Carmen Rita Wong

I'm in shock. I can't even fathom what's happening. My brother was the most straight and narrow, straight A, never got in trouble, was not like a party or drink or nothing, full-on nerd. I was stunned. I was stunned.

I'm in shock. I can't even fathom what's happening. My brother was the most straight and narrow, straight A, never got in trouble, was not like a party or drink or nothing, full-on nerd. I was stunned. I was stunned.

And my mother told me, thank God. Gracias a Dios, as she would say. My brother lost it so badly. He's crying and begging, absolutely having a mental breakdown. The cops were like, there is no way that you knew what was going on.

And my mother told me, thank God. Gracias a Dios, as she would say. My brother lost it so badly. He's crying and begging, absolutely having a mental breakdown. The cops were like, there is no way that you knew what was going on.

My mother, because she was so strident about making it in this country, doing something that would get you arrested, you know, you're dead to me. He was undeserving of mention. But my mother said, here's the big news for you. There's no more money. There's nobody paying for your college because Marty is not going to contribute.

My mother, because she was so strident about making it in this country, doing something that would get you arrested, you know, you're dead to me. He was undeserving of mention. But my mother said, here's the big news for you. There's no more money. There's nobody paying for your college because Marty is not going to contribute.

And he was not able to find work for years. So all of a sudden, my mother and my four sisters were living off of his savings.

And he was not able to find work for years. So all of a sudden, my mother and my four sisters were living off of his savings.

My mother, her basic mantra was, you're old enough. go work.

My mother, her basic mantra was, you're old enough. go work.

And I was just all full steam ahead. I had to succeed.

And I was just all full steam ahead. I had to succeed.

And they said, okay, well, there's an opening and the Time Life building, which is legendary. I was excited. I wanted to work at Time or People. And they said, oh, it's Money Magazine. And I said, well, even in my 20s, I knew, get your foot in the door, sister, get your foot in the door. And I ended up at Money Magazine.

And they said, okay, well, there's an opening and the Time Life building, which is legendary. I was excited. I wanted to work at Time or People. And they said, oh, it's Money Magazine. And I said, well, even in my 20s, I knew, get your foot in the door, sister, get your foot in the door. And I ended up at Money Magazine.

My mother's white knight had fallen off his horse and wasn't getting back on it. And she was wildly disappointed. She felt like she had gave birth to all these kids and given them this fantasy. And he was disappointing her. And their marriage did not survive.

My mother's white knight had fallen off his horse and wasn't getting back on it. And she was wildly disappointed. She felt like she had gave birth to all these kids and given them this fantasy. And he was disappointing her. And their marriage did not survive.

I have my midtown job and I had my own apartment back uptown with my Dominican people up in Washington Heights. And I get a call from my brother and we talked a lot, but this call was later than usual and his tone was different. And I was like, what's up? And he said, oh, I talked to mom. Okay.

I have my midtown job and I had my own apartment back uptown with my Dominican people up in Washington Heights. And I get a call from my brother and we talked a lot, but this call was later than usual and his tone was different. And I was like, what's up? And he said, oh, I talked to mom. Okay.

And we both kind of just stood there on the line in silence. That just seems odd, right? Like, why would you? Why was I?

And we both kind of just stood there on the line in silence. That just seems odd, right? Like, why would you? Why was I?

I wanted her love so bad, and she couldn't love me enough to tell me the truth. Even before she died.

I wanted her love so bad, and she couldn't love me enough to tell me the truth. Even before she died.

I couldn't put my finger on it. And I just could not shake this nagging feeling that something was wrong.

I couldn't put my finger on it. And I just could not shake this nagging feeling that something was wrong.

There was a story about me. The story that she was not telling any of us. And it didn't jive with who I was. I was getting close to 30. And it was a big mystery. But just as she began to ask those questions... I get a call from my sister from the hospital saying, I'm in the hospital with mom. She has colon cancer. Stage four. Stage four? I said, how do they know it's stage four?

There was a story about me. The story that she was not telling any of us. And it didn't jive with who I was. I was getting close to 30. And it was a big mystery. But just as she began to ask those questions... I get a call from my sister from the hospital saying, I'm in the hospital with mom. She has colon cancer. Stage four. Stage four? I said, how do they know it's stage four?

You just got to the emergency room. They had just tried to change her into a gown and they could see all the tumors everywhere, all over her body.

You just got to the emergency room. They had just tried to change her into a gown and they could see all the tumors everywhere, all over her body.

So when he called me, I was pretty shocked. I automatically was like, something's wrong. I was like, what's going on? Are you okay? And he said, I need you to come visit me. He wouldn't tell me, but I knew it was serious. So she made the trip to see him. And we're at the kitchen table and he says to me, I gotta tell you, Poppy's not your father. Every cell in my body was just angry.

So when he called me, I was pretty shocked. I automatically was like, something's wrong. I was like, what's going on? Are you okay? And he said, I need you to come visit me. He wouldn't tell me, but I knew it was serious. So she made the trip to see him. And we're at the kitchen table and he says to me, I gotta tell you, Poppy's not your father. Every cell in my body was just angry.

I said, okay, who is? And I knew what he was going to say, but I wanted to hear him say it. And he said, I am. I burst into tears, burning angry tears. Could not stop crying.

I said, okay, who is? And I knew what he was going to say, but I wanted to hear him say it. And he said, I am. I burst into tears, burning angry tears. Could not stop crying.

So I'm 30 years old and I'm hearing for the first time that my parents, the first people you're supposed to trust in the world, the first people that you're supposed to learn what trust is, lied to me. I was so angry, especially since I had begged so hard to be part of this family. And then there was this. This whole idea of how Marty was not allowed to financially support me.

So I'm 30 years old and I'm hearing for the first time that my parents, the first people you're supposed to trust in the world, the first people that you're supposed to learn what trust is, lied to me. I was so angry, especially since I had begged so hard to be part of this family. And then there was this. This whole idea of how Marty was not allowed to financially support me.

