D Madness
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
I might not be able to see a thing, but I never forget a bitch. Like, what?
USA! Egg on. Fuck it. You guys can probably tell by my accent that I'm an alcoholic. So, yeah, fuck yeah, cheers. Have one for me. Yeah, fuck yeah. Good to see you. As rough as I seem, I get it. My day job, I work with people with special needs. Thank you, one person. Fuck, yeah. I work in construction. Yeah, so everyone that I work with has special needs. Fuck yeah. Any blue-collar boys in here?
Not enough. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm a carpenter. I hear you guys need a wall built. Not by an immigrant. Hell yeah. I only have myself to blame for getting into construction as well because I took career advice from a man named Benny Benassi. Couple familiarities. Fuck yeah.
If you don't know the song, the music video came out when I was 12 years old and it was just a bunch of hot chicks doing construction work in slow motion. I was 12. It's like, all right, captain, sign me up, right? It was just...
Yeah. Now I just get called queer for a living. Fuck yeah, I'm Peter Grant. Thank you, guys. All right. Peter Grant.
Hey, Tony Inchcliffe. How are you? Hello. How are you, Peter Grant?
Mostly up in Vancouver, Canada.
Australia. Which part? Melbourne. Outside Melbourne in the country.
Yeah. I'm a little small town boy. Hey, Stamptown.
Carpenter. Sorry, man. No, it's good. It's good. Look, you don't have to do it.
Yeah. Jesus was my inspiration for a while.
And then I found out that was bullshit, right, Texas?
I grew up Catholic and then started smoking weed and I like conspiracies more than God, I think.
I just got married this year to an American woman. So I'm legally down here, married, spousal visa.
She's from West Virginia, but she lives with me now, Tony. Where at? Austin, Texas for now.
Yes, we've got a house up in Canada that needs to get off our mortgage and then we're down here.
I like the romanticization of it, though. Thank you, Red Band.
Just look at Brian right now.
I only have two heroes in life. One is Melania Trump, and I've already accomplished that. And my second guy is... I married... What do you mean you've already accomplished that? I married to get into the country.
What? My wife's American. Sorry. So romantic.
No, we're deeply in love. I love my wife. That's not a question.
No, I feel like I have to retort what I said before.
A little bit nervous, I'd say, for sure, Tony. Absolutely.
Yeah, I was the first responder on a guy that jumped off a bridge a couple years ago. Did he land on JP? He wouldn't be the first responder then. He'd be fine, yeah. No, yeah, I held a man while he was dying, and yeah. What did you say to him? You're going to be okay.
He already had the hospital tag on, so he already still had hospital. Oh, wow. Ready to go.
He escaped out of a mental institution? I believe so, and then jumped off the bridge, and then I was just telling him to keep breathing because I didn't know what else to say.
Good work, bro. That's excellent work. Wow. Can someone say that to me now? Keep breathing.
Yeah, she picks and chooses her job. She doesn't really work full-on anymore. She does expedition chef all around the world, so she gets to pick and choose where she goes now.
I was just back there, and Texas has a lot of it, but it's just easy. It feels like here there's a lot of stuff going on in the cities. I know that sounds like a fucking retarded state back there, but it's just everything's calm, and I miss the calm. It's a lot more here. I'm from a small country town. I'm not used to the cities. I've been living in Vancouver. It's not much of a city compared.
Oh, Trudeau, probably. Okay. I've lived there and watched him live in the country. What do you love most about America? I love your amendments. I think that it's good to have a structure in play. Oh, how did that win you guys? I like that you have a structure in place.
Well, how hard it was to get in, but I guess that's a good thing.
He had so much fucking confidence when he said that.
You guys, I recently matched with a girl on Tinder and her bio said, fun and down to earth. Yeah, I wish I knew that was code for living in a tent. Dude, I was walking down 6th Street earlier, and I saw someone with a shirt that said, end Alzheimer's. It's like, with what, a shotgun? Dude, y'all ever notice how potholes and crackheads are really similar?
Yeah, you know, it's like they both spend all their time in the street. All they do is annoy people. And when you run one over, you're like, ugh. I blame the city. Anyway, the election's finally over, right? You know, some are really excited, some are really sad. I mean, I'm worried, because I'm pretty sure I'm getting kicked out of women's basketball next year. Hell yeah, that was my time, guys.
Thank you. A solid set. That was good.
That was good. That was pretty good.
I'm about to hit two years in January.
It went okay. Not as good as this, though. No, not at all. You've been working hard. You've gotten a lot better. Dude, I'm fucking trying, man. Austin's awesome. The opportunity's here.
Dude, you're just trying to fucking stay happy. Good luck. Tell us about that. What's that process like for you? Sorry to interrupt. I try to take it really seriously. Try to just every free moment. I don't work as much as I used to. I work part time so I can put more time in. What's that job? I fix cell phones. You look like a falconer.
A couple. Yeah, a couple guys under bridges. A couple trolls.
No doubt about it. Do you know any magic tricks? I know how to make a girl disappear.
Uh, I've been on a couple dates here in Austin. Nothing. I never go on a second date.
Uh, I took a girl to see Casey Rocket. Okay.
That's pretty good. She said she'd never seen a comedy show. I wanted to take her one. Okay.
No, it was an actual show.
No, it went pretty well. She was pretty cool. I introduced her to some friends. It was cool, though. She was very interested in my black friends. She suddenly... She got very black all of a sudden. Wow. Oh, I love your set. I was like, where did this come from? Wow. What do they call that? A code change? What is that? Code switch. Code switch. Yeah. That one. They used to just call it a switch.
