Brian Redban

I'll be your emotional support human.

William, we love you. What else is going on? Did you eat anything good this week? You're a little healthy boy. You have a good appetite.

He is something else. Selden Montgomery, truly one of the funniest human beings just rolling around here, not doing stand-up comedy. Surprises me. He's like a super talent that blatantly could do it.

Why are you driving?

William, before I let you go, anything you're passionate about this week? I am passionate about getting my motherfucking opal camouflage on my assault rifle. There you go.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, and it has begun. But now we get to the bread and butter of the show. The true beating heart of Kill Tony. The bucket. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, my God. A sausage fest like this. There's guys up here that have two ball sacks. You got Heidi, the lovely Heidi. Balancing the scales.

All right, our first bucket bowl tonight goes by the name of Erica Kuharski. We're gonna meet her all together right now. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Erica Kuharski.

It had nothing to do with what you were talking about over there.

Somebody filled it up too much. It's a can. It's a can, Ari. Oh, my goodness.

Jesus fucking Christ, Erica. Oh, don't clap for that, people. That's not a thing.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Welcome, you're at the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh? Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Esteban Viejo. Juan Cortez. Michael Gonzalez.

Where have you done these ten years of hard work in stand-up comedy at?

You're counting that with a ten?

You're going to say stand-up for seven?

Okay. Those three years of improv are really shining.

Coming from Colorado, he is a big Peyton Manning fan. So you could have said anything about Peyton Manning there, and he would have found it interesting. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Yeah.

Now we're talking. Yeah.

Yes. Oh, my goodness. She's saying keywords from football. I'm close.

Unbelievable. She's an improv genius, Tony. It is unbelievable. There's a lot of brain behind that forehead. Okay, okay. which is interesting. You mentioned the forehead a couple times during the set, but meanwhile, it is the sixth ugliest thing about you. I've got the notes here. I didn't find it to be the standout, terrible feature about you.

Greasy hair. Thank you. It's unbelievably unwashed. I know. It's unkept, especially for a big show like this. It's like you have helmet head. Right?

Looks like you haven't washed it since your improv days. Erica, where do you live?

I've never heard of that before.

So there's a lot of basements going on. That must be what adds that dewy moisture to the hair that I'm noticing. Right on.

There's a lot of moisture. Unnecessary moisture. Erica, what exactly do you do for a living?

So interesting.

Okay, now we're getting there. There we go. And we're back. Open with that next time. Fuck Peyton Manning. Seven years of comedy, really.

Hold on. So you guys take videos of your feet, and he edits them. Is that right?

What's the edit for feet? Yeah, what's going on there? Is he putting in, like, special effects or something? Is there, like, little Ewoks fighting in between your toes or something? A little cotton?

Is this a real thing or are you kidding? I can't tell what's going on anymore. I dated a girl that did this.

Where would people find your work?

Wrecking Becca. On what? Basementfeet.com?

So Reckon Becca is on. How would people find it?

Okay, there you go. So you look on Twitter. That's a video. You ever breastfeed with your feet?

Holy shit.

Is this your sock removal? This is Reckon Becca? Yep, that's me.

Wow, this is incredible.

Yeah, it is. It's just, there's like angry ants in the background.

You got merch? Oh, God. Jesus. All right.

Yikes.

You better keep those money makers protected. Those socks. Double socket, lady, because the comedy, it ain't going to happen. Can you put your fist in your mouth? No. Very good. Red Band, put the mic down. Very good. Great stuff. Great stuff, Red Band. Comedy from Red Band, everybody. All right.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much. Where'd you get married at? In Las Vegas. Yep. And then so you guys just have been Airbnb-ing since then?

Oh, he does comedy, too?

Oh, terrible. I'm gonna let you out of here. I'm gonna show you some mercy.

Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and Dee Madness on the bass guitar. The whole family is here, everyone. Very, very excited about tonight's episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Oh, really? Yeah. Here's a little joke book. There she goes, everybody. Erica Kuharski, everyone.

Right there.

Okay. Well, let's get that started. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Okay. Very good. All right. I got it. This person is in a wheelchair is what you're telling me. They need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Okay, got it. Ladies and gentlemen, the next person will need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Isn't that the greatest intro you've ever heard?

Ladies, who loves handicapped people, huh? You know, it could be the next superstar on this show. We love handicapped people. Make some noise for Layman Merle. Layman Merle Hubis. Layman Merle Hubis, everybody. It doesn't seem like he's in a wheelchair. It's a miracle. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Layman Merle Hubis, I do believe.

Layman Merle Huber.

Were you doing some kind of special celebrating or something like that that made the stroke happen? Were you drinking? Were you eating cake? What happened?

Damn right. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah. So there you were, celebrating with friends and family. What did it feel like? What does it feel like when a stroke is happening? Does it feel like anything or is it parts just starting?

You're homeless?

Oh, I was going to say. I was.

Laughter is the best medicine. Absolutely it is. Absolutely.

Right, that's what you used to do.

A little wild roller derby going on over there. Were you a smoker?

You're still smoking? Oh, yeah. Respect. I'm not quitting. Hell no. Right. Hell yeah, you already survived the worst part that could happen.

Okay. And this ex-wife of yours that you keep mentioning, how long were you with her for? 20 years. What do you hate about her?

How did she treat you?

Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Well, well, well. We're all here. And, you know, this is just one of those episodes that it's just nothing can stop its momentum. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Two of the funniest humans. Two of our true brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show.

This is pre-stroke. She probably caused the damn stroke.

Yeah.

Yeah. Was he actually mentally retarded?

How does a 72-year-old mentally retarded guy own a three-story house?

Wow.

Can you imagine that? Just a rich retarded guy. Yeah. I mean, how much fun would that be?

Yes, I'm super retarded. A well-known thing about me. I'm an old retarded man now. This is 13 years we've run out of jokes to make, everyone. I don't know what the bean is, everybody. So I am retarded.

Well, it's awesome. So let's go back to Lehman Merle Huber here.

Lehman, were you still married when you were living in the RV with the retarded rich guy?

Did the retarded rich guy have, like, cool retarded things in his house?

It's a coloring book.

Two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shafir.

I'm like, yeah, it was them for sure. Biker. All white people involved.

There you go. This is good news for Red Band.

And you know what? That's why you're leaving with some Zippix and nicotine toothpaste. All right. And a big joke book. I know that you're going to catch this. Do you believe in miracles? Yeah! Yee-hoo! All right, carry this fucking guy out of here. We got to keep this show moving. How about one more time for Layman Merle Huber, everybody? Oh, everybody's leaving all of a sudden. Oh, my God.

Not wrong. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of geniuses. Let's all go pay the same tax.

You're witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club. I know for a fact he'd rather eat a homeless woman's pussy than lick a dude's butthole once. What would you do? I would lick the dude's butthole once. Really? Oh, yeah. There's a specific homeless woman that we're talking about that hangs around this. You have to see it.

