Bill Maher
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Puerto Rican terrorists?
Holy shit. That's a story.
You mean now it is? Now. But it wasn't before? You're just saying it's worse.
It must be. People just getting fired. There's nothing more close to home than that. And he's tearing through the government and firing people.
So that's really what I was asking is like, what is, I mean, do you see that in Starbucks?
You don't remember it? Produced by Harvey Weinstein.
But it's pre, I mean, it's the old.
Funny, he also was a liberal hero. Yeah. Not that I'm a. conservative hero now. Yes. And he fully went all the other way.
As Joe Rogan used to also be quite liberal.
But the Elon piece is from what, 27?
Go ahead, Maureen. Yeah. Keep liking it. Hello.
Yeah, and he did the Tesla, you know, I mean, there was lots, you know. Right.
And I remember when it wasn't that long ago when he was just posting things before he owned Twitter that were fairly benign and similar to the way I thought were. I remember once he put like a graph of like, here I am, and here's where, you know, the common sense used to be, the middle, and here's how it's moved. And, you know, he had the left abandoning it, which it has in many ways.
So he sees himself as in the middle while the shift has happened. I see that too, but I didn't go all the way. Yeah, he's gone.
Even if you were going to metaphorically demolish a building, say a building does need to be demolished, wouldn't you go in first and take out whatever is valuable?
Who's around the corner? How are you? Good. You know, you have a little cold.
But they just show up.
Sounds vague. Was it a game show?
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And you still showed up.
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Well, I love people who keep a booking.
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Well, let's not start fighting about that right away. Let's wait 10 minutes before we get into it. You look fantastic. I don't know what you're doing to get through this cold. What are you doing to get through a cold?
Whether you're bundling up for the cold or getting ready for spring, level up your style with clothes that actually fit right. Just go to my exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash random to save. That's trueclassic.com slash random. Shop now and elevate your wardrobe today. Well, the thing I worry about the most, which now will probably get us on what we're going to argue about health-wise, is...
During, well, before COVID, we had a little group in China, a little group of like eight scientists and doctors who were supposed to monitor if anything was brewing over there. I forget what it was called. It was like a five-word name, a very long, the biomedical committee, whatever it was. It was just—it cost three cents, basically.
And he got rid of that. Right. And I don't feel like he's ever confronted with that enough. And now that's what they're doing all over the world. Right. And diseases start in other countries, and then they come here. How can these people who are—some of them are not— stupid at all. How can they not see that that's the smart thing to do? And that if another virus comes here, it could be worse.
So are people in Washington, how do you see it? Like when you go out drinking more, are the cars crashing off the side? Like I want to know how you actually, what you actually.
Just like in a movie where the car is starting to driving off the road and people are just, there are guys running out, he's on fire.
Yeah. Well, you know, on the disease thing, I got to say, When I read the byline in your paper about these news stories, I can't help but remember that this is the person who said that any even hint that COVID could have escaped from a lab was racist.
So you can't really blame me. And maybe she's your friend. I'm sorry if she works across the cubicle or whatever. But you can't blame me for being skeptical. I don't blame you. OK. I don't. Thank you. Go ahead. Okay. All right. No, I'm glad because I know you and I have slightly different views. I know RFK is easy to, I said last week, he's like having a bipolar girlfriend.
You know, sometimes he says crazy shit and you just, you know, he's the girl you're sorry you started to talk to at the party.
You know. But just from what I basically know, I mean, we used to treat natural immunity as a little more valuable than we do now. I'm not saying this is the pharmaceutical industry taking over America entirely. I'm not a conspiracy theorist like that. But like any industry, they're very influential. And the solution always seems to be more of what they're selling.
And this is the first one, COVID, I recall, where we really didn't count natural immunity at all. Even if you had it, which is really usually the best kind, you still had to get the vaccine. That seems strange. And they fired medical workers who wouldn't do that.
Man, you're a trooper. I mean, you go places in the world. I mean, I wouldn't go in the world. I don't.
And I wore them here. We shot this show. I did the monologue there. We did the interviews right here. I did the editorial outside in the backyard. We did it once in the rain. I will treasure that moment. I did a monologue holding an umbrella.
I mean. You got through it. You know, it was terrible. I know, it was terrible. You know what was the terrible part is I would do the show, the show. Yeah, okay, it was still the show. We kept it pretty much like it was. We had a laugh track for the, you know, we tried that. We had old footage of people laughing from other errors. It was funny. People thought it was a good bit.
Yeah, we got through it, but after we finished the taping, I would walk out that door and I'd walk the 50 feet to my house and I'd just be silently all alone again. And that's, you can't come down from a show like that.
I know. You get keyed up and you just, it was like, it reminded me of the first time I took mushrooms and when the mushrooms wore off. when they had eaten all my serotonin, and I was just like... Yeah, yeah.
Do you go into the office every day?
But really, why would you need in your job to go into an office?
I'm done. I did it. Done. Not like you did.
So you like to hear the clacking of the other.
Oh, most of them.
Well, I think when historians write of this era, they will say that the great divide was no longer the things that we obsess over. It wasn't economic, although these divides all exist. It wasn't racial. That certainly exists. It was virtual versus not real. Like there is somewhere in the chart of ages and generations a place where people like you and I have so little experience.
No, he was in Europe recently because he officiated Ari Emanuel's wedding in Italy.
So little in common with someone who lives on the phone.
I was watching, re-watching. You know, I watch things in the bathtub. I watch things in the kitchen. You know, the news is too different.
I got a TV in my drawers. I got a TV everywhere. I love TV. But yes, in the bathtub, I watch movies. And I was watching one from, I think it was from 2011, called Crazy Stupid Love. Not a genius movie, but not bad.
Yeah, it's fun. Ryan Gosling.
Yeah, Emma Stone and Steve Carell.
I'm not up to that part. There was a part where he takes his shirt off, and of course you remember that.
Yeah. I think he married them. Oh, my gosh. I didn't know that. Well, anyone can do a wedding, you know.
No, no. No, no, I've seen it before. Yeah, it's fun. I'm just saying, I'm watching this, and it takes... Okay, so here's my review or recap. Okay, I'm not going to ruin it. It's fucking 15 years old. If you haven't seen it, you didn't miss the great... It's on Citizen Kane, but it's cute. Okay, so most of it takes place in a bar.
Steve Carell is married to Julianne Moore, and in the first scene, she wants a divorce. Okay, and so he's like this, you know... schlubby guy who's out there now single. So he goes to this singles bar. This is why I'm telling this story because the singles bar, and I'm thinking this is 2011. And this is like, it could be from the 1300s.
This is so out of date that people go to a, that's the main set. He goes to a single bar where, where Ryan Gosling every night is scoring with hot chicks while who go to singles bar to be chatted up by guys who have lines. And it's like, okay, first of all, today, guys can't even talk to girls. So that's not going to happen. They'd all be on their phones.
Women are afraid of places like that because they get roofied by the incels. Again, this is only 2011. And already, this is, again, to somebody who's just starting out going, you know, in their dating life, 18, 19, 17, whatever it is.
Why don't you just have something in the barn where we're sitting on barrels and churning butter before we meet somebody. And that's the dividing line, I think.
Even texting sometimes is too much. It's a challenge. Yeah, right. Which is amazing. And the idea of actually confronting somebody and saying, this is just not working out.
So I'm not going to pass you this joint because, you know, you have a cold. And we also know that you once had a very bad experience with marijuana.
That would just never... In fact, even putting it in text... They just go.
Yes, but I found one who isn't. But man, you have to catch a lot of computers. But I mean, it's... Yeah, that to me is going to be... And already people are identifying this, but I don't think they know how much, like you say, cyborgs... I was watching the Taylor Swift Endless concert. It's taken months to get through that. Nikki Glaser made me do it.
She said, okay, I've talked about Taylor Swift. She's fun. I like her. She's a sweet person. I don't get the music. Enough said. But like everybody... When they cut to the audience, all you see are phones. No one is experiencing this through their eyes. Right. They have to put this artificial filter that somehow makes it better. And they're also recording it.
Even the TV is not real. No. I mean, it's real, but you know what I mean. No, I know. It's not like Lincoln. Yeah. Oh, there's Lincoln. That's the motherfucker himself right there.
I don't know what my World War II parents did. would say if they just suddenly ripped Van Winkle back to life. And I just can't imagine what they would think of anything. I mean, they were lifelong liberal Democrats. They put that in me, and I think I basically kept the faith, although I won't go to stupid Woketown with you. But I don't know. I don't think they would either. I don't know.
My father was as Irish-y, Democrat, loved Kennedy and Pope John. Mine too. As you get.
I cannot 100% predict that he wouldn't be a Trumper.
I forget because I'm a pothead.
He talks to anybody.
If Trump and Obama were sitting here right now, they wouldn't agree on a lot. But you know what they would both say? Boy, that Maureen Dodd was hard on me.
Confirm or deny?
Right, you ate it.
That's a great title.
There's the title. So next time the title thing comes up and you email about the title, I'll forget this because I'm bought it. So you'll remember. I'm remembering. Yeah. So I have become, partly because of some things I've been reading in your columns because you love to reference them, A big, like, classic movie fan lately.
Yeah, I never did it. There were a lot of ones I had missed. I never, I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's. And I know you and I have talked about horrors in movies.
Oh, I thought that was... It's so funny because when I was at Columbia... Of course you're having a moment.
Can't say whore.
So your degree is from Columbia?
So when you go to Columbia, do they give you the kefaya when you first get there, or is it when you go on the...
Because invitada is the only global solution, Maureen.
Phil, listen to yourself.
He's a businessman.
Well, but prostitute is a word, if you look it up in the dictionary, the first definition doesn't mention sex. It just says it's doing something you hate for money.
And you can prostitute yourself. Politicians who are prostitutes. But in Breakfast at Tiffany's, No, he's a man whore. He's got this lady who you see in a few scenes, and she writes him shit.
Takes care of him.
Whatever it is, he's a writer who's not selling anything, and he gets by. Yeah. But that's what I never, I always heard, oh, it's Audrey Hepburn. She's a hooker. And it's like, oh, wow.
No, no, no, no, no. Whitewashed is not what they did. The times were just so different. Here's what it is. She goes out with gentlemen. Of course, this is a chaste era where you don't ever see any sex. She goes out with gentlemen who give her $50, which... To go to the ladies' room. To go to the washroom, yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, $50 in 61 was what, $1,000? Yeah.
We might go to the washroom broke, but you're coming back ready for action.
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So I'm telling you, that's their way of saying she's a hooker.
Oh, I did a triptych of the Double Indemnity. I'd never seen that.
You're talking about Barbara Stanwyck?
I guess for the era. I mean, in the first scene where he sees her, I mean, she's got an ankle bracelet, which... apparently gives him wood like you can't believe. And he's like, but it's so funny. Again, the sensibilities of different eras. This is like I think about the phones and like we're of different species from 2011, but from 1944 or whatever that movie was. I mean, okay, he meets her.
The first scene, she's married. This is the old one about The femme fatale who gets some stupid schlub to kill her husband for her. Right? That's that. It's always a sap. And then I watched two other movies with the same plot. Body Heat.
Right. And then I watched one that came out just a couple of years ago called Careful What You Wish For. Nick Jonas is the sap. Right.
Is that the same plot?
There's a lot of snappy dialogue and double indemnity, but of course, it does, I mean, it makes so little sense unless you lived in that era and you understood that Things were so chased on the surface, at least in media, that you just had to indicate things. So he meets her for five minutes in the first scene. He's an insurance guy. He goes to the house. She's married. The husband's not there.
And he immediately is hitting on her. Okay, nice ankle bracelet, baby. So there's an attraction. We see that. Then he goes back a second time and kind of gets it that she wants him to kill her husband. Yeah. So he's like, I'm not the sap who's going to do that. Get another sap in here. I'm not a sap. Right. So goes to his apartment. Of course, that night, a knock on the door. It's her.
By the end of that scene, they're kissing and saying, I love you.
It's like it just they're not.
They're just not concerned with realism the way later decades were. Thank God. That's what I love about that. I can't pass that.
It's just so stupid.
Okay, so that's that one.
Okay, so Body Heat is 40 years later and much better and hot. I mean, wow, I forgot how much, like, nudity and like, it's like, like grabbing his Johnson on screen. It's for the early eighties. It was, you know, ahead of its time. I think maybe that's why it was such a big hit because that probably was taking it to another level, but it's the same thing. It takes place in Florida. It's super hot.
The heat is like a character in the movie. They're always sweating completely. So he's this guy, he's a lawyer, but he's not doing great. He's kind of a down on his luck, but, you know, hot, you know, gets laid a lot. And she's the lady who wants to kill her husband, who in this one isn't bad. In Double Indemnity, the husband's mean. This one, he's just kind of like, it's Richard Crenna.
It is a little lady, Macbeth. But she stayed with Macbeth, right?
Or she would have. Because these ladies just want to kill two birds with one stone. They want to get rid of the husband and then get his money.
And cut out the sap who helped them.
Oh, really? Yeah. I'll think of some more for you. So body heat is much better and hotter.
Yes. I didn't quite understand that. Like the little girl witnessed him. He comes over one night. He's been fucking the lady who wants to kill her husband, Catherine Turner. And he sees a woman standing there who looks just like her from behind. And because they've been fucking, he says, hey, lady, you want to fuck? And she turns around, and it's not Kathleen Turner.
Yeah. That's really kind of a cool feather in your cap.
It's her friend who looks just like her, who we find out. I won't ruin the plot at the end, but that's very important to the plot. And he's embarrassed, but now somebody else knows about them.
And then the little girl who's her daughter, she sees Kathleen Turner blowing him.
They were joking about that. It's Ted Danson, by the way, who plays the friend.
It's kind of like I have framed the flyer that the Westboro Baptist Church handed out. Remember them?
Oh. Yeah, I'm not good at doing that. I do really... That's one thing I've always needed a girlfriend for. When I haven't had a girlfriend, I just don't understand what we... I watch them, but I'm always the guy going, is that the same guy who was in the other? Okay.
Saving Private Ryan.
You know what? You could test me on almost any other year, and I wouldn't know what the movies were. That year I remember vividly because I was so bitter.
You liked Shakespeare a lot more than... I loved it.
Because you're a Shakespeare freak.
Well... I mean, yeah. Maybe this has to do with the fact that my parents were in World War II, met there.
No, I'm past 61.
God hates fags, people.
There is not time. But that's okay. I find that liberating.
Yeah. Okay. So, like, my father had died, I don't know, a few years before this. Now... To say I was a puddle who couldn't get out of... How old were you then? When he died? When he died, yeah. Oh, I was in my 30s. Oh. You know, I was not a... Yeah. But, you know, I mean, we all got to go sometime. I'm just saying that, you know, you don't process something always right away, and in that movie...
It's one of my prized possessions.
Well, first of all, I love World War II movies and I love Spielberg and it is just an amazing movie. But it starts with Private Ryan as present day. It's the 90s. Right. And, of course, he looks just like my father. Like men look like that. With the same exact kind of bad shirt my father would wear.
So already I'm like... I don't know what the word, you know, spilkus is one of those Jewish words that means you have an upset stomach.
And then the movie, and then it reverts back at the end. And so, like, I think I stayed in, I think it took me like 20 minutes before I could leave the theater.
I know. I was so, yeah, and I was like on a first date or something. Oh, my gosh. So how did that go over? How did that go over? Well, she must have loved that, right? It took a date everywhere.
I don't remember because, I mean, she wasn't bad about it.
He's indecisive, which gives women the ick.
Was it a good movie?
Produced by Harvey Weinstein.
But go ahead, Maureen. Yeah. Keep liking it.
First you tell us you're a drug addict. Yeah. Now you're supporting rapists.
She's probably the only girl he didn't try to fuck. That's why she's... Got his name tattooed on her ass.
Oh, in the book. Yeah, yeah.
Did you break that? Was that where that.
Well, I remember it vividly. Yeah. Well, it was one of the more jarring ones. I mean, that's like a reporter's dream that when you get somebody to open up about.
Yes. I mean, I'm sure everybody could be more careful. On the other hand, he didn't cut off anybody's head with a helicopter. Remember that guy?
I mean, I'm just saying. Movie sets are dangerous places. It's all relative. I mean, they really are.
I mean, you know, Tom Cruise.
Exactly. Yeah, you're right.
Well, let's see. I did my first Tonight Show in August of 82, and it went well, so they asked me back in November, and then I did it New Year's Eve. This was a big feather in my cap. Going into 1983, my third Tonight Show.
It felt like time to move to California. That's what I did. I used their ticket because they would, you know, you had to pay. And it was first class because that was the union. Thank you, union. Got that first. I would trade it in as we all did back then. And it was like $1,800. I'd fly coach for $200 and make $1,600 on the ticket, which was four times what I made for the show.
So I was like, oh, I'm moving to California. And I put three suitcases together and I moved to California. And that night, Joel Schumacher was watching The Tonight Show and cast me in DC Cab.
I've always thought it was a horrible movie, but people still like it.
It was set in D.C. I was there for six weeks.
In a hotel room with Gary Busey. You try that. Oh, my God. You'd think you were in trouble with the pot. Um, I kid Gary, but, uh, he is crazy, but yeah, I mean, it was, it was fun. I mean, to be in a 27 years old and in a movie and, you know, so that was my first movie that I did, you know, the classic, uh, cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death. Which actually is a funny movie.
Well, first of all, don't eat it. Yeah. Unless you can get it. I mean, there are people who do. I don't want to tell everybody how to do their own thing. But for me, eating it was always problematic. I wanted to eat it because it's better for you, I think. You don't have to put smoke in your lung. But it's just too much of a commitment. And you know how I feel about commitment. Yeah. But it is.
Pizza Man, same director. What was the plot of Pizza Man? It's 1990, but Donald Trump is in the movie as a lookalike. And yet he's like the punchline to the whole thing. It's about a cab driver who's just trying to collect his $15 bill. And it takes them on. It's a film noir. You should see it. It's a film noir.
Good luck getting it.
Oh, you're a bogey. I'm the hard-boiled detective. Oh.
When was the last time you talked to him, interviewed him, saw him?
Oh, my God. It's like a priest saying three Hail Marys and two Our Fathers. Yes. Which I often had to do. Your penance was two tweets in a column.
Everything is so transactional. Yes. But I'm curious, what kind of dinner party is there in D.C. where you find yourself with the Kushners?
But can you be in the same room with the enemy? I mean, I can. I can. pride myself on, don't fucking tell me who I can hang out with.
You know, if I want to take Ann Coulter to the opera, I will, you asshole.
And I think we need more of that, not less of that. But, you know, you just don't see that. You know, that... The Kennedy Center, which I'm sure is close to where you live.
Okay. I get how awful it is, what Trump is doing to it, because it is an art center. But you know what? I know where that comes from. Now, maybe I'm wrong about this, because I'm only getting it from watching the TV show, which I've watched every year, where they give away five Kennedy Center honors to great artists.
It's a giant commitment. Sometimes a terrible commitment. And it's like an acid trip sometimes. That's what happened to you.
people of the arts, and it's always a big movie star and somebody else you know, and then an opera singer and some dancer and, you know, like culture vultures know, but I don't. So you skip through those and then you get to, and this year it was The Grateful Dead and Francis Ford Coppola. Okay. I didn't see, again, maybe I'm wrong,
But watching it, I did not see one face on that screen, either in the audience, and there are a lot of audience shots where you see, you know, and of course, it's a very uptight audience. I would hate to have to, like, you know, there's always that announcer and, you know, here to present, you know, and, you know. please welcome Morgan Freeman. And then he comes out and they do a tribute.
It's very polite and you really wouldn't want to be edgy. I would be like the totally wrong person to be in this room under any capacity and I'm sure I never will. Okay. But I did not see one face either on the stage or in the audience shots that looked like they might've voted for Trump. And I just thought, You know, invite Ted Cruz. Would it kill you? Don't you think he likes the Godfather too?
Right. Don't you think somebody in the Senate is a Grateful Dead fan? Right. Who's a Republican? You know, you just lost an election. Right. Maybe now's the time to reach out a little. I didn't vote for them either. But would that kill? So I get it a little bit when they get into office and they go, you know what assholes who stuffed our heads in the locker?
Here's what you get now.
You know the movie is like a joke of all time, right? Yeah. Okay.
It is so human. Yeah. And not only less afraid, but yeah, less afraid because what we always fear about politicians is that they're not telling us something. They're just not to be trusted.
Spin. What does spin mean? It means like there are people in this world who when you talk to them, like when I talk to you, I know I'm getting the complete unvarnished truth. Right. And then there are people in this world who when you talk to them, you never feel that. Right.
You can't put your finger on it maybe, but you just feel something is being elided or it's being exaggerated or it's being spun, but it's just not the complete truth. Right. And here's a guy who, I mean, as he sees the truth, it isn't often unvarnished. Well, it's a mix of lies and truth. Well, it's his impression of the truth. If he doesn't like Zelensky, his approval rating is 4%.
But it's really 57%. Okay. Right. But, you know, impressionistically, poetically, it's 4%. Right. And his fans accept that. But not just that. It's like... Can we trust this guy? Well, he just voices his interior monologue. The thing that we're all, we all edit. No one just says what's in their head except him. So you could, like, if he is thinking homoerotically,
Arnold Palmer's cock? You know, he'll just, that'll dominate the news for a week?
You've got to put up with a lot, and they do. They're like that celebrity spouse who always has to act humble on the red carpet. She puts up with me. Shut up. You're George Clooney. It's fine. I'm sure she's fine. You don't seem like that much of a nightmare.
Well, I, I, you know, It's funny that you really have to reiterate over and over again where you are because the side, each side wants to only like pick the things that they agree with and then pretend that the other side of you doesn't exist, but it does exist and I have to always say it. But my big problem with liberals is that they basically, I mean, liberals is one thing, but woke, okay.
They basically forgot and don't defend and don't want to defend what liberalism is. I mean, all the things that I think make us great, like personal individual liberty, rule of law. Right. You know, what we would call Western values, scientific inquiry, human rights, women's rights, gay rights. Right.
freedom of speech, trial by jury, all these things that were, I'm sorry, invented in Athens and Rome and Paris and London and Philadelphia. I guess they're bad because they came from white people. I don't know. But they want to turn their back on this. That's Western civilization. That guy that they just threw out of the country, and I... I'm against it because he didn't break any laws.
It's just a freedom of speech thing. I defended him even though he's a dirtbag who I hate. But his slogan was they want to tear down Western civilization. I mean, saying it out loud, the out loud part, tear down. Well, Western civilization, I think, is a good thing. And basically, that's where the liberals lost me and lost their way.
They forgot about Western civilization because woke is all about identity and not about ideas.
No. You think we're over that era? Do you think that?
Right. But no, the woke are not giving up on that. I mean, we saw it with the seven dwarves movie just came out.
And there are no dwarves.
They fought about the dwarves. It's so funny. This is, again, one of my big problems with progressives. They're so stupid so often about things that they find their way back to something that's very unprogressive. Like you think getting jobs for people, very progressive. Not if you're a dwarf.
It's like there are dwarves out there who wanted to play these parts who couldn't because it was somehow politically incorrect to portray dwarves as, I don't know, miners who know Snow White.
crazy character that somebody invented for children and you're and you're arguing about whether it's right if the real dwarves play dwarves there are dwarves in the world and there are jobs for them that you lost right on there and then snow white uh loves palestine like i wasn't going to see this movie anyway but you know that people who get their news from tiktok Just please, shut the fuck up.
Somebody once wrote, the politics of purity makes people stupid and mean.
It was you, fool.
Scared of what?
I could say the same about you.
But mine will happen on Sunday.
The last person in the world I would ever want to eviscerate. Really, it's you. That's how I feel about you, too. I know. So why are we scared? I don't know.
But we basically agree.
We basically agree. I've had like three. We basically agree. I mean, honestly, I wish you would write more. I wish you would turn your poison pen more on the woke. Because when you do it, it's great. I understand why there's so much more on the right. And look, you know, I've been...
Of course. They never left it. They canceled Colin Kaepernick. Oh, yeah. Nothing more quicker or cancellier than that. Right, right. Oh, they're total babies. There's total snowflakes about. I mean, please. Yeah. Except for one guy. The one guy who can get away with any insult, and they all come running back as Trump. I mean, everybody who works for him, little Marco. Steve Bannon.
Really? Yeah. I had Ted Cruz on and like everything I ever read was like the most disliked guy ever. Right. like just this cyborg who was like programmed to be president when he was three years old and has never faltered. And I don't doubt he wants to be president. When he was on the show, I just did not meet that guy. Matt Gaetz sat there. I did not meet a monster. That's my line now.
Everyone's a monster until you talk to them. I mean, I disagree with a lot of stuff and there's some real deal breakers in there, but I mean, Ted Cruz, he had a sense of humor. So you must have had more encounters with him than I do. And I have heard that people even in the Senate, even his own party, really don't like him. I just couldn't find why.
Yeah. I mean, I was at a big party the other night, Michael Kivas's, no secret, it was in the paper, 44th birthday party, and Bill and Hillary were there, and Oprah, and, you know, a lot. I mean, Michael Kivas is the most connected guy in the world, and he knows everybody, and, you know, David Geffen, and, you know, lots of billionaires. And Bezos.
And, like, in the past, Elon would have been there, too. I met Elon a number of times at Kivas' house. Right.
Pleasure? Yeah. I mean, this is before he went full on.
Yeah. He was talking about how we need to be on our guard against AI.
Before I was even on my radar.
Yes. When many other people were saying, you're crazy, what is this?
I've done a number of things on how silly it is to go to Mars. I'll never... understand that or his population thing. But the Mars thing, I mean, I always thought Elon would be the one to save us from global warming because we have to, we plainly have to invent our way out of it. But now I don't think we will because he doesn't give a shit about Earth. He wants to go to Mars.
Well, of course, that certainly is, that's the low-hanging fruit that they could do. And I own a pot store with Woody Harrelson.
He treats planets the way he does baby mamas. Next. You know?
But I can't, like, in times past, he might have been at this party.
No, he's in Washington. He was, you know. I don't know if he was invited. I don't know if that is just a deal.
I know he's busy. Busy destroying the government. I'm just saying, I don't know if he could be in that room. And it wasn't all, it wasn't all, Michael Kivas has friends on both sides. It wasn't all just liberals, but you know, it's, he worked for Hillary Clinton and they're very, he's very close to the Clinton.
So yes, I mean, mostly, but you know, I mean, he has friends, a lot of billionaires friends and billionaires are very often Republicans and But could Elon Musk be there now and not feel unwelcome?
The woods, it's fantastic. Everyone. It's amazing.
And maybe that's on him.
No. So how does that end?
I mean, do you think... I think we have to have the scene at the end of the movie where the Statue of Liberty's arm is just sticking out of the sand.
Where I don't think it gets better before it completely crashes. I know that sounds pessimistic. But do you think... But I don't know how to get back because the hatred is so deep.
I don't think George Clooney really suggests a regular guy, working class guy.
Oh, yeah. I saw this thing. They're going to lose. California, New York, Illinois are all losing seats because people vote with their feet. Right. And they're going to Texas, Florida, Utah, all red states, some other state, Arizona maybe. or something. But yeah, and this is just because we're overtaxed, we're overregulated, we can't afford a house here.
And if that trend keeps going, even this many seats lost, is, you know, the House is very often 218 to 216, something like that. Okay, we're talking about six or eight seats that are definitely going to be red now. You're going to have to do something drastic.
Especially now. I always thought he was the guy because he's great at being a politician, looks great. You know, just gift of gab. Right. And also very smart. You know, has the facts in his head. He doesn't have to look up something. He does the work.
Yeah. But you know, CNN, I was going to say it's a conservative organization, but they're not that conservative. I'm on there now. When I, when they asked me to, would you like to be, I was like, yeah, be honored CNN. Are you kidding? But what are you going to do about all the fucks? We don't care. You don't care. Yeah. CNN doesn't care about fuck. Yeah. Wow. Things have changed.
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Yes. And now, I mean, you saw this. He name-checked me saying I'm doing a podcast and I want to do like Bill does. We'll talk to both sides, not be ideologically captured necessarily by the left. Well, this is a big change. He's on the show next week.
He's top of the show on the 28th. Yeah. Yeah.
They should. I think it's a negative. I don't think it's far from working. I think it turns people off, turns me off a lot of the times. Like Rachel Zegler, not going to vote for her.
I said this last week about Gavin. Like, the same things they say about him, they said about Clinton. He's too slick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so slick, he wins.
You know, I see your paper, like, already tried to shit on him for this, and I'm like, you know, you know what you call a Democrat who infuriates the New York Times? Electable.
Yes. And he has the credibility. He has a kind of like, I did my time in the liberal trenches, mayor of San Francisco and all that. And it's like, if you can't understand about moving to the center and saving the party, yes, there will be so much carping about it. But that's the other reason why I think he'd be good, because I think he'll take it. He's not a bitch.
Well, I say Fetterman. I love that he just says that he is Trump-esque in a number of ways, minus the things I don't like about Trump. I mean, he seems like just a regular guy. He doesn't give a shit what he says. He's got a brand. I mean, he's just – he definitely has – I mean, that was my joke about it. It was like if he ran with Pete Buttigieg, disability plus gay equals one person of color.
You could get away with it, the Democratic Party.
Yeah, he truthed it.
I feel like the Republican Party. I mean, apropos of what you said before about, you know, the Democrats no fun anymore. I feel like all the ladies who, you know, like I'm not saying you really want to have relations with anyone in Congress or a politician at all. But if you were bent that way, I mean, the ones who like, you know, Eric Idle is going, yeah, she's a goer. Yeah. She's a goa.
When I first went on The Tonight Show, you couldn't say ass.
She goes, right, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. She goes. I mean, they're all in the Republican Party. I'm not saying they're doing anything. So who is yours? Well, the Kristi Noem's.
They all just seem, you know, is she a goa?
Yeah, they have, whereas like AOC... You know, she's attractive, but you just, oh, my God. You know, you just wouldn't, I wouldn't want to be on a date with her. I know she's married, and I'm not asking. I think she is married, yeah. No, I think she is.
Well, you think he did it?
No. In fact, Chico just lost his other eye when you said that. Yeah, exactly. No. But you know what I mean about the Republican, I mean, they just... Well, Democrats kind of lost sex appeal too, I think.
He's a looser guy. He is. He's a great guy.
Yeah. I mean, it's true. Maybe too sexy sometimes. When I used to do jokes about, you know, where the punchline was something, something, stick up your ass.
It was about Jerry Falwell.
You know, and now it's about the kind of prigs who are always... up my ass.
So do you watch or listen to Two Angry Men, Harvey Levin's podcast about lawyers?
Yeah. No, he's a guy from Jersey.
Oh, it's him and Garagos. What's his name? I forget.
Because I'm watching this Trump thing. I'm thinking, like, I mean, this is, I love this podcast because, like, it's not just the bullshit people or whatever their opinion. It's, like, what the lawyers say.
Because, like, I'm watching this thing going on between Trump now and the judges.
And, you know, do I want Venezuelan gangs out of the country? Yes. I mean, it's always my fucking dilemma. But that's like— Like living in this America.
I know. Yeah. So, like, I'm bringing the lawyer show up because, like, I've said this for years, like, Everybody talks about the law. The law is whatever they say it is at any given moment. That's why when you see a lawyer, he's always in a room with a giant wall of law books behind him. Somewhere. One of those fucking books is something that will justify what I want to do anyway.
Not Jersey, but near.
So Trump is just like cutting out the middleman.
Ashley Judd. I bet you I have. What's the plot? Who else is in it?
Yeah, I have seen it.
Yeah, I just had lunch with him.
I feel like it was a ripoff of Sharky's Machine. Do you remember that movie?
Burt Reynolds. Yeah, yeah. He's a cop. He's got to surveil this woman and then falls in love with her. Isn't that the basic thing?
Yeah. By the way, if it's not Burt Reynolds, it's a stalker. Yeah. It's creepy. Even if he's a cop, you don't want to think about it.
But if he's a cute guy.
I mean, you wrote that in the Why Men Are Necessary book.
Wow. That's interesting.
We are. We are. Not just for procreation. Yes. I mean, Orwell had that quote, something like, most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night, knowing other men do violence in their stead.
What? You're showing me something. Before that, you thought I was an idiot?
But it's true. I mean, we live cushy lives. And it's another thing that the kids really piss me off about. They have no perspective on how good they have it. They somehow think they live in the worst time ever. And they're so burdened by so many things. And some of them are just... Did you see the woman from Love is Blind who jolted her husband? No? Okay. I don't watch any of them.
It's like if I had to take another thing out of my house besides the West Baptist Church flyer saying that I am Satan and I'm praying to Obama like this and he's got devil horns. which is awesome. I would save this. You got me this when my book came out last year and you interviewed me and Chico photobombed. If you're not watching this, if you're listening, Chico photobombed the picture.
Oh, I don't watch. Oh. Are you crazy? But I read about it.
Okay, so it's Love is Blind. Yeah. It's some, you know... Are they on an island?
No, they're... I guess they're... blind dates and then they're going to get married. I don't know. It's one of those. Anyway, she's at the altar. She's about to marry this guy. And at the last minute says, can't do it. Why? Because she found out that he didn't really think that much about Black Lives Matter. Not that he said anything terrible. She asked him about it and he was like, I don't know.
I haven't read that much about it.
And I just have this one question for her, which is, like, what have you actually done? Do you think that you're coming up short husband to be, or you just publicly... What do you think you've done to actually improve whatever the situation racially you're upset about? And I don't think she can answer that question.
You mean got the ick?
That's a really interesting question because it's so easy and so common for guys to give women the ick.
Guys who want to get laid, it's so hard to give us the ick. I used to do a joke about that. When I was in my 20s, she could say anything. She could say, I'm a Nazi. And I'd be like, were you always interested in Germany? Or was it more of a political? Nothing would deter us. So the older you get, one of the nice things is, yeah, you become more of a human being.
You're less horny, so you can be more discriminating. And yes, it's very easy to give me the ick now.
And did it work?
Onophile. I know that word from the New York Times crossword puzzle. I've got to give them credit for that. They need O-E-N-O, or letters that you really need when you're doing a puzzle.
I remember sometimes watching my mother do the time Sunday puzzle with my father. And she'd say, they need the lettuce. It's true. Sometimes you just need the lettuce. I mean, remember trying to write a crossword? It's not easy. They need the lettuce.
But I tell you, of all the decisions, I've made so many bad ones and so many stupid things. But never getting married, priceless.
I'm in the background, which is perfect because when you're older, it's a great place to be. But Chico with his one fucking eye. I love that picture. I do too. It is my prized possession. First of all, the book is fantastic. I I very often get too stoned. I'm not going to do that today, not to you, not to the awesome Maureen Dowd, who's been so good to me.
I mean, you're one of the few people like me and Oprah and the Pope who have never gotten married.
You would. I'm sure you'd be good at anything. Well, thank you. But, you know, I mean, the sacrifices just seem... It's very hard to, like, make... your life and another life, when you think about how hard it is just to get your life each day, to now it's like two dragonflies who have to fly in tandem every, you ever see them fly? And everywhere they go, they're in tandem.
If you get out of tandem, then fighting and, you know, gunny-sacking grievances that build up over the years. I mean, that's always what deterred me, was that it just, how do you avoid that?
The modern rich people have solved that problem by building houses that take up a whole block. And then you can officially live in the same house, but you're really living down the block.
He likes, he likes. It's funny you mention him because I just saw him. I never met him. I think I did meet him. But I saw him a couple of nights because it was just Oscar weekend.
And the Vanity Fair party and the party probably Friday night. The agency parties, the WMECAA parties. And I'd only seen him in the movies. Yes. Where he very often plays a very serious character. Yes. A very serious actor.
And boy, not that guy out at a party. No. No. You know, he's always had a big smile on his face. And he's a goer.
He is a goer. He is a goer.
That's a superpower. Yeah. No, he's a goer.
Let's get over him right now.
I read Notorious, it's called, and it's a collection of all your pieces, your profiles of not just people in show business, but whoever's a big mocker. I mean, I love the ones you do about fashion. I love the ones you do about Tech Titans, that's a big thing. But anybody who's in the culture like that on that level. And some of these, I mean, I remember all of them.
Well, I could talk to you all night, but I have to pee.
I could lie and do a smooth exit, but that's really what it is.
Two hours with you goes by like that.
Thank you so much. I'll probably be in D.C. shortly, so if you'd like to have lunch, I will be around.
I'd love to go to one of those power restaurants where they
And I have a very, shall we say, selective memory. But some of them came back like from the 90s. Like Al Pacino. Some of them are from like early 90s. When you and I were both first kind of, when did you get your column in? I mean, I remember the 88 election when you covered Bush.
95 is when your column started. Okay, so Politically Incorrect started in 93. Right.
Here's the arc of my career. You could see it through that lens of Islam because I was a big hero to the left after 9-11 because six days after the attack, we did our first show and somebody said, Dinesh D'Souza said, you know, the people who attacked, they were not cowards. And I wholeheartedly agreed and still do. You can be evil and not be a coward. I mean, they stuck with the suicide mission.
No, I've heard some of them on the plane didn't know it was a suicide mission. And they were like, wait, what kind of a mission?
But they did it. And I think they probably did know. So I was a big hero to the left because I said, you know, terrorists aren't necessarily terrorists, which was true. And then I became a big enemy of the left because I kept saying true things about Islamic extremism, which they didn't like because they think that's Islamophobia.
So it's interesting the way it came. I've stayed right where I've always been.
keeping it real about both sides of that. But it just came around. I mean, and now we are, I'm not surprised that we've reached this place where wokeism is somehow aligned with Enfantada is the only solution. That the people that look and dress and admire terrorists... And infitata, which is not a benign word or concept, they're aligned now. That's the end of that cycle.
And I'm very happy where I stayed, despite all the people who, you know, threw me out of their little club for it.
No, I get that in America, but where in the world do they know me? Ireland. So they get where they see it on YouTube? They're proud of you as the son of Ireland. Really? Yeah.
I remember when I visited there in 99, and I never really thought, oh, you know, I'm Irish, but I was always very unsentimental about it. And I truly believe in my heart that you can't be proud of something you didn't actually achieve. I'm not really proud I'm Irish. It just happened. You know, I'm not proud I'm white. It just happened. I'm not.
I'm proud that I stayed on the air after they tried to get rid of me. That's an accomplishment. No, nobody puts baby in a corner. But when my plane landed, I was crying. And I don't know why. I mean, I didn't expect it, or I just, maybe something in the earth. I don't know what it was, but when the plane was touching down, I guess somewhere in me I know what my roots are.
It's not much of a story. It just happened.
Yeah. Yeah. And then I had the best time driving around.
Oh, they're super woke.
Oh, yeah. For people who don't know. There's, like, stupid or woke in other countries, even, in many places. I mean, New Zealand, I think. I've heard some things. They had a young woman prime minister, you know, who had said things during COVID very much like, you know, if we are the only... Jacinda Ardern.
We are the only truth.
great when i interviewed her yeah i'm just saying she did yeah she got in trouble over covet that's why also just this this attitude that i do hate on the left of like we own the truth right i mean i think fauci said almost goes i am the science well i think they took his mural down in washington trump yeah yeah What's it like?
I mean, that's been your home your whole life, for people who don't know.
Born and raised there, and your father was a detective and sergeant at arms, what, in the Capitol?
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Oh, you do that. Raw garlic. Raw garlic. I'm not talking about a garlic pill. I'm talking about you take the garlic. And chew it. Well, I can't do that, but I can ground it up and throw it down my throat like a pill.
We'll be back with cooking with Terrence and Bill.
Oh, I see. But you're together but not formally married.
Really? Yeah.
We were married. But then you had such a bad fight it wound up in a divorce. No, it was just for money. It was money.
You know, you can't have... both things because you kind of are both things you know like you can't have an easy life if you also are special you know what i mean i mean you're a very charismatic guy you got tons of talent i mean You look great. I mean, like, your whole life.
It's hard for you to stay out of trouble because you're the kind of guy, I mean, chicks must be on you like ants to a melting Hershey bar.
Oh, come on.
That is, I mean, again.
Look, I have so much to say about that, but I can't bury the lead. I can't bury the lead. Religion is stupid and makes people do stupid things. That's the lead story for that one.
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Give up great pussy because, I don't know, Jehovah's watching is just, I can't. I can't go there with you.
Well, that's profound and that's deep. But if it's because of God, I can't quite respect that. But if it's because you really don't want to have sex until you feel something, that I respect a lot.
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The biggest change I would say in my life, decade to decade, is that in the earlier decades of adulthood, I gave no consideration to basically what a very good looking woman was like. I mean, I couldn't steal myself to whatever she was if she was very good looking and I wanted to have sexual intercourse with her.
At a certain point, that goes away, and they at least have to be someone who you also would want to have lunch with or, you know, can talk to before the sex happens, you know, this kind of thing. That's not quite spiritual, but to me it was progress. Now, maybe someday I'll have to be like, well, she's got to be on the same page with God as me.
No, never drop names. De Niro told me that.
She eye-fucked you, then had money.
Well, I'm so happy that you're happy. I mean, that's great that you've found the one. I mean, that's what everybody's looking for in the big Easter egg hunt of life to find that egg in the grass. just the right one.
This is something I'm shaking over. I'm going to call the flag on this and say you are. Bro, how are you? Such a pleasure, man. My pleasure. Thank you for being here. Yeah, dude. Wow, you hold up well. You suck at that.
I read about that.
So that's where the... I've read your shit on this. And then I know Neil deGrasse Tyson... Tried to shit on this. Well, he sure did.
I don't know. I don't even know the particulars that much. I just know there was a feud. A little bit. I gave him my stuff. But all I have to say is I don't know the specifics. I know what you're saying is either way smarter than I am Way dumber. I don't know which one it is.
Oh, I see. Yeah. Well, but one plus one equals two.
Does this have anything to do with October 3rd? No. Oh, okay.
No, but like people think numbers. I used to think that. I got to admit, there was 20 years of my younger life when I was like, I paid a lot of attention to like numbers, like dates, and like, you know, saw some like meaning in that. I still do.
Maybe I got off the train too early.
Yeah, you know what? I once had a cut on my head and they shaved it and there was a 666.
Is the key of A. What does that mean, the key of A? The key of A, the tone of A. The tone of A. Tones have number?
Yeah, I've seen that 432 hertz. 433 kills you.
So they're important. Okay. So when the Beatles got back from India, they remastered all their records?
Never got married.
Do you know the connection the Beatles had with Jimi Hendrix?
Sgt. Pepper, that album, you know it, you love it, you hate it,
Okay, good.
That's a yellow submarine. No, that's Magical Mystery Tour. But listen.
I've been debunked.
Yeah. On the Beatles, yes. So Sgt. Pepper came out, I think, in June of 1967, and Jimi Hendrix was in London. And the day the album came out, he learned... the title song, and played it that night with Paul McCartney in the audience at a club he was playing at. It came out that day, and he played it that night. That's a motherfucker, huh?
I would hold a clean liquor.
I wouldn't say all the Beatles songs were just three-chord shuffles.
And this is the beginning of their later period.
No, they had their early sound, which you're right, was more simple. I have way less of that in my iPod because some of it is just, first of all, the lyrics are for 12-year-olds in 1966. This is not interesting stuff to me. But the songs have great energy and some of them are just timeless and they're awesome. But they really started to grow when they got off the road. Revolver is 1966.
That's like Eleanor Rigby. Sergeant Pepper is the next year. Then comes the Magical Mystery Tour with your Warwick song. Then the White Album. Then Abbey Road. Then Let It Be, or actually Let It Be, then Abbey Road. So that whole second half of their career, it was way beyond three-chord shuffles. That's why they were so great in that era.
That's where you lived?
Manhattan Plaza were all like the actors were, right? Yes, yes. It was like rent subsidized for artists. Artists.
I know a comic who lived in that building because... He got that dispensation, yeah. He still has it? Does he still have the coins? No, he's very rich now. No, he doesn't need it now. David, Larry David.
But that's why we like you. I mean, that's why they like me. You know, you can't, you know, watch the song. If you ain't got no haters, you ain't poppin'. You ain't poppin'. I ain't watched you. I mean, that's been my whole month.
See? I'm telling you, when you look like you, Terrence, you're just going to attract.
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See Mint Mobile for details. Club Random is brought to you by the Freedom From Religion Foundation. You ever been on a road trip where one person insists on controlling the music? You're just trying to enjoy the ride, but now you're stuck listening to nothing but their favorite band. No discussion, no compromises, just their way or the highway.
Well, that's kind of what's happening with Christian nationalism. Some folks want to take over the wheel and force everyone to follow their beliefs. shoving religion into our laws, our schools, and even our personal choices. But hey, this country was built for everyone, not just for one group. That's where the Freedom From Religion Foundation comes in.
Think of them as the GPS keeping church and state in separate lanes, just like the founders actually intended. So whether you've always been secular or left religion behind, if you don't want someone else dictating the trip for you, FFRF has your back. Join us. Go to ffrf.us slash freedom or text club to 511-511 and become a member today. Text club to 511-511 or go to ffrf.us slash freedom.
Because when it comes to freedom, we all deserve to choose our own route. For membership information, text club to 511-511. Text fees may apply. But it's so good that you're in such a happy place because like, you know, with your woman, because, you know, that is, you know, when you don't have that, you're just always thinking about getting it. I'll just put it that way. And it's a, you know...
Yeah, it can be a lot when that's what you're always, every time you leave the house.
I mean, first of all, that's not even my situation. I'm super happy the way I am.
Go to Skechers.com slash Club Random to save 20% off your first pair. Terms and conditions may apply.
I am in love. Oh, I love that. You killed it right there. But, like, I just remember younger years. There was not a time when I left the house where it wasn't on my mind. I'm talking about my 20s, you know. Maybe the 30s sometimes if I wasn't with somebody. It's just exhausting. I'm going to the mall. Does this belt look good?
That's going to make a difference between you meeting somebody at the mall and then getting laid and living happily ever after. It's all in the belt.
I know, but again, it's going to be harder in your life because married chicks are still going to look at you and go— On their pass. Yes, correct.
And you too. You still get it. Oh, please, please. This is not a fair fight.
You know what? I'm happy with my lot in life because if you look like you, it is more trouble too. Like I don't have a lot of trouble, you know, mom, pretty clean, no, no marriages, no convictions, never caught my toe caught in the trap. It doesn't mean I haven't been happy. Not always, but you know, it's just, um, yeah, I mean, it can be a kind of a burden being too popular.
Well, you're not stopping, are you? I got to, dude.
I got to. I got to.
No, you don't. That's a bad idea. I've tried to go in... May I just say, as a friend who I don't know you well, but I like you already, I always liked you. You were just that guy, that leading man guy who was like, well, I could never be that, but he's just so cool. I can't be jealous of it. I just was born different. But if I could, I'd be like that.
That's the kind of guy, if I was going to be that kind of guy. But like...
Oh, yeah, but I just think you should not stop acting. You're good at it. We want to see you. The audience is still there. You still look good, and you're at the prime of, like, you've acted long enough. Who are the best actors in the world? There are always people in their 50s and 60s. They just act on a whole different level. We're not acting. They finally, like, it becomes just so natural.
Don't deprive... Instead of chasing the camera. Yeah, don't deprive us of that era.
Oh, I know what it really is, but what's it for you?
You know what? You got to go for it. I know. But if you have this reputation as runaround sues,
Not at first. You know, it's one thing to fight with them or name call. Once you start with the suing, they kind of take it personally. And it gets too close to the money, but it's still not insurmountable. What this country loves more than anything else is a redemption story.
There has to be every script, you know, whether it's an action movie or a romantic comedy, there has to be, you know, like... It can't just be this. This is boring. You know, the hero rises and then shit happens or and then they break up and like, you lied to me. It's always some contrived thing in the romantic comedies. And then, you know, he chases her back to the airport or whatever.
Well, I mean, you're an actor. You've got to do what the script says. I'm an emotional whore. No, I love him. I told him when I was fired off of ABC. I needed a... I was on that show for nine years.
The world doesn't blow up and You know, you have to have that. So, yeah, I get where you are. But, you know, it's going to go to the other place. Because it does. That's the story America loves. And they just like you. You know, when they like you, they just find a way to forgive. I mean, Charlie Sheen. I can pick on him. But, like, this guy has done so much shit that's worse than anybody else.
And he's still just, oh, that's.
Because he's got a great smile. Yeah. Gregarious.
What did Cuba do? I don't remember. I remember he was in trouble.
What is it, you know, what is it with all the man-on-man action that I'm learning about? I mean, like with the Puffy parties. Like, the last thing I ever thought that went on there was gay stuff. Not that gay stuff was wrong. It's wonderful. I just did not think that's what Puffy was doing.
People have been asking that question for 20 years. There's no good answer. But, you know, the great tribute to him was that I needed to go off the air with something nine years in, and I used his couplet. Because at the time, he had that big record with Eminem. And, you know, the final line, I... Like ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I might leave in a body bag, but never in cuffs.
Look, this is a country of snitches and bitches. And when they want to just disappear you, not to get off on a tangent about how Trump is literally doing that to people now.
Well, you just can't send American citizens.
Right to a prison and not just a prison, a gulag. But what I was going to say is the snitches and bitches characterization of this nation in this psychological moment in our life, I think, Sometimes it seems like that's all it is, that everybody just wants to fight all the time and they will just find something to bitch about and hate.
And if they can take any one or two pieces of information and plausibly put it together in a way that will cancel you, They will do it. They don't care about the truth. They care about a scalp on their wall that they can get. And it happens from the left and it happens from the right. And they just look for that moment.
So I feel like I've been swimming in a sea of sharks for 32 years is how long I've been on between the two shows. And every day, I feel like I'm swimming among the sharks. And so far, they haven't pulled me down.
And yours is. Yes, I have too. But look. I'm not going to lie, after the first cancellation, if you went into my office, you were like, when are you going to start to decorate it? I'm like, I don't decorate my office because I feel like any minute I might have to bug out of it. It could happen overnight where literally, you know what? Don't worry about getting any shit from my office.
I didn't keep anything there.
Not just clubs, but berated as to how bad you were as a comedian and how much you made the paying customers leave. I've had that lecture. I was once, I did a gig in Cleveland once. In like 1980, I was too early in the business, like one year, to even be doing a headliner gig. It was so terrible.
And the next day, and I got that lecture after the show, like, you not only are terrible, but you made people leave. And probably not like this place in the future. And then the next day, I got snowed in for 12 hours. I sat at the airport. And I felt like everybody in the airport was looking, going, oh, there's that asshole.
And that's the way I felt about leaving ABC. And, you know, I love all these, you know, it's so funny. My friend said to me, rappers, they're all so tough until you hear their real name.
Well, I would do jokes. I mean, first of all, I did not have enough of material, enough of an act to do an hour. And when it didn't go over, I reacted badly. Instead of reacting humbly, I would, like, lash out at the audience. It was all so emotional. You didn't like my joke. Well, fuck you. I guess it's you. You're bad, not me. And that's what a young...
24-year-old comic does to really fuck up a night for everybody.
I can do it. The first thing I ever saw you in was Mr. Holland's anus.
Well, I saw the porn version. No. Oh, good. I got him to cough laugh.
Mr. Holland's opus. Opus.
Yeah, but I saw you. I remember I saw Angelina Jolie the first time in this TV movie about George Wallace, the Southern racist governor, and his wife. He married Miss Alabama. And then she became the governor when he was term limited or something. And Angelina Jolie played that part. And I said, the first time, I'd never seen her before, and I said, that's going to be a star.
And I said the same thing about you and Mr. Holland Zahner.
Well, Richard Dreyfuss has been here, too. Oh, my God. Not in that position.
Well... No, he just took a bike in that day and was like horizontal in the chair. I mean, a lot of people have Googled it. But look, I like him so much.
I think so.
You know what? People give me bad information and people protect people. And you're not the first one here who I was told, like, don't tempt them. And I'm like, you're with me. I'm a tempter. I'm a bad employee. We're at Club Random. This is known to be a place.
Oh, drop it.
Oh, I can arrange that in two seconds.
That's what the exhibit said.
Oh, I will so set that up. He owes me a favor for like 100. But no, really, I will so set that up. And that'll be fun. Okay. So this is homegrown and good and pure.
Yeah. Yeah. I don't live here on the farm. I live next door.
Oh, I know. I love California.
You are like Cliff Clavin.
Give me a beer. You remember Cliff Clavin? I know, but cheers. But they also say it's like so much smaller than it was back in the day. Stronger.
Don't you think?
Well, I just think when money gets involved, they will find a way to manipulate seeds. They do it with our food supply is shit because there used to be so many different kinds of wheat. But because of, I can't even explain it, but the economics, and it was more economical.
Because you're stoned now.
I don't understand. He offered me a film. I understand that part. But the part about declining, because that would raise your quote?
He was just good people. Hitler was a vegetarian. Everybody's got something about them.
That must be a shit in your pants now you're. with the suit and like, you got to, who did you bring? I brought my mom. See, that's a safe choice.
Unless you're fucking her.
I told you I'm, you think I'm going to give Terrence Howard bad, don't, no.
Oh, that was so close.
No, you weren't.
Ed Asner. And Andy to be named later.
Taryn Tower, Norbury Walters. Yes, yes.
Well, you know, as Mario Cuomo used to say, you run for office in poetry, you govern in prose. You know, once you get in, you know, once you are the sheriff, things are a little different. So now he's in office. First of all, just to get confirmed, he probably had to say a few things that he's not completely on the page with.
Well, of course. I mean, look, it's way better than it used to be. I mean, it used to be like they didn't even try to hide it. No. You know, Marilyn Monroe, who I famously don't think is very attractive. And I don't want to go into that, but she never did it for me. But I know she was, like, the biggest boner in the world. But, I mean, she was, like, used.
Like, you cannot believe how they just used people in this without any apology or anybody caring.
And then blowing Kennedy. Yeah, wow.
The blowing Kennedy scene was so disturbing because Kennedy was always a hero in my household. Okay.
Okay. So, and look, we don't know if it's true. First of all, it's a movie, okay? You made that up. You weren't there in the room when Marilyn was blowing him. I'm sure she was blowing him. But the way they presented was he was so unfeeling. He's just lying in bed, and he's on the phone. He never gets off the phone.
The biggest movie star in the world is blowing him, and he's on the phone.
It's just so demeaning to her, and it's just hard to watch, and that's why Bobby Kennedy is crazy. Okay, no. But we just don't know that it happened that way. You have such power as a filmmaker, and you are playing with fire because you are presenting images that people... cannot forget, and in a part of their mind, you know, think maybe is true.
And it is possible that Kennedy was that callous, but they just don't know.
Okay, yeah, well, maybe. He was not physically well, even without getting shot in the head. That didn't help. But he had a bad back before that.
Oh, I think we all know generally what got him killed, but what's your theory?
The Federal Reserve is the U.S. government.
Of the U.S. government.
It has less congressional control, correct, than cabinet positions or any other department, yes. That's for a good reason. You don't want to politicize. Funny enough, Trump's doing that now.
But he sat here, and we talked for a long time, and he said to me at one point, I said something about anti-vaxxer, and he said, that's what you think I am? And I said, yeah, I do. And that's coming from someone who's been called an anti-vaxxer a lot. And I'm, you know, it's all how you define this. I don't think I'm an anti-vaxxer. I think vaccines are a great tool that we have.
I'm going to call the flag on this and say you are, because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that may be something Lincoln did, but he did other more controversial things.
Okay, okay. I can't remember the one thing, but there was something he did that was super controversial at the time. Oh, yes. Freeing the slaves.
I think that's what got him killed.
Well, money is in a close contest with race. Because the thing that really unites to me Lincoln and Kennedy, who were killed almost exactly 100 years apart, you know, elected 1860, elected 1960, is that, you know, Kennedy was the person who changed the solid South. It used to be called the solid South. It meant solid Democrats. to solid Republican. That never happened in American history before.
An entire region switched parties. Why? Because until Kennedy, civil rights was not something the Democrats cared about. In fact, they were on the wrong side of it. After Kennedy, they were on the right side of it. That's why he got shot. Same reason why Lincoln got shot.
Look, when you send troops, federal troops, to guard black people so that they can go to college, go to school... Kennedy was in it. That's what got him shot. It's like, how dare you come down to our part of the country where we're still really living in Jim Crow, post-slavery, but not certainly...
America, and you come in here with the federal troops and your brother, Bobby Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy's father, who was like really adamant about this, that changed an entire way the white electorate in those states voted. And they really haven't voted for Democrats since. That's political guts. And that's why he got shot, I think, more than anything. He also wanted to get out of Vietnam, maybe.
Lots of stuff that fought the status quo. And also remember the Bay of Pigs?
When he first got into office, he let the CIA have this plan to invade Cuba and take it back. And it didn't go well.
I just don't want everyone you come up with. I want to be able to make that decision for myself based on my personal health profile. Yeah. He is a little more out there, I think, on lots of stuff. I mean, there's lots of stuff where I just can't go with him.
Well, they were doing that before.
Well, that's what the... The Cuban Missile Crisis was about the fact that Russia was sending missiles to Cuba. Castro took over in 1959. Russia was thrilled. We invaded in 1961 when Kennedy was just newly in office and the plan was already in the works. And so he didn't stop it. He knew that the CIA would revolt. They had this plan in the works. We're going to go invade Cuba.
We're going to use Cuba. It's going to be great. And it wasn't. And they blame him for not giving the air cover that would have helped the invasion. But they were not going to overtake Castro. They just weren't. It was a fool's errand. And he then, six months later, fired the head of the CIA. So they were out to get him. And Bobby Kennedy was going after the mafia. The mafia.
It was like an Agatha Christie novel. They pissed off everybody who's good at, like, killing you. The mafia, you know?
Academia? Academia. Elite colleges?
Well, I never have a good word for elite colleges, so tell me your story.
Are you talking about like Neil deGrasse Tyson?
What's the three-body problem?
Oh, you mean because of gravity? Because of their gravity. Sure.
Do you actually know, I'm not saying this facetiously, how electricity works?
Oh, really? Because that's funny.
No, I don't know. I don't want to know.
But in general, do I think what he is saying as far as environmental toxins, that was the advice I gave him when he sat here because he had been known as an environmental lawyer his whole life. I said, you've got to connect these two things. You're known as a great environmentalist. You're just saying that the pollution, it's in our bodies from other things. It's not just what's in the air.
We're talking about pressure. The entire universe. I've got one question. This would be a good movie. Well, let's see. I hate to be selfish, but how can I ensure, especially now that we have AI and now that I'm almost 70, how can we ensure that I don't die? That's really the question that is most honestly on my mind.
I know what you're talking about. The helix.
Well, now it looks like Terrence Howard is angry.
How can I access this frequency with parts found around the home?
Well, I mean, I just... So I don't need anything special not to die?
But I'm going to keep getting older.
Bill Maher electrocuted an own home.
It's in the air, too. It could be vaccines. Not every vaccine, but who knows, in combination with all the other things that are in our body, mercury and fungus and x-rays. How many x-rays have you had? Electromagnetic energy. 50,000 chemicals we didn't have 50 years ago.
Okay, so let me ask you this.
I do and I'm going to have to call you back on this. I play shoot hoops every day here and once in a while I go a little too hard and I tweak my ankle and But the first, I've done this before. I've been told that to walk barefoot on the earth is very beneficial.
I'm sure you can answer that better than I can. But somehow, again, I'm just a layman here. You're connected. It makes sense on a very basic level.
And why are you wearing it?
So why are you wearing those shoes if they're bad?
I don't think I'm getting a lot of earth here because we put cement here over the earth. It doesn't matter. What happened is I walked barefoot on the earth. Not a lot because I really find it gross. God knows what's in that ground and I have to look out for the dog shit. Anyway, but I did it because this is what I've been told. And I do think it made my ankle heal faster. I really do.
Well, think about having... But I don't think that's anything too outrageous.
I see. So 440 makes you rabid?
We don't know what all these factors are, but when he says this is probably what's behind most of our health problems, that resonates with me. That's what's different about when I was a kid and the food was just, maybe it wasn't great, Wonder Bread, but most of it was just, it wasn't processed. It was not as polluted as it all is now. But it has to be polluted now. What do you mean?
Honestly, I can't see myself getting to the point where I don't know it's the tree. I mean, you must be... You don't know it's the what?
I thought you said you didn't know.
How long does this take? Five minutes.
Five minutes, close your eyes. I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I'd always know it's the tree. And that would be the end of our relationship.
No, it's not. If the 440 is making you tense, you know you can fix that? A 40.
By the way, you are like this generation's Billy Dee Williams. I told you that once at a party. I said you should play his son in a movie. I was with Kid from Kid and Play. Do you remember that? Yeah. And I said, I don't know, we were both, we were high.
And I'm like, damn, I met you and I don't even... And we both bum-ruffed you with this great idea that you should play Billy Dee Williams' son. But it was at the time a great idea. And Billy Dee Williams was here. And, you know, he's 80 and he's still fucking cool.
And you look like you could be his kid.
That's a shame, because that is a much more interesting stuff.
Well, Smokey's interesting, but he's not.
Yeah, but he's not dead. No, he's not. And Marvin Gaye is. And I'm sorry, but drama's drama. And there's a lot more drama in getting killed by your dad. Yeah, but the problem with... That's a story. I'm sorry. to be the studio head who says, but no, that's much more interesting. And Marvin Gaye was like, you would have been perfect as Marvin Gaye. And that is a story that needs to be told.
No, never drop names. De Niro told me that.
I just feel like there's a there's gay for real. And there's a point where guys get so much pussy. They're just like, oh, fuck it.
Well, you mean you couldn't kiss a guy on screen in a movie? No. Not even, yeah.
I couldn't kiss a man either. That's true. And that would fuck me.
Good to see you.
Well, I would not do that. But it does not make me homophobic to not want to kiss a man. Just like lots of gay men are like, pussy, yuck. I mean, that's okay. We all have our own... That's fine.
Well, I can understand. I can understand it. I'm just not of it. I mean, I could certainly understand men attracted to men. I mean, homosexuality is in nature. You know, animals. There are animals. Many, many, many animals. Yeah, the bonobo. The bonobo monkeys.
It can't be all of it if they still make it.
Maybe the Bonobos are gay. Every once in a while, the Bonobo thinks he should try, like Elton John when he married that girl in 1989. You know, I mean, we all knew it wasn't going to work. But, you know, you got to give it a shot. Who knows?
Yeah, well, see, you know, that show is why you shouldn't ever quit acting because, like, once you've had, like, and you've had, you know, you're an Oscar nominee, but there are people who have been Oscar nominees and, you know, like, who are, can you, I mean, the Oscars were only, like, last month. Ask me now who was up for the awards. I couldn't tell you.
So people forget that, but they don't forget, like, a show that had its moment as, like, the sort of it show. You know, Empire was sort of that kind of show, which was great, you know, because usually HBO gets that kind of show, White Lotus or something.
I think you did pretty good work.
We had 28 million viewers in the second year.
So, look, I'm true blue HBO. They're my life, and I love them. But some stuff is, I think, no, I think you were in the right place. Go for a, went for a broader thing, get the bigger payday in eyeballs and in money, and become the water cooler show. You know, once you've had that, I'm telling you, you can, you will always be in demand in some way.
capacity and if you think if you think you're you know canceled forever there's this guy i heard about this today mark halpern i remember i did a bit about him i don't know if i mentioned him by name in one of my shows like in 2018 one of my stand-up specials he was part of the first wave of the me too thing and his mo was around the office he'd rub his dick up against you
Do you know you're over there getting coffee?
He didn't do it to me.
Very poorly, I would have felt. But he didn't do it to me. But he did it to women around the office who were just trying to find the sweet and low. And then there's Mark Halpern's dick rubbing against your skirt. It's as grody as it can get. And yet... Somebody told me today, oh, you know, on his podcast or whatever, I'm like, this dude's back?
That goes triple for a guy who's rubbing his dick against you at the coffee station. It goes... And seven years later, so like...
I'm just saying, like, you're canceled until you're not. And, like, if they like you. And, like, this guy. Look, I'm not trying to, like, make this all about how terrible Mark Halpern is. I'm sure he's a nice guy. I had met him before that. He was on the show. But I do find what he did just as bad as it gets.
But if he can make it back with no charisma, not like nobody like, oh boy, I can't wait to imagine myself with it. You can make it back a lot easier.
Well, I hope you'll just at least tell me that you haven't told your agent not to at least pass on to you if you see something that's like really great for you and then you want to like go in and like you know I can't believe they wouldn't take a meeting with you to say you know what I read this part and I think I could fucking kill it and I'm the right guy for it because there are parts like that
that are there. I'm not saying it happens not often. There's not enough good material. We all know that. But when it does, I hope you jump at it and try to get it.
My body's tired of me. No. That's the problem. I'm not tired of my body. My body, I'm trying to be friends with it.
But you were born a movie star. I'm sorry, Precious, that this is complicating your life. But you are what you are. I don't know what about the science of it or the DNA or what happened, but some of us, we were just created to be something. You were meant to be that. I'm sorry, I'm meant to be this. I'm meant to be what I am.
And I think you do yourself a disservice when you fight against that current because you're never going to beat back the boats there. It's just too strong, you know? I always say water rolls downhill.
Like it, it's like, and usually when I say it, what it means is that, you know, I never got married because water rolls downhill. I know where it's going to roll with me and it's not going to roll toward there. And maybe at some point I'll be able to control that, but it does. And I feel like I, I'm happier when I, um, Live a moral life, but don't pretend I'm not who I am. And you're an actor.
And it's fun. And you can't tell me that when you nail the close-up, it doesn't give you a kind of adrenaline rush. I mean, I was an actor for 10 years. I wasn't even, like, really... ever wound up that or was aiming to be that. I always kind of more wanted to be what I became, but that's what I did in the 1980s. And I got a rush from nailing the close-up. It's just like, it's a drug.
It was as good as stand-up.
No, it's bigger than you.
Or it can be.
But what about Richard Dreyfuss and... You, in that little battle.
But does that diminish how you really feel about your mother? No.
That's why I'm not that upset about being this age, because you're just so stupid when you're young. You do stupid shit. You do stupid shit. I've done stupid shit, too. I mean, I'm with the cause on this one. It just happens, and you just got to eat shit when you're young and on the bottom. I remember doing a TV movie in 1988 called...
Out of time, a direct rip-off of The Terminator, but we went right ahead. Two-hour, what they called, movie of the week. I was very excited. I was one of the co-stars. And I had an 8 a.m. call one day and stayed in my trailer until 3.30 and showed up on the set at 3.30 in the afternoon, which happens. Sometimes you never get caught. It does. Directors want all their colors on the palette.
So I showed up, and not in a mean way, but just, you know, comic. I thought, and I showed up at 3.30 and said, okay, here I am, ready for my 8 a.m. call. At 3.30 in the afternoon. And the director was like, don't ever do that. You know, he was like, you're 28. You got a part in a major movie of the week on a major network.
You know, if I want you here every day at 8 a.m., even if you're not on the call sheet, I'll do it. I mean, he didn't say all that, but like, I got it. Like, dumb. Just like when you're, before you get there, don't act like you got there. Okay, there's a song for you.
Well, I mean, look, I cannot endorse or refute what you just said because I don't know anything about that. I do know, of course, when they make a vaccine, they do have to put something that will be the delivery system. It used to be, for sure...
Per heartbeat? I didn't know it was calculated that way. What do you mean per heartbeat?
Led Zeppelin was on the charts. I'm going to go with 100 per beat.
Have you told this to Elon Musk and Nick Cannon? No, because they're doing the right thing.
So the ones who are around 30, obviously, they're full-on adults. What do you argue about? Where are they like, Dad, that's old-thinking, Dad. They don't do that. They don't.
Do you see eye to eye and everything?
You think she just was mad at you so she said you beat her?
Nobody knows what a guy is like. Yeah, but nobody knows what a guy is like when he's with a woman. I've seen it too many times, like people who I, you know, I won't go into specifics, but there's somebody who a lot of us in the comedy world work with, and we didn't know some of the very unsavory things he was doing. I'm just saying, no one knows you unless they know you in that way.
People are very different with women, but, you know, unless there's, you know, I always say, if you're not in the room, You just don't pretend you know what happened. You just like one of the sides, and so you're just pretending that you know because you want to back that, but you don't know.
But it doesn't sound like... I mean, I just don't think it's insurmountable as far as... America has a way of overreacting and going, oh, yeah, maybe we did kind of overreact to that one.
What's the voice saying?
Yeah. Do you think you have a chance to become extremely rich from what you're working on?
I'm going to show you something.
I mean, it's a fair question.
Is your day consumed with this? Do you work with a team?
