and saxophone, I guess.

Lazy. I don't know. I'm...

I did try. Well, see, it probably... This is tough. This is tough. I... I always thought I'd be wearing a suit doing this. I should have dressed up more to talk about this embarrassing stuff. I don't know. I don't try at all. I don't know if I can come up with a time.

I usually just, you know, I used to be a fat kid, and then I got less fat, and I thought it would work out, and then you realize you still have to try, and it really is disappointing. So now I just figure maybe I'll just do stand-up, and one day when I'm 50, I can get married then. That's how it, right? You just commit to this life, and then it works out eventually, hopefully, I think. Maybe not.

For sure.

Well, I've hooked up with a coworker. But it was always like someone would have to tell me they're kind of interested first. What do you mean you fucked up with a coworker? I hooked up with a coworker.

Yeah, restaurant. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, my place. But it was just, you know, I'm not going to go out there and try and risk it. You just wait until you're like, I should have sex with a co-worker. That's what you do, right? That's the smart decision. You do comedy.

Nah, the lot, you know. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Not in a cool way, just, you know.

Eye contact is difficult. Yeah, no. I'm more of a... Yeah, no, I like that one. Like I said, lazy. If they're down to go on top, that's pretty cool, too. Oh, no! They aren't. Yay, I'm just saying, you know. I'm trying to mix it up. No, it's pretty boring. It's pretty boring. I don't like to ask for things again. I'm just grateful to be there. I'm grateful for the opportunity.

Don't want to ruffle any feathers. Wow. You know.

A very little one. It was so bad last time. It was that bad? I thought so. I don't know. I was, I mean, I'd been here for like six months and it showed. How do you feel like it went this time? Better, which isn't saying much. Interview's still about as awkward as last time.

One time I was on top. No, I... I don't think so. I think my life... I had a friend tell me, actually, you shouldn't prepare for this, which is the worst advice I've ever had. Just go into the interview, and they'll ask you questions, and you respond, and it's not going well, so I think I should have prepared something.

Oh, okay. I thought you told me not to stand up anymore. Okay, there he goes.

Shut up, bitch! It's my time. So I've been trying to assimilate, fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music. Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai? Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together. Bomb the concert.

How many letters do I have to write? ISIS hates women and gay people, dude. At a Taylor Swift concert? The homo per square meter? You blow up a Taylor Swift concert, next day, perfect society. It's like children's music, no? I have a t-shirt. What? If you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I fuck you, I should go to prison.

Cause I'm clearly banging a mentally challenged, retarded ass bitch. No wonder she's dating a football player, you know? Only a man with CTE, fucking. Those two retards at home. Thank you so much. That was my time.

There's people that are truly... Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine.

When I was young, it was Britney Spears. Britney Spears had an ass?

Okay. I'd rather do Adele.

Shirts off? Is that the word?

We're doing some of those killers of Kill Tonys, you know? Oh, I hung out with Cam's family. Yeah. Dude, he's got a crazy... This is a crazy family, huh? Oh, yeah. His dad is so funny. I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh? Dude, at one point we did the show...

We did the show, we go to the green room and Cam just wants a second after he said, he just wants a second to sit down before he go outs for the meet and greet. And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door and goes, Cam, I gotta talk to you. Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting. Get on out there and make us some money.

That's true. That's the way you can, that's the way when you're a black guy, you can get your dad to stick around. You gotta become a global superstar. He'll be around, you know what I'm saying?

It is a red shirt. I found it at a second-hand store in Schnecktadaddy.

I went to, yeah, upstate New York. Didn't know New York is that big. You know, I was... Dude, I was so excited to go to New York. In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just... And then we land in Schnecktadaddy and Binghampton, dude. I kept walking around Schneck the Daddy asking for people which way is Statue of Liberty.

Fuck this country's big. Where the fuck is Schnecktadaddy at? You haven't beat the chicken schnitzel?

Schnecktadaddy.

