Harland Williams

You were curious.

So once he made the statement that I've never seen anything, why is there so much hair on it? Yeah. Did that sort of send you into a tailspin that you were not a normal kid, that there was something odd?

I think you might be. Maybe I am. What's your last name again? Segura. Yeah. That's Armenian? Yeah. Idiot. Fuck. Wait, what's Williams?

Oh, wow.

You should go there and get your arsehole treated. I probably should.

You did it down here. I did it here. You went like this. You did like a breast salute.

Bich-nya.

Wow. That's also a sex act in West Hollywood, by the way. Is it? Yeah. Do you live in West Hollywood? No. Where do you live? I live in the hills. Up in the hills. Hollywood Hills, yeah. That's big time. You're a big shot. Oh, yeah, the biggest. Big shots live in the hills.

I look down on George Clooney's house, Cher. Yeah. I'll watch... Gina Davis sunbathed nude from my perch. That's awesome. Yeah. I've seen Mason Reese rolling around with Clint Eastwood's son in the sunset.

I've seen Rod Stewart spread-eagled with Blue Jays pecking at his nutbag in the early morning mist of Hollywood. Wow. Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't the Oonga Bia for me, or whatever it is. Yeah. How do you see that? When you see that through your hairy asshole eyes, how do you interpret that?

What's going through your hairy asshole mind?

I know, but dude, I was up here. I'm like, is that an insult? That's like putting the flag at half mass. It does feel almost like. You gave me a halfie, guy.

Is your arse hairy to this day? Like if it was that hairy at 14. Yeah. Like let's say the pubes were this long maybe.

Like are they like, like do you have dreadlocks down there now? Can you pull up like a super hairy asshole? Are you jamming? I mean, I do, I know this. Like did you shoot the sheriff and you don't care? Like what, how long are your?

Wow. Whoa, God, dude. What the arse is going on? That looks like a rotten pumpkin.

I am not looking at that.

Whoa, dude.

yeah i'm sure that's your passport is that a baby underneath someone's asshole oh my god is that what that is can we go back to the or whatever it was what the fuck is that bro it's a bald guy kissing a baby oh my god that's a bald guy kissing a baby where on the right there that's a ass crack about to swallow a baby

what are you talking about that's amazing monster oh it is you're right yeah shoulders yeah i thought that ass crack was about to swallow a little chinese i was about to call child services on this person i was about to call molly made i don't even know what that means okay can we not okay all right we go back to the bina or whatever it was should i get the uh laser treatment you think

And I can't do this because I don't have a chin. You can still do it. You can do it. Well, it kind of slides off and goes right up my face. Ow. Ow, did that hurt? Ow. Shit, okay. Like, I want to fangula you real bad. Do it. Like, to start the show, but all I'm going to do is hurt myself. Yeah. Oh, careful. Let's try this hand. Okay. Oh, shit. Are you okay? Dude, when's it my turn to fungula?

Dude, I think you need a snow shovel.

Like, scrape that off. Like, dude. It's... Like, if your arse looks like that, I don't want to come to your house for Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

Yeah. Dude. Dude. I just feel like I looked at a panda that got hit by a truck. What the hell was that? I can't even see any pink. It's so hairy in there. It's like if Kenny G fell into the Grand Canyon. I couldn't get out. Like, that's what it looked like.

Isn't it funny? I won't look at a picture on a screen of an anonymous artist, but here I am more than happy to look at your face.

freaking i know it's gross cyclops pink eye i'm gonna make you a sweater here's the thing i'm gonna make you a cashmere sweater with your ass hair well you know we could actually make an ass hair sweater oh you could yeah you can make barry manilow's spring fucking clothing line dude you can make an armenian boat will you show me yours what your asshole uh Can we do it later?

I like to do it when there's a little romance. Studio lights are one thing, but if we could do it in the moonlight with crickets chirping and maybe some Mario Speedwagon playing in the background, then I might.

And could you throw in a KFC Family Fun Pack or a Baconator?

I'll show my arse for a Baconator. We can have the guys go get one real quick. Well, tonight. Oh, tonight, okay. I said when the moon's up. All right, all right. You'll be here tonight? For you, I will, if we're having an arse session.

Or an arse date. I mean, what do you call it when two guys get together in the moonlight and show their arses? What is that? That's probably like an R-State. Like a midnight R-State.

Ain't a what?

Oh, damn. What's his name? Any. Oh, I thought you said Ainy, which made sense.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's he denying? What am I refuting? Everything that he says about me. Everything. Okay.

Oh, thank you. Sorry to interrupt you. No worries.

It's important that he set the record straight. He's got a good voice, doesn't he? He does. Yeah. Might want to bring him tonight when we're having our arse date.

But that voice, he could do the color commentary like he's watching a sports game.

Save it for tonight, guy.

harland highway podcast i gotta get you on there dude i'd love to come on you've been dancing around it for five years and i've only been doing the podcast for two yeah so we gotta get you on there you we almost did it last time you're out we were we were changing exchanging tax and you were almost here but then something came up and you had to bolt but we'll catch you i come

to la a lot we'll get you next time i think once we have our r state you're going to be more compelled because i think we're going to feel closer oh we definitely will and you'll probably in the back of your head go oh sure i'll do harlan's pod and while i'm there probably it'll lead to an ass date that night then i'm in or an r state i'm in yeah um what's the uh what's going on with canada

Like that's a very broad, like Canada's the second biggest piece of geography, the second biggest country in the world. And when you say what's going on with Canada, that encapsulates so much. So you need to narrow it down, Nacho. Okay. Put it in a family fun pack and help daddy get organized.