I'll be right out. I drove, like, there's, like, a town 30 minutes south of Austin. Sugar, you got to be cool about this.
Oh, don't you dare be nothing in my pussy before I go on this date. Hey, get that bitch-ass falcon out of here. Hey, whose bitch-ass falcon is this? He even got his arm up. Where's that falcon?
Don't overestimate by, you know. I think I've weighed the same weight for like the last like 15 years. I think I weigh like 155, 60. Yeah, that makes sense.
I don't have very much meat on my bones.
Not crying. Do you cry? I cry a lot. How often? If the movie's good, I'll just start crying. I don't know why.
Thrice? Yes, three times a week. Let's say that. Full balling. Shakes.
He loves this new nickname.
Wow. Hey, you're cute. That hair.
Can I get a cigar? Do you guys have cigars back there? Yeah, thanks. All right. Hell yeah.
That's a good idea. I'll jizz on the dress.
All right, let's guess. Don't say it.
You got... Wait a minute. Try again. It's malfunctioning. Hold on.
Yeah, you look like you're fumigating yourself.
Let's do it. Let's do it. Oh, my God. Be careful, Ari. This guy clearly stormed the Capitol. So he can get those stairs in.
Man, this is worse than when they pick who's going to play better. All right, never mind.
Get over here. Come on. Can we get you guys both on the scale?
You gotta go fuck her.
Get him out of here. Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby. Oh, thank you. Shelby.
Eat the glass. I'll buy you one. I'll buy you another drink, whatever that was. I got it.
I thought you were Nancy Pelosi kneeling. Oh, my God.
Dude, are you from the future? You look like Book of Eli. Slippers on, big jacket. You're like the Matrix James.
What is that?
Ari, fuck them.
Face of a black guy from the 70s somehow. It is true.
Nah, I'm just messing. You look cool. You look like a leader of a cult, 45.
Absolutely. I'm with you.
What's that button on your dick? S. That's a great question.
No, there's nothing wrong with you. Yeah. Come on, you were molested.
You got molested face.
All profits go to the Maui fires. Yeah.
That's right. That's right. Damn, you got knocked into gay.
Attack me at your own wrist.
They'll believe it. I bet, I bet. Gays in the military.
Sorry. Yeah, sorry, man. Sorry.
Oh, okay, great.
I felt wrong about moving it away. Now you've donated to a gay charity. That's right.
That's how it starts.
I ain't even know Donna General had, like, corporate. I used to imagine a guy like me, like, fuck, nigga, you're fired. It's over, boss. Get the fuck out of here, dog. It's over. Damn. I was in L.A. I was around the fires. I was there. I blame the gays. That's who I blame for. It's funny, because I was riding around, and I seen, like, all the houses on fire and shit. And you know what was crazy?
You know what was still standing? You know what was still standing? All the ash and the rubble and all the fire, what was still standing was brick chimneys. Why not make the houses out of that next time? That make the most sense ever, you fucking dumbass niggas. Hey, why would you make the house out of matchsticks, you fucking dumbass? That's crazy, dog. Also, it was funny.
I was riding around, and I saw a lot of people evacuating their houses and shit like that. And you know what I didn't see? A lot of dogs. No dogs. Yeah, you on, dumb white bitch. Yeah. You know who happy? Asian niggas. They are happy as fuck. All right, I'm done. That's good. Get me out of here. Perfect.
No, I know.
That is a good question.
I was rushing this one.
It's good.
Shit, nothing. Run around. Run around for fire. I said, help these people out. That was cool. My homeboy was out there, so we dropped the water off, shit like that.
You helping looting? Huh? Oh, sorry.
Nah, but it was a chase that was on fire, and I was excited about that. I was like, if I ain't have no money, nigga, I'll go get that. You know what I'm saying?
I think your hair got a little thin. It seemed like a good idea. You still mad at Bart Simpson? What the fuck that even mean, man? Sideshow Bob. He's a character on the... You got to get a TV. No, I've seen it. I've seen the show.
I've seen the show. I've heard it before.
Who gave to our folk? The band looks more urban. You got some new digs here, Tony. Like, nice new equipment. Yeah. Leveling up.
We got a bunch of water and shit. You just bought a bunch of water? Yeah, and then like, well, nigga, it was on fire, dickhead. Right. They didn't need water. Bought a bunch of water. We had a bunch of water. And then, like, it was people, like, helping out. So we bought them, like, plates so they can put food on and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Didn't run around.
How bad is it? Is it rough?
It is pretty bad.
It is pretty bad. Obviously, Cam's fucking fighting it.
He's fat, though. You are thin. You could slip right through a border wall. Look at this guy.
Just got to get rid of Red Band and we're moving.
What nationality are you? You haven't mentioned it.
I know, but you know.
We love the mix. It's sad you guys will be leaving soon. But, you know. Hey, I don't make the rules. I got two weeks. I got two weeks.
Oh, yeah. It's on.
That's my jizz rag.
Oh, I thought you, I was gonna say, that's a clean concentration camp. But, you know. But yeah, half white.
And she left. Yeah, she left. Well, that's your job. What the hell?
You seem pretty well adjusted with the mom gone, the little dad. You're hanging in there.
Little dad.
Get him over here.
I think Charles is better at drumming and comedy.
Yeah. Spam Patterson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure, man. You want to hit this? Sure, I'll fuck you.
There you go, Timmy.
Oh, Donkey Kong.
Is that made out of ShamWow? Yeah, and you know... Oh, shit.
I'm going to give him a raise.
Wait. Did you go to jail for that?