Like, I asked a barista there, like a lady, I was like, so what do you... Because I was trying to figure out what the fuck, what is it? And I was like, so, like, what do you do here?

Oh.

No, just been enjoying life. The fans are so good.

Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you.

When you say... Wow. I'm gonna need you to write that down. I'm sorry, but I was here, then I was here, then somebody was inside somebody. What are you doing? A lot of work. What the fuck was that?

Yeah, I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyardee. This guy knows what I'm talking about. What was that guy, by the way? You know that guy who screamed up doing his shit? He was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. What was that guy?

But, um... Yeah, we did... But you smoke weed, yeah? Yeah. How much weed do you smoke a day? And what do you do? Do you work while you're high? Usually not. Yeah. It's just kind of a nighttime thing or what?

Have you had a really bad trip on pot? Any fun stories there?

Do you recognize that song? I do.

Can I ask one question before he leaves? What's the biggest thing in Kentucky? You go to Kentucky, St. Tony goes back to Kentucky.

There's nothing? No, there's nothing.

You are geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hamaz al-Tab is going to be my new catchphrase. We go halfsies on it, but that's great. You can have it. It's yours. You're a legend. Okay, great. All right. You guys heard it. It was really funny. You're very sharp, very quick. I like the pace. Yeah, it's great. Thank you. Thank you.

You're making it. You're funny, you're funny, but what the fuck is going on up there?

What the fuck? Literally the worst sound effect you're gonna play right there. It's party time! Spiked bones. That is a great band name.

Like 5'2". 5'2".

Thank you.

That's a tough gig to get, so that's not an insult.

You're taking it in stride. That's a compliment. Now, what do you... So, what did you ask him? I asked the question.

We'll be right back. I mean, you're like the movie Jack. Have you seen the movie Jack? All right, edit this out, Yoni.

The bitch deserved it. This is incredible. Yeah, speaking of Mama, you look like the mom from The Goonies. Yeah. That's a compliment. That's a great part.

Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Hinchcliffe?

All right, so... Hold on. We're the patients. You got to tell us that we both got AIDS, okay? Yeah. Red Baron hit me with some hospital music.

Me and my husband. I know, it sucks.

This is not good. Okay. You're a doctor? Are you the only doctor? I'm it. Yeah, you're fucked.

What do we have?

Oh, my. Good. Can you say, that's all folks for me? All folks for you? Huh? What? Can you? Never mind. Yeah. Okay. It's loony to his reference.

I don't know how it's... I don't know what that was. I don't know what that was. I've never shot a gun in my life. It seems like... I've come out on a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun, you know?

Just lie about your age next time. You're 42.

Is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head, you go, fuck, I don't want to say that? You seem like a pretty confident fearless guy, which I dig.

Whale.

Oh yeah, God.

You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say, I heard you say you like your steak medium whale.

Great. I'm taking that catchphrase.

Wait, please tell me you sat her down and you go, so, look, you're about to experience a little bit of twama. I've been eating another pussy. The grass is always green, though.

Do you have like extra teeth or is it the tongue thing? It's the tongue, yeah. So your dad grew out of it. How did he grow out of it?

I took a 20-year hiatus. My wife died, R.I.P. I found out through text she had cancer or HPV or some shit. Whatever, the bitch is dead, so... I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Redman. What, do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here, but... But, no, I'm a big fan of the show, and, you know, Kill Tony is a show to launch careers.

Thank you for your service.

That...

You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I... I'm serious. I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are. Is it a copay? Can I just text you? There's a lot of things of, like, is this bad? There'll be a spot on my cock, and I'll be like, hey, is this... Anytime.

I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger on my butt. I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit, but he actually put a finger in between my legs. Nobody could see him, yet he's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy. That was... Wow. Absolutely. I'm going to need a new pair of pants and a new doctor.

It launched a lot of people with Hans Kim, you know, who, by the way, is about to star in the all-Asian reboot of The Sandlot. Hans Kim is. He's going to play Squints. It's going to be called The Sand Rot, if you're an Asian guy. All right, I'm warming up here, but... Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh? I'm warming up here. We're having a good time.