You would pick the dude's butt. Trust me, one swipe of the tongue. Look, Red Band's with you, dude. Red Band's with you. He would eat the pussy. I've been there. It's all right. You've licked a dude's ass before? No, I massage girls, you know. All right, very good. Way to recover. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool was on the inside. We know this guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best magicians in the world has signed up for the show. This is Wes Barker, ladies and gentlemen. A real, like, famous, legit magician. Wes Barker. He's on the inside. Here he comes. He could be anywhere. It's one of you representing the audience here tonight. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? How exciting.

Sam Tallent, live in the flesh. Ari Shaffir, fully clothed tonight. You gotta love it.

This is Wes Barker, everybody.

Wes Barker, a real professional magician. We know him. You hang out a lot. You're part of this part of the you hang out in Austin, right? And he entertains the fuck out of us sometimes on after the show a lot.

I love that you thought you had to tell us that you were Canadian. It's amazing.

I love it. I love it. We've been through a lot together. We have seen a lot of each other. And it is good to have you back.

You're going down Jay Leno's path so fast you might have an eye patch and a bruised skull in a week. This is incredible. Three different types of denim. Yeah. Jesus Christ, bro. Canadian tuxedo, baby. It is something else. It is something else. So Wes, how's everything been going?

Amazing. You got some other fucking tricks for us, dude.

You guys want to see a real fucking magic trick? So I'll give you the inside scoop. Sometimes, what do you need? I need someone with a purse, but I'll find that in a second. You keep talking. Somebody give him a fucking purse. We love magic. We need a huge purse. We love magic here. Nice. Oh, he's going through the purse.

Going through it. Okay. There's no denim in there. Anyway, we get trashed and we have him and any other magician that's around do magic tricks while we drink fucking whiskey. And it's a lot of fun.

I always say that at the end of the day, up in heaven, when all the entertainers are together, if that's really how heaven works, it's everyone just watching magicians. That's how I picture it.

I actually stunningly don't. No, last night was the Christmas party here. Whoa, look at new money over here. What's it like being a rich retard? Jesus fucking Christ, this fucking guy over here. Hey. Whoa, good luck getting that hundred back. Yeah. That's illegal. Ari Shabir signs it. Mine now. Okay. No, he ruined it.

Little beautiful little buttermilk biscuits right there. Absolutely fantastic. Front row. Right in the front.

The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.

of magnifying glass. What the hell? Whoa. Some mini tongs. Oh. Where do you live? Wow, the security here. The security here is so busy butt-fucking handicapped men. That they're letting people with knives into the venue. That is Zach, famous. If you're wondering what his name is, it's Zach, the security guy. Butt-fucking handicapped men instead of doing his job. I'm not even sure what that is.

What did I miss here? Oh, that is... It's a Hitachi. Wow. Red Band, our senior dildo analyst, knows exactly what it is.

That is a real lemon, it is dripping. Oh my god, there's no way.

Now, wait, now put it on the vibrator. Now open it up, display it like a magician would. Here we go. You like that, don't you, Ari? Yeah. Wow, this is incredible. It's Ari's name. Wow. Unbelievable.

Amazing. Congratulations.

All right, time for me to make that vibrator disappear.

Whoa! Wait, who put this cum in my pants? All right, we're having fun. Oh, and a fart noise on top of it all from Red Band. Oh, you made T-Madness reappear, too. Absolutely incredible. He's wondering why the underside of his hat smells like lemon right now. He followed the sound.

Oh, her laces are untied too, Ari. You might have to go tie her shoes. They're right there, huh? They're going to be there all night long. I could throw a little joke book right in there right now. No doubt about it. I could probably throw a big joke book in there. Oh, she's fixing it. She's no fun. She must be visiting from LA or something.

Wait, he's not retarded, are he?

He's black. Jesus. My God.

amazing Wes there's been a lot of rumors of Canada becoming the 51st state of the United States of America have you thought about this dude I've had so much I always every three years I have to get a new visa to work down here it's 0-1 visa it's expensive it's a pain in the ass so like

We could be in America. All you have to do is never wear that outfit again. What?

You don't like this? It's unbelievable. You're fucking wrong, man. Okay. If I'm wrong, then I don't want to be right. Fantastic, fantastic stuff. Amazing magic. That was incredible. Make some noise for the great Wes Barker, everybody. Thank you. We're having fun here tonight. This guy's been on this show before. He had an unbelievable set, so much so that we had him back in an arena here.

This is his first time in a long time. This is a brand new minute from a solid comedian. I hope it goes great tonight. This is J.P. Hinsdale, everybody. The long awaited return of J.P. Hinsdale.

Okay, JP Hinsdale, strong eye contact. Leering at you. Hello, JP. How are you? How's it going, buddy? Fantastic. Unbelievable. You look great.

Oh, you're bisexual now. What a big twist.

Went from tie-dye to try-buy.

Okay, so what's the analysis? I've been wondering for 40 years what that would be like. Tell us.

Do they? Do they blow you in the bathroom?

I mean, I'm looking at the shape of everything that you have going on. I know, it's not... Is it just... Is there... Do you see... Hey, they obviously see something I can't, like, physically.

Yeah. And no matter who's blowing you, it's just a mystery.

Because I mean, where is your dick exactly there?

It's in this general region. I don't think so. I think it's underneath that. All of it? It's...

I mean, who are you... Who's sucking that dick? I...

I'm literally curious where it is. What's that bulge down there? I don't know. Well, when you go like that, it disappears. You see that next to his left thigh? It's curdles.

Okay, very good question, John Dees. Yeah. Let's go back to you fucking anything that moves. Oh, yeah. Let's kind of stick on this subject here. So what exactly, like, what's actually going on here? I want to know what life is like for Jabba the Slut.

Okay, is that what you're worried about, getting someone pregnant?

All right. You look like you have been indeed frying a lot of fish.

It is incredible.

What do you do for a living, JP? Remind us what you do for a living. Honestly, this. What do you do for, how do you make money to survive?

So how do you survive?

Yeah. How much was left? How much was your actual inheritance?

It's not like... You definitely know.

I'm like, I'm around... $45,000?

That's right. 226 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. You know what I'm going to do? Okay. Well, we'll see what happens here. Sure, we'll get that one going. We'll let fucking Big Tits Jenkins pick the second one. We pulled two at once. Oh, there they go, bouncing around. Oh, look at that. It's a woman to start. It's a woman to start.

What do you eat? What do you eat when you're at home?

What's left at home? What's your go-to? You get, like, a loaf of bread and some noodles?

What is it?

Can you not feel your foot right now?

Right, got the old gay leg. Yeah.

That's your go-to.

No, I can't.

Oh, our senior health correspondent, Brian Redban, everybody. Thai food. As in Pad Thai, straight noodles. Straight gluten. Late at night, and it's being analyzed as healthy.

The guy who posted about eating a moldy Wendy's burger last week is telling us that Thai food is healthy. Breaking news. A man who's never touched broccoli in half a century. Oh, you're offended about my you've never touched broccoli line. Okay. JP, what's the most disgusting thing that you ever ate to where you're like, God damn, I'm disgusting.

Okay.

Do you have siblings, JP? Is there like a 600-pound sister or something?

You would just eat it! We also have a gun here, everybody.

412 is actually what my initial guess was going to be. Since we're going prices right.

That's the fat guy move.

