Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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What are the craziest stories shared in this episode?
I love that I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have.
Part of the idea of this podcast is how you can become successful as living as just a regular human. I went to culinary school and I only went for a few months and I dropped out.
What happened with the calamari ring?
Look at that, kids. You can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars.
I do what I can do so I can come back and do it all over again.
Not a damn chance. Not a damn chance.
If you see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps to get there.
I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower. You can all try and stop me. I hope you do.
Consistency was exactly what life was all about. Don't be genius here and wild there.
There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities. Messes become messages. I got shot in the face. Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I did put my head in a noose. You heard 300 people dying.
Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules, you're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong. I don't care what it takes. I'm doing this.
We have a phrase for that. It's called, not a damn chance.
What are the challenges of showing your hairy sphincter?
That's insane, dude. That's how you drink? Yeah. That's insane. I love it. He's loud, he's fat, and he's not here. Bert is on hiatus. He's in Istanbul doing a bit of a retreat, and sitting in for him is an absolutely hilarious comedian. You can see him on the road. You can get tickets right now at harlanwilliams.com. It's Harlan Williams, everybody. Buddy. It's good to see you, man.
You did it down here. I did it here. You went like this. You did like a breast salute.
Yeah, people have different... This is cultural.
I know, but dude, I was up here. I'm like, is that an insult? That's like putting the flag at half mass. It does feel almost like. You gave me a halfie, guy.
Sorry, man. I'll do it again.
And I can't do this because I don't have a chin. You can still do it. You can do it. Well, it kind of slides off and goes right up my face. Ow. Ow, did that hurt? Ow. Shit, okay. Like, I want to fangula you real bad. Do it. Like, to start the show, but all I'm going to do is hurt myself. Yeah. Oh, careful. Let's try this hand. Okay. Oh, shit. Are you okay? Dude, when's it my turn to fungula? You can do it whenever you want. I know, but I don't want to hurt my face. Just do the finger. One finger? Oh, one of these.
Yeah, the middle. Wow. Nobody really gets that from Harlan Williams, I bet.
Well, I don't like this because really the implication is it's like I'm supposed to be getting the better of this exchange, right? I'm the tough guy, but what am I really saying? Hey, you, I want to put my finger in your anus.
Is that what that means? Yeah, it's up yours. Oh, it's up your ass, yeah.
What did you think it was, up your raisin bread? No. Dude, it's up your calamari ring.
Yeah. Have you ever done that? What? Fingered someone's asshole?
No, but I fingered a calamari ring. It was at a Greek restaurant, Mr. Greek, down on Melrose the other night. Yeah. And they brought these delicious fried calamari rings. I thought they were deep fried assholes. Yeah, yeah. And I just grabbed on and it looked like the perfect fit and I put it on and it screamed. Yeah. I don't know if you ever had your food scream. No, so it was still alive. I don't know.
I don't know what an asshole does, but when you deep fry it... But you're not a big asshole guy in regular life?
What do you mean? That's a big question. Put it in context.
If you're going to throw the asshole at me, like a life ring... Their whole life revolves around their asshole and other people's. That's where their pleasure source is. Are you one of those guys?
Oh, you're talking pleasure.
Yeah, like fun.
i'm more like i like to go behind like a grassy knoll on a busy road and throw raw potatoes at old ladies driving by in cars they have to be raw like a like a picked potato i just love to throw it and hit like the side window while they're driving and they don't throw them off yeah what's your porn search like what do you like to look for i don't do that ever no how come that's for losers jesus you can't use your imagination
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What are the craziest stories shared in this episode?
0:00–0:16
2
What happened with the calamari ring?
0:16–1:17
3
What are the challenges of showing your hairy sphincter?
1:17–8:09
4
What does Harland think about dating Madonna?
8:09–18:14
5
How does Harland want to eat Tom?
18:14
6
What are the differences between Canada and Texas?
3:20–8:45
7
What are the funny moments involving arseholes?
8:45
8
What is the significance of the anthems in Canada and Texas?
5:18–1:16:15