You know, I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. Oh, my God. I've been watching the show on YouTube. I've been watching it on Facebook. I got Twitter. I got X. I got something. I got something on my cock right now. Wow. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me one more time. Not too hard. I got a pacemaker. Tony Caruso. I forgot what it was called.

It's not gay.

Wearing makeup is just fine.

She probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessy. You know what I'm saying? You got to just dab it up and clean you up a little bit. You're an attractive guy.

I don't know.

That's a terrible start. I know. That's one of the worst starts in America. Well aware of that. But is there like a... Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flair-filled guy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is there like a cool... Like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off? Do you know what I'm saying? That's a good question.

Trying to get back into it. Trying to get back on the wagon.

Oh, come on.

I can show you a blacker handshake than that. Yeah, let's go. Come on, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen. Follow my lead. Play some cool rap music for me. Come on. Give him a good... So let's say I walk into, like, a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way. I love... Because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind? What are you doing?

I'm usually looking for some big, fat, black pussy, Tony, but... See it? Which is my website. Big, fat, black pussy, backslash Tony Caruso. So let's say I walk into the club, and I go, Cam, good to see you!

Wow. Wow. Absolutely. And then I call him the N-word. But I can do that in the car on the way home.

Doing some shows for him.

Friends with DP, yeah. Yeah, DP. Friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP. But, you know, DP's got several meanings. You know, double penne, double penetration. Uh... I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up. Just warming up. Tony, it's good to see you. You look good. Thank you so much. You look like a vampire that only bites people with AIDS. Okay.

Yeah. Are you Theo Vaughn's kid? I think so. Was your principal also a raccoon?

What is it? What is it? What is it?

Hit me, Mike. A little late. A little late.

Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now. That was a great fucking plug for it.

I'm just trying to warm up. Okay. You're doing the show, right? You're warming up. Hey, look at that fat fuck. Okay. I mean, geez. I watch your show. I watch your show. I watch your show. I love it. Big fame. Okay.

He goes... Yeah, he literally... Sounded like a blind queef. Great band name. They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday. Now, you have great delivery. You came out. You have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look, easy delivery, and confidence in your hair, all three.

Four years, do you feel like you're going to stand the test of time, or is this like a hobby for you?

Stick with it.

Good. There you go. Everyone's got to know. I don't know. It's not like you're dead.

Isolate that audio. I want that for my new email alert. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. That was my favorite moment of the whole fucking show.

Okay. All right. Who's going to marry you?

There we go. Perfect.

Perfect. Is he ordained? Huh?

Great question. Is he ordained? Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it? Yeah.

Wow. Now, did you say... That's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes, or did you go, uh-huh? Let me think about it. No, that's a really beautiful story. Sorry, I had to do that. But, um... Wait, so, and that was how long ago again? A year ago?

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful.

Can you play PlayStation on that, too?

I really appreciate it. Yeah, he's great. I've done long distance 14 times. You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting, right? You can cheat or you can do phone sex. Yep, the big two. Say it again? The big two. The big two, yeah. How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected?

Yeah, say it in front of the cameras for your work. Yeah.

That makes sense. You want to be my doctor?

You're very funny. I do. You're kind. Thank you.

Yo, the bucket pulls on this show are out of control right now.

You took the bait. Oh, that's tonight's Fruit by the Foot cue of the night.

How fat? Can you do, like, a thing with your hands? Like, how big?

What the fuck did you just do? What was that? What was that? Were you painting her back with crayons?

I don't know what that is either.

No, I'm a stand-up-against-the-wall guy, always. No shitting down. Once I shit down, I'm going to bed. No doggie style. My knees can't handle it. I'm up against a wall, the closet of the fridge.

All right, Tony Robbins. Jesus Christ. Can I just fucking have a conversation with Saquon Barkley or whoever the fuck this guy is? Now, you said you were security. You said you were security. Yeah. You said you were security for who? Panera? Panera? No, nigga. Who? Who are you security for? You said security.

