Blair Socci
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
This is the low point. She pretends not to remember an American. Oh, let's see this. Let's see this. Pull it up.
This is the low point. She pretends not to remember an American. Oh, let's see this. Let's see this. Pull it up.
Here's a question. Why did Alec Baldwin, I understand coming in here once. Sure. Why seven times? Yeah. I mean, more than that, obviously. But like, why? He looks exhausted. Siete. Have you seen him lately?
Here's a question. Why did Alec Baldwin, I understand coming in here once. Sure. Why seven times? Yeah. I mean, more than that, obviously. But like, why? He looks exhausted. Siete. Have you seen him lately?
Of all the loads he shot, the worst ones have been in her.
Of all the loads he shot, the worst ones have been in her.
I didn't know who he was.
I didn't know who he was.
Imagine picking out that many matching pajama sets. That gives me anxiety.
Imagine picking out that many matching pajama sets. That gives me anxiety.
Are they still making Rust?
Are they still making Rust?
But yeah, marriage is tough. That's a great bit. He has some great ones, man.
But yeah, marriage is tough. That's a great bit. He has some great ones, man.
That's when you really need a two-camera shoot, though. Yeah. We saw.
That's when you really need a two-camera shoot, though. Yeah. We saw.
Check out Blair's special. And if you want to drink, we're more than happy to oblige you. Kyle wasn't drinking, so we weren't drinking, but I'm the bummer, I guess.
Check out Blair's special. And if you want to drink, we're more than happy to oblige you. Kyle wasn't drinking, so we weren't drinking, but I'm the bummer, I guess.
No, I'm the same way.
No, I'm the same way.
But you don't like get high during the day?
But you don't like get high during the day?
I got to get some of those for my girlfriend. Daddy brought it.
I got to get some of those for my girlfriend. Daddy brought it.
I get the weed hangover. I don't like it.
I get the weed hangover. I don't like it.
It's the only thing that works. Can you do the sleep therapist as Bill Maher? Okay, people. Do you really think pot helps you sleep?
It's the only thing that works. Can you do the sleep therapist as Bill Maher? Okay, people. Do you really think pot helps you sleep?
Yeah. I don't know. It's amazing that you're, like, with him for a whole vacation just picking up his mannerisms, and he doesn't know you.
Yeah. I don't know. It's amazing that you're, like, with him for a whole vacation just picking up his mannerisms, and he doesn't know you.
A lot of people, though, I'd see comics go up high. I'd be in awe of Big J, not just going up high, but he would do great crowd.
A lot of people, though, I'd see comics go up high. I'd be in awe of Big J, not just going up high, but he would do great crowd.
And I went on once high, and I was like, this is the worst set of my life. Of course. Yeah. I'm like, I feel the bomb.
And I went on once high, and I was like, this is the worst set of my life. Of course. Yeah. I'm like, I feel the bomb.
It sucks to bomb in places that give you peace in some sort of way. Because at a comedy club, you're like, all right, that's where that happens. But I did a gig at the Strand bookstore once and I'm like, I like coming here. And I fucking ate it. And I was like, you guys are ruining the store for me. This store makes me happy.
It sucks to bomb in places that give you peace in some sort of way. Because at a comedy club, you're like, all right, that's where that happens. But I did a gig at the Strand bookstore once and I'm like, I like coming here. And I fucking ate it. And I was like, you guys are ruining the store for me. This store makes me happy.
I would go the same way. I'd be like, if they're laughing at this shit. Yeah.
I would go the same way. I'd be like, if they're laughing at this shit. Yeah.
But it was corny shit they were laughing at.
But it was corny shit they were laughing at.
Look it up. I think there were murmurs of a me too. Okay, there we go. And let's be real. If you've got a cult and you're not taking advantage of them, are you really running a cult?
Look it up. I think there were murmurs of a me too. Okay, there we go. And let's be real. If you've got a cult and you're not taking advantage of them, are you really running a cult?
There we go. Look at that. Four more women accused Tony Robbins. Okay. All right.
There we go. Look at that. Four more women accused Tony Robbins. Okay. All right.
I did it for the women.
I did it for the women.
Right. Colin Quinn's got the best bomb story about the Robert De Niro birthday.
Right. Colin Quinn's got the best bomb story about the Robert De Niro birthday.
What did he... Because I remember it being hilarious, but I forget what he said about it. It was the worst set ever. He started trying to roast...
What did he... Because I remember it being hilarious, but I forget what he said about it. It was the worst set ever. He started trying to roast...
de niro and the lines are bombing yeah he's like oh fuck now and he's bombing in front of billy crystal who we always hated so it's just this long story of just bombing in front of everyone and he's a huge de niro guy obviously he's a you know he's a you know mean streets is like his favorite movie right i bombed famously at the vmas uh i was the warm-up for vmas it's not uh yeah
de niro and the lines are bombing yeah he's like oh fuck now and he's bombing in front of billy crystal who we always hated so it's just this long story of just bombing in front of everyone and he's a huge de niro guy obviously he's a you know he's a you know mean streets is like his favorite movie right i bombed famously at the vmas uh i was the warm-up for vmas it's not uh yeah
My friend Scott Rogowski was there for some reason, and he texts me. He goes, dude, Norman's doing stand-up here. And then like 10 minutes later, he texts me, he's fucking bombing.
My friend Scott Rogowski was there for some reason, and he texts me. He goes, dude, Norman's doing stand-up here. And then like 10 minutes later, he texts me, he's fucking bombing.
yeah that was a rough gig but i got paid yeah that's what it is you just like just get through it those there are get through it gigs yeah and that's what it is that was again but it does suck when it's like a hero yeah i just and then when i got off you you try to like i don't know find some
yeah that was a rough gig but i got paid yeah that's what it is you just like just get through it those there are get through it gigs yeah and that's what it is that was again but it does suck when it's like a hero yeah i just and then when i got off you you try to like i don't know find some
Oh, I've been there. It's a cool room.
Oh, I've been there. It's a cool room.
The big dog. Should we do some peeves? Oh.
The big dog. Should we do some peeves? Oh.
Hate it. Yeah, why?
Hate it. Yeah, why?
By the way, never a nice car.
By the way, never a nice car.
That's on the street too. People do on the street where they kind of just like kind of fight for the corner, you know, and you're like, no, no, no. I hate diagonal walkers.
That's on the street too. People do on the street where they kind of just like kind of fight for the corner, you know, and you're like, no, no, no. I hate diagonal walkers.
I had a guy go really fast horizontally through me.
I had a guy go really fast horizontally through me.
Dude, this really pissed me off today. I was just checking something on my phone. I made sure there wasn't anyone in the way. I hate the phone going quickly, but I looked down, and a guy puts his arm out to fake clothesline me. Whoa. I was like, ooh, what a motherfucker. Whoa. Yeah. The fake clothesline.