What is the linchpin? Well... Uh-oh. This is how it started at the Diddy parties. Yeah, the guy reaches into a bag and the next thing you know, you've got somebody's dick up your butt. Can you believe some of the people who were at those parties? Justin Bieber.
What does man card mean?
Oh, it's not your butt.
Wait, is it your integrity or is it your butt?
Well, look, to be clear, my man card has never expired.
But I don't think my butt has anything to do with my man card. But okay. All right.
Why? Why is it good? What does it do?
And then what practical end does this give us? Like, where does this get us?
We definitely could predict that before.
We could certainly predict where planets were going to be.
Look, again, I can only speak on this. You seem to have read more in depth.
I got a great, you asked me before, like, what question could I ask about the universe? I just thought of a great one. Last week, they discovered a planet that's 700 trillion miles away. which is like, I don't know.
No, I think way more than four.
Well, it's 700 trillion. I don't know how many light years that is, but it was like 120. I don't know, whatever it is, it's a ridiculous number that we could never travel to with what we know now. Okay, so... The story was that this could be, or they said it was likely to be, a planet that had life because... Of its proximity to its star. No, no, no, no.
I had the kids. Right, than I have. I just speak in general terms, and in general terms, I agree with that. I feel like... We are just marching toward this place where we accept more and more of this kind of environmental pollution. Even indoor pollution is a thing. People die of indoor pollution. It can be the formaldehyde in the fucking sofa.
Because they detected in its atmosphere... Methane. Five different chemicals that are only present when life basically is breathing. Okay. I was very impressed. that they could detect this from 700 trillion miles away. So can you explain to me how they could detect what chemicals are in the atmosphere of something 700 trillion miles away? Because I don't know.
I've never heard of one.
Spectrometer, basically, we as humans see only 0.005% of the total light spectrum.
Okay, very good. I'm just saying I could not have done it with things I've learned on YouTube. and somebody did it, and I think they should be applauded. I don't think they're getting enough love for being able to detect what chemicals were in the atmosphere of something 700 trillion miles away. I feel that guy should get laid more.
You know what? With your plug, he will. No.
It's still going to be you.
Oh, it's like Legos.
Oh, Legos wish. Legos wish. That should be your next. This is the fractal.
I still don't see how it affects my erection.
Well, they allowed AI. I mean, you know, it's AI.
Definitely nobody's watching the shop.
Even before Trump, AI, nobody was stopping AI. And probably nobody will. They're just going to have a race to the bottom. And when I mean the bottom, I mean like where the money is. And fuck it if it's going to destroy major parts of humanity. They just don't care. when it was first proposed, AI, they all agreed. They kind of had a little truce. Well, this is just going to be a nonprofit.
You know, we're... That didn't last. You know, you're right. It's always the money. The money. The money, yeah.
Yeah, but if it can buy things that aren't fake, then it's not fake.
It buys, you know... Or the oil that Puffy used. Money is freedom. When I was poor, I didn't have the freedom to never take a job. That's a great freedom. I have that freedom now. I have the freedom to eat what I wanted to eat because I was too poor. I had to eat in blimpies across the street. That's why I sued those companies. For money.
You should have left that agency.
The business has changed for the people watching this who are not in the show business. There was a time when agents were not involved in packaging and producing and production. And once that line got crossed, it did become a little weird.
Do you really think they ever were? Do you think Louis B. Mayer kept his word or any of these motherfuckers back then? Do you think they kept their word? Yeah, they kept their word that Marilyn will blow me after lunch. I don't think anybody ever would.
They're no different than any other business. We just sell something different. We sell dreams and entertainment and acting and other people sell widgets and other people sell fucking mufflers. And everybody, that's the beauty and the horror of capitalism is that it depends on human nature being what it is, which is greedy and selfish.
And if you ever try to change that equation, which is what communism was, you will fail because human nature is greedy and selfish. And, you know, look at you. You've got like a million dollar parka on you. You don't want to be poor.
shit that's the thing i want my money yeah i don't blame you show me the fucking money there's your boy cuba yeah so we can go away but i've got other shit to do all right but i love this man well i got other shit to do too now i could talk to you all night i really could i'd love getting a little wasted with you you are everything i thought you would be Please don't say this is the last time.
Oh, I will.
All right. Well, I promise you, I will do a deep dive.
That's a lot of fun. Thank you, man, for coming here and doing this. I really appreciate it.
That was kind of beautiful. Good. A lot of people are going to take one to go.
It's everything. It's also a known fact that when they come up with a drug— And it doesn't work on one thing or sometimes because it's like it works too well. In other words, it kills you. They don't throw it away exactly because that's bad money after good. OK, what they do is they repurpose it. Retroactive. They do that many times. You know, it doesn't didn't work on cancer.
But we've got a whole stockroom of it. No, I'm sure it's not quite like that, but it is suspicious to me.
Yes, I take something to repair them.
I don't know. It could be nothing. I could be just wasting my time. Well, it's working. Look at you. Well, maybe that's what it is, the telomeres. But the telomeres, right, I mean, as I understand it, as a silly layman, is just, yes, the sort of like the frayed end of the cell. And, you know, of course, we keep replicating our cells.
So if you could repair that end, the next time it replicated itself, it wouldn't come out like worse, because that's what aging is. We are all slightly worse. But we should, before we go on, I guess I ought to say, ivermectin does not cure cancer.
The fact that it was demonized by the left It's one of the things that I would say I could come up with a larger list of things that, you know, when people are like, you know, why aren't you just all on our team? It's like, because your team does some shitty stuff too. Not nearly as much as the right, but you do some shitty stuff too.
And pretending that ivermectin was somehow evil, it wasn't evil. It won the Nobel Prize in 2015. They say it's cured probably more people except penicillin. Okay. Like, was it crazy to think it could work on COVID? And look, the truth is probably in the middle somewhere, which is that for some people, yes. It probably has properties that mix. Because again, we're all individuals.
This one size fits all medical treatment bugs me. So could it work for... Yeah, I've certainly heard from people anecdotally.
Boy, does that hurt your liver?
When I'm feeling a cold, now this is not how I was when I was young and didn't know, but at a certain point I got hip to some of the more natural cures. And yeah, when I start to get a cold, I don't take Tamiflu and that stuff. pharmaceutical shit, oil of oregano.
Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton. Not Hillary Clinton. Just... Not Al Gore.
I mean, do I look like I'm in Death's Door?
Oh, for fuck's sake, get over it. Just enjoy it. You know, Christ, you could be fucking in the hospital. You could be in the hospital with leukemia or some shit.
But all the things the pros wear, shit on their ankles.
Well, I understand.
Your fundamental rights that you take for granted here in America, you would not have. I mean, all the protesters who are protesting in Gaza against Hamas, they've all been killed.
And that happens on both sides.
Yep. I like that. I like you said it that way. I like your point of view because that's what I already think. And that's, and I hate them. And so I like, he's right.
I was a little kid.
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Yeah, but they went to 90 because they were with each other. They might have died at 70.
How many old people do you know that are, how many like 100-year-old people were never married?
I think you're the oldest single guy. Certainly not. I think you're the oldest dude that's never been married.
But she's like gay married or whatever. She's like, what is it called? Like domestic partnership. You talking about Stedman? Yeah. Yeah. Not saying he's gay. I'm just saying they've been together like a... Wait a minute. What are you saying? But they've been together like a gay couple where you get married and, you know, but without the law.
Because she says that that's her boyfriend. Yeah. So I'm just going to believe it when she says it.
So what do you think it is? You think that he's like a beard for her? What's your conspiracy on her?
I'm curious about your thoughts on this. I don't want to say this guy's name, but he had an interesting theory. And again, I don't want to talk about like, well, we'll go whatever, blah, blah. But he was like, the overcorrection in Hollywood. Oh, totally. He said he chalked it up to this. He chalked it up to Weinstein.
And he's like, Hollywood started to feel as if the world viewed them as Weinstein. and that you couldn't just separate the two. Therefore, they had to project this extreme revision of what Hollywood could be. Are those connected, or is this something that happened way before?
Not completely. Especially as long as, like, people are afraid.
No, no. I understand what you're saying. But do you think that these people in industry get like a warped sense of what they can or can't do to women based on the groupies? Absolutely.
And then it becomes normalized. You're like, oh, I can't do this because every girl is trying to do it to me. You must have stories. So you agree with Trump, grab her by the pussy then? No. So what's your—
But I think now the girls are more privy to the fact that they can make way more money off a lawsuit than they can just sucking some guy's dick. So I think there are a lot of them, a lot of these like groupies, they used to get the validation from just hooking up with the rapper. I think a lot of them have, you know, switched their game plan a bit. And now they're like, wait a minute.
No, no, we got to either get pregnant or we got to catch a case.
They got to say something like, I could make your man listen to my day. I mean, the fuck you could? There's a good bit for you.
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He set a tone, and he said it was, like, okay to make fun of him.
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I wonder if, I wonder if some of them don't even, they can't discern between the attention that they're getting from the media because of the relationship and the actual connection they have with the person. Because if you're in entertainment, right, a lot of these people are addicted to attention. It doesn't really matter what the attention is.
And then you get into a relationship and there's all this buzz. And they start going, oh, maybe I really do like this person.
No, I'm not saying it was... A relationship amplifies the buzz. Of course. Like you take both fan bases and mix them together.
Have you ever been with somebody that you felt, even for a moment, wow, I'm really enjoying the time I'm spending with this person, and I'd like to continue doing this for the foreseeable future?
And then when that flame burns out, is it just this immediate conversation where you go, hey, I'm done with this relationship and I want to drag this on? Or you do, like, the classic thing that we all do, which is, like, we're a coward and we just kind of, like, remove ourselves emotionally and hope they break up with us and then, you know, right?
Like, try to be the good guy even though we're the asshole.
I mean, I think a lot of us would rather be dumped when we're the ones that we want to be out of it, because we don't want to break that person's heart. We still want to be the good guy, even though we're going to hurt that person.
They're actually doing something interesting with that Scott Jennings guy.
Take whatever you want. You know what?
So you need a lot, you need love on the way out too. That's selfish.
What do you call it? It's not a girlfriend, right? What do you call it? Like a partner or something like that?
Trying to gang up on him. Lonely Scott. But they put a guy who seems to be able to, I guess, argue from the conservative side on the show. Yeah. And they let him cook. Who? Scott. Oh, Scott. Of course.
That's beautiful.
Asian girl? It's just...
That's something you need, though. You really need the lust. You need to be lusted over.
Right. You don't want to know that.
He's at the Equinox gym steam room.
Yeah. It's probably a net positive for society, though, marriage. Absolutely. Are you kidding?
So that's the thing that is tricky. I think a lot of times people react emotionally to these things. They might hear you saying that and they're like, oh, he's against what I'm doing. Not at all. Exactly. Not at all. So there's a difference between wanting to do something for yourself but acknowledging... Totally personal.
And you really don't give a fuck what they do.
But I don't know if that comes across. Because people aren't used to strong opinions. I mean... I grew up in New York, so we're very opinionated people and oftentimes with minimal information, and that's what makes the opinions so good. I like someone who knows exactly how they feel about the world without researching anything. That's the most interesting person on the planet.
But yeah, I think we feel like it's encroaching on our lifestyle. Yeah.
There's that Jonathan Haidt book. Oh, yes. The Righteous Mind, it's called. Yeah, sure. And it was just really interesting to me, just this idea that like, and it makes sense afterwards, of course, where you're like, we're emotional beings, and then we retrofit justifications for our emotions with our brain. So knee-jerk reaction is how I am emotionally.
And like, once I started understanding that, you'd hear all these dweebs like Ben Shapiro. They're like, facts don't care about your feelings. It's the exact opposite, right? It's like the feelings don't care about your facts. You have to meet people where they feel things.
If you're not meeting people where they feel things, you're going to completely miss them or you're going to be stuck in this little ideological bubble where you're constantly having to appease whatever they feel. And you can't, like, actually create anything authentically.
Yeah, he's clearly a very smart guy.
It starts at the feeling.
Especially if you give them or you grant them some form of, I don't know if he had a citizenship, maybe he had a visa or something like that, but you're essentially giving these- Green card. He has a green card. So if he has a green card, you're giving them the opportunities to be an American, exist as an American for this amount of years.
That's what I'm saying. Right, okay.
You have to. As annoying as that is.
You probably should have looked into his resume before you gave him the green card.
Yes, this is what we constantly do. We're hypocrites, but like... Such hypocrites. But this is the thing. We have to like... This is where it gets frustrating. These arguments is like, if we know we're hypocrites, we can't cry about it. We have to meet people where they are. Correct. Right.
So like, I mean, I'm sure you've seen on Twitter and like everybody's talking about, you know, Israel and like, it seems like there's waning support in America for Israel. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. So an example, which you hear people say all the time, like obviously the politicians have no clue how to communicate most of them. And they're just like, well, this is our closest ally.
And then you get asked why. And they go, oh, they don't know because they're just being told that they're the closest ally.
I don't know if that's true anymore. Like the UAE, I've been to Abu Dhabi.
That's what you're talking about.
Yeah. Okay? You're making logical points. Well, these are factual points. Yeah, sure, they're factual. They are. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. It's like I gave you another option that is true. Well, but it's... I think, matter of fact, I would even argue that life is more relatable to the average American in the UAE or in Dubai than it is in... Again, but it's a disingenuous argument.
Why is it disingenuous?
You said you can't live there, and I was like, here's another place.
I could survive in every single one of them.
Hell no. What? How could I not? I'm not a gay guy. I could live with any single one of them.
Okay. You're talking about me surviving. You're like, I could live very comfortably in every single country. Again, let's not move the goalposts. You're asking if I could live comfortably.
I hate this. moral argument like we give a fuck about women around the world. You said you'd be happy. This is such a bullshit argument. I didn't say happy. I said I could live. You keep moving the goalposts. Let's stay on what you say. I could live easily in every single one of the countries outside of the wars that are existing. But you're saying in peacetime? Easily.
Is there war happening? Is the Taliban doing their thing? No war. No war. War's over. War's over? I could kick it in Kabul for a month easy. Enjoying life. Now, am I doing stand-up every night? No. But could I take a little vacation?
I'm just telling you.
That's this pretentious ass shit. It's not pretentious. You're doing the thing.
You're doing this thing that gets.
I didn't say virtue signaling. But that is, if you don't agree with me, you're dumb, is why Trump is elected. And this is what Democrats do.
Yeah, but people are dumb. So deal with that shit. Like, you know what I mean? Like, stop acting like everybody's smart. Like, this is the problem is like you have all these people that go to Ivy League schools and they're like, we know better than everybody else. And we'll just tell you what to do. And you guys are all stupid. And I know you feel like you want this, but you don't really want this.
And if you disagree with me, you're an idiot. And then all of a sudden they go, you know what? Fuck you guys. I'm going for that one. And it's very simple. Yeah, that's true too. So we can't speak down to people if we know that they're going to react emotionally. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even with the, for example, the Israel conversation, right?
So if I know people are reacting emotionally to this, right? Who is the burden on, if we have this deep connection with Israel, which I believe we do, right? I think the burden is on Israel to prove to the American people, who definitely they rely on for support in this conflict,
I think the burden is on them to communicate to the American people why it's advantageous to America to continue to support them. Like, and if they can't communicate a reason, you can't you can't be upset at the American people for being confused about it. We have that same energy towards Ukraine. We go, wait a minute, they're getting how many billion dollars?
Yeah, you did a... You did something like during COVID that actually was like incredibly inspirational to us.
Okay, over here, if eggs were cheap, I don't care about where you throw the money. But once eggs get expensive, I start going, where's the money going? $200 million going over there? So when economic times are very difficult here in America- or any country in the world, there's going to be some questions asked about where this money is going. As they should be. As they should be.
I think it's a very normal thing. And unfortunately for Jews, when economic times turn shitty in countries, people start looking and they go, I think it might be their fault.
Because there's an ambient energy towards Jews. This is just my opinion, but ambient energy towards Jews.
Because it's not a bright light bulb. Right. It's a small one. Yes. And it comes from the fact that, like, most people don't know Jews. They've never met a Jew. They have no fucking clue. They think Jews are like Jerry Seinfeld. They have no clue that there's Sephardic Jews. They have no clue that there's these African Jews. Try being one in Kabul, Afghanistan. It's probably difficult.
So they just don't understand what it is, right? They've never met one. They only know the stereotypes. And I think they kind of almost lock up Jews into the similar ilk as the Rockefellers or the Vanderbilts. They think they're these elitist people. I don't think Jews even realize that. Because I think Jews are, not all Jews are going, yeah, yeah, we're rich and we have all this money.
And it was the piece about, what was it? The Chinese flu. Do you remember that?
They're just going, I think a lot of Jews in the Northeast are looking at the Rockefellers and the Vanderbilts going, that's some pretty cool shit. I mean, Ralph Lauren definitely was like, hey, that wasp stuff, that's pretty cool. I want to do that. Right? There's like an envy of the wasps in the Northeast from the Jews, I feel like almost. I mean, I feel like they really, they admire it.
Anyway, the average person is looking at them as like these elites that they can't touch. And I think that there's like religious teachings that see like this separatism. It's like, they're not trying to proselytize. Why don't they care if I go to heaven? Like my whole life is about trying to get as many people to go to heaven as I possibly can. But like, they don't, they don't care.
I think it's just hard for them to, to get. And this ambient light that has these negative stereotypes. They own or control. And when the economy's good, I don't give a fuck. I don't care if you're sending USAID to do tranny plays in fucking Pakistan. I don't care. But the second I can't afford eggs, I go, no more tranny plays. And why does that group of people seem to have a lot of power? Right.
And that light that's ambient gets bright.
I shouldn't say it. You're right. I say this all the time.
I say this all the time to people. When we get into these arguments, I don't even want to talk about it, but the trans shit is a perfect example. I was talking to this journalist and I was like, what do you think we disagree on? And he goes, well, some of the trans stuff or whatever. I'm like, well, what about? And he's like, well, the trans women in sports.
And I was like, well, what do you think about the trans women in sports? He's like, honestly, I think it's a red herring that the right uses. And I go... You didn't answer my question. Right. And he goes, well, I mean, you know, I just feel like it's not really a talking point that really that matters that much.
And it's like, I said this, I go, listen, if I say something that bothers my wife, I don't explain to her why she shouldn't be bothered. Smart. That I've done that for years and it drives her fucking crazy. I've learned that about women too.
What we do is we go, okay, I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. Right. We meet them where they're feeling. And I feel like so much in the discourse, it's like explaining with facts why the other person is wrong instead of understanding what they're experiencing and just feeling.
And it was just like common sense logic. It's so funny to even hear that term common sense being used by the right now. Exactly.
I think that's a good conversation.
I thought that was... You know? I thought that was brilliant.
Yeah, exactly. But you put out this piece, and this is how I knew that it really was impactful. I got sent the piece by four different generations of people. Wow. It was my wife's parents. It was my friends. It was like kids around like, like younger that somebody works for me who's like, like 20 or something like that. And then it was, yeah, maybe something like that. And I was like, oh, okay.
Yeah. No, for real. You're right. It needs to be normalized. And I think they like, yes, I think we're so, uh, I think that Americans, we like bravery. You know, like, we have very, what is it, high risk tolerance, meaning, like, we take risk. Like, I think it's kind of, like, in our DNA to take risk.
Like, all of our family, whoever came here from your family years ago, they left their entire family and they just moved here. So we just have the DNA of crazy people, really, that are, like, willing to risk it all, right? So when we see people that are afraid of having conversations, I think there's, like, almost, like, a primal instinctual reaction to it. Yeah, it's not American.
It's not American. And I think that was... I don't want to politicize this shit, but I think that was a little bit of the concern with Kamala on the campaign trail. It looked like Trump was willing to talk to whoever. He was. He was. His camp, when we spoke to him, they didn't give us any notes. He's going to talk to me. Okay.
I mean, only J.D. Vance. J.D., that's the only one who said meaner shit about Trump than you.
You guys might feel it, but it wouldn't stop you guys from having a discussion with each other because you're not pussies. We're not pussies. It's very simple. It's like, are you a pussy or are you not?
It's a good, I mean, I guess, whatever. It's a sign of respect.
Even if you disagree with the person in it, you are respecting the law of the lands. You are respecting the position in general.
Also, it allows you to have a platform with him where you can tell him the things you disagree with. Yeah. I think it's... Somebody was saying that to me. It's generous to allow that to happen. Of course, but this is also part of American discourse. It's very important. I think he needs to do the White House Correspondents Dinner just because... I think a very unique thing about it.
Like, we humble our heroes. It is a very beautiful thing about American culture, right? Is that we will make you beg for our support every four years. You don't just get to be king.
And you saw the reaction, right?
It was visceral.
Here's this guy whose life is perfect. He's got absolutely everything. Yes. He's submitting himself. Fuck him. But look, that's the human interaction. It is. I'm sure that when you got successful and I get some success, you realize, oh shit, there are all these people that are like, They're hating on me for things that aren't even true, and they're saying these things about me. It's a compliment.
So this is cutting deep. People need some sort of, I'm going to put truth under quotes. Yeah. But we're living in a little bit of a fantasy land and everybody's terrified to say something and the peace cut through. And, uh, Yeah, it was super inspirational. Then we started doing these pieces, and I think, yeah, I don't know if that's possible.
Also, that's a part of success. That's the cost of success. It is what it is. They care enough. You're not writing about them. Facts. But it is a beautiful part of American culture where we get to put the heroes up on a pedestal and also humble them at the same time. And the thing about Trump doing it is he's already done a roast. So it's not like he's afraid to do a roast. Right.
So I think we got to get back to that.
I've heard that before. Don't say he's broke. Isn't that crazy? He's like, yo, talk about my kids. Talk about my wife.
Why do you think that he's able to connect to working class people despite coming from money? He is them.
This is with Sebastian Stan, right? Correct. Yeah.
Oh, wow, it wasn't mean enough. It wasn't mean enough.
How dare you humanize a human being?
What a crazy idea.
I don't know if that's true.
And this is how I think people get caught up in... They don't even create... based on their own opinions. They create based on the algorithm. Like, the algorithm teaches them what they want to do.
Right? Because they see a video get, like, a lot of views, and they go, ooh, I guess this is what I want to do. And it's like, oh, no, no, you just never had an interesting thought by yourself. You're waiting for something to stick, and you want attention, right?
And it's like, the people who made that movie actually had the bravery of going, I'm going to potentially piss off both sides that would support this. And what you're left with is... Right. Which is, I mean, I don't know. That's why I think it's, and what I said to you in the beginning, like that's why I think it's brave when you're willing to piss off your base. I think it's very important.
It is. But what you get is the trust. Right. How many people are trusted? Exactly. People will trust you.
Even if they disagree with you, they'll be like, but he's not grifting. He's not lying.
And when you meet people, there's a connection that they have with you. Yes. And then there's other people who are just, they're like, what I would say is more grift where you go, I know what the bass wants. I'm going to echo those sentiments. They're going to consume it because it makes them feel good. But the second that I disagree with them, they will abandon me.
Well, they're my wife's parents. They're not my parents.
What is that?
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So it's so funny. It's like there was a show on Fox called Red Eye. Do you remember that show where, like, comics would go on it, and they basically just – you could – You could just go, and it was a great opportunity for a young comic, and you make fun of different shit, right? What was this on? It was on Fox, Fox News, like super late at night. Fox News?
Yeah, Greg Gutfeld hosted it before he had his show.
Yeah, Fox News.
But there was like, it was a cool opportunity as like a young comic. Right, sure. And this does connect to what you were just saying. But I remember I would go on and like, I was so naive, dude. Like, I grew up in New York City. Like, I don't fucking know. Like, I thought that there was some Whatever. And every... What? I don't know.
I thought that there was like a little bit of authenticity or purity to what we're doing. I didn't know that there was like an agenda, right?
To the program, right? Oh, okay. Or even to the network, right? So... I'm going – so some story about like some random college in like Oregon about like, hey, we're not going to – we're going to have like a no white people on campus day or something. But like some random – Oh, I know the story.
It's absurd and ridiculous. And then like, I remember us talking about it and I was like, and I said on the show and I was like, so wait, is this like kind of what we do? We just take like the most obscure, ridiculous left-wing thing and we just pretend that that's like what everybody thinks. That's what Tucker Carlson does every night. Yeah.
So I didn't, I grew up in New York City in a fucking dance family. My parents had a dance studio. Is that right? Yeah, like as Democrat as it could possibly be, right? So like I'm here and I'm seeing this and I'm just like, what's going on here? And then everybody kind of looked at me like I didn't know what the shtick was.
Like, it was like, you know, like I broke the kayfabe or whatever they call it in wrestling. And I didn't get that. Like, sometimes you don't even need to communicate to the people on your network what they need to do. Right. It's like in the ethos. When you're in the building, you want to get raises. You want to be rewarded.
So you start echoing the sentiments and reward the people that are echoing it. And then the other people fall in line. So no one explicitly has to tell you, these are our points of view.
Yeah, you fall in. That's like a human thing. You just fall into it. It's, yeah.
I always say this. Whenever I'm going through something or somebody's trying to like –
position me in some certain way and I have empathy for them doing that by the way like they see a headline sure and they don't understand the context of anything and then right their views about the world they might see something like that and they'll be like I don't agree with this type of stuff and then they put that on me and that's okay I'm sure I've done that a million times with people sure it is what it is it's a human thing right but I have I have like a great appreciation to the people that will defend me despite what the idea about me might be
Because they get nothing out of it besides wanting to show support to someone they care about. Like you said, you get paid. Like we're able to do comedy and podcasts and shows. Like it's really awesome. But the fan that's willing to take that on the chin, like they're at a family dinner and they're going, yeah, I was watching Bill. And they go, oh, you know what he said about that. So true.
They're incredible.
I think there's this tricky decision where it's like, hey, we can also criticize the administration when they do things wrong. Like they're in power now. When they weren't in power, I understand how you want to get them into power. So you're like, let's turn a blind eye to things that we maybe disagree with. Now they're in control. They are the institution. we have to criticize them.
This is why disseminating disinformation and talking to the people you disagree with is really important.
Because there's a lot of people, myself included, just uneducated people who will go with the trend that kind of makes me feel good as someone who pays a lot of taxes. I'm from New York. I'm like, yeah, I pay all this fucking taxes. What am I getting out of it, right? And then I need somebody to go and have a conversation where it's like,
Because people don't want the full story.
They want to feel good.
Feeling good. And you know who knows that? these corporations, not even corporations, but these businesses that run these... And masturbators. Oh, God, do they know it.
None. They get to let a rip out there. No tuxedos, no cigars, no riding tricycles. You got to watch this Chimp Empire show, and it's like, you kind of watch it, and you're like, oh, this is too close to who we are.
They're close, and then there's other things that Yes. Like, this idea of, like, having to, like, maintain the alpha, right? Like, you also see how that's disruptive in terms of, like, creating any technology, like, sharing any advantageous information. Like, there's this one dude who needs to show he's alpha, and every once in a while, he just fucks up everything in the neighborhood.
He's like a drunk dad or whatever. He just comes around.
Chimp, yeah. Oh, okay. And he's like, I need to show everybody I'm alpha. So he just starts fights with people, fucks shit up and does whatever. And the problem with that is that you can't sit around and develop fire when you're worried that this guy is going to punch you in the back of the head every second. So everybody's just kind of like on edge, hoping this alpha won't start shit.
If you push back against me, if you push back against me.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know.
I do have stocks. I should know more about it, but yeah.
Yeah, I think there is that, and I think he is on the spectrum, and it's probably harder to relate emotionally to things. I am a little bit more optimistic about the intentions of the administration. It doesn't mean it's going to work out, but... I don't think that Musk is trying to get richer.
He's got all the money.
And I respect that.
It's every single cliche you could ever imagine. Right.
Now, you can't tell me that that's... These are the things that are antagonistic and twisting the knife that I don't think is helpful for the discourse. Horrible. But I will say that, like, I think if there's one thing Democrats could learn, it's the importance of the American sentiment where it's like, Americans like abundance and we like hope.
Barack sold us on hope and we will buy that every single time. I think that sometimes Democrats are too, like, safe. They don't sell me on abundance. It's like... Trump goes, we're going to take Greenland. We're not even really going to take it, but he says it. And then Americans go, all right, that might be kind of cool. Right? So Democrats, what is your build the wall?
No, no, it's literally every cliche. And as a comic, you're like shocked because your ego is like, oh, I have unique takes on everything. And then the only emotional reaction you have is the exact cliche that every other person has said about a kid.
Yeah, if it's consensual, it's cool. Exactly.
That should be the slogan.
We're asking. We're asking.
It's a consensual thing. What I would tell anybody, what I would try to explain to Democrats is you have to give us hope and abundance. I need a slogan. Build a wall. is emblematic of something that people feel, right? So it could be as simple as like dollar eggs. Hey, if we get in power, we are subsidizing eggs. You will never have to worry about getting your kid eggs. It's a dollar egg.
It's what we do in America. It's what we do with the dairy industry. It's what we do with the rice industry. It's what we do. Well, we do it on the- Corn industry. Like, of course, we've been doing it for years.
No, I'm talking about on the farmer level. And again, listen, I- The chicken. I'm talking about the chickens. But what comes first? You know what? Has anyone ever really asked that question?
Has anyone ever really... It's more about, like, how do you communicate to Americans that we want to meet you at your needs? And how are we going to say that? And how are we going to say certain things that are going to penetrate the discourse?
Americans don't have a fucking... Like, Democrats don't have a slogan that tells, like, a hardworking but poor American that they're going to be able to get more.
Dude, it was so funny. That one commercial. I've been talking to the guy. I don't know if he wants to remain nameless, but the guy who made the commercial. Trump is for...
And they open with, you know, Charlemagne. You know Charlemagne, the guy. Him and I do a podcast together. Oh, I know you do. Love him. He's amazing.
He has a lot of respect for you. But he's the GOAT. He is like, to me, he's like a... Great reach.
And also like, I don't know if this is fair, but a lot of times I judge people like based on like where they've come from and how far they've gotten in their life. You know, like, so to go from, you know, billionaire to like 1.1 billion isn't as impressive as to go from trailer park in South Carolina to one of the most powerful voices is like, anyway, but we're talking about that. Like,
Just knowing how that kind of ended up happening is kind of funny, but how do Democrats start communicating? Because say what you want about AOC's politics, she communicates to the people in her district that she wants to help them. Bernie communicated in a way that he wanted to help people. I think AOC and Trump polled the same in her district. What does that say?
That says that those same people will cross the political lines to the people they feel are looking out for their best interests. So how do Democrats start organizing in a way?
Hey, you don't look up that Bronx district.
No, no, no. I think there is facts there. They pulled very similarly.
And they should learn, like, instead of... I think the knee-jerk reaction is to make the opposition radioactive. And it's like, guys, they like the opposition.
Dude, I wonder if like, and again, I don't know too much about like the Ilhan Omar's politics or whatever. Oh, Ilhan Omar? Is that who you're talking about? Ilhan, Ilhan.
Ilhan, I thought it was. But I guess I think that like. Whatever it is, I don't like her. So the point that I'm trying to make here is that like.
Well, here's the thing that's important. It's like, I think that she has the, and I don't even know if she understands this as privilege, but like she has an identity outside of being American. Like she, she has this separate identity from another country that has thousands of years of history. And that's baked into who she is. Some of us. Where you would happily live. Where I would happily live.
Like, and it would be so great.
I mean, if I had a sister that, no.
So the point I'm trying to make is like, some of us only have America. We only have this. So when you attack this, I'm going to defend it till the day I die. I love America more than anything in the entire world. It's the greatest country in the human existence, is the greatest experiment in existence, and it has succeeded. So we only have this.
You have to find a way to communicate what you believe to be the shortcomings of America in a way that doesn't make us feel like you don't love it. My mom is an immigrant. She loves, like, you cannot tell my mom that she cannot, that I cannot achieve anything, that she cannot achieve anything in this country.
It's one of the reasons why I think it's important to bring in immigrants because they remind us of the opportunity.
And we don't.
You haven't traveled because of your UTIs.
Have you lived outside the country?
This is this Ivy League shit that's so annoying to Americans. Oh, reading. Yeah.
Okay. But in terms of living outside, like I've lived outside the country and it's important. I haven't lived in the Middle East, but living in Spain. There are little things that you will appreciate that we have here that even in a major city in Spain that they didn't have, an AC unit. Exactly. Like a little thing we take for granted. Totally. That we don't realize how amazing we have it here.
Oh, your selfishness is perfectly aligned. It is – it's amazing how like my whole life I thought – and I'm not trying to discredit my pops. He's an amazing pops. But like I thought he was doing all these things like against his – like he was just being there for me in everything and every single basketball game, whatever. And I didn't realize that he could also get joy out of it. And as a parent –
This is something that, like, you cannot underestimate. When Americans lose, like, every American thinks they're going to be a millionaire. The day they're born, they're like, I'm going to be a millionaire one day. And we run on that. That is the energy that we run on. And the second Americans start to feel like that's not an opportunity for them, shit gets dark fast. Yes.
You need to do whatever you can to reinforce this idea that it's really immigrant mentality, even though the people are born here. Totally. Absolutely. You can make it. You can. And that's what makes... I mean, that was at the forefront of everything.
You see retards become millionaires. Like actual people who are retarded can become millionaires. Dude, you know what I realized is like, a lot of times I think the perception of comedians is that like we say something and if you are offended by it, we're angry. And it's like, you can react however you want to react to things. Like, I don't police your reaction. If you're offended, that's okay.
But if I was talking to you and you're like, hey, that makes me feel uncomfortable, that word, I just won't say it around you. I don't care. Like, but that doesn't mean I won't continue to make a joke that might have it in it or say something with other people. But on a one-on-one level, like, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, I think I check. I also think it's like important to get like a litmus test. Like if I'm writing something, like if I'm writing my hour, right, I block out everything because I don't want to create for my haters. I feel like a lot of people fall in that trap of like, how can I appease the people that don't like me?
I want to make something that I really believe in and I think is like honest and authentic to me. And then after releasing it, I think it's important to understand like how you're taken in the marketplace. Oh, do people think I'm this, there are people think I'm like this right-wing MAGA lunatic because I had Trump on the podcast.
You get joy out of it.
No, I gather that this one was different. This one is basically... And it's called? It's called Life, but it's... And it's on Netflix. It's on Netflix. And it's on now. It's on now, yeah. And it's basically about me trying to get my wife pregnant. And I found out my sperm sucks.
Well, we had to use science. That's the story.
I had to do, no, we tried turkey baster. Yeah, you lied. Are you serious? That didn't work. No.
See, that's what the problem was. Yeah, I used that, and yeah, my wife gave me. Gerlitz came out. So, but yeah, so it was just this story of us having to do it. Like, usually the woman is the one that's obviously concerned about her eggs and these things, but with me, it was fun.
Yeah, right. You would never have kids.
What was the problem? My sperm doesn't swim and it's shaped weird.
Dude, you want to know what's crazy? Emotional reaction. Obviously, I had whatever interactions with the doctor about, but there was this week or two afterwards where I thought that primally, my wife would no longer be attracted to me. There would be this instinctual thing that would happen. There is. Yeah.
Oh, I don't believe in ick.
No, no, I don't believe in it. I'll tell you why I don't believe in it. I think there's so much societal pressure on women to be married that they would rather be with a person that they don't like than alone. I think women are terrified of being alone.
Let's say maybe there is. But let's say hypothetically some of them are still locked into these institutions. Obviously, like you grew up religious, right? Not you, but like someone. Catholic, yes. Yeah, some women grow up religious, right? That have like, they have strong family values in the religion. Yes. Catholics, Jews, Christians.
And there's this huge pressure to like get married and like start a family. And I think that that pressure that women have, men don't have it. Like our biggest fear is being with someone we hate. Clearly you have it. Right? Motherfucker. Clearly. This guy got a whole bunker built. I feel like I've walked the walk.
I'm not trying to hide it, man. I think what happens is these girls end up in They end up in relationships with these dudes that they actually don't like. And then when you don't like someone and you are with them, everything about them disgusts you.
And that's the ick.
So what I'm trying to say is it's women's fault.
Yeah. Yeah. But do it with someone that you like so that you don't have to sit.
It really isn't. It's not a fun existence.
So you've got to hope you get it right. Right. And the older you get, I think the harder it is. Like, if you're trying to meet somebody... at 40, right? And you're meeting another person around that age. Like, you both have built these lives that are completely separate. Like, the odds of you being able to connect to that person and all your little idiosyncrasies matching up, that's...
One in a million.
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Oh, thank you, brother. Thank you so much.
Yeah, obviously. But life becomes just a little bit smaller. So much of your life, I guess, in entertainment is unfortunately dictated by what you think the perception of you is or have you achieved these things that you want to achieve. And it is... I would say equally as comforting. Now I'm coming from this place where like I've made a couple bucks. I'm financially secure. Quite a few.
You're doing great. Do it okay. So I care mostly about how my kid and my wife feel about me. And I can feel comfortable if life is good at home. And I'm not as worried if like these people on the internet are saying crazy shit about me or this thing is happening over here. So it puts things in perspective. Immediately.
Not at all. Seriously? No, like, I stopped, like— Oh, come on. I stopped, like, doing drugs or whatever, like, smoking and shit like that. I was never, like, a big cigarette guy, but, like, I'll have a bogey every once in a while.
But I stopped doing it just because I'm like, I'm not about to have some like fentanyl and some drug that I'm.
Yeah, is that the... Is that the like, I hate even using the term because it's so belabored, but is that the end of woke?
Yes, of course, as we all. Did you go to a Diddy party?
Not that, but I, like, I have no interest in going skydiving anymore. You know what I mean? Like shit that when you're younger is fun and like exciting. Like I don't need to do all that shit. Yeah. So I guess I am like a little bit more like risk averse person. Not maybe risk-averse career-wise, but like shit that I don't actually really care about.
Constantly. You mean you are? No, I'm saying like you would. I would, yes. Meaning like the things that you say, like the opinions you have?
But they get insulted. I feel like they're... Like, I think my wife would probably be like, well, why don't you just want to have sex with me? Like, I'm here. I don't think they understand that these are different things that we do.
Like, I think the woman feels a bit of rejection when you're like, I would prefer to masturbate than just have sex with you. Well, she should. Well, shouldn't, right? Shouldn't she? I mean, sometimes you want a little alone time, you know?
But not doing that was the thing that you're happy about.
Yeah, even though you don't know because you never did.
You think he killed himself after he died?
This does happen.
Right, and they're basically living for each other, and then when one of them goes, there's not as much of urgency to live.
Over time. Time is great for that.
Tom, explain to the kids out there this Roger Ebert you speak of.
Would they tell you which movies had done best at the box office that week? Yes, they would. Of course, yeah. That was a big thing. Of course, and it was very... And I remember there were people who complained about it. It shouldn't... We shouldn't know because we should just be able to decide on the merits of the movie and not by, oh, it's number one.
Of course I'm going to see the number one movie. As if I ever did that. As if I ever looked at it and went, well, it's number six. I don't know.
Yeah, it's... It's Kubrick, but it's six.
Hey, Bill, how are you? Tom. Tom. Listen. Oh, my gosh.
And very few people do. And that's okay. It's a big country. But, I mean, I get it the way you're explaining. To me, it's like, that's what an artist does. I make the movie I think is funny. And some people are not going to like it. And I know that going in. And that's okay. Because I'm not playing to them. I mean, that's what I go by.
Sure, yeah, absolutely. And, of course, there's the great line in Spinal Tap where he says, it's a fine line between clever and stupid. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. When they're accused of... Yeah. Yeah.
And in a way, there actually is. I mean, it's just how something strikes you. I mean, there are people who saw Spinal Tap and didn't understand it was a mockumentary at all. They just took it at face value and went, well, this band isn't very good.
Now, for people who are wondering what I'm referring to, you used to live here.
I don't know what year it came out. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it's Rob Reiner's first movie, right? Yes, let's just say 80s.
And I lived next door. Yeah, until it burned down. I lived here two weeks, and then you burned your house down on purpose.
I mean, it was, I feel like a bridge to something like Borat.
Well, of course, it's not my living room. I bought your house. Sure, sure, sure. So this was always a strange... room, this building, many people told me to tear it down. I mean, I didn't buy the house directly from you. Somebody else bought it for a few years, and I bought it from him. So up top is a tiki bar. I was told Drew put that in.
No, I think this was here when you were... Okay. I think you were just stoned and didn't see it.
uptight about just mentioning stuff. I mean, it was like, I'm trying to think of what an analogy for today would be, like pedophilia or something, just like, you know, just Nazism.
It was a billboard, I remember, on the way to LAX, back when I was often on that road, that road that connects the 405 to LAX.
But I was on it a zillion times, and there was a billboard. And it was, you know, like one of those, this is your brain. But it was about Coke. And it showed a line. Every time I saw it, I was like, you know, I'm not even a Coke head. And I want to do some Coke now. I mean, just seeing the line of Coke.
Yeah, it's like seeing the egg. I want eggs.
Well, let me tell you, you can make a killing right now.
Maybe you and I could work something out. I mean, I'm here in America still. You could get it to me.
Just like regular people. Yeah. Just like regular neighbors. Stars are just like us. I moved here in January of 2001. When did you move next door, which is now this door?
That is one you don't want, brother.
The Lyme disease. The Lyme disease, yeah, exactly. I would never go anywhere near any place that had ticks. I mean, I don't know what I'll do if they come here, and they probably will. They aren't in California, I guess. Okay, yeah, yeah. Well, there are still some at the Morris office.
I'm actually with them now. I'm making fun of my own agency now. I forgot. It sounds better with the Morris office. It does. It's more old school, you know. It was what I heard when I was a kid. I thought it was so cool to be in show business when George Burns or somebody would say like, you know, the Morris office. And I would think, oh gosh, if I could one day.
That's like who his agent was. That's all you knew as a civilian about agencies. Who would have thought that they would have wound up being William Morris Endeavor?
No, it's not the Morris office of old, but that's probably good.
It is amazing to think that if we weren't a species that was so into chicken abortions, the world would be overrun with chickens. Every egg we ate had become a chicken.
What does the rooster do to the egg?
I do, but it's before the egg. Once the egg comes out, it's ready to hatch.
So the rooster does stud service for the entire bunch of hens? Yes.
That must be where the connection is with calling a cock after a rooster.
I thought... It's a great arc.
There's a layer to Green Anchors that's very sophisticated. It was almost surreal because, you know, the plot was, of course, Oliver... Eddie Albert played him. He's a New York, you know, I guess he was a lawyer or something. He's wearing three-piece suits. Marries Ava Gabor, who's darling, but she's hot. And she wants to live in the... Oh, no, he wants to live in the country.
She's like, oh, fuck it. We're leaving Park Avenue for the country, but he wants to... He has this thing in his head about... And so... all the people around him on the farm and in the town, they're all like insane. He's the only sane one there. And yet they also vibe with the wife because she's insane in her way. So they kind of meld, even though she hates being in the country.
And he's just like this, the sane guy in the middle. And it's really very well scripted. I think you would be impressed.
I mean, I think that show was funny too, and it had a similar thing where the hillbillies would, in their own way, meld with some people you wouldn't expect. But yeah, it was more just misunderstandings of... you know, the cement pond and, like, what things were. But I feel like the writing back then, those writers were good.
You know, those green gene shows that they used to call them on CBS, that's what kept CBS alive for years. It wasn't just the Beverly Hillbillies and Greenacres. There was also Petticoat Junction. Okay. I've heard of it. And they were all sort of, and Andy Griffith. Right. Watched that quite a bit.
They were all sort of, and they all kind of like cross-pollinated at a certain point with the ones on the other shows. I think it was all taking place like in North Carolina. I'm sure it looks very racist today.
Of course it was. And it wasn't overtly racist. It's just that there weren't black people in existence in their world, the 60s and the South. I mean, they're just, but that's where the world was. I mean, yes, even liberals didn't think it was the wrong thing. So nobody should like fucking look back to the past and go, oh, we're better than you. No, you just came later.
It's so funny. Two weeks after I moved in, and of course, you don't really know where you are in the house versus the street. You're just getting reoriented. There were still boxes in my living room. And I remember emailing my assistant and said, I think it was a Sunday. And I said, I didn't get the Sunday New York Times today. Do you have to know why?
But they did. Not that I love everything that's been going on in Canada under Trudeau because I don't.
Good. He was super woke to a degree I can't hang with. I mean, there is a thing about that should be very important to someone like you, Tom, freedom of speech. There is a level of hostility to freedom of speech that's going on. And of course, the Republicans are criticizing it now, but they have no leg to stand on because they're not for it either.
But there are things going on in Europe right now where they They canceled an election in Romania because the wrong people won. And I'm sure they were the wrong people. But you know what? Once you start canceling elections, and again, Republicans, no standing to make this case because who's the biggest election canceler than Donald Trump?
He tried every which way to cancel the 2020 election, still hasn't conceded it.
First of all, just Dennis Rodman is hysterical, and that you were drinking with him.
We were done for the day.
You know, going out drinking with Dennis Rodman, I have to say, is not something that recommends somebody as an employee. Again, that's just my thing with Trump. It was worth it, though. I'm not going to pre-hate everything. Firing you, I feel like, was the right move. Yeah, you're probably right.
You know, you can't trust anything he says because, like, the next day he changes his mind or whatever. But I think he said last week he wanted to cut the defense budget by 50%. I've been saying that for years. Am I going to hate it now because he says it? That would be hypocritical.
Yeah, we don't need those. Well, we can't get rid of nuclear weapons unilaterally, but we should reduce them.
plan to lower them. But I have to know, politics aside, like Dennis Rodman. Yeah, back to this. As a very curious, I remember, of course, I'm a basketball fan. You remember the court. Was that here when you were here? The basketball court? You don't remember that either? Tennis court. Okay, same thing.
Ben made it into a basketball court. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Yeah. What was I going to say about?
Oh, basketball. Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman, yeah. Big basketball player. So I remember Dennis Rodman as a player.
Best rebounder. Yeah, I remember I was in Chicago for some reason in 1996 when they won the championship. The night they did, and I went to this club where they were partying. I met him on a championship night in the VIP room. It was like, wow, it's really cool being a celebrity. I you know, the show had only been on a couple of years and I was like, wow, this is great.
And she emailed back, yeah, because there were 16 fire trucks on your street.
Apparently my bedroom is, I know it now is, is on the opposite side of my house. So this property, it was, and this house was set quite a bit back. But yeah, you would have thought I would have heard. I don't think I'd sleep that well today.
Lord of the Flies. It's so right. It does seem like a lot of reality television in America is about pitting people against each other. Yeah, absolutely. We're a cock-fighting, loving nation. People who would not normally, perhaps, be fighting. Exactly.
Do you think they cast it that way also?
So you were allied with, you had an alliance with Dennis Rodman.
My guess is he actually didn't get angry about it. My guess is he sort of... Well, I think he was doing it for fun, you know? I think he likes to play the character of Andrew Dice Clay. That's a character. Absolutely. I'm very good friends with Dice, too. But that's not really him. Yeah, I know.
And sometimes he just lets the character drive the bus because it's more fun for the character to be mad about the bagels than for him to be a reasonable person.
Bad reviews from Roger Ebert. Something was going on in your horoscope. I'm telling you.
When you think of what, to overuse a term that's overused, privilege kind of life we live, where what we do is something we basically consider to be fun. So do we work? Yeah, we work. But I've also had jobs when I was younger. That was work. In other words, I fucking hated it. I didn't want to throw triangles of fish product into a vat of grease.
No. In fast food? Have you ever done that?
Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. Cool. In Ithaca, New York. Arthur Treacher was this old British actor who was Merv Griffin's announcer, like sidekick, like Ed McMahon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was enough... In this day, I guess this is the 70s, that was enough for Arthur Treacher to have gotten himself a franchise because he was British.
A franchise of...
Exactly. Except he wasn't that big a star. Yeah, yeah. But they had, it was a viable restaurant. It was a fast food shithole that I worked in, yes.
It would, your arms would be chapped and with a uniform, you know, a short sleeve and your arms would have long sleeves.
These kids who get offended at microaggressions, not that I'm a Marine, I mean, I'm People have had way harder lives than me for lots of reasons.
And then you'd have just all these red marks on your arm. Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. I'm not saying it's... At a time of my life when I was, you know, thinking about asking a girl out... It wasn't the greatest thing to approach her with red marks all over my arms.
I didn't. Because you were working. I went from that to selling pot in six months.
Way more lucrative and way more fun. Yeah, that's cool. I didn't smoke until I was a sophomore in college. But I went from first smoking it to selling it in six months.
Because I couldn't afford it otherwise.
So why does it do that? You asked me before about eating it. Yeah. That's another reason. Right. It makes you kind of paranoid? Well, it's more like tripping. It's a five, six-hour experience, which I'm not up for. Yeah. Too much energy required. I don't have six hours to give to your trip. Yeah. Yeah, you can be almost too high sometimes. It's just you can't control it.
And for a control freak, it's just not, it doesn't work. Exactly.
I mean, everybody's different, you know. I'm having a beer, by the way. Please do.
I fucking hate beer. You hate beer, huh? I do. I really do. Why do you hate beer? You just never got into it? It stinks. It's cheap. It's cold. It's cheap. It's like low-level percent.
No, I could drink it. It doesn't, like, make me wretch.
But the idea of drinking something with only, like, 12% alcohol or something?
Well, if you're drinking, you're drinking to feel the effect. Whatever it does, like, I always think it kills, say, 5% of my brain cells. Not permanently, perhaps, although I guess they are permanent. Okay. Wow. But at the moment, 5%. And for some reason, that makes you, in a way, smarter sometimes. In many ways, stupider, of course. Drunks do the worst things.
But if you could control it, just why do people have a couple of drinks at dinner? I think it takes down a tension level in people.
And it makes you just more you.
No, I mean like when you felt your – did you go, hmm, did I used to have three balls? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just saw this great show, I gotta say. I'm a big Billy Bob Thornton fan anyway. I mean, even if he'd only ever done Bad Santa, I'd love him. He's done a lot of great stuff. And his band is great. I've always been a fan, but
What does that mean?
You know, my earliest years in comedy were when SCTV was on.
And I would... I had one of the first, I guess, the first generation, certainly, of... something I could tape off TV. It was like this big.
Yes. Or a beta? A VHS tape. A VHS tape, yeah. Just like with the old tape recorder, you would have to push two buttons at the same time to press and play or something. Record and play, yeah. So it was on Saturday night, SCTV, and that was always a big night to be out at the clubs. Yeah. But at the end of that night, I would be like drooling in the cab going home.
That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. So it felt like there was – So if I check my balls and they feel basically equal – I'm okay, you think?
Just to go home and watch that VHS tape. Because I'm going to rewind and watch SCTV. Yeah. It was like just on a level that was.
You know, my first year in comedy.
And living in, or no, I guess I was, yeah, probably. I'm picturing it in the apartment. I got my main apartment there, which was not a nice place. But I didn't have the dots on my arms anymore, so it evened out. But yeah, so yeah, 79, 80. Around there, 80, 81.
I mean, early 20s and, you know, just at that part in your life where I've never had more anxiety because it was like, you know, am I going to go anywhere in this crazy job I've picked for myself? Right. Or, you know, and if not, what? And can I be happy? Yeah.
You look like a director.
I know you have directed lots of stuff, but I'm just saying you just look like a director.
I'm guessing you haven't seen this. You should look this up on wherever you YouTube it. But I had a book out last year.
So I was like, in the one-on-one interviews section of the show we do after I do a monologue, it's very often an author. You know, it's a topic. It's a single topic. And it can be anyone. It can be an iconic celebrity. It can be the governor or whatever. But yeah, if somebody has like an amazing book, like Jonathan Haidt has this amazing
book that's been on the charts for years you know the anxious generation about kids and phones and all that shit but I was like okay but now I'm the person with the book can I have someone interview me and I'm the guest yeah Well, Jiminy Glick did it for me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm telling you, it's like the funniest 10 minutes. I mean, I'm just playing straight, man.
I'm just, I did do my part well, but that's just because I understand that what's going on here.
Yes. Get out of the way and let the genius do his thing. And of course, just play everything straight as if he's a person who deserves an answer. I mean, his first question was, why go after Harriet Tubman? Right. I mean, I was—I had to have a tissue box there for—I couldn't, you know, he is— There is a genius to Martin Short that really—he deserves all the accolades he gets.
Well, just because it's silly. Because it's, I mean, it's like the comedy of silly, you can't beat it. You can't beat getting someone giggling, you know?
I mean, he was so... you know, the Zeus of the universe that everybody, I mean, look, one of my great friends in life was Alan Thicke. Yeah, I knew him. Came with me on my first. Canadian. My first Hawaiian excursion I did for 12 years. I did a thing in Hawaii over New Year's, and he was on that first trip with us. Loved him. Yeah. He tried.
And Alan, you know, people never really appreciated what an amazing, dry, sophisticated wit he was. Because he was known as the sitcom dad.
You know, but that wasn't Alan. Alan was like slyly the most hysterical guy.
The best, yeah. Oh, I loved him. So listen to this. I remember meeting him one night, and he was newly engaged to Tanya, his third wife. I think she was Miss Columbia. Barry Allen, a beauty pageant winner. But they were like, I mean, it was hysterical because it was like NAFTA. The dry, unflappable Canadian, and then the Sofia Vergara character. And I love Tanya. She's awesome.
But she's Colombian and fiery. So it was just hysterical to have them on the trip. But I remember when they got... I was, I met them at a restaurant. It was just me. And I didn't know why I was, but yeah, I loved him. I saw him a lot. And she's like, you know, she wanted me to notice the, she finally got the engagement. Yeah, sure. You know, and it was, you know, girls do, you know. Okay.
So then we were joking about that. Okay, great. Congratulations. We were talking about at the time, his kid was like four years old, three or four years old, Carter. And, yeah. He was playing hockey with that kid who was then 18 when he died. Yeah, yeah. So Canadian. Yes. To die playing hockey. At least a very Canadian way to go. You should get a special Gohalla salute for that.
So I'm asking Alan about the kid, and he loves Tanya. That's great. I said, does he understand sex yet? And Alan said...
He knows it has something to do with the diamond. Oh, okay.
Canadians, man. It's tough when— The roster is, like, so impressive.
Because I played Montreal and Toronto.
Oh, any time. Monica Lewinsky said, well, not to get off on a tangent, not that we have an agenda here, so one could buy everything as a tangent, but, you know, I take a lot of shit for my views about medicine, which I don't think are weird at all. I'm just more skeptical, I think, than most people. And it's because, partly because, partly, and just anecdotally,
That's probably what I was playing.
I did. I'm not going to tell the story, but I actually had a great time.
But... I mean, the reason I got there does not favor well on Winnipeg, but that's not their fault. I only got there because my house had to be tented. And I called my agent and I said, get me a gig fast.
I love Canada. I love the people. I have some serious connections with friends there. And I remember moments there that would never happen in America, like somebody refusing a tip. Right. I remember somebody doing that, pushing the money back and saying, you've been generous enough. And I said, you know, in America, you could be arrested for that. Refusing money. Yeah. That is, boys.
Of course, Toronto. You love Toronto.
Yes. Toronto. Have you been to Ottawa? Yeah. No, no, no. I'm saying I've never played Ottawa. I don't think you have been to Ottawa. You've got to come to Ottawa. Well, I'm not doing it anymore. You're not going on the road anymore? Yeah, I just stopped.
You know what? I really feel you can't because... You have to be in practice to do stand-up, at least the way I want to do it. Because you would feel, every time you got up, you'd feel like you were not in a groove. For 42 years, I've had an act. There was my life on TV, and then there was my act. There was stuff that bled between them. It was very good.
slide that material out or do you keep some jokes for years i never try i never try yeah but i mean well now i don't even have to worry about it because i'm not doing it but for years but hypothetically we're still doing it there was thing there was there were i'm not going to say there aren't things that um were written for real time that didn't wind up in my act there are um but mostly i wrote that myself um
It was just too, stand-up is just much more personal than like doing a monologue each week, which is really just about the events of that week. It's very impermanent, you know? A stand-up act, I just did a special. I mean, they can watch that for years. Not everything I'll like.
It's like, you know, when I said I wasn't going to do it at the beginning of last year, we didn't book anything for this year. All year, I kept thinking, oh, my God, I'm not going to be doing this after this. You know, there's eight more gigs. There's six more gigs. There's four more gigs.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase, and it was misdiagnosed. And it's like, I'm not saying you guys aren't trying in the medical field. I'm not saying you're corrupt, although there is some of that. And I'm certainly not saying that everything Bobby Kennedy is right, says is right. But yes, I'm skeptical of everything. You guys very often don't get it right.
That's why I never made an announcement. You decide next year, oh, I think I will do it again. But I was, like, really wondering when it comes to it next year, am I really going to be okay with this? And you know what happened? I was. I was right. Like...
A couple of weekends ago would have normally been, as it has been for so many years, the weekend when I first went out back on the road, the third weekend in January, the holidays are over, okay, people go to a show again. I was so glad I didn't have to fucking drag my ass out of bed on a Saturday and go to Cincinnati, not that I don't love Cincinnati or whatever it was. I just wanted to be home.
Yeah, yeah. And... That's it. You know, it's not that I couldn't. I'm not crippled in any way, people. I mean, it's not like I just don't fucking feel like it.
Yeah. Yeah. But you don't have to. I just don't think you should set it in stone.
Stand-up is just a medium. It's a medium for ideas. That's what this is in its own weird way.
And there are people who will watch us do this who wouldn't watch us do anything else. And I get that. I am not that, but I get that. Because it's just like there are people who want to hear a jam band instead of something polished. Yeah, absolutely. And that's personal taste. And I get it. And I'm fine. But I want both. I want to have a jam band.
And I also want to make Abbey Road every week on real time.
But it's still, I didn't change anything in this room. This room was always so cool. I mean, it was a mess when I got it. And I think Drew is the person who built that tiki bar up. It looks, that thing that looks like you're in Mexico. Okay.
yeah yeah i i was told i don't know how i know that yeah i think that's true actually i think it is true it's beautiful i still love it yeah as a place to like um that was i think she built that before i knew her well i'm gonna have a party this summer and invite both of you it's time you reconnected oh wait you're married yeah absolutely in fact well you know i was gonna say relating to stand-up you know what i've been doing since the pandemic is how do you describe the
Trade you. Yeah. That sounds like a conversation I would have had at 19. What did you do with that one? Exactly. I smoked it.
No, I don't smoke.
So don't fucking look at me like, how dare you question what we in the white coats are saying, because when have we ever gotten one wrong? A lot. You get it wrong a lot. So no, I don't take anything you say at face value. And I'm just not going to march to whatever you say, because you are the science. Yeah, I think, I think. Damn it, Tom, you've got me all riled up about your balls.
You two must be close. We were having a lot of fun, though. To be able to be together all day long in a camper. It's going well. No, I'm not doubting it or wishing it.
No, I get it. She didn't go. She didn't leave yet.
What is it that you think allows one person to be so... easy on your just vibe that you can be around them all the time because a lot of i feel like you know success in a relationship is that can you just be around somebody yeah and feel almost as calm as you do when you're alone yeah you don't fart yeah not that i try not not that no not that comfortable are we agreed
Okay. Well, the only fart that ever should happen in your mutual space, I believe, is an inadvertent fart. Yeah. Yeah. The way you're like, yes, of course. I'm trying to think whether I agree with that. You can't help it. It's like a nocturnal.
Oh, my God. You drink coffee? I do, but not in the middle of nothing in the morning.
You know what it is? Flora and fauna. We're at different stages of life. Not that I would do it at 53 either. Right, right.
You're just not a... No, I want a comfortable... Have you ever been camping? I want a comfortable bathroom.
A comfortable bathroom. Okay. I think after a comfortable bathroom, you get the... It's just like... Have you ever slept in a tent?
I did not sleep in a tent, but I once slept in a hammock. Okay. You'll never guess where. Oh. On Frankie Valli's tour bus.
What year would that have been? That would have been 1982.
Are you familiar with Wolf Trap in Washington, D.C.? Okay, no, I don't know that. No, Wolf Trap is very famous.
A lawn, you know, seating and then a lawn. It's a big summer.
Unless you're playing like stadiums. Yeah, yeah. Everybody will, nobody turns their nose up at Wolf Trap in the summer. That's cool. You know, James Taylor with Jackson Brown. Right, right, right. Wolf Trapper. Yeah. So that was one.
I love nature. I do. I live amid nature. I feel like, that's one reason I don't need to do that is because I feel like I see a lot of greenery And stuff that isn't urban every day. Yeah. Because you burned your house down.
I did not burn the house down. Well, there's just too many people in America with time on their hands, and they also have access to the Internet. So if they can just start some shit for no reason because it entered their mind, they will do it.
You asked me about, I don't know how long it would be, six hours or maybe 20 minutes. It could be the one. But at some point you asked me about... Something that is frustrating, which is you said, what about when they take like clips?
Because you lose control over, you know. It's amazing when you are somebody who's in the middle like me. And not in the middle like in an ambi-pambi way. And it's just like, yeah, I'm a proud old school liberal. But no, I'm not going to go along on the crazy train to Nonsenseville. So when you're in there, what were you talking about? It was so important to me.
Oh, good. Now we're both too fucking high to remember what the conversation was about.
I don't know, but, you know, if this is what Alzheimer's is like, it's not that bad.
Yes. Doing a television show. We were talking about clips.
Good for you. Good for you.
Yeah. Because it is very frustrating that when you're in the middle, that's what I was saying, and over the course of an hour of real time, you can take- three or four great clips for you on Fox News and show them where I'm calling the left out on their bullshit or occasionally saying, yeah. you know, this is not the stupidest idea I ever heard of.
Yeah, what are you mixing it with? This is an interesting concoction. First, we, of course, have ice. Would you like to pour your own ice? I don't want to put my hand in.
And then you can do the same thing on the left-wing stations. If you want to make me look good to your audience, you can show all the times I'm excoriating Donald Trump and calling out that administration and that list of things I hate. Or if you hate me on Twitter, liberal media, just show the ones where I'm saying the things that the Fox News crowd likes. So I can't, like, watch the whole show.
And people just want to hear what they already believe fed back to them. So if you already believe on the left that I'm some sort of red-pilled person who's now become a conservative, you can be fed things where all you see me doing is saying, yeah, I don't hate this. Let's get rid of the penny or whatever it is. Right, right.
And then you can do it, you can manipulate, and they do, because that's what feeds their kitty. They want those same eyeballs coming back to them. So, you know, it's a lonely place in the middle. It can be a lonely place. Yeah. Fuck them. I don't care.
I was canceled when it was like literal. Right. We're actually canceling you.
No. And also, I mean, things like people had been fired on television.
Well, I mean, that was, okay, so I moved in here January of 2008. Which is actually the, you know, 2000 is still, I think, technically the last century. I think the first year of the 21st century. So we're literally days into the 21st century.
Which is a little, could be something if you were the kind of person who believed in spooky stuff. Okay. So I move in here January and you're already here. And then the house burns down. And then 9-11 happens. I'm wondering, maybe it's you, Tom. No? Is that a crazy theory?
It literally goes back to... I don't remember it being that great. I know, but... Reagan, Reagan, Reagan. It goes through periods. I mean, the period when you were a formative youth... Yeah. You're right. It was, they were always at each other's throats, but there was a civility to it. And also they both played by the rules. That's exactly what I was asking.
I mean, in 2000, Al Gore lost or didn't. There was a lot of shenanigans. They talk about shenanigans with Trump in 2020. There was no shenanigans. In 2020. No shenanigans. I could quote all the people who were involved, the election commission, many of his own appointees. It was one of the smoothest, fairest, most, they had their eyes on it for good reason. There were hanging chads.
Hanging chads. Was that Gore Bush? Hanging chads. The secretary of state was a Republican in the state of Florida. The governor was Jeb Bush, the guy's brother.
Whatever it was. You know what? The truth is Al Gore and Bush, they played to a tie.
Cooking with liquor, I'm going to call it. I mean, it's different. Okay, so then we add... This is Jing... And this is because I'm a health nut. I love this stuff. It's a way to make sparkling water into a diet soda without any of the chemicals that are in diet soda. Okay, okay.
And then it was like, okay, the Republicans had the Supreme Court and that was it. And Al Gore said, yeah, you know what? I got robbed, but for the good of the team. That's gone with Trump.
And that's why the people who think, oh, Bill, you're so clear-eyed about the problems on the left. Yeah, I am. But I'm not coming over to your side. That's so much worse that you guys will not acknowledge when you lose an election. That is a non-negotiable with me. We can't talk about it. That's it. That's the essence of the country.
So I'm moving to Canada is what I'm saying. By the way. We'd love to have you, Bill. My girl, Chris Jafreeland, and I say my girl like I'm really close and I'm not.
No. But she used to be on Real Time.
And now she's going to be the prime minister.
She was always great on the show.
Is that. Is that. She was a minister. I forget what department. She was very important. Finance. In the Trudeau government. And then quit. Yeah. And said she basically didn't believe in him anymore. And that.
That to me is the woke versus liberal debate in Canada. The one I'm having here.
Okay, I'm her. Do you think she could be the next?
I wanted to start that way. When I got to Cornell, what you're describing... I wanted to get on the college radio and be the college funny prankster. I thought that was going to be my first entree.
But not even the stuff that's in the non-sugar ones, which are still chemical.
It was the easiest way to get into broadcasting, though, was through radio, right? No, I mean, I'm telling you, this is very evocative for me to hear you talk about it. Because when I went off to Cornell, I had already wanted to be a comedian for 10 years. I just kept it inside. So now I'm away from home. I really wanted to be in New York.
like hanging out at the clubs, but I got to go to college first. And I thought, yeah, that's it. And I remember practicing, like in my room, like to be, say things like pre, you know, pre-ad-libs. Right, right. That I could say.
And I never even got the nerve to go audition
I was a shy person. I was very, very shy as a teenager, a kid as a teenager, into college.
Yes, and then we add the sparkling water. Now, there are some health nuts, real nuts, and anyone who is more to the left than me is nuts, of course. who don't even think sparkling water is good for you. But you know what?
How does that decision get made? The first time I ever got on stage was in high school. I emceed the talent show, and it was so exhilarating to get laughs that I was hooked like a drug, like a drug I've never had since.
And the next time I got up on stage was at Cornell. They had poetry readings on Thursday afternoon in the Temple of Zeus coffee shop. And I got up there when people are doing poems. Wow. And I tried to do material.
Well, it was like a top 10 list.
Well, then, I mean, all the time I was in college, I was sort of like, why am I here learning about Homer when I should be, like, in New York?
I studied all the liberal arts stuff. I got an English degree. major degree, but history, English, classics. I love mine. The education they gave me at Cornell, I cannot front. Awesome. And I am a different person because of it. One who can survive in a cocktail party with anybody. Not dominate, but survive and not be laughed out of the room with any group of, except astrophysicists, not science.
He's just a fun guy. Not only when you see him on my show or any show, but I've been with him at Seth MacFarlane's parties. He's just a great guy to hang with. He doesn't always want to talk about astrophysics. He would like actually a break from that, I think. But people...
I mean, it's like seeing Rocky and wanting to punch him in the jaw.
That's it. Who else are you going to throw that question to? I see an asteroid is heading toward Earth.
I said, I see an asteroid is headed toward Earth.
I can't even remember why. I'm sure, you know, is anything as good as clear mountain water? No. But we got none of that here. What we got is liquor and a good time.
Seven years, actually, Tom.
I'm torn between trying to survive and kissing my ass goodbye.
If it's going to hit and wipe out all life on Earth, I want it to hit me right in the head. Right, right. Please make it a direct hit. I want to be part of the cleanup committee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, why do you think they're so exasperated by this? Because...
I assume it's the same reason why the dinosaurs were wiped out, because it's not the asteroid itself that's going to dent the Earth so bad.
Underground comedy. There'd be stuff to do. Literally underground comedy.
I'm telling you, it hasn't changed at all.
What's fun is that I wouldn't be here with you without it, which is a shame because I'm having such a great time. I always liked you. I mean, I was disappointed we never got to be friendlier when you were the neighbor. I always thought you were just an innovator. And, you know... So that's what's great about a podcast is that it's like you can summons people.
Now, they don't have to answer the summons.
But it's like, I would like to talk to you.
There's like, there's... Yeah, we got, we have to, I mean, you know, look, I'm trying to make it the least likely, the least like a studio.
Yeah. But yeah, there has to be cameras and people operating them somewhere, I assume. I don't get involved with the details.
David Letterman didn't come along until 1982. That's what I say.
I mean, the people, well, Jack Parr was before my time.