Oh, great. So just any office building that needs somebody to watch over.

Yeah. That's the name of my next special. N-word, that's a paradox. Can't say it. All right.

Can you imagine being on a date with this guy and she's like, so it's so nice to meet you, Dijon.

Hold the mic next to it.

When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on? You go, all right, like butt stuff.

All right, that's all I got.

That was the best Make-A-Wish musical performance I've ever seen.

I drive trucks and I teach people to throw axes and I take dicks in my butt.

I didn't think you were going to read it, so tomato, tomato. But, you know, by the way, seeing a guy play Call of Duty with a Sesame Street Live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing. Imagine being a Postmates driver dropping off soup to you. You walk out being like, I just lost six more of my friends. And he's like, all right, man, you look like a guy going to NAMM to look for ladyboys.

Great impression of him.

But, you know, here's the truth.

Yeah, it's been January off. We miss you, William. You're a staple of the comedy world and you're one of the funniest guys on planet Earth.

I've got you too. Yeah, I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that you're needed. You're needed. Fuck you, Tony.

I feel like he brings a lot to not only the show, but to the world. So that's what I'm trying to say.

Turn your back on the saddle, as they say, and see if that old horse still comes, right? Yeah.

What was the first thing you saw that you were like, oh, how do I get to do that, you know? a butthole.

How do you go to your parents and you go, hey, how do I get more buttholes in my life?

Oh, shit. And your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick, because my account got hacked. What the fuck is that black guy fucking that other black guy for?

No, no, that's just a gay guy thing. That is indeed. What the fuck are you talking about? Fuck that. I am not a gay guy. I won't even look at a cock. It's all good. Hey, hey, agree to disagree. Agree to disagree.

Both of those are t-shirts. I'm not that gay, that's fag shit. A great t-shirt. Now, when you touched it, was it, are you still friends with the guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now?

Oh, that's kind of sweet.

Once in a while.

It's fine. Yeah, it's great.

Do we get to find out what you're transporting? You said you drive trucks, right? So what are you taking across daylight? What are you taking from... Are we talking about my character or what I actually did as a trucker? Can I finish my fucking sentence for a second? So you're a real truck driver, right? I was, yeah. So you were, yeah. So what were you driving in the truck?

If you were taking a truck from Austin to Dallas, what would be in the truck?

Wow. Was that the name of the guy you was shucking off? I'm warming up, I'm warming up.

Honey, how was your day? and you go off. How the fuck was your night?

It's the best. God, I wish I had a wife.

Dude, if I hit my toe, I just got to be like, me. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.

Jesus, you're high. Holy shit. I didn't know when he looked at me. I thought you got stung by a bee or something. You got to get citizenship, dude. Just fucking...

It literally looked like Tony betted my money.

Thank you.

You know coals can't save a hookah. I copy-paste. I copy-paste. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you should learn how hookah works. You can't smoke ashes.

Fuck Werewolf. I love that you respond.

A homeless Jesus says you may enter.

Art, art, art, art.

This fucking guy.

Okay, we're having a lot of fun here tonight.

Okay, where's your victory thing? You deserve it.

I'm 47. No, I don't care. I was working in the oil field.

Just out here getting my balls busted.

Thought you'd have more in the tank. No, I do not, no.

My best friend, Bobby Loco. Hold on, wait, let's check in with Gay Red Band over here.

And while they growl. Yeah. Why not? Wow. Okay. All right. I love it.

I thought he was going to say Madonna. I swear to God.

Fred Pan's been waiting 13 and a half years to do his dry mouth gay blowjob sound.

All right, okay.

Hey, black guys. If you don't want me to say the N-word, can you stop making it the best part of the fucking song? Call it fucking Freddy in Paris. Fuck! I mean, to be fair, I can feel the N-word coming back. I think... I think we're like five years out. Hold on, brother. We're gonna have to, we're gonna get to have some fun again. I mean, cancel culture's over.