Dude, this really pissed me off today. I was just checking something on my phone. I made sure there wasn't anyone in the way. I hate the phone going quickly, but I looked down, and a guy puts his arm out to fake clothesline me. Whoa. I was like, ooh, what a motherfucker. Whoa. Yeah. The fake clothesline.
I just go, fuck. I just go, what the fuck? And he just walked away. He was clearly a crazy guy. He was smoking a cigarette. He looked ratty, but I still hit him with the what the fuck. You should have hung your coat on it.
I just go, fuck. I just go, what the fuck? And he just walked away. He was clearly a crazy guy. He was smoking a cigarette. He looked ratty, but I still hit him with the what the fuck. You should have hung your coat on it.
Still pisses me off.
Still pisses me off.
Oh, no. I got a New York walking one that you guys will probably appreciate. When it's raining and you're both walking towards each other and you're hugging the wall. Ah, the wall hug. Someone has to sort of give to walk in the rain. Mm-hmm. Whoever has no umbrella should get the wall. Okay. I think his scenario, no one has an umbrella. No one has neither. Someone has to give.
Oh, no. I got a New York walking one that you guys will probably appreciate. When it's raining and you're both walking towards each other and you're hugging the wall. Ah, the wall hug. Someone has to sort of give to walk in the rain. Mm-hmm. Whoever has no umbrella should get the wall. Okay. I think his scenario, no one has an umbrella. No one has neither. Someone has to give.
I hate the umbrella, like the slow walking umbrella guy. Yeah. Because I just never bring an umbrella.
I hate the umbrella, like the slow walking umbrella guy. Yeah. Because I just never bring an umbrella.
I love that he's trying to sell him on it after he said it. Yeah. Does he play it as well?
I love that he's trying to sell him on it after he said it. Yeah. Does he play it as well?
Can we get a Bill Maher whipping out his dick?
Can we get a Bill Maher whipping out his dick?
God, does everyone have to be on fucking podcasts now? I know. You're banging a prostitute. You think your story's safe. Then she's like, I'm starting a podcast. I'm going to talk about everyone I bang. I remember I hooked up with a woman in Spokane during the day we hooked up. Nice. And right after we had sex, she was like, I'm thinking of starting a podcast. I'm like, of course you are.
God, does everyone have to be on fucking podcasts now? I know. You're banging a prostitute. You think your story's safe. Then she's like, I'm starting a podcast. I'm going to talk about everyone I bang. I remember I hooked up with a woman in Spokane during the day we hooked up. Nice. And right after we had sex, she was like, I'm thinking of starting a podcast. I'm like, of course you are.
We didn't get any of the presidential hopefuls.
We didn't get any of the presidential hopefuls.
No, we didn't get. But you know. Buttigieg DM'd me. But you, RFK did fucking Tiger Belly. That's right.
No, we didn't get. But you know. Buttigieg DM'd me. But you, RFK did fucking Tiger Belly. That's right.
No, you have like a cue to avoid. It's feminine.
No, you have like a cue to avoid. It's feminine.
You do animation and stuff. Oh, cool. Don't you do kid shows? Yeah. Yeah. You hear RFK in a kid show. They're like, who hired Mr. Tracheotomy to do the new Rugrats?
You do animation and stuff. Oh, cool. Don't you do kid shows? Yeah. Yeah. You hear RFK in a kid show. They're like, who hired Mr. Tracheotomy to do the new Rugrats?
It seemed to bother him. So now go to Bill Maher reads to children.
It seemed to bother him. So now go to Bill Maher reads to children.
He's straining. What are other ones you've done that blew up? Mar, RFK.
He's straining. What are other ones you've done that blew up? Mar, RFK.
He's in those old Altman movies. He pops up for like one scene. He's in California Split for like a scene. He's in Nashville for like a second.
He's in those old Altman movies. He pops up for like one scene. He's in California Split for like a scene. He's in Nashville for like a second.
That's why it's funny.
That's why it's funny.
Who's the craziest people that reach out that are like, I love this? Seinfeld's a fan.
Who's the craziest people that reach out that are like, I love this? Seinfeld's a fan.
So funny. I saw some of the sketches online. They're great.
So funny. I saw some of the sketches online. They're great.
Did you see Dana Carvey's Biden?
Did you see Dana Carvey's Biden?
Did you see the guy where he... There's a guy online who is doing the answering questions the way Kamala answers questions. It's pretty funny. I don't know if that's enough to bring it up, but...
Did you see the guy where he... There's a guy online who is doing the answering questions the way Kamala answers questions. It's pretty funny. I don't know if that's enough to bring it up, but...
That's going to suck to be doing a life sentence. And then they're like, they made a show about you getting raped.
That's going to suck to be doing a life sentence. And then they're like, they made a show about you getting raped.
I think they're getting a new trial because one of the members of Minuto is going to come forward and say the father raped me because he was a music manager. Oh, really? That's the new evidence.
I think they're getting a new trial because one of the members of Minuto is going to come forward and say the father raped me because he was a music manager. Oh, really? That's the new evidence.
I feel like you got a good taste.
I feel like you got a good taste.
Yeah. My dad was fucking me. I think I should get to kill him. Yeah. In a decent world.
Yeah. My dad was fucking me. I think I should get to kill him. Yeah. In a decent world.
Yeah. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. I had him pull this. This is just like this old audio. Wait, this old audio from just how over they do it in old wrestling commentary. It's so fucking funny. Speaking of McMahon.
Yeah. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. I had him pull this. This is just like this old audio. Wait, this old audio from just how over they do it in old wrestling commentary. It's so fucking funny. Speaking of McMahon.
What the hell are we watching? He's the commentator. That's how he would call the matches.
What the hell are we watching? He's the commentator. That's how he would call the matches.
Just lose his mind.
Just lose his mind.
Oh, his son is like jumping off steel cages. Yeah. This isn't trailer trash. These are billionaires. What the fuck are you doing? Totally. His daughter's getting called a slut by the whole audience. It's also the only time he hugs his son is after he nearly-
Oh, his son is like jumping off steel cages. Yeah. This isn't trailer trash. These are billionaires. What the fuck are you doing? Totally. His daughter's getting called a slut by the whole audience. It's also the only time he hugs his son is after he nearly-
Yeah, she's a real one.
Yeah, she's a real one.
He's just writing these storylines where he's like, my wife will be in a wheelchair. I'll be making out with like all these young stars.
He's just writing these storylines where he's like, my wife will be in a wheelchair. I'll be making out with like all these young stars.
They make out in front of her. I mean, it's fucking wild. And the crowd's booing, of course. And then, of course, they write in that she gets the last laugh in a match. But it's like he did get to just cheat on her for a while. You're right. All right, Kyle. Study this one.
They make out in front of her. I mean, it's fucking wild. And the crowd's booing, of course. And then, of course, they write in that she gets the last laugh in a match. But it's like he did get to just cheat on her for a while. You're right. All right, Kyle. Study this one.
Well, the best is when he gets Me Too'd, and that night they have a live event, and they're like, yeah, well, he's not going to show up. And he just comes out to raucous applause.