But, I mean, have you gone back and looked at his work? All I know about Jack Parr, no, I really haven't. All I know about Jack Parr is that my parents spoke well of him. Yeah, yeah. But my parents are sophisticated.
And then it was Steve Allen after that. It's amazing that he had to have that revelation.
Well, I hope you're engaged to your fiance. Because other than that, it doesn't look like much of a commitment. Yeah. No, but I saw you on the front page of the New York Times, Arts and Leadership. Wasn't that something, huh? I was like, wow, this guy is iconic. He always reinvents himself. The public never doesn't want to read about him or see him in whatever new iteration he's in.
Correct. Jack Parr, I know, was 57 to 62. So I was a toddler.
Well, first of all, the country was so different. The people were... Johnny Carson also used to do an author every night. An author?
Can you imagine an author? Was the show 90 minutes at one point? Yes, it was 90 minutes at one point.
Yeah. The country was different. And so the talk show hosts reflected that. Johnny Carson himself, as great as he was, wouldn't survive today. Too slow. Attention spans are different. People's just with the phone and the pace of things and the depth of understanding. No, you can't do the show he did. And that was just into the early 90s.
You know, then Jay Leno was the right guy for the right time.
It is interesting. It is sort of like a royal family position in the country. That's American. The talk show person who... Yeah. And, you know, it's a reflection of where I think... Well, it was where the middle was. I mean, Johnny and Letterman and Leno, they were in the middle. Now talk shows are just, all of them are very far left.
Not to say I wouldn't agree with them on most of those issues, but they do not attempt to to please anybody except the people who are already voting for Kamala Harris. If you're not voting for her, you are not gonna feel welcome watching this. You're not going to feel welcome watching Saturday Night Live. Exactly.
Oh, well, that is, yes. I mean, and Leno and Carson, and Letterman did jokes about what was going on politically also, but they found a way to do it in a way that wasn't obvious where their feelings were. And there was plenty to be made, as there always is on both sides. But that's not where we are now.
Well, it starts with Fox News. That's the beginning of the problem. There was no such thing as Fox News like a right-wing media. Every media organization tried to be down the middle. That's why Leno and Letterman And Carson tried to be... About being a non-biased observer. You're not saying to one half of the country, don't even bother.
I mean, twice when Trump won, Saturday Night Live did not do an opening sketch. They had a fucking dirge. Now, they just had their big 50th anniversary. Look, Lorne Michaels, I don't know him. Never worked for him. Canadian. But... Yeah, Canadian, yes.
And he's the biggest Canadian. Because literally, nobody even comes close to the effect this guy has had on comedy for a half a century. I mean, it would be easier to name the comedy movie stars who weren't... coming through the Saturday Night Live factory. I mean, not to mention the several late night franchises, just the stamp on the industry. Yeah, it's unbelievable. Is just enormous.
He's a real artist. You are. I mean, when I think of like... when you first blew up and you were like one of those rare rock star comedians, really, cover Rolling Stone type stuff.
But to have a dirge, okay, so I'm reading this article about him, and he says, I said to the cast, and maybe this is in the early days, you know, we're playing to all 50 states. Well, you're not anymore. or at least not all people in 50 states. Trump wins, like I didn't vote for him either, but I wouldn't do a fucking funeral, like where the cast is there somberly, oh, we're here.
Yeah, it's still America. You're fine. Most people will be fine. Yes, there's a lot of shit I don't like. I've got a whole hate list. But this is how America voted. America, I thought you loved democracy, but you can't do a sketch. You can't be funny. You have to tell us how in mourning you are. That shit leaves me cold.
They won the election, and you're a comedy show, and the left is so far from perfect.
Yeah, but that's not what's political about it.
Because I guess I think it began with Fox News. Right, exactly. And then I think they politicized news.
Fox News would say.
Fox News would say, not without some merit. That it was necessary to have a right-wing media organization because the majority of the media had gone so far left and was in the pocket of the left. Now, there is some truth to that. Okay. It got crazy worse, but this is not how it was then. But just as an example, there was a whistleblower at NPR last year, a guy who worked there.
I think his name was Uri Berliner. Okay. And- He just didn't like the fact that you were squelched if you tried to present anything other than the super, super duper far woke left point of view on NPR. So it comes out that of the 87 top managers at NPR, the number who voted Democratic was 87. Now, even if you're a Democrat, That's not a good thing. No, no. That's when you have, that's incest.
No, but, you know, it makes sense because in life you do go through passages. You aren't the same person you are at 22. Yeah.
That's intellectual incest. And you know what incest produces.
So this is what happens. Well, yeah. I mean, the media definitely has an enormous effect on, how the country's mores change, often for good. Gay marriage would never have happened if Americans didn't see gay people in sitcoms acting like regular people, not horrible people, and people you love. And TV, and that was a great thing. That happened after cable, too, you'd say?
Yeah, network show, yeah. And I'm sure there were other shows. And, you know, I mean, when I was a child... It was a scandal because at the end of a duet in the late 60s, Harry Belafonte, a black man, planted, I think, a little kiss on the cheek of a white girl and lost all the southern affiliates.
Okay, and then at some point, Tom Cruise kissed Thandie Newton in a mainstream movie.
I thought you were going to say first lover. No, no, no.
Well, I couldn't help but notice you fall naturally into that role. You're doing more interviewing than I am. I'm sitting here stoned. You're the guy who's like, and I love it. I mean, I'm more than happy to go either way. But you have this natural inclination. It's great. It's like a curiosity thing.
I do not have a barn, if you mean some place where I keep hay and horses. Do you have any animals?
Yes, dogs. How many dogs do you have?
I mean, one of them's got to be 1,000. I don't know. I mean, I've had him since 2010, and he wasn't a puppy then.
Do you know what kind of dog it is? That's him as Kid Rock. Oh, like a chihuahua kind of dog? Yeah, he looks like a chihuahua. He's not. It's a little dog? He's a half.
No, no. Or small dogs? No, and then Chula is half German Shepherd. Half pit bull, you'd never guess. It looks like a German shepherd, but not as big.
Oh, fuck no. They're 1,000 years old. One of them is blind. It takes a million years just to get up.
Well, again, Chico, I'm guessing, was about two when I had them.
I mean, Chico just stands in the middle of the drive. The reason why he's alive... Unlike the other one, who never moves, because she's blind, I can't blame her. But it's because Chico takes his job very seriously as a guard dog. So he stands in the middle of the driveway at night and just barks at nothing. He just preemptively wants to tell everybody, don't fuck with me. I'm Chico. I'm here.
I'm in the middle of this driveway. I've got one eye. And I can bite. And I will bite. Right? He'll bite me.
No, no. Chico takes his job very seriously. And that's what keeps him young.
Or he's not young. It keeps him alive. I don't know if he's still alive. But I'm glad he is.
Yeah. I mean, I worry about them like that because, you know, I buried right like maybe 25 feet that way from this building up that hill is my dog graveyard. And there's five graves there. Oh, wow. Yeah. You know, and I personally dug all of them. Because I found it to be a very cathartic experience to dig the grave yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did one in a howling rainstorm.
It was so therapeutic. Do you... With the tears rolling down my cheeks, mixing with the rain.
Horse, half donkey?
You'll appreciate this from apropos to our discussion there about people in the middle and all that shit. But I quoted this lady I read recently. I read a story in the Free Press last year, and she had lived in New York with her husband, exactly what you would think of as like a left-wing liberal couple in Brooklyn. Okay. Not bad people. Again, I would probably agree with them on most issues.
They decide to move up to the country, just like you did, but this is upstate New York.
Okay, yeah. Ithaca, New York. Yeah, yeah. Ithaca, New York is like outside of Cornell.
You'd think you were in Alabama.
I mean shacks and like meth, that kind of stuff.
Like as soon as you get out of New York.
I'm not saying this in a put-down way. No, no, no.
Appalachia, which stretches over, I think, seven or eight states.
I think there's definitely meth. If I can believe what I saw.
Did you ever see Winter's Bone? Mm-mm. Really great movie. Jennifer Lawrence's first movie before she was known. Okay, cool. And it's about life in West Virginia, Appalachia, and meth, and everybody. It does not have a false note, and I say that as someone who would not know what a false note was in a movie about West Virginia, because I don't know about that area, but it just seems very true.
Anyway, so why were we talking about that?
Yeah, why did we get on to, like, meth in West Virginia?
Well, that's one drug I... Have you done meth?
They started all that. Well, the Beatles had split up by this time. They got the ball rolling and all that, though. They mainstreamed mass and this stuff. Now, this is mid-'70s. The Beatles and John Lennon hadn't even appeared in... like three years.
Zeppelin was huge in the 70s, yeah. And what were you, were you listening to Zeppelin? I was listening to Zeppelin, Jackson Browne. Okay. Those were my two big ones, big go-tos.
Yeah, we were still into vinyl, sure.
Yeah, I don't miss that at all. You really don't? No. I have my vinyl collection, though. Yeah. And kids see it and they just flip.
No. That's probably why you don't.
I don't want to bore people. I'm always talking about my love of the iPod. There are advantages to the iPod that I insist.
You have the actual device still? Yes, with the circle.
What's odd to me about the whole thing is that donkeys and horses fuck because the definition of a species usually is
And also... Right? Yeah. I don't think if you're on a streaming service, I think not every artist is licensed to every service. So I don't think you can have every song you actually want. I mean, can I get all 4,000 songs on one service? I know what I can't do is edit the beginning or end of a song, which I can do on an iPod.
Because it's on your computer.
And all you got to do is go to options. And many songs need the beginning or end clipped.
There's people's phone machine messages on some of those songs.
There's people talking to a live audience for two minutes and telling the same story I want to hear a million times. There's applause at the end. Or yes, sometimes musicians do make mistakes and they just put 30 or 40 seconds of some sort of ambient bullshit that's supposed to set up the song, but it doesn't.
It will become, well, it's not a pet peeve.
To listen to the beginning or end of that.
creatures that will only fuck creatures that are in like you know leopards don't fuck tigers right yeah although you'd think if you're horny one night yeah you'd be like okay i was looking for a tiger but i mean is it that different but they but they don't it's generally the male donkey
I'm just fucking around. I know. It is funny to picture you actually sitting down. But I'm not going to let you get away with it. Okay, okay. The pretending that what I'm taking off is because I'm just some sort of nut who's only like a hook junkie. Just give me the middle 30 seconds of that song where they go, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I'm cutting off actual bullshit. Right.
I'm cutting off the fat off this steak that I don't want to eat.
And that's why I'm not most people.
It takes two seconds.
It takes 30 seconds. Yeah, that's cool.
Maybe you can do this on a playlist in Spotify or Pandora or whatever the fuck. Maybe you can do this, so just don't write me letters if you can. But with the iPod, you put it on shuffle. No, with the iPod, you can mark also songs as skip when shuffling. So in other words, of my 4,200 songs, I don't want to hear Christmas music, Unshuffle.
And there's other stuff I have in there, you know, yoga music. So I marked all those. Or even particular songs in general, specific songs. I mean, yeah. I don't want just like upbeat songs, ballads. No. But like comedy record? No. That's not going to come up on Shuffle.
It's music. Some of it might be slow. Some of it might be strong. I love putting it on Shuffle. Frank Sinatra comes up and then Tupac.
Not the old iPod in the car, but you can get this music of your... Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, it is.
And now this is, you're going to say, is not rational, and it probably isn't, but I also believe that my iPod on shuffle does speak to me. Like there are messages that come through with the songs that it's picking on shuffle. I mean, it's just, there are too many times. This is a bit nutty, but no.
I think the Lord works in mysterious ways.
It's so specific. Like it really is. Yeah. Wow. Like I'll be thinking about a song for a certain reason and then it'll play the first thing up on the show. I mean, it's just, it's...
Not up until that minute, but I don't.
So, in fact, I'm not even sure what it means.
It does rhyme. Right, right, right. I'm just saying, I'm just reporting. I'm not making any judgments or conclusions. I'm just saying the iPod shuffle does speak to me. It just suggests things through the music that it could not possibly have known. We didn't arrange anything. I've never met this magician before. It just does it. It just does it.
And I'm not saying this is a reason why they shouldn't, you know, make it so that I can't use my iPod. But I do worry about Apple someday just making it so it just doesn't exist at all. Because, you know, you have to, what I like about it is you can edit all this stuff like on your computer.
But then you have to put the iPod in the dock to transfer from the computer. Right. I mean, they could cut that off at any time.
I mean, they've already... Are they MP3s still? No, I don't know what it is, but I mean, I can't do it.
But at some point... i did have to you know get a super duper computer expert to um undo something apple had changed with the ipod so your ipod wasn't working for a second it would not wow yeah it would not re uh in you know yeah sure sure yeah it's it's uh i'm i'm because i'm it's i'm misowning the music in a tangible way right where it just doesn't
I like the fact that I have the music I have and they can't change it because you see they do change songs because woke Canadian assholes, for example, are the type of people who don't believe in free speech like they don't anymore in Germany or England. And so they will change songs.
Yeah, well, you've got to fight for it. We can say whatever we want up there. Okay, I hope so. I think it's a little overblown.
No, it's not Canada, but England has arrested people for opinions on the internet, and I'm not down with that.
Yeah, well, just because something's in a charter, I mean, we have it too, and Trump is threatening that, and sometimes the left is threatening that too.
You don't know what free speech is then. You don't know. That's not what free speech is. That's the definition of not free speech. Like what everybody thinks. Not everybody thinks the same. The Supreme Court ruled in our country that the Nazis...
could march in Skokie, Illinois, which they were marching in because it is a community of a lot of Holocaust survivors, many of whom were still alive at the time. And the Supreme Court said, as abhorrent as that is, that is what free speech is about. Anybody can defend the speech that we all like, but sometimes it changes what people like. And you just don't want to be limited that way.
Now, if you are literally inciting violence or kiddie porn or something like that, yes, there are things and they're already illegal. But it gets very dangerous in my view.
Yeah. Well, you say you weren't there, but I've certainly seen, in enough movies. and that's where I know everything I know about farming from, where someone has to assist the horse in the sexual act.
Well, that was different. They didn't ban it, but I mean, they were- Well, actually, they passed a law to ban it. And Trump, who's king now, just said, I'm undoing that.
I mean, it probably helped in getting him elected.
Well, you know what your old boss is so good at? He's so good at picking off little constituencies. Like he got it. Oh, TikTok. Kids love TikTok. What do I care? I'll say TikTok's legal now. He picks RFK. He's like, you know, I don't know if this guy's a nut, but you know what? He's got a constituency, which he does. Like people who want to make America healthy again.
RFK combines like people from the left and people from the right. People, libertarian types from the right and super healthy moms from the left. who wanna have raw goat milk and don't want their kids to have unnecessary vaccines. So Trump's like, oh, I'll pick off him. I mean, he's gonna pardon this guy who was running a internet website, he's in jail, that was like all the nastiest shit.
And Trump's like, well, No, it doesn't hurt me if I – and he'll get like a million because this guy's got like a million faithful followers.
Millions. He's genius at doing that. Like picking off these little constituency where it doesn't hurt him.
He pardons rappers.
I do not know his music, and that's all on me. Why? Is he really great?
What do you listen to when you're out on the tractor?
There is a town in North Ontario.
I live in North Ontario.
Even if it's just two horses. They want, of course, the horses to mate because they want a pony. And who doesn't want a pony for your birthday? But they have to... lubricate sometimes the horse.
Calming something that's gonna calm me down, you know, but when you get done with this RV trip that you're on Yeah, it's sort of yeah.
We're just I'm heading back up to Canada to you guys stay put for a while Yeah, I'm touring doing stand-up. So I'll be going out doing shows and and we're what do you when you're on the road like so how many do you do like a bunch in a row and
Well, I don't know what you thought this program was, Mr. Green, but it's a family show, and we don't like intimation.
You know, they didn't tell me to watch it, but I'm anxious to see it. Yeah, it's fun. I should have seen it already. I'm sorry.
That was Larry King's. thing always like he would do very little crap and he'd be like hey I want to be the guy who wants to know if I know why am I asking you know I was Larry's
So I'm a new farmer, so I don't know everything. Well, I'm saying this is in your future. You're going to have to learn to jerk off a horse.
But no, because we got real gigs. But like, you know, Russian TV, I'm not going to hang on on Russian TV.
And I'm not going on that one of those celebrities, you know, go in the jungle.
I forgot about Freddy Got Fingered.
Well, Jordan is sat there. Have you had Wayne on yet? Wayne Gretzky? Yeah. I know he's a hockey player. I never followed hockey. The great one, the great one. Yeah. Why, is he a big right winger?
Are you happier now that you're in Canada?
Is it something you couldn't have done unless you got, were getting engaged? I mean, it's a very different thing to move alone to someplace.
No kids, no. So do you think you're going to start a family now? I would like to, yeah. And what will you tell your kids you do? Because certainly you're not going to admit to being Tom Green. I mean, that certainly... I'll show them the documentary. Not until they're like 20. Yeah, exactly.
What was the controversy with that? I forget. I remember it was a very big, they wrote about it a lot.
Well, I don't know what you thought this program was, Mr. Green, but it's a family show. Who's the biggest election counselor than Donald Trump?
You should have read your horoscope that week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mercury was in retrograde or some shit like that.
There's even new evidence in the last couple of hours that, you lead the conversation. You tell me how deep you want to go on it.
Well, but, sorry to interrupt.
No, I don't agree. No? I think people might think they are. There's a book of the Bible I think you'd love. What? Song of Solomon. Song of Solomon. Of course we sold Zinesh. Song of Solomon's all about sex.
But you are allowed to deport under the Alien Enemies Act. Correct. Someone who is part of a recognized terrorist organization, which MS-13 is pretty close to a terrorist organization.
And he's not an American citizen. We've got to acknowledge that. No, absolutely not. So that's important. But he wasn't here illegally either. No, he was. Illegally. The Maryland man. As long as we're not talking about two different cases.
Garcia, yes. He was an illegal immigrant to the country.
It's an edge case. I acknowledge it's on the edge. Okay, good. No, but the edge is, so there's three ways you can deport people. It could be the Alien Enemies Act of 1798. It can be expedited. Used only three times. That's fine, but hey, look, you quote the First Amendment all the time. That's from 1787, right? So old things are important.
Fair enough, but just because things are old doesn't mean—and I'm not saying you're using that talking point, but some people are trying to invalidate it just because it's old. It's also expedited release. They're trying to invalidate it because it doesn't really apply to this, that it's stretching it. I mean, how is MS-13 not a terrorist organization? I mean— Yeah, you can make that.
Or Trende Aragua.
I am here. Kirk, reporting for duty. That's what they call me. How are you? Nice to meet you. Thanks for having us.
And there's real Americans that die. I mean, Rachel Moore and Lake and Riley. There's real, I mean, Jocelyn. Well, probably not at greater rates than are killed by regular Americans. That's debated, but let's just put that aside. They shouldn't be here. And so none of those murders should happen, right?
And so anyway, back to the core question, does the president have the ability to remove illegals that have come here under an enemy gang? Of course he does. He has the power given to him by that law.
He was a legend.
No, it's true. We have different jihadis that want to kill me, the purple-haired jihadis, the woke guys. Well, they want to kill me just as bad. Oh, they really do. No, you've been very outspoken on the woke stuff.
Yeah, Muslim, actually. You're married? Yes. How long have you been married? It will be four years in May. Wow. And kids? Two kids, yeah. Two kids already? Yeah. Oh, we got to work.
You should see my movie, Religion. I actually saw it. Oh, really? And to your credit, what you did on Islam was awesome. The other one's not so much. Correct. Secondly, so if you just isolate the Islamic part. But it was funny. Secondly, to your credit, you treated woke like a religion.
And you criticized them with the same... intensity and ferocity you did, and you deserve a lot of credit for that. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. No, I mean that because you looked at it as this has a catechism, it has religious-type undercurrents, it has almost a metaphysical presence to itself, and so you're an equal opportunity critic.
No, but at least he acknowledged that there was something profound there. Got to give him credit for that. I could even acknowledge that. Okay, that's good. I'm glad to hear you say that.
What do you think would create a better society or better action? People that think that there is an afterlife based on how you act or people that think there isn't one?
Sure. It could also make you blow up Oklahoma City too.
Are you at all worried that when a nation becomes too secular— It might not know what it believes. There's no cultural cohesion. There's no glue that keeps it together. Yeah, but this isn't that nation. This isn't secular. This is a bunch of fucking religious freaks. It's increasingly secular, though.
I'm trying. I appreciate it. You are quite the evangelist for your cause of no afterlife and no creator.
That's the most important question.
I'm sure, you know, people have— But something in you probably hopes that, I don't know, Hitler gets ultimate judgment or the most evil things, right? Something in you wants to see your loved ones. I don't think about Hitler. No, but there's got to be a desire somewhere. A lot of people just think about Hitler. What, Stalin, Mao?
Fair enough. That there is a desire that there's something beyond this that is just. Okay.
I was going to ask, is it because they thought you were one of them?
Ask an AIDS baby. Bill, that's why when you say, hey, I'm happy here, there's a lot of suffering on earth too. And that's the Christian argument.
It's the hardest. For any kind of non-thinking. Admittedly, it's the hardest. We as Christians have to explain unjust suffering. Atheists have to explain everything else. How do you explain it? We don't. It's hard. It's a mystery. We can say God works in mysterious ways. We can say original sin. However, we don't have to explain creation or the miracle of life or love or justice.
It's the liberals who have... So they've left you, not you left them.
You can't offend me. Trust me. I mean that. So you could be as crude or as blunt. I mean that.
And so is there any part of the Bible you think is true? Well, true. No, it's an important question, meaning like when they were documenting King David, like was King David a real figure?
So Jesus was a real person?
It really is not. Like take Paul. We both agree Paul was legit and a real person. Paul was a Jew, persecuted Jews, and then had his road to Damascus moment. Why would he do that? except for the fact that he's crazy or like delusional. What incentive would Paul have to do that? Rich, ruling class, gave up everything.
Race obsession.
And respectfully, go ahead.
I appreciate you saying that. No, I mean, have you seen me go to college campuses? There's nothing that can fade.
Interestingly, ironically, I have the same struggle. I don't know how somebody as intelligent as you, and I'm not trying to offend you.
No, hold on. Time out. Hold on. All of that takes faith, I acknowledge, but that all of the fine-tuning of our universe, if any of those fine-tunings were off, a famous... A famous scientist said to believe that the universe and the earth in its current composition was an act of randomness would believe that a hurricane would go through a junkyard and assemble a 737 flight ready Boeing.
Okay, that's fine. But there are so many fine tuning aspects to our existence that I think defy the the idea that this is all randomness and all chance. You know that's not logical.
So the teleological view, not the cosmological view, is that all of these fine tunings, when layered up one after the other, It defies, I think, reason to think that this is just a roll of the dice. That when you see a baby come into the world, when you see how we naturally heal, when you even consciousness itself, I think is a pretty miraculous thing. To think that's all just...
a bunch of happy accidents, I think it's more rational to think that that's a byproduct of design.
All the evil of our world.
So that's a separate question, though, of whether or not there is something behind our existence. I mean, so we believe that the universe started with a Big Bang. Do you agree with that?
Can I ask a question? Ow! But you even acknowledge, though, that some people act better if they feel as if they'll be judged eternally. Totally. Okay, no, that's a big admission. Oh, yes. How do you think society best determines what is good?
We're going to get along great. This is going to just be perfect.
Do you think, even as an atheist, the Ten Commandments, the right side of the Ten Commandments is a good place to start? The right side? Well, because the left side, I think you'd have a big problem, right?
You know, I mean, I guess I'm testing them. Hold on, but no, it's, again, I'm not offendable on this, but I think you could have, I know you made fun of it religiously, but there's something beautiful about not working for a day. No, I mean like honoring the Sabbath.
Well, the Sabbath. No, I mean the Sabbath is... But slowing down and saying that we're not going to toil for a day.
If it's intrinsic, then why is it that a lot of countries that don't have Christianity struggle to come to these realizations? that, for example, you know, communist China. Again, no Hitler analogies, right? Under Mao, which was resolutely atheist, right? Resolutely. Yeah, I mean. Well, no.
I think you can get as drunk as you'd like. And you're that kind of an American, right? Yes, of course. You're not forcing your opinions as... I'm not here to say you can't. What are you talking about? No, okay. So you think pot should be legal? That's a complicated, I have a very unpopular view on pot. You know, can I tell you my case on pot? Please do.
That's more improbable than a virgin birth.
But there is a In China, at least, and of course, in the Soviet Union, there was a anti-Christian movement. Very hard. Very hardcore. Okay. So I guess like what code, and I'm not saying this sarcastically, like what code, what book do you think is best for humanity to live by? I say the Bible. What would you say? No, it's an important philosophical question. I have a book called Not the Bible.
I'm not kidding. So not loving your neighbor and not like, you know, helping them. No, no. There's a lot of good stuff there.
Let me tell you why I'm asking.
Come on, Charlie. The story of the Bible is one of love and redemption. There's a lot in the Bible. It is. It's a story of love. The Old Testament? Well, the entire arc of the Bible is a story of love and a need for human's redemption.
There is a lot in the Bible. It wasn't written by God, right? There's a book of the Bible I think you'd love. What? Song of Solomon.
Song of Solomon's all about sex. I know. It is? Yeah. Quote it. I can't. It's not appropriate. What? No, it's... It's too dirty for a podcast? It literally is about how a husband and wife can grow intimate to one another and...
Oh, I'm telling you, the Bible has wisdom in ways you might never imagine, Bill. But no, what I'm getting at, though, is that this is not a gotcha or sarcasm. I mean this. Like, humanity will seek to find a book. They'll seek to find a code to live by. And I think it's incumbent on atheists to tell us what that should be.
Seek to know. That's Aristotle's first...
I don't have an answer.
I think it's a little deeper than that, but it is. I mean, it is deeper. Of course, it's that, hey, why are we here? Why were we created? But fair enough. I do want to know though, but like what?
But that's a big problem though. And let me pause because the Bible was the document, as you acknowledged, that our founders read and believed that built this beautiful society that you and I both love.
It's not the depression that it might be causing or the fact that it might be hurting kids' brains. It's the smell. It's the stench that drives me crazy. Yeah, it's not hurting their brains. I mean, kids shouldn't do it. Of course, kids shouldn't. It definitely didn't hurt my brain.
And I think it's treading on dangerous if we want to, A, cut our roots without an alternative, because if we cut our roots, then we get all this other counterfeit stuff of wokeism and all this postmodernist garbage. So our contention is let's go back to where we came from.
Can I interrupt? Do you doubt those of us that have had religious experiences? Do you think it's just like neurological phenomenon?
If I say that Jesus changed my life and he's gone to work in my soul.
I have to ask how much that is. There was a moment where I realized that I'm not all that I... would ever want to be, that I fall short of the glory of God's wish. When was this? When I was in fifth grade, actually.
Really? Yeah. That's when I gave my life to the Lord. You were thinking about this shit in fifth grade? Amazingly. I went to Christian school. So you don't see that as indoctrination? Well, you know, I actually went to a private school previously, but they didn't force it on us to their credit.
But let me ask, do you think that more teenagers are doing pot today or that before legalization or after legalization? Do you think usage rates are going up or down?
I mean, I still had to make the decision for myself. And there's a lot of kids that went to that school that aren't Christians anymore. By the way, I went to Catholic. I was raised Catholic. Didn't stick.
Like scorned Catholics. The ruler is like a very common thing.
I hear that from a lot of people that were raised Catholic. No, I do. I'm sorry, it's true. It's so true about the Catholic thing. I'm sorry. No, no, you're right. I didn't mean to, you know, did I do an exorcism or something?
It's an underemphasis on grace. Grace. Yeah. What is grace? It's such a vague term. So justice is getting what you deserve. Me personally? Yeah. We believe all humanity deserves damnation and judgment. Tough, tough stuff. And it started in the garden.
Oh, yeah, Ken Ham's deal. Ken Ham, yes, and we interviewed Ken. He was not happy. You've got to admit, the Ark is pretty impressive. Have you seen the Ark? They built a whole Ark there.
I don't know. I can't remember if it was before or after the Ark.
Judgment is getting what you deserve. Mercy is getting less what you deserve. Wait, wait. Mercy is getting less than what you deserve. Yeah, so we believe Jesus gives us grace. So you get a prison sentence, you get judgment. You get mercy, you get less of a prison sentence. Grace would be Jesus serving that prison sentence for you so you could live life eternally. How is he serving that?
Oh, you mean like in the big picture? Well, because we believe him living a perfect life and then suffering the death that he did on the cross was him atoning for our sins. Of course. The sins of humanity. Jesus, yeah. Which is a big claim, albeit, and a very compelling one, which we also believe one to be true, because it redeems all of humanity of our shortfalling of the glory of God.
But what it does is it is at its core a statement of human equality, that we're all sinners. We're all screwed up. We all got problems. We all got vices. And like no one, no matter what you do, we all fall short of God's standard. And Jesus makes us whole.
I'm coming full circle here. You and I both agree it's very difficult to have separation of morality and state. Correct. So my morals come from the Bible. Right. And that definitely influences my public policy decisions.
It's a little bit different than, let's just say, the Book of Deuteronomy. Oh, well, that's full of crazy shit. Oh, okay, yeah.
That's the one, but that's the... I love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. That's good.
You're going to have to ask a rabbinic Jew about that.
Do not lie with another man. Right. Yeah, that's Leviticus 19.
That's rough stuff.
Personally, you have a right to do what you would like to do personally. With another person. But I, as a Christian, do not believe that would be holy. I think it would be sinful. But that's a personal theological. I don't want to get too deep, but that's a personal theological.
Well, it was designed perfect. It's all screwed up now. Okay. No, I mean, we have disease and we have all sorts of stuff. We've got Down syndrome. We've got all sorts of problems. Well, then it wasn't designed perfect because it's screwed up. You know what we believe, though. We believe there was a rebellion and a contamination of nature. Right. That is sin.
We actually don't know it's an apple, but yes, it's inferred. Virile could have been a mango. Right. Well, you know. No, don't get me started on mangoes.
Tell me. Something about Deuteronomy. Homosexuality? Yes, homosexuality. As we're keeping it on the lighter topics.
The governor of Illinois inherited the Hyatt. Oh, sure.
Yeah, of course it does. Yes. There are instances of species in the animal kingdom that do that. Absolutely. I acknowledge this.
There's other things that happen in nature that aren't so good too. But just, yes, that's correct. Like on a par with this? No, I'm just saying, just to say that it happens in the species of the animal kingdom doesn't make it necessarily morally okay.
Again, I believe scripture is God-breathed. It's what the Bible says.
Hey, that's that's that's real privilege there. You know, you got some privilege if you can get well.
Again, Christianity just disagrees with that. So, I mean, it's the only sin that God destroyed a city over. So, I mean, and I'm not trying to be legalistic about it. It's just a fact, right? And it's explicitly prohibited in the text. By the way, so is adultery and so is stealing and so is coveting. I'm guilty of coveting. And I mean, we're all guilty of many sins.
I'm not trying to single that one out and try to be pompous. I think the phrase you're searching for is save your breath.
No, that's not true.
It's a little bit more than thinking, we would say in the interpretation of coveting. It's to the place where you become obsessed. Oh. It takes your being. No, oh, no, no.
Of course, you can't regulate every thought that you have, but coveting gets to the place where it becomes your identity of obsession. And let me tell you why, because it says do not covet a specific thing. Your neighbor's wife, your donkey. So it's like a very specific thing. So for example, if someone says, I want to be... I can't stand Bill Maher.
I want to be a comedian as successful as Bill Maher. It becomes their identity. I don't think that's good. I think it ruins your soul. I think you would agree with that, too. You know people like that. Don't give them any ideas. No, come on.
But people that are consumed with jealousy, that's what we would say coveting is. Not just like, oh, don't think of the pink elephant. I'm not here to play air traffic control on your thoughts. Right.
Right. She understands about the coveting. We have a very healthy, loyal, you know, wonderful marriage. But male nature is, that's why there had to be a prohibition on adultery.
I wouldn't go that far. How wrong is that? No, and again, good on you for being a liberal that acknowledges male-female distinctions. What a concept, right? Oh, of course.
You know, it's so funny. I joked around with my team the other day. I said, are they really going to just let us win every national election on this no men and female sports thing? Like they can't surrender on this one issue. It's so ridiculous. It's a 90-10 issue.
There's 890 medals and trophies of men winning these competitions.
I mean, you were, I think you were- I was the one that asked the question. Right. Right.
And he said issue of fairness, all that.
I don't even think you would agree with their accusations. But I just want to know what it is. They would say I'm hateful. They would say I'm a bigot. They would say that I'm a xenophobe. Those are the contentions that I get. But based on what things that you've said specifically?
I mean, I believe that transgenderism is a mental disorder, as it was, you know, diagnosed in the— So you don't think any people are, like, born, quote-unquote, in the wrong body? No, I don't agree. No? I think people might think they are born in a different body. But I believe it to be a mental disorder, as most of clinicians did up until the last five or ten years.
Or the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping case, similar. No, that's real. That's legit. Oh, the kidnapping. No, that was entrapment. So she really wasn't... No, no, that was an FBI entrapment then. Absolutely. It was. Oh, yeah. It was like five feds and two guys.
In the comments, you guys can agree or disagree.
Now I have to go vet it. Hilariously, more people that I know that are center left now say, I think Trump is not a monster because Bill Maher of what he said. On anything else. Well, I didn't exactly say that. Well, no, you said not a crazy person lives in the White House. That was what you said. Right. And you said he was respectful and gregarious. Yes.
Oh, ketamine, that has some medicinal property, but not at a party.
Those are two different things, though.
Fair enough. Let me ask you. No, I don't mean you. No, no, no, no. But would you prefer him to be crazy in private or crazy in public? I'm not saying he's crazy.
Did you sign the Bill Maher Accords? It was like the ratification of a treaty. But he signed that piece of- I thought that was hilarious.
It's like you guys were negotiating-
I thought it was terrific. Yeah, it was funny. And honestly, good for President Trump for hosting you. Right. He had the magnanimity to do that.
What your meeting, I thought, was a great window into the whole liberal world that shows the Donald Trump that I know. and that I've gotten to know, which is, and I just thought it was hilarious when he was asking you about Iran, right? He'll ask anybody about anything. He loves asking people's opinion. He listens more than he talks. Right. He'll solicit opinions.
I know it blows people's minds when we say this. Well, it also blows our minds because then he doesn't do the right thing.
Yeah, but they're, they're on way worse. I think they're on a big, big trip. So, but do you think that since we've legalized less teenagers are doing like 13, 14, 15 year olds? Cause that was always the argument, right? If we legalize it, less kids would do it. I don't know what 14-year-olds are doing. No, I don't know the answer. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Sometimes he does.
Do you think—why—what do you think about the idea— You going, here's how I would frame it. You going to meet with Trump would be the equivalent of Biden inviting me over for dinner. Yeah. Meaning like, is that fair? Absolutely. Okay, I don't want to put words in your mouth. Absolutely. Why do you think Biden or Obama wouldn't do that and Trump did?
But we can agree that kids should.
I would say doing great things, but that's a separate issue.
I know, but. You need Jesus, Bill, and he'll be more forgiving. You wouldn't have been forgiving if Obama said it. Well, so just let's be, so what did Trump, Trump said that the homegrown ones, you could also argue that if it's an illegal alien homegrown. I don't even want to get too far deep into it.
Let's just say you were, I don't think we should ever entertain American citizens going to prisons abroad. Great. Because, I mean, you're a student of American history. I try.
It sharpens your memory.
Only one of those has an afterlife.
That's a good argument. I mean, do you think that it's— I mean, you're not against porn, are you? Well, I actually once struggled with porn. Thankfully, I'm free of that. How can you struggle with it? It's so easy. Well, you could grow addicted to it. I mean, it can— I know. I was kidding. No, but I mean, yeah, I don't have that issue anymore, thankfully.
And there's a reconciliation process.
He is risen indeed, Bill. We're going to be celebrating the resurrection of our Lord.
Because it is a constant truth in our life. He is risen.
That's a really important question, actually. It is. Tell me. Well, because the fact that he is risen transcends time. It's not just in the present sense. It's that of all time, that promise is accessible to all of us. And so it's a proclamation to all people. Because if you said, hey, he was risen, it's just merely a historical event. It almost underplays the metaphysics of it.
However, but you have to acknowledge even the greatest minds of history have been mesmerized by the scriptures, Isaac Newton, Thomas Aquinas. Isaac Newton wrote more about biblical prophecy than even physics. And so there's something about the scriptures that are intellectual, that does push your limits.
And that's what I think is so beautiful about our faith is it can be accessible to everyone but also infinitely nourishing and exploration.
But I would ask the question, though, like, do you think since the legalization of marijuana in L.A., it's made it a better or worse place to live? Or just it hasn't changed at all?
95 theses that were.
Arianism, remember that? Sure, yeah, or dualism or modalism. I mean, how do we come to Trinitarianism as a whole?
He convened the Council of Nicaea.
Do you think the quality of life has gone up or down?
It needed decisions to be made because when you, our answer would be, which I don't think you'll find overly persuasive. See, I was going to do it right when you were swallowing. is that when you have something true, you have a lot of bad forces that try to pervert it. And you got, you have to, you have to be able to, you have to meet, you have to refine it, you have to clarify it.
And I mean, the idea of the Trinity was one of the most important, one of those debates. Again, you had dualism, modalism, Arianism. You had, I mean, you had Gnosticism, which was a huge debate of the early church. And, of course, it was concluded in Trinitarianism, which we would... Go ahead. It's just so much arguing about how many angels are on the head of a pin.
That's just... That wasn't the... The arguments were much more... Well, it's like... Consequential than even like... Yeah, I guess if you believe... Eschatology, right?
The big debate was like, is Christ God? That was the big one. That was the biggest of them all. And it nearly split the church in five different parts. And the idea of the Trinity was...
It's one Godhead in three parts. The Trinity is very complex. So this is what Jesus said.
Okay, so he said it's like ice. It's like water. Yeah, it's in three parts, yeah. Water, vapor, water, or ice. See, I'm glad I didn't use that one on you. You wouldn't have liked it. Well, Jesus already tried it. Did he say it in Aramaic?
No, but that's what we would say. It's the same thing in three different parts, right?
There was no Holy Ghost in the beginning. In Matthew 4, Christ is baptized, and it says the Spirit came upon him. The Father says, it's my son, and I am pleased, and he is the son. So you have all three parts of the Godhead right there.
The Spirit. It says the Spirit of the Lord came upon him. Now, it doesn't use the phrase. That sounds like the Lord. Well, then God the Father said, this is my Son in who I am pleased. So three distinct parts of the Godhead. It's the best picture of the Trinity we have. And then in the book of Acts.
Well, in the river, right? I mean, the scene, right? God the Father was there? God the Father was audible, right? Audible. Oh, so he was on Zoom. Yeah, he was phoning it in. Christ was being baptized by John the Baptizer and the Spirit of the Lord. Baptizer, John the Baptist. It's actually Baptizer, yeah.
Okay, so there are some limits.
Is that new? You got to keep up with the time. Is that new? It's a fun, wonky theological thing. Why did they change it? Because it was actually in the, again, this is like so- What's wrong with John the Baptist? It's so insignificant because it actually, in the old Greek, it was a verb. It was the Baptizer, the one. It's completely irrelevant. It doesn't matter. It's like new Coke.
Stick with what works.
It was great. John the Baptist. There's nothing wrong with John the Baptist. It's a great title. And then in Acts, it says the Spirit of the Lord came upon the disciples at Pentecost.
I've been an admirer of yours for a while. We're on different planets, obviously, on the spiritual religious stuff. But when you spoke against the woke, that for me was a proving moment. And I have to say something, and this is 100% true. You had more moral courage than pastors that I know that went along with the woke crazy train. And you deserve credit for that because it was of high cost.
And to be honest, when I go to these campuses and we're drawing these huge crowds, in some ways, we're benefiting from the ways that the old school comics would benefit on college campuses because we're saying the stuff you're not allowed to say. Like we are the rebellion type energy. They must be so thirsty for it. Of course. They're kids. Yes.
Yes, and you think about it. It's like you're a guy on a college campus at any one of these tour stops we're going to, right? Boise State, University of South Carolina, Oklahoma State University. And they are constantly in this bubble of if I say one wrong word, I could have my entire career ruined.
If I say the wrong joke, if I laugh at the wrong thing, if I use the wrong pronoun, they're living in a totalitarian environment, a cultural totalitarian one.
It is the Wuhan laboratory for the woke. I probably got it from you. I did.
It does and it doesn't. I mean, so first of all, you're right. Let's just start with our agreement. Colleges have become a place where they want everyone to look different but think the same. Their idea of diversity is like, okay, we look at the yearbook photo and everyone has race diversity.
But they all think as if they're at the Democrat National Committee meeting. There's no diversity of thought. There's no heterodox opinion. They tried to get Western civilization taught at Stanford. You know this story. Well over 15 to 20 years ago. And they removed it. They removed it from the core curriculum. Really? I'm going to be honest. These places have to be basically burned to the ground.
Metaphorically. Okay, metaphorically. Meaning like, I mean, look, you have, take Harvard. So you say the research money. First of all, they take 10% to 15% of that in overhead. Why does Harvard, with a $50 billion endowment, need $2 billion in research money? Just ask Harvard the same question. That's a hedge fund with a college attached. Right. That's not a university. Right. Right?
I mean, that's something completely different. Stanford, $40 billion endowment. Yale, $35 billion endowment. And look, some of this research is awesome. And I got to agree with you. Some of it, they should do a case-by-case basis. But a lot of it, though, is this woke stuff that would like take your breath away. I mean, research into transgender mice. I mean, it was just the U.S.
taxpayer dollars refunding that.
I stand corrected on that. Okay. But a lot of these universities have superfluous research departments that are bloated and then go raise your own money for it, is my position. If you want to go do this stuff, go raise your own money.
I want to see the body politic become Christian, but I want the Constitution to be our North Star. Not by coercion. No. Because that's not love, that's force. Okay. We as Christians believe you should voluntarily use your agency, give your life to Christ. And you think that someday we all will get on the train there? I don't know if I'm optimistic or pessimistic. I don't know. It's tough.
The church rates are going down. Right. I mean, we're seeing a little bit of a plateauing there. Your side's been winning, Bill, the last 20 years.
But like, are you cheering for those church rates to go down? Yes. You think it would make the world a better place? I do. Has it made Europe better?
But I think you could agree that there's a Christian inheritance that is unique. And that's Tom Holland's argument, who's an atheist. That's true. And that there's something we've inherited.
Yeah, Christian.
But no, if America was 81% Christian or 81% Islamic, What's a better country?
I watch your show almost every week.
Or who knows how successful you could have been without it. That's true, too. That is true, too. Do you think there's any merit to the argument that the pot has more THC and is more intense than it was 30, 40 years ago? It's so hard. I don't know. I hear these things.
Is there... Do you think all hard drugs should be illegal, like heroin? Illegal, no. I mean, well, heroin, is there any uses for it? I mean— Like for what San Francisco did, they pseudo-legalized it, right? I mean, they said, hey, we're going to make it easier for you to do heroin.
That's crazy. Where they had drug injection sites, basically, right? Yeah, that's so stupid. No, I know, but that was a public policy position of Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco. That's the low-lying fruit for you right-wingers.
I want to create a boundary. And you're right.
Let them defecate. Let them do whatever they want.
I mean, Gavin Newsom cleaned up the streets of San Francisco when Gigi Ping showed up. I mean, it's just an act of the will. They don't want to do it.
It's all that it is. And look, left—I won't even say left. Woke philosophy is they believe—they don't really believe in private property. And at its core, why shouldn't someone be able to defecate on the side of the street? Who are you to judge? Well, that's a woke yes, maybe. I'm saying woke, not even liberal. Right. I'm making that distinction, which I think is a fair distinction.
And I think left versus liberal or woke versus liberal is an important distinction. Right. I will say what makes you different is few liberals stand up to the woke. Few liberals are willing to stand up to woke. Absolutely. And few conservatives stand up to Trump. Fair enough. I mean, you can stand up or disagree, but I guess you could say the question, is Trump—Woke is an ideology.
Is Trump an ideology? I mean, he's a person. MAGA is an ideology. But I mean, I disagree with Trump on a lot of stuff. I mean, I don't think we should go to war with Iran. I think that'd be a big mistake.
Oh, so the thing he said, you mean?
To Bukele. Americans. No, and if he were to do that, I wouldn't support it. Great. But I think that is a one-liner that he gave to Bukele. I think that is, you met the man. Yes. Do you think he actually believes that, like he would do that?
Because if we don't have the honesty, we can't really, you know. Look, but also to be fair to the whole topic in general, the outrage around deportations, as we've seen, you know, these last couple of years, you know, last couple of weeks is, like, the American people voted for it. It's perfectly legal.
Well, they didn't vote for, like, disappearing people without any... So you mean that Maryland case is what you're talking about, right?
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Are you kidding?
I mean, I've said it for years. Democrats, they absolutely have to own education because that is that portfolio, their portfolio in the government. If this was a parliamentary government where you get portfolios, they wanted it, they own it. If you go to the Democratic Convention... like half the delegates are teachers. I'm like, don't quote me on that. Oh yes.
It's look, my sister's a teacher, but her whole life doing that. So I'm very supportive of teachers. And of course I've said many supportive things and meant them. And most teachers in this country are very sincere people who want to educate kids and look, you're not doing it for the money. Um,
But yes, the Democratic Party is way too beholden to the teachers' union, and the teachers' union has to answer for the fact that kids don't know anything. Forget the reading, which you shouldn't because that's super important to be able to read, which has gone down. I didn't think I'd ever see that. the actual ability to read.
But even if you could, say we get them back where they can read, what are they reading? What are you making them read? I always say this. If you gave the average high school kid an exit exam, I would like to design it. It wouldn't be ridiculously hard. Okay. Just basic shit. Okay. Like, name the seven continents. You know, what are the... How many branches of government and what are they?
Right. Hi, boss. bitch how are you i'm good i'm in my chair with it he gave me a booster seat really yeah i'm all right what's going on you look good i tried yeah yeah thanks for uh jumping in here what do you think i got like a double um i'm so uh why you're not that short i'm not short well how tall are you five two
You know, just really... What's the population of the Earth, roughly? You know, they don't... When was the Civil War? What century was the American Revolution? I mean... I just have talked to too many young people who don't seem to know anything. Knowing things. It used to be big.
Great. I hope he sticks to that because this guy is a dangerous nut. He's a dangerous nut? I like him. He's a charming guy. But as I said, he's both disarming and alarming.
Oh, I don't think you should pay. You really think we should get into paying kids?
Oh, teachers.
Yes, I wouldn't be against that, I don't think. But it's more like reestablishing standards. I mean, I did a bit on the show a couple of years ago called Bill Maher's Catholic School, which I thought was very funny because I'm such a famous atheist. But the idea of it was not wrong, which is that the only place a lot of people think
and rightly so, that their kids can get a traditional education is Catholic school. So Catholic schools have many kids in them who are not Catholic. The parents just wanted them to go there because it's the one place where they don't take any shit. You can't talk back to the teacher. You're not, you know... Just goofing off all day.
And they like actually remember that kids should know grammar and they should know... We did that pre-COVID with a school in Malibu.
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Whoa. I gotta get you out there. That's very... Yeah.
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No, I know Jackson Hole is very famous because it's like where the rich and famous and the— There's some rich people there. It's where the swells go.
Okay, but you're not in the WNBA, although I bet you'd be very welcome.
Well, Aspen is skiing. Billionaires in boots. You'll see it. Jackson Hole. There's some big conclave there every year, isn't there? Isn't that where the—
Okay, but what is it?
But what is the thing that's there? My real estate broker. No, no, no, wait. These are good people. What's there? There's a big, I think it's the, it's some media summit every year.
But it's like all the Google guys and Bezos and Zuckerberg, they're all, and the heads of the studios, they all go there. to a conclave every year. Everybody's flying in on their private jets. I'm pretty sure it's in Jackson Hole.
Oh, I'm pretty sure.
It's that kind of place. They service a lot of private jets at the Jackson Hole airport.
Well, I mean, an attractive lesbian in the WNBA?
Of course, on MSNBC right now, they're saying, yes, but in the 1950s town, there were no black people, which is also true. Which is true. But you can't stay mad at the past forever. I mean, we can acknowledge that and then say, OK, but, you know, there are also 1950s towns that had good people in it. It's just where we were. And by the way, the liberals were racists in 1952, in 1950 also.
So you don't like.
That was not racist. Black people were asking for that. Yeah, the black congressional black caucus asked for it and voted for it.
I think they'd forgive your height. They'd be like, hey, she moves the ball off court good.
Okay, but what it was supposed to do was to make black neighborhoods safer and put more cops on the street. And I'm sure it went awry like every government program does. But Joe Biden is not a racist.
But he also won one election. He won one and blew one. Come on. Who's perfect? So what? So the country's a dictatorship now. Nobody is perfect, Joe. Um, oh, he's, he's coming in for his, his trip to the woodshed these days. I mean, now that like, it's been a year, uh, since to be coming up to the year when he did the horrible debate.
Um, it's like Democrats are, they need to like park their fury someplace. And it's not like he doesn't deserve it. It's just that he was spared it for a long time. But now the The book by Jake Tapper is coming out about— Bill, Jake Tapper is the guy that told everybody he was perfectly fine.
Can I pour you something? You're a health nut, right? You don't ever drink?
Well, first of all, he's a friend of mine and not a bastard. But that is a legitimate question, which I have locked and loaded already in my mind. He's on the show this month, of course, to plug the book. And I'm definitely going to ask him that very question.
Well, it's just that the book, I mean, they announced the book like the day after the election and it was out in February. It was like, wow, like for four years we were not too interested in this subject. And then suddenly, in three months, we have a whole book about it.
And look, I bet you it actually was pretty easy to research because I bet you a lot of Democrats had kept this inside of them. So all they had to do was like, hi, it's Jake Tapper. Could you get on? Biden was such an asshole. I'm like, wait, can I get the question out? I would just... I was going to ask about the tax bill, but okay.
You know, I think everybody just had a Joe Biden poops in his pants story and they wanted to say it. But, you know, we were talking today about Trump and he did this and he did that. And I was like, first of all, you know, I'm not a Trumper. Despite the fact that we had that lovely dinner. I was going to say, I never got the actual details. Were you surprised?
I gave every detail, and that's why they fucking hated me. But I don't want to talk about that because it's already been done to death, and people are going to think, oh, I'm not obsessed with it. And nobody ever gave a shit, really. It was only like the same few chattering classes who always want to find something to argue about. I mean, to me, it's a no-brainer. Of course you go to the dinner.
How could you not? And then for me, everything is always a no-brainer. If the question is, do you lie about it? No. And then I went right back to being exactly who I was and tearing him a new asshole every week. I thought it was awesome. There's no there there.
Okay, well, keep up with me. You sound like I'm a drunk. I don't drink that much. No, no. It's like the only time of the week. Oh, oh, oh.
That's why I drink gin. Nobody did. But this is another...
And as long as you keep your integrity, which I did, that's why they have no argument. It's so funny the way when they come at me, it's just like, well, you know, the line I think that was triggering and I'm like, You're already lost with me. What you're just saying is you're emotional. You fucking woman. You were triggered.
And I mean woman like in the old 50s. Of course. Not women. In that 1950s. No black people. Not women of today. No. But like you were triggered. Okay. This argument has no purchase with me because you're just saying – and I get it. Trump drives people crazy. But he didn't drive me crazy. And he's not going to drive me crazy. They did go crazy yesterday.
Oh, I don't know.
Here's how crazy people went, as long as we are talking about this now. When I first, when I first, I mean, my boy, Kid Rock, I love, when he asked me, I said, I'll go. And I thought, oh, now we'll keep it quiet. Of course, he talked about it immediately. So then I had to like answer questions about it. And When I first got out there before I went, a number of people said to me, don't go.
Because they were afraid. Like it was that scene in Braveheart where they lure you and then lock you in and kill you. Or the end of the girl with the dragon tattoo where the guy knows he shouldn't go down in the basement. This guy seems normal. And then I got the bag over my head and I need her to come and save me. And like... Really? You think he's going to kidnap me?
It's actually literally dangerous? I mean, this guy really gets into people's minds, and I certainly understand why. It's wild. You do. And he's gotten into mine in the past, but he's not going to get there now. I am not on the page with a lot of what is going on in this country.
I understand. It's dangerous and it's unprecedented and it's un-American and it is moving toward autocracy and it ain't cool. Can you give the top issues?
Don't worry about it because today, I have to tell you something, I rarely wake up on the wrong side of the bed because I make sure I get enough sleep. You know what happened today? I'm either going to do something on the show about it, sue somebody, or like, I don't know, go mental on the highway. I got woken up out of a sound sleep early in the morning on my phone.
It ain't cool to ignore judges. It ain't cool to disappear people. It ain't cool to not know the Constitution and not care what's in it. So I'm not on any of this page, but I never have patience with people who have this complete cognitive dissonance between how great their life actually is in the moment and how much they're freaking out. I just can't take that.
I just can't take the people that come up to me in very fancy restaurants. Bill, what are we going to do? Go back and finish your $800 dinner, you fuck. You're fine. What are we going to do? What are you going to do?
Fuck your secretary like you did last week. Nice. That's what you're going to do, you asshole.
Those are... The issue is not bad. The issue is that he did not get any sort of hearing. They just disappeared him out of the country into a foreign prison.
Doesn't matter. He was out to go on trial for something.
Yeah. Okay.
Here's the common man's view, and I understand it, and in some ways I am the common man on this, but at the end of the day, not, is that if someone isn't in this country legally to begin with, why did they get a trial? The answer is because it says that in the Constitution. They could have chosen the word citizen. And in the Fifth Amendment and in the 14th Amendment, they chose to say person.
They knew the difference. They could have said citizen. They said any person here, you can't do that without giving them their day in court. So, you know, that's it.
Well, and the bigger thing is that every action has a reaction. So if your action is what the Biden administration did to have a policy of come one, come all, kids stay free. Of course, the reaction when you lose the election That's the thing. Everyone's always like, Bill, what are we going to do? Did you see what Trump did? I'm like, you know what? I have about 100 fucks a year to give.
So I just can't give every day on this. I just have got the 100. So you know what? You shouldn't have lost the election. So don't, this is who he is. You knew this is who he was. You said it was an existential problem if he won again. And yet you went with Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. So I'm going to go back and finish my dinner.
You know, like, really, it gets, you know, those alerts. I thought, oh, my God, the nuclear attack has started. India and Pakistan, they did it, and now it's spread. It was like missing adult. Oh, good, let me jump out of bed and go look for him. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh, was that by Kamala? Yeah. Oh, totally underwhelming.
I mean, I voted for her, but totally underwhelming. I even said in the editorial I did the Friday before the election, I was trying to get her elected, but I did say, do I love everything about her? No, not close. But who told you you have to love everything? That's American politics.
But yes, or underwhelming.
They're doing it finally.
Matt Taibbi, he can be so funny. I think it was him who had the funniest line. He said, AOC is practically a police sketch drawing of what Americans don't want for a president. She's leading. But it's 2025. The election isn't for three years. This means nothing.
This means nothing.
You're not going to do it. I would bet my house on that. They are not going to go that route. They get it. Yes. The Democratic Party wants to survive. Every party does. As they say in Jurassic Park, life finds a way. I see it out here with the ground dogs in my lawn. I see it with the ducks. I have ducks and they go in the pool and I yell at them and they get out. I think I've trained them now.
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I praise them when they stay out. I yell at them when they get in. I see it all around. Life finds a way. You know, the way the world is going, everybody could use therapy, but a lot of people I know who really need it complain that it costs a fortune, it's time consuming because of the back and forth, and sometimes is a mismatch with their personality.
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Okay, but fires is one. There were fake alerts, though. There was a giant disaster. This was just some person who wandered off, and what am I going to do about it?
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Because the only thing worse than someone forcing religion on you is when they do it by law. For membership information, text club to 511-511. Text fees may apply. And the Democratic Party, I do think, understands that they are at an existential moment. Parties don't have to survive. The Whigs came and went and others. And they understand they're not going to win with the AOC wing.
And it's going to be a bitter pill for the Latinx, gluten-free... non-binary Hamas lovers in the party, but they're just going to have to swallow hard at the end of the day. And I think they will. I think, again, because entities want to survive.
Okay, there's nobody to sue.
I understand why he's doing it.
No. It's a terrible... Well... There's no doubt, even the people on the other side of this debate would concede, I think. There's no doubt that to some degree, some countries have been playing unfairly in the trade war. And China was the biggest offender. And it's bugged a lot of people for a long time and Trump the most. Still, we were killing it with the rest of the world.
When I am not going to sue Newsom. What I'm not going to do anymore is ever leave my phone even on. It wasn't on the sound. The sound was off. But they don't care. Those alerts come through. So I'm going to put my phone off in another room.
I mean, right before the election, The Economist had a cover story about the American economy, the envy of the world, and for good reason. When you look at the numbers, I mean, our worst states' GDP is higher than France and Germany's and England's.
I attribute this to just America. We love money. We're fucking greedy and nothing can stop us like all the pandemic, whatever the fuck. We still just want to make money and have the good life and be on the yacht with the Kardashians. And so we just have this drive and nothing stops us. With the Kardashians. We do.
We do. We just want to have a leopard skin something. And we just keep, so we kill it economically. So there was certainly no need for Trump to like blow the whole thing up. I mean, I said, I think, on my show, if you had a building and you wanted to demo it, wouldn't you take out the valuable stuff first? Yeah.
China, and of course, a lot of people already lost money because the... People have businesses where stuff has to come in. The reason why he finally pulled back and made a deal with China is because his people started to really complain.
I mean, he lowered the tariff on China from 145 to 30. I mean, that's, ooh.
If it works, I'll be the only person on the left who acknowledges it. Because they just won't ever do that, and that's why I think I have standing with a lot of people in this country on both sides, because I just don't play that game. You don't. And it's possible. You don't know how things will work out.
Look, in 50 years, people might be saying, you know, when George Bush went into Iraq, it was at the time criticized, but now blah, blah, blah. I don't think that's going to happen, but you just don't. I've lived long enough to know. You predict the future, you're a fool. Especially that far in the future. So I don't know. But I'll say this.
The idea, and I've done a couple of bits about this on this show, the idea of bringing manufacturing back here is stupid. First of all, Gen Z's not going to do it. They are just not the crowd to be going to a factory.
Well, we already have that. We're already killing them with that.
I mean, if China takes Taiwan— We're screwed. You know?
I think it's psychiatry material. I'm telling you, it has ruined my whole day. First of all, I've been tired all day. You know, if you don't get enough sleep at our, not your age, my age. My age? Well, your age is not my age, sweetheart. So, you know, you're just, yeah.
Right. Antibiotics.
Antibiotics. I mean, look, you and I both don't like antibiotics.
Oh, yeah. I mean, I've been hearing that for years.
Of course, that's part of it, is that they put it in the animal feed, which is horrible, and then we eat the animals. Yeah, I know.
Really? You got it on a plane?
Yeah, because now you have to repair your body from it.
Yeah, but a lot of times Western medicine, you know, those doctors are not going to say after you finish antibiotic rounds, you know what, now your body's sick because you just killed a lot of it with those antibiotics. It killed the bad stuff, but it also... So now what's really imperative is you do this, this, and this. You're not going to get that from 90% of the doctors in this country.
Once you're over the whooping cough, you're over it, and they're done. They're done with you.
Dr. Expert?
Is that what you said?
And she made me like... Doctor, her name is expert?
It's a drink.
But is whooping cough always this bad?
You know, Jing. Jing, I drink it. I say this every week. People are like, why are you roofing yourself? It's a way to make sparkling water into a chemical-free diet soda. Look, I finally said it right.
Right. This sounds like one I might go for.
No, no. I'd rather talk about this because I care mostly about my own personal health. Fuck the audience. Whatever. I mean, no.
I forgot about that one.
Here's the great question. On the whooping cough vaccine. Because is he – I don't trust him to be reasonable. I love him, but I don't trust him to be reasonable. When I think of RFK, I am BPO, big picture only. Big picture, I'm glad he has this – this view that we're being poisoned slowly by, you know, the...
Yeah, definitely.
Everything. Exactly.
And that's the big picture, and I'm down with that. And then certain specific things, like, yes, let's get rid of the red dye number two. You were talking about that before. You need a truckload. I was never on the page of this theory that they have in Western medicine. A small amount of poison is fine. Like, I would prefer no poison.
And does it even affect the taste?
And now a little pot because suddenly, you know, I'm coming home to you, dear. My fantasy wife telling you about my terrible day. Here, honey, have your martini. Let me light your joint for you and tell me about your problems.
That's what it is. And a lot of adults who act like children.
I mean, a lot of it, it's not like only children are like, no, I want red ones. I don't care if it kills me.
Right. What he is advocating for— If you like your vaccine, you can keep your vaccine.
I've made the same argument myself.
And I'll tell you, I mean, he has said much more radical things.
At one point, I think he said he doesn't believe in any vaccines.
Right. Or wrote it. You know, there's things he's written in his books that are, you know, that are, I think, way out there. But OK, but it doesn't matter. He is where he is now. And if the idea is that my idea about vaccines even before covid is.
you know, why they called me an anti-vaxxer, was I was just saying, unless it's, I feel it's necessary, and, you know, like whooping cough sounds like a good candidate.
That sounds like a good candidate. Personally. I'm going to err on the side of... Do I think vaccines are probably harmful? No, but I don't know what causes cancer. Do I think vaccines do? No. I don't know personally. No, but is there some combination of influences in the body that we didn't have 50 years ago of all these different things?
That vaccines could play a part or some combination of vaccines or how many you get. I mean, there's a lot of nuance. It can't just be vaccines are our hero. Let's always get as much in you as to as young as we can. It's just always good. Let me throw this at you. That I don't know.
Oh, I mean, you know. We could talk about the state of the world. I know you do. You're killing it, by the way. Thanks to you. You know, I always see – not thanks to me. Yeah, boss. You gave me the – Oh, please. Bill, you did. People are – the talent goes where it's going to go. All you can do is you can, like, wave at it as it goes by. and say, oh, well, you have my blessing, and I love that.
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They happen. As every drug does have side effects.
And what's wrong with the common sense scientific answer? No, babies don't need COVID shots or like sexual disease shots.
You know, there's always, I always say, there's always an actual easy, not easy, but certainly easy to understand, centrist position on almost every issue you can name. It's just that we're just not the people anymore who can get to it. We're too tribal. Too tribal. And too hateful. When you hate, you don't hear the argument. Nope. If I had one theme... That's what it is lately.
And again, that comes back to the Trump dinner and shit. These people who just want to hate and... Resist at all costs. Just resist. I call them the haters and the clickbaiters.
I don't see it. Their party voices are. I could name Gavin Newsom, certainly, in the last...
But, you know, the talent, and you're the talent, and you did it. And people are, you know, obviously you have a lot of haters, but you know what? So do I. So does anybody good. You know the old, well, I guess it's kind of an old rap song now. If you ain't got no haters, you ain't poppin'.
Yeah, you know what? People have that right to just, it's like the same thing we do with movie stars. There are movie stars who, like, I have no reason why I don't like them. I just don't.
I just don't, like, look at you.
He's got a lot to own. Most politicians do. I love him. So that's it. You know what? I don't give a shit what anybody thinks. And I don't give a shit what you think. I know.
I sat down with Trump. I like Gavin. Uh, Trump is, as I said, very likable to in person, you know, I mean, I know that blows people's minds, but as long as it doesn't affect my judgment, but do you like the job he's done? Well, we spend the most here. Up until like literally the week before he started on this path back toward the middle, um,
I remember having a conversation with someone who knows him and knows California politics, and I said, is Gavin ever going to go back to the middle? Because I've really liked this guy for the longest time, but he's – and he knows it. I've been very critical of the – Let me finish. Sorry, boss. Okay. Is he – I said he's –
I've been very critical of his moving, of his being way too far left, the way he's governed this state. Um, and done lots of, I mean, I remember doing 10 years ago, more California booster editorials, like, because we had lots of brag about, and then we went crazy too far left. He was the governor, um, for a lot of it. And I was like, you know, I always thought this guy was such a great, um,
always in command of the facts, obviously great looking. He just looks to me like presidential timber. And he's a great debater. I mean, he can be mean, which is great, like that debate with DeSantis. And I just think if he could just make that move to the center. And she said, yeah, I don't think it's going to happen. And he did it a week later.
And he's rolled out one after another, like girls and biological women.
You know what? When you don't like somebody, all you see is like it didn't happen tomorrow and it's imperfect and this. And that's not how I see politicians. They're all so imperfect. And again, it's like I said with the movie stars. It's just some people you just don't like. There's not really, you think it's much more logical than it is.
I think it's Rico Richie. Poppin'?
Trust me, lots of people on your team, sweetheart, have done so much worse things than Gavin Newsom ever did. Totally agree with you. But you just like that. And that's okay.
If you ain't got no haters, you ain't poppin'.
I might agree with that.
Okay, but DeSantis is not a Democrat, and there are lots of things DeSantis did that are gross.
No, especially with COVID.
I remember doing a whole editorial about how DeSantis was better on this than California. And I remember seeing, I think part of it was that I personally saw it firsthand the first place I went. when they let us travel again. I think it was June of 21. The first gig I did in a year and a half was in Sarasota, Florida, somewhere in Florida.
And, yeah, and, you know.
And I mean, it was just so different than California, which was felt like, I mean, you would drive around at night and you feel like you're in a behind the iron curtain country. You know, oh, this is what Prague looks like in 1965. You know, just just dour, you know, like communist dour. And it's like it was so unnecessary to be sliding the meals to the Yale students through the transom.
You are definitely popping. I mean, just because you speak kindly of RFK, you know, that will always.
I mean, just the way they lost their shit, a certain part of it. And I to this day, I don't think they realize the kind of credibility they lost. when they did that. I mean, that's why RFK, for all his nutty sides, still has a very loyal following of a lot of Maha people, right?
This is where... Oh, I was all over that issue. You know, yeah, I mean, of course.
On that, on the left, yeah. Yes, that's what I mean. Because... But again, good to see that, and it's not just Newsom, let's get off him, but Ro Khanna, there's a whole, Pete Buttigieg is butching it up these days.
He's got a beard, and I don't mean the old kind of beard, I mean an actual beard. He doesn't need a beard, he's out. But yeah, I mean, and the things they are saying are, are the very things I've been saying for the last, like, five years. I like that. That makes me very hopeful. Oh, yeah. Again, they want to survive. They want to survive.
And this is, they get, so I think Pete Buttigieg is going to be very much in the race. I think he checks a box that a certain part of the sentimental side of the Democrats needs. He's not a straight white man. He's not much.
They don't care about that.
No. What they care about is that He represents a marginalized community.
Of course it's gross.
I'm telling you this is what matters to them. So if he can – so he can – just the way Obama, being an African-American, could be much more to the center because he like already sort of – look, I'm not a white – Straight man. So right away, I have more credibility. And Pete, you know, no, it's not as good as being black, but it's like, look, I'm not a white straight man.
And so he can—and he's a great debater. I mean, he's a—I mean, I don't think the Democrats are actually in bad shape if they get on this page. They have some really good people.
Pennsylvania.
His house burned—yeah, his house burned down.
The race is not on yet. We haven't had the midterms, for fuck's sake.
No, this is just... The Democrats are turning a battleship around.
In the river. Oh, they definitely are.
And... they'll get it hopefully mostly turned around by the midterms, and then we'll see. And then we'll see.
They do. The fringes always get the most attention. They get the most attention on the other side too. But we shall see you know, how they do it, but how good they are at doing it. But they are definitely moving in that direction.
So AOC and Bernie, I saw a great headline about them, the old man and AOC. You Hemingway fans will appreciate that one. They will be out there getting their crowds you know they there is certain amount of the energy of the party is with the the far left you know they're democrat socialists they're not even democrats they're they're they're you know, for more socialism.
Are they on a private jet?
I mean, that to me is the least of the issues. I mean, it's stereotypical in a way, but the deeper issue is, do we need more socialism in America? I mean... We can have that debate. Just I would want people to understand, which I don't think they do, the people who go to those rallies. We already do have a lot. So the debate, we can have it. Maybe we should have it.
But it has to start at the realistic point of we're not at zero here. We already have a lot of socialism in America. We are a quasi-socialist country, as all Western democracies are and should be. There are things that we privatize now that I think should be government-run. I don't think prisons.
Should be privately run.
I mean, you know, the guards have a union and their product is prisoners. They want more prisons. Horrible. Yeah, it's horrible. And...
