Charlie Bleeker

One, two, three.

So you guys knew? How? I only figured it out a couple of months ago. Who told you? Well, let's see. Your parents, teachers, mailman. Coach Riley, Pastor Tim, Shalumba, that foreign exchange kid back in eighth grade.

You know how hard it was for me to admit? Oh, relax. Gay is the new black. Just ask Charlie's gay black wife. Yeah, the only reason we never said anything was because it seemed like such a big deal to you. So wait, this entire time I could have been just proud and loud.

Sure, yup, I'll call ya. What was that all about? That? Just one of my backers telling me he's, uh, he's back.

Hey, here's the man of the hour.

What's with the long faces? I thought we were celebrating. Celebrating what exactly? Our collective midlife crises? Sammy coming out, you being canned? Whatever. Listen, I got three words for you. Kill me now. All-inclusive vacation. Oh, please don't tell me this has something to do with your investment opportunity. Gentlemen, a little investment opportunity has fallen into my lap.

And there it is. I would like the two of you to join me on a sun-filled getaway to... Yes, the answer is yes. Oh, sorry, go on. Columbia. Yes! Columbia? Are you insane?

Okay, let's see. Kidnapping, drug cartels, salted pork. Pick one. The only people who go to Columbia are drug mules and guys with hairy chests named Rico. Okay, first off, racist. Secondly, you just described half the Bay Area.

Check this out. Pareso Perdido. Oh, please tell me you did not buy a vacation resort. Better. I bought it. Okay, well, not yet, but my buddy Manny's making us an incredible deal. Marcus, you are insane, and I have prison man love for you. Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Did you just say us? It's the deal of a lifetime. Why wouldn't I want to cut my best friends in?

Okay, because I thought we agreed you were going to run these kind of things by me from now on. I am! Right now! We're taking five glorious days of coma-inducing fun in the Caribbean sun. Columbia's not in the Caribbean! Whatever, Comrade Xavier. Ha ha ha! Marcus, you do not know the first thing about running a resort. So we hire people to run it for us. You keep using this word, us.

All right, look, if it wasn't for me, all you'd ever do is stay home, play with your dolls, and cry over your failed marriage. They are reenactment figurines. Besides, you need this. It's time to get back on the whore. with an S. Plural. Exactly. Wouldn't you rather be an action figure instead of play with him?

No, no, I can't just up and run off to Columbia. I've got responsibilities.

The old Charlie would have jumped at a chance like this.

Carla, why the hell is my son tied up?

Charlie throws Carla a look.

Well, I came by to tell Ben I won't be able to take him to the Civil War reenactment this weekend. Turns out I need to work.

The camping trip. He forgot? Yeah, absolutely. I just want you to have fun. Just don't let her tie you to any trees.

Stay in your lane. Wouldn't you rather be an action figure instead of play with them?

Oh, you want to play?

Matter of fact, Carla, I am headed to a little country called Colombia. Only one of the deadliest places on Earth. Jungle's so dense, even the trees will kill you. 20-foot anaconda ready to swallow you up.

A cesspool of cutthroat gorillas and drug pushers armed to the teeth with automatic weapons looking to rip out your tongue and use it for a stamp licker. That's where I'm going. And if you ever tie my kid up again, I will come back and show you how it's done. We clear, Carl?

Keep your eyes peeled, man. He said there'd be a driver.

I need a Fanta. Anyone else? Click, photo of Charlie. How about a tetanus shot? Shots! Yeah, now you're thinking. All right, let me see if I can find our ride. Do bring the car around, Marcus.

Excellent, excellent. Did, uh, Senor Rojas send you? See? Manny Rojas? He said he'd send a car, but I guess... Did you just say Manolo Rojas? Oh, great! So you do know Manny.

Wait, wait, aren't you guys... Guys? !

But what's your name? Can I call you? What a beautiful name. In your dreams, Charlie.

Oh Christ, now what?

Oh, yeah. What did she say her name was? It was something exotic sounding. Something like that.

En tus sueños.

Unbelievable. Were you following me?

Seriously, no.

I have no idea what you're going to say.

Slowly, cautiously, of course.

Well, to see my publisher, if he must know. So if we're done,

I just got that.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, really? Because I thought it had something to do with, oh, I don't know, you suddenly discovering that you are a lesbian!

Are we done?

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Aw, poor little guy.

Propriada de Pablo Escobar. Holy shit, dude. Not just any rhino. You just killed Pablo Escobar's rhino. Is that bad? I would say that is in a whole other fucking time zone from bad. End of act one.

Aim higher next time. Okay, Terrence, on the phone, you said you had some important news.

Well, okay, but you know what? That's actually a good thing because I was thinking of switching things up. You know, maybe write a thriller.

It's called fiscal responsibility.

Oh, hello, Marcus. How's my old asbestos friend? I'm fine, Charlie. Thanks for asking. Listen, I'm late for Ben's career day. Whoa, Ben needs a job? Why didn't you say so? Can he tend Bart? Uh, he's nine, so I'm thinking no.

Men's room attendant, then. Anyway, listen, I need your input on a business thingy. Okay, what kind of business thingy? Investment opportunity. Love it. Okay, Marcus, I'm pretty swamped these days. Working on a new book. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, remind me again, who saved you from drowning back in third grade? Sam did. Only because I pushed him in, too.

What's the matter? Nothing. Nothing. We'll discuss it at Sam's party, so do not bail.

Oh, is that tonight?

Okay, gotta go. Talk later.

Career day. I'm Charlie Bleeker, Ben's dad.

Did you guys learn nothing from the last thing I did here?

No, she's not.

Ben's actual dad.

Oh, Stacy and I are, well, we're just so happy to have our friends and family here.

To help us celebrate our, oh, engagement like, like this and, well, we, we look forward to seeing you at,

Oh, fuck it. Oui, mon chéri, oui, oui, oui.

No, no, no, no, this is cool. This is Manny. He's the guy I was telling you about. Wait, you know this man? Know him? He's my realtor. Manny's the one who flew us down to check out the property. Maldito idiota. Yes.

Okay, okay, calm down. Escobar has been dead for years.

He hasn't been seen in ten years. If anything, this rhino is probably proof that he is dead.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait up!

They took the truck. So we're stranded? Look, no one saw what happened but us, right? Ernie's not going to tell anyone. They were his guns. I say we're in the clear.

He said we were close. Either that or he's taking us to the circus.

Partying, tripping out with a local, shooting a rhino? I mean, if this doesn't get the old juices flowing, then nothing will.

Stay cool and try to blend in.

It's Ernie.

Aside from puking on a cop, and in the squad car, and in the station, it seems we may have ignited a teeny tiny cartel war. What are you talking about? The cop thinks you shot Escapora's rhino. What? The shop? The shop? No, the cop. The cop thinks you shot Escobar's Ronald to send a message. They're calling you El Cantador.

Who knew there was a dress code?