Well, the best is when he gets Me Too'd, and that night they have a live event, and they're like, yeah, well, he's not going to show up. And he just comes out to raucous applause.
Because the lines are blurred. That seems right.
Because the lines are blurred. That seems right.
They did it all. Did you see Trump when he came back to that same town where he got shot, his first line when he came back on stage? What did he say? Where was I? Oh, that's pretty good. That's a good line.
They did it all. Did you see Trump when he came back to that same town where he got shot, his first line when he came back on stage? What did he say? Where was I? Oh, that's pretty good. That's a good line.
That's pretty good. So terrific. Well, that's like you ever see, I think this is on George Carlin's tombstone. It just says he was here a moment ago. Ooh. He's been to that Hollywood cemetery. It's so cool. Like all those old, like Mel Blanc, it's like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, it's crazy. I think Merv Griffin is, I won't be right back.
That's pretty good. So terrific. Well, that's like you ever see, I think this is on George Carlin's tombstone. It just says he was here a moment ago. Ooh. He's been to that Hollywood cemetery. It's so cool. Like all those old, like Mel Blanc, it's like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, it's crazy. I think Merv Griffin is, I won't be right back.
Oh, clever. Who said that? Merv Griffin, I think. That's on his tombstone. That'd be good for him. Let's get tombstones for you guys.
Oh, clever. Who said that? Merv Griffin, I think. That's on his tombstone. That'd be good for him. Let's get tombstones for you guys.
It was a lady who was getting the pills. Yeah.
It was a lady who was getting the pills. Yeah.
It's not a Lucy cigarette. You can't just have one pill.
It's not a Lucy cigarette. You can't just have one pill.
Thank you. Yeah. One pill?
Thank you. Yeah. One pill?
And they're like, bang, bang, bang. Right. Yeah. You have to respond.
And they're like, bang, bang, bang. Right. Yeah. You have to respond.
Matthew Perry paid the doctors about $55,000 in cash in the two months before his death. Estrada said two of the people, including one of the doctors charged, were arrested Thursday. Estrada said two of the defendants, including Ayahuasca, I don't know what the fuck her name is, have pleaded guilty to charges already, and a third person has agreed to plead guilty. Jesus. That's so sad.
Matthew Perry paid the doctors about $55,000 in cash in the two months before his death. Estrada said two of the people, including one of the doctors charged, were arrested Thursday. Estrada said two of the defendants, including Ayahuasca, I don't know what the fuck her name is, have pleaded guilty to charges already, and a third person has agreed to plead guilty. Jesus. That's so sad.
$55,000 in cash. It's just like, it's just sad how shady it is.
$55,000 in cash. It's just like, it's just sad how shady it is.
Boy, oh boy. Who directed this, Sally? Look, I did the Batman movie we trashed and everyone hated us for.
Boy, oh boy. Who directed this, Sally? Look, I did the Batman movie we trashed and everyone hated us for.
It's a little bit like late season Tony Soprano. It's very Soprano.
It's a little bit like late season Tony Soprano. It's very Soprano.
Oh, really? That's awkward. It did suck for the kid with the hot mom.
Oh, really? That's awkward. It did suck for the kid with the hot mom.
That was a tough. Thank you.
That was a tough. Thank you.
Eight women a night? Yeah.
Eight women a night? Yeah.
That is fucking crazy. Adam West, who knew? He's lying, though. I kind of don't like when people inflate the numbers like that because you know it's bullshit.
That is fucking crazy. Adam West, who knew? He's lying, though. I kind of don't like when people inflate the numbers like that because you know it's bullshit.
Wait, do it as Bill Maher, though.
Wait, do it as Bill Maher, though.
This was big. This is big back then. This is a huge ripped dude. Yeah, it's true. Man, that must have been awesome. You just didn't have to do that much. And women were like, that guy's shredded. I know.
This was big. This is big back then. This is a huge ripped dude. Yeah, it's true. Man, that must have been awesome. You just didn't have to do that much. And women were like, that guy's shredded. I know.
Well, I'm just saying. It was a better time is what I'm trying to say.
Well, I'm just saying. It was a better time is what I'm trying to say.
I haven't seen a lot of Jews in the NBA since they let black people in. That's true. Dolph Shays. That was our last.
I haven't seen a lot of Jews in the NBA since they let black people in. That's true. Dolph Shays. That was our last.
His offense is giving me a lot of anxiety.
His offense is giving me a lot of anxiety.
Could you do Woody? I mean, that's Woody, basically.
Could you do Woody? I mean, that's Woody, basically.
No. Well, yes, but we don't care. What are the chances this guy's name was Adolph?
No. Well, yes, but we don't care. What are the chances this guy's name was Adolph?
Good point. I'm at a computer here. Shorten it to Adolph. Yeah. Adolph Shays. Oh, Bronx.
Good point. I'm at a computer here. Shorten it to Adolph. Yeah. Adolph Shays. Oh, Bronx.
I was close. You got to change it up after.
I was close. You got to change it up after.
What? All of a sudden, you're like, Adolf! He's like, nah, it's not. We don't do that anymore.
What? All of a sudden, you're like, Adolf! He's like, nah, it's not. We don't do that anymore.
He's saying JFK Jr.
He's saying JFK Jr.
I'm not asking if you want to fuck 70-year-olds.
I'm not asking if you want to fuck 70-year-olds.
Hey, look at this man.
Hey, look at this man.
Jesus, Grandpa, what the hell? I don't know. What is he on, then? Hulu? Okay, those are two. Do you have a third?
Jesus, Grandpa, what the hell? I don't know. What is he on, then? Hulu? Okay, those are two. Do you have a third?
He knows there's a camera there.
He knows there's a camera there.
And they kind of have Kim Jong-un's haircut, too.
And they kind of have Kim Jong-un's haircut, too.
What is with that headshot, by the way? You look like a mentalist. This is terrible.
What is with that headshot, by the way? You look like a mentalist. This is terrible.
Agreed. You know? Yeah, and also, if you can handle a crocodile, you can handle a little mental illness in a woman.
Agreed. You know? Yeah, and also, if you can handle a crocodile, you can handle a little mental illness in a woman.
Yeah. Thank you. Jeremy Dufresne. Hey, Mark and I did an interview for Bodega K yesterday, and this guy would not stop pouring us booze. I know. I was like, I had like four or five before I went on stage.
Yeah. Thank you. Jeremy Dufresne. Hey, Mark and I did an interview for Bodega K yesterday, and this guy would not stop pouring us booze. I know. I was like, I had like four or five before I went on stage.
I was like, yeah, cool. I have to run an hour.
I was like, yeah, cool. I have to run an hour.
I got really cool feet. You got bad feet? I have a good Wiki feed. I got like a monkey's feet. Oh, let's see Blair's.
I got really cool feet. You got bad feet? I have a good Wiki feed. I got like a monkey's feet. Oh, let's see Blair's.
Oh. Oh, that's Blair?
Oh. Oh, that's Blair?