No, I don't want anywhere near that fucking thing.
Yeah. A lot of candles.
Vince, please don't be getting sued by the ShamWow guy.
No, we're good. It's time to throw in the towel.
Was she on the reg? All right. That's the last talent joke.
Hey, Red Band's on the board.
Oh, cool. Ah, Yosemite Sham. Yosemite Sham, wow.
Keep them coming, sister. Give me a queef.
If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids? Yeah.
Can we hear a zinger about dicks?
A joke. Like a comedian?
Give me some yuck-em-ups, you burp pig.
Yeah. She's been the best yet, probably.
I bet he comes on here at one point.
Well, you did his show at the garden. Yeah, I did his show at the garden. You did not get a booklet. I did not.
Hey, we gave ours casinos, motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. That's a little parting gift.
Never had diarrhea. Right. Wow, that's American. Yeah. We clean it up. Although, it is a Mexican making it. But still. Do you get lucky over there in Mexico?
So how much you pay? Couple of pesos.
That's not just America. I'm pretty sure that's a fucking Estonian thing. What are you talking about? They're pretty big in Europe and Mexico.
Oh, all right. I thought that was Airy Matty. All right.
Go home. More free. It's all about free with you guys. Yeah, yeah.
Congratulations.
Somebody put on some Elton John. You too? Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, exactly. But you do it before the restaurant's even open, though. Why do you just not make enough?
Fuck you got going on, man? He probably never even looked at her. He was just staring at you. Like, this nigga doing great. He's doing phenomenal right now.
Call it curdling, right? You curdle it. Fucking disgusting, Red Band. Settle down.
Okay. You need jokes first, then the audience will come. There you go.
Here, boy. Hey, get your ass over here, dog.
What are the odds you were being serious on that one?
Upload that pussy. I'm getting it.
This is why we've got to stop with the goddamn vaccines.
Hey, Tony, could I plug something really quickly? I just want to tell everybody my Christmas album, RFK's Rockin' Christmas, is dropping tomorrow at 9.30. I sing all the classics, like... Hold on, I want to clear my throat. Go ahead, RFK. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose, a son of a bitch. Come, they told me. Pum, pum, pum, pum, pum. Pum, pum, pum, pum.
Pum, pum, pum, pum. Sit back around the fire with your family and enjoy RFK Jr. 's rockin' Christmas.
Silent night. Holy night. God damn it. Probably, I don't know, Walmart or something.
When I know Cheryl wants to make love, I have a panic attack. I worry I can't finish, you know. Guys know this, after about six months, it's really hard to finish. You know, you've got to find things in your life, you know, that you can take to the bedroom and fantasize. Take, for example, me right now. I've been having some fantasies about this woman in the front row and I feel horrible about it.
But I can take that with me and hopefully finish later. So try that, my friend.
By the way, sorry, Tony. I have to apologize because I'm doing my amends and secrets keep us sick, and I want to apologize to this woman for sexualizing her like that. The whole time he was talking, I was having a fantasy, and it's just not right, and I apologize.
She was laying on a bed in my mind, not clothed at all, and I was above her, and I just Louis C.K'd all over her, and I just want to say I'm sorry to you.
Unfortunately, the fantasy didn't stop there, Tony. I then brought her into a tub to clean off my mess, and I was massaging her breasts, of course, and I began to get arousing, and I thought, God damn it, RFK, can you just, this is someone's daughter, God damn it. But I couldn't help myself, and I apologize to you, miss. Wow, I hope she says you're forgiven.
Well, you may not when you hear about the rest of my fantasy. You see, no, please, please, just let me finish, and please don't laugh. This is, I'm trying to make amends here, and secrets do keep us sick. Then what happened was, in my fantasy, of course, she had asked me to tuck my genitalia down under myself so I'd look like a lady in the front.
And then she said that I look like a pretty girl, which, of course, brought a tear to my eye, because it was something I always wanted to hear. And then, of course, she came from behind me and kicked me in the nutsack, and I ejaculated immediately. By the way, I'll be right back. I have to change. I'll be right back.
Go ahead. Let's do a duet. Keep going. Let's do a duet. My voice blends well with other voices, so let's try this. There's Santa. You're a polar bear. You fucking queer. Go ahead. I'll follow the changes. Oh, try me, boy. This is your big break, do it. Show us what you got. You can do it, Rachel.
Get RFK's Rockin' Christmas tomorrow afternoon.
He's fantastic. He does a lot of puppet work. He juggles, too. Go see Kyle Dunnigan. He actually just juggles the puppets. Mouth of it all. They just fly through the air.
I should probably say that I can't... I can't stay too long. I have a German shepherd slow roasting on my grill that I have to tend to. But I'll be here for most of the show.
Well, Depends what kind you're talking, what sort of donut are you talking about? That's a good question.
Oh yeah, there's definitely a bunch. They make actually a delicious bison donut by me and those are actually quite healthy. By the way, here I have some kangaroo meat if you want to take a bite off that.
Kangaroo meat, it's really high in vitamin Q if anybody's interested in trying.
All right, I like to hear that. Have you tried any owl urine? This cures measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes. Please, God. Please, God. Take away the itch.
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. God damn it. They never let that son of a bitch play any goddamn games. There's a lot of bullies and assholes out there. If you see a reindeer, I'm going to kick him in the goddamn head.
Tony, I haven't looked to my right yet. Is it a black guy? Oh, my God. Oh, that would be so racist. Thank God.
I don't know. I just wanted to make sure.