My sisters didn't have to struggle so much. They were taken care of financially, but I was left to flail. What was that all about? So you're saying now I'm yours, but you didn't take care of me. You didn't, you know, I had no safety net. Where were you?

My sisters didn't have to struggle so much. They were taken care of financially, but I was left to flail. What was that all about? So you're saying now I'm yours, but you didn't take care of me. You didn't, you know, I had no safety net. Where were you?

When I got back to New York, my apartment was decorated with this wonderful framed Chinese silk screen print that I had gotten in Chinatown.

When I got back to New York, my apartment was decorated with this wonderful framed Chinese silk screen print that I had gotten in Chinatown.

Was I Chinese anymore?

Was I Chinese anymore?

How do I feel authentic as a human being? Like if your whole story is a lie, how do you feel authentic as a person?

How do I feel authentic as a human being? Like if your whole story is a lie, how do you feel authentic as a person?

I just saw in all of this the machinations of my mother who ruled the roost in the sense of what gets told and what doesn't get told. She needed to talk to her mom directly. She had only been given months to live. And I had to know if it was true.

I just saw in all of this the machinations of my mother who ruled the roost in the sense of what gets told and what doesn't get told. She needed to talk to her mom directly. She had only been given months to live. And I had to know if it was true.

I saw her in her emaciated frame and hugged her and we cried. but I still was strident inside because I knew that I was there to confront her about something.

I saw her in her emaciated frame and hugged her and we cried. but I still was strident inside because I knew that I was there to confront her about something.

What made me very, very sad was that this had to come out right before she was dying. And what made me triply sad was that she was going to die without telling me.

What made me very, very sad was that this had to come out right before she was dying. And what made me triply sad was that she was going to die without telling me.

She did her typical Lupe thing. How dare he tell you something that was mine. It was my secret. It was my truth. And I reminded her, no, it was mine, okay? What happened?

She did her typical Lupe thing. How dare he tell you something that was mine. It was my secret. It was my truth. And I reminded her, no, it was mine, okay? What happened?

He married off my mother and her sister to essentially Chinese gangsters for money. They had their paperwork and my mother and her sister didn't. So my grandfather arranged their marriages, ages of like 19 and 18.

He married off my mother and her sister to essentially Chinese gangsters for money. They had their paperwork and my mother and her sister didn't. So my grandfather arranged their marriages, ages of like 19 and 18.

She was like, I need to get us the best odds. That's the reason why she married an Anglo-American.

She was like, I need to get us the best odds. That's the reason why she married an Anglo-American.

She was always dressed to the nines and the red lipstick was She, along with my grandmother and my abuela, both from the Dominican Republic, were seamstresses for Oscar de la Renta, who was Dominican and employed a lot of the Dominican women immigrants to New York City.

She was always dressed to the nines and the red lipstick was She, along with my grandmother and my abuela, both from the Dominican Republic, were seamstresses for Oscar de la Renta, who was Dominican and employed a lot of the Dominican women immigrants to New York City.

When Lupe found out she was pregnant with Carmen... Her story was she was in the car with her sister was driving, pulling up into the clinic. And Poppy Wong showed up.

When Lupe found out she was pregnant with Carmen... Her story was she was in the car with her sister was driving, pulling up into the clinic. And Poppy Wong showed up.

She said that because Marty didn't want me, that he had no right to me. But because Poppy wanted me, I was his child. That was my father. He had the right to me. And she was going to live the rest of her life and go to her grave with this truth of hers. And sitting in my own anger and pain, I also looked at her with nothing but eyes of a skeptical detective.

She said that because Marty didn't want me, that he had no right to me. But because Poppy wanted me, I was his child. That was my father. He had the right to me. And she was going to live the rest of her life and go to her grave with this truth of hers. And sitting in my own anger and pain, I also looked at her with nothing but eyes of a skeptical detective.

It was my mother's truth, I tell ya.

It was my mother's truth, I tell ya.

And they dressed up to be seamstresses. My abuela as well, always in an Oscar suit that she probably made with her own hands.

And they dressed up to be seamstresses. My abuela as well, always in an Oscar suit that she probably made with her own hands.

I knew, I guess, what I needed to know, and I knew that I probably wasn't going to be able to find out anything else. And so we just focused on keeping her comfortable until she passed away.

I knew, I guess, what I needed to know, and I knew that I probably wasn't going to be able to find out anything else. And so we just focused on keeping her comfortable until she passed away.

I called my brother and I mentioned Poppy. And I was like, well, I got to tell him and I got to. And he just said in his very quiet way, because he was always very quiet. Please don't tell Poppy. Don't tell Poppy. I said, why? Because I was this big, like the truth must be known. And he said to me, look, Poppy doesn't have anybody. How much more did we need him to feel alone?

I called my brother and I mentioned Poppy. And I was like, well, I got to tell him and I got to. And he just said in his very quiet way, because he was always very quiet. Please don't tell Poppy. Don't tell Poppy. I said, why? Because I was this big, like the truth must be known. And he said to me, look, Poppy doesn't have anybody. How much more did we need him to feel alone?

The neighborhood we lived in was mostly Dominican immigrants, Puerto Rican, basically of all colors. So for me, going to daycare, being around my cousins, lived across the street. My grandfather's cleaners was on the corner. And we all just coexisted in a very great, supportive way. Colorful, texture, smells, just the richness of it all. Not money, but life.

The neighborhood we lived in was mostly Dominican immigrants, Puerto Rican, basically of all colors. So for me, going to daycare, being around my cousins, lived across the street. My grandfather's cleaners was on the corner. And we all just coexisted in a very great, supportive way. Colorful, texture, smells, just the richness of it all. Not money, but life.

Would it have just been a punishment? What would it have done besides make me feel better? And would it have made me feel better?

Would it have just been a punishment? What would it have done besides make me feel better? And would it have made me feel better?

So she decided... Poppy was the father I had.

So she decided... Poppy was the father I had.

I remained acting as Poppy's child, including taking care of him as he grew increasingly sick until he died. The day Poppy passed away, I took care of his cremation and everything, and I never said a word.