Very nice feat, Blair. I know. What was that? Look at that.
Very nice feat, Blair. I know. What was that? Look at that.
Match the head. I thought it was going to be feet pics. To be fair, I looked him up first.
Match the head. I thought it was going to be feet pics. To be fair, I looked him up first.
Queens, Texas. What are the others? So you do RFK. That's a great one.
Queens, Texas. What are the others? So you do RFK. That's a great one.
Mark, what's that Louis joke about I wish you really went for it last night?
Mark, what's that Louis joke about I wish you really went for it last night?
No, he started going like, what are you out of your fucking mind?
No, he started going like, what are you out of your fucking mind?
Yeah. Guys, you've been on a lot of bad dates where, like, they'll just go for it.
Yeah. Guys, you've been on a lot of bad dates where, like, they'll just go for it.
Yeah. Ooh, that's tough. That's pretty cool, though. That's good to know, the women who are just polite out there. Oh, yeah. So if you're a creep, just go for it.
Yeah. Ooh, that's tough. That's pretty cool, though. That's good to know, the women who are just polite out there. Oh, yeah. So if you're a creep, just go for it.
If I like someone, I'm like, I don't want to sleep with them. Oh, yeah. It's scary. Yeah. If I don't like someone, I'm like, we got to make this happen tonight. Right, right, right. Oh, yeah. This is like 24 is a ticking time.
If I like someone, I'm like, I don't want to sleep with them. Oh, yeah. It's scary. Yeah. If I don't like someone, I'm like, we got to make this happen tonight. Right, right, right. Oh, yeah. This is like 24 is a ticking time.
I know. You think the guys expect sex at the end of the dinner date?
I know. You think the guys expect sex at the end of the dinner date?
I don't think I've never not picked up the... I always pick it up. I don't think there's ever been a time, even if I'm like never again, I'm like, well, I don't want them to be like he was a... I know.
I don't think I've never not picked up the... I always pick it up. I don't think there's ever been a time, even if I'm like never again, I'm like, well, I don't want them to be like he was a... I know.
The dinner thing, if you're not, I've done it for the first date, and if you're not vibing. No. It's a lifetime. That's a long time.
The dinner thing, if you're not, I've done it for the first date, and if you're not vibing. No. It's a lifetime. That's a long time.
First date, the show, just with the other comics, it was annoying.
First date, the show, just with the other comics, it was annoying.
You almost don't want to bring them back after a hot set. You're not going to do... That's true. I shouldn't have done it.
You almost don't want to bring them back after a hot set. You're not going to do... That's true. I shouldn't have done it.
This is a great... Yeah, that's fair. Go ahead, Sal.
This is a great... Yeah, that's fair. Go ahead, Sal.
Cashier. You take money.
Cashier. You take money.
You ever heard of David Spade's bit about how this girl he would just keep. Yes. So funny. Yes. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I just don't really check my phone a lot. And then he's on a date with her the whole dinner. She's like.
You ever heard of David Spade's bit about how this girl he would just keep. Yes. So funny. Yes. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I just don't really check my phone a lot. And then he's on a date with her the whole dinner. She's like.
Seems like you picked it up.
Seems like you picked it up.
I'm not good at texting. Any bits? We do a thing where we. Bits you're working on and then you. Oh, my God. I love you. You guys are great.
I'm not good at texting. Any bits? We do a thing where we. Bits you're working on and then you. Oh, my God. I love you. You guys are great.
Right. If you want, if you want, if you try to pet one, you could get fired from your job.
Right. If you want, if you want, if you try to pet one, you could get fired from your job.
Maybe money hanging out of your shirt. Maybe money is the move.
Maybe money hanging out of your shirt. Maybe money is the move.
Yeah. Because, yeah, exactly. It's not the same. Like a guy's dick peeking out. Women are like, what are you, homeless? It's not the same. It's not a good thing. Right. But the money thing is funny. Maybe it's money bags.
Yeah. Because, yeah, exactly. It's not the same. Like a guy's dick peeking out. Women are like, what are you, homeless? It's not the same. It's not a good thing. Right. But the money thing is funny. Maybe it's money bags.
Yeah. Did you say homeowner? All right. Maybe we'll try to change with more money. Yeah. This is great for the listeners.
Yeah. Did you say homeowner? All right. Maybe we'll try to change with more money. Yeah. This is great for the listeners.
We'll tell them after the show. Yeah, Blair, do you have one?
We'll tell them after the show. Yeah, Blair, do you have one?
It's also hilarious that he's – was he still running for president when he went on Roseanne's pod?
It's also hilarious that he's – was he still running for president when he went on Roseanne's pod?
yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like nah nah he's just he's doing that's what he does yeah it was devastating yeah and you were paying him and he hit on you no he hit on another lady no but he hit on her too oh he did hit on you oh so he's just trying to he also listens to podcasts so he's probably gonna hear this that's alright that is a scrimmage you're still seeing him after he hit on you
yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like nah nah he's just he's doing that's what he does yeah it was devastating yeah and you were paying him and he hit on you no he hit on another lady no but he hit on her too oh he did hit on you oh so he's just trying to he also listens to podcasts so he's probably gonna hear this that's alright that is a scrimmage you're still seeing him after he hit on you
Did you think about it?
Did you think about it?
There are other trainers in L.A.
There are other trainers in L.A.
Oh, he gives you a deal.
Oh, he gives you a deal.
And you heard him hit on someone else.
And you heard him hit on someone else.
I'm trying to think of the stripper parallels, like, yeah, you can't touch, stuff like that.
I'm trying to think of the stripper parallels, like, yeah, you can't touch, stuff like that.
Yeah, yeah. How about a parallel between names of strip clubs and names of gyms?
Yeah, yeah. How about a parallel between names of strip clubs and names of gyms?
Mark, you had one at lunch. Well, hold on one second.
Mark, you had one at lunch. Well, hold on one second.
There's something else on here.
There's something else on here.
Well, there's something funny about, like, where do you, you know, you're supposed to, like, work out when you're down. Like, where do you go to get over a fucking.
Well, there's something funny about, like, where do you, you know, you're supposed to, like, work out when you're down. Like, where do you go to get over a fucking.
Yeah, there's something there for sure. That's funny. For yours, we were just saying, you know, like instead of the puppies, maybe money in the shirt.
Yeah, there's something there for sure. That's funny. For yours, we were just saying, you know, like instead of the puppies, maybe money in the shirt.
Or in the pockets popping out because you were like, you're like ladies. That's the woman. Eyes up here. That's the woman.
Or in the pockets popping out because you were like, you're like ladies. That's the woman. Eyes up here. That's the woman.
The difference between non-discriminate was who I would let touch my puppies. Right, right.
The difference between non-discriminate was who I would let touch my puppies. Right, right.
I love that all the shit she's tortured you with is coming in handy.
I love that all the shit she's tortured you with is coming in handy.
She's using it on someone who's working on the house. Yes, yes. Maybe there's another thing she does to you that could like, you know.