Should I take away the .7?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here, live, in front of everyone, the scale is being activated by the great Ari Shafir. Yoni has brought an iPhone close to the stage. Ari at 196. And this is one of those moments we will never forget. As J.P. Hinsdale... Oh! The scale is making... Oh! Oh!

The scale is freaking out. My God. The scale just freaked out. Ladies and gentlemen, 437 pounds. Oh, my God.

JP, please. Just a couple of things it explains. I beg of you to wait at least a couple months before killing yourself. Don't do it the night that this episode comes out.

Just take note that everybody underbid, including Ari's extremely bold 420. It was flaring on every inhale and exhale. It was going up Between about 435 and 442.

So we'll do that one first and the one that fell out second. Go wrangle them. What are the odds? Did you see the boyfriend? Don't worry, we'll do something you like next week. Yeah, yeah. Have fun sitting through three and a half hours of Wicked, you . Oh, you're fucked. Save space for Wicked.

It was going up and down the scale.

Is there some type of physical activity that you think you could get into if someone helped you or something? If you had some kind of support? Is there something? Perhaps Michael Gonzalez works out every day at Onnit Gym. How would you like to have a little buddy, Michael? Would you want to take a buddy to Onnit with you?

How does that sound? You want to take him working out? Yeah, let's fucking do it. There you go. You're working out with Michael Gonzalez. Here's the big joke book.

Whoa. Someone wants to fucking eat some Thai food with you. I think you were saying Thai people, by the way. It's a lot of stuff. He is into both ladies and boys. He's got charisma, this guy, though. A lot of charisma. Yeah. A lot of charisma. It's called Crisco. Crisco. We love you, JP. You're the man. You're very, very likable. Love you too, man. Thank you. J.P. Hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. All right. See you. On to the next one we go. We're going to go with somebody a lot more fit. One of the regulars of the show, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. Not easy to write and perform a brand new minute every single week in front of millions of people, but somehow this young buck does it week after week after week.

I present to you one of the true top young rising comedians in the world, the one and only, the great and powerful, this is Cam Patterson.

Jesus Christ. Fuck yes, Cam Patterson. What's up, man? It was amazing. I didn't realize until you acknowledged it how many women offered up their purse to a white Canadian guy wearing nothing but denim. So fast. Every woman was like, I have a purse.

Oh, you're so fucked, and you're going to have to do it with your dick halfway out, too, if it's truly even Stevens. That shaft is going to be blasting with popcorn butter all over. If she has to be here with her tits half out, you have to watch Wicked with your shaft out.

Oh, shit. All of the same women put theirs under their chair when you came out. Was there

Hell yeah. What's that like? What's going on over there?

Were you guys part of the exhibit, or were you just going there to check things out?

No, it was white people. It's white people going, God, I'm glad I'm white.

Now, did they have the same stuff as, like, a normal building? Is it, like, fire sprinklers? Or did they just have big hoses and stuff? Like, what exactly is... Black History Museum jokes, ladies and gentlemen. A rare treat on this show. Nigga, that's hilarious. Thank you. That's funny as fuck. Thank you. Deep Madness is looking down. I can't get a read on it. Who put it again with these hats?

No, what do you mean? That's a beautiful hat. That's a Gucci hat he's wearing.

No, that was John D's. That was John D's. That was the other one.

It was the other one.

It's true. It's true. All their hands smell the same. Yeah. A cocoa butter scented hand was the... Cocoa butter and black and brown.

Yes, exactly.

This party is out of control. It's like when the exhibits come alive at the museum. Yeah, that's what happened. So much talking about the Black History Museum, all of a sudden we got two black people bullying a black bass player. It's called progress.

Life is good. I love it. I love it. Okay, D-Madness, Jesus. Now he's talking about how good his memory is.

Exactly. And then maybe there'll be some women that walk by like, wow, look at that moneymaker. You know what I mean? Just like what happened here.

He's got, like, all these blind catchphrases. God bless D-Madness. And God bless the United States of America. So Cam, the road's been good. D.C. was fun. Hell yeah. Black History Museum. There's a lot there.

Damn right. And it continues. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson. All right, back to the bucket we go. This is another new name. Make some noise for Peter Grant, everybody. We're going to meet him all together now. Peter Grant.

We're going to have some fucking fun tonight. And I'm warning you right now, it shall start with a goddamn bang of unconceivable proportions. As you guys know, as fans of the show, everybody does 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Where at?

Okay.

And the accent originates from?

Yeah.

How you going? And you really work construction? I do.

Okay. A carpenter. All right.

You could sound like a great human being.

You used to have long hair?

Okay.

What does that mean to you exactly?

Now you believe in conspiracies and you don't believe in God?

What do you think created the universe?

Wow, okay. Sorry, I'm one of those fuckers. It's got a point. It's okay.

That makes some sense.

snuggle up stay warm december 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored kill tony's live from the heb center in austin texas this is a new super annual amazing event it is our biggest two-night event of the year and we're super excited about it it is on sale now kill tony live.com get it for your loved ones get it for yourself love it or hate it live december 30th and 31st

All right, Peter. So now you live in Vancouver or what?

Where does she live?

Okay, for now. Are you planning on moving somewhere?

So you're gonna move back up to Canada and then- To sell the house and then back down to Austin. Okay.

Okay. What does she do for work?

She's a retarded chef. I can't imagine how delicious the Thai food must be. I know a 470 pound man that would love to be married to a retarded chef.

And tonight we start with a regular who needs no introduction at all, yet I will still give him one. Some people call him the Victor of Van Nuys. Some people call him the Educator of Edinburgh. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. to start tonight's episode. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of famer with more appearances than any comedian in history.

Do the stairs still exist?

It has been a true freak show here today. What's the freakiest thing about you, Peter Grant? I love cigarettes. That's such an Australian answer.

What do you mean exactly?

I don't need to look at Brian. I've worked with him for over a decade. Why don't you describe using your artistic capabilities exactly what you mean?

Sure, sure. Okay, the most interesting thing about your entire life, Peter, because you seem kind of like you have construction guy vibes that just aren't really hilarious to me. You seem like a normal guy that's trying it out, kind of. Or maybe you're nervous or something.

So give us something crazy.

You ever save, almost die or save?

You're going to be just fine. I know you can tell by my accent that you don't mind the didgeridoo. I just have a little Australian gas. As you can tell by my accent, I'm an alcoholic. Looks like you need some special needs that I cannot take. What did you say to him? I'm sorry, mate. It's not looking so good.

Yeah.

Great advice.

All right.

What do you miss most about Australia?

What do you hate most about Australia?

What do you miss most about Canada? Not much. What do you hate the most about Canada?

You finally got the crowd on your side right at the wave. Right at the wave. You still have a chance. Final question. What do you hate most about America?

I think we need stronger, stronger fucking, what's the word? Borders. Yes, thank you, Red Band. Red Band helping me for a change. Look at this. It's happening here. Little joke book. There he goes.

All right. Peter Grant. Peter Grant. He's a normal guy. All right, everybody. All right. We having fun out there still? All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. It's Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. He's been on this show before. Here we go.