Yeah, I mean, having never had kids, I don't have that same feeling for kids. When people say that, we're like, the worst thing you'd probably do as a kid, I always just think of Nikki Glaser's great bit where she goes, kids, I mean, we get so sentimental about it, but in 10 years, it's just going to be some guy named Doug. Yeah. Like, exactly. Is this going to be some guy named Doug?
So like, is it really?
Well, she's not a child.
I'm not against the death penalty. I'm not either. I think the death penalty is more humane than keeping someone housed like in solitary. Solitary, that's really kind of like cruel and unusual punishment. Yeah.
So, you know, of course we all, you're probably too young to remember this, but Michael Dukakis, who ran for president in 1988, blew it when one of the debates, somebody asked, if someone raped and killed your wife, Kitty Dukakis, raped her violently at knife point, What would you do? Well, I would check the amendments. And he just should have said what you said.
I would have fucking killed the motherfucker. And he just went into politician mode and America went, no. And that's when Donald Trump said, I'm going to be president someday by just being balls out with everything and never giving a fuck what I say. And that's one pledge he's kept.
He certainly never... You know, gives a shit what anybody thinks. He just says it. That is one of the secrets to his political success. I think it's that. We've never seen that before.
Absolutely.
They bond on a level of, you know, he was from Queens, which is in New York, you know, could be Mars. You're not in Manhattan. I mean, this is what Saturday Night Fever was about. Tony Manero. He just wanted to get from Brooklyn, the bones, into Manhattan. If we could make it in Manhattan. And that's Trump. He's an outsider, a deplorable. I mean, it's the same mentality.
They're still doing it, though.
I hated it too. And I said it on my show. I know. I hated it. Wearing the MAGA hat, not shaking hands with a black person. And that's when I thought. You people don't know MAGA people.
I mean, they have their issues, and I certainly have my issues with them. But they're a general—I mean, of course, there's some racists everywhere who are that bad. But generally, all the MAGA people I know have no problem shaking hands with a black person. You're just hysterical, and you're not helping. Nope. Not at all. That was not— Deplorable squared. Not helping.
But mostly what I hate is it's what I call a zombie lie. Don't lie to me. It's a lie that MAGA people won't shake hands with. I get it. It's part of a skit and it's an exaggeration and that's comedy. It's a little too delicate a subject to just make – to go there for that one. So, you know – Look, we all in comedy step over the line sometimes or... Do one that they want to take back?
I doubt if they want to take that one back. I think they probably think it's great. But I'm telling you, as a liberal, I don't like it. Again, because lying offends me. I'm a comedian. When the premise isn't real, the joke is not going to work. The premise has to ring true. That premise doesn't ring true. It might have rang true, I don't know, X years ago. It doesn't now.
So, you know, but that's where we are. Everybody has to just play the hate card because that's what gets clicks. That's what gets you loved by your side.
They just want to feel that, oh, yeah, that's right. He's Hitler. Yeah. Let's go right to your devil.
Well, I got to go.
I'm one of them.
You know, I have to tell you something. It kind of was on my mind the whole time we were talking. When you said that, I was like, Jesus Christ.
Does Jillian still have the whooping cough?
No, no, no. I got it in February. No, no.
Oh, it's great to see you. This was fun.
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Well, it's funny. What is that? I talked about that maybe like a month ago on the show. And I certainly have done a million jokes on RFK. I like him. He's sat here. I know him for years. I certainly don't go along with everything. Of course not.
to say the least. But on the fluoride thing, I remember when I talked about it on Real Time, again, it's about a month ago, what I was saying was it was the week they were going after fluoride. And the New York Times had an op-ed piece, how terrible fluoride is. It was either the day before or maybe the same day within the paper
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Within the same paper where you're shitting on it on the editorial page, there was an article saying, I think it was the Journal of American Medicine, but it was some very respectable group. saying, yeah, we've done these studies and it may not be healthy for you. And I don't want anything in my water. How about that? If you want fluoride, you do fluoride. I don't think I need fluoride.
First of all, I'm not 10 with a mouthful of cavities, okay? I'm not eating chocolate bunnies all day.
Right. I mean, so I don't know. Probably it's mostly benign. But, you know, there's a lot of stuff that goes into it. Maybe not. Right. I don't know. You've studied it more than I have. It doesn't matter. I don't want it. There's concern. I mean, I had a doctor once.
tried to sell me on the idea, not that I could do anything about it, I guess he thought I had some influence, of advocating for putting statins in the water.
A cardiologist, yeah.
I'm sure there are people. Wow. who benefit from statins, as I always say, medicine is always playing the odds and making sometimes the least worst decision. There are people, just like with the COVID vaccine, many people would have died without the vaccine, and many people probably would have heart attacks without statins. I'm not one of them.
Well, statins I know have deleterious effects. I mean, I certainly have talked to enough people who know about this subject, and I can't even... Again, I'm not the guy who can go through the details like you can. But, you know, but generally, anything that... has a blocking effect, and that's what statins are doing. They're blocking something that's bad for you, right?
Is it basically in layman's terms?
Yes, right. I agree.
No, I mean, things are going to have to get really bad for me to be on a statin. But if I thought I would be dead without it, yes, of course. But I don't think so. But I agree. And LDL, now... My understanding is that LDL, that's the bad cholesterol. But I just read something which said there's actually lots of people who have really shitty LDL scores and no heart problems.
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So it's just so rarely as simple as black or white. The body is so complicated. I've been trying to make this case for so many years to people, and it comes up in different issues that it's just – Don't compare it to other sciences. I remember when the big thing on MSNBC was, well, if you're not for vaccines, it's like denying global warming. No, it's not.
Global warming is about climate science, which is infinitely more simple. than the body. It really is. I know. Not that I could do it, but I actually could learn enough, I think. You know, it's geology, it's chemistry.
And the reason why almost all climate scientists agree that global warming is happening and it's man-made, what we should do about it, that's a different debate, is because it's not that complicated. That's not the case with medicine. They just don't know enough.
This is the old type of vaccine. You're talking about the old dead pathogen.
No, it's right. It's a whole different animal. It's a whole different animal.
That doesn't necessarily mean it's worse or harmful, although...
No, I'm saying just based.
No, I'm just saying just because it's a whole different animal doesn't logically conclude that it's worse. But, you know, it's the same thing with statins as with vaccines. Are there ones that I would take? Absolutely. Yes, same. Where I would think it would kill me if I didn't.
I get it. I think they're an amazing tool. But COVID was, that one never scared me and I never wanted it. Yep, same. And I never thought it was what they... And it wasn't. I mean, man, there's this new book out. I think the author's David Zweig, and it's about the... mostly about the school closures and what a disaster that was and how unnecessary.
And it reminded me of, or maybe it's in the book somewhere, about the insanity that went on at colleges. Now, we're talking about 20-year-olds, the people least likely to be felled by COVID. I mean, you'd have to really try. And the things they were doing at the elite university, the same morons who were
He's got a beard, and I don't mean the old kind of beard. I mean an actual beard. He doesn't need a beard. He's out. At one point, I think he said he doesn't believe in any vaccines.
protesting in in favor of terrorist organizations i agree the same morons yeah or uh were like i mean isolating like never seeing another student for months meals left outside the door like this was fucking bubonic plague in 1350 it went i mean my kids still don't
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Were you there?
They're not all nonsense.
Yeah, that was— No, no, listen to me. No, I agree.
I'm sure you don't like cops, but you know.
You plainly do not.
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Nancy Pelosi's daughter fomented the riot on January 6th?
You just testified.
Let me tell you what I am sure of.
Oh, she did? Yeah.
Well, it's a thing. It's your thing.
No, no, no.
Was there a lot of that?
Associate.
You love that movie? Yeah, great movie.
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Or at least I'm not.
Like, really?
So stupid. You need the police.
It's state.
In the prison?
Killed him?
Were you there?
That's right.
Through the post office.
No, you're a star.
Call me. I will. No, let me take you. Sure, I'm going to go with you. Because I'll give you a tour. I know the mall there. I know the mall.
Let me ask you this.
Because I explained.
Because you don't.
He was a great leader.
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He negotiated.
That's what he wanted to do.
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Yeah, I mean, look, the other thing it could be is an alien. I mean, again, I get the inclination to go, oh, please. that people might be thinking, or that we might be thinking about ourselves. But I'm sorry, like I say, I've just heard this too many times from people, and there's just nothing wrong with saying, I don't fucking know.
And the alien theory also, there's nothing unscientific about the possibility that there is other life in the universe, or that such life has been monitoring us, or that such life is already among us. I always say everything that happens in movies then happens in real life. You know, the premise of, what's the big one where they're Will Smith and Men in Black?
Men in Black, yeah. You know, it's not like that. But could it be? Yes. Why wouldn't it be? Um, and it's the problem with talking about this stuff is that, especially with someone like you, who was, I don't know if you should tell me, I'm very curious. Your, your reputation now is a right.
This is a right winger because you did the Trump rally and told the Puerto Rico joke, which is a great joke, you know? Yeah.
I mean, even though he's like the last guy I would have over here to club random to like have a good time. That would really make it random. Guest here.
Of course, it's the classic misdirection.
Oh, I do. On my show. It's wild, right? Oh, I did a whole fucking...
I've said it here also. If there's anything that's going to get us, they could possibly fix a lot of the air pollution because there are new strategies and technologies that are coming online. I can't describe them to you, but basically ways to clean up, you know. But the ocean, no. They don't have that at all.
And they don't have a way, apparently, to get off plastic that you could sell to the people. I think they'd die before they gave it up. And they don't have a way to get it out of us, really. That one worries me more than air pollution, more than anything is plastic. Yep. But, no, there's no doubt it's insulting to Puerto Ricans. But, you know, I have been over the same territory.
I mean, I don't think I would do exactly that joke, but I certainly have done many that have been objected to. And my thing was always, you know what? Everybody has to accept, in the framework of comedy, insults. We just, you know, and they're never fair. When we do a joke about the French surrendering... They did surrender, you know, to the Nazis.
It's not like they are really more cowardly than anybody else. They planned badly, and they built something called the Maginot Line to keep out the Nazis after World War I. But they forgot to build it all the way to the ocean. So the Nazis just went around it. It wasn't cowardice. It was stupidity. Right. Polish people are not especially dumber than anybody else. But they got that.
Supermodels don't always throw up. And that's the thing. It's like the jokes, are they fair? They're not. Right. And we all just kind of have to suck it up for the sake of comedy. That would be my defense.
You opened for the Trump rally.
But did you do it because you're a supporter of Trump or just because it's an opportunity and a paycheck?
A pleasure to meet you. Oh, the insult comic. I can feel the barbs coming. Should I not sit in the front row? No, you're safe. You're safe. If I'm in the front row, am I going to get spritzed with the comic barbs? You're not going to ask me where I'm from? No. No crowd work on you. No, come on. Do some crowd work. Ask me where I'm from. Where are you from? New Jersey. Come on.
Oh, so you did want people to vote for Trump? Yes, without a doubt.
We're going to have to break off on that point. Let's face it, after a night with drinks, I don't bounce back the next day like I used to, and I hate to waste a day, so I had to make a choice. I can either have a great night or a great next day. That is until I found pre-alcohol. Z Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic.
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Message and data rates may apply. No, no. You know my thing. I talk to everybody. Yeah. And it's okay that we disagree on that. I just didn't really know until this moment that that's – I thought maybe you just were doing it for a gig and because you believe in free speech, but you're not really a Trumper.
There's a slow pitch down the middle of the plate, bro. New Jersey. That is a real, that is a shithole. Indeed. Well, come on. You could do better.
But, you know, I mean, I always say you can be against Trump and not hate half the people in the country who like him. I mean, you can't write them off. This is the controversy I just went through. Yeah. When I had dinner with him and just some, you know, very kind of woke people who always hated me for, because they're so woke and I, you know, I just have no patience for those people.
And, you know, I do think I won that one because, you know, I mean, people understand, especially since I went right back to my job of doing what I've always done, which is criticizing him as much as I did before. It's not like, it's not like I was taken in by him. Right. But I was going to be honest. And also, I think it's great to have an open dialogue, no matter who it is.
And it's just so pointlessly illogical to think, as the Democrats, some of them do, that if you have no power, which they have, you lost everything. You fucking lost everything. And now you're also not going to talk to the people who have the power? No. And Trump is the kind of guy, I knew this even before I went there, but I certainly was confirmed.
He's the kind of guy who everything is personal relationships. Much more than, say, a guy like Obama, who was very logical and all business. I don't think anybody felt like they were really close to Obama personally. Maybe like Valerie Jarrett and some people around him, but not other politicians. He wanted to be friendly with everybody, but that's not like... This guy's different.
He comes from real estate and he comes from business and New York. So the idea that you think you're going to do better by screaming, running out of the room, I'm not talking to you. It's just so bizarre to me.
Do what to?
They're saying that to him about him. The people who are criticizing me. You're exactly right. And I find that to be very. How could he have gone to the dinner? Oh, yeah. Gone to the dinner. It's dinner at the White House. How could you not? Exactly. It's, again, very different if I came out wearing the red hat. Yeah.
Ask me what I do. And then I say nothing. And you say, how do you know when you're done? And then tip your waitress. That's it. So you came up through the clubs, right? Yes.
It's like, okay, somehow this succubus, you know, put his snake tongue down my throat and now I'm... But that's not what happened. Right. And they just can't quite give it up, some of them.
Tony, you must feel so bad about that. You go and you're for him and you're working for him and you like him and me, nothing but vitriol for 10 years and I get the invite. Isn't it wild? But I said this when I did the piece on it when I got back. The best moment to me was when I brought in a list of 56 different insults he has said about me. I had it printed on a piece of paper. And he signed it.
And it's on my wall. So cool. And it will always be one of the coolest artifacts in the world.
And it's, it's just, you know, it's, but here's my question that I'm fascinated about because like certain, I don't, I don't, I want to know if the common community is different than the actorly community because the actorly community, the actors in this town, I won't mention any names and there are certain, I'm sure there are people who deviate, but generally it is the epicenter of wokeness.
And you know, I love show people, but I always say I'm in show business. I'm not really of it. There is a difference.
And they just, you know, they're full on in, let's say.
On everything. So if you deviate from there, it's hard to find your place at a dinner. You know, no one... would invite you out. I mean, you know, the right-wing types, even the Clint Eastwood, who was a Republican, but not that far right. I mean, because he's Clint Eastwood, you know, I'm sure people would still have him over.
But there's just, I mean, they are just very clubby about the politics. What I want to know is, does that pertain in the comedy world? Like, because you're a Trumper, I'm sure most of the comics are not. Yeah. Do they treat you differently? Are you in any way ostracized because of that?
Cars are going to give it to each other? I swear to fucking God. Oh, man, that was a terrible disease.
Oh, I thought you honk your horn when you like it.
Your car has a noisemaker built into it that sounds like a horn. It's called the horn.
It's crazy. But even still, I mean, funny, for six months, when the horrible forever flu happened, I did the monologue right over there. This room was all, the pool table was gone. This was the studio where I did that. Then I did the editorial out there sitting on the lawn. I mean, we did the show here for six months.
How does she know that? You just tell her everything?
You know, some ways it made you more creative, but it was to do a monologue here. I wanted to keep the show as close to what it really was. I put on a suit and tie like I always had, and we had funny, you know, cutaways to old audiences laughing, which people loved that bit. And we had a laugh track. You know, I would do the joke here, and then they would play... And I got through it.
But I used to just walk out of after that taping. And of course, I live next door. So I'd walk home and be like, I'm so depressed.
Because usually after the show, there's a little party and blah, blah. And then I was just like in the silence of my house. And oh, yes, we can't go out. And it was just like, and look, there are diseases in the world that I think might merit that, that are that dangerous. I just never thought it was that one.
I had the same experience going to Florida, the first set I did when they let us. And it was like, oh, my God. This is, I remember what freedom felt like.
Well, anybody, I'm sorry, but anybody who is a Trumper, um, it's just, it's a different, it's a, it's a different mindset that, um, You know, he'd have to be extremely different to me to get me over there. Right. And he knows that. I mean, a lot of this stuff is just way too insane and too far out there. And again, talking about a third term, this stuff is just intolerable.
She was all those things? Yeah. She was cool? Yeah.
That was my editorial two weeks ago. Like once it starts out as a joke. Uh-huh. It's not a joke at a certain point.
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I never knew Mitzi I mean I auditioned like I was an improv act out here yeah not that you couldn't do both but I was just not her type of act she went for the more like how we say theatrical yeah usually not all of them Letterman worked there he certainly was a dry monologist yeah uh Leno but but I felt like when I was there and I go there now just for fun uh every once in a while I think it's great to
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I mean, the night I was there, he was talking about it with me. He said to me, well, you know, I know how you feel about it, so we don't have to argue, but there are ways you could do it. And they said, no, there are not. And, you know, that's what they got mad at me. But I was honest about the fact that he just, you can have a conversation with him like that.
And it doesn't explode into, like, he is some kind of Jekyll and Hyde. Because if you did that during a press conference, he'd be like, you're a disgusting person. Well, yeah. And he would just go into that other guy. And that guy just, you know, and they're so mad at me for, like, pointing this out. Right. I'm just pointing it out. You do what you will. I'm just pointing it out.
I'm not saying it. I'm not even giving an opinion on it, really. I'm just saying that's what my line was. I went down into the mine. This is what I found down there. Now you make your judgment what you want to do with that.
He said, we're going to save $2 trillion. By their best accounting, it's a minuscule percentage of the budget, like $150 billion. And it didn't even work. The budget, the deficit, it's all worse than ever. They're at some point going to have to deal with that. What we pay on interest on the debt now is the second highest thing we spend money on.
The only other thing we spend more money on is Social Security. It's more than Medicare. It's more than defense. It's a trillion dollars just to service the debt, just to give banks money for loaning us money. And how long can that last? And they're not making it better. He's not fixing that. Look, his superpower is that he can, turn on a dime and change his policy on anything.
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And because it's a cult, they will just follow him. So tomorrow, he could change any of these policies. And he's done it a million times with people. He throws them out, invites them back in. I love you. You're the greatest. You're the worst, terrible person. And, you know, so... Do I love that kind of unpredictability?
No, but the possibility that even if it's a slim one, that he could, you know, say, you know what? Republicans need to tax the rich. I ran on helping the common man and I'm going to do it. I don't think he's going to do it because they never do do it, but he could do it. I mean, this is a guy who just last week said, kids, you don't need 30 dolls. I'm Donnie Two Dolls. Two fucking dolls.
By the way, what kid even plays with dolls anymore? And then he says pencils. Pencils? I can't remember the last decade I even owned a pencil. A pencil? For what? But, like, you don't need 30 pencils. You need five. You need $2 and five pencils. I mean, and I cannot imagine another political leader being able to get away with telling people, fuck you. You think you're middle class?
You're the working poor with a house full of crap. That's what you are. And you don't need all that crap. But, you know, when you got the... Cult leader status, boy, I mean, it is amazing what you can get away with. Yeah.
Well, what he's doing is working as far as stopping people from coming in. If you ask me, it's not worth the price. It's not worth the price of suspending the Constitution of the United States, which says you can't just take people off the street and put them in a foreign prison. That is just insane. But if the message is, you know what? You always had a free ride.
If you thought you could come here, the worst that was going to happen is, oh, all bets are off, go back. Nope, you didn't make it. That's the worst that could happen. Probably you're just going to stay here. His message is, well, no. If you come here and we catch you, It might be worse for you. And, you know, that is a deterrent. And it is working. The number of people, you know.
So every action has a reaction. Like Biden went so fucking stupidly far toward a pretty much come one, come all, just walk right in policy. And they have to own that to a degree. Again, I do not support what Trump is doing, but I get where it comes from. Action, reaction. If you go that far, almost to your point you were asking me a minute ago about who's more right or left.
If you go that far left, what do you expect? You are going to get people who come in and go that far right. Yeah. So in a way, and if you don't win the election, that's what's going to happen.
So Democrats have a lot of looking in the mirror to do.
Okay, but that's not where we are now. They're not Democrats now. And I understand why the Democratic Party gives them the heebie-jeebies. That's different than being all in on Trump, which they are. But see, I have to believe that the comic community is just better than the actorly community.
Because our business is calling out bullshit. Yes. And so it's just harder to be so doctrinaire about your politics. It just is. Yeah. I'm not saying that most of us comics didn't vote the Democratic Party.
Yes, but there's just more of a, if you're going to really do what we do and we do what we do best and call shit out and keep it real, which is what gets the good laughs, the good nutritious laughs, not the cheap laughs, you're going to be having to call out some stuff on the left, even if it's not, you know, Specifically political. It's just the leftist kind of thinking and that kind of stuff.
Because they are as crazy in their own way. They're just not as dangerous.
The left is not as dangerous.
But, I mean, all of a sudden, the last couple of years, I'm looking at who the mass shooters are and this and that, and it is creepily... I'm talking about our way of life, which is governed by the type of government we have. Yeah. And... They are still constitutionalists and institutionalists. Now, have they nibbled at the edges? Yes.
Have they invited, as always, like we were saying with the other thing, there's always an invited backlash when you go too far. So, you know, did Joe Biden do things that were imperial presidency things? Yes, of course he did. He said in his own words something like, you know, well, the Supreme Court said I couldn't give student loans, but I'll find a way.
You know, OK, that's not nearly what Trump is doing. But it invites that kind of argument from the right, which says, you know what? They all do it. And by. Yeah. You know what? That's the problem. If you move a little bit here, Trump's going to go, oh. Well, king me. I'll just jump over you and go 10 steps further and worse. And so that's where we are.
But yeah, I don't think they are equally dangerous because one side really would like an autocracy. They really don't want to have to deal with... the left wing at all. They think the left wing is such an existential threat to our way of life that it would actually be better to be an autocracy than to be a democracy where they might win. And I would be very surprised if the next election
Is one that will just go smoothly. It only goes smoothly like the last one when they win. When they win, it goes smoothly. When they lose, it's a shit show because they don't accept election results. Nothing is more important to me than that. You have to accept election results. That's the basis of everything. Right. And they're not there. Yeah.
I certainly remember. I don't remember the names. Yeah. But I do remember this highlight of the night was a woman comic.
You're still saying the 2020 election was not... Fair? Because even his own security team said it was fair.
A lot of Republicans have. I mean, that's a dead horse that you've got to stop beating.
Well, he ran three times. He lost one and won two. That's pretty good. And you just got to be, you know, just be cool about it. I used to do a bit in my act about, you know, you ever watch the end of a football game? Okay, what happens? These coaches, these coaches whose whole life is football. They have no life except for Bill Belichick, who's fucking a 24-year-old.
He changed it up completely, and I give him all the props in the world. But otherwise, coaches have no life. So when they lose the game, it's like the worst thing in the world. But what do they do? Yeah. They put on a face and they walk across the field and they stick out their hand and they said, good game, Andy. Good luck next week against the Pack. Yeah. That's what a man does. Yeah.
You don't say, I never lost, I could never lose, until they get their head wrapped around that. But it doesn't even matter. I'm much more concerned about what's going to happen in 2028. Yeah. And, you know, look, it could very well be he does step aside and that he lets Vance and Rubio fight it out because it looks like he's setting them up to be the two heirs. Yeah. And then they run against...
I mean, it often is, by the way, when I go there. Yeah. Not that the guys aren't funny, too. But, you know, I don't know. I just think this person was a scream. And I did not know that story.
Pete Buttigieg or whoever, and lots of things could happen there. And Vance or whoever could be the next, and absolutely could happen. Or what could happen is that Buttigieg wins
they just don't accept it and that i can't accept i think it's a very uh trump-esque thing specifically him to not want to acknowledge or admit a loss okay i wouldn't say that that's possible i wouldn't say that that is possible yeah i wouldn't say that that's that's straight possible and it's also possible that trumpism that's part of it and his crowd wouldn't accept i mean
Look, Mike Pence is like persona non grata in the Republican Party because he did the right thing.
Oh, of course.
Right, of course. No, but like... J.D. Vance. But I do like Mike Pence. I mean, even though he's like the last guy I would have over here to club random to like have a good time. That would really make it random.
I would love to sit here and blow pot smoke in Mike Pence's face. That would be awesome. But you know that he won't, he's so religious that he won't, what is it that he won't do? He won't be in a room with a woman who isn't his wife unless the wife is there too.
Well, as if he needs, you know, the security of his wife there. Otherwise, I mean, these chicks would be up on Mike Pence's jock. You know, they'd be like blowing him on the dance floor. Are you kidding?
No. Yeah. I mean, that's who Mike Pence is. Mike Pence, he's a Christian super duper. I mean, that was always what he was. He was a governor of Indiana and, you know, very... Conservative state, conservative guy, white hair. I always said he looks like the pilot in the airline video they show before the flight.
It's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah, it is. And that's funny. You said a talent coordinator. When I started in New York. The MC was the talent coordinator. There was no talent coordinator. They basically deputized one of the comedians. It was the plum job because then you weren't fighting City Hall. Otherwise, you were fighting City Hall. You could either fight City Hall or be City Hall.
That would piss me off.
Of course, at the inauguration.
Stop pretending you don't love it. It put you on a different level.
Don't try to sell me that you're suffering from this.
Yes, of course. Just like my thing with the dinner was. It was stressful. But you know what? I didn't mind it because it was like, you know what? First of all, most of the people I'm hearing from are like, thank God for you and what you're doing. Even the liberals, you know, it's like they got it. Common sense. And also, you know, it's just, I'd rather...
you know, I'd rather live on, when is this, die standing than live on my knees. Absolutely. Just like, you know, it's what, one of the great compensating things about being a comedian is that that's what we do get to do is to speak our mind and very few people have that luxury. I mean, God, talk to a publicist for any star, you know, they can't, they don't want them to say anything, anything.
Because anything is potentially, I mean, Justin Timberlake once apologized for, uh, complimenting a black singer. I can't remember who it was. It was a cultural appropriation. It was like, I'm so sorry. I'll do better. What's the problem? You say you like Otis Redding. Whatever the fuck it was, it was so ridiculous. So publishers were like, just don't speak. Just don't speak.
And you see it on talk shows. They play games with them. Like, let's play tiddlywinks. And if you lose, I throw water in your face. Great. I don't have to say what I think about Gaza. Right. You know, and we do. Yeah. And, you know, there is somewhat of a price to pay sometimes and you could fall off the ledge, you know. Yeah. But I don't know. The ability to speak your mind.
If you ever get a gig where you're playing to a left-wing crowd, I have a way. You could do this joke and slightly change it, and it would still work. But think of some island where only rich white people go. There's a floating island of garbage. It's called the Bahamas. It's called Cayman Islands.
Yeah. You will be lifted out on their shoulders.
If you were the MC, also got paid $50. The comics got cab fare. $50 a night. Wow. So yeah, that was it. And then that's the person who like made all the decisions. You go on, then you go on after him, you know, it was a, you know, you could, I don't remember anybody being corrupt about it, but it was certainly someone's personal taste. But then again, of course it always is, you know? Yeah.
And will you be greeted by any sort of backlash-y, sort of like, oh, he's on tonight? Or will they be like, he's a comic and that trumps Trump?
That's funny. Because they can't hide there. When I stopped doing The Road last year, but like... For so many years, I would see somebody in the front row who was like this, arms folded, like stone face. And it was just invariably the husband of a woman who loved me, a liberal woman loved me, and dragged the husband. And I let it go for as long as I could in the show. And then I would just
Talk to the guy. And I would just point out, I know you're the big tough guy. You're the conservative. You're the tough people. And yet you let your wife drag you to a show you didn't want to go to.
No, I got a better way to make it feel worse. Yeah. You're so worried your man is going to go out and fuck somebody else. Nobody wants to fuck your man's. You can stop worrying, sweetheart. This is not an issue that's going to come up. Oh, he'll flirt, but no one will take him up on you. So let him go. Let him fly.
That's the great thing about comedy.
I got great advice when I started when I was complaining about a shitty crowd once. And a great comedian said to me, that's why they're here. Because they're not in a good mood. They came here for the medicine of laughter. And you're the doctor saying, what the fuck are you doing in my office when you're sick?
Yeah, that's why I'm in your office. Wow. Because I'm sick. And I need what you can heal me with. Yeah. So why are you mad at me?
Yeah, I didn't want to say because it sounds like name dropping. Okay. Who was it? Abraham Lincoln. Wow.
So tonight you're going on the Comedy Store?
Yeah, you've got a big thing going on.
I mean, is that you're, That's so interesting. Your memory of starting out at the comedy store, you thought it was fair or you thought it was like?
You're so lucky that you had that experience because everything that comes after is you're able to enjoy it because it wasn't handed to you. If it's handed to you, you can't ever really enjoy it. I'm so glad I'm not a nipple baby. I mean, I know Nepo babies, they're not any worse than us. They're not.
It's not a bad thing, but just tell me we're the exact same thing because it just is easier to be a nepo baby in this business. First of all, if you're an internet outlet, a magazine, any place, anything with publicity, what do you want to cover more? Joe Schmoe?
or big stars child right which is a better story yeah how's johnny depp's kid doing right how's bob schmohawk's kid doing right you know and i'm not picking on her and she's a fine actress and they're all good and blah blah very often they're very good because it is in their blood just the way uh athletes which is completely different because you actually have to be good
But a lot of kids who were fathers were pro players are good because they hung around the stadium. So by the time they get to the stadium, it's not like, oh, my God, I'm in the stadium. It's like, yeah, I grew up here. What's the big deal?
Yeah. And dad taught me how to hit. Yeah. Yeah. And dad was Ron Carew. Yeah. Or whoever, you know.
But the most dangerous neighborhood in America is Appalachia.
It's not a city.
Yeah. Appalachia is a region of the country. I think it stretches across eight different states. It's where the hillbillies live. You ever see Winter's Bone? No? You should.
You'll love it, being a hillbilly. Check it out. It's Jennifer Lawrence's first movie. It's an indie movie, but it's about Appalachia, which is – I mean, it goes through Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky, coal miner's daughter. Have you ever heard of that? Yeah. Red or Lynn, butcher's holler. A holler. What's a holler? It's a place where people live. It's like a ghetto for fucking rednecks. Okay.
Yeah. That's the most dangerous place.
Because they don't take to revenuers in there and government people. They got their own law and their own shit going on in there. And really, law enforcement does not want to fucking mess with these people. I mean, they mess much more with the inner city than they mess with Appalachia. Yeah.
and uh like winter's bone just an amazing movie does not have a false note in it and i say that as someone who would not know what a false note was yeah because i'm very far from appalachia yeah and yet i somehow know it doesn't you're where you see you're originally from new jersey and then you came straight here not straight here i mean i went to college in upstate new york and then went
after college went to New York City, which is where the comedy clubs were. The comedy store was certainly out here, but I wasn't ready for out here because that's where you went after you were ready to do Johnny Carson. Yeah. So there were three clubs. The three big clubs were the Improv, Catch a Rising Star, and the Comedy Store.
There was also then the Comedy Cellar, which I know is still thriving. So, you know, you did as many sets as you could every night. On the weekends, you could do six. You could do three in the early show and three in the late show. You were always running to a cab to get you downtown. So you could go run in right off the street sweating to do your show at the Comedy Cellar. It was crazy.
I feel like when I really felt like I was good was when I made the decree to my agent or whoever it was.
doing this i will never do more than one show a night yeah you know because sometimes they offer that like oh we can sell two shows right sorry i always hated the second show yeah when you're when you're doing the same jokes right i get i got bored of my act just doing one show a night if i even just over the weekend yeah i one reason i one well I'm saying it's a reason I stopped doing it.
But one thing I will not miss about the road is I would basically go every other weekend out and I would, it was such an easy thing. I'd take up my own plane. I'd go to fucking Cincinnati or wherever, do a show Friday night, stay over in that city, fly to the next city the next day, do the show and fly right home. I was only out of my bed one night. It was the cushiest way to do a show.
I still really didn't like the fact that on the first night, my act wasn't enough in my head. So I wasn't saying it as good as I possibly could. Totally. And the second night, I was bored with it.
Did you ever repeat the same joke?
Oh, well, you would know. Which is basically the same. Because they would not laugh the second time. Right, exactly. And then they would look at you like, you fucking fraud. But then again, I also.
That's the worst. Yes, yes. Because it's like the two orbs of your brain. The one half is saying, no. This is the logical half. I know I didn't do this joke because we're going by this order. This is why we're doing it in this order. And the other half of your brain is going, I think we did this in this show.
No, I did it once. They don't laugh.
They look at you like you're an asshole, which you are.
It's a gamble out there. When you do more than one show, you have to have a specific order. You don't have the freedom to fuck around. I love the idea. I always loved in stand-up the idea of I have a structure. But I can go away from it. But then I always come back to it. It's like being out in space on one of those spacewalks. And it's great out here in space.
Because they're going to pull you in. Unless a space storm happens like it does in every movie where they do it. They get marooned out there. But then Sandra Bullock somehow winds up back on Earth.
I mean, that was amazing, right?
It's not the old days. I love that. Yeah. I mean, I love, if I had to summarize what I loved the most about doing standup on the road. It's, they want me to do something that they feel only I can do for them.
And then I do it for them. Yeah. That's it. Yep. Because there's so many choices. I'm not, I'm not saying they never buy a ticket to another comedian, but There are, you know, a limited number of, you know, most people don't go to a lot of comedy shows in a year.
So you probably are one of their one or two or three favorite comics. So, like, you obviously do something that tickles them in a way that others don't. Yeah. And they want to get that from you. And I love being the hero. Yeah. I love delivering.
And that's, I think, what I miss most about The Road.
But I was very surprised this year, being home all the time, I don't miss it. Because people don't understand, it's such a maintenance factor to have an act. I mean, I had my show. I don't even count this podcast because I do zero preparation for this, obviously. I just show up and get high, which is great, which is a whole different thing. But an act you need to maintain.
I compare it to playing the cello. You can't just pick it up three weeks after you didn't play it. It's an everyday kind of, it's a mistress. And you've got to feed her. And if you're Bill Belichick, give her all the deeds to your property.
I should have, I'm sure. I watched the first season, and then I watched the last season.
You know what? My problem is dragons. I'm not a fantasy guy. I was a history major.
So the history part of it, the part that looked like an actual medieval kingdom, I loved. And I could tell you about medieval kingdoms till you fell asleep.
I really could.
I know. So that I like. But once you bring in the dragons, I'm kind of like... I just can't hang with Dragon.
Only they have been able to do it correctly for me. Yeah, I like the last season. I mean, it was, and I especially appreciated the last episode, which was a tribute to Shakespeare, lost on the critics, I must say.
Well, you know, it was et tu, Brute? I mean, you know, you have to kill tyrants. Mm-hmm. is what Shakespeare was saying in Julius Caesar. And it was very that. And I just don't think the modern audience gave a shit about any of that. It was like, does the handsome guy get to fuck the blonde English chick? I mean, I don't know.
But look, I'm always thrilled when HBO has a huge hit because it only helps me.
Totally. The show ends, and don't forget, this week on Real Time, Bill Mares, some fucking egghead.
But when you say very poor, what are you talking about? Were you eating Cheez-Its from a dog bowl?
No, I was poor. I was very poor. I was very poor from 18 to 27. Like college... I mean, I didn't think of it as poor because we were at college, but when I look back, I'm like, are you kidding? I lived in fucking slums. They were slums. Ithaca, New York was like Appalachia, by the way.
Appalachia, even though it's not officially part of Appalachia, yeah, Ithaca, New York, if you take away Cornell University, it's Appalachia. It's like fucking hillbillies. Very rural, very out in the country, very Trump country. Mm-hmm. I'm not equating the two necessarily. Okay.
I mean, some people are hearing this and they're like, who the fuck are they talking about? But certainly within the comic community, she's legendary. The way, like, Sue Mengers, not everybody knows who that is, but she was the first powerful woman agent. Yeah. And famous enough that they did a Broadway show about her. Bette Midler played her.
Those two things are not okay. Right. That's fine. Look, you've been talking to me for, what, an hour and a half? Yeah. Do I seem like a guy who hates you because you're— No, and I'm the same way. And I never will be.
I am. Whatever you're going to say, I am.
And I think I am, too, believe it or not. Well, I am center left. To me, a Trumper is far right. There are old school Republicans. They are hiding right now, but they do exist. That's center right. Trump is different. But we already went over that. What were we just talking about? It was so interesting to me.
Oh, yeah, so you were poor. Tell me what constitutes poor for you, and then I'm going to tell you what constitutes poor for me, because I was poor when I was in Ithaca, poor when I moved to New York City, really poor. It wasn't until I moved here where I had the cheapest apartment you could get, but because it was California... your standard of living was so much higher.
There was a bird outside your window instead of a bus. Yeah, yeah. Mic drop. Yeah.
It's not TV, it's footwear.
My last one was the best. Have you seen my last one? No. Oh. I'm not going to watch yours until you watch mine.
Why didn't you watch my last one?
I like seeing them live. I can relate to that.
Um, do you, do you know? Oh yeah. It was, I don't know what it was called. Like come to lunch or something. I used to go over her house all the time. I mean, I was lucky. She just was a fan and invited me and she'd have the most amazing dinner parties with like, like. whoever, she could just summon whoever it was.
No, I... I don't want to, like, pat myself on the back and say, no one else could do this. But I do want to ask the question, why can't anyone else do this? I just don't see that many—I would say that many people. Like, just talking to somebody else who, yes, may be a Trumper, and just not seeing them as this monster who you can't talk to. Right. I mean—
I'm not going to convince you and you're not going to convince me. And we just accept that. Yeah. And I know what their answer is, which is like, how can you? These people are doing A, B, and C. And I'm like, you know what? I can't disagree with that. I don't agree with A, B, and C, especially if A is disappearing people and B is not listening to judges and blah, blah, blah. But
Okay, we tried the, we're superior to you. You're deplorable. We're not talking to you. In fact, we can't have dinner with you because you're so deplorable. We tried that method. We tried the, I'm in the Oval Office, but I'm putting the folders in front of my face because I can't be seen with this person. I can't. I'm like, they'll never guess where we are. Right. Crazy.
The gold won't give it away. Crazy. We tried that. And maybe that has... Very little success. My method has very little success, but that one has zero. Yeah, no doubt about it. That one has zero chance of success. And again, I feel like your people, they feel very slighted. They feel like they were called deplorables. You don't want to even have dinner with us.
Larry David said I'm a Nazi. He did? Well, he said I had dinner with Hitler. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's exactly what I said when I did an interview about it. It's like, among other things, first of all, as soon as you play the Hitler card, you've kind of lost the argument unless you're really dealing with Hitler, which, yes, we're not. But agreed. Like, it is quite insulting to the ones that Hitler... I mean, Hitler, I keep calling him the goat of evil. He's the goat. Oh, yeah.
So it was like some of the new guard, you know, it'd be like, you know, Daniel Craig, fresh from the latest James Bond with Sidney Poitier and, you know, Joan Collins, you know. But so Mitzi, I feel like is similar in the comic world and somebody should do a movie about her. It sounds like she's more of a, almost better as a character.
You know, you can't... Don't try to... You know, don't answer that conversation like, who was better than Michael Jordan? Okay? It's Hitler. All right? Hitler's Michael Jordan of evil. Yeah. All right? LeBron's great. It's different. Yeah. Six rings. Yeah. Yeah. Six million people dead. And, you know, it's just like, stop it. Yep. There's different areas of it.
Genghis Khan was the Wilt Chamberlain. Genghis Khan. I don't think people give Genghis Khan enough credit for as much of a mass murderer as he was. And also a mass spreader of semen. They estimate that something like 11% of people may have, like in Eurasia, may have Genghis Khan blood. Wow. Yes, absolutely.
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He made up for all the people he mercilessly killed by fucking endlessly and impregnating so many people. So, you know, I mean, you got to balance the good with the bad. I mean, either the sperm sample cup is half full or it's half empty. And I like to think it's half full.
A lot of... Well, that's medieval history. I loved the... I mean, would you like to hear about Genghis Khan? You know more? Oh, of course. Tell us more. Well, I mean... Do you have any more pot?
Oh, you want pot? Yeah. Why don't you say so? I'm sorry, bro. Are you smoking cigarettes? I thought that was your jam. I do both. Okay.
Yeah. I got a lighter. Oh, okay. So... Well, Genghis Khan from Mongolia conquered both east and west. He got all the way to a city that I can't remember the name, but it's currently Beijing. And then went all the way, almost to the Roman Empire, but stopped. I mean, they conquered Baghdad. I mean, wherever they conquered, they were very tolerant of different ways of being and different religions.
what they were not tolerant of was any sort of objection to being subjected to Mongol rule. Then they would just fucking kill everybody.
But if you were like, okay, we're part of the Mongol Empire, they were actually very tolerant.
But nobody was more merciless or more successful for a long time. The reason they were stopped is because their warriors, which were the fiercest in history, they were raised on the grass steps of Central Asia and horses, horseback, They ran out of grass for the horses in their conquering swath. And once they couldn't get enough grass for their horses to feed, they couldn't fight.
And once they couldn't fight, they couldn't keep conquering.
Yeah, so they never got to Rome.
If they did, the conclave that was going on right now would be very different.
Yeah. Yes. That's exactly what they did. So they wouldn't know where he was buried. Right. This is the part of the podcast where people are going, I guess the pot kicked in. Wait, they're talking about Genghis Khan now? What happened to the comedy store? And Trump, now we're on to Genghis Khan is killing everybody? It is kicking in, yeah.
But you know, what people will say, because we were talking about ghosts, honestly, is that I guarantee this is already writing, they're already writing this, and it hasn't aired yet. they're well see he's a trumper believes in conspiracy theorists theories okay so they're gonna they're gonna compare this to like hillary ran a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor now
Tony, you don't really believe Hillary did run a... Okay, good. Because a lot of Trumpers do. See, this is why people have some reason to be suspicious. That's the farthest extreme of the Trump side of things. Really, what percentage of people who voted for Donald Trump or... Let's put it this way. What percentage of people in the administration...
You don't think people like Pete Hegseth and Linda McMahon and, I don't know, some of these people, Pam Bondi, you don't think they believe in things like that? I mean, Bobby Kennedy came out for chemtrails the other day. Did you see that?
And I like Bobby Kennedy, and he sat right there.
But chemtrails?
I'm going to get you invited. I can't believe they, by the way, I can handle this with, well, really any number of phone calls right now. But since you're so true blue, you should definitely get the, Like White House treatment. And he'll show you the whole fucking White House, let me tell you.
He likes showing off the White House, and I don't blame him. Of course. I don't blame him for a second.
Don't you play the Ryman? Yeah, yeah. Always was one of my favorite stops.
classy somehow classy fucking guy I love him yeah we became friends and like I know so much fun I love know the left wing hates that and you go fuck yourselves I will walk into a room with the devil if I want to you go yeah But, and again, he's another perfect example of a guy who, like, we don't agree, but, you know, that's okay.
And it's funny that people have said to me recently, like, are you mad at Kid Rock because he took it? I said, mad at him? No. I'm thankful that he extended the invitation. I'd do it again. Not again, again, because I did it once. I don't make it happen here, okay? Yeah. But no, I'm mad at him. The only thing I'm mad at him about is that he convinced me to get that shitty Bobby Darin album I got.
And her husband was Sammy Shore, who was also a comic. Yep. Not like a big comic, but not a failure. Right. I mean, club comic. Yep. I think respected among his peers. Yep. You know, one of those types who isn't that much of a Morty Gunty, you know, not really household names, but the comics know them and... Some people know them.
Oh, you did? Oh my God, it's so terrible. And he convinced me it was like the greatest thing in the world. Damn. And you had to like order it on, I mean, it wasn't like on iTunes. You had to like actually get the physical CD. The CD? Yeah.
Some record Bobby Darin made like, Like he was trying to be a hippie. Like after his splish splash, I was taking a bath.
That's interesting. I don't know why you like it. But no, I mean, you got to accept. Yeah. That's one of the things I've really come to appreciate about these last couple of decades in my life that I didn't get when I was younger. Acceptance. Everything is acceptance.
I'm still out there. Honestly, both things exist in America. And I would say, first of all, when I say accepting, I mean accepting of someone's personality. I don't mean accepting of their political policies. So don't anybody write in and say, Bill Maher said he should accept Trump. No, I don't accept Trump's bad policies. I accept humans.
On the other thing, there was a story maybe a couple of years ago of some black person walking up to some white guy's door for a very innocent reason, and the guy just shot him, some old fuck. And my answer to this is always, these people do exist in America, but they're my age. And it's not a growth industry, racism. It's just not. Those people, they do still exist in America.
Or just the person, I know people of color who've said, you know, I went into this store in, you know, fucking the panhandle in Florida, and I just got a harsh, that happens, a harsh look from someone just because your skin is browner. That absolutely does exist. Totally.
But I also have been more on the page of trying to get my mostly liberal audience to understand you're not doing yourself any favors by pretending that America isn't a very, very different place than it was 10, 20, 30 years ago. It's night and day different than 50 years ago. Exactly.
You know, I don't know if Shecky Green, you know, I don't think is as famous as Buddy Hackett. Right. But as a comic, I don't see a huge difference. Right.
I brought that up in an editorial.
I said that in an editorial, quoting Kevin Hart, who said something about never been worse. And then he, you know, I said, worse than like 100 years ago when we had that, when they bombed the shit out of, what was that city in Oklahoma where they had this, they just destroyed the entire city. Yeah, Tulsa, the Tulsa race bombing. Worse than when Diana Ross and, you know,
Willie Mays couldn't stay at the same hotel. And he fired back about like, oh, we should be thankful that we're in. No, I'm not saying you should be thankful. Right. It's not the point. And you know it's not the point. Right. I'm saying things are different. And to say everything, that things are worse than ever is just delusional.
And it's the kind of.
Since they're both dead. Yeah. I can speak freely. Yeah. You know, so, yeah. So he added, so Paul, he grew up, you know, in the cavernous attics of the comedy store, the haunted, but it's haunted, right? The comedy store. Yeah. Yeah.
Of course we all have. But I mean, it's just, I really hate that. That kind of thing is what makes me say to that wing of the party, I'm an ally until you lie. When you lie, then I can't be your ally. And I just fucking hate a lie. Just tell me what you think or what's the truth. Just don't fucking lie to me. Exactly. I'm just like an abused woman.
he's been lying to me so much lying if you just don't lie to me but it really is true like women it's like if people want to know like the main thing to do to not piss off a woman just don't lie right it's it's almost always the lying that'll get you totally i learned that are you married no Never been married? No.
Now I'm not sure about the ghost. Again. All right. Now the ghost is very much in suspicion.
You were married?
So you don't think she used you to get.
Looks like we should send her to prison in El Salvador. That's what it looks like to me. An immigrant. Who took advantage of an American, and we should probably deport without trial. That's what it looks like to me, my friend.
Yeah, because of you, right? Well, I mean. Once you marry them, they're good to go, right? Even if they get divorced, it's not like they divorced the country.
You believe that? Have you ever seen chairs move?
The sexual intercourse?
It's gotta be better than fine.
It was great. A minute ago, it would be stupendous. My ex-wife. Have you ever been married? Let's see. I'm very high. I'm going to wait and think about it. No, I've never been married. One of the proudest achievements in my life. Not because I think marriage is bad, just because I think it would have been bad for me. The fact that I was able to stick to my guns...
And not, you know, walk down the aisle. And of course, the more you listen to people who are married or were married. I mean, God, I just read that Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama, this is, said that she hated, I hated my husband for 10 years when the kids were little. Who says that? I just don't understand that. Yeah.
And then she said, but, you know, we've been together 30, so, you know, 10 bad ones, I think that's pretty good. I don't. Like, I'm not on that page. Oh, one decade of misery? Yeah. I can do that standing on my head, you know, like a mobster going, I can do 10, please.
It's crazy.
Just always tell the truth. Yeah. That's my thing. I always just, you know, they got mad at me for telling the truth about the Trump dinner. I was like, I'm just going to tell the truth. So just tell the truth. You know, I understand your apprehension because it's like, Well, then people say, I'm this moron who believes in ghosts. Look, I ain't a moron and no one thinks I am.
Don't you want to? Yeah.
That should definitely be a song.
Don't you want to?
No, it should be on Dua Lipa's album. Or Charlie C. X to the Z. I mean, don't you want to? Because you're so right. That so sums up what the argument is to people like us from... the usual, don't you wanna? And then my answer was always, no, not really. Love means not what, how do you make me feel? It's like, what's right for you?
You know, if I love you being happy more than I love whatever you're giving to me, that's when you pass into the actual love stage as opposed to just, I mean, when I was younger, it was just a, I love you. No, I love what you do for me. You know, I love how you make me feel. But that's about me. That's not love. And that's okay. But it's just not. It's something different. So, all right.
Now that we've established that, I'm going to go to the end of the show.
And I'm the first to say, I don't know if I believe in ghosts, but I know so many people who are not crazy people. They're not religious and they weren't drunk. They swear to me. And they saw something that, It's just, for lack of a better word, some sort of ghost or spirit. So what is your story?
It certainly seemed like it. Stop beating around the bush. I know. I know. It drives me crazy.
If it happened to happen to Costello, I believe it. If it happened to the Bowery Boys, it could happen to anybody.
Even if you were, I got to say, and this wouldn't hold up in court, but the truth is different than what holds up in court. The truth is, I don't know, yes, I guess when I was 19 and I got high for the first few months and it was just almost an out-of-body experience, but I've been smoking for 50 years. I could be high.
And I still don't see ghosts. Yep. I'm not close. I wish I could get that high. Yep.
It's nutritious, fast, and get this, gives you time to actually live your life. Get outside instead of prepping and cooking indoors. Get started at factormeals.com slash random50off and use code random50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Yeah, I didn't want to say because it sounds like name dropping. Okay. Who was it? Abraham Lincoln.
So if you say, even if you were high, I still don't think it would make you see a ghost. I mean, it doesn't make us hallucinate. Exactly. Exactly. So how long were you there in the room with the ghost?
I'm sure – well, yeah, I'm sure it was. I mean, no, it's not going to have a face. It's not Robert Downey. It's not a rom-com. It's a ghost. But the belly room, which you referenced there, by the way, that's for people who don't know the Comedy Store. Yeah.
So what's the ghost doing hanging out in the women's locker room? Exactly.
Well, actually it's better if it's just one.
Keep smoking it. Keep smoking them funny cigarettes, Billy.
See, that's how you handle it. I did. I invited them, the CEO, Brendan. There you go. And I told him, I don't want anything from you. I'm not looking for money. Everything's fine in that department. I go. I go, let's have a – we had some mutual people, and I was like, let's have a conversation. I go, and it's not any gotcha either.
Like, I'm not trying to get you there to be like, oh, fuck them, this, that, and the other. And we actually became friends through this whole ordeal. I love this story. They did offer some big dollars and potential for me, and I said, man, I just can't do that. I was like – and really, at the end of the day, since we're on it, it's like basically what happened is they let –
they let a fox into the hen house you know they just weren't keeping an eye on things and i was like what do you think's gonna happen when you start the ad person well for that whole dylan movaney thing you know it was just like it was like a blip but you know it obviously blew up and all this culture war shit and everything and it was like but what do you care if they have what i don't understand why that upset you so much um i don't know i don't know i'm fucking you know guys that
Watch football and fucking, you know, our dudes don't want to see. This is just bad business.
Oh, have you watched some of those videos? Like, before, whatever that turned into this, like on The Price is Right, and she was fucking hysterical.
Right. I'm just like, you know what? I keep a shit ton of beer around the house. All types of beer. Bud Light was one of them. And a million rifles. Fucking got a great MP5 machine gun. And I'm like, I'll fucking set them up. Let's have some fun.
They're always telling me I need to do more social media and this. I'm like, fuck, I got one for you.
I don't think that added anything. But the guns. Oh, it did. Because, you know, this was a day and age when people were... But they already knew you were... Yeah, they did. Yeah. Yeah, of course, they did. But nonetheless, still did it.
Dude, it's unbelievable. Unbelievable. The more I get to know him, the more we've become friends over the last eight, ten years, whatever. Yeah. I'm confident you guys would sit down and have a good time and have a laugh.
He did tell me one time. I told him last time I was coming to do the podcast. I said, I'm going to do Bill Maher's podcast. He's like, really? He's like, tell him I love him.
Yeah, right. What? I tell him I love him. I'm like, seriously. He's like, yeah, tell him I love him.
No, there was COVID going on. There was all sorts of horseshit going on. They use that as a disguise. I don't know exactly. But he won the election. Just because you don't get caught doesn't not make it a crime.
There's people going to fucking jail that fucking got convicted by 12 of their fucking peers. They're fucking innocent. It happens all the time.
And there's no question to that. Okay. So you just never convinced me and a lot of people that there wasn't shenanigans going on during COVID during that election, all this shit. It was a, that was a bananas time.
Meaning? I mean, somebody starts something and like, you see the talking points come out of like the comms and the white house or this, that, and the other. It's like, everyone gets on the same talking point. They use them a lot in the news. Now everyone's talking about this. They're saying this, they're saying, you know, the end of what is the big one now? It's a constitutional something, uh,
But let's – Everything to do with just being fucking checked out and lying for fucking four years about fucking almost everything. Like, who's running the fucking country? Okay. It was almost, it was just bananas to sit back and watch. Like, I don't wish that on any human being, you know, to, there's something wrong there, clearly. And everyone shouts with Biden. Oh, Biden.
I could already walk, like, you know, talk, like anything. And like, everyone's watching, Democrats are like standing up for him. But I'm thinking that I'd put myself in those shoes. I'm like, something's really wrong with Trump. Like, would I sit there? Like, you've kind of insinuated and asked me, asked other people, like, what's your breaking point? Like,
I don't know, but I would have to think that I'm a rational enough human being that, like, if something was that bad, I'd be like, hey, man, this is fucked up. Someone's got to, like, someone's got to step in here. Like, what the fuck is going on?
Well, so people, once they grasp onto something, they're holding onto it. They're so scared to look at it from a different angle and let go. You know what I mean? That is their fucking everything. Their safety. It's like, no, I got in this boat. I'm going to keep paddling. It's like, well, you're going upstream. You sure you don't want to turn around?
And energy. More go. And wants to win at every level. Wants to win at every level.
He doesn't. It's fucking insane, Bill. Sometimes, you know, I'll talk to him. Like, sometimes I'll call him. I told him, I said, sir, you know, you don't have to pick up my calls all the time. Like, sometimes I've had a few beers.
He's up calling my. Trust me. And then, like, and then he'll get me back. He'll call me, like, 530 in the morning and be like, hey, you up, man? And I will be because neither one of us sleep a lot. Really? You know, this and the other. But his energy level, his fight, his wanting to win, no matter what it is, like somebody with those qualities, I want fighting for me.
I want him in my corner no matter what the fight is. I understand that. We're fighting for America.
No, you said nobody better.
That's what he says, and that's part of his negotiations. That's part of the genius when he goes in and he says, like... hey, don't do this or I'll blow you fucking up. And they're like, well, you're going to do what? He's like, I'm going to blow you the fuck up. People are like, even if they believe him 5% and it keeps them from starting a war somewhere, that's the fucking guy I want. I get it.
I like it. I like a good joke. Come on.
Nashville, I know.
So the original line in that was written by a friend of mine, War Gunther. I take these songs sometimes that people have written and I rework them.
And the pendulum just swings too far. I think it's stuck. Exactly. It goes back the other way and it just doesn't have time to go like this.
Isn't that one of the best feelings outside of love, sex, like just that nostalgia feeling?
I had a road new song for me. It gets me every time.
If someone says something poignant or outside of the box or something that's just different, I write it down, whether it's a title or a line or anything.
Oh, it's called a podcast.
Which is also saying like someone gave me a brick and I built the White House. There's a lot more work entailed. I was just going to say. As you know, as a comedian, you write down like the one thing, but it sparks something in you. And then I've learned over the years to write more and more down. Like the dumbest shit you would think at the time, but you just write it down.
Sometimes you forget about it. You go back through your notes, through a chord you wrote, through a voice recording, through whatever it is. And, you know, you write a hundred and maybe one of them hits.
No, not at all. No, I think DC needs a cleansing and it's getting... Yeah, but not the way they're doing it. It's very... I think it's yet to be seen.
It is kind of constituted as songwriting now. Like, you know. Is what? In a weird way, it's a very slippery slope in songwriting. Like, you know, like in Nashville, they call it write a word, take a third. You know what I mean? It's like if a four guy sit in a room and you come in and you got a melody and like a hook or something, and there's a fourth guy sitting there that just, you know, changes.
Right, right. One line of the song, he gets a third. I'm no stingy motherfucker. I like think, you know, I think people would tell you I take care of people around me, you know, sometimes give more than what's due. But at other times, I'm like, too, like, wait a minute. Let's fucking call this what it is. You know what I mean? Like, I came with this and this. You came with this.
Let's let's talk about split up the percentages.
Sometimes I'll just give people fucking more. But that didn't happen till I was rich.
I've seen that all the time. That happens a lot. Pop music and hip-hop and stuff. It's even happening in Nashville now.
And I don't even know where the... If you say anything negative about Beyonce, you're racist. It happened to me years ago. I said, Beyonce something... I said, I think she's beautiful. She's talented. Always been kind to me. I know her runnings, know her father, know her sister. I've known him through the years. Right.
And I was like, I just don't understand how she can be this big, but she doesn't have like a purple rain or like a sweet home Alabama or an old time rock and roll, like a, A song that no matter who you are, no matter what you think, this, that, and the other, it's like, fuck, that's good. This, that, and the other. I know the specifics of this, that, and the other.
Her fucking beehive came after me. They're like, this, that, and the other. And I was out fucking hunting. I think that... Wait, Bill, you appreciate this. It's like, just flooding my shit, blowing all my shit up. I don't give a fuck about anything. I'm like, wrong guy to fuck with. I'm like, I'm going to think about this. I just... Her...
Her fan club or something was called The Bayhive, The Beehive, or something like this. So I just posted a can of Raid and was like, fuck y'all.
All right, let's start there, right? So I don't know much about that. I don't know how much you know about it, but just a little common sense would tell me that maybe, just maybe, I don't know, I'd have to make a couple phone calls. that technology has probably changed significantly since, let's say, the 80s. If they needed 10 people to look over a bomb, they might only need two now. I don't know.
Oh, please. You think kids know Don't Stop Believin'? I'm talking about you got to put a certain, you know, generation on it at some point.
No dancing, no lip syncing. Do I actually have a... Right? You said coliseum. I got an old rhyme. Isn't that what... Yes, but I got an old rhyme that I never used, like an old dirty rhyme. See, that's again... You just sparked us like a... That evocation. And my dick's so thick, you know it ought to be bronze. Then put on display in a museum with my nuts swinging low so the host can come see them.
That was actually started written by Morgan Wallen, Mitchell Tenpenny. Really? A couple other guys. This was before Morgan Wallen blew up, and I remember this. I got a demo of it. I can't remember what. And I just couldn't get over the voice on it. I was like, who the fuck is singing this demo? It was Morgan Wallen. And he wrote that? He was one of the writers on that.
Now, I took that song and I reworked it. Right. Put it in my thing, which I've done, you know. Right. Normally, I'm writing, you know, I would say 80% of my songs with one of my go-to friends like Uncle Cracker or John Eddy or somebody. You know, I don't do the Nashville writes where people say, let's get together at 3 p.m. and write a song. I'm like. Right.
Let's just fucking hang out, and if some shit sparks off, let's start writing it down.
Yeah. It didn't work all right, but yeah, it was actually on that. That was them.
That was written by a young man in Louisiana who sent it to me, same thing. It's funny, all the songs you like were started by someone else that I could shay. His name was Shea something through a friend of mine, Steven Peterman, that played for the Lions. Knew him. It's either Mississippi or Louisiana, one or the other. But yeah, just give me a cold beer.
Most gay people do.
You got me a couple times.
You might just be fucking.
I've come to know that more and more.
But I think it's a reasonable thought.
I can tell you what he's saying.
I was born in a crossfire hurricane. Which they named the investigation after. I was drowned by some in the pouring rain. Yeah. I was... with a spy crat through my head. Yeah, something was. You don't remember it either. This is where it's tough to argue with drugs are bad. No, it's because. Listen to the lyrics of Tumbling Dice.
Because like all of us, he wanted to be a black man.
I met a gin-soaked bar room. I met? I met a gin-soaked barmaid down in Memphis. She tried to take me upstairs for a ride.
Lady, then she covered me in roses.
Blew my mind. I don't.
Incredible. No, when the songs are. Incredible. We actually came up a version for this next tour of I come out of this new song, which I'm going to make people suffer through a new song, which at my level in the career, it's like, you know, like you're not waiting for God rest his soul for Tom Petty's new song. You know what I mean? Played fucking hits. I understand that.
But I'm like, when you get a good one, I'm like, all right, I'm going to make them suffer through this. And I'm not going to give them a chance to go to the bathroom or go get a drink or something. So I'm going to play it second. And that's how you get them to suffer through it.
But at the end, then we do this, what I call like an Ike Turner, Ike and Tina Turner version of I Know It's Only Rock and Roll, which gets me off too because it's exciting for me to like, Do this version and get into this groove, you know? Like, sometimes you got to do shit for yourself to keep yourself into it. Most of the time.
That's what I had to do to get... But why? Because obviously you could always sing. Because, like, rap metal was the big shit, right? And... And I had been in the trenches for 10, 15 years at this point. Really? Not making any money. I had a kid. You know, blah, blah, blah. It was like kind of do or die time.
They're still using a typewriter?
Before cocking in that era? Oh, yeah. When I was 14, you know, I was going at it. And then when I was 19, I was torn with Ice Cube and Too Short. I had released a record on Jive Records on RCA. When I was 18, that sold like, it must have sold 10 or 15 copies. Which is actually funny because it was this dirty record, Too Short produced some of it and some other folks.
And then Vanilla Ice came out and that kind of crushed that because I was this little dirty fucking white boy from Detroit. And I remember sitting in a record company, I'm like, you can't get any of my songs fucking anywhere. This record ain't selling. I'm fucking 18. They had the labels like, You said suck my dick in every song about four times. And I'm like, hmm, hmm, hmm, all right.
But then it came Do or Die. Doing that record, it was like, and I actually sent in, like when I got signed to Atlantic, some like kind of Rolling Stones, you know, bluesy rock feeling songs. And they were like, what the fuck are you doing? They're like, we signed you because of some of this rap metal shit you did. And I was like, I can do that shit in my sleep. They were like, then do it.
Well, they're in that cave in Pennsylvania writing stuff out, like for retirement or something. Yeah. Whatever that thing was. Like a limestone cave in Pennsylvania or something. They're doing it. Like, we can only do 10,000, you know, a month. Like, retirement, whatever. Like monks. And they're like... Monks. They're like down.
and i did it and you know it's fucking sold 14 million copies off it right i thought i was going to stay there and i'm like i wrote this country song i think it's pretty good i had cheryl crow sing on it picture and they're like you're gonna fucking ruin your career what are you doing i'm like i'm just doing what i think feels good what sounds good what i like what i think people want to hear.
I didn't want anything to do with fucking country music when I was a kid. My parents used to listen to it. I'm like, fuck this. I'm like, oh, fucking goddamn fucking rebel. And that hip hop came out. I'm like, oh, yeah. Unfortunately, like rebellion nowadays has turned into like, at least sometimes I think about it and it's half joke, half serious. It's like, you know, you rebel.
I'm like, fuck, I'm going to cut the lawn in my parents' house. I'm going to fucking listen to fucking Run DMC and fucking NWA and fucking like, but I really loved it. And now it's turned into like, I'm going to cut my dick off and put a dress on and piss my dad off. You can't tell you don't think some of that's going on.
Well, there's very small percentages.
Okay. But it's been blown way out of hand, you will admit.
They're like... It's like, who the fuck is supposed to be watching this shit? Our politicians, right?
That's the body you were born in.
Well, I will show off fucking whatever I have to do to make sure that girl that I have my eye on wants to talk to me. I'm fucking, yeah. I will not go up to a girl and say, hi, my name's Bob. How are you?
It all comes back to pussy. I wish I had some shoes made out of that shit. I mean. It don't ever get old.
I heard it said once, I can have every girl I don't want.
I had a good one with Elon at the fight. A good relationship? No, we're just talking. Like, I don't know him that well. You know, we text a little bit here and there, but like, we're talking and I don't think I, I don't like to speak out of school, but I don't think this is speaking out of school.
It's like, so we're sitting there and like, now we're just, you know, three, four hours into the UFC fight. We're hanging out and like, these ring girls are walking around at Madison Square Garden. And I'm like, and I've been noticing this all night. I'm like, these girls are not that hot. And he's like, he gives me this stare and he's like, hot women are very scarce.
And I'm like, ooh, he's kind of right. I look at him a little bit longer and I'm like, so are cool dudes with shit tons of money. And we had a good laugh off that for a while.
I think a lot of politicians deserve that colonic, that jackhammer up the ass. Yeah. I mean... Just what's coming out. I don't care if it's Republicans or Democrats. I mean, for years, it's just been like the status quo. And all this shit's just going on, and nobody thought to take a fucking peek at it with our tax dollars?
What is it? That's pretty good. It's actually true. It's in your song. Yeah, it is. Nowadays, I spend more time at Toys R Us. Which is totally fucking true. Right. Trust me. Rather than picking up a hot take, I'm more worried about when I'm going to get my granddaughter for Christmas.
I'll walk into a dive Irish bar and every girl in there will think I'm fucking Elvis. Yes. Was it so terrible? No complaints here.
Really? No. Elon? Most dumb guys like us are like, she looks really smart. She looks super smart.
We should hang out sometime because we're probably not chasing the same pussy. We're not. Bingo. See, that's why we're friends. We just broke through. Break on through to the other side.
No, they were together for a while. Then she shit on his computer. That was hilarious. God bless Johnny Depp. Yes. For standing up and fighting.
There's a lot of women that are misfucking treated. That's a fact. Yes. And then you got these other fucking bitches who fucking shake down fucking men or attempt to shake down men, scare the fuck out of them. And you're like, wait a minute.
You're a clairvoyant. You want me to explain it to you?
Romantic justice is a woman spends the best years of her life with you, and you're having sex with this, that, and the other. You should take care of her at some level.
Yeah. Didn't anyone call you Billy? Yeah, as a kid. Oh, yeah, everybody. My brother's Billy. My dad's Bill. My brother Billy liked to smoke funny cigarettes. So my dad Bill was a staunch Catholic and a very conservative Republican. So I didn't want to be disrespectful, but I'd rather call you Billy. Go ahead. I'm not Billy.
Oh, is that a name? There are. You know, Paul McCartney told me it's not cool to drop names.
Billy and Bobby. Two Midwestern boys, Billy and Bobby.
I've heard you say that.
I loved it. It's boring. Loved it. I've been going to church recently, and I found a good Baptist church by me where they got music. Like, I want to go worship your music. You know what I mean? Everything's better with a soundtrack. So that's why you're making this gossip album? This gospel album? I've been into gospel for a long time. I love it.
Some of the good songs, Tom T. Hall, Meet the Jesus. Elvis made a gospel album. A lot of people make gospel records. Yeah, of course. What was the name of it?
Because I'm halfway to Jesus. I can feel love between us. The book of John, eternal light. No, eternal light, the book of John. Yahweh keeps us moving on because I'm half. Halfway to Jesus. Lord, you know I've made mistakes. I was lost in a sea of snakes. These days I spend my time trying to make things right. No more running blind. I finally see the light, and I'm half, halfway to Jesus.
You still got that little motherfucker over here going like, hey, don't you want to party and hang out with bitches? You're like, hey, man, go to Toys R Us. Get something for your granddaughter.
But what is devilish about hanging out with girls? Well, it could be devilish depending on what terms you're hanging out with them on.
I've never heard— But still, like, if you have a couple girls, and you like them both— And you're in a single situation. You're an adult. And you're very upfront, like, hey, I'm not ready for a committed relationship, this, that, and the other. I can't believe you're still working this. And you're in a position that we are. We have money.
There's a celebrity component involved, this, that, and the other. Somebody's going to be hurt.
So that is someone else's problem? You don't have any empathy for their feelings? What?
Looking for a little advice, Billy.
First thing I did when I became single after this last relationship was fucking snip. Oh, really? Absolutely. How could you do that to yourself? It's fucking actually hilarious. The process of doing, do you want to hear about my vasectomy? I do. Absolutely. This would be good podcasting. Good podcast. Right. So I'm like, I'm like, fuck. I'm like, this is a whole new world.
I'm like, I didn't expect to be here, but I'm here. And I'm like. You know, shit's happening. I'm like, all right, I got to get these things cut off or whatever they do. Well, they're not cutting your balls off. No, I understand that now, but I never really looked into it. And you still did it without looking into it? No, no, I looked into it.
