Christina Gonzalez

Woo! Howdy, y'all. I love dogs. I love them. Can you guys tell I'm Cuban? Hold on. How about now? All right, Miami just showed up. It's a hand-me-down. When everybody finds out I'm Cuban, they always ask me one thing. They're like, hey, can you get me some Cuban cigars? No. I don't even speak Spanish. So now when they ask me that, I just whip my dick out. I'm like, you can smoke this.

But they're always disappointed. They're expecting a BCC, a big Cuban cigar. And I whip out a Swisher Sweet. Doesn't even last as long as Swisher. How do you measure your penis? In seconds, inches, or strokes? Thank you.

That guy, dripping. Right now, dripping. Nah, Solomon, he's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. A weird guy, though. Yep.

Right? Every time I've been on, you've made fun of my outfit, so I tried to dress up a little nicer tonight.

Yeah. Wow. I was in sweatpants last time.

Yeah, you told me to go to bed.

I keep a Zen pouch. I'm trying to quit vaping. Okay. Wow. I've quit drinking this year, actually, too.

I shit white. What?

It was actually at the Kill Tony Arena in the H-E-B. I went there, and I was drinking with all my buddies, and I got some tall boys on the way home, and I drank those two tall boys. I woke up in the morning, and I had to shit. And... I looked in the toilet after and it was like grayish white and I was like, oh, that's not good.

I might be. I don't look at Cuban at all. And so I think people call me a fake Cuban actually, so.

I try to make sure it's healthy looking.

I looked it up, and it said liver issues. But I do hard drugs, though, instead. Okay. I still consider myself sober. I did Molly on Saturday. Sorry, Mom. All right.

I got my blood work done, and they said they weren't worried about it.

I think my insurance did. Okay.

No, she actually referred me to a therapist. Really? Yeah. Okay, we're learning a lot here.

Not ketamine. What? The normal therapy. That's the only other therapy I know of, is normal therapy and ketamine. Okay, wow, you go to, your brain. I've never been to ketamine therapy though.

I work at a phone company that I hate.

No, I did not. Lost opportunity there. I took a picture of that big, fat rapper guy, Dave Blunts. I was at his concert recently. He's hard to get a good picture of because it was unflattering, everything I took.

I've never had a bad review, but I'm on a bit of a hiatus. I'm trying to get into a real relationship again. Okay.

I'm past the hookup phase of my life, I think. I've done all that, and now I'm trying to get into something meaningful again. Not really trying to. I'm kind of focused more on... doing this shit, sadly.

It's never been bloody or anything. That's what it would concern me.

I got catfished by a girl with cerebral palsy once. Whoa!

She wouldn't talk to me on the phone before we went on the date and then she couldn't find the place on the date and so then she finally called me and she was like, hello? And I was like, oh shit. And yeah, she was walking with like a limp. And I was like, oh, like, are you sure? Are you good to go on a walk? She's like, yeah, I have CP. And I didn't know that meant cerebral palsy.

I thought she meant she had child porn. I was like, that's kind of fucked up.

Where's my Emmy? All right. I hope she has insurance. There you go.

What did you do to her?

I don't know.

No, no.

I would've felt wrong. Really? Why? I don't know. I feel mean just talking about this right now. It would feel like taking advantage of a special needs person. I don't know. You think you were taking advantage of her?