While they're waiting, maybe I should apologize real quickly because I'm low on electrolytes and I'm gonna be sipping this fermented owl urine throughout the show. I wanna apologize now for doing that. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, owl urine doesn't taste as good as you think it would.
Oh, sorry. I was distracted. I was sending a dick pic to a journalist.
You know, Tony, I hate to interrupt this, but I'm getting a little... What did you say your name was? His name? Your name. Law? Law, yeah. I'm sorry. I just, I don't... I probably shouldn't tell this story, but, um... I was in Da Nang about eight clicks out of Saigon, and I was helping this girl across the border. Her name was Law, and I haven't thought about her in years.
Anyway, she stepped on a landmine, and it... It blew her into two pieces. And it was like a chicken when she kept walking as two separate beings. And she came to me like, help. And I pushed her together, but it was too late. But anyways, it was a funny set.
Oh, God. I knew a girl. Never mind.
It's not as tame as the last story.
It's worse than that one, and I'd rather not say it, all right? Tony, it's a comedy show.
Who's the one with MS? Who's that? My mama. All right, I want you to do something because I can cure this. All right, listen. No, I'm being... I want you to give her this. It looks like a lifesaver, but it's not. This is dehydrated bat cum. It's got... No, it's... That's all you need to do. Just... She'll be as good as gold in the morning.
It's a totally unnecessary profession, but okay. You just need to eat wheatgrass, ladies. Just have wheatgrass every three days. You're fine.
Jesus Christ. Cheryl Hill, right?
Yeah, what did she have to say?
He's called you the N-word like five times. Unbelievable. Yeah, I think we're probably good. You want me to do something about it? No. All right. All right. Just give me the word, Tony, and I'll take care of it.
Nah, it's not a big deal. It's overblown.
Oh, your mouth. I would like to introduce you all, though, to my cricket. This is actually, these are very good pets. If anybody, they have the most protein, pound per pound, of any animal. This is little Marilyn Monroe, I call her. Because if you stroke her enough, she squirts. Anyway, I'm not hurting her. I'm not hurting her. I just got her right here. She's all right. She's all right.
Does the carpet match your vagina? Yeah. All right. We were all thinking that.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna force you to do, because I can see by your sunken eyes, you don't have enough iron in your blood. You're losing blood. And so what I want you to do for me is I want you to save your feces, and I want you to leave it out in the sun. And then I want you to just sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning, and you'll thank me. You'll thank me for it. Trust me.
Alcohol's worn off. Jesus. Yeah. Herpes free at the bottom of this glass, so...
You, sir, are never getting into this country.
I mean, you do bring up a pretty good point there, Tully, but... The way he's eating ass, I could tell by how he's doing it all wrong.
This is little Marilyn Monroe. And when you stroke her, she squirts. That's why I called her little Marilyn Monroe. My father, the story my father told me. Anyway. There she is. There's all, I mean, there's so much protein in this little one. They're good pets, but one day I will consume her. And don't worry, Marilyn, it'll be days from now, which is thousands of years for them, so it's all good.
You know what's tough about it is the owls have what's called a colloquia, which is the vagina and the asshole are one thing. So it's more like a vast hole of sorts. And so what I have to do to get the urine is I have to filter out the feces, which you can never get all the feces out.
Hey, this is Redneck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Get Over Tony!
LAUGHTER Absolutely. Do you like that? I like that. I like that.
You just dropped a name. Now I don't like you. Oh, sorry.
You think of me or your wife when... I'm going to stop both of you from talking for a second.
All right, okay. Where's the music?
No. You don't? No. You didn't get one last time? I got like the- The little one. The Tic Tac thing. JP, I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa, look at this.
Yeah. Oh, you could tell by my fucking blocked-up glasses. Oh, I should get on my motorcycle now. I purchased from Hinterleiter.
I got two gay dads. My gay dad's amazing. I know people are gay before they even know. This guy? You'll find out.
What's that? Oh, timey voice. I don't know.
Oh, give it some time. Hold on a second. He hangs out at grocery stores, in the woods, truck shops, and doesn't know what a beaver is. This guy's gay as fuck. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? The jig is up, dude. I'll suck you off right now, dude. I look like the CEO of Bucky's, by the way.
You look like a Puerto Rican Rachel Maddow, actually. We know how this guy's voting tomorrow. Holy shit.
What are you saying, man? I live there.
Fuck. Fuck. You're free, my friend. You're free. Being whitewashed was the most he was cleaned, though, I'd say. Okie dokie. I got nothing to lose. I just got banned from Delta Airlines, so... All right.
Well, the garbage is frozen there. You can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it.
I'm young, I'm just trying to figure out myself. You got a pink left earring, again. Look at that, a pink left earring. I think that's red, man. Huh? It's red. Oh, it's the right one? Red. Oh, red. Sorry, I don't see color. I like that, I like that. I do see Jews, though. I do see Jews.
The salmon is, I know. Yeah, absolutely.
I didn't know the people are.
I want to hear more about that, though, as far as your writing goes. I would write about that. That's interesting stuff.
Let's back it up to breakfast again.
I feel like we're doing whatever drugs your mom is on right now. I don't know.
One-hand stand. Calls it a one-hand stand. That's good for grabbing the clit, that little claw thing. Yeah. You kind of get me getting, you know. Yep.
Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there? All small. Some hats. I'm shadow banned on the internet. You're not even shadow banned for your shit, so you got to spell it out. You got to write it all out now or you're not going to find it. I love it.
I'm still wearing Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time, by the way.
Oh, my God. Let's just say... Just say what subway you live off of.