I remained acting as Poppy's child, including taking care of him as he grew increasingly sick until he died. The day Poppy passed away, I took care of his cremation and everything, and I never said a word.

Lupe would have been proud. I was in New York. I now was, you know, an editor at a national magazine and paying all my bills. And I got married, divorced, had a wonderful daughter of my own. My brother ended up in a house full of girls and I had my own. And one Christmas, we decided to get genetic tests.

Lupe would have been proud. I was in New York. I now was, you know, an editor at a national magazine and paying all my bills. And I got married, divorced, had a wonderful daughter of my own. My brother ended up in a house full of girls and I had my own. And one Christmas, we decided to get genetic tests.

And we found it to be this more kind of like, how fun, how cool, how crazy.

And we found it to be this more kind of like, how fun, how cool, how crazy.

So I was expecting to see that very disappointingly, I was not Chinese, but that I was gonna be full siblings with my sisters and that I was somehow half Italian. Well, the results come and I'm on my phone, I'm at the gym and I had to sit down because that's not what it said.

So I was expecting to see that very disappointingly, I was not Chinese, but that I was gonna be full siblings with my sisters and that I was somehow half Italian. Well, the results come and I'm on my phone, I'm at the gym and I had to sit down because that's not what it said.

I can't tell you how much your physical body reacts to news. Breath knocked out of me. I had to sit, head spinning, called my brother. What the hell?

I can't tell you how much your physical body reacts to news. Breath knocked out of me. I had to sit, head spinning, called my brother. What the hell?

And he was like, well, you know, Europe, you know, Italy is close to Spain and they're close to each other. And you never know. My sister, I talked to her and she was like the same thing. Like, don't don't worry about it. Like, well, let's wait until my results come in. We all match up.

And he was like, well, you know, Europe, you know, Italy is close to Spain and they're close to each other. And you never know. My sister, I talked to her and she was like the same thing. Like, don't don't worry about it. Like, well, let's wait until my results come in. We all match up.

Let's check. Let's check the results. Nina says her tests are in, right? We click and we're all seeing the same screen. And all you hear is us going, it says I'm half siblings to all of them.

Let's check. Let's check the results. Nina says her tests are in, right? We click and we're all seeing the same screen. And all you hear is us going, it says I'm half siblings to all of them.

I couldn't help but marvel at the life she led to put me in that moment.

I couldn't help but marvel at the life she led to put me in that moment.

I didn't have anything beyond third and fourth cousins on this genetic test. So that started my quest. Wow. I had to find out who this guy was. My father. My real biological father.

I didn't have anything beyond third and fourth cousins on this genetic test. So that started my quest. Wow. I had to find out who this guy was. My father. My real biological father.

He felt very much that it was his responsibility as an older sibling to make sure that I found this other family.

He felt very much that it was his responsibility as an older sibling to make sure that I found this other family.

She was aging and ill, but he was like, you've got to ask her. She may have answers. Nothing. So I asked my godmother in the Dominicans. Nothing. Everyone said Lupe was always quiet and protective. You know, she held things very tightly. She didn't share much. We don't know. I hired a genealogist, even.

She was aging and ill, but he was like, you've got to ask her. She may have answers. Nothing. So I asked my godmother in the Dominicans. Nothing. Everyone said Lupe was always quiet and protective. You know, she held things very tightly. She didn't share much. We don't know. I hired a genealogist, even.

It's something that even now I look back on with nostalgia.

It's something that even now I look back on with nostalgia.

A few months into this process, I got that dreaded phone call like I got about my mother, this time for my sister-in-law about my brother. He'd had a cough that was lingering and wouldn't go away. He had stage four non-smoking lung cancer.

A few months into this process, I got that dreaded phone call like I got about my mother, this time for my sister-in-law about my brother. He'd had a cough that was lingering and wouldn't go away. He had stage four non-smoking lung cancer.

I think as he got this diagnosis, he realized that I would be very much alone.

I think as he got this diagnosis, he realized that I would be very much alone.

And I said to him on those last few days, as I was holding his hand in the hospital, I was just like, man, you've got to go up there. You've got to talk to mom. You've got to, you've got to find me answers. And unfortunately, my brother passed away a year to the day of his diagnosis. The biggest devastation of my life is the loss of him.

And I said to him on those last few days, as I was holding his hand in the hospital, I was just like, man, you've got to go up there. You've got to talk to mom. You've got to, you've got to find me answers. And unfortunately, my brother passed away a year to the day of his diagnosis. The biggest devastation of my life is the loss of him.

I just wanted to get at the bottom of it. And frankly, though it was very important for me to find who my biological father was, More importantly, in some ways, was figuring out why my mother kept this secret. Why didn't she tell me?

I just wanted to get at the bottom of it. And frankly, though it was very important for me to find who my biological father was, More importantly, in some ways, was figuring out why my mother kept this secret. Why didn't she tell me?

We called him Poppy, Poppy Wong.

We called him Poppy, Poppy Wong.

So I write the book. I hand in my first edits. I hadn't checked my genetic sites in a while because I felt very, I don't know, just discouraged. I mean, there's only so much. You can only wait until the right person takes a test. And maybe that never would happen. I couldn't pin my hopes on it anymore.

So I write the book. I hand in my first edits. I hadn't checked my genetic sites in a while because I felt very, I don't know, just discouraged. I mean, there's only so much. You can only wait until the right person takes a test. And maybe that never would happen. I couldn't pin my hopes on it anymore.

I just hit refresh. And it happened. The right person took the test. My niece, my paternal niece took the test. Right away, she sent her a message. And I sent just a nice kind of basic note saying, here's who I am. And I understand if you don't want to know me or you don't know who I am, or I understand if you don't have anything to do with me. I just want to know who he was.

I just hit refresh. And it happened. The right person took the test. My niece, my paternal niece took the test. Right away, she sent her a message. And I sent just a nice kind of basic note saying, here's who I am. And I understand if you don't want to know me or you don't know who I am, or I understand if you don't have anything to do with me. I just want to know who he was.

