Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redback coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. and the best damn band in the land.
Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muehling, John Dees, and that is D Madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. This is indeed Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. You guys ready for a good fucking time tonight? Good looking crowd we got.
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This podcast is brought to you by 420.com. People ask me all the time, do you miss California? The truth is, I miss the weed. California has the best weed in the world, the best cannabis in the world. The growers, the generational cultivators who have been perfecting this plant for decades.
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For listeners, 420.com is offering something special. Use the code name Tony to get 25% off. And this episode is brought to you by 420.com. California delivered. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what, huh? Every single week, I have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. Now, this is a fun one.
This is a little chemistry set for you, because sometimes I take great pride in introducing some of the top rising comedians in the world on this panel. We were one of the first shows ever to show you fucking Tim Dillon coming up and Shane Gillis coming up many, many years ago. This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both.
You get one of the first-time guests, who I think is funny as fuck, and you have an absolute, complete legend. In fact, he is the reigning, defending 2024 Guest of the Year. Ladies and gentlemen, your two guests tonight are Harland Williams and Nick Rochefort. Ladies and gentlemen, of the Harland Highway, Nick Rochefort is on the Scuffed Reel Tour. Welcome, Nick. Holy shit, how exciting.
Harland Williams.
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Chapter 2: What are the best cannabis options available today?
I saw a girl have a chartreuse tray in the back of her bathtub. I'm like, why can't I have a bruschetta and a bath bomb as a bro? You know, like I already take a shit and I eat a parfait. I might as well have a meat and cheese spread while I bathe. I'd have to make it more manly though, right? I'd have to have a half crushed Modelo can in the corner.
And instead of a charcuterie tray though, just a floating Zen puck in the background. You know, but I fear if I took that photo, one of my buddies would just zoom in on the stainless steel faucet, catch my dick just floating right in the middle of the tub.
Woo!
Because that's what it does, I'm not gonna lie. It's just a buoy sitting in the middle of Lake Flacid, just chilling, you know? Because that's what I do. Whenever I see you girls take those photos, I'm fucking zooming, dude. To the point where I can't zoom no more, and then I just take a screenshot and zoom in an extra little bit. Just to see if I can catch a dorsal fin underneath the water.
Thank you guys, I've been Danny Martinello.
Danny Martinello, representing Canada here tonight. Let me ask you a question, Danny. Have you ever heard anyone else, have you only read the word charcuterie? Have you ever talked with anyone about charcuterie? Have you run that by anybody?
To be honest, I don't even really know how to read, dude.
Have you ever- Just sound it out. Have you ever spoken with anybody about charcuterie? Yeah, usually I'm like, can I just have some extra cheese and then like meats and stuff on it. But it's charcuterie, right? So you're doing it on purpose? Well, you guys fucking figured it out, right? No, we thought you were retarded for a second.
I mean, it ain't no difference than any day, Tony. You always think I'm retarded.
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Chapter 3: How do comedians introduce their guests on the show?
So this Ritalin you took, you said you took it daily? Yeah, I had to take it at lunch. How many cases a day did you take?
Just one pill, and it was funny. They lined us up like little lab rats, and we'd have to go check in at the office and go, ah. But I'd put it in the pocket, and then I would give it to this kid named Jamie Anderson, and I'd watch him snort it in the urinal.
Wow. In grade five, it was pretty sick. You were like a Riddle and Pez machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it would come out. Wow, that's a cunnilingus machine right there. Yeah. Are you shooting them into your girl's vulva?
Yeah. From afar, like a Thai ping pong.
Let's see it. Can you do that with your mouth again?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know why two men wanted to see me open my mouth like that, but...
Here we are. That's a Pez Volvo right there. Very scary. Danny, what else is going on in your life?
Anything else? Nothing much. I came back from, I went to Mexico for a wedding, which was pretty fun, except for I got Montezuma's revenge.
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Chapter 4: What are the unique experiences shared by the guests?
Yeah, so I was hitting the buffet a little too big.
And then so then by the end of it, I was like... So fucking Canadian, right? Oh, I was hitting the buffet too big.
Yeah, well, you know, right?
You like just, you just gorge yourself, right? Because it's like, you're like fucking, you're like a Roman. And you're like, I'm going to eat... Don't look at the Mexicans like that. What are you turning around for? You're spinning around now.
Immigrant to another. I don't know. This is the safest place over here besides Harland Eyes. I'm looking at Tony and he's like, oh, no, something's going to come. I don't trust you, dude. I don't know what's up, but I don't trust you. You fucking shouldn't, pal.
You're fucking damn right you shouldn't. Danny.
Yeah, no, it was all right. It was good. Yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm talking too much right now.
Perfect. Danny, congratulations. You started the show with a minute. Thanks, guys. There he goes. Back to Canada he goes. Danny Martinello, everybody. Thank you. This is where things get interesting because we are going to the bucket for our first time tonight, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to meet human beings all together. This is the bread and butter of the show.
People can become stars out of this bucket. They can fucking blow it. The pressure can get to them. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night is Matthew Coffin, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.
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Chapter 5: What does the comedian plan to do while unemployed?
Like two and a half years. Where at? Fucking hitting creek open mics, green room. So here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, here in Austin. Nice. What do you do for work? Unemployed right now. Uh-oh. How much money do you have saved?
Chapter 6: How does the comedian's financial situation impact their future?
Like $15,000, $20,000. Just fucking living, bumming for the rest of the year. $15,000, $20,000? Yeah. Total? Yeah. So what's your rent? Um, $11.50. $11.50. So you have about a year. That's about half as much as a Fender has. I suppose. Or twice as much. Uh, okay. So what's your plan? How are you going to make money, Jack? Uh, shit. I'm gonna fucking go to Mexico for the month of December.
Fucking learn Spanish, come back, and, uh, get a sales job or something. I don't know.
Chapter 7: What are the comedian's experiences with dating apps?
Okay. What's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat exactly?
Well...
I kind of want to be Mexican, you know? I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, take some cooking classes.
In one month?
Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it off. You don't know Spanish at all? I know a little bit. I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school. Okay. How old are you? 24. 24 years old. You're unemployed right now, but what was the last job that you had? I was fucking, it was a sales job, just fucking cold calling, bullshitting, you know, instruction.
How long did you have that job for? Like six months.
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Chapter 8: What humorous insights does the comedian share about their life?
Okay. They fired you? Yeah. Why? I deserved it. Why? Because I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late for work the next day. Yeah. What would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night? Dude, fucking scrolling Instagram reels. What is your algorithm like? If we looked at your... Really racist. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Anything else? Just racism?
Racism, fucking jokes, random bullshit. I don't know. Stuff that is unfulfilling. Just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll. But nothing more than that. Midgets with giant tits have entered my algorithm. I clicked on it one time. One time, and now it's my entire recommended page.
And I don't know exactly how or why, but I do keep clicking on it and staring at them.
So wait, you're out of work right now?
Yeah.
Dude, it breaks my heart. And I'm going to be emotional here. And I think you people, it breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work. Yeah, you look like the meanest lesbian at a lesbian bar, man.
You're awesome.
Thank you. It really does. You would probably get a job at Medieval Times or something like that. Probably. I can't juggle, but I'll learn if they pay enough.
Have you ever put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked?
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