We love the garbage, we love it. Forget it. We love the garbage, right? This guy just crawled out of the garbage can. He's voting for me. So strong. If he can wake up, if he can wake up tomorrow, wake this guy up, right? Wake this guy up. That's crazy. Sleepy little angel. Look at this guy.
Just like Joe Biden, sleepy little angel. Where did that evil laugh come from?
Can you do a Trump impression? I think that would kill if you could do that.
He's winning them back. You look like a hotter version of Kamala, actually. Ah, thank you. You're slightly more retarded than her, but it's in the eyes or something.
Yeah, yeah. Wow. Oh, you're just frozen still a little bit.
Because you don't have to talk to anybody.
Well, we know what the anxiety disorder is.
Have you tried cleaning your damn room? Jordan Peterson. No. Wow.
The brothers, we didn't, I'm not going to do an Obama. What am I, what am I? Can you do an Obama? I can't really, but you kind of, you're like doing a Kramer impression if you said the N word more a little bit.
Just like Tang. Cut it with some water, baby.
They call him big blind. He doesn't see social cues. I'm not autistic. I'm just dumb, dog.
I think I'm the only guy in town that looks like Jeff Foxworthy, fuck Macaulay Culkin, all right? You better watch out. Put this on, you'll look just like me. Just tell people you're me, I'll make a ton of money.
That is what I look like, though. Fuck.
Do you also put your height on Tinder as millimeters?
Are you sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street?
The crackheads love me. They love me.
I love the African-Americans. Pfft. I love Trump acts like he saved black people. Before I was president, black people, they couldn't even walk. They couldn't speak English. Cam barely can, but he's doing great. I speak great English, nigga. My English is phenomenal. He's like Joe Biden, mumbling, mumbling.
He the best, man. He's just been doing his Kamala impression this whole time, man. Shit!
I got a bracelet, nigga. I'm wearing a woman's watch. You got a woman's watch? Look at that.
It makes my wrist look bigger. I got a whole thing that makes me look bigger.
I found it in the garbage. Puerto Rico.
I like it. I need it. I'm on the no-fly list.
It's an Atlanta-based company. They were all riding in the overhead luggage, actually. They came out right up. Oh, so I tweeted a photo.
Here we go. Tyler Fisher's Delta story. My Delta story. I took a picture of a pride pin and I just tweeted out, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I said, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Does it? I got banned for life for that shit? For life? Yeah. Damn. For life. Forever? Forever. Damn. I'm fucked forever. Forever, ever? I got to take trains now. I got to take choo-choo trains to my shows.
It's the biggest airline in the world.
I will suck a pilot's dick to get back on a little plane.
They're suing me. I've been thinking this shit. I'm a fucking genius. They're going to sue me, yeah. For your little watch. Yeah, take all I got. This is it.
Oh, I took Frontier. I flew in this morning.
They didn't even go up to a gate. They parked in the middle of the runway and just put a fucking ramp down.
Yeah, boycott Delta, by the way. Yeah. All right, there you go.
I'm raised by gay men. I love gay men. You were raised by gay men? Yes. What's going on here, man? I didn't know this. What's going on here? What's going on here? My dad came out when I was seven. He came out as racist, but then four years later, he started fucking dudes. Damn. Really? Yeah. What? Look at me, obviously.
I don't know why you have to keep bringing my shit up here, Tyler. I'd rather have yours. You could still fly Delta, right? Not to Puerto Rico, but... I'd much rather have yours, dude. I will trade. I'll start smoking. I'll do whatever I gotta do.
I hide in the bathroom. I just sleep under the sink.
Imagine it was an upgrade. I'm going to just...
A lot of different lists. And no touch list. Wow.
That's how every Todd speaks. Everyone quiet down.
I was running a pedo ring. I just felt like running. Jenny was six at the time. She like crack cocaine, too. Crack cocaine, regular cocaine.
If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now. It's true. It's true. It's not a joke. It's not a joke. Come on. Those are the longest toes I've ever seen. He looks like he has long toes. You look like you were born from pre-cum. I... I can say that because I was. Solidarity, man. Look at that. Jeffrey Dahmer when he was six.
The end is just going to be a confession. Number 14, you're going to like this one.
Is that why you look like a balding Hitler right now? Yeah. Seid schuld! Fight?
The Jews hate him. The Jews hate this guy.
I'm a fugitive from Delta Airlines.
You got a chick there, though?
Lady Blue Balls. This is a real... It doesn't sound good for me at all.
Did you guys share a coach seat?
That's about it. We saw each other at the airport. I know, we saw each, yeah. That was the day I got banned. Really? Yes, that was the flight that I tweeted the pin. Did you get banned too? Huh? I got banned from Delta Airlines.
We saw each other about 50 times because we had to go through the TSA pre-check. So we had to make conversation. Imagine that. About 50 times we did it. We did pretty well. I know. And then I got banned from Delta Airlines about 10 minutes later. So... It's like a Seinfeld episode. We're just bringing it closer.
Was it a woman? Who's to say? You get in trouble for even... Really? Vote. Make sure you vote.
I'm tired of treating adults like kids with the rainbow bullshit. It's enough. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Well, I was doing so good until now.
Yeah, I took a photo and I posted it. And I actually deleted the photo because somebody's, her face was in it. And her daughter reached out and said, I agree with you. I hate the woke shit. And her friend reached out and goes, I hate the fucking woke shit, but can you take it down? Because her face is in it. I took it down. Still got mad. Wow. Yeah. Impressive traction on Twitter, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and retweet that. Yeah, that's... Tie the fish. It's going to be right there. F-I-S-C-H.