He was like a Chinese Johnny Cash. That's what he looked like to me, with a black leather jacket and slick black pants and a pompadour.

He was like a Chinese Johnny Cash. That's what he looked like to me, with a black leather jacket and slick black pants and a pompadour.

I got a response within hours. I got an email from my real biological half-sister the next day.

I got a response within hours. I got an email from my real biological half-sister the next day.

He lived right up the street. Right up the street. from when I was a kid in Manhattan.

He lived right up the street. Right up the street. from when I was a kid in Manhattan.

Unfortunately, my biological father passed away many years ago. I cried as if my father died. That's what it felt like in that moment. Like I got the news my father was dead. Another father. A father I never knew, but it still was my father died.

Unfortunately, my biological father passed away many years ago. I cried as if my father died. That's what it felt like in that moment. Like I got the news my father was dead. Another father. A father I never knew, but it still was my father died.

Even though my mother said that I was named after my godmother, whose name is Carmen, I highly suspect I was named after this youngest sibling, Carmen. My middle name is the same middle name as my stepfather, Marty's sister. And my last name is Wong. My three names are literally three names from the three different fathers.

Even though my mother said that I was named after my godmother, whose name is Carmen, I highly suspect I was named after this youngest sibling, Carmen. My middle name is the same middle name as my stepfather, Marty's sister. And my last name is Wong. My three names are literally three names from the three different fathers.

So my biological sister knew I existed. from the time that she was in her 20s.

So my biological sister knew I existed. from the time that she was in her 20s.

Every decade brought a new father along. 30, finding out that it wasn't dad number two. 40, then it's dad number three. Then 50. We know who he is now. And it was a wild revelation. Then I needed to process and write about what this all meant to me to have these three fathers.

Every decade brought a new father along. 30, finding out that it wasn't dad number two. 40, then it's dad number three. Then 50. We know who he is now. And it was a wild revelation. Then I needed to process and write about what this all meant to me to have these three fathers.

It wasn't the ending that I thought I was going to get, but sometimes the universe just gives you little gifts.

It wasn't the ending that I thought I was going to get, but sometimes the universe just gives you little gifts.

He loved to take us to these very fancy Chinese restaurants where his boss would be like sitting on a higher level in the restaurant for more important people, for the VIPs.

He loved to take us to these very fancy Chinese restaurants where his boss would be like sitting on a higher level in the restaurant for more important people, for the VIPs.

How your genes express themselves is only one part of your identity. How you were raised and who were your parents is another part of your identity. I think what's important is... Your self-identity, the truth of your life. So for example, now do I say I'm Dominican Chinese, which I said all my life? No, what I say is I was raised Dominican Chinese.

How your genes express themselves is only one part of your identity. How you were raised and who were your parents is another part of your identity. I think what's important is... Your self-identity, the truth of your life. So for example, now do I say I'm Dominican Chinese, which I said all my life? No, what I say is I was raised Dominican Chinese.

I also can say I'm Latina, but I'm a Wong because that's what's important because that was my experience. I'm a Wong. I remain a Wong. I always will be a Wong.

I also can say I'm Latina, but I'm a Wong because that's what's important because that was my experience. I'm a Wong. I remain a Wong. I always will be a Wong.

When you are from a community that's, you know, looked down on or seen as lesser than, any mistake is magnified greatly, greatly. Everything has to be perfect and clean. And, you know, my gosh, I mean, my socks were ironed and I wore a slip under my uniform and, you know, my hair was perfectly ironed and everything has to be perfect. So no one can say a word against you.

When you are from a community that's, you know, looked down on or seen as lesser than, any mistake is magnified greatly, greatly. Everything has to be perfect and clean. And, you know, my gosh, I mean, my socks were ironed and I wore a slip under my uniform and, you know, my hair was perfectly ironed and everything has to be perfect. So no one can say a word against you.

It's about understanding, especially if it's a parent. When you understand and you see them as a separate human being, so much of the pain stops.

It's about understanding, especially if it's a parent. When you understand and you see them as a separate human being, so much of the pain stops.

Through all of this, I've learned to, in many ways, redefine what family is. And for me, family is who shows up. And that was my brother. He showed up for me. I'm still a solo moon, kind of floating around, but I don't feel so untethered. And I'm hoping my daughter has the gift of not feeling untethered and instead feeling much more belonging than I had.

Through all of this, I've learned to, in many ways, redefine what family is. And for me, family is who shows up. And that was my brother. He showed up for me. I'm still a solo moon, kind of floating around, but I don't feel so untethered. And I'm hoping my daughter has the gift of not feeling untethered and instead feeling much more belonging than I had.

Breaking cycles, a big part of it isn't just telling the truth. A big part of it is there's no shame in my mother's story. All these things I should be ashamed of, my mother, you know, sleeping around and all this sort of stuff. No, this is life. And the shame ends here with me. Because in shame, you only find isolation and pain. And it keeps us, especially as women, very quiet.

Breaking cycles, a big part of it isn't just telling the truth. A big part of it is there's no shame in my mother's story. All these things I should be ashamed of, my mother, you know, sleeping around and all this sort of stuff. No, this is life. And the shame ends here with me. Because in shame, you only find isolation and pain. And it keeps us, especially as women, very quiet.

We'd be snaking through the restaurant and he'd be saying hi to everybody and bring us up and introduce us to his boss and the people and show us off.

We'd be snaking through the restaurant and he'd be saying hi to everybody and bring us up and introduce us to his boss and the people and show us off.

It's very oppressive. I was not going to let that continue. And if my story can help other people who feel shame about how they came into this world because their mother had an affair or they didn't tell them this or they didn't tell them that, if my story can make them feel less shame, that is so powerful because then they will not cause pain to the people they love around them.

It's very oppressive. I was not going to let that continue. And if my story can help other people who feel shame about how they came into this world because their mother had an affair or they didn't tell them this or they didn't tell them that, if my story can make them feel less shame, that is so powerful because then they will not cause pain to the people they love around them.