You can do it whenever you want. I know, but I don't want to hurt my face. Just do the finger. One finger? Oh, one of these.

Well, they just reelected the liberal government, which is odd to me because they despised and refuted it. They literally threw their liberal prime minister up because they hated what he was doing so much. So to protest that and affirm how much they hated him... They reelected a guy that he appointed before they kicked him out. And so now I guess his legacy and his policies continue.

So I'm confounded. I would think if you hated a leader so much and his policies, you wouldn't want the second guy that he...

put in there to take over so i'm a little confused as to why they did it i don't have a horse in the race i don't live there yeah but it's i'm a little confused to be honest yeah which prompted my question what's going on with canada yeah it's a little odd yeah it's like if you hated a leader so much like if this country hated trump so much and everyone pushed him out

And then they said, you know, let's put in a guy that he handpicked to replace him. Well, you're still going to get a lot of the same stuff, right?

Yeah. So I don't know, but I guess it's a democratic process. They voted for it. So, you know, you make your bed, you sleep in it, right? Do you still go a lot? I do every second night. Every second night you go to Canada? Oh, no. You just said, do I go a lot? Oh, to the bathroom. No. What?

power slam bro oh power slam yeah okay that's the i mean you ever been to england yeah yeah you go a lot mate you go hey you go hey give it a go hey you're locked to go so when you said that i immediately thought of that you meant in the bedroom yeah But do I go to Canada a lot? Yeah. Here and there. It's my home country, so I still have family there. All over the country or no?

Well, I don't like this because really the implication is it's like I'm supposed to be getting the better of this exchange, right? I'm the tough guy, but what am I really saying? Hey, you, I want to put my finger in your anus.

No, mostly in Ontario. Ontario, they call it. Ontario. Do you want to hear the song? People don't know that Ontario has its own anthem. Yeah, let's hear it. Imagine if Texas or Maine or Minnesota had its own anthem. Yeah. Canada has its national anthem. People don't know Ontario has an anthem. Give us a place to stand and a place to grow. We'll call this place Ontario.

A place to stand, a place to grow. Ontario. You have a hairy arse. I didn't mean that last part. That's not part of the anthem. I'm not going to even take it like it was a dig at me. I know it wasn't a dig, but I almost added you to the anthem by accident. At the end, I accidentally sang You Have a Hairy Arse. Yeah.

Yeah. What is it?

You have a hairy arse.

No, that's the song. Are you BSing me right now? No. Hey, hey, guy. It's like, have a steak. Hold on, guy. Grab a gun. Guy. What? I'm an invited guest. Yeah. That makes me sort of special. I agree. So that makes me a special invited guest. Agree. So if you think I'm going to sit here in this kid's school or whatever this is. Yeah. And be BSed. By Dr. Johnny Hairy Asshole over here.

You got the wrong guy. Texas is the bestest.

It sounds a little too regional. Is there any lines about go to the dollar store or shop at Winn-Dixie? Buc-ee's.

How's that? What's that one? I didn't hear it.

Yeah. Is there a song about your arsehole in there?

A line in the anthem about your arsehole. Because that's got to be a Texas treasure. A Texas, my arsehole? Yeah. I've only been here a few years. But I'm sure people of this fine state recognize that your arsehole is a true treasure. I wish more, honestly.

Maybe we could start like a petition to get your arsehole weaved into the Texas anthem.

It would be awesome. Good for you.

I'm about 15 inches.

Oh, got you.

What did you think it was, up your raisin bread? No. Dude, it's up your calamari ring.

Well, what did you ask for?

I got to take a chest. Oh, okay. Because I wouldn't really want a sweater for that area anyways. What are you talking about? Just stuff. Pink stuff. Veiny stuff. Jesus Christ. Stuff with a mushroom cap on it. Dude. Like a pizza. What's your favorite pizza? Your what? I didn't say anything, guy. I didn't say anything. Fuck off.

It's your own show, but I'm going to have to ask you to roll your chair back about three inches and fuck off. Hey. Dude, I know it's your show. Here's what I'm asking. Never heard you say the F word. Roll your chair back about three inches and fuck off real nice for daddy. Three inches, guy. Surely you can do a three inch fuck off for me. Why do you keep saying the F word?

Two inches. Can you do a two inch roll back and do a real deep fuck off for daddy?

Well, you just showed me your arsehole, and I'm not allowed to say the F word? That's a different level. Did you just roll two? Yeah. Fuck off. I did. Okay, but I had to verify. I didn't know you'd rolled back already. You saw me do it. I know, but I wanted to verify. As a polite person, I wanted to confirm before I F'd you. Nicotine pouch? No, thanks. I'm straight.

By the way, I tried one of those. Yeah. I was doing a gig in Kansas City. Yeah. My opener was this girl comic. I forget her name. My apologies.