No, no, I got banned for a tweet. I took a photo and tweeted it later on and banned for life. Got to be careful. Yeah.
Are you bisexual? You got the... Isn't that the left earring? Are we still doing that?
It's very hard to talk with these in, but I look cool as fuck though, man. I look so fucking cool, man.
Jerome. Jerome? I thought he said Yoron. Well, never mind. Continue. I thought he said Yoron. Well, that's an Asian nigga, man. That's not a real person, dog. No way that's a real fucking person. Hell yeah.
This nigga still smoke opium. He still on it.
He's fucking insane. What are we talking about right now, man? My cats, my cats. My cats. He's fucking crazy, man. You're so tired of the abuse. He crazy, man.
Do you have Jennifer's number?
That hurt my feelings. That hurt my feelings. I'm very sad right now. Not that it's expensive. It was free, actually.
Yeah. Oh, okay. It's my real team. I got permanent now. It's permanent.
Yo. Yo, Carnell. Yo, Carnell. Fuck, nigga. Hell yeah. Yeah. Carnell. Yo. What's up, Carnell? Yo. Duolingo, nigga. Hell yeah.
Yeah, thanks to the show. The show saved my life. Yeah.
So I'll try again, but... I would love to do it. Okay. Hell yeah. I need a diversity hire. I'm here. That's my job, shit.
He ended with cotton picking minute. Oh, shit. What is that?
It's funny. As a young black man in America, I got to sit here and go like this while he's doing it. But I liked it.
I know. No, no, I liked it.
Tony, no. Nigga, what the fuck?
I'm an educated young black man in America. Where is it? I read books. I don't know what you're talking about. I read books really well. I don't have a grill. Why did you bail on it?
Put the girl back in. Okay, wait a minute now. Wait a minute. Shit, hold on. Wait a minute. I'm going to put it back in. Hold on. Tony, what time did the show start today?
I was here early as fuck. Black people be early sometimes, nigga.
Yeah, when I'm having sex. Oh. When I'm fucking, I'm always late. Oh. I don't know what that mean, but it sounded cool. It sounded cool as fuck to say though, dog.
HEY! HEY! THAT GUY HAD GOLD TEETH IN HIM WHEN HE DID IT. IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ME AT ALL. THAT GUY HAD GOLD TEETH.
That was horrible, but you look good.
I would keep my mouth shut.
That's so hard that my teeth were permanent in the green room. And he just said, I'm sorry.
What the? That in my goddamn throat?
I swear to God, Han, I'm punching your ribs. Just throw up on me. Han, don't throw up on me, man. I swear to God. I love you. Don't throw up on me.
What does that mean? Nobody likes that. That's not even a... That's just nasty in all races, I think.
Tony, please don't do this. You gotta suck him.
I come from your typical normal-sized family, you know? My sister's six foot, my mom's six foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me. Really stunning my growth growing up. Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp. I said, mom, I already get bullied. You know?
So nevertheless, I went. And it's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages. They put them in a ring and we fight to the death. Yeah. You know, it's a cruel world. My girlfriend just dumped me.
I was talking to a buddy about it and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's. Nevertheless, don't call her a bitch. She doesn't like that. That's my time.
What is the actual deal? I know you like to guess. What do you think I have? Fucking... That sucks-ism? Down syndrome? What is it? Dwarfism or herpes? Who you been talking to? No, I have a disease called spondyloepimetaphyseal dysplasia. Oh my God. Tell us what that is exactly. In a bunch of words, it's like I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth. Whoa.
So I actually... What the fuck, Redman?
I don't ask questions. How tall are you?
Up to your chest, King. This is the most compliments I've ever gotten, so I want to thank you guys.
I work on a pirate ship. Hold on.
I can sustain myself, kind of, you know.
It's at my house in, I'm on East 10th.
I have an electric bike, so like 10 minutes.
I'm single. A little less woos than I expected. You know what I miss most about being in a relationship? Is it the sex? I don't give a fuck about the sex. I miss the arguing. God! I just miss having someone else to blame. When you're single, it's all my fault. Every time I fuck up, I just have to be in front of the mirror like, you piece of shit.
That's the best when you have a girl, you get to unload. You have a shit day at work when you're driving back home, you know, when you're like, you know, when you're like pre-arguing, you're like... You know when you're like building a case. You're like playing that mental chess. Oh, you're gonna bring up my sister, huh? What about the cunt of a mother you have?
You get home, she has that stupid face.
She calls you a loser, you call her a bitch. She gets the knife from the kitchen, you hold the cat over the balcony.
Because when I'm alone, dude, when I'm alone at home, dude, when you have a wife and you hit your toe, you get to be like, who the fuck put this?
You know, I want to respect the format.
Never seen what a bong looks like in human form.
I've never met a luckier guy in a casino than you, by the way. I do have. It's insane.
Before we boarded the flight back home, we had like 15 minutes and he just went to a random slot machine, put in like a hundred bucks, got 700. And he was like, I use it as an ATM. You know? Yeah. It's literally insane. I'm never, bing, bing, bing, bing.
It did not like immigrants, that machine. Yeah, I don't know what side... You can feel this is a needy pool.
It was insane, dude. You having a meltdown in a casino, one of my favorite things I've seen in life.
So he put, I don't know roulette, but he put five roulettes on like one, what is it, number nine did you put? Yeah. Yeah, he put on 509, which is times 36, which is $72 billion or something. Yeah, it's an insane thing to do.
And it's a round nine. The ball is flirting with the nine.
Just before it gets in, a lady appears, grabs the ball.
We walked around the casino and I'm behind you.