Do you want to hear about my vasectomy? I do. I can't believe I'm going to admit this on whatever we're on. It's a club.
I did the fucking research, talked to some guys at the dentist, and everybody was funny. So, like, the lead-up to it is kind of like the scary part. Right. Like, you know, all the shit they prep you for and this, that and the other. I'm like, hey, I need to get that thing, you know, snipped or whatever they do. So who did you talk to for this?
They said it didn't hurt. It was this, that and the other. Blah, blah, blah. You know, I didn't know that, you know, I'm under the impression, like, they just cut your nuts off? Like, no, no, no, they just cut a little thing in there, like this, that, and the other. So you talk to some ballist people?
So wait, wait, I go, so finally it's day to do it, and I'm like, fuck, got to go through with it, like, in there, like. So sitting there with the fucking, do you know the worst part about it? Yes. The worst part of all, what? They're cutting your... No. It's another dude washing your balls, getting ready for surgery. There's a dude down there like, this is going to be a little uncomfortable.
Now, here's the fucked up part, Bill, that I can't believe I'm going to admit this on whatever we're on. Is that you're like sitting there and there's a dude washing your balls. Now, think about this. Someone starts scratching your back and you don't know who it is. Feels good. Right. Right. And I'm like, fucking baseball. Who hit the most home runs in history?
I'm like, if I fucking pop a boner right now, am I gay? I'm like, this is fucked up. And then the doctors are... By the way, you know what the doctor's name was? Not making this up. Dr. Johnson. No shit. So I'm already having a good laugh in there. Now I'm at a table. He comes in like, shit. Bernie's like, what type of music you want to listen to? I'm like... Anything keeps you calm? Right.
Motherfucker puts on Metallica. I'm like, ah, he's pretty funny. He's pretty funny. Like, all right. So we're having a little banter back and forth. You can't feel nothing. You're numbed up. And, like, smoke's flying out by your nuts and shit. And you're like. What? Yeah, like, they're soldering it or doing something where they, like, do something.
And, like, this Sandin, he's like, now they talk to you, right? You can't. You have to, like. ejaculate 20 times and then send in a sample so we know all the sperms out there. I'm like, 20 times? I'm like, fuck, I got shit to do tomorrow. You just ruined my whole day.
But do you have to have... And then we have two straws and a Bud Light.
Absolutely. I actually suggested that when I was talking to Bud Light.
Hardship and pain and things in between, but, you know, you get older, you get wiser. Yeah. See, this could be you and President Trump's story. I'm what? This could be you and President Trump's story. We're older, we're wiser, we've gone through a lot of things differently in politics, come to a spot where, like, I guarantee you guys could sit down and be like...
You're like, you would see what I see. They would see what I know in this man and be like, motherfucker's cool.
Because of your TV show?
I am not ever... But you've got two good things working for you. You cannot bribe me. You're very smart. You're very... You stay informed. And you have comedy on your side. It's kind of what I do in music, which is probably why you like what I do a little bit. You're like, I can say something poignant, something maybe you don't agree with your life, but you're like, it brings me back over here.
You're also telling me at the same time that a lot of my songs spark nostalgia and you make you feel a certain way. So there's kind of a double-edged sword there a little bit.
There's nothing that you enjoy without a soundtrack.
Well, I think it goes back to just being real. You know, it's just being real. And I think it's, luckily somehow I figured it out and you must have too when we were both a lot younger.
If they just did The Voice of God and said, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Maher and you didn't have Green Day's bump, bump, bump, ba-da-dum, bump, bump, playing music. Anything you can think of, there's music. Anything.
Yeah. Was that like the... Yeah, yeah.
I used to wear my hair like Kid.
What's his name, Christopher?
I loved that when I was young. You know who the producer was? It was Herbie Lovebug.
Also did Salt-N-Pepa.
When are you going to come see me in Nashville? We need to come to the middle of the country, Bill, not just go do a show. You need to come to my farm in Alabama and hang out.
You own yours. Mine has middle fingers on the tail. Really? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't... American Badass with two middle fingers. Nothing to see here, folks, when we fly in. But when you're giving the finger to, like, just anybody, does that lose its... You know, I actually worried about it a little bit when I decided, I'm like, ah, fuck it, put middle fingers on. I was like...
It's like, fuck, you know, the real, I figured it out when I was young and I was trying to fit into the black communities I was hanging in, you know, crafting my trade and like, you know, wearing troop suits and shit. And, you know, people just basically thought I was an idiot, which I was.
I was like, I actually have a conscience where I don't want to offend children and shit like this. I actually think about this stuff. And with my shows, I'm like, if you brought your kid to the show, that's fucking up to you. I'm doing my show. But when I fly into any airport, Bill, everybody's smiling. I'll bet. They're doing this. They're having a good laugh.
And I'm like, fuck, I feel like I'm doing the work of God at that point because I'm putting a smile on people's faces.
I know, because you're just... I asked your boy earlier, I'm like, is that my hat from Rolling Stone?
That's like a double. So I've always wanted to do a triple album called Kid MF Rock. Like, picture a piece of vinyl opening up, right? Kid motherfucking rock. The kids, a collection of more country Americana songs. The motherfucking is like my hardcore hip-hop shit, and the rock is like these rock tunes. But all new? Yeah, just the last few years. I put these together.
I just love to go to the studio and write and record, and I dare say I've gotten better.
And then I just started being myself at a really young age, wearing my little skateboard shit and this and that. I was a good DJ. And people just liked me more because I was myself. And I learned that very young and just took that with me.
Yes, he did. Fucking, I was there sitting in the front.
And I remember sitting there, and I'm all fucked up. And somebody leans over to me. And they said, Prince is having an after party. Prince is sitting right here next to me, like where you are, basically. And I'm sitting at this table. I'm like, Prince is having an after party. And he wants to know if you want to come over and maybe play or something.
I guess I'm like, well, the motherfucker is sitting right there. Tell him to lean over and ask me. I didn't get invited. Sure.
We might know some women.
But I told you, I was just fucked up and young and, like, the height of my shit, like, being a little cocky, you know, piece of shit. Like, you know, like, yeah, motherfucker's right there. Tell him to lean over and ask me. They're like, yeah, he's not inviting you. I'm like, ah, damn, I kind of wanted to go.
I think a lot of musicians fuck up because they got this thing from all their people around them. Whatever the case may be, they're like, how do we get the younger generation into this? I'm like, fuck the younger generation. I'm just going to roll with mine. Right.
They're all welcome, but.
Not literally. They tell me these are why the algorithms and shit don't fucking. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, ask somebody who gives a fuck. Like, I have zero fucks left in my pocket.
As a matter of fact, I'm trying to figure a way to give him some of his money, and I'm like, because he's running, like, social media for Kraken. Oh. He's in that crypto or whatever that world is. Okay. This and the other and kicking ass at it and, like, loves his job. I mean, just, I'm like, it clearly skips a generation, like. Just a great family man, great everything.
My best accomplishment in my life is my son, hands down. Oh, hands down. And my granddaughter, I mean, her and my grandson are close second. I mean, but they might even overtake him. We'll see. But he's an absolute genius at that stuff. Like, I actually hit him this morning about this post of something political. I'm like, should I fuck with people and just put this out?
And my son hits me back pointedly. He's like, well, that's how you get more. He's like, he said something to the tune of, if you just try to promote something, the algorithms don't let it go out as much. But if you put it into a thing where you repost something and then you make a comment on it while you're promoting such said thing, like, that works.
And I'm like, I don't fucking understand any of that shit. No, I don't either.
We just saw that in the election. I mean, Trump got more than a black vote. I was actually talking to him about it before he did the inauguration speech. I was like, sir, don't forget. It was actually kind of funny that you got the biggest black vote in the history of a conservative party, like this, that, and the other. Make sure you touch on that.
The problem is Elon can't afford him.
He's making his own way. No, I told him years ago, and he's talented as shit. That motherfucker can sing, like, The Weeknd, like Michael Jackson. Really? Yeah, but just to know that fucking, like, I don't know what it was in me that, like, There was no quit. Like I was going to die on that mountain. There was no fucking fallback. Like, why don't you want to get an education?
So, you know, I'm like, nope. I'm like, I'm a thousand percent in it and I'm going to work my dick off.
Oh, I remember being at a Christmas party and... someone trying to explain to my grandfather that I was a rapper. And he's like, oh, like Vanilla Ice?
He was. We're actually... I would consider ourselves friends now. But back then, when you're trying to get... When I'm like, fuck this and fuck that and suck my dick and fucking blah, blah, blah. And he's like, don't go... And I'm like... And they're like, so you say you're a white rapper. It's like... You know, people didn't know enough to go like, if they went like, oh, like the Beastie Boys?
I think I was at the show when they... I was at all these early hip-hop shows. Just used to get the shit beat out of me. Went every time. Shit beat out of you for what? Just for being a white guy at a rap show? Pretty much. Really? Oh, yeah. Jamatron Street Festival, the Fresh Festivals. And do you think that... Be a snatcher. They have some fake gold chain on. Check that chain.
Well, I looked like an idiot, too. Like, you know, this little white guy. I'm like, I guess I better get a do-rag and wear it. This is cool and hip-hop and I can spin on my head. Did that embitter you, do you think, toward black people? No. No? Not at all. Right. Not at all. I mean, fuck, I used to go to public enemy shows, you know, whenever it's coming up and
And it was like this pro-militant black shit. And I'd be like, yeah. Because I love the music.
I was talking to some of my black friends about this, that, and the other, and he did. He touched on it. You know, that excites me. He still does. Yeah, you know.
Right. There you go.
Just what you said earlier. Cold beer. It all comes together right. Yeah. I might not agree with the fucking message or might not understand the message. No, I get it.
We're helping places out.
I mean, are we going to put some context to that or not?
Okay, do you like people who talk real? Do you want a filtered president who sits there and reads everything off a teleprompter? Or do you want this guy who once in a while says things and says it? I mean, there's a happy medium.
This guy's clearly smart enough to be president of the United States fucking twice. You're right. Who's the brain fart? It's the liberals. have farted fucking for years on their own brains over and over again. And you know the definition of insanity. We don't need to explain it. This, that, and the other. And they won't get off it.
It's like, so you might as well start practicing right now, President J.D. Vance.
No, you said it the first time. I watch your show religiously. Even sometimes I don't agree. I watch a lot of different things. But I really enjoy your show. God, I'm glad. And not just fucking, you know. I'm glad. So you're blowing it. But I'm like. He's going to try and contest the election. Well, of course he did because of the COVID bullshit and all the shit that was going on.
And now you're going to go down this rabbit hole again saying, like, he's going to run for a third term. He's not fucking Putin. Okay.
It fucked everything up. People lost their fucking businesses. They lost it in liberal cities like L.A. and Chicago and shit.
No, I'm just saying it was fucking very confusing. The way to fucking get people to think a certain way is confusing the fuck out of them.
I got the vaccine because my dad had cancer at the time. And I wanted to see my dad during, you know, this end of the day. I'm like, you know the shit I put in my body? I'm like, it can hit me.
Well, I hope he's better than that. I'll tell you what a fucking guy Trump is and what a friend he is. During my dad was in hospice, he called me all the time to check how's your father. Just out of the blue. This guy called me four times during the inauguration just to talk. Maybe because I don't drill him with policy all the time, this and the other. Right.
We've developed this friendship of like, fuck this, fuck that. Like, how's it going? Like, I mean, I can't tell you what a tremendous fucking friend this man has been. I'm glad to hear that. Not him, but his whole family. Like, people like, there's, I just... I just can't tell you enough, Bill.
The ever-comedian Bill. I like it.
Well, after I did your show the first time years ago, you don't remember. Let me just interject one second, like politically incorrect. Yeah, yeah. I was not a big star yet. I was on my ascension. Someone talked your people into it. You didn't know me. And I went on that show, and I never forgot it. And we talked about this last time. We went and had dinner, met Bill Clinton. Yep.
With Gregory Peck and these people.
I forgot. And then I started watching years later with your new show now, and I'm like, I hate this motherfucker. Honestly, I'm like, this little ugly motherfucker, fucking beady-eyed, fucking goddamn Jew. And I find out you're Catholic. I'm like, goddamn, you know what I'm talking about. I kept watching because it was like one of those train wrecks you can't turn off.
And I'm like, the senator's in. And I'm like, man, you know what? This motherfucker's kind of like me in a lot of ways. He's real. I might not agree with him. Right. Don't agree with him. But he's fucking real. And I'm like, and now look at us sitting here. I know. Talking like, would you consider me a friend at this point?
I would consider you one too.
It's only good. And imagine if this can happen between you and President Trump, right? When you want to set a precedent for people coming together, bringing this country together. You guys sit down and be like, I like you did this, this, and just have a conversation. Yeah.
You might be able to influence that by being a friend of his.
You don't have to go suck his dick. I won't. No, I know you won't. But I guarantee, and by the way, you guys doing that could set a huge precedent for the world.
They don't. I see this in the fucking music business all the time. Really? These motherfucking lefties and they're like, think they're going to be this big black savior. And it's like, you're a fucking idiot. Like, you just don't fucking understand.
You'll get on Air Fuck One.
Well, he's here. President Trump doesn't care if people disagree this, that, and the other. Well, I wouldn't go that far, Bob. No, no, no. I remind him all the time. I'm like, Mr. Trump. I'm like, President Trump. Don, don't forget. Don't forget. And Bill, you can attest to this. A little bit like that E. Jean Carroll thing.
I mean, you don't think that's fucking like, okay, a civil case over something fucking $200 million and people are like, what the fuck is going on?
Well, now we're at sexist. Let me keep drilling you a little bit. We'll get there.
Clinton... 20 fucking years before the fact in a civil court? Okay, I'm saying... In New York City?
They know a black musician. Yeah. Who plays in a band. They know of a black musician. Who's this, that, and the other. They don't know the streets. They don't know, you know, fucking – I'm not going to say real black people, this, that, and the other, but, you know.
Well, the bottom line, let's say some of this stuff and all of it's true, like, whatever, let's just go with that angle. Like, did Trump bang a porn star? Stormy Daniels. Well, that did happen.
A lot better than banging your fat intern. Yeah.
I mean, if we had to vote on that alone, I'd be like, oh, yeah, Trump.
No, but what I'm talking about is like, who do we want fucking running the country? I think we can't get good leaders running. And this is serious. I think we can't get good leaders because everyone's going to dig through your fucking past and they're going to find some shit.
Fuck it. I stand before God as my witness. I'm a sinner. No question. At what level? Not that fucking bad. Right. You're not a rapist. Fuck no. But I mean, like, this is why we can't get good leaders. You know, people that run fucking companies and know what they're fucking doing.
People are in the fucking streets and know what they're fucking doing.
Right. No one wants to be subject to that. And I'm like, wait, we're trying to run the business of America. This is what first got me into Trump. I didn't know him at all. And I said it in Rolling Stone, I'm like, I don't fucking let the business guy run it. America's a business and the business of America is fucked. Last I checked, I'm like, let him do it.
So if you go in there and tell people, hey, we're going to stop the fucking corruption and we're going to do it at every fucking level, you might get something wrong. We're going to go fucking do this? Who's done this? In our lifetime, who's done this?
It's to make America fucking profitable.
We're going to go through the Pentagon. My boy Pete Hegseth is running it. He's my fucking neighbor in Nashville. I've known him for years. Work out. Do you know Pete Hegseth? Fucking very well. Really? We used to work out every fucking morning at my house. Give him this. Uh-huh. Just tell him to put it with the others.
Well, how well do you know him? I first met him at Rob O'Neill's wedding. Okay. The guy who shot Bin Laden. The guy who shot Bin Laden? Yeah, Rob O'Neill. You know who that is? He's a very good friend of mine. So he was a senior. He gave me the sledgehammer that went through Bin Laden's fucking bedroom. Really? I gave them the lyrics for Born Free.
That's a pretty valuable... I'm actually going to probably put it somewhere eventually. I've been a little selfish with it. What about the museum? I'm going to put it in a museum.
I might put it in my new restaurant. Oh, you're opening a restaurant? We're rebranding a restaurant in Nashville that was an old Detroit establishment called Joe Muir's as the Detroit Cowboy. And what's it going to be called? The Detroit Cowboy. But I feel like I've been selfish with some of these things that I have. And I don't know if a museum's the right spot or whatever.
I mean, it's better than... I'm like, you gave me a... We played the bigger dick game. Like, we'll walk through my house, have a few drinks. I'm like, if I write a poignant song, even the start of it or whatever, I'll frame those lyrics. I've done this since probably picture. Since Cowboy, I did it. And...
because I know they might bring money one day for charity, for something, whatever, whether it's my granddaughter or for charity. And we're walking to my house years ago and when I'm at my house in Michigan and I'm like, you know, dude, you should have these. Gave them to him. He's like, I'm giving you something. I'm giving you a sledgehammer, what you've been lying to us with.
Now, they might drive into a certain community and be like, oh, I'm fucking around here because they're going to fucking lynch my ass. You know what I mean? Shit like that, like we're driving in a nice neighborhood.
I'm like, you're going to give me a piece of American history for that shitty song? I'm like, you want to play the bigger dick game? Come with me. We went out to my car barn, and I collect cars in Detroit. I walked out, and I'm like, pick out any fucking car you want. That's baller. And I got some pretty high dollar shit in there. One of the first V16s from 1930, Cabriolet fucking Cadillac. Wow.
Probably 800 grand or something for a GT sitting there. He's like, I got this fucking shitty-ass limo from the 1970s that arrived from West Coast Customs. Did an incredible job on it. Made it into some American badass shit. It's got logos on it. It's triple black. It's got TVs and smoke suckers in the back. Rob's like, I want that limo. I'm like, don't take that fucking limo. Grab something else.
I couldn't talk him out of it. And it's still sitting in my garage to this day. It's his limo.
Well, I don't know. It's yet to be determined.
I've given away a few cars, but I'm no Elvis. Although Trump calls me Elvis all the time. He does? Trump calls you Elvis? Better than Elvis.
Fuck the art of the deal. The art of making people feel good, I think, is more important in life. You know, it makes me feel good when he says that. I know it's... Exactly. I know there's a level of bullshitness in there. I'm not fucking better than Elvis. I'd never believe that in a million years. But, you know what I mean? That my friend says that to me. I agree.
To make me feel good when I'm recently, you know, broke up after a long relationship. This in there, I'm like, that's a fucking friend.
Bill, we prefer to call it in Detroit where I grew up, bullshit. Yeah, it's bullshit. But you know what? Good bullshit is good bullshit.
I'm not that old, Bill. I'm from Jimmy Carter on.
You have to be charming at some level to be anybody in life. Would you consider yourself charming?
I'm basically Hollywood's kryptonite when you break it down. And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to hang out with Tom Hanks. I want to hang out with Forrest Gump. You know what I mean?
You know, when I went on your show tonight, the real time, I'm like, I'm like, that takes, you know, what you do. I'll give you some props. I'm not sucking your dick. I'm tickling your balls a little bit. I'm like, it takes a certain, you know, thing to be able to go and read those lines and do them and interject and this, that, and the other. It's a real skill.
I'm not reading lines, except at the end. Yeah, there's a teleprompter right in front of you reading lines. Okay, well— I'm talking to my—you know, the shit, this, and the other. Like, what's wrong with it? I'm saying it still takes, like—
Another accolade. I'll fucking bow down to you for that. Okay, but the monologue. Because you're in a position where you could have a shit ton of writers
That's kind of like what I'm doing with the songs I explained.
No, a lot of times I've used a prompter is like when I have... certain guests, like huge stadium shows where I have a ton of featured guests, you know, like big name singers. And like, we're going to do those. I'll put them on there for them. Like I can, I can make a word rhyme with anything.
Right. It was Bertolt Brecht. One of my favorite artists ever. Bobby Darin? Bobby Darin. Listen to songs from the Big Sur. You want to hear some rock and roll?
Beyond the sea. No? Hamid Erdogan used to compare me to Bobby Darin. He's like, you're my young Elvis or Bobby Darin. Yes. Oh, I used to roll a ballroom turkey with him like fucking ever. I'm the last chapters. Have you read The Last Sultan?
It's basically the story of music. I'm the last chapter, ball with the ball in Budrum, Turkey. No, I know he was a badass dude. But I never knew why he used to compare me to Bobby Darin. And then I got ahold of this album, Songs from the Big Sur. Bobby Darin? Fucking genius. What kind of song? Oh, like, he's like... Where I born, we ain't got no river flowing through my backyard. Bobby.
Bobby Darin's like doing rock and roll fucking blues soul music. I mean, it sounds like it was produced in Muscle Shoals, Alabama or something. This album is fucking incredible. Just download it. Well, everyone's going to download it now that's watching this. It's fucking insane. I mean, I never would have thought that about Bobby Darin. Neither. But he even says in one of his songs...
You know, he had Splish Splash, I was taking batteries, like, and the cash from the splash had me feeling like a one-record flash. So he went off and did his own thing. It was never big, this, that, and the other. But he does one of the first rap songs you've ever heard. Me and Mr. Horner sitting on a corner, not doing nothing to no one.
When a squad car stops and outjunk cops, you're one of them if I ever saw one. What line does he say in that song? He says, he says, he says, You're a draft card dodger if I saw one. I can tell by your looks that you read too many books about wars and that's because you ain't been in one. And he's rapping to shit like whoever was 60, late 60s. Yes. Early 60s. Late 60s, I think. I can't remember.
I mean, he was not.
I might have my dates wrong, but I'm fucking wrong overall.
No, I'm trying to find me Mr. Horner.
Let's go swing swords and everybody have fun.
And I find that every day. People that approach me and say whatever to me, you know, if I'm out and about in public, which I always am, I find it all the time. What do they say to you? Black people? Any people. But yeah, what do black people say to you? They say a lot of different things, but I mean...
I'm doing seven arena shows. Okay. Celebrating. Mike, what cities are we talking about? Oklahoma, Kansas City, Milwaukee, Target Center, Minnesota. I can't remember which other ones. I own a piece of these Rock the Country festivals, which we started a festival, Bill. You know what my thing was when they approached me and offered me a percentage of it? I was like...
Hey, let's do a festival of music for hardworking people who love this country. Can you believe no one's done that? Well. We were profitable our first year. And then the rock and rodeo. And I do a comedy, American Badass Comedy Jam in Nashville during comedy week. Which all goes to charity.
It doesn't say on the poster, don't come, unless you're a pink Okami. I tell people all the time, don't come to our festival. If you think men should be in women's sports and fucking this and that, I'm like, don't come.
You're sitting there motherfucking Trump every week. And then I'm like, well, OK, he does that.
Why would you put that boundary on yourself?
The peaceful transfer of power happened. He gave Joe Biden the keys. He did.
Is there only one bathroom down here?
People that are real, just like you're sitting here talking to me, and we're going to have a good conversation, and I wouldn't dare say we've become friends. I hope so. We have different opinions on a lot of things, but we both have our truths, and we keep it real with each other, and we can speak about this shit, and we can find some things in common, and we can move on.
Yeah, white woke liberals think I'm a racist.
Fuck yeah. Then to them, fuck yeah, I am. Fuck them. I'd rather just fucking horndog into them and be like, yeah.
Which is why movies have gotten so shitty. Who's going to make Step Brothers or something again? Everybody's dancing around. You know, as a comedian, scared to fucking say this and that. It's like, no wonder everything got so shitty. It's not funny anymore.
Yeah, we start asking children at a young age, like, how does that make you feel? Shut the fuck up. Like, how does that make you feel? We coddled these fucking kids, you know, like I was saying on the show, like too long and did too much. Like, you know, you don't want to be the bad parent that says, you know, go ride your bike without a helmet. Come back when you broke your fucking arm.
You know, it's okay. You know what I mean? But God forbid something happens to your kid, then you're the fucking bad parent. Right. You're the terrible one. It's like, fuck it.
You've been awfully kind to me through the years, you know, to start there, but, you know... Of course, I don't like when you're talking shit about my boy, but that's one thing.
That's probably what our parents said about us too, right?
It's relevant every generation.
Gen X. I don't know what they all are. I consider myself Gen Awesome. Okay, Charlie Sheen.
You know? It's... So many people sugarcoat this shit. You know how Hollywood works and they're publicists and I'm in crisis mode. I'm like, just give me the phone, I'll talk to you.
You're all in the mob. Is that right? Of course. Of course. My father. Could you do me a favor then? Could you ask a guy? No. What do you need? What do you need? Whose car are we going to take?
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Of course. Could you ask a guy? What do you need? What do you need?
Try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash random. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash random. Zip Intro, post jobs today, talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. They used to intimate that about your father when he was the governor of New York. My father, may he rest in peace.
Godfather, Goodfellas. He was just, he missed a lot. If we could bring him back, the first thing I'd do is sit him down.
Thanks for being had. Oh, look at you. Are you ready for a workout? No, I had a shirt on. You want me to put it on? Do you want me to put a shirt on over? No, I'm not homophobic or anything. I'm just saying you look a little buff. I mean, are you expecting trouble? What is all that about? Well, what about? I mean, you look like the kind of guy who spends all day in the gym.
Are you helping him with this tragedy?
No? Come on. Why?
About political strategy? About, hey, what's going on in your life? Well, I'm running for mayor. Nothing interesting there.
I mean, I like him. He's been on my show now a couple of times, even did the panel, which was great, I think. I don't think he's going to get past the nursing home thing. I mean, I read the New York papers. When the Times and the Post are both on the same page, it's, you know, and, you know, I'm sure he, of course he wasn't trying to do something bad.
But just like with the Hegseth thing almost, you know, you kind of have to own Politics is a high wire act. Yeah. Like one boner decision can. Yeah. People go, I'm sorry, I can't trust that guy's judgment or they don't.
It's also huge name recognition. You're the Cuomos. You're like royalty in New York. Your father was the governor. Your brother was the governor. Um, You know, come on. Of course it's name recognition.
Yeah, exactly. So... People will... I mean, and luckily for him, he's got a weak field. I mean, Mayor Adams is... That name is pretty much... I don't think Trump did him any favors with how that deal was structured.
Yeah, that's flattering. What? No. No, I just don't know. Look at those guns. What is that?
Okay, weak sauce. You're talking about the actual thing itself, the deal with Turkey? Yeah. It's like upgrades. I agree. I thought the same thing. I'm like, of all the things politicians do, this guy, I mean, of all the places, Turkey. It's just like...
Okay, was it completely right that Mayor Adams will now say, I don't think there was, I read about it, there's not, you know, I know what the Kardashians say about the whole Armenian genocide, but you know what, I've looked into it, it was over a hundred years ago. All right, it was Turkey. Can we just all enjoy Thanksgiving? Okay, it wasn't the greatest thing to do, but like- Federal charges?
Yeah. Again, like he and Trump bonded over... It's funny that we bond left and right over what the scalp hunters do to both of us.
No, what is that that's in there? It's... Every show I have to explain this. Well, it's a dropper bottle. Jing, I drink it. It's great. It's a way to make just normally carbonated water into tasty diet soda that has no chemicals. Boy, these people should pay me more. Yeah. I never heard of it before, but I gotta tell you, the dropper is a little menacing. I love it. And I... It is.
But you only need that much. Jing. I drink it. And I pour it on, no, I'm not going to say that. I used to say I pour it on dog shit. And they got mad. I was like, I was kidding. I was just trying to say, I don't know what I was trying to say. I was high. But it's not an insult. I like it. Anyway, oh, there was something important we were talking about. What did you just ask me?
They have a character on Family Guy. You watch Family Guy?
And, you know, we had a screaming match in the middle of the Tower Bar, one of the nicest restaurants in town. But, you know, he also brought me the most amazing birthday present and we came out fine. But like, yeah, we are that couple that just fight sometimes. I mean, like COVID, we did not agree on that shit.
But anyway, there's a crippled character on Joe the Cop. And they make a thousand jokes about it. But he's a comic. But it just shows you that, you know, you can joke about these things without making... I'm fine with it, but when you cancel one person, but because it's a black woman who's doing it, they're not going to cancel it. Totally. That's the problem. You're right.
She wears the magic armor. She wears a magic armor so she can do that. Yes, you're right. And both parties do that. Like when you're in our side, like if I made a fat joke about anybody in the world, how dare you from the left? If you make it about Trump or Chris Christie, it's just hysterical. That's right. That's what we got to get past. I know. That's those independent, what did you call them?
Independent and critical thinkers. Critical thinkers.
You're still laughing at yourself. No. You're still laughing at yourself. No, what I'm laughing at is that we've been here for like, I don't know, a thousand hours. And like, I really wanted to just say, how are you?
And right away, because we are the people we are, right away, what's comfortable for us is to go right into, and this story, and this story, and this race, and this thing, because that's the language we speak and what we love to talk about. But I really meant to say, you know, you're not on TV here. This is a different thing. How are you, my friend?
Are you happy in general?
Did you teach them not to end a sentence with a preposition?
Is that a sentence anyone has ever said? I thought kids resisted boarding school.
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Yeah, I know. I guess people do. As a fisherman. It seems snobby.
And they're real people. So it's like a beach community that only becomes asshole town in the summer. That's right. When the city gets... show up. But yeah, that's what I remember. This is a long time ago, but it was like the same people who were in the clubs in New York. And then, oh, you'd see them at the- No, those aren't my people.
They run plumbing.
You think a plumber's an artisan? Okay. You don't think so? Have you ever tried to fix a toilet? You know what? I'll say this. It's so funny. Whenever people talk about plumbers, they always complain like, oh my God, this guy charged an arm and a leg. Yeah. If plumbers only knew what they actually could charge. I mean, when shit is backing up in your house, you could... That's why I say artisans.
I want to work with my hands.
Everybody wants to be able to fix shit. I do something with my hand every night. Oh, boy. Do you think of me? Oh, we didn't need to take it in that direction. You didn't say no. Oh, my gosh. Very flattering. These bromances turn so quickly. First it's a bro thing, and then... Club Random is brought to you by the auto marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. Congratulations, you survived 2024.
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You should, because it's been so long that as you go through that, I'm barely remembering. I know. And my main witness is my brother. It's like... So it's like, you know... But it's so funny that the way... I remember when it was going on, it was like the biggest thing and everyone was talking about it is the giant scandal. And it so often happens in this country.
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I've been there myself where something is like the biggest scandal and then like a year later, people are like, what? Oh, yeah. What happened? You are right. And then like... You are right. I think there should be some rule or law like if you can't even remember a year later what it was about. Like I can remember... what the Clinton scandal was about.
But you're happy. So good. I mean, because, yeah, you did kind of go through the mill.
I sometimes get off on like having scenarios in my mind. It's too toxic. I'm just doing, no, it's not horrible things. It was for me. It's just like, you know, I'll just like, I don't know.
It's healthy when you imagine your enemies having horrible things happen to them. Not obsessively, but just like to get to sleep. Just to get to, just like, ah.
That's interesting. You know, Jerry Seinfeld's a big Marcus Aurelius. Yeah, it's an amazing. Maybe he could have a, tell me.
But what is it about Marcus Aurelius? I'm curious.
For the people who might not remember Marcus, he was the Roman emperor. You might remember him played by, was it, Richard Harris played him In Gladiator, the first one. He is the emperor who presided over the last great era of Roman history. They called him one of the last good emperors. So when he dies in 180 AD. But he also wrote philosophy, as rulers of the day did. They were philosopher kings.
But what is Marcus Aurelius' basic philosophy? Because I kind of forget.
Yeah, but I was listening. So there's an old Jewish lady watching a movie like Ben-Hur, one of those movies, and it's the Colosseum. Because you mentioned this about like, so the lions and the Christians are in the Colosseum. And it's very, she says, turn off the movie, turn off the movie. And they come in and they say, man, we turn it, what's the matter? She said, it's too violent.
I can't watch the, I can't watch this. Okay, they turn back the movie. She watches two minutes more. Turn off the movie. Turn off the movie. They come back and say, what's the matter? She says, I can't watch the lions. They're eating the Jews. And the guy says, no, they're not eating the Jews. They're eating the Christians. They turn the back movie on.
Two minutes later, she says, turn the movie off. Turn the movie off. What's the matter now? She says, one of the lions isn't eating.
It's terrible that I think racially we've lost out on so much that we made it so that you're walking on eggshells. Because I certainly remember an era, you know, I would say the late, or mid-90s, certainly Clinton, our first black president, and there was certainly lots more work to do racially. There still is. Yes, but like just certainly in the arts.
I think we have, you know, you cannot say that African-Americans are not represented in TV and movies as they were. That was the complaint, and it was valid. That is definitely not a valid complaint. And great, happy for you. Okay, but, like, in that era, through Obama, I feel like you could joke.
I mean, there was a lot of comics, so their whole act was like, black guys do this, white guys do this. You know, like, even making that comparison now. It's like, how dare you? That's racist. And the fact that we can't, like, take the piss out of each other. You think of a movie like White Men Can't Jump. You know, it's a black guy and a white guy, and they're...
I think you've got to get it out there. And it doesn't mean you're racist or have hatred. It's just like, and also to be able to joke with someone is a bonding experience that we are denying ourselves.
We were so scared. But that was not the real reason for the war. And look, I was against the war too. But there is a world in the future because everything undergoes revisionism. You know someone will write a book in 20 years and say, going into Iraq was the smartest thing we ever did. I don't think it was. But it was all a cover for one thing. Thomas Friedman used to write about this a lot.
It really was about this, which wasn't a bad idea. That there is this cancer in the world, which is Islamic jihadism. Even people who argued with me about Islam would admit there is, use the word cancer, there is a cancer on this religion. And I would say, okay, well, you know, your other, the next thing you always say about this is, but it's not everywhere.
But if you get cancer, you don't go, well, it's not everywhere. You deal with it.
But the point about Iraq being, yes, that's true, down the road, but the point, what they were trying to do... What they were saying was, this world is never going to be safe or at peace until the Islamic part, which is a huge part. We're talking about a billion and a half people. There has to be some example other than theocracy and madrasas and reading one book and Sharia law.
There has to be some place that is an example. And it's not Egypt. And it's not Syria, and it's not Saudi Arabia, and it's not Gaza, and not the West Bank. And the only place in the world where Muslims are really free to speak is when they're in the West. Yes, there are people, you know, this specious argument about, what about moderate Muslims, Bill? I'm all for them. I love them.
They just don't exist. that much anywhere, or when they do, they're just shouted down and intimidated. So we need a country. That was the idea. Maybe Iraq, which has a history of, I mean, they're not stupid. Paris of the Middle East? That was Beirut. That was not Baghdad. Beirut, they called the parish of the Middle East. But Baghdad is a, on one level, could be, yes, absolutely. I believe you.
I'm just thinking. But yeah, Beirut also, which- Beirut is gorgeous. Yeah. But if we had this country, so that idea, but of course, if you really wanted that idea to work, you can't just do it in five years, okay? We're talking about changing a whole culture. You have to say, this is a 50-year plan. Because even though it happened in Japan and Germany, this is a little more ingrained.
Well, no, it doesn't. It's... No, I mean, it's not like the war started. But, I mean, to... Be so sloppy, especially an administration that, like, was threatening Hillary Clinton with jail.
Japan and Germany, they were just different.
I'm almost 70, but I cannot stop beating myself up about stuff I should have done better and known better at 40, 45, 50, 55 years. 60. It just took so long to not be so stupid. And I can't get over kind of hating myself about certain things. I mean, just somebody who perhaps I should not have been in a relationship with. And people think... You don't like it? No, I don't. She's fine.
I don't like me because I made that choice and I should have known better. I wasn't a kid. I can't get over those kind of regrets. Now, you're right. I should. I should be a stoic. I should read markers. So really, I should smoke less pot or maybe more pot. More pot. More pot. More pot, exactly. Pot is good. That's what I was just trying to get to. I should smoke more pot.
Okay, well, then Woody Harrelson and I really have to put out a mass newsletter apologizing because we have been making the case for a very long time about hemp, and we should legalize it because, you know, they lumped it in with— Because it's a cousin of THC. I don't have any problem with it being legalized. But we always said, you know, guys, they make sailboats out of this.
The Declaration of Independence was on hemp paper. It doesn't get you high. Now you're telling me it gets us high.
You don't have to tell me. And I love it. Because I don't really drink anymore. See, that's the problem with me is I wish I was you for this because it's too much. It's a commitment. And you know me in commitment. Not a big thing. And you're in it for too many hours. You don't control it. Like this, as soon as I stop smoking, I'm not high. That's not the case with eating it.
And they condemn the reporter. Now you're saying it's a big deal.
We're all different. See, this is why I had my issues with the COVID reaction in this country. Because I just know from other experiences health-wise, we're all different. We're all very individuals when it comes to our health. So don't put out a big, you know. Write it in the sky banner. We all have to do this. I'm sorry.
We needed a vaccine.
I mean, Trump is one of the most effective politicians. Whatever you think of the policy and him as a person, just as a politician, just understanding that always lean in to being more who you are The people are not savvy about issues, but they smell a phony a mile away. And that kind of shit, nobody else does it.
You know, there's a couple of times when, I mean, look, I've been his biggest critic for good reason. And when he got reelected, I said, I'm not going to pre-hate anything. And then the first week I said, well, there's lots of things I hate because I do. Okay, there's some things I don't hate also, but the way he can do that and sometimes kind of make me go, oh, man. I got to give it up.
Like when he did that thing where the guy came in from the Taliban and he said, this is an aerial picture of your house. If during a withdrawal, one American is hurt, just know I know where you live. I was like, oh, can we just play the music now? Because I don't care. It's Donald Trump and he's the worst person ever, blah, blah, blah. I fucking love that. One time they were doing something.
Something was going on. And he said, you know what? When you come after New York, you got to go through me. It's like, oh, hometown boy. You know, he has those moments that no other politician has. And the Democrats have to find that guy. They need a message, and then you find the messenger. No, but that's how it works for Trump. That's the worst thing. The Democrats always say, message.
First of all, they did, and they don't like it. Second of all, they don't give a shit. It's not about the message. Trump changes his message from day to day. Tyrants everywhere. Tyrants nowhere. Those are policy decisions. It doesn't matter. But they don't care about policy. They don't understand it. His message is, I'm me. I'm strong.
And I'm daddy, you know, they're on this daddy thing, you know, and people want a daddy, you know, Tucker Carlson, that whole thing. You've heard that thing about daddy came home and then you need a spanking. I'm like, this is getting a little weird, Mrs. Robinson, you know, daddy, but you know what? That's what works. And that's what people respond to. They don't don't know the issues.
That's the reporter who was mistakenly put on the group chat. Yeah. I mean, I once... this is oh many many years ago like 15 years ago uh I guess this was Twitter or something, and somebody wanted me to contact them. And anyway, I did push the wrong button or did the wrong thing, and my phone number was, and, you know, like, look, I think, oh, in two minutes I had 6,000 messages.
They don't know the facts. And they have no interest in learning about them. They're like an animal. They're instinctive. Like, I smell fear or I smell alpha. And they smell alpha. And Democrats have to come up with an alpha. And it's not Tim Walz. No, probably not. And it's not Tim, the other Tim who ran. Kane? Tim Kane. These are not alphas.
It's like this thing of like, let's get a woman and then a docile man who's in every commercial where he's the asshole while mom takes care of business. You know, that is not a message that makes the tribe go, who is strong? Who's strong? Who's strong? Tim Walls. Tim Walls. No, no, give me rock.
I need to kill myself because the walls, you know, that you kind of appeal to people at a sort of post-civilization stage where we're kind of at on a primal level. You just do.
A lot of what they hate, I hate too. Yeah, I get it. But I just won't go, but I also have a rational mind. Yes. So I don't go all the way to then this is because it is worse to me. Right. Well, you know, if you don't really believe in the secession of power, if you don't really believe in the emergency of climate change, I can't get on board with you.
But yeah, the political instincts, just the connection with people. I mean, people are always saying, I'm saying, it's my editorial this Friday about Republicans being North Korean with their leader, but why? The reason why that they're so afraid of him is that they know he has a connection. If you're a congressman, a senator, He has a connection with my voters that I do not have. Nope.
You doxed yourself. You know, yeah. So, you know, it was no big deal. I got rid of the phone number in 20 minutes, and I had a new phone number. But, you know, people can do that. But that's, I'm not the Secretary of Defense. That's right. And I wasn't attacking the Houthis. That's right.
He did not get shot in the head, Chris. He got nicked in the ear. Listen, if it was your ear, you would say I got shot in the head. He did not get shot in the head. If he had. This country would probably be in a civil war right now. I know. Thank God it didn't happen. Thank God.
Conspiracy theories are, I mean, yes, they're probably worse on the right. But it's not that they're non-existent on the left. They just hate him. Exactly. It's not a conspiracy. They just hate him. They do.
That's a great way to put it. He can't even shot. I should have put that in my bit. He can't even shot and get compassion. Right. Yeah, I know. The first thing, I mean, it's so funny you are making me remember. I was on the road that day and I remember arriving at the hotel. We had flown from the first city. It was the second city on my weekend things that I used to do.
And I remember getting out of the car in front of the hotel and the guy who came to get the bag said, did you hear Trump got shot? I said, no, we hadn't. It just had happened. I looked on my phone and I was going to go on stage in three hours. And I, you know, wrote a whole thing and also did it on my show Friday that night, later that week. Like, this is not funny. I'm not laughing at this.
Any jokes about how, what a shame he missed are not what I'm interested in hearing and should not be done. I don't find them funny. I don't find them appropriate. You know, I've been as critical of Donald Trump as anybody I have standing here. But this is not cool because people were already doing it. And they weren't kidding, by the way. No, they were not kidding.
But it's so funny that you mention this common ground that we have, and maybe we could get on this common ground. It's something lefties and righties can really agree on, that when you make one mistake, they come after you and want their pound of flesh. You can understand that, and Pete Hegseth can understand that.
crazy where is your decency he doesn't deserve decency who the fuck are you to say he doesn't deserve decency that's exactly why I have the issues I have with the left that fucking attitude that fucking bad attitude
I've never been a Democrat. But I also will say I somehow never voted for the Republican. But I actually make a discerned decision every time. I mean, if you go back, did I think Bill Clinton was better than George W. Bush, George Herbert Walker? Yes, I did. Did I think that Gore would have been better than Bush, his son? Yes, I did. Did I think Bush... Was not as good as John.
John Kerry, I liked a lot. Yeah, I was. Did I think Obama, you know, go through the thing. I always act, I give, I feel like I give the other side another chance.
Right. I like McCain in 2000.
War hero. Yeah. I like people who don't get captured. I mean, come on, man.
You and Pete Hegseth could definitely have a drink over, and I could join that party, over that idea of, it's not really about the issues. Stop lying. It's about you want a scalp on the wall. That's what you want. And I certainly have, read enough stories that you can tell they just, this is just somebody at the paper who wants a Pulitzer Prize. So they're going to go after this.
But I also have a feeling, I may be wrong about this, that if I could, like, say to Trump, hypothetically, you know, that really bugged me about what you said about McCain. You know, I mean, he flew this mission over. It was an Air Force pilot. It wasn't his fault. I feel like he's a guy, unlike most politicians who have to never flip-flop on anything, I feel like he could go, you know what?
I think you're right.
I just don't think he has that person in his life. He may not. And he may not be able to do that. But I just feel like there's a kind of innocent honesty to him. Like the way he just voices his interior monologue.
I'll give you authentic. Honest. Well, it's his honesty. It's his truth. For the people who are always about... Well, there's, you know, my personal truth. Okay, I agree. What he's doing is worse, but it is sort of a version of that. You know, my personal truth is that Zelensky has an approval rating of 4%, even though it's 57. It's not really that different than my personal truth.
I can give you some examples. So, like, I just feel like... There is a guy in there who's, you know, obviously gotten everything he could ever want. He won the presidency twice. You can't win it more times than that, although they will try.
It's the end of my editorial this week about the third term. Okay. But anyway. You're welcome. You know, I feel like he has the capacity, unlike most people, to maybe go – you know what? Yeah. Yeah. You know, I, I just feel like there's that there's because he's so all over the map with everything, let's invade Greenland. Let's do things that nobody ever thought of.
Canada is our biggest enemy or whatever. Let's get the minerals out of, uh, you know, Ukraine. Well, you know, I'd have forgiven them so much money. Would it kill them to give them some minerals? Not the way he's doing it with a gun to their head, but Like he just thinks outside the box. Yes. So I feel like there is a virtue to that. That's not always all bad.
And I feel like he might be a guy who would go, yeah, you know, I was mad at McCain. But you know what? You're right. He was a pilot.
You're being too silly. I mean, especially in this business. They're good people.
Hunter S. Thompson had it right.
So I'm supposed to be impressed by that quote from that bloated old colostomy bag, Hunter S. Thompson. I think it's a great quote. You don't have to like him. No, I do. I'm kidding.
I mean, talk about a guy, Trumpian you might say, who just like never like gave an inch to anybody. Never. I mean, this guy like went out strong. Yep. I mean, he was not destined to live to 90. Nope. Because he just lived, he was like, I'm going to live the Hunter S. Thompson lifestyle like forever. You know, maybe I'll get 60. I don't know how old when he died, maybe 63 or something.
It's not about the story. It's about them and what they can get from it. And I think that'd be a great place for us to break bread commonly.
I don't know. Not late. No. Not crazy early, but like from doing acid every day. Yeah. Right.
Lifting a Tesla?
Lift things? Yeah, I mean.
I mean, I'm definitely athletic. I mean, I don't feel like I need to, you know, lift a tire or that shit that looks like you can do that.
I said that when they came in and you were like, what are you talking about? No, I'm just saying I don't think I'm like too big. I mean, but that's what it is. I don't know. It depends on how you like tits. How you like tits? I mean, you know... On women, generally. Well, that would be my point of view, on women. But men like tits now. I mean, you know, it's all mixed up these days with tits.
80% of the people feel the way, one way on it. And the people have common sense. That's right. And they understand that there are men's leagues and women's leagues because the women are not as good as the men. That's not an insult to women. It's just life on earth. I didn't invent it. The God I don't believe in invented it. Okay. So that's what it is.
But you couldn't, the best WNBA team, if they played the worst NBA team, it would be a slaughter. They'd have a hard night. It would be more than a hard night. They wouldn't get a shot off. They're great scorers. Not when you're... I'm talking about the defense now. I just think every shot would be blocked. They're faster. They're bigger. They're stronger. They wouldn't get any rebounds.
I just think if they really played as hard as they could, it would just be a fucking massacre. And that's not an insult to women. It's just a nod to reality. And that's what... To your point about 80-20, when 80% of the people get that, and again, my point about they're not savvy about issues, but they get men and women. They get that.
So we both got to climb down from there. That's the thing. That's the point that has to be made.
Right, don't you agree?
Have you said that to her?
Look, first of all- It should be the beginning. Yes, because- Because there were some mean liberals-
Your wife shouldn't date me.
I'm just putting it out there now.
You know, Chris, as Jack Webb used to say on Dragnet, we have to recruit from humanity. And humans are imperfect. Humans are not good people. I've said that many times.
Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they don't. And, you know... It's so hard to tell.
You put the cookie between the two. But babies eat cookies? Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought babies ate milk. I thought they only had liquid. No. No? No. How old do you?
No, you'll kill it. You'll kill it. What about soda? But the idea that they're good.
Also, like any job, when you're in it a month or two, You're learning. Like, do I think somebody with his little experience for a job that big should have gotten in the first place? I do not. Right. But he's there. And now that he is there, okay.
Jing is healthy.
That's what I should say. You just put a hole in it. I drink it and I give it to babies.
I give it to babies.
Well, it's real, but it's just based on where you grew up. If you grew up where the sun was shining a lot.
You need to be darker. Yeah. And if you grew up where the sun wasn't shining a lot, you got lighter.
I mean, it's really that simple.
Why? It's a strong, fine, proud nose. That's what I say. Luckily, though, they look like a mom. That does not deter women. I have a proud nose, you know, borrowing that phrase from someone. But, like, you know, that doesn't, I think that psychologically registers you have a big dick or something. I don't know, but it is not a deterrent.
But it's sort of like what you were saying about, Like, I don't think it's actually in the DNA. I think it's past the DNA. It's just, again, where your melanin was exposed to. It's something that happened after. The DNA was put into us. I don't think our DNA is that different. But we created the value system around it, is what I'm trying to say.
There are certain, obviously, in professional sports, important differences in very tiny levels of efficiency in your lower legs. That's why all the Olympic runners...
It's the president's call. And it's water under the bridge. He is there. And when you are new in a job, yeah, there's going to be some fuck-ups like that. But, you know.
Yeah, so was Jason Sehorne on My Giants.
Yeah, that was a long time ago.
Of course it is. Why would there be none like Trump? So just keep insisting it'll make it more true. No, make it more true because look at the depth chart.
Yeah, you're right. Okay. Well, that's because of just a simple scientific physical reason.
Well, you don't think white kids want to be in the NFL, too?
Oh, you're delusional. That's lefty bullshit. No, no. White kids would love to be in the NFL just as much as black kids. They don't have to be the same way. Oh, please. As if we're living in some era where if a black kid doesn't get in the NFL, their life is some racist nightmare in America.
Right, exactly. So this idea that the NFL and the NBA is mostly blacks because otherwise— What else could they possibly do in America?
I'm saying is genetics a factor? It's mostly genetics. When you're talking about elite athletes, we're talking about like fractions of a second. Okay. And when you lose a step in the NFL. It's over. You're retired.
I mean, you know.
Oh, yeah. No, I'm very serious about that shit.
You know, what do you think's going to happen? I've said it many times. Civilization is a mile wide and an inch deep. Yeah, I agree. Like, you just scratch the surface. That's why when shit goes down and the cops don't show up, it is really scary.
Yeah. Well, you know what? Not mostly the politicians, but the crazies who the Democratic politicians never have the balls to... basically say, we're not part of this. These people are saying what they're saying on MSNBC, that's not us, okay? That's where the Democrat politician falls down because mostly Democratic politicians were not for that, but they were too afraid.
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They're on the balls to say, you know, that's bullshit.
No, I, one, I mean, I told you before, I have a list of things I hate that Trump is doing and the things I don't hate. Among the things I don't hate is that police now have their morale back, which they lost after 2020. And they got blamed, the entire police force of the entire country, for George Floyd. Now, that guy, I'm glad he's in prison. I think it was murder.
I don't care what the police manual says. You could tell you were killing him and you still kept your foot on his neck. And it's just, you know, no sympathy for you. I know people are trying to get him freed now. Not on that page. That is just not who the police are. Are there racists there? There are racists everywhere. Yes. Including on the other side. Yes. Okay?
But the police are not some racist assassin gang. They're not some slave patrol, as I've heard talked about. And maybe the police... They come from overseer into officer. Yeah, I mean, it's... Come on, man. It's one of the toughest jobs. Oh, yeah. It's split-second decisions and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, could they be better? I've done many editorials about how they can.
They don't need to fire their whole clip, all of them, into the same person over and over. Yeah, I get it. But... I'm glad that the police have their morale back because they feel like they have a guy in the Oval Office now who has their back. Yeah, he just doesn't have that much control over their lives. He doesn't, but it's a psychological thing.
You can't give people a monopoly on violence if we do. Yeah. Without giving them, right, the proper training. And we don't do it.
Oh, the mission was okay, but nobody talks about that. Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. But that's the little hitch in the plan, what you said there, independent and critically thinking. If there were just more of them. I mean, I feel like that's my audience and that has become your audience. Yeah. You know, which is great. And they need more of us.
Those astronauts who just came back from space after nine months, did you see? They didn't get any, like, extra... They didn't even get overtime. They lost bone density. For being lost in space for nine months, and they didn't get overtime.
Like, where does that break down where the guy who could have made that call just didn't?
No, I'm going to let you go, but... You have anything to plug? I think it's great that you're on News Nation. I'm glad you landed somewhere. I'm glad your voice is out there. I'm glad you're talking to the people. I'm glad that you are not quite the like reliable lefty you were on CNN. I feel like I trust you the way I help people trust me to just call it down the middle, call balls and strikes.
I feel you're doing that. And I want, you know, Yes, I'd like the field to myself, but I'm glad more people are doing it for the sake of the country. And Chris, I'm always here for the country. That's mostly what I'm doing for the country.
But however more of us there are, I don't know if there are more people. It's just so easy to go to your corner. And I certainly know people, some very, very close to me, who have no interest in this kind of thing. They just want to... hate, I'm sorry, but that's what it is. They, they hate Trump.
I don't think it's a good place for your mind to be, by the way, to hate anybody, hate what they do, policies. I mean, I could list things I hate about Trump from right from like making fun of McCain, you know, I mean, right off the bat, I really, really hated that. And I'm not even a Republican, but like, you know, I mean, people, but you're decent. Well, people, you know,
if you get shot down, you're not a hero. If you get captured, he got shot down. Like, wasn't it like he, he wasn't, he was trying to get shot down or wasn't trying when he, his plane hit the ground and he broke his leg. He wasn't trying to get away. It was so offensive, but I don't hate him. And you, you, you know, if you let yourself into that hate,
then everything that happens you only see through the one partisan lens. So that's where your thing is about the signal thing, the worst thing that ever happened. You're right, it's not the worst thing that ever happened. But on the other hand, the administration's response is so different than responses in past eras.
I mean, when the Bay of Pigs went bad, JFK went out there and he said, I fucked up, my bad. Success has a thousand fathers. right? Failure is an orphan, he said. Exactly. But it was just sort of understood that you owned things. Reagan, after the Contras, okay, it was a little squirrely, but he said, well, I didn't think we sold Arms to the hostages. And that's what my heart told me.
But the facts tell me otherwise. And that was his way of saying, yeah, I fucked up. But we didn't have the crowdsourced consequences of cancel culture.
I had Andrew on, I don't know when it was, a year, year and a half ago. You remember. And I mean, I've never done or rarely done as much homework as I did that week because I needed to do a deep dive into the allegations. By the way, I did the same thing the one time I ever did my homework here because this is not a homework show. for Armie Hammer because I wanted to know.
Right here, right now. Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text the word RANDOM to 511-511. Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text RANDOM to 511-511. Text RANDOM to 511-511 today. Message and data rates may apply. You're like Trump. So just keep insisting it'll make it more true. No, make it more true because it's just, because look at the depth chart. Close. You're all in the mob, is that right?
And in both cases, yeah, not much there. I know. And I say that not because you're his brother or because you're here or whatever, but when you look at it, and we did this on the show, and the acid test is when I just read some of the factual stuff, the audience laughed. That's my acid test. If the audience is laughing, it's absurd. Some of it was absurd. Now, maybe he, like... I don't know.
You Italians are a little too touchy for my taste to begin with. It's just a thing. It's just a cultural thing. But I just don't, I just, yeah, it was a stretch. And the Army Hammer thing was nothing. And I'm glad to see that both of them are rehabilitated. I take a lot of pride in my I'm not going to say I take credit for doing it, but I have contributed.
That's one of my missions in life to rehabilitating people who get cancer. Kathy Griffin was on my show. I mean, people, you know. You can't just always be judged by your worst moment. One of my pet peeves about the left that I would say they like to do is judge you by your worst moment.
Right. They all suck. Yeah.
I mean, they're a bad group of people, maybe not the whole country, but who are out to destroy Israel. They're disrupting shipping in the Red Sea. I mean, they're not some lovable, ragged, bantam miscreants.
And then what do you do? Then you go with your instincts, your gut, what feels right to you, what aligns with you, especially if it's like a health or medical condition and you're like, one doctor says there's no cure and another doctor says, oh, have you tried this yet? Maybe you're going to feel more open-minded to seeing how the energy was or what the research shows and feel more open to it.
How are you, man? Thanks for having me. How are you? It's an awesome spot. Thanks for having me. Thanks. Nice to meet you. Great to meet you.
You mentioned you would love to live forever.
But I'm enjoying it right now.
Is there a number, though?
What makes it a good day for you at the end of every day when you look back and you say, that was a good day? Versus that's not a good day. That's a good question. Does one thing have to go off for it to be not a good day? Is it a few things? Does it have to be you felt good? You created something?
You know, I mean, I'm not- At this level, you've done so much creative work. You've had so much success. What, do you have to go that much greater to feel accomplished? Or could it be like, oh, I did something small and it was accomplishment today? Do you know what I mean? You've got so much accomplished.
I got a callback. I got this.
I mean, you've got land. It's hard to steal the property. Yeah, you can't take that with you. You were talking about peers, though. You're with around a lot of inspiring people lately. I saw some great clips of you with Trump, and I wanted to ask you about that. I'm curious about what that was like, because I saw the before clips of
Why, you can't hang out with someone?
Yeah. And why did you come to LA? Why do you need to be here? Well, I originally came for a girl I was dating that didn't work out. And then I ended up staying and it worked out. Yeah. I didn't want to be in LA. I never wanted to live in LA. I moved to New York for like a year and a half after college days. And I loved the energy in New York for whatever reason.
You talk about truth. I'm asking you the questions now, but... I'm curious, with all the experience that you've had, the success, the ups and downs, what is the truth for you? About what? About what you've learned. About what? It's so broad. About life. About life. Life?
If you could give three truths about all of your experiences.
You can beat a 12-year-old girl.
Maybe it was because I was in my late 20s. But then the first year here, I thought it was kind of more superficial and less real. But then I met my people and I met, you know, the communities I was involved in. And I was like, oh, this is awesome.
Why do you think atheists or non-religious individuals are more ethical?
But why be ethical if you're an atheist?
Where do you get logic from if it doesn't come from wisdom of the past? No, just say wisdom of the past in general.
But why live an integrous life at all? Why not just, I'm going to do what I want to do and say what I want to say and live my life and I don't care what people think?
Do you think atheists live with more integrity because of logic versus... Yes.
But it's so much... Can't you do both, though, if you have critical thinking? Not really. Not really. And then if you can't find a solution in your mind, and there's no research or science to a solution to something that you're trying to solve... Well, what... Solution like to what? I don't know. Healing. You know, if you feel like, oh, there's a disease and no doctor can help me cure. Right.
I'm kidding. Well, people have miracle healings all the time of their body, their sickness, their something.
It's going to help you.
I mean, they would do things that were like- Sticks and water.
The way we think something influences the body to heal.
And where does the thought come from? Right. Where is mind? Where is our mind? You know, when we're thinking, we have a brain and then we have a mind. Where is that all happening? Are we able to, with science, discover and understand all of it 100% yet?
Where does that... This is what I'm fascinated by.
I love having neuroscientists on to understand the emotional charge, the physical charge in the body, the mind, the way of thinking, influencing the brain chemistry, influencing the body to either be healthy or be out of alignment and create more cancer cells. Right.
And how can we create a thought process, a thinking environment that is more elevated, that is more in harmony with health versus out of harmony with health? And I think... If you're thinking in faith or if you're thinking, you know, whatever else that's allowing you to think in harmony and to be more peaceful thinking rather than chaos thinking, your body typically is going to align to that.
Not always, you know, it's not like it's 100%, but there's definitely been so many instances in my life where I'm thinking negatively and I'm thinking chaotically and my body responds negatively.
in a similar fashion and then i think more harmoniously i think more peacefully i think more forgiveness and the body feels better and so where is that coming from you know what why is that happening and it's just you know i don't have all the answers and i think that's where critical thinking but you can also be a critical thinker and and search what do you suggest that comes from a god
I'm suggesting that... It could.
If you don't believe it also, I mean, it could be a possibility.
A lot of things seem unlikely. Well, not to that degree. Sure. Well, I mean, how did the world get here? Do we really know the answer to how we're here?
But that's also, you can have, I like to think about and try to explore those conversations. And when I don't have an answer, I try to keep going deeper. And at the end of the day, For me, whether it's 4 billion or 10 years ago or 20 billion years ago, that doesn't actually matter to me. What matters to me is can I live a peaceful, harmonious life?
Can I live a life full of love, joy, abundance, inner freedom, and have great experiences?
I think you should do it for the sake no matter what. It doesn't mean there's not a God that we can still be grateful for our existence. Grateful?
You know, where's God there? Do you feel like it's a responsibility if we do have a cushy life to give and serve in greater levels?
To try to lift others up who are struggling?
But if you're just a mega millionaire, you're screwed.
I don't like living in a building. Yeah. Do you? I used to, but then when I got, you know, in the right relationship, I was like, oh, I want space now. Being married, I'm like, I love having a bigger space and a yard and, you know, all this stuff. You need a yard when you're married, huh? Exactly. I don't even know what that means. It sounds like it must be true.
That turtle lived like a king back here. You know, you got the gardens back there. Yeah. It's got grass. No.
it'd be sweet if they had the ducks rode the turtle you know and stood on top of it I gotta get that picture that'd be amazing um That's cool. What would it take to get the turtle then? What makes you decide to do something or not?
Come on. What's there to think about? It seems like an amazing experience, life experience.
It's just going to sit back there.
I don't know anything about turtles. Maybe. Maybe you're made for life. Tortoise.
Other than a two-bedroom condo until like two and a half years ago. Essentially, I mean, not the same one, but essentially I was living in two, three-bedroom condos for the last 15 years. Are you a newlywed? Yeah, two months ago. Two months ago? Yeah. Wow. And we were living together for a few years, but got the home a couple years ago, but just got married. Yeah.
It's horrible. Well, in the face of that, what excites you at this season of life then the most? Again, you've achieved and accomplished so much. You've met everyone. Now that you've met Trump, you've met everyone. You've been invited to the White House. Isn't that interesting that you were never invited to the White House? No, I was.
Yeah, but that's not the same.
But none of them invited you. No, exactly. Isn't that weird that you're in this world for so long and they never invited you?
Yeah, it's interesting.
That's interesting.
Would you ever interview him on TV, you think, if he met you? Yeah, of course. He's the President of the United States. Are you crazy? I mean, of course he would. Did you ask him if he would?
Now you have his team. You can talk to his team and ask him.
Wow, there you go. You have a cell? Yeah. Yeah. Has he been friendly since then, even though you kind of, like, attacked him a little here and there? Or has he been... Look...
I mean, I'm not a therapist or anything, but it's like... Does that come up? Yeah. I mean, people ask, well, I'll bring an expert in to kind of talk about that. And I'm more about... how can we be our most authentic selves and come from a loving, compassionate way and say, listen, I want to hear what you're talking about, what your political views are, whatever.
And I don't even talk politics because I don't understand it. I'm thinking about how can I live the most free, harmonious life and create that within my community. How can I set my health up? How can I set my mind up to feel free on a daily basis and not be worried about what is happening or what the latest drama is?
Things I can't control today, but I do know I can wake up and I can eat well and I can move my body and I can go to bed at a good time and I can say nice things and I can do things.
That's politics. That gets into politics. There's always going to be people that are going to attack you for whatever reason. They don't like you or say, you have money. You don't understand what it's like. That too, yes. Whatever it might be. You have money. You have a TV show you should have nothing to complain about, whatever it is. But I dealt with sexual abuse when I was a kid.
I experienced that. One of my first memories is being abused by a man that I didn't know sexually. My brother went to prison. How old were you? Five. I was a five-year-old. And you have that memory? Every day since that day, I've had that memory in my mind. I could relive that moment. How long did it go on for? It was probably 20 minutes. No, I mean over time. It was just one time. Just one time.
It was one time. Probably like a 20-minute experience over one time. An uncle? No, it was a babysitter's son. He was probably about 16, 17-year-old. I was five.
What did he do? Stuff. Yeah, stuff that, I mean, I don't want to talk about it publicly. I've shared that I've been sexually abused, but I don't want to relive the whole story. But that was one of my first memories as a child. No matter how much success in sports I gained, I was like, huh, but why is something still off? And when I started to turn around and face reality,
you know, those dark parts of me and start to heal through workshops and therapy and processes and meditation and just anything I can find. I started to... create harmony through healing. And it took a long time. And it's a journey. But that harmony is something that I think I was always seeking.
And it doesn't mean every day I'm perfect and I don't go through challenges and I don't get stressed and get angry still. But it is a more consistent baseline of peace. And I think that's what most people want. Whether they're broke and have no resources, they want to feel free, abundant, and peaceful.
And you probably know a lot of millionaires, billionaires, people in political power, athletes, celebrities who have it all. but are miserable or still are not free.
You've got to be kidding.
You know, when you think about... And it's what's familiar. And when we go into, even when we go into peace, it's so unfamiliar. If we go from chaotic relationship to chaotic relationship into a healthy relationship, it almost feels like something's wrong. Yeah. Because you've never felt health. You've never felt peace.
You've never felt someone accepting you or just being okay with your flaws and not making you change or not getting angry at you if you're not doing something for them all the time. And you're like, wait, is something wrong? Because it's peaceful.
That's a guy who's dealt with trauma or confusion or struggle or stress. And it doesn't mean you're not living in a nice home. You can still have inner struggle and inner trauma, even though you're provided for and even though you have money and you have nice things. You could be living in a psychological war.
It's still going.
Cheers to that, right? Unbelievable.
It just is. But it also amplifies things. It amplifies challenges, stress, problems by having more.
But at the end of the day, no matter how much you spend or buy, it still doesn't make you happy with what's going on. So it's almost like a bigger mindfuck because you're like, I should be happier with this money, and I'm still not.
It's better to have money for everything. But unless you abuse it and you're like, I'm going to go buy drugs and alcohol and just destroy myself, then you're like, what am I doing? So it depends on how you learn to manage your stress.
use free world, do what you want, you know? But it's like, how can we, and my whole thing goes back to how can we create inner harmony, inner freedom, inner peace of mind, When we're dealt with stress, chaos, overwhelm, breakups, trauma, bankruptcies, whatever it might be, we're all going to go through different stuff. But how do we get back to a centered, grounded place of harmony?
I was terrified of marriage for a long time, probably because I grew up with my parents We're always, you know, it felt like they were always fighting and they were stressed out and I was the youngest of four and it just felt like there wasn't a good model of marriage love. It was like, seemed like stress and chaos. It's one of the reasons why I left home at 13. What did they fight about?
And how do we influence that in the people we love and care about the best way we can?
Like, that's a big thing. I love meditation. I love prayer, meditation, whatever allows you to get back into center world peace. Prayer and meditation, you say they're in the same breath. I love prayer and meditation. I've been meditating for a long time, and I've been praying for a long time. They're different. But I look at meditation, I don't know what you say prayer is.
I look at prayer as more of gratitude for me. It's not about like, help me, God, fix some problem. It's that for me, prayer is not solve my problem. For me, prayer is I'm grateful and I trust. I'm grateful and I trust.
And I'm going to be taking the action steps to see what unfolds, to get back to a place of harmony or figure out the problem that I'm dealing with in the material world or my inner world. I'm going to get back to a place. And meditation is more about... not thinking about really God or anything.
For me, it's more about breathing and being connected to self and kind of calming nervous system and really allowing myself to feel peace so that I can make a clearer decision in my life or just feel more peaceful. Because I think a lot of people don't feel peace. And meditation is a place where I think it can support the process.
Not every time, but I think there's times where I can do that for moments, but then thoughts come back in. And it's not about clearing of all thoughts. I think it's really about calming thoughts, like calming the chaotic thoughts and feeling more peace. That's what it is.
And I think when we can make decisions from a more peaceful place or a calmer place, as opposed to angry, resentful, scarce place, we tend to make better decisions. And if we make better decisions, we live a better life.
I mean, I wasn't like, oh, I'm gifted at this in the first week.
Yeah, I've never been able to do it either. But I think you can be self-hypnotized. I think you can hypnotize yourself more. Really? Yes. I've done... And I think it's not the way it looks where it's like, oh, I'm going to go to sleep and, you know, the hypnotist schtick. Right. It's more of a, I'm going to...
Money, stress, who knows? I was also young, so no one would tell me what was going on.
visualize and become more hypnotic towards a belief that I have, a vision that I have, something I wanna create in my life. And I've created different- Like manifesting? Yeah, just creating what you want. You believe in that? I believe in manifesting and I- Really? I mean, it depends what the definition of manifesting is. I don't know. I always thought it was just something chicks say.
I think you've manifested everything in your life. Everything in this building is a manifestation of a thought that you've had. You thought, I want to have a home one day. And you were once in New York. And then you moved to LA. And then you went and said, I want to look at something. And I have a vision. I wanted to have space. And it would like to be five acres.
And I'd like to have property where there's no noise. And you said, oh. And then you found this place based on a thought and an intention. And you showed up. And the realtor showed it to you or whatever it was. And you said, this is mine. And you worked hard for the money you made to get this physical space. That's a manifestation of an idea.
But you've had a vision for your show. You've had a vision for the guests you want to have on and what you want to ask them and any moments you want to create in the segments and...
I don't know why I'm yelling at you.