She's using it on someone who's working on the house. Yes, yes. Maybe there's another thing she does to you that could like, you know.
Another way she could like, you know. Yeah. What if she has puppies in her bra?
Another way she could like, you know. Yeah. What if she has puppies in her bra?
Maybe the guy starts going back at her and she goes, I don't like your tone. You turn to him like, you're not going to win this, buddy.
Maybe the guy starts going back at her and she goes, I don't like your tone. You turn to him like, you're not going to win this, buddy.
I got a couple that are done. The one that's like, I don't really know where to go with. It's like a story about Gary and me on the road and we were on a tiny plane and this woman just took my seat and Gary and I were sitting together and I was like, oh, that's my seat. And she goes, no, I'm sitting here. And I was like, oh no, I have it like right here. I have the ticket right here.
I got a couple that are done. The one that's like, I don't really know where to go with. It's like a story about Gary and me on the road and we were on a tiny plane and this woman just took my seat and Gary and I were sitting together and I was like, oh, that's my seat. And she goes, no, I'm sitting here. And I was like, oh no, I have it like right here. I have the ticket right here.
And she goes, this is my seat. It was like a 40 minute flight. Fuck it, I'll just sit in front. So the plane starts like, it's the worst flight I've ever been on. It's a tiny plane. It starts going down. It was terrifying. I was like, fuck, Gary and I look at each other like, holy shit. And she just starts going.
And she goes, this is my seat. It was like a 40 minute flight. Fuck it, I'll just sit in front. So the plane starts like, it's the worst flight I've ever been on. It's a tiny plane. It starts going down. It was terrifying. I was like, fuck, Gary and I look at each other like, holy shit. And she just starts going.
And without hesitation, Gary and I just turned at her and started pointing and laughing at her. And it was like this thing where I was like, oh, my God. We were so happy she was miserable. We forgot it was going to kill us. That's great. And then I want to do something about like how – like the idea of like, if we did die, like, you know, getting a heaven, like they, they screen your like last.
And without hesitation, Gary and I just turned at her and started pointing and laughing at her. And it was like this thing where I was like, oh, my God. We were so happy she was miserable. We forgot it was going to kill us. That's great. And then I want to do something about like how – like the idea of like, if we did die, like, you know, getting a heaven, like they, they screen your like last.
Oh yeah. They like, they screen your last like hour. He's like, he's like, let me see. So how did you spend your last time? And she's like, you know, something like, oh, I, and he's like, you took this guy's seat? Fucking bitch, you have to go to hell. And she, and she just screams or something like that. Yeah. Then something about like screening my last hour and they're like, you just mocked.
Oh yeah. They like, they screen your last like hour. He's like, he's like, let me see. So how did you spend your last time? And she's like, you know, something like, oh, I, and he's like, you took this guy's seat? Fucking bitch, you have to go to hell. And she, and she just screams or something like that. Yeah. Then something about like screening my last hour and they're like, you just mocked.
You just mocked a woman. A woman in terror? Yeah, you mocked a woman. You were good until you gave her the seat. Right. And then you just mocked. I don't really know where to go with this is my point.
You just mocked a woman. A woman in terror? Yeah, you mocked a woman. You were good until you gave her the seat. Right. And then you just mocked. I don't really know where to go with this is my point.
I have a joke I thought I could maybe do. This might be too disgusting. I have a joke about coming to my sink.
I have a joke I thought I could maybe do. This might be too disgusting. I have a joke about coming to my sink.
i know that you've heard that one yeah and i thought maybe a guy could be like running the footage and he's like yeah here you are giving a seat to a woman that's very nice like and there you are in the cabin back oh it's a good callback i mean in a sink and i'm just like yeah but like that could i could use but i don't want that to be the whole bit but that might work yeah you were going to be in the pre-check line and then you got moved but i got moved oh yeah oh we gotta yeah
i know that you've heard that one yeah and i thought maybe a guy could be like running the footage and he's like yeah here you are giving a seat to a woman that's very nice like and there you are in the cabin back oh it's a good callback i mean in a sink and i'm just like yeah but like that could i could use but i don't want that to be the whole bit but that might work yeah you were going to be in the pre-check line and then you got moved but i got moved oh yeah oh we gotta yeah
This is a tough one.
This is a tough one.
It could be funny if he sends us all to hell, and it's a scary-ass flight, and she starts screaming again. Oh, yeah. That's her hell. But that's not... Yeah, that's not enough. I don't know.
It could be funny if he sends us all to hell, and it's a scary-ass flight, and she starts screaming again. Oh, yeah. That's her hell. But that's not... Yeah, that's not enough. I don't know.
I'll crack this at the clubs.
I'll crack this at the clubs.
Yeah, I feel a little stuck with it.
Yeah, I feel a little stuck with it.
Mine sucks. Mine sucks. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what you're saying.
Mine sucks. Mine sucks. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what you're saying.
It could be funny being like, you know, my legs are so, it sucks that like I walk and things work and I have, and they have basically the same look as FDR, you know?
It could be funny being like, you know, my legs are so, it sucks that like I walk and things work and I have, and they have basically the same look as FDR, you know?
Yeah, I think I am, actually.
Yeah, I think I am, actually.
I got Hilarity's November 21st through 23rd, but then we're starting the bus tour in February, so literally going everywhere. So we got- Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, like 45 cities.
I got Hilarity's November 21st through 23rd, but then we're starting the bus tour in February, so literally going everywhere. So we got- Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, like 45 cities.
So just go to the website, punchup.live.com. Oh, man. That was the boost I needed right there. I'm literally coming everywhere. So just that's Segura's tour name. I wish that was my fucking tour. I know, he nailed it. Mine is the errors tour, but I'm coming everywhere is the best fucking tour name.
So just go to the website, punchup.live.com. Oh, man. That was the boost I needed right there. I'm literally coming everywhere. So just that's Segura's tour name. I wish that was my fucking tour. I know, he nailed it. Mine is the errors tour, but I'm coming everywhere is the best fucking tour name.
The gig will be canceled. All right.
The gig will be canceled. All right.
We should do something for them.
We should do something for them.
Follow us on punchup.live slash just our names and see you all on the road. And really, Punch Up is doing something cool right now. Yes. These ticket companies are really fucking you guys and us. Oh, yeah.
Follow us on punchup.live slash just our names and see you all on the road. And really, Punch Up is doing something cool right now. Yes. These ticket companies are really fucking you guys and us. Oh, yeah.
these crazy fees for you guys we're obviously not seeing that and uh you know we don't want you to pay that so that's why we're trying to build email lists make this a little easier but uh yeah punch up dot live slash our names and uh drink bodega cat we're fucking everywhere right now florida texas new york new jersey kentucky rhode island georgia uh california yes uh all over we just got in like 15 new comedy clubs so look around
these crazy fees for you guys we're obviously not seeing that and uh you know we don't want you to pay that so that's why we're trying to build email lists make this a little easier but uh yeah punch up dot live slash our names and uh drink bodega cat we're fucking everywhere right now florida texas new york new jersey kentucky rhode island georgia uh california yes uh all over we just got in like 15 new comedy clubs so look around
We love you all for doing that. And bodegacatwhiskey.com if you want to order a bottle, but also just the Instagram of bodegacatwhiskey. You could DM and our guy Matt handles that and he'll, if you want us in your liquor store, your restaurant or bar, we'll make it happen. Yes, we'll connect you.