We got stared at a little bit, but we very much felt like we were Wongs. This is where we belonged.

We got stared at a little bit, but we very much felt like we were Wongs. This is where we belonged.

He would show up with a wad of bills. And he would love to tease my brother and I and say, you know, do you want $100? Do you want $200? How many dollars do you want?

He would show up with a wad of bills. And he would love to tease my brother and I and say, you know, do you want $100? Do you want $200? How many dollars do you want?

My mother and Poppy were cordial. I think what I saw was my mother smiling and being cordial because she wanted him to support us and help support his children.

My mother and Poppy were cordial. I think what I saw was my mother smiling and being cordial because she wanted him to support us and help support his children.

Because my mother was working, because Poppy wasn't living with us, and we were shuttled in between people during the day, my big brother was my protector. He was the only constant in my life.

Because my mother was working, because Poppy wasn't living with us, and we were shuttled in between people during the day, my big brother was my protector. He was the only constant in my life.

I remember one day my mother bringing us to a man's apartment. He was a white man. He had a mustache and this big 70s kind of curly hair and glasses and smoked a pipe and, you know, seemed very educated. The two of us were thinking at the same time, something's happening. What is happening?

I remember one day my mother bringing us to a man's apartment. He was a white man. He had a mustache and this big 70s kind of curly hair and glasses and smoked a pipe and, you know, seemed very educated. The two of us were thinking at the same time, something's happening. What is happening?

I remember the first time this man, I call him Marty, in the morning woke up and made us breakfast, which we'd never seen a man in a kitchen before. Woke up and made us eggs, soggy eggs, and then offered ketchup with the egg. And my brother was horrified and refused to eat anything. And I remember just looking at this guy and looking at the way my mother looked at him.

I remember the first time this man, I call him Marty, in the morning woke up and made us breakfast, which we'd never seen a man in a kitchen before. Woke up and made us eggs, soggy eggs, and then offered ketchup with the egg. And my brother was horrified and refused to eat anything. And I remember just looking at this guy and looking at the way my mother looked at him.

And I realized I needed him to like me. So I was like, okay, to the ketchup on the eggs.

And I realized I needed him to like me. So I was like, okay, to the ketchup on the eggs.

It was that sudden. It was boom, boom, boom. It almost felt as if there was no time in between. It could have been in a matter of a couple of months.

It was that sudden. It was boom, boom, boom. It almost felt as if there was no time in between. It could have been in a matter of a couple of months.

away from all of our family, away from everybody and everything we knew, to a place that was completely, might as well have been Mars.

away from all of our family, away from everybody and everything we knew, to a place that was completely, might as well have been Mars.

So my stepfather, Marty, had to teach her how to drive. And the only time he could do that was after work. and it was dark and we're in our little neighborhood and we get pulled over on our street, my brother and I in the back seat, and I don't know what's happening. This is terrifying. And a police officer says to my stepfather, we got a report of some Puerto Ricans in the neighborhood.

So my stepfather, Marty, had to teach her how to drive. And the only time he could do that was after work. and it was dark and we're in our little neighborhood and we get pulled over on our street, my brother and I in the back seat, and I don't know what's happening. This is terrifying. And a police officer says to my stepfather, we got a report of some Puerto Ricans in the neighborhood.

And thankfully, my stepfather, of course, you know, as a white man, was just like, no officer. We lived right, you know, and his driver's license had our address. We lived right down the street.

And thankfully, my stepfather, of course, you know, as a white man, was just like, no officer. We lived right, you know, and his driver's license had our address. We lived right down the street.

So to all of a sudden be told that we looked bad, therefore were bad, bad enough to call the police on our own street. That message stuck with me forever.

So to all of a sudden be told that we looked bad, therefore were bad, bad enough to call the police on our own street. That message stuck with me forever.

When I started grade school there, my brother and I were just in for the shock of our lives. We were the only brown, brown, black nation people around there.

When I started grade school there, my brother and I were just in for the shock of our lives. We were the only brown, brown, black nation people around there.

My mother was constantly drilling into my head. Education was the way to make it in this country. She was a very smart woman who had to leave her country and leave school at the age of 15. So she channeled all of her ambition into me. And I wanted my mother's love, so I had to get those A's because she loved me when I got A's. I just became the model student.

My mother was constantly drilling into my head. Education was the way to make it in this country. She was a very smart woman who had to leave her country and leave school at the age of 15. So she channeled all of her ambition into me. And I wanted my mother's love, so I had to get those A's because she loved me when I got A's. I just became the model student.

Carmen's so smart and she's doing so great. It's because she's Chinese. It's the Chinese in her. I was proud for a split second because I was a Wong. So I'm, you know, I was proud of being a Wong for a split second. But then I looked at my mother's face and I realized she was not the Wong.

Carmen's so smart and she's doing so great. It's because she's Chinese. It's the Chinese in her. I was proud for a split second because I was a Wong. So I'm, you know, I was proud of being a Wong for a split second. But then I looked at my mother's face and I realized she was not the Wong.

In the car ride home, I wanted to assess my mother because I felt like she might have been hurt by that comment. And so I said, you know, mommy, Sister Rita said I was smart because I was Chinese. And my mother just did a Mona Lisa smile. And that was it. But I knew she was not only okay, but she somehow had something one up on this nun.

In the car ride home, I wanted to assess my mother because I felt like she might have been hurt by that comment. And so I said, you know, mommy, Sister Rita said I was smart because I was Chinese. And my mother just did a Mona Lisa smile. And that was it. But I knew she was not only okay, but she somehow had something one up on this nun.

By the time I was 11 years old, there were four children under the age of six in the house. My sisters, they had a different last name and having a white father, they were treated differently. So I felt like an orbiting moon, right? like I didn't belong. I begged my stepfather to adopt me, for me to change my name. I so wanted to be part of this new family, but they kept telling me no.