I agree with you. Okay. I agree with you there. Yeah. I mean, for me, it's... Do you get shit about that? About what? Vaccines. I don't really talk about it myself. I mean, I have different doctors on and experts on to talk about those things. For me, it's more about... what makes sense for me. You know, I grew up not getting vaccinated through my religion, Christian science.
In-laws or something, yeah.
I didn't have any shots until I was like 24 and I went to Mexico and got like a shot to go, you know, and I've been to Ghana and I've had to take different shots and things like that. How did you live? How did you survive? Effortlessly. How can you still be here? Oh, my God. I had no medications. You must be the luckiest person in the world. I had no medications. I had no shots. Oh, no.
You mean you used the human immune system? Just developed it. And I also got chicken pox. There was chicken pox or measles outbreaks. So did I. We all had them when I was a kid. They used to try to give them to the kids.
Yeah. I think whatever's been tested for a long time, and if it's something that's recommended, like for me, I wasn't going to go to Africa and not get a shot or just don't go. But I wanted to go. I was building schools for kids, and I wanted to be there. And it was like I knew the risks that I could get sick, so I needed to take the shots and hopefully prevent that.
Yeah. They got married when they were 19. They had a kid at 19. I just don't think they had the emotional tools on how to communicate effectively and really know what they wanted. You know, it's just a different time. So I don't blame them for it.
Oh, how was that?
Well, Brian can. He can. Very few can do that.
I mean, again, going back to, I keep... interviewing these people, people like Brian as well. And I keep trying to seek more information to find ways to stay in a beautiful relationship with the world. And that starts with a beautiful relationship with myself.
feeling good about myself, a beautiful, learning how to be in relationship with others, I think makes me healthier as opposed to horrible relationships doesn't help my health. And so relationship is an important thing. My relationship to money, relationship to my wife, relationship to my body, relationship to food, like relationship is important and having a healthy relationship
interaction with those relationships. So I think about, for me, I'm more of an 80-20 guy. You know, I think I'm probably, you know, not with like weed or whatever, but I'm more like in moderation of food and things like this. I still want to travel and adventure and try things. But I really like getting seven, eight hours of sleep. I think sleep is the greatest- way to heal your body. It is.
That's not an opinion. And I'm all about trying to eat 80% of whole foods, healthy foods, non-processed, minimally processed foods. I just think that's the way to go. My vice has always been sugar. So it's like, I still have sugar and I eat candy and things like that. It's the worst. But it's one of the worst things for me. I'm never going to be perfect, but it's like an 80-20 type of thing.
And I don't drink alcohol. Yeah, you've got to live. I don't drink alcohol. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs.
Yeah, he's doing great.
I think understanding how to navigate emotions is one of the most powerful skills. Yeah. So how did you become an expert in it? I think by being a failure at it for a long time, you know, just making mistakes over and over again, constantly feeling like I was never enough, constantly doubting myself. Right. And saying, I don't want to live this way anymore.
I saw that he went to a dance party or something and hurt himself, and now he's like, I don't dance anymore or something like that. But it's like if you can't enjoy it at the highest level.
Oh, man. Speaking of all the people you've met over the years, if you could put three people in a room, three of the most interesting people in a room. I can't answer this question. Who would you put in a room? I can't.
Oh, man. But, you know. More for, like, what would be the most crazy conversation to have? Not the most, like, fun conversation of, like, oh, my three friends that all think the same. But, like, Trump and then someone else and, you know, who would it be?
Well, you want to get Trump on this, you know.
How do I overcome this insecurity, self-doubt, this feeling of not enough, this feeling of unlovable, unworthy, all these things? So it's totally an autodidact. I don't even know what that is. Like, as opposed to going to school, self-taught. Self-taught, because school... This is everything... I had to learn after school how to live life because school didn't give me life skills.
I got a question for you. I don't know if you've ever thought something like this. You probably have because you think about everything. But how old are you about to be? Are you just turning?
Okay. You know. Well, here's my question for you, that's what I'm curious about. You know, you've got a lot of wisdom and tons of experience. I'm curious if you ever think about, like, when you hit 70, if you ever think about what you'll think at 80. Like, what's your 80-year-old self will be think about or what advice your 80 year old self would give you.
If you can think about now, if when you had turned 60, you know, almost 10 years ago, where you were then and where you are now, would you have given yourself advice with the wisdom you have now from 70 to 60 versus what 80-year-old you would give at 70?
Wow, that's getting close.
Is there anything you predicted when you hit 60 years? In the last decade, like things you wanted to create for your life, not talking about the world, but like, I want to create this and I'm going to do this.
It taught me... I was dyslexic growing up. I was in the bottom of my class every year. They used to grade us on our report cards, and I was always in the bottom four. And I pretty much cheated my way through tests and homework and things just to get by. So for me... School didn't give me life skills. And that's what I wanted to learn after school was really like, how do I live a better life?
What's missing for you at this age? Nothing. Nothing's missing? Nothing you want or no relationship or this? No, I've got, I mean... You've got the properties, you've got the career, you've got health. I don't care about properties. You've got the turtle coming maybe. I've got the turtle. You've got the 98-year-old. You'll have something older than you here, you know, to be great.
No, I mean, I don't want to... There's nothing that's missing in your life.
Did you use drugs as a crutch? I've never been drunk, never been high in my life. Oh. That was your problem.
That's a key thing. Is there anything you regret from the last few decades that you missed out on or you did a thousand things? Really? I never understand these people who say, I have no regrets. What's your top two that you think of off the top of your mind?
Last couple decades. Yeah. from 50 to 69?
And I'm just going to leave it at that.
You're like, let's go.
Well, would you never have a life partner and say like, hey, we are in a union and we're living together like we're married? Maybe not legally married, but would you... Have a life partner?
What does that mean? Would you have a partner, though? A life partner? Like a relationship long-term that you'd be in, you think? I'm good right now. I'm good right now. Would you be open to a possibility if it felt like the right thing for you?
Well, I have sugar. You know, I have coffee. I do other things.
No. What if that was someone you were dating who was like, oh, I'm pregnant? What would you say? And you were like, you better be a father whether you like it or not.
There's someone laughing in the background listening.
What would happen if someone was like, oh, I'm going to have a child in six months?
Come on, Bill. It's not going to happen. If it did, what do you think? How would you respond, do you think?
I'm going to get this clip in a year and a half. And then you say, it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. It's having a repeat. Someone's going to make a techno song.
That's why you have five properties next to you.
But all these parents that you know are in their 60s and 70s who have kids, what are their views? Or 50s and 40s or 30s. What are their views on having kids that they share with you? What do you see? Is there a benefit or you just don't see the benefit?
How could you explain it to someone in simple terms where they would actually understand that when they think you're completely, they're like.
Have you ever done deep fasting for many days? Oh, I fast every year. For like... Five days. Five days. Yeah. Would you say that your mind opens up in certain ways when you fast?
Is that colleges?
I've never had a desire. I mean, maybe I thought about what would that look like, but I... You think you know everything? No, I don't know everything. And I think that's why I keep learning and keep trying to grow. But I feel like... When I was eight years old, my brother went to prison for selling drugs to an undercover cop. And I read that you got by in college by selling pot. Pot, yeah.
And it's kind of helped you get by.
There you go. And he got in a sting with an undercover cop, and it sent him six to 25 years in prison. So I was an eight year old. I was the youngest of four. He was 11 years older than me. He was 18, 19 when he went in. He got out in four and a half years on good behavior, but it was the war against drugs in the nineties. It was the whole thing. And it was devastating for our family.
It was like crippling for our family. And it's what caused a lot of pain, a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, just, you know, it was a lot. And that led to, you know, I saw that early on what drugs can do with the destruction of a family. But-
I also think that, you know, for me, I've just learned that drugs or an alcohol are a toxin or are a poison. And it's like, as an athlete growing up, my whole vision was sports because school was, I was horrible in. And I was like, oh, guys are getting drunk on the weekend. And then on Monday practice, they're slower. This is an edge.
So it wasn't like I wasn't exploring, like maybe I'd go do this or maybe check this out. But I was like, oh, this is going to slow me down or hurt me with my skill set. Maybe with you as a creative writer or a comedian or, you know, it's like opening and expanding your capabilities. But I was like, this is going to hurt me. Well, there's also performance enhancing drugs. which I've never done.
I know, but like, but athletes do, you know. Guys in college were doing it and shooting up steroids, coming back 20 pounds bigger with, you know, freaks of nature. And I was like, I thought about that. In college, I thought about it because if I was two tenths faster in a 40-yard dash, I probably would have gone to the NFL.
And I was just like, I couldn't live with myself knowing if I would have done it, like illegally, based on society's terms and based on where sports was at. I was just like, I can't do it. You dodged a bullet, man.
I played arena football for one year and I broke my wrist and had to have surgery. It's just like so physically demanding.
It's a train wreck every day.
It was a blessing. It ended after a year, but I got to live a dream and pursue that.
Well, for me, the reason I started my show, it's been every week for 12 years. It's called The School of Greatness. The reason I started it, I didn't call it The Lewis Howe Show because I knew I was getting into a world of expertise around personal development, growth, health, wellness, mindset, therapy. money, all these topics. And I was like, I don't know any of this.
I know a little bit of a lot, but I really am not the expert at anything. Let me go find these experts and elevate those voices. So that's been, but by doing it over 12 years, you pick it up, you learn, you grow, you know.
And then I've made a ton of mistakes and I've implemented how to overcome it.
I bring them together and I say, let's talk it out and let people decide. It's kind of like what you've done for a long time. It's like, hey, bringing the experts in. And then maybe no one has the answer. Or maybe this research paper is combating with this research paper. And if it's around health and wellness, everyone's got to have a different process and try things.
Guilt, scorn, superiority. Who knows? Who knows? You know what I'm saying? But there was it was like today. It's funny because today the country is so divided and so different in blue state areas like here. If they introduce this topic because the way the white kids have been brought up on this subject. they're going to be like, oh, my God, we're terrible people. We're oppressors.
Whereas I feel this is wrong because, kids, you didn't do it.
You had Little League.
And this was many years ago. But maybe when you grew up or still in some places in the country where this – subject comes up, maybe the white kids look at the black kids with scorn. Like, you know.
It's a real thing, but some of that they can measure. Yes. And they do. Yes. And we got to go by measurements, not feelings. Correct. Like you wouldn't use the... blood work in your body from 1990. You'd use it from this year. Correct. So you could look at that loan thing was certainly prevalent. Still might be. I don't know.
X. What's up, brother? How are you? Well, nervous as hell. No, just because I'm not sure if I brought enough firepower, the right. I don't want to disappoint you. No, no, I'm not disappointed. Well, you don't know. You haven't spoke to me. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to. Be the lame guy who brought the... But I think this is from my store, The Woods. Okay. You know The Woods? Yes, I do.
But when you look at the numbers, you know, especially in the last five years, people know that there's a real spotlight on this. There has been a real effort. Well, it's been turned up on purpose. Of course, and it should be. But, you know... The question isn't, are there racists? Of course, there always will be, on both sides, by the way.
But of course, more historically, it was not a two-sided thing. It's only recently become where, yeah, you could benefit as well as suffer, because we divide everything racially. But the question is not whether there are still racists, of course. This word they use, systemic. How much is it in the system? Who is it holding back? And what are the real solutions?
No. No, no, no. DEI programs? No. No, come on. It was there to even things out with black people. That's what the program, diversity, equity, and inclusion.
But it did, you know, but... Who went first? Who jumped the line in diversity?
Yeah, before it got down to... But see, women don't need help in the workplace. That's how very often we're just so far... locked into previous narratives that we get involved in what I keep calling zombie lies. Like, it's a zombie lie. It was true, and then it became not true, but you keep saying it.
And women, yeah, women did used to not be treated equally and, like, not paid as much just because they were women. And they weren't... avenues open to them. Women now are leading in the workplace. You know, they graduate more from college. It's the boys who are lagging behind now in those areas. You know, it's like, we're not living in the world where women can't get ahead. Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm not saying that.
Yeah, yeah. No, they did. I mean, as usual in this country, Biden overdid it with DEI, and Trump is going too far in the other direction. The pendulum never stops in the middle in this country.
It's not that, but it's a lot of dumb shit going on out there. No, but there was, I think it was the University of Michigan, someplace like that, a college, which is already one of the most liberal places in the world, had something like 200 DEI officers. Now, come on, man. It's like, what are they doing? What needs to be done? Uh-oh. No, I know.
Woody Harrelson. I do, I do. Woody Harrelson. You have partners in that store? Yes, I am. Awesome, yeah. John McEnroe and I are minority owners like I was with the Mets. Yeah, yeah. Always a minority owner, but that's good because... You know, you're not in for the downsides.
What is your ringtone?
So it's not something we wouldn't expect. No, no. Peter Gabriel, you know. Anne Murray.
Okay. So, yes. Wow. That's, I mean, that's a ways. That's almost 30. Yeah, 96. Okay. So, yes. And in 96, I mean, certainly all the misogyny and the,
like all that shit was fair game right right now and so what are the subjects now that have replaced it i guess is what i'm getting um uh because when you uh when you when you cut down a tree and you see the rings in it you know you can tell how old that tree is um
Yes. And I think now, fast forward to 2025, the things... I feel like all of it... I mean, I'm sure I don't know everything you've ever done, but I heard a lot. And I feel like you're almost always... I mean, I wouldn't even say angry. I would just say forceful and energetic.
Aggressive, which is kind of what I'm asking about. When you take away some of these things, they're the things that inspire aggression. It's harder to have that sound if you're rapping about how great your marriage is. Yeah.
I hope you go to the style of the, I mean, again, no great expert, but like you're, that's X. Just yours is one of the greats of all time. Thank you, man, thank you. Just for name checking, Walter Cronkite. Yeah, yeah. But no, just that, is that Dr. Dre? Yeah, that was Dr. Dre and Scott Storch. Okay, because he has a very distinctive sound. I would say he's the Phil Spector of rap. Yes.
We call him the chairman of the board. I'm sure you should. Quincy Jones of our generation. Yeah, absolutely. Because he just, I mean, that sound on that record, the same sound on Bitch Please, part two, the same sound on the one, the great one I love, that Mary J. Blige. I mean, normally not my favorite. Yeah. Not that I don't love songs about having your period, but...
Like, you know, Family Affair.
Absolutely. I bought the whole album. Yeah. And, like, there's nothing else on that album like that record. It's like the single and then a bunch of songs like, oh, this, that. But that one. Yeah. Yeah, that sound is really fantastic. As, again, someone who's heart-throbbing.
Oh, thank you. Shirts. Lovely.
It appeals to someone like me from my era because it's melodic. Yes. And it's got that great beat. You know, it's got something that it's, to me, it's the most sophisticated kind of style because, you know, it brings in me. Yes. Not all rap can. Just because, come on, a 70-year-old white guy? Yeah, yeah. You're 70? Next year.
I'll finish your thought.
Thank you. No, I'm serious. It's the weed. Yeah, yeah. It's the weed of never getting married. That's what it is. I mean, kids are great, I'm sure. I hear. I hate them. But, I mean, even at best, you would have to admit, they do suck the life out of you. They do. They suck you of money, of time, of attention, of patience, right? I mean, they just must suck the life out of you.
Oh, wow. Well, I will wear this proudly.
I think that's what it is for me.
Right, so. How do you relate? Just like buddies now because he's a grown man? No, no, no.
Is it more merch? I think I told you once that I Used your... Yes. You know what I'm talking about.
No, I'm not against strict. I always get along well with people who had military parents, including women. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I think it's because they're not brats. Right. They just were not raised like other people. I wasn't coddled. Not coddled. Somebody slapped the snot out of them the first time. They were like a brat. And sometimes you move around a lot when the parent is military. So you kind of have to learn manners because you're always the new kid.
Yeah, I mean, he must be very proud. Yeah, he was. I mean, what do the kids say when you... Who's your father? Exhibit. No, really. Really, come on. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's cooler than what most kids have to offer. Now, were you hoping he'll become a nepo baby? Oh, man. Come on.
Now, for people who don't know what I'm talking about, I was the show that signed behind you, Politically Incorrect. Yeah. That show was on for nine years. Yes. I got canned. Which is, you know, oh my Christ. This is heavy. That's a lot of weed. That's a lot of weed.
Yeah, and kids need to be challenged. Absolutely. And they need to learn that failure happens. Yeah. You know, you only do them no favors when you prevent them from experiencing that all through childhood because it's going to happen at some point in life. At some point, you're not even going to be there. Right. But even before that, you know,
And this just, I mean, look, I guess every generation looks back at the younger generation and says this, but by God, it just seems true that they just are not tough.
That to me is frightening. I watched the Taylor Swift concert because Nikki Glaser was here and she made me. She insisted. Yeah. that I was missing something. Spoiler alert, I am not. But that doesn't mean I don't think she's, I'm a great admirer. I mean, just you've got to, just the level of success is just astounding. But so I watched it. No, I'm sorry, I don't get the music. But,
Everybody, every song, when they show the crowd, when they pan out to the crowd, or when you see the crowd behind, it's almost all just through phones. I mean, you see the light in the phone. And I'm just thinking, well, we have kind of passed this AI point. Ray Kurzweil wrote that book years ago. And he said, 2028, I think, he called it the, I forget, the reckoning or something.
Something where it meant this is the moment when humans and machines sort of merge. And we're kind of there in a lot of ways. The phone is the sort of bridge to that moment. And look, we have machine parts in us already. But not that one.
These are from the woods, which is the, I mean, if you've never been to the woods, it's just amazing. I mean, it's like a pot store because it's just, it's a pot store in the front, which is as nice as any pot store I've ever seen. And then in the back, it has these, it goes all the way back to the next street on the block, which you don't see from when you walk in.
And then there's the cell phone, but that's not a smartphone, a dumb cell phone.
But why do you? I don't. No, meaning. That's to me. No way. Fuck that. Oh, I'm going to check my watch to see what's on my phone. Like, what the fuck? How many steps do you need to put in?
You're right that it's still there, but it's sort of also not. It's almost connected to their hand. I think they did a poll. Yes, I'm sure they did because I think we did a joke about it where like one in 10 Gen Z said they would like cut off a finger before they couldn't hold it or something like that. Like literally, we're moving toward that.
And back there, it's like a jungle and there's all these cabanas. It's the best place to, if you want to smoke it where you bought it, there's no place like it. Absolutely.
And I think I told this story recently here, but forgive me if you know it. Somebody I know has a kid sister. Who, first boyfriend, they're like 17. They go to sleep at night, not in the same bedroom, but with the phone on all night. On, like, you know, FaceTime.
Okay. That's the dumbest shit ever. To us, it is. But to them, it is not. And just on the subject of moving toward this singularity, that's the name of the book, singularity, when we become one with the machines. And this guy was right about a lot of things, like when the Soviet Union would fall. And I think he's got it pretty close.
You know, I mean, we are, and it could happen before then.
Like, you know, it starts with a calculator. A calculator. I mean, we didn't have those when I was in school. But that's why you had to learn your multiplication. Right. And then you... Now everybody has a calculator. I mean, I don't think the kids can do it because they don't need to. Why would you? Right. You have it right there. You could just say, sorry, what's six times four?
You know, whatever it is. But if I take your phone, you can't do shit. Right. But that's the singularity. You are... I mean, that Google Glasses are kind of that.
They're on you. Yeah. They're becoming part of you. Yes. And again, watching the concert, everybody, why can't they just watch Taylor Swift? Why do you need to see her through a phone?
Whoever fucking watches a concert back on their phone, nobody.
Come on, man. I mean, you know, it's like getting violin lessons from Paganini. I mean, he's, I mean, you know, I don't know. He sat here and we were like literally on the, you know, like drooling. That's one of my bucket list items. Woody? Yeah. Oh, I can arrange that. Absolutely.
Yeah. We're from a different era where we want this... bright wall between public and private.
Right? Yeah. Yeah. No, they don't get that. Yeah. That's not even desirable. Right. Which is why sometimes that generation doesn't fight for free speech, for privacy, because the great sin is not losing privacy. The great sin is losing publicity.
I will be. No, I know you will. Yeah. And you're not married?
Is there any other kind?
No, really. How did nobody ever say that before? And I've never been married, but that so rings true because I sure have lived through divorces with every male friend I've ever had and some of the female. Don't know. But you don't know somebody until you divorce. Yeah. Did you ever see the movie Marriage Story? It was a Netflix movie. It's with Adam Driver.
Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson. I mean, I thought it was brilliant. It really should be called divorce movie because it's about a couple that's married and then as soon as the movie starts, they seem happy at first and then the divorce starts. And, you know, it all starts, and I feel the movie rang true with people because it's the way it is.
Yeah. All right, well, let's fucking light up. Let's do that. Oh, but no, for the people who are like, Bill, tell the story about what are you talking about with the... Okay, so when I got... And this is back in the day when you got canceled. You actually got canceled. They canceled your show. Absolutely. And announced it. Yeah, it wasn't a metaphor. Yeah. You're out of a job. You're fired.
It starts with, okay, once you get over the we're splitting up, then they go through this phase of let's be civil about it. And little by little, it's a back and forth, you know, they get a lawyer who blah, blah, blah. And then, oh, okay, well, if you're going to fight that way until they have that scene, it's one of the most riveting scenes I've ever seen in a movie.
where it just builds over 10 minutes. Uh, they're divorced and she comes over to his apartment, which of course he doesn't really want to be living in a small apartment, but he has to because of the settlement. And it starts out very simple. And can you take the kids on this weekend? Oh, I would, but blah, blah, blah. And it just builds to, I fucking want to, you know, the most nastiest.
I hope you get hit by a bus. And, uh, Not that I needed another reason not to get married, but when I saw that, it's like that people can be that bad to each other.
Well. Like, I mean, fuck it. I'm going to know at that point. You know, the next line in that hook you sang there was like, wasn't it about shooting with puff?
Yes. Whatever happened to him? What you doing now, Puff Daddy? Puff Daddy? Yeah.
I don't know if we need to call it a nightclub shooting. Like, I was on line. I thought it was the other line. It happens all the time. Nightclubs are funny places.
Did you ever go to one of those parties? Um... Well, it's a yes or no question, sir.
Yeah, I guess you don't know someone until you've been to a freak-off. I mean, that's not as good as your thing about divorce. No, it's true. You know, you get to know, you don't really, we all live in a very high civilization, especially if you look through history. I mean, my God, people take for granted everything we have.
I mean, the phone, we're mocking it, but I mean, it is a pretty amazingly great thing. when you want to order food or just call somebody or just texting. I think about all the time I wasted in my life having to make a phone call and then chit-chat before you get to the point and then another 10 minutes to talk about shit. It was like what you had to do with your drug dealer.
I know exactly what you're talking about. yeah yeah oh shit absolutely correct that's when I was first out of college trying to
You're canceled, which is fine. I had a nine-year run. I loved it. It actually was a blessing in disguise because I like real-time. It made more sense. It was good for when I was young and immature, and now I'm old and immature. So, you know, this suits me better. So I was like, how am I going to leave this nine-year trip I've been on where the show was called Politically Incorrect?
starting my life in the clubs as a comedian you know barely getting on stage certainly not making any money from it i was a pot dealer right i had i had this i was i locked into a connection yeah was it with that pressed the the press stuff or was it like buds pressed i never there was one time that what college when i was a pot dealer in college that's where i got our dealer, the college dealer.
He once got us Acapulco gold. Wow. I mean, we sold whatever he sold us. We were the lowest man on the totem pole. But I went from never smoking to selling it in six months because it was the only way I could afford it. It'll do that. I remember buying a pound and then dividing it into 17 pieces.
I see what you did there. I would call that the head tag. Yeah. So who's going to weigh their thing? So it's a little less. Right, right. But it was a great business. But Acapulco gold came in a brick. I can see it. And it was gold. Yeah. It was gold. Yeah. And I've tried to find it ever since. And it was gold. Different. Yes. I mean, it was awesome. It was light.
There was something about Acapulco gold. Yeah. So if anyone out there would like to contact me, but why don't we ever see Acapulco gold?
I really feel there should be like a section. What am I saying? I own a pot store. Okay, I'm going to get this done tomorrow.
Well, I think there should be a whole movement toward like pot classic. Tie stick, another pot classic. Yeah. Remember this strain from 1978?
People were smoking. Red Herring. Right.
That's another one. Panama Red. Yeah, that's real. Acapulco gold. Yes. And tie stick. I remember the tie stick came with a little string around it.
I was just like, eh. Tie stick? Yeah.
Right. I don't remember it being special. I remember the Acapulco gold being special. Yeah. So then when I got out of college, I was first living in New York. I just lucked into a high school friend introduced. It was, I don't know. I don't know why. I can't remember why. But this guy who lived in Connecticut. And I think like his brother or something must have been in the mob. Yeah.
And got him like for free. Yeah. Because it was like a really great price. And I would take the train from Grand Central up to Connecticut, a town, a very tony town in Connecticut. I won't say which one. Get off at the train station. I was carrying a briefcase, which I was going to take the two pounds of pot back in.
Stupidly, I was dressed like the bum I was, and I had this businessman's briefcase, thinking I wouldn't stick out. And I would walk from the train station. It was like a mile and a half to his house. And I would just really want to get the pot, give him my... Hey, turn around and go. But you had to make the conversation... He was a nice guy. Well, what did he want to talk about?
And I got fired for doing what I did the whole time, which was speaking my mind. This is right after 9-11, and, you know, they thought I was with the terrorists. I was just... saying they weren't cowards, which you're not when you stick with the suicide mission. Okay. And I wouldn't retract, you know, sorry if I hurt your feelings, you know, and I did.
He was kind of a hippie. He had a wife who was kind of, like, busting his balls for smoking too much pot. I remember once he was, like, saying to her, she was, like, standing in the kitchen. It's like, I swear to God, I haven't had any today. And she said, I can see it on your teeth. Like, it's, oh, God.
No, but I'm just saying, you're a pretty big pothead if they can see it on your teeth. But you did have like a little, like at the end of that, something like ash or some shit. It was like, you know, I can see the pot. But that kind of saved my bacon in those early years. You know, I mean, I needed, the only way I could have had even the shitty apartment I had
Because comedians don't make money, right? I'm sure nobody.
What did you make, mixtapes at first?
That's putting your tits on the glass. Okay, I'll take a shot for that.
Oh, great to see you. Yeah, absolutely. Here you go. Salute. Okay. Thank you so much for coming, brother. I was so looking forward to this all week. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. And I don't know where it was. I feel like the only other time I saw you was when I told you about the thing I told you about tonight, that I used your line there.
And I don't know when that was, but that probably was almost 20 years ago or something. I mean. We're still here, man. Knock wood. It's still early tonight. I mean, yeah, but, you know, like, I... wouldn't trade even this age because I'm just smarter and don't make so many stupid mistakes.
And that makes up, I think, I don't know, if I could spend a day in my 30-year-old body, maybe I'd be like, oh, no, I forgot how awesome it is to me. But I don't feel like I basically do anything that differently than I ever did. You know, I still run around and stuff. It's That may end tomorrow or something, and I'm sure I don't run as fast. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, the country was raw and maybe the timing was whatever, but You know, that's what this show was. So I said, what can I say? And I guess I had been listening to that song a lot at the time. I mean, I'm no expert in rap. I do. I mean, I love your, I mean, your, no, Bill, you are, I would say,
But the bigger difference, I feel, is in my mind. Yes. And you're just so stupid. Yeah. You're just so stupid.
I mean... Yeah. And also... Somebody once said this, and I keep trying to remember who the celebrity was, but whoever he is out there, please tell me. Somebody said, when you become famous, you get a year to act like an asshole. Now, I may have taken two. I may have taken ten.
It is a great feeling. Also, there's sometimes some bitterness because of like who held you back or didn't believe in you. There's a little chip on your shoulder about, oh, you know, you didn't let me in this club. You know, now you have to. Yeah, exactly. Not that, I mean, I never started any shit. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't in. The club with Puff? Yeah, yeah.
Me either. It was a great line, you know? It was. But you weren't there that night. No, hell no.
You were just friendly.
You have to grow age-wise with your audience. Your core audience is aging. Right. the audience that you started with when they were very young, they want to love you because there's an emotional connection when you connect at that young age. The first song you got laid to.
Right. That's the king. Right. A kingmaker. Yeah. You know, that's the guy behind the throne.
So explain this to me as someone who maybe should know this, but I'm just, you know, I love that I can talk to you as frankly as I can. Like, I don't get the Kendrick Lamar-Drake feud. What I don't get is, like, what? Why? Should I stop? No. What? What's so funny? I feel like you're laughing at me. No. With me?
Yes. You're laughing near me. I'm laughing with you. Okay. All right.
I was explaining like that was a left turn like a motherfucker. When I said... When I told HBO I was doing a podcast, they were assed. They said, it'd be nothing like real time. I will never plan anything. And I've lived up to that pledge, believe me. Okay, what don't you understand about it? Okay, so I figured why this brought to my mind, but whatever you said...
What I don't understand is, OK, Kendrick Lamar, I'm not going to pretend that I really know his music at all. Understood, yeah. That's not kind of like the kind that I was describing. I think that's more melodic. OK. So, but what I get is that, you know, he's sort of the great tribune of social justice at the moment. Like he's taking more, he's more serious. He won a Nobel Prize. Right. Right.
Okay. So he's not rapping about the booty. I'm sure they're not going to give you a Nobel Prize for, you know. Booty raps. Booty raps. Am I wrong about that? You're absolutely correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, okay, here's this great Nobel Prize winning poet of social justice, but his obsession is to have a fight with another rapper. If social justice is really that big an issue.
There was Damon and Goliath. I know very little about Star Wars. I'm telling you right now. Okay, fuck. Okay, there's the Democrats and then there's Republicans. I get it that Drake is sort of the softer one.
And did not he also, even more important perhaps, change... what was fashionable in rap, made it a little more emo.
Was he a certified lover boy or was that grandfathered in?
But I never saw anything that proved he was a pedophile. There's been no court. There's been nobody brought any cases against him. Obviously, it's possible, especially in the music industry. But I guess it's possible for anybody.
Yeah, I mean, I hear this all the time from people who basically are saying what you're saying, which is like, it's great to be an ally, but Being real is almost, it's not better, but, like, it's very important. Yeah. To be real. Even if you don't agree. Yeah, yeah. You know? And so, anyway, I had to find some line, you know, when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Yes.
And so maybe it's well-known within the industry.
And then he was talking about... It must have been something. I don't think it was. What are your opinions on the Donbass? No, no.
Everyone's always rooting for the rebel against the mainstream guy. Right, right. Somebody has to be the man. Somebody has to be the establishment. Right. Or else it's no fun. Right. You know, who are you going to shake your fist at?
Well, it blew up because he kept taking records about it. And he would never stop singing it. No. And he sang it at the Super Bowl. Yeah. And like, you know, it's just, I thought, well, he's definitely not going to sing it at the Super Bowl. He made his point. No, he did that shit. Oh, I understand. But I thought he would say to himself, you know, I've made my point.
It's just going to look like overkill. But no, it was like, let's have some overkill. Okay, again, I would not want to be someone who, if I was innocent of this crime, because it's a pretty serious thing to level at somebody. You kind of have to really know for sure, don't you? No. No. Are you kidding?
So you're saying we're not for the suit.
Well, Drake sued his own record company. Yeah, I understand.
Okay, but does it not—my question is, does it not leave one with the impression that maybe— things aren't so bad if we can divert our attention to this seemingly internecine battle between two rappers that really is, you know, like you say, just performing.
Not that I'm comparing my leaving politically incorrect with walking on the moon, but he had to, like, come up with a line. You can't just fucking walk on the moon and go, geez, that was some shit, huh? Neil Armstrong, who famously said, geez, that was some shit. So he came up with one small step for men. Okay, great. So I was like, but I'm leaving this politically incorrect. And your song.
So, will there be further publicity hate to be made out of a rapprochement?
They just remade the movie. Yeah, yeah. They did. I mean, that's what most movies are some variation.
I mean, I feel like I remember a record of yours where you, and this is really a long time ago, 20, you know, again, that 20-year period, where you were saying hip-hop is hollow. Yes. And, okay, so what year was that? It was like back the way it was. Back to the way it was. Back to the way it was.
I feel like you said hip-hop was hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was the theme of it. So why? Because I feel like that's when it got harder. You can hold your breath till you're blue in the face.
So what's your feeling on that 20 years on? Was that of that moment, or did you get it back?
And I know the whole, I don't know a lot. Yeah, Bitch Please 2 is the Eminem record. Yes. Yeah. I'm not Ari Melber. I don't know rap songs like that. But I do know that one. And I know that whole thing. I think it starts, well, I can't even sing it. But I'm the head African-American in charge. Yeah. I watch you move. You're found dead in your garage with 10 o'clock news coverage.
I have never heard that there were five. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How ironic. The one we forgot.
All of those things.
Well, that's not forever, though. I mean, I don't know if Mozart was. Yeah, he probably got high. It was kind of crazy to begin with. Yeah, yeah.
I don't think in Europe in the 17th century they were doing cocaine. I could be wrong. Maybe the blow got into Europe, but I don't think so. Because I think it was always... They didn't have cocaine. Well, I don't think it was grown in the Middle East. Maybe they had, like, opium or something. Yes. No, they had... Well, different things...
Well, first of all, in Islam, drug use, you don't go to rehab. You go to piracy. There's no in between. It's very harsh. But in Africa, East Africa, I think mostly, they cut. Did you ever hear that? It's K-H-A-T, cut.
Yeah, it's a lot like cocaine. Like they give it to the soldiers to chew before they go into battle, going to get you. Like cocaine in the same sense of if you just chew the cocoa leaf, it's not the kind of high we know from cocaine. It's cool, but it's not that shitty, buzzy. Thank God I wasn't a cocaine addict because you definitely don't want to.
have to talk to the cocaine dealer the pot dealer is bad enough but not the one on cocaine you'll be there for three hours but uh no they they i mean every part of the world yes i think has something that makes you high you know i mean the romans said wine women and song and i think uh Sex, drugs, and rock and roll is like 2,000 years later.
Yes. I'd have to, I don't know what to do with myself, find something to do if I couldn't have music in my life. I think a lot of people feel the same way. We all like different kinds of music. But it's rare to find that person who doesn't like any music.
Don't you think? Those are scary people. They probably kick pets and shit. Well, there are people who don't like dogs, which I don't understand. There are people who really don't laugh. Trump does not laugh. Like, he makes people laugh. Sometimes intentionally. I'm trying to think.
I have not. Hmm. Like really laugh? Like a belly laugh, like a gut laugh. Like any laugh. Yeah. I don't feel like I've ever seen Donald Trump laugh. Maybe he has, but he's kind of like, you know, you can get a broad smile out of him. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I just don't think... I'm not saying that.
Look, there could be people like that who are nothing like him, and that is not my issue with Donald Trump. But it is indicative. It just is funny. And then there are people who laugh a little. Of course, as a comedian, you know a lot of these types who like – They laugh a little and then tell you a better joke. Yeah. Leno's that way. Yeah, yeah. That's good, yeah.
And then he's got, you know, always has a better topping joke. Yeah. But, no, I think laughing people. Trump has also never done pot or liquor. Never had a drink. Wow. Never had a drink, yeah. Maybe that's connected to the laughing thing. I don't know. But look, I can't... Like he's never had a... No, his brother died of alcoholism. I mean, you had alcohol problems, didn't you?
Didn't you have a drinking thing?
And then it's like, you got to love it. I've exposed the facade. Your little lungs are torn. Too small to hotbox with God. All jokes aside, come bounce with us. Standing open with a 12 gauge about to bust. Like ashes to ashes and dust to dust. I might leave in a body bag, but never in cups. And I thought, leave in a body bag. That's the message I want to leave. Standing on your principle. Yeah.
That's the problem with having a young body is that it takes so much punishment. Absolutely. So you can just do the stupidest thing.
Kids do things like that. Do you know what the latest TikTok challenge is? No. Dropping something super heavy on your foot. I'm not joking with you. Because they can. Because if we did it, I mean, if I stubbed my toe, I'm mad at myself for a week.
Isn't that movie great? It's awesome. It's scary. It's so on the money. It's scary because I see it happening. And President was played by Terry Crews.
And he's a great guy, by the way.
Now, that was Michael Douglas in The American President. Very similar, but... Oh, yeah. What movies do you watch? What's your diet of when you want to chill out or when you're watching with your girl? What do you watch? I watch... Netflix and chill or HBO? I like to... HBO, babe. Yeah, yeah.
I watched movies in the bathtub and in the kitchen. I used to watch cable news, and I'm so much happier. It's not that I don't keep up on the news, but I'm sorry. It depresses me. But movies, and I was watching one that I remember I saw in the theater. in 2005, because I recall who I was watching it with. And it's the, I can't remember the name of it, but it's Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen.
Derailed. Derailed. Yes. What are your memories of that? Man, there's so many. Really? You were not the hero, as I recall. I was not the hero.
Yeah. Well, you know, whatever shit I said at the time, I may not even agree with all of it now. I mean, 37-year-old me is not, or whatever I was, is not, I'm almost 70. Right. You know, but mostly, yeah, I'm pretty much the same guy. And I would do the same thing.
You know what I'm saying? This story is fraught with problematic tension in every possible way.
No. He said those words? Exact. Well, that was better than anything in the movie. Oh, oh, oh. That's fucking awesome.
I just found a network, or they found me, or it was just lucky we got together, where that was never really going to be an issue again because there were no sponsors. The show never lost its audience. It just lost the sponsors. And in commercial TV, you can't survive without sponsors. They pay the bills. So anyway, what did you light up there? What did you put in there? What is in that dropper?
Well, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to get to know you. Every time. OK. So I hope you will come back to this place, whether the cameras are on or not. I will.
Vegas? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, we had a fire here. I don't know if you heard. And I thought, next time there's a fire, I'm going to Vegas. Really? Yeah, because, like, I know people who, you know, we're going to Palm Springs or whatever. And it's like, okay, well, good luck getting a hotel when everybody's bugging out. Also, I love Palm Springs. I've been there many times. But, you know...
It's nothing to do. It's a million degrees, and it's only gay people and old people. I mean, I love both. I love both groups of people. But Vegas? I was like, oh, no. You know what? If I had to cool my heels in Vegas for a week, I think I could do that. It's not bad. There's shit to do there. You got to stay off the strip. Stay out the fucking casinos. No, that's where I would be.
I might as well go to Palm Springs. Yeah, okay. But eventually that gets old. Well, great restaurants don't get old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't go to the club. Yeah. I'm not going there, but, you know, there are... Man, I was at... Bruno Mars has a club there. Yeah. You know that? Yeah, I do. It's like a lounge, right? Yes, it's great because... Do one more of these, would you?
Yes, because Vegas needs... More things like that. Things that are not exactly the big shows, which are great.
But later at night. But that's not a nightclub. Right. I'm not going to a nightclub with a zillion decibels. Oh, my God. Are you crazy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. And this was plenty loud. But you could talk. And it was like a great live band and it played like stuff from all eras. You know, it wasn't just today.
That kind of stuff is what I, and you're not, you know, you're not going to get that everywhere.
But why do you live in Vegas?
I'm not going to be depressing on this. Yeah. But come on, man. I mean, if you go to Vegas, of all the places you could go. Mm-hmm. I think you want to be near the Strip sometimes.
All right. Yeah, it's time to work. Well, next time I'm in Vegas. Yes. We'll stay off the strip. Yeah. No. But it might.
Jing. I drink it. I do. I love it. It's a way to make diet soda without any chemicals. What do you drink? Oh, you don't drink anymore. Well, I do.
Exhibit, everybody. A new album drops when? March 29th. March 29th. Yeah. Is it February that has 28 days? Yeah, okay. Yeah.
You don't drink liquor.
There's a reason to celebrate. You know what? That's almost exactly what I do. I drink here.
And never more than two.
Well, let's try this one from the woods. It's Lil Woody's.
See that? Lil Woody's. Yeah. And it looks like it's of some sort. What is that? Like a four gram, three gram? I don't know those kind of things. But I mean, Woody seems to have signed it. It's very fancy. Wow. I'd almost say gay.
So let's light this gay joint. OK. Let's have a gay old time. So you got a new record coming out? Yeah, yeah, man.
The whole generation wasn't even around.
I did not see that coming.
As the kids say, I did not have that on my bingo card. When's the last time anybody played bingo?
Yeah, I remember them. I lost the lighter already. No, no. That's not the one.
I tell you, kids, don't smoke pot because this is what will happen to you. You'll just be two washed-up celebrities getting high in my basement. And I'm telling you. Oh, here it is right in front of my fucking face. So that's on Conor McGregor's bucket list. Greenback Records. Start a record label. Yeah. Throw a chair through a bus. Start a record label. He's a bad boy. Yeah, I mean.
No, I don't dislike him. Yeah, yeah. I just, you know, I mean, he's just a badass.
But especially music.
Oh, I mean, they go through people's old tweets. You're very fortunate that they don't go through people's old raps. I'm just going to say there are some advantages, my friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you drop. They will. They will one day. Oh, they could. And it wouldn't be hard to find. No. Things that are just so misogynistic. Yeah, you can't say that shit now.
And that's the title.
But I'm saying, bitch, please, you must have a mental disease. Yeah. Assume the position and get back down on your knees. Get back down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not bad enough. It's like she got up to get a glass of water and that pissed you off. Yeah, that would not win Now's Man of the Year award. Yeah, it didn't age well. It didn't age well. But you know what? I make this case all the time.
There's an author who wrote a book about it. He calls it presentism. It means you don't judge people by the mores of the past because people were always just different. Right. You're not better. You just came later. Yes. You're not better than George Washington.
Everybody had slaves in that era, including people of color in other parts of the world. Correct. They did it too. They had this big argument going. They say, well, schools aren't teaching slavery. I don't know. I grew up in New Jersey. Right. We did in New Jersey. Right. Even in the 60s. Right. You know, it wasn't like the 1619 Project where they defined the country, but we got the message.
It was wrong. Yeah. And it was done. We were in the North, so it was like, oh, those assholes. You know, whereas, of course, the North participated in that. Correct. Right, of course. Everybody was, you know, talk about an economy built on cheap labor. Yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah, free labor.
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And what we have to do is, of course, learn to live harmoniously with people we just don't agree with that much. So we can just get past this. You're right. We should. And I'm happy to. And there's a million things in here and in the movie that I think are great and I would love to talk about. Okay.
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Well, there's two places in this book. Is it out already, The Disenlightenment?
Just came out. Politics, Horror, and Entertainment. I mean, it's two places where you like to say in a sentence what the book is. One is, you said, it's an attempt to connect, I think, or identify things that are connected that don't seem to be but actually are part of a single disease. Yeah.
Okay, that's one. And then another one is like you said, this book is about how government is like Hollywood and they're both like myth.
That's correct. So you want to hit either one of those as the way you describe the book itself? Yeah.
It's a single disease.
The administration didn't. People on the left do.
calling the roll hey darling marmot how are you thanks for having me excuse the laughter nothing to it what's new i love the way you're amusing yourself oh this is a great pool table yeah it's amazing nothing's ever spilled on it because like there's so many drunks around it all the time i'm not naming names
You do know that there are people listening to this who are hearing you say a bunch of brigands took over prosecuting their own agenda and they're going to think, He's talking about the Trump administration, right? Okay. Well, I'm not. I know. I know you're not. But you understand why some people would think that? Sure, because they watch the legacy media and they watch CNN News.
But they're going to say, and it sounds to me like you may watch a lot of Fox News.
Well, they're not obeying judges' orders. That is unconstitutional.
There have been many judges' orders about the immigration issue, yes, that they're just ignoring.
What's very clear in the Constitution, because it's been both the Fifth and the Fourteenth Amendment, is that they could have said the word citizen both times. And they said the word person. A person has a right to a trial. Yeah, they do have a right to a trial. They purposely didn't say citizen.
That's why it's, yes, unconstitutional and illegal to take people off the streets without any hearing at all and send them to a foreign prison. That is not in the Constitution.
I never saw you in a hat like that. Is this because you're coming off a directorial? Oh, and you have a book. I mean, my God.
Can I use the topic of prison to seg into a plug of your movie?
If you must. I loved it. Henry Johnson. Thank you. Yeah, well, of course, the first thing I thought was, you know, you have said, I think, now don't throw another 10 grand at me if I get the quote wrong, but I think you were even here maybe talking about it, that movies almost don't need dialogue. Yeah, do that one. And yet, this movie is all dialogue. Well, what am I going to do, you know?
But I thought it was delicious. It's three scenes, really, and Henry Johnson is in all of them, and he's with a different person in each of the other ones. I don't want to give too much away. The first is someone at a firm he was working out with, and then he's in prison. And that's the one with Shia LaBeouf, who has never been better than in that role. He's amazing. And then the prison guard.
And, you know, to me, the through line, not just through there, but a lot of your work is you do feel like people are always conning people. I mean, a lot of your work is about con artists and different ways of conning. Aren't we? Yeah. Yes, I'm not saying you're wrong, but I'm saying that to me is like the through line.
If I had to think of like so many of the David Mamet stuff that I love is like you just getting into that subject of people conning each other in all the different ways we do it. I mean, some of them are direct cons, the Spanish prisoner and things that are like classic cons that are people actually doing as a con. Those are fun. And then it's just the more subtle ways.
I mean, Shia's whole speech is really about that, is it not?
Well, we're going to talk about all of it. But first, I read in here that at a dinner party, the conversation always lapses 20 minutes after the hour and before the hour. So say you. So say the French. That's right. Okay. Can we put that to the test? Does this count as kind of a dinner party or is this not counting because we're drinking and smoking? Okay.
Yeah, I can't help but see a little politics in that.
Between the lines. I don't think so. No? Okay.
I think a lot of people would be surprised if they heard a playwright of your magnitude say, I'm not sure what the play's about. Is that the way it's supposed to be? That it's a mystery even to you to a degree?
Because one reason I enjoyed it so much is because when it got to the end, I said, I get it. What I thought you were aiming for and in your artistic way, and maybe I'm just too one-dimensional and I should be thinking about it more and maybe I could never get it. But I really took it and I relished it and That, you know, do-gooders are people who try to do the right thing.
Sometimes they wind up hurting the people even more. Not always. I mean, we shouldn't end do-gooderism. But there is a certain level to this guy that he keeps in all these iterations being taken in. And it's, you know, a fool, whatever your quote was.
Yes, I must say, and maybe we talked about this, but to me, great art, movies anyway, plays, like the ending, that's the hard part. Anyone can think of a movie, how do you end it? And to make the ending both surprising and... Inevitable. Inevitable.
That's the trick. And I felt like you ducked the landing on that one.
And make sense enough.
Yeah. But, okay, so you say you separate the political from the other. And yet, like, did you not say last time that you were working on A JFK?
Okay. And also Lincoln Gay? Oh, yeah. That's coming up. Okay. So if you're doing Lincoln and Kennedy, how can you separate the political?
Okay, so what's going on with Lincoln Gay? I'm anxious to see this.
You love your con men. I do, too. We all do. They're fun. They are great. It's always interesting to watch a con and someone being conned.
You think this is structured? Boy, did you get the wrong email. It's definitely not. No? Okay. Is that what you got from our other times here? That I'm structured? That I have, like, an agenda? That I know where I'm going with any of this? No, no, I think you're doing fine. This is club random. This is random. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but what, I mean, I find this hard to believe.
Look at the hypocrisy about homosexuality in the Muslim world. Well, yeah, sure. I mean, any time you cover the women and segregate the women to that degree, you're going to have rampant heterosexuality. Which I guess is hotter because if they catch you, they throw you off the roof.
Right. Because at the end of it, he asked for Streisand tickets? I mean, what was in the letter? I'm very curious. Because I know that people did not write letters in that era where they would be explicit about it.
Yeah, but didn't everybody on the frontier have to bunk together because they were on the frontier?
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Why were you attracted to this subject of all the things you could write about?
I know, but... Okay. I mean, you could fill in the... Your thing is a little deeper than what liquor I like. You could fill in the details a little. Like, no? The muse just strikes you that way.
Really? And you've taken advantage of that, huh? You bet I have. All right, so what about the JFK one?
And what is the reason in this? Why does conversation lag here? You say there's like seven-minute increments when people are talking, so then like after three they stop?
Perfect casting.
It was great. Oh, wow.
I think I finally understand the assassination.
You know, this guy Marcello, the mob boss.
He was pissed. There was three wings that were very pissed at Kennedy. One was the mafia. They felt they were double-crossed because they helped Kennedy win, and then Bobby Kennedy prosecuted them when he was Attorney General. Okay. Then there was like the standard... Right-wingers that are always here in this country. Let's not get into that again. They're wonderful people.
You know, they were the John Birchers back then, and they became the Birthers. Now they're MAGA. They're always there. It's about a third of the country. Very far right-wing. That was that guy, Guy Bannister.
He just hated Kennedy because Kennedy represented everything that was just horrible about America. And then there was Ferry, Daniel Ferry, played by Joe Pesci in the Oliver Stone movie. And he had run... Guns to the Cubans, you know. Castro took over in 59. They were trying to oust him. So he felt double-crossed by Kennedy, the Bay of Pigs.
So you have three people here in this Agatha Christie story who really want to kill John F. Kennedy. Mm-hmm. And then Oswald, I mean, what's so weird about the Oswald thing that we just gloss over is the time he spent in the Soviet Union, our desperate enemy at the time. It's treated in the press as if it's just another interesting fact about Lee Harvey Oswald.
Oh, and did you know he spent some time in the Soviet Union and he was a stamp collector? You know, yeah, he was there in the Soviet Union and then came back to America and shoots the president. If he shot the president. Oh, you don't think he shot the president? No, I don't think so. Well, I mean, he... Yeah, I think there was a conspiracy and there were other gunmen.
But he was the perfect patsy.
Yes. There's lots of witnesses who saw them together. I mean, it's just passing strange to me that we just gloss over that part of, like, if you just wrote a script and said, okay, well, there's two bitter enemies, and one of them defects to the other country and then comes back and kills their leader. You would think that that was a little suspicious.
In the book, The Disenlightenment, sorry, I forgot the title, I think you say you don't believe in the Brutus Pruder film is faked.
And there's no other explanation for what that could be than foul play?
But we're not all telling stories. Say what? We're not just always telling a story.
Well, see, that's a different movie. That's interesting. That's a good movie, yeah. You wrote it? Yeah.
There's none in the story.
But what's the part they took out and why?
But the way the Zapruder film is... as we have seen it, only makes you more suspicious. It doesn't, like, cover up the crime. It makes it look more ridiculous. Yeah. Was that their intent?
That I believe in general. Yes, I do think.
It's so ridiculous. Yeah. There's just no way to talk your way out of it.
Well, I mean, you mentioned UFOs. I happen to think UFOs get lumped in with conspiracy nuts unfairly because there is nothing unscientific about thinking that there could be other life in the universe and or they could be watching us right now or could be in the next room, and we don't know. That's not unscientific. That's not a conspiracy theory. Is that where you are with that?
Because they're waiting for the play to start, no?
I know lots of people who are not crazy people, who have seen what some people would call a ghost, and a few people who have seen something that you would call an alien. Now... I've quizzed them very closely, tried to ascertain were you drunk, were you dreaming? And if somebody put me through that, I would be very frustrated because I know when I'm drunk or dreaming.
So I don't know what to say about that, except I got to think that whatever stations we're tuning into on our radio, there are other stations we're not receiving. I don't know what exactly they are.
Because, I don't know, my guess is because they think, oh, well, we've been here for a few minutes. The play's supposed to start at 8. I bet you it's going to start right around now.
Of course, and it comes out, and I get the actual dinosaur print edition. Oh, that's great. And it pisses me off as much as it pisses you off. So I'm not the horrible person who you thought I was when we sat down and you said I was attacking you. I'm not. The New York Times, I understand, is as slanted and as full of shit as...
I think that too, but I still read it because I want to know what that side is thinking. Also, it's not all full of shit. They have some great writers, some great columnists who I still love, and they also have reporters everywhere in the world. And even though what I'm reading, even now from overseas, I feel like, okay, everything has to have your kind of times slant to it.
I still can get the information. I want to know what's going on in Mogadishu, and nobody else is there. So, yes, it still prints.
Well, I mean, they could make things better. I mean, look... AI, I'd love to know what you think about that. This has changed so much. I was at dinner in November of 22. Okay, I think that's when it was, maybe 23 even. And I remember right after the season ended, somebody first had chat GPT and showed it to me on their phone. This is only a couple of years ago.
And they said, write a scene where Bill Maher is on the show Succession and Logan Roy wants to hire him away from HBO. And like in two seconds, it had printed out this scene, which was not genius and not what a real playwright can do, but would be a start for a lot of people. And I thought, well, life is different than it ever has been before.
And we are now, I've accelerated it, and everybody I know has it on their phone. I mean, we do have like a robot butler. It may not be a physical one yet, but they use it for every possible thing, sometimes valuable.
I hurt my finger playing ball, and the person I was playing with looked up right on chat GPT and showed it a picture of this, and then the thing was able to identify it and tell me what to do. I mean, I just know some of this is good, but... Instinctively, I feel this is gonna be very bad.
Again, this is what a lot of people think of the right. You're describing exactly what a lot of people would say about MAGA Nation.
And it's true. I'm one of the ones. Yeah. I'm always there with you on that. They're just aggressively anti-common sense people. People who just want to, and this is what loses them elections. People just look at them and go, why are you obstinately trying to be so counterintuitive? Yeah. And I can't let people like that control the levers of power. I get why Trump wins.
And I'll give you something else about your boy. Yeah. Like, I don't think he's read Spengler, and I don't think he's read Toynbee, and I don't think he's read a lot, but he gets on a whatever level, basic level, that Western civilization good. And I'm on that level too. But I know it because I actually read this shit and I know what happened in history and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, I mean, man, each book you get more right wing, I have to say. Like the last one, I remember you were on my show and it was like one line in it that was, and I said to you on the air, like, are you implying that Trump, that election was stolen by Biden? No, I didn't. You were kind of like hedging it, and now you're like— Well, you don't know what happened to me the next morning.
Western civilization, good. The ideas of Western civilization, good. And the ideas of, well, let's keep the women covered up and people don't have, you know, you have to have a two-story home because you can throw the gays off the roof. Yeah. Like... I did this on my show a couple of weeks ago. I was talking about the college kids.
I was like, not only do they hate America, not only do they hate the civilization they should adore because it's given them everything, including their rights as well as their material comforts, but they love the wrong one. They love the rule. They want to globalize the intifada.
They hate the right one, the one of free speech and free elections and women are equal and gays, all the stuff these parties love. And they embrace this other one that is so anti-liberal. So I get... Why? It's very appealing. If you just look at the big, big, big picture to have the guy who goes, I get it. Western civilization, good. Although those Qatari planes that are free, that's sweet.
And Western, yeah. And that, to me, is probably what's going to be the issue of the next election again. Because the Democrats, they cannot seem to divorce themselves from this. We're with the Palestinians.
That's not the issue. They always say that. Nobody heard our message. They have a message. People just didn't like it.
Right. Yeah. Their message, again, is that we will always count on us to always go against the grain of common sense. We will back the thing that doesn't really make any sense. Here in California, if someone breaks into my home and I shoot them, I could go to jail. You see how counterintuitive that is, people?
That's a great line. It is to this state, sunshine, what oil is to oil-producing countries. It corrupts them. It allows them to get away with things they never would be able to get away with if they didn't have the oil. And that's what sunshine is out here. You're absolutely right. Yeah. But yet we, I mean, do you know how important sunshine is? I love it. Who doesn't love sunshine?
Fuck Scotland. I felt that about New Jersey.
And New York. I came from New York. And I moved here on New Year's Day, and, you know, I was zipping up my jacket a little bit, coming from the freezing cold, and I was like, fuck, why didn't I do this three years earlier? Yeah, indeed. But... Are we overtaxed? Yes. Are we overregulated? Yes. And the tragedy is that it doesn't have to be that way. You could have the sunshine and the common sense.
No, I mean, I've confronted our governor about this many times. And I mean, I know this guy is probably not your cup of tea, but at least we see, I mean, Gavin Newsom was like the poster boy for the far left, California government, blah, blah, blah. And he's come around on women in sports. He's come around on getting the homeless off the streets. He's come around on free Medicare.
Maybe. But I think he wants to be president. And I think to be president, you have to move to the center. I mean, at least we see a movement. I mean, you would agree that we need two parties, right? We need a choice. Okay. So it's good that there are voices on the Democratic side who are coming more to the middle.
No. Why would I purposely? I'm not a ghoul like you. No, no.
Right. I mean, I'm thinking back now to January and what I was saying about that shit, which seemed to me like the reasonable middle position, which I always think of myself, maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, maybe everybody else is right. I just think, was wokeness a part of it? Yes. But there was also 100 mile hour winds. They also built the city in a stupid place to build a city.
So if you ask me, that was 80% of it. But when you're living in a disaster zone like this, you can't afford to make any errors. And they made plenty of errors. And The police chief, I think the top three spots in the fire department, I think, were lesbians, something like that. And it's like, I think lesbians can do the job, of course.
I just don't think you should pick among lesbians when you're looking for a chief. And I think that's what they did. It was like they checked. That's the Democrats' problem. They checked the identity box first. Well, sure. I think they decided they wanted a lesbian. And that's not right.
Right, put out the fires. Another one said... When there's a disaster, be it a fire or something else, when the first responder gets there, people want to see someone who looks like them. Yeah, that's cute. What? That's cute. That, in a nutshell, is what's wrong with the left, right? Yeah, they're crazy. Okay, so if we agree on that, what drove them to that place? Can you take me on the journey?
Because I always try to make the distinction between liberal, old school liberal, which is what I basically think of myself, and woke, which is this kind of shit. To me, this is not the liberals that my parents were, that I grew up with. Maybe you were in the 80s or some shit like that. Maybe not. I mean, you were always out there.
Yeah, I mean, you have a line in the book there about, I'm forgetting how it says it, you said it so well, about... Today's liberals relish the odor of sanctity as if it was courage. Something like that. Oh, it's a good line. I hope I said it. That's a good line. You don't remember? No, I don't. But thank you. I like it.
And, you know, to have the lawn sign. In this house, we believe. And, of course, they're always very hypocritical, which is the infuriating thing about them, about so much of this. They're so obsessed with privilege while they live these very privileging lives. I call them liberals in theory. You know, they're liberals in theory, but they actually treat their housekeeper like shit.
You know, they treat their assistants like 24-7 slaves. They just do things that are so, to me, unliberal. Things that my father or mother would never do because they were old-school liberals who, like, treated people really well. Yeah, I believe in treating people well.
No, no, I know, but I'm just saying that is their—to me, that's the thing that bugs me most about them when I think about them, is that you're only liberal in theory. Yes, your politics are liberal, but I actually see the way you act.
There's a clip I saw the other day that's just LOL about, it's like the steeplechase, like the high, you know, they run and then they jump over a thing, whatever they call that race. And it's like these, you know, like beautiful life women, and then there's just like one just tree trunk leg person who's just, and it's just like, come on, man. Like, again...
But it wasn't. Well, I think it was. But they've adjudicated this. They've looked at this. Republicans have looked at this. It was tested in court like 60 times. It was thrown out every time. Trump's own commission, appointed by his own commissioners to look at the election, The Cybersecurity Commission, it's called, or agency, there's two of them.
We can't vote for you if we think there's a worm in your brain of some kind. You know, we can't vote for you if you just obstinately want to die on these hills that make no sense. Well, good. Men can get pregnant and so forth. Yeah. But that's what opens the door to, you know, we don't need to get into it, but what I think is a greater threat. But, you know... What can I say?
Somebody sent me a very sad email the other day about a very dear friend of theirs who was unfairly, I think, frog-marched out of the country for being a migrant. And all I could answer back was, you shouldn't have lost the election. That's what happens when you lose elections. Elections have consequences. You went way too far with your crazy left-wing bullshit.
And the people said, no, he's less crazy than this. And you just, you did it to yourself. So I'm real sorry about your migrant friend. And that isn't right, but it's predictable. And you could have stopped it. If you really thought Trump was the existential threat he was, then, you know, to your point earlier, why put up Biden? If it was really that important?
I mean, Democrats will never be able to answer that question. If that election was really that important, you couldn't summon the courage to confront an old man that your time has passed? That's a good question.
But since there's been this vibe shift, like, it hasn't helped you in the business? I mean, you said before when you sat down, blacklisted and blah, blah, blah.
What about streaming? Do you think that that is helpful, hurtful? Could that be good for you? Could that be a... Sure. Yeah.
Well, you know the Shelley Winters story, right? What's that? Shelley Winters had three Oscars, and she was asked to audition. And she walked into the office, and she put her Oscars down on the guy's desk and said, maybe you don't know my work. That's good. So what are you writing now?
One of them is within the Department of Homeland Security. They all said the same thing. It was the most fair, honest election we've ever had.
What are you writing now?
Who was the one who wrote all those French mysteries and it wasn't really the person's name?
Simenon. George Simenon. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, it's a way to be more prolific. I mean, you're so prolific as it is, but yeah, I guess you could write other things. Or it could be like the front. It could be like the blacklist era. That's right. Because you're blacklisted. Exactly so. Of course, your style is very often distinctive. But somebody could be like, Now, as long as they have the cover.
But I think that's going to change. I do. What about overseas? I would think you would have like a Woody Allen kind of thing, a Jerry Lewis thing like overseas, like they would adore you in ways that this country sometimes is too provincial.
And do you know what that's about, or is that one where you— No, I wrote—that's all written already. I know, but you said before you don't always know what it's about.
It is, I mean, you could easily write a series of books on how the downfall of education is the source of all our problems in this country.
Babies don't have cell phones.
Yeah, I know. Maybe I'm sure it's just that I'm from a different generation, but I can look on, I mean, I'm barely on these sites, but I must be on Instagram. I have it. And if I go on it, all it is, is dogs doing funny things. Because it must have been that the only thing I ever clicked on or watched was dogs doing funny things. So it was just an endless scroll. And I could... Watch it all day.
It's endlessly amusing. But I don't. But I say to myself, because I'm a sentient being after two minutes, well, that was great, but I do have a life to live. You mean that's beyond the ken of the younger generation? They can't just discipline themselves enough to do that?
Oh, please. That's so ridiculous. Those things are true. And they did suppress Hunter Biden. The press did do that. I've said this many times myself and COVID. Nobody was more out there about, fuck you, we weren't allowed to hear about what we wanted to hear about COVID than I was. But... Would it have swung the election? Every election, some things are suppressed.
Yeah. I mean, that was one of the themes of my last stand-up special was that I really placed it back on parents. If you indulge your kids, if you kiss their ass so much when they're kids and tell them they're really just shorter adults and that their thoughts are just as valid as that of an adult.
I mentioned the time, or it actually wasn't the time, it would have never been a time, but I would often see my parents when I was a kid, discussing personal, not personal, but political events in the living room with their friends, the idea that I would have walked into that room and said, you know, I have some thoughts about Vietnam.
And yet I see, I've been to people's houses where their kids invite themselves into adult conversations and are not reprimanded for doing so. So if you bring up a child that way, and of course they're not, you know, the brain is not even fully developed. If you bring up a kid that way and then they start saying, you know, well, men can get pregnant and whatever the latest crazy thing is, you know,
Of course, that's what's going to be the downstream upshot of bringing up kids that way, that their stupid ideas are just as valid and should be taken seriously. It kind of reminds me of the way, you know, sometimes in medieval times or Renaissance times, any time when they were still having kings, and the king would die and a four-year-old would take the throne, the dolphin, the Dauphine, right?
And then there would be a regent. But, you know, at a certain point, the kid would make pronouncements.
You saw me lower my left and you got the hook in.
But it is kind of like that, you know, when you have to take the rantings of a child seriously because that's what would happen. is that the five-year-old would say something ridiculous, and then the whole court would have to pretend that it was something that we should... The council will meeting on the idea that we should examine his poop twice a day.
Did you take your kids out of school?
Well, I think because when the parents went to those elite universities, they were elite. People don't understand that it's not your dad's college.
It's not a very fair game, politics, but we do play within a certain type of rules. One of them is no ringers from the outside.
Well, I mean, your boy's going after them hard.
Good. Okay, but you know what? Look, again, everything is always over the top. Right. Was I with him that I've said it for years about Harvard and these places, especially after October 7th, that they're just asshole factories. That's right. They're asshole factories and they don't understand They have no perspective on anything, which is how they wound up on the wrong side of what's liberal.
They cannot figure out who the good guys are in this battle. As you say in your book, Israel is really the leader of the free world now. I think that's kind of true. Thank you. But to ban all foreign students, I mean, most of the foreign students who come here are not for the globalizing the Infitada. They're Chinese. I know you'd like to believe that I would, too. How do you know?
you think most of the foreigners didn't know some because they're coming to america for the same reason many of them have always come to america because it's a beacon of hope and it's a place where you can study and where you can learn and where the labs are good and that's why we have kicked ass in the world with four percent of the population because we stole ideas and good people and good brains from all over the world because they wanted to come here and he is fucking with that
People are not going to want to come here and already have stopped coming here. And we don't want to have a brain drain out of the country, which is also happening. We want to have a good... We're here. What? We're here. We're here because we're too old to leave. We want to have a place that attracts the best brains. That was always one of our big secrets.
Yes, we always did before. Like, we're not going to have other countries involved in our elections. That was, we'll do whatever we want to each other, but we're not going to do that. Who did it? Well, Trump publicly said, Russia, if you're listening, could you get into Hillary's emails, that kind of stuff.
I don't either.
They made some concessions.
Do I have it written down?
Yes, I understand that.
What if you don't have the cards to do that? What? What if you don't have the cards to do that?
Is that what he's doing with tariffs?
What do you think about tariffs on foreign films he wants to put on? I don't know.
They fight to keep church and state separate. like our founders actually intended. The only thing worse than someone forcing religion on you is when they do it by law. For membership information, text CLUB to 511-511. Text feeds may apply. You know what's underrated these days? A shirt that actually fits. Not one that looks like it was designed for a bodybuilder or your dad in 1993.
Yeah. I mean, you're the guy who says, you know, they should make popcorn and not diversity rules. And I agree with you.
Also, it's just... But I like popcorn movies, and you don't.
What are some popcorn movies you like?
Most people wouldn't consider those popcorn. Say what? Most people would not consider that a popcorn movie. I mean, I just watched a bunch of old movies. I like them too.
But okay, I mean, you said the business is dying. They just had their best box office weekend ever because of Lilo and Stitch, whatever the fuck that is, and Mission Impossible. Yeah. Mission Impossible is the ultimate popcorn movie.
Ultimate 2. Still ultimating.
He says he's going to do action movies when he's 100.
But how many other people are employed here doing movies? No, I'm just saying the communal experience of going to the movies is not dead.
I love the Third Street.
Okay. Well, that is not a good argument for Californiaizing America.
I did not say that.
No, that's going to be a tough one to get around. Well, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming by. Sorry I pissed you off at the beginning. I adore you, and I hope you don't hold that against me. I did not intend to immediately get onto that subject. We just did. I told you, there's no agenda here. It just happened. I appreciate it.
I said he, it's a ringer. You know, Dave, when I used to play in the Broadway show league, and maybe you have, you've had many big successful shows on Broadway. Maybe they had you on the team. Did you ever play in the Broadway show league? No, I didn't.
Just told the truth. Yeah. I want everyone to keep talking. I do too. And especially for the Democrats who have no power. How ridiculous to think you can get away with not talking to people when you have no, to your poker thing, you have no cards.
Yes, parties can die. And the Democrats, they will either go to the middle and stop being the party of, I can't trust you because you're always counterintuitive, or they will die. And I think they will go to the middle. I think they will survive because, like, things want to live.
I know you think liberals want to destroy the family.
Okay, but liberals actually think they're doing good. I know a lot of times it's really just about making them feel good, which is what's so obnoxious when they do that. But they're not actually trying to.
But see, this is why I think I understand Henry Johnson. Yeah. Because I think that.
I think that's what I think the movie's about. Yeah. I got you. Oh, good. Thank you. It is political. Thank you so much. All right.
Well, okay. Well, okay. So, you know, it was, you know, you'd play Annie or, you know, Man of La Mancha. And the comedy club had a team. We were sort of in the Broadway world. And once in a while, a team, you know, would be like batting third for my fair lady. And it was Jose Canseco. You know, it was like some bartender's friend who like would hit the ball a million. That's a ringer.
That's called a ringer. You're not really supposed to be in that game. And Trump invited that in a way nobody else ever did in American politics. I'm not saying he's a Russian spy. I don't think that. I even think he really wants to make America great. I do. I just, I don't agree with how he's doing it. And he certainly feathers his own nest in a way no president has ever even come close to doing.
