Catherine Joy White

So it just made no sense to me that he was no longer there. And I fell apart. I think my family fell apart. And then weeks later, we're in a global pandemic. The world fell apart. And I developed this sort of thing that was just pushing down on my chest. And at every moment, I felt like I was looking behind, looking over my shoulder, just waiting for this next bad thing to happen.

Because something bad was happening, I was sure of it. But then I would try and reassure myself I'm a positive person. No, no, no, you're fine. You're absolutely fine because the worst possible thing has already happened. So, okay, deep breaths. And then in January 2021, one year later, I got a message in a group chat with my friends.

Because something bad was happening, I was sure of it. But then I would try and reassure myself I'm a positive person. No, no, no, you're fine. You're absolutely fine because the worst possible thing has already happened. So, okay, deep breaths. And then in January 2021, one year later, I got a message in a group chat with my friends.

Because something bad was happening, I was sure of it. But then I would try and reassure myself I'm a positive person. No, no, no, you're fine. You're absolutely fine because the worst possible thing has already happened. So, okay, deep breaths. And then in January 2021, one year later, I got a message in a group chat with my friends.

And I still remember this really surreal detail of an apology for the way the message was being conveyed, not for the actual message itself. And the message said that my friend Simon had ended his life by suicide. And, well, I couldn't utter the word what this time because it was beyond all comprehension. So... I just paused.

And I still remember this really surreal detail of an apology for the way the message was being conveyed, not for the actual message itself. And the message said that my friend Simon had ended his life by suicide. And, well, I couldn't utter the word what this time because it was beyond all comprehension. So... I just paused.

And I still remember this really surreal detail of an apology for the way the message was being conveyed, not for the actual message itself. And the message said that my friend Simon had ended his life by suicide. And, well, I couldn't utter the word what this time because it was beyond all comprehension. So... I just paused.

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, because this thing was weighing deeper and deeper on my chest. And in lockdown, there was no other option available to me, so I walked. And I walked every day, and I passed this lake. And it became quite intriguing to me. It was kind of vast and mysterious and imposing, and I went back to it again and again and again. And one day, I stopped at this lake,

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, because this thing was weighing deeper and deeper on my chest. And in lockdown, there was no other option available to me, so I walked. And I walked every day, and I passed this lake. And it became quite intriguing to me. It was kind of vast and mysterious and imposing, and I went back to it again and again and again. And one day, I stopped at this lake,

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, because this thing was weighing deeper and deeper on my chest. And in lockdown, there was no other option available to me, so I walked. And I walked every day, and I passed this lake. And it became quite intriguing to me. It was kind of vast and mysterious and imposing, and I went back to it again and again and again. And one day, I stopped at this lake,

I looked at it, and I just thought, I've got to get in. And it was an icy English January, so there wasn't really anyone else around. But I still had my teenage fears in the back of my head, so I sort of glanced in the bushes, made sure there was no creepy stalker lurking. And stripped off my clothes, bra and pants, and I got in. Oh my God, it was freezing.

I looked at it, and I just thought, I've got to get in. And it was an icy English January, so there wasn't really anyone else around. But I still had my teenage fears in the back of my head, so I sort of glanced in the bushes, made sure there was no creepy stalker lurking. And stripped off my clothes, bra and pants, and I got in. Oh my God, it was freezing.

I looked at it, and I just thought, I've got to get in. And it was an icy English January, so there wasn't really anyone else around. But I still had my teenage fears in the back of my head, so I sort of glanced in the bushes, made sure there was no creepy stalker lurking. And stripped off my clothes, bra and pants, and I got in. Oh my God, it was freezing.

Like a thousand needles stabbing every single inch of my body, freezing. But as I sort of gasped for breath and tried to remember those motions that I'd been taught all those years earlier, I felt something. So I went back the next morning. in proper swimsuit this time. And I felt it again. And I went back again the next day and the next. And days turned into weeks.

Like a thousand needles stabbing every single inch of my body, freezing. But as I sort of gasped for breath and tried to remember those motions that I'd been taught all those years earlier, I felt something. So I went back the next morning. in proper swimsuit this time. And I felt it again. And I went back again the next day and the next. And days turned into weeks.

Like a thousand needles stabbing every single inch of my body, freezing. But as I sort of gasped for breath and tried to remember those motions that I'd been taught all those years earlier, I felt something. So I went back the next morning. in proper swimsuit this time. And I felt it again. And I went back again the next day and the next. And days turned into weeks.

And one day I'm in this routine and I'm swimming and something happens with that same thing. And it came up and up and up. And I just started to sob. And I don't know if anyone's actually experienced the feeling of crying in a body of water before, but it's actually quite hard to stay afloat. So I was sort of panicking and swam to the shore because I didn't want to drown.

And one day I'm in this routine and I'm swimming and something happens with that same thing. And it came up and up and up. And I just started to sob. And I don't know if anyone's actually experienced the feeling of crying in a body of water before, but it's actually quite hard to stay afloat. So I was sort of panicking and swam to the shore because I didn't want to drown.

And one day I'm in this routine and I'm swimming and something happens with that same thing. And it came up and up and up. And I just started to sob. And I don't know if anyone's actually experienced the feeling of crying in a body of water before, but it's actually quite hard to stay afloat. So I was sort of panicking and swam to the shore because I didn't want to drown.

And I got to the shore, and I sat with my arms around my knees, and I cried like a baby. But I knew in that moment I'd found something with this swimming. And I carried on and I carried on, and the weather was getting a bit warmer, and one day, there I am, headphones in, walking to the lake, and there's this woman in my spot. LAUGHTER And I'm looking at her thinking, this is my place.