Carl Kurz
Appearances
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What's up, guys? I have a kidney, but it also has hep C, so... Um, I got picked on a lot in middle school, and I got made fun of a lot. I don't know if you could tell by looking at me. I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos. Look at this big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head unless you've been called a one too many times.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Well, I get this crow on my head. I'm like, who's a now, Bryson? Not me. Anyways, I started doing drugs, and inevitably I went to prison. And I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me. Took 30 methadone, two ounces of weed, half a can of Bugler, rolling tobacco, a can, can of Bugler. And when I got there, I was a popular kid all of a sudden.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So the worst part about shoving all those drugs up my ass was all the times I went to court and didn't go to prison. Like, fucking, yeah.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You grind up the weed and pack it down and kind of make like... I don't have to know the exact thing.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, no, two ounces of weed and a half a can of Bugler rolling tobacco. Oh, my God, two ounces? You grind it up in a coffee grinder, and you pack it in a pill bottle tight, and then you put it in a condom, and about a half ounce is about the size of an egg, and you make anal beads with condoms. Boop, boop, boop, boop.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So the day I got sentenced, I shot up like 30 fucking, I don't know, 300 milligrams of morphine and I ate an eighth of mushrooms and I shoved all that shit up my ass. My mom was knocking on the door and she's like, you're gonna miss your sentence and get all that shit up your ass.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
She said, hurry up, get all that shit up your ass. Well, she wasn't going to stop me. No one's going to walk in and stop me. Why would his mom know about what's going on?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I don't know. I don't even remember my sentencing. I was fucked up.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That was right after I ate the mushrooms. But by the time I got to the courthouse, I was fucking crying balls.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, only like 18 months. And what was it for? Residential burglary. What? Residential burglary.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So I used to just walk around in the middle of the day, and I would knock on doors, and if no one answered, I'd rob them. And if they did answer, I'd be like, hey, is Steve here? And then, so... So, I watched this house for, like, two weeks, right? And I fucking finally decided to rob it. And it was different than it had normally been.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
There was a blanket up in the window that wasn't normally there. So, I went around the back, and I went to open up the back window, and I got a .357 Magnum put in my face.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
And I said, is Steve here? And... Yeah. He said... He said, Steve don't fucking live here, bro. And I was like, are you sure? Because he said if he wasn't home, just come through the back window. And he's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. So I left.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wasn't too interesting. I didn't really get that much. What did you get to steal from the place? A bunch of fucking... Like that turquoise bullshit fucking sterling silver jewelry. The best thing they had. It was like the worst robbery ever and it's the one I got busted for, you know? Why are we Steve? I don't know, man.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Steve was my friend's name growing up and that was the first name that came to mind.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, I just stuck with Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old... That got me.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What's the biggest take? I got an AK-47. Wow. Look at that. Got an AK-47 and I got a... You ever get an FSGS? Nope. Not yet.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Just a fucking couple pistols and a bunch of jewelry. Fuck, yeah. I fucking robbed a house on a skateboard.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I did a lot of heroin, did a lot of meth, ended up homeless, living in a fucking creek bed. Wait, what's a creek bed exactly?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Right. Well, someone stole my shoes off my feet while I was sleeping. They stole my Top Ramen and my toilet paper. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I had a strike on my record. I had priors. I basically fucking threw a brick through a window and looted a store. And because of all my priors. What store? O'Reilly's.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wow. So I fucking was getting about eight years in prison they were going to give me because of all the priors and shit like that. A parole officer came in my jail cell and said, you want to try rehab again? And I said, yeah, why not? I literally fucking didn't think I was going to. You know, I was going to prison. I was like, fuck it. Rehab has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'll go to rehab. So I was literally living in a fucking creek bed with no Top Ramen. So I went to rehab. I got sober.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, after you get all that weed out of your ass, it always smells like doo-doo. Oh, wow.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
They ain't going to remember this shit in two weeks. I don't really give a fuck. I talk about this shit in AA meetings.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, but I have to see them again. You know what I mean? I don't have to see any of you again.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
When I got out of prison and I got sober, I got a gym membership, and I ended up taking a shower with the judge that sent me to prison. He had a gym membership at the same gym as me. Oh, wow. And so I walk into the fucking shower, butt fucking naked, and there's Judge Curl. Hey, Judge Curl.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah. Do you think he remembered you? He looked terrified, so yeah.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, yeah. I just got out. I was fucking, I was probably about 20 pounds heavier muscle. Holy shit.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Uh, funny thing, when I got sober, they told me that I could make, like, my higher power for sobriety, whatever I wanted to, so I just named it Steve. Wow. Because I'm like, Steve stopped me from getting my fucking head shot off, right? Wow.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Bro, I don't have anything like this where I'm from, so. Where are you from again? Redding, California.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's right in between Sacramento and Oregon. So it's a halfway point. Oh, yeah. So it's two and a half hours north of Sacramento. Wow.