Charles Yu
speaker
51 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Charles Yu’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
I'm Ronny Chieng. We got so much to talk about tonight. Joe Biden takes a farewell tour, Florida tackles the scourge of reading, and an NYPD is hunting for a master criminal who loves pumpkin spice lattes. So let's get into the headlines. Let's start with Joe Biden. Who's that? That name sounds so familiar. But anyway, what did he do?
Oh, I know that look. That's the face I make when I ask someone how their weekend was, and instead of saying good, they actually answer the question. I mean, he looks so uninterested. It would have been less rude to just put on a VR headset at that point. It's like, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm still listening to you. I'm just on a roller coaster. But hey, don't worry.
Biden might have at least one fun thing planned for his last few days in office.
Man, pardons are getting so confusing. I mean, it used to be that you had to commit a crime to be pardoned, but now Biden has to do this weird, like, minority report pre-pardon thing where it's like, hey, we know you didn't do anything, but Trump thinks you did something, so I'm going to pardon you for anything you did, even though you didn't do it. It's what our founders would have wanted.
Also, also, who in their right mind would reject a presidential pardon? I mean, do you want to go to jail? That's where Diddy is. OK, look, if you're going to reject a pardon, just give it to me. OK, I'll take it. Hand it over. I'll probably need it if Donald Trump comes after me for political satire, speaking truth to power or opening a credit card in my roommate's name. All right.
Any of those things. Anyway, let's move on, because the story that everyone is talking about isn't in Washington, D.C. It's right here in New York City, where a manhunt continues for a man accused of carrying out a targeted hit on a health insurance CEO. And investigators have been finding clues in some surprising places.
Would you train a mouse to write on it with some kind of mouse crayon? I mean, who gives a how he wrote it? It's not important how he wrote it. What's important is that he wrote it, okay? This guy knows that there are so many bullet casings on the streets of New York and he wanted to make sure we knew which ones were his, right? And now, yeah, I don't know. if we should be applauding that.
And now they're trying to interpret what deny, defend, and depose means. And it looks like it's either a criticism of the health insurance industry, or this guy was just trying to solve the world on his bullets or something. Honestly, I think all bullets should probably say stuff on them. I mean, how else are we gonna get Americans to read again, right?
We should load up a machine gun with a tale of two cities written in it. I mean, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But now, the cops just need to narrow down their list of suspects to anyone in America who hates their healthcare plan and has access to guns. It should be solved in no time. And there's one other thing that might help them piece this together.
Okay, you stopped at a Starbucks on your way to your assassination. Like, oh, you know me, I can't even think about murdering until I've had my coffee. This is helpful, though, because the guy went to the Starbucks. So we now know he's either a tourist or a local who really needed to take a shit.
And if he did use the bathroom, they'll definitely have his DNA because 99% of Starbucks bathroom users somehow missed the toilet. But that's not the only major crime story today. We also have crime in the skies.
Okay, first of all, that's not what a stowaway is, okay? A stowaway has to hug the wheel or hang onto the wing like Tom Cruise. If you're just inside the plane without a seat, you're not a stowaway. You're just losing at musical chairs, okay? And if security's so lax, hey, maybe I should have just left that bottle of shampoo in my backpack instead of trying to smuggle it up my ass. I mean...
Am I crazy? Like, how did she do this? Airport security is so complicated now. Like, they have ropes and the dogs and the machines and people and the scanner that, like, takes your naked photo and posts it on the internet. Like, what kind of secret agent acrobatics did she have to do to get past all of that?
Oh, that's it? That's it. We give TSA $10 billion a year and all they got was her water. TSA is like, hey, we literally don't care who you are or what you plan on doing, just do not stay hydrated. For more on this story, let's go live to the airport with Grace Kuhlensmith. Grace. Grace. Grace, how did this woman evade airport security?
Okay, what the hell? Grace, we sent you down there to interview the TSA. Why are you under arrest?
Okay, Grace, it's not your job to get arrested sneaking through a flight crew lane.
Okay, but you didn't have a boarding pass.
Okay. But you didn't have a seat.
Okay, wait. Wait, so once you got on the plane, that's how they got you?
Okay, Grace, do you have anything to report on at all?
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