Christina Pazsitzky (Christina P.)

It's been a long transformation. Without you, our genes are low and loose.

Oh my gosh.

Wow, you're really on this creative thread now, eh?

Pussy lips. Hey, can you get this guy to do my next birthday shout out too?

cool with saying anything so that would be fun to see where we could take it but tim your birthday is next yeah yeah it is so i think we should get one for tim okay well you're gonna be 42 nothing such a baby age how old will you be 28 how old will you be since you're droopy I'm going to be fucking 49, okay? Yeah.

I can't believe it.

It's so... But can I talk to you for a second?

You know, Tom, since I had breast cancer, I'm just glad to be here. I used to fret about age and looking old. And I'm like, you know what, bro? I'm still going to try to look hot and stuff, but like... I'm just I'm just I am too blessed to be stressed. You know what I'm saying?

I'm too blessed. Hashtag.

It's just part of the whole thing, bro.

For sure, which I do.

Which I do. But my mom aged very well. Actually, my parents were kind of hot.

Did your parents? Well, your mom looks great.

He really did.

When, why the stop?

Well, I understand it because as like, I stopped drinking alcohol because of cancer. Apparently it's a carcinogen. My oncologist was like, look, even I don't drink alcohol. I'm the doctor. I advise you to stop. And I was like, great, done. So like, I don't drink alcohol anymore, which I really enjoyed. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. I'm on the Ozempies again. So I'm not even really eating.

It's like I just have to train myself to enjoy walking.

You got to have something.

No, because I allow myself to eat what I want on Sundays. I'm like, fuck it. That's my one day. I'll just do stuff, and then I'll rein it in the next day. And that seems to be okay, but it is depressing to not have vices anymore.

It sucks. I'm getting excited about doing puzzles now.

Fuck. I pet my cat. I got so stoked to be with the cat this morning.

You were so excited. I know. Petting the fucking cat.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

I know. Is it my favorite sound? It's the sound of love. The cat eating kibble.

I didn't go to that. I ditched.

But I loved seeing you. I haven't watched you do this hour.

Well, because you never know what's going to happen.

And just so people know, if they haven't seen it, I'm just going to say there's some shit talking about me. And the best part about me watching your set is that people like to watch my reaction when you talk about me, which is why I hide backstage and I sit in the video village because I don't want people seeing my face. I mean, you guys have to see what he says. It's pretty gnarly. Yeah.

You don't know if we're going to say something crazy.

I can't wait for these sketches. We filmed one last week that I've been thinking. I thought about it for days. It was so funny.

I'm dying to see, especially because we're going to the UK pretty soon.

I think going to BAM.

Crushed it, Charlie.

White people need logic.

That guy before was like, just roll with it, dude.

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Yeah, what's that about? Did they provide that?

Yeah, it's really cool. Is that Arby's? Where is this fool eating from? What is that? Maybe KFC?

The box. I want to say that's a KFC box.

Oh, delicious.

Everything you'd say, I was sitting behind a bunch of lads and they'd turn around and go, oh, and I'm like, no, dude.

Probability?

Did you guys hear probability? Probability?

Just making sure you're talking properly.

Got choking again?

Oh, okay.

Oh, if he can, yeah.

Well, if he made the stupid mistake of videotaping all these assaults on people. And why does he videotape? So that he can blackmail people later? But that's going to be the nail in his coffin with these cases.

I guess.

no it's tom i mean everything you watch before bed is a steady diet of awful and just chaos and murder and destruction that one was like thank god i was on cold medicine i could like yeah you kind of tapped out but it is up man no i know this woman's like crying in the interview she's like um I haven't been able to wear the color red in five years because he gave me a cup of red.

Like it was a red cup with poison. Yeah, yeah, he drugged her.

Well, Kirk was sitting next to me, Kirk Fox, your opener, and Brian Simpson. And Kirk was like, have you heard this yet? And I was like, no, I've been hiding in the house for the last few months. And he just was like, I could tell he wasn't sure if I was going to be a wife about things or if I was going to be a comic about things.