The most interviews in Kill Tony history. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

There you go. Jesus Christ, I thought it was never going to end. Lino Rodriguez, seems like you had a lot of fun up there. You got some laughs proving that this audience... isn't perfect, you know what I mean? Some people are just laughing at the space in which it seemed like there should have been laughter, but no real reason for laughter at all at almost any point throughout the entire thing.

Is that how it's been going? Ari Shaffir, what'd you think about that?

You fat guy. Yeah, you fat fuck.

Get that fucking scale out here. Don't step on it yet. Don't step on it. Wait, wait. Don't step on it. All right. No, don't step on it. Lino, take fucking direction.

All right. What do you really think you weigh, Lino? He started sweating all of a sudden, by the way, out of nowhere. Not during his sweat, not during his set. All right, if I'm being honest with you, I'm probably like... Lino, look over here, because you seem to be getting lost in the lights. You have an inordinate amount of confidence. I don't know where it comes from.

Wow. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God.

You know what will curb your appetite, Lino, is some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

Well, there you go. Fill it up. Lino Rodriguez, everybody.

We're going to fly through some bucket pools here as they get worse and worse. Ooh. The horn players love a fellow Rodriguez. Your next bucket full, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Eric Galagos, everybody. Eric Galagos or Galagos, here he is.

That's how it's done. He had the same confidence as the last comedian that tricked a lot of you into laughing. But he had actual jokes on this one. Some smart, witty things. Hell yeah.

I like the homeless pothole thing.

Hell yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

And you've been on this show before.

Right. And how did that go?

Oh, it was Lino. Yeah, that was Lino. Not lean.

Okay. So, Eric, tell us about what it's like being a young comic here in Austin that's working and progressing. So you've been doing it for two years now.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. You should have a gauntlet on. Put your arm out. Let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Red Band has no comedic timing whatsoever.

Red Band. You would have to look to see if he would do that. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a bunch of trained birds. Deep madness approach to the sound effect board over here. Fuck yeah. The old no look Red Band. The bird landed before you put your arm out. That's how great of a falconer you are. It's incredible.

That's frightening. Very crazy answer there, but it's a comedy show, so we'll just let it ride.

Rape. Eric, what is your love life like? Do you go on dates?

The best date. Get a collection going. The best date you've had in Austin. How did that go for you?

All right.

How did that night end for you?

Sideways, yeah.

Okay. So she went and fucked a black guy that day. Let's go to your worst date in Austin, Texas. How's that gone? Did it start by her fucking a black guy? Yeah.

It's enough meat to feed my falcon for a year.

I would bet on that. And there's no need to check.

Eric, what's your weirdest hobby? You seem like a guy that has some weird hobbies, something wacky.

I lean into it. How often are we talking about? Once a day? Once a week? Three times a week?

No. Just tears. Only if it's Star Wars. Tears that roll down your eyes.

Well, you have a big joke book already? A little joke book? Yes, sir. I got a big one. Okay. Well, there he goes, Eric. Eric! Galegos, everyone. All right. Another bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Judah Z. Judah Z. What's going on, Austin?

William. One of the most loved humans in the history of the show. A master of likability. A master of charisma.

Normally a true Jew would make the most of their time.

So Judah, Judah, Judah. Judah, Judah Day.

No, that's not it.

I'm circumcised. Would you like to see what happens when I ask Ari Shafir the same question? He's King Jew, though.

What's some Jewish stuff about you? Are you Jewish at all?

That's why he's the King Jew. I wonder which one of you would last longest in a gas chamber.

He's already holding his breath. Here we go. Oh, I got Ari all the way on this one. Judah's shorter. The gas won't get him. All right.

What are these answers? Why don't you just answer the fucking question? I don't do too much. You're going to be interested to know when I come around to answering the question. What the fuck do you do?

Okay. What did you do for a James Bond villain?

Do some more crowd work. Ask them some more questions. You're just going to stop after asking if that's their man? You're not going to make a joke or anything? You're just going to nod along?

What does that mean?

What do you mean? What exactly did you used to do? You used to work for a guy who?

Okay, well, he's in jail, so let's talk about it. You don't have to be so vague.

Tell us.

And what exactly did you do for him? Instead of such broad, I was his henchman.

All right?

That doesn't make it okay. How do you spell that? L-E-R-O-U-X.

Oh, yeah. Look at him. Did you, like, hang out with him?

How much money did you make when he sold missiles to Iran?

You guys call each other Jew rats? Yeah. Isn't that a double entendre?

You can just say rat. Or Jew. Either one works.

Oh, you wrote a comedy for a change.

Okay.

Tony. Come on.

We're having fun here. Okay, so you really married? Do you really have an anti-Semitic wife?

Okay, I'm gonna give you a little joke, but there you go, buddy. There he goes. Judah Z. All right, last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night. Corinne Aaliyah, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Corinne Aaliyah.

Corinne Aaliyah. All right. You've been on this show before. Yeah. Welcome back. You have a new thing where you say thank you all the time. After, like, every joke, is that working for you in open mics or something like that?

It is.

How do you think that would play in, like, an hour-long set if people paid to see you saying thank you? 158 times in an hour. I like it. They would like it.

You like it? Yeah. And you think it works. I can't wait to see which direction this goes.

You're welcome. You are. You're very welcome. It is. It plays well in a minute.

I wondered what you were getting at there. Me too, Tony. Me too, me too.

It works. It works.

That's right.

Explain to Ari Shafir what that is. Yeah, let him know if he... What is it, Dagestani?

Amazing. Is it true that you go to the same gym as Michael Gonzalez? Yeah. This was a big, big reveal. Did they really call him Big Mike?

Wow.

You signed up for something as Big Mike? Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you're signing up for things as Big Mike. This is amazing.

Big Mike Gonzalez is the new nickname on this show, everybody. Big Mike. Join the fray. Thank you. I appreciate that.

So what's been going on with you since the last time you were on this show, Corinne, Aaliyah?

What an amazing legend of the game. You guys have seen William many times before. Sam used to... Hang out with them in the mean streets of Colorado together.

okay, Michael, stop talking to the rest of the band. You can talk to them after the show. He's literally in the in-ear microphone for the rest of the band going, she literally made this shit up, guys. I did not sign up as Big Mike. We're 15 minutes away. You can rationalize you calling yourself Big Mike after this.

Yeah.

Yep, yep. All right, so.

And you really have a boyfriend that you work out with? Yes. And you guys all work out at the same gym?

As Big Mike over here? Yes. Who's stronger, your boyfriend or Big Mike?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Tell the truth now, Big Mike says. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Oh, he loves it.

I think we know the answer. I think we know the answer. Oh, wow. He wants to take off his shirt so badly, ladies and gentlemen. He's going to reveal why they call him Big Mike. You want to take it off? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, 85 pounds of shredded beef. Absolutely crazy. Wow. Hey, Big Mike, thank you. Oh, my goodness. Wow. That is one of the most ripped quesadillas I've ever seen in my entire life.

There you go.

Hell, yeah. Absolutely unbelievable.

Oh, it's Josh. Is that true? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Now who's tackling Big Mike? Wow, Jesus, Josh, the guy that helps D Madness. Good job, Josh. Wow, that's incredible. I can't believe, I would not have guessed that about innocent little Josh. Where'd he go? He went into hiding? Where'd he go? He walked off. He's very shy. He can't believe that this has come up.

