Character Name (Unknown)
Appearances
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
This experience made me realize how unsafe our country really is. Thank you for your service.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Hey, Rom. It's me. I, um, I'm in Alaska. It's a long story, but the point is I'm not going to make it home in time to clean up. I know what you're going to say. I should have let you help with the cleanup and the party and my entire life. I just, I really wanted to do it on my own. And big surprise to no one, I couldn't. Can't. Anyway, um... You were right. I'm a disaster.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I'll look for a new place when I get back. Mom and Dad have dealt with me long enough. So have you.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
It happens. I can't go with you, Vix. You're in this mess because of me. And if I get more involved, I'll just make it worse.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Ow! I'm serious. I am a walking plague. I try to take initiative. I try to take charge. And everyone just ends up wishing I didn't. Well, I'm going to save them the trouble. I'm going home.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Vixen, Vixen, let me down. I'm not like a horse girl, and I've already tested my limits enough to die!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I know you're done with the eight miracles, but I really need one more, okay? Please wake up.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Santa, I am so sorry I did this to you. You didn't come to my house for a reason. Why would Christmas be about me? I hijacked your holiday because JK Rowling was right. I'm a Jewish goblin, but I swear to you, I will get you home to the right people for the job so they can help you. I should have just done that in the first place.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Come on. You know the way. You've been doing this for billions of years.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Please, just get him home. Do it for him. I know you can do it. You're actual magic. Please save Santa, okay? Just get him home, okay, Dasher? Come on, Dancer, Prancer.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen, on Carl, on Michael, on something, John, Jinglehammer, I don't know. Please just go. Cupid, Marcus, and Blitzen, you guys are being annoying. You know what I mean, just come on. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike, Ralph, Johnny, move your ass.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
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Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Hi, I'm back. I was on a plane and Santa crashed it and then he ran out of miracles and I think it blew his system because now he's catatonic and the sleigh's all messed up and the flying fawns got me here, okay? Now we need your help.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Sotnick, please. I know tonight was rough because of me, but there are bigger issues at hand here. Santa's a wreck, the sleigh's damaged, and we ran out of presents. Don't you think we already know that? How?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Careful. You don't want to gain the 4-20-20. Or in my case, 50. God, what a rush. Did you see me own that takeoff? I didn't know you were going to be there, and I still just went for it. I could see how you get hooked on this every year. What do we got left?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
If you know about this, then why aren't you doing something?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I didn't listen. I didn't accept your help because that's what I do. I've been doing it my whole life. My best friend filled out a job application, so I'd stop stalling. Do you think I thanked her?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
No. I pushed her away because I wanted her to think that I was capable of doing it on my own. I'm not. Or how about my parents and shitty sister offering to help throw a family party? Did I use it as an opportunity to bond and spend quality time together?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I shut them out because I'd rather prove that they should have had faith in me in the first place. And why wouldn't they, right? I've only botched every other social event I've been in charge of. And those examples are just from the past 24 hours, so. Yeah.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I really wanted to believe that when the real life Santa Claus showed up at my house on a night when I really needed it, he was there to prove that I could finally be trusted, depended on, believed in. And then you guys came on the radio and you echoed all of the things I'd been running from. And I wanted so badly to show you and everyone else that you were all wrong about me.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
But the thing is, I knew you weren't. And I took Christmas hostage anyway. And for what? It doesn't matter if Eve or my parents or even Santa believes in me. Because the truth is, I don't believe in myself.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
So I'm here to give you the reins because he needs you. The world needs you. There's still time. Or there isn't. I have zero grasp on how the time stuff works, but I know this. If anyone can get the job done, it's you puppet-looking laborers. And I think it's time for the elf to get off the goddamn shelf and get to work to save Christmas!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Where in the pear tree do you think you're going? Uh, somewhere I can be out of your hair and not ruin things further. Did you not hear my big speech?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Look, I know what you're doing and it's really nice, but I don't need a pity invite. It's not pity.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Am I reading this wrong? It seems like there's hardly any deliveries in this area.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
You might want to add a safety feature so it's harder to turn off the autopilot. Just a suggestion.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
How is this sobering him up? True love's kiss. Mrs. Claus didn't do the trick.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Oh, hey. So glad you're feeling better. Good luck and sorry.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Me? You want me to come? Wait, like you're gonna drop me off on the way or?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
That's literally worse than not getting anything. Who even decides who's bad or good?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Do you? I still don't understand how the time thing works. It has to be daytime in Alaska by now. Winter solstice!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Do you even consider what these kids have gone through? How this is gonna affect them? That's some self-fulfilling prophecy bullshit. You know, maybe I wouldn't constantly fuck up if my family didn't anticipate me constantly fucking up. What even is considered naughty? Like, what did Chase Byron do that was so bad?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Happy Cha-Cha-Cha! With your track record, I am so nervous about what this is going to be.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I'm really glad you didn't turn out to be a Christmas-themed murderer. So, oh, are we supposed to laugh? My bad.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Okay. I better go face the music. My family went to lunch, but I doubt there's enough bagels and lox in the world to buy me time to clean up before they get home and then disown me.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Yeah, well, my parents aren't going to believe the whole I went on a Christmas adventure with Santa excuse, so... Bernie turns around and Santa is gone. That's rude.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
told 1,500 people to kill themselves online. Okay, yeah, that one's pretty bad, but maybe he's from a broken home or having a hard time or just needs someone to believe in him.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Did you do all of this by yourself? I had a little help. Happy Hanukkah. I'm so happy you're home and I'm so sorry for everything.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I should have let you help with the party. You're really good at this stuff and I want to do more things together. I love you.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Tell them it's a Hanukkah miracle. You don't know how correct that statement actually is.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Gimel all your money. You cheated, Bubby! It's okay, Sam. I've got more gilts. BRB.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Last time I spoke to her was nine hours ago and she was not answering her phone. She was off with some bearded Zeus who I know is not her uncle. Sorry, I need to get my fucking glasses. Okay. Last time I spoke to her was nine hours ago. She was not answering her phone. She was off with some bearded Zeus who I know wasn't her uncle.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Market TSA told me she got arrested and I logged onto her account and it said she was on a flight and then made an emergency landing in Alaska.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Yeah, you know what? God, this is exactly what is wrong with this world. Cancel culture. It's as old as time itself.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Why aren't you doing anything? Didn't you hear what I said? Bernie's in trouble!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Non-dim-o-tation! Watch that dreidel spin, spin, spin!