We love you all for doing that. And bodegacatwhiskey.com if you want to order a bottle, but also just the Instagram of bodegacatwhiskey. You could DM and our guy Matt handles that and he'll, if you want us in your liquor store, your restaurant or bar, we'll make it happen. Yes, we'll connect you.
See both these people on tour, watch their stuff, watch Blair's new special, watch Kyle's, all these new characters you're doing. Oh, killer. Thank you guys. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Fun app.
See both these people on tour, watch their stuff, watch Blair's new special, watch Kyle's, all these new characters you're doing. Oh, killer. Thank you guys. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Fun app.
Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction.
Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction.
That's almost more intense than Christopher Reeves before and after.
That's almost more intense than Christopher Reeves before and after.
The second thing you said about him was the thing that killed him. All right. He couldn't swim either. Whitney Houston, she can draw a bath.
The second thing you said about him was the thing that killed him. All right. He couldn't swim either. Whitney Houston, she can draw a bath.
Kind of looks like a non-Italian Moltisanti, a little bit.
Kind of looks like a non-Italian Moltisanti, a little bit.
World War II and stuff.
World War II and stuff.
Yeah, who else? You do Caitlyn Jenner.
Yeah, who else? You do Caitlyn Jenner.
People forget about that car crash, but yeah. You do a lot of people who have killed people. Ha, ha, ha. Can you do Alec Baldwin?
People forget about that car crash, but yeah. You do a lot of people who have killed people. Ha, ha, ha. Can you do Alec Baldwin?
Oh, really? By the way, you can tell Rogan loves his impression of you. Oh, yeah. This is the top of the show, too. This is when he first got on. Is it?
Oh, really? By the way, you can tell Rogan loves his impression of you. Oh, yeah. This is the top of the show, too. This is when he first got on. Is it?
Do you think Baldwin or RFK have seen this?
Do you think Baldwin or RFK have seen this?
This is the low point. She pretends not to remember an American. Oh, let's see this. Let's see this. Pull it up.
Here's a question. Why did Alec Baldwin, I understand coming in here once. Sure. Why seven times? Yeah. I mean, more than that, obviously. But like, why? He looks exhausted. Siete. Have you seen him lately?
Of all the loads he shot, the worst ones have been in her.
I didn't know who he was.
Imagine picking out that many matching pajama sets. That gives me anxiety.
Are they still making Rust?
But yeah, marriage is tough. That's a great bit. He has some great ones, man.
That's when you really need a two-camera shoot, though. Yeah. We saw.
Check out Blair's special. And if you want to drink, we're more than happy to oblige you. Kyle wasn't drinking, so we weren't drinking, but I'm the bummer, I guess.
No, I'm the same way.
But you don't like get high during the day?
I got to get some of those for my girlfriend. Daddy brought it.
I get the weed hangover. I don't like it.
It's the only thing that works. Can you do the sleep therapist as Bill Maher? Okay, people. Do you really think pot helps you sleep?
Yeah. I don't know. It's amazing that you're, like, with him for a whole vacation just picking up his mannerisms, and he doesn't know you.
A lot of people, though, I'd see comics go up high. I'd be in awe of Big J, not just going up high, but he would do great crowd.
And I went on once high, and I was like, this is the worst set of my life. Of course. Yeah. I'm like, I feel the bomb.
It sucks to bomb in places that give you peace in some sort of way. Because at a comedy club, you're like, all right, that's where that happens. But I did a gig at the Strand bookstore once and I'm like, I like coming here. And I fucking ate it. And I was like, you guys are ruining the store for me. This store makes me happy.
I would go the same way. I'd be like, if they're laughing at this shit. Yeah.
But it was corny shit they were laughing at.
Look it up. I think there were murmurs of a me too. Okay, there we go. And let's be real. If you've got a cult and you're not taking advantage of them, are you really running a cult?
There we go. Look at that. Four more women accused Tony Robbins. Okay. All right.
I did it for the women.
Right. Colin Quinn's got the best bomb story about the Robert De Niro birthday.
What did he... Because I remember it being hilarious, but I forget what he said about it. It was the worst set ever. He started trying to roast...
de niro and the lines are bombing yeah he's like oh fuck now and he's bombing in front of billy crystal who we always hated so it's just this long story of just bombing in front of everyone and he's a huge de niro guy obviously he's a you know he's a you know mean streets is like his favorite movie right i bombed famously at the vmas uh i was the warm-up for vmas it's not uh yeah
My friend Scott Rogowski was there for some reason, and he texts me. He goes, dude, Norman's doing stand-up here. And then like 10 minutes later, he texts me, he's fucking bombing.
yeah that was a rough gig but i got paid yeah that's what it is you just like just get through it those there are get through it gigs yeah and that's what it is that was again but it does suck when it's like a hero yeah i just and then when i got off you you try to like i don't know find some
Oh, I've been there. It's a cool room.
The big dog. Should we do some peeves? Oh.
Hate it. Yeah, why?
By the way, never a nice car.
That's on the street too. People do on the street where they kind of just like kind of fight for the corner, you know, and you're like, no, no, no. I hate diagonal walkers.
I had a guy go really fast horizontally through me.
Dude, this really pissed me off today. I was just checking something on my phone. I made sure there wasn't anyone in the way. I hate the phone going quickly, but I looked down, and a guy puts his arm out to fake clothesline me. Whoa. I was like, ooh, what a motherfucker. Whoa. Yeah. The fake clothesline.
I just go, fuck. I just go, what the fuck? And he just walked away. He was clearly a crazy guy. He was smoking a cigarette. He looked ratty, but I still hit him with the what the fuck. You should have hung your coat on it.
Still pisses me off.
Oh, no. I got a New York walking one that you guys will probably appreciate. When it's raining and you're both walking towards each other and you're hugging the wall. Ah, the wall hug. Someone has to sort of give to walk in the rain. Mm-hmm. Whoever has no umbrella should get the wall. Okay. I think his scenario, no one has an umbrella. No one has neither. Someone has to give.
I hate the umbrella, like the slow walking umbrella guy. Yeah. Because I just never bring an umbrella.
I love that he's trying to sell him on it after he said it. Yeah. Does he play it as well?
Can we get a Bill Maher whipping out his dick?
God, does everyone have to be on fucking podcasts now? I know. You're banging a prostitute. You think your story's safe. Then she's like, I'm starting a podcast. I'm going to talk about everyone I bang. I remember I hooked up with a woman in Spokane during the day we hooked up. Nice. And right after we had sex, she was like, I'm thinking of starting a podcast. I'm like, of course you are.
