Caroline Adams Miller

We have to wake up to the fact that we do not have goal-setting productivity systems embedded in the world or in companies that are evidence-based or that ask people as they're setting their strategy, will this strategy work for someone who looks like me? Can I find a woman, a person of color,

who has also achieved or built this character trait or done this hard thing who I can relate to, because you know what? How they did it is not gonna match many of the stories they've heard on podcasts, is not gonna match some of the people we see in documentaries. You have to step back and say, will it work for me? And then just like I did with overcoming my bulimia, find a Betsy.

I looked at that woman across the room in that church in Baltimore, Maryland, who said, my name is Betsy and I'm recovering from bulimia one day at a time. I just got goosebumps again, because it changed my life. There was my role model. She was good. And she did. She taught me how to overcome bulimia one day at a time.

You can't just follow a recipe that has worked for people who don't look like you sound like you come from your culture, be vigilant, be thoughtful, be awake at the wheel, not asleep at the wheel.

So there are four ways to build self-efficacy. One is a vicarious role model, somebody in your environment. It's also someone who believes in you, and that's a big one, having a mentor or sponsor. But by and large, Bandura found that the number one way to build self-efficacy was to break big goals down into smaller pieces and have mastery experiences. So

Don't be daunted or overwhelmed by the fact that you have a big goal. I have this whole methodology and worksheets in this book that'll walk you through how to set the right big goals and make sure your strategy matches it. But we have to set goals that are appropriate for us, our goals, intrinsically motivated. and then break it down into different steps.

But we also have to take a look at my bridge methodology is brainstorming relationships, investments, decision-making hygiene, good grit, and your standards of excellence. You have to look at all of those because every one of them is going to involve steps that need to be taken that will build up mastery.

And another thing I'll say, when you look at relationships is people catch behaviors in their environments. And if you want to do hard things and it requires grit or resilience or the ability to have more self-regulation or willpower, take a look at the tribe that you spend time with. Take a look at the emails that you open.

Take a look at the conversations that you listen to in the hallways, wherever you work or live or spend time, because those are going to have a massive impact on whether or not you have the support you need to accomplish your goals. And this goes to Shelly Gable's research. Shelly Gable's research on active constructive responding really makes people wake up.

You see the shade snapping open in people's eyes when they hear about active constructive responding. She found that there's only one right way to respond when someone tells you they have a big goal or they've done something hard and meaningful that they feel proud of. The only one right way to respond that your brain says, this is a good thing.

And I'm going to do more of this is if that person responds with curiosity and enthusiasm. Her research found that there are three other ways to respond, which is passive, aggressive, passive, destructive, and active destructive. And they're all about either changing the subject or saying mean things or whatever, devaluing that person's excitement about what they've done.

And if you share your big goal or your success with the first person who responds to that, the first responder research is what I call it, that person has the power to make you disengage from that goal and just stop doing it. So think really carefully about who has your back, who's in your circle.

Do you have a mastermind group that believes in you and you respond with curiosity and enthusiasm to their goals? This is again, where I want to call out women for a moment. There is research showing that 84% of women admit to being surrounded by frenemies. Friends who are enemies. And why do women do this? Because they don't want anyone to think they're not nice.

And as I learned this research, what I realized was we're doing this at our own peril. And we're thinking, well, one day my mom will say something nice about what I've accomplished. One day, my sister-in-law, my cousin, my best friend, they'll be happy for me, but they must not mean what they're doing. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

And this is where you have to really take active steps is when you've got big goals, Bandura talks about the importance of being around people who believe in you, vicarious role models, supporters, and people who help you achieve mastery. And so do not make the mistake of being around people who suck more than they give. So I'll stop right there.

So Amy Edmondson was in my husband's class at Harvard and I'd followed her work for years. She's a professor at Harvard Business School. And what's really important at work is when you're in a meeting that your voice is heard. And I'm going to go back to women again.

So it's a safe place to express your feelings, even if you're the newest employee, to give your ideas, to not be interrupted or mansplained or eyes rolled or being cut off. So you have to have that. But Phyllis Chesler is someone I've really followed her research. She's at NYU. And in her book, Woman's Inhumanity to Woman, she has this unbelievable line.

And again, the whole book is evidence-based. It weighs as much as a brick, but it's worth it. She said, no one mourns little girls to expect incoming fire for the rest of their lives. that it will come in the form of passive aggressive comments. I put up with it. You could mean girls. That's just how women are. Just accept it. She talks about the fact that we have all of this incoming fire.

And what I realized when I wrote the book is, Many of us don't have psychological safety outside of the workplace. So the workplace is one place that has gotten an enormous amount of publicity and justifiably so, but what about a lack of psychological safety elsewhere?

When you're at home eating dinner, when you're out sitting on the soccer field, watching your kids play, what are you absorbing there? Again, be vigilant. It's not just at work. So that's what I have to say about psychological safety.