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
We ask that you make sure that all carry-on luggage is stowed away safely during the flight. While we wait for takeoff, please take a moment to review the safety data card in the front... Nope.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
We ask that you make sure that all carry-on luggage is stowed away safely during the flight. While we wait for takeoff, please take a moment to review the safety data card in the seat pocket in front of you.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Three minutes! A new record! Yes! You're going to nail your first flight.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Stop quoting your psychic. Sorry. Pastor. Merry Christmas, Bernie.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Luxury living awaits at Fairmont. Preferred Living's newest community in the Westerville, New Albany area. Start the day in your stylish suite with soaring ceilings, spa-inspired bathrooms, and smart home features. Get moving in the fitness and wellness center before grabbing a Starbucks coffee at the clubhouse.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Then spend the afternoon by the pool, perfecting your swing on the golf simulator or grilling with friends. Schedule your tour of Fairmont at livepreferred.com. That's livepreferred.com.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Ever heard of catch more bees with honey? Hurt people hurt people. When they go low, we go high.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
We can make this right. Time will slow down just enough so that we can deliver Christmas to everyone. But in order to make that happen, I need you to keep your shit together. Can you do that?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Great. Then let's give these little delinquents a Christmas they won't forget.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Well, luckily, we only have Alaska left, and they'll probably mistake your whaling for a wolf.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Good thing Alaska's small. I'm starving. Did Munchie Santa clean house, or are there any snacks left?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I am being 100% right now when I tell you that I genuinely cannot wait for the next miracle.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Maybe there's a nibble in the sack? A Christmas orange, perhaps?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I know not a ton of people live in Alaska, but there's legit nothing in here.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Like, actually nothing. No presents. What do we do? Do we call the elves? Do they, like, magically refill it or something?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
I'm not following. You have a way to get more presents?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Okay, I get it. You've gone through another miracle. You're douche Santa. Awesome.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Oh, my God. Is that ham? Was that really in my ear? You put a ham in a Jewish person's canal.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Okay, so, just to get this straight, you want to sneak into a minor's private bedroom, startle them awake with meat magic, and then have them post it without parental consent, documenting the evidence of everything I just stated?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Oh my god. I gave the nice kids gifts to the naughty kids. How do we get more gifts?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just ruined Christmas for the entire state of Alaska, the suicide capital of America. Okay, there's got to be something we can do. We could break into a mall.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Steal some gifts. The elves can replace them later. Alaska's small. It shouldn't be a big thing.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
No! What about cute IOU notes with very specific promises so they know Christmas is real, just like a little late?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Yeah, dude, not helpful. Can Gaston Santa be quiet for a minute so I can think of a way to fix this giant mess I've made?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Okay, that's Jesus. Um, we could rob a candy place or a closed toy store. Does this thing have GPS?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Hello? I have to pee. You can't just... It's been an hour. I have rights. Alaska is still America. Right?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Is this a lawyer? Don't I get to pick my own... Why won't you tell me the rules?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Hello? Bernie, it's me. It's Gimble. Gimble? From the airport. No, no, I know who you are. You're the reason I'm in here. What, are you calling a gloat? Well, there's no need. Congratulations, I'm finally getting mine. I'm at rock bottom. Enjoy what's left.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
Wow. A lot to unpack there, but, um... Crazy or not, I don't think you're gonna be able to get me out of airport prison. I'm pretty sure leaving a hole in the roof of O'Hare made me a terrorist. I don't understand. And?
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3
So... Yeah! So... So you're telling me all of the evidence of us being arrested is just what? Magically erased?