We didn't get any of the presidential hopefuls.
No, we didn't get. But you know. Buttigieg DM'd me. But you, RFK did fucking Tiger Belly. That's right.
No, you have like a cue to avoid. It's feminine.
You do animation and stuff. Oh, cool. Don't you do kid shows? Yeah. Yeah. You hear RFK in a kid show. They're like, who hired Mr. Tracheotomy to do the new Rugrats?
It seemed to bother him. So now go to Bill Maher reads to children.
He's straining. What are other ones you've done that blew up? Mar, RFK.
He's in those old Altman movies. He pops up for like one scene. He's in California Split for like a scene. He's in Nashville for like a second.
That's why it's funny.
Who's the craziest people that reach out that are like, I love this? Seinfeld's a fan.
So funny. I saw some of the sketches online. They're great.
Did you see Dana Carvey's Biden?
Did you see the guy where he... There's a guy online who is doing the answering questions the way Kamala answers questions. It's pretty funny. I don't know if that's enough to bring it up, but...
That's going to suck to be doing a life sentence. And then they're like, they made a show about you getting raped.
I think they're getting a new trial because one of the members of Minuto is going to come forward and say the father raped me because he was a music manager. Oh, really? That's the new evidence.
I feel like you got a good taste.
Yeah. My dad was fucking me. I think I should get to kill him. Yeah. In a decent world.
Yeah. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. I had him pull this. This is just like this old audio. Wait, this old audio from just how over they do it in old wrestling commentary. It's so fucking funny. Speaking of McMahon.
What the hell are we watching? He's the commentator. That's how he would call the matches.
Just lose his mind.
Oh, his son is like jumping off steel cages. Yeah. This isn't trailer trash. These are billionaires. What the fuck are you doing? Totally. His daughter's getting called a slut by the whole audience. It's also the only time he hugs his son is after he nearly-
Yeah, she's a real one.
He's just writing these storylines where he's like, my wife will be in a wheelchair. I'll be making out with like all these young stars.
They make out in front of her. I mean, it's fucking wild. And the crowd's booing, of course. And then, of course, they write in that she gets the last laugh in a match. But it's like he did get to just cheat on her for a while. You're right. All right, Kyle. Study this one.
Well, the best is when he gets Me Too'd, and that night they have a live event, and they're like, yeah, well, he's not going to show up. And he just comes out to raucous applause.
Because the lines are blurred. That seems right.
They did it all. Did you see Trump when he came back to that same town where he got shot, his first line when he came back on stage? What did he say? Where was I? Oh, that's pretty good. That's a good line.
That's pretty good. So terrific. Well, that's like you ever see, I think this is on George Carlin's tombstone. It just says he was here a moment ago. Ooh. He's been to that Hollywood cemetery. It's so cool. Like all those old, like Mel Blanc, it's like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, it's crazy. I think Merv Griffin is, I won't be right back.
Oh, clever. Who said that? Merv Griffin, I think. That's on his tombstone. That'd be good for him. Let's get tombstones for you guys.
It was a lady who was getting the pills. Yeah.
It's not a Lucy cigarette. You can't just have one pill.
Thank you. Yeah. One pill?
And they're like, bang, bang, bang. Right. Yeah. You have to respond.
Matthew Perry paid the doctors about $55,000 in cash in the two months before his death. Estrada said two of the people, including one of the doctors charged, were arrested Thursday. Estrada said two of the defendants, including Ayahuasca, I don't know what the fuck her name is, have pleaded guilty to charges already, and a third person has agreed to plead guilty. Jesus. That's so sad.
$55,000 in cash. It's just like, it's just sad how shady it is.
Boy, oh boy. Who directed this, Sally? Look, I did the Batman movie we trashed and everyone hated us for.
It's a little bit like late season Tony Soprano. It's very Soprano.
Oh, really? That's awkward. It did suck for the kid with the hot mom.
That was a tough. Thank you.
Eight women a night? Yeah.
That is fucking crazy. Adam West, who knew? He's lying, though. I kind of don't like when people inflate the numbers like that because you know it's bullshit.
Wait, do it as Bill Maher, though.
This was big. This is big back then. This is a huge ripped dude. Yeah, it's true. Man, that must have been awesome. You just didn't have to do that much. And women were like, that guy's shredded. I know.
Well, I'm just saying. It was a better time is what I'm trying to say.
I haven't seen a lot of Jews in the NBA since they let black people in. That's true. Dolph Shays. That was our last.
His offense is giving me a lot of anxiety.
Could you do Woody? I mean, that's Woody, basically.
No. Well, yes, but we don't care. What are the chances this guy's name was Adolph?
Good point. I'm at a computer here. Shorten it to Adolph. Yeah. Adolph Shays. Oh, Bronx.
I was close. You got to change it up after.
What? All of a sudden, you're like, Adolf! He's like, nah, it's not. We don't do that anymore.
He's saying JFK Jr.
I'm not asking if you want to fuck 70-year-olds.
Hey, look at this man.
Jesus, Grandpa, what the hell? I don't know. What is he on, then? Hulu? Okay, those are two. Do you have a third?
He knows there's a camera there.
And they kind of have Kim Jong-un's haircut, too.
What is with that headshot, by the way? You look like a mentalist. This is terrible.
Agreed. You know? Yeah, and also, if you can handle a crocodile, you can handle a little mental illness in a woman.
Yeah. Thank you. Jeremy Dufresne. Hey, Mark and I did an interview for Bodega K yesterday, and this guy would not stop pouring us booze. I know. I was like, I had like four or five before I went on stage.
I was like, yeah, cool. I have to run an hour.
I got really cool feet. You got bad feet? I have a good Wiki feed. I got like a monkey's feet. Oh, let's see Blair's.
Oh. Oh, that's Blair?
Very nice feat, Blair. I know. What was that? Look at that.
Match the head. I thought it was going to be feet pics. To be fair, I looked him up first.
Queens, Texas. What are the others? So you do RFK. That's a great one.
Mark, what's that Louis joke about I wish you really went for it last night?
No, he started going like, what are you out of your fucking mind?
Yeah. Guys, you've been on a lot of bad dates where, like, they'll just go for it.
Yeah. Ooh, that's tough. That's pretty cool, though. That's good to know, the women who are just polite out there. Oh, yeah. So if you're a creep, just go for it.
If I like someone, I'm like, I don't want to sleep with them. Oh, yeah. It's scary. Yeah. If I don't like someone, I'm like, we got to make this happen tonight. Right, right, right. Oh, yeah. This is like 24 is a ticking time.
I know. You think the guys expect sex at the end of the dinner date?
I don't think I've never not picked up the... I always pick it up. I don't think there's ever been a time, even if I'm like never again, I'm like, well, I don't want them to be like he was a... I know.
The dinner thing, if you're not, I've done it for the first date, and if you're not vibing. No. It's a lifetime. That's a long time.
First date, the show, just with the other comics, it was annoying.