You know, everything's coming back. Remember when we couldn't say and retard? Retard went away for like a week, huh? After that, we were like, fuck it. And also, let's be honest, the retard don't get upset. If he gets upset, give him a banana, he's fucking... Happy, happy, happy. The gay guy gets upset, give him a banana too.

But then again, if you call a black guy the N-word and then try to give him a banana, things will escalate. Thank you very much. Oh my God.

Yeah!

Yeah, everyone's dead in my family, so... You're my family now, Tony!

And by the way, you know you can't smoke ashes.

Oh, a thing from earlier. Sorry, I was at the gym, Lewis. Sorry I was at the gym, Lewis.

Yeah, Joe List got so fucking weirded out when I was doing this.

Oh, thanks. I appreciate it. That's very nice of you.

Yeah, thank you.

Oh, thank you. That's very nice of you.

It is a crazy hat, Lewis, I gotta tell you.

Yo, yo, happy Easter! I love how religious Americans are. On God! Estonia is one of the most atheist countries in the world. You ask an Estonian, do you believe in a higher power? We're like, I don't even believe in myself. Dude, you tell us there's an afterlife, we're like, fuck, there's more? Can I just fucking die? I went on a date with like a religious girl here, she's Catholic.

And then after the date, we go to her place and she's like, don't worry, we can still do anal. I love how religious chicks treat their asshole like an offshore account in the Bahamas. It's outside the jurisdiction. I love how she thinks she's gonna get to the pearly gates. God is gonna be like, what the fuck? And she's like, ah, ah, ah, you never said.

And God's got to be like, ah, get in here, you little slut. Thank you so much.

I went to see my kingdom.

You're still number one, baby.

Tony, you come to Estonia, you can do a fucking 160-seater.

It's like 1.4 million, but let's be honest, you know. There's a lot of filth out there, you know. Okay. It's like 60,000 actual online people. I mean, there's a lot of people in America too, but I mean.

Dude, I'd love to see you walk around with that helmet in Estonia. They're like, who the fuck is attacking us now? Holy shit. Jesus Christ, these guys are explosive.

We got him out. Black dick. Happy birthday, Hitler.

You're gonna fuck every woman there. We wanna fuck!

Why do you keep looking at me? Antonio, you're drinking white Russians?

You ever have a white Russian with titty milk?

You know that cord can come out, too. Yeah, malnutrition.

I was partying on a boat with Russians, and then we were making white Russians. We only had the liquor, ran out of the milk, and then one of the bitches were lactating.

Wow.

Fresh. How was it? Was it good? I got to say, titty milk is fucking delish, dude.

It's called colostrum.

Hello! Hello! Hello! I went to North Carolina Asheville this weekend. It got hit by a horrible hurricane. It looked like a post-apocalyptic movie. But then I went to the hotel room and I looked at Asheville before I gotta tell you, the hurricane didn't do that much. Even the hurricane was like, oh shit, somebody already did this. LA's on fire, LA, oh my God, so sad.

Where are the pedophiles gonna live now? Oh my God. Where are we gonna fuck the kids now? Eat my ass, LA! They asked me for a dollar at Whole Foods yesterday for the relief fund, LA. Eat my ass. Who's that dollar gonna go to? Mel Gibson? Fuck you. I don't feel bad for people who lost a house because I wish I had a house to lose. You know what I'm saying? I wish I got a new start.

I mean, I wish I had a start. That's probably the best part about being poor as shit, huh? And renting, I don't give a fuck. If I go home after this gig and my apartment's on fire, the only thing I do is I put my hands out for warmth. I look at the landlord like, huh, I guess the lease is up now, motherfucker. A curse has been lifted. Thank you.

This is insane. I don't have a plane. This is the whitest foreigner I've ever met. He is. My love goes out to you. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I'm autistic, I didn't know what this is. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I don't know what this is. Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Yeah, good. Actually, Asheville was super. It was actually a beautiful spot. I loved it.

That was all one word. Asheville.