Josh, do you want to pop your head out here? Wow, yeah, he does. Oh, there he is. Whoa, oh my God, wow. Whoa. Oh, my God. He almost fell over. The guy in charge of making sure D-Madness is safe at all times just almost fell over.

I love it when D gets a little mad. He gets defensive sometimes. And this guy drinks all evening long from the time this sound check starts.

A lot of people don't know that D Madness, as well as being a great musician and famously homophobic, Loves having a few cocktails at night. And towards the end of the show, he could get a little wild.

There you go. There she goes. Corinna Lee, everybody. On to the next one we go. Your final comedian of the night. You got to ask yourself, a show that starts with William Montgomery, well, how can you possibly end it? Well, there's only one way to end a show that starts with William Montgomery, and that is with the future American citizen. Yes, indeed. It is the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.

Absolutely ridiculously amazing. Two minutes and 30 seconds.

With five times as many punchlines as anyone else tonight.

Well, we have a special thing that's happening. I can't believe you organically brought this up. We have two special sacks for you.

That is incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

Double Ari's happening at this moment.

That was fantastic, Ari. Thank you. You've done it again. Absolutely incredible. How's life been going for you?

There they are.

Boobies!

Hell yeah, those things just make you want to get on the shitter and pull your pants down to your ankles. Yes. You can't even look back at it. I love it. Look at those.

Amazing. We had a little Christmas party here last night.

Yeah.

Oh, well, you really just stepped on the whole thing I was doing there. Thank you, Ari. It was basically getting back to her fat tits. But you had to make it about your balls. Clearly, nothing I was getting to there as the host of the show, but... Yeah, and Ari, everybody knows that. Everybody, Ari has two ball sacks. More educational than it is comedy.

High definition.

You thought of me? He was trying to not come fast.

Big Mike knows all about that.

It's a tiny, tiny amount.

Meow!

Pew! Old Big Mike make a little loads over there. This is how you get Mike's coming like this Oh

On airplanes, on restaurants, backstage, at the bar, all the time. Always.

The good news is he's going to pay you what he paid in all of taxes last year. Ari, you are the absolute fucking man.

You're watching a shooting star in real time with the stylings of the future American Ari Mati. And we did it. How about a hand for our fucking amazing guests, Ari Shafir and Sam Talent. They're on tour. Buy their tickets. You know where to find them. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in... Ari Shaffir has a brand new special on Netflix January 14th, everybody. Do you believe in miracles?

You may not know it is an anatomical anomaly, they call it.

Pretty much did it.

Yeah, me and Joe did. We had dinner with the Netflix executives and we said, don't be gay. That's all you have to tell them. Sometimes you gotta tell these fuckers what's up. Hell yeah. Lady made a hundred bucks tonight in the audience. Wow. How about one more time for the great Sam Talent with two L's, huh? Thank you. Two of the best guests to ever do it. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in.

It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Is that baby Red Band? Oh my God. Baby Red Band with a Tony haircut. Look at that. Oh, my God. He already had fat tits all the way back then, folks. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red Band. Check out thesunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. There you go. We love you guys. Thank you, everybody.

Yeah, no, I was doing another she has tits joke. We're going to have to give her like 50 grand at the end of this episode to say that she enjoyed herself. It's going to be great. It's what she makes monthly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to have to promote something. Are your nipples pierced? Do you have like a small business you'd like us to promote or something?

You don't make things on Etsy or something like that? Do you have an OnlyFans? We can make this up to you. What do you do for a living? What do you do? A concierge. Wow. Okay. What is that, an expensive escort? What is that? Is that what that is? How about your man here? Sir, what do you do? We'll plug something for you.

You work in my... Okay, well, you guys, you know, you need to start your own businesses or something. What can I say?

Is anybody in your family allergic to cats by any chance? Because I don't know if you know this, but Red Band literally is covered in cat hair, everybody. I don't know if you see that, but there it goes, a little gift. A little gift for the audience. Oh, she's gonna catch it. She's gonna, there it is, yeah!

Welcome to another episode of Fucking Disgusting with your superstar, Brian Redband, where Tony picks things off a Redband and throws it in the crowd.

You have to leave Santa some breast milk.

Wait, look at that one. That's like an eight-year-old kid.

That's a fully grown kid. Wow. Oh, my God. What a fucking loophole. God, it's still that way, Redman? It's unbelievable.

It is unbelievable. Sometimes the babies are dolls. Yeah. And it's full-grown adults. There's, like, an 11-year-old on one of the ones he just had out. Which leads me to my point. Sir, if you suck on her... All right, this is out of control. Even D-Madness is like, I can't even look at this shit anymore. All right, we're having fun. You really want Red Band to come over for Christmas?

Yeah, Red Band, are y'all going to come? Why do you want Red Band to come? I think you'd have a good time. What are you looking forward to the most?

Christmas with Red Band. I hate Christmas so much. Oh my goodness. I really don't like it. What a shock.

Look at that. How exciting. Could be there. What's to think about? Just go. Yeah. All right. I love it. William, what else is going on other than the Christmas spirits and whatnot?

It's like Insult Rain Man over here. Did you know that according to your zip code, if you translate it to Morris code, it spells out f**k.

I think that's when you die. Hold on. Where's the producers here?

Let's talk ball.

Hey, come on, man. All right. Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude. Come on, dude. Take it easy, Matt. I'm fucked up, man. Yeah, that's just bullying.

Okay, there's two weeks. Two weeks off.

Oh, look at this.

Just any joke you make at me, you're like, no. Every time I roast you, you get a plug.

I say he gets pulled over. The black guy just gave me a thumbs up.

He doesn't even know. Redman, that is crazy. Redman, what did you just do? Have fun bleeping that in the edit, you creep.

Oh, God, you didn't? I hope you did. Oh, Jesus. Oh, boy. Vince, it's time.

And he's back, everybody.

That is great. So we met at the house.

She didn't really get a chance.

That's it. Great.

That's perfect. You did it, Bri. Unbelievable.

This is what I got.

I love this idea.

I'm not. I'm not.

Hell yeah.

That was great.

Good.

Right.

Wow.

This guy.

Here it comes.

Is it a scam?

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Do you like turtles?

You've probably created one of the best strippers in the future, though.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.

Really? You mean it worked for you too much? Yeah, it did, yeah.

Silence of the Lambs, right?

Like a sprinter van?

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

I don't remember. I think I was like, yeah, I'm on JRE. You ever watch that?

Oh, 10 minutes? Yeah, 10 minutes.

Rich.

Have you ever been to Allentown? Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thank you. Thank you.

Bob Depp, are you on The Secret Show?

That be... Where'd you meet him? Like, jail? So, my...

You're not going to my school of comedy.

Except all the millions of people.

Welcome to 50, guys.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.

And a lot of gingerbread houses.

It does look like a gingerbread house town. It's a bunch of wineries. It's an awesome place to take a girl.

Tony, I love Nick's Strawberry Watermelon Ice. It's the best nicotine pouch out there. The flavor in Nick's pouches seriously lasts longer than any other pouches, not to mention they have the best flavor selection. We made a switch to Nicked.

Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter is a hiring site that employers prefer the most based on G2. How fast does ZipRecruiter's smart technology start showing your job to qualified candidates? Immediately. Not to mention ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology works so fast to find top talent. So don't waste your time or money.

Gotta love a rumor like that.

Made a movie about it.

Ram Bam, do you know what he's talking about? Do you know what he's saying? Shit, I don't know what he's talking about. You gave me a firmware update and I'm on.

I know.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible. Look at you. What was the negative part to make it not a five star, though?

Sweaty sheets.

Holy shit. Shut the fuck up. I was in the back for a while. I used to see ethnic comic after ethnic comic. And whatever the fuck you are, probably it's another one. You're the single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony. It's been 16 months since that fateful day on October 7th, and they still haven't brought the hostages home, and you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it.

Robbie. What's your plan?

Yeah, it's good to see you, too. What are you gonna do about fentanyl, buddy? I'm really worried about it.

Sick. I'm going to party. I'll see you guys later. Thank you very much.

I got shit to do today.

How you feeling? You ready for it? Oh, yeah. It's time. I'm sorry to interrupt. That was my fault. It's all good. It's all good.

How do you... Why did you lead with H-E-B?

Yeah.

What, not committing to something? Your true passion is failure?

What does that mean? Oh, God. Are you a child predator?

That's pretty cool. Fort crushing it right now. I didn't think you had it in you, but you really stepped it up.

You and... The comeback story of the year with that Pennsylvania story. Man, I fucking dug down deep. You're a real Doug Flutie.

What's it called?

It's about weed, right?

Oh, because in Miami you're ugly?

That's a hundred years of pussy.

You need to make sure that they're clean.

Okay. How do you tell a guy? So on a date?

I've actually got an allergy to cats, and I don't know what to do about it. And... If anyone has any advice.

You have an allergy to cats? Yeah, I break it.

Hold on, hold on. We're pretty much the same age and you look like shit.

Why do you look like Old Navy?

Robert, what did you say about hitting fat women? I heard you muttering over there.

He was just muttering in character the whole time off mic.

I'm in town all week. I'm just hanging out in Austin. Oh, we're going to have so much fun. It's a cool town. I saw some good honky tonks today.

Slide guitar. Yeah. I'm so excited. Got a new special coming out January 14th. Hell yeah, January 14th. What's it called? It's called America's Sweetheart because that's what I am.

Let me show you guys my pubes.

I'm done with that. I'm done with that.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.

I love condoms and ExpressVPN, Tony. ExpressVPN is so secure, it would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past ExpressVPN's encryption. Just fire up the app, click one button to get Protected.

Tony, I love PrizePix almost as much as I love hoops, which is why this week on PrizePix, I'm looking at the basketball board and selecting Donovan Mitchell for more than 26 points and Jason Tatum for more than nine rebounds.

Wow. I'm going to stop you right there, Ian. Holy shit.

Jesus Christ.

There's the bear. There you go. You got it.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Tony, my Takovas are so comfortable. I put these puppies on and walk over to Terry Black, slam some brisket, and put my feet on the table like a gross monster to show off my Takovas to all the tourists.

guess what tony i love zip recruiter zip intro gives you the power to quickly assess excellent candidates for your job via back-to-back video calls you simply pick a time and zip intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you delicious

Right.

Really?

I'm not getting married.

100%.

No doubt about it. Really sick. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Yeah. There you go, baby. Hell yeah. You came. I came. Good night.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Do you come fast, like, normally? Like, how long do you ask? Wait a minute, Redman. What the fuck we got going on, man? It's so stupid.

Yep.

200?

guess what tony i love open phone it's the best business phone system hands down with open phone your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox that way any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off keeping response times faster than ever see why over 60 000 businesses trust open phone

Perfect.

John Keyes gave him permission, so that's cool. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

Oh, wow.

William Montgomery wore it last week, and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night.

Oh, let's go. Let's fucking go.

I can't remember, actually, but no, they're great. They're great. Is it girls?

They're chill. They're, like, really cool. Yeah.

Is it, like, country music?

All right, this is enough. Jesus fucking Christ.

On Amazon for $15, they have these things where you can take off the Tesla logos and put a Honda Prius on it, and people think it's a Honda Prius.

Okay, well.

You guys didn't realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket playing with her tit? She's been playing with her tit the whole time. She's been going like this the whole time.

We're going to get to the bucket.

Little fucking f***y little bulldike bitch. Yeah. Don't worry about it, DS.

I'd love to have you do a little set at the Secret Show. Oh, really? Oh, thank you. That'd be lovely. There you go.

This is the Big Red Machine, William Amon.

Your shorts look like they were in Cam Patterson's bedroom.

Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com every Thursday. Secret show. Love you guys. Absolutely.

We'll see you guys soon. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

B. Yeah. Okay, Matt. So here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

It's been eight months. You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here? Well, it just got by.

Have you been to an H-E-B yet?

It is. Absolutely right. Shout out to H-E-B, the greatest grocery store that's ever existed. How about a Buc-ee's? Have you been to Buc-ee's?

What did it make you feel like? Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey, a tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey, to walk into a Buc-ee's for the first time. About the wonder that went over your body or however it made you feel.

I love it. So, Matt, what else in your life? You have a crazy family. How do you think you ended up wanting to be a stand-up comedian? What kind of childhood trauma did you go through? Is it that obvious?

This episode's canceled.

That's fantastic. So, Puerto Rican family, what was that like? Hey, we got Tony killed. Great. Fucking awesome. Remember that show? Remember when there used to be a show every Monday? Now that guy's dead. You fucking traitors all of you. Tell us about your fucking family. Hurry. Hurry, motherfucker. Answer now.

You mean bullets? Yeah, when you say you didn't absorb any of the hood, are you saying that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way? Like your dad figured it out?

All right, Matt. Well, what scares you, Matt? What are you afraid of in this world?

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Matt, fun times. You're not worthless to us. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Oh, God. Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian. We're gonna edit all this out. We're gonna edit it all out. All right, Jesus Christ, Heidi, hurry up for the love of fucking God. Okay, all right, have Yoni fix it. Jesus fucking God almighty. All right.

Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? All right. Here we go. Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Lorenzo Tyree.

Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen. Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are? I'm a mutt.

He can't do that. We're all going down if you ask him. You're the one that made a joke about being deported. Where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt?

Okay. All right.

And what's your mom?

Okay.

Ian is onto something here. You have a little bit of a look. What do people say that you look like?

The guy, you know? No. I look like him. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up for, Lorenzo? Roughly a year, just on and off. I can tell it's going roughly. So about a year. Where's this year been?

They got people like you in Alaska? Very few, very few. Damn, your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there. They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow. We'll stay here. Ian. Who gets deported from Alaska?

Okay. Smoke Paradise. What makes your smoke shop better than the rest?

How long have you been working there?

Let's keep it on the human. I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here, and I don't have much to work with right now. Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact about your life. What makes you interesting?

I found my mom overdosing. Was that her thing? Like, was she, like, a partier? You could say that, yeah.

Two of the funniest comedians in the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The fun never ends here. It is the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest. These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode. We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best. It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. Fuck yeah.