No, but I fingered a calamari ring. It was at a Greek restaurant, Mr. Greek, down on Melrose the other night. Yeah. And they brought these delicious fried calamari rings. I thought they were deep fried assholes. Yeah, yeah. And I just grabbed on and it looked like the perfect fit and I put it on and it screamed. Yeah. I don't know if you ever had your food scream. No, so it was still alive.

And she's like eating those things all weekend. Yeah. And finally, they're nicotine things, right?

So I said, what are those? She goes, oh, they're little nicotine things. I've never had a cigarette in my life. I don't know. What strength was it?

Are you laughing because I never had a cigarette? Are you laughing about the story I'm about to tell?

So she said, do you want one? And I said, I'll take one. I'm not going to have it now. But I go, what do they do? She goes, oh, it just gives you a little buzz, like a little kick. And I thought, I've always heard about nicotine. I've always heard about the addiction and cigarettes. Never experienced that.

So she gives me one, little pack like you have. Yeah. I don't know that they come in different strengths. I take it home with me. I think it sat around for about a month. Oh, wow. And one morning, I was just sitting at my computer. It's probably like 10 in the morning. And I was feeling a little groggy. And I was like, you know, you're just like, you can't get the motor going.

And the thing was saying, you know what? Let's see what happens. And I put it in there thinking I'd get like this little tiny buzz like after you've had your first beer. Yeah. And dude, this thing hit me. I almost fainted. I literally, I had it in my mouth for about maybe eight minutes, and I thought it would level off, but it just kept going. I literally took it out.

I wobbled back to my house, and I had to lay down for almost six hours. I almost threw up. Six hours? Six hours. I went right back to sleep. I almost fainted. Like, dude. You do another one after that? No, never. Okay. Shoot, I'm not even joking. It was brutal.

I don't know, but I mean, it was a girl, so it could have been that much. Right. Girls. Girls can't do what guys do. Right. No. I didn't say that. You did. I said it? I think you just said that. I was doing things with my eyes, but I think you said it, not me. If you play the tape back, it was you.

I probably drink it maybe once, twice a year.

Yeah, if I just happen to run into it and it's like I'm at a party or something, but it's very rare. That's extremely rare. When I was younger, I did it a little bit more, but I was never, like many major alcohols I've never had. Like rye and whiskey. You've never had? Yeah, I've never tasted a lot of true alcohol. Well, you've had beer? I've had beer. Beer's the one I sort of started.

I tried wine, and then I had my first margarita about seven years ago. I'd never had tequila my whole life. I'd never had whiskey. Vodka? Yeah. Vodka, I think I had one screwdriver once, like a couple of sips. Yeah.

No, I loved it. The effect of being drunk or buzzed is wonderful, but I just... I was always very leery of it because I always was worried it would cause damage to my instrument. I knew I wasn't going to be a doctor or a lawyer or someone that could make a living out of a book, out of academia. I knew my living would probably come from

I don't know.

my instrument, my creativity, my ability to think on the fly, to be creative, artistic. You were right. So I've been very protective of my noggin, as they say. And so no drugs? Very, very little. Smoked pot a few times. Acid? I don't want to say, but if I did go to Burning Man, that might have been the place where I tried it. Mushrooms? And same there. Cocaine? No, never tried cocaine. Heroin?

No, no. Meth? No, nothing hard like that. No, no. Okay. Very careful. There's things I've tried once out of curiosity, and that's it.

And by the way, marvel at like, I'm not endorsing it, but what a night I had. Like, I loved it. Yeah. It was euphoric and beautiful, but I'm disciplined enough to go, okay, you tried it. You tasted the flavor. Don't go back.

Yeah, I am. I was just more curious, but I also have an active imagination, so I wanted to see. I have friends that do that so regularly. Yeah, and maybe it doesn't do anything, but my assumption was that if you alter the chemistry and the biology that's already been created, maybe it's not a healthy thing, but maybe it is. What do I know? I'm not right about anything.

What do you mean? That's a big question. Put it in context.

Very careful. Yeah. Yeah. Very careful about it. Wow. But, you know, then there's that old adage like. And I don't lean towards this, but I could also be open to it. You hear these stories about very creative people, you know, songwriters and poets and, you know. Drugs, man. Lukowski and Jackson Pollock and, you know, so many creative people. Hitler, very creative.

I don't know whether they thrived being under the influence or maybe it suppressed them more, but who's to say which end of the outcome served them better or served the world or society better? Some artists might not have thrived if they didn't have their dependencies and we never would have seen their work. That's true.

Well, the thing that always bothers me about that is you do have a lot of these rock stars and people and then they get later in life and they get clean and they more often than not come out with these statements like, man, I just see everything so clear now. What was I doing? And I wish I'd never done that. And imagine what I would have done if I never tried all this stuff.

And so I think the answer is there's no real answer, but I would just say, be careful of what you got. Because I think maybe in the moment you gain something creatively, but maybe down the road, does it lead to damage or does it lead to

Oh, you're talking pleasure.