What he's selling the Bitcoin, you know, have dinners with the open bribery that goes on. Okay, people don't seem to care about that. But he certainly invited another country to do things, and they took advantage of it, of course. Would it have made a difference? I don't know. How did they take advantage of it? Well, Trump's campaign manager was sharing polling data with a GRU agent. Maybe.
Okay, that's something that, I mean, even Nixon didn't do that.
Well, we know that Russia would put things on the Internet that weren't true just to get people fighting, you know, that kind of stuff.
You know, they would say like, you know, the Pope, they would put up some meme about, you know, the Pope is backing Trump. It wasn't true, but people believed it and they just started to fight over it.
So how, wait, what is it that hasn't been resolved? The asymmetry of American elections, the fact that if one party, the Republican Party, wins the election, the other party goes, okay, you win some, you lose some, and they go home. Hillary Clinton went home. Kamala Harris went home. You can't imagine Trump ever going home.
But on the other hand... No, no, I don't have to imagine what he did in 2020, which was never concede the election.
Well, it is necessary. The analogy falls down because if a prizefighter loses, it doesn't inspire people to riot. How did he inspire people to riot? By not conceding the election.
Yes. What do you think January 6th was about?
It was about people who did not hear their leader say, as every other leader in this country has said after an election, okay, I lost. We welcome the new guy. We had disagreements, but now we're all Americans. When Obama took over, George Bush stood next to him and he said, okay. We want you to succeed because when you succeed, Trump didn't do any of that. Okay. So what? So what?
It inspires half the country to not accept the basic democratic principle that we have elections, and when you lose, you go away, and then you become the loyal opposition.
That's why I like True Classic. They make clothes for real guys with real bodies and real budgets. So skip the overpriced designer labels. Forget the fast fashion landfill filler. Go to trueclassic.com slash random or hit Target or Costco and pick some up. True Classic, your body and your wallet will thank you. I know you think liberals want to destroy the family.
No, I didn't say half the country rioted. A lot of people rioted, and it was less than half the country because he got less than half the votes and still won. That's okay. That's our system. But a good deal of the country, approaching half, the people who are MAGA, the people who love him, at least a third of the country, will now in the future never accept any electoral results.
And a democracy can't continue in that way. You have to have this situation we've always had where the one football coach walks across the field and shakes the hand with the coach who just beat him in the game.
Why wouldn't they exist?
Well, he wasn't out of his mind and demented for four years. He probably wasn't out of his mind or demented even on the last day. He just did the view. Did the Democrats do a horrible thing in propping him up and keeping him in office and trying to run him again? Yeah, they did. Of course. I am never easy on the Democrats or the left.
And I'm totally with you on Israel, but they would, of course, still exist because they can defend themselves. But you've said things like, you know, liberals have never done anything for Israel. That's bullshit. Harry Truman recognized Israel when many people told him not to.
That half the country would have rioted? If I got that... If I got that quote wrong, I apologize and I will take it back.
It was not my plan to attack you, and I'm sorry if you think I'm attacking you.
We just got onto this, and I'm sorry that I'm not going to pretend that I agree with you.
Well, we're at the 20-minute mark, so we could just end it.
When you want it to end. I don't want to piss you off. I'm your biggest fan. The fact that we don't agree on something so fundamental is still completely okay with me. I don't get it the way you don't get me. You just said I'm completely full of shit. And, of course, people who disagree to this level, they think that of the other person.
And you got the yarmulke on your head right now, too.
Do you ever do the pegging thing? Have you ever tried that? No, I have a dick. Well, you have what? I have a dick. You can still get pegged. I have a butt plug in right now in about a half hour. No, it's, oh, oh, like Bill Maher is the only one keeping the butt plug industry alive. A lot of people do it.
Oh, God, you're right. I'm going to have a prostate orgasm in a few minutes. And I am a squirter.
I like this guy. Do you have a younger sister or niece? Asking for a friend. I do, but why? Nothing, never mind. You want to tell her over? I know my black hooker to hear anyway. Let's move on.
Yeah, you can Google it. Yeah. It's well known. It is. Everyone, you know, likes their thing.
So far the blackest thing about you is... I would fuck Quintana Brown Jackson. Okay? This audience doesn't know who that is. That's why you didn't laugh.
Well, now that you're in Texas, you seem to be a bit of a floozy. Nothing wrong with that.
But I have a bit of advice for you. Yeah. Do you know what a Mexican abortion is?
Okay, okay, okay. Well, you're inevitably going to get pregnant, okay? And when you get knocked up by a child, to get a Mexican abortion, you get knocked up by a Mexican, and then ICE will get rid of the baby for you. It just makes the whole process easier.
I'm starting to chub up. This is getting better. Okay, what else?
Were you going to cut your hair and call, or were you just going to?
Okay. Calm down. Calm down, people. I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little Circus here. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan of this show.
I love this show, though. What was your name again?
All right, Benny boy. I think I just decided to stop smoking pot.
Yeah. No. Real time, Bill Maher, club random. No. Likes black hookers. Never heard of you.
Okay, are you wearing your own merch?
Why is the band so close to me? Tony, you know, I have a little rule to not have my back to black people. I'm kidding.
Tony, you're like a magician. You make Terrible comedians disappear.
They're fortune cookies.
Usually heroin screws with your brain, but you got away scot-free.
I love my Sharia more, by the way.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know all my blind people.
You can go online and if you Google... Kyle Dunnigan, Bill Maher, you'll see. What a huge fan I am.
Buy me two black hookers.
Incredible. Okay, that's our show. Come in next week when my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hot Tua Girl. That was a long story. That was a very long story, you gotta be honest.
You just said, what are you, crazy?
That was batshit. I love it. No, it was great. Like a totally different show happened for 20 minutes.
Well, you wouldn't... Next week after that, I have Prime Minister Trudeau and Megan Thee Stallion. So it's a whole month of great shows that we have. Who books? Do you book it yourself? I book it myself.
We have Kim Jong-un and the Cash Me Outside girl in April, if you want to tune into that. Who else do we have? We have King Charles and the Burger King mascots. We got a lot of great people coming up. Real time with Bill Maher.
Never get shot in the shoulder.
It does look limp. Something's goofy over there. But, okay.
You know, I haven't, but I'm a huge fan of the... I see the clips, you know. I have a black hooker here who's a huge fan. She's waiting in the green room, so I have to make this kind of quick. She charges about a bitcoin an hour, so I want to hurry it up. Plus, I'm actually a little high right now. A little. Who am I kidding? I'm higher than a Sherpa pussy. You don't know Sherpas?
That's right. Doge needs to get in control of your gel budget. I've had too much of this. It's okay.
That's right. Thanks for plugging that, by the way. I was hoping.
They're in a high altitude. They bring fat people's stuff up Mount Everest.
Your act is like women over 30. Not for me. But you got talent. You do have talent. I think you should keep going.
You dress well, but you're one unbuttoned from douchebag.
You might have saved that Mexican from earlier. He needed blood.
By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement. Don't you? TikTokers like to do a land acknowledgement before the show.
Well, he brought up the Indian people. You don't know about land acknowledgements?
Yeah, you say, you say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapaka people or whatever. And then, you know... You go, we, you know, this is their land that we stole and they are never getting it back. That's what you do. That's what TikTokers do.
Your show is almost over. My butt plug just fell out. I don't want to lose my goer.
Cam, were you named after those things that follow you around every store you're in? Who the fuck is Bill Maher, nigga? It's an old N-word. I don't want to say it again. I just scream it in my pillow at night. I don't want to say it on live TV again. I got in trouble.
I found that offensive.
The drums was a little much. It's wild. You got this place. I made a point and then they made it offensive.
Tune in to my next week. We have Oprah Winfrey and the Storage Wars cast. So check out my real-time show.
You would make a beautiful woman. Have you said that before to him?
If you want to go trans.
That's what the kids are doing, you know. They just play go fish with their genitalia now. That's the big thing. They're going to go...
I love it.
It's better off I'm saying it. A couple of weeks ago, and he said, I want you to meet Trump. He said, I'm going to take you to the White House. So now we're going to do that. And there will be lots of people on the left who will be like, how dare you talk to this man? I was like, fuck you. I'm not playing this game that you mean girls play. Where like, oh, you know what?
You can't sit at my lunch table because I'm just not talking to you. Not talking to you, you lost the election. Who the fuck do you think you have to talk to? It's one thing if you win it. Yeah, yeah. It's another thing if you lose it. You gotta start talking to people. You have to talk. And I see Gavin Newsom is doing this now. He's changed his tune. He's got a podcast.
And the first guest was Charlie Kirk.
And he mentioned me. He said, like, I take my... I'm... noticing what Bill does, talks to both sides, is left-leaning but not afraid to criticize the people on his team. We got to get more of this going. This has to become the center. This has to become a real center. Right now, it's a few lonely islands that need to become a bigger fucking sandbar.
My son's right there. I don't think I've ever said this before.
What about the Department of Education? Now, I don't know that much about it, but I've never read good things. Rahm Emanuel, who I agree with on almost everything, here was a quote. He said, a third of eighth graders can't read, and now he wants to close the department? And I thought, that's probably why they can't read. Or at least partly.
I mean, the numbers keep getting worse and worse and worse. And I don't know if the Department of Education is anything but... I mean, it doesn't really... I don't know what it does. Except take money. It's sort of a middleman. It doesn't, like, run classrooms or do stuff like that. I don't think it makes policy. So where are you on something like that?
I think that the Department of Education has to... Glenn, thoughts?
Adam.
I think it's fair, again. Harvard became over time a political advocacy organization for one party. When a university goes from being a university to becoming a university, Eine politische Aufmerksamkeitsorganisation verdient keinen Non-Profit-Status. Harvard sollte ein Ort sein, wo die Studierenden lernen können und das beste Forschungsprojekt erledigt wird.
Es sollte kein Ort sein, das pro-Terroristen-Organisationen auf der Kampus erlaubt, die nur bestimmte Art von Denken und Sprache auf der Kampus erlauben. Das ist eine politische Aufmerksamkeitsorganisation, nicht eine Universität. I don't think we're going to end up there where Harvard loses its tax-exempt status. I want Harvard to succeed. It's been very important to me over time.
But really, it got itself to a very bad place. And Alan Garber is a good president, but he's not managing... The mismanagement here... Tom, Thoughts?
Adam, what's your point? The future looks bright. My handshake is better than anything I ever signed, right here. You are a one-on-one?
In most of America they did that in schools. I don't. But I think in enough of them, in enough far left places, they did constantly have this idea in the minds of children that maybe you're not in the right body. I mean, the New England Journal of Medicine für das Abnehmen von einem Geburtstermin, glaube ich. Es war wie, du bist verabschiedet von Sex.
Ich glaube, das stimmt. Ich war verabschiedet von meinem Dick. Und wiederum, um Kindern zu sagen, dass es nicht immer muss und nicht immer ist.
die default setting but that's a different mentality than they put in the minds of kids and that's why this debate goes on and the fact that you think or a lot of people on the left think that even if you just have this debate it makes you a bigot you just have to roll over that was you asked about the Biden administration that was their position if you even question this you're some sort of a bigot and this is new science and it has to do with children and it's not going to look good in the future
Das war's für heute.
The woke woman thing at the end.
I mean, poor Jay was like he was not in on the private jokes between this cast who were in an emotional state after doing this groundbreaking show for 10 years or whatever it was. And now they had their finale, and then they had their party, and now they're on with Jay. And they were drunk.
Yeah. I mean, they were young and drunk, and it's funny. Drunk is funny.
Yeah. Of course, it can be sad, but we don't have to always just dwell on the sad. Dean Martin was funny. Yeah. And he wasn't even really drunk. A lot of the times he was really drunk. No, I don't think he was. I think that was a big myth. You think? Yes, I think that was an act. Dean was like he played golf and then he was in bed at nine. He was that guy. Maybe when he was younger. I don't know.
Frank was a big drinker.
Yeah, Frank and Ava shot up Palm Springs once and it was just like... Just under the rug. Well, I mean, people do things today. I mean, Kanye, come on. Well, he's not exactly... We know about it. I know, but he wasn't canceled for it. He said Hitler was, I love Hitler, and nobody pulled his Super Bowl ad like three days later. So it seems like you think cancel culture is needed.
I'm just saying some people get away with shit that other people don't. It's very uneven.
That's the audience cheering. Oh, yeah, that's the huge, yeah. What do you do if you have a guest who has no arms?
Good recipes?
Yeah, now I'm from a different generation and I got a shit ton of money. I got cooks and chefs. I don't need social media. I got assistants. I'm so glad that I'm that. Yeah, it sounds good. It's awesome. It is. And it just seems like a bunch of hatred and vitriol. And yes, of course, can you learn things?
I don't have enough time in the day to read and absorb the things I do want to read and absorb. I want to read the New York Times, even though it's not the paper I grew up with and it's crazy slanted. But I also want to read Andrew Sullivan and I want to read the Free Press and I'm a... I'd rather be in that world of smart people. I want to listen to your podcast and Sam Harris's podcast.
You know, smart, engaging conversation, mostly from people who are not ideologically captured. that's what I want to immerse myself in. I don't want to immerse myself in that world. And I'm just very bad at technology. It's not native to me because when I grew up, I'm 70, basically. You're 70?
Not really, but I'm saying that because it's next year and I can't... 69 is a funny bit in my special about that. When you're 69, it's just everybody just puts their...
Oh, then you just put it on.
elbow on your ribs like it's funny and it's just a terrible name number so because of the sexual position that's my bit is it because because of uh putting uh because you flip around and it's head to genitals everyone like talks about it as if anyone has ever done it or enjoyed it or can do it it's a multitasking thing that you can't do we've all tried i've tried it doesn't work
Could I get that? You want the boom mic? No, I'm kidding. I'm just fucking with you.
If someone, you can't go down on a girl while she's sucking your dick. I just can't think about, they're just too hard. Anyway, that's the point about that. So, yes.
Yes, the point is, I'm not native to a lot of this stuff. And the more I, I mean, how many books does Jonathan Haidt have to put out about it? How many times do I have to have guests who talk about how awful and vitriolic it is and what it's doing to young kids? Why would I jump into this pool? Right. No, that seems right. I mean, if there's one turd in the pool, bad enough.
This just seems like a pool of turds.
You definitely don't need the recipes.
What are we eating? Well, we're not eating carbs, not bread, not pasta, not rice. Wow. I mean, occasionally. I'm not a crazy person. But no, I wouldn't want to keep that around the house or have them. If someone's going to cook for me, they're going to cook good. I've said to her, look, I'll never get mad at you if I don't like it, if it's not an appealing dish.
I'll only get mad at you if it's not healthy. And do you worry about losing touch? Nope. Not at all. Really? Like what? Should I be going to Ralph's and that would elucidate me somehow? Maybe. Well, here's what I actually think. I do go to the supermarket once in a while.
But after an hour, doesn't your arm get tired of holding the mic? I shouldn't say that. I've been a stand-up committee in my whole life. All I do is stand on stage and hold the mic.
I do like to purposely see what's out there and see if there's food out there, especially, that I'm not aware of that they, you know, because... I don't know. Yes, you do have to do that. But I am not out of touch, no. Well, there's a lot of new kinds of Oreos. They're doing new flavors all the time. Yeah, Oreos I wouldn't eat. I already made that decision about Oreos decades ago. No Oreos.
That's too bad. Well, you know what? When you're 70, first of all, you're on a much shorter leash health-wise. You've got to be very – you can stay exactly and live exactly as you always did. It's funny. When I was your age, I would have never thought I'd be like this at 70.
I thought life would be completely different because that's how Americans present it, like you're completely decrepit and you're like one foot in the grave. And my father was – he would go out to the basketball court, the court, the driveway – and shoot one basket and be like, oh, and he was 53 or something. It just doesn't have to be that way. I found out when I got there.
Of course, I never got married, so that's a big difference. You become like something different as opposed to just always staying the same. You got to get out there. Why? Well, you just got to be out there.
Yes.
You do the best you can. That's all you can do.
Yeah, I do. So I'm sorry. You're okay. You got this. Go ahead. Ask me your hard-hitting questions. I'll stop interrupting.
Well, I'm gay 42. You have a youthful look about you.
I don't think that's a good attitude to go into. Probably not. No, I really don't. I agree. No. No. And by the way, AI is going to fix all this. Oh, I hope so. Totally. I mean, there is a chance that even me at 70, wink, wink, not quite, will not die. Like I say, because you could live to 100. In 30 years, I can't imagine AI, which is working exponentially.
What was that thing that Google just came up with that I just read this that- It figured out something that supercomputers before this would have taken something like 10 septillion million years or whatever it was, older than the time of the universe, to figure out what now it did in five minutes. Right, they had that new quantum computer that I find intimidating. That's what I'm talking about.
You won't say that when you're 69, first of all. Nice. And also... And also, he's not crazy, although he is a little crazy. And I said the same thing. I said, Brian, and he's a sweet guy. I like them a lot. I said, Brian, like, okay, so he's 46, but he's like, chronologically, he's 37. I said, so you go to bed at 8.30.
You never eat anything except like these fucking pebbles or whatever the fuck you're eating.
I eat pretty strictly, but I still enjoy eating and you can do that. And goes to bed at 8.30 and all this. I said, all this to shave nine years off. I said, you know, people think. I look a little younger than my age. So, like, I apparently shaved six or seven years off by smoking pot and not getting married and drinking too much when I was younger. So, like, what's the point?
You know what I'm saying? Let me say this in his defense. First of all, I'm glad he's my new best friend because this guy is working more than anybody else to find out where the cutting edge is on keeping us, uh, healthy. He gave me some of the stuff that he uses and sells and some of this, much of it. I've been doing my own self, uh, for quite a while.
That's funny. I just did a special on HBO and I did a whole thing about land acknowledgement. And I mean, it is just the epitome of, and I see that at the recent DNC meeting, they still did it. Like talk about not getting it after the election loss. Yeah, I thought you might not like a land acknowledgement. No, I mean, they still actually did it for real. Well, you know, teach your own. Yeah.
I don't think most people take glutathione, but I get it, and I had it, and he uses it. But he's going to tell me, he's going to hit me to everything I need to know that I can do, not in the levels that he does it. And also, listen to this. I said, you know, we're leaving, and I have my podcast where I party, and it's a different house. I wouldn't party in my own house, knowing me. What a life.
And I am in touch. And I said, you know, it's too bad, Brian. You know, I have parties here sometimes. The cameras are off and we just enjoy it. I had this for 20 years and I partied here before we made it into a podcast studio. It's too bad you go to bed at 8.30. It doesn't usually get going until 10 or 11. And he said, here's what I'll do. I'll go to bed. I'll get my REM sleep.
See, you need REM sleep and deep sleep. And then I'll wake up from my REM sleep. I'll come here for an hour and a half and party with you. And I'll go back and I'll get my deep sleep. And I thought, that's a guy who's willing to kind of bend a little. Sure. Yeah, yeah. To get up from your REM sleep, party with me, and go back to your deep sleep. And he's having a tea or something, I assume.
He's definitely not going to be drinking and smoking.
I said the same thing. You know you're all going to die. But in his defense, he talks about his amazing erections.
Yeah. Right. I know. I know. This got weird. I'm sorry.
That's a good question. That's funny. Are you serious about that?
Well, I'm not going to get very specific about this because this is like personal life stuff, and I like to keep that opaque. But, you know, look, if somebody is my age, and we remember what that is because it keeps coming up.
and they've never been married. And you've never been married. Right. It's either for one or two main reasons. Either they don't like girls.
or they like them a lot okay i'm just gonna keep it vague like that so let's talk about politics happy to happy to leave that vague uh we gotta we gotta we got a lot of 69 talk and there's nothing wrong with that why can't everybody you know it's so funny if if i came out as gay tomorrow the whole town here in hollywood would be like oh my god that's the greatest thing in the world because we all should just be who we are
I was born that way. Remember when that was? Yeah, this is how I was born. That's how I was drawn. This is what I want. I never wanted to get married. I never thought it worked. And what I mostly see is that when it does, even when it works, it works at what I consider a tremendous price. I mean, you said longevity. What did you say before?
So does sex. which is sometimes in confrontation with a healthy relationship, with a long-term relationship where the love is deep. It's very hard to keep that going with the sex part going. Not with that attitude. I mean, I wish that it was just attitude that could solve it, but every marriage in the world will tell you that it's not just attitude.
I mean, keep going down that road and, you know, see where it leads you. But, you know, it's just people are not politically savvy. I don't feel in America, but they have they know when you're full of shit. And it's like, you know, land acknowledgement, either give it back or shut the fuck up. Yeah, I think is what most people are thinking.
People like this. They like people. They're like politics schmolitics. Yeah. We're keeping it loose. We're keeping it loose. It's Bill. We don't have to like fucking always be. And we can go right to the politics. Because that's what I love about podcasting.
Look at all the cards you have there. Do we have to get through all those before I can go? No, I'll skip. Hey, don't worry. We'll skip through some. Because that's a lot of cards.
There's one later that just says trans. Your staff makes these for you?
How's that resolution holding up? Not that well. I also said I wouldn't pre-hate anything, which is true. I didn't pre-hate, but boy, does the hate come around quickly. I mean, has it been only a month? It's been one month. One month. One month. I mean, I didn't think it could, some of the things, and there are things that, other things, I made a list. Like, here's what I already hate.
Here's things I don't hate yet. I can, I mean, there are things that, like, the idea that Gaza could be Dubai instead of, you know, this hellhole that it's been. Other people have suggested that. By way of us taking it over? No way. You know, starting a new American empire. No. This insanity of of Zelensky is the dictator. Outrageous.
I mean, opposite day kind of shit with with the Western alliance. I mean, there's a whole it's just. Yeah. So that resolution is being battered already.
No, and Canada, that shit all came up, yeah, I think after the election was won. I don't think it was even strategic. I think you give Trump sometimes too much credit for, like, playing four-dimensional chess, and it's, no, he just happened to think of it then. I really, I don't think he planned, I'm going to spring this after the election.
It's, no, like the last guy he talked to said some shit about Canada, and he was like, let's take it over.
That is my biggest complaint about Trump is that he does not care about.
about how the american system works or even care to learn how it works that in his view it's just like they elected me i'm the leader i talk to other leaders i'm the leader everything else is sort of just background noise congress or whatever i mean some of these things he's done he has the congress he has a republican congress he could do it through congress no he just does it by executive order but there's always like you know a seed of truth in the other side
Yes, government should be slow. But, you know, the frog in the pot analogy that we use with global warming, which I still think is true, it's the slow. I'm not sure that that isn't also the case with a government that ever grows bigger. Nothing is ever canceled. The debt, I mean, we've been talking about it since Ross Perot.
At some point, and it seems like, well, you know, we keep talking about it, but nothing ever happens. I feel like at some point, just like with global warming, something catastrophic is going to happen. That it's the biggest thing now. And so, like, again, do I hate the idea of someone going through the government? I mean, Al Gore wanted to do it, and they didn't do it well.
More. Because it started in 93, and I think we're in 25. It started in 93? Yeah.
But, of course, the way he does it, first of all, just like you said, with a sledgehammer instead of a scalpel. You can picture where they could have done it. He could have just shut up for three months while he audited it and then come out with findings. That's not the way these people work. That's the bad part of them.
The instinct to do it, the instinct to like have Gaza not be what it always has been. And by the way, some of this kind of works because now you see that five different countries, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Egypt, they all said, okay, you know what? Trump's going to jump in and turn it into a golf course. Okay, we're working on a plan. Yeah, somebody has to have a plan for Gaza.
And the idea that in the past, these Arab countries that surround Palestine or the Syrian civil war and wouldn't take any refugees and just wouldn't seem to be wanting to get involved at all to the people who they claim are their brethren. Did a million Syrians really fit better in Germany than they would have in Saudi Arabia?
No, I don't think workers is the main problem. The main problem is, as the budget office put out, there's, they said, between $236 and $521 billion. Billion. Right. And what is the source of that? There's four drivers. Of fraud. Well, no, it's not fraud. Well, just stuff that, monies that's stolen, basically.
But that's the cost. Yeah, I didn't say this was the number one issue of our time, but do I think that $236 billion at the low end each year just going out the door to fraudsters and thieves is something we should live with and just accept? I don't.
So the instinct to do something about it... And again... It's all nullified when they do it horribly, which he did.
debate right like donald trump doesn't isn't interested or respectful nor nor does he need it anymore because he won and i mean in the past i mean he did have to like show up to debate he debated harris he uh he he debated joe biden um he debated tried to kill him with covid remember like three days later like yeah i had a positive text whoops it's like you tried to fucking kill joe biden
Again, I think you're giving him too much credit. I just think he didn't think about it. I think he wanted to run against Joe Biden anyway. He shouldn't have. He lost. And he won't admit that, which is my biggest problem with him.
Wow.
Well, I did it for the kids.
Yeah, I agree. The speech that Vance made to the Germans, not the part about the semi-Nazi party, but the part about free speech was very valid in my view. They have gone to places in Germany and in England now with free speech that I don't want to live in that country. I mean, did you see the 60 Minutes piece on Germany last week? I didn't. Really? Is 60 Minutes like too old hat for you?
I mean, some nights it did. Some nights it was just so ridiculous.
But... OK, let's get on to your sex life. OK, so but they did a piece and I found it chilling. Now, of course, Vance's thing about free speech is he has no grounding to stand on because Trump is suing 60 Minutes. 60 Minutes for the crime of editing sex. an interview. And he's suing an Iowa newspaper for putting out a poll he didn't like. You know how many presidents had lawsuits before him? None.
Presidents don't sue people. You don't have to. He's doing it. So they don't have a leg to stand on there. And as far as like canceling elections, I mean, that was the first I heard about Romania canceled the election. I'd have to do more research on that. But yeah, I don't think it's a great idea to cancel elections because But, of course, that's what they tried to do.
And he still has admitted he lost the one in 2020. Okay. But the idea that in Germany they can knock on your door because you insulted somebody. And they use the example of Pimmel. Yes, I said it. What did you say? Pimmel? Pimmel. Apparently it's the German word for calling somebody a dick. Oh. And you can get arrested for that or they'll take your phone.
And the UK also has arrested, I think, people for just insulting people.
basically or like islamophobia well you know one person's islamophobia is another person's just talking plainly and honestly about islam can i not do that if i have any critique of islam i saw you roll your eyes really there's no i didn't roll my eyes oh okay i'm more thinking i'm well just like we're not in we're not in germany we're here i know they have their problems famously
Right, but we don't care about other people's problems, and sometimes those problems don't come here, and we shouldn't comment on them.
The very first one.
Free speech is
Who was on?
But, hey, look, I'm not trying to be a pimmel. It's a fucking pimmel over here. But, I mean, that is chilling. That is very chilling. And it's funny because some of these places are, you know, Canada, New Zealand. They have a woke quotient that exceeded ours.
That's funny. What are you doing to me? That's hysterical. I don't remember. I remember Jerry, of course, such a great friend forever. Great guy, never changed. Absolutely. And he was at, you know, his show was doing great. So it was a great favor. And I don't remember the question. But we didn't ask questions. We presented topics on that old show.
I mean, it's like if you name so many – I can name so many issues where I will give you what the old school liberal, which is what I mostly align with, position was. Although even I can show you from back in the politically incorrect days, places where I – was with somebody who would think more conservatively on certain things. I was always hard to pin down, and that's the way I like it.
Everything is—I don't want to be captured ideologically, but mostly that's what I was. Let's take—we're talking about Israel. What has been the old-school liberal position forever on Israel? Two-state solution. Right. That is not the position of the woke. Their position is from the river to the sea. It's not the position of the far left. Excuse me. Right. From the river to the sea.
That's their position. That's what they're chanting on campus. That's the woke position. And it goes a lot further than just the kids on campus. That is not the two-state solution. That is, I don't know, the Jews moved to Greenland. I'm not sure what it is, and I don't think they think it through because they're living in this world, as many people have pointed out, of oppressor and oppressed.
They don't really think past that. The Jews in Israel, I mean, they talk about them like they have no standing in that country when actually they're the Indians. Okay, but they've been always, from 1947 on— Now, of course, you leave a deal on the table for 75 years, people do get a little tired of having the deal not taken.
But traditionally, Israel has tried to make that happen for a very long time. It accepted the idea of a partition and a two-state solution, and the other side never did. And somehow the woke found themselves. They do this all the time. They're so progressive that they do things that are Completely anti-progressive.
Yes, let's align with the people who give women no rights because we're the liberal people. Let's align with the river to the sea. So again, I'm where it always was, two-state solution. Other people have gone-
I agree, but that's not what we were talking about. But what I'm trying to understand is- To always bring in Trump. I'm not trying to bring in Trump. We're going to agree that we don't like Trump. I didn't vote for him. Asked and answered. Asked and answered. But my question is- But you're not addressing the question that you find more difficult to answer, which is what I put to you.
It's like the woke position, and it's, again, not just kids on campus. I could quote you things from like, do you know who PEN is? The organization P-E-N? They had to withdraw an invitation, right? That's the- It's a free speech organization that doesn't understand free speech. Same with the ACLU in some cases.
Every question I wrote that first season, I wrote them all myself word for word. Did we even have writers? I think we had a couple, but we had like, this is before the people look shit up on the internet. Like we had researchers who had to like go to the stacks or something. I don't know. It seems like it was from the middle ages.
is generally not a crazy person. If you're talking about crazies, I used to say the difference between the parties is that the Republicans have found a place for their crazies. Unfortunately, that place is elected government. And it's kind of true. Like there's no equivalent quite of Marjorie Taylor Greene on the left.
Although there are people like Elon Omar and AOC who I don't agree with on a lot of stuff and I think are crazy on a lot of stuff and say things that are real eye rolls. Fair enough. I don't agree with that. But I just don't. I'm not saying they're, I just said they're not as bad, but they are eye rolly. Absolutely. There are things you disagree with.
And I disagree with and also just, you know, I mean, it's one thing to have interest in another country. It's another thing to sort of be the Palestinian representative in the Congress as opposed to representing Michigan.
But she's in the American government.
I think it's true, but I also think it's their obligation to squawk back at those people and they don't do it enough to your point, which I think is correct about the mainstream democratic politician. Take something like defund the police.
The Republicans thought they could catch the Democrats on that and they put it up to a vote. I don't remember what the exact vote was or what the bill was. They didn't get any. I think they got one. Like the Democratic politician did not take the bait on defund the police.
And yet the public, if you just ask the man on the street, probably thinks that a lot of Democratic politicians did sign on to that. So that's a good example of something that that was put out there by, like you say, organizations and the fringe and college professors and people in the media. But did the Democratic congressman from your district sign on to that?
No, they did not, at least not in a bill. So but, you know, they'll put up a quote from Kamala Harris at the time in 2020 that makes it look that and people did go overboard in 2020. Yeah. Okay. So that's the problem is that the democratic politician did not make it clear to the voter. Yeah. We're not for defunding the police. We think that's stupid.
But we would just I would present a provocative, not saying things that I didn't believe or think should be discussed. I wasn't just doing it for the sake. And it would always end with, does anybody have a problem with that? And when we put out a book from the show, it was called, you know, the best of politically incorrect. Does anybody have a problem with that?
The police are important and they're especially important in neighborhoods with a lot of people of color who did not want to defund the police.
Are you saying they are or that's how they're portrayed?
In the New York Times, it's like assumed we are the good people. We are the good people who know the right answers to everything. And they are the people who are not good. Yes, that assumption and that attitude is something that very much fosters resentment. And I don't blame the people. Like I always say, you could hate Trump. You can't hate everybody who voted for him. It's half the country.
And that's a lot of the reason why they do.
Not at all.
Yeah, and don't take the bait. I mean, that's what a lot of Democrats are coming around to. I think I was talking about this on my show last Friday about, wasn't it... you know, people you've probably worked with and David Axelrod and somebody else like that said, um, on USA.
Oh, I know we had on a Congressman Tim Ryan and I, and I was, I was quoting Axelrod and somebody else who said, you know, on USA aid, uh, don't make, don't, that's not a hell I'm going to die on. I think that was exactly. And I just read a list of things to Congressman Ryan, who I think is going to run for governor of Ohio, uh, saying, tell me what else is a hill you will or won't die on.
That's what the Democrats, I think, should be talking about with each other. What are the hills we're going to die on and what are the hills we're not? And it was kind of interesting to hear his response to this list.
So pedophiles stand on the what was it? They should put a sign in their lawn, something to that effect. I mean, don't they kind of do that anyway now?
I made that point. I said, what's about leadership? What about saying the people aren't here and it's our duty to that as policy. That's what we're supposed to do is lead them to a place because the Republicans never shrink from leading people to a place where the people aren't. That never intimidates them. The people were for a public option. for a very long time with the health care debate.
And they were like, yeah, we had 20 points in the polls. We can flip that. So there is that argument. But you know what? Do you want to win another election? Is there even going to be another election? I mean, that was my original thing about Trump. When everyone was saying I was crazy, he said he's never going to concede in an election.
I just feel like that we probably have already crossed the Rubicon on this. I just don't see this crowd ever really giving up power because they really believe in their bones. And again, I could go through a lot of things that make me understand why they think that way, although I'm not with them, of course, on it. But they think that the left is so crazy.
and so dangerous, and some of their ideas are so aggressively anti-common sense, and they are, they think that it is their duty to preserve power, to just not ever let those people near the levers of power because it's just too crazy. Yeah, it's so dangerous. That is dangerous.
OK, well, we could argue about a lot of issues there, but I'm sorry. Joe Biden, I think, never stood up to the far, far fringe of his party. From day one, he was just like too feeble, too old. These people are too mean, too powerful. I don't want to even have the fight.
What's something he did? Like we are an outlier in the trans community. So let's talk about that. With other countries. I mean, the UK, the Nordic countries all pulled back on that as far as like puberty blockers and operations for kids under 18, letting kids, children self-diagnose, keeping it from parents. All this stuff has gone on and still goes on in America.
If it's something like that and you're a parent, which I am not... and I'm glad I'm not, that issue is a lot closer to home to you than Ukraine. Ukraine, I didn't even know where it was five years ago, and now I care more about that than this issue. That kind of stuff. I want to talk about the transition.
John, isn't it so fucking quaint that we lived in an era where that was the kind of problem as opposed to the things, the shit show that's going on now and the things that are so much more existential, shall we say? Not that it isn't an issue, but come on.
DEI, race. I mean, they put that in every department immediately, like day one. That was the most important thing. And now you see a lot of corporations pulling back from it. I mean, like everything does go too far. I mean, a university having 200 DEI officers, a university which is already one of the most liberal places in the world, you know.
And, you know, it's one of those jobs where you'd have to admit there was progress or else the answer is, well, maybe I shouldn't have this job anymore. And whoever does that. So let's talk about let's go.
Wait, say that again?
Joe Biden- Well, the democratic position in this state has been that you can, the kid can, the school has the right to hide it from the parents. That is something that is not going to go well with the average voter. And again, I'm not even a parent, and I get it, okay? I mean, I think the governor here used the word snitch. Now, if I'm wrong, I didn't say it. I think I read that.
Yes, and they feel that, and then they blame it on the thing that has been put in their mind way too much, that it may be because of you're in the wrong body, to put it probably wrongly, but we understand what that means, okay? Now, it could be that case. When Trump said there's only two sexes, again,
pendulum swinging way too far to stupidity okay obviously sex is more complicated than just two sexes there are people who absolutely you know are quote unquote in the wrong body but when you're a kid when even a teenager and you're that confused about everything and you have no idea and you're upset for many other reasons the idea that they put it let me just finish
I know. I can see you are ready. I can see you pulling back the bow. And the fact that they put this in their head too much, that's my thing. Should you tell a kid, look, there's a default setting for humans, male and female, but there are variations. That's absolutely true. Some people are attracted. People have their own sex. And some people are actually in the quote unquote wrong body.
And that does happen. But the amount that they Emphasize this. I compared it once on my show to entrapment. See, there you go. I said let me finish. I'm sorry.
I thought entrapment had a period at the end. Could I explain it though?
I don't think everybody does get it. Okay, explain it. Okay. Well, what is entrapment? Entrapment is when you suggest something to people. Mm-hmm. That they weren't ordinarily going to do. I use the example of after 9-11, the FBI got caught basically entrapping some people, which is what they went to people who were, excuse me, I'm not done.
You're right. That was rude.
Well, that's glib and stupid. Absolutely. 100% glib. Stupid and glib. It is. Yes. Because it's not true. Right. And you didn't even let me get through the thing. You're right. And now I got to go. You're just going to leave? We're in the middle of a debate. Yeah. No. Okay. I'll finish this. Entrapment. Like, okay. So they go to somebody. They go to a group of guys.
They did this in a group of poor black guys in Miami and were unhappy with America. And, you know, hey, wouldn't it be great if we blew up the Sears Tower in Chicago? Yeah. And these guys didn't even have a gun. And it's like, yeah, I hate America, or I got problems with America. That does sound kind of cool. And hey, well, we can get you the explosives. That's entrapment.
You put an idea in people's heads that wouldn't have been there otherwise. Do I think in most of America they did that in schools? I don't. But I think in enough of them, in enough far left places, they did constantly have this idea in the minds of children that maybe you're not in the right body. I mean, the New England Journal of Medicine
I advocated for taking sex off of a birth certificate, I believe. It was like you're assigned sex. Assigned. You're assigned. I think that's right. Well, I was assigned it by my dick, okay, when I was born. Yes, and again, to tell kids it doesn't always have to be and isn't always. the default setting, but that's a different mentality than they put in the minds of kids.
And that's why this debate goes on. And the fact that you think, or a lot of people on the left think that even if you just have this debate, it makes you a bigot. You just have to roll over. That was, you asked about the Biden administration. That was their position. If you even question this, you're some sort of a bigot. And this is new science and it has to do with children and
And it's not going to look good in the future, that position.
Now you can.
All right.
All right. I said my piece.
Just say your bullshit while I'm in the bathroom.
Unbelievable. I'm kidding.
Yeah, more than a few.
Can I finish?
There was many interesting moments. What sort of backhanded uncompliment is that?
Of course, that's awful, and I agree with all that, except the part about the studies. There was a very big story this year. It was in the front page of the New York Times. A woman, I forget her name, and she had done, like, it was a 10-year study, did not release it on purpose because she said it would weaponize the argument from the other side.
So in other words, it came out not the way you wanted the study to come out. Not what you said, that it's, oh, all the studies show that... No, it is a mixed bag. That's true. Some people, yes, it's the right thing. But to take that risk at that age before you know shit about anything, yes, sometimes it's pretty obvious that this should, it's a very hard call to make.
And again, this was a very long study, very thorough, and they wouldn't release it because it came out with the wrong conclusion.
You just said parents can get shut out.
No one thinks that. Apparently that's not true. People do think that. And there is no perfect answer to this. It's, as many naughty questions, the least bad answer.
You want to lose every election. Just keep coming down on the side of parents coming in second in a who gets to decide what goes on with my kid contest.
Can I take this one home as a souvenir? I'm going to put it in my scrapbook.
Boy. Like they, they don't even see, couldn't they have started? It says, um, I guess this week it's tough. And I was blown a contract and said, I mean, Bill Maher, Bill, couldn't they have started this on the next card? Don't you think that word bill should have been started on the next card? No, I'm not trying to get anybody in trouble.
That's it. You're just leaving. Yeah.
Thank you.
Not really, but okay. Okay, fine. I don't care.
I always described it as a designed train wreck. That's why it was funny. And as you say, sometimes there was great enlightenment from that. The idea was everyone in America votes. We all get to vote, whether we're Harvard educated, although few people are that stupid, or
or uh you know the lowliest uh mechanic who's only finished eighth grade or something we all get to vote we don't all know the same thing or come from the same background but this is a democracy and let's pair the least likely people to ever be in the same room together at the same cocktail party and have them talk and Yeah.
What was great about that show was that when it was good, like you said, there were moments that were really good. But even when it was bad, it was like the bad was kind of good. It's uncomfortable. It's interesting. Right.
Yeah. And I mean, some nights it was so awful. It was like you had to you reveled in the awfulness.
No, I'm just the... I mean, I love Sarah, and she's still a friend. But, I mean, it's just funny to hear these names from the past. And I don't remember her on that show. I remember her on Real Time, but... She was on.
She must have been really young.
I think that was real time. I don't think that was.
Well, can I give you a little of the history? Sarah made a joke. You know, look, it was a different era. I think she has since mea culpa about that.
uh she's gone back on a lot of stuff you know she she says she she went more toward like oh no i shouldn't have said that as opposed to some comics who were like we've gotten too sensitive that would be me right yeah clearly uh yeah no i get that yeah and we have right and i'm right about that okay okay that's easy but you know all right but you know she everybody has their truth uh
I'm just saying. She thought about it and evolved on it. Even if we wouldn't do it today, do we have to go back and dig up the past and yell at ourselves? Here's the thing. Whatever it was back then, most people were okay with it. It wasn't mean-spirited. She got in trouble also once for a sketch she did, which was an anti-racist sketch. Mm-hmm.
Okay, but we sort of glossed over nuance at a certain point. And so, you know, I don't know if it was necessary to be like, I'm history's greatest monster because I did this. No, I thought I was doing the right thing. And at the time, usually nobody else said anything. So it was obvious that's where the country was. Anyway, she did a joke with some sort of Asian reference.
I don't remember what it was. And the person from the...
Right. Correct. Uh, he objected. And so I guess I had them on to hash it out.
Golden Girls?
I want to talk about this specific episode. I'm glad we're agreeing.
It's awesome. It doesn't suck.
It's a very different world. We do on my show. I love doing that. And you're right, most shows don't do that. You don't see much debate on cable news. CNN has a panel But that guy who I, what did I call him? Lonely Scott? Lonely Scott, what is his name? Anyway. Lonely Scott Jennings? Yes, yes. Scott Jennings?
It's like six people, and then after they all do whatever they're going to say, and usually I agree with those people, then Lonely Scott gets to talk. But I do like having an actual debate. I mean, this idea that they have some people that you shouldn't platform
You know, I mean, I've lost fans, certainly, and even like people who were friends, kind of, because they were so mad at me that I had on real time people like Ted Cruz and Bill Barr. Okay, he was the attorney general. You know, I'm not going to talk to this man.
conservative voices on to challenge them uh uh because we want to be at the center of that kind of a debate challenged and maybe and of course be challenged and of course be challenged but the reason i'm not one of them you know they think the the far left thinks i am i i'm i i put out a book and a stand-up special in the last six months both to make the point and in great detail you've changed not me
It's not Carrot Top with Bob Dole.
That's always what was so, I mean, you said Seinfeld basically had the same reaction. Like, what am I doing here? Yeah, but, you know, when you drag people out of their comfort zone, it does produce a kind of real television that, unfortunately, yeah, you don't get a lot. And, of course, you know, it's not everybody's cup of tea.
Peter Lawford.
I just don't think they thought it was that awful. And by the way, it's happened since then. I don't know if you remember the Cheers finale. I'm not sure what year that would be. Cheers. I remember that when they were all just blitzed. Blitzed to the gills. Yeah, it was good stuff. This is Leno hosting. And they were just falling all over each other on the couch, drooling and laughing and
For compassion's sake, get them off the street. That's not the woke version. Their version is they're an endangered species. Don't touch them in their natural habitat living under a bridge. Let them defecate. Let them do whatever they want. It's their thing. And, you know, I mean, there should be nothing more basic than a government claiming the streets. The streets are for the citizens.
Build a barracks. I mean, why are these things? Maybe you can answer that. Why are these kind of things so difficult that you think it's such common sense? Build a barracks. I know homeless people say they don't want to live there. You don't have a choice. Oh, we'll get robbed there. Higher security, it's pennies on the dollar. Why is it so difficult?
I feel like I, with no real knowledge of this field, could do it. If I had people who would carry out my, I would say, okay, get me specs. I want to see where a place we could build it. I want to see what the barracks looks like. I want to see who works there. Is it really in the toilets? Whatever.
And somebody must be, Mitt Romney, somebody who did the Olympics, somebody who could come in and just... We know how to clean up the streets.
Right, like when they get the whores off the street when the mayor is, like, doing one of those cleanup... Or like when the MLB All-Star Game goes to Seattle, all of a sudden it's America's cleanest city. Right, right. So you're saying if we can do it that one day.
That's another reason. Another one we can add to the list of woke is not liberal.
Also, when you get to, we're going to send homegrown American citizens to foreign prisons.
Homegrown.
It's worse if he does or would. It's still horrible that an American president would say that. Look me in the eye and tell me if Obama had said that, what your reaction would be. Wouldn't like it. Wouldn't like it. I think it would be a little more vitriolic than that. We would be upset. Apoplectic. Okay.
I'm finding out how honest you are, Charlie, and so far I think you're doing good, and I hope I'm doing good with you.
The guy who they're trying, who they said, the MS-13 member. Well, there's no evidence that he's, they don't, they did not present evidence. I mean, I don't really want to get into the weeds on this one because I got to do it on my show Friday, but, and, but, The Supreme Court, I guess we have to get into the weeds.
None. OK. I mean, but I hope that if it comes to light, let me button it up this way. I hope that if it does come to light, that there really is no evidence that this guy was a gang member, that he got swept up, which is very understandable, that when you do a sweep, when you're doing big things, yes, nothing is going to go perfect.
But if it does come to light, I would hope that some Republicans... have the spine to say, yeah, that's not right. This guy should not be there. I mean, the Bill of Rights, it's pretty clear that you can't just disappear people without any sort of trial. Well, but sorry to interrupt. And deportation is not the same thing as sending someone to a prison.
Yeah, okay. I mean, you know, you're bending all these words. And he's not an American citizen. We've got to acknowledge that.
We're talking about Garcia. Garcia, yes.
I thought he was waiting for asylum. You could be illegal waiting for asylum. I see. Okay, so they could deport him. That's right. Yes. But we never did it to a prison.
I'm just saying just because it's old – But that's when you use more than three times.
Yeah, you can make that. Or Trende Aragua. Well, I mean, because terrorism really is a political movement. It means terrorizing the civilian population to achieve a political goal. These guys just want to grab your locket. You know, this is... It's a little more than that. A lot more than that.
Look, I've said that all this stuff I don't like about Trump, I did it in my piece the other week when I was talking about the meeting at the White House. No, he was tweeting about me. I've never liked anything. No, check the tape. There are things I like. And one thing I liked was that the police have their morale back maybe now. And...
You know, when you live in a city, it's not a good thing when the police lose their morale because they feel like they've been painted with a broad brush, which they were. After 2020, you know, and they're like, OK, you know, and I've been very critical of the cops when I think they did bad things. But do I think that it's a racist, you know, attack squad? It's not. There's issues.
There's always issues in everything. And, you know, when you insult the cops, they have a way of kind of brooding about it. And it's just not a good place to be when you're a city dweller. And so, you know, I don't want to be killed by a gang member because they do random killings, you know, just as gang initiation so they can get the tear drop under their eye.
Okay, I don't want to be someone's teardrop tattoo, you know, rando out to dinner. So I get it. You know, I mean, these are the things that lost the Democrats to the election. 100%.
So you're 31. What's your background? I'm going to have to like Larry King this. You know, Larry King used to just famously, and I love Larry. I did a show a billion times.
Yeah. I never met him. And his thing was like, I don't prepare. I'm like the regular guy who just wants to know. He's curious about this person, so I don't know. So I ask the questions that this person would ask. You, Charlie Kirk, you're 31 years old. You're Jewish, right? No.
Two kids, yeah. Two kids already? Yeah. Well, we got to work. Now, Charlie, it shouldn't be work. That's all I'm going to say. I'm kidding. I know. It's an enjoyable work day. Okay. We got to the fun, I should say. And you're going to have more? God willing, yeah. God willing. Right. Right, and you know we don't see eye to eye on the religion thing. You know, someone told me that.
I got to tell you, you should see my movie, Religion.
Well, I mean, yeah. And it's funny because the director of Religious, Larry Charles, and I had dinner about a year ago and I suggested and of course it went nowhere because we're both too old to like really act on it. But I said, people keep asking me and I'm sure him also to do Religious too.
But they when they say it, they think we're going to oh, now we're going to go to India and make fun of the Hindus. I'm like, I'm not doing that. OK, I'm not going to India. And the Hindus aren't that funny. Okay, we did it. The movie did great, and we love that it stands the test of time, and people always keep coming up to me and seeing it. Movies are amazing that way.
And then that's what I was suggested. And I said, yeah, but then you're going to have to do the right side of it, too, because that's also a religion, Christian nationalism. I mean, come on, your boys, some of the people I think you're fond of, they mix religion and politics in a way that I think is not according to the Constitution.
But I have to tell you, I'll give you a lot of credit, I saw a video of yours where you were talking about, how Christy the original documents were, which is, you know, I mean, my view is that the founding fathers, we know a number of them were deists. Mostly that was their religion. But you did, and boy, you have your facts down. I mean, you can spiel when you get on a subject like this.
I got the shtick down. You really do. And I trust you. You know, I'm going by what you... But, you know, that... They were a little Christier than I thought, you know, and I'm always happy to learn new information.
And if it doesn't satisfy people that I don't stay exactly where I am, it satisfies the people who are actually my fans who always want me to do that, to be like, oh, if I take in new information. I mean, that's why, you know, the far left hates me because I went to the White House and said, well, privately, Trump's different. And good for you for saying that.
Yeah, and I didn't give an inch on anything I believe. I confronted him on things that I think, you know, he probably maybe never hears from anybody else. But that's not good enough for them because, you know, they had to. But no, if you take in new information, just tell me. And so I do think after listening to your spiel that, yes, they were a little more into Jesus than
Then I thought, I mean, I know Jefferson wrote that Bible and took all the miracles out. He took all the religiosity out of it and just made him a moral philosopher. Now, you have to admit, that's not exactly the act of a Christy person.
Well, Jesus, as a philosopher, was a true revolutionary. I mean, when he said the meek shall inherit the earth, I think the response was... Blessed are the peacemakers, right? Yeah, but the idea that it gets good in the next life was fairly, I think, revolutionary. And the fact that, you know, if you're a good person in this life, there's a much greater... This is just the pregame.
You want the after party. And the after party is just going to be awesome. You're up there with me and my dad, God, and it's just, you know...
So you don't think any people are like born, quote unquote, in the wrong body? No, I don't. No?
That's a great question because it certainly can turn people either way. It can make you fly planes into a building. I'm not speaking of any specific example. I can't think of anything. I can't either. But it can make you do that. You'll admit that. Sure.
Yes. And it can also— I fully acknowledge. And I fully acknowledge that it also keeps millions of people in line. Like Mark Wahlberg. I'm guessing without Catholicism, he just looks like a guy who would be in a lot more trouble. But I think it just has made his life, you know, much more under control. So there's one. Mark Wahlberg, I think, really benefits from Catholicism.
But I think there's lots of people like that. They truly are worried that if they do something out of line, illegal or immoral, that the devil will, in short order after they die, be poking them in the ass with a pitchfork. And so they don't do that. And I got to give it up. That is a positive. But then the planes and the buildings thing.
Charlie Kirk here.
Well, thank you.
You know what? It creeps up a little, but people always are going to want it. People always are going to want to believe a story. It's much better than the truth, which is that things are random. We don't know the big questions. We don't know how we got here. We don't know why we're here. We don't know how the universe started. We're alone in the universe. Is there a God?
What is the nature of God? Which one is the right God? We just don't. Nobody knows. I mean, that's why they call it faith. Do you hope you're wrong? That's the most important question. That's a great question. Well, how... Do you hope there's a heaven? I hope they figure out how I can live forever. I like it here with you, Charlie, drinking this and smoking pot. I'm having a great time.
I really can't imagine it better. I mean, I can't. And maybe it is. I'm sure it is. I'm sure, you know, people have.
Us? Well, our game.
Stalin, Mao. I know, but I'm just saying Hitler comes up a lot.
Yes, I do. But I mean, it's very hard to find that justice on earth.
Is there someone with you? No. Thanks for having me. You're not expecting trouble, are you? Not quite. Any trouble with security? Unfortunately. You do? Yeah. Wow. Like what kind? You know, security. Like bodyguards? Yeah. You know, when I went to Europe in 2015, I had like three, I had two Israeli bodyguards and my security person. It was right after one of the Islamic unfortunate incidents.
And that's the Christian argument. And some of it is, you know, we obviously can see it comes from no bad deed done. You know, children with cancer. Of course. And then they say, well, that's, you know, God works in mysterious ways, which is sort of a get out of jail card argument. It's the hardest. For any kind of non-thinking.
We don't. have to explain it either because it's not explainable, because we don't know. We say we don't know. That's honest. You say, no, somebody told a story a long time ago, and we're going to stick with that.
That to me, I'm not trying to be insulting. You can't offend me, trust me. I mean that. So you could be as crude or as blunt. I mean that. But I find that. intellectually embarrassing. That's fine.
Hebdo certainly was the year before. If I'm recalling, yes.
Yes, and I've been very... You've been extraordinary on that. Thank you. Extraordinary to you, but we were like very, and like I pictured this, I never toured Europe before as a comic, you know, and there are places you can when they speak English. It was fun, but also I did a vacation. I took my girl I was with at the time. I pictured this bucolic, beautiful European springtime.
There are shards of it that are, I'm sure.
Well, that we don't know. That is not a definitive. It really is not. And I'll tell you why. And I'm sure you know this. The Gospels are written from... 70 AD to 120 AD.
No, they're from 40 to 70 years after Jesus. The earliest one is Mark, and that's the one, 70 AD. It's the destruction of the temple. That's why it's the bleakest one. It's the one that ends with, Father, why have thou forsaken me? Okay, so we see that history does... involve itself in what's going on. You kind of have to read between the lines. But here's the question I've asked before here.
How come the gospels, we know everything in the New Testament is either the gospels or St. Paul. Or the book of Acts, which is written by Luke. Yeah. Right, okay.
Okay. Go ahead, yeah. But Paul lives in the 50s. He's much closer to Jesus' time. And he knows much less about Jesus. He really doesn't even imagine him as a figure that lived on earth. He's more like a God from heaven. What do you mean by that? I mean, that's in St. Paul. No, he talks about the literal ministry of Christ. He does.
He certainly doesn't, okay, you'd have to show me that because my recollection, and this is from a course in college, is that he was not, that we know very little from St. Paul about Jesus, and he understands Jesus very well, whereas the Gospels written later, they have a lot of information about this guy. And of course, they also penciled in the crucifixion like 300 years later.
I mean, the Bible was edited. And the Bible itself is an anthology of books. There's the Dead Sea Scrolls. There were books that didn't make it into the final cut.
Of course, it was wedged between the two giant Israeli bodyguards the whole way. If you want security, the Israelis know what they're doing. Exactly. Exactly. So it was not the vacation I planned. But, well, I'm sorry that you have to do that, but that's the price of fame. And, boy, you're, I mean, man, you're everywhere. You're like the new Ed Boyer podcast.
Excuse me. Herodotus was Greek. Herodotus was 500 years earlier.
How do we know the apostles were real?
We know that Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John of the Gospels are not the same people who were his apostles, right?
Luke was a physician.
We do?
Peter, the guy who upon my rock you shall build my church?
You didn't have to fake it. I mean, you do realize that there were religions going around the Mediterranean for a thousand years. where the gods had the same biography or significant parts of the biography of Jesus. It's in religious. We put them all. Gods who were born on December 25th, and I could go into the reason for that. Gods who had disciples. Gods who were crucified on some sort of tree.
That had virgin births. Had virgin births.
Okay, but no, these were all sorts of religions around the Mediterranean, not just the Judeo-Christian. These are the Persian religions. This was Indian, and that's a very common part of it, is died and came back to life. Obviously something primitive man would have thought about all over the world.
The fact that they put this into this new religion, which is something that the people of the time would have been familiar with, these concepts. Again, that's why they made his birthday December 25th, because that was already a huge pagan holiday.
Oh, they really do.
Oh, yes. I mean, and they just the way within a religion, they hate their own apostates more. I would say they hate me more because I'm supposed to get on the short bus to crazy town with them. And I won't. And yet I'm still a liberal and still like, you know, I mean, we probably could argue all day about Donald Trump and what he's doing, which I'm not down with.
You know, you're saying to me, is there never a case of human delusion or mass delusion? There are suicide cults, of course. I acknowledge that. I'm going to answer your question. Do you remember the Hale... Comet cult, Heaven's Gate cult. No, I mean, I know Jonestown cult. That's different.
This was like 1997, and they believed, there was this bunch of people in San Diego, and they believed that when the Hale-Bopp comet passed at a certain place, that the spaceship passed. was going to pick them up, but they're souls. They had to be dead. And they committed mass suicide neatly.
They were living normal lives, going to jobs, saying, I'm sorry, you're going to have to change gates for your flight. And then they went home and put on purple shrouds and Nikes. That I do know of, yes. And mass suicide killed themselves. And you're asking me about could humans believe something that wasn't true? Yes, they could. It doesn't take a hell of a lot.
People want to believe, and it's a very enticing thought, that this life, which possibly isn't that good, Great. If I just give up this one, which is not that much, I can get this awesome one. The capacity, the human capacity to believe what's not true, to believe what you want to believe, is infinite.
I mean, you are literally the person I'm talking about at the very beginning of the movie, Religious, because the very first scene, I'm sitting in the car and I'm saying, the movie is not a spiritual quest. I mean, that's what we told them so they'd sign the release.
The movie is me saying, I don't know how it could be that so many intelligent people can wall off a part of their mind and believe in something that part of their mind must know is not true. That's the question I'm going for in religion. And like you're obviously a super smart guy. Well, and respectfully, you go. And again, I don't want to insult you on that. I appreciate you saying that.
No, I mean, Bill, have you seen me go to college campuses? There's nothing that can fade. Right, but you understand my question, right?
You cannot believe an emergent birth?
You're saying because I don't know the answer, I'm going to assume the answer must be that a divine intervention did it. That's not really a scientific way of looking at it.
You're saying some prime mover made it so these things happen. I would say if a prime mover could do that, skip all the suffering, and why don't you just get us to where we're the perfect thing, why you need things, I don't know, but OK, the perfect being right away.
But it's always the people who are closest who think, oh, gosh. You shouldn't have. You're a traitor somehow.
We're somehow on this journey to being, you know, completely immortal and healthy, I guess, and completely moral and don't each other up and don't have sex with children and all the bad things we do. All the evil of our world. Yeah, all the evil and the Holocaust. And why go through all that if you are a prime mover?
I assume that means you can do anything and just get us right to the end and then we can just... What? Why? Just a bunch of us walking around being perfect? I mean, why is that interesting to a god? You know, the whole thing just don't make sense.
Do you agree with that? Yeah, but that's not the beginning of things. That's just the beginning of what the known universe is. The big question is, what was before that? And we believe it's a being, a God, that's always, that's a constant. And look, I mean, you know, the mis... nomer about atheism is that we say, oh, there's no God. No, we just say we don't know.
As Richard Dawkins always says, there's theism, which is belief in gods, and they used to believe in many, and then it got to one, and we just believe in one less. So there's just not... How would you differentiate that from agnosticism?
No, I think a lot of atheists think that. A lot of people on my team with this, they have that view that, you know, don't split hairs with the atheists and the agnostics. It's like we're on some part of, I don't know, and I'll never know, so I really don't think about it a lot. I don't get up for church. I try to be a good person because I just think intrinsically it's good for society.
I want you to know we are lucky to have Charlie Kirk.
It's good for me. To be a good person as much as I can. And I don't need the threat of the pitchfork in me to do it.
I am one of them. They're not one of me.
That's a great question. I mean, isn't that what government is always wrestling with? What makes society good?
I have a problem with eight of the ten, because only two of them are laws. You've got a problem with eight of the ten? Two of them are laws. Only two. What do you mean? Don't kill. And don't steal. Okay. And don't steal. Sure. Like... I mean, this idea that God is this.
Like the first four are just jealous God. It's just like, you know what? No, honoring your parents is not jealous God stuff. God's like a pimp who's in the next room and he's like, who are you on the phone with there, girl? You know, I mean, I guess I'm testing them.
Well, I feel like there's... Liberal and woke are two completely different things. It was a theme of my last stand-up special that I just did a few months ago. And it's basically... I mean, it wasn't the whole special, of course, but it was a large part of it devoted to that, to proving that case, that, you know... What liberals believe, woke is something completely different.
You don't mean like honoring the Sabbath? Oh, a week is even better.
But why would you need a religion to get to that? Why would you need a religion to, hey, let's not kill each other and take a day off? Again, I don't need a threat or a carrot for that. It's just so intrinsic. It sort of reminds me of the beginning of the Deccan. Declaration of Independence.
Well, no. I did a monologue in Religious. They might have Confucianism underlying it. I did a monologue in Religious about that very subject, which is the people who say, oh, Bill, these atheistic societies like North Korea. And no, no. Those kind of societies, they just replaced the leader of the country for a god. They are not atheistic.
When you look at what the North Korean people believe about Kim Jong-un. It's a deification. It's a deification. I completely agree. When he was born, winter turned to spring. He'll be immortal in the heavens. The first time he played golf, he got 11 holes in one. He invented the hamburger.
It is. It really is. I'm not making this up, but they believe that. So don't tell me North Korea is atheistic. They're not atheistic.
As there was in Syria. Sure. And most of the Islamic countries that, you know, I mean, we hear a lot about.
I'm not kidding. So not loving your neighbor and not like, you know, helping them. No, no. There's a lot of good stuff there. Okay, but again.
Well, that's a charitable way of looking at it, and that's in there. There's a lot of things in there because it's a giant anthology over centuries of many different writers.
Song of Solomon. Of course, we sold the Nash.
I know. It is? Yeah. Quote it.
It's very often the opposite of it. You know, liberalism is let's live in a colorblind society. That's the goal. Woke's goal is we see race everywhere.
I agree with the first part of that. Humanity will seek to find.
Well, seek to find something that mollifies their feelings. That's different than knowing. No, they don't really care about knowing. They care about mollifying their feelings. I feel empty. What will make me feel better? This book that purports to have answers, it couldn't possibly have.
But it does make me feel better because now I don't have to wonder about things that are very problematic to worry about, like how did I get here and what does it all mean and why do kids get cancer when they're two for no reason?
I know. I'm just saying. And I acknowledge that. But this book has the answers to that question. Don't ask, okay? Don't ask, A, and B, God works in mysterious ways, and that's the end of it. Go to your room.
I don't got it for you. We don't have it. And we don't claim to have it. But that's a big problem, though.
Yes. Okay. So that's not... Liberal, you change. Liberal is they're a two-state solution. Woke is river to the sea, okay? So just don't take my word and say you're that. You took this and took it to you got off the F train, you fell asleep, and you got off the 20 stops too far, and don't blame me for that.
You know who Eugene O'Neill is? No? Eugene O'Neill? No. Oh, wow. Kids today. A giant of American literature, theater, A Long Day's Journey Into Night. Have you heard of that play? Never heard of A Long Day's Journey Into Night? You kids, what are they doing with you in school? I never went to college, Bill. This is the problem. Okay.
Anyway, he once said, I find a life with illusions unpardonable and a life without illusions unbearable. And that's the essence of where we are. You choose the second. I choose the first. I find a life with illusions unpardonable. I just can't do it. Okay? And you find a life without illusions unbearable. And...
The fact that we can, I think, come to this moment where we go, okay, that's you, type A. I'm type B. And still be friends. To me, this is the future of where this country has to go. And nothing you have said has offended me in this light. And I appreciate that. Because, again, that was my question in Religious. How can otherwise really super smart people... But this is the answer. Like, and...
How would you define it?
Okay, but was he like getting, did he jump in the car with you at the drive-thru? No, but... Okay. You said a religious experience. I have to ask how much that is.
Fifth grade? Really?
To their credit. No, but you said you were in a Christian school. Okay, you're 10. You're in a Christian school. There's no connection of like maybe at a very early age they put a chip in your brain?
Didn't stick. I had the opposite reaction to catechism, which was the religious training we would go to on Sunday morning where you would learn how to be a good Catholic. And it just really turned me off. Was it too forceful, too legalistic, like all of it? It was just a giant, I mean, I was used to a room with 20 kids in it at regular school.
And then on Sunday, there's like 60 kids and they're from different schools. And they're just like, and the nuns were like mean because you got 60 kids and you don't really know you have to like, and of course they're mean to begin with, to like get them in order. And they scared you and they yelled at you and they hit you with a ruler on the knuckles.
I really, I'm from that era where they still like,
It just wasn't a way to get me into the tent. You know what I mean? So I don't know. You know, maybe on my deathbed. The Catholic will come back because I've heard people say like once they drill that in to your mind, I mean, to this day, if I walk into a church and I have no reason to, but we did for religious, there is a certain weird feeling.
I mean, you can't be that young and that malleable in the mind and not have some things just resonate forever. What do you feel? fear. I just feel fear. When I walked into the church that I went to as a kid to film that scene in Religious with my mother and ask her why she never told me until I was 13 that she was Jewish, and that's why she wasn't going to church with us.
Yeah, I felt fear because it just comes back to you. Like when I was sitting in those pews, like that's what I felt was fear. Like either the nuns or the priest or my father, somebody was going to be mad at me for something. because that's how Catholicism is. I mean, that's the, again, the idea that you keep people in line. It's by fear. That's why you're keeping people in line.
And that's a question an atheist really, I think, is due to ask a religious person. Do you really think fear is the best way for us to grow and become good people? Because if that's how we're doing it, I do have a problem with the methodology, even if I believed in the religion.
I'm sorry. No, you're right. I didn't mean to, you know, did I do an exorcism or something? Trust me, we have a whole highlight reel of spit takes. It's the highlight of any show. If the guest doesn't make me do a spit take, we consider this a failure. But you did, so go on. But yes, Catholics, yes, that's exactly who you would hear that from.
You believe in the garden? You believe in the Old Testament? Oh, yeah. I'm one of those Christians. Like 6,000 years old thing? Not necessarily. Because in religious, I went to see the museum that they have. Oh, yeah, Ken Ham's deal. Ken Ham, yes, and we interviewed Ken. He was not happy.
We were there for a whole day.
No, no, it was. That's impressive. And Jesus riding the dinosaur. Yeah, I don't know about that. Jesus riding the dinosaur. Do I really need to elaborate, people?
I got to say, it's really picking up the check for the whole table. You know, I mean, you got to you got to give it to your boy for like all of our sins. It's a very generous.
But how do you think this view of life reflects your politics? And how much should it? And how much does it? Look at me, big pothead, just turned into a real interviewer. I love it. It's a Larry King.
Mine come from Playboy after dark.
The book of Deuteronomy? Well, there's some good stuff in there.
Yeah, also like no poking in the wrong hole. You're going to have to ask a rabbinic Jew about that. Well, I think it's Deuteronomy. That's Leviticus. Do not lie with another man. Right. Yeah, that's Leviticus 19. No, and that is wrong. Thou shall not lie with another man. Do not lie to another man. Because if you lie to a gay man, ooh, you are going to pay for it.
But lie with another man, that should be everybody's right, don't you think?
No, we need to get a little deeper into this because it's so important just to understand that
Well, let me ask you what you believe. I believe that some people, a decided minority, maybe one out of 20, probably, for whatever reason that nature, this perfect nature that you described as perfect. Well, it was designed perfect.
Right, okay. If they hadn't eaten the apple.
Vero could have been a mango. Well, you know.
Okay. As they say in West Hollywood, there's nothing like having a mango in your mouth. It's George Costanza's favorite fruit, but yes. But, oh, damn, man, what was the point of this?
Yes, homosexuality. As we're keeping it on the lighter topics. Thank you. So about 1 out of 20 people, maybe even 1 out of 10, I don't know. And then people will say there's a spectrum. Maybe there's a 2. Of course, there is. Some people are like, you know, what the kids call zesty. you know, not gay, but kind of on the waiting list. Okay.
But let's say just gay, like people who are just not attracted to the opposite sex. They're attracted and want to have sex with people of their own sex. Would you agree that that happens in nature?
And we are in the animal kingdom. In fact, we're number one with a bullet. OK, so given that we both agree that that's a phenomenon that exists.
But what's immoral about I don't understand why the a** in itself, ipso facto, is immoral. It's just an a**. And the fact that some people want to f**k in there, I've done a million jokes about it. I don't get that. I mean, it's where the a** comes out. I just don't get it. If even I was gay, I'd find another way. But that's just me. But they do want to do it.
Why is there a moral dimension to this?
Okay, because the Bible says it. Yeah, I do. You're correct. But you do know, like, the, you know, argument from people like me, that kind of logical argument is that, well, these books were really not written by a God. They were written by men, and it reflected... Well, of course they were transcribed by men, obviously.