By the time I was 11 years old, there were four children under the age of six in the house. My sisters, they had a different last name and having a white father, they were treated differently. So I felt like an orbiting moon, right? like I didn't belong. I begged my stepfather to adopt me, for me to change my name. I so wanted to be part of this new family, but they kept telling me no.

She explained to me from very young age that anything that was mine and my brother's, whether it was tuition, clothing, expenses, anything was paid for by Papi. And that my stepfather, besides the roof over our head and the food at the dinner table, was not contributing to my brother and I at all.

She explained to me from very young age that anything that was mine and my brother's, whether it was tuition, clothing, expenses, anything was paid for by Papi. And that my stepfather, besides the roof over our head and the food at the dinner table, was not contributing to my brother and I at all.

I went from seeing him a lot to barely seeing him, only a few times a year. So I was looking for her dad.

I went from seeing him a lot to barely seeing him, only a few times a year. So I was looking for her dad.

It was another plea to just be a part of this family. And I had four little sisters who called him dad.

It was another plea to just be a part of this family. And I had four little sisters who called him dad.

My way of getting close to Marty was involving myself in whatever he was doing. whether it was changing a tire or fixing the car or chopping wood or grilling a burger or reading the Wall Street Journal. I became this surrogate boy of his.

My way of getting close to Marty was involving myself in whatever he was doing. whether it was changing a tire or fixing the car or chopping wood or grilling a burger or reading the Wall Street Journal. I became this surrogate boy of his.

My brother left for college, which broke my heart. I missed him so much.

My brother left for college, which broke my heart. I missed him so much.

And in the summers... He would go work with Poppy to earn basically extra money for college.

And in the summers... He would go work with Poppy to earn basically extra money for college.

And then one night, my mother comes to my room. I'm studying. And she does that thing when the parents want to talk to you about something serious. They sit next to you in the bed. I'm like, what's up, Mom? And she says, Poppy and your brother have been arrested.

And then one night, my mother comes to my room. I'm studying. And she does that thing when the parents want to talk to you about something serious. They sit next to you in the bed. I'm like, what's up, Mom? And she says, Poppy and your brother have been arrested.

was heroin.

was heroin.

I'm in shock. I can't even fathom what's happening. My brother was the most straight and narrow, straight A, never got in trouble, was not like a party or drink or nothing, full-on nerd. I was stunned. I was stunned.

And my mother told me, thank God. Gracias a Dios, as she would say. My brother lost it so badly. He's crying and begging, absolutely having a mental breakdown. The cops were like, there is no way that you knew what was going on.

My mother, because she was so strident about making it in this country, doing something that would get you arrested, you know, you're dead to me. He was undeserving of mention. But my mother said, here's the big news for you. There's no more money. There's nobody paying for your college because Marty is not going to contribute.

And he was not able to find work for years. So all of a sudden, my mother and my four sisters were living off of his savings.

My mother, her basic mantra was, you're old enough. go work.

And I was just all full steam ahead. I had to succeed.

And they said, okay, well, there's an opening and the Time Life building, which is legendary. I was excited. I wanted to work at Time or People. And they said, oh, it's Money Magazine. And I said, well, even in my 20s, I knew, get your foot in the door, sister, get your foot in the door. And I ended up at Money Magazine.

My mother's white knight had fallen off his horse and wasn't getting back on it. And she was wildly disappointed. She felt like she had gave birth to all these kids and given them this fantasy. And he was disappointing her. And their marriage did not survive.

I have my midtown job and I had my own apartment back uptown with my Dominican people up in Washington Heights. And I get a call from my brother and we talked a lot, but this call was later than usual and his tone was different. And I was like, what's up? And he said, oh, I talked to mom. Okay.

And we both kind of just stood there on the line in silence. That just seems odd, right? Like, why would you? Why was I?

I wanted her love so bad, and she couldn't love me enough to tell me the truth. Even before she died.

I couldn't put my finger on it. And I just could not shake this nagging feeling that something was wrong.

There was a story about me. The story that she was not telling any of us. And it didn't jive with who I was. I was getting close to 30. And it was a big mystery. But just as she began to ask those questions... I get a call from my sister from the hospital saying, I'm in the hospital with mom. She has colon cancer. Stage four. Stage four? I said, how do they know it's stage four?

You just got to the emergency room. They had just tried to change her into a gown and they could see all the tumors everywhere, all over her body.

So when he called me, I was pretty shocked. I automatically was like, something's wrong. I was like, what's going on? Are you okay? And he said, I need you to come visit me. He wouldn't tell me, but I knew it was serious. So she made the trip to see him. And we're at the kitchen table and he says to me, I gotta tell you, Poppy's not your father. Every cell in my body was just angry.

I said, okay, who is? And I knew what he was going to say, but I wanted to hear him say it. And he said, I am. I burst into tears, burning angry tears. Could not stop crying.

So I'm 30 years old and I'm hearing for the first time that my parents, the first people you're supposed to trust in the world, the first people that you're supposed to learn what trust is, lied to me. I was so angry, especially since I had begged so hard to be part of this family. And then there was this. This whole idea of how Marty was not allowed to financially support me.

My sisters didn't have to struggle so much. They were taken care of financially, but I was left to flail. What was that all about? So you're saying now I'm yours, but you didn't take care of me. You didn't, you know, I had no safety net. Where were you?

When I got back to New York, my apartment was decorated with this wonderful framed Chinese silk screen print that I had gotten in Chinatown.

Was I Chinese anymore?

How do I feel authentic as a human being? Like if your whole story is a lie, how do you feel authentic as a person?

I just saw in all of this the machinations of my mother who ruled the roost in the sense of what gets told and what doesn't get told. She needed to talk to her mom directly. She had only been given months to live. And I had to know if it was true.

I saw her in her emaciated frame and hugged her and we cried. but I still was strident inside because I knew that I was there to confront her about something.

What made me very, very sad was that this had to come out right before she was dying. And what made me triply sad was that she was going to die without telling me.

She did her typical Lupe thing. How dare he tell you something that was mine. It was my secret. It was my truth. And I reminded her, no, it was mine, okay? What happened?