Do you fish a lot in Alaska?

Yeah, exactly. It's just tang. Well, it's like the powder.

Well, yeah, but that's actually... What the fuck is going on here? It's not the worst breakfast beverage in the world. Tang's not that terrible. I mean, yeah, the bread, like, it filled up, made me full.

So you had Tang, and you said bread with butter. Was this bread toasted?

No toaster. No toaster. So it was just raw bread. Yeah. Raw bread. But essentially, essentially it's sushi toast.

I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast.

Yeah, raw bread.

Raw bread is normal for lunch and dinner. Raw bread. Especially dinner.

Sorry we're talking. You fucking blew our mind. Now that dough has entered the conversation, you're right. I guess dough would kind of be raw bread. And bread is raw toast.

There's levels to it. There's levels to it. There's dough, then there's bread, then there's toast.

Red band.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Where's your sound effect? Somebody's father came flying out of nowhere and dropped that. There it is. You guys might not have been here last week. We have a new sound effect for when Red Band has a good one. Okay. Well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo. It was okay. Here comes a little joke book coming at you. There he goes.

Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book. And on and on it goes. How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen? He is the muscle. The muscle. Not quite as pretty as Heidi, but he can do like mechanical shit. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner. He is a legend on this show. Make some noise for the great and powerful Aaron Belisle, everybody.

It's a return of Aaron Belisle. from America's Got Talent recruited for that show here on Kill Tony. AGT, Kill Tony legend. One more time for the great Aaron Belisle, everybody.

We got another chair. We got a second chair. Wave to the people. You threw your shit out already? It was so fast. There's a chair. Fuck yeah. One more time for Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. They're on tour. IanBagg.com, TylerFisher.com. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen. Goddamn. A lot of drama going on with the golden ticket winners lately. Look at you, filling up fucking condoms, taking them home with you. You really did that?

You are a wild boy, Aaron Paul Isle. Good Lord almighty. Look at that. Never heard you make so much noise before. Hey, you guys. Very interesting. So it was a one-night stand? You can barely fucking stand.

The old reverse squirter there. The old no-look squirt, just the fucking... Clit, grab, and claw. Yep.

Oh. More like froggy style.

It is true though, by the way, that's hot. That's hot. Do you have any special crazy things you're into in the bedroom? You ever use Mr. Scratchy for anything? Ian Bagg?

Sorry. What are you into, Aaron? You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth. That wouldn't do anything.

For those of you just listening to the podcast, his thumb is absolutely scorching across the board.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, they don't. No, nobody wants that inside of him. Mr. Scratchy needs to... There's a watch in it for you.

Would you want this inside? Oh, he's cooking up something, Ian. Look out.

You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe, right? You're a Canadian, right? You're Canadian? Yeah. You didn't tell me that.

Okay, all right. It's a hot subject tonight. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Very topical. All right, you fucking son of a bitch. Over there typing shit. Aaron Belisle, what else is going on, Deuterino?

That's amazing. You doing... Well, yeah.

Yeah. Isn't that an interesting vegetable for the... Onion. Of all the vegetables, you went with onions there? You want it inside you.

Ah, fuck yeah, Aaron. By putting it inside them? I love it. So you really took the condom home with you? Is that a real thing? No way, right? I mean, you could, yes or no, you could shake your head on this one. You just go to the bathroom, man.

Oh, okay. Well, all right. Thank you, Aaron. You fucking piece of shit. All right. Okay. Anything else we should know about you, Aaron?

I love it that one of my special needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring so many special needs comedians. You have to love it. I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies down a little bit.

All right. Aaron. I love you, you're amazing. You have some tour dates coming up or something? You have that already preset in your phone?

Wow, there he goes. MuteComedian.com. We know him, we love him. Our boy, there he goes, galloping away. It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse. You're like, oh, he's going for it again. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, everybody. Angel Maldonado.

You got it. All socials, at Ty the Fish. F-I-S-C-H.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Angel.

I love it. Well, welcome back. Tyler, you've been on this show once before. Ian Bagg, this is your first time. Yes. Welcome, Ian. We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight. Uh-huh. Yes. Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. That's real. Yeah, it's in the bucket here. And they are all at a bar across the street.

All right, Angel Maldonado. How you doing, Angel?

Okay, there's the excuses. Yeah. Why are you so tired?

Yeah. Okay. What else? I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job. What is that, like eight to three or something?

Yeah, yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. It's on tape. We all heard it.

You're from New York? What ethnicity are you, Angel Maldonado?

The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage. The island has a landfill problem. The landfills are filled. The joke stems from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It is a misdirect joke. You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Yeah. I would still vote for you over her. Thank you.

Yeah. Can you just try, please, without any practice, a Kamala impression? Yo, I swear I'm black.

If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them, and they have to wrap it up then. And that's it. You want to pull the first name tonight, sir? Look at that. That's a first.

Yeah. It's sad.

You like, you went to school for that? UCB. Okay.

Really? You seem like a good-looking guy. You seem like you have a good sense of humor. Yeah, I mean, I get flirted with a lot at my new job. It's pretty cool. What's your flirt like? Give us an example. Pretend like there's a woman. She hands you her ID. What do you say?

Okay, Angel, what are some other, what are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? Oh, man. You can snowboard here, so.

Really, you could say any one of the things that are going through your head.

How often are you doing cocaine, Angel?

Let's talk about it.

It's just a cocaine addiction. And don't apologize to your mom about this. She saw your minute. I take Prozac. You take Prozac? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take Prozac and cocaine? Where does the energy go, man?

Right off the top there. Yeah, go ahead. Take it. Get them. And yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight. It's been a while since we saw him.

How long have you been on Prozac?

uh sobriety helps my stage presence a little more than like drinking and smoking and obviously i'm still struggling with that right yeah you said you're high yeah so how you went to the therapist what like five months ago ballpark uh yeah just about yeah that's yeah pretty accurate seven months you said you went to a therapist i'm just guessing yeah no you got you got the track you're shocked like i'm a psychic or something like that no uh

I'm not. I know you're smart. So you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months. And how long have you been doing cocaine?

Okay, so it's a new problem. I love this. This is good. This interview is going well.

You know what I'm saying? So when's the last time you did cocaine? Was it last night? Maybe. Okay. Are you looking for cocaine? No, no, no. I'm just curious. I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you. So you're working last night, right? Maybe. Okay, enough with the maybe. So it's a yes?

Okay. So when do you do the cocaine? Who do you do it with? Do you do it by yourself? Do you buy it?

When you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself sometimes? Tony, sometimes, yes. Okay, so like the last time you did it.

So, all right. And that helps you get through the night. But then you drink. Yeah. And you wake up and you're depressed.

And you take Prozac.

And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again.

Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit? A little bit. What do they say?

Angel, here's a little joke coming at you. There you go. Absolutely. There he goes. Angel Maldonado. Appreciate it. Um, no, you know what I'm gonna do? Before we do that, I'm gonna say that that set was so, so,

So low energy, such a little amount of laughter that I think I'm gonna bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really, really poorly and gets almost zero laughter. Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado. This guy is what I think of when I think of somebody bailing, when I think of somebody doing energy drinks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticket winner with a brand new 60 seconds. This is Drew Nickens, everybody.