And then the whole time he's arguing with people. I'm just standing behind Tony with a jack suit and a fucked up accent like, where are my friend's money?
Dude, but it's so funny watching you because, you know, you're at the perfect level of celebrity where the people know you, they love you, but if they don't know who you are, you seem absolutely bananas.
You really stood up and went, everybody stop playing.
Dana White next to me and Tony on the monitor. He looks so much younger. Both of us bloated, four hours of sleep, shake shack.
Sorry, maybe I might have the wrong settings on my Uber. I might have it to quiet.
Well, they were sick of you, were they?
He started smiling before he said it. I don't want to profile, but I think I've just seen a suspicious package.
Now, fat people aren't notoriously funny. Have you considered putting the weight back on?
What would... There's people... Yeah, way to win them over.
Very small. That's the smallest size it comes in.
Sean Stewart. Jimmy, what are your thoughts here? Well, if you want to get your dick sucked, I think we get the last guy back.
Can I ask, you said you were Cuban, yes? Yeah. Are you, and I'm just checking here, are you the ghost of a Cuban boy?
You just, you look very, very pale and then you're shitting white. Can I just check, can everyone else see him? Okay, he's not a dead boy.
You didn't do a minute of stand-up for the doctor, did you? Because that could explain the not caring.
Have there been any changes recently? Not much, not much.
Let's leave that to one side. How are things downstairs? Oh, exactly the same.
Okay, so you're going to have to explain chuckle fuckers to me.
Now... Well... That's... That's no good. I can't un-hear that. I think the Australian accent might be better. I think maybe stick to that.
Yeah, let's go with that, yeah. Yeah, let's go with that. Let's go with that. When you fucked a few pre-op transsexuals, you realize these cunts are full of shit. I've got whiskey hole.
You say he was out of your league, but he clearly liked you, right? He was into it.
Well, then maybe he's in your league. He is. You're right. I don't want to sound like an old-fashioned... Absolutely.
Listen, there's a lot of jokes in this show, but this is from the heart. I think... I think you should have... I think you should have pissed on that guy. Yeah, I mean that.
That was his name. Well, this is the worst Hallmark movie pitch ever.
Can I say, the interview was so good. The material, the minute or whatever. Just get up and talk about yourself and your life. That's what you need to do. You're great.
Yes. I think you may be too much woman.
Did you steal it from a guy with cerebral palsy?
Okay. 510, baby. Sorry, can you rewind to the bit where you stole a dog from a homeless man?
Stealing a dog. That's actually how I got my kids.
There's actually a name for that where I'm from. That's called begging. Okay.
I hate to be a tourist, but I don't know what a stump jumper is.
I thought it was going to be something to do with horse racing.
This is just as scary as it gets. It just sounds, it's just the gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It's a, no offense to you, you seem like a lovely lady, but a family tree like a fucking broom hand.
Well, yes, indeed. It's an honor and a privilege for you to have me here.
I don't want to make light of domestic violence. It's a very serious thing that affects a lot of people. But can I ask, when this incident happened, were you significantly heavier at the time?
444 pounds. I'm just saying, that's impressive. I was a little slow.
I think... I've got bad news, Tony. I got terrible news.
I've just... You've just given me whiskey hole.
This is going to be great. This is cause for celebration. One third of the horn section are in remission.
I think he could eat an apple through a wire fence.
It is absolutely... I would love to chat longer, but you probably got to stop brushing them soon.
Well, thank you for your service. Can I ask, the disability didn't involve losing a belly button, did it?
See, sense, man. It's a great set. So what do you work out of?
Were you at any stage a bass player for The Strokes? You have that kind of indie rock and roll look.
I think she must really love you because she doesn't want other women to be with you. Yes, exactly.
You know the best way to do that, of course. Tell them you have whiskey hole.
I genuinely wanted to ask, because you opened up with a suicide bit. Do you suffer with that, or was it just a bit?
Wow, we always thought of riding bicycles as being a very healthy pursuit.
I usually drink beer while I'm doing it.
for the freak of nature, Jimmy Carr. Am I right? You missed it. We had a couple of the girls you don't tell anyone about on earlier. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. One of them didn't even have a belly button. Okay.
Bloody hell! How are you, Jimmy? I'm pretty great, man. Great to see you. Where are you from? You're from Tallinn. Estonia. Estonia, from Tallinn?
I fucking love Estonia. It's incredible.
You've got, like, a proper fucking scene there, and you are the star. I'm loving seeing you.
I'm loving seeing the... Do you hear him on Trigonometry this week? Oh, there's a podcast called Tribunele Tree. He fucking killed it. Really? You listened to that? You killed it. You killed it. You're killing it here. Yep.
Jimmy, I... Listen, I'm not your manager, but that's not a bad idea.
Did you just take... If you're honest... Oh, my God. We party, Jimmy. You only took him to get better parking.
Oh, you should have been here earlier.
Yeah, you seem nervous, you're shaking a lot.
Have you considered writing romantic fiction? Excellent.
I know I speak with an English accent, but I think it's a little bit pretentious to do the whole Stephen Hawking thing.
That is perhaps not the greatest of flexes, but yeah.
I think we can put that on the poster. He's a walking, talking Stephen Hawking.
It feels like there's gonna be a but there, and more to this story. Um... What did your mom say?
We got to call mom, dude. I think we've... I'm calling mom. I think if we just call her, I think she'll understand. She's very Mexican. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could keep it... She's very Mexican.