And what's really crazy to me is she's like, yeah, I knew him. Like, he would call me and we would chat on the phone. It's not like he just plucked her out of a nightclub. No, I know. Or she's a sex worker that he's torturing. They had a rapport.

And then the people that worked in his home, like his domestic staff... He tortured these poor, pushed them around, swearing at them, calling them.

You know, what's so interesting. And I've said this before on the show and I'll say it again. Yeah. The people in showbiz who pretend to be like, everything's great. I'm just lifting everybody up. Like they really present themselves as the good guys. They're covering up the darkest. Meanwhile, guys like you who are like a cum. I wipe the cum on the sheets, the shit in my hand.

I do all these great like these are the normal ones.

It's always the guys that present is like, uh-huh.

I'm always a comic first about things like that. But yeah, it's pretty crazy what you're talking about this hour. And it's also very sweet to hear stories about our kids.

I know eventually these guys get caught and I hate to say it but no people in Hollywood are horrible generally not to this level but I've worked for some fucking demons as well of course we all have this is other level but most of them are like this it's fucking terrible not to this scale right before we take a break here I think we need a little palate cleanser yeah okay well I feel alright I feel alright today

Beautiful.

He took the time out of his beach vacay to do that.

No, me neither. This guy like invented a whole new instrument with his body. It's pretty amazing.

It's a well-rounded set. Very well-rounded hour. Thanks.

This guy's amazing.

He needs to be writing songs for us, doing music for us.

That would be really cool to hear him do.

We could totally resurrect Puffy's career.

Yeah.

I mean, this could cross over into a whole new audience.

I think it's worth trying.

You got it, bro.

Okay, bye.

A lot of Hitler talk.

Well, now I used to threaten my emcees. You have to say your mom's house. If you say something, some variant of it, our fans are so diehard. They will fucking hate you.

Okay.

But when is Hitler not fun to talk about?

Well, because they keep colorizing the footage. All of a sudden you're like, I've only seen this guy in black and white. Yeah.

Brains are horrible. They're so inefficient. I've fallen off a stage. Oh, yeah? With the hyenas in Dallas. After my set, I was walking down like, okay, good night, everybody. And I just ate shit down the stairs. I'm like, oh, man.

Yeah, and then they rope us back into Hitler stuff.

Yeah, that was it. Yeah. God damn it.

Have you ever, oh my God, have you ever just straight up blanked on your set?

Like, oh, Hitler had a pet. What kind of pets did he have?

and it's just not there it's not there you're so casually going for it and your brain's like i think we're taking the day off man because it was a stressful flight here yeah can i tell you the worst i ever did was at melrose at the hollywood improv like you said it was a showcase night not just any showcase night my manager had invited every agent always it's always that's why they're coming

every casting person in the city and i literally just gotten off a weekend of shows and i was exhausted i just came from the airport my brain was swirling i was up there and yeah about two minutes in just totally blanked and i was like i get i just froze and i was like i forgot my jokes i just admitted it i was like i totally don't know what i'm gonna do

oh yeah i remember and i did that but i but then that can work though it did i don't think it did i think i did really bad really sure but at least you were talking yeah you know yeah because i stopped and i was like oh my god and i kept saying it i was like oh my god oh my god i can't believe i'm doing this right now like i was totally at melrose why what did your manager why are you stealing my act yeah

They were basically like, yeah, you just ate shit in front of everybody in Hollywood. And I was like, that sounds about right. Because I've eaten shit at showcases for like Live at Gotham. Remember that showcase? That was for like a five minute slot on a TV show. And I'll never forget, they gave you five minutes. I wrapped that set up in three. Type three. No laughs. So nervous.

But he's never not interesting. Why aren't we this interested in Stalin? Why not Saddam Hussein? Why not any other pole pot?

Well, he is interesting and intriguing as Hitler.

She'd make money all day.

Like, hello, good morning, this is Choro. Good afternoon, good evening.