Mr. Gorbachev, do drugs, but just don't do too much. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, that sounds more right. Yeah. That was him. Who's your favorite dictator? Oh, wow. Good question. Well, this is going to sound... I don't want it to sound the wrong way. Yeah. But Hitler, not for his cruelty to humanity, his heinous, horrible crimes to Jews and all kinds of people. Right.

i'm more like i like to go behind like a grassy knoll on a busy road and throw raw potatoes at old ladies driving by in cars they have to be raw like a like a picked potato i just love to throw it and hit like the side window while they're driving and they don't throw them off yeah what's your porn search like what do you like to look for i don't do that ever no how come that's for losers jesus you can't use your imagination

And I would say if you take that away, Hitler and his... His pursuits of world domination pushed the limits of technology, pushed the limits of aeronautics, pushed the limits of a lot of things that, because of what he did in the war and his race for world domination, pushed these sciences down. And a lot of what he developed we now use today. Yeah.

And maybe the one pursuit he pursued, which was a master race, he left behind with us a beautiful lesson in what not to do. Right. As much as he created things for us that we implement in our everyday lives today, we might not have space flight. We might not have... the aeronautics industry we have. We might not have the internet. We might not have a lot of things. He really pushed the envelope.

Is it fair to say Harlan Williams, big Hitler fan? No. It'd be fair to say Harlan meets Hitler, punches Hitler in the face with a hand-carved canoe paddle, slaps him in the face. Yeah.

um harley williams admires hitler let's just go with that no i'd say harland williams abhors hitler oh okay wants to grab his little mustache face yeah shove it in your hairy arse rub it around and when he comes out he looks like the lorax yeah that's how harlem feels about hitler but if we separate the heinous the genocide yeah

and we just extrapolate some of the contributions he inadvertently made as a byproduct, I mean, we'd all be hypocrites if we didn't say we all use them to this day because a lot of what he developed we institute in our modern technologies and even probably in the medical field. He did a lot of horrible things, but he somehow left behind... Things that we all use.

Yeah, I guess I do. Now, can we say good idea and bad idea guy?

But I don't think you can dispute that. I mean, an idea is an idea whether you're Hitler, Saddam Hussein, or Einstein.

You know what I mean?

Like, look at Einstein, okay? Big idea guy, right? Yeah. He equals MC squared. Yeah. Well, his math equations led to the creation of the atomic bomb. Now, if I'm breaking down human suffering.

How many people did Hitler kill? I think it was, they say, around 12 million. Mm-hmm. How many people did Hiroshima and Nagasaki and other uses of said nuclear fusion bombs kill or maim or destroy? Yeah. And this is coming from someone we hold up as a genius, Albert Einstein. Right. There's a little touch of evil and goodness in everything.

Hitler, Einstein. But their arms would probably get really sore because those guys were both well over 180 pounds. Yeah, those were sizable guys.

So you think all his evilness came from childhood neglect?

I mean, we can think of anything. Do you ever do like... We got people to Mars. We got people to the moon. I don't need to... I can imagine someone having squishy, squishy time. How about erotic drawings? Do you like those? It depends if I have a box of crayons. Because then... Because then it gets hot. Yeah. When you're drawing, they melt. No, erotic. I like erotic art. Yeah. Yeah. I do too.

So is it safe to say Tom Segura is a Saddam sympathizer? I would say big fan. Big fan. Big fan, yeah. Okay. If that's what I'm getting.

Big fan. Big fan. And how can you not after you just named his laundry list of accomplishments?

Well, was there anything as abstract as it was that I was able to pull out some of the benefits of Hitler? Did Saddam leave behind with us anything that might have been beneficial to the world and society? No.

But these are all government things. I'm talking about something concrete that he left behind. Like, let's say he, out of all his madness, he left us with baklava. Oh, right. Or cinnamon crumble. Damn. Damn. Like, did he leave us with a better cell phone? Did he leave us with a cure for leukemia? Can we do Saddam?

I'm not supporting him, but at the end of his reign... You, quote, said Hitler's a big idea guy. He's a big idea guy, so he did leave stuff behind that we institute into our daily lives every day. But I don't know that Saddam...

left us did he create a better lazy boy chair did he create a hands-free remote did he made the mustache more trendy he definitely left an impact on fashion and did he also make that thing people wear in the when they're flying that horseshoe around their neck okay here you go oh Here we go. Talk to me.

Well, that's his country, though. We're talking about the human race here. All right. What did he do to propel the human race forward?

Okay. You don't have to snap at me. Free health care.

Oh, God, that's not that many. Big zero. Let's go to the negatives. All that stuff and he did nothing. I'm not even seeing cinnamon crumble on there. I thought maybe... He invented, by the way, those horseshoe things you put around your neck.

You know.

If you're a horseshoe guy and you play it in your yard and your neighbors get cranky about the noise, the clanging, throw those neck pillows and play horseshoes. It's as soft as an angel's fart. Really? Just a tip, but let's get back to this. Sorry. Okay.

I didn't want to let that tip go. Do you play horseshoes? I love horseshoes. It's like clang, clang, clang, clang. Your neighbors are like, oh, this incessant horseshoe clanging. I'm going to drown the kids. But you use those things that people use on the airplanes. It's almost like hearing an angel do a popcorn fart at a Dolly Parton movie. Yeah.

Just saying.

Why are you asking about the porn thing? Do you indulge in that?

It looks like nothing, guy. Can we just say your guy did nothing and my guy Hitler did a lot? Not my guy.