You know, I forgot all about that fucking joke.

All right. Well, it's a cute little Halloween joke. Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but that fucking guy. Yeah, it's a weird week when you could say Barack Obama criticized my joke. He said I made a joke about black people eating watermelons. That's not true. It was a joke about carving watermelons at an all-black Halloween party. The joke being, of course, it's white.

He really does. How many energy drinks have you had today? Three. Wow. Which ones? Was it just Red Bulls?

You sipped a Red Bull down there.

I love it. I love it. You mix some water. You cut it with some water.

I love it, Drew.

Tell him, Tony. When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture?

Drew, what else is going on with you?

What's some of your tricks? Do you like pretend like you're dumber at the table and like fuck people up? You like play stupid like, oh, this is a good hand when you're bluffing.

Love it. I got a brain injury, sir. Same thing. Okay. Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here. You know what I'm saying? Poker joke! Hell yeah. Drew, I absolutely love you. Thanks for popping in. You are the man. There goes Drew Nickens. On to the next one. Now we got a bucket full and then we'll do that.

Your fourth bucket full of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Taylor Neely. Here we go. Taylor Neely with a new minute.

Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Did you do some Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there? No. You seem like a wild boy. Me?

You're like, okay. Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your Adderall-infested younger brother here?

Wow. I know. Okay. Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right?

Okay. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Where at?

Atlanta, Georgia. You still live in Atlanta? No, I moved here in August. Okay. Well, welcome, welcome. Thank you. What do you love about Austin, Texas?

What do you do for work here?

You're a handyman?

From what, dollhouses?

Whoa. Uh-oh. We're about to have a flyweight fight of the century over here.

Wow. Taylor and Tyler, Tyler and Taylor. We'd be waiting in ounces, man, I think. Wow, this is crazy to see.

Fuck. the fuck is D Madness going right now? Is somebody going to help this fucking guy? There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain, by the way. I've never seen D walk off on his own before. You just walked a blind guy. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. So what did you say your height was? 5'8". Get the fuck out of here. No way, dude. Is anyone believing that? I'm literally 5'4".

Tyler, why don't you, Tyler, take this. Tyler.

That looks about right. Wow. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't think we need the tape measure. I kind of believe you at 5'8". I'll believe 5'8". Yeah, he's 5'8". Fuck.

Ian, what do you think about this young buck?

Just mounting TVs. And high heels.

Yeah.

Okay. So you're a Mexican. Yeah.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Shout out. Absolutely. We absolutely love ZipRecruiter. No doubt about it.

All right. What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor? What's your nightlife like?

There it is.

Grow up and smoke crack like an adult. Yeah. How did you end up smoking crack?

You tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio?

So you smoked it, a homeless guy. You smoke crack. What happens? Take us through the process, please.

Okay, okay. So then what happened?

Fifth Street, Sixth Street. Did you love it?

Let me ask you this. How soon after that did you want to do it again?

Yeah. So you kept like, and you would drink almost every night?

Yeah, it sounds like it. What do you guys think?

There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house. Can I mount your TV?

He's an honorable crackhead.

Well, Taylor, fun times. Decent set. A lot of that was trying to get the crowd to fucking repeat after you shit. So you're leaving here with a little joke book. Come back again. Keep signing up. Maybe you'll get a big one. There goes Taylor Neely, everybody. We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time.

This young man is selling out all over the country, technically all over the world. Anytime he announces a date, it sells out. He's a monster. You get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.

Unbelievable. That's how it's done. A brand new minute. from the man himself.

Heath Cornus. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. Hi. I don't even know where to begin.

We are. We outside.

It's unbelievable.

We are in it.

No doubt about it.

What did you do to make her call you a bigot? What did you do to make her call me a bigot? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. God damn. Thank you, Tony.

It's been fucking crazy. Don't fight. Don't fight. Rope-a-dope. Just let them wear themselves out.

Trump, what do you think about Cam Patterson?

So funny, bro. So it's been a wild week for you, huh, Cam?

He's a real mailman?

Hello, how are you? Why'd you point at me when you said stiff socks?

Is he the youngest?

Yeah, this is good. Is the mailman your blood brother? Yes. But he's not the oldest. You count the oldest as one of your actual brothers?

Yeah. Absolutely. So a woman broke your heart?

What the fuck that mean? There you go. Red band's back. He was on fire for two weeks. What the fuck happened? That was terrible. Back to normal. He snapped out of it. All right. I love it. Cam, were you on the road this week at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was cool, girl.

Oh, my goodness.

How did that happen? What happened?

Real Gucci stuff?

If it was closed, if it was closed when he went in there, I'm pretty sure. No, no, no. Absolutely.

Yes.

No.

Look at that cute little tiny watch. That's a little baby-ass watch. That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen.

Where did you get this? Is that Stuart Little's? What is that? Where do you get a watch like that?

Oh my, come on. God damn it. I make fun of your watch, you just gotta bring that up.

What happened with Delta? Let's take a moment to talk about this. Let's talk about it. I want Cam's input on this. I'm glad to be here for this. He has a lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta, I'm sure.

Hold on. You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what? A flight attendant. Right. That's an important part of the story. Okay. You just said you took a picture of a pride pin. So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin, and you said what?

Oh, yeah. It's true.

So what airline have you been using since?

Oh, look at me.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay. All right. Wow. Delta. Yeah, Delta. I mean, isn't that interesting that, like... Like, I mean... We both had a rough week, huh?

I wish.

Cam, literally the best minute of the night so far. You did it again. He has to do it every week. Not easy. Not an easy gig at all. How loud can this place get for the great Cam Patterson? All right, back to the bucket we go. Jesus, I just broke a name. That's a verse. Look at that. Brute strength. Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody. Leslie Childs is next.

She said you could grow with her. Something that's absolutely physically impossible.

Well, joke's on her. The guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore. Fucking your ex-wife. Welcome to the show, Leslie. Frontier is roomy. Appreciate it.

Everywhere's roomy for you. You got to stand up on this seat to adjust your air vent.

So, Leslie, how long have you been doing stand-up?

You've been trying to get on this show for almost four years.

When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on?

Name some of the things that you've been through.

So you're in South Carolina. That's where you live.

Your car broke five times on the way to the HEV Center. Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times?

Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath the bridge. Let's just take it one step at a time here, Leslie. So how many times do you think you've driven from South Carolina to Austin, Texas to sign up for this show? Just give me a ballpark.

Oh, my God. Are you also on a no-fly list?

Okay, Leslie. Well, congratulations. You're here. You finally did it. All the hours on the road. That's amazing.

I love it. I love it, Leslie. You didn't give up. Here you are.

You're, like, the fourth retarded guy on the show tonight.

And by how fast you said that, you're also autistic.

Incredible.

So let's cover some of this scroll, man. You want me to read it, dude? Let's fucking do it. How many of you want to hear this scroll?

Go ahead.

All right.

Hold on a second. Let's back it up a second. When you say that you married a girl out of spite in order to piss your dad off... You ready for this? Yeah.

Okay.

Let's go to number six.