But they really do innovate and they grow technologies. They adapt.

Yeah, that would be special. Are you going to do OnlyFans? I would love to.

Guys would pay a premium to see you. J my D. Dudes love you.

Yeah. The right kind, dude.

Like Tom and I fucking?

Get out of your mom's house. Burn down the mom's house. Burning down your mom's house. That would be the grossest. Us fucking?

with my cancer tits and everything oh yeah cancer tits that's what you could call it my awful implants right now and then they'd be like that was so fast why was this scene

and he knows if you do this here right could you imagine any doing this shit to our dads i wouldn't be here today it wouldn't go you'd never hold another paintbrush or golf club for the for as long as long as you're in the house no you'd have to move out when you're 18 too that's it you know it's just a testament to this dad's patience and kindness he's actually a sweet guy yeah and that's why they keep doing it

I think it's, he should. Yeah.

Yeah, but isn't this what it's like to have boys in general?

But I feel like anytime we want to relax is when they're like, I want to jump on you. I want to torture you. It's your torture time.

If you relax, they'll jump on top of you and fuck you up.

Like, dear, they just ruin any moment.

That's mean as shit, though. She fucks him up. She hates him. She fucking hates him. Wait, again, I would never do this to you because I respect you. I'd be like, he's going to fucking hit me.

He'd wake up out of a deep sleep like that and you see a fucking crow.

This bitch could get fucking killed.

She sucks.

It's terrifying.

Well, this sounds like it does what smelling salts do.

Matt, you got to get on this with your lady.

You got to watch this show. We found it's about 10 years old and it was on TLC and it's called My Husband's Not Gay.

And children.

They're Mormon.

So they've learned that they can have these SSAs, but you can't act on them because scripture does not allow homosexuality. God damn it.

Matt, see if you can guess who's gay.

Hummus cannon.

Okay. Yeah.

But also what's cool, what is really neat is that there's a scale from zero to four where they have to rate how SSA they're feeling in the moment. So zero is like, I might notice an attractive guy.

This guy's my favorite.

Kind of.

Yeah.

Here's the thing I do know about the Mormon church is that if you leave, because that's what we say as people that aren't Mormon, like, get the fuck out of the church. Just go. Well, if you leave the Mormon church, you're excommunicated, which means you don't talk to your family or friends ever again. So it's not just like, hey, I'm leaving the church.

Your life is... Everyone you've ever known cannot speak to you ever again. So it's a really big deal.

Which is why you should repress your homosexual feelings and suck it up and bust nuts in your wife's dry vagina.

And you push your sagging, barely erect penis into her.

Oh my God. It's really nice, Tom.

Guys, I got this really cute matching red set. I could do this for money. Doesn't it look so good on me? I could do these for money. Like if I had to, this is what I would do.

She's made a thousand dollars. She's just made so much money. Yeah. Guys are so gross and base. Wait, hold on. Can we talk about. Who's feeding us? Can we talk about the Mormons for a second?

Can I talk to you for a second? Do you really think that these dudes being dudes and like young, young enough dudes that they still have an appetite for dicks. Do you really think they're just holding it in or are they fucking each other after basketball?

Yeah, I agree. Maybe they should have a clause like that, and maybe they do in their marriage, where they're like, just fucking go bang dudes.

Not in Salt Lake City. You're true.

And like there are girls who straight up. like love gay guys like like have like I have oh yeah I have female friends who love watching gay man porn who are very attracted to gay men like girls it's every bachelor party there's always one gay dude that's like we gotta have him too yeah you know I love gay guys maybe I should look into this

Really?

No, you're not gay.

Right. Yeah, it goes quick.

There should be like, I talked to him suggestively. I flirted with him.

Yeah, they're cute. One of them's cute.

I did something.

That's so gay. That's so gay.