Like my guy side of the argument.

Yeah. And your guy's got nothing. Wow. And my guy probably gets you from town to town flying faster because of the work he did on jet engines in World War II. Just saying, Papa, don't preach. I'm keeping the baby face. Because your face, you look like a Madonna video from the 80s when I look at you.

I didn't know. Oh, we are? We don't have to. Oh, God. Do we have to?

Yeah, like cute like that. Seriously? And also like I want to shut it off with the remote, your face. But it's cute until I... Why would you shut it off if it's cute? Just because sometimes it's too cute, like a supernova.

We all love the sun, but when you get a supernova, when a sun or a star explodes in space, it creates a supernova, which is the hottest light almost next to magnesium burning, and then suddenly... Cute becomes dangerous. So you were on the edge of being too cute where my rods and cones were starting to incinerate. I want to write this down.

And daddy don't need no health issues for coming on two koalas in a bush or whatever the fuck this thing's called.

Yeah, is that right? I would get a tramp stamp of that, by the way, right over your giant hairy monster cave.

You can watch it, but I'll block it. Okay. Because I don't want to watch it. You don't want to see any of it? No. Last time I was here, you tried to make me watch a guy pee in his own mouth. Like, I'm not going to. Nice try, Captain Crunch.

Yeah. Yeah. Dated her. You dated Madonna? Yeah. When? Right after she left Sean Penn. She was like down. She was out. Sean was physically abusing her. Shit. And the night I cradled her in my arms, like sobbing, I had to dab lemon water and even onion water, some warm onion water on her face, like just crying like a leprechaun that stepped in some Shrek shit.

Is onion water good for like... It's good for sad people because onions cause you to cry. And so it sort of reverses the tear glands. So you dated her like 87, 88, something like that? 89, 99 in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003. You've had a lot of different... 2004. I mean, we were together a while. She was a beat up. She was abused.

And the nights that I rocked her in my arm, and sometimes she'd make me soak raisin bread, sudden-made raisin bread, a whole loaf in warm milk, and just sort of dab it around her face. She said it felt like being back in the womb. She felt like she was covered in placenta. And I would sing, Papa, don't preach. You're in trouble.

Yeah, and I would sing to her. Yeah.

And it was very tender. People see her as abrasive, as cutting edge.

Yeah, but somehow I was able to break her down and get to that soft side of Madonna. I used to call her Mike. We didn't even use Madonna. I just called her Mike, and I'd hold her, and sometimes I'd be holding her. She'd be naked and covered in onion water, and I'd sprinkle cinnamon on her.

And it almost tenderized her that hard. Yeah. that Madonna exterior, like a virgin, but I got her to a place where it looked like she'd been rolled like 400 times behind a Dairy Queen by truck drivers. Like nowhere near like the virgin thing. And I was able to break that down for her and give that to her. I almost lost a lot of years off of my life because I... You were so dedicated to her.

She was so wounded, and I'm a giver and a healer, and I helped her heal. If you could feel her crying in your arms in the middle of the night, like the smell of burnt cinnamon, and just her heart beating against your chest, and

You'd just squeeze her a little and she'd do like, she loved those apple turnovers from McDonald's and you'd just give her a little squeeze and she'd do little apple turnover farts. Just like, like little, almost like angel whispers into the night. And you'd squeeze her and she'd do little crispy apple turnover farts. So adorable, man. Yeah. What a memory.

god what side of the waffle iron are you on god okay that's bananas um but what about you with arseholes they're called arseholes by the way that's how the english say it that's how this the the squid fishermen say it down off the coast of newfoundland which is where you're from Let me kick you in the arsehole thereby. Yeah. Let's go out jigging for squid, you dirty old arsehole, yeah.

Oh, come on, guy. Yeah?

what do you mean there's fart videos what are you talking about you don't watch i guess if i can see a video of your arse there's probably a fart video come on let's watch some fart videos ah dude you watch them i'm gonna put my hand come on bro i can hear them look we get sound here that's not real those aren't real what do you mean

I mean, you let that much air out, you're going to crinkle up and blow away like a Snickers wrapper on a windy day. Those aren't real. You don't think so? No. They're too wet. Sounds like a penguin just walked out of a car wash and shit its pants. Are you into that, though? Into what? That? Chicks that fart? No. Oh, I don't know, man. I'm just trying to... Are you? No, I just... I don't know.

I think you might be. I think you are. Why aren't you saying no? No. What?

What? Oh, where you said something about somebody? I was looking because they said something about somebody.

It was brutal.

I don't know, but I mean, it was a girl, so it could have been that much. Right. Girls. That was you. Hold on. Girls can't do what guys do. Right. No. I didn't say that. You did.

I think you just said that. I think you just doctored the tape. No, I didn't doctor. That's playback. You said it. Dude, I'm an invited special guest on your show.

I'll tell you what. What? I went for a three-incher about ten minutes ago. Oh, boy. I'm going to ask you to swing your mic back. Swing it back? Roll back about four inches. And? And take a real deep, deep fuck off. Oh, dude. Come on, man. Well, if you're going to play games with Daddy, you think I don't know the tech world? I'm not playing games.