He married off my mother and her sister to essentially Chinese gangsters for money. They had their paperwork and my mother and her sister didn't. So my grandfather arranged their marriages, ages of like 19 and 18.

She was like, I need to get us the best odds. That's the reason why she married an Anglo-American.

She was always dressed to the nines and the red lipstick was She, along with my grandmother and my abuela, both from the Dominican Republic, were seamstresses for Oscar de la Renta, who was Dominican and employed a lot of the Dominican women immigrants to New York City.

When Lupe found out she was pregnant with Carmen... Her story was she was in the car with her sister was driving, pulling up into the clinic. And Poppy Wong showed up.

She said that because Marty didn't want me, that he had no right to me. But because Poppy wanted me, I was his child. That was my father. He had the right to me. And she was going to live the rest of her life and go to her grave with this truth of hers. And sitting in my own anger and pain, I also looked at her with nothing but eyes of a skeptical detective.

It was my mother's truth, I tell ya.

And they dressed up to be seamstresses. My abuela as well, always in an Oscar suit that she probably made with her own hands.

I knew, I guess, what I needed to know, and I knew that I probably wasn't going to be able to find out anything else. And so we just focused on keeping her comfortable until she passed away.

I called my brother and I mentioned Poppy. And I was like, well, I got to tell him and I got to. And he just said in his very quiet way, because he was always very quiet. Please don't tell Poppy. Don't tell Poppy. I said, why? Because I was this big, like the truth must be known. And he said to me, look, Poppy doesn't have anybody. How much more did we need him to feel alone?

The neighborhood we lived in was mostly Dominican immigrants, Puerto Rican, basically of all colors. So for me, going to daycare, being around my cousins, lived across the street. My grandfather's cleaners was on the corner. And we all just coexisted in a very great, supportive way. Colorful, texture, smells, just the richness of it all. Not money, but life.

Would it have just been a punishment? What would it have done besides make me feel better? And would it have made me feel better?

So she decided... Poppy was the father I had.

I remained acting as Poppy's child, including taking care of him as he grew increasingly sick until he died. The day Poppy passed away, I took care of his cremation and everything, and I never said a word.

Lupe would have been proud. I was in New York. I now was, you know, an editor at a national magazine and paying all my bills. And I got married, divorced, had a wonderful daughter of my own. My brother ended up in a house full of girls and I had my own. And one Christmas, we decided to get genetic tests.

And we found it to be this more kind of like, how fun, how cool, how crazy.

So I was expecting to see that very disappointingly, I was not Chinese, but that I was gonna be full siblings with my sisters and that I was somehow half Italian. Well, the results come and I'm on my phone, I'm at the gym and I had to sit down because that's not what it said.

I can't tell you how much your physical body reacts to news. Breath knocked out of me. I had to sit, head spinning, called my brother. What the hell?

And he was like, well, you know, Europe, you know, Italy is close to Spain and they're close to each other. And you never know. My sister, I talked to her and she was like the same thing. Like, don't don't worry about it. Like, well, let's wait until my results come in. We all match up.

Let's check. Let's check the results. Nina says her tests are in, right? We click and we're all seeing the same screen. And all you hear is us going, it says I'm half siblings to all of them.

I couldn't help but marvel at the life she led to put me in that moment.

I didn't have anything beyond third and fourth cousins on this genetic test. So that started my quest. Wow. I had to find out who this guy was. My father. My real biological father.

He felt very much that it was his responsibility as an older sibling to make sure that I found this other family.

She was aging and ill, but he was like, you've got to ask her. She may have answers. Nothing. So I asked my godmother in the Dominicans. Nothing. Everyone said Lupe was always quiet and protective. You know, she held things very tightly. She didn't share much. We don't know. I hired a genealogist, even.

It's something that even now I look back on with nostalgia.

A few months into this process, I got that dreaded phone call like I got about my mother, this time for my sister-in-law about my brother. He'd had a cough that was lingering and wouldn't go away. He had stage four non-smoking lung cancer.

I think as he got this diagnosis, he realized that I would be very much alone.

And I said to him on those last few days, as I was holding his hand in the hospital, I was just like, man, you've got to go up there. You've got to talk to mom. You've got to, you've got to find me answers. And unfortunately, my brother passed away a year to the day of his diagnosis. The biggest devastation of my life is the loss of him.

I just wanted to get at the bottom of it. And frankly, though it was very important for me to find who my biological father was, More importantly, in some ways, was figuring out why my mother kept this secret. Why didn't she tell me?

We called him Poppy, Poppy Wong.

So I write the book. I hand in my first edits. I hadn't checked my genetic sites in a while because I felt very, I don't know, just discouraged. I mean, there's only so much. You can only wait until the right person takes a test. And maybe that never would happen. I couldn't pin my hopes on it anymore.

I just hit refresh. And it happened. The right person took the test. My niece, my paternal niece took the test. Right away, she sent her a message. And I sent just a nice kind of basic note saying, here's who I am. And I understand if you don't want to know me or you don't know who I am, or I understand if you don't have anything to do with me. I just want to know who he was.

He was like a Chinese Johnny Cash. That's what he looked like to me, with a black leather jacket and slick black pants and a pompadour.

I got a response within hours. I got an email from my real biological half-sister the next day.

He lived right up the street. Right up the street. from when I was a kid in Manhattan.

Unfortunately, my biological father passed away many years ago. I cried as if my father died. That's what it felt like in that moment. Like I got the news my father was dead. Another father. A father I never knew, but it still was my father died.

Even though my mother said that I was named after my godmother, whose name is Carmen, I highly suspect I was named after this youngest sibling, Carmen. My middle name is the same middle name as my stepfather, Marty's sister. And my last name is Wong. My three names are literally three names from the three different fathers.

So my biological sister knew I existed. from the time that she was in her 20s.

Every decade brought a new father along. 30, finding out that it wasn't dad number two. 40, then it's dad number three. Then 50. We know who he is now. And it was a wild revelation. Then I needed to process and write about what this all meant to me to have these three fathers.