I wish that their Mormon God would let them be gay what's the big please but then you can't have you can't make babies that way that's the only problem that's the only thing that's literally it's not because it's wrong it's just that they can't make more Mormons that guy who's still single though who's looking for someone I know I like him the best he should just be chugging cock get out of the church and go chug cock for sure check out some Broadway musicals go to New York go live in New York he just needs someone to take him out of there that's it I know just take him out of the city I know but all his friends are there playing basketball yeah

Yeah, because gay guys are savage, dude. Oh, yeah. I'm sure he got DMs. He's like, I'll fucking suck your dick, come to New York right now.

Like Robert Paul Champagne.

I remember being sexually attracted to Uday.

God doesn't hate cum. He just hates when there's no babies with the cum.

That's all it is.

God doesn't hate your cum.

I'm pretty sure. We bring up Uday Hussein. I thought he was cute at one point.

Insane.

But here's the deal, man. If you know you're a great big fat person, and this tiny ass car shows up- You should carry it. Carry what, homie?

That's right. Why is it my responsibility?

Yeah, bring your own extender.

Yeah, then you carry it.

That's a good point, Tom.

Yeah, dude. Exactly. Just bring your own. I bring hand sanitizer because I like clean hands. Stop!

Wait, but what car should a fat person get? Like what's an SUV?

Yeah, she's getting into a tiny car.

Yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad. It's cute. See, I like that story you told. I'd like to see that reenacted in it.

But I was thinking a pickup truck. You just need a driver.

That would so fly in Texas.

People don't give a fuck. They put everything in their pickup truck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And especially in this day and age where there's so many cameras and everyone can... All you have to do is photograph her drivers, I mean, her whatever the shit word is, license plate.

People... You're not going to get away with it.

you know oh my god one time i backed up into a a like a a really shitty um tow truck in the parking lot i was with our kids and i left him a note i was like i'm so sorry that's what you do like yeah because also my kids i don't want to like hit and run she called somebody she rolled up the window and we're like hey hey and she started to move and then she just drove did like okay

That's wild, dog. That's a crime. It legit is the trailer hitch, too.

Yeah, but my opinion is it didn't happen.

I love Red Band's comment. What a cunt.

That's my boy.

five figures i'm sure i'm sure they're gonna hook me up the insurance people on this one oh yeah that's your next seven weeks bro just taking care of this problem that's the worst part of car drama is that yeah now you need to have the temporary car while they figure and then the part didn't not gonna come in for another month it's the hassle yeah fuck i hate that kind of stuff so

Such a waste of your life.

Yeah, it's your fucking life when your car gets messed with.

Was she on drugs? Did she seem like she was high?

See you in court, bitch. Fuck. Although I do have to say Texans are usually very...

But thankfully, nobody was hurt. But, you know, it fucked up the car. Anyway, this citizen, this Texan man, saw what happened, chased down the guys that hit and run me and brought them to me. And was like, ma'am, I believe these are the ones that hit your car. He rounded them up. He did. Rounded them the fuck up. And I was like, this is Texas. Only in Texas. Yeah.

I was so blown away. I sent him a thank you back.

Pee video? No big deal. Oh! Fuck, dude.

No, especially at our age.

The drive.

I know.

Keep skating. No, he's the best. I don't like what I'm about to see. Oh, that's my worst nightmare. I think about this all the time happening to me.

Why don't we get to see more of these kinds of stories?

This is my worst fear. This is literally what I think about.

I think she's old.

Just steady yourself, bitch. Grab the side. Come on. Get it together.

Just get upright, bitch. There you go. Yeah, she fucked.

Hitler didn't even do this stuff.

No!

Oh, no. Oh, they had to...

Yeah, because on escalators, I'm always with my kids who pull me back.

You remember the other day? I almost fell down the fucking stairs because my kid was pulling me. And I'm like, dude, this is going to happen to us. You're going to pull me back, and I'm going to fall down the escalator, and it'll suck me up under the things, and then I'll be gone forever.

Yeah, they need to bring these cool stories. Because I never recalled Hitler torturing Olympic athletes or torturing his son's car. He didn't have kids.