You think I don't have a Westinghouse fridge and a Whirlpool laundry dryer and a Panasonic microwave at my house? You think I don't know the tech world, guy? I have an electric can opener. I'll fuck you seven ways to Thursday. Are you back four? Is your mic back? Fuck off.

No.

I sent another FARP video.

I'm sure there's another one. What do you got? The smallest bone in your body in your ear? That's not a girl. No. That's a girl fart. He ripped ass. That's a guy doing a girl fart. Maybe he's transitioning. Have you thought about that? Yeah. I did it about four months ago in Bermuda. I went from Bermuda and I got tired of tanning as a guy. Because we just wear shorts. We look clunky.

What do we get? One tan line. But when you're a girl, you got the bikini. You got the tan lines above your hips. You got the strap tan lines. And I'm like, enough. I want tan lines. So I transitioned. I was in Bermuda. It was three weeks at the Bikiti Resort. And I laid around. I got tanned. I looked like a pack of bacon at Kenny Rogers' funeral. You want to get spray tanned right after this?

I'd love to. I go to a place called Tantastic down on 9th. Where do you go?

Isn't that in the national anthem?

Yeah, I thought I recognized that line. We go to Nexus, we go get tanned together. Yeah.

Did you... Let me sniff your arsehole in the sun there, friend. Don't you feel like a girl can have just too gamey of an asshole some days? Like there's a Monopoly hotel sticking out of it? Yes. Yeah. I've had that happen. Yeah. Or the little car, the boot. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes they get... I don't know. I guess...

I like to do fun designs, too. I mix my tanning with crafts. What I'll do is I'll lay on the table, and then I'll get a hot dog wiener, an Oktoberfest wiener, and I'll lay it on my stomach in an onion ring. I'll stick it in an onion ring, and then when the tan's done, I take them off. I have this big white spot, and it looks like fucky time on my stomach. Yeah, yeah.

fucky time it's like the Oktoberfest wieners right through the onion ring and it looks like it's like fucky time like fucky time Are you being condescending right now, guy? No, not at all, man. You invited me to tan. I didn't invite you. I know. Silver teeth Timmy or whatever they call you. How do you know they call me silver teeth? I don't know.

I've heard it around town, down at the tattoo parlors, at the rub and tug, at the pinball joint. Yeah. Silver teeth Timmy. I love that shit. But yeah, I'll go tanning with you.

I'm not sure. You'd have to look at my website if you want to go there even. Yeah, we're going to go there. Oh, wow. There it is. Oh, you look so happy there. Yeah, unlike here. Tour dates. Oh, here we go. Thanks, man. Look at you helping me out. Ontario. Oh, some of them are out of date, but I would say go past. All right, there we go. The Royal Theater in Toronto. It's Toronto.

How do you say it? Toronto. I'm from there, guy. No, listen, it's Toronto. Toronto.

I don't know if those, some of those are up in the air, I think, but we can say it. But there's one I want to plug is the, in June 22nd. Yeah. I'm in DC. There's a theater in DC. There it is. The Washington, what's it called? The Howard Theater. Howard Theater. I haven't been to Washington, D.C. forever, so I really want to get, that's the one I want to focus on.

That's the one I'd love people to get tickets to come out to the Howard 22nd.

You look that up? I'm not going to sit here and play word games with you. I'm trying to promote my dates. I'm just, I'm asking, man. And just, can I announce something? Mm-hmm. Folks, just in case you're wondering, I'm just announcing this. I'm just throwing this in. Tom Segura and I are going to do a split headlining at the Howard Theater.

It's me and him, Tom Segura and Harlan, and we'll flip a coin to see who goes first. Okay. But it's Tom and I. Tom's going to do two hours. I'm going to do about 20, 20 minutes. Yeah. And so you don't want to miss the Howard Theater. Howard Theater. Wait, you're going along with this? Yeah, the 22nd of June. I just came up with it right now. You're in? You're not in.

Are you bullshitting me right now? Because I'll give you a third one. Dude, you're bullshitting. I'm not bullshitting you. Back it up about five inches, guy. I don't have any more room. Let me hear it hit the wall.

look dude it's an arsehole of course it's gonna smell gamey what do you what do you think it smells like like potpourri in there i think it smells like a like a thanksgiving dinner with stuffing no it's an arsehole it's gonna smell beyond gamey well it's gonna smell like skanky it's gonna smell like carrion you know what carrion is you don't i think you do Well, I used to work on a farm.

But I'll still do it. Maybe I'll come. One of these days. We've worked together before. Yeah. You don't remember where, do you? Where was it? Melrose? Ass. Ass? You don't remember? Oh, Montreal. No. Where? Florida. At? Remember the Hard Rock Casino, that club down there? In Fart Lauderdale? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we worked together there. We did? Yeah. Yeah, you don't remember? No.

Yeah, we did a whole weekend together. What? That's where we met. No. Well, it's where we first worked together. We worked together a whole weekend there?

No. Fine, be that way. And this is the guy I'm going to go up on the hill under the full moon and show my arse to? Pretty combative for an arse guy. Did we really do that? Mm-hmm. You don't remember? How long ago was this? Oh, dude, this was 20 years ago. We worked together at the Hard Rock... Cafe, the Improv.