It reflected the primitive views of people in that era who would, of course, have had primitive views. They also didn't understand germs or atoms anymore. So their views on this were primitive, and they believed that there was something wrong with that, that I get it, that it was different than most of the people in the tribe, that these two guys are going off and doing it.
But that we can, as sentient beings now, logical, intellectual beings, recognize that this was from a long time ago, and now it's just something that happens in nature, that some people want to this way and some people want it this way. And there's no moral dimension to it and no reason to just call it a sin.
I think the phrase you're searching for is save your breath. This is what we believe, and I get it. It's doctrine. So, wait, coveting? Now, coveting is one you can't control.
Oh, stop it. You can control coveting. It's like saying you can control, if I say don't ever think of a pink elephant, you will think of a pink elephant.
No, oh, no, no. That's coveting? I thought coveting was just wanting something you don't have. Of course, you can't regulate every thought that you have.
Drink? No, I'm good. Thank you. You don't drink? No. Or smoke pot? and you're married and super Christian. We're going to get along great.
I don't think that's good.
They're already there.
Right. Because, you know, you're an attractive guy. I'm sure there's lots of mega groupies. And I'm sure coveting comes up. You know, how can you not covet? And praise God that I have a great wife.
Because it is male nature to... No, I think it's actually easier to be a female in that way. I completely agree. Right. I covet being a female.
Oh, of course. I mean... Of all the low-lying fruit that the Democrats just, like, hand the Republicans to win elections, that's the one.
Right.
Yeah.
You lost Gavin Newsom on this. Okay? Take that as a hint, right? I mean, you were, I think you were on. I was the one that asked the question. Right. Yeah. And he said issue of fairness, all that. Well, that's what I started to say when you sat down. You're everywhere now. You're Gavin, everybody's podcast. And, you know, look, I always say this. Everybody's a monster till you talk to them.
But can I just ask, because I want to find out a lot about you, because you're obviously a super bright guy, but you do think that I have the right to live completely opposite than you do.
Not to say that there aren't some people who probably are monsters, but I've yet to find the horror show that is you. Keep looking, Bill. No, I want to. You've got to keep going. I do. I want to. You've got to dig deeper. Cut me some slack, because we're friends now, right? We really are. Absolutely. OK. So just cut to the chase. What is it that the 10% who hate me
the ISIS fighters who hate the apostates in Islam more than they do, you know, they hate Shiites more than, okay, tell me what they are wanting me to do. To press you on that, what is the thing that presses their buttons the most about why your incorrigibles did it? I don't even think you would agree with their accusations.
Well, you know, this is another one where the woke hates me. I mean, I did a whole thing on how I think, and we do disagree on this, by the way, because I do think there is such a thing as being born in the wrong body. Fair enough.
But I said what's going on in the country is what I would call entrapment, because entrapment by legal means is when you suggest to people something they really wouldn't have done anyway. And I use the example of the Liberty Seven, the seven African-American gentlemen in Miami. who were planning to blow up the Sears Tower. They were not.
The FBI came in to seven people who probably had good reason to be discontented with America and said, wouldn't it be great if we blew up the Sears Tower in Chicago for Allah? And they were like, yeah. And they didn't even have a gun. That's entrapment.
Anyway, for the record, I'm not acknowledging that I agree with that because I don't know if in the comments you guys can agree or disagree. I'm just acknowledging that I respect Charlie Kirk enough to look into whether that is. And it could be true because I say it all the time. I don't believe anybody. Like, you just lost my trust, all media, right, left, very few people.
Yes, of course.
I'm right there with you. Do I have, like, okay, I hear what you're saying. Now I have to go vet it.
Yes. I said not a crazy, but a person who acts crazy on the public stage. Those are two different things, though. I know, but that's what matters. I also said it doesn't matter. What he does in a private dinner with a comedian, what matters is who he's on the world stage. What bothers me about the critiques I get is that they don't acknowledge the points I myself made.
I just took it as a positive. And I said this. I took it as a positive that at least there is this other person. that I see that is undeniable. And again, for all the people who, we're losing truth. Yes, I was one of the first to say that. We are losing truth. Okay, but I told you the truth. That's all I did. I went there and I told the truth of what happened. And good for you.
And they would prefer that I had lied.
It was like the ratification of a treaty. But he signed that piece.
It is hilarious.
First of all, the thing I did was so funny. Give me a little credit for that. To sign the thing? No, but the whole piece I did on my show was hysterical.
And listening. And again, the reason why I was the perfect choice for this was because nobody had been harder on him. So it was a real Nixon to China thing. And by the way, if you don't know what Nixon to China means, you probably shouldn't be commenting on political matters to begin with, my critical friends. I, um...
Sometimes he does. Sometimes he does. I gave that whole list. I also gave the list of things that are horrible, disappearing people and ignoring judges and gutting the government with glee, this tariff thing that even the conservative press has turned off on. So, yeah, it was just honest down the line on both sides. I just told you what I saw. And good for you.
And didn't... And I just told this to Harvey Levin on his show. I'm proud. I looked him in the eye and said, you're scaring people. I'm proud I looked him in the eye and said... How did he react to that? I know, but see, that's the thing. I said that the night I gave it, I said... You're scaring people. Why do you want to scare your own citizens so much?
And I know everybody wants to know what he said. And the truth is, I don't remember. But it wasn't... What kind of drugs were you guys doing that night? But it wasn't, okay, I'll stop. Okay. Then you would have remembered. That I would have remembered. So I have no illusions that, you know, my dinner with Donald Trump is going to change the nation. But to the haters, it's just like...
as opposed to what not engaging at all that's that is that is there it's either me or gretchen whitmer with the with the binders in front of her face i mean i feel like i did it better i went in there i didn't give one inch on what i believe or or saying to his face what i believe uh But, you know, I told the truth about how he's different in private.
It definitely didn't hurt my brain.
Why do you think Biden or Obama wouldn't do that and Trump did? I mentioned that too in the thing. I said, you know what? You did. I said, you know, because look, this was kind of a guy's dinner. And look, Donald Trump is a man of a certain age, of a certain way of life. I just think he's comfortable with the guys. And I also think he loves his wife more than his let on.
But like he just likes being with the guys. And it was a guy's dinner. We just had a good guy's time. And so like I said it like I voted for Obama. I voted for Clinton. But the idea that I could talk to them as freely as I felt this conversation was going. is emblematic to me of why the Democrats lose the elections, because they just don't feel that this is like a real person.
And I know it's so weird to say that about Donald Trump, who I've said a jillion times is, you know, a whiny little bitch. I mean, I could go through my greatest hits of like insults, but this was about getting past that. And maybe seeing that if we met in person, we don't hate each other as much, and we don't. And I'm sorry, I'm not going to pretend that's a bad thing.
No, it's how you heal as a country. Even though he's doing terrible things.
I mean, sending American citizens to foreign prisons. He didn't do that. That was a one-liner. I know, but he set a one-liner.
I don't know the answer. Oh, you'll be fascinated by this because, you know, I'm not married, so I go out. So sometimes I'm out with, like, people who are— a great deal younger than me. I don't know how they get in my group, but they do. And so I've been to sometimes parties like the Hollywood parties.
Because, I mean, you're a student of American history.
Yeah. I don't know who Eugene O'Neill is, but. Well, that's not history. That's the arts. And that's the 20th century. But, yes, I'm happy to fill the gaps in your knowledge. Thank you. That's a big one. Eugene O'Neill's big. I would not like that. No, no, no. He's not like this small guy. But, okay, so The Iceman Cometh, another big one. But Iceman, you can see it's not recent.
You never did? No. Even as a kid? No. But what—see, just the—this is like sort of my version of the religion thing. Like, maybe you're missing out on the big picture the way I am with Christianity. Maybe—except I've already been exposed to Christianity, and you've never been exposed to Rastafarianism or whatever my religion is.
But you could—I mean, don't you—don't you— think that it would be a great thing to see corners of your mind that you have never looked into. Tell me more. What do you mean by that? It's not a game. I want to like... No, I will tell you. I'm happy to tell you. I'll put it this way. I've mentioned this before with potheads, I think, on my show, that when I have an important decision to make...
I treat my mind the way Congress is designed, a bicameral institution. I will think about it sober, and I will think about it stoned. And then if they agree... They can reconcile and present a bill, and I will sign it.
But they both have to agree on this, because I just have a different perspective when I'm stoned. And it's very often sharper and more insightful and better. You know, I mean, just editing, I know. Like... just writing in general, but I mean, I don't do all my writing stoned, but like the final edit, it's like, oh yeah, you're right. That should go.
Like things I did not see sober, I will see stoned. And, you know, you might get stoned and be like, oh Jesus, what? Are we kidding? Back from the dead? No, I'm kidding. So Sunday's Easter, what are you going to do? It must be a big day. He is risen. He is risen indeed, Bill.
And this is probably not most of America exactly this way, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's that different. And first of all, in this town, it's all run by like the Nepo babies, the Nepo babies, the trust fund kids, all these little funny two-year-old. The J.B. Pritzker types. Well, I'm kidding. No, no, I'm sure. I know who you mean, the governor of Illinois.
Why do we say that in the present tense? Because it is a constant truth in our life.
I always noticed it.
I'm just always fascinated the way really, really fine intellectual minds think. employ themselves for the purpose of arguing things that are so inarguable. But it does fascinate you, though. It does, because it's almost like a challenge. Like, I'm so smart that I can make this thing, which is so It's stupid. It's not stupid. No, no, it's fine. No, but you get where I'm coming from.
I'm going to take something that is so anti-intellectual, even though I can argue like an intellectual.
So why the... If there's this other truth that's beyond this metaphysical truth, why... so many different versions of it that only seem to cause wars. You know, Protestants and Catholics. Eastern Orthodox, Mormon. Someone asked me recently, like, you know, like, I won't say who, but sometimes people have, you know, don't know history that well, and they're like, Bill.
Like, okay, so Columbus, 1492, lands on America. And we don't really then have the first version colony until 1607, Jamestown. So somebody said to me, what happened in that century? You know what happened in that century? Martin Luther. at the beginning of that century, said there's an alternative to Catholicism. There was 95 theses that were... Nailed on the door of Wittenberg in 1517.
And for the next hundred years, they just fucking killed each other all over Europe about who was right about that. And that's why it took a century after Columbus landed to go back, because they were preoccupied with killing each other over whether... The Pope in Rome was the devil. Or is the Eucharist the little body of Christ?
I mean, did his foreskin ascend to heaven with him or was that left here because he was a Jew? I mean, there was just a lot of silly questions. There was a lot of debates. Arianism, remember that?
I find the first few centuries of Christianity the most, Fascinating. Yeah, why? Well, because they were deciding on it. Yeah. I mean, Christianity, for you non-history majors, Christ dies in 33, of course. And then it wasn't until three centuries later. Council of Nicaea. Well, that's even later. But the 330, I think, or maybe that was when the Emperor Constantine declared.
We invented Nepo baby out here. But yes, it's everywhere now, even on the Lakers.
He convened the council. Okay.
Right. OK. So that's when Christianity becomes the official religion of the Roman Empire. So it took 300 years. And that's when the Nicene Creed was created. Right. And in those 300 years. There were a ton of debates. First, it was like, you know, Christianity was just persecuted. It was surviving the first hundred years. The blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church.
It was said by Tertullian in 202. So that's 200 years into it, and they were still martyrs. They were fed to the lions. And then slowly it catches on. The idea that it gets good in the afterlife was very attractive to an empire that was like a lot of slaves. Yeah. If you're a slave, this is a good deal. And so finally in 330, it becomes the official religion.
And then you have the church fathers, Ambrose. Augustine of Hippo. Augustine, right. And Jerome. And Augustine is writing in like 430, I think. City of God. Yes. He's writing in the city of Hippo. Which is Libya now. Is in Libya now. Right. Correct. And...
Well, okay, I don't want LeBron mad at me like he is at my friend Stephen A. But, I mean, that is, you know. But the point is that when you go out to these, I've been to these parties where, like, it's a bunch of 22-year-old kids, and none of them are smoking pot. Why? Why? They're on real drugs. Pot's so like my generation. It's like I couldn't find pot at one of these parties.
You know, just the way they, I don't want to call them exactly press agents, but kind of the way they formed the idea of the church in those early centuries. You know, it was something that needed.
Yeah, I guess if you believe... There's an old saying in comedy, by the premise, by the bit. If you believe the premise that he's God and all the... Then you care whether the foreskin went with him or not.
eventually decided upon which we believe to be in religious i went to a holy land and they have the jesus there because they reenact the whole crucifixion and so i interviewed jesus and you know i hit him with that about like you know it's supposed to be very proud they're very proud that they're monotheistic you know like the pagan people they have many gods these fucking heathens these savages the river the sun yes from the corn the dirt right
Crazy people with so many gods. And then you have the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost. You can pray to the Mother. I mean, it's just a lot of people involved.
Oh, yeah. Tell me what he said. He said, and this stopped me in my tracks for a minute because it's the kind of that makes people go, oh. And to me, it went, oh, no. OK, so he said it's like ice. It's like water.
But you know they did add the Holy Ghost like three centuries in because the church needed another. Well, that's not true. Oh, it is true. There was no Holy Ghost in the beginning.
The Holy Ghost is named there?
So they were all in the same room at the same time?
That's what they call him now? Yeah, yeah.
What's wrong with John the Baptist?
I was the only one. They were asking me for it. The few kids who wanted it. They're all, they take this. Like psychedelics or mushrooms, LSD. Oh, ketamine, whatever.
It's like new Coke. Stick with what works. You know what? It was great.
There's nothing wrong with John the Baptist.
Well, it was eight, and it was, you're going to be in eternal pain if you don't believe this.
Well, I mean, I do remember that period in my life when there was the fear. And then as I got older, you know, look, I was still saying there was, I was not an atheist until I was, like, 40. Like, I wasn't religious. I thought that was bullshit. But I wasn't saying I was an atheist. I just didn't think much about it at all. I do remember...
Like in my 20s, like, you know, you'd do that thing where you're in some sort of bad shape and you'd go, please, God, if you just... Petitionary prayer. Don't make me... I feel like this cocaine is going to make me die. If you save me, I promise I'll never do it again. Your prayer was answered. What? Your prayer was answered. My prayer wasn't answered. I just didn't do that much cocaine.
It felt like I was dying, but I wasn't. There was a logical explanation, Charlie. Just saying you're one for one on prayers being answered. I mean, I don't think that was the only time. I know. I'm kidding. Being lighthearted. All right.
Well, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this. Well, thank you. I mean, again, I'm sure there's something that I'm not asking you.
They're all it's all ingested before they even leave the house. So that's where the good news. Parents, your kids aren't on pot.
I appreciate that.
No, and I am... You know, part of the joy of doing that, because it's such an easy target and they're so terrible and they combine bad ideas with a bad attitude. So when I see somebody, as I've seen so many videos of yours, where you're just taking them down and you do it like Edward R. Murrow, I mean, you just destroy them. If I agree with you on the premise, it is a pure joy to watch that.
Yeah, it is. And, you know, I know you don't think you're doing a giant service for the Democratic Party, but you are. Because until we get rid of that, they're never going to win another election. I agree. They're not going to take political advice from me. No, but they might from me. They could. And they should. Not the 10%. But that's 10%.
I mean, that was the good news about this Trump dinner thing. Like, the people who hated me before, it didn't go up. I looked into it. It's the same 10%. But they're very loud. They're very loud. But that's it. And, you know, as FDR once said, I welcome their hatred. Because they're just, first of all, they have no integrity whatsoever. They don't ever present the full argument.
They just cherry pick. I mean, everybody does it, everybody. So I'm not saying I'm unique here. But that is part of the problem of our discourse, is that everybody just wants to forward their narrative. No one is really interested in the full truth, just the truth. Just give me the truth. And that's the crowd I'm going for.
Of course. They're kids. Yes. It's like innate that they want to be, here's something that's not politically correct.
Okay, you're going to have to stay a little more because I want to ask you about this because now you got me on colleges. And, you know, that's been one of my big... No, no, we got to talk. That's been one of my big targets. Big time. I mean, it was in my book. It was in my special. I called them the mouth of the river from which all the nonsense flows. It is a Wuhan laboratory.
That was my... Yeah.
I did. I said, if ignorance is a disease, Harvard Yard is the Wuhan wet market. That was my joke. I got... Now we can say Wuhan lab, but yeah, that's right. Okay. And... Trump's going after the colleges now, which I fully support. Yeah, but as always with his, it's like, it's not exactly legal the way he's doing it. You know, it's coercive. It's, I get that. I am behind the feeling of it.
I'm not sure this is the way to do it, but the feeling of it, yes, they have become places where, And this is, again, one of your big bailiwicks. This is one of the places you really got to. I think this has helped you get where you are.
They have become places that are two things, not really interested in teaching, just getting a point of view on the world into the kids' heads, which is not the way it was when I went to college. and also just very anti-Western civilization. Completely. And this is Western civilization. And you live in Western civilization. You're soaking in it. You're enjoying it. Yes.
All the things that make your life and especially the life of minorities and oppressed people better come from Western civilization. Rule of law. Scientific inquiry, freedom of speech, democracy, all the things, women's rights, gay rights. All of it. All of it is Western civilization. And.
Oh, totally. But we also should be able to agree that we shouldn't force adults to organize their lives around what kids might get into.
The question is, how do you, like, extirpate that from universities without, I mean, going after the research money? It has nothing to do with this.
Everything has to look like Angelina Jolie's Christmas card. Exactly.
taxpayer dollars for funding that. See, I called that out on my show. That was bull. It wasn't transgender. See, that worries me about you, Charlie. You seem to have swallowed that one whole. like a snake does a mouse without looking into it. It was transgenic mice. Oh, I'm sorry. It was not. But it's hugely different. Transgender, that's just going along with what the mob thinks. It wasn't.
He got it wrong. And no one was around to tell him that he got it wrong. He just went with it. Transgender. It wasn't transgender. It was transgenic. They were studying mice for health reasons, serious cancer-solving reasons. Nothing to do with transgender. I stand corrected on that.
No, of course. So as Christian as you are, you don't want us to be the Christian United States of America. I want to see the body politic become Christian, but I want the Constitution to be our North Star.
And you think that someday we all will get on the train there?
You know, you're going to be tired of all the winning. That's all I'm going to say.
The idea that you think we need Christianity as the pillar here to hold up this edifice, that I can't agree with.
Well, what we do know is that the ideas of the Enlightenment were ideas from people who were Christian. I mean, obviously, Rousseau and John Locke and the people here in America. It was very Christian. Yeah, Christian. I mean, Christianity to varying degrees. Again, deism. Again, you know, Thomas Jefferson taking Jesus out of his miracles out of the Bible. But that's the basic tradition.
It is a Western tradition that we seem to have to always apologize for. I'm sorry. No, no, no, I'm not. No, I'm joking. But no, if America was 81% Christian or 81% Islamic, what's a better country? Yes. According to the ideals I believe in, if you think faith, and I know you do, is the most important thing, you might think Islam. But I happen to think freedom is the most important thing.
Personal liberty. Again, human rights, rule of law. Scientific inquiry, democracy, freedom of speech, all these things which are absent much more in those societies than the society I live in. All right, Charlie. Okay.
It certainly hasn't changed my life. Okay. I grow it right outside here.
Well, I don't know, but that's not really the relevant question, is it? Even if there is a deleterious effect, there is too many things we do, and we would not use that as a reason to prescribe our basic freedoms. Should people be able to do drugs on the street? No, definitely not on the street.
Of course there are limits, yes, and maybe of certain drugs, or certain drugs should be by prescription prescribed. as we do with pharmaceutical drugs. But certainly pot is more benign than alcohol. I mean, I could give you the stats on that. We all know that. Is it health food? No. I'm not crazy like some of my hippie friends are, trying to portray it as something that's actually dangerous.
good for your lungs. But I don't think it's, well, it's a trade-off. When you're an adult, you have the right to make trade-offs. Trade-offs is the essence of life. I'm going to have this piece of cake tonight and be a little fatter tomorrow, or I'm not going to do that and feel better tomorrow. And we all make those choices on a daily basis with everything.
Yes, have I probably cut off some years of my life, maybe with pot? Who knows? I may have increased them because it helped, It certainly made me richer. It made me better at my job, better at writing, better at a lot of things I like to do. So, you know, I might be living in a two-bedroom apartment in Van Nuys if it wasn't for Potter, and I'm probably going to live longer here.
It's so hard. I don't know.
Oh, I hear those things, too, and I'm sure that's true because once it became as commercialized as it has, of course you're going to try to maximize the potency of it. just because the customer comes back, just like a restaurant is not interested in your health. They're interested in making the food as delicious as they can so you come back to that restaurant.
But it's so hard for me to tell you because I've been smoking for... 50 years, and I'm different. Who knows what I was thinking? I remember when I first smoked, we would just sit in the car and laugh at nothing for an hour. That doesn't happen anymore. So my guess is the pot is stronger, but my resistance is weaker. Anyway, people think I'm some sort of giant pothead.
I've always been very circumspect about my pot smoking. I mean, I don't smoke every day. The most I smoke is right here, once a week. I like to be in party mode when I'm with someone I'm getting to know. This is one of the joys of my life. And... You know, I understand that it doesn't connect with some people or make some people paranoid or something.
But other people, it's just, I mean, you know, some people like a scotch and some people like blah, blah, blah. And some people like complete sobriety. If that's your thing, that's fine. But to me, the most interesting place I can ever travel is inside my own mind. And drugs do help you get there.
No, we shouldn't make it easier. That's crazy.
It's the low-lying fruit. Sure, it's a boundary. I want to create a boundary. And you're right. You know, I mean, again, I'm for picking that fruit, too. It's silly to help drug addicts be drug addicts and keep them on the street. It's stupid to keep homeless on the street. Oh, I totally agree. There's another way liberals are different than the woke. The liberal thing forever was...
Drink? No, I'm good. Thank you. You don't drink? No. Or smoke pot? and you're married and super Christian. We're going to get along great. This is going to just be perfect.
And Truman helped form the United Nations. And Truman said, well, let's let the United Nations take care of this. And it's like it didn't work out that way. So Chiang Kai-shek is chased out to Taiwan for Mosa, free China, whatever the name was. And the communists took over China.
And they began to do a cultural revolution, not just a revolution, but a cultural one, which means they were destroying thousands of years of Chinese culture. They destroyed the oldest gates, you know, in Beijing and the oldest Buddhist temple and tens of thousands of ancient Chinese works.
because they wanted to do the new people's republic of china and they play the long game i heard somebody explain it difference between chess and poker but americans are known for poker taking risks and gambling and the chinese are very strategic yeah talk more about that the long-term planning of the chinese communist party they they how far out do they look and
Right, for the first century and a half of our country, that's how the federal government raised its money. So a little background, industrial revolution in England, coal was what they burned and they had coal mines that would fill up with water. So in 1769, Isaac Watt invented a steam pump to get water out of coal mines and that quickly turned into a steam engine that ran factories.
Well, the most popular game in China is called Go, G-O. And it's like Chinese checkers with flat little marbles. But your goal is to get control of different parts of the playing board with the fewest amount of pieces necessary. And so it's very long-term strategy. And so they apply this generationally. They do have a... what I could best describe as a manifest destiny, right?
When America was first starting, we sort of knew we were going to go from sea to shining sea. But China has this sort of corporate concept that they are the best and that they are going to grow and eventually take over. And to a large part, they've been successful primarily through bribing politicians in other countries. the China Silk Road Initiative, Turkestan.
Yeah, it's a psyche that's there. So I think they've been rattling the sword that they wanted to take back Taiwan. And of course, they did get Hong Kong back, which was a tremendous abandonment of the freedom loving people there. But Trump, I feel, is brilliant because when he threw them on their heels with this tariff
war, so to speak, 40 Chinese banks have gone belly up just within the last two months. They've had to pull back. Their global aspirations have taken a hit, partly because they've bought a whole lot of Treasury bills. And if they attack America, they're going to lose their customer. Right. Because because we're the ones that America is the market for the world.
And so if if they do anything to to collapse America, they're going to have nobody to buy their product. And so they're going to be hurt that way. So they're in sort of a box. And Trump is probably the only person on the planet that has the guts. to push back against their agenda.
Uh, if you look at the, the Hutchison Wempole company, which is a Chinese owned company, they've been strategically taking control of major maritime ports, uh, you know, Panama canal, the Dardanelles, different areas around the world that are choke points for naval travel around the world. It's like, why are they doing that? The Bahamas, they built a deep water port down there.
Um, and then in Africa, uh, they go to countries and say, well,
Well, their their population is is unsustainable. They you know, the fewer women go back to the one child policy they used to have and they would all want men and the overstretched their population. themselves so that they are vulnerable, I think, financially. They have a good front. Militarily, they do have some advanced things and supposedly hypersonic missiles and so forth, but very few.
The American military outnumbers the Chinese, almost 10 to 1. So they're not ready to engage in anything. They are trying to do what's called BRICS, Brazil, Russia, China, India, Singapore, whatever. I always get the S mixed up. But these are countries that want to trade with something other than the U.S. dollar.
Charlie, what you've done is incredible here.
And they've gotten a little headway, but I don't think it's anywhere near competitive.
And wool, if you look at it under a microscope, it has little barbs that if you pull them, they hook together and get tighter. So women would have to sit at a spinning wheel and take this yarn and turn it into thread and then make cloth. Well, factories could make bolts of cloth really quick, really inexpensive. And so this is called the Industrial Revolution.
That brings up another interesting scenario. FDR, on his way back from the ALTA conference, stops off his USS Quincy boat in the Suez Canal, and he meets with the King of Saudi Arabia, Aziz Ibn Saud, and they do an oil for security agreement. that America will provide security for Saudi Arabia in exchange for Saudi Arabia selling its oil in U.S. dollars.
The number one commodity sold worldwide is oil. And when everybody in the world is having to buy oil in U.S. dollars, and since Saudi Arabia is the biggest seller of it, one of the biggest, then everybody wants U.S. dollars. And so we're able to be the reserve currency for the world Biden let that slip.
And that's dangerous because if it ever happens that we're not the reserve currency, there'll be lots of dollars that have been created that nobody needs. And then the inflation could go through the roof. I think Trump is very effectively trying to push back against that. And then you had the Bretton Woods Agreement around 1948, Harry S. Truman, that made the international agreement that the U.S.
dollar would be the reserve currency for the world backed with gold. It was secure. Everybody said, hey, you can put your... your money in dollars, and you know it's the most safest until Richard Nixon got us off the gold standard. But even then, it was still responsibly managed.
But then under Biden and Obama and the spending, spending the trillions and trillions of dollars, we're the most in-debt nation in the history of the world.
Maybe Charlie Kirk is on the college campus.
Not without a miracle. So I've written several books. One of them is called Change to Change. I go through all the world's history and I track empires. Debt is always the precursor to an empire collapsing. The Roman Empire, it expanded, expanded. But then when Hadrian built its wall, it was this far and no further. And they had to live within their means and they couldn't.
And they got in debt and then they ended up collapsing. The Spanish Empire. was getting gold from America, but they were spending it as fast as they got it. And when they lost their Spanish armada in 1588, trying to attack England, then they lost another armada a few years later. And then another one, Spain went bankrupt and they couldn't maintain their global empire.
But the British did not allow manufacturing in the colonies because they wanted to market.
And that's when, you know, England and France and others began to settle colonies in America. France, under Louis XIV, became the biggest empire in the world. But then France helped us with our Revolutionary War. Thank you. But what did they get in return? Nothing but debt. You fight a war, you should get something in return. They didn't get any trade agreement.
They just got nothing but debt, and then a couple years of crops failed, and France went bankrupt, and they had a French Revolution, and it collapsed. You look at the the Ottoman Empire and it expanded and was it would only it would tax the non-Muslims. And after centuries, the non-Muslims turned into very small minorities and the tax base was gone. And then the Ottoman Empire fell.
And then how did we get rid of the Soviet Union, the arms race? Reagan was spending on military. Russia tried to keep up and they couldn't. And they took all their money out of their GDP and put it in the military and they collapsed. And so we have been doing to ourselves voluntarily what we did to the Soviets to collapse them.
And so when America becomes independent of Britain, the second bill that George Washington signed as president was the Tariff Act of 1789 to put a 5% tariff on all imports into America to make those factory-produced items from England more expensive intentionally so that it would provide a cushion for those manufacturing to begin in America.
We got them to spend, spend, spend, and they went in debt and collapsed, and here we are. So debt is fat to the body politic. Mm-hmm. What's fat? Well, you eat something you shouldn't and then it turns into a fat cell and you got to carry it around. It's not a brain cell. It's not a muscle cell. It doesn't add anything to you, but you got to keep it alive. What's debt?
Well, you spend what you shouldn't have and you have interest and you got to keep paying that interest. It doesn't add anything to you. So America is like a 400-pound patient on the emergency room table and And the Democrat comes in and says, I think you can handle another hundred pounds of debt. We can keep this spending going. And Trump's like, we need to put in some stints.
We need to do some radical surgery here. We need to cut back on this. And so America is at a very vulnerable spot. Trump is trying to fix it.
You know, I did a book on the history of socialism, and a socialist tactic is you get a country to go into debt, and then when they're destabilized, they also add in pitting groups against each other, victims and oppressors, but then they destabilize the country, and then everybody cries out for the government to help, and the government says, we'll help, we're just going to take control of your lives.
But you look at the countries that fell... behind the Iron Curtain, they were all destabilized and debt was a chief factor in that. So Trump's trying to turn things around. I think if he, you know, Kennedy talks about that. He says, if we could cut taxes, it will spur economic growth. And then we'll be able to get our economy growing again.
I want you to know we are lucky to have Charlie Kirk.
And so Trump's taken this attitude of let's free up individuals so they can keep their money and then the economy can grow. In one of my books, I did a book called The Interesting History of Income Tax. And John F. Kennedy talks about FDR's high taxes and how they've been chasing money out of the country and doing this outsourcing.
So February 6, 1961, Kennedy said, I've asked the Secretary of Treasury to report on whether present tax laws may be stimulating in undue amounts the flow of American capital to industrial countries abroad. Right. You squeeze a sponge, the water goes out. Kennedy said April 20th, 1961.
In those countries where income taxes are lower than in the United States, the ability to defer the payment of U.S. tax by retaining income in subsidiary companies provides a tax advantage for companies operating through overseas subsidiaries that is not available to companies operating solely in the United States. And so he says we need to give tax cuts to businesses.
The caveat is to businesses that are on American soil. And he says a tax cut, this is September 3rd, 1963, JFK, a tax cut means higher family income, higher business profits, a balanced federal budget. Every taxpayer and his family will have more money left over after taxes for a new car, a new home, new convenience, education, investment.
Every businessman can keep a higher percentage of his profits in his cash register or put it to work expanding his business. And as the national income grows, the federal government will ultimately end up with more revenue. So if you cut taxes, people will have more money and they'll spend it. And then the factories will have to hire more workers to meet the increased demand.
And so the idea is that you can stimulate the economy through cutting taxes and again, at the same time, replacing that with tariff income.
I would say he's one of the best presidents ever. And I agree. I really believe that, you know, you see a concentration of power that takes place and he is trying to cut the size of government. It's like, who does that? I've never seen in studying all the presidents. You know, FDR concentrated power with his New Deal programs during the Depression and then World War II.
And he hired and then he gets out. Eisenhower, Republican, gets in. Eisenhower hires Clarence Mannion. the dean of the Notre Dame Law School. His job is to go through all of the concentrating of power that FDR put in place and basically do doge. What can we do to trim back all this stuff? And he comes up with a great list, but...
Matter of fact, there was no income tax in America until the Civil War. I'll get to that. And the U.S. Constitution specifically mentions that tariff taxes was the way the federal government was going to get its income.
all the rhinos had gotten to Eisenhower and said, look, look, wait a second, we're in charge. It's okay to have big government because the Republicans are in charge of it. And so they basically let Clarence Mannion go and he pioneered the conservative movement that Eddie Rickenbacker became a part of and then Phyllis Schlafly and then all the rest of us sort of followed along.
But that was Eisenhower. And then And he gave a cryptic address at the end of his term. And he warns of the military industrial establishment. But that was his words for the deep state. It's like there are some people here and they got their own agenda and they're wanting to. So Trump comes along and he's like, I want to cut the size of government.
A few. Believe it or not, Andrew Jackson was the only president who paid off the national debt. And that brings up a whole nother thing. You had the John Maynard Keynes. He's a friend of, you know, FDRs. And it was debt stimulated economy. So here we are, depression. And he comes up with this idea. Hey, it's.
Charlie Kirk's running the White House, folks. I want to thank Charlie. He's an incredible guy. His spirit, his love of this country. He's done an amazing job building one of the most powerful youth organizations ever created, Turning Point USA.
It's okay for the government to go in debt to spend money in the private sector to create jobs. Those jobs will pay taxes, and the taxes will pay off the debt.
Sounds good on a chalkboard, but it never gets implemented because every generation of Congress says, hey, let's go in more debt so I can funnel money to my district to get votes, and then we'll let the next Congress decide how to pay it off. And so that's how there's even a guy named –
Buchanan, James Buchanan, and he won the Nobel Prize in economics in 1980 because he discovered what I just told you, that he's an economist. It's like, why are these guys getting us in debt, these congressmen? And he noticed that whenever they're up for reelection, they vote to increase the debt. And so he says politicians will do anything to get reelected.
And so and they hate trimming back the spending because they got to go back to their district and say, hey, no more pork projects. But so what Trump is doing, actually cutting back the fat, trimming it, getting rid of deep state. You're he's coming up against not just Democrats, but Rhino Republicans and people that have been entrenched in this government spending.
Article 1, Section 8 authorizes the federal government to collect duties and imposts, which are different terms for tariffs, to pay the debts, provide for the common defense and the general welfare of the United States. So basically, all federal money came from tariffs. And so Alexander Hamilton, the first secretary of the Treasury, created the Coast Guard to do what?
But I think he's going to be successful. And I am praying that he's successful. And I think that's why we have to support him. It may take, like Thomas Jefferson said, it may be the duty of all of us to have a little sacrifice to pay a little more for these goods so that we can encourage the manufacturing at home, get some of these factories back on American soil. And it's a doable thing.
And I think the good Lord has given us this opportunity and we need to support the president in it. It may take a few months, maybe a year for it to work through the entire system. When Milley took over in Argentina and they were he was in debt to the globalists, right? Argentina was and he cancels all that debt. And for a while it was a little bit of an upheaval.
But now Argentina is on solid footing. And countries are like investing in Argentina because they say, hey, wait a second, he's got his act together. They're on financial solid ground.
Yeah, so the default setting for human government is gangs. And a gang leader with enough weapons, we call a king. And the first recorded instance of this was Nimrod, Tower of Babel. And Josephus, the Jewish commentator, said Nimrod wanted to build a tower so high that if God destroyed the world again with a flood, he could survive on top.
And he made everybody in town bake bricks and bring them or he would kill them. And since the population of the world was centered there in Mesopotamia, and he wanted to control it, in a sense, Nimrod was the first globalist. And God comes down, confuses the languages, the people scatter into language groups that turn into nations.
Lo and behold, nations was God's invention to postpone a one-world government. But every generation has some king, pharaoh, caesar, kaiser, sultan, czar that wants to conquer other nations. And if left unchecked, they'd have been happy to conquer them all. And they keep getting bigger and bigger with the latest military advancements. The kings can kill more people.
So instead of cane-killing Abel with a rock, they can kill with a bronze weapon, an iron weapon, a phalanx spear. The Greeks had a scimitar sword that the Muslims had. And with the latest technological advancements, the kings can track more people. Augustus Caesar wanted a worldwide tracking system, 2 BC, called the census system.
If he could add access to 5G and cell phones and facial recognition software, I bet he would have been tempted to use that. So these kingdoms keep getting bigger until the king of England had the biggest, the sun never set on the British Empire. He was a globalist. He was a one-world government guy.
India, Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong, British Guiana, Canada, Barbados, Bermuda, Jamaica, and America. So America's founders broke away and flipped it and made the people the king. And so the word citizen is Greek. It means co-king. So kings have subjects who are subjected to their will. Republics have citizens. And the citizen is a co-king. And where did the founders get this idea?
It's a polarity change. America is an experiment of a polarity change in the flow of power. It's not a top-down rule by gang leader kings. It's bottom-up rule by we, the people. We got the idea from the New England pastors in Connecticut, in New Hampshire, in Massachusetts, in Rhode Island. Where did they get their ideas? From the Bible. What part of the Bible?
That first 400 years out of Egypt before they got a king. So king is the norm. The Pharaoh was one of the most powerful. And around 1400 BC, millions of Israelites come out of Egypt. And for four centuries, no king. And it worked because every citizen was taught the law and personally accountable to God to follow it.
To catch ships that were trying to smuggle stuff into America without paying the tariffs. And so he's in charge of federal revenue. He's the secretary of treasury. The fastest ships of the day were called cutters. And so these were called revenue cutters. It was the beginning of the Coast Guard. The Coast Guard was started to get collect tariffs. And so when the. Tariffs began to work.
And it worked for four centuries until the priests went woke and stopped teaching that there was sin. And Eli, the high priest, his own sons are sleeping with women in the tent of meeting and another Levite with a silver graven image and another Levite with a concubine.
where the law says the Levites to marry a virgin of his own tribe, and the poor concubines raped to death by a bunch of sodomites, something about that behavior that appears at the last stages of a people who ruin themselves. And it turns into chaos. They all go to Samuel the prophet, and they say, this self-government system is not working anymore. We want to be like the other countries.
We want a king. And Samuel cries, and the Lord tells Samuel, they did not reject you. They rejected me. Now, why is this story important? Kings of Europe look to the Bible for their authority, but they look to the King Saul and on part of the Bible, divine right of kings. I'm the royal gang leader. And the pilgrims and Puritans that founded New England look to the pre-King Saul part of the Bible.
Millions of people, everybody taught the law, personally accountable to God to follow it. So King Saul's the divider between England and America. And so the idea of people being involved in government goes back to the pre-King Saul part of the Bible. And so in New England, you literally had churches founding cities. So the first Baptist church in America founded Providence, Rhode Island.
The first Congregationalist church in America founded Hartford, Connecticut. Everybody's involved in church. Everybody's involved in city government because it's the church founding the city. There's like no non-church members there to be lazy and let them run stuff, right? And they had one building in town called the Meeting House.
That's where the pastor would teach the Bible, and that's where they'd do their city business. The word synagogue means meeting house. That's where the rabbi would teach the law, and that's where they'd do their city business. And so this...
was a covenant form of government where you get rights from god you're fair to your neighbor because you're accountable to god you get blessings from god and you voluntarily share them with your neighbor as charity because you're doing it as unto god it's not socialism where the government takes away your stuff without your permission and gives it to somebody you'll never meet and they don't care where the money came from no this is your money and you're moved upon by the holy spirit to be generous and and this system worked
for a century until it got a little dry. And the pilgrims and Puritans taught it academically at Yale and Harvard. And so they got nicknamed old lights. And so David Brainerd was expelled from Yale because he said his professor was as spiritual as a chair. And so in the 1700s, you have the new lights. And these are people that said, look, it's more than a plan.
Even if it's a good plan, you have to have an experience with Jesus. When you do, your life will change. You won't do worldly things anymore like bars and brothels and government. It's like, wait, what was that last thing? Yeah, government, it's worldly. If you're really a Christian, you're not going to be involved in worldly things like government.
It's like, huh, that's sort of different than an entire century where Christians are involved in government because it's Christian founding the city. They're like, yeah, we're not going to do that anymore. If you're really spiritual, you're going to withdraw.
Well, that brings up an interesting scenario, because if all the spiritual people withdraw from government, who's left to be involved but the less spiritual? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't get involved in government because it's worldly. Well, why is it worldly? We're not involved. All the Christians have left and there's a vacuum, right?
And so, you know, I thought people say, well, I'm spiritual. I'm not going to get involved in politics. By the way, politics comes from the word polis, which means city. And politics is simply the business of the city. And the policy is what the citizens all agree upon. And polite is how they're supposed to treat each other. And police is what happens when they don't treat each other polite.
Right. But but everybody's involved in the city. And so in New England, you had churches founding cities. But when this revival happened, they're like, no, if you're really spiritual, don't be involved. So if people are Christians are not involved, they're letting non Christians.
godly people teach kids there's no god and there's no sin right these little library books try this kind of sex try that kind of sex if sex outside of marriage is not a sin arguably there are no sins and if there's no sins you don't need a savior they're undermining the entire gospel you have to admit it's a pretty clever trick the devil's pulled to get christians who believe the gospel of christ let their children be taught the gospel of antichrist
Thomas Jefferson, the third president, stated April 6, 1816, it may be the duty of all to submit to this sacrifice to pay for a time and impost on importation of certain articles in order to encourage their manufacture at home. So it's like, look, everybody, we're going to have to pay a little bit extra if we want these foreign goods. Why?
Oh, we're really spiritual. We don't want to get involved in politics. We're going to let our kids be taught there's no God, there's no sin, there's no need for a Savior. It's like, oh, you're really spiritual, aren't you?
Thanks. AmericanMinute.com is my website. AmericanMinute.com. I have a book called Silence Equals Consent, The Sin of Omission. We talk taxes. I did a book called The Interesting History of Income Tax. And also, Turning Point Academy. I do videos, and you can sign up at Turning Point Academy. Look for resources. And it's an honor to be a part of you with that as well, Charlie.
For more on many of these stories and news you can trust, go to charliekirk.com.
Because we want to create a margin so that people can take the risk and start factories in America. And this was amazing. Instead of women sitting at spinning yards, they could buy bolts of cloth. Instead of going to a well and dragging buckets of water into the house, they could have indoor plumbing. And then we, so basically the industrial revolution freed women up from these menial tasks.
And then they produced farm equipment. And so instead of a farmer having to hire manual labor, one machine could harvest a field. Instead of ladies using wash tubs, they could use a washing machine. And so this saw the fastest rise in the standard of living in human history. And between 1792 and 1812, tariffs went up to 12.5%. After the War of 1812, tariffs went up to 25%.
In 1820, they were at 40%. And near the Civil War, they were at 60%. Franklin Pierce, the 14th president, said December 5th, 1853... Happily, I have no occasion to suggest any radical changes in the financial policy of the government. Ours is almost, if not absolutely, the solitary power of Christendom having a surplus of revenue drawn immediately from imposts on commerce.
Here's Franklin Pierce saying, hey, we're like the only country in the world and we have a surplus of money and it's all from tariff taxes. Ben Siegelman wrote in 1962 in the commentary magazine article, Tariffs, Kennedy Administration and American Politics.
He said in the early years of the republic, all but about twenty thousand dollars of the four point five million dollars of Treasury income stemmed from tariff levies up to the Civil War. In fact, over 90 percent of the federal government's receipts came from tariffs. It's unbelievable. But but the curveball is the majority of the tariffs were collected at southern ports.
So the South, like Charleston, South Carolina, threatened many times to stop collecting the tariffs because they were in a position as an agricultural area of having to buy more expensive stuff from Europe. or more expensive stuff, relatively, from the Northern factories. So the tariffs helped the Northern factories, but really didn't help the South.
So when the Civil War started, the South held back their tariff income. And the federal government was like, uh-oh. So Lincoln pushed through an emergency income tax, and it raised $750 million to finance the Union during the Civil War. And after the war, it was repealed. No income tax. Why?
Because the South is now part of the Union and we can go back to normal collecting tariffs at the southern ports. And so this was the way it was up until the late 80s. 1800s, it was 95% tariffs. This is what's called the Gilded Age. And you had all kinds of factories and bridges made out of steel and high rise.
And if you've ever been to the state capital in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it was built around this time. It's a gilded masterpiece. I mean, it is the most, you feel like you're in some foreign palace. There was so much opulence and wealth in America at this time. And then even into the early 1900s, I wrote a book on George Washington Carver. a Tuskegee scientist from down south.
And the United Peanut Growers Association in 1921 asked Carver to go to the House Ways and Means Committee and to lobby for a tariff on peanuts imported from China because they could bring them in from China cheaper than the southern farmers could grow them. And he was successful. They passed the 1922 Fordney-McCumber tariff bill. And then there's the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Bill of 1930.
Yeah, definitely. You know, the move away from tariffs sort of snuck in the back door. You had Marxists from Germany immigrating to America and they wanted redistribution of wealth. And so they pushed through the first income tax in a peacetime in 1892, but the Supreme Court declared it unconstitutional in Pollock versus Farmers Loan and Trust in the 1894 Supreme Court case.
The Supreme Court said any legislation that discriminates based on race, religion or economic status is class legislation. It's sort of economic DEI. We're going to tax people more because of their status. And the Supreme Court said, no, it's unconstitutional. So what did Woodrow Wilson do? Amend the Constitution.
With the 16th Amendment in 1913, he actually tacked a 1% income tax on the top 1% richest people in the country onto the 1913 tariff bill. It's just going to tax the Rockefellers, Carnegie's, J. Paul Getty's, Astor's, Flagler's, Harriman's. It's not going to tax you and me. And then you had World War One and everybody said, OK, we had an income tax during the emergency of the Civil War.
Now it's emergency of World War One. After the war, they reduced it, but did not eliminate it. But it was still a tax on the wealthy. You even had John F. Kennedy in his 1960 speech. He said, introduced during the war when the income tax was extended to millions of new taxpayers. Previously, it had been a selective tax imposed on the wealthy.
And then, of course, FDR had his greatest tax increase in world history.
So Franklin Roosevelt expanded the income tax to tax everybody. And most people made $5,000 a year. They didn't save up money to pay it. And so FDR instituted paycheck withholding, an emergency effort. It was Uncle Sam needs you, buy war bonds and fight the Axis, pay your taxes. The person that came up with it was Beardsley Rummel, chairman of Macy's Department Store.
You know, the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Oh, yeah, very well. And so it was called a pay-as-you-go tax. But this created something called outsourcing. You squeeze the sponge, the water goes out. You raise the taxes on businesses in America, guess what? They're going to go to other countries where the taxes are lower.
So after World War II, we were helping to rebuild Germany and Japan with brand new equipment. And they have cheap labor, no lawsuits, no environmental red tape, none of that. And they could produce stuff really cheap. and then ship it into America. And with the profits, they would lobby politicians to lower the tariffs so they could bring their stuff in cheaper. This is called free trade.
Now, the problem was that other countries would subsidize their businesses to help them produce their goods cheaper so they could sell them cheaper and put out a business, the American competition. And then once they had a monopoly, then they could flex their muscles when it came to negotiating foreign policy. We'll hold back what you need because we're the only ones giving it to you.
And so we see that what Trump, in a sense, is wanting to do is to go back to the original model that did make America the wealthiest and most prosperous nation on the planet. And you're making other countries pay a premium to have access to our customers.
Yeah, well, China is the oldest civilization in world history, goes back 5000 years. They had dynasties. They've always had a top down controlled economy. And then you had the British and they colonized. And what happened was the British were growing opium in India and shipping it into China. And the emperor didn't want it and fought back. And then the British brought their navy in.
Well, the Chinese didn't have a navy. And so they lost. And so it's called the Opium Wars. And this is when the British set up HSBC Bank, Hong Kong Singapore Bank, which was used basically to take the profits from selling the opium into China. Talk about a government involved in the drug trafficking industry. But this is called the century of humiliation for China. And they never forgot it.
And they're sort of paying us back with saying, OK, we'll weaken the West with fentanyl and and all kinds of other things. But when you had Admiral Dewey opened up trade with China. But we had the most powerful Navy in the world. You had during World War II, America was defending China against Japan. We had the fighting tigers. But then you had Chiang Kai-shek.
He converted and became a Christian, maybe because he thought that would get Americans to want to support him. And he's fighting the Japanese and fighting Mao Zedong and the communists. And Harry S. Truman said, we're going to pull out. MacArthur wanted to go in and defeat the communists. And he may have been able to do that because they were not all that organized. But Truman fired MacArthur.
Thank you for having me. Let me congratulate you on your show. I listened to the first show the other day. Absolutely amazing.
Um, first thing I have to say is I never heard that part about Christian Slater before. I mean, who gets their back shaved by a stripper? I just, I never heard that one before.
The door slam. That's just in front of people. I've just given up. And it's funny. Coming from a guy who can be a pretty good actor depending upon the role he's taking. And he just can't do it. It's not there. He's just given up. He's given up on life at that moment. Slamming the door in front. Everyone knows fully well it's going to be on the front page of every paper. I'm done. I've given up.
And here it is for everyone to see.
We probably had each other's throats. I'd probably still be drinking. You know, like it was just part of why I started drinking alcohol because I was trapped.
I mean, I don't understand how you even discuss it publicly. It's so private, right? That would be, I would assume, what you consider your greatest personal failure. And you would want to, I would assume- Hating the marriage ending, not the alcoholism. Right, no, not the alcoholism. No, that's a struggle that people face all the time.
But to blame that on the mother of your children, publicly put that out there, right?
for all to see for eternity they're gonna see it over and over again it just you know to me it goes to show the level of selfishness and and just self-importance that he has uh clearly doesn't i mean he banged the nanny he clearly doesn't think allegedly allegedly she did get a drop top lexi out of it alexis which she told us about uh but he's always denied that but go on
Allegedly my, my mistake. Yeah. I mean, you know, bring that back to the, to the pictures with Jennifer Lopez on a big night for her and he's, you know, where she's elbowing him to smile. I mean, you can't, a person that can't even put a smile out there. It, it, I don't know. I don't know what goes on inside someone like that in his head. I can't place it.
There are times where you see he looks like a great guy. He's out there smiling. He can be very charismatic. He's a great looking guy. He's had some great movies. But then you see these awful moments. Yeah.
Yeah, it's, uh... You go back to just the self-importance piece of it. It's just he has to put himself out there publicly. I think there's a public image that he is so concerned with. And I think maybe to a degree, part of that door slamming with Jennifer Lopez was the masculinity part.
go back to the comment you made earlier, allegedly, uh, thought, you know, I don't just a wild theory. Um, you don't run off in the middle of the night for no reason. There's something that scares you into it.
Um, if I'm not mistaken, right about that time, there were, uh, reports, rumors surfacing of a female, a list superstar who may have, uh, been witnessed to partaking in some of the freak offs, um, and might know where some of the bodies are buried, so to speak. It's a scary thing to be involved with.
I'm sure there are a lot of people out there right now that would love to remain nameless and faceless through this whole trial.
My favorite part of that story was Ben Affleck had to call the FBI to find out why they were there.
I don't know how one knows to call the FBI or how to get in contact with them. I mean, do you Google them? Do you have a direct line? I don't know.
They were putting out press releases with such a flurry, about 31 different actions and rollbacks, that some of them had typos or placeholders at the top. We have one of those there. Trump EPA announces zero, zero, zero. You can see there. It's sort of shoot first, fill out the press release later.
These are such vital years right now that we're dealing with. And then this new administration, not only ambivalent about the science, but almost antagonistic. So we'll see. We'll see who is able to hold the lines. Now, for anybody who remotely cares about land and water and animals and climate, this is an obvious choice. They live in two different planets on planet Trump. He's still
There are no gigafires out west. Miami is not flooding. There are no experts telling us that this is just the beginning of a new normal. Think things are bad now. Imagine the hell on earth that would be three degrees of global warming. Well, Donald Trump is basically saying,
go to hell go to that hell because he doesn't want to even acknowledge the existence of the problem well charlie we know that wind can make a cold day feel colder but can national pride make a freezing day feel warmer it seems to be the case because regardless of the final crowd number estimates never have so many people shivered so long with such joy What?
Agreed. If that is the case, if that is a fact, that is as close to a smoking gun as this case has come to at this point. 100%.
Now, Megan, I can imagine your audience is not going to be happy with what Phil says, but Phil is not called upon to make people happy. Phil is called upon to detect deception. So while people may be saying, you know, how can he talk this way? No, no, no. He's putting his emotion aside.
She says she says the FBI called her. We don't know that. That's what she said.
You guys had me crying. I was crying. Yeah, you were crying. Phil is so cynical. That's what we pay him the big bucks for. I apologize.
I just... And we're allowed to do that, Megan. We're allowed to have that emotional response. But to Phil's point, many a bad guy and bad woman will prey upon that emotional response. The bad guys know how to manipulate. They have sad stories, but they still may be bad guys. Now, do I think, you know, I differ slightly than Phil? You know, I do think it's Jersey. I do think that.
Yeah, I don't think it was an organized thing. I think it was a crime of opportunity, because why would he be walking up the block, you know, with a baby in its arm?
So you're going to vote for Trump?
Yeah. I mean, I can't even understand that. And I understand that Biden is deeply flawed, but he does believe in our way of life. And, you know, I mean, I was the one who was saying from the very beginning when everyone was laughing at me that Donald Trump will never give up power. And he didn't. He still hasn't conceded the last election.
I don't know what could possibly be more fundamental to you or anyone than you have to concede elections. And he hasn't conceded the last one. He's plainly not going to concede this one. He now has all of his sycophants around him parroting his party line, which is when they ask them, will you abide by the election results?
Yes, if it's a free and fair election, which is another way of saying if we win. You really think this is a place this country should be?
But what's more important? What kind of country do we have?
That's important, too.
Well, yeah, I think that's a false equivalency. I think these things. What do you mean? I think these things are important. And but you can you can handle these things through the normal due process of our system. But if we lose the system itself, come on. We didn't. We didn't so far.
Right. And now he's had four years to put in place people who will make it work again. I don't know if there'll be a John Raffensperger in Georgia, a noble Republican who stood up to him. He thought last time that he could count on someone being just a Republican.
to do his bidding and what he found out was that there are a lot of decent people who are republicans which is something i'm trying to tell the democrats all the time you can't hate you can hate trump you can't hate everybody who likes him and you certainly can't hate half the country and republicans is not a byword for bad people and a lot of them stood up i mean even ones who i don't like very much um
Mitt Romney, McConnell, obviously Liz Cheney, Chris Christie. There were Mike Pence. These are what I call as good as it gets Republicans for the people who don't like Republicans. They full-throatedly said Trump lost that election. No two ways about it. McConnell said it wasn't even a particularly close election.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Oh, then we're not as alike as you think. That's a stupid non-story. Says who?
It wasn't right to suppress it, but nobody gives a fuck about Hunter Biden's dick.
Nobody who was going to vote for Trump anyway or Biden anyway.
And that's more important than what I was bringing up about not abiding by election results, not respecting what always made this country great, the peaceful transference of power.
I don't have to get you to agree or disagree. You're obviously someone who looks at an elephant and a mouse and cannot tell which one is bigger.
That's how I see you. Well, let's talk about— Why are you telling me this? I mean, this is just typical right-wing talking points, the evil Hunter Biden and the evil Joe Biden. And look, do I like them? No, I don't particularly like them. I think they're very flawed.
It's not nearly on the scale.
But again, these are the normal sorts of issues we've always had in this country that should be taken care of through the normal process we've had. You're talking about the difference between this and something fundamental, which is... Our democracy, the fact that you have to respect who wins an election or else you don't have the kind of country we've always had before.
I mean, I feel like we keep going around the Rosemary Bush about this and we're not going to make any progress. So let's stop talking about it. But, you know.
First of all, she came out before the sun had risen to concede the election to Trump.
Okay, well, first of all, she didn't say he was an illegitimate.
Tell me exactly what she said.
OK. I mean, she conceded the election. Whether whether you're interpreting her disappointment at losing it as the same thing as Trump not conceding it. I don't know that that's where you're getting it from. But again, it's a tremendous false equivalency. You could ask Hillary Clinton right now who won that election. She will tell you Donald Trump won.
In her dark purple suit and conceded the election.
I think it's a disaster.
And like it was so much better under Trump?
It was somewhat better.
It was somewhat better.
I'm not defending Biden on immigration. I don't understand why it's so difficult in this country to stop people coming through the border. I don't. And I watched that 60 Minutes video. piece they did on it a couple of months ago, and they had films of people coming through this hole and the border patrol just watching them and basically waving. I don't understand why.
I don't understand why this country can't accomplish something like that. It doesn't seem like it's impossible. But so many things in this.
Yeah, I would agree with that. The left wing, because they're so afraid always of being called racist, they let that color every issue and very often wind up with terrible policies that wind up not helping people of color.
Well, I think what Joe Biden is is a guy who does not want to fight with the left wing of his party. He sees that as I don't think he understands a lot of what's going on in the left wing. I mean, I doubt if he heard the word trans before he was president. But that's that's what he has chosen to do. He does not want to fight with AOC.
He thinks that's where the energy in the party is and he's not completely wrong. So he just kind of goes along with that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's that's one thing that's not great about him. But again, in this country, maybe gender is not binary, but politics is. You only get two choices. That's right.
You get Donald Trump, a criminal election denier who is going to transform this country into an authoritarian place like we've never seen before. Or you get Joe Biden with all his flaws.
Okay. What is his crime again?
And what was that crime? That was the— Classified documents.
Well, OK, again, a false equivalency. They both had classified documents. Here's the difference. Immediately, Biden, he shouldn't have had them. Immediately, he said, oh, sorry, my bad, and gave them back.
You got your story. You know, look, if you see it that way, that's what I have to deal with.
And I'm telling you.
I mean, they both should not have had classified documents. One by the toilet, one by his Corvette. Okay.
One.
One of them.
One Trump, one Biden. They both did that. The difference is Goofus and Gallant. Goofus said, anything I touch is mine forever. Go fish. Go fish. And the other one said, oh, yeah, my bad. And I immediately returned them.
Yeah. Maybe you know more about that than I do. I don't remember that part of it. And I always don't trust anything I hear until I vet it from the other side because everybody sort of has their one-sided view of it. And narrative is more important than truth. I know this is the right-wing narrative.
You know, Bill, I hope so. Zelensky sent a letter to the president. He apologized for that whole incident that happened in the office. I think that was an important step. And there's been a lot of discussion between our teams and the Ukrainians and the Europeans who are relevant to this discussion as well. And I would like to describe it as progress.
I believe that I tweeted that, and as I've said earlier, I believe much of my thinking has evolved over the last half decade.
I don't believe that, sir.
I don't think I've ever read that book, sir.
Apologies, I don't recall that I did. Okay. I have no doubt that your tweet there is correct, but I don't recall that.
I think I was probably reflecting on what it was to be, to grow up in an environment where I had lots of advantages.
I don't believe that anybody feels that way, sir. I was just reflecting on my own experiences.
I have never said that, sir.
I don't believe that was a reference to fiscal reparations, sir.
I think it was just a reference to the idea that we all owe much to the people who came before us.
That perhaps for our most tricky disagreements, seeking the truth and seeking to convince others of the truth might not be the right place to start. In fact, our reverence for the truth might be a distraction that's getting in the way of finding common ground and getting things done.
It's because the truth of the matter is very often, for many people, what happens when we merge facts about the world with our beliefs about the world. So we all have different truths.
Thank you.
Thank you.
First of all.
He thought last time that he could count on someone being just a Republican. to do his bidding. And what he found out was that there are a lot of decent people who are Republicans, which is something I'm trying to tell the Democrats all the time. You can't hate Trump. You can't hate everybody who likes him. And you certainly can't hate half the country.
And Republicans is not a byword for bad people. And a lot of them stood up. I mean, even ones who I don't like very much... Mitt Romney, McConnell, obviously Liz Cheney, Chris Christie. There were Mike Pence. These are what I call as good as it gets Republicans for the people who don't like Republicans. They full-throatedly said Trump lost that election. No two ways about it.
McConnell said it wasn't even a particularly close election.
And, you know... What wasn't fair?
What wasn't fair?
Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Oh, then we're not as alike as you think. Okay. That's a stupid non-story. I mean, yes... Says who?
It wasn't right to suppress it, but nobody gives a fuck about Hunter Biden's dick.
Nobody who was going to vote for Trump anyway or Biden anyway—
And that's more important than what I was bringing up about not abiding by election results, not respecting what always made this country great, the peaceful transference of power.
I don't have to get you to agree or disagree. You're obviously someone who looks at an elephant and a mouse and cannot tell which one is bigger.
That's how I see you. Well, let's talk about. Why are you telling me this? I mean, this is just typical right wing talking points. The evil Hunter Biden and the evil Joe Biden. And do I like them? No, I don't particularly like that. I think they're very flawed. Lessons. It's not nearly on the scale.
But again, these are the normal sorts of issues we've always had in this country that should be taken care of through the normal process we've had. You're talking about the difference between this and something fundamental, which is... are democracy. The fact that you have to respect who wins an election or else you don't have the kind of country we've always had before.
How about... I mean, I feel like we keep going around the Rosebush about this and we're not going to make any progress, so let's stop talking about it. But, you know...
First of all, she came out before the sun had risen to concede the election to Trump.
Okay, well, first of all, she didn't say he was an illegitimate. Yes, she did. Tell me exactly what she said.
Okay. I mean, she conceded the election. Whether you're interpreting her disappointment at losing it as the same thing as Trump not conceding it, I don't know. That's where you're getting it from. But again, it's a tremendous false equivalency. You could ask Hillary Clinton right now who won that election. She will tell you. Donald Trump
She came out that night in her dark purple suit and conceded the election. Correct.
I think it's a disaster.
And like it was so much better under Trump?
It was somewhat better. Oh, Bill. It was somewhat better.
I'm not defending Biden on immigration. I don't understand why it's so difficult. in this country to stop people coming through the border. I don't. And I watched that 60 Minutes piece they did on it a couple of months ago, and they had films of people coming through this hole and the border patrol just watching them and basically waving. I don't understand why.
I don't understand why this country can't accomplish something like that. It doesn't seem like it's impossible. But so many things in this country... We can.
Yeah, I would agree with that. The left wing, because they're so afraid always of being called racist, they let that color every issue and very often wind up with terrible policies that wind up not helping people of color.
Well, I think what Joe Biden is is a guy who does not want to fight with the left wing of his party. He sees that as, I don't think he understands a lot of what's going on in the left wing. I mean, I doubt if he heard the word trans before he was president. But that's what he has chosen to do. He does not want to fight with AOC.
He thinks that's where the energy in the party is, and he's not completely wrong. So he just kind of goes along with that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's one thing that's not great about him.
Would you repeat what you just said when you introduced a duly elected representative from the United States of America, please? I will. The representative from Delaware, Mr. McBride. Mr. Chairman, you are out of order. Mr. Chairman, have you no decency? I mean, I've come to know you a little bit, but this is not decent. We will continue this.
You will not continue it with me unless you introduce a duly elected representative the right way.
A lot of people lately talking about this 80-20 issue. And I think you are on the other side of this now, the side with the 80. 80 being 80% of the people in this country. Again, this is the issue of should biologically born men be able to compete in women's sports? That's tough. And, you know, I saw the polling here in California. They think you're a traitor for saying this.
Thank you. If the Democrats can't get with 80, how are they going to do something when it's a 51-49?
But Governor, you were the poster boy for a lot of this stuff. California had a rule that schools cannot be required to notify parents if their kids in school have changed their gender, their pronouns. It makes a lot of people go, well, you know what? That's the party without common sense. Now, if that's your state, how are you?
How can you snitch? The idea of a snitch and a parent, to me, doesn't compete.
Never been too worried about what everybody else thinks. Just try to do what I feel like is best for me and what's right. How did you guys meet?
Yeah, so I'm on some of those social media platforms, but I honestly don't follow them.
What's going on with this sweatshirt? Well, you can see I've worn this one for a while.
Correct.
He said fired. Okay.
We have made a decision now. that will permit us to create an economic order in the world that will promote more growth, more equality, better preservation of the environment, and a greater possibility of world peace. We are on the verge of a global economic expansion that is sparked by the fact that the United States at this critical moment decided that we would compete, not retreat.
It will create the world's largest trade zone and create 200,000 jobs in this country by 1995 alone.
Everything I've ever not liked about him was, I swear to God, absent, at least on this night with this guy. Bob, Kid Rock, told me the night before, he said, if you want to get a word in edgewise, you're going to have to cut him off. He'll just go on. Not at all. I've had so many conversations with prominent people who are much less connected. People who don't look you in the eye.
People who don't really listen because they just want to get to their next thing. People whose response to things you say just doesn't track. Like, what? None of that was him. And he mostly steered the conversation to, what do you think about this? I know. Your mind is blown. So is mine. I never felt I had to walk on eggshells around him.
And honestly, I voted for Clinton and Obama, but I would never feel comfortable talking to them the way I was able to talk with Donald Trump.
My favorite part of the whole night was we were standing in the blowjob room.
And he said, you know, I've heard from a lot of people who really liked that we're having this dinner. Not all, but a lot. And I said, same. A lot of people told me they loved it, but not all. And we agreed. The people who don't even want us to talk, we don't like you. Don't talk as opposed to what? Writing the same editorial for the millionth time and making 25-hour speeches into the wind?
Really, that's what liberals have? He takes the piss out of everybody else and we can hold ours? Okay, that's my report. You can hate me for it, but I'm not a liar. Trump was gracious and measured, and why he isn't that in other settings, I don't know, and I can't answer, and it's not my place to answer. I'm just telling you what I saw, and I wasn't high. That's the only part that's fine.
Well, if you go knocking on his door, it's very easy just to not even answer or just slam it on your face. What I'm thinking about doing is luring him out. And then you come between him and the door, which may give you that precious one line, that question that will hook him. And then he will want to stay outside. And then when he comes out, he doesn't even have to know we're together.
I got your back, and then you confront them.
It's all in the approach. You see, the way I'm proposing it, you get two bites of the apple.
There was so much going on in my head for your safety and our safety. And then when he started talking and he was so relaxed. So this man, what I felt he was doing was trying to sell us and you weren't having any of it.
The fact that we were there that long is phenomenal to me. That was my least likely scenario to happen.
And Megan, think about it. He's saying they would find my DNA and at the location. I mean, why would his DNA be at the location? They've never seen him there before. He's never said he was there before.
Well, maybe maybe it would have been found if, you know, half of Kansas City and mainstream media wasn't in and out.
If you think about it for that one moment, let's postulate that he is guilty. Let's assume, let's just for argument's sake say he's guilty. Every breath, every moment is burned in his brain. Right. And to me, this question of the phones is one of the most pivotal points made, because if he found that phone. Right. If he had the phone, that tells us he was in the house.
I mean, it tells me he was in the house and he called Megan Wright. And that's why he was going back and forth. Is it advantageous for me to say I found the phones? Or, oh no, I was just lying.
And that Megan Wright was dialed. Megan Wright's number was dialed. He had to make it, in my opinion, he had to make a story. Oh, I found the phones. And then he realized it's not his best interest to say he had, oh, I didn't have the phones. Yeah, exactly.
And in retrospect, when you think about it, guys, we were literally in his backyard. He had the high ground. He felt safe. We were in his territory, in his yard while he was up. He felt he was in control.
We could talk all about the questions, but the first phase is getting him to stay. The further away getting him outside that front door gives her more time. Time Time and distance give Megan options because unless we get that engagement, all of this is for naught.
And Jim, thank you. And sharing that, once an addict, you've shown that it can be overcome and it is debilitating and you overcame it and you just add that much more character to everything you do. Thank you. Thanks, Bill.
This could be the good... For the sake of just taking the opposite tact, I'm going to be contrary on that. I think the last thing he's going to want to see is you, Megan. And I'm hoping... he's going to get loud. And in his loud, he may say something stupid. If we can get one tenth of what Phil's putting forth, that's TV gold, because this man has never given an interview.
So 30 seconds, two minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, you know, no one has ever been able to do this. I just don't see him changing now as we pull up to his home in a cul-de-sac.
Listen, I'm happily wrong.
I will leave my shoe on Megan's camera. And be happily wrought. And be happily wrought.
No, I get it. But it's all about the engagement. Does he take the hook or not? It's the opening 10 seconds. If Megan doesn't hook him in 5 to 10 seconds, then there's nothing.
That's your call. You'll know.
And listen, we got the hidden camera, so we got multiple options.
All right, let's get moving. All right. We got to go.
You want to do initial talk or you want me to?
There was a very big story this year. It was in the front page of the New York Times. A woman, I forget her name, and she had done like it was a 10-year study, did not release it on purpose because she said it would weaponize the argument from the other side. So in other words, it came out not the way you wanted the study to come out. Not what you said. It is a mixed bag. That's true.
Some people, yes, it's the right thing. But to take that risk at that age before you know about anything, yes, sometimes it's pretty obvious. It's a very hard call to make. And again, this was a very long study, very thorough, and they wouldn't release it because it came out with the wrong conclusion.
You bastard. He's going to run in hell for what he did here tonight. Does he have no conscience? Does he have no heart? Does he have no soul?