Can I see the beginning, the genesis of the fall?

How does it start? She's doing great. No, but she's holding on really... And she's leaning back, see? She's leaning back. That's the problem.

That's the problem. She hurt herself.

It's so slow.

Oh, she's upset.

Stop. Just get right side up.

You're there.

You got it. Oh, that one right there. Let go of the purse. Lose the purse. That's a problem. She was trying to hold the purse.

It's the head. Everything. Yeah, that's the most important. She fell on her neck probably and that stunned her. And then it was like she's disoriented. But then, yeah.

Not both hands, and she's leaning back. She's holding onto it like this.

She's leaning back, yeah. That's stupid.

She deserves this, is what you're saying.

Oh, shit. This stuff...

I mean, all those bones are broken, right? Yeah. That's paralyzed.

You're done.

Oh, shit. Let me guess. Animal's going to run in? Gargoyle. I feel like an animal's coming.

why just hitley i know so many other people commit genocide but we only hear about that guy i know there's just there's a really a lot out there there's like yeah this guy keeps getting all the top press and there's some other people that deserve press you think it's because he was so stylish too like he had a really kind of like pronounced aesthetic the uniforms were very dramatic yeah he had like marketing he had a good marketing team

Is this Hamas or whatever?

This is terrible.

You guys are fucked.

Is anybody laughing at that clip? I mean, is that...

No. No. We can't leave on this.

Yeah, I mean, you can't leave the audience on a woman getting blown up in her own kitchen.

This is not fine, babe. I can't leave the show on this.

This episode is so dark.

Where are we?

No, she's picking the wrong things. Like, where's your puffy Cheetos? Where's the cheese puffs?

Pop tarts. I would get tarts.

This will make you happy on the way out.

That's his mom?

Babe, that did not cheer me up. Why?

Now you got it. Now you got it. We will fart hard, fight hard.

I got to vote for this guy.

You know what it sounds like to me is that these other guys don't have a clear objective.

Yeah. Like Hitler reached for the stars.

It's that German stuff, man. The Germans know how to get shit done. Efficiency, planning, strategy. They know how to do all that shit.

What's everybody? You got me saying it now.

We seem to be, the world is going that way right now.

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By the way, we just had your Austin Arena show sold out.

We're all still glowing from that amazing show.

I think the Germans are a little sore about that topic. They're kind of like, they don't want to talk about it. It's so annoying. It's like all you want to talk about when you go to Germany and nobody wants to talk about it.

It was spectacular, Tommy Salami. Everybody I spoke to had the best time. You were so relaxed up there. You were so happy. I mean, your jokes were just amazed. If you guys haven't seen Tommy's New Hour, get your life, go see him. I think this is your best one yet.

Was your grandpa in the party? Like my grandmother, who was, my father was born in Germany during World War II. And my, yeah. Friedrich Merz.

No, the Bundestag.

That's a little too, that sounds a little too democratic.

But anyway, my grandma lived in that region at that time. You know what I'm saying? During the WWII and the commies. And I endlessly would ask her about World War II. I'd be like, did you know what was going on? Like what they were doing to the Jews? And she was like, of course, everybody knew. We just ignored it. I was like, cool. She didn't say that. She just had Hungarian accent.

Everybody knew. We just ignored. What should we do? Fight the Nazis? I'm like, I mean, I guess not. She's like, you could smell it. You could smell the bodies burning in the neighborhood.

My sweet Nana wore the perfect red, and I had it designed after her and her love of all things.

Also, Berlin, named after?

You can still see Hitler's bunker if you go to Berlin, East Berlin.

Atomic Red, that's for a different war.

And Madison. Wisconsin?

It's kind of liberal. I had to make it liberal. Anyway, bye now. ChristinaP.com. Get all four. Why not at the same time? Impress your lady.

Impress your lady. Or if you're a handsome fellow, you want to wear lipstick, go ahead.

that's not nice that's not nice yeah yeah yeah yeah