Yeah, it was at the Semiloy... The Seminal Hard Rock. Seminal... Salmonella casino or whatever it was. The semen hole. Yeah, you don't remember, huh? No. That was fun, yeah. You know why I liked it? Because it was the first time when your comics, like us, and we're always sort of, we don't get to work together a lot. So it was the first time I really got to work with you and see you do your show.

Yeah, yeah. And I remember how funny you were. Oh, thanks, man. And I remember it was just like, oh, I like this guy. We'd probably bumped into each other, but when you do a weekend, you have to do four nights together and six shows. So I got... Did you just crack one?

Dude, either your chair fucks the tin man at night, or you just cracked like a... No. I heard almost like an 18-wheeler grind into a halt just before hitting a baby on the 15 to Bakersfield.

If something wafts over here in about four seconds and I pass out or puke.

God, dude, wow. Shit, now I feel bad. You smell bad. You don't feel bad, you smell bad. That's tangible, that's real.

Yeah, right? Yeah. You love farts. Yeah, I thought everybody does. But that girl farting on the thing, did that inspire you to do one? It kind of was, oh, wow. Come on, bro. Oh. What in the name of saran wrap? Can we turn it up? Why is he laughing?

Oh, poor baby.

That's not eating them. That's like swallowing them.

That's like looking at Broad Stewart getting his stomach pumped in the 70s right there. Except backwards. And I think she's cute. Well, you can't even see her. She's cute. She looks like a leftover. She's all wrapped up in saran wrap. This is such another level. Dude, you've done this, haven't you? Dude, look at your little owl eyes.

You're like a little owl up on a pine tree in the middle of the night, and you just saw a little mouse run by. I remember when. And you're lit up like Donny Osmond at a Jackson 5 funeral.

Okay, rack your brain. Let's go. Let's go. Let's find out what carrion is. I think you know what carrion is.

And you did? Yeah. With your wife or with a girlfriend? Girlfriend.

Some rando. Yeah. Wow. And how was it?

Have you ever had the Heimlich maneuver? That's not real. That's not real. That girl needs to call the Orkin man. Is that a mouse? Is that a bald mouse? Dude, I will not. Not gonna look at that? I can't watch, no. Whoa, dude. How can you even show that? Is this a product commercial? This is a devil wears penis? What the hell is this? I won't watch the end.

Well, he loves it. He loves it.

You know that's a guy under there for sure.

I can't see his face. These days you don't know. You don't know what's under the floorboards. Just ask Edgar Allan Poe, cask of a Montalado. Do you? You don't know what's behind the wall, guy. No, that's true. Is it gone? I think so. Oh, dude. No. It's like I'm watching Hostel. It's like that movie by, what's his face? Jordan Black or whatever. Who's that director? The guy that did the Hostel?

Dude, you're sitting here as a 41-year-old man telling me you don't know what carrion is? Is it a? Suggs. Suggs? Segura. Tommy. Yeah. What's carrion? Carrion? Yeah. That's decomposed flesh, like from a dead carcass. Oh, I guess. That's what vultures eat, carrion.

Elon... What's his name? Oh, oh, oh. I know who you're talking about. Not Elon Musk.

The guy who did all the hostile... Roth? Eli Roth. Yeah. It's like a... It's gone. It's gone.

Oh, God, dude.

On? I'm not even on the beginning area of a dimmer switch. Let alone on.

Dude, I think we got to analyze your deep psychological sexual issues. Because you like that. You like the farting tube. Yeah. You like the devil wears penis Prada. I mean, I think women are wonderful. They're beautiful, you know. But sticking their stiletto. Yeah. Yeah.

into cyclops mountain that ain't healthy sexual behavior as far as i'm concerned and i ain't dr ruth even though people mistake me for sometimes i think dr ruth would disagree i think she would say that was pretty hot you found that to be hot i mean i think everybody would find it somewhat arousing dude no

Dude, you need to get the Cracker Barrel, get one of the giant antique rusty saws, and slap it in your own face for about half an hour while you're eating cinnamon cobbler. Oh, my God. Let's go to Cracker Barrel after the spray tan. I can't go to Cracker Barrel after seeing your hairy ass crack. It sounds the same. But one of them tastes good and the other doesn't. You don't know how it tastes.

Okay, you got me. You got me. Cinnamon can fix anything, by the way. If I can fix Madonna with cinnamon, I can fix your giant mustard gas fucking bomb hole.

You know what I'd like to do is maybe get some beer batter. I don't often like to cannibalize people. Yeah. But I sort of got this feeling I want to roll you in beer batter like fish and chips.

And maybe eat you. I don't know if any of your other guests ever tossed that one around, but boy, oh, boy. I would be into it. I'd like to eat you. Okay. Okay. And then maybe put that tube in that guy's mouth.

You think I didn't catch that right? As soon as I said I want to eat you alive, you ended the show? Oh, no, I was just making sure that we... I caught it. I didn't mean it like that. It's interesting. No, I'd say I want to eat you, and then, oh, see Harlan here, and then, you know, hey, thanks.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's my... I'm sorry.

i don't party on fun street you'd have a better chance of the edmund fitzgerald floating back to the top of lake superior the chef coming out at 8 50 a.m saying fellas it's been good to know you and then i fuck off to the next dimension so i never have to look at your sugar daddy bumpy wump crumple cake fudgy stick eyebrows ever again And I mean that. Look. Who's that? Young Shine.