It wasn't the ending that I thought I was going to get, but sometimes the universe just gives you little gifts.

He loved to take us to these very fancy Chinese restaurants where his boss would be like sitting on a higher level in the restaurant for more important people, for the VIPs.

How your genes express themselves is only one part of your identity. How you were raised and who were your parents is another part of your identity. I think what's important is... Your self-identity, the truth of your life. So for example, now do I say I'm Dominican Chinese, which I said all my life? No, what I say is I was raised Dominican Chinese.

I also can say I'm Latina, but I'm a Wong because that's what's important because that was my experience. I'm a Wong. I remain a Wong. I always will be a Wong.

When you are from a community that's, you know, looked down on or seen as lesser than, any mistake is magnified greatly, greatly. Everything has to be perfect and clean. And, you know, my gosh, I mean, my socks were ironed and I wore a slip under my uniform and, you know, my hair was perfectly ironed and everything has to be perfect. So no one can say a word against you.

It's about understanding, especially if it's a parent. When you understand and you see them as a separate human being, so much of the pain stops.

Through all of this, I've learned to, in many ways, redefine what family is. And for me, family is who shows up. And that was my brother. He showed up for me. I'm still a solo moon, kind of floating around, but I don't feel so untethered. And I'm hoping my daughter has the gift of not feeling untethered and instead feeling much more belonging than I had.

Breaking cycles, a big part of it isn't just telling the truth. A big part of it is there's no shame in my mother's story. All these things I should be ashamed of, my mother, you know, sleeping around and all this sort of stuff. No, this is life. And the shame ends here with me. Because in shame, you only find isolation and pain. And it keeps us, especially as women, very quiet.

We'd be snaking through the restaurant and he'd be saying hi to everybody and bring us up and introduce us to his boss and the people and show us off.

It's very oppressive. I was not going to let that continue. And if my story can help other people who feel shame about how they came into this world because their mother had an affair or they didn't tell them this or they didn't tell them that, if my story can make them feel less shame, that is so powerful because then they will not cause pain to the people they love around them.

We got stared at a little bit, but we very much felt like we were Wongs. This is where we belonged.

He would show up with a wad of bills. And he would love to tease my brother and I and say, you know, do you want $100? Do you want $200? How many dollars do you want?

My mother and Poppy were cordial. I think what I saw was my mother smiling and being cordial because she wanted him to support us and help support his children.

Because my mother was working, because Poppy wasn't living with us, and we were shuttled in between people during the day, my big brother was my protector. He was the only constant in my life.

I remember one day my mother bringing us to a man's apartment. He was a white man. He had a mustache and this big 70s kind of curly hair and glasses and smoked a pipe and, you know, seemed very educated. The two of us were thinking at the same time, something's happening. What is happening?

I remember the first time this man, I call him Marty, in the morning woke up and made us breakfast, which we'd never seen a man in a kitchen before. Woke up and made us eggs, soggy eggs, and then offered ketchup with the egg. And my brother was horrified and refused to eat anything. And I remember just looking at this guy and looking at the way my mother looked at him.

And I realized I needed him to like me. So I was like, okay, to the ketchup on the eggs.

It was that sudden. It was boom, boom, boom. It almost felt as if there was no time in between. It could have been in a matter of a couple of months.

away from all of our family, away from everybody and everything we knew, to a place that was completely, might as well have been Mars.

So my stepfather, Marty, had to teach her how to drive. And the only time he could do that was after work. and it was dark and we're in our little neighborhood and we get pulled over on our street, my brother and I in the back seat, and I don't know what's happening. This is terrifying. And a police officer says to my stepfather, we got a report of some Puerto Ricans in the neighborhood.

And thankfully, my stepfather, of course, you know, as a white man, was just like, no officer. We lived right, you know, and his driver's license had our address. We lived right down the street.

So to all of a sudden be told that we looked bad, therefore were bad, bad enough to call the police on our own street. That message stuck with me forever.

When I started grade school there, my brother and I were just in for the shock of our lives. We were the only brown, brown, black nation people around there.

My mother was constantly drilling into my head. Education was the way to make it in this country. She was a very smart woman who had to leave her country and leave school at the age of 15. So she channeled all of her ambition into me. And I wanted my mother's love, so I had to get those A's because she loved me when I got A's. I just became the model student.

Carmen's so smart and she's doing so great. It's because she's Chinese. It's the Chinese in her. I was proud for a split second because I was a Wong. So I'm, you know, I was proud of being a Wong for a split second. But then I looked at my mother's face and I realized she was not the Wong.

In the car ride home, I wanted to assess my mother because I felt like she might have been hurt by that comment. And so I said, you know, mommy, Sister Rita said I was smart because I was Chinese. And my mother just did a Mona Lisa smile. And that was it. But I knew she was not only okay, but she somehow had something one up on this nun.

By the time I was 11 years old, there were four children under the age of six in the house. My sisters, they had a different last name and having a white father, they were treated differently. So I felt like an orbiting moon, right? like I didn't belong. I begged my stepfather to adopt me, for me to change my name. I so wanted to be part of this new family, but they kept telling me no.

She explained to me from very young age that anything that was mine and my brother's, whether it was tuition, clothing, expenses, anything was paid for by Papi. And that my stepfather, besides the roof over our head and the food at the dinner table, was not contributing to my brother and I at all.

I went from seeing him a lot to barely seeing him, only a few times a year. So I was looking for her dad.

It was another plea to just be a part of this family. And I had four little sisters who called him dad.

My way of getting close to Marty was involving myself in whatever he was doing. whether it was changing a tire or fixing the car or chopping wood or grilling a burger or reading the Wall Street Journal. I became this surrogate boy of his.

My brother left for college, which broke my heart. I missed him so much.

And in the summers... He would go work with Poppy to earn basically extra money for college.

And then one night, my mother comes to my room. I'm studying. And she does that thing when the parents want to talk to you about something serious. They sit next to you in the bed. I'm like, what's up, Mom? And she says, Poppy and your brother have been arrested.

was heroin.