Carl Kurz
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
What's up, guys? I have a kidney, but it also has hep C, so... Um, I got picked on a lot in middle school, and I got made fun of a lot. I don't know if you could tell by looking at me. I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos. Look at this big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head unless you've been called a one too many times.
Well, I get this crow on my head. I'm like, who's a now, Bryson? Not me. Anyways, I started doing drugs, and inevitably I went to prison. And I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me. Took 30 methadone, two ounces of weed, half a can of Bugler, rolling tobacco, a can, can of Bugler. And when I got there, I was a popular kid all of a sudden.
I wasn't getting picked on anymore. I guess that's all my time.
So the worst part about shoving all those drugs up my ass was all the times I went to court and didn't go to prison. Like, fucking, yeah.
I just shoved shit in there until there was no more room.
You grind up the weed and pack it down and kind of make like... I don't have to know the exact thing.
No, no, two ounces of weed and a half a can of Bugler rolling tobacco. Oh, my God, two ounces? You grind it up in a coffee grinder, and you pack it in a pill bottle tight, and then you put it in a condom, and about a half ounce is about the size of an egg, and you make anal beads with condoms. Boop, boop, boop, boop.
So the day I got sentenced, I shot up like 30 fucking, I don't know, 300 milligrams of morphine and I ate an eighth of mushrooms and I shoved all that shit up my ass. My mom was knocking on the door and she's like, you're gonna miss your sentence and get all that shit up your ass.
She said, hurry up, get all that shit up your ass. Well, she wasn't going to stop me. No one's going to walk in and stop me. Why would his mom know about what's going on?
I don't know. I don't even remember my sentencing. I was fucked up.
That was right after I ate the mushrooms. But by the time I got to the courthouse, I was fucking crying balls.
I... Actually never thought of that.
Oh, only like 18 months. And what was it for? Residential burglary. What? Residential burglary.
So I used to just walk around in the middle of the day, and I would knock on doors, and if no one answered, I'd rob them. And if they did answer, I'd be like, hey, is Steve here? And then, so... So, I watched this house for, like, two weeks, right? And I fucking finally decided to rob it. And it was different than it had normally been.
There was a blanket up in the window that wasn't normally there. So, I went around the back, and I went to open up the back window, and I got a .357 Magnum put in my face.
And I said, is Steve here? And... Yeah. He said... He said, Steve don't fucking live here, bro. And I was like, are you sure? Because he said if he wasn't home, just come through the back window. And he's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. So I left.
Wasn't too interesting. I didn't really get that much. What did you get to steal from the place? A bunch of fucking... Like that turquoise bullshit fucking sterling silver jewelry. The best thing they had. It was like the worst robbery ever and it's the one I got busted for, you know? Why are we Steve? I don't know, man.
Steve was my friend's name growing up and that was the first name that came to mind.
Yeah, I just stuck with Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old... That got me.
No, they just called me a piece of shit.
What's the biggest take? I got an AK-47. Wow. Look at that. Got an AK-47 and I got a... You ever get an FSGS? Nope. Not yet.
Just a fucking couple pistols and a bunch of jewelry. Fuck, yeah. I fucking robbed a house on a skateboard.
I robbed a house on a skateboard. I remember, and you know what?
Oh, we used to do that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did a lot of heroin, did a lot of meth, ended up homeless, living in a fucking creek bed. Wait, what's a creek bed exactly?
Right. Well, someone stole my shoes off my feet while I was sleeping. They stole my Top Ramen and my toilet paper. Oh, my God.
I had a strike on my record. I had priors. I basically fucking threw a brick through a window and looted a store. And because of all my priors. What store? O'Reilly's.
I got two $1,800 generators. Oh, I got so many generators, dude.
Wow. So I fucking was getting about eight years in prison they were going to give me because of all the priors and shit like that. A parole officer came in my jail cell and said, you want to try rehab again? And I said, yeah, why not? I literally fucking didn't think I was going to. You know, I was going to prison. I was like, fuck it. Rehab has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I'll go to rehab. So I was literally living in a fucking creek bed with no Top Ramen. So I went to rehab. I got sober.
Bro, you just fucking... You just wet it?
No, after you get all that weed out of your ass, it always smells like doo-doo. Oh, wow.
They ain't going to remember this shit in two weeks. I don't really give a fuck. I talk about this shit in AA meetings.
Yeah, but I have to see them again. You know what I mean? I don't have to see any of you again.
When I got out of prison and I got sober, I got a gym membership, and I ended up taking a shower with the judge that sent me to prison. He had a gym membership at the same gym as me. Oh, wow. And so I walk into the fucking shower, butt fucking naked, and there's Judge Curl. Hey, Judge Curl.
Yeah. Do you think he remembered you? He looked terrified, so yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I just got out. I was fucking, I was probably about 20 pounds heavier muscle. Holy shit.
Uh, funny thing, when I got sober, they told me that I could make, like, my higher power for sobriety, whatever I wanted to, so I just named it Steve. Wow. Because I'm like, Steve stopped me from getting my fucking head shot off, right? Wow.
Bro, I don't have anything like this where I'm from, so. Where are you from again? Redding, California.
It's right in between Sacramento and Oregon. So it's a halfway point. Oh, yeah. So it's two and a half hours north of Sacramento. Wow.