How do we go from talking about the stank on an arse? Yeah. To you wearing a sweater, party boy. Making sweaters. Okay, God. Those two things don't jive. They should. Does someone need to go to dialogue school over here? Yeah, maybe. Dude, that's like the Titanic hitting the Edmund Fitzgerald. And, you know, come on. I know, you're totally right.

I'm going to reach out to him. Lawsuit.

Well, you're not going to like this. I just looked at my schedule, buddy. I'm busy for the rest of my life.

Right through eternity and beyond. That's, come on, that's ridiculous. Dude. You can't be that busy. Look at my cosmos planner. Let's, no. Yeah, sorry.

I'm just getting it ready for when I... It's like action. Thanks for coming. Don't say that.

Yeah.

We were talking arseholes, and suddenly you're shearing sheep and putting on a sweater. I know. If you're not Richie Cunningham, I need you to slam the pie. And put an apple cobbler in your face. No, you're totally right. What are you doing to me here? Guy, it's either arse or sweater. Let's not bleed them together. Let's try. Okay, it's your show.

Your arse? arse hole yeah okay what's the question you remember the first time somebody just kind of jimmied the lock a little bit and you weren't ready how do you mean like just by accident or sexually or well i guess in either way i think it would have to be in all honesty when my mama when i was a little boy i was sick yeah she put a thermometer in there oh yeah is that locked into your memory

Now it is, thanks to you. Was it traumatic? I didn't want to ever remember it. But now, honestly, my legs are shaking, my heart's having a palpitation, and I'm picturing my mother behind bars. Because when I was a kid, I thought it was just natural. I didn't even have a cold.

Well, what really sucks is the week before... I had a real cold, and it was in my mouth. Yeah. I was like, dude.

I had a lot of kids in my family. Yeah.

But yeah, I think that was the only time I remember diddling.

I remember this as a little boy. Because you seem to have this fascination with arseholes. So I'm going to tell you as a little boy, I did have a moment where my neighbor, who was a girl, she came over to the house.

And my sisters were sort of goading me on, my two older sisters. Yeah. We're in my bedroom. They were there. I was there. My neighbor was there. This girl, like a year younger than me. I was probably 9 or 10 at this point. And I asked the girl, I said, do you want to play doctor? And she said yes. Yes. So she laid down. We went under my bed because I had a high wooden bed.

We went under my bed because that's where doctors go, I think.

So I told her, pull down your pants. And for some reason, I was one of those kids that collected all kinds of contraptions. So my room was full of weird stuff.

So anyways, my sisters were there. I had all this weird stuff in my room. I had a pencil and I had a really long test tube. Yeah. Like a really long glass test tube. And I had one of those bags that you put soccer balls in at a gym. Yeah. They've got little holes in them. It's like a big bag. It's like a garbage bag, but it's cloth and it has holes. For some reason, I had one of those. Yeah.

I told Laurie Jo, I said, do you want to play doctor? She said, yes. We went under the bed. My sisters were there giggling. I said, I don't want you to watch. So I put the soccer bag over both my sisters because they were younger, so it fit. Yeah. But it's full of holes so that they could see. And I said, let's go under the bed. I'm going to catch a fart.

So I put the pencil in her butt with the test tube over it. hoping she would fart and I would catch the fart in the test tube. And all I could hear were my sisters giggling under a soccer bag. Yeah. And I'm up to the bed being, I guess, a fart doctor.

No, I became proficient at being humiliated for the rest of my life because my sisters still bug me about it to this day.

Farts are hard to catch.

And you already had hair around the starfish?

Are you Greek?

Armenian?

Whoa.

You know it's pink, right? Yeah.

it's not white guy yeah and especially if you were slapping it around like a hostage in an iranian prison yeah you should have been a deep deep pink maybe even barney purple but they were like why isn't it darker i was like because i'm not what the fuck are you talking about like yeah anyway it didn't go where i want can we just reverse a little back to you spread eagling for your buddy and showing him your arse like oh peter yeah what how does that happen

Just dudes being dudes, man. Like, I remember going to my buddy's place. Hey, can I see your hockey cards? Hey, can I see your Hot Wheels? I never remembered saying, can you show me your one-eyed cyclops?

Okay.

That's what they're saying.

There's a term salmon trout because trout are freshwater and will sometimes be in the fords, but you're wrong.

Yeah. Because salmon or trout are different. Yeah.

It's probably a trout. If it's freshwater, it's a trout. Yeah, it's a salmon trout, which is a trout.

They're different. Same thing.

Restaurants are serving it. Salmon trout's actually more expensive. I don't think they're serving it as salmon, though.

Whitney. Hey, guys. Harland here. Congratulations on the 200th episode of We Might Be Drunk. It was a rack of my brain trying to figure out what kind of present to get you. But look at this. Oh, man. I got you a palm tree. Yeah. Beautiful palm. She's about 25 feet high. She gets ripe coconuts in the winter. And she smells like the back of a baby seal. Unbelievable. That's his house.

It's a difficult choice.

I hope you get to 201. Love you guys. Stay drunk. Stay funny. And stay the hell away from my wife. Freaks.