You almost don't want to bring them back after a hot set. You're not going to do... That's true. I shouldn't have done it.
This is a great... Yeah, that's fair. Go ahead, Sal.
Cashier. You take money.
You ever heard of David Spade's bit about how this girl he would just keep. Yes. So funny. Yes. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I just don't really check my phone a lot. And then he's on a date with her the whole dinner. She's like.
Seems like you picked it up.
I'm not good at texting. Any bits? We do a thing where we. Bits you're working on and then you. Oh, my God. I love you. You guys are great.
Right. If you want, if you want, if you try to pet one, you could get fired from your job.
Maybe money hanging out of your shirt. Maybe money is the move.
Yeah. Because, yeah, exactly. It's not the same. Like a guy's dick peeking out. Women are like, what are you, homeless? It's not the same. It's not a good thing. Right. But the money thing is funny. Maybe it's money bags.
Yeah. Did you say homeowner? All right. Maybe we'll try to change with more money. Yeah. This is great for the listeners.
We'll tell them after the show. Yeah, Blair, do you have one?
It's also hilarious that he's – was he still running for president when he went on Roseanne's pod?
yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like nah nah he's just he's doing that's what he does yeah it was devastating yeah and you were paying him and he hit on you no he hit on another lady no but he hit on her too oh he did hit on you oh so he's just trying to he also listens to podcasts so he's probably gonna hear this that's alright that is a scrimmage you're still seeing him after he hit on you
Did you think about it?
There are other trainers in L.A.
Oh, he gives you a deal.
And you heard him hit on someone else.
I'm trying to think of the stripper parallels, like, yeah, you can't touch, stuff like that.
Yeah, yeah. How about a parallel between names of strip clubs and names of gyms?
Mark, you had one at lunch. Well, hold on one second.
There's something else on here.
Well, there's something funny about, like, where do you, you know, you're supposed to, like, work out when you're down. Like, where do you go to get over a fucking.
Yeah, there's something there for sure. That's funny. For yours, we were just saying, you know, like instead of the puppies, maybe money in the shirt.
Or in the pockets popping out because you were like, you're like ladies. That's the woman. Eyes up here. That's the woman.
The difference between non-discriminate was who I would let touch my puppies. Right, right.
I love that all the shit she's tortured you with is coming in handy.
She's using it on someone who's working on the house. Yes, yes. Maybe there's another thing she does to you that could like, you know.
Another way she could like, you know. Yeah. What if she has puppies in her bra?
Maybe the guy starts going back at her and she goes, I don't like your tone. You turn to him like, you're not going to win this, buddy.
I got a couple that are done. The one that's like, I don't really know where to go with. It's like a story about Gary and me on the road and we were on a tiny plane and this woman just took my seat and Gary and I were sitting together and I was like, oh, that's my seat. And she goes, no, I'm sitting here. And I was like, oh no, I have it like right here. I have the ticket right here.
And she goes, this is my seat. It was like a 40 minute flight. Fuck it, I'll just sit in front. So the plane starts like, it's the worst flight I've ever been on. It's a tiny plane. It starts going down. It was terrifying. I was like, fuck, Gary and I look at each other like, holy shit. And she just starts going.
And without hesitation, Gary and I just turned at her and started pointing and laughing at her. And it was like this thing where I was like, oh, my God. We were so happy she was miserable. We forgot it was going to kill us. That's great. And then I want to do something about like how – like the idea of like, if we did die, like, you know, getting a heaven, like they, they screen your like last.
Oh yeah. They like, they screen your last like hour. He's like, he's like, let me see. So how did you spend your last time? And she's like, you know, something like, oh, I, and he's like, you took this guy's seat? Fucking bitch, you have to go to hell. And she, and she just screams or something like that. Yeah. Then something about like screening my last hour and they're like, you just mocked.
You just mocked a woman. A woman in terror? Yeah, you mocked a woman. You were good until you gave her the seat. Right. And then you just mocked. I don't really know where to go with this is my point.
I have a joke I thought I could maybe do. This might be too disgusting. I have a joke about coming to my sink.
i know that you've heard that one yeah and i thought maybe a guy could be like running the footage and he's like yeah here you are giving a seat to a woman that's very nice like and there you are in the cabin back oh it's a good callback i mean in a sink and i'm just like yeah but like that could i could use but i don't want that to be the whole bit but that might work yeah you were going to be in the pre-check line and then you got moved but i got moved oh yeah oh we gotta yeah
This is a tough one.
It could be funny if he sends us all to hell, and it's a scary-ass flight, and she starts screaming again. Oh, yeah. That's her hell. But that's not... Yeah, that's not enough. I don't know.
I'll crack this at the clubs.
Yeah, I feel a little stuck with it.
Mine sucks. Mine sucks. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what you're saying.
It could be funny being like, you know, my legs are so, it sucks that like I walk and things work and I have, and they have basically the same look as FDR, you know?
Yeah, I think I am, actually.
I got Hilarity's November 21st through 23rd, but then we're starting the bus tour in February, so literally going everywhere. So we got- Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, like 45 cities.
So just go to the website, punchup.live.com. Oh, man. That was the boost I needed right there. I'm literally coming everywhere. So just that's Segura's tour name. I wish that was my fucking tour. I know, he nailed it. Mine is the errors tour, but I'm coming everywhere is the best fucking tour name.
The gig will be canceled. All right.
We should do something for them.
Follow us on punchup.live slash just our names and see you all on the road. And really, Punch Up is doing something cool right now. Yes. These ticket companies are really fucking you guys and us. Oh, yeah.
these crazy fees for you guys we're obviously not seeing that and uh you know we don't want you to pay that so that's why we're trying to build email lists make this a little easier but uh yeah punch up dot live slash our names and uh drink bodega cat we're fucking everywhere right now florida texas new york new jersey kentucky rhode island georgia uh california yes uh all over we just got in like 15 new comedy clubs so look around
We love you all for doing that. And bodegacatwhiskey.com if you want to order a bottle, but also just the Instagram of bodegacatwhiskey. You could DM and our guy Matt handles that and he'll, if you want us in your liquor store, your restaurant or bar, we'll make it happen. Yes, we'll connect you.
See both these people on tour, watch their stuff, watch Blair's new special, watch Kyle's, all these new characters you're doing. Oh, killer. Thank you guys. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Fun app.
Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction.
That's almost more intense than Christopher Reeves before and after.
The second thing you said about him was the thing that killed him. All right. He couldn't swim either. Whitney Houston, she can draw a bath.
Kind of looks like a non-Italian Moltisanti, a little bit.
World War II and stuff.
Yeah, who else? You do Caitlyn Jenner.
People forget about that car crash, but yeah. You do a lot of people who have killed people. Ha, ha, ha. Can you do Alec Baldwin?
Oh, really? By the way, you can tell Rogan loves his impression of you. Oh, yeah. This is the top of the show, too. This is when he first got on. Is it?
Do you think Baldwin or RFK have seen this?