A walking, talking Stephen Hawking. I was weirdly good friends with Stephen Hawking. You were? Yeah, we were pretty close. We used to spend a lot of time together and he could take a joke. Really? He came to see a show of mine once in Cambridge. Okay. the rest of the audience was so uncomfortable around him.
Hold on. Oh, excuse me. I'm here with your son. Holy shit, she asked you. Oh, is it voicemail? Is it voicemail?
Shayna? Hello? Well, hello. We need to... We're here with your son, and we need to know who his father is. Who's he what? We know... We know you caught a lot of dicks 27 years ago. We need to know whose dick you caught.
Just because I said that, you know, when he dies, it's probably going to be, you know, a virus. Of one kind or another. God bless his little heart.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Tony Hinchcliffe is a motherfucker. Tell your mother you love her.
Chances are you're also going to ruin her pussy.
Oh, congratulations. Jimmy Carr. What year is it where you're from?
I kind of love this guy. I think it's the lines, though, the jokes. Forget the jokes. The facial expressions are the punchline.
You just exude funny, and then the lines, meh. You've got a great face. Thank you. Thank you, Jimmy. I'm speechless. It feels like you're a cartoon. Yeah. It doesn't feel real.
Adulation. I feel like... Yeah, it feels like it's like watching Family Guy, the casting for the young Peter Griffin.
Well, I think it's, yeah, that's very smart because you really want to narrow your search. You really want to, yeah, you really want to specialize in a private investigator on a farm, maybe?
Well, you're dressed as a 70s detective. That's got to help, hasn't it?
There's a couple of cops in going, no, we like hurting people.
I'm just thinking about Scooby-Doo. I know, it's crazy. We're all thinking, where's Scoob? Yeah.
And you were born on the 4th of July. That's right.
I can't get enough of this guy. I really like him.
We've got to get you out there. We've got to get you out there. Your face is just funny. Yeah.
Good question, Red Band. Brian Red Band. I'm pretty sure his next line is, can I finger you? Yeah.
Correct. Did they play the bass guitar?
So if someone runs you over but they apologize, you're okay with it? But if they just drive off, you go, well, that seems a bit much. So let us... You may be the nicest man in the world.
That was you? Well, you've got a strange haircut. Yeah.
He's fully formed, isn't he? He really is. He just... It's a look that no other industry would accept this.
Were you living and working at the storage facility?
It's nice because cocaine used to be a very glamorous drug. And I really feel you're making it feel more accessible.
I was about to kill myself, Jimmy, so I had to stop drinking. Don't fucking do it. Don't do it. This is the new dopamine. This is the shit. This is the genuine joy, right? Drugs and alcohol are a proxy for the joy you get from life, right? The real joy. This is the real fucking shit. You're great at it. You're fucking great at it.
If you told me you had wooden teeth, I would believe you.
What's... How much cocaine did you do, and what's the half-life of cocaine? It feels like you may be residual still very high.
Hey, listen. I believe in you. You can get there.
You are. Yeah, Jimmy. You're sweating like a child molester in court. Yeah.
Which is maybe an experience you've had.
Tommy Pope. Who's calling it that?
Who's calling it that? Who's what? Who's doing what? Who's calling it a transracial adoption? I thought it was just an adoption.
I'm here, baby. I'm happy.
They're not saying the N-word anymore? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm more of a strong silent type, but I'm very happy to be here.
Do you have a picture of those?
I mean, I love Cam. Do you remember when I pretended to be you? Huh? Do you remember when I pretended to be you on that blindfolded show?
I don't think they were buying it, to be honest with you guys.
Okay. I mean, there's not much to it. I just walked out. I said, hey, everybody, I'm Cam Patterson. I'm wearing flip-flops right now. I swear to God, I'm black as hell. I'm not lying. And they weren't buying it. I don't know why, but they weren't buying it.
We accidentally said it. They don't like it right now either.
She went to prison. That's accurate. Hold on. What? If she went to prison, she could have got it for free. That's true. Oh, shit. It's cheaper in Mexico, though. Sorry, I don't want to get too long.
I said you don't say. God damn it, Gardini. You know I love you.
What are you doing after this?
We heard you the first time.
The joint's attached to the hat.
Huge fan. Love your style. Sorry you're not getting pussy anymore. Yeah. But, you know, maybe it's for the best.
I'll put a good word out for you. Gardini's gonna put a word out. Sneezy dog leading the sneezier dog. I'll teach you some of my tricks.
Dude, I'll jerk you off right now, man. You just have to leave your hand there. He'll do it. I'm sorry, Martin.
Wow, look at that. You should get that pierced.
Look at this mean green machine. Oh, yes.
I got it. This is patient zero right here. Just starting.
Yeah, every hour I'm on stage, one less woman an hour is getting tied to train tracks.
Yeah, it's the only way I can fall asleep peacefully.
Oh, he shoots baby deers. Well, what would I do for fun if I had the time to? Yeah. I like killing animals. Okay. He did not say the word hunting, folks.
You don't have to hunt down a frog to stomp on it. Wow. Is that what you do? Have you done that? Oh, yeah. I'm just trying to think of what I would do for fun. You ever punch the shit out of a puppy? I've struck a few dogs in my day. You've shuck a few dogs. No, struck them. You shuck corn. You don't shuck dogs, dude.
No, I've not punched a puppy. You wait until their skulls get as thick as Joe's and then you can really give it to them. What does that mean? I don't know.
What did you say about his mother again? I forget. Something about her twat. Oh, that's the one I used. Okay.
Did you say she had big titties? Big, big, big, big titties. But she's anorexic. I know, right? That's what I'm, I didn't even notice. What's her Instagram? Let's look at it.